Affairs with Married Men
88
Mistake or Character Flaw?
Veronica,
I'm having an affair with a married man. I am a 33 year old professional woman with a full life and solid career. When we first got involved 4 years ago it was fun. After time I have realized my love for him is so deep. I want him to leave his wife but I am afraid he won't. He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn't know how to leave her. I am at my wits end. What are your thoughts on this?
Signed,
Lonely
***********
Dearest Lonely,
My thoughts on this, are that you are an ass. No judgment, just honesty here.
I always think it's funny when the mistress believes that the wife is the fool. She sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and is the one he bends over backward to protect. You are the one signing your name as "lonely". Which one of you do you honestly think is the pitiful one?
I do feel sorry for you. And for the wife for that matter. It sucks to be lied to. And both of you are being lied to. He lies to his wife obviously. And he lies to you when he tells you he doesn't know how to leave his wife and all that other bullshit. Honey, if he wanted out, he'd be out.
Will a married (or significantly committed/attached man) leave his significant other for you? Sometimes.
Take actress/playboy model Kristy Swanson and champion figure skater Lloyd Eisler for example. They met on the FOX TV show in 2005, Skating with the Stars. He was married at the time. His wife was 8 months pregnant when he left her for Kristy. Another example is the infamous Britney Spears and Kevin Federline affair, marriage, and divorce. So, yes. Yes, a married man may leave his family for you, especially if you are wealthier or more famous than his wife is.
But your odds of this happening are slim. Your married man has no intention of leaving his wife. You've given him proof of 4 years that you accept and allow his behavior. He has no reason to change it.
You said when this started, it was fun. And I want to elaborate on that. Sex is fun. Sex is natural, and healthy, and animal and basic. It's one of the greatest things about life on earth.
The thing that is not fun, is the lying.
I know couples with open relationships. What I admire about them, is honesty. You see the honest theme weaved throughout all of my HUBS. One couple, Erik and Ken, have been together for over 20 years. They are a loving committed couple, who have been honest with each other about their needs, and have respectfully found a compromise that works for them, which is NOBODY'S BUSINESS BUT THEIRS. Their honesty and their arrangement works for them. I think it's beautiful that they communicate so well, and accept each other so completely.
The difference between them, and you, is the dishonesty. The lying. They are an honest couple, showing each other respect and value. You and your married men are liars. What you're doing to your married man's wife is cruel. And don't say he's the one doing it, not you. You're every much as responsible for it as he is.
Lonely, let me ask you this. Would you really want to be with a man that you know for a fact lies to his life partner? He stood at the alter and promised himself to this woman, and now lies to her, goes behind her back, calls her dependant and clingy, and fucks another woman in secret. And we don't know how many other women just like you he has. Do you really want to be committed to man that isn't capable of respect and honesty? Do you really want this guy??
People make mistakes. I can sympathize with some married guy that gets confused, makes a huge error in judgment, does something stupid, and then regrets it. That's not what happened here. 4 years?? He's not a good guy that made a huge mistake. He's an asshole.
I can also sympathize with the fact that some marriages don't work. People get married too young, fall in and out of love, change, grow... have kids that either one of them or both of them didn't actually want or didn't actually think about. Money, careers, in laws... there are a lot of reasons marriages don't work out. These things happen. And if he and his wife just fell out of love for whatever reason, I would sympathize with that and wish him well moving on.
But even if that is his case scenario, he isn't in the process of changing his life. He isn't communicating with his wife, and taking the brave road here like a man. He's a lying cheating coward. 4 years worth. Come on, Lonely. Put yourself in that wife's shoes.
I would not have come down so hard on you had the two of you had some fling. Anyone can make a mistake. Even a big mistake. It is part of the human condition to fuck up. The difference between a mistake and a character flaw should be obvious. The long 4 year time factor, let alone the lies he tells his wife and about his wife, are proof.
Also, I would not have come down so hard on you had you sounded content, and signed your email happily. You are obviously miserable. You are afraid he won't leave his wife, clearly this reveals you wish to break up his marriage. You admit you are lonely. You aren't a healthy happy person engaging in this thing and going on with your life. You've let it become crushing and manipulating, you've let it ruin your self esteem and your happiness. And you've let it define you. It's time to stop.
A new door can not open until you close an old door. Change your life. Invite better things in for yourself.
My wish for you is that you re-find your value: that you see your self worth and that you realize it is not celebrated in this affair. I wish for you to see this guy for what he really is and not for what you would like to pretend he is. I wish you would be honest - with yourself and with everyone else. I wish you happiness.
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All text is original content by Veronica.
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Exactly.
STANDING OVATION VERONICA!!!!
Thank you for your honesty.
You are selfish and only care about yourself. I have no pity at all for women who sleep with married men. They wreck homes and destroy children's lives. My husband ran off with his "woman" (she doesn't even deserve to be called a woman). He has been gone almost a year and left me with 4 children to raise by myself. I was totally dependent on him for everything and was a stay at home mom. He left us with 0 money (we lived paycheck to paycheck), and has not paid one penny to this day. After 13 years he just didn't care what happened to us. Would have been different if there had been a warning, or if he actually supported our kids. There are plenty of unmarried men out there. Keep your claws off of married men, home wrecker. I hope you fall deeply in love someday, and after 10 or 15 years, he dumps you for a another piece of trash like yourself!
I was married for years and left my wife for the woman I had an affair with. My life was horrible. Money was a huge issue since my wife refused to work and would get mad because I worked long hours. Where did she think the money would come from? She made it worse and worse because she kept wanting to have more children. I dreaded coming home at night and really grew to see her in a different way. I really felt a connection here when Lonely said her married man described his wife as pitiful, clingy, and dependent. I can relate to that like you would not believe.
I think Veronica's advise is correct and harsh. Get on with your life away from this guy's mess. Believe me when I say you do not want to be part of it. Veronica you should give some advise to the married guys in this situation that want out.
Bill:
Done! Check it out.
http://hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Married_Men
(If you posted a comment that didn't appear here, check for your Words there.)
He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn't know how to leave her.
your his whore! he doesnt love you or her ,if he did he wouldlnt of cheated on her, how would u know if his wife was pitiful, clingy,or dependant , maybe she didnt work because she stayed home with thier children, maybe he liked her pitiful and clingy till he decided to cheat on her with a whore and decided it was time for her to change, u should really look at why u had affire with a married man and why you cant get a single guy , u should look at yourself whore ! your not a good person u trying to break up a marriage
I was married, he was marrried, and we met. I realized I was looking because I was unhappy. We fell madly in love and I got my divorce. I actually filed and left my husband before I dated him. He was going to get his divorce too. After I filed, he didn't. He delayed his "until after Christmas". Then it was another excuse. He said I was pushing him. Now after a few months, I said "get the divorce" because you want to, not me. And after that we will "see what happens". I was sick of hiding it and felt betrayed and wasting my life on something I couldn't have. I am happy that he helped me see my unhappy marriage but he just can't stand up to his. She knows about his affair and he told her to file for divorce. She isn't. I was afraid of this coming back to haunt me because I felt like he would do the same thing to me. I have decided to forget about him. It is time for a new life. I now know who I am. I am beautiful and smart. And no married men deserve me.
I'm glad I got here, it took a couple years. I am in the throes of breaking it off with the married man I have been with for more than two years. We were childhood dates and I never quite forgot him although I went off to have a generally good life. When we unexpectedly hooked up through an online high school history site, it was so nice to catch up after three decades. It took six months of writing and talking before we agreed to meet, even though we live in the same metro area and another six months before we began a full-fledged affair for 18 months. He is an intelligent, attractive and sweet man and I just could not see how tightly bound his sense of security comes from the status quo of his marriage. I now know it does not matter that his marriage is not very fulfilling, that he is lonely w/o children or a partner to do things with. He cannot or will not act on his own behalf within his marriage to move beyond that. And maybe that is why my relationship with him happenend. I did not require that he give up much of anything as long as he 'worked toward' growing and self- knowledge, encouraging him to go into therapy (for 8 months now). I accept now that people don't change their world easily or often, the world they create gives them something whether they can articulate it or not. But I can change my circumstances with him because it is just too painful to live this half-life whether we feel love for one another or not.
It is not enough to feel love for someone, for me the word 'love' is an action word that is positive and invigorating and life-affirming. It is not a side-road along the main events in a life, nor is it a romantic excursion that is isolated from other parts of a life. I feel foolish at how long it took me to come to my senses. I was not seduced, nor do I think he is a user; he is a man who has not or cannot come to terms with a marriage that is not working. I am writing to tell all who are messing around with someone who is married, it adds an huge layer of problems and throws into doubt whether the two people engaging in the affair can ever lead a full life together no matter whether they marry or not, to find a life partner to share your life. I am grateful, I wished him well and working on my own life and I know it has changed me, that it matters that I stooped so low. It feels good to breath. Fresh Air.
Thanks you for the breath of fresh air! Living a half-life is exactly what I felt. He too could not stand up or act on his own behalf. I had to take the initiative and move on.
I AM UNMARRID MAN CAN I MAKE THE RELATION WITH A MARRID LADY
After reading all of the other comments about affairs it seems everyone has come to same conclusion....and that is it can't work....its destined to fail from the very start. Mine has been going on for 8 yrs...and I am ending it now. I am just walking away...no bitter phone calls...no bitter emails...just walking away. I never wanted it to start in the first place, but he pursued me until he wore me down to give in....I felt desired, it was a great feeling....then the once a week liasons felt great for a short period of time....but the rest of the week I felt horrible because I felt used...and I was....but I allowed it all to happen. Now I am taking charge of my life. I am not going to allow him to use me to feed his ego that he desperately needs fed. He never cared about me or my feelings..he listened but didn't hear. I do feel sorry for his wife.....he obviously doesn't respect her or love her. He lies to her and he lies to me. He can't be trusted and this is not a man I want to spend the rest of my life with...so its time to move on. I am not saying its easy.....this is harder than my divorce....but only because I keep feeling like I need him....even though I know deep down inside I don't. He has nothing to offer me but heartache.
Jaya, it is a big positive to let go of something/someone who causes you so much pain. Living in the shadows of an affair requires we break our life into parts that cannot be recognized by others and eventually we can't recognize where the real us is in all of this.
During my affair I lost what I needed most (love for myself), replacing it with 'hope' that the future held for us an authentic life together. It was deeply painful to come to terms that the love we felt for one another was not enough to motivate him to act. I can see now it almost always is not enough and very risky business.
Once I invested in the affair it became even more painful to make a break and I experienced how denial played a role in my decisions. Affairs with married men are destructive for us because we have to bury what we deeply want and need to even begin such a relationship. I own my part in this by deciding while in deep pain that the kind of love I need does not feel this way; it promotes growth, not secrecy and it embraces the world rather than requiring we hide from it. I still feel pain but not as often and I have more good days than not good days and it is getting better. I hope you find many positive ways to get support and insight and meet people out in the open from this point on. It is a positive thing to take responsibility for your actions and your future. I wish you insight and growth and strength, the pain will pass and you will be amazed at how good life can be because you have learned to aviod being in denial.
The sad thing is, most of us know deepdown what Veronica is saying is true. I have been seeing a married man for 5 months and i too have fallen for him. Yes it was wrong and it happened because i allowed it to when i was looking for a friend and a shoulder to cry on, the guy paid me attention and it just seemed to flow. I felt something with him that i hadnt felt in years and as much as he says he loves me, he still hasnt left the wife. I have read so many stories about women in my situation and it is all too familiar. This guy doesnt have kids with her although she does from previous relationship. Dont get me wrong, i knew from day one he was married but i didnt think i would allow myself to get involved but you cant turn back the clock and you cant just switch off your feelings either.
We are more emotional than men, when something feels so right you dont want it to stop. We know the answers deepdown but we cling onto hope and the possibilty that it could happen but again, as Veronica says...would you want to be with a man that cheats and lies as he will do it to you...If the guy really loved me, then he would leave her.
Helen,
thank you for your comment. Good luck to you.
Veronica
7 years, turning 50, waiting for him to leave. It is a terrible pain that has overtaken all the good things in my life (university degrees, profession, independence). We have travelled extensively over the years - treasured single weeks, then by necessity had to revert to the 2x a week meetings. I want to end it, fear the loss. He's my soulmate, yet stays with this pathetic depressed wife. And now I've also turned into her - pathetic and depressed. I've turned down so many opportunities to meet others, feeling it wasn't fair given I was "committed" elsewhere, and now, nearing 50, I have so much sorrow about the whole thing.
Run far from this misery, those who are contemplating or just beginning!
Question: how do I end it - the affair?
Toronto - Canada
Lorena,
End it. That's how you end it, just do it. Tell him you don't want to ever hear from him again and that's it. It's over. If he shows up or calls, send photos of the two of you to his wife. There is nothing to it, but to do it. Just end it.
Listen to me very carefully - you said he is your soul mate, but he is a liar, a cheater, and has helped make you pathetic and depressed. Think about that. What does that say about your soul, that it's "mate" is that kind of piece of shit.
He is not your soul mate. You're just so used to lying to everyone that you lie to yourself.
It has been several months since my relationship with the married man ended. The day it ended, I wandered to myself "Have I done the right thing"? I realized something. I have never been happier. It took awhile before I started dating and I was lonely and I depended on my friends to keep my head up. I realized the affair was all about the openess I felt and how it tapped into my passion. I am finding that there a lot of men out there with qualities. Single men don't hide you. They show you off! And I am living!
YAY!
affair and divorced, CONGRATULATIONS on taking your life back and shining.
Best to you.
Dear Veronica (and all)
I wrote to you a while back (just scroll up to see my post) as i had been having an affair with a married man. Well since then, things have taken a dramatic turn for the best.....he left his wife and we are now starting a new life together. I truly believe that we were meant to be together, it is not often that you meet someone who really does make your heart flutter. Of course it wasent easy to start with seeing a married man but that bit of hope that we all hang on to and pray for was worth the wait. I am extremey happy and for the first time i feel i have found my true soulmate - yes the critics will beg to differ and i am fully aware of all the possibilities that could re-occur but if you maintain a strong bond, good communication and a healthy sex life then you leave no room for these things to happen again. He had everything to lose and i had everything to gain and now i have the man i adore. He did really love me after all....
Helen,
Thanks for keeping us updated.
I am definitely one of those you mentioned - who believes if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you. And, if your "soulmate" is a liar and a cheater, that says a lot about your soul.
I really wish you clarity, love, and the best of luck in your journey. Please continue to keep us posted.
Veronica
Very interesting article. Very interesting comments too. I followed the link to this from your blog which I am an avid reader.
I was married to my first wife 17 years. I was only 20 when we got married. I thought I would love her forever, but then along came this other woman that totally turned me around. After a 7 year affair, I finally left my wife for the other woman. I was 46 when I married her and she became my second wife.
I thought I would love her forever. We had great sex and great communication. She did nothign wrong. But here I am (I am now 55) and there is a woman I do business with that I can't stop thinking about. I don't know how to divorce my second wife after all she stood by me and waited for me. I do love her. But I am not in love with her anymore. I need some advice because I am just not happy with my wife anymore.
Should you stay with someone you don't love just because you feel guilty? Do women want to be with a man that does not love them?
Robert, thanks for the comment. I'm going to respond with your very own HUB. But first, I sent a survey out to 40 women I know and I'm waiting for all the responses. Check back, I will post the link here when it's done, ok?
I am glad you mention that if the woman wasn't miserable, this would be a little different. I cheated on my wife a few times when we were married and I don't think any of those women were miserable. I never did that bullshit thing saying I loved them or I was leaving my wife. It was just sex, just an escape from my miserable life. They all seemed cool with that.
My husband left me and our two children two years ago. He was having an affair with this whore and moved in with her when he left us. Now he has moved back in with his parents and broke it off with her. I know she thought he would marry her when he left me. Stupid whore. I like in the article how you explain how it is not the wife that is the stupid one. You are so right.
Great comments Veronica!!!. You spoke it true and true!!! I love what you said. She needs to leave that man alone. Nothing good will ever ever come out of that relationship. He will not leave his wife. It' been four years already. All my sympathy goes to his wife. She is in my prayers. I have no sympathy for Lonely. She is in intruder in this marriage. She needs to exit.Lies are built on sinking sand. The foundation will crumble. She needs to find her own man and be happy. I hope she takes your advice. The road head ahead will sad if she doesn't. I hope I didn't hurt Lonely's feelings too bad. But that what she wrote about that man wife is the stupidest thing I ever heard. She doesn't know that woman like that. No hard feelings Lonely but I got to keep it REAL.....
You are wrong as hell!! Ladies if the man is married leave him alone. If you find out later he's married leave him alone. Do you honestly think that your happiness will last if you destroy some else joy. Think about it...
I've been having an affair for 2 years - he has definitely made more of an effort and KEPT promises over the past 3-4 months to spend MORE time with me. He continues to make promises, talks about the future and the only way I justify it (i know...there is really no justification) is because he has NO children. I have 2 girls (they do not know). We (him and me) have plans for Christmas and if something "falls through" I'm gone. He will either SHIT or get off the pot! No...I did not give him that ultimatum, it will be the SILENT make or break. I will know by the end of 2007 if he is the man for me.
For all men and women reading this... During my affair, I was promised everything... The World! The man I had an affair with had a LOT of money. We lived in different states so we scheduled our jobs to meet. His promises involved our 20+ years we would spend together happily married after his divorce. We were dreaming of building a home together and planning our retirement travels.... It didn't happen. The fact is, he had no guts. I found out I can stand up for myself and that is why I moved on. It is hard and leaving the affair felt like my life and future was gone. My goodness, I was 50 years old and I left a marriage. I felt sorrow for his wife and guilt. I took my professional career and moved on. I am now dating a man who is very special to me. He is everything I ever dreamed of. You know, that tall, dark, handsome man you always dreamed about? Well I found him. He/she's out there and compatible to you. If you are married and unhappy, get your divorce and move on. Just don't try to move on with someone who is married. Take charge of your life. I am happy and having the best year of my life and it is 50!
Hello veronica, I am truly enjoying your comments and the input you getting from your readers. I've been with my husband for 3 and half years and all through this turbulent life together, he's been cheating, over and over again. While we were dating, living together, and currently married and have a daughter together. Before we got married, I tried to end it numberous times, chucked his belongings outside our place. And what he did? He came crawling back, crying, texting and calling me begging to be forgiven and be taken back. Being the fool that I was back then, I did. We moved to a new place trying to forget the past, and guessed what he did? HE CHEATED AGAIN, when our daughter was only 4 and half months old. I was driving out of our place to visit a friend, there he was, getting out of this slut's subaru, parked about half a km away from our driveway! Since we lived at our new place, I constantly asked him if he's cheating on me, all his replies were "NO". I actually called that girl that dropped him off for an explanation, she said its been going on for over 3months. We are currently going through separation and I trully want this to end once and for all as my trust towards him is destroyed completely, I've lost all faith in this marriage. I know I will be able to pick myself up, get a job, as I left my last workplace to look after my lil gurl. To me, once a cheater, always a cheater. I also believe in karma, what goes around, comes around....
Moral of this story – never mess with a married and if you are married and your spouse cheats, leave him/her. He/she will cheat again and again. It is just the nature of the beast. Strong person leave a bad marriages, weaker one stay with pathetic excuses. Weakness of attitude become weakness of character - Einstein
How many comments!
Perhaps I might have changed my decision on what?
Hey, prasadjain, where did the rest of your comment go?
Hello All,
I have been involved with a married man for almost a year now. When I met him I was in the process of getting a divorce. My ex lied, cheated and hurt me throughout the entire 13 yr relationship/marriage. This married man claimed he & his wife were in the process of seperating. They were suppose to be finalizing her moving arrangements and additional financial support he would give her. They don't have any children together. He said he wanted children just not with her. As time passed she never left. we live in different states, he promised we would see each other monthly and he's pretty much kept his word. He use to talk of building a life together, getting to know my son, moving me to the same state as him but lately he hasn't mentioned any of that. When I asked if things at home changed he said no. When I asked if why he hadn't mentioned me relocating he said he wanted closure. He did not want to move me to a un-fimilar place until they were truely over. Lately he said he doesn't know what the future will be between the two of them. He says in order for things to work out they both must be willing to make changes. before he would always give in to her needs but she never gave into his and he wasn't doing it anymore. He has told me he loves her but is no longer in love with her. I've asked him to work on the marriage and leave me alone. He says he will never leave me alone. He claims I am a vital part of his life and if he really wanted to work on his marriage he wouldn't be seeing me and he loves me and he see's us being together, growing old together. I am so confused. After my husband repeatedly cheated on me I vowed I would never stoop that low but here I am. I am not a bad person. But I really believed him. Because alot of the things we spoke about I was going through. I wanted out of my marriage 4-6 months before I had the balls to tell my ex. I loved him but I wasn't in love. I didn't want to hurt him either. I don't see this married man as a bad person, he's very kind and gentle. None of my friends or family know he's married so I don't have a support system. I really want to do the right thing and end it but the very thought causes my eyes to fill w/ tears. I never viewed myself as having any major issues but after reading some of the comments posted I'm not sure. This man has treated me better in the past 10 months than my ex-husband did in 13yrs. This is extremly hard and hurts like hell.
Nicole,
I really am sorry it hurts like hell. And I really am sorry you were cheated on in your marriage. But I'm going to be blunt.
Your married man isn't leaving his wife. He's not a good person, telling you he will never leave you alone, costing you vital years of your life and possibility of happiness, continueing to string you along, and lying to his wife. If he cared about you at all, he would want whats best for you instead of being so selfish. The sickest part is that he has you convinced he's treating you well. That hurts me in my heart to read. I am glad you chanced upon this HUB and all the comments, and I really hope you will find the strength to stop this affair.
Best to you.
This is great advice Veronica, and it doesn't even stop in the article! You keep going in the comments and keep on keepin on. You are so understanding and supportive but you tell it like it is. These women really do need to wake the fuck up and realize their married men are NOT going to leave their wives! It's not rocket science!
Once a cheat, always a cheat.
GREAT Hub!!
Thanks for the straight-talk Veronica!!
Thanks also to all who shared their dilemmas . . . It's tough sometimes to "see the forest for the trees . . . " especially when we are so sure we are "in LOVE . . . "
LOVE is not a "feeling" that just mysteriously appears one day. It is the result of many things we "tell ourselves" about the other person/situation/ourselves, etc.
Anyone who spends even a single moment to develope their own personal definition of LOVE, will surely include, among other components, honesty and respect.
Without the key ingredients of honesty and respect, it is NOT LOVE. It might be lust, it might be exciting, it might be diversion, it might be hope, but it is definitely NOT LOVE . . .
"How you win 'em is how you lose 'em!!"
Leave the married men (and women) alone . . .
Raise your expectations of yourself . . .
Blessings to all, Earth Angel
Well I ain't gonna say anything here about what's right and wrong coz we all know that, I am just gonna make it straight and simple. I believe we have two possibilities here to deal with:
First one: I say, u may really love him very much but since he's married it is better to let him go unless the guy and his wife have already agreed they don't want to continue their life together anymore and planned a divorce then this is something else, but you mustn't interfere by any means in this whole divorce scheme, don't play any role, just stay away, wait and see how things progress.
Second one: You really love him very much but have no intentions of leaving him no matter what, let's say you've decided not 2 break up with him them just don't be a factor in damaging his life at home, don't persuade or intimidate him to leave his wife, never.
I do understand it when sometimes a married man or a married woman get naughty, we are all human, we all make mistakes, moreover, I know it is possible that someone falls in love with a married person, temptations are irresistible sometimes (we have to try hard though) but I don't believe in destroying homes. Asking the guy to leave his wife is not acceptable..
Very much thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and wish you always the best .....
hi my
I have messed with married men all my life. Yes it is fun but it also lonely. The bottom line is that he stills goes home to his wife. And if he leaves her for you there will be another you out there. Now i want a husband of my own and it is so hard to find. Payback is something else. I figured that i was a married mans dream because i don't have kids and no drama so it was a getaway for him. I also did everything the wife didn't do, so they loved it. The holidays are the lonliest time. Even though he brings gifts and the sex is good he still can't stay all night and you can't be in the street with him too much because he might get caught. So just remember try to find a man of your own just remember what you won't do another woman will.
Wow Crystal. Thank you. That was a great piece of insight.
Here's a different point of view for ya.Caught my fiance of almost 3 years in an affair this summer.The hoe knew all about me and the kids,caught her online(when using his account) trying to contact him after he'd broke it off.She admitted he was never gonna leave me and the kids,I'd won.Little by little I'd found out about her whining to her coworkers about losing her best friend and her bawling her eyes out at work over him.Well,poor her.She was trying to get several women's men,like she needed pity.What about our kids,what about me?I hope one of the married truckdrivers she's screwing turns out to be a woman beater or worse.Why?Because it is not like she was in the dark and thought my man was single,she knew what she was doing.Not only is he paying for what he did,but if that skank ever shows her face in this town again,I will make damn sure she hurts as much as I did.SO A WORD TO THE MISTRESSES:You better be careful you just may find yourself up against a spiteful,angry,and always watching bitch like me!!You're in a dangerous position,and there are many,many wives/significant others out there that will stop at nothing to get even,and as we all know,women can be very emotionally unstable.Try getting your own man and have a little pride in yourself,get your own man,not second-hand attention.You might be surprised at how much better you will feel about yourselves,because obviously many of you are full of low self-esteem,and feel you cannot find a man of your own because of your inadequacies.
Hi Veronica and all,
First I want to say Thank You for all the comments to my story. It's only been 5 days and I haven't left this married man alone but I am placing space between us. For me saying goodbye will be a process but I will do so.
However, I want to take the time and reply to Gonnagether. I don't mean to be rude but you sound like somewhat of a lunitic. Don't get me wrong I think I speak for alot of women that have found themselves in this situation when I say "WE ARE WRONG" and for that I apologize to you. But Sweetie most of these affairs are started by married men not the mistresses.
I know you found about her while on line trying to contact your fiance but you need to understand he's the real person at fault. This woman owes you nothing. She's not the one who toldl you she loved you, she didn't promise you a future, a family and all the other things your fiance did.So, why aren't you blowing up on the man who lied, cheat, and stole your happiness. In addition, you should never let anyone jeopardize your freedom(Jail) & the possibility of you not being thier for your children.
Again, this woman is wrong and to a certain degree I feel you should fight for your man.... (Not Literally) but I was once you except he was my husband. After this affair there will be another one, and more than likely another one. Then one day you will make up and realize it's not the women and it certainly isn't anything your doing it's him.
This mistress is probably confused and hurt. You've gotta know he's told her he loves her, she makes him happy, you don't understand him the way she does and other BS. I have discovered that married men often brakethe miistress down emtionally. My ex had his thinking I was a really bad person and when I found out about her he made her sound horrible but she did things I didn't. Until one day I we held a very, very long conversation and found she was none of that. She was someone I could have been fond of under different situations.
I know you will probably be ready to hand me my ass on a plate because I have found myself playing a mistress. but I honestly felt his marriage was over. because at the time I had just left mine and I wasn't turning back. So I beleived him when he said it was over and moving arrangements were being made. Then when I finally realized no changes in the situation were being made, I was already deeply in love.
I am only saying this to say before you bull out the vasoline and boxing gloves explore the situation. Find the truth.
hmmm veronica? see perfect stranger much?
euchrefreak55,
I know there is a movie titled "Perfrect Stranger" that I have not seen.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
One thing I noticed about married men trying to get a mistress is that they say rather unpleasant things about their wife - the sex is not good, she's lazy, cold, uncommunicative unloving etc. But a lot of times it's not true. If you really met their wife you would realize how hardworking they are and that they love their husbands very much.
One should never believe a man when he says things like that about his wife. I know in some cases some women can be very difficult to live with, but to me that's no excuse to cheat on them. Maybe he can just tell her the truth, talk to her and explain that "you really get on my nerves" and maybe she will just tone down.
Another thing is even if a man leaves his wife for the other woman, somewhere in the relationship, if things don't seem to be working out, he will resent her. He will blame her for leaving his wife, breaking up the family. Becuase truth be told, the steamy sex, the gifts, the communication, the romantic dinners will die. What then? Would'nt he just go look for it somewhere else again?
The cycle must be broken. Married couples must find a way to improve their relationship if things are not going the way they like. Communication is a key factor. Cheating does not solve anything. It just makes things worse most times.
This has encouraged me to do a hub on marriage and relationships.
There is a man for every woman out there. Just take your time and have patience you will find him.
Well...I did not make it as far as Christmas 2007....I had a bad PMS day and things came flying out of my mouth and the 2 1/2 year back-and-forth relationship with the "man of my dreams" is over. When I am home, knowing that he is spending the day with his wife, I become so angered inside and time makes it worse.
Unfortunately, I also found that my anger trickled down to my children and I have decided that I can no longer be in a relationship that seems SO INCREDIBLE, but at the same time so passively volatile. I do believe this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but deep down, I know by leaving this man, I will find happiness within myself.
This is to all you women/men out there in a relationship with a married person: As much as the cheater MAY want to leave, I'm finally convinced they will not leave. Their spouse, may wisen up and leave the cheater, but there is no need for the cheater to leave his life.
Charity, thanks for checking back with us and keeping us updated. I'm so glad you've ended it.
LisaG thanks for echoing my sentiments. I hope you'll come back and post the link to your new hub so we can all check it out.
I too know how you feel, My H had an E affair for 18 mos. Although I feel it may have been more, I feel I am in denial. We have been married for 28 years, I HATE the piece of SHIT he had his nasty litttle fling with.It has only been 4mos. since I found out, & it was from a voicemail she left on his cellphone. She said sweetheart, I miss you baby, Call me. Then I found a card, W/ My sweet baby, I can hardly wait to see you again, I look forward to getting to know you better. I was DEVASTATED! I actually vomited, & fell to the floor, of course, he did fessup, But said it was just someone to talk to. I think she was just someone to make him feel good about himself, We are truly working on our marriage, He is so hurt that he hurt me this way, He has been a saint since being discovered, he didicall her on speaker phone in front of me to tell her it was over & never to call again. She kept calling, but I checked his voicemails, & it was evident he was not contacting her because she was saying sweetheart, please call me back. Here is my question, Hesaid they only talked for 5-10min each time. Maybe everyother day, Do you think that this Whore would really be satisfied w/ that & do you think they had sex/ She lives in Fla, & has a job as an assistant for a prominent politician She is older than me, & UGLY!! I have been told I resemble Eva Longoria. I am tiny, & Sexy, even he says that! I need to know more, but ever time we talk he says Why cant we just move on, Do you think it was more than a phone buddy, given the fact that she sent him that card, which by the way, he says he told her not to send him stuff like that! But I found it didnt I, In his truck. & also He said w/ he was in T. that he went to dinner w/ his friend & his girlfriend, & WHORE just happened to walk in! Please give me any input.
Hi all,
Being blunt myself...I can't decide if I'm more disgusted with those of you who are married or those of you who are sleeping with the ones who are married! Do you read the things y'all are posting? Most of you sound ridiculous!! You really believe a man/women when they talk trash about their spouse? Come on now people...grown up!
Crystal: You sound proud of the fact that you have "messed with married men all your life." Most women that talk like you get paid by the hour for their services... spreading your legs isn't a special talent honey! How would you know what a man's wife does or does not do?...guess you're stupid enough to believe everything a lying cheating man tells you!
gonnagether: I agree with you! If you continue to stay with your husband after what happened...give him hell! After the hurt he caused you he deserves no less!!
As far as Nicole's response to gonnagether...are you kidding me!!?? You are trying to make yourself feel better and sounding stupid in the process! Just because a married man pursues you does not mean you have to go alone with it! Can you not think for yourself and make your own grown-up decisions? What bothers me the most are those of you who have been cheated on by your spouse...knowing how it felt...then going off and sleeping with someone who is married. Is it hard to sleep at night knowing exactly what kind of hurt and heartbreak you are causing? Both people involved are equally guilty....don't kid yourself. And if any of you were truely sorry for what you are doing, you wouldn't do it! You apologise for things you have done, not things you continue to do as if you don't have a choice in the matter.
Several comments have been made by females here regarding the wives whos husbands you are sleeping with. I'm guessing none of you know the wives personally so I am curious as to how you can talk about them. Does that really make sense to any of you? Men exagerate ALOT! If you were to ask my husband if I am ever a bitch to him, his answer would be yes. But he knows the reason I act like that at times...If he comes home from work and does not want to help me with our children, stays out later with the guys then he said he was going to, or if he tries to take things out on me because he had a bad day...your damn right I'm gonna be a bitch! I don't roll over and take it up the ass from anyone! I don't think anyone should! Point being...I might be a bitch at times but there is a reason!...And if you talked with any of the wives I'm sure they would tell you why they are depressed bitchy or whatever!....one reason would probably be they are married to a cheating asshole!
SO...I'm thinking that all these "innocent" wives out there should know what their husbands are doing. I have emails begging and pleading with the "other woman" to just "hang in there and wait" Why should the "other woman" be the only one to suffer consequences? It is time for the husband to be put on the spot. What does everyone think about sending emails to the wife? At least let her KNOW what is going on and she can either see him later or decide to forgive him. Maybe it will open her eyes to pay attention to the world directly around her.
It is only FAIR, right??
First of all Gonnagether. I never spoke negatively about the man I was involved with wife. NEVER! Sweetie, I didn't do anything to you. I don't even know you.I was apologizing for the hurt you must have been feelings. I was only trying to point out, you sound like a got damn fool threatening a woman for sleeping with a man who wasn't even your damn husband at the time. He hadn't taken any vows to you. You were clearly hurt and flying off the deep in but only sounded EXTREMLY angry at the woman involved and said nothing about the lying cheating man.
Women in general often blame the other woman, are furious at her, call her the whore, the home wrecker and etc.... Decide to stay with the man. And have the nerve to let the man escape the blame. THATS BANANAS!
As far as my situation, I thought this man was telling me the truth. Not ONLY because of what he said to me but because I personally had gone through exactly what he said he was going through. It doesn't make it right and since, I would like to add I ended the affair. Not for her, not for him but fore me. And this HUB is what helped. So, instead of hitting confused woman hard you might just want to state the facts. It actually works. People are human everyone makes mistakes. Most adults know right from wrong but sometimes find themselves making not so smart moves when at certain points in thier lives. And unless you are Jesus Christ himself "Gonnahether" the same applies to you.
Strangly, you say I sound like a fool however, you chose the name gonnagether. Not gonnagethim. Then you make all kinds of threats on your postings. You come across as if you are above alot of the women here but YOUR NOT! If you were you wouldn't be as equally invovled as the others expressing themselveson this HUB. You don't have all the answers because if you did your man would have been home with you and not in the arms of another woman "When you had the right to act like a bitch" attitude. You really sound immature, dumb, hurt and angry. Yes, I agree most men will say they thier other halfs can be a bitch or act bitchy. but instead of you accepting that why not open up the lines of communication calmly and try to work on the issues within the relationship instead of excepting "Your being a Bitch"
One things for sure if you stay on this" I got the right to be a Bitch" path , He will cheat again.
Congratulations Nicole for ending the affair. I guess it must have been difficult, but it was the right thing to do. I am sure you feel much better and relieved.
I personally do not judge you. I know sometimes as humans we get ourselves involved in situations that are clearly not good for us. But once we turn around and do the right thing, we just learn from our mistakes and move on.
I posted this hub on Marriage
Thanks for the links, LisaG. They aren't working :( looks like they have underscores in the addys instead of dashes.
People, if you click on LisaG you should get her profile and can find her articles from there if the links directly to them aren't working.
Alright, I fixed it. The one on How to Have a Happy Marriage is working.
Thanks Veronica.
The problem i have with relationships in the so called developed countries is their inability to sustain a relationship simply because all they do during courtship is to have sex and once the sex is good,they get married and after a couple of years divorce is the next thing. Sex is good,infact very sweet but a relationship does not survive on that alone, you need trust and sacrifice on both couple's part is needed.
Are you not really ashamed of the difficulties you bring into the lives of the children that were born during this marriage.I believe the sense of moralty in that society is gone, you see nothing wrong with sleeping with married men or women,you encourage all the things that God frowns against. you turn the use of the things God created upside down and you pray for peace, fight terrorism, when the solution to all this problem lies in your home.If you have a happy home them there is a guarantee that you will have a happy nation.
Infact developement and modernisation used in the wrong way is the course of all our problems.Most people don't believe in God again, you divorce yourself and then remarry another person while you original spouse is leaving. you don't believe in heaven or hell.you are nonchallant.You claim that there is no God but you dance to the tune of the devil, if the devil exists then deffinately there is a God, if evil exist then there must be good. READ THE CONCLUSION IN MY HUB
I used to be one of those women who googled "married men in affairs", looking for answers...ANY sign or indication that my relationship with my "ex" was "the one", the less than 1% of all affairs that actually last. Any sign or indication that my relationship "could" last, I kept close to my heart. But I ignored the thousands of other indications that the affair would never make it. I wanted to believe this was the one, because the lust I felt for him was something I haven't felt since high school. In my mind, it HAD to be true because it felt SO right. The feeling was intoxicating, I waited days, sometimes weeks, for my next "fix" with him. He was like a drug.
Well, newsflash to all the women out there, I recently ended my 1 year affair with a 39 year old married man because he cheated on me "the other woman", with ANOTHER woman. Yeah, so karma came back to bite me in the butt. Don't get me wrong, I deserved it because I threw myself in between a 10 year marriage. The background: he told me a year ago, that he was going to wait until "after the holidays" to get a divorce. He told me he was "separated". He also told me that I was amazing, special, incredible, blah blah blah, and that he wanted to be with me. He told me that if he were single, he would be with me. Everything thats ever been said to women, he's told me. I heard it all. When we were together, he made me feel like a million dollars. The sex was absolutely mind-blowing, the best sex I've ever had.
After "the holidays", his excuses for getting a divorce soon changed to a million other excuses, everything from the slump in the housing market, to his youngest child starting kindergarten. The holidays was spent alone, my birthday was spent alone, and I was lucky enough to receive a card on Valentine's Day. But in my warped and drug-induced mind, the lonely nights was worth the 1-3 hours I got to spend with him a week, if I was lucky. I'll say it again, he was like a drug.
I knew it was wrong and tried ending it so many times, but he always convinced me to take him back. I was addicted. He was an expert at what he did, and I was too naive to realize it. But I almost didn't WANT to believe it. The fantasy world was too intoxicating. I wanted to believe he cared about me, because thats what kept my "high" going, at least temporarily when he was gone.
After months of living this unfufilling fantasy, I knew the only way out was to catch him in one of his lies. The fuse was there, I just needed the ignition to get myself away from him. Like a two-month long chess game, I basically had him cornered. He had no way out when I found out that he was cheating on me with ANOTHER woman. Thats when it all dawned on me, how wrong the affair was, how he was a lying sack of shit, and everything he ever told me was a lie, on top of another lie. I feel so bad for his wife, who is still living in the dark, and will be always tied to this man because she has two children with him. It will probably take her years, if ever, to find out the truth. And when she does, she can never fully end it like I did because of their common children.
Being the better person, I just walked away. No fights, no threats, no fits of sobbing, nothing. I had one last conversation with him, where he continued to lie to me, even though I knew the truth. I sent him one last text message, telling him how much he meant to me and I hope he knows it, and I just walked away. And at that point, I felt sorry for him. He continues to live in the fantasy world, and I was finally free, watching him with pity from the outside.
Ladies, my final word of advice. Do whatever you have to do to get away! Even if it means finding out the truth. If you don't, you'll always go back to him. Find a reason to leave, and never look back. I finally feel liberated, finally knowing that I had the strength to end this horrid relationship. Affairs will never work out. After knowing that I know now, I wish I never started one. This was a good life lesson for me, and I've moved on. I just hope other women out there have the strength to one day do the same. If my story helps just one other woman, my experience wasn't totally in vain.
great post k!!
First of all, thank you to everyone for your stories. I have been involved with a married man off and on for over 3 1/2 years. More off than on. Nevertheless it has completely screwed up my life because he knows just what buttons to push and where I'm vulnerable to him. So guess what....HE F!@#ING LIES to me. He is the MASTER MANIPULATOR! I swear he's a pathological liar and borders on being a sociopath. I have ended it with him sooooo many times after finding out he isn't separated, in the process of a divorce, moved out, blah, blah, blah..... And everytime I do, I'm crying, hurt, angry. Not so much at him, but myself for being such a fool for believing him again. And the guilt for being the "other woman" has all but destroyed me. I know...I deserve it. I should have waited until the divorce was final. He NEVER shows any emotion when I'm hurting and telling him to leave me alone, just calmly tells me to "knock off all the drama". I have just been so pathetic to believe all the lies he has told me everytime. When I've broken it off with him, I have changed my phone number (several times), I have even moved, and he always finds a way to me. He always tells me "he's chosen me", that he'll always be back no matter what I do. I have changed my email, passwords, accounts so many times, I now have to write everything down because there have been so many I can't keep track and HE STILL FINDS ME. I am soooo worn down. I have considered telling his wife and/or his adult children, but don't have the heart to destroy their lives. I soooo want to stop hurting. I am soooo sorry I ever met the man. I'm not even interested in finding anyone else. I just want to feel better about me. I have no support system, as I was too ashamed to admit to anyone I was seeing a married man. The post about your life being in "parts" is so very true. But not just your life; seeing a married man, if you have any conscience at all, fragments your very soul. I'm not seeing him now and he told me "okay" like nothing, like I was/am nothing/no one. God that hurts because I am!!! I just have to consider the source, but when you've been broken down as I ALLOWED him to do, it's incredibly hard. One breath at a time, one day at a time. That's all I can do and hope like hell he eventually forgets about me.
Me-
I've been in your shoes, literally, just weeks ago. One important step I took was opening up to others about my affair with MM. During the darkest time of my affair, I told one of my good friends, mostly out of sheer desparation. And to my surprise, he (and his wife) were sooo supportive!! I also told several of my other friends, and none of them turned me away for my mistake. That meant the world to me, and I would call my friends literally everyday and lean on them for support. Even if you need to open up to us, open up to SOMEONE. Its a huge step in healing. During this affair, you were probably like me, you turned away your friends and family because you were so ashamed. Your MM also probably brainwashed you, telling you that you can't tell anyone beacuse it'll hurt him, and he "trusts" you. Ok, this is no longer about HIM, this is about YOU. Its those people that will support you through this, and your MM is trying to push them away so he can keep you as long as possible. Its his way of controlling you. Don't let him!
Its not your fault that this affair happened, don't ever blame yourself. It takes two to tango. Your MM sounds a lot like my MM: manipulative and subtlety controlling. My MM used to throw the whole "drama" line to me too, saying I was causing more drama in his already dramatic life (i.e. with his wife...) ! We used to get in fights and in the end, I would apologize for causing so much "drama". Please, who brought on the drama by lying to his wife AND me? My MM was so good at lying, I almost didn't want to believe the truth anymore because I knew the truth was SO ugly. I didn't want to believe he was a cheat and liar, I wanted to believe he was my one and only, because that is what he used to tell me.
When life sucks, life is so much better high...until you come down from that. But the truth is, you (and I) were in love with a man you will never have. I realized that first hand when I found out MM was cheating on me! I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the lies. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks, this is not a relationship, this was an affair.
So, in order to heal, find an anchor first. Whether it'd be friends, family, or anonymous people in the internet. And with that support, one day, you'll find that you'll have the strength to leave. Just know that there are thousands of women out there who feel and understand your pain. Its a long healing process, but I'm confident you'll get through this. And when you do, I guarantee you'll be a better and stronger person! I know I am. Please continue to post here if it helps you heal. I know you'll survive!
k -
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! When I read them I cried and cried. I have felt so incredibly ALONE in all this. I also re-read your original post. Our "MM" is a clone. Apparently they are all the same or at least share the same evil traits.
I have done exactly like you described...I have totally isolated myself. I did that to me FOR HIM. How sick is that???? Like the holidays, when he was supposedly separated, he'd always tell me he'd "try to get away for a little bit", so I'd cut my time short with my family so I'd be available - just to end up sitting alone in the dark. No phone call, no visit. When he'd call after that, he'd tell me he was SOOOO miserable not getting to see/talk to me and that he'd sat by himself and thought about me and wished we were together, blah, blah, blah... It became all about HIM. HIS misery, HIS this, HIS that. Makes me sick to think I did this for almost four years. Every holiday, every birthday, every weekend. I never thought of him as a drug, but maybe that's what it was. I wanted so badly to believe someone cared/loved me. The last year I was with him wasn't like that though. It was just plain miserable for me. I didn't want him to call or come see me and like I said before, no matter what I did, he'd find me. He'd even just show up at my house all mad because I wouldn't answer the phone or return his calls. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted to be away from him and try to heal myself. I have cut up every picture, every note; thrown away every single pitiful gift, there is absolutely NOTHING left to even idicate he was in my life. The worst part of all of this is we work at the same place. I don't see him at work any more (thank God!), but he's there ya know? Because of how distructive this has been I'm even considering a new career/job. I'd loose all the hard work I've done, and maybe that's my punishment, that and the mental anguish/depression I've gone through for so long. I don't know, I just want it to STOP. Writing to this board has been a tremendous release because I have kept everything inside and hidden it all. I wish there was a website where screwed up people like me could chat or email for support. I got involved in this whole mess because I met and believed a man who told me he was separated and in the process of a divorce. I have tried to disappear from his life ever since finding out that's not true and never was/has been. HE is the one who continues to pursue this...NOT ME! I was the wife once and my husband cheated on me with my best friend. I know the other side and I'd never, ever knowingly do that to another woman/family. I'm not judging anyone who's ever believed the smooth talking, glib, charming men who cheat. It's just a really, really, bad, incredibly unhealthey thing.
Me-
Like you, I too work with my xMM, we met at our place of employment. It's very hard, what I did to try to heal was take time off from work. That helped tremendously, in fact, this upcoming weekend is probably going to be the first time I see him at work. for me, it got to the point where the hurt was no longer worth it. I too for months, considered quitting my job! But thats where opening up to others really helps! He's SOO worth quitting your job! In fact, that would probably cause more stress for you. Leaving your work will not make the pain in your heart go away, and you'd be dealing with the stress of a new job and starting over. My friends had to constantly remind me that he is not worth quitting my job, that I'm way better than that. And I know you are too! Imagine starting over, having to learn the ropes, trying to get along with new co-workers, AND dealing with the pain you feel in your heart! Its too overwhelming. So don't quit, don't let him control your life even more. You'll be happy one day that you didn't quit, when you are over your MM and you have another cute, handsome buck waiting for you outside work with flowers! ;)
MM are always about "them". They are selfish beings who have no regard for others. Like you, I too, sat around on holidays and birthdays, wishing and dreaming he could come by. If I was lucky, he'd stop by for 5 minutes. Thats pathetic! When I dare bring up that he doesn't spend enough time with me, I'd get an earful from him, like I should feel lucky that he graced me with 5 whole minutes of his holy presence! I'd talk back to him at first, but then over time, I realized how submissive I became towards him. It was absolutely the unhealthiest thing in the world! We allow this to continue because we let them. Soon, we're brainwashed to think that making our MM happy, makes US happy, even if it means giving up our own happiness.
I can tell just by your post, that you are breaking away. You are starting to realize that the unhappiness outweighs the so-called "happiness". You have support everywhere, reach out and you'll be surprised who grabs on. I leaned on friends and counseling. And then leave this pathetic excuse of a man! You can do it, you're not alone...
K and Me -
Thanks for using this forum for your discussion. It's been very interesting.
I wish you both the best.
Veronica
ok, I just re-read my post, he's NOT WORTH quitting your job! Sorry, was tpying too fast...=T
Wow. I have read every single word. I have been persued by a married man the past 18mths and managed to restrain myself. Just last sunday he propositioned me for the first time, asking to meet the next day. Have to say I have been tempted from day one. It is an ego boost for me and does get the blood racing but I need to stick to my guns. I am worth more than that. I deserve better, we all do. The poor wives and the poor women manipulated by these men. We all just want the same thing.
Well, this morning I finially told him to NO MORE and take care. For the umpteenth time. This time will be different. I have finally found inner strength from all of you. I cannot thank you enough. Especially "k" and Veronica who has this board. I will check back here every day and read and reread every word so I NEVER forget. I honestly feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Now I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And Joanne....Dear God....DON'T DO IT!!!! Please learn from us. If I never find someone to love again, it is infinitely better than feeling like shit all the time. Again - Thank you to everyone who posted here.
i aggree. he aint the trust worthy type. hes cheating on his wife who he loves so dear . what a load of crap he do the same to u too when u aint giving him the sex he needs . u go and divorce ur hubby if it aint right. but find someone who can fullfill ur needs. and who loves only u . he will never leave is wife for you. ur just giving him what he aint getting at home. fuck him off and ur hubby if it aint working go find the person that loves only you .all the best.
Hey all, thank you for your words of kindness. I just want my experience to give others the strength to move on. I've learned so much about others, and myself this past year! I've realized from experience that MMs are pathetic, self-centered losers. I've lost so much of myself the past year, I'm just now starting to care for myself again. I took up some new hobbies, re-skindled some lost friendships (some as a result of xMM), and even dating again. I've found a lovely new guy, whom I really enjoy being around, and I'm looking forward to where this new relationship might go.
Work still sucks because i see and hear from xMM. But he's not worth quitting my job over! And just a quick update, xMM is trying SO hard to come back into my life! He's back to his old bag of tricks, calling, leaving text messages, etc. And here's what I've learned, ladies...they will say or do anything to get you back...because it worked a gazillion times before!! All they know is their old tricks, because its what theyre comfortable with, and because they know how to exploit our vulnerabilities! They think, "Well, if I do exactly what I've been doing, she'll come back, she always does...I'll get some again." It's called "fishing", he throws out the "bait", because he thinks you'll hook it like you always do. If you throw out the "bait" for him, does he hook it? Probably not, because unfortunately, the relationship (AKA affair), is on his terms, not yours, and he knows it! Take back control now, because I'm telling you, its the most refreshing feeling ever! Leave quietly and with dignity, and let him know you're serious. He will probably try harder to come back, but the ultimate revenge will be when he realizes that he's lost you for good. Who's the one crying at home now??
The trick is to recognize his true colors, the "pathetic, self-centered loser" that he is. Not just recognize it, but feel it in your heart, so much that it almost burns. Me, being the better person, I don't accept his pathetic advances, nor do I bitch him out either. I just kindly refuse his request, and then ignore any further contact. Let me tell you, it makes me see the real him, the pathetic loser that he really is. And on the flip side, I can tell it drives him absolutely NUTS. It drives him crazy that he's lost me, and I'm ok with that. Because he is NO LONGER my problem!! The fact that he lost his booty call, is NO LONGER my problem. It's his! Dump the weight of the affair on him, its not your weight to carry!
Find it within yourselves to leave! You can do it...
very interesting posts from all sides of the coins, i have been very close friends with a married man for nearly a year we have not slept together or even kissed, we have met for coffee and enjoyed times together and have both admitted that we have strong feelings for each other, he is very un happy in his marriage and has been for 3 years after forgiving his wife an affair for the sake of his children, he has been married and faithfull for ten years, my view is that if your truly un-happy you should move on you can still be a good parent and support your ex partner, i dont think anyone has the right to judge people for what they do, we are responsible for our own choices we make in life not other peoples, we can offer support and advice but i think its wrong when people are calling others names such as whore or asshole !!
Well...I still think it is not a bad idea to "let the wife in" on what their husbands are REALLY doing and to ROCK their worlds like they have rocked ours. I have two in particular emails out of 100 I plan on mailing to her - I think she has a right to know and I think he deserves a little rocking of his own. Even if she keeps him, he may think TWICE before doing it again.
I know he is cheating! He is cheating on his wife with me (or WAS). I just wanted a survey of WHO thought I should send emails to the wife. Yes, it would hurt her, too, but....I think she has a right to know and I think he needs to COME CLEAN! I have ended it, but....I still hurt and want him to feel what I feel. I just wanted some feedback on what people thought about sending stuff to the wife to ROCK the cheating husband a little bit...maybe he will think TWICE before doing it again.
Charity,
Just my humble opinion...I don't see any sense in hurting someone who is completely innocent, i.e., the wife. I'm sure it would make you feel better initially, but only for the short term. I think that would fade and you'd still be left to deal with the hurt you have now. He'll get his...you may never know about it, but he will.
Sorry....my cat helped me post too soon :) As they say..."Karma's a bitch". Being involved with a married man was wrong from the get go for both. I knew it and did it anyway. I paid with wasting almost four years of my life, losing alot of my self-esteem, lots of guilt, and settled for sharing a man. NOTHING AND NO ONE IS WORTH THAT!!! (I can say that on hind sight) I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the catalyst that possibly tears a family apart on my conscience on top of all that. You're not going to change him. If he can change at all that has to come from somewhere inside him. Just my 2 cents...
i am seeing and in love with a married man, we were dating for 4 months before i found out he was married because his wife emailed me... he is an incredible liar... we have been to therapy to discuss our problems.... somehow i am continuing this relationship... i am in a daze here... we are in love and share an incredible bond, his wife knows he sleeps around... i dont know, i feel so confused. i am a professional person with a great career, i have been lying to most of the people in my life who know i have this boyfriend, because i was so happy about us in the beginning... we are on the phone all day and email constantly, i see him everyday, we have gone on a few trips, he spends the night when he can, uggggg im so confused, i do not ask him to leave his family, it is not my place to do so, he says he is not in love with wife but will not leave her with their kids, he talks about getting his own place and separating from her, but i am not sure if he will do so ever...i think what happened here is that he lied to me and by the time i found out the truth i was in way too deep, i forgive him for lying, i found out he had several other chicks besides me and he has broken off with them... the ove we have is real but the circumstance is impossible, i am having trouble leaving the love we have, breaking up would be so so painful. i realize that most likely we have no real future, and untilmately i do not trust this man... this does not mean i dont love him...i feel badly about his wife even if they do have a quasi open marriage, their relationship is not too much of my buisiness, i just wanted to add my story here...
charity, I used to think that contacting the wife would be a great idea, the ultimate revenge. Now, in retrospect, I'm glad I didn't. I was one mouse click away from sending her an e-mail, but my friends talked me out of it. In my opinion, it'll make things worse. Who's to say the wife will even listen to you? Or maybe she knows and doesn't care. You don't need the extra burden, In my opinion, its not worth it.
this website is a great..i think!!!! I am one of the idiots who is in love with a married man. Sorry about the name calling, but I know that all of you dating married men ask yourself this questions everyday "am I an idiot for listening to what he tells me". I know I ask myself that question nonstop...thats why we are all here...we are reading all of these posts HOPING to find someone who supports us, agrees with us, and someone that this has really worked out for BUT even though we will not admit it, we KNOW the truth, what we are doing is not healthy...we are giving everything we have to a man who is not even willing to give us even half of himself and then we wonder what WE are doing wrong, why WE are not good enough...I know tht by being with my MM, i am settling but I cannot leave...like everyone else, I am in love! I have broke up with him several times, dated single men with whom I had horrible dates, and then go running back to my MM telling myself that at least the small amount of time spent with the MM is good. aagghh...i dont even know what it is i am typing. I get so flustered over this situation because I really do want to leave him but something keeps pulling me back. Everytime i think i have the stregnth to leave, he does something that makes me think all of the sacrifices are worth our time together..only to get disappointed agian. Soooooo, i began to justify it to myself: telling myself that I am only with him for "fun" and that I am not in love, telling myself that I will date on the side but keep him around until i find something better...it never works out like that, I always end up comparing my dates to my MM and the MM wins. I know what i am doing...we all do...even though we all believe we are in love (and we just might be) we need to stop fooling ourselves because WE all ready KNOW know the truth...that we will NOT end up with them. I really learned this yesterday, thanksgiving, I spent the entire day alone...lonely...I texted him, emailed him, called him...guess what?...No answers...Then today he played mad at me because I know his situation and I am going to cause drama...I APOLOGIZED!!!!...afterwards I realized how pathedic I am...I APOLOGIZED...am I kidding myself....thats pathedic!!!! So, as you can tell, I am struggling with leaving him....Im working on it, really...i geuss Im through the first step...Im no longer in denial...hopefully this site will support me through the rest of the steps...good luck to all of the mistresses out there..I feel your pain, hopefully we can all get through this together :)
Oh yea...to all of the wives, even as hypicritcal as this seems: I AM SOOO SORRY!!!! My MM does not talk badly about his W. He tells about problems in thier marriage but has never said a disprespectful word towrds her. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt her, the sad truth is, that from what I know about her, if we ever met, we would probably end up being good friends...I PROMISE ALL OF THE WIVES...I M LEAVING HIM, I AM...IM TRYING REALLY HARD. Please be open minded, its not like i searched out my MM, he pursed me for over a year and we got together while they were seperated (she left him). I never would have done this if I realized the pain I was causing everyone (including myself...Thats why I am here...Im trying to stop, I really am...please dont judge me just support me, I really want to hear what the wives have to say..someone mature and open minded...please no name calling...I know that I have fucked up and trust me, I have called myself enough names all ready...
These stories hit home for me, for the past month I have been seeing a man who told me he was "getting a divorce". Now the "divorce" no longer comes up and guess what? I don't even have his phone number!! He calls me and his number is BLOCKED! How humiliating is that? And each time I try to break it off with him he comes over with some wine or makes dinner for me or takes me out..this is bad. All of your comments have inspired me to write a poem-I will post it as soon as I type it up.
Audacityofhope,
I know its easier said then done, but leave now...before you get in too deep!!!! At leaset your not tempted to call. Can you imagine how much harder it gets after months or even years and you do have his number and when you call you get forwarded to voicemail (because you know hes with the W). Can you imagine knowing where he lives...its hard to not give into the temptation to drive by just to see if their bedroom light is on....GET OUT NOW, before you fall far in love and end up hurting yourself...wow, I sure do sound like a hypocrit...
how do you leave someone you love ? i understand that this is amoral ect, but the love is strong and he treats me so well, like a great boyfriend, publicly and privately and he is like my best friend as well, how do i break this bond, as i said earlier, my guy basically tricked me for the months that ot took to win my heart before i found out the dreaded truth... ok, upon finding it out i becasme complicit by staying, i am equally at fault... but how do i leave this man who i love with all of my heart...
Private Call
You held my hand and made me smile,
You made this head-strong girl
Weak.
You cooked me dinner and played with my kids,
You rubbed my back,
You know what you did.
You told me I make you happy
and that you’re getting a divorce.
I thought I got so lucky
Meeting you at such a crossroads in your life-
But tonight…
You still have a Wife.
Thought it was matter of time, I could wait it out.
But how can I Wait
for something
that will Never come?
I
Can’t
Do
This
Any
More.
You call me when you want to talk,
said we’d go out Saturday.
But Saturday…
my phone did not ring.
Sunday’s fog almost choked me.
Memories of our earthquake nights
Shook me.
You took me.
But now,
I take myself Back.
I told you that you could not hurt me,
I said that I am grown.
But at night
Still
I am Alone.
I listen to your stories about your hard, hard life.
I want to see you
and kiss you
and hold you tight.
But tonight…
You still have a Wife.
Thank you for the attention,
You make me feel so special.
For 90 minutes,
And then
you have to go.
Thank you for the cookies and the coffee,
That really made me happy.
But soon that’s gone
and
You go Home.
Again
I am Alone.
Do you think this is the way I want it?
Have you ever thought of me?
I Don’t Want To Be Your Secret.
I don’t want you to be my Secret.
What I want is a man I can introduce to my friends
Who will take me out and hold my hands.
I. Can’t. Do. This. Any. More.
You told me you don’t want to meet my crazy family any way,
That you don’t want any more kids.
You told me this isn’t going anywhere,
That this is just How It Is.
You said we’d go out Saturday
but Saturday came and my phone
did not ring.
Ask me how a blind person knows what is there
Without seeing.
You told me without telling me that you are Not what I want.
Now you tell me you will wait to separate until after the holidays
But you never asked if I will wait until after the holidays.
Thanksgiving,
my Birthday,
Christmas and
New Year’s Eve…
Those holidays I’ll spend alone,
I Am Not Naïve.
So continue paying her bills
and holding her at night
and asking your kids if their day was alright.
Because I’m telling you without telling you-
Don’t bother calling me at all,
I will no longer answer
when its says “Private Call”.
thanks Agghh for your words of encouragement. I realize that ever since my divorce the only men I have "dated" have been attached-either "separated" or "getting" a divorce. I see that I have been so stupid. I have never been to any of THEIR houses-they have come to mine. Married men don't even fucking wear rings any more, and they will say any thing to make you fall for them. I am beautiful, educated and have a really good job, but all of that doesn't matter when you feel like shit. I feel like there is something wrong with me bc I only attract married men....
you guys have to watch this...it gives me strength. I know its country but bare with it...its definitly worth watching:
AudacityOfHope....WOW!!! What a phenomonal poem. Reading that was like looking in a mirror. Thank you. As for Sugarland's "Stay", I used to just break down and cry when I heard it. Now I just get tears in my eyes. Maybe I'm getting better. God knows it's still incredibly hard. I have to ask everyone/anyone....Do you ever second guess yourself? My relationship with a married man has changed so much of me. I don't trust anybody. I'm so afraid of getting hurt again, I can't even think about being with someone. Have I lost my mind? I tell myself this is some sort of self defense mechanism and will go away in time. But it still keeps me isolated on a level, just like he did ya know?
Dear Me,
I'm so glad you liked the poem...
agghh I had never heard of Sugarland before, I enjoyed that song so much.
I think it is clear, being someone's secret is really degrading. Being in a secret relationship with a married man makes you subconciously think you are not good enough to be his official woman. Somehow we then translate this feeling into: "maybe I'm not good enough to be ANYone's official woman!" This is totally ridiculous. All I know is I need a real man, someone who will take me to the hospital if I am sick or who will watch my kids if I need to run to the store or who will help me cook dinner and wash teh dishes. THIS is a real man, not someone who comes over to hump!!! we are so strong ladies, we can kick these charmers to the curb. This is the only way to make room for real love to walk into our lives.
ME,
I used to feel the same but I am starting to loose those feelings. You see, I think that this sick game we are playing would cause anyone to have those feelings. I mean we are giving these men everything we have and getting shit in return. We start to think it is our fault but it is not. I mean, it is our faults for being in these situations but just by being on this forum shows we are trying to fix this. We will have normal relationships one day, with men who love us, and only us...with real men...
A REAL MAN: someone who will want to spend the holidays with me, someone who wants to hold me in there arms ALL night, someone who doesnt have thier best friend call me telling me his wife has his phone when hes in the hospital, someone who doesnt ask me not to wear makeup because he is afriad it will run off o his shirt...this is definitly not my man!!!! I hope you dont mind me writting alot right now but I feel like venting a bit. Yoo see, my situation is a bit different then everyone elses here: I met my MM 2 years ago, we were nothing more then acquiantances. There was a physical attraction from the beginning but nothing ever happened because I knew he was married. eventually we lost touch. Months later, ran into eachother and he was single. His wife moved across the globe. They were no longer together. At first I was weary so we became friends, A few months later we started dating. i almost even lived with him at his apartment. I drove his car. I took his dry cleaning in. we vacationed together. He would cook dinner, I would clean. We went to dinners everynight and I was introduced to all of his friends and his father even knew of me. This went on for 6 happy months..we were the couple that everyone evied because we were so in love!!!! Our eyes lit up when we were together and he would never let go of my hand. Then he went on a buisnnes trip to another country. On the way back he stopped to visit his x and thier baby. He was devastated that his baby cried everytime he pick him up. He decided he coulldnt live without his baby and it killed him that his child was accross the world. He came back from his buissness trip with his wife and baby. Initially, thats when I broke up with him. i didnt want any part of it. But the nights of him begging at my door and the endless phone calls about how i am the pure love he alwys dreamnt of, how he needed me in his life, how he didnt want to loose me...i gave in and whalaa...its now been 3 months of me dating a MM. I have broke up with him numerous times and somehow always end up with him. When we are together I think that the small amount of time we spend together is worth the pain that i feel, at times like now...laying in bed with thoughts of him and HER laying in the bed I used to lay in with him...it makes me nasuea. At first i would have nightmares and wake up vomitting at the thought of him with her. I dont know id=f its a good thing or a bad thing that those dreams stopped. Anyhow, these relationships that we are in definitly make us reevalute ourselves constently. I have decided that, maybe, deep down we are just afraid that we wont find anything better...maybe we are afraid of being lonely...but look at us..typing to each other (strangers) on some forum...I dunno but I sure think that that is lonely..so are we really winning? My MM has never lied to me. He doesnt promise me he will leave her. He has said that he wont. He does say that they dont get along but knows thats a part of an realtionship. he has even told me that if she left him agian, that it wouldnt mean that I would replace her. He says he would want to be single. So maybe I am more stupid then anyone else here...at least you MM are giving you hope...mine doesnt...yet I am still around. HHHmmm...anyways...i know this was long...thanks for allowing me to share my story. Oh yes, and i have met this other guy, he seems really nice, single, and sexy...he wants to go out on a date...can someone please help me explain why I keep turning him down because i feel guilty because i am "committed" to my MM who is "committed" to his wife??????
hE JUST TEXTED ME "GOOD NIGHT, I LOVE YOU"...WOW, i AM SUCH A LUCKY GAL...HAHAHAA..AS MY LAST POST SAID ....WHY THE HELL ARE WE SETTLEING??????????????
go out with the other guy, dont be crazy or more crazy than we already are
see what its like to be with someone who is available, dont feel guilty, that is fantasy guilt because you wish it was a real relationship where u would feel guilty, it is a fantasy for him and thus for you, but we women miss out on having someone to go home when our fantsay sessions of love end... these guys get it all and we are the on the side chciks that they know will stick around becuase we are victims, hero women dont eat shit...come on girls lets be heros to ourselves, fucking a amarried guy a few times is ehhhhhh, but being with one, pretending to be theor girlfriend...no good ladies. i dont know how im gonna leave mine, we happend to be very very close friends and in love but in a fantasy world
sure in public he kisses me and holds my hands, my friends think he is my boyfriend, he says he is , he says we will be together forever, he wants us to have a baby soon...but he wont leave his family a mess, i find this heroic in ways, but it sucks for me.
i live this james with all of my soul, us together naked in bed cuddled and sexually entwined feels life heaven, a heaven i want to prolound
UGGHH,
THANKS, IT
ugh, thanks..I ACCEPTED THE DATE!!!!
and..i didnt text my MM back last night...and geuss what, he couldnt stand it...he texted me numerous times today including first thing in the morn..isnt it amazing how he found the time today...im sure he spent the entire night wondering why i didnt jump and return his text right away, like ussual. Funny how things change when the tables are turned. Im starting to feel stronger but I know that it wont last because we have a vacation planned for this weekend...or maybe it will make me see that i am worth being with everynight and not just planned vacations...we will see. I get more disgusted with my actions daily AND this site has helped alot...i dont feel so alone...thankyou guys!!!!
ugh, thanks..I ACCEPTED THE DATE!!!!
and..i didnt text my MM back last night...and geuss what, he couldnt stand it...he texted me numerous times today including first thing in the morn..isnt it amazing how he found the time today...im sure he spent the entire night wondering why i didnt jump and return his text right away, like ussual. Funny how things change when the tables are turned. Im starting to feel stronger but I know that it wont last because we have a vacation planned for this weekend...or maybe it will make me see that i am worth being with everynight and not just planned vacations...we will see. I get more disgusted with my actions daily AND this site has helped alot...i dont feel so alone...thankyou guys!!!!
I am not a pathetic loser who thinks badly of myself. I am not a slut. I am not a whore. I already had feelings I was hiding for a MM, hid them for 10 months before the friendly banter changed to innuendo and I realized he was "casting his line" to see if I would bite.
I bit.
We were already such good friends, I lied to myself and watched him lie to her so that we could have the most incredible sex I've ever had, and for the first few weeks, that was really all it was for me. I woke up one morning and reached for him, even as I realized he wasn't there...would never be there. And I knew I was in trouble.
I am not a homewrecker. I do have a conscience.
He would sneak out early before work, come into my unlocked front door, wake me up in the most wildly sexy, kinky ways that I'd dreamed of my whole life. He would text me at work, from work, telling me he was going to pick me up at lunch and what exactly he planned to do to me. I allowed lust to temporarily override my heart and head for so, so long.
One day he said he couldn't do it anymore. From the beginning he said when it was time to be done, he would be honest about it. He wouldn't just put me off or stop calling...he would say it was done. And he was saying it. My heart took over then. I cried. I begged him to reconsider. My brain was involved enough to keep me from saying I loved him, and I told him how much we had left to explore, new things we both always wanted to do...and how it was such a good thing I wasn't in love with him because if I "met someone" which he sincerely wants for me, I would dump the MM in a minute...I convinced him. He was having an attack of conscience, the first sane thought either of us had had since it began, and I talked him back into the wrong we were doing. Six days later, his wife found out.
To every woman who reads this, I apologize to the woman I hurt and her children, but I do not apologize to you, whether you are a betrayed wife or in love with a MM as well...your life is what you have made it. If you have been cheated on, there were warning signs. That doesn't make right what he did, but if you had known before you married him that he would cheat, would you have walked away from all that would happen besides that? I am not proud of myself, but I can't do more than apologize and hold my head up, and keep the good things I got from the affair.
And learn from it, grow from it, become a better person...and maybe, someday, forgive myself for cheating HER...and me.
And you see I don't mention what I hope for him. He wants me to meet someone who can be mine and make me happy. But his wife thought she had that once, too. He is not a man. And he disgusts me as much as I disgust myself.
HI to everyone here who is hurting I wish you peace and love. My story is that 4 months ago I bumped into an old friend. We talked and he told me he was very unhappy in his marriage. I knew him from years ago and he was unhappy with her then (doh!) but had married her two years ago because he had cancer. He said she booked it all so he went along with it. Anyway, we went for a few drinks a few days later and one thing led to another. I was already hurting a lot at the time because of a breakup so thought I would not get involved, it was just someone to have fun with.. A couple of months went by and things started to get me down, I did end it a couple of times but he made ME feel guilty each time. Anyway, after 3 months like this he was staying at my place at the weekends from time to time so she kicked him out. And where did he go? You guessed correctly..we had 2 weeks of him staying with me, making such HUGE effort cooking, cleaning, shopping, the perfect guy, he even met my parents when they came to visit instead of going to stay with his sister like I told him to. Anyway, he is 42, I am 37 and his wife is 50. She has 3 grown up children and the youngest son (19) is in some trouble. He says he had to stay until after January when he goes to court. Looking back there were SO MANY warning signs I chose to ignore (stupidly) But the upshot was that one day he walked in out of the blue and said he was going to stay with her son to help with his depression. this was on Tuesday. Just took his stuff and went just like that. Saturday morning he showed up all clean shaven and fresh and we had sex, but he didn't stay long, he said he had to get back to the boy> that evening he called me to say 'his wife' had my number, she did text me that night pretending to be him but I ignored it. Next day he called me to say he was worried I would ring her (I now had her number). He was so cold and rude to me I was stunned. I did not call her, just told him to leave me alone. He had obviously gone back to her from the word go (the first chance he got)-I have never felt so used. 5 weeks on I am still raging with fury even tho I knew he was married! I have sent him horrible text messages (including one today) beacuse the anger will not go away. I imagine him lYING to her and her believing it, how can he think he can just get away with this? He promised to never hurt me but when it came to the crunch he did'nt give me a second thought, all the nights I stayed up with him listening to his tales of woe were a WASTE of time because if life was so damn hard why did he rush back there? Don't fall for the charm please save yourself for the one who is available, it is just not worth the pain...
plain and simple, you just shouldn't mess around with somebody elses man and if he can do something like that to this own wife, then surely he can do the same to you.
tonight i had an epihany...i am not sure if i am in lovce with my mm anymore...i think i am just in love with the 6 months we had together before his w returned. he is no longer that person...i am in love with the past that is no longer a reality...tonight we even spoke openly about his w like he knew that i am fully accepting of the situation and regardless of what he says or how he rubs it in my face, i will not leave. for the first time, i felt like he looked at me as his fool. i think that everyday i am loving him less and everyday the pedestal that i see him on lowers...this is good, really good. hopefully soon, the pedestal will become a hole in which i will be able to completly look down upon him...i believe it will be in the near future. And, unlike everyone else here who talks about the amazing sex...we rarely make love, only on a few occassions...it is the companship that we enjoy...which is what makes this hard. dont get me wrong, the sex is great (once a month maybe) i mean we see each other 5 nights a week but only make love maybe once a month...we are simply each others support and i think that more then anything, i am afraid of loosing a friend
hey all, a lot of great posts recently. If you guys have the chance, please read this two-part article about a married man who has had numerous affairs, and why he won't leave his wife. Just kinda puts things in persepctive.
k - The link isn't working. Can you try again? Or leave the link to the main site, and directions to find the article? Thanks!
Sorry, I had to do some research to find the link again! Lets try it, hopefully it'll work...
<a href="http://observer.guardian.co.uk/life/story/0,6903,5 Man Who's Had 46 Affairs (and counting)</a>
k...the link still doesn't work. Has anyone ever noticed how when you won't play their game, won't kiss their ass, won't say you're sorry, won't be manipulated anymore, won't be a part of their fucked up lifestyle, they turn into complete f!@#$% assholes? Wow...he's not even the same human being. He is definitely the worst thing to ever come into my life and things can and will only get better from here. Without him I can be me....and that's a really great feeling!!!
sorry, trying this again!
click on my name in my previous post, it'll take you to the site.
Wow, that's some article.
k - thanks for working so hard to get us the link.
Wow...I've been out of town and Have not seen the hub in over a week. GREAT POSTS!! I know that I should not send emails to the wife and I GET that I would be the bigger person if I did not...but these men carry on and promise and choose a certain kind of woman and they are CONFIDENT that we will NEVER do to them what THEY do to us.
My brother just died tragically and guess who PROMISED to be by my side, but never actually SHOWED UP? I was 99.9 percent positive he would not show up anyway. Over the past 6-8 months I have expected NOTHING and when I get nothing, there is no disappointment. We have not been "together" in MONTHS, we have not even kissed. We do email and have seen each other once or twice. I told him to quit calling me because the entire 2 years is a ridiculous JOKE. He texted me on the day of my brother's funeral and I texted him back to thank him and NOW...I WILL send the emails - with my name ERASED to his wife. I have apologized to her and told her there are SEVERAL other women besides me. She has a right to know and his Christmas, birthday, anniversary will ALL be affected. That gives me VALIDATION. They have no children together, she has two kids from a previous and she will concentrate on them....he will be BEGGING, PLEADING and doing ALL the right things to win her back - it may or may not work, and I don't care if it does or does not, but I need to do this for ME! This will definitely end the other part of our relationship, i.e., emails and phone calls for GOOD.
Happy Holidays all - be STRONG and do whatever you have to do to END THE RELATIONSHIP with the MM. I don't have a desire to meet anyone RIGHT now, but my mind is always open and I will find happiness within myself and I have two beautiful girls who need me strong. :)
Dear all
I'm 20 yars old and have been infatuated with a married man twice my age for over 4 years. I don't see him very often, when i do, its to look after his children.. we kiss and cuddle whenever we get the chance... the attraction and chemistry from the very first moment we saw eachother was just electric, especially for a young impressionable, naive teen... I always say to myself that I'm so much better and stronger and that he doesn't deserve me, and i vow that i will give him the brush off the next time i see him.... it never works out like that - i want him too much and it eats at my conscience...I'm disappointed in myself all the time yet I'm addicted. It goes against y morals and scruples and yet I don't fight it. What is it about it? will it stop? is he using me? - We have never slept together, hes always said he wanted to wait til i was older and how much he loved my mind and intellect... this doesn't help me!! What am i to him? A nice change from hs stay at home wife? I need some harsh and honest advice...!!! XXX
well I'm having an affair with a married man but whenever i try talking to him about what's going to happen later on he keeps teeling me that there r no guarantees and he's got 3 kids to think about and u never know what can happen.... the stupid thing is i keep falling for him whenever he tells me he loves me so much and he'll do anything for me and he calles me like 5 times a day and i'm just confused and i dunno what to do...help!
good for you charity.....unfortunately in a fit of anger i deleted all his emails but i could do that! i dunno if i have the ourage though..... but good for u!!!
i totally agree with alex....oh wait i mean highschool08
Leve them alone?! As if they are the victims in all this!
They seek US out and THEY lie and make empty promises. We may be idiots and FALL for them, but the wives are the true VICTIMS here and...as a woman, I feel a duty to be honest, which is why I sent the emails. I certainly would want to know what my husband was up to...as much as it may hurt, I would want to know so I could make a choice. If these women choose to stay...well...then I feel they both deserve each other, but maybe they are SOO naive and REALLY want to believe their husbands. There are good men out there and eventually, when I'm ready, I will find one.
I'll keep you posted...the emails via snail mail should arrive today or tomorrow. Who knows...maybe she will throw it in the trash to avoid confrontation and if that happens, I will say it agaain...THEY BOTH DESERVE EACH OTHER, and I will be happy I was honest.
i once sent the wife an e-mail, but found out later that he had access to her inbox and deleted it before she could see it. Bugger.
DEar naive...
bless you, you must be confused eh? so you babysit for your MM.. i think its probably just a huge amount of titilation for him, the kick of getting off with a girl half his age... hes manipulated you, taken advantage of your youth, and indeed naivety - you can't see that he's using you yet... but it will become clear with a bit of maturity and you will look back and think "why the hell did i give him the satisfaction" i hope you get the strength to cut things off before you get too involved... 3 years though, thats a long time, and the fact that he hasnt slept with you or pushed it does make me think twice...a tricky one! I wonder why he's doing that.
Well...the wife received the emails I sent, she called me on the phone to ask questions because her husband told her we ONLY kissed. I did not lie and we actually had an adult conversation for almost 8 minutes. She was BEYOND nice and actually apologized to me, which I told her she had NOTHING to apologize for and that I should apologize and SHE was the victim. She has been made to feel like she is CRAZY, WORTHLESS and he has lied to her incessantly and she actually THANKED me for allowing her to know that she is NOT crazy.
She still does not know what she will do, but she admitted that she DOES love the guy and I said I completely understood and that he had good qualities and maybe with professional help they could make things work. I am happy that I have given her the truth about her husband and allowed her to realize that she is not crazy. She seems like a real person and he is a FOOL to not do EVERYTHING to rehabilitate himself.
I feel good and as difficult as this is and will be, the truth shall set you free!!
Get rid of the married man - all of you.
That is quite a happy ending!!Good to hear.
I've just been reading the comments, and understandably alot of angry wives are referring to mistresses as "Whores" - I ask you this... what is your husband? How can you be so feeble as to put up with a man who has made love to another woman after commiting to you and only you. After all, the mistress hasn't made a promise to you... why would she care about you? She doesn't know anything of you - most likely she has been manipulated by your husband to believe that you are the worst wife on earth. Put yourself in such a position whereby a man you are so attracted to, physically and emotionally reaches out to you, honestly or dishonestly, and tell you how much he loves YOU etc etc etc... not all of these women having affairs are bloody maneaters or whores!!! They're only human. The wives really are the victms though - if you're husband cheats - have some strength and leave - if you don't, you deserve everything you get.
It is very terrible,though love is everywhere and it doesnt ask why.Only one should have concious mind of the other.Suppose you were the wife of the man and you love him to your extent,and he plans to leave you for another woman.
It is very terrible,though love is everywhere and it doesnt ask why.Only one should have concious mind of the other.Suppose you were the wife of the man and you love him to your extent,and he plans to leave you for another woman.
If I loved someone, I would NEED to know if they were having an affair and OF COURSE I would need to know if they were in love with another. It is sad either way, but let the truth be known How can one be happy in either situation? Is happiness not the ultimate goal in life? Is not knowing BETTER??? If you even suspect your man of having an affair, you could NEVER trust him nor would you EVER be happy.
I think the typical married men having affairs are more in love with themselves than they are EVER capable of being in love with any woman.
Ah, yes... if I was rich and famous, married men would leave their wives for me... and then leave me for the next big thing. ;)
Married men are married, and once they (and their affairs) figure that out, things can start to get better.
Great hub & advice.
Ah, yes.Leave the married men alone, they have issues
Yes, I love married men...... they are dishonest liars and cheaters. You cannot have them except on their time. They will most likely never stay long term with you and never give you anything more than a little sex and heartbreak. Yes, I want to date a married man!
An excellent book... "diaries of an internet lover" by Dawn Porter... i have always been in love with the same old boring marired man - listen ladies - they're all the same!! WE are only attracted to this species becaue they're a little bit different to the ordinary man - i.e. they are taken... the affair i had was based on my adrenaline... i had so much adrenaline running through me whenever i saw him... it was the higlight of my day, but shit we can do so much better... since reading the book above ive been online and had so much fun with men...and women.. that offer me SO much more than he can.. if i could say anything i would say to you all.. "open your eyes!!" Love to you all x
who out of all of you, believes in jesus? Just out of interest? Im a london girl and suffering with conscience... where is veronica to answer all of these questions by the way???
I too have been dating a married man for 4 years. i had three abortions with this man and then his wife found out two years ago. it was a difficult couple of days talking to her as i was unsure whether she was angry or not even surprised. she told me i was not the only one. anyway after that i was hurting alot from finding out the truth but he stayed in my life. he told me after she found out he moved out and was trying to find out what he wanted. so we stayed together for another two years. However I never had a good feeling about it and whenever i confronted him we fought. about a month ago i called the wife and i found out that he never moved out and she had forgiven him. i shared the fact that we were still togehter and she asked me to send her evidence of it which i did. he is still calling me and seeing me and told me that she is tough on him i don't believe it as i think she has forgiven him again and he said she didn't want to know the truth. he is still engaging me in discussions about us and i love him still that it is hard for me to walk away eventhough he has hurt me so very much. please help me?
All I can say to you heartbreak....you are an IDIOT!!! 3 abortions?? are you kdding me? if he threw you down a set of steps and than picked you up after and told you he loved you, would you believe him??? 3 abortions??? why do you stay with him??? You are a PERSON...you have a BACKBONE...find it and tell him to F**k off. If you have to be miserable before you are happy, DO IT!! he has NO FEELINGS...he has the gift of gab and NOTHING more!!!
OMG..WALK AWAY and never look back! he sucks!!
hey girls...sorry I havent been on here for a few weeks. i see there have been alot of good posts. Here's my update: We went our vacation together. We had a very enjoyable time together but I have concluded that, yes, I do love him, but NO I am not IN LOVE with him. We have a good time together and we have alot in common but thats about it. I still havent found all of the strength to walk away as we have seen each other a few times since returning from vacation but I can see our relatinship together changing in the near future. These last few times we have seen each other have been different. last night's dinner conversation consisted of a truthful conversation. I dont believe that he has lied in the past but just ommitted certian truths and I have not been completly forward with my feeling because i was scared of his answers. last night was different. We talked about how he does have sentiment for his wife. How he has a guilty conscious and sometimes he wonders why he is doing what he is doing with me. He does love me, I have no doubt but he loves his wife too...maybe more. He wonders what he plans on getting out of our relationship. I too, asked my much hesitted questions. Why he is doing this? Why he thinks he loves me? etc.... I told him that i wonder the same things...why am i doing this...i dont wantt o be 30 and stuck single because I wasted my 20's with him. We talked...really talked...no bullshit...I hink we are both coming to alot of harsh realizations.....I think that we might be ending this soon but I dont know...we are each others support blankets right now. I geuss only time will tell...I would really like to see this end on good terms though...so MAYBE ....ONE DAY, we will be ablr to have a friendship. Regardless of his faults, he is a good guy. Regardless of my faults, I am a good person. Regardless of his wives faults, I am sure she is a good woman too. I think that everyones posts are wrong (well at least in my case) I thnk we are ALL victims...victims of love and inoptune timing....love is something that can not be controlled
Well- certainly theres a lot of comments about the oldest topic in history. It will always exist unfortunatley due to we as people being just that human- But God forgives and we as women and men need to seek forgivenss and live right according to Gods word. I would not be so quick to call anyone a whore or marriage intruder be it the manor woman. I personally know a man whose been married 26 years and not love his wife- She knows it shes cried and cried and fought and is still fighting to keep him. He has an affair with some other woman and the sad thing about is that HE LOVES the other woman. He is home with his wife because thats his comfort zone and all his hard work. I am not the one involved in the affair- THANK GOD. I am not strong enough for that crap. But this couple are dear friends of mine and my husbands. We tell him that its wrong and he knows it. This man does everything he can to get caught thinking his wife is going to leave him instead of having the courage to say I'M DONE. All you prayer warriors pray for those that lead such a miserable life. In fact we all need prayer NO SIN IS GREATER THAN THE OTHER- SO IF YOU FORNICATE youre still wrong. Women. Pray for God's Strength and wisdom to help you through such situations. Those that are not involved- PRAY THAT YOU MAY NOT FALL PREY TO THE VERY SAME THNG THAT YOU SO QUICKLY CONDEMN AND JUDGE.
someone said to me today....if his wife and I were both fallin g from te side of a cliff and he could only choose one to save...who would he save???? Unfortunately, we all know the sad truth...we would probably fall to our deaths. I mean he doesnt want tto hurt her know ( by leaving her) tho it causes us to cry and beg (yet nothing is done about that) Sorry ladies but in that sinerio, we would all be DEAD while our men continurf thier happy/not so happy livres with thier wives...sad...but true...really...think about it
I agree with aaaggghhh... Essentially we are the bit on the side... Deep down, we know we don't mean as much to them as their wives do - they only want a bit of fun to make their life with their wife bearable.. Men can sepearte the two quite easily: wife and children on the one hand and: dirty little secret on the other. My friend was having an affair with a guy and after the affair was over, he said that he was going to continue his marriage and be "happy" because he will have distractions. i.e he could bare the marriage so long as he could have flings with...well with women like us. Whilst we're being hurt, his life is all fine and dandy... He's the only winner in the situation - he gets to have his cake and eat it and if he gets found out, then he'll be in the dog house for a little while..but the majority of wives stay.. even after repeats... so i guess we women need to take some sort of stance?!
I took a stance and sent emails to the wife and had several conversations with her confirming his lies to me and her! If she stays...then she is as pathetic as he made her out to be. they have NO kids together, but she has two boys headed to college in a couple of years.
At least I did my part and...she knows it has been going on for 2 years +
He's lied incessantly to me AND her, so....while I am hurt, I do feel some sort of gratification. At least he is not LIVING with me and LYING to me while climbing into my bed every night...I can walk away with a little broken heart, but in time it will heal.
I don't know how a married man could cheat on his wife for 4 years. I mean, he must have loved her at some point to marry her, right? Although, one of the biggest problems in marriage is that people don't know what they want when they get married to begin with. Based on statistics, it's quite apparent that too many people (both men AND women), don't even take their wedding vows serious.
As far as you being the "mistress"...I (a husband by the way), would just have to ask you this: "If he can't bring himself to leave his wife for you, he can't even commit to YOU (or obviously his wife)...why the hell would you really even want to bother with him???" All of us here leaving you comments are really nobody to be standing over you and judging you...as we all have our faults, too!
I see by the comments that most wives have very strong feelings towards someone that is having a relationship with a married man (although I think that men that get involved with married women...especially when children are involved; well they're just as bad).
But if a man's committment to his wife is as it should be....with true love, faithfulness, loyalty and honesty; then a wife wouldn't really have to worry about him cheating anyway.
And the way I see it: The husband who is cheating on his wife should be the one that is held more accountable....after all, "HE" is the one who made the commitment to her. Like it or not, a mistress doesn't owe her anything...but the husband sure as hell does.
If that husband is loyal and loving enough, then a mistress may still be a temptation....but one that is certainly overcome WITHOUT HURTING HIS WIFE. IN OTHER WORDS...HE WOULDN'T CHEAT NO MATTER WHAT!
As far as your situation, who knows, maybe his wife has been cheating on him all along, too.
I have yet to see a man/woman cheat on their spouse, leave their spouse for that person and then end up having a good relationship (let alone marriage) with the one they originally cheated with.....IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN!!
Regardless of what happens, I certainly do wish you the best of luck and hope you find what you're looking for.
charity - do you ever feel jealous now that you choose to leave and she will stay with him and enjoy the good qualities that you feel for with him? It would tear me up inside to know that he is climbing into bed with her everynight even though he is lying - not sure what's worse? living the lies and having him or facing the truth as you did and not have him? I was in a similar situation and the thought of being without him for the good qualities was very painful.
Well...it took me an entire YEAR to do it. I TOTALLY believed in him (in us) the first year...then, the second year I realized "the affair" was going on too long to be believable and I KNEW he was not only lying to her, but ME!! I stopped feeling the connection because once the LIES are obvious and the bullshit is KNEE DEEP... the feelings tend to dissipate.
Please remind yourself that THEY have issues and we are in love with the person they are CLAIMING to be...not who they REALLY are. You do NOT want to be in the wife's situation...YOU DO NOT!!! The adrenaline rush would be gone in NO time and you would be stuck with a LIAR and a CHEAT! I miss things about him, but I FEEL better all around and believe it or not...I don't feel LONELIER because I am not WAITING for something that WILL NOT COME!
I'm so thankful I stumbled upon this site...
I'm 23 years old and since I can remember, I've always been madly attracted to older, married men. I don't know why. I've tried to analyze myself numerous times. - Maybe I'm attracted to unavailable men because I know it's wrong and forbidden and that is exciting to me. And I know I'm attracted to older men because they're more mature (or so they seem) and they're more established in life and that draws me to them.
Just recently I have been seriously crushing on another married man. He has been my boss the past 3 months. We definitely have chemistry. I flirted with him every chance I could when I saw him and I shouldn't have. He liked the attention, of course (what man wouldn't? It's a big boost to his ego!) and I craved the attention from him. I admit - I'm lonely. It's nice to be desired and admired...it's the best feeling. I'm sure other women can relate. Nonetheless, it's wrong. It's wrong for me to seduce him, and it's wrong for him to look and think things he shouldn't.
One day, through the "grapevine" at work, I heard he wasn't "happy" in his marriage and that he was possibly looking for a girlfriend. Once I learned that I went after him even more. And just recently I've been thinking, "If he asked me to, I would."
HOWEVER, after stumbling upon this site and after reading what everyone's shared so openly, I've realized that what I'm doing is wrong, toxic and hurtful on SO MANY levels. I'm selfish and self-mutilating and he's a cheat (and always will be) and not worth it. I'd ruin his life and he'd ruin mine. Nothing positive would come out of it. In the end, both parties would be miserable and I'd still be lonely and have the same cravings I'd had before - love, adoration, commitment, honesty and respect...something that isn't possible to get in an affair. Afterall, the foundation of an affair is built upon lies and empty promises.
Thanks to all of you and your raw testimonies, my mindset has totally changed and already a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I now see the serious damage and consequences an affair can cause. What was really helpful to me was to read the comments posted by the adultresses. - The common thread was that these women, in the end, were lonlier, more unsatisfied and unhappier than before the affair. That was good for me to see. And at the end of the day, HE would still go home to his wife - the liar who vowed before God and witnesses that he'd stick by her "until death do us part."
I deserve a relationship that's good and pure. I deserve to be showed off. I deserve happiness. I deserve a rich, loving future with someone. ...and I can't have any of that in an affair with a married man.
Thank you, Veronica, for your bluntness. We need more people like you to speak up and say it how it REALLY is. Your straight-forwardness is refreshing! And thank you to all of you who have shared your stories. - My wish to you is that you find happiness and fulfillment in all that is good and pure.
I DID IT!!!!!!! I LEFT HIM...after a year...im done!!!! I have even been dating..bad dates but dates with single sucessessful men who dont care if i leave makeup on thier shirrts....what a total sense of relief!!!! HE HAS TRIED TO COME BACK BUT I HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY STRONG....please continute to pray for my strenght...its hard, bc i love him...but i think i feel better....FREE and STRONG!!!
Way to go argghhh!!
You know...I don't think you LOVE him...you loved who he CLAIMED to be, not who he ACTUALLY is :)
What will you do if he keeps coming back ? if he saus he really will leave his wife?
ok im 18 years of age and i start messing with this married man at 16 on top of that we grew up togethere. But now we are togethere he left his wife for me and i stay with him. I sometimes feel like i have evil on my heart when we were creeping it felt so good but now its so different but don't get me wrong am still in love its just i need advice to help me and he is 25. i put up with drama through the beginning we had a fight and she press charges against me
Charity...your right!!!! Thats is what is giving me my strength. At the point and time we were basically living together during thier 9 month seperation...YES, I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM...I loved him more then I have ever loved any man. But as you said, 6 months of living a lie, I finally realized that my feelings slowly did disepate. I do still love what we had but I was not in love with the new realization of his situation. It wears very old. Honestly, I did not simply left him...I thought about keeping him around. I told him that if he wanted to continue our relationship, I needed the freedom to date other people. He said that he could not bear that. We were unable to come to an agreement and well, decided that it was best off to stop seeing each other. He has showed up at my house expecting me to give in...as I have a few times in the past. But I did not and e left near tears. He has texted me sweet notes in which I replied that I need I do indeed miss him but I need to put myself first bc I do not want to be be 40 years old and his mistress ( I am now 26). Its still not easy but I am hopeing time will subside the feelings...Im sure it will. I think I am truely happy with my descision...still been on nothing but bad dates ... but as I said, I did not get yelled at for accidentally leaving a smudge of makeup on his shirts collar...My friends have also been soooo supportive, going to dinners, theater, shopping, spa days...they have even spent evening at my house just to help keep my mind off of the situation...i could not have done it without them. Girls, I know you love your MM but we love ourselves MORE!!!!!...We all need to be strong and take a stand for what we deserve!!!!!
Also, if he came back and said he left his wife for me....it would be tough, very tough BUT I KNOW that would never happen. BUT ...a long far strecthed BUT....i would still probably stay away. From the moment he started cheating on her, I knew this was not a mna that I could trust or more importantly, respect. It just took me awhile to realize that What we had during thier seperation COULD NEVER AGAIN EXSIST!!!! I would always think that hes cheating on me and I would not want to live a life of that agony...Intially he was on a pedestal in whic I looked up to him and saw him as my equal...he is no longer on that pedestal...with each lie to her (and prob to me) it came crashing down...I am a good person who had made a bad decsion...bad desicions is a characteristic of him....He is far from my equal....so agian, I truely do not see myself pursuing a relationship with this man...regardless of his situation
I dont understand why it is so difficult for mm to leave his wife of 28 years if he truly loves his mistress. are possessions so important ?
I'm new to all of this, never thought it could/would happen to me (classic mistake). After a 33 year relationship (28 married), I discovered my husband was cheating. Our relationship had been hurting since the year 2000. Due to deaths in my husband's immediate family, he had changed tremendously and had basically blocked me out of his life. Then, a couple of years ago, he became physically violent towards me. We were on our way to a party for one of his family members and he asked me if I was cheating on him. I said "no, are you? To which he replied "yes, one of us needs to be honest!" I asked him to stop the car so I could get out (we were on an expressway) & he wouldn't. Once we arrived at our destination, he went into the back of the house and I told a member of his family I was going to the store. I caught the bus home. When he arrived home, he stated I had embarrassed him in front of his family, picked me up off the couch and threw me against the wall. Once I fell on the floor, he fell on my chest with his knees and began choking me because I had embarassed him in front of his family.
I had known for sometime something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. He accused me of cheating on him w/my boss. Told me I was fucking him in the hallway at work, etc. (Which is what he probably was doing.) He had gotten a cell phone and promised me that he would add me to his account. I asked him if I could use his cell phone as I have a poor sense of direction and was taking my mother to visit a dying friend. He told me no - that sent bells SCREAMING in my head. Three years later, I got my own cell phone. One weekend he took my cell phone and went through all of the messages. It didn't bother me as I had nothing to hide. I waited a month before going through his cell phone. There were 14 messages on it from his paramour. She, not him, told me about the affair. Even after I confronted him, he denied it for 8 months.
She had phoned him from her cell phone and home phone, I used this information and found out her name and address. I called the operator at his job and asked for her, that's right, she's a co-worker. My best friend also works with him (she knew nothing about the affair.) I had made arrangements to visit her at her job on a vacation day. He somehow found out and arrived late at work. I didn't get the chance to see her (the paramour) as she became frightened and reported to security that I was "threatening her" and my best friend (who is the innocent) was written up for this. My best friend & I have not spoken for over a year. I feel like I have lost everything and he has lost nothing. He still works at the same place, only now the tables have turned, he is "convinced" I am having an affair. I told him that unlike him, I will let him know when it begins. I also let him know that right now, I am unhappy and don't see much prospect of being happy with him anytime in the near future.
I don't know if when you are cheating if you are aware of the agonizing pain, humiliation and anguish it causes the wife. Can you imagine having to go to your primary care physician and tell her you need an AIDS and other STD tests? She's been my doctor for 10 years!
Let me share for a moment what I've gone through. My D-Day (discovery day) was 10/20/06 (Sweetest Day). He never gave me anything as he said this was a "Hallmark day." I have hazel green eyes, 36 - 26 - 40 figure, 5 feet 4 inches tall and once weighed 140 comfortable pounds. 3 months later, I weighed 100. I couldn't sleep, eat or think straight. I cried every night for months. It is not the lovemaking that is so painful, it is the way the wife is treated which hurts SOOOO much. Of course the affair is good. You don't have to live with this person on a daily basis. You are on your best behavior trying to steal him. Just wait, your time will come!
I think about having to catch the bus or walk to go see my mother (she's in a nursing home approx 1 mile away) when he told me I couldn't use the car as he had to work. I think about all the times I had to go grocery shopping on the bus in zero degree weather because once again he had to work (I bring my mom to my house every Sunday for "Sunday dinner." ) I recall all the times he choked me until I nearly passed out because I had come home late. I also visit my mother twice during the week. Did you (Ms. Mistress) not notice the pattern he only called you when I was visiting my elderly mom? Can you for one second imagine how I felt finding out of this out? Does this make the mistresses feel better, knowing how some men treat their wives while the affair is going on?
One of my siblings passed recently to cancer at home on hospice care. I had to call him on the phone and beg him to come and go visit them with me. His question was "for what?" When we got there, he took one look at my sibling and said "they don't look so good!" This was 4 hours before my sibling passed. I later found his cell phone bill and noted that when I called him to come over, he had already been on the phone with you, Ms. Mistress, for 3 hours and didn't find it "appropriate" to be with me when I needed him the most.
Our eldest is getting married soon. I told them sex is wonderful but it is what occurs outside the bed that will eventually have the most lasting impression. I told them to take a look at their future spouse. Is this the person you want holding your hand when I am dead and you are at the cemetery watching my body being lowered into the grave?
My husband requires surgery which will will have him off work for approx. 1 year. We had made the decision to see if this "marriage" could be salvaged. It has been over a year, yet I feel no better. I have decided that as soon as he had healed, I just want out. He can have the house and there's no need for alimony as I am self-sufficient.
I can't shake out of my head his last words about the affair to me "The only thing that woman is guilty of is wanting to love me. I hurt from this every time I think about it. He refuses to discuss his affair with me any longer and complains there is no privacy. I always thought we would have a good marriage as he came from a 2-parent home & I am from a single mother home. I thought he would know more about the making of a family than I. What a joke!
Our adult children also know about the affair. The youngest told him that he was the only male (has 9 blood uncles) who had earned respect as never having cheated. Further, "no matter what was or was not happening between the 2 of you, if you were that unhappy, you should have left. You don't open another door before you close the previous one."
For a while, I dressed "slutty," as I was unsure of my desireability for 1 year. I never showed cleavage or would wear form fitting clothing, per his request. Finding out about the affair sent my self-esteem to the pits of hell. Men of all ages and races would (and always have) tried to start conversations with me. The only thing that went through my mind was are they cheating too.
I now doubt my entire relationship with him. I believe that this isn't the first time he cheated, just the first time he got caught.
This woman knew my husband was married, one of our children even did an internship at their job. Do all mistresses lack principles, morals and/or a religious background. When God created the 10 commandments, he must have known the devastation adultery would cause as he made it #7 (7 is the sign of completion).
I don't believe I love him anymore - not sure if I even like him. I know that as soon as he is well and back on his feet, I am leaving. My problem is he has destroyed my faith in all men. I don't want to ever get married again - the mistress thing - heck no. My life, my world, my home, my prospective on men have all been devastated by this affair.
Also, to set the record straight. Just as you mistress are only hearing one side of the story about us, you don't know what we do to him once we found out about the affair. In my husband's case, when I confronted him, first but he trie
hurting wife - my thoughts are with you. Good luck to you in all you do, you deserve to find happiness. Thanks so much for sharing your very articulate and moving story with the other commentors here.
Thanks Veronica. For well over a year, I have been going to different "other woman" websites. Trying to get some understanding as to what kind of person/people these women are that knowingly hurt so many other woman. The theme in all of them appears to be the same. "We're not the one who hurt you, who made a promise to you, etc. Yes, but you are the one who fornicated with my husband and helped him commit adultery. Masturbation is not adultery. You are the Eve's apple in our lives. You knew he was married and yet you distanced yourself by saying you don't know me, etc. You don't know me but you know "of me." Does the golden rule apply to anyone anymore - do unto others as you would have other do unto you!
I am the married version of you. When I made my commitment in my marriage vows in church, I knew it was a 3 person commitment, husband, wife and God. I was serious. I didn't want our children to have to look outside of our home for a positive male role model. If sons marry women like their mothers but emulate their fathers and daughters marry men like their fathers but emulate their moms can you see the domino effect your illicit liasion has caused? It is now a generational thing.
My earlier post cut off. I want to let all mistress know the following. When I first found out about the affair, he tried to choke me. I was walking down the stairs and something (perhaps Tina Turner's spirit) came over me. I walked back into the bedroom, picked up the hammer and started beating the shit out of him everywhere I could. If our youngest wasn't home, I would have been featured on the series "Snapped."
It's not that we don't get them, they LIVE WITH US, we can get them anytime. But as for the mistresses who try to be disrespectful to the wives, be careful. We are emotional human beings by nature. At that point, you have devastated the fundamental principles of our lives. It has nothing to do with being afraid of the husband, but more about being made a fool of by the both of you. Yes, it does take two to tango. But for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction!
I am very sorry for what you are/have been going through. I told the wife about the affair, too, and gave the MM EVERY opportunity to do it himself, but I knew it had to end and decided, this would do it!! You have to understand that these "husbands" are GOOD LIARS. They convince us that everything is AWFUL at home, they are going to leave, they make promises to us, etc. We are not BAD people. Yes...I had guilt because I KNew he was married, tried to end it MANY times and he kept LURING me back. I finally realized, he is lying to me, too, and I think there are others. I s/w the wife, and I'm sure she will stay. They have NO kids together, but she says she loves him...well...perhaps they deserve each other.
Again..I am very sorry for you, but as a mistress who fell in love with a person that claimed to be a different person than who he actually was, I am not a bad person - I made a BAD decision. I thought the wife had a RIGHT to know the truth because I know how GOOD her husband is at lying and he was making her feel like she was paranoid and crazy - I wanted to assure her that she is NOT crazy.
Good luck.
Hurting Wife -
Thanks for adding the rest of your comment. It is a very valid point.
You said you were checking out "the other woman" websites. One thing I want to make clear is that this is not one of them. If you read my HUB, it was in response to a question I got from a reader that is having an affair. I was very clearly against the affair. My advice to her, which she asked for, was to stop the affair and re-find her self respect. I believe she is guilty, as is the husband. And I beat the shit out of him, for all his lying, disrespect and bullshit. Do not confuse this thread with the other sites you may have visited.
For the record, I have never ever had sex with a married man. I mean other than my own husband of course ;) I grew up in a home where my father had affairs on my mother. It was a horrific way to live. It damaged my ability to trust, and fucked up my ability to have relationships until I met my wonderful husband. Every one of my father's mistresses thought she were the "one" and just had to come to our house to tell my mother. The first few affairs he had were the hardest. Before he died, I'd have to say there were at least two dozen that I know of. Many of them overlapped. At one point he had 5 different girlfriends, all in different cities. My mother was treated like garbage by my father. My father was a selfish man, incapable of loving anyone, but very good at deception. We moved so many times over this. As a kid growing up in that kind of a dishonest disrespectful household, I have developed strong feelings about affairs and I relayed them clearly in my article.
Hurting Wife, I see that many of the comments here are from "the other women". Some of these women are confused, some are hurting, some are inexperienced with life, some have been deceived, and some are beautiful lonely people that are trying to get out of bad situations. I am glad to host the conversations they've had. I wish them all the best, and I am happy for the opportunity to read their comments and learn from them.
For the most part, I approve all comments. The only ones I decline are spam, or the truly hateful or judgmental ones. (Trust me, you don't want to see those. They are awful.) I want all to feel welcome here.
I also want to say it has hurt my feelings how many thumbs down this article got. I know I wrote a good piece, but I guess the subject matter is such that people can't help but lash out. It has hurt my feelings so much that I have stayed out of the conversation on here for the most part, other than when I am asked a direct question, or to try to help people with links. I also stopped writing HUBS because of it and a few aggressive hubbers.
So, to the comment, "where is Veronica", that's where.
I hope you will all continue to communicate here. Listen, express yourselves. Grow.
Veronica,
Please don't abandon this board/hub. This is an emotional topic which naturally gets to the root of one's soul. I didn't mean that this board was dedicated to the mistresses, but it is the only board I felt comfortable joining as it does allow for both sides of the coin (hopefully, respectfully).
I have experienced emotions I can't even name. I will not call anyone a whore, etc. But I just want some of the current and/or future mistresses to know the other side of the story - from the wife. Yes, knowing he had sex with someone else is devastating. But the treatment of the wife during this time frame, at least in my case, is what is holding my soul and growth hostage.
I do have a question, if you have a daughter, is this the type of relationship you want for her? How do you explain it to either (son or daughter) children. Do you want your son to think that it is okay to have an affair (mommy's doing it) and have this distorted view of marriage? Do you daughters just say "a man is just being a man?"
As Veronia said, she grew up in a home where this was prevalent. I know as a kid I was a tomboy. I would climb in trees and just watch the neighborhood adults. I can not tell you how many times I saw next door neighbors cheating, being dropped off on the opposite corners of their homes by their next door neighbors husbands, etc. Children actually do learn what they live. Even if you don't have children, you better believe that what you are doing with this married man is being seen by someone for whom it will impact them for the remainder of their lives!
After seeing this, I didn't have the "wedding" dream as a child growing up. Furthermore, when my husband & I began contemplating a life together, I told him I was not interested in marriage and even offered to just live with him. He assured me that he wasn't like that. He had family members to whom this had happened and seen personally the harm it had caused and would never do this to me.
Yet, here I am hurting, angry, full or rage all entirely directed towards him.
If you are in this type of relationship, get out. Pick up your self-esteem, your foundation that your parents and/or church provided for you. This "affair" is based on lies and secrecy (darkness); allow yourselves to come to the light so your spirits may soar and grow. All living things need sunlight in order to grow. Even plants which are started in darkness and later given light never really reach their full potential. Don't let this happen to you. Don't hurt anyone else!
Thanks, I won't abandon it. I'm glad you felt it was a place all sides could be heard, that is what I had hoped.
hello- a couple nights ago, i met a married man while out at a bar- i never intended for it to go anywhere, but we ended up sleeping together. i told him i wouldn't call him because i wanted to respect his situation. he called me a day later- and we both felt a huge chemistry- in just a few hours i was excited and ready to cheat with him somemore- he supposidly had not cheated the 5 years he had been with his wife- can't trust that one- right?anyway- the reason why i am writing is- this was the first time i was unfaithful in someway- and i already began to fantisize- he said he was unhappy in his mariage- and that she was depressed etc.just today, i kept thinking of him, i texted him, and he had decided to stop our situation before further damage- it is a good thing for me to learn this lesson.i don't want to create a situation that will create so much damage and pain- i should be grateful that he pushed me away, as i would have fallen into a bad trap. it waws helpful to read these posts to make sure i don't do this ever! he just texted me- and although i am a little hurt- i know it is saving me a lot more pain and ba karma. i hope i can be forgiven in karma- but that i won't attract this situation to myself-it is bad all around- and i am dissipointed in myself for cheating with a married man, even if it was once- once was more than enough- thank you for letting me vent, i feel better- and it helps with the void i had after we texted. thank you-
Is this real in your life or some film story or article in magazine
this is real in my life
The biggest problem with the marriage/affair conundrum is the desire to control love.
I love all 3 of my children
I love both of my parents
I even love several of my male friends
Why is it then so unacceptable to love more than one women (ie my wife and 1 or 2 other people)
There is a very strong desire (in women especially) to tie up love with sex, house, money, future, children, emotional fulfilment and spednign the rest of your life together.
Most of the posts her show how not being able to compute loving 2 or more people simultaneously is the route of the anxiety of most of the women who are writing on here. I beleive this is because it is impossible to live in 2 places at the same time, a man can genuinely say to a woman he is havinbg an affair with that he loves her and that he is in love with her..... but his love for his wife and/or children can run deeper still and therefore he may nt eber leave them to be with her.
But this does not mean that hw does not love her, just that he has accepted that his life is compromised and that the stability of his children and wife is more important than his desire to be with another woman while fighting his own feelings of guilt and betrayal towards his family.
For those of us who are lucky enough to have truly fallen in love more than once, you know that love is uncontrollable, that it is not about nest building and social justificaion through marriage. Love in it's truest form is just about feeling and it is the greatest gift that life can bring us, whatever our social circumstances.
In all the discussions of long term happiness on here lease do not lose sight of the brilliant gift of true romatic love as well as the gift that comes from a long and committed marriage
I just wanted to add to my comments above that married men who have affairs with women and tell them that they will leave their wife when they have no intention of doing so. Or who don't even tell the woman that they are married
ARE LIEING BASTARDS
This is truly a great article. I especially liked how it focused in on the real problem, which is the lying. If a guy isn't happy, he should grow some balls and be honest about it and leave. And there is no shame in someone's not being monogamous, or not wanting to be with just one person. The shame is in the deceit and the lying. Those guys are guilty of a lot more than infidelity. They are manipulators and cowards.
The guy may have every reason in the world to not want to be with his wife anymore. If she rejcts him, or whatever, he may be totally justified to not want to be with her. But trying to make it sound like it was her fault that he decided to lie and cheat and sneak around is just bullshit. It's cowardice. Be a man and do the hard thing and end the relationship with some dignity and respect. Be an example to your kids. If you divorce your wife you aren't walking out on your kids, you can still be a wonderful father. Staying in a bad marriage and justifying your affair that way is just pathetic. Your kids are not going to benefit from you claiming you stayed in the marriage for them, made everyone miserable, and had affairs. No kid in that situation grows up and says "thank god my father didn't divorce my mother, but instead decided to stay and make her look like an asshole by having affairs. he taught me how to live a lie. isn't that great?"
Mmmmm Nice Guy, you are my kinda guy!! Where were you when I wanted to get married ?? ;)
Reading this has really brought some light to what i'm going through.I'm too with a married guy who is 37.i'm sixteen years old.I'm around this guy all the time because of school.I have read all the comments about being the whore homewrecker and all that but sometimes its not always the "side chicks" fault.I have talk to this guy about where his marriage is going i have asked him if he wanted to reconcile with his wife and i told him that i would totally support whatever he chooses to do.Him and I recently went out for the first time and we ended up kissing.though is wasnt long or anything a part of me felt like i was doing something wrong.He actually didnt want to move that fast but i couldnt resist just having at least one kiss.there is so much risk we are taking and he realizes it.at times he says he doesnt deserve me that i deserve so much more than he can give.This guy is very intelligent and i want the best for both of us but ignoring me feelings for him wont make things better.he tells me he tries to avoid me at times and i do the same but running away wont make things better because no matter what we have to be around eachother in school.i do think about his wife all the time and his children.i dont want to ruin my relationship with his kids over this and i just need some advice.
Having to be loved and be loved is a not good situation, but if this happen one need to look into thier hearts and find the real thing that they want in live.
Hi Veronica
I am slightly confused by you, you preach honesty and communication and yet you also chose not to post two, non abusive, comments on here that i put forward recently. If you really belive in honesty and communication then you have to accept everyone's honesty.
My main point was to disagree with Nice Guy.
In a non abusive relationship I think it takes more balls to stay with your children and wife/hausband, even if you are not happy and even if you are having an affair some of the time. Than it does to follow your own current desires and leave your family for your other woman/man.
It takes balls just to dig in and take it like a grown up, all of the complications, all of the compromises, for the good of your children. As history has proved time and time again, once you have had the first divorce, the second follows much more easily, there is no way I would ever leave my kids or my wife, for a second divorce.
Jon,
I haven't denied any posts of yours. I have one blank one which I thought was just a typo, so I denied it. I posted it for you now so you can see it. (It's 2 weeks ago so scroll up) We can' change or alter comments in any way.
If you'd like to try to leave your missing comments again, I will post them.
Hi Veronica
Ok no problems. I guess that one got lost somewhere in Cyberhell (probably just as well although I can't remember what I said now in any case, so it can't have been that important)
Thanks for clearing this up.
I am in tears after reading what other people have gone through and realize now more than ever that I need my life back. I havebeen seeing someone who is married for the past 3 years and despite the amount of love I have for him- I see that I am the fool for believing that he would one day be mine. I provided excuses for him...that he just did not have the courage to leave her...that perhaps if I worked harder at making him happy he would realize that he loved me....but now I see this is a direct road to nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.
I had a VERY difficult time when I sent the wife emails, but...I must tell you, I DO have my life back and if you can SWEAT IT OUT and not let him LURE you back...you will be MUCH, MUCH happier and find that you allow yourself to make more plans and do more things. I am SOO much happier (even 6 weeks later) and realize that my life was more stressful and unhappier WITH the MM.
Good Luck, Julia. You need to walk away and if you think you are too weak to do it yourself (because I could not), I had to do something DRASTIC, i.e., send emails, but...it worked. He is no longer in contact NOR am I!
As I posted before, I fell hard for this charismatic and sweet man who told me he was "getting a divorce". He wore NO ring and flirted with me every day a LOT. When he told me he was getting a divorce I thought he meant it, as in the paperwork was filed. After 3 months of him calling me from a blocked number and NOT EVEN GIVING ME HIS PHONE NUMBER, I finally started to get the picture. I swear I sound stupid don't I ? I told him in the beginning that I didn't like the secret aspect of our relationship. he kept saying he just wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized before being really open about our relationship..bla bla bla. He also said his wife is depressed, she said she no longer loves him, they are not sleeping together....but now I question EVERYthing. Well two days before new year's eve I told him to leave me alone, that I did not want to be his secret and that I wanted a man who is 100% mine and that it is too hard for me to live like this. I tried this twice before but he never stopped calling and we ended up back together both times. Well THIS TIME he actually stopped calling me altogether and I spent New Year's eve crying my eyes out and I am still really depressed. I know what I want out of life ( a healthy, monogamous, long term relationship) it is just the wait that is killing me. I know it would be easy to call him at work and get back together with him. But I know I need to do the hard thing-stay away. ANy men out here reading this, it is cruel and mean to flirt and lie to women. a "Side Chick" doesn't become a side chick because she wants to, but because some married man LIED to her and made her believe she was the _ONE_. Once the side chick finds out she is the side and not the ONE, she is led to believe she could one day BE the one. This is really manipulative and wrong. MARRIED men-Think twice before you flirt, it is really insincere and causes us women lots of PAIN
It is so interesting how ALL these men say and do the EXACT SAME THINGS!! My MM said, too, that he was filing papers, they were not sleeping together, she was depressed, "you have no clue what it is like"....OMG! Trust me...they are lying to YOU just as much (if not more) than they are lying to the wife. Hard to hear, but it is the TRUTH! They are ALL insecure, cowardice individuals (I certainly cannot call them MEN!) Just be happy that we can DUMP them and someone else has to clean their UNDERWEAR because put yourself in the wife's shoes - glad I am not HER!!
Well hello all!!!!!! I had the uncontrollable urge to check up on this website today...Im not quite sure why though. I am still single and it has almost been an entire month without speaking to my MM. I am amazed by my strength...actually embraced by it!!!! Though there are times that I really miss him, I am completly happy with my decision. I have trhown all of our memorablia away. He is no longer the first thing i think about in the morn. I no longer wake up in the middle of te night throuwing up out of pure guilt and fustration. I do not know how i lived a life of that caliber for so long. I am now free and happy!!!!! I geuss I keep comini
Well hello all!!!!!! I had the uncontrollable urge to check up on this website today...Im not quite sure why though. I am still single and it has almost been an entire month without speaking to my MM. I am amazed by my strength...actually embraced by it!!!! Though there are times that I really miss him, I am completly happy with my decision. I have trhown all of our memorablia away. He is no longer the first thing i think about in the morn. I no longer wake up in the middle of te night throuwing up out of pure guilt and fustration. I do not know how i lived a life of that caliber for so long. I am now free and happy!!!!! I geuss I keep comining
ooppsss...got cut off...
I geuss i keep coming to this forum because I know I couldnt have done it without all of your help and feel, almost oligated, to help those with similar situations. I want to thank HURTWIFE for her posts. I always knew what I was doing was hurting someone but never realized just how much (the MM's are great liars) your posts just really gave me te courage to stay away in a moments of weakness...i never meant to hurt anyone, I apologize on behalf of his mistress...Im sure she didnt know exactly what she was doing either, Regardless, I am free of this drama and hope the same to all of you on this site!
PS: I have actually had some GOOD, I mean GREAT dates (with single men) since parting with my MM...life is sweet!!!!! Thank all of you for your incredible support and best of luck to you all...
Isabella's comment at the top of the thread sums things up nicely (also applies to men chasing married women!)
Lori
To Julz et al...
You know, its so strange.. my situation is like yours.. a man twice our age... but reading your post, i just want to scream... it seems absolutely ridiculuously obvious to me that he's using you and manipulating you because, basically, he can.. and you're a young girl.. Yet just can't apply this myself...
Another comment that was made... "do any of you believe in Jesus" well yes, i do.. And yes, suffering with a conscience. After the first tme that I kissed my MM, at 17 yrs of age, i was racked with sheer guilt... i didnt talk to my mum or dad for a week.. i never understood why i had that reaction... i still dont, but i think it was anger...i was angry with myself yet couldnt stop thinking about him - actually i think it was more annoyance that i wasnt his wife and another woman, who couldnt possibly feel the way i did about him, was bearing his children and spnding his money .... Now, three and a bit years later... i feel no guilt... i enjoy it, i love it and want it...
Please,please please, I need your advice, to get out of this, i stopped praying about it because i felt like such a hypocritical fool... Praying for strength to help get out of an affair... finding it... for a while... then bloody seeing him again and im back at square one... I have done this so many times...
VERONICA- how do i get over this? As much as i read over all your posts...and appreciate what wankers these men are, its just not something that works so easy.....I feel ashamed in some ways that i have to depend on the advice of another person to tell me what i already know..
And by the way, its a fantastic site.. anti or pro affairs... it gives people a chance to talk.. Being a girl from Briatin, its nice to hear the "Yankee" train of thought.
HEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEE x x x x x
Naive-
Just do it. New doors can't open until you close this one. Just STOP. Stop calling him, stop taking his calls. Just end it. Seek a therapist if you have to. If he won't back off, tell his wife. End this. You have the power.
I made the mistake of seeing a married man. We were friends for awhile and I felt sorry for the situation he was in.
He seemed like such a nice guy. He worked two jobs because she ran up the credit cards, and was very high maintenance. She didn't like the music he liked, or the clothes he wore, etc. It was as if now that he had created the lifestye she wanted, he was no longer good enough for her.
Sexually, he had only been allowed "missionary position", but not even that for several years. She told him she wasn't attracted to him anymore and really didn't care for sex.
After 5 months, he actually told her he wanted a divorce. So, she had his grown sons call him, called his mom and told her, and got all his friends ( and most importantly, their WIVES ) involved. He stupidly told her about me, and she got my boss involved, and called to tell me to stay away from him.
He was getting stressed. He said he just didn't want to hurt anyone, and didn't know what to do. Either way, someone was going to get hurt. Didn't know what to do????? Suddenly, I'm supposed to be in competition with HER? I won't "beg" for anyone, you either love me or you don't.
I thought about this---real hard. I had already lost respect for him, for being able to cheat so easily for 5 months. If he could do this to his high school sweetheart, after 26 years of marriage, what kind of a chance did I have? Who's shoulder would he be crying on about me? So, I broke it off.
As for the wife---yes, she IS pitiful. She only wants him there for the paychecks. She doesn't love him and will always think she could have done better. But if they split up, in order to maintain her lifestyle she might just have to have sex with someone.
Personally, if someone cheated on ME, they can hit the damn road. "She must have 0 self respect to beg a man to stay with her. I don't feel sorry for either one of them. I know I deserve better than this. And, "I" should have had the self respect to not get started with him in the first place. Lesson: LEARNED.
I'd like to respond to comments made by "Charity." I have been on both sides of the fence, and I would STRONGLY caution anyone to send emails or alert the spouse as to what's been going on. You know that saying that "women are crazy, and men are stupid?" Charity, you were lucky, plain and simple. But anyone who decides to get revenge or be vindictive by emailing or telling the wife is asking for it. You have no idea how someone, especially a spouse that's been cheated on, is going to react.
What goes on between a MM and his wife is their business, not yours, period. You have no right to interfere just to cleanse your wound. If you made a decision to enter an affair, that's your business, and you better be ready to be responsible and accountable for that. No matter what the MM tells your or promises you, it takes two, and you helped create that "reality." Telling the spouse is just asking for trouble, and putting yourself at risk.
There's only three types of business in the universe; yours, someone else's, and God's (or whatever higher faith you believe in.) To think that you know what's best for anyone else is out of your business. Mind your own business and stay out of other's. Be responsible for solving your own problems.
I have been seeing a married man on and off now for 2 year..I was in a relationship when we met, for me i needed something more, my relationship was failing and shortly after we met it finished of its own accord nothing to do with the married man . We met at work, we talk regularly and see each other occassionlly. I have not met anyone else since.. and I feel that my feeling for this married man are stopping me, I always compare others to him. He is not unhappy with his marriage, he has recently had his first child and appears to adore them both. He does not want to change his life. But I want a life like his.. I want to be in his wifes shoes, I want him, I want the family life he has with his wife and daughter. I know I am being unrealistic and he will never leave her but we need to break the bond we have - there is some connection. But now two years on I am falling for him, miss him after he leave, leaves me feeling deflated and wanting him. I know I deserve more and should get out of this hald heated relationship but letting go is the hardest part, I cant imaine him not being in my life at all but I am going to have to. I am only 27 he is 28. Any advice welcome.
Charlie: You've just described to me, the situation that I am in with My MM.. We have an undoubted connection, yet he has the perfect life and obviously adores it and does not want to leave it. With it, comes the nice house, nice car, perfect family image, and the perfect social life. I'm only realising that people like you and I, allow him to have this life, or rather to keep living it happily. We are the little distraction that allows him to still have an ego, although with wife and child.. In the end, men feel entitled maybe to us.. Men will try to get awa with anything they can! I've been in a room with my MM, with his children in the room to our left and the wife to the right.. They chance their luck.. What man would risk this?? He can't be seriously be happy can he? I'm still trying to understand it without over analysing, as women do, but its so hard.
And yes there is a connection, I've come to realise that this connection is just physical - yes, he fancies you, yes, there is an undeniable chemistry, but obviously where this is enough for us and it satisfies us, it's not enough for him..Is it? He's just got his cake an eating it!! When i sa its just physical, its obviousl not for us..but maybe for him? Or maybe its just the kids that keep them there?
Just take it on board and be aware of it.. he's not going to leave his wfe for you, ever.. You don't have his kids, he's settled in his wa. Men are too lazy to start over a fresh life with another woman, and don't like the judgement that comes with it..
Goodluuck...
This is definetly a good place to come for advice.The married man that i thought loved me ending up saying he wanted work things out with his wife because as he was leaving her for good she said she wanted him back.what was i suppose to do say no ?but anyways its been a couple of weeks since we talked and at times i get the urge to call him but i no i will get hurt.This guy i trusted a teacher of mine took advantage of me.He used me and i was so caught up i didnt notice.
In response to Mtn Goddess - I held on to an envelope with 5 or 6 emails for QUITE some time. I knew enough about the wife and knew she really would not go "postal", however, I probably should have let sleeping dogs lie.
These MM are selfish and we women who are with them are typically NOT SELFISH ENOUGH. I wanted/needed to do what I did for ME and to get on with my life. True...I went in KNOWING he was married, but I NEVER asked for the promises he made and YES>..I believed them for a while. I still believe there is something, but Charlie's Angel hit the nail on the head. Men DO NOT want to start over fresh - they are content with just about ANY situation. During our relationship my MM and I were discussing HIS MARRIAGE for the umpteenth time and he said something to me that was SOO true and it NEVER left my mind. He said: "Having you allows me to stay happy in my unfortunate situation" Well...how TRUE is that??? I was basically allowing him to be HAPPIER than EVER - why should he leave???? No reason - I finally had to make the move.
The sickness with me....is there is still a "SHRED" of hope that he may be so miserable and leave, but even if he DID do that, why would I want him?? So he can do it to me? Whoever is on the VERGE of an affair with a married men, my advice is summed up in ONE WORD.....RUN!
I dont understand the stupid women who blame the women for messin up thier supposedly happy families, if it was happy ya man wouldnt be cheating. im sorry but he took those vows to u, not the other women, blame him. I dont owe no other bitch an explanation as to why im messing with their man, ask them. i personally mess with married men because for one i can, and for two i know men aint shit and the sooner nieve women realize that the better off they will be, and for three i have no interest in being in a relationship rite now and as long as i know he got a women the feeling is mutual. men cheat, get over it.
I haven't read the comments for awhile. This site is a great place to listen and be heard. I left my MM 8 months ago. It's their own job to fix their marriage problems, not our job to keep them happy on the side. Do not waste any time waiting on a partner that is married. Walk away.
I've been seeing a married man for almost a year now. From the beginning he told me he was seperated. We both worked at the same place, but he is a contractor and I am a temp worker. Before it started, I was still in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time. Me and the boyfriend were having alot of problems, so about the time me and the MM were somewhat getting serious, I broke it off with the boyfriend and me and the MM started to exclusively see each other. He knew of the problems me and the boyfriend were having before he started seeing me. Well, about 1 month into our relationship he wanted me to live with him. I was practically homeless at the time and living with a friend of mine named Jon, the ex and me were living there for about the last 6 months. Well, we moved in together, same state, same general area note: I took over the lease from an acquantence of his, not the MM, but he did help me pay half the rent. We lived there for about 4 months and then moved to another state, another area, but ended up staying at the Intown Suites for 6 months. About a month after we moved there, we got caught up in some sort of domestic violence bs and it's still pending resolution to this day. But I was occasionally asking him when we were ever going to move out of the hotel into our own place and the answer was always soon, around the holidays, after christmas, etc., and then he'd complain that the relationship go nowhere like that, me being sad, mad, upset all the time. And to make more stress, I found out I was pregnant actually before the domestic violence incident, so now we had two issues to deal with. I was trying to remain patient and understanding, but it was difficult. He finally told me he couldn't get us into a place right now because of his two other kids (support), 10 and 13 and he has too many bills to pay right now, hasn't paid his lawyer in the domestic violence case yet, but said in about a year or two his financial situation should clear up. Well, he told me before I left to go home for the holidays, out of state, he would work on his divorce after Christmas and I would be back with him in about 2 weeks. It never happened. I'm still here and about to have a baby boy in about 2 weeks. One day about a month ago, he just stopped calling me, then a couple of days later, his wife called my family's home. I tried and tried to call the MM and he never picked up, just kept leaving messages. Then couple days ago, I left message and he called me back, asking about the baby, he told me he's stuck between his wife/family and me/baby. I didn't think there was a choice. I thought he was already seperated. His wife told me she didn't care about him no more and that he'd done it to her at least a dozen times before. I told her I was pregnant with her husbands child, also. I don't know what to do...should I break away and just concentrate on me and the baby and the MM just be involved w/ baby and financial support and he try and fix his marriage or should I wait it out and see what happens, what decision he comes to???
MY STORY:This man is 57 years old and has no kids. His partner didn't want any. She has a dog, which he has shown to have the most affection for.This man first appoached me with a note (he slipped it to me at work....September 2006), wanting to know if it was possible for us to get to know each other. He wanted to know if I could give him a phone number so we could talk. He wrote his first letter to me before we even starting really talking to each other. He told me that he was ATTRACTED to me from the first time he saw me. Keep in mind, now, his Common-law partner was still living with him and still is. In this letter he told me that he HAS NOT felt SO STRONGLY towards someone in MANY YEARS; that I am the MOST GEORGEOUS PERSON; that he THINKS OF ME OFTEN, and that he looks forward to seeing me IF ONLY BY CHANCE. He made me believe that he was single. I went out with him once before I found out the truth. I was suspicious about a few things, so I called him on it; this was just before Christmas of last year. He was reluctant to tell me, as he said if he did he would never see me again. In his mind, he believed that his situation would somehow get resolved before he even had to tell me anything. I listened to what he had to say, and this is how he described everything.According to him, he and his common-law partner were going their separate ways in September of last year....she was getting an apartment in the city....he thought he was safe to approach me....when her mother found out, she said, "If you leave my daughter, I will see you in the poor house." So her daughter stayed put in his home. According to him, they have SEPARATE ROOMS; they DO NOT SLEEP TOGETHER. He still tried to make me believe that it was over, there was no reason why we couldn't go out together. I would not go out in public with him....But over the past year, though, I still spent time with him in the building that we both worked in. We did get REALLY close (emotionally & physically), but we DID NOT sleep together. Around March of this year, he saw the stress that I was under in regards to the "Situation" he was dealing with and felt it best if we keep a low profile (as too many people were finding out and couldn't risk her finding out, especially where he is SO financially stuck and trying to get out without losing too much) and stay away from each other. He said it was best for me, as I was also under stress in dealing with my family's objections with trying to sneak around and see him. Just after a week of us both deciding it was for the best, he was waiting for me (he works in the same building; he is NOT a Co-worker) to find out how I was doing as he was concerned about me. He told me that he loves me and to still call him. He also told me to remember what he wrote me in the letters and cards, where he included poems; which he wrote himself. When I was leaving, I said I will talk to you soon. He said, "I Hope So." ADDED INFORMATION:This man that I have been referring to is 56 Years Old. He is married Common-Law and they have NO KIDS. The house is in his name, and the phone is in her name. According to him, he is Married....technically/sort of. Common-law rules and regulations (in Canada) state that they are Married. When I referred to her as his wife one day, he said, "Why are you calling her that"? To him he saw her as his GIRLFRIEND.I am now 44 Years Old, and I know I should have known better. But as I said, he did a really good job in making me feel beautiful and special. He COULD NOT understand how I wasn't taken over and over again. He was SURPRISED that I was still SINGLE. He told me that his relationship with her was over, and that he really wasn't looking for another relationship; but that he really wanted to get to know me; and that he was ATTRACTED to me from the first time he saw me. According to him, he didn't approach me until he thought it was safe and that she was out of his life. He was SURPRISED that I even bothered with him. He was very sweet, gentle, and romantic.I used to see this man eyeing me for months before he approached me. He waited until he thought he was safe and she was out of his life. But he approached me too prematurely, and thought he could resolve everything with her without having to tell me. But as you can see it didn't work out that way. He even told me that he told her a couple of times that they have to decide on what they are going to do in regards to the house as HE IS GOING. He told me he thought she would be gone by now. He even talked about US LIVING TOGETHER after everything was settled with his partner. On Valentine's Day (2007) we exchanged cards. The next day he told me that he hadn't seen his partner for a couple of days due to her work schedule. He said, "I don't know if she even got a Valentine. It would be nice if someone was sweet on her at work, and she came and told me that she found someone." Everything that I said in my story is what this man has told me. He made me believe that I was the one that he wanted....and the only reason why he was still sharing HIS home with her is due to the FINANCIAL BIND that he is in. He told me that he has to make the mortgage payments as she is not able to do it. Well, anyway, we didn't do a very good job of staying away from each other. It was only a matter of time before we started talking by phone and in person, and being affectionate with each other....still only in the building that we worked in. He would mention how frustrating it was to want to spend time with someone....to want to be able to go out to dinner and travel, and not be able to.It got to the point where he even started to become bothered by the fact that I still wanted to bother with him, knowing his situation. I guess I never felt the need to just not bother with him altogether, and when I brought up to him what he had said, "I said maybe you don't want me to bother with you or talk to you period." He said, "No, don't do that." But, see, he knew that us even bothering with each other still meant being affectionate with each other; and even though he didn't have a problem with that; he felt it wasn't fair to me.About a month ago, he told me that she was talking to him about getting back together. It was actually a month at this point from when she first asked him. He told me he told her he would think about it. When I asked him if this is something that he really wants, he said, "I won't know until I do it". His logic is that he doesn't see anyway around it....nothing has changed over the past year, she didn't leave, she didn't find another man, its not as if he doesn't like her, and they do get along (that is the way you would describe a roommate). He said he wants to be able to enjoy his retirement, and he knows that by leaving she is entitled to half of everything. My attitude changed towards him after that and he found the conversation getting too serious and he didn't want to talk about it anymore.I said I had to go, and he said, "I will see you tomorrow", and I said, "Maybe." He said, "Come on now be good , don't be like that." He said, again, " I will see you tomorrow", and I said, "Maybe" and I kept on going. I ran into him the next day and I was very cool to him. I wasn't in the mood to even speak to him. When I walked by him, he called me "Stuckup" and said you don't want to speak to me now. When I kept on going, he said, "you are mad at me, aren't you"....I said, "No", he said it again, "You are mad at me." He tried to make conversation with me, and although I answered him; I didn't care to be around him too long.There was no contact for over a week when I gave in and called him. He was so understanding as to why I behaved the way I did. He could tell that I was hurt. When I asked him why he didn't mention this before, that he would even consider going back to her; he said that he never thought about it. He lived his life, she lived her life, he didn't bring anything up to her, and she didn't bring anything up to him. But he said, "A year had passed, nothing has changed, and he does have to think about it."
We spoke a couple of more times, and whe I asked
Was I a Fool or Could He Have Had Real Feelings For Me?VERONICA:I noticed that my story got cut off, so I am continuing it in this comment: We spoke a couple of more times, and when I asked him if they worked things out, he said for the most part they are back together, but not completely as they are not yet sleeping in the same bed. But with all of that said, he told me that he misses me, thinks about me, and DOES NOT love me any less; and to just remember what he wrote me in the letters. When I told him that it was really over and that we won't be together again, he said, "You never know, the mind is strong but the body is weak."When I told him that I was doing alot of thinking, he told me that I think too much. I told him that I was thinking alot about the past year, and if there was something I should have done differently, like really push him away when I found out the truth. He said, "there was nothing I could have done differenty, he is glad I never pushed him away, and that he has no regrets. I asked him one more time, if this is something that he really wants (being back with her). He said, "What a person wants and what they need to do are two different things." So when I said you are basically settling, he said, "YES". So, you see, he has appeared to have accepted his marital status now, or has resigned himself to accepting his situation. But according to him, he is doing what he needs to do as nothing had changed over the past year, in regards to his home life.Speeding ahead to November 2007:With this man's actions and dialogue over the past few months, I CAN NOT believe I ever wanted this man in my life. Early November, when I ran into him, he was very friendly calling me "Beautiful" and telling me that it has been almost a year since we have been out to dinner. I told him we can't do that, and he said that nothing has changed for him and that he still cares about me. The next day when I saw him I did a foolish thing. Seeing how sweet and friendly he was to me the day before, I decided to give him a handful of pictures of myself from my sisters' weddings. At first he said you know I can't take these home and enjoy them. I said that I knew that, but I thought he would like to keep them in his work locker with the other photos that I had given him a few months' before. I told him that if you don't want them that is fine, but then he said that he did, and I asked him if he was sure, and he said "YES".So we proceeded to have one of our intense conversations. I told him that I knew that things were over and that he made his choice, and he said he didn't have a choice; that nothing emotional was going on there. He then asked me, "Do you want to support me, do you"? That was in reference to his money because if he leaves, he will have to give her half of everything that he has. His money is the most constant thing that he ever talked about. Then I decided to tell him that I moved on. This is where I introduced the "Boyfriend". He said you are seeing someone. I said yes we have been out a few times already, and that I met him at the wedding. He asked me if he was married, his age, and if he worked in the building. I said, "No". He said that he felt jilted, it was like he lost his girlfriend. He said I guess you will be next to get married. He referred to what we had as an "Unfulfilled Relationship". Before I went home, I told him that he has a piece of me with him (meaning the pictures), and he told me that I was in his head and in his heart.About a week later, he came into the call centre where I worked, and before he left he came over to see me; and he said, "at least I had a chance to see you for a few minutes". The last real personal conversation that we had was later in November. He asked me if I was happy with this guy, and I said yes. But during this same conversation, he brought up about us spending time together again (the way we used to on Saturday afternoons when he was working). I told him that would be hard now, and he said you did it before; but I told him that we are no longer on the same page, and that we have reached a dead end. He reluctantly agreed, and said that his feelings for me haven't changed; and that he hoped my feelings hadn't changed for him either. See how he keeps changing his dialogue and actions to suit himself.Speeding ahead, I noticed that he didn't seem to be too interested in having basic conversations with me. We spoke before Christmas, and on New Year's Eve he appeared friendly....playful like. We talked about our plans, and he asked me if I had plans with my "boyfriend", and before I left; he pulled me closer to him and asked me if he would be seeing me in the New Year....I said, "Yes". He said, "Because I need to protect you from the guys who are after you".When he first saw me in the New Year, I started to walk past him, and he said come back here. He wanted to know how things were and what was new. I told him about this certain thing that happened to me in the first week of January, and he was very caring and supportive, and a few conversations after that he was supportive of my situation; but he did appear as though he was uncomfortable talking to me. (not due to my situation, because he said that if only he was there; he would have said something to help me out)I know I shouldn't be bothered by this, but it appears that a couple of times when he has seen me; he would try to avoid me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back in the romantic sense, as I know he is no good for me.January 28th (our last conversation), I brought up the fact that when I saw him last, he didn't seem as though he was in a talkative mood, and he said, "Well, I am a Married Man; at least until someone dies" (that didn't make any sense at all....married people can still talk). But I still acted very casual about just talking, the same as I would talk to anyone else. He said, that "it bothers me to talk to you". I said, "it does, does it, why, we are both past each other". He said, "it bothers me to JUST TALK TO YOU". He said, "you are a girl and I am a boy, and nothing like that has changed". Then he had to go back to work. It wasn't an hour later, and he was in the call centre to do a job, and he would look over at me, and give me that big smile of his; and before he left, he asked me if I was busy; I said yes, and that was the last that we had spoken to each other.I know that I am not blameless because I would be hanging around the lobby area on my lunch break, and when I would see him; I would walk past him and start a conversation.I don't want him back in my life, and as a matter of fact, I have been doing my best to avoid him; and hardly going downstairs when I know he is working. Maybe after all this time, he is also going to be going out of his way to make sure that he doesn't run into me either.What do you think he is actually doing? Is he playing mind games with me? Is he trying to teach me a lesson, that where I have basically closed the door on him in the romantic sense; that he has nothing to gain by even talking to me now? I know I shouldn't care, but I always like to get to the bottom of things.What do you especially think about this part:****He said, that "it bothers me to talk to you". I said, "it does, does it, why, we are both past each other". He said, "it bothers me to JUST TALK TO YOU". He said, "you are a girl and I am a boy, and nothing like that has changed".****I am surprised that he hasn't given me back my pictures. Part of me wants to call him and ask for them back. But he will probably think that I am being
Veronica & Everyone:
In Conclusion:
But he will probably think that I am being petty, and blowing his behaviour out of proportion.
It really helps to communicate with people who have been in my shoes and really understands what I am going through. I am dealing with the "BEING OVER STAGE".
This man is 57 years old and has no kids. His partner didn't want any. She has a dog, which he has shown to have the most affection for.This is a man who changes his dialogue and actions to suit himself. It does not benefit him to leave, but he will have me believe that his feelings for me haven't changed. He has told me about his feelings for me on different occasions. But now it is like, where he can't have me, he doesn't even want to talk to me. Both my mother and sister believe that with the way he talks and behaves that he has mental problems. They are so relieved that he is not in a position to be with me, as they believe that he would have ruined my life. They also believe that he really only wanted me for sex, and that if he did get what he wanted (which Thank God he never did....as I wouldn't go out with him or "BE" with him while he was still with her), that he would have dropped me. They also believe that the reason he is behaving this way now is because he didn't get what he wanted from me, and "JUST TALKING" to me is no longer satisfactory.****As far as just being friends with me, he told me last year that he could never see me as "JUST A FRIEND". And when we did the break up thing very early in 2007 (which didn't last very long, as we started spending time together again), and I suggested that we could still get together at the Food Court to talk; he said that he just can't sit across the table from me. Spending time with me also means being able to be affectionate.****I know my story is very long, but I would appreciate any and all opinions!!!
OK,
Why are all the wives hating on the "other women"? Is is just easier than hating the spouse? The MARRIED ones are the ones doing all the lying to keep the con game going!
They did not live together at the time and he portrayed himself as if he was separated from her..Portrayed..as in quite the actor, he should be nominated for an academy award...I had been to his place may, many times, believe me he lived in another part of the state from her!
My MM pulled the same crap on me, but I feel just it was worse...He BEGGED me to have a baby, so he would "finally do what he needed to do" I took this to mean he was finalizing getting the divorce since they were already separated...
Now my daughter is almost 2 and all I ever get is another song and dance from him. I fell so awful about my daughter, she is such and angel. I hate him so much for doing that to an innocent child.
just found your hub and an printing the comments to try and stop an affair i have been in for 6 years now with a MM.
How do I start to heal when I can't seem to stop it? He has tried numerous times, and I have been supportive and say to him if you need me, just call, and he continues to come back. Do I need to be firm, what happens to me when I no longer do have him around. Please give me a answer if you can with this info. He says his wife wont have sex with him. but he also says he is not gay...yet his affiar is with me, another guy..What a screwed up story huh?
If not me, then who? is my thought . But when i read what everyone says, if he cheats on his wife (of 20 years) he will cheat and lie to me also. I think a therapist is in my future. is it all my self esteem issues?
please give as much helpful advice as you can. I really could use some(hence me printing all comments from this page as of this moment to take and read and try to grasp. thank you all for your time
to julia, i have read your post and feel the same pain and hurt and wonder on how at all i can overcome this point in my life. Mine is 5 1/2 to 6 years and i wonder how my life (now at 44) couldve changed and hope that i can change it soon. Dating , i am comparing the new guy to him, and I have only had sex with one other since my MM, and when i told MM about it, although he seemed to understand and want me to "have my life" we have the knowledge that he will never leave his straight world and "happy" life for me. Does that mean I am his sad life? the more I read the past comments of guest, the more i am realizing that the power of this hub is that i am seeing others and their stories and i jus hope that i get a response from cyberworld as to another , how shall i say, point of view (hence reading the past comments). Maybe i dont need a therapist, i can use all of you as my mentors, when i can compare my straight to gay lover relationship(my MM calls this fling a relationship...probably the lie i must get over the most.) I really must delve into my self and well being and understand that none of you can push, but all of you can offer the advice, as I do to my frinedsa dn acquaintances. It is always easier to respond to someone elses issues than it is to my own...so true for a lot of us possibly huh? thank you al for your time and i look forward to checking back and seeing any/all respondents and to hopefully help anyone I read 's hub and their own personal stories. We are all human afterall, and all of us has plus and minus parts of our lives. thank you again.
I have been following this hub, and I am just amazed at some of the things that have been said.
A married man can only go as far as a woman will allow.
Sleeping with a married man is a really bad move. Nevermind his excuses, his personal qualities, the sex or circumstances with his wife. It's wrong. He made a committment to be with someone else through good and bad times. Whatever is going on for him in his marriage is none of your business. Anything a single or other woman would have to offer aside from friendship and respect for his primary relationship is simply not needed.
You are a third wheel, helping to destroy something real, making a situation more complicated than what it "may" be, and hurting yourself and others to try and have something you won't pursue honestly--like the woman who invested her time and energy into her marriage, and took the risks to be with who is now her husband. The wife is pitiful, a nag, a bitch (someone said here) that isn't owed anything. You not the one married to her, so you can sleep with her husband, and for some of you, you don't see the wrong, or simply don't care. Whose womb did you come from that you could care so little? That you'd purposely choose to do grimey things because . . . you can. I don't know how many affairs occur that turn bad, meaning a wife goes postal, and the other woman gets physically hurt or stalked. I imagine that would not be fun at all
Why wouldn't the wife feel violated and angry. Come on now, you are sleeping with her husband. It's like stealing, like rape---you are taking something away she's not giving willingly or even knowingly. It might be hard to relate, when you have not been where you and her spouse have put her, or you just too selfish/immature to see beyond what you want. No you aren't the married woman's problem. You are just a woman with a deep seeded problem, like her spouse, and you and her spouse decided that to fill your voids, that you are going to compromise everything and everyone else instead of doing the right thing---the healthy thing.
Men: When is love and friendship in your marriage going to become more important than getting layed by the next "hot chick", or woman who you just "hit it off" with? How much ego stroking and attention does a man need? How much responsibility and accountability does he have for his own choices and actions? The wife did this, she didn't do that, well that's why her husband cheated. The weight of a relationship can't be put on one person's shoulders, and I can't see how a marriage with issues (what marriage doesn't have them), can improve when one of its members isn't "in the marriage" and has a crutch. STOP BEING A CRUTCH. stop telling yourself and him how wonderful he is, when what he is doing to you and his wife is WRONG.
If you don't want to be married, then don't. If you want to get out of an affair with a married man--just get out. Do it however you need to do it, but get out. It isn't worth the heartbreak. The temporary bliss and attention you get out of the arrangement is courtesy of his wife's ignorance, which is why once it's exposed, it goes flat. You are not getting the whole him, or the whole story, probably not even a tenth of what his wife is getting. Life is all about choices. Choose to be a better person. Choose to be respectful of boundaries, and other people's relationships. Choose to get beyond what feels good for the moment. I can't fathom how someone can expect to have and be able to manage a real relationship when they can't or are unwilling to choose well. There are good men out there, and they aren't married and cheating on their wives.
My ex broke it off with me in the past two weeks. She always said she wanted things to work with us but I kept getting the feeling and signals that she was saying otherwise. Her "friendship" with a married man at work pushed the boundaries and I was always aware of the close relationship forming. Of course she denied that she "loved him" and only loved me and that they would only remain friends as she didn't feel the same way. Her actions and words said things that were completely different.
Anyway, she broke off complete ties with me, I expressed my doubts about their friendship and wanted to make things work but couldn't knowing how close they were. When ties were all cut off I took it pretty hard, wanting to contact her any way possible. I found out that she had started an affair with him, on my birthday, he has 3 kids, one practically a newborn.
Whilst I finally came to terms with her choosing him over me I realised a lot about myself. The relationship I had with her was damaging, I lost respect for myself and became really low. But these circumstances made me realise a lot. The things I loved abot her - values etc were no longer attributed to her character, she has broken up a marriage. She would justify her actions based on what she felt this guy gave to her, she's dependent on someone else's happiness to form her own. It shouldn't be like that.
I haven't engaged in another relationship myself because I didn't want to get into something where I was dependent on another. I wanted to bring my self-esteem back, be happy and engage in a relationship. That is what I'm working on now and I haven't been happier. I want my self-worth and value back and not have my happiness determined by someone else. I know I'm much better off now and happier than she will ever be, because now she has more on her plate. Whilst I love her still, there is no way I'm going to try to be in her life again, it was like a poison. reflecting back all she did was use me to make herself feel better, as she is now doing with this other guy. Karma will come around, I know it.
I don't believe that all women are like this, but I hope I don't get it wrong the next time.
thank you for your words (what a bunchof), i must say that i know and am trying ot find the means inside of myself to stop this cycle, i am grateful to read the others stories, to see that i am not alone, and to continue to open my eyes to this dead end relationship i am in,.
I was also in a relationship with a married man for 6 years. This is something that I am not proud of and never will be. When the relationship began he told me that him and his wife were seperating. I believed him because I spent every day with him until 2am and sometimes later. We were together every day of the week. We would go out to clubs, hang out with family and friends. I even meet his brother, cousin, nieces, nephews and best friend. I had no reason to believe he was lying to me. When I would take my kids on vacation he would go with us. Our relationship was so good that we decided to adopt two foster children that I had since they were born. We submitted the paperwork and attended all the classes. In March he proposed to me. My life seemed to be going great until May. I had my 13 year old daughter at the doctors and my cell phone rang. I answered the phone and to my surprise it was my boyfriends wife wanting to know who I was. She found the ring receipt in his car and he had both of our cell phone numbers listed as contact numbers. I began to tell her everything and she informed me that they never separated. I was a little confused considering I spent every day with him. We decided to confront him together. I showed up at their house and he no idea that I was coming there. He was very surprised and tryed to leave. His wife actually tackled him to keep in the house. He tried to deny everything and indicated that I was a physco girl that he worked with and I would not leave him alone. The thing is I had too much proof that he was lying. First of all, she already found the ring receipt. I had cards he had sent me, our cell phones were in his name and there is just so much more that it would take me all day. When I left his house I was devastated and confused. I did not understand why he would hurt me like this. This is a man that told my grandparents that he loved me and we were getting married. What he failed to tell us is that he was lying to me and never left his wife. He keep showing up at my house telling me he loved me and he was sorry. There is not enough words in this world to take away my pain. His wife let everything go and continued on with there marriage but here it is 2 years later and he is still telling me he loves me and wants me back. That will never happen considering I met an awesome man that I have been with for 14 months and I will not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. One thing I do want to say is that us women need to stick together and realize that everything these men tell us about their wife or significant other is not true. I was told so many negative things about his wife but when I met her she was a beautiful, caring, great women. Her husband on the other hand is a lying, cheating dog. She may be able to deal with his actions but I know that I deserve better. There is no man in this world that is worth you be treated this way. If you are in a realtionship with a married man get out now. As you can tell from my story he went as far as proposing and I had no idea he was still with his wife. You are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and pain. There is some great single men out there (and I found one of them YEAH) give it time and you will find him. JUST DONT SETTLE FOR LESS WHEN YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!!!
I am new to this but I have found this site to be at the most very useful. I myself am involved with a married man, only no one know's about it and I really have no one to talk to about it. I figured if I posted here it would not only be therapeutic but it would also give me a way to vent my feelings and frustrations. I am in no way seeking approval, denial or acceptance. I just want to be me, in every sense of the word. I am not looking for someone to tell me what I am doing is wrong anymore than I want someone to tell me what I am doing is right. I in my life no matter how much I try and justify my behavior, it all comes down to the fact that me, an educated 35 year old married woman with children has fallen for a married man. "I" since I have found this sight has relished in the fact that I know I am not alone and that ultimately maybe I can strike a friendship up wiith someone that none the less has been there and know's exactly what it is that I am feeling.
Here is my story. I met my "MM" in June of 2004 although at the time we were just aquaintances we quickly became friends. We talked in person on several occasions, we chatted and IM'd one another into the wee hours of the morning and we flirted when we were around one another in such a way that if anyone put 2 and 2 together it would have been deemed as inapropriate. For the last few years all we ever did was talk, then I moved away (we still kept in contact) but ultimately a year later I came back.
It wasn't until I came back after a few months of talking before I had the courage to confront him face to face with what I was feeling. In fairness he knew I cared for him as did I know that he cared for me so one night I mustered up the courage drove to his work and proceeded to tell him everything. In a way I felt so much better after I had said what I needed to say, but to my surprise when I told him that I loved him, he looked me in the eyes and said I love you too. Everything to me started out slow, there was a lot of hand holding, kissing and hugging and more so a lot of communication. We to this date have never had sex and in fairness I told him that I was not ready. He has been married for the past 6 years and I have been married for the past 14. He is not happy in his marriage and neither am I. We have talked a lot about the future and he includes me in his future plans. I understandably know that I am the other woman, but in my heart I feel so much for this man, almost as if it is an addiction that I now can't bear the thought of him not being in my life. The truth of the matter is, I want to make a life with him without reservation and without hesitation I love this man.
Now morally I know this is wrong and I know that either way the outcome of my actions can hurt others in some sort of fashion, I however wasn't looking to hurt anyone. I have even told him that I wish I didn't feel what I felt, I have tried to end things and I have done my best to push him away, only he comes back with I love you and I want you in my life. I at this point in time am so confused that I don't know what to do, I miss him when he is not around and I am completely smitten when I am around him. He tells me that he doesn't like to sneak around and that one day we wont have to. I want to believe him, but in the back of my mind it is rather hard. He over the past few months has brought things out of me that either I didn't know existed or that I have somehow blocked. I love him for a variety of reasons and yet I am scared that everything that he is telling me is the truth. I none the less have always told him that I would never ask him to leave, and if he should it will be by his own merit, not by mine.
We have talked about plans for our future, but my job at the hospital and his job as a leo makes our time together rather stressful. I have thoughts of making love to him and somewhere in my heart I have feelings of guilt for even thinking that way. The sneaking around is beginning to take it's toll and lately now that we have personal cell phones that are only known to us we are in constant communication with one another. If we are not with one another, we are online and if were not online we are on the phone and if were not on the phone we are texting one another. Yet again though this is not how I thought I would spend my time at the age of 35.
So I guess in conclusion right now as I know it everything is up in the air, I have no idea from day to day what is going to happen. I struggle with the everyday task of wanting out so no one will be hurt but I also struggle with the fact that I love him and that is the part that hurts. I am open to advice, I am open to discussing this on an adult level. I don't need to be preached at and I certainly don't need to be talked to as if I am a 3 year old child. I know in my heart it is wrong but I also don't know to tell my heart to let go. In any case, I do thank those who have read this and in some form have allowed me to vent.. Until the next post, I will keep updating..
Dear Mystic Rain:
I understand fully the situation you are in because at one time I was in the same boat. Everything started off the same way we me and my ex. We loved being together and I felt as he completed me. He made promises of us being together forever and he even took it to the next level by proposing. That all went down hill when 6 years into out relationship I received a phone call from his wife and nothing about his home life was how he told me. He was living two perfect lives he had me and his wife. Everything was great on both ends. It was a situation where the man fell in love with two women and did not want to give either one of them up. There is alot of heartache and pain when you are dealing with this type of situation. To be honest coming from a person that has been there you are better off moving on with your life. Do not allow yourself to get mixed up in this anymore then you have. I know you love him and I am sure he loves you but there is alot more at stake. Both of you are currently married and I am sure you feel obligated to your spouses. If not you would be in the divorce process. If things are not working out at home there is no reason to remain in that relationship. Alot of time you hear that someone is sticking around for the kids and I will tell you that is the worst excuse in the book. I am a single mother of 3 wonderful children. When I kicked my ex-husband out it was the best thing for all of us. You really need to take time to yourself and decide what you really want out of this realtionship. I know you said you were not telling him to leave his wife but one thing to remember is that you cannot stop feelings. If you continue to see and talk to this man feelings are going to get stronger and the situation will get harder. Then you will want more and he may feel that you are fine with the situation how it is because you never made an issue out of it. This may be the ending factor to your realtionship all together. You need to make a decision if you are alright with only being his mistress or do you want more. Then you need to speak to him about your decision and decide together how things are going to work out.
Thanks for your story Tonya.
i have never been told by mm that he would leave his wife, or that his straight life is anything but what he wants. He always tells me that when he leaves me he feels guily, but each time (at least three) that he trys to say he may not be back, he finds a reason to.
I know, being a gay man and that he is a confused man, i know that i must always keep that whole situation in perspective, i have tried and worked on it for the past now almost 6 years and i think i have done a fairly good job. I have told him that the day i find my specail someone, i will end it with him, and i truly believe that i will. sure, being the mistress in this is hard for me, the days i wish he'd stop by, the days he does and i am not really in the mood, but i think that i have kept it real with the help of a serial dating friend of mine that gave me his rules for dating the mm in his life. He told me the rules from the get go , and they apply to his life and , now that i am with the same one for 6 years i find my friends rules help me, i have reassured myself of this, but i like to read the comments and the stories of others on this blog. granted, i have no allusion my mm will ever leave his wife or family, and he knows that i shall always keep his secret, but i thank my friend for the rules of the game and i can only say that i feel, at least i think that i will always be ready for the day that he, or i , call this off. I have never had a problem finding dates in the gay world, and i always swore that i would never date or be with a bi male or a mm, though this mm i am attached do (so to speak) was the person who followed me and i truly was blindsided when he made his move. we were friends, i thought, so i was blinded by his first kiss and romance with me...some 6 years ago. I truly respect all the opinions of the bloggers on this site, and hope to continue to check all of your storys as i get the chance to (at work now) , i can only imagine the pain and confusion of being told that the mm was going to leave the spouse and the lying and deceit that occurs, but i have never had that, i have tried to always keep that open communication...he knows that i know he cant go further, and i know he knows that when i find my special one and only i will give up on the friends with benefits that we are in now. Yes, friends with benefits really is what i am in, it just happens to be a mm... sorry if i am boring you all. But i do thank you all for your time and the space to vent my feelings too..
Oh my god, i must be one of the lucky ones! I had a an affair with a married man for 14 years in which the end result was that he did in fact leave his wife. Don't get me wrong it has been hard but saying that what in life that's worth having comes easy. We have had to work for it. The ex wifething awkward and uses the kids as a weapon but things are getting abit easier. My partner is still trying to deal with the guilt 2 years later so please dont expect to live happier ever after immediately. It takes so long to pick them back up when they are down. You deal with the tears, moods and you constantly have to reassure them that there is light at end of the tunnel and you will be happy in time.
To me the secret to making it worth is not giving up. I never lost belieft that he would come through for me. Yes at times i did feel that it would be easier to walk away than stay and make it work. I was lucky that i found someone who loved me and wanted me for me. I never asked him to leave his family that was soley his decision. I had to let him leave in his own time when he felt ready. I ensured i gave him everything that he didnt get at home, i was lucky that love, affection and understanding came east to me.
I have a 10year old daughter to him and stayed 100% faithful throught all my time with him. we both have well paid jobs and now that i have everything i want i have never been happier. For me i believe all the heartache i went through was worth it.
My advice to you would be to follow your instincts. Don't ever doubt them. If you feel that you are being lied to you probably are. I always felt there was a connection between us which made it easier for me to trust my instincts. Sometimes you do get a happy ending and i am lucky, so very lucky that i did get the man!!!!
Dear Tonya,
Thank you so much for responding and thank you more so for your gentle words and encouragement. I know that ultimately I will have to make the decision of letting go and in all honesty I did try about three days ago. I turned the ringer off on my home phone and I set my cell phone to silent and I shut down my computer, needless to say by the time all was said and done I had 26 voice mails, numerous IM's and a email waiting for me, even after I told him that I could not do this anymore.
He told me that he was in love with me and that please, if I would just talk to him. Sadly around 3am I gave in and called him. I am slowly starting to distance myself from him though, I don't talk nearly as much as we had been doing before, when he tells me he loves me and he misses me, without me saying a word I hang up the phone. I in the effort department really am trying. Lately I have resorted to crying myself to sleep, not so much because I miss him more so because I for the life of me don't know how I got myself into such a mess. I am smart enough to know that despite anything I am partial to blame for any hurt or pain I may have caused, I fell in love with a married man, that right there is enough to feel guilty over.
I think for me I am at a point in my life where I feel I deserve more and all the love and care that I feel for him and that he feels for me, can never take away the fact that we both went outside our marriage and sought comfort in the arms of others. I have a long road a head of me this I know, and whatever I decide will be very well thought out. Right now I am taking some time for me and in doing so I hope to learn what started this behavior in the first place. I will continue to update you and from my heart thank you for your kindness. Your words of wisdom have been taken and read with the utmost respect and sincerity. Until the next time ... Thank you ...
Dear Uncle Tony,
I think I can pretty much say that you just as everyone else has the right to express your views, your opinions and your frustrations. When I first thought about posting, my reaction was "dear God" what if I get some jilted spouse with an attitude blaming me for what ever it was that drove there significant other to cheat. Then reality set in and I realized "You" know I can only accept responsibility for my actions. I am not the cause of why people cheat nor am I the cause of why a spouse would opt to leave rather than sticking it out and finding some sort of conclusion in this mess. I am me and that is all I can be.
Realistically thinking I am a cheater and I have allowed another man to assume the responsibilities that I once shared with my husband. I have no idea where this chapter in my life will take me and as I told Tonya I have a lot of thinking to do with a long road a head of me. I honestly am not looking forward to it, but I also know that what ever I choose will be what I think is best. I began to post here because I felt a sense of belonging, I have read every post and or blog on here, even the ones where the wives have called us other women some not so nice names. I didn't feel the need to reply to those women simply because "they to have a right to there opinions", just as I or anyone else does. "BUT" I am also no doormat nor am I any one's whipping boy, but as we say in nursing, opinions are like assholes and everyone has them :)
I look forward after work coming home and just reading more so just venting with people that have been there and that are there now. So in retrospect if you feel the need to vent, do so, I will always listen with an open ear if that is what you choose to do. My job is not to past judgment on others, lord knows we all get that from day to day. I hope if nothing else this has helped you in some way, if not least you have made an online friend and you have found a place to vent out all of your frustrations. I to felt alone until Tonya had addressed me. I am truly thankful to her for her kindness. You take care .. Until the next posts....
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
I think you need too break this off and find an unmarried person.
Nice hub. Very good advices!
Dear Mystic rain,
thank you for your words. My mm is so unlike any of the posts here, but that is because of multiple things really. The most is that i have no notion nor is or has he ever said he would leave the wife. I actually have seen her and the children and the thought that i am dad's "other life" is really only on my mind.
growing up in the gay world, and seeing that mostly all men are promiscuous either in the straight world or gay, i have resigned for theses past 6years nearly to my weekly/biweekly release of a liason and make no demands on him. there are times that I turn off my phone and leave the lights off "so to speak" so I am not "bothered" by his comign by...unannounced or after trying to call.
He knows he has a lot to loose if I was like that to tell anyone, his life, job, everything would change, but he is such a nice person and i am not a vindictive person and would never do that.
He refers to this as a "relationship" a word that shocks me, and when i tell him i care for him as much as i am allowed to, i hold up my hand as a glass wall and tell him that i know that this is a far as i can ever go. Is it easy? No, but for my own self it is something i have to say to him, and to myself anytime i feel that i am nearing that wall(so to speak) of caring for him.
He has also used the term boyfriend, of which i immediately corrected him and said no...i am your lover..there is a difference. And just a bunch of things like that that have kept this alive so long.
this time of the year, the springtime, is usually more of a family time i have discovered this pattern in this affair. i will not see him for about three weeks or so and then when the weather turns warmer, it is on again for the ten day stretch or seven days, but like clockwork which is sort of comical to me.
his family....what are the thoughts. Well I am like most on the hub that say the children are the most important and the wife is second, and I really wish the best for them all. Do I envy? well I wont lie, I do envy that she has this much, but once a cheat always a cheat and my main issue is (which was my last discussion with MM) that if he cheats with a woman....he cheats on the wife and I want to know for even more protective measures to be implimented. If he cheats with a guy, i have told him, I will be his friend but i also will have to call this off. The gay issue is very important to me. This was the first and only time in my entire life of dating that i ever backed off my morals and saw a "taken" person. And I vowed to myself that this is the only time.
Can i be trusted to be open and honest...well yes I can. Will I find my own prince charming in the future. well yes, i believe i will. There is always another corner to turn and another street t cross in life..that is what makes life so fascinating.
I thank you Mystic, for not judging me or anyone on this site for our views. And i know, I will anger the wives with the comments I leave. But I also know that i am the only one who can make this life work, and if MM is happy as we are all this time(to a degree he can overcome his guilt of the situation) , I am happy that I can help out this friend of mine who suddenly changed my life alomost 6 years agao with a small kiss in my kitchen that i can still feel to this day. If I wasn't in his life, i fear he would do what a lot o bi guys do and thatis unsafe and possible to get caught at places. \
I do trust my instinct, that is why if I believe I am being lied to by him, i tell him immediately and i let him know that I want the truth from him only...and if and when that day comes for the end of the affair.....which it will because i want a lover i can rock on a chair with in our old age...when that end happens he and i will part as friends and , as he put it to me, there will always be a small twinkle in his eyes for me and i for him I told him and we can still move on ...since we had been friends before, and will be friends after...the affair.
sorry to all for the spelling and punctuation of previous comment of mine..I thought I had time to edit (LOL) before it would post
Great hub and one that women really need to read.
Women need to realize that men don't leave their wives. it is very rare when they do. They are usually very content in the relationship. They have thier reasons and most of them are sefish ones. Mostly for the thrill of it. Too see what they can get away with. The excitment of another relationship and the secretcy of it.
The women suffer. The wife suffers as she may know and it hurts her deeply to know that he is breaking his vows and wonders if it has to do with something that she has or has not done.
Then there is the woman that the man is having the affair with. She thinks with her heart and not her head. Her heart tells her that the man loves her and beleives what he says. She sees a happy ending but there isn't one for her. He will always go back to his wife and she will be lonely again.
She will feel used and bitter, Wondering about the next relationship and whether to trust or not to trust the next man.
Dear Uncle Tony,
Hello .... how are you ? I do hope that this finds you in good spirits and doing well. Thank you for saying such nice things to me, but in fairness it is neither my place nor my job to insult, lay blame, point fingers or bash anyone. I just as you found this "hub" as a place to vent, to communicate and receive and give advice. For me a lot of it has been most beneficial and I myself feel so lucky to have corresponded with people who truly understand and understood what it was that I myself am going through.
Honestly if you think about it, the only people that should really care in the relationship are the two that are involved. Everything else and everyone Else's opinions are basically superficial, and that is not meant to be critical of the situation but if you think about it, as long as you "yourself" know in your heart what the truth is, then that is all that really matters. If there is one thing I have learned through out all of this is I, despite what I have done deserve my happiness as well. I would say that to anyone, regardless of there hidden flaws and there hypocritical views.
When I joined this hub I really didn't know what to expect, my theory was that if someone was brash enough to quickly point out my mistakes then they had damn well better be prepared to take what it was that I was going to say back. I admitted my wrongs and felt so much better after doing so. It really didn't matter to me what others thought, in my eyes, all I can be is me and despite a few mistakes here and there I am genuinely deep down a good person. Sometimes I think a lot of people forget that about themselves. I guess for some it is easier to point fingers rather then step back look deep inside ones self and come to the conclusion that they to are not perfect. Understandably speaking yes for the most part a lot of what is said on here is enough to piss anyone off, but I think in retro spect that is not the intention of most of the people on here. Whether they are seeking advice, wanting forgiveness or if they just come here to vent whether they are the one's having the affair or the spouse of the one that is having an affair, whatever there situation may be, we are all human and everyone needs an outlet...
I commend you for bravery, not only are you a man speaking out about having an affair but you are a gay man trying to find some sort of resolution to your situation. I do hope one day that it is resoluted for your sake. I wish you much happiness in the future and 'yes' you are right, I would like to believe that there is someone out there for everyone, some of us just have to look a little harder and have a little more faith. You will find it and when you do, you will know that it is right.
Some of us on here are truly seeking friendships with others who have been there, whether it is being a confidant to someone or just a simple smile and hello to let them know they are not all alone, in fairness that is all some of us have and need. Last but not least always remember (forgiveness should not come with a debt)... Wishing you all the best and I do hope that some of what I have said has helped you in some way, or at the very most it has opened up a line of communication for others to learn from or speak from... Take care until the next post ..
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
I really enjoy reading this Hub Alot of great comments. I myself am a mw and was/am seeing a mm as a casual FBW arrangement. The problem I have is everything is always on his schedule when HE wants to get together. It has caused me nothing but heartache. This hub has helped me to realize I am worth more than that. We worked together for 4 years and we always chatted at work and he would leave me gifts in my desk. One day we went to a concert and i pushed it to the next level. Shortly after we hooked up and did the nasty I never felt better I had 2 men that totally wanted me my husband which I love to death and my FWB. My FWB appears to be a good person, 5 kids, goes to church has good morals. But I guess not if he was such a good person he would not being seeing me.The countless times I saw him on the phone at work before we hooked up. I think he is a player we knows how to block his number everytime he calls and I think he is more out there than I want. I have been trying real hard to forget him but am finding it difficult as we work very close together. First time I tried this friends with benefits and i guess what they say is true and I think it will be the last time. I have sent him a message telling him how I feel. What had started as so wonderful ended up making me feel like crap and undesirable. We have been doing this FWB for almost a year and I need help your comments would be greatly appreciated. Letting go is the hardest part,
Dear Crazylady,
I just as I would say to anyone else I do hope that this finds you a little more sane and at best that it finds you doing well. I am not sure if you would have wanted to receive a comment from me, but I am going to do so anyway. I understand what it is that you are going through only because I am in the same situation and I to when I started this hub, I was seeking advice on what to do and how to break away. I agree breaking away is sometimes more easier said than done.
The only advice I can give is follow your heart, regardless of the circumstance there are a lot of emotions as well as a lot of risk involved. I to this day have still not found a conclusion to my dilemma and the reason being is because I to am finding it difficult to just walk away. Although I am distancing myself from him, in my heart there is and will always be a part of me that holds a special place for him deep within my own self. Granted it is a love that by many would define as improper and in the eyes of others it would be deemed as forbidden. I on the other hand justify it as he loves me and I love him, even though to many that would seem wrong.
For all rights my "MM" is a wonderful person and although he tells me that his life is so much better with me in it, rightfully so it should be, I mean he has the security at home, all his home cooked meals and let's not forget all the nagging that goes on in a marriage. Then he has me, the one who is patient and calm, the one who is eager to see him and the one that he thinks believes all the bullshit he tells me, in fairness I do actually let him think that. Whatever the reason it is nothing more than an ego boost to him, and to me in fairness my patience is waring thin. He knows this as I have never hidden it from him.
You stated that your "MM" appears to be a good person, in fairness he most likely is. Then you state that he goes to church and that he has good morals, something tells me that you are seeing him for what he really is and right wrong or otherwise, if you feel in your heart that he is a player than you need to go with your instinct. Generally the first instinct that a woman feels most likely is the right one. The one thing I have learned about people that cheat, including myself have somehow and in some way manage and managed to master the art of deception and as long as you, or I or anyone else that is in the same situation continues to play the game, then it will continue to run it's course, but the minute you decide you no longer want to play that is when the late night phone calls start or dropping by unannounced or better yet the tons of emails that basically say the same thing. 'Please just talk to me' we can work this out, I love you and I need you. Hmmm been there and done that.
To say that one can make a clean break from it is an understatement, it is not always that easy nor does it make it hurt any less. If you wrote him an email and told him what it is that you truly feel, if he replied back then you really need to sit back and read what he wrote, even if it means reading it line by line. If he didn't respond and it was a conversation that you had concerning what you wrote, you need to think back and examine exactly what it was that he was saying to you and it will be only then that you can make your judgment and your decision. Ultimately it comes down to you and what it is that you truly want.
If you are seeking advice to break away and let go, I really can't answer that, in a logical sense most people would say just cut off all ties and be done, but again it is not always that easy and what appears to some as easy appears to others as being difficult. I in no way will ever cast judgment on anyone, lord knows I punish myself enough, but if you ever really need to talk, I will be more than happy to give you my email address if you would feel comfortable with that. In any case I do hope some of what I have said has helped, if nothing else you have corresponded with someone who can relate to what it is that you are going through and I wish you all the best of luck with what ever your decision may be .. You take care until the next post ...
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
Are there any updates available now?
Dear Mystic Rain,
You are, by far, a wonderful and thoughtful source of inspiration and I really do
appreciate your words, not only in reply to my situation, but to the others who have tried to make sense out of their lives.....
thank you
Dear Uncle Tony,
Thank you so much for your kind words that you have replied back to me. You sir are very kind and sweet, I just as others am trying to find a means to all this frustration. I would say to you just as I would say to anyone. My demeanor by far does not change, I am me and as (crazy) as that may sound I am more than comfortable within my own self. I do how ever wish happiness for all that are on this hub, despite what I, or anyone else has done or thought, "we all deserve happiness". I honestly believe that with all my heart.
I am truly thankful that I have found some pretty remarkable people on this hub, and you sir are one of them. I would offer to you just as anyone else, if ever anyone needs to vent, cry or just talk, I am here and I am more than happy to give my email address if you or anyone else should ever need it, all you have to do is ask. I give much thanks to Veronica who despite anything had started this hub, for me as I have said I have found it to be beneficial and most therapeutic. Until the next post.
Wishing you all the best, you take care.
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
i love your HUBS..you are always right on point!! thanks for the good read!
Hi Veronica,
I have been reading the posts on your hub with overwhelming sadness. I have been on both ends of the scenario; I spent 3 years with a man I loved incredibly deeply and was cheated on. Now, I am in the position of having fallen in love with someone who is not available (not married but in a longterm relationship).
I have read the comments from many women who are filled with anger and hatred towards 'the other woman'. While I am sure there are women out there that are narcissistic and are truly out for themselves without concern for the other people involved, I would like to say that truly, it is not always like that.
The person I became involved with started off as a great friend and I honestly had no idea that he was so seriously involved. By the time he did tell me, I was quite emotionally attached to him. Like many women, I believed that I could sustain a friendship with him without going deeper and without losing part of my spirit. And because he WAS such a good friend, it was easy to keep up the positive cameraderie.
However, things did change and the chemistry between us deepened and evolved. The relationship did become intimate, but not on a regular basis. Before I knew it, I found myself feeling knots of sadness and anxiety in my chest when a few days would pass without my hearing from him. It was at this point that I realized I could not keep up my friendship with him without a lot of danger to my own well-being.
I'm trying to say that I'm not an evil home-wrecker; that I'm a woman who really does care about other people and that I would not have even opened the door to friendship had I known this might happen. I am an honest and loving person who hates being in the shoes I'm in and just yesterday, made the move to tell him I couldn't keep up this relationship without knowing that at some point we could be together with integrity. You may all have guessed the outcome of this already - he said he is not ready to leave his partner. I should seen this coming but when the heart becomes so deeply involved, even the most intelligent and kindest people can become so damn blind.
I am now in the same shoes as I was when I was cheated on - desperately sad, unsure, and crying a river of tears.
I thik it's worth considering that rather than the women hate each other and throwing about names like whore and home-wrecker, we understand that we both end up hurting at the end and nobody ever really wins. Men AND women who cheat have extraordinary power to talk themselves and others into believing what they choose.
Anyway, I'm very sad and certainly wish that I had walked away the moment I found out he wasn't available. Women out there, if anyone reading this is at the very beginning of a relationship like this and you think you can keep it together and not get emotionally involved, please close the door now. The tears really will come, and our self respect is worth SO much more.
Surf
Men are so egotistical. Everything they do is in the name of their egotistical self interests. They have affairs to boost their ego, yet they fight to maintain their current family man postition, because it suits them. This benefits them the most: A wife to provide stability, family life, raise the mans children...and the mistress to allow him to have a life of excitement - To make his family life more bearable. They really don't care about the other womans feelings, as much as they try to persuade us that they do, they only care about themselves, they care more about their wife than you, in any case... Some woman are able to have 'Friends with Benefits' without being attached... They too, like men do not care about having a loving caring relationship with another man. Should all women be like this? Self interested? It would make things a lot less painful and complicated. This only applies to a few woman though, who are and always has been completely independant of men and it has been the men who are the needy ones. What is it that makes the majority of woman though unable to stop feelings growing? Is it in our biological make-up??? Its so frustrating that men have this superior abilty to do it.
Dear Why oh Why, hello I do hope that this post finds you a little less frustrated, if anything I hope that this finds you doing well. I am answering you only because you said something that caught my attention concerning "women's feelings and our biological make~up". In fairness men are egotistical but many woman are as well. Labeling "the man" don't make it less than demeaning anymore than labeling a woman, whether she be the wife, girlfriend, significant other or the mistress 'but' to answer your question, unfortunately we cannot control who we do or do not fall in love with. No matter how hard we try, despite it all we all have feelings and some of us are able to express them a little more freely than others.
We (as humans) can only control our actions and it is through those actions when we really define what type of person we truly are. Women since the beginning of time have been raised to be natural born nurturers. We have the ability to multi~task without question or with~out reason. We can work a full time job, drop the kids off at school, go to parent/teacher conferences, go to the store, start dinner, get there kids to there soccer game on time, throw in a load of laundry, serve dinner, put the clothes in the dryer, do the dishes and read a bedtime story before "SHE" the woman goes to bed, (only) to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. The man sadly speaking may conquer maybe one or two of those tasks before "He" the man asks for some help if not guidance (hence why many women have to remind them that "NO" white clothes cannot be mixed with the colors despite what type of detergent you use).
I regardless in my opinion refuse to let any man be superior to me, I treat all equally, men and women. I am none the less a very independent woman who does not have to base her life around a man. Honestly speaking, I revolve my life around my children, my family, my friends and my career. I do agree with you though, there are many men out there who give the appearance of being superior and by far they are not, and yes those would be the needy ones and the ones that think the rules don't apply to them. I personally sum it up to a selfish act of discovery. I mean trying to define a man is as arbitrary as me telling someone to wipe before they go to the bathroom. Shitty analogy but yet so true.
I although I am grateful for this hub at times find myself reading these blogs and it truly does bring tears to my eyes, I have read about so many women on this hub that are so identical to me and yet they are not me. It at times is as if I am reading a book about my life my experiences, my hurt, my pain and my frustrations. None the less though we are all human and we all share the same emotions, joy and pain. The truth, men are complicated and just as they said on "steel magnolias" if it weren't for us women they would not know whether to scratch there watch or wind there butt.
I however am neither a hater or a preacher, I just think that most women as well as men are searching for one thing, "love", if you think about it most are either cheating, thinking about it, have already done it or feel that they have found the perfect one. In reality there are those that do have the capability to remain faithful and those are the ones that I truly envy. The security and the feeling that one gets just merely by looking at there partner is enough to make me cry because I know deep down that is an emotion very few get to witness let alone feel. Either way if you think long and hard about it, that is called the evolution of life, and that is what keeps the world going around.
If everyone on this hub were to make a pact and say, I will not cheat, I will remain faithful, I wont succumb to an affair and when I take my vows I will truly mean it with all my heart. I will be a better wife, I will be a better husband etc, regardless nothing in fairness will change, "WHY" because no matter what, there will always be infidelity just as there will always be monogamy. Realistically when we came into this world and as we were growing up and we ventured out into the world as adults and began experiencing relationships, women nor men came with instruction books if they had I think life as you put it would be a lot less complicated. For many though people fail to realize we make our own complications just as we create our own book of life.
I with all sincerity do hope that this has helped in some way or another. If not you then maybe someone else. As always I wish you and others on this hub all the best, In hopes that maybe one day we all will find that inner peace that we so much deserve. Until the next post,
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
Addressed to: ALL
For all those who continue to read my posts as well as my advice, I as I have stated before have offered my email address for anyone who may need it. I just as I am on this hub will continue to be cordial, up front, honest and fair. So in fairness I am posting my email address that was created solely for the purpose of communication, advice, venting or just genuinely communicating. It can be used for anyone who would like to utilize it, names and personal information is not needed, nor will I ever use it or ask for it, that is completely optional and up to you (the person speaking). In fairness just like this hub, I think a screen name will do and I with all sincerity offer this to everyone. I will continue to read this hub as well as post here, as I feel as if I belong, there are some great people on this hub and some I look forward to speaking with. Wishing everyone all the best.
Mysticrain11873@yahoo.com
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
Hey lonely you shouldnt mess around in someone elses yard,But men will promise anything to reach there objective and act really convincing as well.There is a trick to this though one you can try to test his love in a way that seperates you from her,He said he would leave his wife.make him put his money where his mouth is.Tell him since hes gonna do this let you hold on to all his MONEY if he agrees to this the chances are good that he will leave his wife for you but you have to live with yourself then.good luck
I am a Wife who's Husband is having an affair with. Do you women even understand the hurt you are causing not only us wives but our children? It hurts...we are not the B**** our husbands protray us as. We are the nothers-wives of men that pry on other women's affections. My Husbans is Bipolar w/Boarderline Personality Disorder...would this woman believe me, "No". My Husband has had numerous affairs, last count was over 13,...did this women believe me, "No". How and Why could you women hurt us wives and our children like this? I know my husband...and I also know that he is completely differant w/you women. I don't get the Flowers or the Beautiful Cards...I get the dirty clothes and the verbal abuse. Because of this heartless women I have filed for Divorce after 25 years of marriage and 3 awesome sons. Tell me who looses?...us wives do. Because you, as women, didn't have the heart to say, "Get Lost, ur Married".
Karen,
Thanks so much for your comment.
V
Thanks Veronica...Sorry for the mispelled words. Kinda hard to type from the Heart and watch your spelling too, lol.
Personally I have sat back and watched to see if anyone would post after the last comment, and shockingly no one has, so I beings that I have nothing to hide nor do I have any reason to be hurtful or crude felt that I would.
(Karen) despite anything over-all some of us other women are not all like the woman that your husband was having an affair with, nor (only I can speak for myself) am the one that caused the demise of your marriage. You stated he has done this numerous times, by your own words you stated the count was 13. In fairness stating your comment and more so asking, why don't we understand, I assure you when I did what I did, it was not because I was vindictive anymore than me waking up one day and saying GEE I think I will destroy a marriage today and in the process disrupt a stable environment for children, it was not like that nor will I ever view it that way.
When I started posting on this HUB, I was confused, scared and I feared what I myself felt in my own heart, I at the time had never made love to my "MM" which I think in the long run made it so much more easier for me to walk away, I did however kiss him, met in secret and shared conversations that I at the time should have been having with my own husband. does this make me a monster, "NO" do I have any regrets, "NO" did I knowingly want to disrupt his home life with his kids and family, "NO". I made a promise to myself and the more I followed this HUB it just sort of guided me a long in the search for what I needed to do. I to this day have elected not to be the go to girl after my "MM" had a fight with his wife. I will be honest though, does it still hurt "YES" do I still care "YES" will I go back "NO" and that was a choice I had to make up on my own and stick with it. Does he still call "YES" does he leave messages on my home phone, cell phone, work phone and on the Internet "YES" have I responded "NO".
For whatever reason, why women target us and label us as home wreckers and whores is beyond me. Just as you stated when you said "WE" are not the way our husbands portray us to be, well "WE" some of us are not the way that "YOU" The wives, or any others for that matter portray us to be. At best I have come to learn there are two sides to every story. Common sense wise it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to destroy it, whether it be from cheating, lying, or alcoholism or just plain physical or verbal abuse or at best a couple who has fallen out of love. Although you are hurting right now that is fully understanable. but to ask don't we understand, in fairness some of us do and then there are others that honestly just don't care. I however am one that does care.
I as I said before am not going to ask for forgiveness at least not from anyone on this HUB, the way I see it that is between GOD, myself and my husband, who by the way knows the truth as "I" have never once felt the need to lie to him. As for you though, if your last count was 13, that tells me there was a lot more going on in your marriage than you just venting because you decided to file for a divorce after 13 affairs.
When you come across others that this has happened to and there only recourse is to say that they stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids, that is a cop out and at best a lie, in fairness having an affair has nothing to do with the spouses home life nor does it have anything to do with the wellness of the children, these and those are adult problems and it regardless should be handled as such. I had to go back and realize why and what it was that attracted me to my "MM" and although there are still some legitimate reasons as to why I did what I did, it had nothing to do with his home life at all, it had everything to do with mine.
I accepted blame and took the responsibility as I sat up until 4am discussing this with my husband, I admitted my faults just as he did and "NOW" we both as a married couple and as a team are working on our marriage together. It is a slow moving process but none the less we are trying and I look back now and as paperwork for the divorce was being prepared, we came to the conclusion that if this was going to work it was going to take both of us, not just him and not just me.
I guess in fairness what I am trying to say is, whether you view me or anyone else that is having an affair that way that is your choosing not any one Else's. Venting is one thing but labeling all others is another, you asked, do we understand the hurt, "YES" I can say that I do, but in the same context can you understand mine? Through it all, just as you feel you have been lied to, there are many woman out there who have been lied to as well. My advice just don't categorize us all in the same context because just as I, "I" don't know your entire story just as no one knows all of mine... I wish you all the best and I none the less do hope someday that you will find that comfort and peace that you deserve and I sincerely hope that one day you wont hurt as much as what you are hurting now.
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
Mystic Rain, please reread my comment. I feel you took it out of context. Any woman, either single or married, has no right to destroy someones relationship. Yes, there is 2 sides to every story...but the story wouldn't even have begin if the woman/man had not started the affair. Every person has the right morally to say yes or no. It's the lust-the not knowing-the newness-the excitement of doing something you know isn't right. When Affairs start, neither party is thinking about who this effects....because honestly they don't care. I would give anything if we could go back to the days were, if a woman had an Affair they would have to display the letter "A". Do I sound Angry? I have every right to feel what I feel Mystic Rain. Because I'm the wife of the MM you decided to have an Affair with. I'm the one person you didn't think about when you were kissing-talking-emailing-meeting up with that MM. Now because of this Affair I'm the one who is on welfare while you 2 eat at a nice restaurant and get the-Flowers-Cards-Clothes ect ect ect. Now because of this Affair I see Daily the hurt it has caused my Children. Now because of this Affair I have to cry behind close doors so that my Sons don't see me upset and depressed. All I'm asking is please think before you act. Because what you don't see is the devastation you are causing to other peoples lives. If you don't believe me....then please come to my house and see what you have destroyed. Because your Affair w/my MM caused this. It's us wives that are stuck with the mess you 2 started. Thank You.
Dear Karen,
I have completely passed everyone elses comments, post - your comment. I find it really difficult to listen to you say "how can you women do this to me and my children" it makes me feel angry inside. Why do you automatically assume it is the women? Bar the condition that your husband has, (which i am very familiar with) why would someone be out to intentionally harm you or your children.. Really. Think about it? I can whole heartedly say that the majority of women would not follow through with the affair without the pure encourgament of the man.. Ok he will say that the wife doesnt have sex with him and that he is unhappy with you.. The wiser of us will know that that is bull. But the bottom line is... He is doing this, flirting/whatever... because he is not happy. The woman wants to make him happy because she really believes that she is making him happy and that she can in the future. There will be no personal vendetta aginst the wife. It is an honest, genuine belief, most of the time, that the woman having the affiar is the one to make that man happy.
And to all of the women that believe that it is the women who are the bitches/the traitors/the whores...
a) we do not know that your man is married, with child - don't automatically assum, its pitiful. A man without a ring, protesting he's single = single
b) if we know he is not single, we still don't want to harm you. Point being that he wouldn't be looking if he wasn't happy. My dad has never looked at another woman,in 35 yrs.
Basically, it is the man that makes us fall in love with him...
Dear Karen,
I have completely passed everyone elses comments, post - your comment. I find it really difficult to listen to you say "how can you women do this to me and my children" it makes me feel angry inside. Why do you automatically assume it is the women? Bar the condition that your husband has, (which i am very familiar with) why would someone be out to intentionally harm you or your children.. Really. Think about it? I can whole heartedly say that the majority of women would not follow through with the affair without the pure encourgament of the man.. Ok he will say that the wife doesnt have sex with him and that he is unhappy with you.. The wiser of us will know that that is bull. But the bottom line is... He is doing this, flirting/whatever... because he is not happy. The woman wants to make him happy because she really believes that she is making him happy and that she can in the future. There will be no personal vendetta aginst the wife. It is an honest, genuine belief, most of the time, that the woman having the affiar is the one to make that man happy.
And to all of the women that believe that it is the women who are the bitches/the traitors/the whores...
a) we do not know that your man is married, with child - don't automatically assum, its pitiful. A man without a ring, protesting he's single = single
b) if we know he is not single, we still don't want to harm you. Point being that he wouldn't be looking if he wasn't happy. My dad has never looked at another woman,in 35 yrs.
Basically, it is the man that makes us fall in love with him...
Take my mind off you- Your Right....in a way, sorry. But once the "woman" finds out he is married with or without children...END IT!!! The woman that is having the affair with my Husband is still with him. Infact she went w/him out of the State. He has lost our Truck-hasn't paid a dime on his credit cards ect ect. Now that my Husband has lost everything she is now "confused". Yeah Right...try listening to our youngest Son tell people that his Daddy left him and moved out of state. I don't care who started the affair....to me Both are at Fault. It takes 2....not 1. Clothes don't fall off of you. And if a woman is so nieve to falling for the typical excuse...I'm divorce-I'm seperated-my wife doesn't understand me. Then I have some Land in zimabaia that I'm selling real cheap. Their is no excuse to hurting innocent women and children.
Dear Veronica,
Reading what you said to that woman, gave me a bit of relief. My husband had an on-going affair for about a year, but it supposedly ended a few months ago. At the time we were married for 7 years and 2 kids, together for 9. We were High School sweethearts, he was my first love and still only. I left him for about 5 monts with the kids and came back to him. But, I keep telling myself I am making a big mistake. He tells me he loves me very much and regret everything he did with the other person. But, I feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I do love him, but I find myself crying everynight with the mental pictures of them in my head... Lonely, reminds me of the other person my husband had an affair with, she was a real pathetic loser with no self of respect for herself sleeping with a married man. She was also like Lonely calling me pitiful, clingy and dependent, but also added loser on top of that! If we are the pitiful,clingy, dependent one, what does that make you Lonely( it makes you a pitiful, clingy, sel-fish HOMEWRECKER)... Thank you Veronica, I don't think you were at all harsh towards Lonely! Dee
Dear Karen,
I fully understand where you are coming from and yes to a certain degree I do understand and can sympathize with your pain, although I am not you, so therefor I cannot say how you truly feel within your own heart.
There are no words for me to express what I have done, although my relationship with my "MM" went no further than just hugging, kissing and holding hands for me that was enough, but I also ended it, not because I hated him and not because I felt sorry for his wife, in fairness we never talked about our spouses, there was no need to, I (myself) ended it because when it came down to it, "I" was no more happier with him than I was with my husband, and when I realized what it was and what I needed and wanted, I missed my best friend, I missed my husband.
I in no way can apologize for what your estranged husband has done anymore than I can apologize for what the woman he is with has done. Do I feel bad for you, "YES" to a certain degree I do you got the short end of the stick and that is painfully obvious but regardless of what happened in your situation was not caused by me and for that in fairness you need to take it up with your ex. Case and point why I said I was not the whipping boy for all those who feel the need to resort to name calling, threats or anything else for that matter just because a spouse has elected to leave.
The reason why I said there are always two sides to every story is because in all honesty there is. I was in no way doubting you nor was I in any way mocking you. I do not take light of the situation that you are in nor do I take light of what my situation is. It was as you put it not my intention to take what you said out of context, I was just merely pointing out that not all of us women out there are the same. In retrospect I am not a cold heartless bitch nor would I ever categorize myself as such, I will however apologize if for anything that I said upset you or offended you in any way, that was not now or would it ever be my intention.
I meant what I said when I wished you the best, I would say that to anyone but the pain that you are feeling and the anger you feel is being directed at me and it is being done without cause and without reason, I am not the cause of the breakdown of your marriage although I do understand where your anger is coming from and I can only try and understand why you are so angry. I am just a woman who before it went to far got out and by doing so I was able to stand back and look from the outside in rather than looking from the inside out, it was then that I saw things a little more clearly and it wasn't long after when I realized where my heart was.
Admittance is a mother F***er and most don't like to admit there wrongs, well I am not like all other women, I have admitted my wrongs. I to have feelings and just as you this to for me is a sensitive subject. I pity any man who (chooses) whether to stay in the marriage or opts to get out neglects his responsibilities as far as children and support go, in my opinion that is cowardly and that is not a man. Watching a woman go from being a soccer mom to a welfare mom is not fair nor is it right, so with that I fully understand. To say that I can come by the house and see for myself what I have caused, I have caused nothing to you, in fairness why on earth would you even think to say that to me, you however might want to say that to your ex or his mistress. Your anger, frustration, hurt and tears are all justified "You are human" just as I and everyone else on this hub and as I have stated before everyone is entitled to there opinions, just as you and just as me have equally expressed our opinions.
I when I addressed you was trying to be as fragile as I could with the type of verbiage I was using but blaming me or any other woman who has had an affair or who was on the verge of having an affair (which is what mine was) that is not right either. You have the right to be angry, but in fairness be angry at the source not at the women you think did this to you. I assure you when an affair gets started it is not as if there is an application process you go through and sadly a lot of women fall for the lies and bullshit they feed us, I know because I at one time gobbled it up only I was able to get away before I let it go any further and seriously I was not looking forward to putting on the knee high boots so that I could walk around in all the shit he was feeding me.
Men are great liars just as women are depending on what it is that they want, they play the game of house and when emotions come into play things change and it is then that it becomes one big bullshit party. To want to go back and label women with the letter A that is a tad bit harsh only in the sense, that a lot of women out there did not or do not know some of the men were or are married and those that did know, I do agree somewhat with you but that is mainly for there own self gratification and selfishness, but just as you said it takes two to start an affair, well that is the same thing for the demise of a marriage it takes two to break it down.
I did go back and re-read what it was that you wrote just as I am sure you re-read what I wrote. Interpretation, regardless of what is being said people naturally will interpret things as they want to and as they see fit. I in my heart feel better now that I am out of the situation I was in but it also took a lot of reading and guidance from this HUB that helped me, I can only hope one day that you to can say that it helped you.
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
Mystic Rain, Thank you for your statement. I do understand...what I don't understand is when women continue the affair after they have found out that this MM has lied to them. Help me understand this, plz. Yes, I do hurt all the time. I can't funtion-I can't sleep and right now I'm crying, as I write you, like an over grown baby. I'm so tired of hurting. Mystic Rain as much as you would like to believe...I DID NOTHING WRONG. I have done nothing in the 25 years we have been together but bend over backwards in this marriage. I didn't deserve this...I didn't. July 3rd will be our 23 Anniversary, and i'm already dreading it. Our taxes on the house are dued and I don't have the $1200.00 to pay it. Me and the Boys are on Food Stamps and I'm on SSD...which by the way isn't much. It's been over 2 months since my Husband has given us a dime. Supposedly the Divorce Papers were being sent out last week. By the way i'm having to go through Legal Aid for this Divorce, which scares me because he refuses to file and I didn't have the money to pay a Divorce Attorney. I think i'll finish my crying. I just want the women out there that are having an affair w/a MM or even thinking about it....to STOP and THINK, please. You have no idea the pain-hurt your causing innocent people.
It seems that a lot of what the "other women" are saying is that their married man isn't like "all the others." Of course they are. They're MARRIED. I know that men who want to cheat on their wives will lie to the women they're pursuing, but if you pay enough attention, married men act married. There is always something about them that doesn't seem "quite right." I find that the "other women" are probably making excuses because they like the attention.
I have been pursued by married men. If a man cannot, or will not, be open with me about his life and friends, he's hiding something. No matter how "sweet," or "gentle" or "loving" they may be, they're hiding something and he's lieing. I have let them go.
I'd rather be single that strung along and "hope" that a married man would leave his wife for me. I deserve a straight up honest man. And I have one.
I'm in a committed relationship right now. But before we committed to each other, I told him flat out that if he wanted to fuck around he was more than welcomed to. Just don't come back to me, because I WILL find out, and HE will be the one to blame, not the other woman. Place the responsibility on the person who should own it. He also said the same thing back to me. We have both been burned by cheating partners. And I think that due to our past, our honesty with each other, and the fact that we work on our relationship is why he knows I won't cheat, and I know he won't cheat.
And I'm dead serious about leaving him if I find out. I won't lie and I won't say it won't hurt. Of course it will hurt. Of course there will be a lot of pain. But what I have learned from the last relationship on how to end it is to cut off ALL CONTACT. Period. And then move on. Do what I needed to do to heal my own hurt and pain - therapy, friends, hobbies. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
Dear Karen,
I truly apologize for the hurt that you are feeling, more so for the tears that you have cried during this unfortunate turn of events in your life. I honestly wish I could tell you why women as well as men do some of the things they do, but in fairness I learned along time ago in Psychology class to never ask "WHY" because you will never get the answer that you would like to hear.
I think for me and why I did what I did was because at the time my husband and I somehow and somewhere lost all communication with one another, my best friend became my confidant and in turn I did begin to have feelings for him. Then one day after reading this HUB reality set in, and what I needed and what I wanted most was my best friend/my husband back, so for lack of better words, I cut off all ties and elected to walk away. I then became focused on what was important to me, which was my family.
I am not perfect nor will I ever claim to be, and as honestly as I am sitting here, I am in tears not because of what I have done but because of the pain and hurt you feel within your own heart. I wish I could tell you why, but I can't and as I sit and write a part of me wishes that I could take your hurt away because what you have wrote truly did effect me. I growing up was witness to numerous affairs that my father had on my mother and after 18 years my mother opted to leave, honestly I was happier for her because although she was hurting over time she seemed so much more happier. I was 17 when they divorced and when I look back it seems like it was yesterday. My father would come to drop off child support and ultimately he would start a fight and then leave, it was that time my mother had to ask help from the state, so with that I do understand.
Subsequently, my father told me that if I was going to have a relationship with my mother then he would not have one with me, well I am 35 now and I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old who he has never seen or met, his last words to me were "I was dead to him" it to this day still hurts only because as a child I could not for the life of me figure out what I could have done that was so bad for him (my own father) to hate me as much as he does. I struggle with it but I also know in my heart if nothing else it made me a stronger parent.
I went into nursing to help others, that is my job and I handle it with the utmost grace and sincerity, I hurt when others hurt and I cry just as much as anyone else, then I found myself losing sight of who I was and what my purpose was, I in no way wanted to be the blame for breaking up a marriage and as difficult as it is for me to say this, I still care but for me it wasn't worth losing what I would have lost in the end. I pride myself on being open and honest I can't apologize for all the women out there but I can accept responsibility for what I have done and move on.
I am sorry that he (your husband) has left you in such a position to resort to what you have had to and I can only hope and pray that in time it does get better for you and your kids. You will be in my thoughts and prayers on July 3rd as I know it will be a trying day for you. As you go through the legal process I can only hope that "he" your husband will wake up one day and see and realize what he stands to lose. Forgiveness for some is a hard pill to swallow the pride alone will eat you up, but karma essentially what comes around goes around and in the end I have no doubt that you will be a stronger woman for having dealt with all you have been handed to deal with, I agree though a lot of people out there don't deserve this, and that includes you as well. I now that I have finished writing this do hope that it finds you well and I again can only pray that the hurt you feel now will not be the hurt you will feel in the days, months and years to come. In time I truly wish you nothing but happiness...
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
Mystic Rain...."Thank You"!!!!!
Dear Karen,
You are most welcome !!!!
The married person having an affair is generally a sociopath who cares for no one other than themselves. A few can't help themselves and a few could care less. It's like everyone said to me in the beginning...run...run now...and do not look back...you will be hurt...you are hurting others by what you're doing...the only one not hurt is the person who instigated it in the first place, because they care about no one other than their own narcisstic selves.... I feel the most sorry for their spouses. For them I believe they will get caught sooner or later and if not, what goes around comes around and they will end up miserable. This is an excellent topic here and I hope more will write. I am trying to run myself right now.
I keep getting sucked back in like the idot I am and feel like the craziest person on the planet. I can't think straight anymore and was messed up by a person in power who ruined my soul. I feel as though I will have no feelings for anyone ever again. I can't trust anyone at all. I can't trust myself either so how can I trust anyone...good luck to all here and if I could give you hugs and tell you it too will pass maybe that would help.
After the honeymoon period is over some men start to look eleswhere to rekindle that "honeymoon" feeling. Different conversations a smell of different perfume and a new sexual partner who may be a bit more adventurous than their current wife. They can be flattering and charming but are well versed in lies and deceipt so before you are taken in heed the words of the prophet-"Every man loves two women,the one is the creation of his imagination and the other has yet to be born" If deceipt is in his make up you will only be good enough until another tempting situation appears on the horizion and then you become another casualty of his ego The question that Carter asks Edward in the film the "Bucket Life" is a good question to ask yourself if you are engaged in an relationship with a married man- "Have you found joy in your life"-and-"Have you brought joy to others in your life" on the evidence of previous posts most probably the answer will be a double "no". Think about it.
Correction to above post. The film is "The Bucket List" .
Spectrum,
Wow, this was really a thought provoking, meaningful comment. The Bucket List quote is fantastic.
" If deceipt is in his make up you will only be good enough until another tempting situation appears "
That line is powerful, it succinctly states one of the things I was trying to express in my HUB. I am going to quote you on that.
Thanks!
Veronica
HELLO ALL....... MY NAME IS JESS I JUST CAME ACROSS THIS SIGHT AND IM 19 YEARS OLD AND IM IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN... YOU SEE I WAS VERY YOUNG WHEN I FIRST STARED TO LIKE HIM AND HE WAS IN HIS 40S AND HE IS MARRIED WITH KIDS BUT HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT BEING MARRIED .. I FOUND OUT ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO FROM HIS SISTER WHEN I TRYED TO FIND HIS NUMBER TO CALL HIM AFTER HE GOT HURT AND WAS OUT OF WORK FOR AWHILE SO HE JUST LEFT FROM WORK TO THE HOSPITAL AND NEVER CAME BACK TO WORK SO I TRYED TO FIND OUT HIS NUMBER AND CRAP CUZ WE ONLY SAW EACHOTHER WHEN HE WAQS WORKING ... ME AND HIM MADE OUT ALOT AND WROTE LETTERS ECT.. NEVER HAD SEX CUZ I WAS UNDER THE AGE OF 18 AND THIS HAS BEEN AN ON GOING AFFAIR FOR A FEW YEARS.. NOW ITS BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE IVE TALKED TO HIM I HAVE SEEN HIM AROUND LIKE HE CAME INTO MY JOB BUT I RAN AWAY CRYING... I MISS HIM SOOO MUCH THA I CANT MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE I LOOK AT HIS PICS ALL THE TIME AND I THINK OF HOW HE SAID HE WOULD SPEND TIME WITH ME WHEN I TURN 18 .. WELL HERE IM GONNA BE 19 IN 3 WEEKS AND STILL NOTHING.. I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED AND IF I HAD KNEW I WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WITH HIM!! NOW HE WAS THE FIRST AND ONLY GUY I HAVE LOVED AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT IVE WANTED AND I TRY SOO MUCH BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO MAKE ME MOVE ON.. MY HEART KEEPS TELLING ME DONT LET GO.. I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERYNIGHT AND IM JUST A MESS I CANT REALLY TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS AND THE PEOPLE THAT I DO JUST TELL ME TO GET OVER IT HE WAS JUST USEING U BUT I DO BELIEVE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE THATS WHY I FIND IT HARD TO LET HIM GO.. AND ALSO LIKE I SAID I WAS AS YOUNG AS 14 AND SO HE WAS LIKE THE ONLY MAN I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT SEXUALY AND NOW WHEN I THINK OF HIM IN THAT WAY I CRY SO NOW I CANT EVEN MASTURBAT SORRY ABOUT WHAT IM SAYIN BUT I NEED ADVICE ANYWAY WHEN IM DONE I BRAKE DOWN AND CRY CUS I JUST CANT SEEM TO STOP THINKING OF HIM WHEN I DO THAT.. I WOULD DIE FOR THIS MAN I TRUELY LOVE HIM.. IVE TRYED TO GET IN CONTACT WITH HIM BUT NO GO AND WHEN I RUN INTO HIM AROUND TOWN I RUN!! WHY?? I NEED TO KNOW! I REALLY NEED SOME GOOD ADVICE .. HE WAS MY ONLY LOVE AND HE CONFUSES ME SOOO MUCH HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL FOR HIM BUT HE NEVER TOLD ME HOW HE FEELS FOR ME.... I FAKE A SMILE WHEN IM AROUNF FAMILY AND FRIENDS BUT WHEN IM ALONE IN MY BEDROOM ( LIKE RIGHT NOW) IM CRYING IM TIRED OF CRYIN IM TIRED OF HURTIN!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!! THANKS
Hey did anyone see Dr Phil today? LESS THAN 5% of all relationships/marriages that started out as affairs surive.
Yes, I caught that. I don't watch Dr. Phil every day, I was glad I caught this one.
It was really a show about Cougars, but Dr. Phil was talking about simple facts that we know from statistics, and that was one of them.
Thanks for posting it.
Miss Jess...
I can say that I completely, 100% undertsand where you are coming from.. I met my married man when I was 15... difference being that I knew he was married. Still, I was 15.. and the first time that I met him, my hormones and everything went into overload.. I started to fantasise about this guy, twice my age., every day, all the time.. There was that undeniable attraction, A few social events later and we began e-mailing... Then babysitting, then texting... then kissing and cuddling... and still to this day... no sex... I'm 21.. It is bizarre why it stays this long... why do they keep it up? We personally will think.. " well its obviously not about the sex, they really like me" Maybe so.. but I think its unlikely... I think they get the kick out of having a teen lusting after them.. Your MM will love it.. As i know mine does... I've played the wiser guy and ignored him.. distracted myself with my degree. And the effect? Well, he wants more more more. This is difficult though, I've only been able to do this because I really have detached myself from him... and I believe that every other woman can.. its about independance... taking yourself out of that frame of mind... Its not impossible... even when you are in love.
Now... I am friends with MM, knowing that he wants me and can't have me empowers me.. Jess, you are the baby.. with your whole life ahead of you.. What does he have? He has three little children who adore him.. You dont need him and you don't need to wreck his family to satisfy yourself.. You are better than that. It hurts, but just remember that you are only his toy. He plays with you for fun ok. To keep him happy in his marriage.. To keep him distracted from the fact that he's attatched for life with a wife and kids.
He's never going to leave you for his wife...no matter how many people you ask or how many blogs you read. And do you really want that. Do you REALLY want to settle for HIM? The man with a kid and wife, at 19??
Since my MM, i have compared every other guy with him.. I mean Every guy.. thats because i was young an naive and he was my God! He was the first person I made out with etc.. and no one, even to this day has compared with him... But thats cuz he's a pro... obviously is going to know what hes doing.. Its not love though, its just natural.. You would have this with your first boyfriend..
Keep in touch, H x
I DONT KNOW UR NAME BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENT..
IM TRYING TO LET HIM GO... IVE HAD FAMILY TELL ME HE WAS JUST USEIN ME ETC.. BUT I NEVER LISTENED BUT AFTER FINDING THIS SIGHT AND READING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING THO AND WHAT HAS CAME FROM THIS I NOW FEEL IN MY HEART I WAS JUST HIS TOY........ ALTHO I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM IN SOMEWAY BECAUSE HE WAS MY FIRST LOVE AND HE WAS THERE FOR ME ME WHEN NOBODY ELSE WAS.. BUT I KNOW NO ITS TIME TO LET GO ... I WAS YOUNG AND I DID NOT KNOW ANY BETTER I REALLY THOUGHT HE LIKED ME.. I USETO WRITE HIM LETTERS EVERYDAY AND I DID THA ON MY COMPUTER AND I HAVE PICTURES OF HIM AND THE LETTERS SAVED THERES GOTTA BE OVER 200 LETTERS BUT I JUST CANT SEEM TO BRING MYSELF TO DELETE THEM... NOT ONLY THAT AFTER I CALLED HIS SISTER I THOUGHT IT WAS HIS NUMBER HIS SISTER TOLD ME I JUST CALLED MY BROTHER AND HE SAID "OH JESS YEAH SHE IS MY STALKER" AND HE HAS CALLED THE COPS ON ME A FEW TIMES .. ITS LIKE HE ONLY WANTS ME AROUND WHEN HE WANTS ME BUT WHEN I WANNA BE NEAR HIM HE CALLS THE COPS... NOW HE WAS MY MAILMAN SO WE ONLY SEEN EACHOTHER WHEN HE WAS WORKING AND THAT WAS LIKE EVERYDAY AND MY HEART WOULD MELT WHEN I SAW HIM WALKING TO MY HOUSE THIS MAN HAS SEEN MORE OF ME THEN ANY OF MY BOYFRIENDS I TOLD HIM MY MOST DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS I TRUSTED HIM WITH MY LIFE... FOR LIKE 6 YEARS THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON AND I PRAY THAT HE WILL LOVE ME... BUT NOW I DONT THINK I WANT HIM CUZ I DONT WANT TO BE THE REASON WHY HIS MARRIGE FAILS... HE REALLY DID SOME DAMAGE TO ME HE DONT EVEN HAVE A CLUE ...I TRYED TO STOP IT YEARS AGO BUT I JUST KEEP FALLING FOR HIM MORE.... I WANT TO LET GO IM ONLY 19 YEARS OLD AND I FIND MYSELF CRYING AND JUST WANTING TO SLEEP ALL DAY.... IM A VERY LONLY GIRL I HAVE LIKE 3 FRIENDS ON A GOOD DAY IF THEY ARE NOT DRUNK OR HIGH LOL... I WAS ALWAYS A LONER AND I THOUGHT THAT HEY I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME YA KNOW?? WHEN I MAKE OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEDS I CANT HELP BUT TO FANTASIES OF HIM IM SINGLE AS OF RIGHT NOW .. I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP I HAVE DATED LOTS OF GUYS AND THEY NEVER LASTED MORE THEN 2 MONTHS AND WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT THAT I WAS IN LOVE IT BLEW ME AWAY.. NO IM CRUSED....... BUT IM SO STUPID THAT IF HE WAS TO BE ALONE WITH ME RIGHT NOW I WOULD FALL INTO HIS TRAPS AGAIN........ IM JUST SOO CONFUSED!!!
another excellente article Veronica.. and responses.. i had to take my time with this one.. :) brilliant stuff !!.. id like to share my views on this subject.. i feel alot of the time women get involved with married men (and vica versa) is because they either consciously or subconsciously have commitment phobia.. they are afraid to be with ppl who are attainable.. and available.. and this just repeats itself over and over.. i also think one of the biggest reasons men leave their wives (speaking from experience here) is sex.. pure and simple.. lack of or absence of sexual relations are real reasons a man will wave goodbye to his marriage ... i was involved with a much older man and he decided to leave his wife of 18 years because she wouldnt warm up to him.. it was very messy and we soon discovered that it wasnt working out.. lasting a total of 4 years.. we both got involved coz of all the wrong reasons.. but i do not place blame on his wife here.. God knows what she must of been going thru leading up to the split.. i never take only one side of the story.. esp in marriages.. after being together for a while i could see he was very dominant .. and was going thru his midlife crisis.. he treated me like a a lil girl..a possession and sumthing to show off to all his friends for a while.. and i wanted more than what he could give me.. needless to say.. i have woken up.. but the question is have they? thx again Veronica.. :)
God Veronica, you really get the comments don't you?
No kidding...I hadn't realized how long ago this was actually written until I saw the size of my scrollbar! Well worth the read though...you really struck a chord with a lot of people on this hub. Well done!
Besides being hugely popular, your original and subsequent advice was right on target. A Dear Abby for the 21st century :)
And because of my gender...of course I have my own story to add ;)
I was 21...he was 31, to the day. I was young...and hearing him say "we were meant to be together...see...we even share the same birthday!" sent my poor gullible heart into a little pitty-pat dance of joy.
Luckily, I managed to smack my face really hard before the emotional ties became very deep. I wanted him for only two reasons...which is pretty typical of being in what I call "the selfish twenties"...sex (duh!) and because life was always so exciting with him. He knew people, knew where to dine, was talented beyond belief and oozed of charisma. However, when he said he loved me and would leave his wife for me...I snorted and asked him why on earth would I ever settle for a man that cheats on his wife? Pretty damn cold, yeah? But he'd earned the title.
To my dismay however, I realized I was a terrible mistress. Oh...no not THAT...he never complained about the sex. No...I just didn't quite get the concept of being a homewrecker. I happened to meet his wife at a social event and....I realized I LIKED her. I would volunteer to babysit the kids so the two of them would go out...have some fun...you wild crazy kids. Of course he'd throw me these looks that screamed..."What are you doing to me?!! I want to be with you....are you nuts?" And i'd just smile as I shut the front door in his face, giving his wife a smile at her grateful look...
I'd stay over for long weekends...help with the kids, cook meals with the two of them...I even helped to re-design a greenhouse garden for their house! What a mistress huh? And the guilt...was...killing...me. We were by this point into year three of this affair. And the wife still didn't know. Oh, she suspected all right...even came to me for advice because I was so close to both of them. Just lay another few hundred pounds of guilt with that lie...
Eventually she did find out. And oh...how she hated me. I didn't blame her one bit and after the best apology I could muster...I slunk off in shame and decided the nicest thing I could do for her would be to leave her be...
Her husband it seems had left both of us...and took off with some tramp from New York. The hussey! :)
I knew at the time it was probably the best thing he ever could have done for us...but I couldn't tell his wife that. She had to figure it out on her own...she had more to deal with because of me.
After a year, I get a phone call...and it's her. I'll never forget what she said...
"I was so angry with you...not because of what you did, but because of the lies. I could never have suspected you...because of all you tried to do for us. What kind of woman has an affair and does things like that??!! And now, it's been a year and today I realized that I don't miss him. But I miss you..."
The only way she could answer her own question regarding "what kind of woman..." was to change my title. My friend decided that henceforth I would not be known as her husband's mistress....I had been his concubine.
And that...is my tale.
spryte
CJStone, yeah, I've been lucky and grateful.
Well, Spryte, that tale is a unique one. I almost hope you and the former wife were able to find a way to be friendly again. I'm not surprised at all that he had another mistress.
Thanks for sharing.
XOXO
Veronica:
We actually did become good friends. She always received great pleasure out of introducing me to people as her ex-husband's concubine. :)
Hello everyone here.....I would love to share my story without insults....In 1988 I was a divorced woman of 8 years raising 3 children, my first marriage was abusive so instead of dating I just had male friends, not sex friends, just good male companions that I enjoyed doing things with. One night I met this guy and for the first time I heard words that just melted my heart. You see every time I would go out with friends I would have guys come up and say, "You are the best looking woman in here," that always turned me off, but on this night the guy said, "You remind me of a bird with a broken wing, you've been hurt by someone in your life so have I, I know how you feel", for the first time someone saw my heart and not my looks, I was so excited, wow someone finally saw ME. After 3 months of dating he asked me to marry him, you see I was not the kind of woman who would sleep around so we had not had sex, I believe that is for marriage as you can give anybody anything in this life but your body is a GIFT and it should be a gift for that special man/woman in your life its something you don't share with just anyone....that is my opinion and I don't judge those who feel differently...anyway my soon to be husband believed the same. See he had been married too, prior to me and his first wife cheated on him and the pain was devastating, it nearly destroyed him he said and would never, could never do that to someone. A man of integrity, self respect, self worth, finally a really decent guy....I was so happy....Well we got married, bought property, started our own company and life moved forward.....Oh yeah 1 thing did come up, when we moved I found some letters to him from his first wife that he had hidden and like a snoop I read them, my surprise, she asked why he needed other women during their marriage? Of course I hit on that immediately and he told me he told her that after they were divorced two years he said it to hurt her like she had hurt him, this is coming from a mature 36 year old man, I myself was 31, I thought he was a little old to be playing games so I called the ex wife, she told me that she had suspected that he might have cheated after she did and to clear her own quilt she hounded him until he finally said he had, but she didn't really think he had....so guess what, as a loving wife I let it go....8 months into our marriage, I caught my husband looking a another woman on one of our job sites, my gut immediately went into a knot, the look they shared told a story and I wanted to know the ending...I hit him with questions like no bodies business and he told me how he loved me and would never think of doing anything to jeopardize our marriage, I was just the best thing that ever happened to him...all of a sudden she was off the job site, but I tracked her down, not to be mean but to talk to her woman to woman...if something did happen between her and my husband I just needed to know because it greatly affects my life, she assured me that nothing ever happened they just talked a little during work, but that he loved me and just bragged about me all the time. Of course I believed her, why would she lie to me? Life moved on, kids, job, house, vacations, holidays, things were normal, my husband and I had a good sex life, we communicated well of course we had our arguments about money, kids, work etc....but thats just life. I heard the words "I Love You" all the time. When we would hear about a friend or co worker having an affair we would always talk about how we would never do that to each other, I was secure in my marriage. Two days before my 18 year anniversary I retrieved a cell phone call off of my husbands work phone, I never listened to my husbands cell phone messages or looked at his emails, I never had reason to suspect that I should spy on him, he's my husband I trusted him, but this message opened up a whole new world for me. It was a message from his 9 year girlfriend. My husband and I owned a construction company and he would travel to do projects, I would go and help when I could but I had projects that I ran to so it wasn't always easy for me to get away, I truly believed that we had a very open and honest relationship. He was very good at having a duel life. When I spoke with his girlfriend, she told me about other women before her, one that was 3 years and so on, I was SHOCKED, how could he have done this without me knowing something. Well now I got down to business real fast, I found out that my husband was going to adult book store to masterbate, paying for prostitues, having one night stands when I was out of town, ect....OMG...what a night mare....but here is one thing that really threw me, was his girlfriend lived here, nearby for 3 years than moved away and would fly in about every 3 or 4 months to have sex with him a couple of days and she seriously thought he was being faithful to her, because they were best friends, everytime they had sex he had to use porn and she thought that was alright, he told her we didn't have sex, I was a bitch, he regretted marrying me, all the crap that men will say to get someone to let them be used. She told me that she was not in love with my husband, they were just best friends, I don't believe it, what do you think? She said that during their 9 year relationship NO BODY GOT HURT, well guess again, it hurt me, it hurt 3 kids and than 6 grandkids and she HURT herself, of course she says she got hurt long before it was discovered, but if she wasn't in love with him why did she get hurt? They went to dinner 3 times in that 9 years, they spent only maybe 7 or 8 nights together, he never took her anywhere or bought her anything according to her, why did she stay for so long? They talked Monday thru Friday on the phone for about 20 minutes a day, why would she settle for so little? I truly am not mad at her, I feel sorry for her and all of the other women my husband used. It was his choice to behave in the manner he did, it was his decision to lie to me and about me. Ladies we have to stop blaming each other and start talking to each other, you see if his first wife or the employee, which both turned out to be true would of only told me the truth my life could have been different, I could have made different choices, but I was bound by a committment I made to be faithful and true, I loved my husband and worked very hard building our life together. If only someone would have told me the truth. His girlfriend of 9 years told me she drove by our house 5 or 6 times, I live on 40 acres and its a long private drive, Why didn't she just come to the door and tell me? She told me she went down and talked to his first wife, that her and her best friend use to sit and talk about how funny it would be for my husband to walk in from work and catch them talking to me at my table. Why didn't she? She told me that my husband and her use to fight all the time and she knew he was a liar but she believed the lies about me!!! Anyway ladies, there are men out there that are SEX ADDICTS and they use and abuse women all the time, there were over 50 women in my 18 year marriage. He was so good at his duel life that I didn't know, his mistress didn't know, friends didn't know, its amazing and scarey....Have you heard of SCOTT PETERSON? I believe he is a sex addict....Please Please Please, if your going to break it off with the MM, let his wife know....set her free....don't let her sit one more day not knowing her life, maybe her husband your MM is a sex addict to, I know this is hard to believe but research it on the net, go to www.sexaddict.com and read. Ladies don't let anyone use you, your all beautiful women and daughters of GOD, you all deserve to be loved and you all deserve to be protect
I am finding this site to be "fascinating". I am a wife with a husband who had an affair for 3-4 years, off and on. But here is the thing...my husband's "girlfriend" decided to come to my home to let me know. I think she thought that my husband would end up with her after she did it...well, instead he just drug out the affair and our marriage...but I think she's very unstable because she would call me, blocking her number and hang up on me and then finally one day she called me and I picked up and we talked...or I was rather rude and she was rather pathetic. I finally left my home and moved with our children but ended up pregnant, because even though he may not have broken it off with her, he and I were still involved...our sex life was still there...after the baby I decided I would try again, it seemed the right thing to do, but then I found contact between the two and its really moving to the point where its not worth it for me to try. Do I think he'll be happy with her? No. He might try it for a while but I did not live in my home for almost a year and he never moved her in, didn't bring her around his family (mostly because he knows they will literally kick her ass...my inlaws are not happy with him over all of this)...I guess my real question is, when someone is married why get involved? What is the attraction? My husband is hispanic and this is very common so I am not sure why she would think she was special regardless of what he may have said...if someone doesn't leave their spouse before they get involved with you most likely it will take the spouse kicking them out for the marriage to end and many spouses don't end the marriage. I sympathyze for many of you women who are talking about your mm's because you seem to be really hurt but how could you believe a married man to begin with? It seems like the word married would wave a big red flag? As the wife, I think I was entitled to believe my husband loved me and cared for me but I guess I don't think his girlfriend had that right. And its wrong. They both had a responsibility. Not just him and not just her. But I do agree he had more of one to me. He married me, stood in front of our family and friends and said the words...no one forced him...honestly, I don't have a lot of respect for my husband at this time and if I am his wife and I don't respect him how can the other woman respect him and have herself convinced that he's worth all the pain and drama and ugliness? Some men just like to have their cake and eat it too and I guess it doesn't bother them who they hurt i the process...and when I say that, I am not talking about the other woman, but the kids, the family surrounding them, the wife...its very damaging and I hope every day that my girls grow up strong and proud and don't remember this as they are young...I ask my husband, is this what you want your daughter's husbands to do to them and he gets very silent...
Help I need some strength and advice from all of you out there with clear heads. I met a wonderful man about one year ago. Very attentive and caring, very physical. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven - somewhere I suspect I will never now see. He told me he was separated from his wife of 23 years and had started divorce proceedings. I stayed around his place for wild nights of passion. He spent time during the day/evening with his two kids but said his relationship with his wife was over. Then after about 6 months he said that his wife was not coping financially. She had recenty converted the garage in the family home into a self contained apartment, but had been unable to find tenants to rent it to. So the logical answer - he stops renting his place and moves into her garage! Since then I see him when it suits him. He has become far more distant. He has never introduced me to his friends. We have never been out as a couple with anyone else. I feel that I have gone from being a lover to being a mistress without even realising, becaue he was definitely living a single life when we met. I truly believe that his relationship with his wife is all but dead. I have been around to his place once when she was out so I am fairly sure they are not sharing a marital home or bed. He is now talking about getting his own place again - maybe by Christmas. But will it ever happen? and how long do I hold out waiting for things to change? Neither of us are happy with what we have left. We have tried at least four times to end things but just cannot seem to do without each other. Our latest two months break ended this weekend with a evening of wonderful sex. The fact that he has tried to end it makes me think that he is not just a heartless user but really sees and cares about the pain all of us are going through. Am I just being naive and hiding my head in the sand? Should I give this man time or the elbow?
girlwithnobrain.
Wow, maybe you should read your post, its quite obvious that you need to break it off again, and final. If the guy wanted you, he would commit to you, no matter what. If you are really uncertain about what he wants and what his living circumstances are then ask him. He know the truth, nobody on here knows.
Ask him to meet him wife, maybe meet his kids, ask ask ask. that is the only way you will know. But from my experience, let him go, and move on, how many times are you going to beat the dead horse before you realize your wasting your time.
PS. wonderful sex is fun, but you obviously need more than that, I suggest telling him to pick, RIGHT NOW, if he cant decide, then its over,
Why do people do this to themselves, if you cannot be yourself, or trust your spouse, then you were not meant to be and move on.
I wasted five years of my life with a married man, who of course, never left his wife. I'd go into details, but what for? Read above. My story is as cliche as the next. At the end, we were having the typical phone conversation i.e. "Give me time," etc., etc. I hung up the phone and never spoke to him again. I've never responded to his calls, emails, or texts again. To those of you who feel that you JUST CAN'T LET GO, you will eventually, you'll get sick of waiting and hoping that your circumstances will be different...special, and when you do let go you will again feel strength and contentment.
Girlwithnobrain,
You aren't around when the wife is so you really don't know that they aren't "sharing a marital home or bed"...trust me on this one. Besides, even if they aren't but he's not going to bring you out in public, let the kids know you or his friends, well...that means all those people know his wife and that she's his wife regardless of their problems. My husband and I have been up and down and back and forth and our friends and family know this and accept it...he never brought his girlfriend around, even after I moved out of our family home...well, he did in secret...but is that all you want to be? Someone's secret? For your sake, for the wife and children's sake, leave town and change all your numbers and meet someone who is there for YOU and no one else...you can see my story up above so that will let you know that regardless of what the husband is saying to you...he's saying a whole different story to the wife...I am a wife, I know, besides all sex is fun...even when you know that all isn't right...and sex doesn't build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. He can't fully respect a woman who let's him come and go and keep her a secret and you can't fully respect him when you know he has a wife and is lying and cheating all the time....or so I hope....
Girlwithnobrain; You do have a brain and it is talking to you. What you are doing is wrong. Once he is divorced than let him in, not before. He might be the most charming, loving, kind man in the world but he is not being kind to his family is he? Didn't he give vows, promise, to love, honor and cherish someone else once? Is he a man of his word? I know your heart is telling you one thing and your brain is telling you something else, listen to your brain, it will save you so much heart ache and it will save others heart ache to. I would bet if you talked to his wife you would hear a completely different story. Let me just ask you one question, How would you feel if you were his wife and this was happening to you? Put yourself in her shoes, than make up your mind on whether to stay or go. Never end an affair mutually with your affair partner, it will not work. You have to get strong and you have to set your boundaries and than stick to them. Don't let someone use you. You are worth more than that, your a beautiful person don't let some man destroy you....Trust me, its not what he is making it seem like....Best of Luck
wow, veronica! I'm ready for a nap! I started reading this 45 minutes ago, and am not even half way finished!
loved your hub! I will withhold my thoughts until I can take half a day to get through all the posts lol,,,,,,,
Thanks for sharing,
Trish
Wow!! Thanks for your hub!! I am in a very similar situation, but it is just starting. A couple of months ago, this guy from work started comming to my office to have friendly chats sharing information about the company and all that kind of stuff. I am single; he is not. What made an impression on me was that he started by "sharing" with me his personal problems with his wife. He started telling me that he was not really in love when he got married, that he was still with his wife because of his daughters and that was it. He even told me that he has mentioned to his wife that it would make him really happy if she could find someone else who really loves her!!!!! Well, things kept going the same way until lately that I realized that he was looking at me in a different way. I am a very clueless person and hadn't realized about it until my new assistant started making fun of him trying to get my attention always. After that, I started developing a strong attraction toward him, but I am trying to restrain myself. Thanks for this hub because it's exactly what I needed to convince myself that this relationship doesn't have a chance to succeed. Though I cannot deny that I like him a lot, he is so hot and handsome and makes me feel special, but I have to say it's all about my own ego.
Hi there,
I'm the wife, and my husband is having an affair now for 2 months. We have been married for 18 yrs, and have one child 7 yrs old.He moved out to find himself, hes 41 and SHE is 22, she has two children with another man. they live together in a travel trailer. I live in our beautiful 4 bedroom home, they have no money, I get all of his. yes its hard, and at times I want him back, but after reading all thes comments I must be crazy. but for now I will continue to get the money, and live in my beautiful home with MY Daughter, and look at him in a different way from now on, because I am a good person, I am a good wife, and I do not deserve to be put through this. and neither does my Daughter.
I will get through this without him, and when my Daughter turns 18 and moves out I will then look for my soulmate, until then he comes to see us, I am polite and nice, and caring, but he knows he must leave at night to go be with HER. More power to him. Im laughing all the way to the bank!
Never Trust a Married man and an Unmarried women.
I haven't read every post here but skimmed through most of them. My husband died two years ago at an early age of 50 - very unexpectedly. Truthfully, we really had not had a loving marriage for 10 years or so. No intimacy or romance. I think we stayed together at first because of our kids and then, when the kids left, we had just settled into being room mates. Then he started drinking and became verbally abusive. I asked him for a divorce two weeks before he died and he cried and begged me to give him another chance. This had actually happened a couple of times before. I felt if I left, his drinking would only get worse so I just couldn't do it. Anyway, his best friend of 25 years started communicating with me - offering to help me with anything I needed. We became close and well, it just happened.
I know he had 2 affairs before me because he had told my husband about them. I think I was desperate for intimacy because it had been so long since I had any. Also, ever since I've know this friend, there has been some sexual tension and attraction between us that we never followed through with.
When we connected, it was suppose to be just "booty call" but we fell in love with each other. He and his wife had not been in a good marriage in "any" way for many years, also. I know this because he told my husband just about everything in his personal life. His wife is a hypochondriac and hasn't worked for years. In fact, I know that she married him so he would take care of her financially. They were both in very low emotional states when they met and married (I knew them when they connected). The thing is, he knows this.
He told me many times he wishes he could find the strength to leave her but is concerned about how she'll survive without his support. I tried to advise him of his options and he told me his fear is greater than he is. I think this comes from being abandoned as a child after living in a very hostile and abusive family life. I asked him to get counseling and he did see a psych but all that came from that is drugs to help him with his emotions.
We found we had so much in common....always had something to talk about and enjoy when we were together and even when we weren't. We chatted all of time online and met in public almost every day. I used to think he hoped he would get caught. I felt he was wanting her to end it and it would solve his problems. I told him no matter what he did, she would not leave because all she wanted was his financial support. Please understand, I knew her and know much about them as a couple.
Anyway, I decided it was too hard to continue (18 months of this) and told him I just couldn't do it anymore - that it just hurt too much. It devastated both of us but, we kept in touch and he confessed about 2 months later that he had a fling with someone else because he was so depressed about us. I know I know, I thought the same thing..."right, your so depressed you went right out to find a new victim to help cure your depression"....and that may be true. I haven't actually discussed it with him and yes we do still talk occassionally.
I'd like to talk to him...to try and understand what happened. After all, we were good friends before all of this. I knew too much about him for him to get away with very many lies. I think I'm still in love with him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same but I'm moving on. However, I'm very picky about relationships and that means no sex until I connect...so I was thinking about maybe using him for booty call. He needs it and so do I.
I wanted to get some comments from this site about this. Keep in mind that I'm 90% sure his wife knows he's had affairs and just doesn't care. They rarely speak to each other, don't sleep in the same room, never do anything together, have no children together and really have no relationship and I know this for a fact (remember I know her). We have great sex together and have a great time with each other's company.
I am dating and trying to find the right person to be in my life but let's face it, it's not that easy so booty call would be a welcome distraction with a good friend. I'm anxious to hear your thoughts.
Can't you people find single men or women to be with, why do you have to go for married ones. Regardless of HOW you feel about your situation, these people are married. And if they are unhappy in there marriage they need to get a divorce. but all of you need to get it! stay away from the married ones, you NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors, never believe what you are told by the other person, they will tell you anything to keep you for there own selfishness. Take it from the wife whos husband is having an affair right now. He tells me oh I love you, and tells her the same, bullshit. I get what I want from him, and she gets nothing. I'm telling you this, because you are being used by these people. I'm the wife using my husband for what he did to me, and he doesn't have the the guts to divorce me, because in reality he doesn't want one. I hope you all can see the light on your situations.
Just skimming through this thread I feel sorry for women in general. Some of you on here are bashing women who slept with married men. How do you think these relationships started? No matter the scenario, the MAN was the one who decided that what he was getting at home wasn't worth the respect some of you think it deserved. So these pititful whores are the guilty party? Ever been alone, insecure, wanting affection? If your man is out cheating, I bet you've felt all those emotions, so who do you have more in common with? The husbands out there doing dirt or these so-called "whores" (who just want the same things you want, but are going about getting it the wrong way)? I bet the latter... Women need to start making men responsible for their actions. Get angry at the dude who took you to the alter and later crapped on your vows. Not the woman who is lost and looking for something in the wrong place. Displaced anger sucks. I think it's time for women to demand more out of their partners and know when their relationships are screwed up and LEAVE. Instead of sitting at home focusing on everything else and forgetting to make sure your marriage is healthy and intact.
Hi Speak: I like what you wrote, and I think I could use allot of what you said in my situation, since I have a husband right now having an affair. And he is a pease of shit for doing this to me, and the more I hear it, the more I feel like I do not want him back. Because I deserve better.
Thanks allot for that and all you other women out there.
I finally ended an affair after almost 8 yrs. Yep, you heard right. I divorced, moved to be near him-lost a husband, my only child, an executive lifestyle, financial security-you name it it's gone. I recently sent him a letter and told him that he owed me $225k for all of my losses since he lied to me & decided he needed to be with his family (after all). He took this to his attorney & they are planning to do things to me that I never expected. The financial remedy was because I lost that much in leaving eveyrthing for a liar, thief and a cheat. NEVER NEVER get involved with a married man. It is not worth it. The losses are all on you & you will never see it coming because he is so very good at the lying game, and the empty promises. Affairs are for losers - don't be one.
AFool4Sur,
Thanks for the comment.
I'm really curious about yoru situation. What are he and his attorney planning to do, and how do you know about it? Have you told his wife and family about the affair?
I hope to hear from you, either by email or comment.
thank you for writing this article I know theres a lot of people out there who could realize or perhaps change.
Mystique,
I honestly don’t think that you will ever understand what happened. My husband cheated on me (so I am coming from the other end of the spectrum) and for a long time I wanted to understand how and why. I know what troubles our marriage has…but honestly, the affair was his selfishness more than the troubles. I did have to finally come to the realization (I had to stop driving myself crazy) that I will never understand because I am not my husband and I hope that I couldn’t do what he has done to me with his long term affair to another person. And I was very angry not only with my husband (yes, he was the main focus of my anger) but also with his Other Woman. I saw Speak’s response to the The Wife and Speak is right that the person most responsible is the Married Man. But I do believe that the other woman should say no when she knows that it’s a Married Man and in my case she knew very well. And perhaps the anger is displaced but I am not sure that too many people, man or woman, who’ve been cheated on are able to be that logical when it hurts so much. But what I am really trying to say is that no matter how much you want to talk to this man and understand everything all that will really happen is that you will end up sleeping together, have no real resolution and keep the affair going-on and off and on and off. Why do I know this? It's what my husband and I did and I assume what he and the Other Woman also did..It’s too easy to get sucked in, its human nature. I think men having affairs don’t tend to divorce their wives. I am sure there are some wives who actual divorce their husbands who are having an affair but in a large amount of cases they try to work it out. And no matter whatever anyone else thinks it is the two people in the marriage’s prerogative. I have friends/family who understand that and I have friends/family who I am sure are not happy with my decision to stay in my marriage at this time. But we women do create the bed we lie in that as a whole we (wives, girlfriends) accept bad behavior towards us from men and then we (the other women) get involved with men we shouldn’t. Obviously the solution is to expect better for ourselves and from ourselves and not accept less from ourselves and others on both sides of the story.
I think that your comment to her was correct! I also think that every situation is different. Some people are not happy and do fall in love with other people. Some people do leave their spouses for other people and are happy. There are always two side to everything. If someone is straying there is a reason and that needs to be looked at. We can't alwways come down on the man. Why is he cheating? What is really going on? What is happening?
We all need to be happy! Each and every one of us. Love is love and that is the way it is. If you are not happy in a realtionship then get out of it! Don't let fear hold you back! I did it and I am happier for it!
I think that your comment to her was correct! I also think that every situation is different. Some people are not happy and do fall in love with other people. Some people do leave their spouses for other people and are happy. There are always two side to everything. If someone is straying there is a reason and that needs to be looked at. We can't alwways come down on the man. Why is he cheating? What is really going on? What is happening?
We all need to be happy! Each and every one of us. Love is love and that is the way it is. If you are not happy in a realtionship then get out of it! Don't let fear hold you back! I did it and I am happier for it!
I am married and I started an affair with a married man. He never took me anywhere, we may if I was lucky have lunch once a week. He never text me unless I did first. He would come over and have sex with me and leave within the hour. I loved him and I still do. But reading all these comments makes me realise that he never loved me. I was only someone to have sex with
I am married and I started an affair with a married man. He never took me anywhere, we may if I was lucky have lunch once a week. He never text me unless I did first. He would come over and have sex with me and leave within the hour. I loved him and I still do. But reading all these comments makes me realise that he never loved me. I was only someone to have sex with
Dear Stupid,
You are allowing this man to USE you. This is not love, someone who love another does not treat them this way. You deserve better, and more self esteem, you will find your true love, but not with a married man, look inside yourself, and get happy for you first, feel better about yourself first, and before you know it your love will be there when you least except it.
The wife,
You are right. He does not love me. He is moving abroad with his wife for a year and when he told me I cried so much. He said that we lead separate lifes and that there was no relationship between us. It hurt. But its the truth. I allowed myself to be used. Its my fault and I hope I can find the strength within me to move on.
The wife,
You are right. He does not love me. He is moving abroad with his wife for a year and when he told me I cried so much. He said that we lead separate lifes and that there was no relationship between us. It hurt. But its the truth. I allowed myself to be used. Its my fault and I hope I can find the strength within me to move on.
Dear Stupid,
You do have the strength to move on, you just don't know it yet. Treat yourself like a temple, and any man needs to show you respect first if they do not they are not the guy for you, and you should move on, NO matter how lonely you are, because you are better then that. My husband is having an affair right now, and yes I was hurt, but through time, I realized I do deserve better, andyes I still love him. WE've been together for 18 yrs. Give yourself time, find things to do with your friends, right down your thoughts on paper, then read them back in a couple of days. say to yourself: I'm a good person, I deserve to be treated like one, I'm beautiful, and deserving of GOOD people around me. I shine, and it shows!!!! Good luck, and you are not stupid. you are brave.
I like your advised here...yeah true it is not a good idea to sleep with men who is already married, they can be considered as the best actor just acting in front of you that they really love you which is at the end not at all. Better look for a single men who you can live with for the rest of your life.
I won't go into too much detail, my affair ended do to crossing and mixing up signals- I think I initiated the break up. It's affecting my health, I am losing a lot of weight at a rapid speed. He was my Best friend/lover/ protector/ provider/father of my children. THis the longest we have ever been apart and went without talking to one another. I am the other woman and we have twin boys that are a year and a half. After the Ultimatium his wife imposed on him, he was still apart of the kids and my life every day. My babies are crying out for their daddy, going to the window and doors looking for him; the boys and I aren't resting that well. I am so Heartbroken and I know he is also.
He has two older children from a previous marriage-one in which he was the jilted spouse, his wife-their mother left him for another man and had another family. I have read all these statements, and I had just ended a five year relationship that was ruined by Infidelity, he had a long-term affair on me and had several affairs on those that he cheated on me with. We had one child together but when I met him, he took on the father role to three children, he didn't have any of his own at the time. My ex became violent and wouldn't let me walk out of our relationship, he damaged property, stalked and even became a peeping tom. This married man was a police detective and was in the middle of conducting an investigation of a relative of mine. We became friends because he was going through with his spouse also. I told him my convictions about those that messed with unavailable men, etc. We talked about everything, the late nights grew frequent and then he started popping up, to check on me, and one night after being scared out of my mind by my ex, we went there. I felt so bad for what I had done, but I had been deprived of Intimacy for so long, that it felt good. No I was not and still am not an unattractive woman; that's why the tramps my ex cheated on me with, broke my self-esteem in the beginning and I gained 20 plus pounds as a result( 140-160). Well, we had bonded so that his two-side chicks were quickly kicked to the curb and then I found out we were expecting, he didn't want to leave. I brought up termination of the babies, because I didn't love him and I thought about what I had done and was dealing with trying to reconcile with my ex. My ex is still trying to reconcile but that's a done deal, he broke me down to a place I didn't want to go back to ever. I met him almost a year after my another ex, that was verbally and physically abusive( his insecurities-people would ask me in his face why would someone like me, want someone that looked like him). I had issues dealing with emotions and m/m couldn't understand after being together for so long, how could I say I didn't love him, etc. I seperated my emotions, due to being hurt in my past. He was never secretive about me, we went everywhere and did what families do. He was a Gentlemen and showed much respect( he says I treated his wife as though she was the other woman- i don't agree).Anyway, he told his sister about the boys and she wanted to meet me, the babies, and my other children, I declined the invitation, then he told his father and kept asking how did I feel about him, because his children were next, then the Wife in finding out about the boys. Well I allowed myself to open up and we wrestled with my telling him to stay with his wife and work things out, he didn't want to leave our babies or me. I called his wife while he was sleep with our babies from his cell phone and told her with the sympathy and compassion I wished those bitches had shown me. She tried to put her foot down and he still came around; she even threatened to kill him, attacked my character and tried to convince him I was using him-funny right- the single woman using the man. Anyway, it wasn't until she discovered the night before his birthday that even after I had called and told her again, that we were still involved, she thought she had stopped him from contacting me, yeah right, she decided to change the phone numbers and this time she threatened to take the children, that she legally adopted overseas. He knows I would never force him to choose between his children and have made that very clear, because of how it affected his older children at first I tried to end things on several occassions, but he didn't want too. this like I said is the longest we have gone without communicating, he used our joint email account to contact me Friday, but other than that I haven't heard from him and he was concerned with the boys and talking about how heartbroken he is that he can't be with the babies every day, etc., because I had asked for closure, afte my ending it with him, unintentionally, he decided to tell everyone that didn't already know about us, about us and the boys and he still speaks of love, etc. Because of the nature of our affair, others both male and female, said he will not be with her for too much longer, etc. They had been married for 10 yrs when I met him and he expressed he loved his wife and had never thought of leaving her and the affairs he had were mainly for sex. the women he dealt with dated other men, etc. He told me he had started having affairs within the third year of their marriage due to the issues she was dealing with and how she had shut him out during her depression, etc. He later started saying that he wanted it to end because of the problems they were having, etc and not because of me and the boys. We actually made preparations for him to leave, until his son freaked out, the daughter was more understanding, because like I said they were having extensive problems. They are not from America, but he has family here, she doesn't. I understand that, and it wasn't suppose to ever reached this level. I know he won't stay from his sons for long and he will be back, she doesn't want him to see them without a vistation order-no contact with me; finances are in a mess, because he recently lost his job, so that won't be happening and he has been working numerous odd jobs to run two households, in between that trying to spend adequate time with both sets of children. She now blames him for everything and never once acknowledged her part in driving her husband away. He lost his job and came and stayed a week after finding out, she didn't find out about the job deal, until he went home. he cried like a baby in my arms, in this nearly three year ordeal he has cried more than once in front of me. I have been through depression, because I couldn't deal with the fact I had lowered my standards and been in an affair. I gained over 60lbs as a result, but I am now back to my 155lbs, after I accepted the fact that things happened and never say never as to what you will and will not do. she on the other hand ballooned to a whooping 290lbs and didn't see a need to come off the weight and kept making excuses, but she's dealing with some issues that I don't feel it will be appropriate to address on an open forum, too obvious, but those issues are partly what drove him to having affairs to begin with,and I believe him whole-heartedly that he tried everything he could to help her, before stepping out on the marriage, because he's a communicator and a Virgo male. His loyalities are divided. She just recently went through a hysteretomy, and now she's trying to make me suffer and him for having our babies.
You are not a fool. You know exactly what you are doing. The truth is cheating is about being selfish. There is something you can't give this man just as there is something his wife is not giving him. So he is filling in the "gap" with you. My guess is he still has sex with his wife and you are only having sex with him. The longer a man dates a woman without proposing it is unlikely that he will. You either accept that you will always be #2 or go find a man who thinks YOU are worth being his ONLY woman. Just as a drug dealer is not innocent for providing drugs to a junkie, you are not innocent for providing sex to a married man. Stop romantizing your affair and see it as it is. "a good time" forget marrying this guy! If you really want to get married then you need to break off this relationship that is eating up your youth.
I don't know if the last comment was directed towards me or not; but this woman has threaten to carry out a murder suicide, she's grasping for straws and he's dealing with a lot of stress. I will not make any excuses, he's communicated to me that he think I have taken my ex back, etc. She doesn't want him to have contact with me, but yet he has already lost everything, except his Health and Life and still comes around. He's now withdrawn due to his Depression. Over the course of two years I have watched a strong type A personality male, break down and become basically an Infant trying to find common ground and do right by Both his Families, etc and other issues he's being faced with. He is still trying to maintain some level of Normancy through out all of this and his children Inquire about me and mine. I have tried to walk away, so I know how he feels on certain things, his first wife committed adultery and even then he wouldn't leave, so she left him; I have tried to leave and his thing was what would it do to the children and the babies, he's a loyal, dedicated father and he put his children's needs before his own. He doesn't want to be a paycheck and postcard father like some or weekend visitations, he wants to be apart of every moment of their lives. If he could have it his way- we would all live under one roof or he'd leave both the Wife and myself and keep the children all that are involved. Children comes first with him, before Relationships and marriage. He feels that his first Wife and I just gave birth for him, he assumes the mother role within his children's lives, instead of the father role. He bathes them, feed, etc, we're just his nanny's when he's working, etc. that's what I have gathered throughout the years I have known him.
Great hub, Veronica: a place where individuals can not only tell their stories, but help others understand how they became involved with a mm, articulate what the consequences have been, and find support for some difficult life decisions!
Like many of you, I have been in both positions: the “other woman” and the wife.
When I was young and naïve, I too fell for a mm. The sex was great for a variety of reasons. Unlike a single guy on the prowl, he was not sexually deprived so could take his sweet time finally persuading me to sleep with him. Therefore, the slow build-up to sex seemed romantic, like he was really interested in a relationship with me rather than just sex. What’s more, as a married man, he was perfectly “safe” in giving me what uncommitted men would not out of fear they would be saying or doing things that suggested commitment. Unlike a single guy, he could be attentive, call frequently, give thoughtful little presents, and all those other things women find endearing because it appeals to a woman’s sense of romance. (Of course, he didn’t have to worry; he was already committed so it placed no burden on him.) However, after I was “made,” the challenge to scale the iceberg disappeared. I suddenly had to learn to make do with odd moments of time. Some time later, I realized that what he particularly valued was the heady experience of falling in love. On the other hand, like most of you, I listened to all the garbage that kept right on tumbling out of his mouth. Like a well-rehearsed actor, he had the lines down pat. Then again why wouldn’t he? It turns out he had had a number of affairs. Eventually, he relocated to a new “iceberg.” It devastated me – but you know, it was the best thing that could’ve happened. And truthfully – did I give a thought to his supposedly separated wife? To my shame, I did not. I was too young and too naïve to doubt those things he said. I believed he was separated; after all, he introduced me to his pilot buddies and their wives. Not one of them took me aside and said “You know he’s still married, right?” No, I was that season’s flavor of the month that enabled him to not deal with the issues he had within his marriage.
In later years, I was in a committed relationship when I discovered my significant other was cheating. How did I know? I walked in on them as they were going at it on my living room L-shaped couch. As the two of them were struggling to get back into their clothes, I sat down nonchalantly on the far end, and said, “So life sure has its ups and downs, doesn’t it?” They beat a hasty retreat. He stayed gone long enough for me
to gather up my stuff and move out. In those months, I decided that I must’ve been hooked on rejection to once again have found someone who treated me with less than the respect I deserved. I was already seeing someone else when months later when he begged me to take him back. It seems the woman who could be so sweet, comforting etc. really wasn’t prepared to put up with all the crap that sharing a home with someone entails.
My advice to all the “other” women is don’t waste any of the precious time you have on this earth with an already married or engaged man.
And just for the record, Why oh why, affairs are not engaged in to “make family life more bearable.” This is an example of self-deception at its most damaging. Family life is more than bearable. It is part of the joy of staying married; you may discover this for yourself if you ever marry. And Mystic Rain, you say, “Honestly, if you think about it, the only people that should really care are the two that are involved. Everything and everyone Else’s opinions are basically superficial.” You must know that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Time and again, the wives who have commented here have told everyone the illicit relationships hurt them and your mm’s children. Your feelings must be superficial if you can not understand this. Children depend on their parents to set an example. Would you really want your child growing up knowing his or her parent did not value her well-being? And finally, I admire your courage, Charity, in telling the wife. Like the ex-wife you told, my significant other had me convinced for a time that I was crazy and suspicious for those things my instincts and observations were telling me.
There is a blessed relief in dealing with reality; it permits to get on with your life. So whether it was anger, or guilt prompting you, the fact is you did good!
Where is it written that just because you date someone you then must marry them? Where did this level of expectation come from? It is disturbing.
Marrying a married man is a BIG "NO" - In the end you'll be sorry. shame on you.
Marrying a married man is a BIG "NO" - In the end you'll be sorry. shame on you.
i have been married for 18 years and have 5 children and have been quite unhappy for 3 years. i can't leave because of my kids. i frankly told my wife that we have no more chemistry and i need great sex to keep me motivated in life and happy and i am not getting it from her. what to do? she was openminded enough to tell me, look you may get a mistress if you want but i don't want to know about it nor for the kids to know, nor to get an STD nor for her to take you away from me permanently. i said, ok fine, we will work on our marriage and i will avoid that option as much as possible but if it happens i will follow your conditions.
does this make me a bad person? does this make my wife a crazy woman? is my mistress a fool for getting involved with me?
Is your wife is not a crazy person? No; she just has her hands full with five kids. In addition to the normal activities a wife does, it's exhausting trying to be on call 24/7.
Is your mistress a fool for getting involved with you? Absolutely! You have nothing to offer her that she couldn't get in any bar.
Are you a bad person? More likely you're a weak person whose income is insufficient to give your wife a break. And the more involved with your mistress, the greater will be your desire to help her out financially. Now where will that leave your family -- when it's obvious you don't even have enough to give your wife time off?
No, Jeff, what you need to do is channel all that sexual energy into providing for and protecting your family. Grow up; realize life is not all about you.
Good Advice Annie C.
Jeff your a selfish pig
my H left to be with the married woman...we were married 36 yrs he is living in the same apt complex they are still both married she is getting a divorce He hasn't done anything about a divorce yet I think you OW suck and so doesn't he but why can't you go find your own man....!!!
What consenting adults do among themselves to find happiness is fine, so long as they don't hurt anyone. I am not hurting anyone. I know what I need and if I find what I need, what is wrong with that? I want happiness too. That doesn't make me selfish. It makes me human.
jeff has integrity
wife is smart and realistic.
mistress is a saint. she doesn't want anything from me but some love an attention.
you don't seem to understand that a man can not function as a good provider and father and husband if he is unhappy. A happy man is a better provider, father and husband.
you call the mistress a fool because you ask, "what is in it for her?"
well what's in it for me?
let anyone do whatever they want so long as they fulfill their responsibilities in life and don't hurt anyone.
at least i was honest with my wife. i told her what i feel i need to function optimally. she gave me some options and i took my choice.
did i deceive anyone? fine, blame me for not being 100% selfless. at least i did not deceive anyone.
Jeff,
On your first letter asking us all for advise. I'm I a bad person, is my wife crazy, etc etc. Why is now that we have responded you have confidence, and can explain yourself. Is it because you do not like what your reading. think of it as you will. You are still selfish, and a good example to your kids. But lets see! maybe it doesn't matter what they think after all , you not hurting anyone!
Last US Census said there are 85 single men for every 100 single women. Many women can't find their own man simply because there are not enough to go around!
http://www.census.gov/population/www/cen2000/brief
It looks like the Mormons were right. There is no solution to this problem except polygyny.
The only solution is polygamy? ( think that's what you were trying to spell)
How about
Lesbianism.
Or how about all the people that don't want to be in committed relationships, who don't get married and don't lie to their wives and don't cheat, and don't screw up their kids, John.
if my son was in the same situation as i am in now and he did what i am doing i wouldn't mind at all. just be honest about what you want in life. so long as there is consent it is fine. just don't lie or deceive.
if the wife wants out, let her go. sacrificing your happiness for your kids is BS.
Of course you wouldn’t mind at all if your son was as inconsiderate and thoughtless to his wife, jeff, as you are. How could you possibly care when it’s obvious you only care about yourself? The good news is one day when you want your children to be there for you, they will demonstrate the same attitude towards you that you’re demonstrating for your family. And nothing you can say or do will later will overcome the example you set. It’s a pity really because your son’s future wife will consider the man your son is likely to become based on what his father did -- and the poor kid will come up wanting. But his future isn’t important, is it? Only you and your needs at the moment matter, right?
I would rather be smart and "inconsiderate" rather than stupid and considerate. To remain in a sexless unhappy marriage just for kids is nonsense.
I bet you my son when he grows up and understands would think I was stupid for sacrificing my happiness for him. He'd probably say, "Hey dad, that was dumb. Who cares what Annie C said on some anonymous forum.
You could have raised me seperate and happy just was good, if not better. Why?
Because seperation in harmony is better than unity in disharmony.
The wife and I just don't get along. You know what? I am just going to get a divorce.
A selfish pig is one who neglects his kids. I am a good father. I just don't like their Mom.
She is just as unsmart as you. Hubby comes first even if there are 10 kids. Why? Because when kids are grown and gone they leave you but Hubby stays.
The problem with feminist women is they just see men as mules. Treat them nice until you get knocked up and then put them in the backseat forever. Who needs it? You should see http://nomarriage.com
You can not satisfy everyone in life. You might as well satisfy your self. So long as you fulfill your responsibilities in life who cares what others say? Most people in the world are dim-wits anyway.
Hi Jeff/John, I'm Veronica, author of this Hub.
I am familiar with the site you linked.
I have 2 queries for you.
1 - If you have time, I would really appreciate it if you would read this hub of mine:
http://hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Married_Men
and comment as openly and honestly as you have here.
2 - Also if you have a moment, I would appreciate it if you'd email me. I'd like to quote you in something else I'm writing. You can message me through the profile link here on hubpages, or through the profile on my blog:
www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com
Thanks
Veronica
Read what you wrote, Jeff, and have been down the road you think you want to travel. It may look real sweet from where you’re sitting right now but from my perspective it’s all crap.
I was married for almost fifteen years when my johnson started telling me there has to be more than this. I found me a sweet little gal named Vickie to fulfill those needs. Unfortunately, I must’ve home one too many times smelling like sex, or maybe I wasn’t home when Susie, the wife needed me. Anyway, one day she divorced me. Suddenly, I found I was the visitor in my own house. Oh, the court gave us joint custody of the kids but she was the custodial parent. I had no choice but to pay alimony to Susan, and child support for my three kids. So to help pay the bills, and take care of the kids for those visitations, I married Vickie. Then one fine day, Susan marries an ex-military man, and I’m thinking, relief! No more alimony! The thing is he turned out to be a better dad than me. You know the kind that coaches your sons baseball team, and treats your daughter like a princess? My kids not only admired the guy but treated him with respect. They did not, unfortunately treat Vickie the same way. To them, she was the ho that destroyed their parents marriage. And sweet Vickie proved she was a lot better mistress than a wife. She did nothing but complain about my crazy ex-wife and my kids. And maybe to overcome the ho image, Vickie wanted to have a child. Next thing I knew, I had another mouth to feed. And Vickie was jealous as hell that my first kids had more than hers did. My second marriage deteriorated, and once again, I was looking for more plentiful sex. Only thing was Vickie was not gonna put up with the games, and took off across the country. Next thing I knew, I was paying child support for another kid. So I vowed not to do the marriage thing again. This was smart since my new girlfriend was an alcoholic who put out plenty but didn’t give a damn about decency. Funny how that became so important as I aged.
Years passed by. I never saw my fourth child, and the first three grew to love their step-dad. Apparently, he gave them the discipline and values they needed. I know this because it’s what my youngest son, Steven, told me when I talked to him on the phone. I also found out my oldest son became an officer in the Navy. He works on submarines, and is gone for months at a stretch. My daughter became a nurse and a wife. (The wedding invitation arrived too late for me to attend.) Steven, meanwhile became a veternarian. And from the email he sent me, I see Susie looks like a million bucks. Steven says “his parents” are happy and contented. I can’t help but think that I could’ve had that. Instead, I’m alone. I’m also dying from cancer so I wish my kids had time for me. I guess I can’t blame them for putting their families and careers first.
Read what you wrote, Jeff, and have been down the road you think you want to travel. It may look real sweet from where you’re sitting right now but from my perspective it’s all crap.
I was married for almost fifteen years when my johnson started telling me there has to be more than this. I found me a sweet little gal named Vickie to fulfill those needs. Unfortunately, I must’ve home one too many times smelling like sex, or maybe I wasn’t home when Susie, the wife needed me. Anyway, one day she divorced me. Suddenly, I found I was the visitor in my own house. Oh, the court gave us joint custody of the kids but she was the custodial parent. I had no choice but to pay alimony to Susan, and child support for my three kids. So to help pay the bills, and take care of the kids for those visitations, I married Vickie. Then one fine day, Susan marries an ex-military man, and I’m thinking, relief! No more alimony! The thing is he turned out to be a better dad than me. You know the kind that coaches your sons baseball team, and treats your daughter like a princess? My kids not only admired the guy but treated him with respect. They did not, unfortunately treat Vickie the same way. To them, she was the ho that destroyed their parents marriage. And sweet Vickie proved she was a lot better mistress than a wife. She did nothing but complain about my crazy ex-wife and my kids. And maybe to overcome the ho image, Vickie wanted to have a child. Next thing I knew, I had another mouth to feed. And Vickie was jealous as hell that my first kids had more than hers did. My second marriage deteriorated, and once again, I was looking for more plentiful sex. Only thing was Vickie was not gonna put up with the games, and took off across the country. Next thing I knew, I was paying child support for another kid. So I vowed not to do the marriage thing again. This was smart since my new girlfriend was an alcoholic who put out plenty but didn’t give a damn about decency. Funny how that became so important as I aged.
Years passed by. I never saw my fourth child, and the first three grew to love their step-dad. Apparently, he gave them the discipline and values they needed. I know this because it’s what my youngest son, Steven, told me when I talked to him on the phone. I also found out my oldest son became an officer in the Navy. He works on submarines, and is gone for months at a stretch. My daughter became a nurse and a wife. (The wedding invitation arrived too late for me to attend.) Steven, meanwhile became a veternarian. And from the email he sent me, I see Susie looks like a million bucks. Steven says “his parents” are happy and contented. I can’t help but think that I could’ve had that. Instead, I’m alone. I’m also dying from cancer so I wish my kids had time for me. I guess I can’t blame them for putting their families and careers first.
Jack your children are so ungrateful. Did you not bring them into the world. Did you not provide for them? I'll share a story to make it clearer. The world is not fair.
There was this crazy talking stray cow who had so much milk to offer, the cow was almost exploding.
The cow wanted someone to relieve it of the "suffering" of having too much milk.
The cow met 3 people and said, please milk me as I can't take it anymore.
The cow didn't realize that the 3 people wanted the milk more than the cow wanted to give.
They say, one of us will domesticate you and relieve you of your milk every day and return give you free green grass but you will work the field every day and once in a while we will take a slice of your back to have steak, deal?
Cow happily says ok, please do it. I can't take it anymore. This milk is killing me.
After a few years the cow says, "This is not fair. I still have so much milk to give and my master is not relieving me of it. I want to give more.
The master says, "If you try to get anyone else to milk you except me I will kick you out, but you will still have to plow my fields.
The cow is suffering and finds an apparently very nice milker. The cow secretly goes to the "nice milker" to releive it of all this milk but one day gets caught.
The "kind milker" turns out to be even meaner than the first. At first the 2nd milker was very gentle but not is yanking really hard to get milk.
Poor cow now has to plow two fields and only has 1 milker but the cow still has more milk to give and is getting frustrated.
The cow runs away and finds a 3rd milker who take the milk really well, doesn't force him to plow any fields but is an alcoholic. Poor cow. The cow really wanted to plow another field.
Now the cow has mad cow disease and none of the 3 milkers even calls to visit or say hello. All the greedy people who took of the the cow's milk, all the work the cow did on the fields and all the free steak the cow gave in the past is considered a favor to the cow.
Ungrateful cow. Did we not relieve you of your milk. Die in your misery.
First milker found a sucker cow who was more stupid then the first cow. Everyone is happy with the 2nd cow. The first cow goes down in history of the farm as the most ungrateful rebelious cow ever known.
There is nothing a farmer hates more than a rebelious cow.
It has nothing to do with his wife:
Our relationship is about us. Not her or his life with her. It happened and I'm not sure if and when it will end. He is in love with me. He does love her and he says she is a great person and mother to his four children. But they were married young after she found her self pregnant with their child. He did the "right" thing and married her at 22 years of age. Three more kids later and eighteen years of marriage he meets me. People change and people grow. People love more than one person their whole lifetime. I know he loves me . He makes no promises, but he does talk about our future. I am not in a place right know where I want him to leave his wife. I am in the process of a divorce. He has helped me through this mess like no one else has. Not even my family. My husband was both physically and mentally abusive. He blames our divorce on my "affair". But he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. My MM has been my strength and my best friend through this whole mess. It is not about sex and physical attraction. He is truly one of the nicest, strong, giving and confident men I have ever meet. I know what people will say "he cant be all that if he is cheating on his wife". I will argue with any one about this fact. He is a beautiful person. We ended it for a brief time as I was trying to "fix" my marriage. I was living a lie. We stayed away for six months. My ex brought him back into my life by mentioning his name in the divorce papers. My MM makes me want to be a better person. I am not lonely. I feel loved. He brings out the best in me. I have yet to figure out why it is so wrong to love some one. We love each other truly. I understand that if I was his wife I would not be a happy person. I would never blame her. I am not naive of the fact that it is easy to love some one when you are not dealing with real life i.e. bill, kids, homework etc. I hope some day it will stop being an affair and become and honest and open relationship. I have meat some of his best friends and the response has been pretty posative. They know him as a man and they know that this is not some thing that is in his nature and that if he has fallen in love with some one out side of his marriage it must mean something. It is not something that he takes lightly and he doesn't consider me a fling. Its love and its real and it has consequenses but so doesn't everything in life that means something to you. Life is about taking chances specially when you feel strongly about something. Its called passion. And life without it is sad. I love him and he loves me and I have to believe that all this craziness will work itself out somehow. There are no guarentees in life. We dont really know where life will take us. Its a journey and there are so many different roads we take. I never in my life thought I would end up here but I am. We will deal with it and see where it takes us. I think I am a strong person. I think I can handle what the future hold. What ever that may be. I am a better person to be loved by him. He has only brought posative things into my life and for that I have no regrets.
Well Strawberry Girl, you truly have convinced yourself. Let me just try to shine a little light on this. If this man truly did not love his wife than why does he not just let her go find someone who will? Yes I am sure she will hurt to have to go through a divorce, but she won't hurt nearly as much as she will once she finds this out. Yes, she is being hurt, because she is most likely living a lie, and nothing hurts worse than finding out your life, your dreams, your hard work on building a future with your husband was a lie. Yes, I am sure you love him, but his Best Friend you are not, a Best Friend looks after their friends best interest, and NO Best Friend would let their Best Friend hurt someone else or live a lie. They would tell their Best Friend to get their life straight and to live with dignity and integrity. Yes, your lover, whatever, is a liar, because he lies to his wife and Children and he lies to you, believe that or not it is true. I know he loves you so much he would NEVER lie to you, believe this or not, his wife felt the same way once and maybe she still does. The idea that NO BODY gets hurt is just stupid and selfish, alot of people are being hurt, alot. I am sure he makes all kinds of excuses as to why he can not leave his wife and children and I am sure you believe everyone of them, your fooling yourself and hurting yourself, you don't have to believe me because time is going to tell you that all on its own. All the excuses as to why my husband couldn't leave me, his affair partner believed everyone, thought they were in love, thought she would have him forever, their affair lasted 9 years before I found out. Guess what, my kids were grown, I had a job, I am independent, he could have left, but in the end, he choose me, the sad part in this, He choose me, she was hurt to the extreme, but I choose me to, bye bye husband, hello new life. Here you go, he didn't go to her, infact he stayed alone, didn't even date her, and she thought she was his BEST FRIEND in the world, she Thought she knew him better than anyone, they were so in love because of al lthe things he said and did, okay you say, well this isn't us, we truly love each other, than lets go to statistics, 12% will leave their wives and family out of that 12%, 7% will go to the affair partner, out of that wonder union only 2% will survive. Wow now those are great odds on your love for each other.
Let me tell you a little story, I am going to make it short. My brother had a bitch of a wife, or so he thought, he met a wonderful girl, or so he thought, they had an affair for over 3 years, in love, best of friends and so on. He had three beautiful little girls with his wife. He decided to leave his wife for his affair partner, no demands on her part. They got married, they had another child, life sounds grand doesn't it, I mean they were so in love and the best of friends, but 4 years later, I hear my new sister in law complaining about him all the time, I hear her unhappiness because of the emotional abuse he heaps on her all the time, why because he does not trust her. They have NO peace in their home, now she is the bitch, he is miserable, she is miserable, wow live sure got better for them. Guess what, now she knows what his wife went through and what she was really about.
Strawberry, convince yourself of anything you want, after all it is your life. But your Friends wife should NO, she has that right. Maybe your not ready for marriage or living together or whatever, you don't have to for him to be honest with his wife. I am sure he can live alone, just dating you like he is now. As much as you think you know him, you don't.
You commented that you are a better person because of him, you are wrong, you have just lost some of your integrity, your self worth, your self respect, your self dignity, your self period. A better person would never hurt or even think about hurting someone else, they would never treat someone or others the way they themselves would not want to be treated. A better person. Please think about that again.
I know so many people who have been in affairs but I can not tell you one story of sucess. Not one. Out of 15 girlfriends I have, 11 have either been in an affair with a married man or had an affair on their husband, out of that 11, all thought they were IN LOVE, BEST OF FRIENDS, blah blah blah, yet none of them ended up with the affair partner and everyone of them went through had extreme pain in the end.
As you say, it will all work out, it sure will.
Bless You
Kate
Who is getting hurt, His wife, His children, His friends, His extended family and everyone else who thought he was a man of integrity. Infidelity hurts alot of people and the pain is not JUST when it is discovered, the PAIN begins long before that for his wife especially..
Kate,
I love what you just said to Strawberry Girl. You are a wonderful person who has great strength in life. You have incouraged me to be a better person. Since I have a husband having an affair as we speak. And he is hurting many people in all of this. I appreciate your advise, and hopefully more will listen to what you said.
That means you Strawberry girl.
Kate,
His wife does know about me. My soon to be ex called her and told her all about it. She found out six months after that that it was still going on when her husband had to tell her because and incident involving the police. She chooses to stay. For now maybe. Forever, could be? For what? I'm not sure. Why does she choose to stay in a marriage that is not working/ The kids, maybe? The house and the money and the fact that she stays home and does not have to work, probably! I know how I sound when I say all the things that WE all say. He loves me, he's my best friend and on and on. I get all that. But he doesn't lie to me. He has told me he does love his wife for the person she is. There is no passion. He has told me she is a great person and mother. He does not speak bad of her. He tells me about their life together. Nothing hidden about that. There are no false promises. No promises for the future. We take it day by day and for now that works. If he told me tomorrow that this couldn't continue, then I walk away. Lesson learned. I cant help that I fell in love with him. It happened it's beautiful. And if it does end he has qualities that I will now look for in a man. All except for the cheating part!! :)
To the wife: why do you stay and what are you doing to fix the problems in your marriage. Is it just easier for you to stay in a marriage that doesn't work or are you afraid of being alone?
Well, goodness, Strawberry Girl, why shouldn't your mm's wife stay put? She is, in the words of your mm, "a great person and mother." In case you can not interpret this statement -- it means your mm respects and admires his wife. It also suggests he isn't going to dump her for his latest floozy.
So now you should ask yourself why you're in a relationship with this man. Is it because it's easier to be with someone else's spouse than go through all the pains of finding an available single man? Is it because you're afraid of being alone? Or is it because you covet the opportunity to be a stay at home mom?
Ms. Strawberry Girl,
I'm not alone, I have many people in my life. the issue here is that I;m not hurting anybody. I'm not lieing either. And I do not need his MONEY I work, but he chooses to help, he chooses to keep me and OUR Daughter so we may stay in our house.
And as for problems in the marriage thats between me and him.
First and foremost Annie C. I am not his latest floozy. In fact I am not a floozy at all. Just a normal hard working woman raising two beautful grils pretty much on my own. This is the first time he has gone out of the marriage. Yeah I know why should i beleive him? The answer is because he has no reason to lie to me. We are open and honest about everything. Yes maybe he does admire and respect his wife as a person and the mother of his children. But what about passion and love and honesty. When does that stop being important. I dont want to go through life "just living". I want to love completely and give. I want passion. Why do so many people loose themselves in a marriage? Why should you give up who you are and what your really feel? How many marriages stay together because its the "right" thing to do. What is the right thing? I'm with hime because I love him. I fel in love with him for many reasons. Its pretty stupid to say its easier to be with him than find a single guy. Single guys are evrywhere and I'm sure my life would be a lot easier if thats what I had. But the fact of the matter is simply that I love him. And I really dont see that shcnging anytime soon. It gets stronger and better each day. We have an unbelievable conection. We have gon through so much together in the last year an a half and neither one of us has left yet. All I can really say is that I met him eightteen years to late. But I met him and thats what matters. There are reasons things happen. We may not see it right now but some day we will look back at all this and say"oh yeah I get it now."
And to the wife you say you are not lying, you are. To everyone around you by staying married to a man who is probably in love with some one else. And mostl you are lying to yourself and to your daughter. Why do you stay? for the House? And you are right the problems are between you and him. But he chooses to solve them with someone else. Why is he not coming to you to fix the problems in your marriage. You are hurting yourself.
Ms. Strawberry Girl,
You are SO WRONG. I'm not lying to anyone, and not my Daughter. I have more support from both sides of Family members. I stay in the HOUSE, because my Daughter deserves to stay with freinds she knows, the same school she has been going to. and blah, blah, blah. And he does not choose to solve his problems with someone else, he talks to me about his problems. And if he does talk to her, or whoever, so what!!!!. the issue here is that girls and yes girls like you need a life. but its your story, you can tell anyway you want. but married men make promises not only to there wifes, but to GOD. and the wheel does turn the other direction. If he's hurting anybody in all of this, its her. she does and will never be me, or have what I have from him. because he CHOOSE to help me & our Daughter.
Being a short-term affair is one thing, being a long-term mistress is another.
Leaving aside morality, integrity, etc, it's just a bit demeaning. Waiting around for scraps of a man's time, letting him know by your actions that you don't mind being no. 2 in the emotional queue. If the marriage is really that bad, the affair might actually be enabling him to stay in it, rather than encouraging him to fix it or end it.
Back to the ommitted morality and integrity. If a man is unhappy with his other half (or a woman with hers) the honest thing to do is to end it or sort it out. Having an affair over time means a pattern of lying, dishonesty, and damaging of the self. Lying to a person to whom you owe honesty is very damaging to oneself.
"If the marriage is really that bad, the affair might actually be enabling him to stay in it, rather than encouraging him to fix it or end it."
Very well said, LondonGirl.
Thanks so much for all your awesome comments tonight. I really appreciate it.
Wife: I am so sorry to hear that your husband is still involved in his affair. How are you doing with all of this? This has to be so very hard on you and your daughter. If I could give you some information to help you through this process, would you be interested? I know the pain is extreme at times and the fear of the unknown. Would you like to know how to over come all of it? I would love to help you, if you feel you could use the help. Let me know.
Strawberry Girl: I truly hope you don't believe you met him 18 years to late, because if you would have met him than and married him, you would be his wife today, and who knows who the mistress would have been, it could of even been his wife. After all, in the beginning of their relationship and I would bet my life on it, she was his soul mate, best friend, greatest woman, love of his life, and so on. Reality sucks, but only the strong can face reality, the weak run from it. Keep that in mind, so if the chance were to ever come that you would be the "winner" in all of this, this weak man at some point down the road, when real life hits again, which it always does, instead of looking to you for help and answers, he'll be looking for the next, best friend, soul mate. I don't believe you are a floozy, not even close, but I truly do believe you are messed up and that your self worth is being attacked everyday. One day your going to look in the mirror and wonder who is looking back at you, when that day comes, please remember this, "Every moment of your life was YOUR choice," blame NO one else for you decisions. I wish you the best that life has to hold, I hope you get there someday. "NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM HURTING OTHERS OR DOING WRONG, PERIOD." Here's one more thing, if you really really do love him, let him go figure out his life, love means doing the right thing always, love means self scrafice sometimes, when you love someone you hold them accountable to do the right things, things that don't hurt their self worth or dignity. If you truly love him send this broken man home and if he truly loves you, he will heal himself and come back to you with a healthy heart and soul.
Bless you all
My pleasure - I like your writing!
Kate, I absolutely agree with you that most everything thing that has happened in my life is my choice. To a point. There are also things that have happened in my life that where out of my control. But I took control of it and have made things better.I have never in my life blamed anyone for my mistakes and I take full responsability for them. I have never once blamed his wife for any of this. I have never pointed a finger at her and said "if she had only..." As I said before, it has nothing to do with her. As crazy as that sounds. This relationship is about us. He didn't eet out and say "oh let me have an affair today afet eighteen years of marrige." We met, we became friends, confidants and on and on just like all the other stories. It happened. We fell in love There must come a point in most marriages when you hit a rough spot, should you just ignore it and hope it goes away or do you face it and fix it? I think so many women just ignore it and try to pretend that everything is fine and that this is how marriage is suppose to be. I dont agee and I dont buy it. I know that life is not rainbows and roses everday, but when that passion is gone what is left? Dont tell me that this is real life. Its not. God I hope not because if thats all there is than who wants it. Life is suppose to be fun and happiness and waking up to the person next to you and just being completely in love. No bored. Passion and loving completely is real life. Just going through life and loosing yourself is not living. Its sad. I get what you say about if I really love him let him go - I had the poster in my room in my teens- I dont want to let him go. But in fact I did let him go last year, for 7 months, and we are back together stronger than ever. I have never asked him to leave his wife. Would I welcome him in a second if he did? Of course. And I would be willing and ready to deal with all the crazyness that I know would come with it. From both of our family's, friends and co-workers. But I truly believe that we are strong enough to make it work. Together. He doesn't want to hurt his wife an his family. He has done the "right" thing his whole life. What about him and what he wants and makes him happy. He has done so much for others in his life. This affair is not within his character. I think most people would never believe that he is involved with someone outside his marriage. And that is why I feel like this is so real. It is not something that either of us take lightly. We know the hurt it has an will cause people. But it all comes back to the same thing - we love each other too much to walk away from this. Its crazy and it sucks an it hurts but its so real that I cant leave. I wouldn't look at my self as the "winner" if it went that way. I would look at my self as loved and lucky and happy. Winner is not the word, this is not a contest. As I said in my earlier posting if he choose to end this tomorrow then I walk away a better person to have been loved by someone like him. And life goes on. Would I be hurt? Extremely. But I am strong and I would and could move on. I would never forget all that he has taught me about myself and about life. He has made me a better person and he has made me want to be a better person. He keeps me grounded and pretty much sain in my crazy life. He is my best friend. My only fear would be that if I didn't have him I would never find any one like him again. I have been alone before, I know how to take care of my self. Its not about that. I cant help who I fell in love with. I cant change it. It may sound sad to so many people. But I can truly say that in my life time I have never loved someone so completey as I love him. To me its beautiful. And I can't appologize for it and I dont regret it. My intentions were nver to hurt anyone. its not what I want in my life. But I cant change this. And its life and people get hurt. Maybe it will be me. The are no guarantees in life.
"But the fact of the matter is simply that I love him. And I really dont see that shcnging anytime soon. It gets stronger and better each day. We have an unbelievable conection."
Then why is he still married?
Doesn't it trouble you that the man you love is living a lie, and constantly betraying his own integrity through his dishonesty?
"My intentions were nver to hurt anyone. its not what I want in my life"
In legal terms, we are presumed to intend the probably consequences of our acts. A good ethical rule as well, I think.
Wife: I just emailed you, thank you so much for giving it to me. I hope you will take me up on my offer, the info I sent you is only for those who truly want help dealing with betrayal: Bless You and Your Daughter
Strawberry Girl: I have reread some of your posts, and I got to thinking, are you looking for someone to tell you why his wife is still with him and hasn't left? If so, she's with him for the exact reasons you are. You know he has a wife, yet you stay, I guess she knows he has a mistress, yet she stays, he must be a great catch. But she also has way more invested there than you do, many more years, she gave her word/promise once and has the integrity to stay strong, I'm sure her words included "through good times and bad times," or "through better and worst" and I'm dang sure this is the worst and if she is still there, she LOVES him and amazingly you said he still LOVES her. Their marriage sounds like to me could become amazing if others would stay out of it. Maybe you should suggest they go to marriage counseling to save their marriage, some marriages after infidelity become the best marriages ever. Just maybe your saving their marriage. Food for thought
Some of what I read from you comes across to me as if you think the wife is responsible to keep her husband happy, is that what you think? That a wife will just put her head in the sand and do nothing when her marriage is falling apart? I think you said "she will ignore it and pretend that every thing is fine." Hummm Maybe he is telling her everything is fine, maybe he still tells her he loves her, I don't know and neither do you, you only know what is being said to you, not her, or how he acts around her. I doubt very much her head is in the sand, he is still going home every night to her and I am pretty sure they have had their moments and if she already knows, than what is he still doing there, he could have left, why didn't he choose to go? OH I bet because she's needy. Strawberry, you are listening to him and you want him to be telling you the truth so bad because he is saying the things you want to hear that you are choosing to believe it and you assume its the truth. Assume is nothing more than making an ASS of U and ME.
"When the passion is gone what is left?" and than "Passion and loving completely is real life?" "Life is suppose to be fun and happiness, waking up with the person you are completely in love with?" Passion has nothing to do with LOVE, LOVE has everything to do with commitment, LOVE has everything to do with Choice, we choose who we love. If you believe that you "fall in Love" than you must believe you "fall out of Love" right? Love is something that comes with time, time together, going through the good moments and the bad together, Love is a multitude of emotions, not a warm, fuzzy feeling. Love isn't that butterfly feeling in the stomach or your every thought throughout the day. Love is not passion, but when you love someone you are PASSIONATE about them and you want the best things in life for them, you want them to do the RIGHT things to better their lives, you cherish them and make sure they stay healthy, mentally and physically, a triangle is not healthy in any way, for anyone including yourself. As a spouse we have to keep our partners accountable to their actions and sometimes that brings arguments and fights and anger, some will LOVE each other through it and grow stronger, some will turn away from each other and stay resentful and grow apart, eventually divorcing. But in most cases, one spouse will try to work through it, try to get the other one to understand they need help, maybe through counseling while the other spouse doesn't believe they need help and refuses to go, so they stay in the anger mode and relieve the anger by finding someone else who will not require them to be responsible, where they don't have to face reality, or their own issues. They can just what: go have fun and be happy, which last how long? Thats not what life is all about, fun and happy. Marriage is a great institution to learn and grow on a personal basis, our partner can teach us alot about ourselves, like patience, our anger, our frustrations, what makes us happy, makes us sad etc...so when one partner stops growing it stale mates both and thats when someone's true character shows. Men or women do not cheat because their partner is the wrong partner, or because their partner didn't do enough for them, or because their partner isn't filling them up with enough praise, they cheat merely because they don't want to stop and look at themselves, their own issues, they don't want to do the HARD work to make their life and their partners life better, they are looking for an easy way out, sad thing is, its not the easy way out, it just makes it more complicated. Now if I have to spell out the complications than this is a sad day. Anyone who has an affair is doing nothing more than running away from their own issues and guess what they just take those same issues to the next person, who is the affair partner and when REAL LIFE happens they will do the same thing, it is in their character, unless or until they decide to stop and look in the mirror and start doing the work required to bring them back to healthy, which is working on their own issues. PERIOD. NOW THIS IS REAL LIFE
I am not trying to be rude here, but I was just wondering how old you are? I think I read where you said your soon to be "ex" told his wife, is that correct? So I guess your soon to be ex is a husband?
You also said that your MM, "has done the right thing his whole life." So I take it that when he married his wife he was doing the right thing, and when he didn't keep his vows, word, promises, he was doing the right thing than to. So when he is with you and the two of you are enjoying each other, yet he is lying to his wife by not telling her he is with you, he is once again, doing the right thing? Okay, now I am totally confused about RIGHT and WRONG. I could be wrong here, but I thought that lying, cheating and breaking promises or your word is just flat wrong. Wow, I was always under the impression that a person who wouldn't lie, steal, cheat and especially kept their word, was a person of integrity, had dignity and self respect, but if I read you right I have that backwards, I am going to have to give this some thought. I've been looking for the wrong kind of man, I guess I should stay with my husband because according to what you said he was doing all the right things. WRONG
Here's just one more thing. If your MM started seeing another woman, would you stay with him? Would you choose to love him through it?
Wife,
Let me know if you would like the comment deleted with your email in it now. (I can't alter comments, I can only "post" or "delete".
V
Kate, I am 39 years old. Not a kid and yes old enough to know better. He is the same age. Also yes, my ex is my soon to be ex-husband. We are in the process of a divorce. I know you are all going to look at this and think you know all the reasons for the divorce or because of my divorce this is why I am with a married man. One does not have anything to do with the other. My ex may not agree, but thats because he thinks he has done no wrong. I must say Kate that you have some very valid points here. I really cant argue with them. And yes I was kind of looking for an answer as to why she stays and what you said made sense. I do get it. I guess we should both be pointing our fingers at him and tell him to fix this mess. All of this aside he truly is a great guy. AS you said a great catch, besides the married part. I sometimes feel like i have corrupted him. But I didn't chase him or seduce him or anything like that. He's an adult and he has made his own decisions. I dont expect to change anyones mind in all of this. And maybe I am looking for someone to tell me that they get it and it will all work out beacuse deep down I know where this will end up an it wont be good. Where ever it does end up I truly mean it when I say he has changed my life for the better, he has helped me so much through this divorce. He knows what he has done for me and I have nor will I ever have any regrets when it comes to him. I love him and I will always have a special place in my heart for him.
Bottom line - don't do it, no matter who or what, its like heroin or drinking too much, even cigarettes. If the man is truly unhappy, this is his problem, we are not in a society or social structure where there are open marriages and relationships or a man has several wives and partners. Most of the time the wife is in denial and this could be you. Think about her, even if she is not perfect. He has to straighten out his own life. These are his problems, not yours. We give too much as women and this is nice but sometimes it is to the wrong guy.
Some men are liars, to get that immediate sex they will say anything and everything and no matter how smart we are, we want to believe it so we do. We're only human, but we must be strong and rise above this ignorant consciousness.
Leave him...walk away like its a drug, get help, don't call, erase all memory, email and phone number. Don't go back, there are other men who will love you and are available. I am convinced this is a sickness and a woman can ruin her life. None of us are perfect, but PLEASE ladies, lets take good care of ourselves, this is a living hell. I just had a very brief taste of it AND I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN...WALK AWAY... DISCIPLINE..LEARN THE MAGNIFICENT ART OF NO...SAY GOODBYE...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...YOU ARE WORTH IT
Dear Veronica,
Yes please.
And thank you
You got it babe.
"It has nothing to do with his wife:Our relationship is about us. Not her or his life with her. It happened and I'm not sure if and when it will end. He is in love with me."
I can't see how it has nothing to do with his wife. He is married to her. He lives with her. He shares his life and (I have no doubt) a sexual relationship with her. Your affair doesn't exist outside his married life, it's part of it.
He may be in love with you, but not enough. He doesn't love you enough to end his current relationship. He doesn't love you enough to stop lying for you. He doesn't love you enough to be a man of integrity and honesty.
London Girl,
why so angry? Which end of the relationship are you on? Are you the wife or the FORMER girlfriend. Our affair exists in every part of his life.
He loves me enough. That I dont doubt. He doesn't love HER enough to end his relationship with ME. He doesn't love HER enough to stop lying about ME. He doesn't love HER enough to be completely with HER. He makes no excuses. We are in love. And he has no regrets and no guilt. Nor do I. And I can't appologize for that. What we have is real. I understand the reasons he is still with her. They dont need to be explained to you. He is a man of integrity. Dont judge until you have been there.
"why so angry? Which end of the relationship are you on? Are you the wife or the FORMER girlfriend. Our affair exists in every part of his life."
I'm not at all angry. I am neither a betrayed wife or partner, nor have I ever had an affair with a committed man.
" He is a man of integrity."
A man of integrity chooses.
I had an on-off affair with a very manipulative married man for 3 years. I'm not excusing my behavior at all, and I feel really horrible now about his wife. But he kept telling me his marriage was a sham, he was going to end it etc. etc. and I stupidly believed him. Eventually I realized he was lying about that as well as everything else, so I ended it for good and cut him out of my life completely. He plagued me for a while with texts, calls, emails etc. I was really tempted to answer but I was strong and ignored every attempt he made to contact me. After a couple of months he gave up trying.
It was the best decision I ever made. I hadn't realised how much it had destroyed my self-confidence and self-respect until I was away from the situation. I now feel really sorry for his wife and thank god I didn't end up with him permanently. I'm now properly single and able to date single guys that aren't serial liers and don't have a ton of baggage, and it's so much better. I'm only sorry I wasted 3 years on that loser. I will NEVER get involved with a married man again.
I appreciate there are some cases where a man is genuinely unhappy, falls in love with someone else and they end up together. But I think this would happen in a fairly short timeframe. I'm convinced any man who drags an affair out for years has no intention of leaving his wife.
Apparently the guy I was seeing is now having an affair with someone else... Hope she dumps him, and hope his wife eventually sees him for what he is, gets out of the marriage and screws him for every last cent she can get...
I had an on-off affair with a very manipulative married man for 3 years. I'm not excusing my behavior at all, and I feel really horrible now about his wife. But he kept telling me his marriage was a sham, he was going to end it etc. etc. and I stupidly believed him. Eventually I realized he was lying about that as well as everything else, so I ended it for good and cut him out of my life completely. He plagued me for a while with texts, calls, emails etc. I was really tempted to answer but I was strong and ignored every attempt he made to contact me. After a couple of months he gave up trying.
It was the best decision I ever made. I hadn't realised how much it had destroyed my self-confidence and self-respect until I was away from the situation. I now feel really sorry for his wife and thank god I didn't end up with him permanently. I'm now properly single and able to date single guys that aren't serial liers and don't have a ton of baggage, and it's so much better. I'm only sorry I wasted 3 years on that loser. I will NEVER get involved with a married man again.
I appreciate there are some cases where a man is genuinely unhappy, falls in love with someone else and they end up together. But I think this would happen in a fairly short timeframe. I'm convinced any man who drags an affair out for years has no intention of leaving his wife.
Apparently the guy I was seeing is now having an affair with someone else... Hope she dumps him, and hope his wife eventually sees him for what he is, gets out of the marriage and screws him for every last cent she can get...
Glad to hear you are now feeling happier and more in control of your life! Hope you are meeting lots of nice, single men!
veronica I came acroos the your site my goolge, I have been in moarning or at least that what it feels like, his wife found out and on week he is talking about us being together and the next week he is telling me she is going to give him a second chance, i work with him and I thought i loved him so much i have not been with my huband for about one year now, i am off work for three weeks I am so depressed and on medication, how do I let this bastard gooooooooi i call him at work just to see how he is doing how lame is that? help anybodymove on.
Dear Veronica, I recently googled the subject of why men have affairs and found this hub. I've read this whole thing
Dear Veronica, I recently googled the subject of why men have affairs and found this hub. I've read it and would like some advice. I've been having an affair with a married man for 3 years. I'm divorced after a very bad marriage and do not want to get emotionally involved in a relationship. I don't expect this man to leave his wife nor do I want him to. We see each other about once a week and that's enough. I've asked him why he has strayed outside of his marriage and he says because he and his wife are no longer happy but neither want to end the marriage. While I'm OK with his not wanting more from me in this relationship, I do feel bad for his wife and for what I'm doing to her if she indeed isn't unhappy in their marriage. I care about him, I'm not in love though. He meets my basic needs and truly does care about me. I'd like to end it because of the guilt I feel, but we work in the same department together (neither one of us can transfer departments) and I see him every day. I know I'd miss him if we ended the affair because I've done that once before. Any suggestions?
Ocean Girl,
Since you specifically asked for it, here's my advice. (I wouldn't have offered it otherwise.)
End it.
The self-serving things like that this meets your needs never outweigh what you're putting out there, and will absolutely come back to you three fold. If he and his wife are unhappy then he should be spending his time and energy either repairing their relationship or figuring out how to end. Spending time deceiving his wife, lying, cheating, and selfishly serving his own needs makes him no man at all, just a coward.
Don't be a party to it. Stop inviting and attracting deception and lies into your future by putting this out there into the universe. Anyone who tells you differently is lying, to you and to themselves.
Be better. Good luck to you.
veronica u r so right about those women sleeping with married men!! gross!!
It's been six years and I finally have had enough of this crap. All the broken promises, disappointments and waiting on the sidelines for "OUR" life to start. Sat him down, told him to call a divorce attorney or else I walk. "YOU After all the times I was told we'd be together after such and such date
I had a rel w/a married man until two weeks ago for about a month, it's short but nonetheless a bit painful. I've never loved anyone like I loved him, at least that's what I thought ... I just felt that he was made for me and I was made for him, we were so compatible in everyway except that he's married. That's the truth. LOL.
I wasn't used to seeing married men at all. In the beginning he had a lot of time to spent with me and me the dumbass had this perception that he was just one of the single men I've been dating, until one day he had to cancel our meeting short bec of family function, I just went ballistic (this was one week into our affair). I thought he was cheating on me with his wife. That made me physically sick. I let him know, "I ain't playing second string to anyone .." I'd had worked so hard hard to build my self esteem thru out my life and Im not gong to let anyone take it away from me. I went ballistic one more time with him before we broke up, he said I wore him out. It ended after a month (we did a lot of things in a month, he was fast...) which was two weeks ago.
Letting go is a process, I'm at a point now thinking "What the hell was I thinking". It's a live and learn experience. If I had not gone thru it I would be wondering how it's like to have a just a sexual relationship without any emotional attachment, I found fast that I could'nt do it. I like to apologize to his daughters, but not to his wife. She has a predisposition of an enabler (she has 2 degrees but refused to work, and and one of the two kids about to leave for college, they aren't babies anymore), anyway they two deserve each other. He doesn't have to leave his wife for me !!!!!!
Thanks so much Veronica, you have no idea how much you have helped me go thru this dumb mess and so many others in much worse situations. Im just learning about life. God bless you.
Great hub and advice Veronica
Hey Veronica! You spoke the absolute truth! I will be returning to read your blogs..so interesting. Hey feel free to read my blogs too. Take care!
You know what I have read the comments and How everyone seems to come down so hard on the other women. And I am actually speaking from both ends of the spectrum. It's not one sided for me. True we may be wrong for sleeping with married men but that alone hardly makes us whores. Especially if its our first affair. We are human just like everyone else and we make mistakes. No one is perfect. We should leave them alone I agree totally but the poor little wife you talk about isn't always so poor and pathetic like most of you would like to believe. I know I knew her personally and it seems like she was the gold digging bitch you portray us all to be. I never asked him for anything. And I was never trying to get him to leave her ass she seems to have done a good job at that all on her own. They have had problems for years per his mother, sister,and brothers telling me so. And she herself openly bosted about the money she would get out of the life insurance policy once he died. Yeah thats a good wife she sounds like a keeper. I have broken it off with this man about 2 months ago and he still texts and talks to me everyday. But as far as an affair between us there isn't one cause he is a liar and a cheater and I decided he was not the one for me. Not to mention numerous other women he openly sees in public and his wife is well aware but why does she take her self thru this? He has had her served with divorce papers which she wont sign and openly states its because of the money she will lose if she does . . . and oh that she loves him too. lol. Yeah right. He used both of us and everyone else he is involved with as well. Sounds like to me the bad guy here is him not the women.
Dear wastedkisses 69,
I believe things happen for a reason if we are willing to learn from it. I don't regret the kisses or the love that we made, I just regret having anything romantic thing to do with a married person. I believe the kisses aren't actually wasted, dear wastedkisses 69, that's just my take ...
I went to see a family therapist to figure things out and one thing that this affair clarified for me is that I am really beyond having children. I'd always felt ambivalent about it for years. It's clear now that I do not want to have any. The MM I dated wasn't able to have children anymore and that was just so fine with me, I was happy with just having him without any children together potentially between us.
Secondly this affair helped me figure out the kind of men that suit me better. Now I see that I do much better with generally single fathers than single men without children. A single father tend to be more selfless and caring, which is the main character trait that made me fall in love with the married man.
Lastly dear wastedkisses 69, like Isabella Snow writing the first comment in here, married men have issues. The will entangle any women involving with them in their mess and their confusion, immaturity, selfishness, insecurities, self indulgence, emotional problems, financial problems, etc. Like we don't have any problems of our own already ...
Much luck dear. Like Dr. Phil said, choose the behavior, choose the consequence.
you weren't only speaking to "lonely", but me as well. I needed to hear that. I have been telling myself the same things and yet continue to struggle with ending the affair that I'm in. The last year in this affair have been a mad roller coaster...And I'm ready to get off! Thank you Veronica :)
Dear Wastedkisses69;
If you truly read all the posts on here, somehow you skipped mine. I did not put down the other woman. I am a betrayed spouse. Married 18 years and betrayed the entire time. A serial cheater to be honest. Allot of men are serial cheaters, and even if you believe you are the one and only, there most likely have been more, you just don't know. But the woman is not the only one to blame. Like Maya the Mistaker in quoting Dr. Phil. That is a very true statement. Go back and read my posts, it may just explain why wives stay with their husbands, even when life gets tough.
Go to sexaddicts.com, read the blogs their on betrayed spouses and really feel their pain. He files for a divorce and she won't sign, read the laws, there are still ways for him to get a divorce, thats a cop out.
I am sorry you found yourself in such bad relationship. But come on any man who will cheat, once or multiple times, will do it again, it is in their core character.
Some men are in way worse relationships than your man was and they don't cheat, lie, steal time from themselves or their mate. They work through it, or try, and if it still doesn't work get a divorce before moving on.
We are women, we are smarted than this. Come on. Get honest, there was something in this relationship for you and that is the reason you let it happen, than when it turned out bad, you got hurt, angry, resentful, but in the end, it was YOUR CHOICE.
Lets keep it real here. When you know someone is married, before you get involved, make them end the other relationship and put you number one, or yet be smarter, DON'T GET INVOLVED.
What is wrong with you people? I think you all just enjoy the drama in our lives and cannot survice without it! Find single men!! Pathetic!
I was involved with a man for 2 months. As of 2 weeks ago he came clean and told me the truth. He is married. Let me tell you... it hurt me bad. I stopped seeing him. I had no idea that he was married. We would go out in public like any normal couple. Until, 3 weeks ago. Thats when things did'nt seem right between us. Naturally, I talked to him about it which ended up into a heated discussion. Naturally the BS came up about "how bad his relationship was".. etc.. etc... I did'nt except it, cus I believe... if it was all that bad, he would have had the smarts to make arrangements to end the relationship without hurting the wife or hurting the other women. I am not judging anyone for being in a married affair, yet... it is our choice, and it is our mistakes that makes us realize what we deserve out of life. I am not a perfect person, and have never been in a relationship knowing that the man was married. One thing I know, is that, I don't deserve a married man. I own 2 homes... a single parent of 1 teenage boy, with a career that will set me up financially well into my retirenment years. Now, why do I wanna waist my time on a man that cannot be true to himself? Nonetheless the people that come or are in his life? Further more, why should I support his butt after the wife takes every cent from him after the divorce? I don't, Do you?
Things happen for a reason. It's life.... that's how the world works now days. But, it's an individual choice as how you make your life. I choose not to go that route, I choose single men, that don't have Drama. I don't regret how this turned out, it was fun while it lasted. Although, I will screne the next man that comes into my life, a whole lot more than I did this man.
He still calls and sends me text's. He try's every which way to make contact with me, but, I just ignore the calls or I avoid the whole situation in itself. So, all of you men/women that are in an affair with a married person..... you deserve better. Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself... "Do I deserve this sh*t?" obviously, you don't. Most married people who have affairs have major issues... now, those issue's will become your issues if you choose to stay in the relationship. Do you want that for yourself? I sure don't. Please don't be upset about what I wrote... I just want all of you to know that there is alot of fish out in the sea... alot of nice men/women in this world. We all deserve better than 2nd string. I preferr to be 1st string. Like we all should be.
I am not dating right now, I chose to relax a bit. Although, I have been asked out more than enough times. It's real tempting too. Not that I don't want to date because of what this man did.... I am being real selective... Im just checking out the scenery and Im enjoying every bit of it.
So, all of you men/women that are going thru this.... move on and get out of it... Just walk away. Alot of times.... It's best to just do that, don't even talk about it.. it won't help one bit. Just walk, ignore the call's, avoid the whole contact thing. If that invidual becomes a problem (psycho) , file charges with your local Police Department. Move on and let the healling proccess begin... You will come out the winner and start living life again to the fullest. You are much stronger than you think. Thanks for letting me share this with you all, and good luck to those that are having a hard time dealling with your situation.
Hi everyone - I am involved with my high school sweatheart. We dated on and off for 5 years. My parents were not crazy about him at the time. He was the love of my life and we broke up because of my parents. He was so torn up about it that he left our hometown. Well he came back 6 months ago and within one month we were back together. Hadn't seen him in 15 years. I was getting divorced already - he was and still is miserably married. We both just broke it off because he needs to get his head together and wants to figure things out. We are both 40 years old now. He wants to leave her - I am torn because divorce is a nightmare and I love him so much I almost don't want him to go through with it. We both want to be together. Having met him at 15 and still so many years later being so in love is very powerful and hard to fight. I am leaving him alone so he can sort it out. I feel my situation is different because we share so much history and mutual friends. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
'I am leaving him alone ...' I like this decision that you made. It's right on. Ultimately you would want him to leave the marriage because of him and not because of you (eventhough you would want him to).
Yeah your situation is different since you knew each other since you're very young, but the issue remains similar to other issues that people have come in here to respond, you're unfortunately involved w/someone married. Just leave him alone (I really like and admire you for doing this cause it's not easy!), start dating and opening your heart to other single men. Come back to him when he's no longer attached and see if you still feel the same for him the way you do now. Please don't wait for him while he's getting his act together, it's not easy I have been thru it, but please get busy and live.
Ok first of all I would like to say something to these angry wives. You can call us whores, homewreckers or whatever...but the truth is you can't beat us up no more than we have been beating ourselves up. And what kind of satifaction are you really getting here. Name calling and critizing is not going to change the facts. Number 1-you married a cheating dog 2. no matter anyway you look at it, he will cheat again and again 3. Hello are we living on planet Earth here? Cheating is been going on since the beginning of time. And I see the blame always being placed on "the other woman" but all situations are not the same. Some MM don't disclose their marital status until the relationship gets so deep and their guilt starts to eat away at them that they do drop the bomb on us. I'm not saying that we are not at fault for this, but we are not at fault entirely. I do believe that some of you married women are in "denial" and don't want to believe that the man you share your bed with is also in the beds of several others. You place the blame on us, and they escape it free and clear which gives them the security to do it again. Why? The explaination is simple: THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT. In my opinion, if your man is notorious for cheating and you keep forgiving him what makes you think your ANY better than us "homewreckers" because you are just as guilty for contributing to his behavior as well. You can't expect the "the other woman" to carry the burden of her actions and his too....that's dumb. He made those vows to you, not us. Besides some of us feel the guilt much greater than you think.
hi i'm new to this site i recently found out my husband was having an affair with a female colleuge which i thought was a nice person as she broke her marriage off about a year ago with her husband then went after mine my marriage was on the rocks the love wasn't there like it wsa no communication and not much happiness there either,i found an old high school crush on the internet and started talking to him a lot he relit the flame inside that i thought could not be relit he made me feel a like someone that deserves things this went on for six weeks we never saw each other as he worked in sydney and i'm in melb and now he is in new york working which is fantastic we still talk which is good and my husband knows about him and nothing happened,my husband is a very jelous person couldn't handle me talking to an old friend which is all he is,then just over a month ago work had a mystery tour on and i thought here's my chance to find out if there is anything going on between these 2 1st sign was they didn't talk much which as far as i'm concerned they were friends so they should have talked heaps and she played that sugarland song stay and i thught hang on a second she wants him there is something going on here and i wantes the truth whhich he was weak couldn't tell me but i found out they were doing something but wasn't sure how far they went at that stage theyu said it was just kissing and cuddling so i thought ok decide what u want me or her he chose me and he stayed then all the friends got involved texting me and him then 2 weeks later the whole truth cam,e out they slept together twice and i thought how can i get through this as we have 2 girls together we r still working on our marriage i hope he doesn't do this to me again because that will be the end.he lied to me our friends which they are dissapointed with him that he has lied to them but she didn't think there was anything wrong with the lies u don't lie to friends and expect them to be happy with him i don't know can any one give me any advice to get over this hurdle for me myself now i am a stronger person then what i have ever been thanks for reading what i had to say michelle
I'm 31 years old. I wars raised privileged. I meet my husband when I was 17 and have been married for 13 years. He is the "perfect man" successful, attentive, humble, sweet, handsome, and was a minister. We had the perfect marriage, the type you only see in TV. I started working after 6 years of being the perfect suburban mom, exemplary to our spiritual community . I fell BIG time for my boss, a man who is an ex-Marine, completely opposite of my husband, not handsome, not romantic, not mannered, and 14 years older than me. I made the first move and initiated an affair. I started changing, coming home late, drinking, smoking, going out with the girls, and dressing very provocative. I'm 5'1, 123lb, smart, and bodily gifted .. guys coming on to me was old and not a new thing. I never even thought I would actually consider this but it happened.I'm not experienced in this matter and couldn't separate sex from emotions. My husband shortly found out. He was devastated. He forgave me. I didn't tell him the WHOLE story ( I left out the SEX part of it). He gave up his ministry because he no longer felt deserving. His wife also found out do to my inability to lay low. She forgave him as well although he denied everything. I must admit most of you will think I'm stupid, but I just don't know what I'm doing. He was never flattering or romantic, initially for him it was just about sex, although towards the end he started to open up and say he loved me. Soon after our spouses found out he resigned from the company. To make a long story short. It's been three months since he left. I have not heard from him since. On his last day, as I was emailing him about "US" , he calls and says..Stop I'm not on the computer it's my wife your talking to, it was to late, she got confirmation. I was frustrated so I told him it was over, I was tired of all this lying and hiding. He said ok, and we hanged up. We had already had this conversation many time before, but always found ourselves back together. Well now I'm goggling him, driving by his house, I have become a stalker..with no intentions of harming him or his family, but with this overbearing need to get closure and talk to him. I have followed him around but have never been able to make contact since his wife seems to be with him 24/7. What is worst is that I kind of feel he knows I'm stalking him. How embarrassing !! I don't know why I'm behaving this way. I need help. My husband has hit rock bottom with just the thought that his perfect, spiritual, wife would even think of such a thing. He hasn't been able to get over the whole thing an we are in the verge of getting a divorce. My husband is truly a great man, but I fell out of love. I feel I'm chasing after the impossible and the complete WRONG. This new man is not in any way better than my husband, so why...why am I doing this? My whole life revolves in thinking about him, and feeling defenseless, since I have no communication with him. I have tried to call him using other phones, but he simply wont pickup. He doesn't love his wife and always made it known to everyone he was in it for the baby. He seemed sincere when he said he loved me. He was living a sex less marriage. So why isn't he looking for me. Why have I become this person I don't know. I'm hurting those I love. I know that I would never leave my family for him ..I can't my kids wouldn't understand and I wouldn't ever give them another father. So why do I have this need of him. I feel I love him and can't breath without him. I need him yet I know this can't lead anywhere... how ..how do I get over this ..close this chapter of my life and focus on my family and becoming what we once where? Please if anyone can help I need advice. I talked to a co-worker today and she mentioned how he had told her how unhappy he was in his marriage and how it was his daughter that kept them together, (there were no intentions toward her trust me) well, this makes it worst. It's just more confirmation to me that he really didn't love his wife, and did or does feel something for me. I'm so lost. I have this need to just sit in my car around the block from his house hopping he will go out alone and I can approach him. I'm just a wreck. I can't stop. Yet if my husband finds out I'm doing this or the feeling I have of him, this will hurt him even more. I don't want to hurt him anymore he doesn't deserve that! I dream about my ex lover smell him and breath him. There isn't a moment of the day I don't think about him and how I could have been more careful to maintain this affair,,,,,but even that is wrong. Adultery is never acceptable. Please advise..
Wow, I thought I was different, my married man my was son's baseball coach. I approached him, just to see if I had it, my husband was deported and I was in need for some real attention if you know what I mean. He went right for it, he claimed he was not happy in his marriage, and that his wife no longer loved him. She is a real succuessful investment banker, and he was just a courier. I thought I was more his equal. At first we just started exchanging calls and texts, and then I started sending him naked pictures (just saying it at loud makes me fel dirty). Then it turned into a full blown affair. He tried to end it on several occassions, however that made me want him more. I even quit my job so we could have more time together. Now my home is in foreclosure. When his wife finally found out about it, she kicked him out and then I thought I had him for good. But while he was with me, he was now depressed and sad. He convinced his wife to take him back and now wants nothing to do with me... how could I be so stupid, and to make matters worse, he has told my wife about me (they live right down the street) and know I am afraid to go out of my house, because I do not know what his wife is capableof doing. I have even sent my kids to live with my hisband in Guatemela because I am so afraid. So before starting a relationship with a married man please read this and beware!!!
All single women should keep their hands off married men. Where are your morals!!! My husband had an affair and are trying to get past it. The damage that women like that cause is not funny. Yah he should have remembered he was marries. She kept making sure to be in his sight and played on his good heartednes. FIND A MAN OF YOUR OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tina i have to agree with you these single women need to leave married men alone.AND I MEAN ALONE.it is hard to get past sometimes.
To Michelle an Tina,
are you ladies really that niave to think that it is the "other women" who is doing the chasing? Before you attack us why don't you put the blame on the man that took the vows with you. He made promises to you, we didn't. Are you really that naive to think that your husband is a victim of "the other women". Because your husband is "good hearted" he cheated on you! Come on grow up and put he blame where it belongs. Most of the time its the mas who is coming on to and after the "other women". Take a look at your self also and a long hard look at your marriage and ask the true questions as to why your husband, the man who made promises to YOU made the CHOICE to cheat on you. Nobody is coherced into an affair. It happens when two adults make a decision to "go there". If you beleive any thing but that you need to be educated. Stop blaming everyone else for your problems, face them and fix them or leave!
to strawberry girl in my case it was the other woman who chased my husband as she was stalking him and didn't give up she wanted him more than he wanted her and it just happened it's not always the husbands fault to cheat the other woman does have a lot to do with the affairs to so you shouldn't always blame the wives to why our husbands cheat there a lot off reasons why it happens vunrablitly is a big thing in my case he was very confused with life at the time so i stick to my word single women need to find single men.
Well thats not the point Strawberry was making Michelle....and as being suckered into an affair that I knew nothing about the mans marital status until it was too late thats the point were making here. They are just as liable for chasing as the "other woman" is.I was in both situations my ex husband was having one night stands with women and they knew nothing about me and vice versa. So before you ladies actually know the facts and have concrete proof you have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. And yes I will admit that they are some serial cheaters out there and some of us end up marrying them...no doubt!!!! Not saying cheating is right, but we sometimes get ourselves in situations we know shouldn't be. But like Strawberry was saying, you really don't know a person no matter how long of marriage and what he says....actions do speak louder than words and if you really want to ever see what some men are capiable of doing keep after your man quit back sliding, or they will take you for a ride.
to sickandtired
she did know that my husband was married and yes i do understand that some women don't know that these men are married i fully understand that don't get me wrong,you might think i'm nieve but i'm not really as i said when someone ias vunrable they are at the most not thinking straight you would have to agree with that we are all human and sometimes our feelings and our thoughts arn't always the right thing to do.but when you know someone meaning the other woman and she knows that you exist then she should back off.because she knows exactly what she is doing.
Somehow it still amazes me that people seem to neglect the simplest and most basic fact behind affairs. If you are cheating, you are looking for something you aren't getting; either sex or emotional attention. OF COURSE the affair is going to be all good times and fun, why would you continue if it wasn't? If your married man is so romantic and sensitive and special, why can't he fix his marriage? While you are cheating, you are both getting only the best of the other, not the drama, not the down times. IF, big if, someone actually leaves their spouse for you, eventually, 'life' will catch up to you both, and it wont be all fun and games. And round two of the cheating will begin.
And whats with you "victim" wives? I do feel for you being cheated on, and I would never try to justify the behavior, but.....When the first reaction I hear is how 'she' is a whoe, and a slut etc., I am inclined to believe you lack some self esteem. Remember, these guys are lying (to you AND to her), she is being told whatever will make her think that an otherwise wrong liason is ok. Why is he looking? Why is he unhappy? You cannot convince me that each and every wife concerned was the perfect woman. First thing you need to do is blame your man. THEN you need to look at yourself. The other woman is really inconsequential in the big picture of things. Getting bitter and vindictive actually sounds a bit like your way of dealing with being jealous. Thats often what it is right? I mean, she DID offer him something that you didn't.
The other self esteem issue I saw was the commenter who had already been living paycheck to paycheck with four kids. WHAT THE FUCK? Dont people ever consider the cost of kids? maybe you shouldn't have had four of them in a situation that was so tight. Mmaybe instead of staying home, you could have worked to help bring in income. And the second you tell me how hard that is to do with kids, I fall back on the "why did you keep having them" question. Its sad to me that you let yourself get totally dependant on someone like that. Again, im not saying you deserved to be left, but what the hell were you bringing to the relationship besides another child every couple years?
Veronica, the truth hurts, and you do a fine job of dishing it out. Some posts made me sad, but most made me sick. You have a new fan in me.
Dr Finny,
I'm sorry I made ya sick, glad I have a fan in you, and grateful for the very constructive feedback. I really don't mean to make people sick, I really mean to make them think. think about reality before having kids, before getting married, before having an affair. Life can be hard, but entering into life-altering commitments without thinking them through wisely makes them even harder.
I'm enjoying your HUB Tips for dating a single dad. very well done!
So Humiliated
I had an affair with one of my co-workers for six years. He is married and has been for 24 yrs; I am married and have been for 22 yrs. I trusted this man, he was my friend. I did anything and everything for him. (Emails, pictures and even the way I was dressing sometimes, was because that is the way he wanted me.)
It all started out as a game. I didn’t think that I was going to get attached. He would call me all the time and have me meet him either at the boat dock or under a bridge. He would meet me at my best friend’s house. He would have drinks with me and my friends, just so that he could be near me. My best friend has seen all of this. There was a time that I was at my best friend’s house sitting on the front porch, when he came over and sat in front of me and stuck his hand up my skirt. Then there was another time when we were at work. My best friend and I were sitting at the picnic table when he came over and sat next to me and stuck his hand up my skirt. Every time that we have been together it has been only for an hour or two. He always started things, I never initiated anything, it was always his doing.
What I don’t understand is, I thought he cared about me, from what he told me. But then I found out from my best friend that he kept telling her that I would not leave him alone, I was psycho and that nothing was going on between us. Well she found out different. She knew that everything he was telling her were lies.
Finally about a year ago I finally told him that I was done. He would still manage to call or email me. Stupid me, would always reply, only because I cared about him a lot.
Three weeks ago he called me because he knew that I was down in the dumps. So he asked me to meet him at the boat dock. I asked him if he really wanted me to meet him there, he said yes. So stupid me, met him there. We talked, had a few drinks, when he started to mess with me. Only this time I would not allow it.
Then about two weeks ago on Thursday I asked him for some advice, he told me to call him later that night. I called him later that night to talk to him about my son. He then proceeds to inform me that one of the guys at the office had questioned him on what was going on between him and the receptionist. So I told him that I had heard the same thing, but I had not said anything to him about it because he always gets mad at me. I told him then, I didn’t care what he did. It was none of my business. He then told me not to trust anyone at work. My comment back to him was “does that include you as well?” He replied with, I have never burned you have I? I said NO, because I wanted to believe him.
Three days later, he is not talking to me; he has his new click of friends not speaking to me. HE has run me down to them, especially the one that I had told him about that they were talking about. Needless to say he’s told them that I was the one spreading rumors about them, because I have this infatuation with him. Then I find out by someone else, that they are mad at me because of a phone call that was made to the receptionist husband. I did not make the call. Then supposedly there was a letter that was mailed to her husband as well, that I have no clue about either.
I wished that the person that had told me about them having an affair did not tell me. I suspected it. It was obvious. He was treating her the same way he was treating me while we were having our affair. HE meets her on breaks, he brings her drinks and candy, and he meets her for drinks. HE used to do all of this with me, but yet he tells her and their click of friends, that I am psycho and I am after him. That he is not having an affair. HE is, and he knows I know, but he wants me to think that they are not. Again, I don’t care. But like I said, now he has everyone against me, because of his stupid lies. HE is a liar, a manipulator, womanizer, and pervert. He has everyone fooled that he is this nice and caring person, hell he had me fooled as well, but not NO more.
So for the past week I have felt humiliated, run down and degraded because of him, and I have everyone mad and upset with me because of his lies. I don’t think that he would know the truth if it slapped him in the face. What should I do? My Best Friends is also trying to help me. She keeps telling me to just leave everything alone, that it will subside. I just dont know how I can do it. He has hurt me one to many times.
Confused and Humiliated,
You know this is all ridiculous..everyone wants to tell the single woman how stupid she is...is this a joke? get real..all you married women whom have been cheated on are bitter..but in most cases you knew what type of man you had in the beggining and now wanna act "brand new" . get a grip. Secondly he is the one who is married..NOT her..he took those VOWS..not her..its such a freaking cop out because society blames the single lady and the married loser is forgetten about..get a grip everyone. and I don't feel sorry for his wife? what for? She knows what the hell type of man she has..its called a womans intuition.
Dear Rose,
Live well, and enjoy your life with your friends. This will pass, people do not have the time, or energy, to drell on him or you.
So enjoy your life, and do it well!
I am not doing this fighting, blaming thing, it is ridiculous and get us NO where. I am a cheated on wife, and I did not know who I married. Believe what you want. Trust me, they lie to the OW and they lie to the wife. But any woman who gets involved with a man she knows is married, gets what ever she gets. The wife is an innocent victim, there is nothing she could ever do or say that could make a man have an affair, period....because he has the option of leaving the marriage first. Not happy, leave. Simple.
Anyway, on we go: Any wife who has been cheated on and wants to heal, go to: www.healingheartswithhope.blogspot.com, read the comments there, than go to the Harboring Hope link and listen to the downloads, they are really good and can help you on your journey to healing.
If some of you OW want to go read, go, enjoy. Get to know the pain that is caused in someone else's life by allowing a married man to use you, or love you without conditions. If he loves YOU, he will leave his wife.
i'm not someone who feels sorry for her self as it has made me wake up to what i have and to work harder for because in life and marriage we all get lazy and don't try.thats why our husbands cheat some don't like what us wifes have become over the years i'm glad things didn't get to the stage off breaking with my husband.my marriage is a lot stronger and better for him having the affair and as painful as it is to admit it i have this woman to thank for what she did she brought him back to life and thats a good thing.now life is good and she has moved on with someone else who isn't married with luck and good luck to her thanks sam for what u did for our marriage if u read this life is better.for all these other wifes out there if there is no communication your marriage is simply going to over it's hard to work it out how really imoportant it is but if you don't have that as a starting point then it is simply over.
i am a cheated wife and my hsband isn't proud off what he and this woman did but at the end off the day she gave him something he wasn't getting from me .we are not perfect in our life no one is but we need to look at why our husbands cheat on us and try fixing it thats all we can do if it's to far gone then there is not much we can do.so thank-you again for reading my words.
Michelle, I hope it works out for you. It didn't for me. My husband blamed me for his affair and just like you, I felt that I had some part in his cheating so I forgave him, gave him another chance, never threw it in his face and started concentrating on him. I asked myself what benefits the OW gave him that I wasn't giving him because of the daily chores of taking care of kids, going to work, cleaning the house, etc. Looking back on it, boy, did he have it made after I discovered his affair. I never bitched at him to pull his weight around the house because I told myself that our marriage was more important than the house, even though I may have been tired, I was always ready to have sex with him, I gave him space so that he didn't feel trapped and I, like you felt that our marriage had become stronger after all the pain his affair had caused. I wasn't worried that he'd leave me for the OW because I knew the statistics that married men will not leave their families for some pathetic woman who can't get a single guy to pay attention to her and are so desperate for a man that they say yes to the married guy's advances. One of the conditions of me giving him another chance was that he never talk to the OW again but I knew that he would continue to see her if he thought I would never find out. Fortunately, I was friends with my husband's secretary and she told me how it all went down at work. He pretty much just ignored her and she made a fool of herself trying to get him to go back to the way things were between them (going out to lunch, she driving him to the Bart, etc.) Apparently, it was quite the scandal at his work while the affair was going on. I feel that she deserved what she got. But then, what I feared might happen if I gave him another chance happened again so I threw him out. I'm sure he would have dumped this OW too but I realized he wasn't worthy of me. He proved to me that he was not the man I thought I had married. Faithfulness and honesty is very important to me and when we married, he had convinced me that he was this type of man or I would never have dated him or married him for that matter. But he fooled me and he fooled the OW. After he left, I found all the women he had been chatting with on-line and seeing on the internet. I knew the OW would believe that he left me for her but I no longer cared because I had lost all my respect for him. As for the OW, the last time I saw him, he told me that he'd broken up with her because she wanted a committed relationship and he told her he wasn't ready to settle down with anyone after being married for so long. Karma's a bitch. This is the lesson for those women who go after married men. These men just want variety. You are just the first one on their list no matter what they say to you or what they say about their wives. I know Karma will get him too one day for all the pain he's caused. As for me, I'm trying to spot those mid-life crisis guys so that I don't end up falling for another pig who can't keep his dick in his pants. Does this make me bitter? I don't think so. It makes me angry that I wasted all this time on someone like him. The first question I ask a man who's interested in me is why their marriage failed. The moment they tell me that they were bored or the magic had gone out of their marriage, I move on. There are too many men out there to waste my time on a male slut and I would never cause another woman the pain I felt by having an affair with a married man. I look down on married men who are trying to pick up on me and I tell them to their faces what I think of them. Married men cheat because they can because some married women allow it and because there are plenty of desperate women out there who settle for being the OW because they can't get a single guy for themselves. No, it wasn't me. I was a great wife. I kept myself up, I'm very attractive, intelligent, I'm an engineer, I'm a lot of fun to be around and I don't have a problem with men being attracted to me. Yet my husband cheated, just like David Duchovney cheated on Tia, just like Christie Brinkley's husband cheated on her and just like John Edwards cheated on his wife who has cancer. These men are all pigs and the desperate women who date them deserve what they get.
Well it finally happened my great friend in which I was having awesome sex with got caught ..... all because of me and a stupid text message i sent him. Feeling worse than dirt right now. She called my cell phone and then my house phone and really didnt chat with her. She told me who she was and wanted to know what going on between me and her husband...my phone was dying and she was disconnected. I told her I would call her back ...but had no idea what to say.....I unplugged all the phones in the house in case she called me back dont need hubby overhearing. Really didn't want to talk to her but knew i had too. So itried calling her back on his cell phone but she didint answer......and then my phone rang and rang.....didnt know what to do ...was'nt sure what he said...was thinking have to get stories straight.......then the phone rang and I answered it. It was him......not good wife saw my racey text message...things not good with him...she is leaving him.....WHAT WAS I THINKING HE HAS 5 KIDS. Little insight ...we worked together for 4 years and then i quit my job and started next door...still real close...now to close He called me at work on thursday to tell me what he said.........chat work together fool around but no sex. On thursday after i left work a co-worker was telling me there was a woman whaling on the door looking for MO at 430.....didnt think anything of it at first but then that pit in my stomach ..it was her...... my co-worker told her I only work til 415.... freaked out stressed out and paranoid now............. On Sat. he called me to give me heads up that his wife is on the war path and indeed she came to see me at work and probably will continue until she sees me. She is leaving him and moving out of town not sure about the kids.......and he told her EVERYTHING! why would he do that? I told him deny or make it light. He says that she is crazy..............I would be too if i found out my hubby was screwing around when I have 5 kids at home... I dont know how to handle the confrontation with her....any advice?I havent ate cant sleep just feel worse than dirt....will it get better?Will I ever see him again? I think im in love with him ... I think about him all the time........just wanna chat and be with him... and to hurt him so bad was not my intentions ...which leaves me feeling sick to my stomach. How could something so good turn so bad? Where do I go from here? Do I tell my spouse? or hope it never comes out?
please help as i need all the help I can get. Look forward to feedback postive orr negative both are welcome
To Crazy Lady,
All I can say to you is hold on for the ride. I to have been in your situation. A year and a half ago I sent my MM a text that his wife intercepted. He called my house to tell me his wife got the text and my husband answered. Not a good situation. They are still together, as are we (MM and I) My husband and I are currently going through a divorce. Thats OK because I am better off without him and the marriage was not good before my affair. My husband called all of our bosses at work, mine and his. All the way up to the President of the Company, and its a very big company. We had to have security posted at our office. Embarrasing but we made it through. As fas as telling your husband think about several things. How will he react? Violent? Towards you or your MM? What about her? She may take care of telling your husband for you. My husband called his wife to confirm the affair to her. He wanted some one else to feel what he felt. How would your husband react to being told by some one other than you? Who do you want to be with, your husband or him? Is he worth your marriage? Mine was. Is your affair more of just a sex thing? If so probably not worth wisking what you have if its good. My relationship with hime is so beyond sex. For the first year we only made love once! His wife has not left him. Not sure why. Maybe its as easy as that she loves him. Or maybe its their four kids. I dont know where our relationship is going to end up. But I know that I do love him completely. And I know that he loves me. WE have been through so much together and we are still together. Is not about sex, its about a conection that is so real and so true we cant walk away. I beleive in my heart that some day we will be together. Maybe when we are old and gray, who knows. I'll take it if thats the case. Good luck to you. Stay strong. Stay focused on you. And really think things through. It will be a tough road.
After reading all of these for some reason I feel my situation is a tad bit different, but I agree with many of the things that have been said about having an affair with a married man. I have always been a very happy person, many friends, a great family, and I love my job. I was with the same man for 5 yrs, never married, and we just fell out of love, but it was mutual and are still great friends. My affair with a married man only lasted about 4 months before we both ened it. The hardest part is that he is my best friend and has been for years before any of this started. I don't like his wife and havnt since the day he started dating her. I am the only friend that stuck by his side and didn't ditch him bc of my dislike of his wife like they did. I truly love him and never realized my feelings for him were so deep until we actually sat down and talked about it. I also never realized his feelings for me. The sad thing is that we did what we did which is WRONG....I know that!! I am not stupid or depressed or lonely or unhappy or a bad person. I don't hear his relationship is bad from him, I see it and have seen it for almost 6yrs. I know why he doesnt leave, bc he does care about her. He cares enough that he told her about our affair and she said...."I don't care bc I'm not inlove with you either and I know she loves you and can give you what you need" . So, basically they are still together right now bc of their age and bc they both want a child. They don't sleep together, or "sleep" together. She totally ignores him and treats him like crap. He said he is afraid that if he leaves her for me that bc I am a tad younger than him I'm gonna get tired of him like she did and leave him for another man. So, I ended things and I am dating someone who I really enjoy being around. He is miserable as always and we are still great friends. My question to you all is.....how do I stop having feelings for him? I get butterflies everytime I see him, I want to talk to him all the time, and be with him, but I don't bc I know that it is wrong no matter what his f'd up wife says. He agreed to stop everything bc he doesnt want to hold me back, which as dumb as it sounds, I guess in a wierd way I understand. I just don't know how to stop the way that I feel. I don't act on it, but I still feel the way that I do. I feel you can't help how you feel, but you can control your actions and I have, but I am hurting bc I can't stop the pain and I know he feels the same way, but we just don't talk about it anymore.
Amy
Amy44 - I completely understand how you feel. I have been having a simular relationship with a man for over a year. His wife really does not like him or care whay he does with who. They stay together for the kids really. Him and I are best friends and we used to talk often about our feelings towards each other. But recently he has told me that he worries about me, that he feels he is holding me back from having a relationship with another man. I know what he means and I suppose in some ways he is, but at the same time I know that its me not wanting to loose what we have together. I could move on but I don't want to. I know that he will never leave his wife for me no matter how much he wants to because of his daughter. I have never felt love like this before in my life and I am sure I will never find it again. I am not unhappy or depressed, I knew from the begining what I was getting myself into. Yet I know that I cannot go on like this forever. I guess what I am saying is that I understand how it feels to be told that they want to stop bc they feel they are holding you back. It makes you feel loved, respected, and crushed all at the same time. It very a confusing situation. I wish I could say that I have an answer for you but I don't. It is however refreshing to read in these posts that I am not alone in my situation.
Some of these comments have been harsh but I needed that as I was the other woman for a year and a half. He has now moved on to "greener pastures". Yes, he still has his wife and his family, but he found somebody "better" than me and his wife now. My heart is broken, but I deserve that as I believe in what comes around goes around, but I also believe in "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers", thanks Garth. I am now beating myself up for even doing something like that as I have always been a better person than that and I just hate myself for doing that to his wife as I am feeling the pain now. I don't know if she ever even knew about us but I still hate that I did that to her and don't know that I can ever forgive myself for it. It has been 10 months (yes 10 months) since he left me for the "other woman" and I'm still not over this man (no were not in contact and he knows nothing of the pain he casued me) (that I fell totally in love with. I just want to move on and don't know how to. Any suggestions would be great. Email me at niecylovinlif@yahoo.com I don't mind the nasty emails either as I feel that I deserve that too, but truly i want emails to help me move on and put this painful time in my life in my past and leave it there. Thank You so much. Any help would be gratefully appreciated. I have not attempted to date anybody as i don't feel worthy. Like they deserve somebody better. Please email me if you get a chance. Thank You, Denise
Hello everyone,
It's very sad how women fall in love with mm and it's very sad how spouses place the entire blame on the woman ! I feel in love with this man who spoiled me and cared for me. I know, I know "if he cared he would have left her, right!" In my opinion I think he got caught up in everything a beautiful young and professional woman who cared and paid attention to him. Sounds better than to face the wife at home who I can't even judge b/c I do not know her. Why if after the second or third time why can't you just see that he doesn't care nor for the wife or the other woman. Why do they stay when it's clear that he is not happy /or she will not be happy since their will be no trust what so ever in that marriage. Yes, the children but when parents are not happy what makes them think that the children will make them any happier I actually heard that it makes it more difficult. Whatever the situation is I only see here that sometimes we cannot help "falling for someone who actually makes you feels happy." I feel bad for the spouses but in some cases women forget to work on their relationships and think that by having a ring it's enough and it's not you need to keep your marriage balanced. STOP blaming the other woman, he is the one who knows has a wife at home. I just had to say this ... You can not help meeting amazing people and/ at times falling in love with people. Thank you ! :)
Hi Amy,
You know I do know what you are talking about. The best thing is to move forward with your life. Sometimes it's best to move on then to keep waiting for someone who just settles! he knows she doesn't care he probably likes it NO ONE just stays to stay... Move on and when you move on he will actually see it that he has lost his opportunity to be with someone who actually cares for him. He likes the life that he lives he chose it ! Now stop and move forward whatever decision you decide do not look back. Do not look back. Be strong and positive that you will be in a better situation, you really also don't the wife to keep thinking that you are the fool for staying with him knowing that his treated miserably and he still stays, come on!!!!!!!!!!! Be positive and stay confident with your decision ! Show him that he will not be the reason for not giving someone else who may be in fact a potential keeper. Like I said "we are human and we cannot control falling in love, we do not mean bad it's part of life." Best wishes and start the New Year with lots of confidence I know I have started too! Although it hurts to let go of someone you care for sometimes it's best to let go without any words. It will actually be the best for us and for them... :)
um only 18 yrz n um having an affair with 44 yr married man for the last 3 yrz i doooooo love him n i guess he does too bt its impossible 4 us 2 get married for the age issues besides he already has 2 children after reading your topic i guess its the time to le go of this relation athough um pretty sure tht he will neva let go of his wife for me n i wont even agree on such a thing bt um the only pathetic person after all
Hrm,
Very interesting comments. I feel however that everyone is caught up in the sterotypes and "oatmealish" behavior. I recently "stole" a wife away from her husband, along with three kids that he loves dearly. I use the term "stole" so you dont' have to. She was unhappy, I was unhappy we found each other online and have been happy ever since.
Really it comes down to being happy. Despite all the ramifications of our actions, such as child care (first time father here), support, immigration fees, etc, we love each other. As far as human interaction goes, who is to judge.
Granted, if you are just playing your naive part in some married guy's harem, there isn't much love there and judgement can flow from anywhere. If you love him/her, and I do mean LOVE, no force on earth shall prevent you. The only thing to stop you is social form, and that is as fickle as a pregnant woman's cravings.
Everyone has their own thoughts about certain situations but in this situation, if you haven't been in it, leave it alone. Everyone can say what they will and won't do, what they will and won't take, until they have been in those shoes. I don't put all the blame on the woman. That man knew he was married when he got with that woman. He made those vows to God, so it is God who will deal with him, not you or I. I am speaking from experience and no I am not a whore. So stop judging people or the situation if you haven't been in the situation yourself.
MS and Free,
Thank you both for your words of encouragement and guidance. Things are getting easier as time goes by. We are still great friends and that is all that I want at this point. The horrible thing is that his wife was told last week that she will not be able to conceive bc of her age and they have been trying for 5 yrs with no luck, trying every method possible. I feel horrible for him and her(even though she isnt my favorite person in the world, I still have empathy). Now she keeps bringing up the word divorce and they have both seen lawyers. He wants to be with me and I understand that, but I cant right now for my own reasons. I told him that once he gets the divorce and gets settled that we will revisit the situation. As I said before, I am dating someone and I really like and respect him. I WILL not do the same thing to him that he did to his wife. With that said, I am still head over heals for him. This just really sucks as I was getting over things and starting to move on, but I guess as they say: " If it is meant to be it is meant to be".
Amy
I have no empathy for anyone other than the people being cheated on. If this man/woman is your soulmate, best friend etc.., then demand that he/she respects you, their spouse and themselves. No one can make anyone stay in a bad relationship, kids are so resilient and if they really cared about their kids, then why subject them to this type of behavior, people who claim they stay for the kids, use this as an excuse, to have the best of both worlds.
Typically the spouses are the ones that this individual respects the most. Trust me if you were in the room with the spouse, you would be the one that he/she ignores. So in my opinion and to most of society, if you indulge in this type of behavior, it speaks volumes of your character and your self esteem. What you are saying very loudly and very clearly is that "I DO NOT MIND BEING # 2" in the best case scenario but often times you are down the chain as #3, 4 5, etc.
And with all the various diseases out there, I hope all you #2s, 3s and 4s are practicing safe sex. Chances are if you made this bad decision then most likely you are not.
Now to all of you faithful spouses, I know this might sound a bit cliche, but what your spouse do in the dark comes out in the light at some point. If you are married to someone unfaithful and you find out about it, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not stay. There is someone out there for you, who will love you for you. He/she does not deserve your time, energy, space or thoughts. Let #2, 3,4 etc have their cheating asses. They deserve each other. And just remember KARMA is your friend. Just sit back and indulge in their misery because it's coming sooner rather than later. Keep your heads up!!!
To Dontbe#2 - I dont think that we are rally looking for your sympathy. Maybe just a little understanding. And even if we dont get that than so be it. I dont think you can truly understand this side of the affair unless you have been in it. And maybe we dont understand your side unless we have been there. I can only image the pain and desperation you feel when you find out that your husband is cheating. But the problems did not begin with us. They where there before we came into the picture. A man does not cheat if he has what he wants and needs at home. I'm not talking about kissing his ass. But keeping the communication alive, making EACH OTHER feel important. life sucks and we tend to take it out on the person that is closest to us. The husband or wife. Talk to each other. Appreciate each other. Say please and thank you. Have great crazy sex. Dont be to tired to spend time togetrher. And most of all respect each other. Dont loose sight of who you are, but relize your husband/wife is also a person with feelings and wants and needs also. Neglect causes these problems. Real life cause these problems. And it takes extra work on everyones part to keep it together. If you love them make it work. If you are just co-existing let them go. Its better for everyone involved. Life is not a competition, its about happiness and making people happy. I cant stand people who go through life miserable. I would rather be alone than be with some one who make me miserable. Right now I am with some one who makes me happy. ANd right now being #2, #3 or #6 in my case works. who knows if it will forever. But I love my MM and he loves me and it works for me. Maybe not for his wife. But that is a choice that she makes and it is her decision to stay or go.
To Starwbery Gir
I am not even going to try and explained anything else to you. I think Kate tried to to explain it quite eloquently a few months ago. But since you are still on this site trying to explain your case and looking for some understanding.... makes me wonder just how happy you are. Are you trying to convince the readers, your MM or yourself that you are quite happy being "in your case #6".
If you are then God bless (however I really doubt that any Higher Being would really send you someone else's husband)... whatever helps you sleep at night.
Now to Kate I did check out your site and commend you for staying put. Maybe Straberry gir should check it out as I no doubt think most MM, once outed feel the same way as your husband. The affair for most part has NOTHING to do with what the wife is, not or should be doing at home, but has everything to do with his own selfish needs.
Peace Out!!!
all I can say to this after reading the post is that karma is b!tch. I apologize for my language but whether you believe in it or not it will come back around and bite hard. we have all seen it or know someone who has been hurt. I just don't understand how a person could fall to such a low level and hurt someone in one of the most painful ways. here's my advice - if you have feelings to explore than be honest and close off your relationship with the other before you embark on another - it will not hurt as much as when you get caught...and you will get caught - great hub! and comments
Amber90... THANKS!!!!
This is not rocket science, but yet everyone feel their MM is different. If he soooo loves you (then I have a bridge I want to sell you). Demand that he leaved the current relationship (stop being these men toilets and YES I said toilets).... If he is so unhappy why wait for the wife to call it quits. Tell them to man up and do it...
He can only go as far as you allow him to. And these men prey on vulnerable, or low self esteem women. So do not allow yourself to be that anymore. Look this thing is not new, it's been going on since the beginning of time. With today's technology it's just a lot easier and because we have women in this society that can care less about sisterhood it makes it real easy. So before you indulge in someone else's husband, Demand that he respects you.
I am the last person to suggest that anyone should be married forever, and if either party is not happy and you cannot work it out, then I think you should part ways.. amicably. None of this undercover BS. Then you are both open to start new healthy relationships.
And as women that's what we deserve, so if you really think your MM loves you demand his respect, not some stolen moment of time, or a phone call here and a text there. Trust me, we will be better men and women for it, and so will the generations to come.
To Starwbery Girl
I totally agree with dontbe#2 and since you have convinced yourself that you are the poster the girl for the other woman! Here's my take:
"I cant stand people who go through life miserable. I would rather be alone than be with some one who make me miserable. Right now I am with some one who makes me happy. ANd right now being #2, #3 or #6 in my case works. "
Deep down, aren't you lonely.. You have to be. Right now it's the holidays and we are settling down with family and friends surrounded by people we love. Which night do you get, tonight, tomorrow or did you guys do your special holiday weeks ago. All because I can bet my paycheck Mr Man will be spending Christmas with his wife and their children.
C'mon, if you love him how you profess to love him in every blog, how can you not be lonely (are you up crying yourself to sleep) thinking oh how it should be you. But why should it be you, you do not even have the self respect that you were born with. Why should he choose you, you clearly said to us, and to him I'm sure every chance you get, I will take you anyway I can have you. Hell if I was him, I would have my cake and eat it you. You clearly do not mind being a door mat.
Listen I was married man once, and made an error in judgement and lost the only woman I will ever love. If I can turn back the hands of time I would do it different. I was with that other woman, for one reason. because I could be with her. She offered nothing more than some satisfaction for that moment. She could have never walked in my wife shoes. Too bad I only now realize that at the cost of my marriage.
If you are out that MC, I love you and I am sorry.
V
The story is long, I'll condense it. We've all been there, or we wouldn't be here. I became involved with a flight attendant. She was "leaving" an affair with a married pilot. Had bee ongoing for four years. Her second (that anyone else knows about), his first (supposedly). She has two daughters (then 11 and 14), which her ex won in a custody battle, mostly because of her career. Pilot has two daughters (then 4 and 6). He wouldn't divorce. They continued with the ultimate sacrifice being constantly promised. I entered the picture. Started as a friendship. I was freshly divorced after my ex had an affair with a boy half our age (42/21). I was smitten with my new friend. She was planning ahead. She used me to get at the pilot to make him commit. I know she continued to see him while with me, but we were uncommitted. Lasted for seven months. We went everywhere on fabulous, and fairly inexpensive, vacations. Then out of the blue, the pilot proposes to her on a plane full of passengers. She accepts. Goes back to him. He files and divorces his wife and daughters. They were close to moving in together and he backs out. Supposed to be married 08-08-08. Didn't happen. She hunted me down in April. We got back together. Lasted seven months. Out of the blue, he again asks her and she again accepts. I, stupidly, put my life on hold for this person. I read a prior post above about soul mates. Every day I search for some meaning to have destroyed my life over the last 2-3 years. Today, this board allowed me another chink in the armor of healing. To all of us "other" people, are we so low on self esteem that we lower our standards for the lying and cheating? What do we expect in our lives with a known, adnitted cheater? Do we not deserve better? Our soul mates should build us up, not tear us down. I am heartbroken, but I'm learning, slowly, to mend it with the man I am, not the doormat I used to be. The two of them truly have earned, and deserve, each other. My sadness is for all the examples we have set for our children to follow, especially the cheaters.
To Strawberry Girl:
You would rather be with someone as anything but a priority? And you claim to be happy? Look in the mirror. Are you truly happy being someone's "option". Really? I was there and did that. I can tell you this, I will be working on that mistake for years to come to rekindle my self esteem and net worth of how I feel about myself, and how the one's who deserved my love and attention were decimated watching me throw away my life. What a shallow vision you have of yourself.
And to all the "others" out there. Do we really think we can walk in the wife's/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends shoes and fill the capacity they do. We're referred to as "others" because thats the definition. We are not, "The one's" chosen. And study the statistics. Relationships that start out as affairs don't work, although there are rare exceptions. They end the way they began. Only a lot faster and a lot more bitter.
Its one hundred percent about instant gratification, whether it be the attention, the sex, the money, the travel, whatever. We will do anyhting and everything to make this last, whether its working or not, because it makes us feel special. And then its gone. And the memories fade to nightmares because the sacrifice were far greater than the rewards. Its called regret. We have to have a conscience to feel it. Be wary of those who would say they have no regrets.
This one is a no-no for me.there is absolutely no reason to have an affair with a married man.The truth is that YOU choose to love if that is your delusioned excuse.as hard as that may be we always have a choice.And that married man you are dating......well you should know better than to mess with the sanctity of marriage.If he is not renewing his vows to his wife and family every minute of the day and is messing around with you then itz about time you get with the program and realise that even if he leaves his wife for you it probably won't be much different.and really what kind of example are you setting?dating married folk is wrong-period.If they have issues in their marriage let nature take it's course and don't you be the fuel to the additional problem.The man should know better but more importantly YOU should know better and shouldn't settle.You are better than that........or atleast we would like to think that you are.Do you and go get yours!not someone else's.
Came across this because reading on divorce support forums wasn't getting me anywhere. I was with my ex since 1998, married in 1990. He had his 3rd affair Aug. 2007 and moved out Sept. 07. We have 3 kids together, he's 47. the whore is a co-worker, 32, married and 2 kids. Her divorce was final before ours. They've lived together since he moved out of our house. they appear to be happy. whatever. i hate them so much that i can't get on with my own life. I'm 50, and every day just seems like another day to remind me that I was so easily discarded by such a whore. I have no desires to meet another man. I had had my share of pain in life before him, he knew and acted like he was so understanding and caring. He always said how crazy in love with me he was, that was the reason he gave me for the first 2... that when we had problems, he had to have a distraction. I was stupid enough to believe him. Now, they are the reason that I have no trust in men or women since. I have made no friends. What little dating I've done is just going thru the motions. I want so bad for him to walk in on her with another man so he can feel what it's like to be kicked in the stomach and feel like you're dying. It hurts that bad. every day. If it wasn't for my 3 kids, I really don't know if I would have kept going. Here it is, alittle over a year, and I don't feel hurt but just dead now. Since they showed me such little disrespect, I can't seem to find any for myself.
I really don't know what to do. Oh, and I finally got in touch with his 1st wife (no, I did not see him while they were together) but I did find out that he had an affair on her while she was pregnant with their daughter. He'd told me that she'd screwed around on him and had one to get back at her. Karma can't come fast enough for me to see them get what they deserve destroying families like they have.
I would like to start a website to list women who are willing to get involved with married men..........remember all of you 'forgotten women' there is a warm place waiting for you and you will have lots of company when you die.
Do all of the wives out there a favor..if you cannot find your own unmarried man, take a gun and shoot yourself, thereby preventing the misery and heartache you cause to families.
My husband was in a crisis like no other he has experienced and a willing 'person' I refuse to call her a women was happy to help him even though she was married and all she said was she was looking for an uncomplicated relationship..what is uncomplicated about trashing a marriage. This 35 year old.......lives in Olympia Washington and goes by the name Cherie. ANy other wife out there experienced this piece of trash....my heart goes out to you.
Thank you for your many comments. It has been very helpful and insightful reading as I don't currently know anyone having an affair with a married man.
My problem is a bit unique in that I am having an affair with a married man who is also my boss....who I have to see everyday. I know...what the hell was I thinking, right?? This has to have been the STUPIDEST thing I have ever done in my life. He told me he was leaving his wife. He said he was moving out over the Christmas break. Did that happen? HELL NO!! I did some research and I was reading that if during the course of an affair, if the married person doesn't leave their spouse within the first 12 weeks of beginning the affair, THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE. BTW, As of the end of January 2009, it will be 12 weeks. I'm not holding my breath people. I'm a realist. I'm already looking to get out.
Even if I ended this affair today, I can't avoid him as much as I try. There are weekly meetings, training sessions and conferences I have to attend with him. He's arranged things so that I spend as many of these stupid meetings and whatnot with him!! Can you believe it?? I swear to god when this began I didn't know he had three children. :o
My question is...how do I end this? Keep in mind I may have to continue to work with this man for the next year or so. I am almost afraid of the negative repercussions. Maybe I could just keep him on the back burner like how married men treat the mistresses. Why not? At least until my contract is up. For example, he always expects that I go out with him on Friday night. I could just be busy or disappear on those days. I could just blow him off. He can't do anything about it either!!! He's not allowed to call me because his wife checks his cell phone. So I would be in the clear!!! Still I would like to be "free" of the bullshit "relationship". Any ideas?
when I found out my husband was having an affair it nearly killed me. I have had my hand on the railway line ..... have looked up suicide websites I weigh six and a half stone and my kids told me 'mum, you have got to eat' left with three kids,one who is severey disabled,people like you make me sick . the only person you give a toss about is you, you,you . You will be judged and you will deserve everything you get.
Wow Michele, Your comments are a little harsh. You are avery angry person. Sounds like you may need some professional help. to suggest tht someone kill themselves is horrible! Does that make you any better than the people invovled in an affair? Probably not. Where were you during your husbands "crisis"? Why didn't he turn to you for support? Too busy? Didn't care enough? Other things going on. Look life is hard. Promises are made and most are broken. What many people tend to forget is that we are all human and we all make mistakes. Or I should say choices that others may not agree with. You need to find it in your self to make your own happiness. Don't depend on others to make it happen. I don't. When thing went wrong in my marriage I tried to fix it. It didn't work. So we split. No gruges on my part. He is human with faults. I wish things could have been different but they weren't. Michele you sound like you are full of hate. How do you think that makes your husband feel. Loved? Doubt it! He probably can't stand to be in the same room with you and all your anger. He probably wants to be with the woman who laughs with him and makes him laugh. He probably is still with her. But thats not his fault is it? Its not his choice is it? SHE made him do it! Wow I wish I had that much power to make another man do what I want him to do when he REALLY doesn't want to do it! Super powers! Get some help Michele sounds like you need it. Cause if you dont some one else will make your husband smile when you aren't!
For all the wives out there...you blame the men for seeking sex outside of the relationship, the question is why do they need to seek this? Because they are not getting enough at home, or doing what your husband wants. That is why we stray. Give it to us daily and we will not stray. The problem is you do NOT want to have sex with your hubby's that much and put us off. You tell us we are oversexed and to get on with it.....and then we do. We seek outside the home what we cannot get inside the home. My wife knew I was hurting and still did not give me the sex I required. She told me I worked too much (to support our family), that she needed more, etc. So did I, so I went outside the marriage and got what I wanted. It became a habit, that to be honest, I now enjoy. I am not happy with myself but then take responsibility for it. Just another side of the story...
Michele..
If you decide to stay with your husband (I am not suggesting that you do, once the trust is broken you really do not get it back) then I pray you find the strength to really forgive him. PLEASE do not pay any attention to Strawberry Girl, as she is the one who really needs help. I agree to one of the aforementioned blogs (not sure who said it) but she really thinks she is the poster girl for the other woman. She clearly gives advice for something she is not willing to do herself, and that is seek help!!
Mikey.. Be a man about yours. if your are not happy, MAN UP and leave that's all. Like I said I have no respect for cheaters, we all make choices, you choose to stay, for what.. I am sure your wife would be a better off without you. And besides I am sure you are no walk in the park either. MM, are so full of sh**. The wife is not doing this and the wife is nt doing that. Chances are if you are not happy, she is probably not happy either. And if she is not willingly giving you sex, then maybe she is also tired of your hundrum sexual activity. The difference between you and her is that she is not sneaking off behind your back (well then again how do you know this), if you are, maybe she has, is doing, or thought about doing it too. But I bet she is much classier than that and has not stoop to your level or Stawberry's girl level. History has shown that for the most part the spouse is the classier of either the other woman or man.
And also, please please practice safe sex. as I am sure you are not. Thank goodness your wife is not giving you sex because you are probably now a walking S.T.D.
Peace Out!!!
To Mikey and all of you unfaithful hubands
I just want to say thank you. I by chance stumbled on this site. Me and some of my friends live for men like yourself. We just sit back and wait for you MM to fuck up, and you guys never fail us.
Me and the rest of the maintenance crew always come to the wives rescue. Again my heartfelt thanks to you, Mickey and to the rest of the MM. God bless the OW.
I wish someone would start another site for MW wanting to even the score with their cheating husbnads. Wouldn't that be something.
I am having an affair with a married man. 3 years ago it all started. Every month it's a new excuse. kids have to finish school, kids are starting hockey camp, it's christmas....etc. I know i have to leave him. He keeps pulling me back, promises over promises. I want to leave him, just don't know how. We do really love each other and have strong feeling, but this has to come to an end. So lost
Strawberry Girl..man have you got issues. I actually am with my husband, as we have been for 30 years....believe we are both traumatised by this and both take responsibility..however this women persued him knowing he was married and took advantage of his crisis. SHE WANTED AN UNCOMPLICATED affair, she of course also saw the money and figured what the hell...I am angry you are right, because there are women out there willing to break up a home with no regard for the pain they cause. My husband is my friend, my confidant and struggles minute by minute with the guilt of what he has done. BTW we have an unbelievable sex life....but sometimes women can be evil with there way of lying to get what they want. She SMS'd him 50 x a day to tell him what an unbelievable man he was!!!!!!!tell me what person man or women is not going to fall into the trap of 'smooth talking during a midlife crisis"
Hi all, I am currently involved with a married man. I know that it is wrong but when I go involved with him I didnt know he was married and when I found out it was too late I had already fell in love with him. So many times I say to myself I am going to leave him along but my heart wont let me I really do love him. I only see him and I know I am not being fair to myself because there is something better for me. If some one has advice I would love to hear it.
To all of you OTHER WOMEN out there: Husbands love their wives. Don't believe what a married man tells you. My husband told me when the affair was exposed that he only wanted her for SEX, for the thrill, the chase, feeling young again. He is remorsful, sorry and repentant. He cries all the time over the extreme hurt he has caused me and the fact that he broke his wedding vows. The wife is usually very loving and attentive, even and especially with sex. I have been married for 31 years and my husband had an affair 4 months ago with a woman 18 years younger. We have always had a wonderful sex life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would EVER happen! I have always been willing to do anything and everything in bed. I have always made my husband a priority in our marriage. We have five children and 10 grandchildren. He is old enough to know better and so was the other woman. She knew about me, our children and grandchildren. She didn't care or think about the devistating pain this would cause EVERYONE and neither did my husband. He had no excuse. I am a good wife, a very good wife. Always waited on him and wanted to be a part of HIS life. Took interest in his interests, etc. You cannot say men have affairs because their wife is not giving him enough sex, etc. Most wives are good wives and they LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS. Most husbands truly LOVE THEIR WIVES. The other woman is just for fun and excitement but after a while that fades and then what? Any real relationship takes work and that includes the mundane everyday things, bills, children, doctor appointments, family crises, cars breaking down, daily living expenses, sick children, college tuition, etc., etc. An affair is just that, AN AFFAIR. It is a fantasy, NOT reality. It is an escape, NOT LOVE. It is about sex and something not real. REAL LOVE IS COMMITMENT. Married men are almost always COMMITTED to their WIVES, NOT the other woman!! She is just a side attraction! She always thinks the married man will leave his wife, NOT TRUE. Like I said, married men LOVE their wives. The other woman is ignorant to believe he loves her. All he wants is an ego booster and a little fun. Usually married men cheat looking for something they ALREADY HAVE in their wife. They almost ALWAYS realize this too late after the damage is done. Even if they leave their wife for the other woman they are almost ALWAYS sorry they did it and they miss their wife and children terribly. They realize the sin was not worth the pleasure.
I feel like I'm in the minority...my current boyfriend of four years and I got together after his marriage ended. His wife was a good person, they just had nothing in common, and they hadn't had sex for two years. I was mostly an emotional support in their last few turbulent months, but it worked out. I have no qualms about him cheating because we are honest with each other, and we are both happier than we have been in previous relationships. We are also both biseuxal, which is something that his ex couldn't deal with. Our sex life is the stuff of dreams, so no worries there.
Not all cheaters are serial, and sometimes it works--but I know we are the rare exception.
Well try this situation on for size: I am at work in a foreign country, meet a guy also working in the same country, we start dating, get together, fall in love, and 4 months later he "admits" he is married back home with 3 kids and wants me to become Wife No. 2 - yes he is a Muslim guy. I am not a Muslim gal. I was devestated when he told me he was already married, had fallen in love with him, and just couldn't find the strength to tell him to Eff Off. As much my brain wanted to, my heart couldn't. So 18 months later, we are both still working in the same country, we effectively live together here, but I go home on leave to my country, and he goes home on leave to his wife and kids. He says he is going to discuss me becoming Wife No. 2 with Wife No. 1 at the end of this year, but I am starting to realise that this relationship has a Use By date on it as just can't see myself living in a Muslim country for a start, and secondly spending half of the rest of my life alone - the deal would be he would get to spend 50% of his time with her, and 50% wtih me. After reading all these earlier posts the thought has become stronger in my mind that he would more than likely cheat on me once I married him. I don't need to ask for advice as I already know what to do - get the hell outta the situation - but it is just so hard when you are 100% emotionally invested with this person.................
Wow, this post has really become an interesting read. Since I'm here, I'll share my story and undoubtedly get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. And quite honestly, I wouldn't respect anyone here if you didn't.
I'm 23 years old and currently involved with a 36 year old married man. He's with his second wife, of whom he's been married to for 6 years, with 5 children (his 2 oldest are from his first marriage, the 3 younger ones are from his current wife). I'm work with a temp program that hires full-time students and I met him at work. We met this past June on my first day of work and became instant friends. His office was across the hall from mine so we talked several times a day, often times with me spending more time in his office than mine and vice versa. I knew he was married from the very beginning, he never took his wedding ring off and always talked so lovingly about his family at home (not to mention all the adorable photos he has up in his office). We had that instant rapport from the get-go, like we had known each other for years. He was the most active listener I had ever met and being around each other felt so easy and natural. An affair with this man never crossed my mind. I've never been involved with an available man until this point and I honestly just didn't think about it. We would flirt, but I always considered it innocent and harmless because I flirt with everyone. It just comes naturally to me and I don't mean anything by it. I just assumed he was the same way and he still is. He told me a story once about how a woman he used to work with wanted to have an affair with him. He said that she would send him emails with naked photos attached and that he never opened them and forwarded them directly to his wife. He even told me once over IM (we IM'd all the time at work) that I had said something that had made him feel uncomfortable and that we should change the subject before it became "inappropriate". In the following months, we flirted with that "inappropriate" line quite a bit. In retrospect, I guess we were both looking to see how far we could push that line. Then one day, he asked me why we flirted with each other so much. I knew he was bringing it up for a reason, so I asked him the same thing. He said something along the lines of "it's safe and it feels good". I didn't really understand the "safe" part until a bit later. Over the next few weeks, our conversations definitely got a bit more suggestive and when he jokingly said something about wanting to kiss me, I called his bluff. He told me to meet him downstairs in a secluded room that was password locked and I did. Boy was I wrong in thinking he was just joking around. He kissed me that day and for the rest of the week we met in that room. I went on vacation the following week and thought long and hard about what I was doing. When I returned, I had decided that I didn't want to continue on that road with this man. However, after coming back and seeing him again, all of that went out the window. I was transfered to a different building and seeing him was both easier and harder. Easier in the fact that I could take my lunches to see him without people in the office putting two and two together, since no one in my new office knew him. Harder because I knew I wasn't going to be able to see him all the time like I had been. After the first time that we had sex, I had a long talk with him. I'd never done anything like this before and I wanted to know what exactly he wanted from me and what role I was to play. I asked him about his life at home and why he was wanting to have this affair with me. He told me that he loved his wife and had no intention of leaving her. He said that I appreciated him for... well, him. When you get married and have children, you become a husband and dad. I saw him for P. Not P the husband or P the daddy, but just... P. I told him that as soon as I felt myself falling for him, I wasn't going to see him anymore. Thus, me agreeing to this arrangement. He was, after all, my best friend at the time. Fast forward 3 months later to the present day. I am still very much involved with this man and have no intention of leaving him anytime soon. But in order to explain why, I must first tell you a little bit about myself. I have a great job, a very lovingly family (still living at home with my parents) and I'm a full-time college student. I have wonderful friends that support me and I should feel extremely loved. After all, I don't have any reason not to! However, I feel very alone. I've never been in a serious relationship and I always have a problem with sleeping with men way too soon. It's not that I go out looking for those type of situations, I just fall into them because of how emotionally unhealthy I am right now. I will be the first to tell you that I suffer from very low self-esteem. Why else would I continue to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with myself? Yes, with myself! The only reason men do the things they do, is because we let them. And boy do I let them. Although I don't agree that all of the names used to describe the "other women" out there apply to me, I do agree whole-heartedly that the problem all of us have stems from low self-esteem. We are lonely, lost, confused, hurt, sad women who fall for the first guy who shows us the slightest bit of attention... available or otherwise. Why? Because it feels good! Now I can't speak for the ladies out there who unintentionally find themselves involved with married men because they didn't "know" (even though the signs are there and they choose to ignore them anyway), just for me and probably everyone else out there who knew what they were signing up for. We allow them to get away with it because negative attention is better than no attention. I would rather feel special and cared about (however unreal it logically is), then be by myself. And yes, this is a character flaw within myself. But at least I'm willing to admit it.
Now, I know this isn't going to go over too well but I wanted to be honest and here's the kicker: although I have a guilt complex over what I'm taking away from his family by being involved with him, it's not my first priority. Humans are naturally selfish creatures and I'm more concerned about getting my needs met, than how much I'm hurting his family. And obviously he feels the same way. The real kicker? In reality, only HE is getting his needs met. Not me, not even close. Why? Because I'm not a bad person, I just make bad decisions. I want what everyone else wants... a husband and a family of my own. Do you think I want her sloppy seconds? Hell no. It breaks my heart everyday to know that I allow myself to settle for it anyways. Because deep down, I dislike myself. I don't think that I can get any better. Trust me, any negative thoughts you have about me at this point, I've already had them about myself. I'm not proud of this by any means. And maybe you think you pity me more than anything else, but hey.. guess what? Join the club because I pity me more! But I won't leave him until he walks away first. Wives, here is your first honest insight into the mind of the "other woman". It's just most of us won't admit to it. I truly am sorry for all of the hurt and anguish other women have caused you. Really, I am. And if I ever grow up and learn how to have a healthy relationship, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he ends up cheating on me. What goes around, comes around right? And I really don't mean to come off as crude and tacky, I just don't see any sense in sugar-coating my actions. "I didn't know he was married! He told me he was leaving his wife!" None of that applies to me. I enable his cheating behavior because it makes me feel good and that's all I care about at the moment. That instant gratification, that temporary high... however short-lived. Oh, but don't worry. I'm not as smug about this as I sound. It makes me cry to think that I can't do simple things with this man that I care so much about.
Michelle,
I tend to agree with you in most cases. BUT, think about it this way. Why, if the man was happy would he cheat? Why would he need the thrill and excitement? I honestly think this is a sad excuse for men who dont want to hurt their wives by telling them the real reason. If you were "truly" happy, would you cheat? You didnt cheat bc you are truly happy and committed. Having an affair isnt committment to his wife!! AND yes the other woman in the affair usually doesnt work out and I have seen this just as much as you have. I unfortunately got with my MM when he was seperated from his wife. Then I ended things for myself bc he couldnt make up his damn mind. He doesnt have children, but does care for his wife very much and doesnt want to leave her. That is totally fine by me as long as he is happy. BUT, he isnt! AND he will probably be for the rest of his life, but that isnt my problem any more. So, again we come to the question of why they cheat. Having a one night stand is different than an affair. In an affair, it is more than sex bc you are treating them like your wife in most cases. Men arent horney dogs that cant go one day with out sex, so any guy that uses that excuse is lying to you. They cheat bc they arent fufilled in many ways and are unhappy, but i am a firm believer of doing whatever it takes in a marriage to make it work....therapy, taking a break, livening sex life, whatever. If the next step is an affair then the marriage is doomed from there bc that reminder will always be there. So, again I will go with....men and women cheat bc they are unhappy with their current situation, but this doesnt mean that they always will be. Like you said michelle, they could realize that the issue is with themselves and not with their spouses and realize in the end that they love their spouses not themselves and that is the real issue.
Amy
Thank you Amy34. You may not agree with my situation, but at least your making a valid point. Michelle was a little harsh in telling the other women that they should just kill themselves. What about her husband? Should he do the same? Oh no I forgot it wast the other women who mad him have the affair because his marriage was perfect before she came along. People have affairs whe nthey are missing something in their marriage. I dont mean the people who have multiple affairs. I mean the people who have an affair that lasts years and people who fall in love. Such as me. Michell, your husband will never tell you the whole truth about his affair. He wont tell you how many times they made love, how many times he told her he loved her. He wont tell you that they told each other their lives dreams, or stories he hasn't even told you. Its not always about sex. Its about connecting with a person in your life. Connecting with some one you now that you where suppose to meet. Some one you care about truly and love completely. Right or wrong in other people eyes. Its love. Truly look at your marriage. Really look. Some thing is lacking. Missing. Its not always the wifes fault either, that is not what I am saying. Its two people who may have taken each other for granted over the course of 20 - 30 years. Being bored. Same thing everyday. I know marriage isn't easy and its not perfect. But we need to take responsibility for it and face it when its not working and try to fix it. Because the wife or the husband will go else where. It may happen when you dont even expect it to. You may not even be thinking about it. But you meet some one some day and you say Wow. I need to now that person more. And then it begins....
I have been reading the comments and it is like reading my life, I am having an affair with a married man. When this affair started we were both married and my marriage was not good, my husband was a alcoholic and abusive, but I always stay loyal to my husband of 29 years. I think of how this mess all started and I was a very easy target, I work with this man I am having an affair with and that makes things very hard for me to break it off. When we first started my intentions were not to get divorced and I have never expected him to divorce and I really didn't love this man at first, I am not sure that I do really love him, but I know he is in my heart now and that is what hurts the most. About 2 months into the affair he started to pressure me to get divorced and I put it off and then my husband lost his job and I felt that I could not just kick him out so I told the man I would wait until my husband got a job so he could support him self. Well that did't go over very well he was mad that I was supporting my husband and gave me a hard time about that and then 1 year later my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I tried to break it off with the married man, I tried very hard but I couldn't and I was living a big lie. I tried to get back together with my husband and I took care of him until the end and I miss him so much and he knows that I did really love him and now I am single. It has been 6 months and I still see the other man but now that I am single I need to move on with my life and start my new life and reading the comments have really opened my eyes to see how wrong I am to think that this man would leave his wife and family for me and I think all I want is to have what he has in his life. I am tring really hard to break off this relationship with him and the hardest is that I will have to see him at work, but I need to be strong.
Strawberry Girl,,have you got life by the balls. Good Luck at family events such as christmas, thanksgiving, and all those other days when families enjoy each other..while you sit around on the computer trying to warrant being a whore.
Starwberry Girl
"Just when I thought I was out you pull me back in" Did you ride the short bus to school, or are you just in "la-la" land. Instead of giving the wives advice, why don't you just tell your married man to man up and leave his wife and make an honest woman of you, since, clearly, you make him so happy. Baby girl, it's about choices, and you have clearly made yours. You are your MM's doormat, no more, no less.
Why haven't he left his wife......... You obviously left your husband. He has not left his wife, because he loves her, you are and will always be his distraction, the other one, not the main one. If his wife ever leaves him, and I no doubt she will, because he is still carrying on with you (do you really think she knows about you, MM is doing evrything within his power to conceal that information). Do you think you would be the type of woman that he will bring home to meet his mother, someone that will be his soulmate to death do you part.... I still have that bridge to sell if you ae interested.
When that happens please post it here...however I doubt that it will.
Michelle- keep your head up...Starwberry Girl couldn't buy a clue with Oprah's money...
Stawberry girl,
I just have one word of advice for you bc I have been there although my MM was seperated throughout most of the time. Please do it for yourself and end things!!! He cheats bc he is unhappy....yes, but this isnt fair to you nor to his wife no matter what the facts of the marriage are. It is so hard and painful afterwards, but darling you will meet someone who "wants" you not "needs" you. Hey, I bet he tells you he "needs" you...right? What he needs is to get control of his life and himself and do the right thing no matter what that is. Dont let him get more yrs of your life. AND for the record I dont think you are a whore at all...I think you are in love with someone who is taking advantage of that bc he can, not bc he doesnt feel the same way about you, but bc he wants to love 2 ppl in different ways. HE SHOULD NOT B ABLE TO DO THAT!!!! Its not fair to you...at all girl. Please do the right thing!! Not for all the ppl that call you names and judge you, but do it for you!!
Amy
Wow Michele, Still angry? I guess I would be also if my husband was crying on my shoulder each day about how that bad woman, the whore corrupted him and MADE hime cheat on you! Enough of the name calling, its really not necessary. I dont expect you to understand. Its way over your head. Thats mostly because you seem to be a very small person. As for the holidays, I have plenty of friends and family that I am very close to to spend the holidays with. People who love me and care about me. Why do you think that a woman must be with a man on the holidays to be Happy? People who love you and care about make us happy. Its about all relationships, not just a man for a woman and vice versa.
To Dont be #2 - Yes I left my husband. And it had nothing to do with the affair. The reasons are personal and not your business, but he never asked me to leave my husband and as I said it wasn't for him it was for me. I dont sit at home waiting for him to come to me. I am not waiting for him to leave his wife. I have not asked him to leave his wife. And also she does know about us. Its a fact. My husband told her all about it. she knows. I also know that he does love her, differently from the way he loves me. And no its not about sex either. If I told you how many times we have had sex in the last 2 years you would be shocked. Although you would probably call me a liar. Its not about lust and sex. Its about a connection that two people have on all different levels. We talk about everything from politics to religion. We have the same interests and the same sense of humor. He has been there for me through so much. More than anyone ever has in my life. And I think that I have also been there for him. He tells me the truth. Things that I may not want to hear, but the truth. He is sweet and kind and considerate. Not just to me but to everyone in his life. And I know that you are going to come back with "except his wife", but hey its the truth. I dont need or want anyones approval on this whole thing. I'm in it and I make no excuse. Right or wrong it is what it is. My self confidence is not shot to hell. I have a life. I laugh and cry just like you. It doesn't consume my life. I dont go crazy over it. We take it day by day. Thats all we can do right now. And no matter what happens with us - we both now that we have found a friend for life.
To amy 34 - thank you for being kind. I get what you mean. I dont want to leave an neither does he. We have given each other the opportunity and we can't do it. If you new the whole story you would be shocked. We have been through so much together and we haven't left yet. And beleive me there were times when anyone would have left if it wasn't real love. You dont stick around for just a good lay if you have gone through what we have, He doesn't need me. Its a want. A want to share our lives in any way that we can. I cant say that I am sorry for something that I feel so strongly about. I feel bad for his wife to be in this situation. But I cant say sorry for loving him.
Michelle
Yes a whore is a bit harsh, she is more like an "on call girl", when her MM come a callin she goes a runnin.
Strawberry Girl
I am in the medical profession and get vey sick and tired, time and time again, of having to inform some MW that she has contracted some STD, by the very man that sleep in her bed at night, because he no doubt is to selfish to protect her from poor judgement. At the very top of this blog, it ask a question "Mistake or Character Flaw". In your case I would say it is the latter.
To all of the OW who have posted on this blog, seeking advice
Get out as fast as you can. No one should have that type of hold on an individual, stop being his "on call girl". Once you get over the hurt (and to be honest is this the frst time you have ever been hurt by a man) you will see that you are a better person for it. If not I guess I will see you in my office giving you the same diagnosis as his wife!!!
Michelle;
I to am a hurt spouse. Read my posts above. Your anger is completely miss directed.
As you, I to fell for the same thing. I am sure that your husband had you believeing he was a man of Integrity, self respect and oh such a decent guy at one time. What he had you beleiveing, he had or has his mistress beleiveing.
I remember on one of my husbands affair his mistress's wrote him a letter telling him that "she couldn't believe there was such wonderful, caring, understanding guys out there." Was he really? What does this tell you what place in her life she was in? You are probably asking yourself how could she fall for such crap, especially if she knew her lover was married? Well doesn't that tell you truly how lonely she was? That she had very low self esteem issues. YES.
Being angry at her will do you know good, it will do your marriage no good but most especially it won't do you any good. Don't you want better for yourself?
There are all kinds of people in this world, and not everyone feels like you do. Not everyone has your value, self esteem, self worth, self integrity. Stop giving them something they don't have.
These women who will have affairs with married men have to tell themselves that the wife is a bad person, has issues, blah blah blah, because that is the only way they can remain in such a used position. They make their own choices and they make their own outcome. Which is all 99% always extreme painful.
Let it go with the other woman and focus on you, your marriage or divorce, your children, whatever. Do not focus on the other woman, her's is coming. Like I said go back and read my old posts, especially the one where my own brother had his affair and married his affair partner. Yesterday she was here again in tears, now its her turn. Its so sad.
You can not change someone who has no Morals or self value, but you can change you. Its a journey SO worth taking. Love yourself and lose the anger. Anger only hurts you and NO ONE else. Your SO MUCH better than that. SO MUCH, trust me.
If you would like to email me, please go to my blog and email me from there. You don't have to blog, just email or blog me for me email and I will give it to you.
The mistress, isn't worth your time, energy or anger. You ARE, your marriage IS and so is your FAMILY.
I know your pain
KATE
Michelle,
Listen to Kate she knows and can help you. I'm the hurtful spouce who husband is living with his affiar partner, and she has helped me allot.
Good Luck to you!
P.S And I;m a great wife and a great person. He is the one with issues! and now his affair partner can deal with it!
Hey all,
I have been away from this hub for a while but it is nice to know things really haven't changed all that much. Despite it all I do hope it finds all on this hub doing well. It took me a while to read through all the posts that I have missed since I have been gone. I would also like to take this time to say I kept my word "Karen" and have not spoken to my "MM" since a few weeks after my last post.
Although at the time of my last post we would speak briefly if at all. I am pleased to say that we never had sex and even after it ended I chose not to keep in contact with him. I avoided his calls and deleted all emails and then I blocked him from contacting me all together. I for the most part at this point in my life can honestly say, I have never been happier.
Me and my husband have worked through our fair share of mistakes and I am proud to say our marriage is as solid as it was on the day I said I do. My husband has forgiven me and I in turn have learned to forgive myself. I now found what I was looking for all along, "my husband". I am thankful to be as blessed as I am, and I am grateful to have the love around me that I do, that in itself was something I had lost sight of and right wrong or otherwise, this hub really did help.
I didn't pay all that much attention to the name calling nor would I have paid any attention to any threats that would have been made. I am however human and I made a mistake and it was that mistake that could have cost me what mattered most in my life "My family". I read all the latest posts and wow there have been some harsh words used, from someone trying to justify why she is having an affair, to him saying an affair is ok because his wife has agreed to it just as long as she don't see it, hear about it or catch an STD, that sounds logical, not! Then we move on to a woman who thinks women who are having affairs with married men should shoot themselves, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that those postings were clearly not thought out before they were written, and if they were I would seriously 'question' there thought process as it was being written.
The fact is and I have said this before, no matter what there will always be infidelity, some like it while others don't. I however will not or ever cast judgement or doubt on others who choose to have an affair compared to those who wont. Like I said ultimately we will all be judged by someone higher than those who are posting on this hub. All the name calling and all the threatening going back and forth is bullshit. Now understandably everyone has a right to there opinion just as those have a right to live there life anyway they see fit, whether it was having an affair with your spouse or not.
Someone asked me once when I made that very same comment, "How would you feel if that were your husband"? My reply, well of course it would hurt me and yes it would effect all those around me including my children, but if that is what my husband chose to do then who am I to tell him no. I am his wife of 15 years, I am not his mother. More so he is in his forties and me yelling oh no your not will be effective how? It wont be because if someone has there heart set on something, no amount of words, crying, shouting or threatening is going to change there mind. Sadly I think most people forget that.
Some people take there vows seriously while others don't. I had forgotten how funny and smart my husband was, I stopped laughing at the big things and began getting irritated over the small things, for me living that way was unbearable. Then one day while we were out to dinner my husband took my hand and told me how beautiful I was and that he loved me and as a tear fell down his cheek I knew right then just how much I had hurt him. I will never forget that night. It has been a long journey but I think "we" will be ok now. No amount of apologies will ever be acceptable, I accepted blame and in turn became a better wife for it... Until my next post, take care.
Sincerely, Mystic Rain
When I was 17 I had a relationship with a married man for a year, then I forced myself to stop seeing him (HARD is an understatement) and I haven't for 2 years.
However, we've stayed in contact and he's not given up yet. I've thought I was "over him" on SEVERAL occasions, but the truth is I'm not and I'm getting really sick of wanting him every day but having to resist.
Can someone please yell abuse at me to make me see what an idiot I am?
Good luck to you all, there's some comfort in that we're not alone X
just tell thw wife
Damn straight...lol. go ahead and tell his wife. He will most difenitly leave you alone.
I have now been involve with a marrid man fot a month. I came out of a four year relationship that took me though so much. Last month this married man and I came across each other and it just stated as friends. Don't get me wrong we have never slept together... yet! But her makes me feel go, we can talk about everything, I have not kiss anyone in six years and yesterday was the first time I kissed him O my It felt so good. At the time I did not even think for a second he s married. One good thing is he lives in North Carolina and I am in South Carolina that makes it so easy. No, I am not in love with him and he is not with me but I know this is so wrong but it feels so right. I want to back away but in heart I really don't want to. We can see each other alot because he travel alot and his wife too. I don't want to hurt her but I feel if after one year and half married and she is not taking care of him like a special person should be he is going to be with me or someone else. Most woman say, she is a home recker but if you look at it if she was doing everything in the marriage he won't go out on her. In this case she travels all the time and him too. Most of the time they don't ee each other for two weeks or better. Well, I feel she need to be more with him they have no children. I don't know I guess that is the reason I will never get marriage. I know this is hard for him. I don't want to break up anything I just want to have my cake and ice cream too. I have a 5 year old by a married man and I ask him not toleave his wife. In this case no we don't have kids but in so many ways, yes, I want him. What should I do?
stay away
Cillaa
It amazes me still, how so many women fall for the okie doke. You say you have a five year old son by a MM man. Did he leave his wife? she may have left him but I seriously doubt that he left her and if he did, not for you. AND yet, you are about to start something else with another MM. Please explain to me the hype, cause I have yet to find anything appealing about a MM, one who no doubt have MAJOR character flaws, no integrity or morals. So what is the attraction. A smoothe talker, the excitement... PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT.
Is there really a shortage of available men out there, do you ladies sleep well at night, I can care less about the MM, I am talking to my sister, mother, daughter, aunt and friend. Have we so liitle value, so little self worth as women, that we do not mind being some man's other, some woman's sloppy seconds. OW please please explain to me why you value your self so little. MM cheat because there are so many OW out there that have no self worth, and the sad thing that I am reading from these blogs, so many of you have children. If you do not break the cycle, your children are doomed to repeat your behavior. It is so very sad. You want my advice, leave the MM alone, concentrate on you, your self worth and sooner or later some wonderful single man will notice you. If not you will always be that OW, longing for him to leave his wife and he won't. If the wife leaves him, guess what chances are he would probably not want a long lasting relationship with someone with so little self worth......
Dr. Love here women you are the mother of our children! You are special you are priceless! Stop letting men treat you like anything less! Stop treating yourselfs like anything less most of ALL! RULE: Lust and Love are different! Remember lust is sin and commiting sins, and beening with someone knowing they are beening decietful. Love is honesty and not deceit in any way!
Don't let men trick you ladys!
Wonderful Hub ! Home breaker is something I would never be and want my friends to be.
Here is a new twist on things Now I have to blow off an old friend of 30 years. Just a friend, That is in love with a Married Man I have seen it almost kill her. I will make it short. Met him... They cheated together, Then she got divorced after 15+ years with two young kids that were so innocent. Then they ended up shacking up and cheating on each other then she went out with another guy shacked up with him and cheated with the guy she left her marriage for. (its like the shell game) Then he cheated on her with the woman he courted lived with and married all the while seeing her the whole way through. She was so devastated she slept on anti deps for like a year!!! Then she was suicidal again psych ward the whole nine. BUT HE saved her life and just showed up to drive her to the hospital (then she admitted that she could have called him in a blackout or sumthin) Get This?? she doesnt want to be with him "Just be on the side" Otherwise he will cheat on her if she was the main course. And somewhere in there she did his long lost brother when they were together, (revenge) Guess what? After a while.. at the Jerry Springer olympic marathon tryouts. She is not even interested in sex unless it is forbidden or to get him jealous. I am a friend and I have to take out the garbage when i depart so he doesnt know I was there. When I aked who gives a damn 'He fucking lives and sleeps and is married to someone. The two cans of Coca Cola that I drink at your house are gonna get YOU in trouble with HIM??? Then she forgot whhat I just said and told me why she loved him and how good he was for her. Spraying her pillow with a cologne that he wears that she bought just for that very reason.... She will never recover from this dysfunctional promiscuity. She doesnt get aroused unless its forbidden.... YOU (adulterer mistresses) AND HER DESERVE BETTER??? Maybe not... Its called CODEPENDANCY you cant live without them... Single never felt better. LOL The sadest part This was an EXCELLENT person while she was married I knew her and her ex from childhood. I used to call her to ask for advice She was a consumate proffessional and had a wonderfull career. Now on disability for deppression sleeping and crying until he wakes her up to do the deed. But He Says He Loves Her and thats all it takes her to be delusional.... So after 30 years I cant listen to it or be heard anymore. Waste of time . I Am Dumbfounded
Dont walk away from cheaters RUN!!! It takes a special blend of malcontent mixed with a lot of sociopathic mental illness to make a one night stand last. The fact that cheaters Dont know what love really is.... remains EVIDENT They cant feel other peoples pain that they cause or fathom putting them selves in someone elses shoes. Proof... Did you ever even think to tell us how jealous and paranoid they can be with a huge double standard...
You may say "Thats the love of my life.. My soulmate! I am sorry to tell you this but your soulmate may be "going at it" right now , with His Devoted Wife saying the same things to her as he does for you (so he doesnt mis speak in the moment) If you cant picture all of this as reality. I can help you with this part,,, What did you think he was going to tell you??? My wife is great but I am so insecure that I will NEVER be happy with only one woman.. No he will say what you want to hear to justify your delusion. "She is terrible and I love you and my wife dont have sex ever and its so aweful that she somehow still just stays with him because SHE is insecure. (That would be ironic cuz the people that cheat need more temporary self esteem) You have to ask yourself "Why dont YOU think you deserve better?" and stop looking for happiness through others. Do just one thing you can be proud of and tell people about with pride and your self esteem you forgot about.. It may be hard at first (i have done it twice) But once you can see the picture from a distance you will see how ugly it was. (they all come back, You just dont want them to)
affairs are tricky, lose your appetiite, am i doing the right thing, time and energy consuming, whose feelings do i hurt-not hurt, when is the next time do i see him/her again, and just plain not worth it. now love, that is something the before mentioned is worth fighting for. in order for it to be love, both parties in the affair, have to truly love each other. i was involved with a man that was married and had a young boy. i was single and had a son of my own. our relationship was slow going. but soon progressed to intimacy. he told me first that he loved me. i questioned at first because, well because, if you love some one you don't call and tell them, 'hey at this time, this place'. but i looked forward to those calls. it started to be too much for the both of us.
it came out about the affair. i got slammed. phone call after phone call from friends of hers and her. but through that all the only thing that i wanted was for him to call me. and he would. we still met. we still went out to eat. we still went out to movies. she would call and he would tell her something else. two years. two years this went on.
i loved this man. deeply. so i said to him, 'this is it, no more'. 'i will always love you, but you are married. you need to work that out and see if that is what you truly want.' sadness, tears, a lot of alcoholic beverages, a 4 hour move away, and then daylight. i started to see other men, not married of course, being a lot more involved with my son, going back to school. getting on with my life.
my move, not only, took me away from him but my own family as well. i did not see or hear from him. which, at first, was heart wrenching. i resisted the urge to call him. i fell in love with another man, he was warm, funny, very tall and excellent in bed. but i never got to deep. i didn't even tell him i was in love with him. the back of my mind and my heart told me where they belonged.
four years after i moved away from the married man and had absolutely no contact with, he calls. my heart stopped. he is recently divorced and what am i doing? within on day is at my doorstep and i am in his arms again. i never felt guilty, will never feel guilty for following my heart. within three weeks i moved in with him. i loved him then, i loved him when i moved away, and i will always love now. he tells me every morning noon and night that he loves me. after three years together, married for one, i believe him. please do not get me wrong we have our knock out drag outs, but we lay our heads down on the same pillow every night.
To the other woman now wife:
Well good luck to you, as you will need it, when karma comes back and bite you in your hind-parts. Hopefully it will come back to you and you present husband much worst then you guys dished out. Maybe job lay-off, home foreclosure, sickness or disease...
My early condolence.
I have being reading all the comments and I can relate to everything that is being said. I am married now but dated a married man when I was single. It was horrible. Why do I say that? Yes you have a nice guy giving you all the attention you need when he has the time, the forbidden fruit they say is the sweetest.
You think you are doin him a favour by making him happy cos he says "oh my wife is a bitch. She gives me hell blah blah blah". But hey you cant be seen around with him, you cant take him to your parents cos you know it's doomed from day one.Your relationship is always under cover.
I became sobber, repentant and realized what I was doing to another woman's life. I realized how this would ruin my life so i moved, met a new guy and got married.
Now you know the flip side of the story. Because I know the MO of men who cheat, I realize my husband is cheating on me. Karma, karma. Even the bible says what you sow you reap. Now I fight with my spouse about his straying ways but I cant help but think it's payback time for me.
So if anyone is out there cheating ,remember what gos around comes around. Now I take solace in praying that God will forgive me and make my marriage right.
MY SOB STORY,,
Everything was OK, I was working 8 am till 4 pm, he was working 330 pm till 1130- pm. We did this to help save money on child care. We had our weekends together and the Sunday mornings were fantastic, our time if you know what I mean.
He hires a friend of his from the past, then he hires his friends wife. And in less then 6 months, he was unhappy, I was to blame, but yet nothing had changed. Now mind you I did seen the signs, she left her "calling cards" in my house, cell phone #, a sweater, etc etc..but I ignored the signs...because I trusted him and she was married to a friend of his... They went out to lunch together, she bought him gifts and he bought her gifts..sh*t was getting real so I confronted her and she told me " he's allowed to have friends"..then I confronted him and guess what he said..that's right.."hes allowed to have friends"..wonder if he got coached on that one!! When I stopped by the shop, she would run in the back..never give me direct eye contact..weird huh..she was planning. Oh yes and she have a fellow accomplice , She had her husband (yeah he was in on it too strange huh!!?? not really, she was having a affair with another married man whose wife refused to divorce him, her husband knew it and wanted out...she said she wanted mine and..well, the rest is history) he used to call on our Sunday mornings saying he was having car trouble, any kind of trouble....so our special times were always interrupted. (oh she had lots of ways to draw him to her and she should, ours was the 3rd relationship she ruined, she ruined her husbands and his first wife's relationship,) they invited him to dinner, but not me, I smoked..she invited our kids over to hang out with her kids..trying to get her hooks into my kids now that's cheap and she did. My kids thought she was absolutely wonderful, all of her conniving and interfering worked, eventually she got her hooks in him. I left which is probably what she wanted anyway. I had to, I was brink of having nervous break down. I moved in with my parents, he kept the boys and she acted like she loved them until they were married 6 months later..(yeah like that fast!!) then she changed..she got what she wanted.The boys one by one moved back with me..they couldn't stand living there,,her kids could do no wrong and they could do no right..she called them lairs and theives..
Anyway..those two cheating bozos caused a lot of hurt feelings, especially in our kids. my youngest seven at the time had a nervous break down..he still to this day (he's 17) hates her even though she is his step mother. My third son failed school and had to be held back...we had a awful christmas..sitting around the Christmas tree crying..all of us knowing he was with his new family..and just a year before he was with us..but I learned to be strong..and so did our kids. We learned to adapt and forgive, well, i did anyway..my boys still have some growing to do.
Now the funny thing was after the novelty wore off, ex-hubby tried came back to me after all most year of blissful marriage..and I told him "no...I cant trust you, you and her hurt a lot of people, especially her kids and our kids, you broke up 2 families so you could be together, now your together,,so you better stay together, its not fair to the kids..any of them, they didn't ask for this...) So he stuck it out...as did she...and their still together. which is good. Because they deserve each other....ha-ha!
Well said.Terrific.Wow this must be a very popular topic it took me 10min to find the empty comment box lol
Dear Fatactress,
That is a great story. I will pray that you and your boys hang in there. Wish you all the luck.
A wife going through it too with a child!
Dear wife
What pulled me through was prayer, I honestly thought I was losing my mind, being gullible never beleived it could happen to me..its been 10 years..and though I have forgiven him the hurt is still there. I am over him, but I am not over the deception. My prayers are with you...focus on your childern they will save your sanity!!
fatactress
I know where he wants to be. I know who he loves. Its me. I know it. Does she? I dont think so. I dont cry, she does. He loves me and she knows it. I'm sorry. But its the truth. He loves me, he wants me and he WILL be with me. I have patience, I will wait. All is good.
I did think about about it all and read the commets everyone put on. I am happy to say I am no longer involve with the married man. I am not dating a man that is single and I am happy. I had to really think about it, when he leaves me he is going home to his wife, won't take phone call or anything. I am happy also because I have never slept with him at all. As far as we went was a kiss, that was wrong but at less I did not take it to the bedroom. He is still trying to see me, texting me, calling me, and yahoo IM me but I will not talk back to him. I guess over time he will find out I did think it wasn't right.
Also, to the person that spoke about my child that is from a married man. No, he left her they are no longer together and yes he ask me to marry him but that was out of the question for me. If he did it to her he would have done it to me. Not in this life time, lol. Thanks everyone so much and I will let everyone know how things are going with my SINGLE man, lol.
Luv ya!!
Cilla
Thank You Fatactress
Prayer is the only answer in a mess called infidelity.
Cilla
Pleeaase!!! your MM asked you to marry him. I bet!!! You break up this MM marriage have a bastard child by him, but when he asked you to marry him, you say no. And all of the readers are suppose to believe that. He is good enough to be your baby daddy (you guys are now tied together for life - poor kid) but let me say it so you can understand, "but he no good to be your husband"..
BITCH PLEASE!!!
Strawberry Girl
You never fail me!! Back on this site again, pleading your case:
"I know where he wants to be. I know who he loves. Its me. I know it. Does she? I dont think so. I dont cry, she does. He loves me and she knows it. I'm sorry. But its the truth. He loves me, he wants me and he WILL be with me. I have patience, I will wait. All is good."
This is like a soap opera for me when I am on call. I think I am addicted to this web-site, because I cannot believe we have so many simple minded women out there. I was trying to give you guys the benefit of the doubt, but this is just so unbelievable, no I have my colleagues checking in for the laugh. Please get some help as you need it.
I think having an affair with a married man is useless 95 percent of the time unless all you want is sex. I believe that men like to be secure and comforatable. While a lot of men will have an affair, most of them will not end up leaving thier wife and family for another woman.
I am a married man who had an affair and I am so sorry, but worst of all I am embarassed at what I put my wife and my family through. In checking my wife's laptop I stumbled over this site, so it's been nearly a year and I can see that she is not thoroughly over it. The ironic thing is that I am the one who had the affair but yet and still I do not trust her. I am now suspicious of everthing she does, so afraid that she will do the same thing to me that I did to her (isn't that something). I too, like most married men that have affairs tried to blame my shortcomings on my wife, my excuse was that she did not love me the same anymore, and if she didn't then I would find me someone that would. In hindsight I realized that I was the one with the shortcomings. Financially and emotionally I was not meeting her needs and I can now see why emotionally she disconnected from me, as a man I was not loving her the way she needed to be as a wife.
She says that she still loves me, however that "walk thru fire" feeling that she had for me is no longer there. She told me that I was no longer special to her and I became ordinary and I no longer see that spark in her eyes that I once saw when she looks at me, and I have no one to blame but myself. I am trying hard every day to prove to her that I am still the man she fell in love with (she tells me with a straight face that I could never be that man to her again). If I could turn back the hand of time I would do things so differently. I would have run away from that other woman and not look back. This was the only affair I had in over 15 years of marriage, but she said to me the other day, "If our son was caught cheating on one part of an exam and his buddy was caught cheating on the entire exam, which one would be the cheater and which one should fail the exam." I got it and it when I heard that it broke my heart and I can only imagine what her days must be like. I love her with all my heart but sometimes I think this is a hurt she cannot live and she will eventually say the heartache is not worth it, I know I do not deserver her. I hope and pray she can truly get over this but since she is on this site a year later, I truly think she will not. I did not see a whole lot of married men on this site, but if you are out there and you are contemplating an affair, please take heed, it is not worth losing the woman that you love respect, it is not worth putting friends and family through the heartache. Do not walk away from the affair RUN.
Dear MM who had an affair,
My husband is still having an affair ( 9 months now) on me after 20 yrs of marriage, and the pain will never go away no matter what. You thought only of yourself in the moment, and your selfish act has a price to pay for that. The sad thing is, so does your Family, and they do not deserve that. There will be no easy answer for you other then treat her today, like you will lose her tomrorow, and anyone else involded. I wish your Family Happiness and Love.
To The Wife,
That is solid advice and I will take heed, also I pray you find happiness as well.
Thanks
:)
I WAS HAVING AFFAIR WITH A WIDOW LADY, SHE WAS HAVING 3 KIDA. WE SPEND SO MUCH OF PLEASENT MOMENTS WHICH I STILL REMEMBER WHEN I SIT ALONE. WE WAS LIKE HUSBAND AND WIFE AND SHE WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME, BUT I WAS IN PUZZLE COZ SHE OFFERED ME FOR MARRIAGE. AS I WAS MARRIED BEFORE. SO I THOUGHT TO STAY OUT OF THIS SITUATION....WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS IF YOU ARE A HAPPYLY MARRIED DONT BROKE YOUR MARRIED RELATIONS FOR A OUT SIDER LADY....IF YOU ARE REALLY INVOLVED IN YOUR AFFAIR...THEN I MUST SAY KEEP BOTH THE WOMEN FAR...THIS IS WHY I AM SAYING COZ I GOT A FRIEND WHO DID A MISTAKE. HE INTRODUCED HER WIFE TO HIS GIRL FRIEND, NOW THE GIRL FRIEND IS COMMING TO HIS HOUSE DAILY AS SHE WAS NOW HIE WIFE'S FRIEND AND HE BECOME A FOOL..NO SECREATS OF HIS FAMILY WAS OF HIS OWN NOW...HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND..
PLZ FOLLOW WHAT I SAY, REST YOU ARE THE PILOT OF YOUR LIFE...
TAKE CARE
All men who do this....is a bunch of Loosers, today I finally woke up and realize life with a MM is a wasted life, I been contemplating leaving for quite sometime Ive realize all he been doing was using me and he will never leave his W. she is a security blanket for him (he lives in her apartment) and she put up with his infedility because she is older than him with 2 kid plus 1 for him and very insecure. I made it clear to her I don't want him, I hope they have a good life, that I want a man who can be honest with me. He will always cheat on her, he cheated on her with me, he cheated on me with other women, he is a born cheater and will never change. I am glad I am out of this mess. Thank you Lord for saving me.
Thank you for this- I learned a lot & it made me gain perspective on what we started...only a month into the fling with the MM & it has been one big fantasy world. We are good friends-never meant to let it go this far & we both know it needs to stop. He is happy with his wife/life/kids & has no intention of leaving.I'd never expect it or ask it of him. I want happiness for all concerned. Not the heartache & drama I've read about over & over. Have to say it is a real bummer to have to look around before you hug a person.Honestly- no one was trying for anything. Just happened. Had known each other & been friends for months.It was never even a thought that we would have EVER ended up fooling around. Not ever. I was always the type to say how could you?;if I heard of an affair. I have turned away married guys before. Always thought it so wrong-had opinions & judgement to dole out for those crossing the line. Now look. I crossed the line & hell I jumped rope with it. I hate it,that I fleetingly grabbed hold of someone elses good thing but the selfish greedy side that felt so happy when he hugged me so tightly...suddenly...we wanted more.I wanted what she has with him. But I know that is not going to happen.Have to let him go... damn hard to walk away from something I want more than anything in the world-I really DO love him.That is why I HAVE to let it go. It was a mistake,but I will not regret the few beautiful moments I was allowed to share with my friend. Can't help who we fall in love with- but I can help who I lay with. Told him if he were single,I'd never let him go. He said were he single, he'd not be single long,he'd carry me over the threshold. Nice sentiment,I am very flattered- but its all fantasy. What a tease and a heartbreak. I thought of how easy it would be to accept having pieces of happiness.Told myself it'd be better than nothing,that any piece of him I was allowed was somehow so special & sacred I was willing to accept it. Or am I ?Hmm...not really. I want more.I want the entire package.True love should not have to be hidden. The truth hits hard when he drives away in the opposite direction to go home to a great family & I am home alone,waiting for the next small moment to be in his presence. Sneaking around sucks,and is not 'us' at all. I am horrified at the thought of being found out,and the unhappiness it would create.It was easy to pretend he was a single entity-at work you don't SEE his family or wife. You know it is the truth-but just so easy to pretend he's mine for a while.A game. A lie. I should not borrow what is not mine. It's a mind-f***,to want to fight for what makes you happy yet know that you have no right to fight for it. Not at all. He told me if she were to find out & asked him WHY...He'd have no answer. Nothing like this has ever happened to him before. He fell for me & was just as shocked as I was by it.He makes no promises. I know he loves me - but it is not on the same level.Deep love for her, I am just an exciting thing that blindsided him & boosts his ego. He represents everything I want in a real relationship. We want to remain friends. It's going to be damn hard. Don't know if I can do it. Being next to him at work will be hard. We have broken it off over & over. We talk about how wrong it is.We KNOW better. WHY is it so hard to stop?! Talk & talk ...then as soon as we are within sight of each other it starts all over again. The more we try to do the right thing-seems like it makes us all the more aware of each other,and makes it worse. A few more days & we will be back at work ... I hope we can set things right and keep it that way. Thanks again to all who shared-it meant a lot to me & helped me find strength I need to do the right thing. *hug*
Private Stock, i know how you feel - i know i am doing the wrong thing, but i can't stop. I am having an affair with my friend's partner of 4 years. She is pushing for marriage, but he tells me he isnt sure what he wants. We've been friends since he and his girlfriend started going out, but we've slowly been getting more involved over the last 6 months, and recently started having sex on a regular basis. i feel horribly guilty, but most of my guilt is because i know i want to do it again. What am i doing? I know i should get out before it gets any worse, but the truth is i just don't want to enough. What does that make me? I despise myself for my weakness.
Someone please help me find the strength before i ruin all three of our lives...
To Private Stock and Desperate:
Don't worry what you do in the dark comes out in the light soon enough... Please go back and read "MM who had an affair" comments to really understand your role in all of this. Bench players... to the MM is not even about you.. funny huh!
To Desperate some kind of friend you are. I guess MM's private part was more important than your friendship. I cannot wait for his girlfriend to find out (the truth always come out) and after she kicks him to the curb, and he kicks you to the curb (why would he want to be in lasting relationship with you.. when you value yourself and your own personal relationships so little) then you will have a lot of time to reflect on your own shortcomings!!!
Peace
If a married man or woman cheats once, chances are they'll cheat again. It's not because they don't get enough sex at home, it's not because they're stressed and need stress relief, it's not because they don't love their partner at home. It's because they crave the excitement of the affair, it's like an adrenalin rush to them.
I have been in a affair with a married man for 19 months i care deeply for him i know he does care for me to he just wont say so i can feel it.....he puts his arms around me after sex stays and talks to me will text me just to talk...and he got mad cause my oldest sons dad was at my house early one morning he drove by and saw his car so that tells me he cares......he wont leave his wife i know she makes good money and i dont but there is some feelings for me on his part i know my instincts are usually not wrong she desreves what he is doing to her she wont have sex with him much plus she is ugly for another looks like a dyke.....she lets him text wont ask who it is lets him keep his phone locked that right there is dumb .....women keep track of your men or they will cheat just like my married guy does.....he puts his myspace private and has single on it and wont let her be on his friend list so thats not a man that loves his wife and she is stupid for not throwing a fit about his myspace so dumb.......i will continue to see him and her dumb ass will never know lol
Well this is an article I just couldnt wait to get my fingers around. You should not mess around with married men or women. There are so many people who break their vows while being married that some people seem to think its normal and exceptable behavior. Well it isn't. When two people take those vows of marriage they agree to be together forever.... When someone decides to go out side of the marriage for sexual pleasures they leave the other party in harms way for all kind of physical and emotions problems.. Cheats.. they are out there willing to give you what they wont give their wife,or husband,and partake of the moment.. What is wrong with just leaving the relationship? Most people who cheat just want their cake and eat it too (Selfish)... When you cheat its evident that your not happy so instead of making someone elses worst night mare come true just Leave.... pack yah bags and go.. for those men and wemen who enjoy cheating think about someone being with your wife or husbadn while your out having fun.. ... I bet you would keep your self at home then,..Think about the lives you effect when you cheat..
To Loving my Affair:
Can somone say "get hooked on phonics", also your married man won't say because he does not feeel anything for you other than instant gratification (I know that is a big word, please look it up). Your instincts should be telling you to run for the hills. He was not jealous that your oldest baby daddy was there (by the way how many baby daddy's do you have), he was mad he couldn't get off (BIG DIFFERENCE). Sweetheart you spend a lot of time analyzing your MM's action, my suggestion to you is to maybe pick up a book from time to time, that way when you post a blog it makes sense..
PS... MY space is for people like you and your MM looking for a booty call, really not for grown-ups, my guess is that his wife have to much class to be on such a page. Please do not worry about his wife, you clearly stated she makes good money, so when she finds out and kicks him to the curb, (she will no doubt be a better woman for it) and you will still be without him because then the thrill of sneaking around with someone as easy as you, will be over for him, and you will not be worth his time. So enjoy the low life while you can!!!
PEACE!!!
Veronica: my response is strictly from a male point of view and I don't intend to be mean or disrespectful but you're nothing more than a "booty call" or the answer to every cheating husband's fantasy. Cheating husbands love cheating women who can keep their mouth shut. If he does leave his wife what make you think he will be faithful to you - forget it! Whatever you do, do not punish the wife by revealing your dirty secret in an attempt to punish the man. The best punishment for the man is to leave the relationship and take out a restraining order. That will crush him much more than telling his wife. Telling his wife may have a significant financial impact, based on her response to the news however, ending the relationship with him will have an emotional impact and strike to the core of his male ego - now that will be the crusher. Besides, hanging out with him is hindering your chance of finding your personal soul mate.
juat an opinion.
jxb7076
Your wording is very poor. You addressed your comment to me and then wrote in second person stating "you are nothing more than a booty call" when clearly my opinion was to call the mistress that wrote to me, an ass. You and I share the same opinion. I'm not sure if you didn't bother to read the article and posted your comment, or if you intended it for the commenters that are having affairs with married men inspite of addressing it to me.
V
Veronica - please accept my apologies. My comment was intended for the mistress who wrote to you - the person having the affair.
jxb7076 - Sweet. Thank you. I was reading your hubs earlier, and became your fan.
I just always want my stand in this to be clear even though alot of open discussion has taken place in the comments between different people.
Understood and thanks for becoming a fan. I hope my hubs don't bore you!
hi veronica,
im into relationship with the married man but what makes it different theve been separated for a year already but not legally separated. the guy doesnt and still looking for a job doesnt have money for divorce.. they have a child...he says he havent seen his wife for a long time and no communication with her.. i believe him .... but should i wait for their legal separation or continue this relationship...am i waitng for somthing or what.. im so confused i dont know what to do ....
I am a 19 (going on 20 in a few days) female was has known her partner for about two years. July 21 st is our two year anniversary. He's 52 and has been married twice before and is currently in an unhappy marriage. He was separated from her for a while before she realized she was dependent on him (he owns his own law business) and asked him to come back under a "dont ask dont tell" type of situation. At least that was what I was told. The difference is our lifestyle. We live a Dom/sub type of relationship. Its not like Hollywood its just us and what works for us. We are not extreme just different. Our relationship sets up certain boundaries we are both happy in. When we first meet almost two years ago we started as friends. I had currently been in a LTR that hadn't worked out. And by that time we had become really close friends often sharing everything from funny moments to the problems we had that day. We didn't move to the next step in our relationship till August of this past year. I lived in NY and it was the first time I could come out and see him. I had brought a friend with me who knew about us and was there for support really (and to vacation). After spending a week with him our friendship became a lot stronger (at this point I should point out nothing sexual occurred). I want to make clear that our relationship wasn't spontaneous. It was a slow progression of care, love, and respect. After that week we meet again for a weekend in October for his birthday. This was our first real moment together as a couple. We wanted to take that step. It wasn't in the heat of the moment. It was calmly talked about and discussed for a while. I went back to NY to finish up college and came out here about a month ago to relocate. There were some rocky moments at first as we both attempted to re-adjust to the situation. I came here with the full knowledge of his situation and that he doesn't plan to leave his wife. He has no children. And if he did leave his wife he has no plans on getting re-married. He hired me at his firm as his assistant. his wife gets up around 4 oclock to go to work and goes to bed by 8 oclock. He gets up about 9 oclock comes over here to shower. have breakfast with me. Go to work together. And is with me from 9am to just about 9pm. when he goes home to take care of what he has to for the next day. I'm with him more then most people. And yes... I dont get the nights. I only get a few hours during the holidays. But I really care for him. Completely. Its not a crush and its not something that was made in the heat of the moment. It was a bond that formed from a strong relationship, communication, and care. I guess what I am saying is this... if you accept that he has to do what he has to do. Are flexible about his lifestyle. And can come to terms that being with him part of the time is better then being with someone else all of the time. Maybe the situation is right for you. But only you can make that call. Have an open mind and heart. And if you really care for someone... dont demand they change who they are. My partner was married. Is married. And will be married till he dies if he wants to be. I feel in love with him fully knowing this and I'm ok with that because it works for us. If you remember to be flexible, play things by ear, and accept him for who he is. You CAN have a relationship with a married man.
A_little_different,
I tend to stay away from interaction with commenters on this hub but wanted to make an exception in your case. I think you missed the point of the article and I also see that your situation is not what I was talking about.
BTW, I am having a very very hard time believing your age. You sound VERY mature, intelligent, accepting and wise for 19-20. So much so that I really do not believe that's your age.
The two things with you that are completely different than the other situations I'm discussing in the article, are:
You're in a Dom/sub power exchange situation which is a completely different set of rules, and the fact that his wife knows he isn't faithful. An open relationship is a decision consenting adults are absolutely free to make. It's not for everyone, I know I couldn't do it, but I know of many couples that do it just fine. The fact that she doesn't want to hear the details doesn't cancel out the fact that she knows.
You situation is fine. But your advice is a little off. This entire article is based on the idea that the cheater is a liar. No matter what, that isn't acceptable. You do not have a liar. You have someone in a Dominant role in your life who is also in an open marriage where he and his wife chose together not to discuss the details. He and his wife respect each other's privacy and wishes in their "don't ask don't tell" arrangement, but that doesn't make it any less honest.
Honey, that is entirely different than being part of a lie. Telling people to be flexible and open minded and open hearted is a sweet idea, but in this case, as it pertains to this hub regarding married liars, it's just wrong. Saying - don't demand that they change who they are - is insane. You should absolutely demand honesty from your partner, in his relations with you and with others.
The point of the hub is not marriages that failed, or open relationships, or agreements adults come to together. It's not at all about deciding to be with a married man in an open relationship. It's about cheating. It's about lies and deception. And that is never, ever acceptable. Ever.
I wish you the best in your life, but I would warn you to be careful not to confuse it with being with a cheater, and not to offer advice to people who are not in a situation anywhere near the honest one you're having. Namaste.
should i say with my husband??? is anyone else in this situation.
I have had the most amazing loving relationship for 20 years..lots of sex and all the trimmings. My husband had always treated me with love and respect and me him.
I went to university and I now know how lonely he felt even though I thought I was considering him every day. A rep at work who I now know was very needy and had been through a lot of the same bad childhood experiences came on the scene.
It all went slowly wrong from this point..over time she set him up the perfect honey trap..it was taked about as a friendship he wouldnt give up..because they had this connection...
I never had enough evidence like a lot of women who fear a woman is making a hard play for their husband..but I new that she was using every weapon she had to turn him against me and to get him nearer to her.
This was what I know know as 'an emotional affair' it eventially led to a short sexual affair about a year ago...which I found out when she turned up on my door step!!!!!
My husband became very mentally messed up and did all the classic lying etc..he is a good guy though and always had been till this person came along.
He wants to be with me for the rest of his life and says he is relieved to be through this period. It is totally over and my natural reaction was to love and forgive....
Is this a common thing and should I do this..how ever strong our feelings still are for each other should I still be here?????????????
I walked away from a married man who was also a good friend.
Its hurting sooo much I feel continually ill.
He wanted to remain friends , coz he got back with his wife - please tell me im doing the rite thing....
sometimes I wonder if i remained friends - whether i could cope... He wants to I know I want more ,but the reality hits home...
RE: Affairs... I also walked away from a married man 7yrs ago, he had kids, and his wife was having a relationship with another man... He was faithful to her and didnt want to cheat. We couldnt, we remained friends up until recently... nothing had changed in his married life. No passion, no love, just the kids... we are now sexsually involved... but he still doesnt want his family to find out. People stay in these love-less relationships because they dont want to lose everything they worked so darn hard for... PERIOD.
I've been having an affair with a married man for 4 years. Its also a long distance relationship so I don't get to see him very often. Now i've not seen him since December. Our communication is done via phone and computer. We've been thru alot in 4 years, from him cheating on both me and his wife with other women to many other countless things. I've read so much here, and there is tons of it that sound just like me and what i'm going thru. Since December I've thought continously of getting out, cause of the pain, the lonliness, and the constant feeling of being used. Although to hear him tell it he doesn't use me, he loves me, is so in love with me and doesn't love his wife like he loves me, never has. I hear how lazy she is and all of those other things they say to make you feel sorry for them. We fight ALOT. Sometimes it gets ugly, name calling, me threatening to tell his wife, constant screaming matches. And of course he's always right. He tells me how I'm the insecure one and that if I could just better understand his situation our relationship would go alot smoother. He can't stand his wife, says shes nasty, only has sex with her cause he has too so she won't become suspicisous. But yet he's taking her away next weekend on a trip for her birthday, well its for a club he is part of.
I get the will to leave then lose it and run back or as soon as I hear him from him I drop my guard to alot it to start all over again. More lately I think about getting away than actually being with him, I just can't seem to make that final move to close the door on that part of my life.
I am a good person, I am a good mother I've just made some BAD decisions in my life. I am 36 years old and have given up 4 years of my life to this man, with nothing to show for it. There are times when my son is away with his dad that I get so depressed I can't even bring myself to leave the house. My friends and family say "girl you've never been a person to take crap from ANYONE" yet you let this guy manipulate you, hurt you, call you names, put you down and make you feel like a piece of trash. And they are exactly right, I do. He's like a drug to me and I can't kick the habit. I have forgotten where I begin. I'm not sure I know how or can find who I am again. I honestly can say I feel worthless at times. My heart breaks to think of losing him yet I long for so much more and am so tired of being alone....................I've lost who I am in this man. I am not the same happy go lucky person I use to be. I have to be careful of what I do or say for fear of making him mad and him flying mad at me. Anyway, it's such a mess, I'm such a mess. I read the stories here and think I can do this, I can walk away, yet I can't find the strength to do so.......... :(
anotherone..... I was in the same position as you... believe me we ended up talking on the phone last saw him in January.
I was a mess.. pathetic ...depressed .. dependent saddo!
he said he his wife was an excellent mother, but he wasnt attracted to her- but has to have sex with her.. coz the in laws keep a check on him!!!
who the sad one.... he wanted to remain friends ... mainly i think coz he wanted to keep mestanding still.. I havent moved on in 5 years. for some reason ... I made a decision... I told 2 good friends and each time i nearly backtracked... they reminded me what a wonderful person i was and deserved better.
I havent looked back... I've shredded all presents and fought with myself not to go back...its an addiction and like any bad habit ... needs to be broken.... you can do it... I honestly thought i couldnt ... but I am soo proud of myself.... I've stopped crying.
walk away and make sure your friends are there for you when you do... its for the best
walk away - & dont look back....
its hard.... make sure you have friends around to help you.It'll be tempting to see what hes doing.... dont!!!
remind yourself how unhappy you are... remind yourself of all the awful things he said... remind yourself you are the best.
hes not yours for sharing
walk away - & dont look back....
its hard.... make sure you have friends around to help you.It'll be tempting to see what hes doing.... dont!!!
remind yourself how unhappy you are... remind yourself of all the awful things he said... remind yourself you are the best.
hes not yours for sharing
Veronica I loved your site... However I have had enough of these whining other women who want these trifling ass married men:
who only loves you (but cannot leave his wife)
only have sex with his wife (out of obligation, OW always seem to fall for this line.. unbelievable)
wife is unattractive (yet he married her)
but this is the "coup de gras" the OW has put her life on hold (in some cases for years for a stolen moment here or there) meanwhile the MM has continued with every aspect of his life with his wife in the midst of it all.
Whose the fool???????????????
Bye Veronica, I loved the article but I cannot believe some of the comments, from the OW, who no doubt knew what she was getting into from the beginning, you deserve every bit of unhappiness that you are getting, KARMA always comes back to bite you in the ass, and it always comes back a little harder than you dished out......Again I say enjoy the low-life while you can, that "wanker" must be a powerful tool, makes me wish I had one, and here I thought we were the smarter sex.. In the case of the OW I say "NOT!!!!"
Let me post my story- I was married to my husband for over 20 years. He was a cheater. I met him when he was 19 he just die this summer, at age 48. Many of the women called to hurt once they learned he had passed-most did not ask from what or who. They all had the same story..he was tired of me and he only stayed because he didn't want me to have half...well now I have it all, they have cards, maybe photos of a couple of gift. Like the good book says for better or worse until death does he part to heart. My husdand never hit, talked nasty to me, he paid all the bills, keep me in the style of life he enjoyed why leave I didn't have to have relation with him at all I got the vactions, the cars, the check book, his family and the title WIFE. FYI when a wife stays it's often because she does love him and she understands him!
Anyone here interested in another perspective and the views and opinions of a married man whose 5 year relationship has just ended with a single girl who I fell deeply in love with and with whom I wanted to have a permanent full time relationship?
Hi all
Thanks everyone for interesting comments and insights. Here is my story. I had an affair with a married man ( same stories and comments about his wife); after 2 years of a fling, I fell pregnant by him and now have a lovely 2 and a half year old son. When I told him about the pregnancy, he ran as fast as he could (rejected me and very distance). He never supported me during the pregnancy. He confessed to his wife regarding the affair and pregnancy. apparently, she abused him and yelled and screamed but allowed him to continue with the marriage. I went through soooo much in my life (from pregnancy till now) and he says he want to leave his family but it will be "so much distruption". I have decided to leave and walk away from all the lies and deception however, dont know what to do with my son and his father relationship. He wants to keep in touch but in secret. Please help!!!!!!!!!!I FEEL VERY DESERTED.
To the wives of cheaters
I understand and respect your pain and your need to place the guilt of the affair on someone else than the person you truly love, your husband. The initial pain when one finds out that one has been cheated on is probably so severe that the brain switches to denial mode. The harsh reality of leaving your husband and having to live life alone is too hard to cope with and putting the blame on the mistress becomes a way of justifying why you have not left your husband.
Truth is, many of the mistresses have not seduced your husband but have been seduced by them. Many men do not initially mention that they are married. It is often a (very important) point that is only brought up after the other woman has already fallen for him.
Moreover, the mistress is often only a normal woman who feels lonely (since you have been living together with someone else for quite a longer time and have a family, you might not really realize how lonely single people can feel), and the attention of a nice, warm and affectionate man feels like a warm shower in the middle of winter to her. Even though the mistress deep inside realizes that she should not give in to his advances, she is just an easy prey.
Also, take a quick look at some (sex)dating websites on the internet; they are full of advertisements of men who are seeking sex and/or affairs outside their marriage. Some of them are upfront about it, some of them hide their marital status.
As a woman you should stop placing blame on other women. Eve might have bitten the apple, but the snake surely did seduce her to do it...
Hi Veronica. I would really appreciate your advice. Allow me to explain my situation...
When I started work at my current company, I clicked immediately with a guy who worked there. We made each other laugh, had amazing chemistry and a sort of bond, which is hard to explain. We became good friends, but as he was married I thought he only saw me as a friend, although I did have feelings for him.
We had been good friends for a year, when we ended up kissing at a friend's party (after having a lot to drink). Nothing else happened for a while after that, but we grew closer and closer, and he told me about his marital problems. I listened and gave advice etc AS A FRIEND (genuinely - I wasn't trying to get my claws into him). He wasn't "trying it on" with me, either... he just needed someone to lean on. He and his wife had been having problems for years and he didn't think their relationship could be mended but they have two children together, so he couldn't just leave..... however things were volatile at home and he was very unhappy with his situation, and realised that this was affecting his kids too.
One evening we were talking about the night we had kissed and he told me that it had meant so much to him - I was shocked at this information and asked him to elaborate but he said that he couldn't... eventually, after more questioning, he wrote me a letter explaining that he had fallen for me and had had feelings for me for around a year, and since we'd kissed he had not been able to get me off his mind. He said that he had to tell me how he felt, but could not persue it. I accepted that, but inevitably, when the opportunity presented itself a week or so later, we ended up kissing, and both confessed that we wanted it to go further.
When I went on a trip abroad about a month afterwards, being apart made us realise how strongly we felt and we admitted that we were both deeply in love with each other. After this, he would come to see me at every opportunity. He told me of his plans to move out of his home, and that he couldn't do it suddenly because of the children, which I understood. He promised me that he would leave.
He swears to this day that he never has (and never will) lie to me. I am inclined to believe him as we are very close, and open and honest which each other (even painfully honest).
Around 2 months ago, he wrote me a letter explaining that although he loved me and wanted me in his life he could not walk out on his children. He had tried, but he couldn't bare the thought of his children not having their dad living with them. I understand this, as he is totally devoted to them. Another reason was that things had calmed down at home and he and his wife were on much better terms, almost friends (nothing more though, apparently) therefore the children were not hearing them argue etc and seeing their parents unhappy.
Since his letter, we have stayed close, but have tried to break up several times because he feels that he can't live with the guilt, but it simply doesn't last, as we keep coming to the same conclusion: we love each other too much to end it. Although he and his wife get on better, he has told her that he is only there for the children and she seems to accept this (as she only seems to want security and stability from him). They have not been intimate since before he and I started seeing each other.
However he maintains that he won't leave. I keep trying to justify it all by telling myself that he's a good person, just messed up. Because I knew him as a friend beforehand, I know how lovely he is and he really didn't intend to get into this situation; he hates all the lies and deceipt as much as I do. I don't feel like I can (or want to) give up on him. I have never felt such a connection with anyone before, and he says the same about me. As much as the guilt is eating him up, he doesn't want our relationship to end either.
I don't know what to do anymore!! This has been going on for 6 months now and I am totally besotted with him. I am only 24 years old - I shouldn't be bogged down with these sort of worries - but I love him too much to move on. Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you.
Hi Veronica. I would really appreciate your advice. Allow me to explain my situation...
When I started work at my current company, I clicked immediately with a guy who worked there. We made each other laugh, had amazing chemistry and a sort of bond, which is hard to explain. We became good friends, but as he was married I thought he only saw me as a friend, although I did have feelings for him.
We had been good friends for a year, when we ended up kissing at a friend's party (after having a lot to drink). Nothing else happened for a while after that, but we grew closer and closer, and he told me about his marital problems. I listened and gave advice etc AS A FRIEND (genuinely - I wasn't trying to get my claws into him). He wasn't "trying it on" with me, either... he just needed someone to lean on. He and his wife had been having problems for years and he didn't think their relationship could be mended but they have two children together, so he couldn't just leave..... however things were volatile at home and he was very unhappy with his situation, and realised that this was affecting his kids too.
One evening we were talking about the night we had kissed and he told me that it had meant so much to him - I was shocked at this information and asked him to elaborate but he said that he couldn't... eventually, after more questioning, he wrote me a letter explaining that he had fallen for me and had had feelings for me for around a year, and since we'd kissed he had not been able to get me off his mind. He said that he had to tell me how he felt, but could not persue it. I accepted that, but inevitably, when the opportunity presented itself a week or so later, we ended up kissing, and both confessed that we wanted it to go further.
When I went on a trip abroad about a month afterwards, being apart made us realise how strongly we felt and we admitted that we were both deeply in love with each other. After this, he would come to see me at every opportunity. He told me of his plans to move out of his home, and that he couldn't do it suddenly because of the children, which I understood. He promised me that he would leave.
He swears to this day that he never has (and never will) lie to me. I am inclined to believe him as we are very close, and open and honest which each other (even painfully honest).
Around 2 months ago, he wrote me a letter explaining that although he loved me and wanted me in his life he could not walk out on his children. He had tried, but he couldn't bare the thought of his children not having their dad living with them. I understand this, as he is totally devoted to them. Another reason was that things had calmed down at home and he and his wife were on much better terms, almost friends (nothing more though, apparently) therefore the children were not hearing them argue etc and seeing their parents unhappy.
Since his letter, we have stayed close, but have tried to break up several times because he feels that he can't live with the guilt, but it simply doesn't last, as we keep coming to the same conclusion: we love each other too much to end it. Although he and his wife get on better, he has told her that he is only there for the children and she seems to accept this (as she only seems to want security and stability from him). They have not been intimate since before he and I started seeing each other.
However he maintains that he won't leave. I keep trying to justify it all by telling myself that he's a good person, just messed up. Because I knew him as a friend beforehand, I know how lovely he is and he really didn't intend to get into this situation; he hates all the lies and deceipt as much as I do. I don't feel like I can (or want to) give up on him. I have never felt such a connection with anyone before, and he says the same about me. As much as the guilt is eating him up, he doesn't want our relationship to end either.
I don't know what to do anymore!! This has been going on for 6 months now and I am totally besotted with him. I am only 24 years old - I shouldn't be bogged down with these sort of worries - but I love him too much to move on. Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!! Thank you.
As the wife of a man who has had at least two affairs that I know of, I can tell you this, men who cheat are by definition utter liars. They are hurting everyone around them, wives, children, girlfriends ( although I have little sympathy for them ), nobody escapes the fall out, how can it be worth it ? Girls dont kid yoursef that it is only the wife who is being lied to !
They cheat because they can, usually via work and the stupid wife at home is boring, or a bitch, blah blah blah..... The girls they cheat with are often younger and easily impressed, and please if you are that woman contemplating or in an affair, stop, please dont get involved because the hurt you help cause is torture.
My husband has ruined my life and destroyed my self esteem, I will never trust another man and I dont know what to tell my children.
He says he loves me and the other women mean nothing to him, In a way I feel sorry for him and find it all a bit pathetic, does that make any sense to anyone ?
ggirl- I echo your comments. My husband been lying to me for 20 years - says that it didnt mean anything - used work as the best excuse. whilst i was working and bringing up our kids he was fooling around with his bitches.... In a way I've started to slowly feel nothing for him.....and like you see him as rather pathetic... a liar and a cheat. Known him since we were 17. we have 2 kids. I know hes had a string of affairs ........ I tried to get back at him by trying to do the same .... but I ended up hurting myself ... as I found it hard to be unfaithful.still with him... very numbed by the experience. when i tried to do the same - beacame friends with another married man |-and I saw both sides of the coin.... i could have also have become the other woman ! couldnt do that to another wife..... i know how much it upset me....
so what now..........................numbed bythe experience.
ggirl- I echo your comments. My husband been lying to me for 20 years - says that it didnt mean anything - used work as the best excuse. whilst i was working and bringing up our kids he was fooling around with his bitches.... In a way I've started to slowly feel nothing for him.....and like you see him as rather pathetic... a liar and a cheat. Known him since we were 17. we have 2 kids. I know hes had a string of affairs ........ I tried to get back at him by trying to do the same .... but I ended up hurting myself ... as I found it hard to be unfaithful.still with him... very numbed by the experience. when i tried to do the same - beacame friends with another married man |-and I saw both sides of the coin.... i could have also have become the other woman ! couldnt do that to another wife..... i know how much it upset me....
so what now..........................numbed bythe experience.
Some women need to wake up. Just because you're married, you think you're well and secure. The fact is you need to come out with something innovative to capture your husband's attention. Who cares if you've been married for 13 years with 4 kids or so? If you're a fat ass or you come from a rich family and think you're the best, you'd think your husband wouldn't be out doing some hanky-panky with a younger hotter girl? It makes it WORSE if your husband is always outstation and comes home only on weekends. Sweetie, he doesn't only have 1 girlfriend. He would have at least 1 gf, and some other affairs. I know this because i know 1 guy who does this. A very close friend of mine. As a wife, you don't blame your husband or the other women if you're only a weekend wife because you wanna stay close to your mum and dad. If you don't wanna follow him and stay close to where he works, believe me honey, he has other GF'S. Some guys wanna stay because of the wife's status. Feels sorry if he divorces his wife nobody would wanna be with her and take care of his kids. Well at least that's what i've heard. "My wife is so much more heavier than me"."My wife beats me up if i don't give her the answer she wants to hear". "She eats McDonald's at midnight". "How does she spend a thousand a week for the household". Women, how the hell are you going to satisfy him in his favorite position;with you on top if your body is like a full barrel?? Wake up and smell the coffee.
Some women need to wake up. Just because you're married, you think you're well and secure. The fact is you need to come out with something innovative to capture your husband's attention. Who cares if you've been married for 13 years with 4 kids or so? If you're a fat ass or you come from a rich family and think you're the best, you'd think your husband wouldn't be out doing some hanky-panky with a younger hotter girl? It makes it WORSE if your husband is always outstation and comes home only on weekends. Sweetie, he doesn't only have 1 girlfriend. He would have at least 1 gf, and some other affairs. I know this because i know 1 guy who does this. A very close friend of mine. As a wife, you don't blame your husband or the other women if you're only a weekend wife because you wanna stay close to your mum and dad. If you don't wanna follow him and stay close to where he works, believe me honey, he has other GF'S. Some guys wanna stay because of the wife's status. Feels sorry if he divorces his wife nobody would wanna be with her and take care of his kids. Well at least that's what i've heard. "My wife is so much more heavier than me"."My wife beats me up if i don't give her the answer she wants to hear". "She eats McDonald's at midnight". "How does she spend a thousand a week for the household". Women, how the hell are you going to satisfy him in his favorite position;with you on top if your body is like a full barrel?? A man who has had affairs, he WILL NEVER STOP having an affair. Wake up and smell the coffee.
to Just me:
What the hell are you talking about. You are not making an ounce of sense. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste".
To the Wives: If your husband is having an affair with someone like "JustMe", all I can say is that you really need to leave him... What a Pick!!!!
The other woman usually have the same amount of common sense as JustMe...
Sad as it is...I spent 17 years with a cheater, then left him and ...then went on to spend 19 years with a MM...before I ended everything with him . Had known him for over 25 years in total. Found out he his new toy is a 22 year old gal...So I hired a private detective to provide her with all the posts here...I feel the most sorry for his new victim..Believe me he is the master of seduction. His wife is aware of his affairs and chooses to look the other way. I gave away 19 years of my life...and even when I found another man and dated him for a year and a half...Mr MM was hurt...said it made him feel terrible...so what did I do? Gave up the man I was dating....Went back to MM. I had to literally get sick to my stomach before I got out. I am a professional woman, I am so horribly embarrassed by all of this and have spent many hours in self forgiveness and requesting forgiveness for even him. yes even for him. I feel like we are bonded for eternity in a vile way...I am working on clearing all of this...it takes a lot of time after a 19 year affair...PLEASE ANYONE READING THIS>>> It is PAINFUL..more so to stay in than to get out...
I am going to attempt to hide the disdain that I feel towards all those that have disrespected and condecended to the "mistresses" - that's right! I'm defending the MISTRESSES. You have no idea what put them in that situation and I'm guessing that all those bitter women out there are the wives that have been cheated on. I've been that wife...and... I've been that mistress (a place I never thought I'd be). Do I regret it? Simply put...NO!! All those reading this will no doubt have a comment, I say bring it!!
If a man (or woman) wants to cheat...he's going to...and it doesn't matter who it's with!!! You can't lose anyone that doesn't want to be lost!!
I will not defend myself -I have no obligation to you or to anyone else reading this. You don't know me.
I don't want him with me, I told him from the very beginning I didn't want that. I just wanted someone removed from my world and he needed someone removed from his. I know a great deal about her, through him and verified through friends (mine not hers), I know he has been completely open and honest with his situation. You can choose to believe me or not (I really don't care).
This is the healthiest relationship I've ever had because we don't have any obligation to each other and aren't worried to offend each other. We say what we think, when we think it, and we make no apologies. Because we know at the end of the day, we're still there!! How many married couples can say that?!
TJ
You deserve every bit of unhappiness you get, and trust me it is coming your way. Please post it when it happens. I will so love to tell you..."I told you so". Woman like you make it so easy for men to do what they do.. Enjoy the low life while you can. As for the wife, what her husband is doing in the dark will come to light soon enough and when it does I pray she find the strength to leave Mr Low Life. She so deserve so much better.. She will be a better woman for it and you will still be that MM toilet...
TJ I share your disdain. I feel many of the comments posted here are full of self righteous indignation and are far too judgemental without them knowing what the circumstances were that brings 2 people to have an affair. But I would say that wouldn’t I – I’m a man!
Unlike many of the women who’ve spilled out their emotions over the man that failed to leave his wife for them (and I admit its the most common outcome) I seem to be one of the few who couldn’t get his (single) girlfriend to commit to me, not the other way round! As I was to find out after waiting patiently for 5 years for her to overcome her fears of commitment, which were in fact well-founded, it actually suited her for me to be married.
Various counsellors told me she probably wouldn’t have chosen me if I had been single. It was she who kept telling me to wait before getting a divorce, it was she who wanted to avoid the issue of commitment. Every time I raised the issue she’d find an excuse to avoid the discussion. And to those who say I should have left my wife regardless of the outcome, I was advised not to do so as they feared the outcome I eventually got and believed I wouldn’t handle being left out in the cold very well. Tough, I hear you all say!
But sometimes it’s not quite as clear cut as some would have you think. A little less hysteria should be applied to what is inevitably a very emotional time for everyone who goes through something like this. I do sympathise and recognise the angst of those women who fall for married men who as time passes, show no intent and make up lots of excuses as to why they haven’t left their wife. That’s contemptible. It’s also dishonest.
I don’t think some people realise that what may start out as a fling (which is really a euphemism for lots of good sex with someone new) often leads to a deep love affair from which it’s difficult to escape, especially emotionally. So despite my plea for some understanding here, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. My advice is – tread carefully!
I'M SEEING A MARRIED MAN, AND HAVE BEEN FOR 10 YEARS NOW. HE LIVES N ANOTHER STATE AND WE SEE EACH OTHER OFTEN. WHEN I FIRST MET HIM, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS MARRIED. IN FACT, HE HAD BEEN SEPARATED FOR 2 YEARS AND LIVING ON HIS OWN. WELL I CAME ON THE SCENE DURING THAT TIME, AND WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS EVER SINCE. I CAN'T SEE US NOT BEING FRIENDS! SOMETIMES I FEEL FOR HER, I MEAN SHE GOT HIM FAIR AND SQUARE. I ASK ABOUT HER AND THE KIDS!...I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE HER TO BE W/ ME. I DON'T THINK THATS A GOOD REASON. IF HE EVER DECIDES TO LEAVE, I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TO BE WITH ME, BUT BECAUSE HE WANTS PEACE AND WOULD LEAVE REGARDLESS TO IF ANYONE WAS IN HIS LIFE! I LOVE HIM, AND I BELEIVE HE LOVES ME. IN FACT I KNOW HE DOES. I JUST CAN'T SEE US NOT BEING FRIENDS.
we all make choces. Good or bad its how we relate that is important. MY ex wife and hubby brought back spices from Jamaica wowo that was goodI care
This was the best site I came across for this subject.I just need someone to tell me how to forget him and get over it. I have moved on. I am 73 and it happened to me. I am now retired and I volunteered with him. For the first 3 months I thought he was single. My daughter and granddaughter also volunteered there and they saw him in action. They loved him too, thought he was perfect for me, and were shocked to find out he was married.....He did not act married or wear a ring.He or anyone ever mentioned a wife. We had chemistry from day one. He was so attentive and complimentary all the time. He was a great hugger, winker and smiled at me all the time. He always seemed to know where I was in the building.I was really into him when I found out accidentally he was married. I put a halt to that right away. I did everything to ignore him short of quitting. It seemed the more I "dated" the more aggressive and intense it became.. We never got to the sex part as I put up with his attentions for 3 more months. I thought I could handle it. I am an educated professional woman who had 3 businesses. Been single 20 years. Never really had time for the "man" thing. Well, to make a long story short. I fell in love with him. Everyone there knew he had a thing for me before I did. This guy is good at this. He never in the 10 months he "tried" to "get" me did he ever mention his wife. EVER......As soon as I knew I had fallen for him I quit and vanished from his life. I did not want to mess with a married man.Heard he was all bent out of shape and was upset because I just walked out the door and never came back. I saw him 3 months ago very casually and he was still at it with me. Talked to me for 1 1/2 hours. I just thought to myself. "You never stop, do you?" I still get jittery when I see his car. He has never tried to contact me to find out from me why I vanished so I decided he was using me to get a few kicks 3 times a week. How long does it take to get over someone. I am way to old for this kind of crap. Ladies, these men never give up, even in their 70's. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY WHEN YOU FIND OUT THEY ARE MARRIED. THEY ARE NOT NICE MEN. HE DECIEVED ME, HIS WIFE, MY FAMILY TOO. Thank you for letting me vent. After reading all this sad stories I know I did the right thing.
This was the best site I came across for this subject.I just need someone to tell me how to forget him and get over it. I have moved on. I am 73 and it happened to me. I am now retired and I volunteered with him. For the first 3 months I thought he was single. My daughter and granddaughter also volunteered there and they saw him in action. They loved him too, thought he was perfect for me, and were shocked to find out he was married.....He did not act married or wear a ring.He or anyone ever mentioned a wife. We had chemistry from day one. He was so attentive and complimentary all the time. He was a great hugger, winker and smiled at me all the time. He always seemed to know where I was in the building.I was really into him when I found out accidentally he was married. I put a halt to that right away. I did everything to ignore him short of quitting. It seemed the more I "dated" the more aggressive and intense it became.. We never got to the sex part as I put up with his attentions for 3 more months. I thought I could handle it. I am an educated professional woman who had 3 businesses. Been single 20 years. Never really had time for the "man" thing. Well, to make a long story short. I fell in love with him. Everyone there knew he had a thing for me before I did. This guy is good at this. He never in the 10 months he "tried" to "get" me did he ever mention his wife. EVER......As soon as I knew I had fallen for him I quit and vanished from his life. I did not want to mess with a married man.Heard he was all bent out of shape and was upset because I just walked out the door and never came back. I saw him 3 months ago very casually and he was still at it with me. Talked to me for 1 1/2 hours. I just thought to myself. "You never stop, do you?" I still get jittery when I see his car. He has never tried to contact me to find out from me why I vanished so I decided he was using me to get a few kicks 3 times a week. How long does it take to get over someone. I am way to old for this kind of crap. Ladies, these men never give up, even in their 70's. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY WHEN YOU FIND OUT THEY ARE MARRIED. THEY ARE NOT NICE MEN. HE DECIEVED ME, HIS WIFE, MY FAMILY TOO. Thank you for letting me vent. After reading all this sad stories I know I did the right thing.
I have just found this site - having read the contents for the past two hours I realise I really do need help, please.
My husband and I separated exactly a year ago after 3 children (now grown) and a miserable marriage for the last 5yrs.
I have set up home a couple of miles away from the family home, returned to work, got my life on track and low and behold .............. yes you guessed it, have recently started an affair with a married man.
This came as a shock to us both - I had never previously imagined any such thing happening. I cannot believe the strength of feeling I have for this man who is definitely unavailable!
I wake up in a sweat feeling disgusted with myself one minute and in raptures the next. This affair goes against everything I have ever believed in morally. Having been faithful throughout my 25yr marriage I am amazed that I am even contemplating sleeping with a married man let alone doing so.
My MM is 10 years younger than me and makes me feel so good in every way.
So, why am I here? Because I know it will all end in tears - most likely mine. It is Saturday night and I am alone,again,berating myself for being such a stupid woman but knowing that I will not be able to resist him next time he calls.
I am hurting now and very likely will be hurting even more if the affair continues. I have had enough hurt in my marriage over the years and have been so strong this past year I felt I deserved a break. Maybe I do but a broken heart was not what I had in mind.
Please could someone out there advise me how to finish this doomed love affair before I get in too deep.
Is it not possible to just go with the flow and enjoy the time we do spend together without getting hurt or hurting anyone else?
He is very honest with me (is that an oxymoron) educated,wealthy and successful and appears to lead a separate life to his wife. He told me last night that he is falling in love with me but that ditching his family would be totally unacceptable in every way.
I do of course know this must not continue but how do I deny my feelings and give him up?
Thanks in anticipation of replies.........
Sally;
How do you end it? Just like that, you end it. Will it hurt, heck yeah it will hurt but the pain you will feel further down the line is going to be way worse than what you would feel now. This thing will never ever last and manipulation is the one thing married men use to get a woman attached to them. Once attached, you will do anything and everything to hold on to them, a puppet on a string. Out goes your dignity, your integrity and your self worth, not to mention your self esteem.
Sally, you deserve more than a man who will only give you a small amount of time and attention. If you were to get sick or need him to help you, he will never have the time, yet he will always have the time for his wife and family. If you felt lonely before he came into your life, be prepared to feel even lonelier as this so called relationship continues. It will only hurt you everytime he choses his wife and family over you.
End it Sally, End it now, or pay the price of extremely, unbareable pain later.
Hang on to your character, stay true to who you really are, a wonderful, decent, beautiful woman and find a man who will devote himself to you and YOU alone.
Kate
My significant other passed away 3-1/2 months ago. I am now having an affair (10 days) with his married best friend. I know the wife, I know the situation. Married young because she was pregnant. No marital sex for the last 7 years, wife does not like to do anything hubby likes to do,his kid is 23, wife doesn't work, cook or clean. She is a needy, clingy, hypochondriac. Spends all of her time and his money gambling.
Me, I'm 44 - although not actually married to my old boyfriend, I know that it was in the works. I do not have children or any real baggage.
At this point there are/have been no promises. I do not feel guilty. I almost feel that my recently passed boyfriend has put us together to make each other happy in this life. The guys would have done anything for each other. My guy knew how very unhappy his friend was/is in his marriage. This may come to bite me in the ass but for right now. I am enjoying every minute. What will be will be.
almost a widow
I seem to hold a record for a long time affair with a married man...19 years worth. Not that I am proud of it... Have known him for a total of 23 years. TO all of you ladies out there..it is an "empty existence". Even though I have had 2 other boyfriends during this time (with his knowledge) it has become unbearably empty and I am moving away from the situation as I type. I have hurt him with these other male relationships, and actually felt guilty for hurting him. I on the other hand have spent most weekends, holidays and free time alone, while he enos his family life. I enjoy time alone for the most part...but at age 54 I relaize this could be the rest of my life if I do not end it and move on. Yes I love him...Yes he loves me... but it is NOT enough for me anymore. I am in the process of ending it...
There were so many comments on this one that I admit I have not read them all - but, I just wondered, whether any of you have considered the sisterhood of women. If the man - any man has a relationship with another woman then do not go there. First and foremost consider your sisterhood of women. You will then never get it wrong for anyone.
There is nothing wrong with friendship, but if someone else's husband, boyfriend, committed lover comes onto you then tell them you do not go there because you revere the sisterhood of women - IT IS NEVER RIGHT TO GO THERE!
When these men have sorted themselves out, grown up emotionally and dealt with old relationships that are not working then you can go there.
Can you see, if this sisterhood of women was revered by all women then no man in a committed relationship would be able to cheat on you! Because no woman would agree to betray their sister. We are all one womanhood.
Namaste
Hi, 5 years ago i met a guy (he was amazing and i really liked him) we were both in relationships - i ended my relationship for him and he went and got maried to his girlfriend. since after he got married we have been together and we have been having an affair (on and off for 4 years). in between that i got married (for four months) and i got divorced becuase he was so upset that i was with antoher man. after i got divorced i went to him saying that i am single and that we can be together properly the way he wanted. but he said to me that he doesnt want me no more (becuase if i can cheat on my bofriend and husband to be with him then why cant i cheat on him??) he said even though he loves me and he doesnt love his wife he does not want to be with a person like me!!! he would rather be with someone like his wife who he trusts.....
i have been depressed for the last 4 years...and i dont think i will get over this...i know it is my fault - but i was so madly in love with him that i recked everything in my life to be with him and make him happy.....he left me for dead.......i am so alone and empty.....i had a husband and a boyfriend who treated me so well (even though i didnt deserve it) i left all that to be with him....and i got nothing....
in between all this his wife found out and she forgave him - and he thinks the world of her because she stuck by him ....he didnt care what i did for him.
he left me and now he cares about his wife....we have broken up thousands of times in the last 5 years - but he comes back to me - now that he has complety dystroyed me he has left me alone!!! i hope he is happyy!!!!!
I am married to a man that is cheating and he doesn't know that I know. I love him dearly and am hoping that it will run its course and he realizes that he is loved and appreciate at home. He suffers depression and is in midlife crisis at 55yrs, doubting himself as a man because of loss of income in this recession and to top it off we are losing our home. I don't know if the ow knows he is married because he works out of town all week and comes home on weekends. He goes out of his way to call me several times a day but his phome records show that he has just called her or calls her after me. I believe this is to ease a conscience. Don't really know where I am going with this except to say that not all wives are heartless and unloving but we are still cheated on. The ow should not enable these mm when they are at a low point in their lives. Walk away gracefully and don't excerbate their personal turmoil. They don't know what they want.
well, after reading all of this- - i feel terrible.
i never though i'd be in this type of situation. i met a guy, & didn't know that he was married until he "confessed" a few months into our relationship. i backed off, but then- - i continued to have an ongoing affair with him. he was visiting, so his family was thousands of miles away.
then, he left- - back to his family. but, he continues to call, write me- - & make plans to see me. & he finally said, "i love you" via phone. i'm so confused?! he says that he needs to figure out his life.
and- - he also said that he thinks we will eventually be together? i don't know what to do!
i have entertained the thought of being with him. but, i am so confused. why? because i really do feel as if we both have a connection.
anyhow- - i don't wanna be judged by anyone on here. & i don't judge any of the other confused people out there.
it doesn't make you a bad person, to feel love for someone? does it?
& to all the married, scorn women out there- - - i have never been married- - but i could only imagine how painful it would be if i were in your shoes.
God bless.
I totally understand so many of these comments and in an odd way, nice to know I am not alone in the confusing limbo world that any affair creates. Last week, I stopped it for what I hope is the last time, and since then the 'i love you's' have been coming thick and fast. Just when i think I have had enough of sitting back, waiting for him to call, and actually say enough is enough as I can't take this anymore, he seems to know just how to pull me back in again.... how will I get out of this again, I am simply not sure I am strong enough anymore.
I am a married woman of 33 years and found out about 2 and a half years ago, that my husband cheated witha co worker for six years. I was devastated. Oh, I knew, but closed my eyes to it. This affair started in 1984. You OW really are fools. I can't understand all this talk about love, and what should I do, he tells me he loves me and won't leave for the childrens sake. We see other when he can, I sit and wait, I spent the holidays alone, he told me he'd be there. The best comments are how horrible the wife is, she doesnt' give him what he needs, she clingy, needy. Once again you OW woman are fools! You have no empathy in your hearts. If you love the MM and believe he is your soul mate,then have the balls to tell him, until you leave your wife I won't lower my self respect for you. If he loved you you would be first in his life. He is with you for the deverison of his real life of responsiblities, stress, bad times. You are a release and let them use you for their own selfishness. You OW women say, " the sex was Great", please, you do whatever he wants, you bend over backwards, (literally) for them. They start to realize what kind of women you are, no self respect, or morals. While they know that they have a woman who is there the ones who put up with the good and bad days. As I see it you OW woman who let themselves hang on for years and years to satisfy a MM and believe the lies from them are Stupid and Foolish!!!! You just wast your life waiting, hoping, sitting by the phone. For what to screw the night away and watch him go to the reality of a wife and family....You OW will never get back the years you wasted, you will get old and be alone, for what? It's plain crazy, Woman open your eyes and have the balls to find someone that is free. I believe most OW have something lacking within themselves to LET this happen to them. The foolish one in the triangle is the OW. And by the way I found the OW in my situation, after 20 years the Whore, was proud of her accomplishments with my Husband. But guess what I know that if it hurt me after all this time, the pain she must of felt when he got bored and threw her to the curb, must of been worst for her. You see I didn't have to cry, and wonder, and wait, he protected me. Because the sadd thing about all this is the Whore didn't know me, but she knew of me. You OW women out there, "You got the Balls to Sleep with MM, have the Balls the tell the Wife, and then the proof will be in the pudding!!!!! You OW women are sad, pathetic women. The MM knows this and uses you the his advantage. Remember this OW, "Adulters and Whoremongers will be JUDGED by God"...All you Wifes, know that you will win in the end and that even if he leaves you then good riddence, he just wasn't worth it and let the OW deal with the real Man, the one you know!!!! It just maybe lucky for you that you won't have to deal with him anymore and Whore he's with will end up knowing the real man not the one who saw himself in her adoring eyes.......
I am a married woman of 33 years and found out about 2 and a half years ago, that my husband cheated witha co worker for six years. I was devastated. Oh, I knew, but closed my eyes to it. This affair started in 1984. You OW really are fools. I can't understand all this talk about love, and what should I do, he tells me he loves me and won't leave for the childrens sake. We see other when he can, I sit and wait, I spent the holidays alone, he told me he'd be there. The best comments are how horrible the wife is, she doesnt' give him what he needs, she clingy, needy. Once again you OW woman are fools! You have no empathy in your hearts. If you love the MM and believe he is your soul mate,then have the balls to tell him, until you leave your wife I won't lower my self respect for you. If he loved you you would be first in his life. He is with you for the deverison of his real life of responsiblities, stress, bad times. You are a release and let them use you for their own selfishness. You OW women say, " the sex was Great", please, you do whatever he wants, you bend over backwards, (literally) for them. They start to realize what kind of women you are, no self respect, or morals. While they know that they have a woman who is there the ones who put up with the good and bad days. As I see it you OW woman who let themselves hang on for years and years to satisfy a MM and believe the lies from them are Stupid and Foolish!!!! You just wast your life waiting, hoping, sitting by the phone. For what to screw the night away and watch him go to the reality of a wife and family....You OW will never get back the years you wasted, you will get old and be alone, for what? It's plain crazy, Woman open your eyes and have the balls to find someone that is free. I believe most OW have something lacking within themselves to LET this happen to them. The foolish one in the triangle is the OW. And by the way I found the OW in my situation, after 20 years the Whore, was proud of her accomplishments with my Husband. But guess what I know that if it hurt me after all this time, the pain she must of felt when he got bored and threw her to the curb, must of been worst for her. You see I didn't have to cry, and wonder, and wait, he protected me. Because the sadd thing about all this is the Whore didn't know me, but she knew of me. You OW women out there, "You got the Balls to Sleep with MM, have the Balls the tell the Wife, and then the proof will be in the pudding!!!!! You OW women are sad, pathetic women. The MM knows this and uses you the his advantage. Remember this OW, "Adulters and Whoremongers will be JUDGED by God"...All you Wifes, know that you will win in the end and that even if he leaves you then good riddence, he just wasn't worth it and let the OW deal with the real Man, the one you know!!!! It just maybe lucky for you that you won't have to deal with him anymore and Whore he's with will end up knowing the real man not the one who saw himself in her adoring eyes.......
Lonely, I have been with a married man for a while. The only thing is that I don't want him to leave his wife. But know we have a child together and he says he love me but the way I see it is if he been with his wife for 25+ years and he been cheating on her majority of the tome then he will do it to me. I have caught so many feelings. I'm inn too deep. I will never be able to find my way out. I truely love him. Now I'm caught up in a love triangle. I will never ask him to live his wife for me or my child. Hell she was there first for one. They share a bed every night, wake up to one another, spend all there holidays with eachother. I don't get any of that. Sometime it hurts but I only can take what I can get. Sadly to say we have brought a child into this.
cluess,
I feel sorry for your child. Because of the selfishness you and the MM are, this child was born. An innocent litlle person in on this earth and you still love him. He doesn't even love his family, how could he love you and the child. If you haven't come to terms that you are nothing, after you had his baby, then you deserve to feel just as you do today.
You can only change yourself, and now the piority should be your child, NOT HIM!!!! You feel sorry for yourself, but it was you who accepted this life when you started this affair. Now it's time to grow up and move one for you Child! You need help, because all you talk about is loving him, what you don't get, and his wife gets, what about your baby! You reap what you sow!!!! Honey, everything you and OW woman go through you deserve. At times I feel sorry for woman like you, yet again, you made the choice and it's you that is sufferring, and you who is lonely.....And still it's you who lets it happen to you.....In the end the MM made a fool out of you.
i need help... after 6 months of NO contact - i Replied TO MM text to me - and instantly - I've just fallen apart !!! why why ... I hate this feeling - can someone please explain why this happens ..... and what i can do to make the pain go away.
i need help... after 6 months of NO contact - i Replied TO MM text to me - and instantly - I've just fallen apart !!! why why ... I hate this feeling - can someone please explain why this happens ..... and what i can do to make the pain go away.
Problem with dating a married man is that once he divorces his wife and proposes to you, you become the wife he left. Will he cheat on your again? Is it worth the worries?
@Angela
wow, you have a lot of anger and hatred hunny that's directed at the wrong person. I can understand you being upset. But just because someone doesn't behave according to your lifestyle idealism does not mean they are "doomed" like you think they will be.
I've been following this convo since I've posted about 6 months ago. There is no black and white answer as much as some of you would hope there would be. It's not as simple as "finding a free man" or "having the balls to tell their wife."
I'm happily in a two year relationship with a 52 year old married man. He has been with his wife for 23 years. Longer then I've been born. lol. The key here isn't that he cheats. (his wife does know about me) but that's not even the point. Even if she had no clue or only suspected I'd still love him just as much. Some men arent happy to be tied down. It's nothing to do with who they are married too. Do I expect my partner to be faithful only to me and his wife? Hell no. I would never ask that of him, because I know in my heart that that would make him unhappy. I love him. Completely and unconditionally. I would never ask him to do something that would make him unhappy and eventually resent me.
What I'm getting at is this: You can not force someone to be faithful to only one person. Trust me, sometimes it does get hard as the OW. And we have a lot going on in our own minds about it I assure you. But the point is to be understanding. This breaks down into two categories.
As the other women: You need to except that he has other obligations. If you can live him sharing his time with others you can make it. But you need to be flexible. You need to understand sometimes that special date you've been really looking forward to will get canceled. But if you really love him. And really want to be with him that's a decision you will need to weight. But it's in your hands. Relationships are two way streets. If you do decide to stick it out with him, I suggest not being really dependent on him. Make new friends, pick up hobbies, do something so that your not just sitting around missing him because those times suck.
As the wife on a MM who is seeing other people: Well, hunny you will need to make that call. You will need to decide if the love you have for him outweighs his need to see other people. Communicate that it hurts that he didnt tell you. But ultimately you need to decide if sharing him is better then not having him at all. Because he wont change. He will always have the need to roam. It's in his blood. And it's just going to cause tension if you try to force him to be anything that he isnt. If you decide that you cant deal with a man who has that kind of a need maybe its time to move on. Yes, I know you are probably in a lot of pain. Deep pain. As easy as it is to curse out and "doom" the guy and the OW sometimes you need to take that anger and do an inner reflection. Is it their fault your married man cheated on you? No, if it wasnt them it would be someone else. Because it's a part of who your husband is. Is it your husbands fault? Yes, but and its a big BUT that's not a reason to damn them. lol I know they hurt you really bad. But bringing in god and a whole bunch of other stuff will only escalate the situation. They are who they are. So you can either except that's who they are and what they need. And live your life knowing he's coming home to you every night. Or you need to leave him. But that decision is yours.
You wont get all the answers looking on sites like this. Every situation is delicate and different. But the main point I'm trying to say is dont go around blaming others. Make your decision. Be confident enough to stick with that decision and live your life the best you can. Because life is way to short to be focusing on "what you had." live each day for what it is. Sometimes it will really suck. Other days you will remember for the rest of your life. Stop focusing on who did what... and start focusing on making your life the best it can be for the unexpected turn it took.
@A_different
You just proved my point. Since you are only 20 or so years old, what do you know about marriage? Listen you are accomadating your MM, with all your nonsense of you expecting him to be faithful to you and his wife, PLEASE, that is the most pathetic thing I've read here.If you love him why not be his number one, what are his reasons of not leaving his wife? Explain to me why the OW never gives the reasons as to why they just don't tell the wife, that would be your soluation to your problem, or is it that you OW are afraid that it's not you he'd choose? Your foolish and very naive....Angry yes, because the OW didn't know me but she knew of me and my children. If you OW want to be with the MM and are so confident he's in love with you and you give him all he needs, then why not just tell his wife. Why only come out in the dark like a cocaroach? It's bullshit from the MM if the excuse is his children, or he can't because of his finances or all the other bullshit reasons. You say stick to your decsision, sometimes will be bad, sometimes will be good, balh, balh...where is your selfrespect? Is it that you like living as the second string quarterback, waiting to be called to play the game? And your right, there are OW like you out there a dime a dozen who would take your place in a minute, but not another wife. So continue to live in your world of love and devoation, and the fantasy of being the good woman who he comes to for all his emotional needs and sexual pleasures. You are fooling yourself. You write a pretty positive letter, and honey if it makes you feel rightoues and feel good about being with a MM,great, you accomplished one thing, fooling yourself. Because no matter what I know you feel lonely and used and hurt when he isn't with you. You are young and his is 52, your just his eye candy, his desire to feel young and you make him feel the stud. Lets hear from you 2, 5, 10 years from now and you will be singing a different tune. You will be crying and lonely and hurt becasue you let a MM use the years you invested of your life to fulfill his needs. You will wake up and realize you cheated yourself. Because baby he had you and his wife, and you are despensible. I feel sorry for women like you and how foolish you are in believing that you are so special and so important, and your right you are until he gets bored and tired of it. What womb were you born from? You have no soul, no empathy, and God is a big part of it, I am sorry if my morals and values insult you. As a wife, I can lay blame on the husband and the OW...you are not just with a MM,you are with his wife and children. Tell me something....he has proven to you he is a cheater, a liar and you still praise him? Women like you are why men get away with infedility. You see, he knows you are there and waiting, it's you who stops living when he says when, where and how. Go ahead honey, give him everything he wants and needs, because his wife is too! I guess you believe everything you said and you also believe in the easter bunny too.....At least you are good at being the OW and letting him have it all....Wonder what you would say if your Mother told you your Father is cheating, oh, you'd give her the same advice you wrote here....Sadly you are in the dark and will always be in the dark.
Let me say one thing, when I talked to the whore who was with my husband for six years, she had pride, she said he supported her and loved her, gee, where is he now? And at the same time she told me she is alone....wonder why, it's been over25 years and she still has love for him. It only shows that she hurt,she cried, she is alone....he took 6 years of her life, he screwed her, told her what she wanted to hear... life gives you what you give to it, good or bad, you reap what you sow. OW out there hear this, there will always be a time in your lives, wether it be to be cheated on, health issues, family crisis, you get paid back for evil and good. No one in this world lives with getting away with anything they do.....so honey go ahead and be the great OW, enjoy it now, because later on you will lose, notjust your MM but your dignity, selfrespect, as in my other post, your MM is in love with seeing himself in your adoring eyes!!!!!!!!!!
((I had to post this in multiple posts because it was to long. Sorry. lol. Part One))
I'm "foolish and naive", yet I don’t need to make personal attacks to validated my argument. lol.
I'm a law student with a minor in physics and engineering. And I hope to go into patent law someday. I admit, I tend to look at things from a different perspective. I'm not condoning men who cheat on their wives. Or who lie. I'm saying if it happens then it's up to the parties involved to make the decision to stick it out or separate.
You made so many claims I'm going to break it down to better get a feel for your statement. Then deal with each claim individually.
"What do I know of marriage"
:I know marriage is a religious vow between two people that is recognized by the government. Yet, somehow, it is considered a separation of church and state - but I must admit that I still need to figure out that last part.
"Listen you are accommodating your MM, with all your nonsense of you expecting him to be faithful to you and his wife"
:I don't believe I ever said I expected him to be faithful to me or his wife. I believe I said, I would never want to tie down the man I love, because being with him part of the time far outweighs being with him none of the time. But that was a personal decision on my part. It doesn't work for everyone.
"If you love him why not be his number one, what are his reasons of not leaving his wife?"
:As I touched on, personally I would never want to tie him down that way. It makes me happy that he see's other people actually. Because when he IS with me, then I know he's with me because he wants to be there. Which is quite often. I see him just about every day. In my personal opinion, (and I know people will disagree but I hope at least one person stops and thinks about this) when you figuratively try to tie down your partner it comes across as an act of insecurity. Yes, I know you love them. And you want to be with them. So your first instinct is to put him in total lock down. That's insecurity. And desperation. It will cause tension. He's a grown man. If he wants to be there he will. A piece of paper isn't going to change that. If people relaxed more and was content with the fact that at the end of the day they know their partners will be home, then what does it matter if he has a good time with someone else? He's still coming home to you. To answer the second part of your question, he doesn't need to give me excuses. If he doesn't want to leave or can't, that is a good enough reason for me. ((as a side note. My partner actually has a separate apartment and splits his time between his house(wife), his apartment, and my house. But that's also situational and doesn't bare influence on the main topic. In our situation he's actually separated from his wife 3 or 4 times. Their marriage isn't out of love. He has a separate bedroom from his wife and everything. However, I'm focusing on the situations where the MM actually cares about his wife. If he cares. He will come home to you every night. To wrap up this question, trying to tie him down would only cause tension in our relationship. Not to mention it's not something I really want anyway. Sometimes I like my space too.
((Part Two))
"Explain to me why the OW never gives the reasons as to why they just don't tell the wife, that would be your solution to your problem, or is it that you OW are afraid that it's not you he'd choose?"
:In our case his wife knows. She barely tolerates me but she knows. lol. But why would the OW want to tell his wife? Does she really think that will make him stay with her. lol As the OW if you expect him to drop everything and run to you, you ARE very foolish. You need to seriously re-evaluate your needs in that relationship. However, if your with him to be with him part of the time then this question is pointless. If you don't "need" to be the only one what difference does it make if he stays with his wife. Do I "think" he wouldn't chose me? No, I know that is a very likely possibility. Again, which is why I stress it's so important to make that decision if he's worth sharing. If you are the OW and believe he will be only yours someday that's not very likely in my opinion. If you are the OW and are content to share your time with him then it goes back to telling his wife is a mute point. Why would it matter if he is still with her.
"where is your self respect? Is it that you like living as the second string quarterback, waiting to be called to play the game?"
:Frederick Douglass once said, [I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence]. Put simply I am who I am. I have my idealism as do you. The worst thing I could do is compromise my own self to appease others. I could care less what people think of me. I'm not waiting by the phone pacing back and forth desperately waiting for his phone call. lol I have my life. I do what I want. I go where I want. I make my own plans. If I'm not busy and he wants to catch a movie or dinner or just spend time cuddling while watching the TV great. If I'm busy or made plans and he wants to do something, well that's to bad. We see each other when it's convenient for both of us. And it's not like I have to be home in order for him to come over. He has a key, he can come and go as he pleases. I come home all the time to find him taking a nap, etc. It's what works for us. lol we wouldn't do it if it didn't make us happy.
"if it makes you feel righteous and feel good about being with a MM, great, you accomplished one thing, fooling yourself. Because no matter what I know you feel lonely and used and hurt when he isn't with you."
:It doesn't make me feel righteous. I didn't wake up one morning and go, [I think I will begin a relationship with a married man today!]. We were friends first and our relationship slowly got deeper. This is exactly what I'm saying... you don't know how things happen. There are multiple sides to every story. I'm not with him because he's married. I'm with him because he makes me happy. And no, you don't know me at all. Yes, I miss him sometimes. That's obvious because I care about him. But I'm not sad and lonely. As I said, I have a life besides worrying what he's doing every second of the day. As much as you think you have some kind of crystal ball that let's you see into the true nature of what makes us human you don't. No one does. We all tick differently. It's what makes us who we are.
((Part Three))
"You are young and his is 52, your just his eye candy, his desire to feel young and you make him feel the stud. Lets hear from you 2, 5, 10 years from now and you will be singing a different tune."
: lol I hope he feels good. I feel good being with him. I prefer older partners always have. So if he feels good being with me it would be a little hypocritical to condemn him for being happy. But my specific situation dealing with our age difference is just a fact. It bares no weight on the topic. That I'm the OW who is with a MM and who has HAD a relationship with him for 2 years and still very happy with the development of it. I hope to have 10+ more years happy with him. If it happens fantastic, if it doesn't then I will need to look at my needs and make sure our relationship is what I still want AND what he still wants. It's a two way street. Would I be upset if he left me tomorrow? Hell yes, I would be very upset. I would be sad and cry. For a very very long time. I care about him very deeply. Would it ruin my whole life? No, because in the end I would pick myself up and start over. I know because it's happened to me with someone else I cared very deeply for. I will never say I couldn't get hurt. But that's true for every relationship regardless. Look at the other stories here. Some of these people were married. They obviously got hurt very badly. A piece of metal on their finger didn't change that. This is the crucial part of what I'm saying. It doesn't matter who you are. Who your partner is. What he does. Who he's with or not with. IF you are happy with someone treasure it while you can. Be happy for every moment you share together. But don't rely on a piece of paper to be the source of your happiness. Don't be [with them because we're stuck together], be with them because you honestly cant imagine waking up and not being able to touch them. Our relationship doesn't define who I am. I'm not hear trying to promote guys to cheat or that women should go out with MM. I'm saying if it happens... the only one who can make the decision is the people involved. There are a lot of things to consider and it's not always as black and white as your making it appear.
((Part Four))
"What womb were you born from? You have no soul, no empathy, and God is a big part of it, I am sorry if my morals and values insult you."
:Nice attack by the way. Very mature. I was born from my mother's womb. She says it was an easy birth. But then again, I was her third child. C.S.Lewis made an awesome statement that has always remained with me, [What can you ever really know of other people's souls - of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands]. I love this quote because it touches upon something I believe very strongly. No one but I can know my journey in life. Who are you to say who I am and what I have. To judge me by some standards you think are universal laws. I'm 20 but I've seen enough and been though enough to know we are alone on this earth. And at the end of the day the only one I have to answer to is myself. Because I can get away from others. But being true to myself is what will make me sleep at night. If you consider that a lack of empathy I'm sorry. I feel for every single person who has been hurt. I honestly do, I just have an issue when people come on and point fingers when they have no clue as to what those people were going through at that very moment. As I said, nothing is as black and white as you'd like it to be. And just so you know, I went to catholic school for 9 years. I've read the bible. I have also read bits of the Koran(Qur'an), the Tripitaka, and some ancient pre-religious works such as shamanism etc. I have a strong background in religion because it fascinates me. I value religion greatly because to me its a guideline of how to live a just life. Do I believe everything literally word for word? No, but I do think every religion brings up valid points and should be reflected upon when making a decision about how to live your life. This isn't a religious debate. I'm not staying you're beliefs offended me. lol I'm saying it's not right to "doom" someone because they don't act in accordance with your idealism's.
"he has proven to you he is a cheater, a liar and you still praise him? Women like you are why men get away with infidelity"
:I don't "let" anyone get away with anything. They are who they are. And I'm not promoting cheating, as I think I mentioned above. I don't praise him for lying (in our case his wife knows) but I don't praise people who lie in general. However, I can understand why some guys do. If they went to their wife and said [Hey, I have needs that aren't being meet for whatever reason, I'm going out to find someone who pleases me, I'll be back for dinner.] it wouldn't go over to well for most. In our case when he left her, she made the decision that having him come home was worth loosening the ropes she had around him. I wish guys could be more honest and upfront about it. But I cant make that call, people have to do what they feel is right at the time. The only thing I can give is my opinion, which in a nutshell is to take each situation how it comes and make the best decision you can given the circumstances.
**As a side note: I don't believe in the Easter bunny**
((Part Five))
"Wonder what you would say if your Mother told you your Father is cheating, oh, you'd give her the same advice you wrote here...."
:Actually, my father never married my mom. Which I’m happy about because he’s a jerk to put it lightly. I don’t get along well with him. I never did and never will. She made the decision when I was 7 not to stick with him, the best decision she ever made, which I support completely. And yes, she’s been in the same situation on both sides of the coin. She has been cheated on and has done her share of cheating (my two brothers and I all have different fathers). Does it make me think less of her? Hell no, and yes I do give her the same advice. I want to see her happy. If that means she falls for the milk man or the married executive so be it. Our lives are way to short to condemn others for trying to find happiness any way they can.
“you get paid back for evil and good. No one in this world lives with getting away with anything they do”
:Who defines what evil and good are? In philosophy there is a concept called Eudemonia or “the good life.” Anyone who likes ethics or in insight into another way at looking at the world should really read some of Socrates‘, Aristotle’s, and Plato’s works. They are a little dry but very much worth it if you constantly like to question and re-discover your perception of the world. One of the concepts you will come across is this idea of Eudemonia. Even back in the early Greek time, before Christianity, before a lot of new age religions, people were still having this debate on “what is the good life?” This differs person to person and culture to culture. I do believe the universe has a sense of underlining karma. That everything balances out in the end. I can’t even begin to claim I know “the truth path” of how it works. I just have faith that in the end it does work out. When posed this question, [what is the good life?], I had to really think about it for a few days. The abridged version of the 10 page paper I wrote is this: [The good life is making the best decision you can at the time, in a way, that the outcome of that decision is morally just by one’s own idealisms, and that your decision was made out of good intentions for positive reasons to bring happiness.] Meaning, if you fell in love with someone. That’s a positive circumstance in of itself. You couldn’t help it, you just sought someone who makes you happy. In this situation, if you didn’t actively search (I’m going to wake up and fall in love with a married man today!) for a relationship that could hurt someone else then it isn’t an evil act. You aren’t a “whore” or a doomed person. You were a simple human standing in line at the supermarket when someone else’s cart bumped into yours. You’re just someone who is doing the best you can to happily live your life. Don’t condemn someone without walking in their footprints.
All I can say is "a cheater will always be a cheater" thats what I believe the very reason why I drove my first husband away..I was victimized by a chronic womanizer and it took me 5years to let go of him, we had 5 kids.But I wasn't like the pitiful,clingy wives type mentioned above I was working the whole time mybe thats why I'm kinda strong in a way.I don't wanna judge anyone be it the "whore mistress" or the "pitiful wife". Men should be the one answerable to all this matter since they are the ones who started an illicit affair after all.
Correction please..sorry, we only had 2 kids..
Look, bottom line is, you OW are a fault for your hurting, owe it. Yes it is the man's fault, but please, if you know he's married then the ball in your court. Say no....so as I see it you are in control of the situation, just by getting the hell away from him...I am so glad for this website, because the wife, can see just what morons you OW are. OW please don't say the MM isn't getting their need met, emotionally, physically or anything else from their wives. It's just a screw with you, and you fulfill that by giving in to anything he wants, and get nothing in return by him. Open your eyes OW, stop crying, waiting, hoping, by the years of your lives. Don't hang on and try to justify what you think is his love,want to beleive is his love, when it's all lust. Get over it and move on.....
I have been having an affair with an old flame that I knew back in High School. He lives 3 hours away and has been married for 3 years. His marriage is rocky because he and his wife cannot have kids. They spent thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant and realized that she is unable to conceive. Having a child is so important to him and he has brought it up since we first were reunited. We continue to discuss this topic. I feel like I am getting myself into something crazy but love him dearly. This entire situation goes against everything that I know is right. I was married once and my X cheated on me. Never imagined that I would get involved with another man and be "the other woman".
Dont do it cmyaffair, leave now!!! After almost 30 years of marriage, I left my husband because he cheated on me, he was in crisis, couldn't decide who he wanted, wanted both of us - heaven forbid I felt sorry for his mid life crisis and this crisis lasted for 5 years, backwards and forwards. A year or so before I finally left him, I contacted a man I'd been mad about before I got married, why I dont know, unsolved issues, never understood why it ended, thought he hadn't thought that much of me, only to find out he'd been very much in love with me, always thinking about me for the past 3 decades. WOW!!! I can't remember ever being so happy, he was/is gorgeous, sweet, real, funny, kind etc etc etc and married. So I went from being the pathetic wife to the much adored mistress, oh it didn't happen straight away, I'm a little on the shy side, but eventually the first kiss had to happen and it was magical, I will never forget it, life became exciting, joyous, and I loved him more deeply than I'd ever loved my husband in all those years. He told me he loved me more than his wife, that I meant so much more to him than she ever had, that one day we'd be together when his kids were a little older , I couldn't believe that anyone could have loved me more than he did, that any two people could have loved each other more than we did. I know that I will never find that again, I'm 51 years old, not a child, and I know what I feel BUT and there it is the "BUT", its been 3 years now and he's decided that he'll never be able to leave his wife, he doesn't love her as much as me, or so he says, but you know, she is his wife, the mother of his children and she doesn't want the marriage to end. So...... now I'm expected to accept this, he is so very sorry, not the way he wanted it to be either. ALL my dreams gone. I have not stopped crying. I haven't been able to accept this. I have wanted to tell his wife just what he's been up to. BUT today, finally I realised, I'm better than that, more than he deserves. I've wasted 3 years of my life, waiting, hiding, being happy with crumbs. I dont believe that I will ever love anyone again, sadness is the only emotion I feel, but after having read these posts, I know now that I was always setting myself up for a fall. As a wife I loathed the other woman who I blamed for my marriage breakdown, the damage done to my children, the friendships divided, the grandparents destroyed and so it goes on. I will always hate her, but here it is .... my husband didn't leave me for her, I left when I could see no more hope .... and my new love will not leave his wife for me .... they just dont do it. If he is the one you truly want to be with, leave him NOW, tell him how much you love him, want his children .... but leave him now .... and he if he should leave his wife and follow you, no-one would be more happy for the two of you than I. BUT DONT DONT DONT stay in this relationship the way it is. Its the most sure fire way I know to self destruct, and because you keep hoping and hoping and hoping and falling more and more in love, and settling for less and less, and making just as many excuses as the MM, and never wanting to fight, always trying to make sure his time is better with you than it could be at home, somehow, you just dont see what you have done to yourself until its too late. My new love and I never fought, it was heaven, his not being able to leave his wife has come as a total shock to me! BUT it shouldn't have, I've been the wife and the other woman, so have you, we of all people should realise that its the cheating MM that is the one that has to make the changes and most of all the decisions about which relationship they are going to be in, and until we make these spoilt, egotistical little boys realise that relationships cant endure without honesty and respect as well as love , they will go on breaking our hearts forever, whenever a better option comes along. Good luck....
thank you Im running from the married lying sob fast as I can
Fantastic site and could really use some advice myself. I have my own story which I thought was different but maybe not that much in the end. I was in a relationship of about 9 years that was not going well at all when my boss (married plus kids) made a move on me. I had not seen it coming at all, even told my boyfriend about it. Really did not want it, even though I had felt some sort of connection from when we first met but well he is married and also over 20 years older. But MM kept pursuing me and very very slowly we became closer. I was intrigued, I am not proud to admit, long time since I got attention having lived abroad and kind of trapped in my relation with BF. We were friends first, some hugs, first kiss maybe after almost a year. He gave me a lot of warmth that I had not experienced in a long time. I’d had a bad sexual experience at 19 that I had not dealt with very well and was really not much into kissing or sex because I just did not enjoy it and sex would hurt (major reason why my relationship with boyfriend was not going well). Anyways, MM took all the time, never pushed me, always gentle but always moving forward. And I felt I was becoming more ‘normal’ over time. We spoke of our ‘interaction’ and of it being like mutual therapy (he has his own issues when it comes to sex). After about one and a half year I broke off with my boyfriend. A mutual decision and not really related to this affair although it may have made it happen faster. In any case it was a good decision for both of us. Mean while I am getting more and more involved with MM. It was genuinely therapeutic and for about a year from the breakup with BF I did not need more (like a full relationship) but now I kinda feel healed in many ways. I am over the sadness of the break up with my BF of 9 years and ready for a new full relationship. And I feel more normal sexually, really enjoy kissing and am much more relaxed. I do get a lot of attention from single men but I feel very close to MM and obviously I do not have that kind of bond with any of the new guys I meet. Am very close to stop the affair but need some encouragement I guess and also advice how to go about it. These past 2 or so years were not wasted time, they were genuinely therapeutic so I am grateful for that. At the same time, I now find it so hard when he leaves and I feel angry and sad and used. The situation has completely changed for me but not for him really (he is married, kids just left home, says he is in an unhappy and sexless marriage which I believed but not so sure about that after reading this site but maybe that does not matter any way). And he is of course still my boss so I will see him at work as neither of us is likely to give up our jobs. I know I need to stop this affair because it is also now that I feel guilty about what I am doing to his wife (she does not know and I somehow never saw myself as a threat to their marriage, and I guess I am not but he did spend a lot of energy in our affair that he’d probably better spend with his family). Was to busy with myself I guess, seeing the therapeutic advantages especially and I am grateful for that to him, so that makes it difficult that I somehow feel I owe him, but then again I know I don’t. But how to go from here? Please help me, advice is welcome.
My husband took off with someone he met on-line. She knew we were married. There really was not anything wrong in our relationship-and he says that. He says it is "god's will," and that they were together in a past life so they need to be together now to fulfill his spiritual journey. He said he loved me but "this is what I want right now and I am going to do it." I think he has flipped and would like opinions. I did file for divorce. We come from a very strong family and extended family. All family on both sides are upset with him as are our friends. Our children (college age and just graduated) are extremely upset. What do the readers think?
Give her a break... she is a human being, she fall for it, everybody does, she isnot exception.
Been there.... He is handsome, cute, funny, pays attention to you, flirts with you, makes you special but please, please, please don't do it, you are already in deep s.... but not end of the world. You deserve man that is yours and only yours,and most importantly they don't leave their spouses, and they shouldn't, They took an oath and have to have guts to stick with it. Also if you even marry him, one of these days you are going to become wife and somebody else will be the other woman, trust me. You are not special, no one is... so find a good man,who will love you and only you. Everybody deserves love.
Give her a break... she is a human being, she fall for it, everybody does, she isnot exception.
Been there.... He is handsome, cute, funny, pays attention to you, flirts with you, makes you special but please, please, please don't do it, you are already in deep s.... but not end of the world. You deserve man that is yours and only yours,and most importantly they don't leave their spouses, and they shouldn't, They took an oath and have to have guts to stick with it. Also if you even marry him, one of these days you are going to become wife and somebody else will be the other woman, trust me. You are not special, no one is... so find a good man,who will love you and only you. Everybody deserves love.
Give her a break... she is a human being, she fall for it, everybody does, she isnot exception.
Been there.... He is handsome, cute, funny, pays attention to you, flirts with you, makes you special but please, please, please don't do it, you are already in deep s.... but not end of the world. You deserve man that is yours and only yours,and most importantly they don't leave their spouses, and they shouldn't, They took an oath and have to have guts to stick with it. Also if you even marry him, one of these days you are going to become wife and somebody else will be the other woman, trust me. You are not special, no one is... so find a good man,who will love you and only you. Everybody deserves love.
I was dating a man. He broke it off. Later I found out he was married. HE NEVER TOLD ME. I feel so horrible for his wife. I would have NEVER EVER got involved with him if he was married. In fact, he insisted he wasn't.
So, when I talked to his wife, she was very understanding...saying she had nothing against me...as her husband was the problem.
It's hard not to feel guilty. In the end, I didn't get into it knowingly and I know I'll thrive.
I was dating a man. He broke it off. Later I found out he was married. HE NEVER TOLD ME. I feel so horrible for his wife. I would have NEVER EVER got involved with him if he was married. In fact, he insisted he wasn't.
So, when I talked to his wife, she was very understanding...saying she had nothing against me...as her husband was the problem.
It's hard not to feel guilty. In the end, I didn't get into it knowingly and I know I'll thrive.
Please don't think all of us other women are bad. I didn't know. He lied to me as well as his wife.
Please don't think all of us other women are bad. I didn't know. He lied to me as well as his wife.
i got involved with a leader from church. almost a year before mrs found out. now me & her are battling each other in court she is lying on me. telling everyone in the church. i didn't mean for it to get this far. i have apologized to her and said i would never see or talk to him again. i just want it to be over.
i felt that if i was the nice one. the one who was good to him...he would be just as good to me in return. making me feel as if life at home is so horrible and he is miserable. Where are the men that really do leave for another women and what's happened with their relationship?
Hey guys, I was just really depressed today so i decided to read up on "affairs with married men"
My situation isnt a whole lot diffrent than any of urs. Ive been with my MM for 8 months now and we are hopelessly in love with eachother. Ive been married for 3yrs now and hes been married for 4 and has a 2yr old kid with his wife. i really need an honest opinion on wat to do. My life is becoming miserable day by day... He does everything he can to make me happy and be here for me when i need him. We are both willing to leave our partners for eachother because we are just too perfect together to let go :( I feel horrible for his wife because of what shes going thru with him..his lies, his betrayal...and i feel soooo guilty for doing this to my husband because hes an awesome guy, honest, caring BUT we don't connect. we dont want the same things in life, not the same things make us happy..we just think very very differently. When i met him, it seemed things were hitting off well..but now it seems like were growing apart and thats the reason i was so unhappy. and starting looking outt i guess. Same goes for my MM, he wanted to make things better with his wife, so they had a kid, thinking it would bring them closer to each other..but it only made things worse...and he started looking out too. His wife isnt a bad woman either..she has everything a man wants...but i dont see why hes so into me and not making an effort anymore towards her. I am so confused. he says there is no connection between them..she doesnt understand him..and "thinks" that she loves him, but doesnt. I dont know what to do...I am just sooo obsessed with him, i can do anything for him..and i think this will completely destroy me and my life...He did tell me he's willing to leave his wife and child..but is having a very hard time. He says i wouldnt understand because i dont have a child of my own. He wasnt being rude or anything, just trying to explain to be how difficult it is for him to choose between me and his daughter. Also he doesnt just want to tell his wife and parents about me, because he feels they will never accept me this way and will hate me for the rest of their lives. Says "i wont be able to live with that" So....i dont really know what to make of all of this...i cant even imagine a DAY without him guys...he means everything to me, i see a happy future with him.. but i feel sad because i am it will be such a mess ..so many lives ruined, so many heartaches...and who knows, what if we end up in this situation after we got together? what if this excitement goes away the minute we realise we have each other?? what do i do?? One thing I can say for SURE though, this guy REALY loves me. There have been sooo many times that we fought and ive said the WORST things to him, and yet he still tells me he loves me..there have been times it was impossible for him to come and see me, yet he did…..there have been times when I told him he was using me..and he promised me he would never touch me again, until we’re married…….so I don’t doubt his love even for a second. What I am confused about is, whether all this mess of leaving our families and friends will be worth it??
We became friends through work then one day while having coffee we decided that we should become friends with benefits. He lives with his girlfriend, no marriage, no babies, I am divorced many years.
Over time I came to love him and told him so. We never discussed his girlfriend, and only sometimes were there comments about their constant arguing.
After 1 1/2 years anonymous sent a letter to her work, I never got to read it but it was about our relationship. He went away with her to work it out and told me our affair was over until his relationship with her ended. We are still in contact for work and we still flirt.
I want him still.
We became friends through work then one day while having coffee we decided that we should become friends with benefits. He lives with his girlfriend, no marriage, no babies, I am divorced many years.
Over time I came to love him and told him so. We never discussed his girlfriend, and only sometimes were there comments about their constant arguing.
After 1 1/2 years anonymous sent a letter to her work, I never got to read it but it was about our relationship. He went away with her to work it out and told me our affair was over until his relationship with her ended. We are still in contact for work and we still flirt.
I want him still.
We became friends through work then one day while having coffee we decided that we should become friends with benefits. He lives with his girlfriend, no marriage, no babies, I am divorced many years.
Over time I came to love him and told him so. We never discussed his girlfriend, and only sometimes were there comments about their constant arguing.
After 1 1/2 years anonymous sent a letter to her work, I never got to read it but it was about our relationship. He went away with her to work it out and told me our affair was over until his relationship with her ended. We are still in contact for work and we still flirt.
I want him still.
Thanks Veronica for starting this hub. I read this whenever I feel I can't go on anymore.
He was my first and last. I never wanted a boyfriend but my family kept telling to find one. The moment I opened my heart, I got cheated.
He was the first man i let into my life. I didn't know he was married in the beginning. Then he told me he has a family and he loves them and me. We broke up many times and each time he felt like jumping to his death. We got back again with what i thought was a more mature love. 11 years with him and the last 6 years we were apart because of work and saw each other once or twice a year. He was often depressed and we talked a lot and I never stopped asking him to go back to his wife, to try to talk with her like he talked to me. Gradually communications got less. I was sad but thought he was going back to his family so I also kept quiet unless he called and return calls when he was depressed because of difficulties at work until 5 months ago, he texted me that he has fallen for another woman who is very brilliant and confident. He asked me to stop calling him because he wants to divorce and marry her. I congratulated him and threw away the ring he gave me 11 years ago. Then the months following were miserable as his new love called me, told me the series of affairs he had. She left him and he used me to get her back and lying to me all the time. I was confused. Both he and her called me several times all the while using me to get back together. He told me to trust him that he loves me and he is trying to keep her at peace and leave her. I threw the letters he wrote me in our first 5 years. I returned his thesis-the culprit that got us together-and other stuff that he gave me in the past and changed my number. I am completely shattered. I have loved and can't unlove. Everything reminds me of our past and I wonder how I can get on with life. I live everyday like with an open wound. In my weakness, I wrote to him asking him to give me a closure, to tell me the truth but he kept silent. I worry about what might happen to him.
I'm happy to find this hub with postings that keep telling me that he is a serial cheater. Nothing will happen to him and he doesn't love me. I'll never trust man again. People change and I'm sure I'll get cheated and disappointed again.
Any man who reads this hub, please tell your 'brothers' to not do this to women. There are women who really don't wish to be in such a story too and love is such a darn thing that enslaves logic. If I can choose again, I'll never listen to people's advise to open my heart to fall in love. Fear of falling in love was like my natural instinct! I was right about man. Now I'll never be whole again. Would blood on their hands make them stop hurting women? Stop their excuses. They will go on and on and on. There's always reason for their lies.
Thanks Veronica for starting this hub. I read this whenever I feel I can't go on anymore.
He was my first and last. I never wanted a boyfriend but my family kept telling to find one. The moment I opened my heart, I got cheated.
He was the first man i let into my life. I didn't know he was married in the beginning. Then he told me he has a family and he loves them and me. We broke up many times and each time he felt like jumping to his death. We got back again with what i thought was a more mature love. 11 years with him and the last 6 years we were apart because of work and saw each other once or twice a year. He was often depressed and we talked a lot and I never stopped asking him to go back to his wife, to try to talk with her like he talked to me. Gradually communications got less. I was sad but thought he was going back to his family so I also kept quiet unless he called and return calls when he was depressed because of difficulties at work until 5 months ago, he texted me that he has fallen for another woman who is very brilliant and confident. He asked me to stop calling him because he wants to divorce and marry her. I congratulated him and threw away the ring he gave me 11 years ago. Then the months following were miserable as his new love called me, told me the series of affairs he had. She left him and he used me to get her back and lying to me all the time. I was confused. Both he and her called me several times all the while using me to get back together. He told me to trust him that he loves me and he is trying to keep her at peace and leave her. I threw the letters he wrote me in our first 5 years. I returned his thesis-the culprit that got us together-and other stuff that he gave me in the past and changed my number. I am completely shattered. I have loved and can't unlove. Everything reminds me of our past and I wonder how I can get on with life. I live everyday like with an open wound. In my weakness, I wrote to him asking him to give me a closure, to tell me the truth but he kept silent. I worry about what might happen to him.
I'm happy to find this hub with postings that keep telling me that he is a serial cheater. Nothing will happen to him and he doesn't love me. I'll never trust man again. People change and I'm sure I'll get cheated and disappointed again.
Any man who reads this hub, please tell your 'brothers' to not do this to women. There are women who really don't wish to be in such a story too and love is such a darn thing that enslaves logic. If I can choose again, I'll never listen to people's advise to open my heart to fall in love. Fear of falling in love was like my natural instinct! I was right about man. Now I'll never be whole again. Would blood on their hands make them stop hurting women? Stop their excuses. They will go on and on and on. There's always reason for their lies.
Missy, please stop! Are you really that insecure. Come on, he doesn't love you. And sure he will never leave his wife, the number on excuse for a married man not to leave his wife, his children.....you are wasting your time, but you know what you deserve to...he's married and does love his wife. You have said terrible things to him, h-e-l-l-o,he's still getting the sex from you! He is in lust with you and he will forgive you for anything.
MM doesn't want a commitment with you, he has one. He has two women, the booty call, the ego booster, the caring adoring woman who is there for HIM, YOU! T
Missy,
The only thing you "deserve" is to be happy. Please follow your heart. If he's worth it follow your heart till the end, whatever that may be, for happiness is rare. Relax and enjoy the ride. Try not to worry or stress about it. If it's meant to be it will be.
Good luck and happy holidays to you both!
Iam really much in love with a amarried guy whom i would really have wished to forget about coz for me it sems its not right. at the same time the married man is having other affairs outside which is so dangerous to all of us.
Lonely:
Affair with a married man? Nobody can understand how the feeling is but just yourself-the person who is in this situation. I believe those ppl who ask for adviece or help here truly give their love, or they dont need to bother wasting time here. Please don't criticise them as stupid ass.
It is not your fault to fall in love with a married,but it will be your fault if you ask him to divorce to break his families. it is not just him but also his wife and kids. If he loves you more than his wife, he will take the initiative to divorce without you pushing him. But if he does not want to divorce and at the same time he keep telling you he loves you, no matter he tells you truth or not, just try to leave him .i know it will be a miserable thing to do ,but continue this relationship will be same miserable as breaking it up.
I fall in love with a married man one year ago. I didn't know he loves his wife so much at the beginning.he told me he was too old to restart everything. but later then I found out he cares and loves his wife very much.not like what he told me too old to restart it. I tried to break up,but every time when we got back online,i would be talked back to him again. I worried about him whenever he told me bad things happened to him. but then i thought he knows i loves him to death.he knows i care about him.so he just keep using my empathy to keep me as an appetizer and his wife as a good meal. he told me his heart belongs to two women,me and his wife.if any of us break it,he will be done. I feel what he said is funny. his heart ever belongs to me?no,absolutely not. i have to wait till he comfort his wife and make sure she is 100% ok then he will give me some time. I love him with my life, but I'm tired of being secondary to his wife, tired of being disappointed.I stop open my mind to him. I deleted all his pics. I no longer take initiative to text him. I don't come online chat with him every night. I start doing something else to keep myself busy. keep my mind occupied. Time will help.it will help us forget the misery. I don't blame him not loving me as much as he loves his wife. we are adults. when we decided to start this,we were supposed to know there is rare happy ending. When time is for ending,just say good bye and never look at back,never walk back. You will get used to the life without him some day.
While I was getting my nails done at 1101 Corporate Dr Ste A5, Ladera Ranch, I overheard an interesting news. One of the worker, Mrs.T...., in her 30 with short hair, is having an affair with her boss. An Asian man in his 50 who is also married. He goes to the shop everyday. He would wait for her get to work and have brunch together because she make him food. If you are a customer there you would have seen him hovering around in and outside the place. I seen them stand outside of the shop flirting, but also at night too. I wonder what they are doing outside the shop at night, I can really see because it was dark, hope nothing inappropriate. The sad thing is Mrs. T....'s husband sometime picks her up but he has no clue of what is going on.
Hi Im in a relationship with a married men for almost 5years now going on 5 years in the begininng when i first met him was at work we both work at the airport when i first saw him he was love at first sight same way he feels about me we started talking for a awhile......i never know he was married he never told me anything days n months go by we fell in love together bout 4 months later we start having sex.......i deeply fell in love with him i couldnt stop thinking about him day n night he would call n text me like everyday we'll see each other at work all the time we kiss n have sex alot after work before he goes home.5 month later i found out that he was married....i was crushed i was hurt bad i didnt know what to do i was so lost didnt know how i feel i didnt want to see him or talk to him anymore after what i found out that he was a married man he was expexcting twin girls his wife was pregant the whole time he was messing with me i have no idea that he was cheating on his wife....i felt like shit i wanted to kill him i ignore him for a very long time he kept calling me wanted to be with me he tells me He loves me i dont love my wife we're not together anymore but she was still living with him he would sit ther n lie to me all the time bout a year he told me his wife move out there were separated 3 months after he told me to move in with him so i did he actually left his wife to be with me he told me there was no love they have nothing in common he was always miserable with her n then when he finally met me he knew i was the one for him but sometimes i feel like i wanted to leave but i cant i deeply fell in love with him that i cant leave him n now couple of months before i got pregant now we have 2 kids.......but with his previous marriage he has twin girls from his ex or his wife i dont know i ask him if he divorce her n he said yes he did sometimes we get mailed from the mail box n his ex name is on it with his lastname n its been what 3 years they been separated i mean i dont know how long does it take to filled a divorce papers sometimes i think hes lying that there still married but there separated now we're living together sometimes he goes n visit his kids n spends the weekends with them i feel like something is going on when he goes to visit his kids that he might be doing sometehing behind my back or who knows everytime he texts mes her like back n fourth i would look at his phone bill he text her like all the time how would i know that hes not over her? sometimes i feel like killing him makes me angry when i confronted him he gets mad he start calling me names he gets so mad when i ask him he jus lie to me all the time i would go through ghis phone n read all his text meassage.........he lies n he cheats so much i want to leave him but i cant i dont know why?
To Angry Wife,
you let yourself get pushed around and stepped on. You let yourself get "left" with nothing. That's why you get your ass into a job so if something happens to either one of you, you can support your family. You have to take partial responsibility too. There were probably things YOU did and HE did, it's NEVER one or the other, and if it is, it's rare. Instead of bashing the "other woman" get yourself together and fix your damn family, don't sit here and call another woman a whore and wish that the same thing would happen to her. You need to focus on your damn children, and set a good example for them. Who'd want a mom who bitches and complains and hold anger for a man who left her?
And who are you to call someone a piece of trash? Things happen. I'm sorry that something like this has happened to you, honestly it sucks, but get your self together woman and keep pushing forward.
Or, just don't get married at all.
I don't know if a married guy's point of view would be helpful or not. Some of the womens points of view have been helpful to me.
I had an affair for 5 years with another married woman. We met online in a 'decent' chat room, it turned out we lived 2 miles from each other, had similar family backgrounds, connected well with each, similar age, even had 3 boys each, etc. As it turned out we were both painfully lonely in our marriages and had now found many of the things that each other was looking for. It seemed like magic, that we had both found "THE ONE". It also turned out that the lack of sexual attention in our marriages was more than made up for in our affair. The sex part became dangerous and addictive, we seemed to be rushing to make up for lost time, etc. and forgot about the rest of the world in the process.
It ended about 2 years ago because neither of us were willing to hand our kids the grief that would result from both divorcing and marrying each other. How Noble after 5 years of lying to our families...:S Both of us were angry enough at our spouses to feel no guilt, but it finally became obvious that selfishness had taken over. We did love each other, but we hurt many others around us in the process (even though the families never found out, we had emotionally dropped them).
The point is, even with both parties married, and the sense of mutual companionship and mutual love, it didn't work. Terrible jealousy soon showed itself on both sides, the children and some friends on both sides suffered from our selfish distraction and dishonesty. The strong positive emotions and behaviours were real...and so were the strong negative emotions and behaviours which soon followed.
For what it's worth coming from a cheater, never rely on one person for the source of your personal happiness. Despite what some of you women have experienced, there are some single, honest men who can add to your happiness which by all means if you find one, great!, but it is NOT the end of the world if you don't find one, rely on yourself and the relationships you KNOW are right and honest for your basic happiness. Ignore the media and peer pressure that says you MUST have a boyfriend or husband.
And above all, if you do decide to marry, don't be lazy and reckless about who you marry, like I was. There's a steep price to pay when you marry the wrong person and also when you try to escape by cheating with another married person.
I don't know if a married guy's point of view would be helpful or not. Some of the womens points of view have been helpful to me.
I had an affair for 5 years with another married woman. We met online in a 'decent' chat room, it turned out we lived 2 miles from each other, had similar family backgrounds, connected well with each, similar age, even had 3 boys each, etc. As it turned out we were both painfully lonely in our marriages and had now found many of the things that each other was looking for. It seemed like magic, that we had both found "THE ONE". It also turned out that the lack of sexual attention in our marriages was more than made up for in our affair. The sex part became dangerous and addictive, we seemed to be rushing to make up for lost time, etc. and forgot about the rest of the world in the process.
It ended about 2 years ago because neither of us were willing to hand our kids the grief that would result from both divorcing and marrying each other. How Noble after 5 years of lying to our families...:S Both of us were angry enough at our spouses to feel no guilt, but it finally became obvious that selfishness had taken over. We did love each other, but we hurt many others around us in the process (even though the families never found out, we had emotionally dropped them).
The point is, even with both parties married, and the sense of mutual companionship and mutual love, it didn't work. Terrible jealousy soon showed itself on both sides, the children and some friends on both sides suffered from our selfish distraction and dishonesty. The strong positive emotions and behaviours were real...and so were the strong negative emotions and behaviours which soon followed.
For what it's worth coming from a cheater, never rely on one person for the source of your personal happiness. Despite what some of you women have experienced, there are some single, honest men who can add to your happiness which by all means if you find one, great!, but it is NOT the end of the world if you don't find one, rely on yourself and the relationships you KNOW are right and honest for your basic happiness. Ignore the media and peer pressure that says you MUST have a boyfriend or husband.
And above all, if you do decide to marry, don't be lazy and reckless about who you marry, like I was. There's a steep price to pay when you marry the wrong person and also when you try to escape by cheating with another married person.
to the male perspective:
You were a coward! If the love was so strong, why didn't you just leave your wife....how could you sleep with the ow and then put your hands on your wife, who is an innocent party to you dirty affair. Emotionally detached from you family, how could you even look at your children....mm are just cowards and dirty. I am sorry that your wife never knew because after all she could of made the choice of staying with you and her herself finding a real man! So you decide to cheat you wife of happiness and live with a liar and a cheater. As for the ow woman, please give me a break,you really beleive that the sex and the cartering to would of lasted if you stayed with her, dude she would of starting being a wife and then again you would go looking for the same high you got from her....I am so tired of hearing the bull of the lack of sex, was the cause of you decision to screw around. Be a Man, if you don't love your wife, what the hell good are you to her. I feel sorry for her because I am sure that she has been there for all of your needs....like taking care of your home, your kids, cooking and washing your clothes.. dealing with the ups and downs of real life. To me you need to open your eyes and either shit or get off the pot. You wife deserves so much better that a coward like you. Isn't always the excuse of the mm to bring his children into this, "I couldn't hurt my kids", well buddy you did, you cheated them too! Remember you became emotionally unattached to your family, tell your children that one, I feel no empathy for your kind of man...excuses is what all you mm married use to make your lying cheating ways okay. In the end you will be the one who will lose, one way or another. Life will pay you pay in one form or another. And then you will realize what you missed out on with your wife and your children the 5 years you decided to be a Cheater! So if your mistress was the "ONE", then have the balls to leave your wife, you had the balls to cheat on her.....no your a Coward of the worse kind.
to the male perspective:
You were a coward! If the love was so strong, why didn't you just leave your wife....how could you sleep with the ow and then put your hands on your wife, who is an innocent party to you dirty affair. Emotionally detached from you family, how could you even look at your children....mm are just cowards and dirty. I am sorry that your wife never knew because after all she could of made the choice of staying with you and her herself finding a real man! So you decide to cheat you wife of happiness and live with a liar and a cheater. As for the ow woman, please give me a break,you really beleive that the sex and the cartering to would of lasted if you stayed with her, dude she would of starting being a wife and then again you would go looking for the same high you got from her....I am so tired of hearing the bull of the lack of sex, was the cause of you decision to screw around. Be a Man, if you don't love your wife, what the hell good are you to her. I feel sorry for her because I am sure that she has been there for all of your needs....like taking care of your home, your kids, cooking and washing your clothes.. dealing with the ups and downs of real life. To me you need to open your eyes and either shit or get off the pot. You wife deserves so much better that a coward like you. Isn't always the excuse of the mm to bring his children into this, "I couldn't hurt my kids", well buddy you did, you cheated them too! Remember you became emotionally unattached to your family, tell your children that one, I feel no empathy for your kind of man...excuses is what all you mm married use to make your lying cheating ways okay. In the end you will be the one who will lose, one way or another. Life will pay you pay in one form or another. And then you will realize what you missed out on with your wife and your children the 5 years you decided to be a Cheater! So if your mistress was the "ONE", then have the balls to leave your wife, you had the balls to cheat on her.....no your a Coward of the worse kind.
to nieun13, What the hell did you expect. Now your sitting at home wondering what he doing with his wife/xwife, you don't even know which, so how does it feel? You have his kids, you are living with him,hes texting her, getting angry at you. PLEASE! Pay back is a Bitch. So now his wife is the OW......I have no empathy for you because what you are going through his WIFE, went through because of him cheating with you, where was you empathy for her and her kids.....Now your looking for answers of what he's doing. Like a wife would, wondering and hurting, like his wife....Good Job, now it's your turn and his wife is loving every minute of it....She's getting the best of him and you got stuck with the worst of him. Oh well, just goes to show you that what started out to you as love, was just a diffrent screw to him, and now he's wanting what he had in the beginning. You see MM usually realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I guess your grass died......
Hi,
I was dating this man for 6 months and he was
"so called" in the divorce process, and his divorce was due to finalize that summer. He had been separated for 2 years and not living with his life during that time. I left him because of conflicts we were having and that he was married and still he could not prove to me whether or not this divorce was in process. It has been 5months since I last spoke to him or seen him and out of the blue he has been calling and texting me. I finally answered my phone after numerouse phone calls. He had appologized for his ways and missed me, I told him we can only be friends. His calls became more frequent and daily for that matter. I finally agreed to meet up with him for a movie, he told me that they stopped the divorce process, and they are on talking terms but nothing is finalized, but he does not want to be with his wife. After I had told him we counldn't be anything more than friends, he has still persisted to be in my life. We recently had sex, cause I was naiive enough to beleive that he was just coming over my house to talk and nothing else. After that happened I changed our title and I told him that we could not be friends or even ever see each other again. He continues to call, text and pursue this. I have even been harsh with him and still he continues to tell me that he wants and loves me and wants to be with me.
Where should I go from here? I started on a search for his wife's phone number to maybe talk to her and let her know what has been going on. But I don't want her to think I am a stank because I slept with her husband. It was not my intentions to sleep with him. Should I try to contact the wife? or what should I do from here. He is just not getting the point.
to he just doesn't get it:
FINALLY!!!, a woman with some sort of morals. I would do my best to try and contact his wife. Listen I am a wife who was cheated on for 6 years of my marriage. And as the wife, I would have respected the OW if she would of called me and told me my husband and her were having an affair. It would of gave me the option of staying or leaving. Instead, she continued the affair and while I was pregaunt with my second child, she knew he was married, because they worked together....they were cowards, him most of all. But call his wife, she will respect you more and realize that you at least had the morals to try to stop the affair before it went for years, and that he is the one after you. The both of you, (the OW and the wife) should set him up and meet him and confront him, then you and his wife will really know the truth about what he is saying to you and to her. As of this date I wish the whore, would of called me, because to be honest, I still feel the fool today, and I could made choices too. It's be over 25 years, at least give his wife her right as the wife to decide her future. In the end you may be the winner, if he's worth it, in my opinnion he's a scum bag....
To He Just Doesn't Get It (great nickname BTW): If I were you, I would do a bit of in-depth self-examination as to your true motives for contacting his wife. Chances are she knows he's a loser/cheater anyway. Better to ignore him - change your mobile number (or block his calls). Ditto his emails. He will get the message when his emails are bounced back to him.
I wrote my story almost a couple of years ago (I am a wife who's husband had an affair for years) and kept up on the posts on this hub as for some reason it kind of helped me reading the things people said, whether they were the wives, the OW's, the men...then I drifted away as things were changing in our lives and seeming to go somewhat forward but not really healed as to be honest my husband doesn't want to make the changes and commitments that would require. I think mostly because it would hurt and he would have to admit to himself that somehow he is not the victim in this horrible drama, but the actual villain and that he has done a lot of wrong. But I can answer an OW that asks why does the wife stay if she knows? Well, I stayed because I had a lot invested. Kids, years together, families intertwined, we are intertwined. I've known my husband for the majority of my adult years. We did separate for almost a year and he did see the OW during that year but I was busy taking care of our kids mostly on my own and I was pregnant with our third child, life and job that I didn't see that. He's always been good at lying and hiding things. But we reconciled. Was it perfect? No, and I knew that but you tell yourself, it's best for the kids, it's best for all of us, things can be different. And I do truly believe they can if both of you choose to make the commitment necessary to rebuild a marriage. But notice I say BOTH of you. Well, in my case (and I am not perfect and will be the first to tell you this...) my husband doesn't really want to make that commitment. I think the old saying "he'd like to have his cake and eat it too" applies very well in my husband's case. And this doesn't just mean about the OW and the other OW's that were around that I am not sure she knew about? And if she did, well, she had less self esteem than I think she had. My husband just wants most things to be his way and the sad fact of life is that rarely does it work out that way so he walks around angry and bitter and blaming the world on a regular basis. Which is ironic because he's an atractive man, he's intelligent and he's funny. He has good intentions on a regular enough basis but those intentions don't tend to come to fruition mostly because I think it would take more stregnth than what he has...but I am really digressing...I think most of the times the MM's stayed married. They are good at lying. They lie to the wives, they lie to the OW's and they lie to themselves. If it wasn't my situation perhaps I could feel sorry for the OW in my story but as it's my story I don't feel bad for her but I am not bitter or in a rage against her. I don't want to call her up and say mean things or anything like that. To be honest, I'd prefer to stay about a thousand miles away from her if at all possible as it's just easier that way. But what I would like to share is a very sad consequence of this affair and something all the MM's and OW's reading this site need to just think about it because there are always consequences to affairs. ALWAYS. How can there not be? My stepson. He's a good kid. He's always been sensitive, he's always needed more emotional interaction than his older brother. I've been spending time with my stepchildren for over ten years so they are my children also. We are a family. Well, when the OW made the big stink in my life (yes, OW's, some of you are nuts and I read the same desperation in this hub that I think fueled my husband's OW into barging into my home and then calling me and hanging up and being a crazed woman...someone who I then did have a lot of scorn for. I didn't ask you to date my husband, I actually wanted him in my marriage alone...I had sex with my husband, I'm attractive, I worked hard and progressed a great deal in my job, I took care of the kids and cooked dinners and did what wives were supposed to do. Some of our husbands do have issues of their own that they need to deal with and that's why they have affairs. Actually, I am guessing lots of our husbands are in that boat. It's about them, not us, not you...them, them and them) she mentioned to me that she knew my stepson. I of course asked my husband, who basically painted it as they met briefly in a public place that she worked and she saw his son. I of course really wanted to believe this. I also knew that he had taken my oldest daughter around her. Now, being cheated on makes you want to vomit but finding out that your kids were around the OW in any sense makes you want to take a baseball bat to your husband's head and I am not a violent person. That was one of the sticking points in my head when I separated from my husband. Well, truth comes out now that my stepson is having some issues with dabbling in drugs and getting suspended from school...my dad took me around her OFTEN. His dad just basically played it off as a friend and her son. My stepson thought it was strange. And then as he got older her realized it was wrong. Well, my mother-in-law broke the news to him one day that his dad was cheating on me and he asked the OW's name and she gave it to him and it all came together very clearly. There are a few more details but for his sake you get the picture. My poor stepson told me he would think about all of this and just be sick. Well, he found a way to feel better, smoking pot. That's not the only reason he smoked obviously but when a kid tells you this you have to believe this is a big factor. He feels guilty because he didn't tell me. He's angry at his dad and he hates her. He knows that not competely rational as his dad is to blame too, but who's easier to hate????? I think anyone who can have an affair is selfish. They are thinking of only their needs. I think anyone willing to be in that affair (my husband's OW knew he was married...it wasn't a secret...small community) is really selling themselves short. How can you be in love with a liar, with a cheat? We wives are selling ourselves short too when we stay with these men. I do believe some people can change but change is not an easy thing and it takes a lot of commitment and stregnth. I unfortunately need to leave my marriage and guess what the idea of that change is scaring me. I haven't done it yet and I need to but I am scared of the change. And if in the end he calls the OW up and he's all hers I'm not sure that she's getting the man of her dreams. He definitely wasn't the man of mine. All I hope for is that all of my children grow up to be happy and strong and truthful and not go down the road their dad has. My stepson said to me very seriously that he's worried about himself. He doesn't want to be a cheater because he can see the damage it causes but it's a hard thing to escape and he knows it. Guess what my husband's dad is??? A serial cheater...guess what his brother is???? Guess what my husband is??? I am writing just to get out some of my frustrations and sadness and work through all of this so I can be the best me for me so if anything I say I help any of you OW's, please take it. I don't want to be angry and bitter, I was for long enough a few years back and I've really made some steps forward for me and my family and then voila! It's back!!! I just think it's time for me to go on without the husband who still doesn't want to own up to his own actions, who mopes around the house like he's the victim and who wants us all to forget about this big elephant sitting in our living room squishing us. If he said he'd go to therapy I'd be there in a heartbeat but that's not the case. I think life is too short for us to inflict this pain upon ourselves and I don't believe it's what God has planned for us. Any thoughts???? Sorry such a long post...
I am a wife we have a baby together. .Found out a Christmas that my husband was cheating. I left him and he is now living with her. However I have recently seen a photo of them together she looks happy like the cat that got the cream and is gripping his hand to comfort him .. He is smiling a fake smile but looks drunk and miserable. I have been devestated and lost soo much weight. However I feel more at peace with myself now and at least I am out of the situation. I couldnt do that to anyone else and feel a much better person for that. I dont believe that pain and deceit can bring happiness.Being decent and doing the right thing are part of who I am as a person and I would not compromise that for anything or anyone. Hopefully in time I will meet someone else who is single and able to commit fully . I hope to find a nice decent man. My husband has already started to try to get back together with me.. ( already going behind her back then). I have made it clear its over. No mixed messages from my side. At least the drama has ended for me now and I will start over with someone who I can hope will be truthful. I still can trust another man in time, I dont want them to destroy that. But right now I have to be the best mother I can be and get through this. I didnt know that when your heartbroken that the heart actually hurts. Or that the pain in the first days is mostly physical. The cold sweats shaking glugging water and the racing heart. Even when a letter arrived in the post my heart would start racing. It was awful . For anyone going through this please please look after yourself... see your GP and that awful phase does pass.
How dare somepeople who label every woman whos been with a married man a whore. You cannot possibly judge them without knowing the full content. Woman who actually seek men who are married/taken. They are a different matter. To those who become emotionally attached. Im talking to a married man currently. Yes their is a very high degree of flirting but im not sleeping with him. Hes already told me his marrige is a failed one but still he doesnt ever want to cheat on his wife. Does this make me a whore?. I am friends with this man for several years and past couple of months our feelings encouraged us to flirt. But it doesnt mean were going to jump into bed with one another. So tell me am I whore? im eager to know. Woman who blame thier marriges on other woman, have issues themselves. If your husband has an afair then the marrige is broken already. Im not saying its right. But i sympathise for men who are treated unloved, unwanted, trapped. Some wives can push them into an afair. But its not always the case.
artist, yes I can say you will be the whore. I am sorry but there is no such thing as a friendship with a mm. You know he is married, and he tells you it's a bronken one, please there is always two sides to every story. Flirting leads to hitting the sheets. The emotional attachment is the worst kind of cheating. He is a cheater and you know that it's warong what you and him are doing. I am sick and tired of these OW stating the reasons for the MM as to why they are unhappy. As for the wife blaming the OW, hell yes their to blame, if they don't know at first the man is married, they do know after! the OW is the one with the defects in their characters. I am sorry but I can't believe that you can justify your emotional connection to your MM by what he tells you. Why not have empathy for the wife, instead of sypathising with the MM. And statements like "Some wives can push them into an affair" is so STUPID!!!! Once again you OW and MM throw all the responsiblity to the wife to justisfy the Cheating and the lying. So Ms. Artist, wake up, open your eyes before you are waiting, hiding, crying and wondering where he's is and what he's doing....to give a MM man time out of your life is pure stupidity. Have some self respect. You see if you are so easy to step in the role of the OW, then that's all you are good for to him.
All great advice but what happens when you meet someone and can't imagine life without them? How do you move on? Yes, its wrong, lonely and basically horrific. But I feel I'm stuck.
Why are all these fat, old, bitter, and lonely housewives with 5 kids always blaming "the other" woman for everything?. It takes two people to have an affair! Why does the cheating husband always get to go back to his wife and kids and remain blameless while the "other woman" is forever branded a "whore" and a "homewrecker?" For all you wives out there who stop tending to your husband's needs, you have nobody to blame for yourself if your husband finds a hotter, younger, sexier peice of ass for himself. Men need sex! For once, be honest with yourselves and take a good hard look at the man you married before you blame the entire affair on your husband's mistress.
I've never had an affair and I never will. I could never handle all that heartbreak and dissapointment. I hope all the mistresses on this website find true love and happiness, because you all desereve to be first place in a man's life, not stuck on the very bottom of his list of priorities.
xoxo,
B
MMM rather hurtful and incorrect idea of the wives.. fat with 5 kids.. I have one child and I am an air hostess for a top airline company..( although on career break right now) Although I went into the job not because of my looks but because I wanted to travel and meet interesting people. I am no way fat and unattractive. The women my husband left me for was not "hotter". She is quite plain really. However he had an affair after a big loss of employment.. he was low on confidence statisically the time ripe for affairs.. she boosted his ego clearly .. i read her crap.. and I was too busy looking after our sick baby..Yes men have their needs I love him so so much and he couldnt cope but our baby needs help and he was neglected in that way at that time.. that is life.. her entrance was a perfect timing issue really. However if its all soul mates love love love crap from the mistress.. when then is my husband now looking ill .. and out drunk everynight basically destroying his life .. he had a tumour removed from his stomache 2 years ago and should not drink. He is begging to come back and looking more worse for ware each day. . but the mistress soul mate in lurrve women sees none of this .. her only concern seems to be to keep him.. if she loves him why doesnt she care about what is happening to him? He has hurt me and our baby now but I still cant bear to see him like this.. apparently he is risking loosing his new job now due to this.. he will not go back to visit his parents due to embarressment... its awful .. but she "the mistress looks totally happy" what deluded women .. how can she be happy with herself after causing so much pain? evidently he would come back to us now.. but we can not deal with any more drama as our child needs are coming first right now.. I need to stay strong so I can hold it together for the rest of our family . . I see the mistress as exremely selfish and deluded.. all about soul mates and love.. however real love is not as glamourous.. it is about care and concern for another person and putting their welfare before your own .. thinking about someone life and needs.. real love is not all this soul mate crap then owning someone and slowing watching them self destruct.. with a glass of wine in your hand and a smile on your face.. The mistress are mostly NOT more attractive than the wives.. they are basically giving the husband an ego boost when something is going wrong in his life.. not necessarily in his marriage.. Shes quite trashy as well .. I have seen her emails. She has a poor standard of english and swears a lot.. Also this soul mate love stuff they write in emails doesnt last too long does it..? he is desperate to come back to me and our baby.. what happens to all the love stuff? Now all this love stuff sees the light of day and real life it appears to die out pretty quickly.
I have just come out of a 8 month affair. I last spoke to him a week ago after receiving a text telling me not to call again. Of course, i called him straight away. He never answered so I texted him to tell him I would never contact him again. He then called. How did this mess start. Why did I get involved. The real truth I am still trying to work out. I had come out of a long relationship with a man who never wanted to have sex with me. It was awful. My confidence and self esteem were at rock bottom. I had to move home to my parents with our child and get on with things. One night, bored I stumbled across a web site looking for people for no strings relationships. There was one well written ad and on impulse I responded. The rest is history. We met he told me he was married. He was handsome and intelligent and held a really great job and I suppose a part of me was impressed. Within two weeks he was telling me he loved me and had to be with me and would do all it took to make this happen. I told him not to be stupid and this was not meant to happen. He never spoke badly about his wife, admitting that she was a good wife, mother. He just didnt love her anymore and whilst they did have sex it was only when he begged and upon touching her she cringed. This had been going on years. I questioned what he had done to make her like this. My personal opinion of it was whilst he looked after her financially and she has a nice life emotionally he has neglected her. He is never at home, always out with his friends, golf, football or bars. He tells me its because he is not happy at home. If he had me he would not feel this need. I sucked it all in, enjoyed feeling wanted and flattered. I told him straight that I would never ask him to leave her but I was not in this for the long game and having an affair was not acceptable. Back in July when I had been seeing him for 4 weeks he told me that he told her that he no longer loved her and wanted to leave. She cried and asked for a chance to get things back on track. 6 months. They had a big family holiday booked, his big 40th party organised and various other things. We discussed things and stupidly I agreed that I would continue seeing him till January. He would then leave. In my head I also reasoned that it would give me time to get to know him better. I fretted the whole time about his wife and child. Felt so bad and guilty but my own selfishiness and want won through. I was hooked. Loving him was so easy. He was attentive, calling, texting and emailing all the time. I saw him most days, but of course, these were snatched moments. We had a few nights away together in hotels and we also went out locally. He was not really discreet. I tried ending it on a few occassions telling him to sort his marriage out but I never really meant it. Anyway we are now in Feburary and he has not left and now tells me he is not. I am not worth the risk. I did end the affair on 11th January telling him it was over and only to contact me if he was single. The next day he texted telling me he loved and missed me. I ignored this. A week later he sent me an email telling me he was in constant turmoil, could not live without me and was still determined to end his marriage but needed more time to make things right for his child. I agreed to see him and of course we just picked up again. I did tell him that I was going to end it again as nothing had changed and I needed to move on with my life. I then went out for a night out with my friend, I bumped into an ex who I was with for 10 years who is now also married. At the end of the evening the ex escorted me home, with his friend, he came in for some coffee, with his friend and we ended up chatting till the early hours. The next day I told MM about this who was not at all happy. That was the evening I received the text ending things. When the MM did call that night we talked for over an hour. It was 1am in the morning and he was at a weekend away with the boys. He was so cross about my ex coming over, telling me it was not acceptable, and me being a single mother should not be out till 4am. He told me he was jealous and that as a result he was not willing to mess up his kids life for something he wasnt sure on anymore. It was not worth the risk. I told him this was an excuse and he didnt need one, I am not some bunny boiler who would stalk him or spill the beans to his wife. Anyway throughtout the conversation he was telling me he loved me so much. I asked him if he would change his mind and he said no. In the end I wound up the conversation. I then texted him to tell him I loved him and to take care. Since then I have felt in deep despair. Every emotion I have felt. I feel so hurt. Hurt that he did not end things nicer. I feel stupid and humilated and also deep shame that my own selfishness wanted to break up a family. What kind of woman am I. I am trying to work through the fog in my head and in one way hoped that he might realise what he had at home and try and fix it. To my surprise I received a text Friday saying "i miss you so much"..I also received one yesterday saying "having a great day apart from one thing" I have not responded and nor will I. I am in love with this man but now see him for what he is. A very selfish man who needs his ego boosting. He is also a big coward. If he is not happy and truly doesnt love his wife he needs to leave to allow her to be loved properly. This is my first and last ever affair. I am ashamed but know I can move on and hopefully one day be happy. Deep down I know I would never have trusted my MM if he did ever leave. I would then be in turmoil. MM are never worth it. I wish I had found this blog when I started my stupid liason.
to bella66, for one thing why is the wife old, bitter, and lonely. Please you are so wrong! Oh I have no doubt that the MM gives those reasons for cheating, maybe the OW should realize the MM wants a different piece o ass and the OW is so ready to bend over backwards to give it him. It's the MM fault, number one, but come on, how much of a moron is the OW....He's Married! DAH!!!!!!!! the OW woman is a whore and has no self respect. She knows he's doing his wife and still lets him do her, how nasty is that!!!! She knowns she's on the bottome of his list....They, MM & the OW are both roaches, hiding in daylight and coming out at night. If she was happy and proud to be with the MM and vice versa, then why hide it. She is the stupid one, who puts herself in this position, just to get screwed! I mean screwd out of time from her life.....Bella66 you have no idea of what these MM do or say to the OW and Please stop with blaming the wife...MM do not have the balls to just leave and OW don't have the morals to say no! I am a wife and you who sit and talk crap about us wives, need to stop. Anyone ever heard of EMPATHY!!!! In the end if he leaves his wife, the OW will be in the same position his wife was and he'll find another moron to screw....
Funny how your empathy is one sided isn't it Angela.
What about the lost girls on here who are trying to hold together their lives after finding out the man they love very deeply is married. If calling them all whores is your idea of empathy, I'm sure someone here can give you the "empathy" you're craving.
I think the statement that the wives are always bitter and not as attractive, etc. is really just as bitter and un-empathetic as many of you are telling the wives that they are. There are a lot of attractive women out there who's husbands cheat on them. And sometimes the OW is better looking and sometimes not. My husband's OW was considerably younger but she wasn't better looking. We wives are the reality. We worry about the kids, the bills, most of us work, plus we chauffeur kids, help with homework, cook dinner and clean the house and when our husbands can't deal with real life for whatever reason, going to the OW and painting a whole different picture is a an easy out for them. If my husband wanted to leave me, he could have. If he would have said, I need to be with this other woman, I would have let him go. No, my husband denied having an affair until she told me to my face in front of him and he just sat there looking like an idiot. Actually, looking in the past, it would have been better for me because I was faithful to the marriage and I could have been free and being an attractive woman, I would have moved on. I wasn't lacking for male attention before I married my husband and men still pay attention to me now, even years later, so that's not really the problem. Problem is, I married a man who couldn't commit faithfully to marriage. Why is that my fault? It's not. Obviously it takes two, so I'm not perfect, no one is, but I can tell you one thing, I was a pretty decent wife and a good mother and I didn’t deserve what my husband did to me…who really does? It’s humiliating, embarrassing and degrading and it breaks your heart. I don't think the OWs are "evil" as a rule but really, why do you want a married man? Don't you want someone who is all your own? An affair is exciting, let's be honest. It's the chance you might get caught, the lying, the clandestine meetings, the great sex...I think it's easy to get caught up in, but once you are in over your head and you can't live without this man that in most cases has no intentions of leaving his wife, regardless of what he says in bed and in whispered phone conversations and textes, you have to realize that you are selling yourself short. (And believe me, we wives sitting at home, we are being sold short too). And of course, when we are in a love affair we want to believe that the other person feels exactly like we do...but does he? You want to throw everything away to be with him but he really doesn't want to reciprocate. Doesn’t that say something? And a man isn’t being honorable because he tells you he needs to be with the wife just for the kids, etc. It’s just an excuse to buy him more time with you and to make you admire him more for his “good qualities”. Good arrangement for him…not you, and not the wife. I had a friend who got into an affair with a man who was "divorcing". At first it was like, ok, he's leaving his wife...then 6 months later it was like you do realize that this seems to be taking a while...a year later she broke it all off realizing that he had no intention of leaving his wife....which is kind of what I, a wife, thought from the beginning. I never called her a whore…I just didn’t support that relationship.
to a little different: you may be right about not feeling empathy for the WHORES, who are with MM....sorry I call it as I see it. And for those who are deeply in love, with broken hearts, or are trying to put their lives back together, boo hoo, I do not have empathy for them, because they themselves put themselves in that position. You see Ms A little differnt, They had a Choice, the Wife did NOT....The OW woman, 99% of them know the man is married, and the OW made the decision to be with a MM. Please if you are so stupid to make choices that you damn well know you have a great chance of being hurt and knowing there are others involved, like children, wife, family....then HELL NO I have no Emapthy!!!!! As for me graving empathy, Honey you are so wrong, you see I write here to give the Wife's side....And to read all the woe's me of the OW....it only tells me that the OW who screwed my husband, was just like these, sad, pathetic, woman who live for only moments the MM can be with them...wasting time from their lives to please a man who may never be theirs.
i was having an affair with a married man before, he divorced his wife of 1 year marriage and fled with me. After 3 years, we got married, and Karma works it wonders, we were divorced not because of the third person but because we both are foolish in making decision i was a selfish person who wanted everything in my life. I am a disaster, my ex husband is jealous of me, someone i like just got married and we are having an affair. But its not like i want to marry him but i like his company and yes, he makes me happy.. my life is fucked up and i admit i brought all the problems myself.
melora, ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!! Or didn't you read what you wrote? Pretty pathetic, " it's not like I want to marry him but I like his company and yes he makes me happy"....You need some serious help. Please read what you wrote... I hope is was a mistake.....I really feel alot of pity for you
again, get some serious thearpy.
Wow ...after reading this blog and many more related articles on line, methinks all these MM actors play from the same script,use the same lines.Thank you SO MUCH for opening my eyes before I fell for the BS.This page should be required reading for all women before they even start to date.Knowledge is power. I read and reread until it sunk deep into the core of my heart and mind. Despite the few so-called happy souls on this site that sing the praises of affairs with MM ,DON"T EVEN think about it.There are no positive points.And we women who fall for or are tempted by the sick BS words of the also mentally compromised cheating MM need to address our core issues...abandonment issues,fear of commitment.Look deep withing...they are there. Get help if you need to. Save or build your own self-respect.And if you struggle with the MM dilemma , please get a true friend that believes that affairs with MM are stupid and destructive,too, and open your heart to that friend.Hold yourself personally accountable to the friend.You CAN escape/avoid this life-sucking mess,with help from true friends.Don't go it alone.But get out as fast as you can. Read and re-read this page and other similar pages on line and RUN AWAY ,run for your life,your soul. Hang in there sisters. There are far worse things to live with than loneliness.
Love and best wishes.
Someone who has been there and seen the light.
P.S.
Thank you thank you thank you and did I mention ,,Thank you Veronica , for creating this Blog
oouvrezmesyeux, you are very welcome. I'm so glad to read this was such a great resource for you. Best to you.
I have a question, it's not about a married man, but about a guy who has been my best friend for years. He has a girlfriend, who I have met on odd occasions. Our relationship has only EVER been platonic and I am not the kind of person who would ever allow anything more if one or other of us is taken.
My problem is this - just before christmas, he told me he loves me (and made it clear it was not in a platonic way). I said that I didn't want to hear that because he should have more respect for both his gf and for me. Fast forward a couple of months - him periodically telling me he loves me and that he needs to know how I feel, and that he doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend or lose my friendship, and I am at breaking point. I have not told him how I feel as I believe this will encourage him (Yes, I love him, but no, I would never do anything unless he was single).
My question is this - I will never ask him to leave his girlfriend, but can I continue our friendship as it was before without it becoming some kind of emotional cheating? The dynamic of our friendship hasn't actually altered that much, as we have always been very close.
Please could anyone help out? Oh, and just to clarify - she knows how close he and I are, they do not live together, there are no children involved. I am not trying to justify an affair because that is 100% NOT going to happen ever. I'm just trying to describe everything accurately. I have tried to be a friend to her as well but for whatever reason, she doesn't seem interested, not even if I invite him and her out to group things, so I don't think its just because she doesn't like him and I being friends.
I am really starting to feel awful after reading all these posts that I have somehow done something to cause this, but I have honestly only ever tried to be his friend, and I thought he had too until recently.
Bella666;
If you ever get back on here and read these comments, I hope you read and take mine to heart.
Sex, is NOT a need, it is a Desire. Men desire sex, they do NOT die without it. Men have LUST issues, some can control it, some can not. Women desire an emotional connection and NEED to feel loved. We all die from lonliness without LOVE. I get sick and tired of hearing how men NEED sex. Marriage is NOT all about sex. NO relationship should be built on or all about SEX. If it is than it is a FANTASY relationship, REAL relationships have way more factors in them, like, respect, admiration, fights, disagreements, bills, kids, family issues, friends, love, building a life, jobs, etc...
When you LOVE someone, you desire, want, to be as close to them as you can possibly get and that is where sex comes in. When a woman allows a man to ENTER in her body, as that is how true intimate sex happens, than they are connected and become apart of the other. It is a DESIRE to be CLOSE. At least that is the way a HEALTHY relationship should be.
It takes two in a marriage, and if the husband is not giving his wife what she DESIRES most, a close intimate emotional life, caring about her, her day, her life, doing things to make her life and day better, saying and giving her respect and appreciation for all she does, than she will not feel connected and close to him. The OW would feel the same, if all he did for her was show up and have sex and leave. If he did not lie to her and tell her all the little things she so deperately wants to hear, she to would not allow him his desire of sex. (I would hope anyway, because if she does, that is nothing more than cheap prositution).
Affairs have nothing to do with either the OW or wife. They are only about the one betraying their marriage vows. Whether man or woman. It does not matter how disgusting the wife or desirable the OW, it is about the character and empty voids in the one married that is cheating. There is a thing called SELF CONTROL and we all have it.
I have had many opportunities to have affairs with married men, but I also have the self control to say NO. No matter what they said or did, even if I am lonely or my self esteem is not where it should be, there is NO way I could ever be talked into an affair.
Affairs are nothing more than personal issues, core soul, deep issues in those who have them. It has nothing to do with whether a wife gives her husband sex, or the OW is younger, hotter, etc. Why is this so darn hard to get.
If affairs were justifable than they would not have to be kept SECRET. They would be out in the open for the wife and others to see. But they are not. Affairs are nothing more than the keeping of secrets.
AFFAIRS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE, SOUL MATE, WHATEVER, THEY HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH LUST AND PERSONAL ISSUES, LIKE LOW SELF ESTEEM, BEING A COWARD,LIAR, SELFISHNESS, SELF CENTERNESS, ETC.. AFFAIRS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WIFE, OW OR OM, THEY HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE ONE WHO CHOOSES TO NOT KEEP A COMMITMENT, THEIR WORD. IT IS A PERSONAL CORE ISSUE. PERIOD.
Does the OW hold some responsibility, YES, because she said it when the affair began....YES!!!! and made excuses to continue from that point on. She had a choice to make and made it with full knowledge of his or her marriage. While the wife/husband got NO choice on whether she would agree to or accept the same arrangement.
Affairs are wrong and we all know it other wise they would not be looked down on so badly.
When you say YES to an affair, own your responsibility for your choice. NO is just as easy to say, if you have any self respect........
great article, veronica. a perfect real life example of how horrid these lies are is the whole John Edwards fiasco. look at all the lies, the people that were hurt, whose lives were affected because of a woman in an affair with a married man! there is nothing right about a life of lies. period.
and not just a married man, one that was running for president. what kind of woman is this, what kind of man is he?? what selfish, selfish people. again, I love your honesty, veronica!
Kate,
THANK YOU! What you said was perfect. It's all about the person who chooses to have the affair but the OW/OM's have to take responsibility too, as do the cheated on spouses to some extent. Worst part is, the person who seems to suffer the least is the cheater...
Why do the OW/OM's support behavior that if it happened to them they'd be on a different blog crying about how their spouse cheated on them...not crying about how innocent and in love they are??? Can't they put the shoe on the their foot and realize how hurtful a situation they are helping fester is to the family and friends of the cheater??? Regardless of the "so called love"???
Kate, I have been cheated on and take no responsiblity for my husband cheating on me. I thought he was happy and I was happy. At no time did he tell me he wasn't satisfied in bed, nor that there was something missing. His choice to do this and to betray his children. I was the victim without knoing this. The OW knew of me, and my girls....he went into this to satisfy his own selfish needs.....So most wives are never under the impression there was ever anything wrong. It's sad to say that I had so much faith in my Husband because he made me beleive he was a decent, moral Man.
to chole, look you want to sleep with him and you use the excuse he is you best friend, sorry but there is no such thing as being a friend with a man who is married or has a girlfriend. I don't care what he says, if he loves u then tell him to break in off with his wife/girlfriend. Damn, be honest with yourself, if you have a self respect you wouldn't be drawn into to a web of decit and lies. And she probably will never be a good friend to you, because she must feel there is something wrong with your's and his relationship. I don't blame her, if he was my man I tell you to please stay away from him, no matter if he's your best friend. I wouldn't put up with it and I don't think you would if the tables were turned, and why is it that you bleive what he tells you, open your eyes, he's a liar and whats to cheat. Doesn't it tell about his character, when he has a wife/girlfriend and hitting on you. You OW are so insecure...find a way to stand your ground and don't see him anymore, if he breaks it off with her then you know you are who he cares more for. Be a woman who has morals and character, we women have to start sticking together and show these dogs that we are not going to be used or hurt. Have some empathy for that woman and realize what you would feel if the tables were turned. Do the right thing and stay away from him and let them alone. Because he is a loser and you know it. It's lust he has for you!!!!!!
Angela - Did you not read Chloe's posting? She said she is not having, nor is she going to have and affair with him. He is her best friend has been for years. He confessed his love to her. she is not hitting on him! How is He a cheat if he hasn't done anything. What Chloe needs to simply do, if she wants a relationship with him, is tell him he needs to be honest with his current girlfriend and break off their relationship. Then he will be free to be with Chloe. Why should he live his life with a women he clearly does not love if he is in love with another women? Why must any one spend a lifetime with someone that they do not love anymore? I get that marriage is a commitment, but people change, they grow and sometimes they grow apart. Should you really be subjected to spending a life time with a person that you have no interest in anymore because 20 plus years ago your promised that you would? How many people make it to their 50th anniversary and cant stand the person they are standing next to? I bet there are lots, not that they would ever admit it outloud. But I'm sure we all now people like that. Life is to short to be with someone you are not happy with, who you dont love, who you dont laugh with anymore. I dont want a room mate that I cant stand for the next 50 years because society tells me that i made the choice to marry him/her so many years ago. I want to love the person I am with, I want to laugh with him/her I want butterflies, attraction and my best friend. And yes I know reality happens but with the RIGHT person by your side its not so bad. Maybe my expectations of love and marriage are different than most. I want to be in love with the man that I am with each and every day. Through the fights and the sickness and the bills and the kids. How many people REALLY have it? Ask around not to many. And I bet that if it was 'OK" to walk away then most people would. If you where in a marriage where you are sad and lonely and taken advantage of all because that is "real life" and you met some one who made you feel alive, some one who made you want to be a better you, some one who was such a positive influence in your life, how could you not want to be with that person. I know that an affair is not the answer. There are more sensative ways to handle it. But life happens. Love happens.
strawberry girl, you are right but wrong on so may points. I am sorry that you seem to feel that love is about the butterflies, the feeling of that first attraction, and all the other first time things that happen when you are first madly in love. That is what an affair is all about the first time feelings. So its sad that because after so many years of being married those feeling change, with the mortage, kids, jobs, day to day responsiblities. You think that with the OW a MM will always have that first time feelig of excitment and butterflies, bull, then it happens all over again, the OW, becomes boring, and tired and stressed, so what then he has to cheat again to get that high. Marriage is all the first feelings, then the happiness of children, bulding a home, a future, with all that comes stress, jobs, and every day real life. The affair is not but a step out of those responsiblities for the MM. And if he leaves his wife, he will be right back in that same life, only to look for the high of excitement, butterflies. You see most marriage start out with your bestfriend, and the butterflies, and the love. It's all what you explained you want from a Man or a Woman. Most marriages are based on all the first time feeling. The real love is the one that keeps us together after the firsts, the real love is really knowing your wife or husband and loving them because of the firsts. Accepting that nothing is perfect and because of all good and bad times, you are stronger with your love for them. Give me a breake strawberry girl, this is life, real life, so excuse me if I feel that real love is accepting what life brings and going through them with each, rememebering the vows, because in the end, all we want is to grow old with one another and to be that persons soulmate, and life should teach us that.
And Chole knows that she wants this guy, no matter what, and will end up giving in. Too bad that see can't see that if a man is in a relationship, and tells her he loves her, isn't he a liar, number one, and show her just what kind of a person he is. I'm sorry my sympathy goes to the girlfriend, not to chole.
Funny to read all this. What´s wrong with men? I think all of them are the same shit. There is some genetic error in the male system since all men turn out to be like this sooner or later. I´m in the middle of breaking out of 6 years of this shit, giving me nothing. Breaking me down as a human beeing and confusing me. To those who judge people who have affairs with married men: Think twice. I am one of those who of principle never would have dreamt of having an affair, untill it happened. I dont have to repeat. My story is exactly the same shit of experiences as those above. I just have 1 advice to anybody who is in the beginning of going into anything like this: Wake up. Nothing good will come out of it. He will make you a bitter bitch, no matter how fresh, beautifull and goodlooking you are. He will make isolate yourself, make you loose your selfesteem, and he will garantee cheat on you. Those kind of men (all?) are sick.
If you think he have chosen you for your beauty or he feels pity for you and wants to help you in one or the other way, it´s wrong. The truth is that men like this sleeps with a rubberdoll if he think it is sexy enough.
I say; wake up and think. No matter how great he looks or what position he has, he is weak and you are in fact the strong person who backs he up. Married men or men in relationships with children or some kind of comitment do have a seriouse personal problem and is dependent on breaking women down in one or the other way. It is very sad that men treat women like this. I think there is no hope. Men dont appreciate female beauty for what it is.
Affairs with married men are not exciting at all. You get nothing out of it. Except a huge amount of waiting and loneliness. Those men keep their women prisoners in their own life. You´ll in one or the other way sympathise with the wife.
In my case it was a distant affair. I never wanted him to divorce. He was a friend I thought, but in fact he is just a coward, and I am confessed he thinks that I am a naive little girl and he won.
anotherone in the row, you are so right. I couldn't of said it better. I hope all these OW who boo hoo, poor me out there read your comment.
OW WOMEN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU OWN FOOLISHNESS!!!!!
Two and half years ago my world was shattered after my trustworthy husband got caught up in the midst of an affair. He was so against cheating that never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine the love of my life caving to such temptations.
We had been together for 12 years and had one child. Things were not going well between the two of us. Lots of fighting and our outside family members interfering with our marriage led my husband to spend more and more time away from our home. Our communication of each others needs completed melted away. When he first met the other woman (a local bartender), he actually took me to her bar for a night out together. I knew immediately upon seeing this woman that something was going on (she was overly flirtatious with my husband and didn't seem to care that I was present). I confronted him and of course he denied it telling me that the woman was disgusting and that he would never cheat on me with something like her. He actually talked of her like she was an "it". Two months later my husband left me.
The day after my husband left, I decided to check on him at his buddies house. There he was standing outside with this other woman. I thought that I would go into a rage and apparently the other woman thought that too because she took off running around the other side of the house. To my surprise I remained calm. . . so calm, in fact, that I could actually hear the sound of my heart breaking. What ensued after that was my husband telling me that he was not having an affair and especially not with "that bar whore". He continued to reassure me by putting her down in any way that you could possibly imagine. All the while the other woman was listening. Apparently her self esteem must have been low because she continued to see him for another month and eventually told him she was in love with him.
I decided to just let my husband go. I cried every day. Within two weeks I had lost 27 lbs, I was only 117 lbs to begin with. I landed myself in the hospital from dehydration and what the doctors referred to as "broken heart sydrome" (meaning that I was on the verge of a heart attack). Still I was determined not to bother my husband with my wants or needs for his relationship to end. I even started going out with friends and trying my best to enjoy myself.
One night my husband came to visit our daughter and he broke down. He wept and begged me to talk to him. I agreed, but only on the terms that he would be forthright with any of my questions. We discovered that my husband had a moment of weakness. He took advantage of playful flirtation and acted upon it. He does not blame the other woman for his actions (which is good he shouldn't blame her). He thought that if he felt temptation for someone else that meant he did not love me anymore. He discovered that he just didn't love that our lives together had become hum-drum complacency.
I am a believer that all humans make mistakes, no one is free from sin. I decided to try to work this out with my husband. It has been difficult and exhausting, but good things have come from this as well. My husband is always home, he is loving and sweet, his is extremely helpful and he has become an open book. I have lightened up alot, little things no longer bother me. Will we make it through this? Most days I just don't know the answer to that question. So it's one day at a time for now.
I have tried to contact the other woman to get her version of the events, but she will not speak to me. She acts like I stole her husband. I discovered that while my husband was with her, he told her some pretty awful things about me. . . My wife is crazy, she's a bitch, I'm afraid for us because my wife has a .22 longbarrel and a shotgun she's the type that will kill. . .blah,blah,blah. He made this woman terrified of me.
To all the women who are caught up with a married man, know this, they lie, lie, lie about their wives. They are simply trying to justify to you why you should continue to have a relationship with them by making the wife out to be a monster. It makes you feel good doesn't it? Afterall you could love him better than that. . . right? To let you all know I do not own any guns. Hell, I don't believe in guns, because it's too easy to grab one when you're pissed and do the wrong thing. All woman can be crazy and bitchy can't we? You see, my husband made me out to be a monster and he admits that he did it to make himself and the other woman feel better about what they were doing.
Now, my husband should not blame the other woman for her role in this affair. He let it happen so he should place all blame on himself rightfully. I on the otherhand lay blame equally on both parties. This woman knew he was married and still she pursued a relationship (like I said she openly filrted with him right in front of me). Currently this woman is in a relationship with someone else and from what I understand she is having problems with another woman trying to steal her man. Karma is a bitch ladies. Remember if you decide to take part in destroying another human's life, it will eventually come back to you.
Also remember that most men do not end up leaving their wives, most men who cheat consider it the biggest mistake that they've ever made (with the exception of serial cheaters). You don't really want to be remembered as someone's largest mistake do you?
I have found alot of solace in simply researching affairs and have found a good website that takes some of the edge off the pain. It's called www.breakfreefromtheaffair.com
If you are the spouse (man or woman) going through the pain of an affair this is a great place to start finding some comfort. My prayers are with all of those who have been betrayed.
Posting a comment on this help- to selfhelp - site (as I would like to call it) gave me the feeling of stepping into the big dark spirit of unfedility on the planet. It felt heavy. For the first time I got a feeling of breaking out of the stuck isolated shell I´ve been in and an urge to be realistic and selfcritical. Its not the mans fault after all. Its mine - the girls/woman. It is "just" a question about thinking clear, beeing conciouse and honest and say no. It is easy. Anotherones family is private. There are no excuses. I am agree with most of the comments here, because there are so many aspcts to it. Low selfesteeem and a difficult lifesituation for a woman easy leads to a situation like this.
When the emotional won over logical, it's hard to stop what's perceived as wrong. Not that I say it's the right thing to do but human tend to lost in love.
Reading the comments and other peoples emotional experiencesI make me feel not so lonely and stuck anymore as I did. Knowing there are others in the same situation as me. Dearing to talk about it (the taboo).
Just a quick note to say thank you for the responses to my original post. I would like to say that I have been true to my word, and NOT done anything with my best friend. I asked him to leave me alone, as I don't see how we can be friends if what he says is true. I have never wanted to be the catalyst for someone elses break up, and so by removing myself totally from his life, then I am no longer to do with anything. If he leaves her and gets in touch, then that is a different matter, one which I will have to consider if it arises. However, I am assuming that he will not leave her, and so my absence will hopefully be a good thing for them.
I am sorry if you thought I was secretly harbouring desires for this man angela, because I honestly don't. I cannot and will not condone unfaithful behaviour, emotional or physical, and I would never do that to her, she deserves more than that. I just really didn't want to have to lose my best friend because of it all.
I, too, am in a relationship (kind of) with a married man.We met through work almost exactly 3 years ago. Our "relationship" ended 9 months ago because his 2nd wife found out and threatened to leave him and take their daughter back to Ukraine. Several months had passed and we were both miserable without each other. He had been trying to contact me but wasn't successful as I had changed most of of my accounts and changed my #. I made the mistake of sending him a text wishing him a Merry Christmas.... We have recently rekindled things and I know I should end it, but I just can't. I was never miserable with him, only with out him. He even told me that he was bad for me and I would be hurt in the long run, he can't walk away either. We talk every day that we can't see each other and he sends me photos of the children (two from his first marriage and one from his current marriage). Why does he do this? Am I just stupid and he just an jerk?
Here's the thing... he was never anything but honest with me from the very beginning. He has never emotionally abusive, and always tried to spend as much time with me as possible We ended up falling in love with each other. Ok...i know many of you are probably laughing at this point and think i am nothing but a home wrecking whore and with good reason. Situations like this do happen and it's nothing but misery for all parties involved....and yet, neither of us can walk away.
to chole, Good for you....I am so happy I was wrong about you...As for JM, look u absolutley knew what you were doing when you wished him a Merry Christmas, u knew there was a purpose to do so. How could you know if he was miserable the months you had no contact with him? Look JM, it's your choice to be hurt, to continue to have contact with someone you say is totally honest with you, then you know that he will never leave his wife, until the child is at least 18, a life time. So how foolish of you to tell us he will never leave his wife, and then at the same keep yourself in this trap. Open your eyes, read your own post, you will not ever have this man completely...so it's your choice knowing what you know, if you stay then be prepared to just be the, "OW", for a very long time. In the meantime also remember, it's your life you are throwing away, because you may just wake up and realize the years you waited have gone, and you will never get them back. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone you may have a future with. Honey love is not waiting to be number one!
True. You waste the years. Look at the time with extra strong glasses and analyse what you see in there; more or less nothing but waiting, loneliness AND unsecurety about yourself as a person. What is he doing now... is he looking at other women ... etcetcetc....
The WORST thing about a situation like that is thast you can not talk to him when you need to, or call him or send sms or expect an answer like you could have if you were in a normal realtionship. This is a strange situation that makes you insecure and small about yourelf. The terrible thing about such relationships are that you are not allowed to show feelings.
The longer you stay... the longer and more difficult itis to get out of it - if you want to! That´s the fact. The day you finally wake up you will most likely feel panik when it comes to TIME. And HOW you can start live normal again as a whole person. This is my opinion.
Just in general, when it´s too much of it. Take the chance, give yourself a "break" from him/the relationship and see what happens... Say 2-3 weeks and forget about the whole thing. Look at it as a crush. It takes maybe 2-3 weeks to get over it. Next time you see him, maybe you feel that you rather want to do other things on your own, I mean that maybe you feel a little more free and that you have managed on your own for a while. it is difficult but I think it is possible.
Well I have been seeing an attached man now for over 4 years. I say attached cos he has not wed the woman he lives with. I am wed but I would leave my husband in a heartbeat for my other guy. I never meant for any of this, I was not looking to cheat. But i met this guy and I fell in love with him and we have a connection physically and mentally like i have never known. It is pure torture going for so long wanting someone else. I have 2 kids otherwise i wld have left husband by now. But if other guy said he wants to be with me i wld just go. But he has emotional problems and he won't tell me he loves me. It literally breaks my heart. I truly believe he does love me. its in his touch, his looks at me, his kiss and in all the times we spend together. But every now and again i doubt it and i push him to say he loves me. and he backs off and won't take my calls sometimes for months. then he comes back again and it starts again. I am stupid and I curse myself for doing this, but I love him. And unless I can find a way to erase him from my mind and heart i always will.
dee, I am so sorry for you. You are pathetic! You are married and have children, and all you can think of is this guy!!!! You say you'd leave your husband, but you have two kids. And the worst part about it he has emotional problems, WHAT? Girl its you with the emotional problems, I feel sorry for your children....u are so into this man that the only thing on your mind is getting him to say "I Love YOU", Dee grow up, if you don't love your husband, leave him...stop cheating on your children and your husband. You think this guy loveS you, bull, hes getting what he wants and I give him alot of credit, at least he's a cheater who won't lie to his mistress, and say i love you. Because he DOSEN'T! Yes u are stupid, because you are wasting so much engery on him, instead of your family>>>>>
I have been with a married man for only a few weeks and I have just ended it. I was aggressively pursued, constantly flattered, and fell in love after only a short while, and the entire experience was intoxicating and I felt like I was on drugs. But bottom line, I was not happy, and did not feel excited or hopeful. And I also questioned him. Could I really trust this man etc. In between our meetings I would feel low and anxious, and would sink into a dark place. I then read a lot online about single women dating married men and majority is not good news. I made the difficult decision to leave, especially because it's early on, it will be easier for me to get over him. It's only been a few days since the split and every time I feel weak and feel like contacting him, I read blogs like this to keep me focused. And I really believe I did the right thing. I want a healthy and normal relationship, not be someone's doormat and screwbuddy whenever it pleases him.
Your description of the relationship on this early stage... can you imagine the next 10 years like this and how you will feel... it will be exactly the same, nothing will change. He will go on with his normal daily life, while you sit waiting, worrying and get lower and lower selfesteem. Imagine. Nothing will happen, noting will change. Hope you get over it soon! You need a lot of selfdicipline!
Hi Stuck, no, I cannot possibly imagine the next 10 weeks like this, let alone years. Since my last post I have had to tell him to stop all communication because he's been in touch and every time I hear from him, I fall apart or doubt my decision. So I've since deleted all communication, his number, everything. I don't want to give my power away. Why should anyone settle? For women out there still with married men, leave now. Once you've made the decision and walk away, your life will be different. The pain will actually lessen. Give yourself some time to mourn, do cry your eyes out, but then it will only improve. The pain of staying is far greater.
Agree. I am pretty cynical in this things with married men. For anybody who is honest to themself, you will see that it is all about lying and a woman who goes into a relationship like that is in some way tired of life, disillusioned and fucked up. Sorry.
I agree with Angela. She says it straight how it is.
I'm a married woman who had a brief fling with a married man. I had already been unhappy in my own marriage for years so when the flirting and texting started between the two of us it was just too hard to resist. I just accepted answers he gave me about the morality of what we were doing since the feelings were so intense at the time. Since then I have woken up to the fact that I need to end my marriage, not because I want to have a committed relationship with this man, but because I have been pretending for a long time. However, since I see the MM everyday it is very difficult to let go of what happened and I am missing the experience. He however has moved on and is careful not to pay me much attention at all. He has said he wants to work on things with his wife, but he also sits with another woman at lunch everyday flirting- I suspect he has had and may be having other affairs. How do I get this guy out of my head? I know I need to move on, but I just can't stop thinking about him. I try my hardest to think of his wife and child and my husband and all the pain this has caused everyone-but then there is a flash of things he said to me that make me want to be with him again. After reading this I don't want to end up like other women stuck in endless relationships that go nowhere. What can I do when I see this person everyday, please help....
Kate...Not all affairs are based on the same ideas that you have. I take full responsibility for my actions and my choice's as does the married man that I have been involved with for three years. He has never blamed his wife, nor have I. Relationships change and evolve. Sometimes they evolve into relationships that are no longer fullfilling. My MM has fallen out of love with his wife. He still cares about her, but the "love" is gone. So are you suppose to continue in the relationship with someone that you no longer love or have a passion for. Just live life like your "suppose" to? When is it ok to follow your heart? Did we handle the situation right? Most definately not. Neither one of us where looking for this. We have broken up a couple of times. But never with anger or resentment. We where trying to do the "right" thing. We broke up for 7 months at one point. A circumstance brought us together again and we have been together ever since. When we fist got together it was quite a few months before we where intimate. After the first time it was a full year before we slept together again. Our relationship is not based on sex. We have an amazing conection. We talk about everything from politics to music to wine and so much more. We have great friends. He has never hidden me from his best friends. And what they have said to me is this. He is an amazing man and they hoped I didn;t take it lightly that he was involved with me. That he must be crazily in love with me to allow this to happen in his life. he is not the type of person to have an affair. He has been there for me always. I have a life with my two little girls and I understand that he also has a life with his children. I dont spend holidays alone. i have lots of friends and family that I love spending time with. We are both very busy in our lives that quite honestly my life does not revolve around him or his mine. Recently he has confessed to his wife everything. he has told her about the affair and that he is in love with me. He has told her that he is not leaving me. He is not willing to give up our relationship to save his marriage. I realize that it will take a while to unwind his marriage and I am not looking for an overnight result. I told him I am here and I will stand beside him when he needs me to and behind him if he needs me to catch him if he falls. I have told him that if he needs me to step away while thing unfold I could do that also. That lasted about two days. He is an amazing man. His marriage issues are not why our relationship started. It started because two people met, fell in love and have an amazing conection and relationship that neither one of us are willing to give up and walk away from. I love him now and I know that I will love him forever. We will be together. That I can say with confidence.
hi conflicted, i know it's hard to get him out of your mind. but once you've made a decision, the rest will be easier. it's the toying with the idea - should i, shouldn't i - that makes everything so difficult. after you make that decision, clarity will come. you will be upset for a while, but that too, shall pass. plus he's already moved on. you need to deal with your own marriage whether continuing or ending it has nothing to do with this MM. sort out your life, give yourself time, focus on yourself for a while, and then meet someone who is available, and who is not having affairs left, right and centre. you deserve more than that. when i first broke it off with the MM, i was totally consumed with the thought of him. but i knew that will pass, and within a week it's already much better. if you need to, move, or change jobs or whatever. he is not worth it. you want your life back. don't give the power away. find the strength within. good luck.
Once a high flying career girl today a depressed women (37years)I need help, I have been involved for the last 8 years with an attached man (he is never wed anyway so he said). Met him through work I was working for them they have twins 2 boys. I knew where I was going and thought I would leave after few months but I am still here. I have a teenager daughter (not his) whom is unhappy about the situation because although he spoils me and even pay for my dauther private school fees he will take/withdraw everything back if we have a problem. I stopped working and he would match my salary to keep me at home I depend on him I have lost confidence eventhough I have had my MBA without him knowing I am unsecure. He would be the sweatest man on earth but once things dont go his way it is insults, diminishing world basically abuses!!!!if my daughter intervene he hates her and insult her.
We have split in the past but after few months told me he had left his partner took him back he moved in with me all seem to be fine Igot pregnant had a beautiful boy I had the support of his mum and his family,It was all I could wish for. He promised to marry me next year (as he did for the last 5years)Little did I knw that he never left his partner but told her he found a job in a different city!!!! I have the feelings his mother knows all of that.
I am so so sad for my son, I unhappy and want to leave him; should I tell im now or wait until I find where a place to go when the kids are on holidays!!!
You can call me names it ok, I do call myself
Hi stupidme, i am so sorry to hear you are in this situation. it breaks my heart to hear women who put themselves in this situation, and for so long. i think you know deep down what you need to do. You just have to do it. leave this toxic situation now and regain your life back. my gosh you have already wasted 8 years of your life! see a therapist, move to a different city, ask a friend to help! drastic measures are needed now. do something! please! no use sitting there and telling yourself you are depressed and feeling hopeless. do something now, however small. don't let him run your life. he is so not worth it it's not funny. where is your dignity and confidence? it's in you believe me! leave this loser now.
Stupidme, yeah you are stupid. Not only did you bring your daughter into this screwed relationship, you get pregaunt! Look stop the maddness....how can you continue to let this happen to you? Have so self respect and let him know that you are a valid human being and that you don't need him. He is controlling you with money!!!!! You have an MBA, my God, get your life back. I am sorry but I can't feel too much sympathy for you at this point, 8 years!
to strawberrygirl: you really are something else. I really can see why these MM get over on women like yourself. Of course relationships change, but you say he doesn't love his wife, then he should leave! HELLO! What were you suppose to do, tell him no, not until he leaves his wife! Listen you can try to tell us you didn't sleep with him for a few months, and that you had a connection of the minds, and he is so wonderful and kind, that he even introduced you to his best friends, and they are so happy for him because he would never put himself in a cheating situation unless he really loved you, because he is such a good guy!!!!! Are you reading this, does it sound sane to you. Please, his friends are dogs like him, and no other Man will think it's wrong to cheat... it's cool, two women! If your MM is so perfect and doesn't blame his wife then what happened to his marriage that he's so humble not to speak bad about his wife...it's that he has the flaws. Strawberrygirl, you are pathetic because you want to convince yourself that he is an honorable, kind, good, man and it's no ones fault that hes turned to you.
It's ironic that he can't be honest with his wife, or he can't seem to let his wife go. So go ahead and continue to support his lies. You deserved what you got coming to you, because as the saying goes, "Pay back is a BITCH".....OR "What goes around comes around"....oh but your different, I forgot yours is an honorable affair, one that is based on love, commuication, connection and most of becasue he so humbly confessed to his wife and now he isn't a liar either. You Have one Great Guy there, lucky you!!!!!
Mine just ended now. And even though a big part of me misses him, I still say im much better off without him. He got with me as a challenge with his collegues and then it turned into love. I THOUGHT. and thats what he made me belive. He made me feel like im the luckiest woman on earth to have him until we came to a crossroad and his wife started suspecting. He never left his wife until I told him Im going to leave. He left for a week and guess what. He said he missed his old cage. Thats how he described being married. A cage. Thats when I realised what a loser I was to fall for all the lies. Believe me but these type of men are simply very good at lieing and they never stop doing it. Im single and young and for anyone out there who is like me get on with your life. It feels so much better to feel free and not lied to. Find friends and go out to party. It took less than 24 hrs to realise what a fart this guy really is and im happy for his wife to keep her trash cos thats exactly what he is and what they all are.
Mine just ended now. And even though a big part of me misses him, I still say im much better off without him. He got with me as a challenge with his collegues and then it turned into love. I THOUGHT. and thats what he made me belive. He made me feel like im the luckiest woman on earth to have him until we came to a crossroad and his wife started suspecting. He never left his wife until I told him Im going to leave. He left for a week and guess what. He said he missed his old cage. Thats how he described being married. A cage. Thats when I realised what a loser I was to fall for all the lies. Believe me but these type of men are simply very good at lieing and they never stop doing it. Im single and young and for anyone out there who is like me get on with your life. It feels so much better to feel free and not lied to. Find friends and go out to party. It took less than 24 hrs to realise what a fart this guy really is and im happy for his wife to keep her trash cos thats exactly what he is and what they all are.
Angela is correct!
He controlls you with the money!
A long time ago I was in a r with a guy (available, but with 2 sons and a w woman he alwas talked about, assuring me it was finished along time ago - but he always HAD to talk about her). He bought me a lot of stuff I never asked for and he never allowed me to pay if we were in the shop. He was extremely jalouse and I was unexperienced with behaviour like that. We never lived together or had a life together, except for him visiting me all the time, livinig in my place, controlling everything and messing up the house. He had no respect and I think he did it with purpose to make me clean the house everetime he had been there. Every evening the bathroom (walls, mirror etc was full of toothpaste). He said something about "paying half the rent", but I never understood the sign and what that ment. It was just a plain abusive relationship with a violent controllfreak. I ended it, and gave back all the stuf. If we fight, he even wanted back shoes, and clothes. Well. I have thrown away everything he "gave" me. He is now 50, and still live with his parents. His mothers washingmachin broked down and she now uses the washingmachine he "gave" to me. I also had to pay for moving the things to his (his parents) place. He treats his mother like a slave and was looking for a woman to treat like he treats her.
6 years ago, almost 7 now, she walked into my office and into my life, i was never looking for her, she just appeared. my life was good, happy marriage, 1 daughter, fun job, great friends and then bang! the lies, the mental torment, the visits to councelling, the truth from the start to my wife that i had an affair, i begged my wife to let me go so i couldn't hurt her anymore, never happened. i am a good man, a loving kind gentle man. a man with good values and integrity. I read the nasty hateful comments towards men, i am human, i have faults, i make mistakes, i fell in love without even having time to think about it. fortunately or unfortunately for me i met the most amazing woman, i never speak poorly or badly about my wife, i never belittle her, put her down, but, sometimes in this life not everything is premeditated, planned. From the moment that i laid eyes on her i was taken aback, it threw me, it confused me, it frustrated me, it excited me. it made me sick, i lost my job over it. after 3 years of the most excruciating, beautiful love of my life, i ended it after 3 years, i walked away from her, she didn't want to give up, said that she'd wait forever. i hurt for months on end after that, i missed her, i missed being with her then the pain finally subsided, dimmed down but never really left me, i thought about her every single day of my life, i lived with the pain and the guilt, i sought advise and help, found nothing, she appeared again, now its all happening again, maybe just maybe i will accept that she is the tue love of my life and sometimes people, sometimes it's true and it's real and we do fall in love with someone else. Its blinding love. have we all become so sad and sceptical and bitter that we don't want people to love?
to vande, why didn't you just leave your wife? How could she make you stay. Don't blame her, you were a coward, because as much as you say you love this OW, you weren't very sure of that love. Integrity, values, good, loving? HELLO,
I so needed to read this. Six months ago I met this amazing guy. We hit it off. Went to get drinks a few times. Then he asked for my number and we've been dancing around making date plans. But . . . something in the pit of my stomach makes me suspect this guy is married. He's never mentioned a wife, just that he has his son "for the weekend", but . . . I don't know . . . something just feels wrong. How do we find out if they are married? I'd hate to lose this guy if he's single, but I don't want anything to do with him if he's not. How can I find out? I have no idea.
To kallalilly: Trust your intuition. The answer is there.
Strawberry girl:
Why are you really on this site? You are not looking for help you are looking for validation and if you truly read these posts you will see NO one including the OW or OP validates what you are doing.
You and I have chatted before in fact it has been at least a couple of years, you are not going to get it and it is pointless to try to help you get it.
Its like an addiction for you and until you really want help no one can help you.
If your mate, affair partner, soul mate, whatever you want to call him truly loved you and adored you, he'd be gone from his marriage in a heart beat. There would be NO excuse, not even his kids that would keep him from "following his heart" as you say.
Love is not something you fall into put something you grow to do. You grow to love someone if it is true, real love.
I talk to men and women all the time who are in affairs or just finding out that their spouse is cheating you'd be amazed at how it REALLY works.
So please save your justification and excuses as to why you and your affair partner are still involved for someone they will work on. They will NEVER work on me.
All I can say to you is good luck in 5, 10 years when your asking yourself "Why you wasted so many years." Good luck when his wife DOES find out and HE chooses her. Good luck healing from the pain you not only inflicted on yourself put some many others. Good luck Strawberry Girl. You'll look back someday and remember what you have said here to so many and I wish you all the best in dealing with the emotional turmoil you will be dealing with than, OH yeah and your children.
GOOD LUCK and GOD'S SPEED
Kate
Angela, i have not read once in this blog why married men are driven to seek satisfaction elsewhere? The woman i married has become boring, has zero motivation, has no pride in herself and i'm supposed to find that attractive? And before you blame ME for her issues and problems, take into account that i have spent my life working my guts out for her and my children, my sole motivation has always been that my family was well looked after, i have NEVER had any assistance, both my children are at school, she dosn't want to work or contribute financially, i get home and cook and clean. I have never felt love like the so called OW gives me and its flattering, she is motivated and positive and balanced, you tell me why i should not find this an attractive proposition? And finally, i stayed for my childrens sake,i decided to walk away from the OW 3 years to give my marriage a chance, for my kids sake and well being. bad idea. Some women honestly need to take a look at themselves and have some accountability for their husbands need to find love elsewhere, we are more than bread winners!!
Vande -
"(I) can also sympathize with the fact that some marriages don't work. People get married too young, fall in and out of love, change, grow... have kids that either one of them or both of them didn't actually want or didn't actually think about. Money, careers, in laws... there are a lot of reasons..."
That's just from this HUB, which clearly you didn't read. There's many more articles on this blog that I wrote about why married men are driven to seek satisfaction elsewhere. Obviously, you didn't read those either.
Nobody thinks you're supposed to "find that attractive." And to your other comment, of course people believe in love.
Nothing in this article says what you're insinuating it does. This article just points out that you're a coward for not dealing with it like a man. You're a liar and a cheater. Claiming you were "staying for the kids sake" is such bullshit. You've set a great example for your kids: You've taught your daughters to have no self respect and to expect and accept being cheated on. You've taught your sons to be liars and assholes. Way to go.
You've convinced yourself you're the victim. Grow some balls. If you don't want to be married, then don't be married. Man up, tell your wife, get divorced and move on. You're not attracted to your wife - fine. You can't stand her and don't like her - FINE. With the energy you've put into deceiving your family and being a numbnuts you could have been divorced by now.
Veronica,
Your interesting, i have balls and i'm far from a coward, and i'm certainly not the victim. My daughters are two extremely balanced, beautiful women who have a whole heap of self respect. And your right, i do need to get divorced and move on. I will look at the other blogs as per your suggestion and recommendation, i'm sure i'll find some interesting reading. As for your comments, you should refrain from "smashing" people into the ground, obviuosly sensitivity dosn't fit with you so well, must be a bitch living each day with such vitriol and hatred towards people whose lives are not as balanced as yours, assist people, don't damage them!
Lucky I'm not in America Veronica!
I know. You're in Australia.
Australia George Town Telstra Internet
Canberra ACT2601
IP 203.45....
along way from Canberra......your good value Veronica and i do understand what your saying. Thankyou.
I wouldn't call anyone a whore and in my eyes the man and the woman having sex when one is married are both equally culpable.
I like myself way too much to have ever been a 'second' so no married men and I am possessive so my men have no others and I wouldn't pick one that would. I don't much like liars either and that comes part and parcel with cheating.
I haven't typically had a lot of this. Look there is no excuse.
Have to say that empty hole they are trying to fill isn't going to be filled by an 'other'. My opinion, best to fix themselves first (therapy), then either repair or finish whatever relationship they are in, then worry about another if the first one is over, in that order.
For the record, I love Iðunn.
No one writes to me because they want to be coddled and bullshitted. They write to me for the truth, for the "three martini response," for the ass kicking. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. You know if you're a dick. And you're probably writing to me to air that out.
We've all fucked up. I've made huge mistakes in my life, and I get alot of emails and comments from people that have, too. I support those people when they are questioning, or feeling confused, or looking for thoughts on how to fix what they did. However, I have a low tolerance for people that don't own what they did. And an extremely low tolerance for anyone who misquotes me or claims I didn't say something I said in the same freaking article they are commenting on. Grrr.
Part of the reason, and Iðunn can confirm this, I think that people write to me with their dirty secrets and sins, is because I'm the first to say I am also dirty, and guilty, or stupid, or mistaken, or whatever else. I relate. And I swear I really do care, very much, or I wouldn't get so involved. I was once young, misguided, wrong, stupid, delusional, and confused. I don't judge anyone who comes here open and willing to own their shit.
And those that don't, that wind up feeling judged, are still welcome to come here and work on their shit. But they have to know I'm gonna kick a little ass. They wouldn't be here if they didn't want that.
I keep an odd distance from this Hub. I explained why a long time ago in comments. 'Felt the need to swoop in today, though.
Vande, read this one -
http://hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Married_Men
It's not your situation, but alot of the framework may apply. Or not. I'm sure you'll let me know.
Namaste
For the record, I love you too. ((Veronica))
Veronica, nothing is good without honesty. I don't think you should back down from that ever. And yes, we all made mistakes which is how we learn and we can all have compassion for those who are floundering.
The frustrating ones are the ones who keep making the same mistakes because they won't examine their part of a situation. If they don't do that, they will never be happier.
And it's frustrating because you care about them, that is the sign of caring. Apathy would be the opposite.
Veronica, your the first person to point out some truths in my life and identify some of my weaknesses, the life of betrayal, lies and dishonestly has eaten a hole through me , i have become the person that i was always so adamant that i wouldn't become, i never thought that the simple act of falling in love could bring so much misery and so much happiness in the same vane. i'm going to write on this blog the full story. what i was and what i have become.
HERE! HERE! Veronica, I couldn't of said it better to Vande. Why is it that MM always think of themselves as the victims. JUST TELL THE TRUTH AND GET THE DIVORCE!!!! I would have rather been told my Husband he didn't want me anymore, hurt for awhile and then get over it. Instead I was cheated on and never was told by all the idoits he worked with, or our so called friends, who knew.....to be made a fool of is the worst feeling than to know the truth, and move on.....OW and MM are just cowards, selfish, and they have the flaws in their characters.
Vande, it's too bad your fastasy is reality to you. And I have so my emapty for your wife, who you never gave a choice to. Good luck Vande, your gonna need it.
hi people..
i'm currently in a relationship with a married man, he's 17 years my senior. i love him so much and i'm still looking for ways on how i can break-up with him. he's 36 and i'm 19. although i don't want to believe things he say, like how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me, and that he's after my well-being and that he's not after s*x and that he's really in love with me, still i end up believing everything he say.
there are times that i realized that he's just after sex, as what my best friend is telling me. but every time i confront him about it, he always deny it and he keeps on telling me that he loves me.
gee, i really don't know what to believe. one moment i realized that he's just fooling me, the next moment, when he talks with me, my realization just disappears and i just believe what he tells me.
this guy is so complicated, i mean i even talked with his former friend and confirmed issues about him like he's not really separated with his wife (although that is what he keeps on telling me), and that he's just a sweet talker and that he's not up for the truth. .
he was my professor, but was kicked out from our school because of an issue (with regards to girls), the issue was confirmed to me to be true by his friend.
despite of these facts, i still believe that there is something good in him. and that he's capable of changing and loving me for real.
gee, i want to get him out of my system, i want to wake up from this nightmare. i'm so confused.
i hope i can be okay sooner..
guys, i need your prayers and your advices..
thanks..
Sometimes it is really hard to accept for yourself things you used to criticize about others. It’s been a year now I’m in a relationship with a married man. He’s very handsome, 12 years my senior (I’m 34) and I’m still in love with him. We spend a lot of time (+nights) together every week and we have a lot of things in common, concerning hobbies and every day routines. All the above sounds wonderful, was it not accompanied with a constant feeling of guilt. I feel guilty, because I never thought it possible for me to be in a relationship with another woman’s man! But here I am, doing exactly that for a year now...
At the beginning it was just fun. But after some months, some other feelings came up, which I never thought myself capable of having. And I wonder...
What am I trying to prove by keeping this relationship? Am I having a ‘competition’ with his wife? Am I trying to prove that I’m capable of winning the man I want? Is he more desirable, just because he is more difficult to have? Would I still want to be with him if his wife found out about our relationship and left him? Is it true love or just an obsession, an infatuation?
I really feel confused at times. Confused about myself and the things I did not know about me... Anyway, I don’t blame him about all this, he’s got his reasons and I’m definitely not the one to judge him. What I really want is to focus on me and my needs and get out of this relationship and feel free again as soon as possible.
There is also a thought that helped me a lot. It may prove useful to other women in a similar situation: even if he was to leave his wife and be with me, I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BUILD MY HAPPINESS ON ANOTHER WOMAN’S MISERY.
i thought so
just end it and don't look back. you already heard the truth about him. you're only 19, please you haven't even lived and there is so much you haven't done. don't continue to believe this liar. he got kick out the school, because of girls, HELLO! you are to young to start your life being in so called love with this fool. just tell him your done, before you waste your youth hoping that he really loves you.....man, i hope you open your eyes and think with your brain, and not your heart.....
I was very strongly against people who cheated - and still am - although now I have been on both sides I begin to understand. In my case, I was seeing the love of my life on and off for many years. Living in different states, and my refusing to move (we were both emotional cripples) I accepted that we couldn't be together immediately, but I always thought we would be.
Then one day, he contacted me out of the blue and told me he had a child. He'd done this before, as a joke. I didn't believe him until I saw the photos. I was so upset, I cried for a week. It was an accident, it happened quickly, he said. I told him he needed to leave me alone - I loved him but I just couldn't have anything to do with him anymore. He left me alone for 3 months, then called me again. I refused to see him. Then 12 months later, he contacted me again. We spoke and I thought after so long not seeing each other I was strong enough to see him as friends (even though deep down I still loved him). It didn't end with just talking - he initiated and although I despise my own weakness I couldn't say no. I was so upset afterwards I told him I wanted to speak next time he was in town, to get closure. When we did, he told me he wouldn't leave the kids. But things happened again. I love him and I have no self control around him. I hate what I am doing, how I am being treated - and the fact it could hurt other innocent people (even if he does not love her - he says they are not married - she has done nothing wrong and she is the mother of his children after all).
I'm not proud of myself. He is a liar, he is lying to both of us. I know that. Understand that while there are some predatory women out there, there are some who are just as much victims as the man's wife. Who love men who take advantage of them.
Angela
every time i start to put distance between us, he senses it.. he started to be sweet and always tell me that he's after my well-being and that he just wants what's best for me. yes somehow his ideas, words of wisdom, advices, his comments about me really do help, that's why somehow i believe that he's really after what's good for me.
are MM's really that kind? i mean are they really that good in making you feel so special? this is my first time to enter this kind of relationship that's why i'm so confused. i really love him,i may be blinded.
is it really impossible for MM's to be true to what they are saying? what do they need us for? oh my...
Anglea, such harsh comments. "i never gave my wife a go"? be real, i gave the best part of my life to this woman with very little in return. Selfish and cowardly, far far from the truth, and no, i never acted like the victim and will never see myself as the victim. I have now moved out and into an appartment on my own, i have asked the OW to stand back a bit here to give me space to adjust to a new life and give my kids the time that they need to adjust to this unsettling situation for them. I am so thankful that the OW entered my life, she has made me see that i am entitled to be happy, to laugh and dance. We all have our own ways and methods of finding happiness, which we are entitled to.
I poured my heart out on this website two years ago, and I just randomly found this website again. Its interesting reading about how much pain and suffering the affair put me through, and how much my life has changed for the better since I left the MM for good.
About a year and a half ago (6 months after posting here), I relapsed and briefly took the MM back into my life. The relapse was partly due to my own faulty insecurities and constant rejection from other men in the dating world. A year ago, I had a sudden realization that the MM was indeed a sack of shit, when I texted him that I was having a bad day and needed someone to talk to, and his response was that he was too busy to talk. I looked around and said to myself, "My God, I deserve better than this!!" I literally remember the exact moment as I was driving in my car, when I realized it was over for good. Since then, I've broken it off completely with the MM. And sure enough, around the same time, I met an absolutely wonderful man that has completely restored my faith in relationships. And he's NOT married! Yay!
Since then, the MM has tried to wedge his way back into my life by calling and texting me every few months. When he sees me at work, his eyes light up and he follows me around trying to talk to me. That BS ends really quick when I throw daggers from my eyes and he gets a nice view of my ass...as I walk away from him. When he calls me, I press "ignore", and he has a nice, short conversation with my voice mail...and I never return his call. The best part is that he knows that no matter how hard he tries, he will never have a chance with me again...because I know now that I deserve better.
The only good thing that has come from the affair is that I know that he is the person I NEVER want to be.
I wish anyone here in an affair with a MM the best of luck. It was the worst 3 years of my life, and I will never let anyone take advantage of me like that ever again. If you are in an affair...please find the courage to leave. It's not worth the pain.
vande, good to hear you have moved out and now your wife has a chance at happiness. as harsh as you say my words are you write you are so happy that this OW came into your life and that's....great, i don't take that a way from you but the fact of the matter is that in the beginning you were a Coward, cheating is cheating, not just on your wife but your children. It's great that you are now thinking in them. all you talk about is the negitivate sides of your wife, if you knew all these things, why did you marry her, seems you never saw anything good in the woman you married. I don't know maybe i am just tired of the crap MM seem to use as excuses for their unhappiness. could it be that they are flawed in some way. I believe you and any other person has a right in finding happiness. maybe you should read your posts and tell me if you make out like the victim.
anyway, i do wish you happiness, but most of all those children you have and the for the woman you married.
i thought so, look at it this way....how do you make him feel. mm lie it's the adoring reflection in yours eyes that they see themselves in. it's all about how they feel. and they get their egos fed. listen to me, the OW in my husbands life told me, he was good for her, supported her in everything she did. she went so far as to say they were in love. i realize it was his BS that she fell in love with and that he used her and convinced her with words to continue to use her.
it's hurts like hell to even write this to you, we have been married 33 years, and this was 25 years ago. I spoke with her in 2007, and she still spoke with love and admiration about him.....tell me, how pathetic and sad she must feel because she wasted six years and got absolutely nothing in return but the memeories of what she feels was a good thing. she is still alone, she told me. but the saddest thing she doesn't believe she did anything wrong!
this OW could be you.....
Angela,
yesterday my mm called me, we talked for about three hours. and during that talk, i tried to test him, as like what i read in this hub, about how he's gonna react when i raised the topic about marriage. i can say he was surprised, but he told me he perfectly understands me, that it's normal for me to be ideal about marriage. IDEAL, wtf, it's every girl's dream, and for him to consider it just an idea, it rattled me, i almost put the phone down. but as usual he explained it in a manner that appears that he's thinking of my future and my welfare blah blah.. he told me it's possible, but is not feasible yet in the moment, because he's still not legally separated with his wife and that he wants me to have my career first, and that we're gonna work on it (being together)blah blah blah.
reading the first part of your post, its like a perfect description of how my mm treats me, supporting me, constantly advising me and teaching me facts of life. before, i thought he's really concerned about me, for real. but seeing how mm's act, thanks to those who share their stories here, now it's as if i always have a counterattack with everything he says and does. at the back of my mind, i always ask myself if he's doing a certain thing, like being concerned about my career because he really wants me to succeed, or because he just wants me to think that he's so concerned and that i can never think of putting him down for another guy, for another life, for living morally right.
sometimes, there are moments that i feel that he's only concerned about himself. that he's not there when i need him, but when he needs me, i always have to be there. Before, i feel like a good samaritan, the hero, playing the role of a good girlfriend, always ready to give him a hug, a kiss, more than a kiss, so on and so forth.. although sometimes i feel like he’s just using me, i always shrugg off the idea, letting myself believe that he truly loves me, and that i’m happy as long as i make him happy.
We don't see each other everyday, it's lucky if i can see him once a week. Luckier if it’s twice. We don’t see each other in my place, or in his.. we have to always go in hiding. At first i accept this, but now, i don’t think i still can.
He told me he’s not living with his wife anymore, i believed it whole heartedly before i discovered this hub. But when i read your stories guys, i started to doubt what he says about his situation with his family (although he didn’t say anything offensive about his wife, he doesn’t even want to talk about her, telling me that it’s unfair).
Maybe this is real craziness, but just recently i started to research about his wife, their address (coz i don’t even know where he lives, his phone number etc.) i didn’t tell him about this, i think he hasn’t even got a clue about it. I found out that they’re still living under one roof, and that i tried to call the number, and guess what, a young girl answered the phone, must be one of his two kids.
I was frustrated, i am frustrated, i’m giving him my everything yet he’s giving me nothing. He won’t tell me things about himself, like about his life 10 years, 20 years ago. He just talks about how tiring his work is, about how he spent his time with the kids (since he told me that he just visits the kids every weekend, because they are with their mom). If i were not to ask, he won’t tell a thing. Unlike i that became so transparent, that i hardly hide a thing from him. I always let him know my schedule, my plans.. although he lets me know his, i doubt if it’s true.
I want to let go of him but i can’t, yet. I’m afraid.. i love him so much that i’m terrified by it. Regardless what i found out, i’m still into him. But i’m trying, i’m trying really hard. I’m trying to see him beneath the man he wants me to believe he is. So far, i’m on the run for deconstructing what he constucted on my mind.
Thanks so much guys, you opened up a new perspective. I will always keep you posted.
Angela, thanks for helping me see what i might/will be if my craziness about him continue.
Veronica, i thank you for having a hub like this. I’m glad to know i’m not alone, and that there are people who’s ready to listen toyou, even if they don’t know you personally, and offer advices, helpful advices. I always read the stories, the comments in here whenever i feel like my mm’s getting into my nerves again
Gee, sorry for being emotional, it’s just that i really find this hub helpful.
Good hub! There are plenty of ethical single men out there looking for a good woman. We reap what we sow. Why waste your life on it.
What I hate most about all of this tribe and dialog is the generalization and judgment. Every single situation is different. I have been the married woman and the other woman... in that order. I have known men to cheat on their wives because they could and men who did it because they couldn't help themselves (no matter how much they tried). Sometimes a man doesn't leave because he loves the man that he believes he has become. He wants to see himself always as the protector and the provider. It's hard to reconcile that while you are feeling guilty for being happy with someone else.
And sometimes a man just cheats, because there is a thrill and a rush to doing it -- no different than gambling. There are a lot of people -- male and female -- who get kicks out of polygamous behavior. I knew a man in Kentucky (supposedly an upstanding church man in the community) who had a thirteen children with his wife in a house on one side of town and seven children on the other side of town with his mistress. He paid for both households outright. He educated every last one of the children (including graduate degrees for six of them). And eventually both women knew about each other and said not a mumbling word (at least not in a public court of law) while he shuffled between the two. As I understand it, both women got more flowers, jewelry, vacations and quality time than the average wife. Go figure.
On the less polygamous side, there are some men and women who have been emotionally and/or sexually abused, and it may take them years (and a special person other than their spouse) to find a sensual safe haven. So please stop making the "other woman" out to be such a vicious home wrecker. Every "other woman" is not a whore. Sometimes the other woman is the wife; she is the person that guy was supposed to marry. I've seen it in religious settings a hundred times. Parents, the community, sometimes the girl herself, pushes a marriage. A weak guy acquiesces. And another lukewarm marriage heads off towards divorce. You can't really blame anyone in this situation; all parties are victims of circumstance. However everyone would be best off just conceding the truth and letting nature take its course. The man and the other woman find love and the wife has the freedom to be loved the way by someone else the way that she deserves to be loved. But when society judges each one so harshly (the other woman's a slut, the man's a dog, and the wife's a fool), it's hard to just move on.
I'm still wondering to this day how all of this works... or doesn't. But I'll tell you, I wasn't perfect as a wife and I'm a far cry from wrong as the other woman. I just know that I'm happy now that I'm true to me. And that's all that matters in my world.
paticia, i see that you were the wife and the ow. okay, i can understand you'v been on both sides. why is it that people have to cheat, just freakin' leave the marriage. why, being the ow woman, don't you just tell the mm "no", not until he's are free. is there no self control, or self respect? Come on! if it's true that the ow and mm have found their true loves, then why make it dirty, because that's what you do when you cheat. the mm should man up and the ow should have self respect. why do this to other person, as you said give the wife the opportunity to be happy and to know what she has for a husband. as for society judging harshly, well maybe some of us have some morals, or believe that what's rigt is right. i can totally understand that people fall out of love or in love, but to be so cowardly to ignore the innocent person in the middle, or the children, if any, why is it that we women do this to other women, especially if they have a family. when are we women going have empathy for each other? when will women stop letting men control us with our own emotions.
HELLO!!!!!!
Veronica,
No advice you gave couldn't be more true! The women who feel the need to mess around with married men will never realize the profound damage they create in the married couple's relationship. Trust is lost. Kids are damaged and lose faith in goodness and trust of the parent. Wife loses self esteem and confidence. The intimacy in the couples marriage is damaged. There is emotional stress on the surrounding family. Everyone goes through a mourning process in which some of the family can never get over and will never trust again. As you can see NOTHING good comes out of messing around with someone elses spouse, you are nothing more than a selfish person, acting without thinking of the consequences and horrible damage you inflict on the innocent. So before you go looking around for married men, you had better think of others first, make the choice to not shatter the lives of so many people just because you want self gratification.
veronica, THANK YOU!!!!!
Having been in a long-term relationship where my man cheated on me, I was one of the worst critics of women who had relationships with married men, until I found myself being one. I heard all of the same lies that almost every woman in previous posts has said...your cheating lover will tell you the affair was his wife’s fault because she doesn't give him sex or is mean to him (trust me, he is still having sex with his wife), he is staying with her for the children, it's a relationship of convenience, he really loves you...blah blah blah, and you all know to get the shovel because the bull you hear will continue to get deeper and deeper These men may talk about changing their lives and that you have a future with them, but why would they want to change??? They like the way things are, there is absolutely no sacrifice on their part, they have their wife and girlfriend giving them everything they want. And yes girlfriends, you are the ones that do all the things in the bedroom he wouldn’t dream of asking his wife to do…she doesn’t have to, she’s already got him and he’s not going anywhere!!! All the while making their family and girlfriend suffer from his selfishness and deceit. Please girls, don't kid yourself, if he is lying to his wife, he is lying to you! I, having been the cheated on wife and the other woman, I can tell you that being the mistress and living a half-life with a married man was much more painful than being the cheated on wife. Yes, being the cheated on spouse is a betrayal and painful, but at least as his wife you have the power to decide whether you want to get rid of him or give the marriage another go if you feel it is worth it. Being the girlfriend in his other life leaves you powerless in any decision; the relationship evolves around him, his wants, needs and availability, and him only. It can be very depressing spending holiday after holiday alone. Keep your eyes and ears open for a decent man when he comes along, if you are lucky enough, who will think you are worth having a "whole" life with. Never commit yourself to someone that has never committed themselves to you. And fair warning...the cheater likes having you in his life and would like to keep you there for as long as he can, remember, it was never about your happiness, only his...again part of the self serving nature of these relationships. The cheat will not make it easy for you to leave. I'm hoping overall, many "other" women just get tired of the lies and playing 2nd fiddle, it's not a happy life. And always remember... the married man has already chosen the person he is going to spend his life with, and thus far, he has not done anything to prove that wrong!!!
Angela - you're welcome!!
Im feeling guilty to have an affair and this is why I'm reading all these comments. He's an attached guy with 3 children. I met him three years ago and I stopped seeing him for a year. I don't have anyone to love and it happens I have developed depression. Feeling worthless and lonely. I...see him again couple days ago. I'm beating myself up and crying.
Rachel -
I wrote you your own HUB, I hope you'll read it.
http://hubpages.com/hub/New-Doors-Cant-Open-Til-Ol
V
I have been married for going on 4 years. My husband was cheating on me since the beginning of our relationship,and I turned a blind eye to it. I was deeply hurt by the whole situation but I kept my mouth shut because I did not have hard proof of his infidelity. Being that I kept my mouth shut he got sloppy in his affair.
It is very easy to feel angry about the other woman and call her a whore and many other things but who holds the obligation to you? I think it is fair to be angry with both parties. One, because the other woman is a woman too and you'd think that she'd think about you and what if she were in your situation. Two, your husband/boyfriend/significant other is the one that is betraying you.
My husband carried on with this woman for 2 and a half years, even through my pregnancy. What the other woman needs to understand is that the wives of these married men are not necessarily weak, we mostly have children and think very profoundly of the decisions that we have to make because we do end up having to explain to our young children that mommy and daddy no longer exist together, if you can understand that.
My husband's mistress felt as if I were the other woman because I had heard a series of voice messages and read some text messages, they were very disturbing. At this point I was 9 months pregnant with our 2nd daughter and I had enough. One night he got so drunk that he passed out on the couch and was receiving a call at 12:30 AM, naturally, I want to know who is calling my husband and sure enough it was her. I hear her calling him baby and it hurt me so bad to know that they have pet names for eachother. I instantly woke him up, slapping him and yelling, I was calling her back to get more info from her but she wouldn't pick up the phone, to be honest I think she wanted him to get caught, maybe not. We argued and I left him, a week later I gave birth to the baby and being a woman I was overwhelmed with the baby, I let him back in the house. Things seemed to be going well, one night we went out to eat, I left my phone at home(just a note, my phone used to be his phone, I'm sure when he passed it down to me he told her not to call that # anymore, I had the phone for about a year, with no incidents) and when we returned from outside I had a missed call from his lover. When my husband saw my missed calls,it displays brightly on the screen, he was so angry and asked me if I had been calling her. I told him to call her on speaker phone and I wanted to hear the conversation. He did and sure enough he's like didn't I tell you not to call me anymore, she's like cursing him out and saying "whatever, I'm gonna call you." At that time I took the phone and asked her what the deal is with her because I'm not gonna be the sucker anymore. She hung up on me and didn't want to pick up her phone afterwards when I called her to clarify if she is in love with my husband or something, I wasn't gonna curse her out or anything, after all, I'm sure he exagggerated and told her a whole bunch of lies about me.
He did fess up and I do believe that he is not doing anything now but when we do get into arguments, which is common, he says that he doesn't know what I'm doing when I go and visit my family in NY, so I bring up the fact that he has no ground to stand on, I've never cheated on him not even by a conversation. He calms down but I still feel hurt by his betrayal. I'm really not sure if I will ever trust him.
I hope my entry makes some kind of sense to everyone. Thanks for reading it.
lucy, you make alot of sense. i was in my late twenties, only married six years, and he decided he wanted someone else,with her the year before i got pregaunt with my second child, and stayed with her for five more years. i knew in my gut there was someone else. but i couldn't or wouldn't see it or accept it. the pain is still the same, it will not go away. the trust isn't great. at the time being young, i thought my world would end if he left me, so i held on and kept thinking he become the man i married, here i am 33 years married, i am 52 years old and guess what? the hurt of the betrayal is still there. i love this man, but the memories of that time are so clear and so painful. life is too short to pour yourself into a life of wondering....sometimes we woman have to be strong and move on instead of letting our husbands hurt us....i beleive that the children would be happier, the wife would be happier and so would the husband. don't live with that ache in your heart, if he is still cheating. remember mm always accuses the wife of infidelity, when they are guilty of it, its' the cowards way clearing there guilt. so be strong.
Angela,
If it's been that many years and you still feel the pain like it was the other day (or so it seems in your post...) and it still tears you up, are you still married? I am not asking in any shape of criticism, just as someone who's felt the same way off and on for I guess 4 years now. We've never went for therapy as my husband doesn't really want to deal with what happened, what he did. He'd rather pretend it's all over since he has "dealt with it". I read a lot of marriage/affair sites afterwards and the overall opinion was that you could salvage a marriage but only if you both would put your energy and efforts into it. I've realized that my marriage is just dying this horrible death that isn't healthy for me, probably isn't healthy for him, not for our kids, our families or anyone I suppose. I'm torn up that I'm here, I never wanted such a thing to happen to me. And I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I wish people, men and women both would take marriage vows so much more seriously. If you want to be able to play the field, don't get married. That would be my advice to anyone. I hope as my life progresses that I never fall into the temptation of sleeping with another woman's husband as I wouldn't want to inflict this on anyone else. I hope that when my husband and I do separate, which seems to be where we are heading that I can let go, forgive and just move on for me. I don't want to keep going on this way, where just the odd thing or memory can drag up so much pain. Do you know what I mean? The other day I was telling someone an innocent thing about our family and I realized that there was "another" story which involved my husband and her with that situation...you know, I try to push it down and away but it doesn't go away. I've been married 9 years and have spent most of my adult life with this man. That's a lot to just end but I know women and men do this all the time...it's just this time it's me and it's hard. But I do have a belief that once I'm there, beyond this, a lot of good can come into my life. The peace and the happiness that I want in my life. I know forgiveness is key and I've forgiven him many times but the hurt doesn't seem to go away. I read somewhere the best way to get rid of bad memories is to keep living and make a lot of new good memories. I understand all these "other women" are in love and in pain also but you know, I didn't have the choice they had...the OW in my life knew my husband was married...and my husband choose to cheat on me with her and with others...but I wouldn't have chosen any of this for myself and no one actually gave me a choice. If my husband could have just told me right from the start he couldn't be faithful to me I wouldn't have chose to stay. I did after the affair for all the reasons most of the wives stay, kids, love, life, hope, belief but unfortunately for me now, or perhaps others would think it's a good thing, I think my marriage is ending. And the funny thing is, I just wish my husband was a bit more empathetic to me...I'm the one who was hurt...but that doesn't seem to be the way it is. And by the way, I'd never describe myself as weak, which is what we wives are perceived to be by others...
@ Angela, what you say is very true. To be honest I think that I have a problem, I guess mentally, that dates back to childhood. My dad was a constant cheater and he physically abused my mom as well, she stood by him. She finally left in 2002, after 26 years of a painful marriage. My siblings and I tell mom all the time that she should have left him because they both messed our heads up in some way.
I know that I am an adult, 27 years old,but I really do believe that there are some deep rooted issues with why I have stood with this man.
I tell my husband all the time that he is a good provider and husband, by the way I work, but he is just not husband material. Although he fessed up and we are trying to get past this betrayal, I still find it hard to deal with, being that it's only been a year since everything hit the fan. He has been on his best behavior but I still just do not trust him and there are times when I sleep in the guest room because I think of him sleeping with his lover and having her naked body,sweat,saliva on him, kissing him and vice versa. I also wonder what they talked about, I'm supposed to be his confidant!! I'm supposed to be his shrink. I understand that I have to get past this and I have told him that if I can't then I just can't stay with him. I don't want to go through life always thinking if he's up to his old tricks again.
When he was having his affair, he was at the barber shop every week and now he'll go 2-3 weeks without a cut, supposedly to prove to me that he's not doing anything, but I don't want him to sacrifice grooming to prove me that.
He is trying to give me time and told me that he he understands that I need time to heal. Now, these feelings are once in a while. Generally we have begun to heal as couple and have started to "meet" eachother again. We met when I was young, again I'm 27 years old and he is 40 years old. We "hooked up", moved in together,got married and had children shortly thereafter, this is all in a matter of 1 year. He is more of a family man now and actually spends time with us, we go to the park and have family outings, things that we never used to do. I guess it's true what people say "you never know what you have until you lose it" and I kicked him out, I don't know where he was at when I did but I'm pretty sure he went to his lovers's home.
He probably saw then that I can't be duplicated, no one can be, I am not unique to this phenomenon. But, back to what I was saying, I read somewhere that sometimes some marriages become stronger after infidelity so long as the cheater, man or woman, fesses up, and the couple work on combating the issues together and work on TRYING to build trust in the relationship again. I think that my husband and I are doing that but I do also think that we should seek counseling, because to be quite frank, I know that I can't and don't know how to overcome the feelings of hurt and deception bymyself and maybe I just need that extra help. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But, again he does seem like a new man, only thing is that I don't need to accept his apology once he offended and betrayed me, with that attitude I won't get anywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I'm giving him too much leniency, for lack of a better term, and sometimes I don't want to be too hard on him because I do genuinely love him. And I did take my vows I can't let him live the rest of his life feeling like he is being crucified for what he did, and I can't live the rest of my life holding a grudge against him either. I believe in forgiveness but it just takes time.
sue, i totally understand and know just how your feel. i am still married, going on 34 years. you see for me it's painful because he did confess to me in 2007. oh, i knew but never accept that gut feeling. my pain in very fresh, it doesn't matter how long it's been the cut is a fresh as the day it was done. the wondering, of what they did, talked about, laughed about, did he do this like with me or that, all the freakin' question of what? he was with her from 1984 to 1990....and talking with the ow woman, she still spoke about him as this great, wonderful man, who supported her and was so good for her. i know she is still in love with him and couldn't deal with the break up, so she moved out of state. she so went so far as to tell me what a wonderful father he was, because of his interaction with her son, then 9yrs old. that hurt, his child was 7, for 6/7 years he help with her son. but in the end i heard the love there still for him, and guess what she is alone. sue, you are still young and have a chance.
lucy, i really feel for you, because of my father abandoning me, i guess is my reasons for accepting my husbands cheating. i grew up without him and he left my mother for an ow, who he married and raised her two sons. at 12 years old, the oldest of five, i promised that i would be married forever so that i would have the family i never had.
i just don't know ladies, it sucks and so much damage is done to both the ow, but the wife is the innocent one and never had the choice.
Angela,
My husband brought his sons and our oldest around his "friend" during the time. I found out more recently how often. She has a son too. My husband really got along with her brother. Most of the times when I am thinking clearly I know for a fact that his affair(s) was all about him. His father was a serial cheater (but that's not why he does it, ask him) and my personal gut feeling has always been that my husband has a lot of insecurities and that was the biggest problem. And when I look back and I think about it my husband didn't have a steady job for a long time, we were barely making it-and sometimes flat out were not making it, and yes, I did expect my husband to support me and the children....and then as I got a job that grew into a better job and I became the primary breadwinner for quite a big portion of our marriage, and I was unhappy with all of that...so I know we had problems but I always felt like as a married couple you should attempt to work on your problems, talk to each other...but my husband took the easy route. Of course his OW was more fun and more romantic...let's be honest, me sitting at home trying to figure out how to cover rent and utilities with little help from the husband, taking care of not only our kids that we had, 2 small girls, and his oldest son lived with us and his other son visiting a lot...in the past year or so he's been employed at a job that is a good fit for him and doing well and I do think that he hasn't been in contact with her and we are doing much better now overall but the damage is already done. He thinks I don't trust him, that I am always talking about the affair...the funny part of that is some of that is him. He projects that on to me, whether its because he is up to something wrong or it's just out of guilt I don't know but somehow it's always me. I grew up in a world where cheating wasn't a focus, my parents are still married, and I just didn't quite get a lot of things until a lot later. I just knew early on something wasn't right but I didn't quite get it. Call me stupid but I'd prefer naive. Then after the crazy ow came to my house to let me know so many things made more sense and honestly, there has been so much pain on my part, my step kids part, even my oldest but she was too young to really understand but I think somehow small children still know when something wasn't right, his family, my family...it's just a lot of damage. And I would imagine she was crazy because she let herself and the relationship get out of control...she basically told me she would be marrying my husband...my husband wasn't going to marry her I can guarantee that. What he let her believe so that she would be there, so that she helped him financially at times (this I know for a fact)...when I think about that I realize that he's made some very bad and mean decisions in his life and why does it seem like he's the one that comes out of this with the least amount of scars? I'm not saying he's happy, because he's not, he hasn't been for years, but if you do have any small shred of conscientious how could you be happy after you'd made such a mess?
I guess if anyone is thinking about having an affair or involving themselves with a married person I would have only one word for them, RUN! The damage is immeasurable and it's not so simple as just get divorced. I guess it is for some people but truly, the greater percentage of people seem to try to give the marriage a chance...whether that works or not in many cases I don't know. My stepson told me he hopes not to become like his dad in this sense but he's afraid he will be knowing the family history...but his dad won't talk to him about it. I think mostly because it will hurt him to talk about it, even though it seems to hurt the rest of us more by not talking about it.
Sue,
I just wanted to say thank you for this comment.
It is amazing, brutal, painful, and eye opening. I just left a comment on my Hub
http://hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Married_Men
asking a commenter to please read your comment here specifically before he does anything stupid. I think you hit alot of the confusion and damage affairs cause, and you did it in a very emotional yet even and balanced way. There is no teacher like experience, is there.
Thanks again, Sue.
Sue,
I just wanted to say thank you for this comment.
It is amazing, brutal, painful, and eye opening. I just left a comment on my Hub
http://hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Married_Men
asking a commenter to please read your comment here specifically before he does anything stupid. I think you hit alot of the confusion and damage affairs cause, and you did it in a very emotional yet even and balanced way. There is no teacher like experience, is there.
I just posted a new hub as a preemptive strike.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-Men-Before-the-Aff
I hope you'll comment there.
Best to you, Sue.
Thanks Veronica for your comment and I did go read the last post in your other hub and I did respond. Hopefully it helps someone, anyone and you are right about experience. Unfortunately what I am learning from personal experience is that trying to save a marriage after an affair has a lot of ups and downs for a long time if it's not done right (ie, my marriage) and that for me I know that when my husband and I have separated and then file for divorce I do believe my life will take a more positive path. Which in some ways says that my life isn't positive now, which isn't true. But I know that being alone is better than living in a marriage where you have no trust, no real support and where an affair keeps coming back up. I know my comments were more suited to other hubs but Angela's post kind of spoke to me so I answered. What real amazes me in this life is that so many people, men and women are so quick to make choices that only benefit themselves for the time being, with no thought to the consequences. What happened to personal responsibility, to commitment, to doing what's right even if it's not what you want to do? I've been hit on by other men while dating and then being married to my husband but I never took anyone up on the offer or led them on, even during the loneliest times in my marriage. I actually over the past few years have taken the stance that I distance myself from any type of relationship that can be misconstrued or that might become more important than that one with my spouse. Sorry, I'm rambling now so I'll go.
Sue,
Thanks so much. I saw your comment for Steve. I give him alot of credit - he hasn't cheated, he's being honest about his feelings which is hard to do, and he's not placing blame or trying to justify anything. He's just being honest. And that's hard.
As of today, I've written 165 hubs and have over 600,000 page views. Sure, some comments may be suited for some hubs, but many of them have crossing connections and points, and I think what you said right where you said it was perfect. I'm glad Angela's post spoke to you, and you felt comfortable enough to share such personal feelings here.
I appreciate all comments, and have learned a great deal from many commenters. I'm glad you don't seem to mind that I singled you out on this out. Maybe it was the day or the timing, but your comment just really felt universal and accessible to me, and I'm sure if Steve tunes back in he'll benefit from reading what you had to say.
lol you're welcome to ramble on any of my hubs anytime ;)
xo
Veronica,
That's a really good point that you've made about Steve not having an affair yet and sharing his feelings. And perhaps that will help him in his decisions along the way as it sounds like this isn't something he'd just jump into. No worries about being singled out...I've actually enjoyed reading your hubs and I've ventured out beyond yours also...and beyond the hubs themselves I like to see how people respond...it's interesting!
Happy writing!!!
I'm a woman approaching 40 who's been in an on and off affair with a man who'd moved into his own apartment in order to date me after he discovered his wife was having an affair. I thought her affair was the absolute end of his marriage. I was naive. Over the last three years, we've tortured each other by trying to be loving and supportive - which would last about 3 months - and then turning around like a Mr/Ms Hyde, we'd do our normal, unintentional damage, him by not being honest to himself or me about leaving a door open for his wife, who wasn't interested, and, just recently, about having begun a new relationship with another woman during our last break-up period - he didn't mention he was now sleeping with someone else when I made contact with him again to try to "be better".
It's my fault for continuing to return to him. I'd get angry from being hurt because he wouldn't file for divorce and then I'd feel sorry that I hadn't been supportive enough to help him face the damage he was suffering so I would go back.
I've learned some incredible life lessons about myself; I've grown-up and gotten healthy because of the insights I got from having practically all my "triggers" set-off by him. And I finally, finally see how impossible a relationship is between him and me.
But he finally had to be the one to say, "don't contact me again; ever" and I'm both freed and lost. I value the freedom; I'm horrified by my own behavior that dumped so much shame and guilt on him that he now is the one who wants nothing to do with me; angry because I have so much reason to have cut him off and yet never left permanently; and I'm scared of being on my own for, what feels like, the first time in my life since I've finally got a clear picture of all the false-selves I've lived through all these years. I'm starting off on a "do over" life and I'm crazy-conflicted with all the possibilities - relieved, happy, optimistic, frightened, dejected, hopeless, willing, I don't know - I've just been cut loose and I know I pushed and pushed until he had to cut me loose so I feel icky about that but I'm glad I'm no longer responsible for "fixing" him.
This is all just happened so I'm still working through the shock of it all.
oil, I do feel bad for you, but you knew he was lying to you and his wife. And what happened his wife found someone, so there went his ego. In his mind, "how dare his wife find someone", he didn't leave the door open because he loved her, it was because he was surprised that she'd do what he'd been doing to her.
I am happy that you finally got the picture. There was no fixing him or his situation. He liked it all the way around, but his ego was deflated when his wife did it too. You were there and that was it, now he has another woman who he probably is playing the victim to. And this time he can tell her his wife is cheating on him. How pathetic is that?
But Oil, keep on growing, get your self respect and worth back. And why are you Shocked, remember you fell for his lies and decet. At least you are out of it. We as women get emotionally attached and most MM just want their cake and eat it too......You will be fine!!!!!!
I have just ended an emotional affair with a married man. I say it is an emotional affair because never had sex, only kissed, held hands, and hugged for minutes at a time. I ended it because I looked into the future and saw a cold and unfulfilled life filled with longing and desire for the impossible dream. This forum has helped me tremendously as I have been reading it for several weeks now.
We met two months ago and this is my story:
It was a 2 weeks long special event where I was a volunteer journalist and he was the head police security commander for the venue. He is a senior police commander and I am a highly educated commercial sales consultant (I volunteered for the change of pace for 2 weeks). I have a very high self esteem, am fit, tall, and attractive. I am also blessed with an amazing career most women my age could only dream of. I say this only to explain who I am and where I am in life. I want to cast no judgement, nor solicit any. I simply want to tell my story.
As soon as we met, we both knew there was an inexplicable connection. It started as a casual friendship, but he was friendly and chatty with everyone. However, it was different with me; I felt it right away. I interviewed him for my writing and we sat and talked for more than 2 hours. For the first time in my life, I felt articulately clear in my words and expression and I noticed he listened carefully to everything I said. Later, he would tell me “I just knew I had to listen to you when you were saying. Something just told me that your words were so important and I had to listen carefully”.
After about a week of seeing each other everyday at the venue and chatting at every opportunity possible, we made plans to go out with some of the other cops and volunteers. He asked for my number to join forces, and so our texting relationship began. For the next week, he texted me several times a day, staring in the early AM with the “good morning sunshine”, followed by “goodnight and sweet dreams” almost every night.
We met for a drink one night, under the guise that he was inviting some friends and so was I. My friends left early and apparently so did his. We sat for hours just talking and getting to know each other. At this point, we still believed we were innocent in our interactions.
For the duration of the event, he would text me all day long and find every opportunity to be close to me. When the event was finally over, the texts didn’t stop. He would send one as soon as he woke up, several throughout the day, and a few more at midnight. I HAD N IDEA HE WAS MARRIED!!!!
A few nights later we went out for drinks and ended up at his temporary apartment (rented for him by the event coordinators). I asked him if he had any pets and he finally said “yes, a dog, a wife, and 2 kids”. He made a joke of it but proceeded to tell me he has been married for 15 years and the age and genders of his children. I was shocked and asked him why he never told me sooner, especially since he behaved as a single man and did not wear a ring. He replied: “It never came up and I have never worn my ring”.
At this point, I told him I couldn’t see him anymore and I would never date a married man. I knew I was already in too deep to just walk out, but my morals screamed at me to run away as fast as I could. After a few more glasses of wine, we kissed and cuddled for a while, but I made it clear I couldn’t have a real relationship with him beyond these few moments.
As the weeks passed, he pursued me aggressively. He never promised me anything or said anything negative about his wife, he just kept telling me he had to see me and kept texting me out. I told him we could be friends, but that’s it. We kept on as “friends” for about another month until the attraction got the best of me. We made out in his car, in restaurants, and anywhere else we could kiss and quietly stare into each other’s eyes. We never spoke of the future, just the simple philosophies of life.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I knew I should know better, but he was like a drug I couldn’t resist. I never wanted to hurt another woman (his wife) or be the catalyst for a broken marriage. I am a person of morals and values that are rooted in humanity and not religion. Deep down, I was certain I couldn’t have sex with him, but at the same time I knew I was embarking on an emotional affair that I just couldn’t seem to control.
He told me that I was on his mind constantly and he had never that he had never experienced that “ever-present” feeling before. He had been married for 15 years, his second marriage (only one with kids, 12 and 14), yet he had no chemistry or affection with his wife. (I had to force that tid-bit out of him, and saw the tears well in his bright blue eyes as he told me) It seems that she has been the stay at home mom while he had the successful policeman career. He told me he had never strayed before in his whole life, but the psychological connection we had was something he had always wanted but never found. We would have endless conversation about everything from philosophy, business, religion, world politics; the list went on.
We started seeing each other during the day Monday to Friday – we would both sneak away from work for 2-3 hours and sit in the park and talk, or have romantic lunches in quiet restaurants. He would skip work and spend every moment he could with me, but ultimately, he would always leave to be home on time for dinner at 6:00 PM. He is a truly dedicated father; he coaches his daughter’s baseball team and rarely misses his son’s soccer and baseball games. He seemed to spend every waking moment busy with work, kids, coaching, or personal exercise. It became clear to me that this man had lost touch with his wife long ago and had since found other ways to pursue passions. When he met me, he admitted that the OK of obligation he had known for 15 years had become a lonely place where he finally wanted to do something for himself.
I have always had an idealist view of marriage and that is why I have never married. I have yet to meet the right man to say “I do” to. Sure, I have had many men want to marry me over the years, but I always knew it was wrong each time, which is why I ended up alone and happier each time. I am 32 and he is 48. I have never met a man I actually wanted to marry. My MM told me that he married his wife because she would be (and is) an excellent mother. He has never said much more, but it seems she’s an excellent mother but not such a good wife…
About a month ago, I started searching for reasons why married men have affairs and I found this blog. I have learned SO much from reading the comments and life stories here. I realize I am not alone in my plight and that I am looking down the path of an empty road filled with loneliness, unfullfillment, and sadness. Everything I read made it clear that I would have to end this emotional (and not yet physical) affair very soon.
Sooner came rather than later and just shy of 2 months after it started, I ended it. I had tried to end it face to face once before, but he found his charming way back into my life.
I woke up a few days ago and realized I was going down the wrong path. I wanted to break it off and decided to ignore his multiple daily texts. After 4 days, he finally asked me if I was Ok and told me he was worried. I then texted him back and explained I couldn’t see him anymore.
He wrote back to explain he was in shock, waited 24 hrs, then asked to talk to me in person or on the phone. I told him to call me. We spoke for about 30 minutes and he admitted he couldn’t promise me what I needed and wanted. He told me cared about me more than he had ever known possible and even went as far as to say he had never before felt infatuated by a woman like he felt with me. Everything he has ever said to me has been honest, respectful, and so emotionally candid. Over 2 months of daily communication, I had become his emotional (NOT physical, I could and never would have sex with a married man!) mistress and confident.
I told him I needed either 100% of a man’s heart, or none at all. I made it very clear that in the curr
(Continued from post above)
I made it very clear that in the current situation, he could not provide me with what I needed. He told me of his frustration with not being able to “court” me properly and I told him I felt the same frustration. I was firm, but kind, and even told him that if he can be happy in his 15 year old marriage, he has a duty to make it work. I let him go, even though he begged me not to. Against the cries and pleas of my lonely heart, I set him free.
That was 4 hours ago, and I am at home now and shell-shocked at my recent experience. I listen to Damien Rice and feel sad for the love that could have been in another place and time; a time and that didn’t involve him being married and hurting a wife and family to make me happy.
You see ladies, a married man will only truly cheat if you let him. I didn’t let this man cheat beyond the emotional affair that included just a little bit of kissing and holding each other. The next step was a full blown physical affair and I decided to end it before it turned into what I swore I would never be a part of.
I feel liberated to have set him free, but melancholy because I have lost a dear friend and overall amazing man. I still see him as amazing because he never promised me lies and never disrespected his wife or family. He is simply a man with life long obligations to be father and husband, yet he harbours unfulfilled desires in his heart as a both a sometimes vulnerable man, husband, and father.
He will either leave his wife and find a new life, or he will stay and work it out. Regardless of his choice, I feel free knowing that I am no longer a factor in the decisions that lay before him. I didn’t tell him “see you later”, I told him “goodbye and I wish you the best”. I made it clear it was over and we could no longer be friends. This was it. He took it hard and started to cry on the phone; a stone faced 48 year old Police commander was crying in his office alone, yet I knew I made the right decision.
Tonight I sit alone and think about all that has been, and all that could have been in another life and another time. If he were not married, he would be mine. However, I love myself and I love my morals too much to fall into such a stupidly easy trap of gratification.
Ladies: he will only cheat if you let him. Don’t let him! Be strong, raise the bar for what you deserve in a relationship, and walk away unless he can give you 100%. Females hold the true power in relationships and men will treat us as we let them. Demand what you know you deserve or walk away if a man can't give it to you. It's not easy, but neither is being in a bad relationship.
No married man can ever give you 100%. We all deserve 100%, so don’t settle for anything less!
For all of those feeling the heartbreak I feel now: I wish you all the best. For those of you starting or considering an affair, take my advice please: END IT NOW AND LEAVE PEACEFULLY. I am sad now, but will be stronger and have more self respect tomorrow…
Sarah, I feel for you because to me it's strange what you write. I mean I can see that you beleive that you both found the right person, but honestly, do you actually believe that he had no attraction or love for his wife. That because she would be a good mother he married her? I symathize with you, but you truly believe everything he told you. I commend you for breaking it off, and I know it hurts you, but there are two sides to the marriage. As far as I can tell he painted a pretty picture, you see him as this knight in shinning armor, but who can't leave his wife or make commitments to you because he is so honorable. Sorry Sarah, he's is just one good player. And I am glad you broke it off....maybe you will really think back and see him for who he really is.
One more thing, you say you never had any physical contact? If that is true, Good for you! But be careful, seems to me it may only take a little time for you to fall back into his trap.....Good Luck
im having an affair
Angela,
I do not believe my MM is a "Knight in shinning armour"; certainly not to myself and as his actions show, not for his wife either. I know he is not my dream man, but I still care for him deeply and I always will. I don't believe he is a player, he is simply a man who lacks passion and romantic chemistry in his life. If he didn't lack those things with his wife, he would not have been seeking them with me. He has never cheated on his wife before (and yes, I believe him as we have discussed this in detail).
I understand there are 2 sides to every story. I have thought a lot about how his wife must feel, and perhaps she feels a lot like he does. She must be a very good woman for him to ahve married her and stayed with her so long. I admire the respect he has for her; he never once said anything negative about her. I do not know her or his children, but the fact that I do not ever want to cause anyone any pain, I walked away.
I want to make it very clear that this man persued me, aggresively, and didn't tell me he was married until several weeks in. I understand he likely does love his wife, but at the same time, he has fallen in love with another woman. He wasn't looking for this, it just happened.
I ended things before they became physical, yes. I did this because I started to see that continuing the affair would have made us both liars. I don't ever want to be a liar, so I walked away. It's hard and it still hurts like hell, but I know I made the right choice. He will try to get me back eventually, I know that, but I am already moving on and he no longer has (or ever will have) a place in my life as long as he is still a married man. Period.
Sarah, you sound as if I hit a nerve. I had no intention of getting this kind of reaction from you. You totally protect this guy. So be it. You sound so convincing, but who are you trying to convince, maybe yourself? Look, Sarah I don't want you to think that I am trying to bash you, if you read what I said, I gave you alot of credit for getting out of the situation. Now reading this last post, gives me some doubts about your first one. One thing that is so sad, you say that he respects his wife, really? If so, why would he want to continue this realationship with you, from the start he lied to you. He already has your heart and you so much as said you love this guy. That is dangerous, for you.
I know you believe everything he has told you, but as I said before, why wasn't he honest from the start, that's all, think about it. He wasn't looking for it it just happened, hello! He knew he was married!!!!!
Sarah once again, Good luck and I hope all goes well for you.
I first wrote on this site about 6 weeks ago, I searched the post thinking it had been much longer than that because it really seems like it has. The physical affair and any sexual texting that had gone on between the MM and myself in the past is over, however I continue to be consumed with thoughts of the affair and find excuses to call him about little things or text him about some silly thing or another. He says he likes me to call and always keeps the conversation focused on very innocent everyday things. This week I wrote him a note at work asking him to block me from his phone because I had sent him a text when I was out late Sat. night- asking him to text me- he did later that night- to say he was really to tired to chat-- he smiled and said I was silly. I tried his number later that afternoon to see if it still worked for me- it did- but I got vm and no text response, haven't tried back. I'm trying to keep my head focused at work and not look at him sitting two desks over from me, on those days he usually works his way back over to me some way, either to make a comment on what I'm wearing or to ask a question about something work related. He is always very careful not to call me or discuss anything related to what happened in the past. I am calling a therapist tomorrow to help me with this, but in the meantime it helps to have an outlet like this to express my feelings. I am currently going through a seperation with my husband and I know that contact outside of work with this man would put my husband overboard even though I don't see the affair as the reason for our seperation. Luckily the MM is going to be out of the office for two days---unfortunately---I will miss him and have to fight off the urge to text him---how pathetic--at least I've made arrangements to go out to dinner with some friends tomorrow night. Please keep me in your thoughts.
Conflicted,
Hi, instead of asking him to block you, don't make yourself weak, try blocking him from your thoughts instead? Block him from your phone (that might make you feel like you are in control). You have a lot to lose, you have a husband yourself and perhaps kids. You and your MM are in a position to hurt so many people and you really don't want to walk around with that guilt. You think you are conflicted now, if the affair comes to light, you will be so much more conflicted. Deal with your own marriage. If you don't want to be married get divorced. Then, work on YOU. Find out what you like, what you need, who you are. Then go live. Are you really a woman who wants to settle for a MM who lies to you, basically tells you what you want to hear and gives you just part of his time??? Yes the sex is great, come on, it always is when you don't have to worry about bills, kids, etc and its secretive. Read the statistics, affairs don't turn into successful marriages...you just end up worrying about the next OW. Do you really want that? Do you want to sell yourself short? Really, is it just about passion? I am a wife who's husband cheated and we are conflicted and guess what? Our husbands who have OW's have passion and drama and love texts with us too, and strangely enough, I thought it was just me until I read another woman's story, we have some of the best sex of our marriages when we are in this massive conflict with our husbands...funny how the OW always seems to think her MM is not with his wife. It seems like these MMs get the best of both worlds...2 women who think they can't do without him and want him and "fight" for him...is that really what you want???????? I doubt it if you are thinking clearly. And if you really do, then I think you really don't want to leave your own husband, you just want some excitement. Take up a new hobby!! LOL. Good Luck and stay strong!
thanks for validating that am not alone
thanks for validating that am not alone
i am also having an affair with a married man for 8 years already, almost always wanting to end the relationship but cannot...everytime i'm so fed up with our fights over petty things, he will do some thing to make me fall in love with him again...i don't know why but i've attempted several times to end this without his knowing and without giving him a hint, there he will be showing love and concern...it's as if the universe doesn't want us to separate...i'm so in love with him...i could accept his flaws because i also knew he loves me all through this years...he always spends time with me, but just like any other married men, he goes home to sleep every night...am afraid to lose him, should i give him up... i know it's the best thing to do, period....but i can't do it, i simply can't stand the thought how lucky his wife could be...and me, miserable...but sometimes, i'm thinking, i cannot find somebody else who deserve me if i wouldn't end this affair in the first place....help me please....i really love this guy, he really loves me i n return but i don't want to go on with this forever...they say, the quickest cure is to find somebody else, well it's true, because this is how i got over with my husband's infidelity quickly...but should this always be the case...am hurting now and am afraid to get more hurt...
I've been on both sides of the fence. I never got angry with the OW because I didn't think she was at fault. The man is respnsible for his relationship - not the OW. Stop feeling so sorry for the wife. She brought this on herself.
No man or woman goes looking for love if they are happy with what the got.
thanks, OW, for that sensible comment...no man or woman goes looking for love if they're happy with what they got...
Naive naive naive, never cared after all, not even a tiny bit. Ended today and thankfully only 3 weeks into, emotional stuff only and not the physical thank goodness as stayed truly strong, still downhearted nonetheless. Texting texting texting, mum said never a good thing, gave no mind to most wise one. Gave instead all, wrote the poems, blew sweet kisses, gave the warm hugs, glad though now only over small silver screen. Blew me over with blah like response when ironically I ended all as how it began in small silver screen. Ended up in confession booth as weighed me down heavily, poor priest tried to comfort sobbing sobbing soul. Gave the penance all the same confirming strayward from my true trusted One. Hopefully to forget before I pass from this world, cold meaningless comment after showered with endearing loving heart of me. And all prior me, I will forever pray for true guidance and love of heart for Thee first, as truly safe as childlike as childlike could be with foremost Thee.
OW, you are pathetic, being on both sides of the affair. Shame on you.
Krissa, you are really in a dream world, only it's turned out to be your nightmare. And guess what, you deserve to be unhappy! It's women like you who give the MM all the power and control. So be it, you think your life is worth the pain and sorrow you have today, Great! You will be old and gray, wondering what you did with your life, while your MM will still be with his wife. I can't understand how you OW seem to believe you are victims, when infact you are the cause of it. The MM is only taking what he can because you let them. So conitnue to fool yourself to all that he has said.
Angela,
you go off on the other women and calling them pathetic and whores etc. than you go off on the cheating husbands calling them liars, dogs etc...yet YOU ARE STILL MARRIED TO YOUR CHEATING HUSBAND?!? YOUR husband is a liar. he took 17 years to tell you the truth and cheated on you for 6 years and raised the OW's kid. he is a cheater, a liar, and he disrespected you for MANY YEARS. chances are he has done it a few times since and may even be doing again right now! he fooled you once and he will fool you again yet you stay and take it and ignore your gut feelings. you claim the OW have no respect for themselves and they pathetic yet you come across as pathetic wife of cheating and lying husband.
I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful i simply want you to take a damn good look at yourself before you are so quick to pass judgement on the women your type of husband cheats on you with. you say shame on you for having an affair to OW...how about shame on you for not having enough self respect to leave your loser cheating husband who lies to your face and you chose to ignore it. think about it.
Of course the OW is not 100% to blame. The MM or MW is the biggest ass in the whole situation. They chose to cheat versus dealing with whatever issues they have. Get divorced, go to counseling, communicate with your spouse...these are all better options than cheating. I do even believe that the OW is getting the short end of the stick ALSO along with the wife but the wife is the one that the MM is committed to so therefor she is the one being wronged. BUT...if you choose to stay in a relationship with a married person whether you are a man or a woman you are choosing to do something wrong and you do need to suck it up and take some responsibility for that fact. You can't fall back on "people wouldn't go looking for what they aren't getting" as that's just an excuse so you don't have to feel bad about what you are doing. Most people who cheat are cheating because of something that's going on inside of them, not necessarily because of their relationship in general. And quite a few men cheat BECAUSE THEY CAN! (lots of famous examples of this going on these days...) If a MM really loves you, loves you so much he can't be apart from you, he's going to LEAVE his wife right then and there...he's not going to stay for the kids, he's not going to stay for the finances...he's going to leave. Something is holding him back...feelings for his spouse? The same confusion that caused him to choose an affair?? Not able to deal with the embarrassment and shame when introducing his new woman, the OW to friends and family? I think most OW's are getting used and don't really want to wake up and smell the coffee. I have only heard of one MM/OW who are now married and it seems to be successful for quite a few years and they were involved in the affair for years but it was a really open affair. Every family member in his and her families knew about it and the kids were intertwined. They were older children. Honestly, it's an odd and twisted situation that I never quite understood but I knew the daughter of the OW and she seemed ok with it. Now, funnily enough, she (the daughter) has a husband that has cheated on her so perhaps the lessons she took in weren't so good??? But if you are the "other person" and you are good with causing pain in the lives of people (the wife or the husband of your married person and their children and families) that have not actually wronged you in any manner because they have not, (they would prefer you never entered their lives, trust me...), if you are ok with causing them pain then I guess when karma hits (because it will) I'd say good luck to you, you are going to need it and I'll guess not a lot of people are going to feel sympathetic to you so be strong!
Reality Check, First of all no need to disrespect me. And you are right, I did stay with my husband. Think about it, I had an eight year old, and a baby on the way. What would you do, I was young and stupid. The Whore knew he was married even frickin cried when she found out I was pregaunt, real moral person, huh? He had all the responsibility, and So did the whore!!!! I believe that she should of stopped before anything started....just because she had some morals or empathy for me and my child. You know nothing about not wanting to believe that someone you made a comment to would ever betray you. We were only married five years, and we had a great five years, the sex was great, friendship was great....I don't blame myself for not giving him what he needed or No wife is to blame for what their husbands choose to do, what is sad is that we love them and are the one who have been there from the start. The OW is a whore to him, she will please him, feed his ego, always be put together because she doesn't see him on a day to day basis. She lives for that. There is no real world for her other than screwing him and waiting on him. And I choose to stay with him because I loved him and yes,ignored the signs, my mistake. I am 52 years old and that is wHy I tell you OW that you will lose....the dog who was with my husband wasted six years of her life, thinking he would leave me. To be honest the only time of those years I suspected anything was the frist two, because after that he was with me most of every day and night. I spoke with this OW and she is still in love with him, and is alone, so who's the asshole here....not me? I still have a home and grandchildren, his money and his love. She can only look back at what she did for him and be reminded just what a fool she was. Read the other posts here, some of these women are boo hooing about the years they are still with their MM, and what? And why does the OW keep her mouth shut and not tell the wife what's going on, because she damn well knows, the MM will drop her so fast, for causing pain to his family......As far as my husband fooling me, your right, not since then....and certainly not today. Honey I did look at myself and guess what I had every right to stay with my husband and fight for what we had....you are very rude, are you the OW? I believe you are....why don't you tell his wife about your affair? Sad thing is that you know that you will sit by the phone, or alone and think about what he's doing with HIS WIFE. The OW in affairs knows they are married, if not at first, they soon find out....but they continue to be with the MM. These MM are the ones who use the OW and betray their wife's...it's only for there own selfishness. You need to back off Reality Check and maybe check your own reality! I am not surprised that someone like you would write what you did, you see we as women are the first to bash other women, including myself, but my reasoning is that I was the wife and She knew it...and we as women don't give a damn about each other, Men stick together.....As for respect, tell me something, do you respect yourself after a night with your MM? Knowing that he will be with his wife, you respect yourself knowing that man you are with is a liar, and that you have a realationship that you have to hide behind close doors, to be seen with him could destroy that love he feels for you. HELLO! That's respecting yourself? You only take the scraps he can throw at you...that you wait for another womans Man. As for myself respect, please, HE WAS MY HUSBAND!!!!! Not her's....the respect that I had was to take my vows seriously. I am a decent, clean, moral woman and I always respected myself, just because my husband cheated on me and hurt me doesn't say I had no respect for myself. I don't know why you are so angry and obviously don't have any emapathy for the wife, nor do you care that it's not just the wife who is betrayed but his children. His fault, but being a decent, moral Woman, she would not put herself in the middle of a marriage, and respect herself enough to tell the MM, leave her and when you do I will be there. Am I crazy to think this way, or the MM should leave his wife and tell her he loves someone else, she'll hurt but she will have a chance to move one. The OW, and the MM, ARE NOT THE VICTIMS HERE, THEY HAVE A CHOICE...HAVE THE BALLS TO GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE OR THE OW SHOULD STAY OUT OF THE MARRIAGE UNTIL HE'S FREE. 99 Times out of 100 he will stay with is wife.....My husband OW
is alone to this day and admitted it to me...We, the Wife's have committed to our husbands, and just becasue they cheat and hurt us so bad we want to die, doesnt' mean that we can just pack ourselves up and our kids and leave. We, to love these men and we were the Women they married, not you. Crazy as this sounds, it's true. So all you Wife's out there if you have a gut feeling about your husband, follow those feelings and be brave enough to call him on it. Don't be blind to the signs, I was and it hurt! I know damn well most of the MM will not leave their wives.....read these posts and you get an idea of how many OW are writing about the hurt and pain of being the OW is like.......I think they say it all.....Wife's be strong, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR HUSBANDS CHEATING, BOTH THE MM AND OW HAVE THE FLAWS........
Hi everyone,
I have been following these posts for a while, but have never commented. My first real comment is WHY DO WOMEN ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO THEM?
To the married men who cheat on their wives. BUCK UP and BE A REAL MAN. If you are unhappy, then leave the marriage. Esp. if you have children. My husband an I come from families that were broken up by "the other woman", and it really hurt us and our siblings a lot. It was horrible to grow up knowing that your father hurt your mother in the most vile of ways. And as a girl, it made me detest my father. I did not find out that my father cheated on my mother til I was 18, but when I did, it changed my whole outlook towards him. I can't stand to look at him. I refused to speak to him after that. The man who taught me to be true to the ones I love and to always respect those around you; Yeah he's full of shit!!! He was just one of those cheating lying bastards.
To the women who cheat with Married men, I hope you know what you are doing. You are JUST as much to blame as the men. If you didn't know originally, that's fine, but the second you found out you should have GOTTEN PISSED and then high-tailed it out of his life. Don't continue with it. DO you like being kept secret? Being lied to? Being dragged along in a relationship that is going nowhere? My father didn't leave my mother, she dumped his ass. And once that happened, he didn't run into his mistress's open arms. He fucked around some more until he found my step-mother (who cheated on him, THANK GOD FOR KARMA). The Point is, your hurting many more people than just yourself. Don't even try to delude yourself in thinking that he will leave it all for you.
For the wives who have been cheated on (and kids): #1, it's not your fault. No matter what, it is not your fault. No one forced him to marry you, have children with you, or "stay against his will" with you. His physical act of cheating speaks volumes of who he really is. And by not breaking-off a "love-less marriage" he is also robbing you the chance of finding someone who will love you and treasure you.
Before I met my husband, I had been in a serious relationship with someone else. He was not a classic beauty, but I loved him regardless. I had been pursued by many men, those who encouraged me to cheat, but I did not, not just because I could never hurt him that way, but because I knew I could never live with myself if I had done so. Funnily enough, where I resisted, he fell to temptation. I caught him in bed with his mistress one evening when I returned from an abroad business trip early for his birthday. I packed up my things and was gone the next day. Yes it hurt, but I don't allow cheaters to keep my heart.
Please dont think I am rambling, It has taken so much for me to write this down, to admit that I come from a broken family and that I have been the victim. I want those of you who are cheating, to know what you are doing. ANd if you are still ok with it, then i hope you still will be later on. For those who have been cheated on, I hope you can take solice in the fact that it doesn't have to be that way.
Take care everyone, I will still keep up with you all, and hope to hear responses
Wide eyed...I couldn't have said it better!
Hi- I appreciate the feedback I get from this site- even when it is confrontational or tell like it is because it helps me wake up to reality. I did realize I wasn't in love with my husband after the affair I had with a MM and asked for a divorce right as soon as it started and ended. I am doing better now, the thing is it is a day to day struggle because I have to see the man every single day- and believe me there is such a thing as Karma and this is my punishment- I get that. I have started therapy and am working on meeting other people. I hope he is getting help for his family and if not that his wife finds out the truth about his character- even if it behinds I have to be confronted by her.
Conflicted,
Don't worry about the MM, worry about you! If you are going to get divorced and move on in life it's important you take care of you. If you are happy and stable and not worrying about the MM you never know who might walk into your life. But you might not notice if you are worrying about the MM...and wouldn't that be sad??? Don't worry about his wife, his family, those are his concerns. Ignore him at work, find a new job. The MM probably isn't half as conflicted and worried about you and you do need to face that fact so you can move on. You are breaking off two relationships so I think you might need healthy "me time" so that you can come out of this stronger and wiser.
My god, here I sit after 14 months of pure hell, on the verge of ending it all, and I found this. I am not alone. My cheating lying husband had the affair with a woman in Tulsa, I live in Australia. After 20 years of dreaded , pitiful devotion, of a love that is amazing, she goes and calls me and tells me that she has had "the best 48hours in bed with my husband" and he left me for her. He has cheated before, and when I confronted him by email and skype - telling him to stay in Tulsa - he denied it and came home. On the way home from the airport he still denied it and said it was all some strange mix up - and then - home 24 hours later - 700$ of Victoria Secret - I confronted him again - he left. Its alright for everyone to say good riddence, you are better off with out the cheater, but what is left is a shell of a woman, destroyed by lies, cheated out of her dreams and no longer wanting to walk this earth. Its a minute by minute struggle at the moment, I have just lost my precious golden and it is not pretty - so after the countless of written lines, I want all of you women who have affairs with married men to understand that there is a life that is being wrecked, dreams crushed and lives on the edge. I cannot get past this, I have seeked help, but it just wont go away. I hope I make it through the night.
Take care all of you -
According to web MD, a majority of men don't have affairs for the sex, but because the OW makes the man feel wanted and appreciated. To the wives out there,ask yourself, are you one of those women that take your man for granted? Ask yourself "if I caught him cheating would I be most of the blame?" Be honest. When he walks in the door, do you wrap your arms around him and tell him how you are so glad to see him,like I do?
I think this is hilarious. I was the wife who had a cheating husband. I knew he wasn't happy but I clung to him out of insecurity. I am a beautiful, intellegent woman but I was too afraid to venture out on my own after years of marriage. I finally left. Now I am the OW to a wonderful man. He treats me like a princess and I appreciate everything he does for me and with me. I don't expect him to leave his wife. He has been upfront with me and I have been the same with him. We take each moment for what it is. If it ends tomorrow I have no regrets. We have a wonderful relationship where we both communicate openly. We are both strong individuals who respect each other's lives. His wife may know or may not know...either way she is fine with the life she is living or she would leave. Veronica, I am not the one with a commitment to this woman so I don't see why anyone could call me names except for out of immaturity. I always said the same thing about the women my husband slept with...I didn't fault them...they didn't have a commitment to me. He did. So the same for the man I am with now. OW, I agree with you. If women would appreciate, respect and love the men they are married to they would not have to worry about other women. If these women who are married to these men are so miserable then leave. Quit making excuses for staying if you are not happy. I did it and I have never been more happy in my life.
HappyOW/OW, it's pretty pathetic how you other woman love to point the finger at the wife. OW, yes you are right, the wife sometimes doesn't run to greet her husband with open arms, or does she sit an gaze at him like a love sick puppy. HELLO!!!! She is either working as hard as he in a job, and not to mention their children, or laundry for him and cooking.....OW, you are there when he tells you, where he tells you to accommadate him. The reality is that you feed his ego. Please are you both so blind to think that there aren't moments of intimacy with his wife, the talks about their children, connecting on a basis of having a family and years of being together. You OW really think that the MM is at home, unattached emotionall to his wife. Come On!!!!!! And Happy OW, great for you, you are happy, but take responsibility for your actions, don't say your not doing it to the wife, he is. Because what you both are doing is cruel to his wife. You OW have the same cliche', "She's not taking care of his needs", You only know his side, and if you OW feel that us Wives deserve what we get, because we aren't doing our jobs, once again, TELL THE WIFE!!!! You won't because he'll kick you to the curb. No matter his undying love for you, that is one thing he'll hate you for. MM and the OW are Cowards....if he loves you, then he'd leave his wife, but he just sees his reflection in your adoring eyes......OW TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, AND EITHER SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!!!!!!
Angie,
You are so right when you say he will never leave his wife for me, but did you ever think I didn't want him to? I like having my Sat. and Sun. mornings to myself. I don't want to have to do his laundry, cook his dinner, put up with his kids or wife - or worse yet , lose control of my remote! It scares me when he says he will leave her when his kids get older, but I don't think he ever will so I just ignore those comments. You see, maybe we are both using each other. He needs the best of me and I need the best of him. And I really think, by having me in his life, it makes his homelife more tolerable. It's perfect!!
OW - I could not have said it better. I believe it is a win win situation for both him and me. I love feeding his ego and he loves feeding mine. Again, life it great.
OW and Happy OW, so pathetic and disullional. My sorry that you tell yourself these things. I guess it's better than seeing the truth about who you are. Karma is a bitch and you will both end up tired and sad. Because no matter what there comes a time in all of our lives we need the compaionship with commitment, that's at our old age. I give you both alot of credit, you stand by what you are! There's nothing like being proud and a cheater! GOOD LUCK
Oh and OW my name is Angela.....
Angela,
Sorry about getting your name wrong.
Totally agree, Angela.
I need to comment. I was the OW, I find it funny how we are looked at as so terribly evil. I have a friend that is completely happily married. She does all the house work, shopping and keeping the kids together. Yet she still has time to look lovingly into her husbands eyes. I think each situation is so terribly different and there are different reasons for an affair. I do believe once an affair is considered there should be a serious consideration on dissolving the marriage. There is something terribly missing between the couple. But, there are other things to consider and one of them is alimony or revenge from the wife. I find these completely pathetic excuses but the man wants his cake and to eat it too.
In my case I knew my MM a very long time ago, we dated and dissolved the relationship for no apparent reason except we were young. After we met again, we realized we never forgot each other and there was a closeness or a familiarity between us. We discovered how much we had in common and so on. His wife condemned him (how do I know ? I heard it myself), she treated him like a child and he listened to her beat him down. He had the same job as when I last saw him 20 years ago. I cannot blame her for that, but he was so beat down by her. She stopped the affection after their second child and required him to get a vasectomy before she would be intimate again. So, he did and she did not keep her bargain. It seems to me they stay for the convenience and both are terribly unhappy in a familiar situation. I do not believe my MM would have had an affair if I was anyone else. It was a familiar reunion with deep feelings. I ended it after a three week business trip with him. What started as a great friendship turned into something dangerous and quickly. I was attacked by him and finally he tried to strangle me because I asked him to come back to me. In my case, there is something terribly wrong or troubled with my MM, I do remember him punching out the window of his car 20 years ago and apparently he still has anger issues. I called the wife in the end. Not because I wanted her man, but I wanted to know if this has happened to her as well. Oh, I know, this is a terrible horrible thing to do since the MW should not know such things about her husband having an affair and it is so much better to be blind to it. Well, it is over and I am now aware that all the loving words he spoke to me were false. He is now scrambling to make the repair on a failing marriage. Perhaps in the future he will not complain about her disrespecting him, or not being affectionate or the abuse she dishes out since he seems to be quite fond of that behavior. I told her she should rub his achey back sometimes because he needs that and she boldly said " let him rub it himself ". That is par for the course with her and to be honest that is exactly what he deserves to do, to rub his own back and any other participle on his body. Funny how he woke up quickly in resolving the failing marriage..so, perhaps in this case I have helped a family snap out of what ails them
For all you married women out there that may suspect your husband is having an affair or know that he is or know that he has,and don't want to lose him, here’s some advice from the OW: let him know that you still love and adore him. Treat him like you did when you first met. I know you are busy with jobs, kids and housework, but trust me, if you don’t want to lose your man, than you have to give him a reason not to stray. He wants you to love him. He married you didn’t he? For the sake of your kids and your marriage, please let him know you still care. Most of us don’t go looking for men that are taken, but they can be very persistent. They get tired of being treated like a piece of furniture, so they go looking for someone that will make them feel valued. I’m only talking to the wives who have a lot to lose. If you have a crappy husband, then let him go. I heard Dr. Phil say one time, “the worse thing of being in a bad relationship for _____ years, is to be in a bad relationship for _____ years and one day.”
I also heard Dr. Phil say that in no way does the wife any fault for her husbands infidelity!
A lot of married men do not tell other women they are married. They use free dating sites like plentyoffish and a lot of them post their photos and state they are "single" but they are not single. I met a rotten player who called himself andy, id name andy12345a is a predator using the site for tricking good women into sexual encounters. He put on his profile hes looking to date but after he contacted me and talked for weeks he said he was only interested in me but he claimed he has so little time to date because of his work. I made a mistake trusting him and met him in person. His choice was to come to my house. He called all the time with his phone number blocked from showing up and wouldnt invite to his home or go out in public. He knew me for months and would never disclose his last name or place of work either. The real kicker was he cheated on me with other women on the site too. This type of man is a serial cheater, narcistic and doing this stuff for the thrill of being able to get away with it.
Very useful hub. Everything you said makes since. GBY
I am 52 years old and dating a married man. It started out with him give me money. He would see me out and give me money, he said for gas. He asked me out for breakfast and I went. I had promised God and myself I would not date a married man, and here I am. We have been together for over one year. He gives me gifts, buys me clothes, bought me living room furniture, money. He got back with his wife 4 years ago after a long drug problem he had. He just had her to retire and it bothers me when it shouldn't. I need help financially I think thats why I let him in. I see where he is really manipulating me. He does not want me to see anyone else. Which to me is crazy. I need to get out of this but I have fallening in love with him. He is ver possessive. He wants to control the clothes he buys me. I tried, I know I deserve better, but it strange, the single guys I dated where so selfish and cheat. It feels good when someone does things for you, but this is wrong. I feel his wife needs o know the liar he is, but I will not be the one. I need to get out. I need help. I feel stuck.
Renee, you are wrong, you aren't stuck. Just stop seeing him. He is controlling you with gifts and money. How pathetic that you are single and he wants to control your way of dressing and who you see. He made no commitment to you and there you are doing everything he wants. What about what you want. He is with his wife and she will always be his wife! Come on Renee, you are not STUCK, you have a choice. There is no love and you know it, everything you said proves it. You are still young and a right to be happy. Get over it, before your sixty-two!!
OW it's you who let these sorry excuses for Men do as they please to you and their Wives.....At least the wife has the wedding ring and has the right to fifty percent of what he has and not to mention spousal support, child support, life insurance.
Renee, if he should up and die, who will you be comforted by or even be taken care of finanically....NO ONE! You will have wasted you precious time for a big fat Zero!
Hi, of course the reason why im reading all of these is because im into the same situation, CONFUSED..Well, my situation is different..my MM and I are both working overseas which means we are together and his wife is in a different state. the situation goes this way, although MM knows or feel that i want him to leave his wife he will not do it..as what he says NOT NOW, when his only child grow (maybe finish her college) he'll be ready. his excuse is no need to leave her, we are the one who is TOGETHER. we goes home for one month vacation once a year this is the only time MM spent his time for his family.and even he is with her no need for me to be sad, still everyday he contacts me although we have talked that i can't contact him..for the past 3 years i really appreciate it that this was done, i mean if he is in his family not a single day he forget to connect with me..may it be in text, if there's a chance small talks, and good that he finds time to have long chats with me..also of course it is planned, he will go to my place and he will bring me to his place (parents)for at 2 days and have vacation in there.yes, we have his parents (all the siblings) blessings..and to add, we have a business together which he and and his wife doesn't have..plus a money in the bank :-)..that is why i'm confused..the only reason he has in staying is their child..anyhow, she's turning 9 this year so about 10 years or plus more to wait. but it doesn't matter that 10 years, we are together 11 months in a year and 1 month only with her..sometimes i feel guilty yes, but everytime we said our goodbyes it's really hard..he will always tell me after all that we've gone through we will give up?that's why now i'm just going with the flow..i love him and i believe he loves me too, we are happy that is fine. no one knows our future right? but the assurance that he gave me (business and savings) it's enough i think..no need to doub and question him...if you're at my shoes, do you think he's worth the wait?
thank you
I was thinking a lot about this today after a resent fight that my partner had with his wife. She decided she was no longer happy with our arrangement of him living with me and taking care of all her bills for "their house." We live a very alternative lifestyle, a lifestyle she has never enjoyed or appreciated. I guess she had enough and decided to tell him to give me up and to come home so that they could "start over like it never happened" and that she would pay for counseling to get him over his issues so that he would be happy with her again.
With leads me to this:
There is a difference in loving someone and coveting them.
Loving someone is accepting all of who they are (all their faults, dreams, likes, and desires)and encouraging them to be true to themselves. Notice I said accepting. You don't have to understand to even like what they do. It's the action of accepting who they are as a person that shows that you love them unconditionally.
Coveting someone is loving the image of who you think they should be. If you loved someone you wouldn't need them to change who they are to still care about them.
Maybe some of you bitter women should take all that hurt, anger, and frustration you feel and evaluate what will make you happy. Then strive for that goal. Don't waste time pointing fingers or blaming others. Life has no faults it just keeps changing and transforming with every new experience we face. It's how we deal with it that determines who we are.
To Linda, it's all well and good that you spend 11 months of the year, have a business, and money in the bank....but, what is the difference if he gets divorce. As you stated he only spends one month with his wife and child, so? Why doesnt' he just divorce her because he really is only a part time parent, and not really a husband. I think there something kind of sick on his part, because he would be in the same situation married or not. What is the benefit of him staying for his daughter? NONE....he would stilll live as he his now. He can still provide for his family, as he's doing and marry you?????? I don't get it! If you are that happy, good for you, but he's fooling you!
To A Little Different: you are are right about accepting, but accepting what is the question....I am sorry you look as us as bitter women, come on, you know Nothing about the marriage and past of the MM and his wife, only what he tells you. As for the image of who you are, isn't it his fault he portaryed a different image to the woman he married. As for you, well to each his own, but I draw the line and still condemn the OW and MM....there are always choices , right and wrong ones, the obivous ones are moral ones. My opinion!
It's a game to these MM, and the OW is so self serving, thinking they are soulmates, bottomline, you and the MM have a choice to make, the OW is WRONG, IMMORAL, AND SO MISTAKEN,, we're in love, he's unhappy, his wife is this and that, there is an excuse for every immoral action, and all you OW have them. Such as it is, Good luck to you OW....in the end you will get your just rewards, life has a way of doing that!
What do all of you mean exactly when you say "leave" the wife/husband? Do you mean divorce them and if not, what?
to angela...yeah so many times i have told myself he's fooling me..but no one knows what will happen tomorrow right? as long as i (him too) am happy, can do nothing but wait! if we are not meant to be then for sure there must be a reason..same as why he stays,because of the child and i cannot take it from him it is his only child..and i understand it i'm also a mother when i got separated from my ex i cut all the contacts with him including our child..and i don't want it to happen to my MM..
Linda, open your eyes, once again, he doesn't even have a marriage nor does he spend but once a month with his child...I am asking you what is the purpose of him not getting a divorce!
Just unbelieveable, yes the cheater should just leave their spouse! Divorce them! If the other woman is so important to betray the wife, then tell them you no longer love them. But the OW gives the cheater the power to have his cake and eat it too!!!!!!!! Sad thing is the OW ends up kicked to the curb when he tires of her....sometimes it's years, because she lets him.
Well I guess I'm just glad that Angela is "moral" enough for the both of us. lol.
Only in the eyes of children is the world broken up in Black and White. And good things and bad things. When we mature we are suppose to understand that ever situation is different in of itself.
This board is about getting feedback from others who have gone through similar trials in their lives. It doesn't help when one person completely bashes the other side in a "holier then thou" fashion.
Maybe listening to others and giving constructive/mature feedback will help more?
There is a way to say: My opinion is ________ and this is why _____________. and explaining you're thoughts without the name calling and school yard behavior.
a little different, I will take that as a complament! We all have our fautls, but I do call it as I see it. I guess that if you are the MM and OW you surely have a broad spectrum to rationalize your flaws in what is moral and immoral. I guess to all you OW and MM you have a right to come first before the people you know will be hurt. So I applaud you to be able to be so selfish in only thinking of your own wants, no matter the consequences!
And let me explain something to you, I have been that wife with two small girls, with a cheating husband. I believe as the betrayed wife, with no choice in the matter, has a hell of a lot of right to feel that no woman who has an affair with a MM is a decent, moral, empathic human-being. Because she and the MM has a choice. Where there is true love, there is no deceit! Actually, most of these OW are the ones who protray themselves as "holier than thou", because they take no responsiblity for their actions. If I am a child in that respect, of seeing infidelity as black and white, I will own it, because in cheating there is only black and white, no inbetween!
I have read most of the posting on here, find them hurtful, honest, heartfelt emotions. I have my own situation in which im sure the answer will be the same as most. I am in a relationship with a MM. He has been waiting for his greencard for some time now. I have called and checked on his status. It is a waiting game. His wife and child are waiting under him as dependants for greencards, so if he leaves before then there is a chance they will get deported. I feel guilty over the situation but cant help the way I feel about him. We have talked abouteverything. I understand his concerns and am being understanding, but my patients seem to be running short. I know my feelings for him will never change, I have never Loved anyone the way I love him, Dont think I ever would again. How long is too long to wait for someone waiting on his greencard? His family is here on a work visa awaiting citizenship.
Angela,
Please stop taking over this board and repeating the same thing over and over again! We get your point, and frnakly, we've all had enough of your constant comments that offer nothing but finger pointing and blame.
If you are so happy with your cheating MM, I suggest you go focus on him and get off this board.
Thanks,
Angela,
You sound bitter and angry. What got you to that place? And what did you do (or didn't do) that your man felt like he had to get love from some place else?
Annoyed, I agree with you.
sorry the truth hurts, or bothers you both.....my man didn't get love, he got lust!!!!!! He was a coward like the rest of these MM. Because bottomline freakin' tell the wife and move on! I tell it like it is, I am not sorry for what I believe is right. Angry maybe, bitter, no, just fed up with the excuses of being a cheater has and the excuses the OW gives, PLEASE!
Yes, However at this point you're just Trolling. Which is what I have been trying to put nicely. We get that you're hurt and angry but making fun of and downing others ruins the discussion and help that others seek.
If you can give positive opinions instead of just going around calling everyone whores, my opinion of you would be much different.
This board needs to get back to being supportive about what others are going through. Because there arent many places that people can go on the internet and get support when in this type of situation. The fact that most of these women have the courage to ask for help and they have a need to be heard should tell you how much being listened to means to them.
Give listening a chance.
a little different,I can understand that is what you get from me, but if you have read any of the other posts of mine, I am also give good advise to the OW, it's the ones who sit and bash the wives, and give these stupid reason behind the cheating. I try to open there eyes and tell them what they really sound like to others. Listen, you have your opinion and I have mine. And as you have read, what you throw at me I can take it just as much and I can throw. I don't have any reservations of what I say. Maybe, and I say maybe it's harsh to call the OW whores, but be a little impathetic, as a wife you have no idea what the pain feels like to be betrayed by a person who you have given your time, love, effort to work by their sides to have a good, happy life. And when the OW KNOWS he's married and continues to cheat with him really tells the tale of what kind of human-being she is. Especially if there is children involved. So, once again,if the OW is so love with the MM, and vice versa, then freakin' tell the wife. Why hide it, why be so dirty, cruel, and continue to hide this great love of theirs. If the MM won't do it, for whatever dumbass reason, then the OW should either make a stand for herself and stop the affair, or tell the wife. Then that gives the wife opportunity to make a decision, because after all isn't better to give the wife knowledge of what she is dealing with! Isn't stupid of the OW to settle for half a man? What self respect does she show she has? I am sorry that you feel that I bash the OW, but read some of things the OW say about the Wives. We aren't stupid, or ugly or sexless...we also, as the OW feel the pain he causes us. No matter what, if the MM really doesn't love his wife anymore, there is always divorce, and they can and will be able to see their children....the OW never takes any responsiblity for their actions. They point the finger at the wife, when in fact they know NOTHING about her. I guess what it all boils down to is it wouldn't be CHEATING, if they were out in the open to the public and their families. If the OW doesnt' feel it's wrong then why do they hide! And I do listen, what I hear is whinning about how the OW feels, well honey, they aren't the only ones that feel. That is what is so amazing to me.
I am not excluding the MM, he is to blame, but come on whose life is he playing with, the OW, because she lets him get away with it, when she knows hes MARRIED. Anyone would continue to stay married and have a mistress when the mistress is letting have his cake and eat it too!!!!!
Angela,
You are forgetting one thing-there is a chance the OW doesn't want the MM full time. He is someone to play with, to laugh with, and to share secrets with. If the wife is still having all her needs met i.e. financial, sexual, emotional and social, then what is the problem? Sounds like a win-win situation for everyone invoved.
pennylane, your right. But I wonder, we as women get emotionally attached and if there are women out there willing to be in half a relaltionship, then more power to them. I guess to me, I can't see past the cheating, the lying and most of all the the sneakiness of it all. I guess I am old school. But once again, if the wife KNOWS, accepts, and chooses this for herself, then who I am I to judge her, I just believe there aren't very many married women who would live this way, in sharing one man, especially if they have children, because the children will know about it and what does that teach them? Just my opinion.
where to even start. I am only 19 years old and had my first affair. He was my manager, and he was the guy that always made me laugh. I had a rough home life so it seemed like he was the only one who cared about me. After just 3 months I couldnt take it anymore, he would always say "I love you more then her" or "I cant wait until the day we get married" we talked about selling his house, moving and even kids. I ended up telling his wife myself, and she was heartbroken. It was so sad to see what I did to their marriage. Luckily they didnt have kids, but I hate when I hear the term home wrecker, do these wives not blame their husbands?! He sweet talked me and put me so low that I couldnt see anyone but him, he made me think he was the only one who loved me. He was a liar and I fell into HIS trap. I should have been smart enough from the beginning but he has a lot to be punished for too. His wife ended up staying with him and it has been the hardest thing to deal with. It has been 8 months since it ended and I still think of him everyday. I still cry myself to sleep because of him. I just wish us women could be smarter. to see through their fakness and lies. We deserve better.
I m a married lady vd two kids. My husband has a very flickering nature sometimes he is too good sometimes he is worst. i m married 4 7 yrs. Once During my hard times vd him i thought to leave him as he had sweezed me emotionaly.and 6 months back i met a handsum,gud natured guy who in 6 yrs younger 2 me in my workplace. He had cum there 4only 3-4 months n he fell in love vd me as initialy he thoght me as unmarried girl. He stsrted chating on internet and soon we started talking to eachother on phone,but until last day of his leaving my place we remained like gud frids and he wrote a story and gave it to me in condition dt i vl not cry as we were to see each other last time only. in dt story he disclosed how much he loved and he vl not luv anyone in ds life anymore.
Still we r talking 2 each other on phone.. enenn i too love him d most ... i used to pray god to meet sumone very close vd whom i can share everything... now i have met him we both love each other but cant hope to meet again.. whenever we think of our future we get tears...we havent met each other more than4 times dt too 4 only 15 min in formal environment, Now both of us dont know wt to pray to god as i cant ignore my children..bt at d same time i cant stop thinkin abt him,i think he has tuchd my soul n i m sure if i m to forget him i vll only lue\v god and cant love my husband as he has tortured me a lot in past.. but nowadays he is okk as i have also lost my job. Its a kind of sympathy but he is desperate for ny job again .
Now plz tell me wt shd i do?
I m a married lady vd two kids. My husband has a very flickering nature sometimes he is too good sometimes he is worst. i m married 4 7 yrs. Once During my hard times vd him i thought to leave him as he had sweezed me emotionaly.and 6 months back i met a handsum,gud natured guy who in 6 yrs younger 2 me in my workplace. He had cum there 4only 3-4 months n he fell in love vd me as initialy he thoght me as unmarried girl. He stsrted chating on internet and soon we started talking to eachother on phone,but until last day of his leaving my place we remained like gud frids and he wrote a story and gave it to me in condition dt i vl not cry as we were to see each other last time only. in dt story he disclosed how much he loved and he vl not luv anyone in ds life anymore.
Still we r talking 2 each other on phone.. enenn i too love him d most ... i used to pray god to meet sumone very close vd whom i can share everything... now i have met him we both love each other but cant hope to meet again.. whenever we think of our future we get tears...we havent met each other more than4 times dt too 4 only 15 min in formal environment, Now both of us dont know wt to pray to god as i cant ignore my children..bt at d same time i cant stop thinkin abt him,i think he has tuchd my soul n i m sure if i m to forget him i vll only lue\v god and cant love my husband as he has tortured me a lot in past.. but nowadays he is okk as i have also lost my job. Its a kind of sympathy but he is desperate for ny job again .
Now plz tell me wt shd i do?
All my life since i remember i have suffered many things. I was malested when I was five by an uncle, I've was neglected by my parents, my parents divorce, my mother remarrying and leaving me and my sibblings to go live with him. Most of my life I felt alone and abandoned. But by far this is the deepest pain and suffering I have ever felt yet. I am having an affair with a married man whom i love deeply. I am still married but seperated since about 2 years ago. I've been married for 13 years my husband is a good hearted man and a great father I loved him very much. He was my first boy friend, my first for everything. He has always since i met him has had a problem with drinking although he is not violent he would always put me down and i felt neglected me in every sence as his wife, as a woman, as the mother of his children, so i felt. I supported my family financialy for years he for seven years never gave me a penny. With all that said, I fell out of love with my husband. Intimacy with him was horrible I can say he was very selfish in that sence. I felt lonly, unloved, unappreciated and completely neglected. I'm not excussing my acctions by telling my story but it contributed to my decision to have this affair. I'm not ganna say it just happened I saw it comming and tried to avoid it but it was stronger than me. I've been having this affair for almost two years and it is by far the most painfull thing i have ever been thru. We work together we are alone most of the time so the temptation is always there. I love him so much and up to a few months ago i felt he loved me to. He has never said to me that he will leave his family for me nor would i ask that of him. He loves his children dearly and i know he loves her too they have been married for almost 20 years. At the beggining he said he felt neglected by her and i think thats what drew him to me. He at one point said to me that i was the love of his life that he has never felt so much love for some one like he did for me. Maybe im stupit but i beleived him. I've have seen him suffer because of this relationship because of the guilt he feels not being able to stop this. I know for certain that he will never leave her and still I cannot bring my self to end it. I suffer to know that he goes home to her and probably greets him with a kiss, fixes dinner for him and sleeps with him. I suffer when we are together and she calls him and he talks to her very sweetly and then he acts like nothing. He talked to me about her like he is so proud of her. Our relationship i feel is now only about sex there is no affection, no I love you's not even when he wants to be intimate with me he just starts touching me. I don't know why i put myself thru that. I have lost every thing because of this relationship including my dignaty and self respect but I cant stop I dont know how. I know this will eventually end and i will suffer greatly but its the least i deserve for being so week and sining against God. I have read so many things posted on this site and keep on reading hoping i read something that will trigger me to just end it before she finds out and leaves him. I don't want to ruin his family I know he will suffer so much but i cant help it. I love him so much!!! HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
inpain, my heart goes out to you. But as you pointed out he loves his wife. You must be just a sexual thing. I hope that you read your post and realize you yourself is admitting you are really nothing emotional to him. Why give him the power to use you for his own selfish reasons.
You have to be strong and realize that you deserve so much more, divorce your husband, and move one. There are so many good unmarried men in this world. I believe that you fell for him because of your situation within your marriage. Sometimes that makes us weak and we go to the first person who shows us a little attention.
I hope all of you OW read this post from in pain, because this is the real life of being with a mm. Inpain hold your head up and instead of thinking with your heart, use your brain, and look at the whole picture. My prayers are with you.
cintdy, Thank you for your understanding. All of this is very confusing to me. He is always the one who tells me we should stop doing this that it is a mortal sin that this will only bring distruction to our lives which i beleive to be true but then he is the one who initiates everything again. cintdy, I made love to him yesterday and it was like no other time he told me he loved me which he hadn't done in a while. I know, I know who am i kidding. I know his family and we have mutual aquatances I heard from one of them that his wife said he hasnt touched her since about 2 years now which is when we began our relationship. I confronted him with that and he said it was true that he couldnt be with her. I asked him why and why he wouldnt answer my question everytime i would ask him before and he said that all he thought about was me that he only wanted to be with me that he loved me and couldnt get him self to even look at her that way. That is what is confusing to me if he loves her why cant he be with her? I know it shouldnt matter any way. cintdy, I have looked at the whole picture and thas why I want to end this and maybe im being selfish by wanting to end it just so wont hurt so much any more and not because it just plain wrong. But trully, yes its because this this hurts to much but how do i do it. I work with him, I see him everyday, we own a business together, I can't just walk away. You, know i have no bad feelings towars his wife and i'm so ashamed for taking what rightfully belongs to her. I need to find a way to stop this relationship. I love him but i dont want him if that means i will ruin her and her childrens life. Thank you i do need your prayers.
impain, I realy feel for you. I just wish that you would get the courage to drop him. Is the sex worth the pain? I mean you basically have no real emotional support from him. I wouldn't believe what other people tell you about his marriage. Maybe he does love you but why is he still with his wife? She may get benefits from their marriage, but he isn't and if thats true why is he still with her. I guess I feel that you are just being used and being hurt all the time. Life is too damn short to continue this way. And you are married too. Once again, don't continue to do this to yourself, you are the one who has the power. You live with someone who doesn't love you and you love someone who isn't willing to be there for you 100%......
cintdy, He is still with her because he has seven children with her and well, yeah i guess he loves her some. I am praying for strength to do the right thing for me and my children. Also, I dont want to ruin his life if she finds out she will leave him and he will suffer greatly and I dont want that. I'm afraid to loose him but i realize that is the only way out. Thank you so much for your understanding and support. God bless you!!!!!!
inpain, please get some help for yourself, so that you can be complete for your children. Just read your last post, if she finds out she will leave him and HE WILL SUFFER GREATLY! What about you, your willing to take the pain so he can have his cake and eat it too. Please think about you and your children, he shouldn't come in the mix anymore. I will continue to pray for you and the strenght to move one. Take care!!!!!
Dear Veronica
I have been getting advice from someone on another site but would be interested to know your opinion.
My MM was introduced to me via my 14 year old daughter and his 14 year old who set us up on a date. This was because his wife of 15 years has been seeing and sleeping at her boyfriends house for most of the last 9 months and hasnt slept at home for the last 3 months via a couple of nights on the sofa. He considered marriage for life but she said it could only continue if she accepted an "open relationship " where they could both sleep with who they want to. To hang onto his marriage he agreed and for the last nine months gets the kids (age 14,15 and 11) breakfast and goes to work. She then turns up, goes in and out of the flat all day, organizes paying bills , his bank statements etc and then when the kids get home feeds them and then leaves at 10pm to be with her partner. I know all this to be true as my 14 year old daughter witnessed this as she used to go round to her friends a lot (their daughter). His wife invited me to dinner in a foursome with her lover within three days of me starting to see him. Until meeting me he had not had any relationship outside his marriage but stayed at home every night looking after the kids.
It was "love at first site" and he professed undying love, that I was the love of his life etc etc and he was going to divorce his wife. He discussed this and they announced it to the children, the 14 year old being the one who was very upset, the 15 year old totally supported him and the 11 year old seemed ok with it.
I have only known him two months but am crazy for him as he is me. It is now three times (including going to see a lawyer with me) he has said he is going to divorce her and has had discussions with her and she has persuaded him each time to stay. He is very weak when it comes to her, so the first excuse was that they'd agreed now to only divorce if one of them wanted to get married, for the sake of the kids, then he changed his mind (three days later) and decided he would divorce her anyway, so I was over the moon again. Then a couple of weeks ago his wife and their 14 year old persuaded him to stay on the basis he could see me and stay at my apartment regularly, but to stay at home and not get divorced for a couple of years.
Having told him from three days after I met him that I wanted to walk away as I felt so strongly for him and was very scared of getting hurt, and he was still married and I didn't want to be involved in this "open relationship" and the two times I told him I was walking away, within a day or two he had changed his mind and was going to get a divorce straight away. The third time he told me on the phone that he had changed his mind again, and wanted to continue our relationship, stay at his flat with his kids, her still seeing her boyfriend, and me staying at his flat and his at mine, all with her OK. I said no way and called it off and to please not contact me anymore. Told him to look me up if he got a divorce and not to contact me. About ten days late, I got an email saying how much he missed me. I replied re iterating my original mail…. Leave me alone and only come back if you are ever divorced.
I then, by pure chance bumped into him in the street, somewhere he wouldn't normally be. We went for a drink but couldn’t talk as a friend of mine joined us at the table and so I left quickly with the pretence of a meeting to go to.
He send me a text saying how he’d enjoyed seeing me and then another one which I ignored. That same day it became apparent his wife may have tried to block my daughters application to a new school. I texted him and called him and for once he didn’t reply, which made me suspicious. Then he called me back, it was about midnight and I suggested he pop to my part of town and we went for a two hour walk.
I am 43 and had always wanted another child, but thought it was too late. We had previously discussed marriage, having a child.. he had even started looking at flats and he has now said that he will have a vasectomy reversal the end of July (I guess as a sign of commitment) as he knows it takes up to twelve months post operation for success as in good chance of getting me pregnant. So if he doesn’t have it now and then divorces his wife in a year, we would have lost a year. He wants me to go with him to the UK for the operation and I have agreed. I’ve also said that the evening we spent together was a one off and not to text or email me, that I will email him the names of the two top surgeons in London and once he’s booked, will book my flight too. I’d of course only try to get pregnant if he was divorced and we were married, so its kind of a just in case really.
So we’re now not seeing each other till the operation, if I can keep it up. Do you think this is going anywhere?
bejizzled,
Your situation is not what this hub is about. I just want to make sure you realize that. This hub is about lying, cheating, and deceit. None of that has occurred in your situation. Your bf is part of an open relationship. That is something entirely different. No one here is being lied to. You, him, his legal wife and her bf all knew exactly what the situation was and chose to get involved in it or stay involved in it with total awarity.
I think the situation with your bf is what it is: he is very tied to his legal wife, and involved with his 3 children. He is also quite obviously not the dominant partner there. I am completely perplexed why you would want to take an already complicated situation with an extremely submissive man, and make it more complicated and give him even more responsibility. You are the one that wants and brought up his getting divorced, having surgery, and having another child. These were not his ideas and certainly not things he sought. You have to think about that for a moment. You're 43, and you're choosing to commit the next 20 years of child rearing with someone that had a vasectomy. I think you're doing alot of convincing yourself that these things are mutual. Whether you talked him into them, or whether he did have these desires deep down, doesn't change the fact that he didn't seek them out, press for them, or instigate them.
You asked if I think this can go anywhere, and I'm asking back, why do you want it to? Where do you think this can go? I think if you want to keep dating this guy, that's fine. It's an open and honest situation, but not everyone can handle it. There's no shame either way. But wanting to create a whole new life with someone who can't extricate himself from his old life (and even if he did, had to be pushed and prodded) is not the smartest decision you could make. And don't forget whatever you tie yourself to, you've also tied your daughter to.
Thanks for your advice, which is tough. You are right that the vasectomy reversal was my idea, which he went along with. Having the reversal in the first place he told me was his wife who presurised him into it.
The divorce wasn't my idea (which came before the vasectomy idea). It was his response to my walking away as I do not want to be in an open relationship as I cannot personally deal with it at all.
I said this from the word go so didn't deliberately get involved from the word go (tried to leave three days after I'd met him), when he then said he'd leave her. Says he doesn't believe in open relationships either, but is concerned about what an acrimonious divorce will do to the kids, although I can't see how it can be good for them to see their mother sneaking off every night to be with another guy and even taking them out with him and having them over to his house.
My daughter really likes this man and would love him to live with us. She knew him for a year before me and was the one that introduced us, so effectively self selecting a father figure (her own father has never wanted to meet her).
The only open thing about his relationship with his wife was her with another man for nine months before I came along, which as you know she encouraged and only became jealous and tried to stop us when she realised he was serious about me and he is her meal ticket. He never wanted an open relationship.
I take your point though about the vasectomy.. the way I saw it was that even if we didn't end up together what had he got to lose. But I guess I should double check that he's not just doing it to please me.
I don't want to keep dating this guy in an open relationship. At all. Which is why I asked if you thought it might go anywhere ie would he leave his wife. I don't get how someone can watch their wife go off and sleep at another mans house everynight and stay in looking after the kids and never going out. But I guess you're saying he won't extricate himself. I appreciate its not the main throw of this hub.. but there aren't any I can find which match my situation... it must be quite rare. It helps somehow writing it down. Anyway.. guess I'm no nearer except I will think much harder about the reversal.
I emailed him saying I'd had second thoughts on the reversal, that it was wrong to do it for me, that in anycase I was sure he would still be with his wife in 12 months time, so to please leave me alone and not go out with my daughter (she of course knew him before I did so as far as shes concerned why shouldn't she) and to please drink elsewhere other than my local english bar in my road to avoid us bumping into each other (he never went there before he met me). Got an email back. This is just torture.
Darling xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am not having second thoughts about the operation, and this is something I want to do for me, as much as for you. Yes, it is a sign of my commitment to you and us, but it is also something I have wanted to do for myself for quite a while now. When you brought up the issue of having children, I agreed and still feel the same. I still dream of marriage and a baby with you (and think of it every day), and I do not feel it is a pipe dream. I think that the timing will hopefully not be too late, as I plan on being divorced in less than 12 months - and I will make it happen.
I am sorry that you regret bumping into me. It really pains me to see you hurting so much. I love you, had a great time, and wish we could continue to see each other while I work out my divorce. The other night, as you say, reminded us of what we had. That reinforced for me what I believe to be a certainty - we will be together, and, I believe, we should continue to be together now. How can we not let such a love between us have every opportunity to flourish. We know how special we are, and I hate to think that we may regret for the rest of our lives not having been stuck with it. I really think I will never meet anyone like you again, and want to be with you.
With respect to seeing each other and what I should or shouldn't do, or where I should or shouldn't go, I like the x pub and want to continue to go there. If we cannot be together, then it doesn't mean we cannot be nice to each other if we bump into each other, or that we should go out of our way to avoid each other (I have no problem with you being there on Thursday, for example). I also enjoy my time with xxxxx (my daughter) and hope she would wish to continue to do things together occasionally. Of course, as I love you so much I do not want to make things harder for you than they already are and will try not to, but things do not have to be this way.
You and my children are my life. Please be with me while I work out my life so that we can be together for ever. If we continue to believe in each other we will be fine.
All my love,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
What I find interesting, is how people comment and call the other woman a 'whore', and totally put her down.
First of all, who is anyone to judge? Oh, that's right... we are all perfect people, confident, bullet-proof self-esteem... yeah, okay.
I was the other woman for a very brief 4 month period. I am in my early 30's, divorced, and have children of my own. Mr. Wonderful, has children as well. I've known him for years.. never would have thought I would ever have an affair with a married man. I used to judge women who did, until I found myself in that same situation.
He was the one lying to his wife, not me. He never talked about her... he would talk about me, how incredibly sexy I was, that I was always on his mind, couldn't wait to see me. Would plan a week or two in advance for us to get together... even wanted me to stay at his house while the wife n kids were on vacation (my response: are you out of your mind?) The sweet talk and attention was great, no doubt, but... it's just talk. It's not love, not even close... don't fool yourselves into believing anything else.
When reality hit me... and I put the emotions and all of the butterfly feelings aside, REALITY hit me big time. I've been divorced before, had another bad relationship after my divorce where i was cheated on... and I thought to myself, 'what the hell am i doing?' I know for myself... in my 'affair' situation, I know I am confident, I KNOW I deserve better and the wife deserves better. I know, for a fact, that I can and will have a 'single' guy, and a great one. People sometimes have affairs just because... yes, sometimes things, stupid things really just happen. Sorry, but that's just life. Just like drugs and one day waking up and realizing your an alcoholic... bad things happen to good people, sometimes unexpectedly, and as fast as you can blink an eye... so think before you judge anyone in any given situation.
So, please don't judge and call us "whores" and "stupid" and blah, blah, blah... Because regardless of what any of you think... married men (and single) are not attracted to women who are not confident and with low self-esteem, quite the contrary. Only until after the affair starts, do these women become insecure... I see it as someone dabbling with drugs or alcohol... all fun in the beginning, but once you become dependent on it, it just snowballs and your life goes downhill... So, some food for thought for all of you bullet-proof ladies out there who have never done a screwed up thing in your perfect life (yeah.. okay) (yeah, wives... that includes you, too).
I think the wives need to start paying attention, ...if you feel in your gut something isnt right, hubby working too many hours than usual, going out more with his so-called 'friends'... wake up.
I think wives want to call us whores because they're really mad that they married a man-whore who can't seem to take his marriage vows seriously enough.
Also, do you honestly think "mistresses" are looking to date your husband? ...Really? Here's a dose of reality for you... and it's not personal, if your wonderful hubby was happy at home, there's no way in hell he would 'act' on having an affair EVEN if it was being thrown in his face. Sure, it's human nature to be attracted to other people, and even be tempted... it happens to every human being. But not everyone should act on it. Don't get mad at the mistress, get mad at him. I don't mean that you're the one to blame (the wife), but whatever it is, he is not happy in his home life, or with himself...most likely, himself.. and he escaped. And/or, he's just a cheating SOB who may have a great home life, but just wants to be completely selfish.
Wives, it starts with your hubby, I know that's not what you want to hear, but, it's true. He has two wonderful, beautiful women who he is hurting and causing pain, and to his children. Who's fault is it really...
Before I acted on this affair, and the married man I was with was initiating the affair... I just remember thinking 'is he for real? I thought he was such a good guy, he must really be so dis-connected with what is going on in his home life to run off with someone else'
We had fun, great sex.. he even said he got the butterflies around me, we had great chemistry, etc... I thought the same too, except for the reality that he will never be mine, and even in my fairy-tale thoughts if he was mine one day... he'd be making up excuses to me, saying he had to work late, go to a retirement party, etc... NO THANK YOU.. I think I'll go find myself a true partner, a faithful one who will communicate with me when things are not working, and have respect, integrity and be loyal. Yes, they are out there.
Wives...hang in there, if you decide to stay... he needs to put in the extra effort, counseling, whatever he has to do to prove that he has seen the error of his ways... OR, walk out on his cheating, lying @ss, and don't look back
Other woman- Walk away TODAY. Not just one more time, or... oh, but next week we have plans... yada, yada, yada... do it, quit wasting your precious time (life is too short) and your gorgeous self on someone who is so unworthy of you... go get a better man, you know deep down you deserve better, don't ever believe you deserve less... why ever doubt yourself and believe that you deserve some lying, cheating @ss.. and that he could ever deserve to be your soulmate. You ARE better than that... better yet, RUN... don't walk and you will feel so liberated and strong... that your newfound confidence will bring a really great one into your life...
get_a_grip,
I love your perspective and comments to the wives and the OW.
To the OW I just want to say , if your relationship with the MM is causing you too much pain - then get out! It is what it is.
To the wives I say, if you don't want to lose this man, then do what it takes to keep him at home.
getagrip/pennylane, I don't believe that the wive is to blame for her husbands charcater flaws. And there is proof that most men, at least 90% of them will and do act on cheating, especially if there is a willing woman. MM in love with their wives cheat. It's the animal in them. In my opinion the OW,(maybe not all, but most) are flawed too, because they let these men get over on them...I think that women should get a grip, they suffer, they get hurt, they are used, because most wives will forgive their husbands and the OW is left to pick up the pieces. OW, read the other posts, very, very few men leave their wives and children, because they love them, you are a distraction to the everyday ups and downs of life. In the end of the day the wife gets everything and you are left with regret and most of all humilation. The wive isn't to blame for reason of, "if you are not doing your job at home, he wouldn't be cheating", that's a cop out for the MM and for the OW.
I have a question rather than a view first... Why do OW seem to say that the MM is their soul mate? what is it that drives mainly single women to believe and the said MM that they are soul mates rather than the wives the MM are with and the single women can see instead?
I ask because maybe and this makes none of this any easier on any party but its same minded game players hooking up and thinking they are more suited that what they can easily have?
I have been saying no for 2 years on and off. I feel awful as it keeps happening, he doesn't deny he loves his wife, he does not promise to leave her but he does love being with me when I say only mates and of course when I say yes to more. But he is like me in his attitude, chase, insecurities. I can't commit and I scare single men as am a little independent. His outlook on life is like mine.
Are OW all just seeing this stuff where it doesn't exist or really is it a case of people unhappy in their later lives finding this because they want to? (I'm 33 btw) This doesn't make any excuses and I in no way imagine that he doesn't love his family life, as my female friend who loved her kids loved her life when she cheated.
I have a hard time telling someone I care for them, because I know I cant be with MM, I also know there is a get out clause if he hurts me. So I feel free to tell him, maybe he can't tell his wife what he feels anymore so he tells me. I will be honest and say that he could be the learning experience I need to find someone free and be honest with. Maybe he needs to find what he is missing so he can take that back? maybe relationships are not all so 2 dimensional. And yes I have been cheated on, and I hope no one takes this the wrong way but I'd like your opinions, its not all MM = evil, OW = slapper and insecure and W = needy and unloving.
I went to NYC 4 weeks ago to confront my husband about his other woman, who told me that my husband lives with her, which was news to me. I called his cell phone one day and she answered his phone. I asked her who she was and why did she have his phone ... that's how it came out. This other woman is a known prostitute and crackhead; and she told me that they have a 7-year-old son. Our 9th anniversary is on August 8, so that means if this is true (can I ask for and get a DNA test as part of a divorce action?), he got with her sometime in 2003.
The confrontation with my husband didn't go as planned - meaning, I didn't get the answers to the questions I had. Up until March 25 of this year, I assumed/he led me to believe, that we were okay. We hadn't had a conversation since that date, when I cut off my other cell phone that he had because he hadn't been calling me like he should have been, and he wasn't helping me with the bill. He was calling a lot of people on a daily basis but not me, and I felt that this was disrespectful to me, and I got tired of paying for his disrespect.
I need to clarify some things. My husband and I have been separated since Christmas Eve 2008. He is in NYC and I am in FL. We separated because he claimed that his mother had an enlarged heart and "she needs me"; she's a widow and he's her only child. He also has a drug problem and I couldn't deal with that. There were other issues too. His mother has been a major point of contention in our marriage; she's interfered with our relationship in a lot of ways and I got tired of him putting her first all the time. He manipulated things to the point that she and I haven't been speaking for upwards of 5 years, and at one time, she and I had a really good relationship, and I missed her. He's created a lot of friction between me and his other family members. One thing that I found out during my recent trip is that his wanting to return to NY was NEVER about his mother; he is extremely abusive and disrespectful to her. When I arrived in NY, I found out where my husband has been staying, and it is an active crackhouse. I was watching this house for the first of the 2 days I was in NY from my rental car; I was trying to catch my husband alone to confront him, and I wanted to see who this other woman was. As I was watching and waiting, I suddenly had an urge to call his mother. I don't know why the urge hit me right then, but I acted on it. I called her, I told her I was in NY, and I asked her if she needed anything or had anywhere she needed to go. She said no, but she immediately started talking to me about my husband, her son. She told me that he had her van, she hadn't seen him for almost 3 months, she was planning to call the police the next day to have them find her van and return it to her, he hasn't been calling her or coming home to see about her, etc. I told her that I was looking at her van, and I gave her the address. She sent a neighbor who has been helping her out to get the van, and when he arrived at the scene and tried to start it, he couldn't, because my husband had locked the steering wheel somehow and the key wouldn't turn. To get to the end of this part of my pain, my husband came out of this crackhouse once he realized that both of us (me an his mother) were outside (he was shocked), and he sped off to his mother's house, extremely angry because I found him AND had his mother with me, and when we got back to her house, he proceeded to call both of us every vile name in the book for all to hear. The neighbor was so angry at the way he was speaking to us, that he had tears in his eyes. There is just so much to my story, I can't write it all here.
The reason I've posted this is, I don't know what to do with my pain. The part that upsets me the most is, why did I have to find this out from the other woman and not my husband? He had every opportunity to discuss any and everything with me, and he failed to do that. How can he be so cruel after all the time we've been married? How can this other woman be so cruel, telling me about the incredible sex they're having, and telling me that they have each other's names tattooed on their neck (that hurt me bad), What have I done to deserve this? All this because of a cell phone? I've been talking to people, including a mental health person, and it doesn't help me. My daughter has been trying her best to console me, but it's not helping me. I've been having a hard time at work, and I drive a city bus. One day, when I first found out, I asked to be relieved because I couldn't focus on driving and I couldn't deal with the passengers (emotionally). I haven't been able to eat. I can't sleep. Why couldn't my husband just tell me, and better yet, why couldn't he send me divorce papers first, before moving in with this woman? I have given my husband the very best of me. Why won't he give me the answers that I need to try and get past this? Sometimes I really feel like I want to die because the pain is unbearable. Tomorrow is my birthday and this just SUCKS. God please help me. Somebody help me with this pain.
JustUnbelievable,
Let me get this straight, you have been separted from this man since 2008, he lives in NY and you in FL, he has a drug problem, his mistress is a crackhead and a prostitute and knowing all this makes matters worse? You think that if he told you it would be better?
You should be jumping with joy that he is out of your life.
Justunbelieveable, I feel really sorry for you, but honey, this guy is a drug addict and so is his mistress and that is why they have great sex and a connection to one another. It sucks, the pain, the betrayal, the humilation and that will stay with you for awhile. Nothing or nobody can take what you feel away, other than Giving it all to God.....Be strong and have faith, you really don't need a person like this. His problems is the drugs!!!!! and that need is so strong and powerful that it comes first, not even his mistress will be number one.
So, having an affair with a married man. We've known each other several years. We've always chatted and been friendly. I've always had a huge crush on him but never said anything because well, he's married. But, so am I. I have been having problems with my marriage. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm a idiot. My husband is not a bad person. He holds me on a pedestal, which i deserve to be kicked over. We argue, usually over financial stuff and the fact that my husband is also my coworker is no help. We work together everyday, I'm his boss. Then, we go home together. We have 2 children. Anyway, After 7 years of marriage, I feel like I love my husband but am no longer in love with him. I don't want to hurt our family. Everything I just said about my life, my MM has just about the same issues minus the working together thing but, he has the being pressured to have another child thing going which, he didn't want the fist 2, (although he's grateful for them and loves them dearly which is why he isn't divorced either). Anyway, I go back and forth, contemplating. We both got married young and for the wrong reasons. We've talked and basically, we found each other too late. Now, we're in this predicament. I love him. I hate that I do. We were friends first. Really good ones. I don't even really know how the affair started exactly. We were discussing our relationship issues, which is somewhat normal for us anyway. And I really can't remember... Because I am married, I treat my MM no differently. He sees me in the morning, not all made up. He knows my faults. Since we were just friends, I really have no secrets that I can think of... However, my point. I don't want a affair. I don't want to hurt my family, his family and I want to somehow be happy. So confused! I know I'm going to get hell from everyone here. I feel horrible. I feel like the scum of the earth. Not to make excuses but, If it weren't for our kids, we would be together. Does anyone have any constructive advice? Other than to tell me to eat $hit and burn in hell?
big fat s............Look if your not happy at home then leave. You think your kids don't feel the tension. And how can a man and a waman ever really be friends. I can understand your situation. If you don't love your husband,then let him go. Your MM should also stop and tell his wife. Listen, my husband stopped loving me but was a coward and stayed with me and kept cheating.He was with her for six years. I rather he hurt me and tell me he fell in love with someone else. We were high school sweethearts, and married young. And as the wife, he was so distant from me at the time. I knew something was wrong, had a gut feeling he had someone else, but instead of just telling me he continued to one day show me love and the next treat me bad. So I was at the point that he must love me, or dose he love me? I would have rather he tell me, be hurt and then pick myself up and move one and have a chance to be happy. He confused the hell out of me. I had two small girls, was pregnant with the second when he was cheating. I don't know, I guess as the wife, I would of gotten over him, and found myself a good life. My girls would of been happier, instead of living with two people love each other one day or two days, and fight for the other two days. Its a roller coster and the children sufferred. So my advise to leave, and give your husband the chance to find someone that is completely committed to him. Your children will survive and may even be happier, if you are happy. Your MM is also a coward to stay, the children is no reason to stay in an uhappy marriage. Everyone is miserable....Please the hurt of finding out years later is devastating for me. I feel as is my marriage, my life with my husband was a lie. I question myself all the time, did he ever really love me, was he depressed because he lost her, or how could he be so unfeeling to look at me everyday and know that he has just been in another womans bed. End the marriage for you, for your Husband and children. Give him a chance to be happy and stop what you are doing, because it really is a blow to your heart and very soul to be with someone who you love and not know if they ever loved you but stayed married for some other reason. Good luck and I hope you find the answers, this is just my point of view and how I felt and still feel. His affair was 20yrs ago and I found out in 2007, my whole life fell apart and today I feel so cheated and will never know if he stayed for me???????? take care
Found out 2 months ago that my husband is committing adultery with a colleague - a married woman with 3 kids! Totally brainless. He even told me he fell in love with her and he cannot stop it. He has found the one. I found their disgusting smses.
Problem is, we have a child and I still love him very much. What can I do?
Is he just confused and that I should give him sme time to sort out his feeling or am I being plain stupid for hanging on?
I do not understand why would he want to be involved with a married woman. And the OW's husband has not found out. Though things at home are not so rosy, but it can't be so bad, right? Since he has not divorced me but now because of her, he is thinking of it.
And worse, he is using "stimulants" i.e. viagra while with her. I mean is this lust or love? Wonder if he plans to use those forever with her?
I wonder how worse can life be for me?
Casey - I have the same question ... why wouldn't my husband have me served with divorce papers first before moving in with the other woman? I posted my story 2 weeks ago and I'm still hurting (which is subsiding a little bit). And I still haven't heard from him.
To pennylane: Yes - I would have appreciated some honesty before it got to the point it has. The stunning level of deceit by him is devastating.
this is for sarah who is a journalist and had an emotional affair with a cop. You need to investigate further as cops have a high divorce rate and a very high cheating rate. Go to officer.com and read their own articles.
the reason he kept calling you and texting you is because you were the only one who told him 'no'. he has "Badge Bunnies" all over him. He can at a moments notice heve exciting sex where ever he wants......because he can. trust me you arent the first and you are not the last. and he is going on his second divorce. you told a very lovely romantic love story tho
I've read all of the posts from as far back as 3 years ago. It has really helped me to find the strength to do what's RIGHT.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for 2.5 years. It started when my marriage was in ruins. I felt depressed, worthless, hurt, etc... We work together and during our conversations we started talking about our failed marriages. How unhappy we were in them blah, blah, blah... It all started as just mutual venting. It didn't take long to progress into a full-fledged affair. I left my husband shortly after the affair started. Not because of the affair, but because my marriage was over. He was supposed to do the same. Well, surprise surprise...He hasn't left yet. 2.5 years of excuses, saying he feels so guilty, that his wife is a good person who doesn't desrve what he's(we're) doing to her. But he's in love with me and can't see his life without me in it. I have told him repeatedly that if he's going to leave her, it has to be because the marriage is over and not because of me. He told me recently that if we were not seeing each other, he would not think of leaving her. He would stay and be miserable with her. Hmmmmmm.....
Over the last few months he has started to become very controlling. He gets angry whenever I want to spend time with my friends, saying they are not good people to be friends with. He wants me to be home, waiting for him to have time for me. How stupid I have been to have allowed him to make me feel so trapped. I feel bad for his wife. She has known about the affair for the past 2 years and I think she is just trying to wait it out. Well, I think her wait is over. I am a horrible person to have done the things I have done. I never saw myself as the kind of person capable of having an affair. I hated the women who did those things, I always thought they were so stupid! Now here I am, trapped, lonely, heartbroken over what I am going to have to do.
As I re-read this I realize more than ever just how pathetic I sound. Many of you are probably thinking that I deserve to feel this broken. I would have thought the same thing before it happened to me.
I am just so scared to be without him. What's wrong with me?
Sostupid, what are you scared of? That you won't be controled, won't be sitting alone waiting for when he has the time to see you, not being able to be with your own friends? Your afaid of losing all those good things in your life? Come on, don't let this MM use you! You were strong enough to leave a marriage you were unhappy with, so why jump fromt the frying pan into the fire. I hope you do feel horrible for his wife, and do feel guilt for the affair, it means your have empathy for her. It's make you more human than some of these OW. I wish you luck and do pray you stop this affair, for yourself and most of all for you own self-respect.
Im the wife and found out my husband had been havin an affair for 5 months. My daughter was 9 weeks old when I found out and I was totaly heartbroken. Weve been split up for 7 months and hes finally realised the grass aint greener and wants to come home. I still love him and am willing to give hime another chance, we were together 16 years and married for 3 years. I believe that sometimes people do make mistakes and deserve a second chance so im following my heart on this one x x x
I am a 44 year old woman who has been widowed for twelve years. Childless. My husband was a police officer. All this time I have never let another man so much as to touch me since my husband was taken away from me. Until now.
I have a Bachelor's and work in a lab at a biotech firm. Over the past eight months I have become very close friends with a relatively new hire at my company, a Ph.D. My BOSS'S boss. He's very kind. Smart. Gorgeous. Six feet three inches tall with a stomach flat as the Great Plains. Tawny brown hair with deep hazel eyes. About my age (five months younger than I am). He's married with a son and a daughter.
We talk. A LOT. About things I know his wife would be upset about knowing but he has never said anything mean or demeaning about her, and neither have I. I can't. I've haven't met her. But I've seen her- from a distance.
He has always been appreciative of my work and helping him settle in this company. And very complimentary of the way a dress, act, and look. I care for him deeply, and he has made it QUITE clear that he cares for me. And yes, things are well on their way to becoming physical between us.
To look at me you'd think I'd be the last woman on the planet that would be a mistress. Five feet tall and ninety five pounds soaking wet. Fair skin and blue eyes. But here I am. And before the screams of 'ho' or 'bytch' or 'jezebel' begin their shrill din I'm here to say that I've slept with three men in my entire life. Said 'I love you' to two of them. And have only cared to marry one. My husband.
I don't know for sure what the future will hold for my colleague and I. He has said very gently to me that he is committed to making his marriage work. But I know he's not totally happy in it. I have said to him that I understand. I have absolutely no intentions of ever remarrying, so I don't feel like I'm vying for a trophy. And he has said he's enjoyed very much being with me, especially in our off time after work before we head out to our respective houses. We're very empathetic of each other's situation. So in a weird way, we're perfect for each other.
Tara_in_Me, You talk about youself and say you bascially have been a very moral woman. Why don't you think about your husand, and sit a ponder the idea of another woman talking to him about things you wouldn't want him to be telling another woman. Knowing that you love your husband and was committed to only him during your marriage, to find out he wasn't.? Look you and your co-worker are cheathing. He's cheating on his wife with you, emotionally! So honey you are the OW, stop it now and continue to be the woman you say you are. If you respect yourself, end this friendship....open your mind and realize that you wouldn't want this done to you. Have some empathy for his family. I am sorry, but you are wrong and already in a cheating affair. I feel sorry for you because you will lose in the end, not him! Stop fooling yourself, Good luck.
Tara_in_Ne... Jeeze another romance novel ...
how can you people that try to fantasize in your mind that it is " we are perfect for each other " when in reality....number one, you work together... when it's over, you will get fired.... number two.... he is married, and you are not perfect for each other...
you are a selfish woman. and you are discrasing your disceased husband. I hope his family doesnt find out what a slut you are.
BTW,,, you DID say he is committed to making his marriage work, DID THIS NOT GET THRU TO YOU? so how does f***ing him make him work on his marriage?????
oh yes, you said he is committed to making his making his marriage work,, what about that do you not understand?
Cindy/Sue/September Gurl,
please STOP being a troll and commenting and bringing down every woman who posts here! It's so obvious you are the same person as your writing skills are sub-par. How dare you call Tara a slut and say she is disrespecting her dead husband!!!! Who made you the moral authority just b/c your husband cheated on you? I think you need to go to Loveshack.org and vent there and stop being a judgmental troll!
Linda,
Cintdy, September Gurl, and Sue from way back have unique dedicated ip addys. They are not the same person. Just like your ip (96.49.235.150 Shaw Communications, Vancouver, BC Canada) is a unique dedicated one.
Your ip address also shows on this thread as Reality Check and Sarah.
I find it interesting that you think you can come onto My Hub and tell My Commenters which ones can and can't post here, and make unfounded accusations when you've posted here under 3 names. Please don't submit anymore comments. Your ip is blocked. You're not welcome here anymore. Thank you.
cintdy, I don't know if you remember me. I am still stugling with this affair this is becoming more painful every day. I know he will never leave his family and I know this will someday end. I'm starting to regret all of this I'm starting to feel lonely and scared that i will acually die alone and i probably deserve it. I distroyed my family and any chance of my kids having a normal life. I want to end this I dont want to do this any more but i cant seem to do it. Please pray for me.
I would like to say I am sorry, for I have never called any one a slut ever in my entire life. What a coward I am to hide behind a computer and say such horrid things to someone in torment. I am sorry. I however.... Linda, or whomever you may be.... I am only one person. and my ex never cheated, I left him, a gorgeous Italian man,, Ten years younger than me.... and my hub page is the one...." Is my Partner Jealous Of my Success" yes he was... and I left the loser.
In pain; you yourself have to get the help you need to let go of this MM. No one can make you stop loving him, but loving someone is not enough....you are longey and in PAIN! Once you say to him No More, the pain will eventually and gradually go away in time. I will pray for you and you will over come this time in your life. It's better to hurt for awhile than to live with the pain. Take Care
cintdy, I dont want to live with the pain. I know that i will be much better of with out him in my life and I pray to God to take him out of it. I know I have to do it and its not only because i love him that i can't let go. We also own a business together we see each other mostly every day. I know the only way is never to see him again and cut all contact with him but how do i do it with the business and all. I am a single mother of four and this is the only thing i have to support my kids with. I guess i just need advise as to HOW to do this cuz i know i have too and i really want to. I dont know how to do it. I dont know where to start.
I like to read this comments occasionally and have come back to them over the past year and wondered how a woman could fall in love with a married man. You see, for the past year, I've been seeing (sleeping with, really) a married man and while I thought I could handle it, now it has become obvious that I can not. I think of him all the time and even though I am no longer married, I can't even date other men because I compare them all to him. He is incredible and I know as long as we continue to see each other that I will not date. The connection is so strong and although I will not give him the satisfaction of telling him how much I am in love with him, he knows. Recently he has started talking about leaving his wife and I don't want to hear it as I know it's a lie, but part of me is starting to think of a future with this man. Yet, I know this will never happen. Tonight I looked up his wife on the internet, really dug around some, and she seems wonderful and caring. A good Christian woman and I feel like a thief. She comments on one particular site about how supportative her husband is to her and on another how much she loves him. This is not the woman he made her out to be. She is not the unfeeling, cold witch he made her out to be. She's a great person and I am not half the person she is. He is lying to us both and part of me wants to tell her how he has been carrying on behind her back. Suddenly, I have respect for her and even though I do love him in this twist wrong way, I have to end it with him. Somehow I must get the nerve to stop what I'm doing. I don't want to wake up years from now alone, depressing and feeling guilty for deceiving this woman. I just need to figure out how to do it.
I like to read this comments occasionally and have come back to them over the past year and wondered how a woman could fall in love with a married man. You see, for the past year, I've been seeing (sleeping with, really) a married man and while I thought I could handle it, now it has become obvious that I can not. I think of him all the time and even though I am no longer married, I can't even date other men because I compare them all to him. He is incredible and I know as long as we continue to see each other that I will not date. The connection is so strong and although I will not give him the satisfaction of telling him how much I am in love with him, he knows. Recently he has started talking about leaving his wife and I don't want to hear it as I know it's a lie, but part of me is starting to think of a future with this man. Yet, I know this will never happen. Tonight I looked up his wife on the internet, really dug around some, and she seems wonderful and caring. A good Christian woman and I feel like a thief. She comments on one particular site about how supportative her husband is to her and on another how much she loves him. This is not the woman he made her out to be. She is not the unfeeling, cold witch he made her out to be. She's a great person and I am not half the person she is. He is lying to us both and part of me wants to tell her how he has been carrying on behind her back. Suddenly, I have respect for her and even though I do love him in this twist wrong way, I have to end it with him. Somehow I must get the nerve to stop what I'm doing. I don't want to wake up years from now alone, depressing and feeling guilty for deceiving this woman. I just need to figure out how to do it.
i am so glad to have found this website
Met my ex after 20yrs and surprisingly we still connect.
Initially, it was only a lunch but that led to BED - just within a month (that's also how long our relationship lasted)
After the BED issue - i finally found the courage to let go - it was painful and i didnt realise that it will hurt so badly.
Sometimes, i wonder is it because all this while - i did still love him .. or why does my feeling for him resurfaced after not being in contact with him for 20yrs??
The day i decided to be free was very painful - as the days passed, it became worse - if not for GOD and this website - my heart would have chosen to live in darkness.
looking back - i muz admit that it was emotional for me and i think desire for him ..
lonesomelinda, I hope that your post will open a few of the OW eyes here. 99.5% of MM make the wife out to be a bitch.....MM are all liars, to you and to their wives. I hope that you find peace and glad you found out all about his wife. I wish you the best and hope that you do end it, because in reality, you will end up alone and loney, and he'd have had the best of both worlds. Good Luck!!!!
Okay, this is a first for me. Most of the posts on this blog sound sincere, sensitive and intelligent, and since I'm relatively understanding of what is being communicated here, I'd like to contribute.
I just ended an extremely, wild, exotic, affair with a married man. We are both passionately in love with each other, but I (after one month) realized that it would be too painful for me to continue.
What I don't understand about this sort of thing is why people torment themselves for months and years! It sort of reminds me of people that smoke cigarettes in this day and age. You know that if you continue smoking that it's just a matter of time before you are dragging a bottle of oxygen behind you.
There is not person in the world that could claim to be more perfectly paired with my lover and I in terms of intellectual, physical, and spiritual ways. But why in the world would you continue giving yourself in such spectacular degrees to a person that will not, or cannot change their unhappy circumstances? I could not, and was not willing to allow myself to continue on in such unsatisfying circumstances! I would be alone after being with him, and my soul would just shrivel.
My post here is a sincere challenge to all of you that are caught in this terrible trap to extricate yourselves, and look for something real and genuine.
Love, love, love....
Desertmermaid, while you are totally right about you and your MM, I commend you for that. Let me ask you this, if you both were so perfect together, physically, intellectually, & spiritually, then why didn't he leave his wife if he was so unhappy?
You had a wild, exotic affair for a month, and in that month you were both passionately in "LOVE"? It was "PASSIONATELY IN LUST".
I am happy for you, you at least realized what was in store for you. I hope you find someone who is good for you, you deserve better..... Good Luck
Hello Cindty,
This is a man I've known for a while. We were friends prior to becoming lovers, and whether or not it was love or lust isn't really the point. He says he won't leave until his son graduates from high school. I can relate because my former husband and I did the same thing.
What's interesting though is that our children later came to me and criticized us for not divorcing when they were younger. We didn't yell and scream, or that sort of outward expression of unhappiness, but whatever we did, or whatever we were feeling - apparently the children felt it too.
With the aforementioned lover however, the feelings were so intense and powerful that it was just frustrating when he had to leave and "go home." I "got" what a terrible trap it was, and just forced myself not to accept that situation.
I don't know that anyone that compatible with me will ever happen into my life again, but still, human beings are not meant to compromise to that degree.
Ah, I'm rambling...forgive me.
In reading through these posts I feel such love and compassion for all of you. Life is so complicated sometimes. One thing I've learned for sure is that we all need love.
desertmermaid, well said. You know that I feel this, my opinion, that whatever the MM situation in his marriage, he should be honest with his wife. You are smart and I am sure it hurts. Marriage is something that is hard work....there is no integrity in any person, man or woman,who cheats. I have no respect for anyone who cheats, let alone try to condone it with the unhappiness he is creating. You see, because of being with someone else, that MM will not put any effort in his marriage. Is it fair for the wife? I say it's not. I am a wife, and I have been cheated on, I forgave, but that pain never goes away, it's like losing someone to death...the hurt is unforgettable. As the wife, I write here and try to in some way let the OW know the wife's side. As much as the OW hurts, she did that to herself, she had a choice and the wife is really innocent,she had no choice because she isn't aware most of the time. It's painful, and once again I appauled you for being so honest. I wish you all the best. You will find someone who is compatible and free.....
To 'Linda"-
If you're still out there, thanks so much. I know your heart was in the right place.
septembergurl-
No worries. It's all good. Thanks.
As I said in my previous post, things were on their way to becoming physical between him and me; we haven't had any 'hey baby-your place or mine' escapades.
cindty-
Thanks so much for your brutal honesty.
Actually we did talk about it. Stopping what was about happen, that is. He just came back from vacation this week, after being out for two weeks. We talked about it yesterday. He was torn, I could tell. He told me that he needed to focus his time and energy on his wife and family. He also said that he hated putting me in the potentially volatile position that I was in and couldn't stand that any longer. I explained to him again that I understood and that the last thing I wanted was to make him or myself look bad to anyone, and he knew what I meant.
He wasn't overly suprised by my reaction. It didn't seem to ease his angst, however.
What can I say? It hurts. But the guilt was starting to eat away at me. I know now that we couldn't go further down the road we were going. I just wouldn't have been able to do it.
Twice he has said that he didn't deserve to have me. Strange.
This week so far has been a bit awkward. But I guess I'll be okay. I'll get through it.
Next week it'll be my turn to go out on vacation. Driving out to see my brother and his wife. My dad and stepmother will also be meet them there. Yep. It'll do me good. My sister-in-law and stepmom know about him and about what's been going on. They'll be my sounding board. Therapy. Like you and Veronica but in person.
I know he and his wife have work to do. I just hope for their sake, and not mine, that they can be happy. (Swallowing hard here).
I know the high road frequently gets you nowhere. No matter. I'll stand or fall with the punches.
Again, thanks so much. I really appreciated your post.
T.J.H.
Cindty,
I'm too old to be anything but honest. My married man friend didn't accept my extrication proposal, and has agreed to deal more realistically with his marital problems. I hope for his sake that he really does that, but in the meantime I have insisted that or friendship remain platonic.
It seems completely insane to me to claim to be a spiritual, intelligent, soulful human being; make passionate love to a woman that you've expressed your undying love for, and then go home to the wife. If the married man was a genuinely soulful, spiritual person, his soul would become fragmented. Men are really no different than women, even though they are perceived as such by society. It's like the movie Sideways. That's a good study of different personalities and how they function. The ass chaser was a superficial, shallow person, thus he was able to live life engaging in superficial relationships. Both of the main male characters in that movie were extreme examples of the spectrum. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle. All people have their hearts ripped out at some point in their lives, and thus they mutate. It's the unhealed mutation that really makes some differences in how people interact in relationships.
Anyway...regarding your heart that has been hurt...Please know that I love you and ask God to heal you, wipe away your tears, and let you have some fun. Don't become a victim of pity or depression. Pray. Ask God to heal your pain, and somehow make you free to love again. Open the window to your heart and let the sunshine back in again!
desertmermaid, thanks so much....happy for you and sad at the same time. But you seem to be so strong and so wise....thanks for the blessings. And yes, God will heal me.....Best Wishes and have fun on Vacation.. :)
What's worse is dating a guy who is lying that he is single, and lies he has never been married, meanwhile falling in love, and then discovering his marriage certificate. Lesson learned is always do a background check on a guy before you date.
citdny,
I did it, I ended my relationship with my MM. The pain feels unbareable but I know this is the right thing to do. What next, I dont know how not to love him or think of him. Everything reminds me of him. My heart i acheing. I feel so lonely and empty.
My prayers are with you. Listen, it's rough and you will have to take it one day at a time. Remind yourself that the pain you feel, would be the same pain his wife would feel too. If you think about it, you let him go and the pain you feel today, will go away. If you stay in the affair, your pain would be with you for the time you are with him. God has smiled on you today for letting this affair go,he will get you through this.
To inpain,
You said you ended your relationship with your MM. Is that still the case or did you go back to him?
I just wondered because we all end it then go right back to him when he calls.
well veronica...nice to meet u online....i can 100%undstd ur situation..and i read most of the comments here...and u know what iam in the same situation in which you are....iam also involved with a married man who has the same situation abut his wfe.....we met online and he didnt tell me in the beginning for 1 year that he was married..it was just friendship first...he was attracted to me and vice versa....he later told me 2 years back that he is a married man after we started falling in love and we both are deeply now....he says he can never leave his wife and family because he love them and coz of his reputation though he says he loves me very much more than anything else...we have a gr8 chemistry though he is a bit older than me........iam completely mad for him.....
earlier i tried to leave him but later i realised that i cannot coz he is in my mind and soul all the time...we are soulmates....
veronica plzzzz help me out.....iam 23 years old....iam all trapped in this situation when i knw there is no future of it neither he is going to leave his family ever but still like a fool iam in love wid him.....we chat on net,email,talk on phone(not often)....though for 2 years he has gone to another country 4 job req wid his family but promised me that he wud visit me in every 6 months.....
he wants to continue the affair for lifetime no matter if i get involved or married wid another guy......whts this..iam all confused and dnt know what to do..shuld i continue remaining his mistress?
veronica plz reply..
all hurt,
What the hell are you talking about?? I have NEVER been involved with a married man. What the hell do you mean you understand my situation? My situation is that I have no toleration for liars and cheaters, which is why I wrote this hub, the one you claim you read, with the comments you claim you read.
Pennylane
Yes, you are right he came back telling me he loved me and I beleived him. I know im an idiot because i know very well he doesnt. I don't know how to let him go. I love him. I wish with all my heart i could becouse i suffer so much and he acts like nothing. He talks to his wife on the phone so lovingly and laughs with her all in front of me and he doesnt care that this hurts me. I know, you think I deserve all of this suffering and I agree, for being week and sining against God. I cant expect to sin and be rewarded with happiness. I just pray that God takes him out of my life and soon cuz i can't seem to be able to do it. Please don't judge me i just ask for your prayers.
well iam sorry veronica..i guess my mind was mingled up coz of the comments....
i just wanted to say here that all woman who are in relationship with a married man are surely very unlucky but i can very much understand their situation..the concept of being the other woman is very disheartning and disgusting....though iam also involved with the married guy.....our mm cannot give us enough time especially when they are at home........we cannot call them anytime....we cannot hang around wid them in the public.....mm seek extramarital love coz they are not usually satisfied with their wife in bed............one thing more i must say here is that MM usually likes modern, ambitious,successful,outgoing or bold woman who are independent especially when their wife is homely or traditional.
in my case my MM is a smart,successful,ambitious and a humble guy who has a very good reputation in his society....
i liked one of the comments of veronica in the very beginning which says"I always think it's funny when the mistress believes that the wife is the fool. She sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and is the one he bends over backward to protect. You are the one signing your name as "lonely". Which one of you do you honestly think is the pitiful one?"
anyways my conclusion is that all u ladies who are wid MM you gurls are not bad,cheap,or a homewrecker etc....its just sometimes the destiny decides everything..leave everything to god and try to interact or date and get socialize wid men who are single and honest and get settle down wid them....iam sure one day we mistress will win in the end....
though iam just 23 years old but now i have experienced a lot about life.
so all the best outta there...keep smiling always:) have a heart of a lioness....
tak care.....
all hurt, are you for real.....someday mistress's will win????? Please, get over it. you are young, and honestly really dumb. you are a very confused, immature girl. i pity you, open your eyes and get a hold of yourself. honey, please don't fool yourself and let him fool you. you are so young, at least one thing is true, he will continue to sleep with you, if you marry or have a boyfriend....he really doesn't care, GET IT?
all hurt, I'm an OW and even I don't believe we'll win. The bond of marriage is way too strong and affairs are way too easy to get into. But it's not all bleek, the MM does have to go home and you get the bed all to yourself.
Pennylane, at least your honest, but I find it strange that you would continue being the OW, knowing you won't win. Can you explain something to me? I am wondering if you/OW don't think/believe that the MM isn't having sex with his wife, that they don't laugh, talk, cuddle, kiss? Let me put it this way...do you OW really believe that there is nothing going on with the wife, like do you believe that the MM goes home and acts like a piece of furnishure?
In my opinion, The OW is the one who has thoughts of, "whats he doing with his wife", "did he make love to her", "does he embrace her"? I mean usually the wife doesn't know, but you OW do know hes married....the MM protects his kids, wife, and family from knowing about you! I felt so dirty when I found out my husband was with the OW, knowing what our sexual life was...I felt disgust,to think that the OW knew he had a wife and didn't feel dirty, knowing if he has sex with his wife, that she is getting her sloppy seconds. No disrespect, intended....
cintdy, I suppose my MM is having sex with his wife. She would get suspicious if he wasn't. I believe in the "don't ask don"t tell" theory. Here's the thing; I'm not as young as our friend "all hurt" is, so I knew the score going into this. I had to weigh the facts of "did I want a man in my life full time?" Or did I just want one occasionally? Although we have a lot of fun together we don't have a lot in common otherwise. For instance, he likes to camp, fish and hunt and I hate those things. I don't ever have to worry that I will have to spend my vacation out in the wilderness. Also, he does have a little girl still at home and I don't want to be the cause of her "daddy issues" Yeah, sometimes I wish he could be around more often, but whether it be married, single or the role of the OW all statuses have their pros and cons and if any one of those statuses make your life miserable, than I say get out.
pennylane, whether you believe the don't ask don't tell theory, isn't the point. As a woman, you must feel some of this in your heart, or if not then I give you props. You see I think like a Woman, most women don't just have sex to have sex, or be withe a man just to have a man, for most of us it's emotional, I suppose that it's true some women may be like men, in the way men can have sex with out any emotionl attachments. You see most men don't believe they are cheating, it's just sex, and if their wives were to cheat they wouldn't be able to deal with that, not there wives.
Sad thing is that you are so matter of fact about your affair. Like he has a little girl, or that he has sex with his wife so she won't get suspicious. And your are right all statuss have pros and cons...but the status of the OW has no pros, other than the action she gives her MM....Look I am not bashing you, obviously, you feel you aren't really doing anything wrong and I give you credit, because you can as most OW, continue to have the affair without guilt, because you have all the excuses of he made the vows, and all the other crappy excuses. I guess I just will never figure it out, to me it's just wrong....and whether you believe he is doing the cheating not you, you have a choice and should feel terrible, knowing there is a family who would probably be devastated and hurt. Have you no Empathy for them?
You could have a man occasionally with a single man, why would you be with one who has a family? You comment of do I want a man fulltime, or occasionaly, is a rather selfish statement, don't you think.
No offence, but I hope that his wife finds out, when she does she will have a choice. You and the MM did.
Cintdy,
I don't want to hurt anyone so I hope his wife doesn't find out. If she felt the same about her husband as I do then maybe she would give him a little attention. I think that's all he needs. Just a little. I really think she is just taking things for granite. She would be surprised to find out that other women find him attractive and interesting. But I don't want to be the one to break it to her. I told him that if she ever finds out then he needs to tell her what he's getting from me that she doesn't give him. Go on the offensive and blame her. Don't feel guilty about being human. And don't ever let her know you are leaving her for another woman(not that he would). No one gains from that. The kids and wife will hate and blame the OW forever.
I agree with you when you say women don't have sex just to have sex. Since we care a lot about each other, the sex part becomes our way of showing our affection for each other. This affair has been going on for over 5 years, so I wouldn't classify it as a one night stand.
Like I said, being the OW has its pros and cons, just like being married or single. But the wife should have to bear some of the responsibility too. Right? Come on wives, fess up. How much attention do you give your man?
Wow, there is nothing that amuses me more than a woman in the "OW" or secondary position to accuse the wife of being negliant of the husbands needs. Always remember that as the OW, you really know NOTHING about the married man you are with.. therefore you know NOTHING about his wife.. or the love that she probably gives him... I've encounted COUNTLESS of loving, affectionate, wonderful wives who love their husbands with everything they have, and yet those men are cheating with women who boost their own egos by saying.. Im giving him what she's not.. Really now?
Now I will say that there are women who dont care about their husbands and carelessly neglect their husbands. But does that make it okay to go out and cheat? Does that make it okay to put your wife at risk by compromising her heart, EVEN HER BODY? How many stories to you hear of men bringing AIDS back home to their wives?
However most of the times, while your married man is telling you what an painful experience it is to be married to his wife, she is at home making him a meal, taking care of his children, awaiting his arrival. She, most of the times, greets him at the door with a hug and kiss, and tells him how much she loves him. More times than none, she tries to keep things exciting in the bedroom by trying new things.. but wonders why he isnt responsive.. She more times than none is the one who supports him through his ordeals and deals with his ups and down, bad and good... you know, deals with the SHIT that the affair with you is bringing into their marriage. Any woman who tries to justify herself when sleeping with a married man is ridiculous. You know absolutely NOTHING about the woman that he goes home to at night... Truth of the matter is... if he REALLY wanted to leave and if things were so bad, he would leave his wife, and not have you wondering years later, when will he file for a divorce.....
Wow, there is nothing that amuses me more than a woman in the "OW" or secondary position to accuse the wife of being negliant of the husbands needs. Always remember that as the OW, you really know NOTHING about the married man you are with.. therefore you know NOTHING about his wife.. or the love that she probably gives him... I've encounted COUNTLESS of loving, affectionate, wonderful wives who love their husbands with everything they have, and yet those men are cheating with women who boost their own egos by saying.. Im giving him what she's not.. Really now?
Now I will say that there are women who dont care about their husbands and carelessly neglect their husbands. But does that make it okay to go out and cheat? Does that make it okay to put your wife at risk by compromising her heart, EVEN HER BODY? How many stories to you hear of men bringing AIDS back home to their wives?
However most of the times, while your married man is telling you what an painful experience it is to be married to his wife, she is at home making him a meal, taking care of his children, awaiting his arrival. She, most of the times, greets him at the door with a hug and kiss, and tells him how much she loves him. More times than none, she tries to keep things exciting in the bedroom by trying new things.. but wonders why he isnt responsive.. She more times than none is the one who supports him through his ordeals and deals with his ups and down, bad and good... you know, deals with the SHIT that the affair with you is bringing into their marriage. Any woman who tries to justify herself when sleeping with a married man is ridiculous. You know absolutely NOTHING about the woman that he goes home to at night... Truth of the matter is... if he REALLY wanted to leave and if things were so bad, he would leave his wife, and not have you wondering years later, when will he file for a divorce.....
Wife with two children, Amen, you said it right! Thank you for your input, I know that you helped me to look at my husbands affair in a different light.
Great hub and moral instruction. Thanks for sharing!
I have been dating a married guy for a bit now. At first I didn't know he was then he told me him and his wife have an open relationship. Which I find totally weird! She knows about me and I have even met her. I kind of feel bad but I don't cause she doesn't care and he is a great guy and I enjoy spending time with him. The thing that gets in my way is my moral compass. I was raised to believe in the bible and how it is wrong to do what I am doing. But what if you find someone who cares a lot about you are you just suppose to pass it by? I mean he is with me more then he is with his wife we go out in public together, even kiss and hold hands while we are. I know I am probably just trying to fool myself into thinking that its ok for me to do this.
Krissy, I you and the MM are out in the open with the wife, then you aren't hurting anyone. The difference between you and OW is that his wife and he have an open relationship. They are both honest with each other. You arent meeting in motels, or in parking lots, or hiding at your place. THe wife is okay with her relationship, she and her husband have,they must love each other enough to be honest and they both have no problems living that life style, but be careful, because you may want more, and have him all to yourself, that may not be ever possible, because they may really love each other. If you aren't comfortable, then you have to to drop him...if you can't do this because of you morals, don't do it. don't sell yourself short. Good luck
@ cintdy - I'm so sorry that you have to endure the pain and betrayal of your husband's affair. Never allow anyone to say that it's YOUR fault. An affair is a selfish act. There is always the option to leave and spare the spouse the pain of betrayal. I hope that you and your husband can get through it and heal from it.. and in short, grow from the experience. My heart is with you....
@ Krissy - your situation is quite different than the ordinary affair. The wife of the man you are with seems to condone his behavior. I can hardly call that an "affair" in all seriousness - since she is aware of it. However, try to consider this. What if you end up with him.. Would he expect the same kind of relationship with you? Would he be faithful to you, as you probably would desire him to be? Would you be able to ever trust him entirely? A relationship/marriage is nothing without trust..So picture it.. Would you ever be able to safely sit back and say... He wouldn't do the same to me...
Dont sell yourself short. Be with a man that can commit himself to you and only you.. you probably deserve a man who can do that.
Wife w/2 children, thanks for the encouragement....You said it well.
Wife w/2 children, thanks for the encouragement....You said it well.
To wife with 2 children and anybody else out there who are so clueless to their husband's unhappiness:
No I don't know the dynamic of the husband and wife, but I know that people can be very unhappy in a marital relationship but stay in it because they are afraid of what people will say, or they don't want to deal with the financial aspect of it. It perplexes me why anyone would continue a relationship that is unhealthy. But people do. Women stay because they don't know where to go or how they are going to support themselves and men stay because they don't want to lose any assets. There are a lot of unhappy married couples out there. I hear it all here at work. The wives bitch and critize the husbsnds constantly. I asked them why they stay and, again, its the money. "I can't afford to live on my own" or " I'm to old to find anybody else". Sorry I'm not sympathetic to wives when the husbands are just getting a little reprieve from the wive's negativty.
@pennylane, you certainly have a right to believe that the wife bitches and critizes, and that the reasons behind the MM not wanting to leave his wife is due to financial reason, but PLEASE, the fact of the matter is that most, at least 98% of MM don't leave their wives because as amazing as it sounds, they love their wives! And the OW is the person who he is with takes him away from the responsiblities at home, it's his escape. She feeds his ego, and he sees himself in ther ADORING EYES!!!!
Look, Men don't really see having sex as an emotional thing, as a woman does. The OW gets emotionally involved, she is giving her body because she loves him, we woman, don't just screw a man, most us don't, withOUT having emotional feelings for them. Men can screw anything, anywhere, and not feel a damn thing for that woman. And if a woman lets him continue to have his cake and eat it too, he'll continue to use her for that purpose.
I know there may be times that the wife, is cold and bitchy, but come on, that really is a very low percentage. Because if the Man is truly unhappy, he'd be out of the marriage as soon as he fell in love with someone else.
So Pennylane, the woman stays because she loves him and has a past with him, children with him, and she is the one who is working with him. She is the one he loves, and he knows that she know everything about him, things that the OW never sees or knows. The OW sees his best side, vice versa, and if he leaves his wife, the relationship between the OW and MM, the fire tends to dwindle into a flicker. You see, real life is real life, after everything is said and done the OW begins to become the wife, and gets to see real picture!
If the OW want's to believe she is the one, then so be it, but they will almost always lose. And if you are correct about those reasons, the MM doesn't leave, or the Wife doesn't leave, knowing all that why be with a MM man? And don't give this bull, that the OW likes the way the relationship is, she doesn't have do anything that the wife for him. Because Women tend to want the security of being the only woman in their mans live, married or not.
Really now? Clueless?...
Its not my style to beat around the bush so, I will say it plainly....To pennylane and the other women who are simply... Clueless. Pennylane, what are you, 15? Take heed. First of all, get over yourself. Don't make yourself out to be more than what you are to your married man. You are a temporary distraction. The moment his wife finds out (and she will), he will drop you faster than you can blink.. Of course, he may have you believing different. But if he lies to his life partner, what makes you so much better..? If you hear stories such as THAT at "work".. don’t be surprised.. How are you so "perplexed" by people staying in an Unhealthy relationship? YOU are in one yourself. You are with a man that DOES NOT belong with you. How do you deem that healthy? At least with his W I F E, he has the RIGHT and Obligation to try to make things work. He probably really LOVES her.. He has no ties to you. You take up the extra time. You know, the "I'm going out with some friends for a while, or "I'm working late, etc" time. Meanwhile, he shares his LIFE with another woman.. and This is okay for you.. and you call the wives "clueless"... thats funny.. Maybe you are waiting for him to leave his tyrant of a wife… Keep waiting and see what happens. Just like you have no sympathy for the wives, I have no sympathy for the ummmm "mistresses" who wreck homes and don’t give a damn about it.. If you think you got your MM figured out, Test his resolve. Tell him to tell his wife about his affair with you... then sit back.. and observe. See then, how much he ummmmm loves you and see if he is willing to leave his family for a little extra attention.. (laughable)
In regard to my husband's lack of happiness in my marriage, I literally laughed at your assumption. (By the way, he is sitting next to me while I write this) Because just like everything else you have stated regarding your MM's wife and marriage in general, you assume that you KNOW. My husband and I have this thing in our marriage called HONESTY. I know, I know, perhaps that’s alot for you to digest because let's face it, you are as full of it as your MM but, hey I have to say that I am blessed with a man who loves me and our family. Not to say that my husband (or any person be it Man or Woman) is not capable of having a affair. That would be yet another "assumption" and make me ignorant. However, we take our martial vows seriously.. So you must be wondering why I took your comment so... personally. Well simply this. You have no regard for the woman that you are hurting at home, or the children that you are hurting. Not to mention there are SO many SINGLE men that you can be dealing with. And like I said, you know squat about his wife. You know nothing about his marriage. You ASSUME because he is having an affair, it must be because his wife is "not" doing something. And here you come.. fullfilling her HUSBANDS needs by patting him on the back and telling him what a great guy he is..not to negate the fact that we all have needs. But that never justifies betraying your spouse. Well, I hate to break it to you but more than likely, her husband is having an affair (or maybe a few affairs) because he is selfish and like alot of men, just want some extra.... (well we don’t need be graphic). You're the ego stroker.. his wife is his reality check. Maybe she stop telling him how "awesome" because those gestures got lost in between real life responsibilities, the children, the bills, HIS BS and she got caught up. It's called MARRIAGE. There will be UPS and DOWNS.. such as life. But who the hell knows the kind of neglect that he shows her? Anyways.....
I will give you points for one thing. Some people do stay in unhealthy marriages. But let's revert back to what marriage is... To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. Since marriage is an institution that you are SUPPOSE to work at, many people are reluctant to divorce....not to mention that husbands and wives typically LOVE eachother and despite their issues, they want their marriage to work.. But of course, you heard at work that.....(fill in the blank). Unless you walk a day in his wife’s shoes, I would suggest you stop acting like you know.
I don’t ever judge another woman's actions, no matter what she does. That is not my place. However, women who carelessly toy with another woman's family make me come out of character. But don't you worry... You will understand what women like cindty and countless other devastated women have come to deal with when they find out that their husbands are being unfaithful. You will soon understand the broken trust, the broken family, the devastated children, the thousands of WHYS that the "bitching wives" ask in their minds, the WHY DID HE HURT ME THIS WAY.. the sleepless nights.. You will get it when it happens to you....
Wife with two children, YEA!!!!!!!!!!!! You are too awesome, and so damn smart. I couldn't find the right words to say just what you did.....HIGH FIVE!!!!!
Hi Cindty.. I got your back. ;) You seem to be a VERY kind person who was dealt an unfair blow..
I can't stand it when women in that position spit out self-centered, egotistical bullshit to justify themselves (yeah I said it). There are plenty of women on this forum who are having affairs but they are not GLOATING about it nor are they saying its the wives fault. I would never have anything to say to them. It's not my place. But for those who are happily parading their affairs and saying "well if you weren't so...(fill in the blank) he wouldn't be cheating on you.. those are the women that make my skin crawl.
to pennylane.........i can understand....iam just waiting for the right man in my life.....i know iam much smarter,intelligent,ambitious than my MM wife....iam successful in my career..iam not sure whether i wud be able to forget him or not though we still talk..........he is a father of 2 kidz...he love his daughter vry much...why shuld we feel sorry .....i got into this relationship by mistake coz in the beginning he only didnt tell me he is married.....he says he could have left his wife but because of the kidz he is bound not to......sometimes i feel so guilty that i dont know what to do................and pennylane iam totally with you...i absolutely agree with you......lets pray for the things to get better in the future....
to pennylane.........i can understand....iam just waiting for the right man in my life.....i know iam much smarter,intelligent,ambitious than my MM wife....iam successful in my career..iam not sure whether i wud be able to forget him or not though we still talk..........he is a father of 2 kidz...he love his daughter vry much...why shuld we feel sorry .....i got into this relationship by mistake coz in the beginning he only didnt tell me he is married.....he says he could have left his wife but because of the kidz he is bound not to......sometimes i feel so guilty that i dont know what to do................and pennylane iam totally with you...i absolutely agree with you......lets pray for the things to get better in the future....
all hurt, your so confused. You do have flaws in your charcater....why should you feel sorry? How about EMAPTHY, HOW ABOUT COMPASSION, HOW ABOUT, "THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY".....OR just because you are a woman who wouldn't want this done to you.
As for his excuses, PLEASE OW! open your eyes and see the real man for the lies he tells you and his wife. As for anything getting better in the future, it's all about karma....I feel sad for you because you and pennylane are so living in another planet.
Too bad that women like you both don't have a heart and you are so selfish that you really believe he's that in love with you, that you are the only person in his life. You fool yourselfs into believing the worst about his marriage, because you believe he loves you, respects you, and yet you only have an hour here, a couple of hours there....it's pretty amazing to me that you really beilive your own excuses.
IF HE LOVES YOU AND YOUR ARE SO POSITIVE HE DOES, THEN TELL THE WIFE, OR TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING TO TELL HIS WIFE. See his reaction, he will most certainly protect his wife before you. You are hidden aways like something ugly and dirty. He should be proud of you, and your relationship and want the world to know of his new found undying love. He can still be a great Father and provider for them...he doesn't have to be with his wife.
I pray for you both and ask God to soften your hearts for the family that you are destroying. And for the MM to open his eyes, befor he loses his family and all the really matters....and believe me it matters!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK TO BOTH OF YOU
DesertMermaid-
My situation is a little different from yours: I've been his mistress in his mind. We would never act on our feelings for each other but trust me; we've come close on more than one occasion.
I also arrived at my situation differently from most women. He's been the only man who has gotten past the walls I've put up around me for the past twelve years.
He has never "hit" on me. Ever. A Don Juan cassanova? Forget it. Not in the least. He showed me kindness. I
reciprocated. It snowballed from there.
I don't pretend to know why. It just did. Maybe it's because we're so alike. He and I are both introverted, we both like the rural lifestyle in the towns we live in, even our tastes in music are the same. I know that I'm a complete 180 polar opposite of her. Not saying that's good or bad. That's just the way it is.
My first day back from vacation this week at work who should show up at my lab bench but His Truly. And, suprise- he wanted to apologize again and finish where our conversation left off. I told him to stop apologizing and asked him what he was afraid of. Then he
finally came out with it: he does not want to lose my friendship.
It's hard. I told him that it would be enormously difficult to pull off. But he's adamant. He has NO intentions of losing me as a friend. This is what fries me about the whole thing. Not being able to act on those feelings but knowing they won't go away.
T.J.H.
OK wives, unbunch your panties. I have no intention of wrecking a happy home. I know he doesn't love me in the true sense of the word, but does he love his wife? Would he lie,deceive and commit adulttery if he loved her? So, I'm thinking maybe the home ain't all that happy. I'm not gloating I'm just giving you the other side of the coin. You can take it for what it's worth, but ,trust me, I know more than you do about your H. His life is an open book when it comes to his marriage. I'm his secret. And btw, I probably make her life with him much more tolerable.
PENNYLANE:your are correct in saying your are his secret, but it that a good thing for you? As for him being unhappy at home, of course he would tell you that. You are deversion to his responsiblities that we all have in life. His life isn't such an open book, it's what he want's you the believe.
He is also lying and deceiving you or don't you get it? As for making his life better at home, really?
And my panties are just fine thank you, as you put it I am also giving my side as the WIFE...Its great you can ignore all the cons of this relationship, as the OW ususally does, until it all comes to an end....God Bless you....
Hmm, You have no intention of wrecking a happy home, huh?...Let's take a close look at that, shall we? That's like me breaking into a bank in the middle of the night, attempting to unlock the codes on the safes and say.. I had no intention of robbing it.. In other words, your actions speak louder than anything you can claim...
There are 3 sides to every story. His side, her side, and somewhere in between there is the truth. Since your MM is full of shit, I would be reluctant to believe that you actually KNOW who he really is, being that he is lying to you too. His life is an open book when it comes to his marriage? Really now? That's contradiction at it's finest. Being an open book in any sense, means being HONEST. That is not one of his strong suits, obviously. He is lying to you, lying to his wife, lying to his family.. he is just lying. And the fact that you believe a word he says about his marriage or anything else astounds me. You know what he WANTS you to know about him. Shit, I can tell ANYONE some believeable BS about my husband and my marriage. (My husband, while not perfect, is a great man) I can say that he makes me miserable, cry about it and tell another man I need some extra attention and affection to be happy. Does it make it true? Nah. Not at all. And given the lack of credibility from the source (your MM), I'd say not. He is living a double-life. You know the man that he is when he is with YOU. You don't know the core of him, his WIFE does..don't give yourself position you don't have. Listen kiddo, I'm not knocking you. But it's annoying to hear you talk about your affair with him and toss the blame on his wife. ALL MEN.. I repeat ALL MEN (and women too) in affairs place blame on their spouses. Women go to divorce attorneys every day with their cases and the broken pieces of their marriage, and after all the evidence is reviewed, 99% of the time the wives finish with... I loved him the best I could. Why did he do this??..(You wanna hear about things on the job? I wished you worked where I work. I am a Divorce attorney, go figure)
At the end of the day, there is no reason why ANYONE should break someone else like that. Karma is a bitch.. So get ready...
You make her life more "tolerable"? That's as laugable as your believing his bullshit. I don' t know who is less grown, you or him. I would think HIM though. Since he is the one who is really accountable for his mistakes... but that does not make you unaccountable either. You are very well aware of his situation. You remain for whatever your reasons are. So again... K A R M A is a bitch....
I seriously lack patience with situations like these. I hear about affairs like these (and worse) everyday. I just hope she finds out.. and soon. When he is paying out alimony and child support (per child) and his wife takes him for what he has (and he deserves it), you'll see who your MM really is....let's see how fast your panties will get unbunched.. lol
A friend once gave me a truly great piece of advice:
If you fall in love with a married man, live your life as if he does not exist and if it's meant to be, in time, it will be.
I hope these few words help you all as much as they have helped me.
Hopeful, its a great saying, but is it worth to wait, and how long will you wait? Time always goes by so quickly, and before you know it you wonder how did all this time just fly by. Most OW don't live their lives as the MM doesn't exist.
I have a very good friend of the family, actually, a family friend of my Mothers, they grew up together. She had an affair with a MM. Their affair last over 15 years. She was devoted to him, accepted all his reasons for not leaving, you know, the kids, the wife needs him, all the same excuses. He said he loved her and that they would be together. Well she suddenly died. He didn't go to her funeral, nor did he call her children. Once upon a time he loved her and couldn't live without her, in the end he didn't even pay his respects to her. Her name was Dora, and she adore, loved, and cared for this man...So she also believe that, IF IT'S MEANT TO BE IN TIME, IT WILL BE....her time ran out.
She lived for him, to see him, to work around his needs, his schedule. It hurts to know that she wasted her life, believing that she was his soulmate and he truly loved her.
She was just the OW. And guess what, we have tons of memories of her, but the one that stays with us is, the affair she had and all the love and all the good she wasted on someone who would never be hers.
I don't know maybe something to think about OW. God Bless.
To Cintdy,
I read the advice that was given by Hopeful and nowhere in there were the words "wait for him" mentioned.
Hopeful, Great Advice.
pennylane, your right. But meaning that if you believe that, how much oF your time will you give the MM.
If you truly believe that, OW, I assume, you are saying it's a matter of time. I don't believe that the OW, can or will try to live as if the MM doesn't exsit...NO WAY.
I really don't get this. And believe me i have been a wife and a mistress in my life so i know how it rolls trust me. Woman, woman woman. Stop blaming each other, it's the men's fault not the mistress or the wife. The amount of effort these married men put on making iether of the two woman to believe his innocence in all this is unbelievable. Stop blaming each other and blame the bastard for once. You are married to your man not the mistress, your man is supposed to protect your heart from hurt not the mistress. The mistress is not the one who promised you to have and to hold. Your man did so it is his responsibility to stay faithful to you. Mistress, if these men were so unhappy they would have left long time ago, they just like their bread buttered on both sides. Maybe we woman should stop focussing on things we can't change and focus on things we can. Let your men take a second wive, you would have so much peace.
reality, you have a point, what I believe that both are at fault, although the MM has most of the fault. The OW is that immoral, or has character flaws in her, to even begin to be with a MM, it would be so much better for the OW to tell him to leave his wife, before she commits adulty. Just becasue she isn't married, doesn't mean she isn't just as guilty.
"Whoremongers and Adultures will be judged by GOD", In the bible.
You are right about one things, the MM would leave his wife if he was so unhappy, so who's the FOOL, she is because the married MM protects his wife to the ugly truth of his mistress. While the mistress knows about her!!!!!
I agree to disagree.....
Or, perhaps you can look at it from this angle: is it the work of evolutionary biology and sociology? Men are wired and socalized into being polygamous in a way women are not. Whereas a business traveling man at a bar gets a gorilla slap on the shoulder from his buddies when they talk about how many broads he banged in his hotel room, a married or committed woman who embarks on a similar venture is looked at as a cheap two dollar hussy. The "ATTA BOY"/ "YOU JEZEBEL" double standard exists. DON'T TELL ME IT DOESN'T.
It is evident everywhere. Whereas HAVING a mistress is looked upon with so much favor and admiration, BEING a mistress seldom is.
Some scientists say that maybe humans weren't meant to be monogamous after all. Maybe there's some truth to that. I don't know. Sometimes I think that the institution of marriage goes against the grain of millions of years of evolutionary biology. A coincidence that so many people marry, divorce, and then go back on the marriage and divorce merry-go-round all over again??? I think not.
Just pondering, that's all.
It's too bad that some us humans act like animals, no souls or hearts.....and just continue to do what makes themselves happy, no matter what the consequences are, or the innocent by standers they crush or destroy....
I agree with Tara_in_NE.
I am fascinated to find this forum, especially being a woman who has been on both sides of "it". This is my story.
I was married for 6 years with 2 small children several years ago. We had drifted apart, he lost interest in me as a woman and as the person he fell in love with years before. I discovered he had been seeing someone else when I found some notes in a pocket of his shirt I intended to launder. The shirt didn't get washed.
I must say, my first reaction was relief; relief that he had made the first move to exit a relationship that could not be mended. I was indeed hurt, but ultimately, I felt freed from a hopeless marriage.
A year later I met a man at a local event. There was an immediate magnetic and unmistakable connection. We were in similar places in our lives (we had both found our birth mothers within the year), we had much in common and a powerful attraction- yet he was married. I resisted our connection for a long time. I knew he had strayed in his marriage before but I didnt want to go there with him. His relationship with his wife was platonic, at best, and he was staying in his unhappy situation until his children were on their own. I was in love with him but I could not cross that line with him, although we talked about it a lot. I finally told him I could not see him anymore; I was single- he was not- and it was just too hard to be near him.
He didn't believe I would go away from him, but I did.
Ten years later, my sister came to town to console me after my second marriage ended. We walked to a tavern in the neighborhood, and sat down. I looked up and there he was. Everything flooded back. There was no denying our connection. He is still married;it is a marriage of economic convenience for both of them. They live in separate parts of their house - the option of divorce is too costly and materially disruptive for them. It is not ideal for them, nor for me. She does not know about me yet she does not care where he is or what he does or when he comes home.
I have chosen to live this life, to be with this man, over all others. Why? Because I believe sometimes people come into your life for a reason, good or bad. Every situation is unique- no one else is walking in my shoes. I wish things were different- yes- but just for now (and the last 16 years) it has been enough to see him when possible, and savor our time together. I sound like a sap- I know. I have thought about ending it (again) but I would rather live this kind of love with him than a life without him.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts and hearts. I does help to not feel so alone.
wait-weight, I give you credit for not persuing this relationship in the beginning...but then you ruined it! You see, you tell us all about their relationship, everything that prevents them from getting divorced...Really? He's a liar! If there is no marriage, then why not tell his wife? If theirs is a marriage of financial stability, your relationship shouldn't have to be on the down low. Just my opinion....sad for you, because you are settling!!!!! Good luck to you!!!!
To me this is just a matter of self integrity. If he or she is married, move on. And if you don't move on, what does that say about you and the other person. No respect. Integrity and respect are words that have been losing the battle in the topic of affairs with married men/women.
I am seeing a married man that has no children with his wife. His wife knows all about me. She is twenty-two years older than him and this is her third marriage. When they first met she was already married and ended up divorcing her ex-husband for him. Now I can bring up all kind of biblical laws about this. Such as married woman shall not comfort another man outside her marriage. God does not punish a married man for sleeping with an unmarried woman but when a unmarried/married man sleeps with a married woman, both the man and woman are punished with death. I am now carrying his child and she wants to now control how we see and communicate with each other. She does not want him to leave her however but he filed for separation papers last week saying that she will not be controlling how and when he sees his child.
Mytruth: Obviously you know right from wrong.....no matter what it's you who has also committed the same sin.
"Two wrongs don't make a right", just my opinnion.
Good luck to you, such as life is does come full circle...his wife is now in the position his ex was. I guess it's a cycle that he is playing. What does that say about him....just a thought.....
Oh boy... see there are consequences to every action....She seems like she is not in love with her husband, however, if she gets an attorney to advise her properly, she can file for a divorce based on adultery (which is considered a Fault divorce) and claim alimony. That is, Permanent periodic alimony where her husband will pay her until she dies or remarries. Let's not forget any property or assets they may have together.. He's lucky she dont have any children with him... Hopefully I bump into his wife and give her my card..
Cindty: We're not planning on being together. Their whole marriage of 4 years has been filled with extramarital affairs. She has stepped out as well as him. And this is not the first outside pregnancy. The other woman decided to have an abortion. And he has custody of his son that he had prior to their marriage that his mother is raising because his wife did not welcome that son into their home despite the fact she has a son, that is two years older than her step-son. That's another reason he is leaving. He told her that she can have everything except one vehicle. And their income is basically the same.
Now what I do know is that everyone has their set of right and wrongs and I know that there are man's law and then there's God law. I don't worry about what people has to say about me but you would be surprised at the support that I get.
There are many reasons why a man doesn’t divorce the woman he has married. One, could be financial. Two, could be because of the kids. Third, could be he thinks the word “failure” will follow him forever. There are a multitude of reasons why a man doesn’t divorce the one he no longer loves. That being said it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the OW. And BTW, the OW may only want a part-time lover. She may not want to be saddled down with all the “baggage” that a marriage has.
People get married for different reasons at different ages. When a woman is passed the ‘having children stage’ of life and has made a good life for herself without a man, but she still wants to feel like woman, then she may let the chips fall where they may. And sometimes those chips fall into the arms of a MM who no longer loves his wife but can’t get up the nerve to walk away. And sometimes that is exactly what we are looking for.
And to "Mandatory Retirement" the words “move on” do not exist when the two work together. There is no moving on.
mytruth: OMG....he has done this before, other children!? I can't understand it. Well I feel sorry for his wife and you. Look all he told you about his wife stepping out on him and her keeping everything, blah blah, those are his stories....And you say your not planning on being together??????What? Now their is another child invloved? Your selfish and so is he! Like it's okay, I'm pregaunt, not his first affair, or child with the OW and one of them had an aboration! WOW...and life goes on for him. My prayers are with the innocent children that were products of some selfish, self-centered and self-serving indivisuals who just had no clue!!!!!! Take care and I am glad to hear you are keeping your child, my prayers are with you, Good luck.
This is a great hub! definitely a great read for everyone. I love the comments section too, enjoying perspectives from both sides. Definitely going to check this hub often! Thanks!
to the other woman: My ex-husband had many affairs throught the internet that I never suspected, but should have. I wasn't the bitchy, depressed wife. I just wanted to spend some time with him and he kept giving excuse after excuse. he never told me what I was doing that he didn't like. He never said anything at all. He just neglected our daughter and myself becusue he was too busy with work.
He nelgected his health so that in 2006 he had a quadruple bypass surgery and nearly lost his foot in 2007. The stress of watching out for his health was enormous. My daughter had to watch him on the couch barely breathing before he had his heart surgery. We both were very scared that he would die in the house.
I paid the bills, I cleaned the house, I maintained the house, I kept track of his medications,etc. He ate and slept here and worked. I pleaded so many time just for five minutes of his time, but he was too busy always. When we finally decided to divorce, he had an affair going with someone he really liked, so he didn't care if we divorced or not. The upshot? Only 3 months after he left our house, he had a mid-calf amputation because of his neglect. He married his affair girl three months after our divorce was final. My teenage daughter refuses to speak to him though I have encourgaed her to, but the girlfriend and the marriage (reading about it in the newspaper was how we found out)were the final straw to years of emotional abuse and neglect.
The reality of affairs are this: The man who cheats is not being honest with anyone. I would have had more respect for him if he were honest years ago and told me his true feelings for me which were total hatred.
It's just something for the other woman to consider when you are all snuggly and "in love" with someone else's husband. You only hear what they tell you. If you could talk to their wives, you may hear an entirely different story about Mr. Wonderful which will be your story when he gets tired of you, or if you get tired of not having a life of your own because you have to cater to him to make him happy.
I have a question,I knew a man for several year's. He never looked at me twice when we were married to other people, after our divorce's we re-met again. Feel in love and got engaged. This may get very confusing but his first wife that he had not seen in 25 yrs and had his kids also never allowed him to see them, decided she wanted to see him if he wanted to see their kids, well he ended up cheating on me with her!! How weird is that?? Well now he and I are seeing each other & she doesn't know, basicaly the row has be reversed on her... What do I do??
mine is a story that is crazy. I have been engaged for five years now. Ours is a distance relationship and we have been hoping that someday soon we shall start living together. Though i have been carrying myself out like a married woman since thats what we refer to one another. It happened that the time we had set to start living together passed and he expects me to continue waiting as a point of trust.
There is this man who is married and has passued me for a very long time. He knows my story very well and we have been relating as friends but sometimes back we went intimate. We both know that there is no future in this relationship. I feel so attracted to him now but i know its because am lonely. He doesnt spend much time with me neither do i want him to. I am independent so i dont need his money. In short am not in this for anything but the plessure of it all.He has a sweet family and he is not negletting them to be with me. So am i the dampest woman on earth, Am i such a bitch or does anyone understand me at all
Turips, I don't think that's being a bitch...but how do you justify what you may do and at the same time saying he has such a sweet family??????? Think about that family, he may not but why put yourself in that kind of situation? Seem to me your are lonely, but there are alot of men out there single and free...and what does it say about you that you are engaged and pondering having an affair with a MM? He has a family and you sound as if it's a game, well think about the family and remember they are REAL PEOPLE, who will be hurt.
Try to have some empathy for them.....and remember if he pursuing you what does it say about him. Do you want a liar and a cheater? Just a thought....
Thanks cintdy and everyone else for your comments and stories that are truly life changing. I knew all this but i pretended that what am doing is ok. Its still so erly and am glad that i can walk away now. This man may be real but i hate the feel of hurting his three girls. I gues i can never live up the pain. He maybe hurting coz according to his story he has some issues with the wife but again its not a reason to have an affair. I will not discuss anything with him but am out. Thanks to you all.
cindty: You are very one-sided and judgemental. He didn't tell me about his wife, this is a not a big city that we live in. Another thing is that a child is not going to keep a family together at all. My child is going to be taken care of and loved at the same time that's all that matters. You also contradicted yourself by saying that you're glad that I decided to keep my baby (which was not a decision to be made, not even a thought) and then saying that I was selfish. What's your story again? Whatever it is, Let it go!
mytruth, sorry if that's what it's seem like to you. One-side, judgemental, hell I feel it was selfish for you to get pregaunt...knowing he's married. I apologize for the mistake about the comment of "keeping your baby", my mistake. My story, I have been cheated on, betrayed, while I was preganut and I could go
on and on but it "F###ing" HURTS!!!!!! And to let it go is a slow process...
Cindty: I'm not going to argue with you because as I already stated no one that walks this earth can judge me or my actions and if they do...who cares? Certainly not me. By the way, haven't we all been through something or another? I know that I have been burned in the past. But you're walking around judging everyone's situation as if it were the same as yours and that's not the case. I could care less if you think that I am selfish! Long as I know that my child will be taken care of, nutured, and have two parents in her life(doesn't have to be the same home),that's all that matters. Am I gloating? No I'm not but I will never be ashamed about my child, pregnancy or my actions.
Cindty: I'm not going to argue with you because as I already stated no one that walks this earth can judge me or my actions and if they do...who cares? Certainly not me. By the way, haven't we all been through something or another? I know that I have been burned in the past. But you're walking around judging everyone's situation as if it were the same as yours and that's not the case. I could care less if you think that I am selfish! Long as I know that my child will be taken care of, nutured, and have two parents in her life(doesn't have to be the same home),that's all that matters. Am I gloating? No I'm not but I will never be ashamed about my child, pregnancy or my actions.
Loved this article!
My husbands ow find out how much more important I was than her when I told hubby I would be willing to give him a second chance (our marriage was all but over).
He dumped her like a bag of trash on the curb!!
I cant understand how she couldnt keep him, I didnt want anythng to do with him, fought with him like crazy and just wanted him gone!
His pathetic ow offered him anal sex, and threesomes and still couldnt get him to leave! Hell, he ended it, with her when he wasnt sure if I would give him another chance! LMAO-thats says it all right there!
You other women, think, youre always so much more than his wife is, fact is, youre just easy sluts that he is using for an ego boost!'
But keep waiting for your married man! Dopes!
my truth, WOW, you are angry!!!! First of all, you put your story on here....so what did you expect? I never said you your child wouldn't be love, cared for and all the other stuff. It's the crappy situation and I feel a selfish decision not to use protection. My opinion...I don't walk on water, maybe you should read other posts, before you wrote anything, then you'd realize you put yourself and your situation out there, for anyone to read and give their two cents worth. If you don't care, then why so much anger. I am just one person and know absolutly nothing about you...just what you wrote. All of it is MY OPINION....PERIOD
i was with a married man, one lie after another. I didnt even know he was married at first, First he lied about his age claiming he was 29 when I later found out he was 32 by looking at his drivers license. i forgave him for that (i should've ran) then after that it was one lie after another. then in a conversation over dinner he mentioned he was once married. then it turned out he was married....... too many lies. i got rid of him ....long story short genital herpes..... bastard
@ Egypt. Wow, I am sorry that you went through that. It is very unfortunate when women find themselves in situations like yours. Being deceived by someone is painful, regardless of the position you play. But I am very happy to hear that you did right by yourself and got rid of him. I hope that you will recover from that quickly and find someone who is worth your love and energy..
I've posted to this forum before so I am no stranger to this hub. There are somethings that women in the "OW" position just don't get. You can't justify hurting someone to the extent that an extra-marital affair does. The only excuse a woman in the other position can have for being in that relationship with a married man is.. "I didn't know". Of course, that's if it's followed up with you leaving his ass. Otherwise, your just as guilty as he is. As a wife, I would be beyond devistated, hurt and angry to find that my husband is having an affair. Especially being that I literally share every aspect of my life with him. I am an open, honest woman. MANY wives have that same trait. It's laughable to hear what men in outside relationships say about their wives..
I say it time and time again.. Karma is a bitch. If you know that he is MARRIED, walk away. If you don't, you deserve the shit that you are handed when he deceives you the very same way. You know.. when you aren't looking as great as you used to because you bore 1 or 2 of his children, or because you are not as "exciting" to him as you were when he was married to his wife, or because some other girl 10 years younger than you is turning his head, etc. Don't be upset when he is telling some other woman how lousy of a partner YOU are to earn her sympathies. When history repeats itself with you, don't be surprised. Its not a matter of IF but WHEN... I'm not judging anyone. But the women who have affairs with married men don't need to come down on the wives and pat themselves on the back, ESPECIALLY when they are not in the position to..
My story is different but the same. I had a guy as a friend for 11 years! He was perfect. After we had been friends for a year I realized that I was in love with him. He was the ideal man, beautiful, smart kind and involved. I respected that and just remained his friend. he married and divorced the woman after a few months. I continued to be at a distance as far as romantic feeling go for years. He married another woman and had two children. I was supportive in the friend capacity. My heart was hurting because I wanted him to see me as the option he didn't see me as. He was completely clueless about my feeling until this past Summer. He was under a lot of stress and asked me to talk him thru it, saying I was his oldest friend. He visited me at my apartment and we went to dinner. My heart was breaking as I listened to his story about his life with this woman, his high stress job and his kids. (I actually met the wife and she was rather strange, didn't judge him just supported). He then proceeded to tell me that he has always had feeling for me and that he wished we could have been together years ago. Saying that he wouldnt' be going thru this if he were with me. Irony is so cruel. He then showed me the divorce papers (copy) he had recently filed. He asked me to be with him. I thought OMG he was actually seeing me as an option. I was elated. I was honorable and did the right things and I was paid back for that by having him as a friend and a lover. He ended it after a month and lasted three days b4 he was back to me again saying that he was overwhelmed. He ended it again after a month stating the aforementioned. He then told me that he was taking back the divorce and going back to his wife. She is a very distasteful person who is also a money grubber. He also said that he was in the marriage for his career (failure was not an option as his future with his company was in jeopardy) I stayed with him for a month b4 he ended it again. I was feeling lousy at this point bcuz I do not believe that affairs are right. My question is this: How do you recover from all that I have been thru. I love this man so much and have for years. I compromised my personal beliefs and values. I have not only lost the love of my life, but also a friend. How can I heal from this, how can I move on?
Hurting so badly, WHAT? Read your own post. This man is a crazy person. Lies, Lies.......why do you OW really beleive all the bull s###t these MM tell you. Look he never cared about you he used you as a deversion, to his wife, kids and job....
Girl, wake up and if you have morals, let him go. You will end up alone and in love with a cheater, liar and loser.
I just don't have much more to say. Go over what you wrote and if a light bulb doesn't turn on over you head, then get ready for the real pain he will cause you....
Cindty: I have read my own post and lived it. I am not saying that anything I did was right. I am a spiritual person and was feeling amazingly guilty, sought spiritual guidance bec of this. I am hurting bec I trusted him. He was not just a MM to me he was a friend first. I trusted him as a friend of 11 years not be the liar he turned out to be. I am wrestling with how to recover. I recognize that he lied, and that he is a selfish person who is looking out for his needs. I am not just some other OW all tho it may seem that way, god knows it did to me. I was a friend. I am wondering how to recover from this. I am in a cycle here. In fact was talking to a friend who is also male and married...and he started to come on to me. NO JOKE! He was promptly rebuffed and but in his place. I loved and trusted the MM I was involved with, I knew him for years. How do I recover and what is wrong with me that I actually allowed this to happen. I know it was wrong, love unfortunately puts weird glasses on a person. I am afraid that all of the bad feeling I have will go away if he comes back. I am afraid that i will cave even tho I know it is wrong and morally a horrible thing to do. How do you stop loving a person who is willing to lie and treat horribly a person whom he has know for so long. I want to be strong, I don't want to go thru all of the pain again. I am trying here, I am asking for help and guidance. HOW DO YOU LET A PERSON GO WHEN YOU LOVE THEM?
Hurting so Bad, I understand, but maybe he feels the same way about his wife, How do you let a person go when you love them? I don't know, I guess alot of mm love their wives too. They just like to feel they still have it, and get their egos fed.
I guess you can't have a friend who is the oppsite sex and married at the same time. You seem to have a good heart so don't let it get broken.
I read these posts of OW, and it's so clear that they believe everything they are told, in the end they are hurting. MM don't hurt because to them, they are selfish and want self gradafication, to most men, it's not emotional, it's self serving. They married the woman they really love, cheater or not.
As long as the OW is willing to wait with bated breath until the next encounter and accepts what little he gives her, then he will continue until you stop it....and he wins. OW lose, time, their self respect and their youth.
If course only one womans opinion, mine....Good Luck!
Cintdy,
Are you saying that you can only fall in love once in a lifetime? Or are you saying that the paperwork that was filled out is to be a life sentance? And tell me why a wife would take back a selfish, self-serving, self-gratifying cheater?
@Pennylane - STFU!!!!! A marriage is more than "signing paperwork". How dare you? Your first question is idiotic at best. As to your third question, that is between the husband and the wife. PERIOD. Point blank. Do you live in a glass house? I have a question for you: why would a self-respecting
@Pennylane: to continue my question to you: Why would a woman be okay with a "relationship" with another woman's husband? You speak like you're a master at that ... do you like being in the middle of other people's relationships? Get some therapy, why dontcha ...
Pennylane, No signing the paperwork isn't a life sentence, the paperwork has nothing to do with it. Even being in a realationship with someone without being married, is a COMMITMENT!!!!!! As Justunbelievable stated, it's between a husband and wife, PERIOD. I felt dirty, nasty and disgusted after I found out my husband had a mistress, I guess his OW, didn't feel unclean, knowing he was sleeping with me, because during those years I had our second child. I felt completely unclean... I loved him and he married ME. Why don't you answer this question, why do OW want a man who is married and for a fact know he's married, a cheater, and a liar and still having sex with their wives??????? U know this in the beginning......makes you wonder, huh?
I guess all OW, have to reasure themselves, by the stupid excuses they give, or the stupid lies they are told. I am sorry for those women, because they haveto be flawed or have no self respect.
@Cindty: Your last paragraph says it all. AMEN.
tisk, tisk.. Pennylane, I would suggest you not comment about marriage anymore - especially on this forum. You are completely clueless to what marriage entails and obviously have no remorse for your bs actions.. ANY wife, whether they have been cheated on or not can empathize with this simply based on the fact that they are actually sharing their entire lives with someone. Marriage is SO much more than signing a piece of paper.. Your perception of marriage is like that of an emotionally disturbed third grader. Listen, your messing around with a married man and you THINK you're the best thing to him since sliced bread.. Great. Continue to live delusional. Just stop justifying your BS to the W I V E S (and that's off paper) on this forum because the response will never be pretty...
Cindty: Thank you for your words of wisdom. Some of us "OW" are "OW" by accident. I am that case. I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing. I feel badly for his wife (even tho I know she is unbalanced) because of their commitment and the kids more than anything. I am also feeling badly for/about myself. He was split from her when he came to me, I let it continue for a month after they reconciled. I pray for forgiveness everyday for that lapse in judgment, and the harm I may have cause his wife and children. i am continuing to explore where the deficit was in my character that I allowed the relationship to continue even if for a month that was a month too long.
With help from some friends I have come to see how right you are about the selfishness and ego boosting as well as the diversion I provided from the real world for him. My friends told me how miserable I looked when I didn't hear from him and when I finally did I was elated. I am sure that level of desire was appealing to him, unfortunate for me that he abused years of love and trust to get his own needs met.
Unfortunately I can't say that i don't love him because 10 years of loving someone, even if at a distance, doesn't go away easily, I can say that I don't like him at all right now and that I feel sorry for his wife and kids to have to put up with him. I also came to the conclusion that maybe her miserable behavior is driven by him, thus he is creating his own excuse for infidelity. What a Cad and a drama maker! I am on the mend and will hopefully recover and never give him a second thought as time passes.
Thank you for acknowledging my good heart. I am a good person who was caught in a series of unfortunate events, and fell prey to his lies. I think the key to looking at why men cheat lies in predatory behavior. If they are unsatisfied they will cheat, who they cheat with are women who are vulnerable and will appreciate the attention. Low self esteem is the key on both parts as acknowledged by yourself in "ego boosting" statement. I hope that we can all recover and have lovely lives, the wives who were victimized, the other women who were picked because of their vulnerability, and the MM's who have those moments of egocentered weakness. Peace be with us all. Thank you Cindty, for talking me off the edge! Bless you!
I'm as dumb as every other OW on here. I'm going on one year into my second affair with the SAME man. I met him 15 years ago....my Senior year of college....right after graduation and right before I moved away. He was getting married in one month. We had a one night stand (it was my first...and last....and I was into a bit of a partying lifestyle and wanted to do the "no strings" thing before I left college). Either way...after that...I literally blew him off and never saw him again.
Until 6 months later when I received a call from him that he was going to be in my new town for business....would I like to meet for a drink. I was new to town, bored and said yes. I took one look at him....and the affair started that night. I was single and by now...he was married for a whole 5 months. We were together long distance for 2 years, before I finally asked him..."are you happy at home?" and he said yes. I told him never to contact me again unless he was divorced, and that was that.
Fast forward to now. I did go on to marry and have two children. My marriage has never been easy, and in my heart, deep down, I always felt that the other man was my soul mate. I did love my husband very much and simply believed that soul mates came into and out of our lives for many reasons, but that we were not always supposed to end up with them. The truth is....I never properly mourned the affair and the loss of the first man that I ever loved.
A few years back, I found my old MM online and emailed him a "how are you?" email. At the time, I was simply curious as to how his life had turned out. He called and we talked for half an hour and moved on. One year later...I did it again and we talked again. By now though, my own marriage was in big trouble. Not an excuse, nor a good reason, but a justification, I suppose. This time, after a few calls....and a few texts, he asked to see me again....I said yes.
I knew immediately that I was going to be with him sexually that night. I was nervous and felt guilty, but was so detached from my spouse that I truly didn't care. I pretended that I was just going to see what happened or that we would just "catch up" b/c that was easier to live with.
It has now been almost one year....again. As I type this, I'm waiting for him to arrive in town, so I can meet him for the night and the morning and then say goodbye again. When he leaves tomorrow, I will calm and happy for a week....then sad for a week....then angry and then depressed. Then I will break it off and he will say he understands and that will kill me.
It kills me b/c I KNOW he says that b/c he knows he cannot beg me to reconsider b/c I KNOW he is not getting divorced. So he doesn't fight me....b/c the truth is, I am NOT his first choice. I know this. Then we will go a day or two....and he will reach out...to check on me....and I will respond. And I will decide that we can be friends....and that I can maybe just see him when he's here, but not be physical and before I know it, the next meeting is all set up.
Why do I do it? I don't even know. I love him....but I know in my heart I don't want him. My husband and I are slowly moving toward a friendship again in our marriage and I believe that if I ended the affair, we might actually fall in love again. While it is again, no excuse....I have not had sex with my husband during the entire affair. For some reason, while I can justify the affair, I can't justify sleeping with two men at once. Pretty stupid coming from an educated adult.
Why am I posting all of this.....b/c I have no one to tell. No one to ask to support me. Woe is me....not really. My motto is..."the truth hurts" and guess what....my truth hurts like hell. I hate the situation that I have chosen to be in and I hate that I have done it twice.
I did it to feel loved and accepted and wanted and appreciated.I was missing that in my marriage and so I found it in him....b/c I knew him and trusted him. Even though he told me the first time and again this time that he would NEVER divorce his wife....I did it anyway.
I never, in a million years, thought I would have an affair on my own husband. Never. And yet...here I sit in the middle of it all. I know how to be strong and let go, but I don't want to. I did it before and it almost killed me, literally. I fear the pain and having to do it all secretly this time. I don't want to destroy my family, nor his....but I don't want to let him go either. I guess that just makes me selfish....and him too.
I will say that I agree 100% with what everyone else has said.....he's not leaving her for me. At times I have dreampt of that...but sadly, I don't even want him to anymore. I guess I just wanted to share the harsh reality of this ignorant decision with anyone else out there who is even thinking about doing this. It is not worth it. I have spent my day filled with tears, excitement, denial, anticipation, guilt, and elation......what a cluster fuck of worthless emotion. What a waste of time and energy.
I hope that my next update is to say that this is no longer my life. I think that this topic I have been reading for hours....has possibly been the boost I needed to move to the next level. I wish I could do it tonight....but won't have the guts to just stand him up.
I'm sorry to be so blunt and to appear so callous. I'm really not. If you knew me in real life....at least the life I show people, you would be shocked that I wrote this. I'm just numb and alone right now and trying to find the strength to move on and be happy.
@Hurting So Badly: Congratulations. It appears that you woke up, came back to reality, and rediscovered your self-worth. As a (betrayed) wife, I commend and appreciate your candor. Your statement about a (betrayed) wife's behavior being driven by her (cheating) husband's behavior is right on the money ... dishonest, immature men do create the "crazy wife" scenario to justify the stupid shit they do to themselves, their wives, and their other women. I wish you the very best of luck in the future. Keep the focus on yourself for a while; believe me when I tell you that you'll be a much stronger person and happier person afterward. Lean on God or who/whatever your Higher Power is ... that will get you through the rough periods as well.
@Wife With 2 Children: Bravo, bravo! I couldn't have said that better myself.
@ AsDumbAsTheRest, I commend your honesty on this topic. It's a very sensitive one for both parties. However, at the end of the day, there is a sound decision that needs to be made...
I want to picture this... WHAT IF, your husband found out? I want you to picture his reaction, his upset, his betrayal, his lost of trust in you, his heartbreak.. Picture that clearly. Picture him removing his wedding band, packing his things and telling you that you are now free to be with whom ever you wish. Picture DESTROYING him to the point that he becomes unrecongizable, incapable of trusting ANYONE. Picture him questioning EVERY LAST MINUTE in your marriage and wondering if there was ANY part of your marriage that was true.. Picture him only dealing with you through a divorce attorney. Picture the lonely nights without him in your bed, wondering where he is, wondering if he is doing the very same thing you were, that ultimately bought you both into that senario.. While picturing it, count your cost and determine if this affair is worth all of that...
Now I may be sounding dramatic but this is not far from the reality. This is the level of destruction that this kind of thing has. At some point, this WILL come to light..
I wanted to add one more thing. In relation to one of the topics that seems to keep popping up on here....at FIRST (15 years ago, before I was married and before He had kids etc...) I really did think I was special enough for him to leave his wife for me. He made me feel THAT good when we were together. Of course, with it being long distance and before high cell usage and texting etc.....he only had to make me feel good every so often....and in between, I really couldn't even communicate much with him, like I do today.
I thought that the longer he was with me, the more he would realize that he made a mistake in marrying his wife. Afterall, they were young, had no kids and hadn't been married that long. Happens to couples all the time, right? I know now that if he was going to leave, if I was his true focus , that would have been the time to do it. Admit the mistake...and move on.
But no. I'll tell you what he was doing. He was building a home with her. He was planning a move states away from me, with her....to accept a new job. He was trying to start a family with her....and they were even seeking assitance to get this done.
So while I spent my time longing for him and wasting my 20's on this man, he was enjoying the best of both worlds.
Obviously this leaves the question, why did I do it again with him? Well, the truth is that while my marriage was suffering I did drink more....and I actually numbed my conscience. The other truth is this.....even after all of those years....I always, deep down, believed that we were meant to be together, that we would see each other again and that I would end up with him. I really believed that.
And so, when he asked to see me a year ago, since MY marriage was in turmoil, I assumed that maybe he wasn't happy either. This was probably our destiny, right? Afterall, I knew that I wouldn't be meeting him if I was happy at home....I actually wanted to lash out at my husband. But I painted this beautiful picture in my head of how after all these years, if it was still there, we were obviously meant to be together.
After our 3rd meeting, we casually discussed his home life.....and I got the same story. Things are cool at home. Just a normal marriage. I chose to get married and I won't leave her. If she leaves me, fine....but I won't be leaving her. It was an eye opener and for awhile I thought it was enough to make me stop seeing him, but what I was getting from him emotionally, was too great. I have compared him to a drug myself, and know that I have an addictive personality.
I finally realized....and it is why I am so afraid to let go.....that we will most likely....NEVER be together. (why must I even say....most likely?) Ever. All those years ago, I could use that as a crutch to keep from dealing with the pain of losing him. Now...I have to accept that this time, when I say goodbye and mean it.....I will never see him again.
He does not lie to me, he does not degrade his wife.....it is as if we are friends, lovers and two people who simply wish that things were different. We know that to leave our families would destroy what we have....and hurt so many. The difference is, I know that deep in my heart, I would still consider leaving my husband for him.....and I know that he would not. So I carry an extra burden of guilt and of need, that he doesn't.
So....I guess I wanted to follow up and just say that I too, thought my affair was different. That we were unique and special. That we were soul mates. That I was and am something he loves. I think he does love me....and I love him. But I still think that we are selfish cowards to continue to do something like this with no intention of ending up together.
I'm obviously a slow learner. And as I make up my mind to do something....I am a slow mover. But once I decide that I am worth more than this, and that I can find healthy ways to fulfill what was missing in my marriage, IN MYSELF.....watch out. I will walk away, and never look back.....b/c I know now, that I can't. Or I will be right back where I am now.
I am not sure which hurts more, being in this place....or knowing I will never see him again? And again, I know that I deserve every bit of pain that is headed my way. But I guess that is where I am right now. In limbo, trying to be strong enough to do the right thing, but failing every day.
Ok this is going to be a novel I guess..So I am not sure how posting on here will help me but it does give me a small release to get it all into words and out there. So I have read this article and some of the posts everyone has a different story and a different perspective. Here is my story if anyone cares lol.. So I am married I have been with this man for over 9 years he is 45 I am 28. I was 19 when we met I was living a destructive lifestyle of sex, drugs and non-stop partying. I never really enjoyed the sex I was having with different men I really just wanted someone to love me.
I wanted my soul mate. Night after night I would cry over my life and then one day I met my Steven he was completely different from any other guy I had ever met he turned my world upside down and around all in a good way. I fell head over heels in love with this man he in my opinion saved me from myself and my destructive behavior. Now where to go from here.. We have never quite had a blissful relationship we do fight quite often but something keeps us bonded keeps us together its like this undying love. We always seem to work it out no matter what. Steve knew of my past and I knew of his. He had lived a bisexual lifestyle, which I have always been ok with considering I have had my experiences as well. Anyway there is a little history on us.
So about two years ago my husband cheated on my with my best gay friend. They did no have sex just mutually masturbated together and when my friend tried to take it to the next level my husband declined. This was a heartbreaking experience for me but after time I moved on.. Like I said from the beginning I knew he was Bi and I think I rationalized it and thought well I cant compare to that I do not have the body parts not that cheating is acceptable because it is not. Anyway moving forward I have so many times told my husband I think he is gay and needs to be true to himself he has denied this and says he just likes the fantasy of it sometimes but the reality is gross to him. Over these past few years since this happened he has not looked at gay porn in fact he has looked at straight porn a few times which I do not mind.
Well getting to where I am today sorry for how long this is.. Well recently my husbands father passed away and my husband had to go to Arizona to take care of his estate. I did visit and we decided we would move to Arizona together. He left August 1st to handle the estate and was to come back to work on getting our house ready to sell. Well after a month went by still he had not come home. Our relationship like I said has never been steady we are both rather unstable people in my opinion but I am the first to admit I am a little out there. Anyway around the beginning of September I begged him to come home or to send me the money to come see him he refused and told me to work on our house. Well this was around the time of a special anniversary to us and I got angry and told him that I feel he abandoned me he didn’t seem to care what I had to say so I freaked out and told him it was over like I have a hundred times before but I never really mean it.
Well shortly after that I knew something was not right I had a dream that he had cheated on me.. Not this may not seem like a big deal a dream right well it is for me see when my husband cheated with my best friend I dreamt about it this thing with my friend happened twice after the first dream I had I jokingly confronted my husband about it and he denied it so I let it go then when I had this friend over again I went to bed they stayed up and all of a sudden I was awaken from a dream about it again and something I do not know what told me to go downstairs and that is when I found out..
I have always been a believer of dreams and messages they give us anyway so I had another dream this time about a woman I confronted him he seems nervous but of course denied it.. I let it go for a few days until I dreamt about it again and the feelings were to strong to ignore so I drilled him via phone until he confessed he had cheated with some woman he met at a bar. I could literally feel my heartbreak when he confessed this was three weeks ago. Well after he confessed I told him it was over for real this time. I had for years rationalized his cheating with a man to be something that I cant compare to but another woman it is my worst nightmare come true. I cant stop thinking about it consumes my life. I think about it constantly. He says it was not full on sex that he could not even get it hard all the way and that he only put it in her for a second before he saw her face and freaked out at what he was doing.
The night he confessed he told me he wanted to die for what he did to me I never heard him cry so much. I want to believe he is remorseful and sorry for what happened but it hurts so much. I asked a thousand times why but nothing he can say will make it better. He even told me she was a nice lady and did not think she was a slut why would he tell me this. He said I told her we were separated so I do not fucking care what he told her I still loathe this woman who I have never met how can I have so much hate for a stranger its absurd. I find myself asking him questions that do not matter and yet it drives me insane I ask was she shaved? Was she tight things like that absolutely ridiculous questions! But I really cannot help myself this has taken complete control over my life.
I do not know what to do at this point. I still love this man but I look at him and see him as the man who betrayed me for what some woman he just met in a bar how could he do this to me… when will it get easier?! I need peace this sorrow and anger has a hold of me.. Sorry for the insanely long post...
My husband cheated on me while i was pregnant with our twins with his " busines partner" for about 6 months up until I gave birth. He told me he ended it with her and that they are strictly business partners.
I confronted the woman and told her everything that he was lying to her as well. she told me she felt so stupid and used and apologized to me. that i shouldnt have gone through what i did esp while i was pregnant. she would write me long emails and texts explaining that it will NEVER happen again and that she couldnt help her feelings at the time because she had just gotten out of a relationship of 5 years and my husband happened to befriend her and things esclated from there.
They still work together and communicate via text emails and such but its part of their job to do so. I cant trust him nor her. but we have three children together and I'm trying really hard to keep this family together.
How do I know if they really ended it. Its been about 7 months now that he supposedly ended it with her but it's still killing me inside. Like I want to leave so bad and forget about all the hurt but to think about the kids I stay.. I still love him very much and Im hoping hes telling me the truth. Yet I cant help but to try to find things that will link me to evidence that hes cheating on me with her again.
Pennylane, your post prompted me to write again.
Of course, a man can fall in love with more than one woman in his lifetime. Plenty of men do. It can happen regardless of whether he's a bachelor or is married. Women don't like to hear that, but it's true. And if a married or otherwise committed man is in a volatile relationship at home, odds are high that this will happen. And there are plenty of unhappily married men out there. One needn't look far to find abundant evidence of this. More than one thread on this forum has demonstrated this, just point and click a few times and you'll find them. And google the phrase one in five married people are in love with someone else sometime. See how many hits you get. It's a real eye opener, trust me.
And of course, a woman can fall in love more than once in her lifetime, too. Heck, it's happened to me. Twelve years after becoming a widow I never thought I could ever care for another man, let alone a married one. But, as the worn-out cliche goes, here I am. Our working together puts a different dimension on it; we can't act on it. But as I said, I would never want to become a trophy wife anyhow, so I have to make the choice for myself of planning my life out in another way; my OWN way.
Which brings the point of this post to YOU, Pennylane: you have to decide for yourself how much of your life you want to compromise for your married lover, and whether or not you want to cut your losses and map out a Plan B; totally devoid of him. How much is this guy worth? Only you can answer that . You seem pretty independent and self-sufficient, so I suspect that cutting him loose would be of no great loss to you. Good Luck.
T.J.H.
THERE is NO SUCH THING AS AN INNOCENT Business partnership between a man and woman that spends at least 8 hours in the same office together... Fuck Me....and ESP when the woman is a dirty, no self respect whore... please someone tell me otherwise..
This whole situation has literally cause psychological damage to me for the rest of my life. its like you seriously think it wont do any damage when you're messing around with a married man with children and more on the way?? talk about being selfish. you are the one that are causing destruction in this society for having children hate their fathers because they get seduced by office whores and them leaving their wives. Thank you homewreckers...
P.S. i finally found a place where i can vent with other wives thats been in the same boat.
P.S. - Sarcasm INTENDED on the trophy wife part, Penny. Thanks.
@ Wife with 2 Children....
Thanks for your thought provoking comment. I agree with every word.
I have spent much of today thinking about my actions and where they can possibly lead me. I don't feel elated or happy or excited anymore and I really believe that this week was my final goodbye. It's funny b/c there are so many thoughts that run through my head.....yet NONE OF THEM MATTER! They really don't. You can't make a person change his or her mind....in most cases. And in this case, I already knew that there was no mind to be changed.
Last night, I asked some hard questions. He has always been "honest" with me, but he is also able to put a spin on things....saying things like..."I just don't go there" or something along those lines. I realized last night that it was not what he WAS SAYING that upset me the most.....rather what he was NOT SAYING. By my not asking, he doesn't have to face or answer to the truth either.
I feel content (sort of) today. I put my cross back on. I am going to embrace my religion again. And I am going to let go of the crutch that was NEVER the solution. I had SO MANY signs this week...in the quiet of my home. So many signs that were screaming to me to move on or let go......for all of the right reasons. And then I ran across this site.....and I just can't sit around in denial b/c I am afraid of my own pain anymore.
This time, I am just going to back off slowly. I have tried being upset. Tried being mature. Tried face to face. Tried voice to voice. Nothing works as long as I continue to let him contact me. This time....I am going to skip the drama. He probably knows b/c the tone of my voice changed after our conversation last night.....and as many of you have mentioned....lo and behold, I got a good morning, on the way to work, phone call. Prior to this....he had even been slowing in the text department and I fully expect that as he feels me leave him, he will try harder.
When I have the right simple words ready and am strong enough to send them.....I will. But this time, I am not going to do this and at the same time hope for a response that says...."Oh no....don't leave me...I love you." This time I am going to kindly ask for him not to respond. I am going to call it taking time on my end....b/c the thought of forever devastates me, simply b/c of the loss of what has become a best friend too. And then...I sway to keep from suffering from the pain. So I will label it a break for ME.....and then never look back.
Not that anyone cares about my plan, but I do. I said to him yesterday....I have no one to discuss this with and feel like I cannot make the right decision, b/c you are obviously heavily involved with ME....and cannot be unbiased.
I think what did it for me, finally....is that when I spoke about MY feelings and hopes for the future(in general..not even asking him to be with me).....he was still very quiet. He always acknowledges and listens and supports every thing I say....yet he often has no real response back. Not the one I am looking for. His inability to say what I wanted to hear, told me exactly what I NEEDED to hear, and while it hurt, I am thankful for that. He has enough at home to stay......FOREVER. And that should be enough for me to let go.....FOREVER.
Mom of 4, I feel your pain, believe me, been there and still trying to move on. OW women are so flawed in their thinking....It's okay as long as the MM feeds thems lies about the wife, an unhappy marriage, and so on. Nightmare come true, I feel sorry for you, because there is alot of strange things, in my opinion, in your realationship all the way around. You don't mind his bi-seuallity, but now it's OW....My prayers are with you.
Tara, your post prompted me to post...I've been reading this hub for years and I used to post. I was a cheated on wife also. My husband was a serial cheater and he also had one long term on again off again OW and she was a doozy. She wanted her man (o ya, my husband), that's for sure...never got him though. First of all, anyone can fall out of love, man or woman. And then they can fall in love again. I don't think that basic fact pisses the wives off that much, it's part of life and we all get that. What pisses the wives off if they were to stop and think, or when the smoke blows away and they can think, or perhaps some women never do really is the husband's behavior. I can only speak for myself but I think Veronica's original hub resonated with this message, is that I could have dealt with my husband being a man (not a lousy piece of shit cheater) and coming to me and saying I CAN NOT BE MARRIED TO YOU. Of course, I would have said why not? can we work on it and cried and cried and pleaded even but had he stood his ground and said NO, I AM NOT MEANT TO BE A MARRIED MAN AND I'LL BE HONEST I AM JUST GOING TO CHEAT ON YOU IF I STAY then I would have let him go. But he didn't. Instead he projected HIS unhappiness onto our marriage and onto me. And the funny thing is and I'm a pretty realistic person so believe me on this, we didn't have a bad marriage...well, let's rephrase that, he had a darn good wife. I'm not tooting my own horn but I loved to have sex with my husband, it was great for both of us, we could talk all night long, I had his babies, took care of his two sons who were older, I kept the house clean, cooked, fit right into his family and I can keep going on...and when my husband was on board with marriage and not fooling around we had a good marriage. Did you notice I said WHEN??? So when my husband was fooling around he had to work (family business that didn't pay him much) ALL the time, he had buddies who needed him, his dad needed this or that, he got stuck in traffic...always an excuse, always a reason AND if I got mad about this somehow by the time the fight was over it MY fault (ok, now something should be ringing a bell in your mind at this time as by your posts I interpret that you believe that the wives behavior, most likely relayed to the OW's by the husband, is the problem, not the husband...). How was it my fault that I was stuck at home, watching kids, no money because I was the only with a real job most of our marriage and I paid all the bills and then didn't have spending money for new clothes, fun trips or any of that...how was it my fault that when we had one vehicle, bought by me, that when he couldn't make it home that night in said vehicle because of whichever above excuse and I'm panicking because I might be late to work, let's remember I'm the only one working...yes, you'd be upset too, how was that my fault??? The main reason I am giving you my history is to give you a full picture, the other side of the coin. I don't believe all the other husbands are like my husband in that sense. At least I had a clue I was married to an ass and I chose to ignore that clue until it was too late. But I am going to guess that there are many women who have regular and wonderful sex with their husbands, they have conversations, fights, children, trips, lives and all the every day things with their husband and they do believe things are fine and then one day WHAM there is another woman involved in their lives. And betrayal hurts. Perhaps you've never been betrayed in a marriage and if you have not then you have been blessed. Betrayal hurts. It hurts even when you are in a marriage like mine was. It hurts if you are thinking of divorce and it hurts if you thought your life was perfect. The best way I can describe it is like getting hit so hard the wind is knocked out of you, going into shock, horrible grief, horrible anger and a lot of what that hell did I do to deserve this all rolled into one. It is honestly something I wouldn't wish on my enemies (or even on the OW my husband was involved with...). So when the shell shock wears off you are pissed. You go through the grief cycles just like any other life altering situation, ie. death, etc. I've googled and read a lot and betrayed people all over write very very similar things. You can chart the cycles of grief and anger and sadness...So back to what I was originally saying, it is the husband's behavior that makes the wives mad but unfortunately (and I fell into the same trap) wives are mostly are mad at the OW not our husbands. Before the wives start to scream here, trust me, I'm a wife, I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING the behavior of a woman who messes around with a married man. OW's, I don't care how long and how hard he's been chasing you. I'm pretty sure because I've thought about this a lot over the past 5 years, that a simple GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN BECAUSE THE FIRST PERSON I'M GOING TO TELL THAT YOU ARE HITTING ON ME IS YOUR WIFE AND THE SECOND IS MY LAWYER AS I SLAP A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT ON YOU...is going to effectively end any flirting on 99.5% of all married men's part. But women who turn into OW's do not do this. Instead they completely believe the LIES of the husband and a relationship forms and strengthens and grows but it's based on lies. Almost every single OW who posts here says the same things. These stories rarely have originality. Let's be honest, any of us wives could start meeting up with a married man, spend time with him and talk dreams, plans, etc and "fall in love" too. But we aren't. That doesn't make us better but it does mean we aren't crossing some line we shouldn't cross. What saddens me about the posts from the OW's is that there is an overall sense of depression and sadness and the women are only happy in that small period of time they are with their man. It's very unhealthy sounding and it sounds like a lot of women with low self esteem and depression issues. And in their minds, if only the man would come to them their fairy tale would be complete. No it wouldn't. They'd have to deal with ex-wives, angry step children, angry in-laws and friends, bills, work schedules, illnesses, life, jobs (all the things we wives are dealing with and a little more) and I can guarantee this, they would also have to go around wondering if that man who is now theirs is either a) going to find another OW or b) wonder if he's going to mess around with the now ex wife. I can also guarantee that b) will happen at least once because men also take time to de-tangle themselves from relationships and jumping from one woman to the next, well you still have to de-tangle yourself from the first. In my case, I left my husband, he and the OW spent more time together but she never became the official girlfriend even with me out of the house, and the b) scenario happened A LOT!!!! Anytime that I picked up or dropped off the kids the husband wanted to have sex with me, notice the OW was never around when I was coming around??? Husband wasn't standing up to me making a statement that he wanted this other woman to take my place. But let's be honest, he'd been having sex with both of us while we were together, why would he want anything to change? This all worked for him very well. He didn't want to stop being involved with me regardless of what he told her. Ok, so are you getting a basic fact here, the person, and in our cases we are talking men, LIE? They tell a lot of lies. They lie to their wives and they lie to the OW's and I bet they lie to themselves. As far as I can tell most of the wives don't make excuses as why their husbands are lying to them but the OW's always do. Wives tend to just want to yell at/about the OW instead of the husband. The OW always has an excuse for her man,he's got this or that or his wife this or that. Whatever. My husband and I did reconcile and we had another child and I could never completely trust him again and be happy and he wasn't happy either (but he's never been happy and I'm not talking about just with me...he's that way with life in general) so we a
Thanks Tara_in_Ne. I appreciate your insight. Maybe one of these days I'll tell you my story. Everybody has one.
@ AsDumbAsTheRest..First off, you need to change that name. ;) Its a contradiction to the truth. Once again, I applaud your honesty and your courage. The BEST thing for you to do for YOU, is to walk away from that man. We are all capable of making mistakes and bad decisions but what defines character is what you do next after that bad decision/mistake has been acknowledged. I pray for strength and courage for you.. Best of luck.
Sue-
Hi. I apologize for getting back to you late. I also would like to apologize if I implied that falling in love-out of love-and back in love again was necessarily a good thing. In no way did I mean to. Take it from me, falling in love again isn't necessarily good; it has been at times incredibly painful for me.
And in no way did mean to imply that married men were the only ones unhappy. I'm willing to bet that for every unhappily married man out there there are at least three to four married women who go through motions living with their husbands but no longer love them. It's sad. It stinks.
But as you pointed out, more often than not, it's the wife that gets the raw end of the deal. She is physically and emotionally spent from taking care of the kids. From the cooking, cleaning and balancing the checkbook. And usually she works outside the home, just like her husband. So tack on another forty plus hours a week with a boss on her case and of course her feelings are bound to change and her resentment will grow.
And increasingly, who do these wives turn to for an outlet? Another man. Perhaps a 'workplace spouse'. I see it all the time. I'm not saying I condone it; I'm saying I totally get it.
In response to your question - have I ever been be betrayed? To the best of my knowledge, no. The two years we were married were hands down the best two years of my life. He was an incredibly devoted husband to me. If he had been otherwise I would have definitely found out through one person or another on the force; I still see his colleagues frequently to this day. We didn't have the chance to have children, and while it would have been an incredible privilege to, we both agreed that simply having each other was in itself a blessing.
Where are things at with you Sue? You reconciled with your husband but it didn't work out, right? Your post got cut off so I'll be looking for your response and hope you are doing much better and things are going well for you.
As for me, I've taken steps to break free from this EA, because this roller coaster is really starting to get taxing for me. It's difficult. He tells me he needs to work things out with his wife. I know this. She needs him. He DOES love her. But he insists on maintaining our close friendship. It's crazy. I've been meeting with someone who has been helping me plan a life outside of my damn job. She's been great to talk with. I'm driven like a freight train at work; in my down time it's the exact opposite. I'm sort of a lone wolf. Been told that by more than one person. I need to meet new people and to work on my social life; I admit that. I think it's the best chance I have to snap out of this .
Take care.
T.J.H.
I wish I had read these comments two years ago. I never thought that I would EVER have a relationship with a married man, especially since I come from a family where my parents have been married for 30+ years and grandparents 60+.
I am still unsure when i decided to let my morals go, maybe it was the flattery or the thought that I made him feel better about unhappily married situation. I gave websites and therapists to go to...of course now I realize he probably wasn't looking to fix anything with his wife, and probably was seeing if I would take the bait, and I did!
I thought that my situation was "different" because we dated briefly in high school and then lost contact with one another. He knew the type of family I came from and that they frown upon any affairs, but some how I talked myself into thinking that this was "different".
My gut, however, told me otherwise. I feel as if I stepped outside of myself and watched this drama unfold.
All along my gut/voice kept saying "this is how all those women get in those 15 year affairs and wait for the guy to leave his wife" but I shook it off because it was "different".
I heard the same story, as you all have written about, the wife ignoring him, not communicating with him, saying she is not in love with him anymore...etc As our relationship progressed, I began to see that what HE complained about as far as his wife's flaws were actually HIS.
He didn't know how to communicate and basically wanted to be free of responsibility. His flaws became even more apparent once I became pregnant with his child. he supposedly had physically separated with his wife and was planning to divorce her (what I was told before I found out I was pregnant) but now he has conveniently not speaking of the divorce or problems anymore.
Unfortunately, my son and I will have to face my actions when his wife finds out. Oh..I forgot to mention that he didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant, with the exception of one of his brothers. His mother, my son's grandmother found out the day I went into labor, so the sh*t has not completely hit the fan yet. My family knows everything, and they did from day one.
I am thankful for my son, he is a true blessing, but I feel bad that I won't be able to give him the complete family like I had.
His father visits, and does support him financially, but that is it. It's as if what he complained of his wife has become me now (karma)
So while he is most likely pursuing his next victim, I am here dealing with many changes (new job, new environment, first time mom/single parent).
So for those of you who keep pushing aside that voice saying "this is wrong" it is.
I learned that I need to be true to myself and my feelings. I waited for him to tell me what he wanted (whether he was going to stay married or not). I shouldn't have given him that power.
A lesson learned
I don't know what website this is or how I even found it, but I am grateful to all of you who shared your stories, and grateful to Veronica for going hard on all of us here. We need to hear it, plainly for what it is. No sugar-coating the truth.
I met my married man a few years ago. We worked together. I was just about done with my divorce and he told me he was divorced. Never any sign of a ring, no picture of the wife on his desk, nothing. We had a great relationship. Eventually his employment ended with my company and he began his own trucking business. Our relationship was strained because he was always gone, never any time for me.
Eventually, things started not adding up and I began having my suspicions, but I had no proof. I couldn't start making accusations without proof because men are good at playing on our insecurities and making us feel like we're crazy.
Eventually the wife contacts me via email and leaves me her phone number, and he manages to answer her phone in the middle of the night. Totally busted!
We stopped speaking for several months. He gets back in touch, this time they're separated and he's got his own place. Not too long after she's back calling me, and nothing of the sort is true.
Again I try again to move on with my life, he contacts me a few months later telling me he's looking for an apartment and if I could help him in his search. I ignore him and tell his wife to tell her husband to stop contacting me. She admits they were fighting at that time which is more than likely the reason he was contacting me.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Some information of mine was stolen that could've contained his social security number in it, among other things, so I sent him a simple message letting him know. That leads into a lot of conversation and for the first time throughout all of this he seems ready to address everything that's transpired. He finally apologized, finally explained what happened, and he finally began telling me everything as far as how he felt about me, etc... He took a week off of work to hang out with me, and all we did was go to lunch everyday, no sex. He can't stand not speaking to me, almost killed himself trying to send a text message after I told him that I wanted a break and that I don't think us trying to be friends would work out. Now he's telling me he loves me, he wants to go to a cabin in the snow during the winter, blah, blah blah... All I could think was why now? I began seeing him in July '07 and now it's November '10. What's changed? Did it really take him THAT long to realize he really did love me or want me? Or was he simply just trying to throw out more attractive bait to keep me hooked in that going nowhere situation just a while longer?
At the end of the day, all his words meant nothing. I asked him what he wanted and to sum it up, be basically intends to remain married. I told him that's fine, but I am not going to be his other woman. He acted sad, cried a bit. Claims he wants me to be happy, but won't leave me alone so I can continue on in my life and find that happiness that I deserve. I told him that he's made his choice and I don't want any part of this anymore. I told him not to talk to me anymore. And what does he do? Sends a text message less than 24 hours later. He doesn't care about me and the pain he's causing me. It's all about HIM in his world, what's he's not getting at home and what he wants to get from me.
Ladies, I know many of us don't go out looking for these kinds of situations. We happen upon them, but that doesn't mean that we can't start right from where we are, find our strength and get out! My strength comes from all of the stories that women have shared previously about this. I don't want to continue on wasting years, decades even on a man that's not worth it. I get strength from knowing what I want, which is a man that's 100% committed to ME, a man that's not a coward and that will be there for me when I need him, a man that wants me first, foremost, and only, who wants to provide for and to protect me. A man that understands that love is a verb and is able to back up his claims with the appropriate actions.
Even though I love him, I've learned to love myself more. My needs were not being met in that situation. He's got obligations to his wife, child, family, business, etc. My only obligation is to myself. I'm determined to get what I want in this life, the happiness that I seek. He can't provide, so I've got to leave him behind and move on so I can find the person that can.
Hi everyone
Wow, I spent the whole day reading everyone's views..
I have met a really nice guy.
He is married.
I am very attracted to him. I think what attracts us women to these men, are one of the weaknesses that was there since the beginning of time. With Adam and Eve. The fruit was forbidden, but Eve wanted it.
These married men are forbidden, but we single women want it.
Yes, these men can come in any shape or form, but at the end of the day I believe an affair is only about sex. SEX SEX SEX.
I think when married couples sex-lives become a bit boring, the man tends to look outside for someone who can do things his wife wont do anymore. Men are men.
I would love to have a husband. I want to make him happy. I will love him and care for him and satisfy his needs. Why are married women being so dificult? They withold these things from these men, of course they are going to look outside the marriage. Yes, everyone blames the man, but I think it all starts with the wife.
Why are wives these days so selfish? Dont you know there are many women out there looking for a good husband, who will come home and ask to make love to us? I would never reject my husband, who wants to do that????? So what if you are tired, he is not asking you to run a marathon, do it for him. When there is a fight, or he makes you mad, you give him the silent-treatment and withold sex from him. Lets face it, women has a very strong power here, and it is to give or withold sex. most women use the witholding part and then wonder why their husbands are off looking for something exciting. WAKE UP!!!
I know I am going to get alot of bad replies, but I dont care, I feel like shouting out from the roof tops, MARRIED WOMEN, TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBANDS. THEY ARE MEN, WE ALL KNOW WHAT THEY WANT AND NEED. MAKE THEM HAPPY. AND MEN, DONT BE SO QUICK TO WALK AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE. TALK TO HER, TELL HER IF YOU NEED MORE. GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.
You know what, its always important to put yourself in another persons shoes before judging them. I have put myself in each one involved shoes. the wife, the husband.
Now, the position which I am in now, TO BECOME OR NOT TO BECOME THE OTHER WOMAN.
I have met this great guy. He is wonderfully charming, he likes me, laughes at my jokes, and he wants me. He has told me that he is happily married, but does not get enough sex. He finds me attractive and wants to persue an affair with me.
Do you know how badly I want him? how much I see myself lying in bed with him. He is such a good guy, and I cant help myself but wonder, what is the wife thinking? Wake up wife!
no, I will not sleep with him, although we both want to. But instead I have told him if he wants to cheat, I will not be the woman to help him with that. I have asked him to speak to his wife before he does something he will feel guilty about later on and regret having an affair.
I still want him, still hope it is him everytime my phone rings, but I know this is best. Can we try to help these men rather than helping them hurt their wives. And the other woman is also hurt in the end.
You know, life can be hard, but we need to try and respect other people. Respect the wife, respect the man by saying no to him and respect yourself enough by walking away.
Good luck to everyone looking for the right answers.
Wait wait..Hold up... What Asylum did you escape from? It's the WIFE'S fault? Really? Did you sniff glue? Smoke crack? Weed? Something? ANYTHING? Please have a really good excuse to be as delusional and moreover as CALLOUS as you are. Listen, you are on a forum PACKED with devistated women who have given their ALL to their husbands, never allowing him to lack, and yet he goes out and follows his d*ck to the next available jump off he can find. Affairs WRECK LIVES. They hurt and destroy families! It's the WIFE'S FAULT? You "other women" kill me with how you think you "provide" him with something his wife dont. Listen, you provide him with the same fantasy that porn does. Once he jerks off and is finished, you fade out to black and he's out. Please get your prospective straight.
My suggestion to you is this. Don't add insult to injury with your less than ignorant view of the interaction between a wife and a husband. There are QUALITY wives on this forum who have been crushed by their husbands affair... Your opinion of how the wives need to "wake up" is careless and not warranted.
Hi Wife with 2 children, I am sorry that you read my post and think I was just blaming the wife. I think if you maybe read it more carefully you would have seen that I am actually on YOUR side.
Yes, some men are plain jerks, and even if they have a very good wife they will still cheat. It is YOUR problem if you married this man. In my earlier post I was talking about the good men, who have wives who withold sex from them. The 2 are completely different.
You sound like the wife who has given her husband EVERYTHING, trying to satisfy all his needs, but he is the jerk looking outside the marriage. Dont blame the other woman he is with, blame yourself for having clouded judgement on the day you said I DO. You married a jerk. Ok, maybe you didnt know it and only came to realise it after you were married, but how is this the other woman's fault? NOOOO.
In my post, I was talking to the wives who are married to good men.
I think you need to read my post again.
maybeme, I took you up on your suggestion and re-read your post.. Just in case I missed anything that would strengthen your - I'm on your side argument. Listen, if you are even CONTEMPLATING an affair, you are not on the wives side. Remember you said - Now, the position which I am in now, TO BECOME OR NOT TO BECOME THE OTHER WOMAN.
Call me nuts but.. that just don't sound like you're actually on ...."my" side. Being on the side of the wife is.... I met a married man... and I told him to take his ass home to his wife.. THE END.
Good men.. a good husband would know that marriage is work - on BOTH ends. And if he is THAT unhappy, he would leave the marriage before he destroys his wife. The men you speak of are dicks, not good men.
You don't have an idea what a marriage is composed of. Do you really think that if you were to give your husband (or your future husband, since you are not married) all that he needs (or rather, all that you think he needs), he isnt capable of finding something else? Or in HIS mind, something better? Really..? And you want to tell the wives to wake up? Before you size up a martial situation, be in one yourself...
About the wives holding out.. have you ever considered the fact that there is a VALID reason why she does that? Women are not like men. We don't just lay down even though there is a host of issues in the relationship, Men do. Have you ever considered the fact that maybe... JUST maybe the wife is withholding because of her husbands..umm indiscretions? You mentioned the man that you are with has a Happy marriage but does not get enough sex. Wow... and you actually believe this? (laughable) I hope you don't believe in the tooth fairy too... The truth is, many married men who pursue affairs are selfish and DO have good women at home who take care of their needs..
Now lastly.. to your comment about how you perceive my marriage. First of let me explain, nothing could be further from the truth. My judgement was anything but clouded when I married my husband. I have a great husband. Would he ever cheat on me? I would hope not. I dont pull anything past anyone. But my husband and I are great communicators. We talk about everything.. we work on our marriage, we engage in eachother's needs.. So in essence, it safeguards my marriage (to a degree) from women/men like yourself who dont have a clue what VOWS are. The reason why this strikes a personal cord with me is because I counsel WAY too many women who have been hurt to their SOUL because of an affair. I've seen too many families broken, too many hurt children, TOO much destruction as a result of the carelessness that you've expressed..
Am I only blaming you? (or the other woman)? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Actually it is mostly the husband who is at fault. However, when you are well aware of his marital status, and you engage that man in an affair.. you become just as accountable as he is...
I don't actively post here, but I read every comment, and I monitor this very closely.
If you're going to comment here, fine. You don't have to agree or be nice or expose yourself.
I ask 3 things -
1 - don't misquote me.
2 - just post as one person. Don't agree with yourself as a second identity
3 - don't tell others their comments aren't welcome on my Hub. It's my forum, I'll decide if someone isn't welcome and I'll block them.
Those of you with the strongest opinions are usually those who make everyone else really think. You either open up their minds to other ideas, or you strengthen the conviction they have in the ideas they've already formed. It's never the content of what you're saying that is a problem, it's the telling others they aren't welcome or the multiple identities that's the problem. Don't ruin the contribution you make here with that stuff. You're allowed to disagree.You're welcome to post here.
Veronica,
Busted! I posted under the inititals OW, but decided to change it because when people mentioned the OW I didn't know if they were referring to me or the other woman.
Thanks for updating your rules.
Pennylane,
I had seen that, that was a while back. And it made sense to me why you changed names. But you didn't pretend Pennylane was reaffirming OW or anything. That's fine, it's not what i was referring to here. You've made some very interesting contributions to this thread and I hope you will keep doing so.
Hi Veronica and all,
Here is my story.
My best friend and I work together and she was seeing a married man in the same company. I disagreed with it completely but I never judge my best friends all I can do is give my advice and try to guide them, never ever will I tell someone how to live their life! Anyway the guy she was seeing best friend also worked in the company and I had the biggest crush on him so one night we all went out. I asked my best friend if he was single and to my happiness he was ..... Or so I thought!
4 months into it I found out he was married with a child. I could not believe it. I was heartbroken and not just for me, unfortunately I was so far in and completely in love. He came clean and told me everything. After going mad at him we continued our affair. Stupid I know! 1 month later he left his wife and it was not for me he was extremely unhappy in his marriage. He loves his child dearly and does absolutely for him which is another reason I loved him. We became 'official' when he left his wife withy friends etc and his sister knew although his wife never knew. 4 weeks ago I left him. He tried to control me and had issues trusting me!!!! I guess I can understand this as I too had been doing something disloyal. I'm not angry or hate him at all. I wish him all the best!
I would never go out of my way to look or have an affair, but what people need to realize is situations like this do happen and all situations are different! It can be very hard to get out of it.
I for one never thought I would have an affair and thinking about it now saddens and disappoints me that I stayed with it, but I have learnt my lesson and I always learn the hard way.
Having an affair is a stupid, selfish, disrespectful thing to do.
To all you ladies out there who are having affairs or even contemplating one please just stop
and think it's not just yourself that will get hurt but it can destroy everyone else around u.
to Leevesy - Well said. I hope nothing but the best for you..
maybeme, I really hope that you don't start an affair, because in the end you will be hurt. It really saddens me as a wife to read what the OW tells herself to ease her guilt. I totally blame the MM, but there are times when we as women should value ourself, OW and the Wife. All we do is hurt one another,for the sake of one persons
selfishness.
As being the betrayed wife, I can tell you it's the worse felling in the world to be betrayed by the man you love and have built a life with and have these innocent children. And I am sure the OW who have told their stories here, have felt pain from the lies they are told by their MM. No one wins, NO ONE.......
It doesn't matter how much a wife does, sexually, emotionally, and deal with the every day life issues for our husbands....they use sex as a cop out and to make the OW feel that all she has to do is provide him with the sex, the ego building, and all the excitement of the affair and the MM will love them enough to leave his family, when in reality he gets the best of both worlds.
So the Wife and OW are the ones who are damaged in the end.....it's pretty pathetic and so devastating to both parties.
OW don't forget your self worth, don't fall into the hell of waiting for someone who won't committ 100%. He would leave his wife if he found true love. But a man can separate sex and love.....a woman has sex for love.
Hi Cindty
I have done some soul searching on this topic, and I have decided to walk away from the possibility of seeing this married man. My circumstances are a bit different, as this man openly admitted to be married, and to marry me TEMPORARILY. It is acceptable in their religion. I dont want to get into that too much. But at the end of the day, I will still help him cheat on his wife, as she will never know about this.
He has been travelling and said we need to decide on this when he comes back on Sunday, but my mind has been made up abut this.
I;ve spent alot of time reading every single post here as I found myself somewhat confused. I wanted to believe that he wanted to be with me, and I think I tried to convince myself that because he said his wife didnt give him everything he wanted, that mybe that gives me the right to try and give those things to him.I thought the wife was at fault. Obviously I was delusional and just trying to convince myself to go through with it.
I will never be the other woman, not for any man.
maybeme-
Hi. I have to ask; when you said that you had to "walk away from the possibility of seeing this married man", did you mean cutting off ALL contact or reducing it to a strictly platonic (and nothing more) level? The reason why I asked is that it seems to me that you are in the same boat as I have been in; an emotional affair that is on the borderline to becoming physical. That is, if there is a serious emotional bond between the two of you, as well as a mere attraction.
These are tricky to get out of; every day of my God forsaken life I'm reminded of how tough it is; it's been such a huge internal battle for me, and no doubt for him. NO other alternative to keep it amicably professional.
If that is the case with you, then I hope you come out of it okay. But don't ever let anyone tell you that ending an EA is a cakewalk. It never is.
Hey Tara_in_NE
I understand what you are saying. I think an emotional affair would be just as tough to get out of as a physical affair.
At first I did think about staying in touch with him. I thought we could be real friends, but you know what, even that is dangerous. I wouldnt want to even risk this, I would hate to fall in love with him.
From my side, I prefer to break the communication completely, however, knowing him, he is very persistant and adamant and he said he will still call and email. But ultimately the decision to answer the call or reply to the email is in my hands, so I think I will be strong enough to break ALL contact with him. After a while he will get the message.
I feel really sorry for you and what you are going through. I can really just imagine how hard it must be. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it. You know, about 2 weeks back, when I had to take a decision about this, I found myself so lost and then I came across this discussion. It has really opened my eyes. I think when men talk about their wives to the other women, the other woman always just has an image of the wife, but here you hear the wive's voice. It really made me see alot of things more clear.
I hope you will be ok and hopefully even you can get out of it and carry on with your life. All the best to you.
Wow, reading these posts brought back memories. I'm a married man, had a girlfriend for 18 years , yep, 18 long and wonderful years. She broke it off, but I did spend some holidays with her and did take her to Vienna, Prague, China, and lots of other places. I would spend at least 1 week a month with her and I did love her. I took care of her too, bought her cars etc. She broke it off after 18 years saying "you'll never leave your wife" and she was right. I told her I'd never leave my wife and I'd never leave her. I did love her but I couldln't leave my wife because she wouldn't make it on her own. I truly think my girlfriend was the only woman I truly loved. God married young (well, not young for these days) and I have a wonderful wife who is so opposite me it's scary, but she's my wife and I won't leave her. I was alive when I was with my girlfriend and I spent all my time trying to find an excuse to be with her and often did. My wife nev er wanted to travel with me so my girlfriend did, to very nice places. My wife never likes to go out to dinner, so when I was with my girlfreind I took her to the best of restaurants. We were more married than I was to my wife. My wife found out about us, and my girlfriend thought I';d leave her but I'd never do that, and I didn't. But she always had it in the back of her head that it was going to happen, so one night, after we spent a very romantic evening together she just got up and left. That was 3 years ago and I'm now the lonely one. Sometimes I think it can work but I never told my girlfriend I hated my wife. I don't, she is a wonderful person, only,,,, she doesn't like the things I like. As I said, I got married young. I told my girlfriend several times that I woudln't leave home and she understood that. At one time I even told her that my love for her was so great that I thought she should leave me and find someone that she could be with all the time, and SHE said NO! She said she enjoyed her freedom and enjoyed seeing me once a month, as I did. She enjoyed traveling with me then being home so she could do what she wanted when she wanted (not that I told her what to do) So, now, I'm still married, and I'm lonely as hell. But I couldn't just leave my wife so hear I am. Good Luck
It's good to hear from the married man's side too. just shows you, there's always someone that will end up hurting.
Every single day I face dificulty with my own situation, but coming on here regularly and reading the newest posts really helps me to stay focused.
dave, it's funny to me that you stayed married. I see this as the cowards way out of being committed to the person you really love. One thing you don't say, does your wife know about your mistress? Have you coommunicated to her anything you have said on your post?
I don't understand, why be miserable? Why do you want to just live in a world of misery?
I don't get it....your not living or is your wife and the OW has just wasted time on someone who can't make up his mind.
I am not trying to make you look as if you are such a bad person, but why live the way you do if you are so unhappy.....you say you are dead, something isn't jiving with what you say. All you say is I am not leaving my wife, and how much you loved the OW.....I feel sorry for you and your wife; Good luck and I hope that you don't leave this world with such unhappiness.
Hi Dave,
Have you considered marital counseling? Is she aware of how lonely and unhappy you are? In other words, Have you given your wife the opportunity to make things work? Or have you just automatically resorted to an affair? Understand the context of my question - its not to be judgemental, but direct. Having an affair hurts nearly everyone in the equation, including yourself. Because now, you harbor feelings for another woman that you SHOULD be directing towards your wife. The other woman probably is in love with a man that she cannot be with, and your wife (if she found out) would be devistated.. Is it really worth it?
We are all human and capable of this. But at the end of the day, you have to make a decision. Either A, work it out with your wife (allow her to work on those needs that you have while you reciprocate) or B, leave your wife. You are not loving her the way she probably outright deserves. Don't just chalk it up to - She just don't like the things I like. Just because you are married, does not mean you both have to like ALL the same things. HOWEVER, she should know those things that mean alot to you and ultimately impact your marriage. Even the smaller things..
@ maybeme - First off, allow me to apologize for my rash comment to your first postings. It really boils my blood when women who are having affairs with married men justify their actions by pushing it on the wife. It's downright hurtful. So I became defensive on behalf of the many, many good wives that have become victimes of affairs. I do not apologize for how I feel, but for the content of my initial posting to you.
I know that it must be difficult for you to walk away from this man clean. But honestly, it is the BEST thing for you. I have also heard from countless women in YOUR position. They end up devistated, when their married man ultimately proclaims that he WILL NOT leave his wife. Not only that, you are being lied to over and over and over again. Why put yourself through that, when you can be with a man who will probably give you what you really deserve. Why SETTLE? Why be someone that he just "uses"? That's not fair to you at all. If anything should encourage you to stay away, it should be the mere fact that he is playing with your heart.. that's wrong on many levels. Be with a man who can be YOURS... Good luck.
Hi Wife with 2 children
Thanks for the apology, but its allright. I think if I was THE WIFE, or A WIFE, then I probably would have felt the same and said the same things. Its ok.
The funny thing is, my dad cheated on my mom, when my sister and I were around the ages of 10 to 12. It devastated us. We still have issues today, as grown women, dealing with a childhood that was broken due to a dad that was unfaithful. Seeing our mom cry herself to sleep every night, picking up on my dad's lies as he made excuses to go out and see his other woman. A child seeing that at such a young age, will be scarred for life.
So you would think that I would have made a run for the hills when this guy came into my life, huh?
At the time I came across this hub I tried to convince myself that it is ok to give into the charm of this married man. When I first started posting here, I was 99% convinced that I was going to go ahead with my affair. I was just trying to give myself the GO AHEAD and make myself believe that it is ok to allow this man into my bed, while his wife is sitting at home looking after his 3 kids. I tried to make myself feel better about it, when at the same time, just thinking about the affair or his wife, made me feel so horribly guilty.
Then over the last few weeks, I've become a little stronger and have received some good advice and I became less convinced that an affair is something I would want to do.
But the truth is, this issue has become an ongoing struggle. I havent agreed to see him, and believe me we've had many opportunities for this. But I still hear from him. No contact is made from my side, but I am still finding myself too weak to put ALL communication to a complete stop. I know, there is no excuse for that. I am sure that I wont agree to see him cause we will end up sleeping together, so I have made up my mind about this part, but why the hell am I still talking to him? What am I hoping to get out of this?
I don’t know, I am really annoyed with myself!!
After really exploring this topic, I've seen that a married man will almost never leave his wife. But he will continue seeing his other woman, and he might even tell the other woman that he loves her. Whereas a married woman who is having an affair, will choose to go through a divorce to be with the man she is having an affair with, if she loves him. You always hear people say "he will never leave his wife" but you never hear "she will never leave her husband".
How strange is that?
The man will never leave his wife, cause he really really doesnt love or care about the other woman. Whereas a married woman having an affair, will choose to leave her husband because she might really love the other man.
So I think if anyone gets involved with a married man, and you know that he will never leave his wife, you have got to know how little you mean to him.
@ Maybeme - It's funny.. I have also undergone the same thing as a child. It is a dramatic experience.
In your logic, yes you will go running for the hills. But the heart wants what it wants at the end of the day. I think the way you are thinking about the affair and his wife is the most sober approach. You will get hurt at the end of it - its inevitable. Sometimes I wonder with these married men... Do they really think they will NEVER get caught? Whatever is done in the dark, will eventually come to light...
Just continue to remind yourself of the basis of this relationship and sever those ties before you get in to deep.. Even though you have made up in your mind that you will not see him, eventually that will change if you continue talking to him.. then you will become his other woman. It's a very lonely place to be. He will come and go as he sees fit (or whenever his schedule allows) and leaves you there to pick up the pieces while he goes home to his wife and children. The only thing he can give you is false hopes along with bits and pieces of a relationship that in actuality, does not exist. The only thing that can offer is momentary gratification, nothing more.
Give yourself the opportunity to move on from him (I know, easier said than done) However, if you are capable of making the decision not to see him, you are DEFINITELY capable of cutting him off completely. :)
Hi Wife with 2 cildren
You are right, if I could decide not to see him, I can decide not to talk to him anymore. I told him today that I wont be seeing him or talking to him again. He got upset, because he could hear that I am very serious about this. And I really am. I have made plans to travel for 3 weeks, and I want to use this time to do some soul searching. And when I come back home, I need him to be out of my system and out of my head.
Today I sit here and feel in control of the situation. I am looking forward having a healthy relationship with a decent single man. I am no longer going to sit at home, feeling weak and needy and just waiting for his secret texts and calls.
And I feel relieved that I can peacefully go to bed tonight, knowing I did not help this man hurt his wife and family.
I am very happy to give this update on my situation tonight, as this is where I found my answers, (also at times some harsh comments and advice:-)) but it was exactly what I needed.
(I went back to some older posts, and one lady said something about sisterhood. I totally agree with that, if all women can respect each other and say NO to married men, then there will be no women available to these greedy men looking for affairs. I think women (including myself) has made it way too easy for men to simply give them the option and go ahead to fool around with us.
maybeme - I am very pleased to hear of your firmness with this. You WILL most definitely NOT regret leaving him alone. You do not deserved to be lied to. His wife does not deserve to be lied to. Most times, these men have a series of "other women", making them ALL feel like they are the "only one". What BS.
I really hope you find yourself a single, devoted and honest man to give you the kind of relationship you deserve. (It's funny how combative we started out.. lol)
Karma is going to bite that married man on the ass. I don't wish him well. I Don't care. He just wants to create victims in this situation. (you and his wife).
Be Well Maybeme. Keep us posted on your ongoing success. (As well as all the other women on here who are shutting down these lying-ass men) I'll definitely be here to encourage. :-)
Just wanted to update and say (for myself and for anyone who read my story and wondered if I ended it) that I DID end up ending my affair recently.
I saw him 2 more times. The night I spoke of in my previous posts and then just about 2 weeks ago. At that visit, I had the hard talk, but I did it for me....so I could let go. NOT b/c I thought he would choose me. And again...the only thing he could say was that he didn't want to not see me. I was looking him in the eye, and he was looking me in the eye and he said it 3 times. I already KNEW the answer....but I got a pit in my stomach that wouldn't go away. We were interupted by a friend and never got a chance to go back to the hard conversation before he left. It was the first time I cried in front of him when he said goodbye b/c I KNEW I would never lay eyes on him again.
It was a hard night and next day....yet I still received a text on Monday asking if we were going to talk again. Ummm....what was there to say? I said I was willing to listen incase he had anything to add. He called me. He asked a few questions and I just held firm and asked if he had something else to add? I said that he had basically made me "ask" him to choose....without saying it, so that he now had to verbally tell me what his next step was.
Again....I already knew....but I thought it only fair that if I had to ask the hard questions....he should have to answer them to ME. He said...."what...do you want to make me feel bad, by making me say that?" I said no....I wanted him to have the courage to say the truth, b/c I needed to hear it so that I could quit creating another story in my own head. So he FINALLY said...."I am not ready to leave my family right now." And his voice was low and he wasn't his usual "up" self. I wasn't sick or sad or surprised. Unlike many married men, he had ALWAYS told me he would never leave her. But LIKE many women involved in an affair.....I eventually decided that what he said he felt for me MUST be enough to make him change his mind.
NEWSFLASH......It was NOT. Was never going to. NEVER will.
I find it amazing that he added the "right now" onto the end of that. Really? Not ready right now? Oh....okay. Well...maybe I'll stick it out until later them. And you know what is worse? At the end of the call....THAT is what I went back and decided to get hung up on! The right now at the end! Seriously. I know how ignorant it sounds....but that is how this works....for those of you feeling super special.
We talked a time or two more....or texted...not sure, but then I finally pulled the plug on it all. I told him that the right now was not fair....b/c we both knew that he should have said NEVER. I mean (and I told him this) you didn't leave her for me 15 years ago when I was unmarried, we were both young, and neither had children (and you had only been married for 6 months). You are not leaving her 15 years into your marriage with a 10 year old child now. Why should I sit around and think that you are going to decide that when the child is raised and gone....all the sudden you are going to be willing to walk out on your wife of 25 years.....in the prime of YOUR career.....to be with me! YOU should have told me NEVER.
I was nice....b/c I CHOSE this. So I don't hate him. But I did tell him that at times, I thought his "loyalty" to his marriage was a cop-out. He always told me that HE had CHOSEN to get married and therefore it was not her fault that he learned marriage wasn't for him, so he planned to stick to his commitment. I laughed b/c I thought....wow. So you're sticking to that commitment in your mind just by remaining married, yet doing this with me on the side doesn't negate that at all? Really?
And I have also told him that I understood. Didn't agree, but understood....that it did NOT benefit him to leave his wife for me. Why would he? She raises their child while he works alot and travels and then he does whatever the hell he wants. She has put up with his "growing pains" in life (he has a history and has been in and is still in the public eye) and now......why would he divorce the woman who runs his household and raises his child to have a long distance/divorced relationship with me? (we live 6 hours apart) I got it all along. I just had to HEAR it.
I miss him. I miss how he made me feel. But I always knew that he was NOT the answer to my own personal low self esteem. He did trigger something in me that makes me want, need and expect more in my life, but he was not and is not the answer. (It is not a justification.....but I have lived in an emotionally abusive marriage for 10 years and only now do I feel strong enough and beautiful enough to go out and address my REAL LIFE....)
And for the record....for those who wonder? It's true. I will leave my husband in the next several years. He pretty much knows this but b/c of the economy, my need to get back into the work force and some educational needs of one of my children, I am not doing so in a rush. I do not love my husband....and this affair did not CAUSE that. But it DID finalize the deal for me. SO the statistics about men only leaving 5% of the time and women pretty much being willing to bolt right away....well it's true....so prepare to hammer the final nail into your coffin where your marriage is concerned if you choose the path I did. I don't blame myself....but once I saw him....it was over for me.
I only shared my story for all those women out there who think that their relationship is special or different. I thought I was special and different too. But I am not. I am the cliche'. I am the 95% who watch him walk back into the arms of the most important woman in his life. I am the norm. I am what YOU should expect to be if you choose to do something like this. I am as dumb as the rest. Or I was. Not anymore and never again.
maybeme-
Hi again. Thanks for the kind words you posted a while back. And thanks for putting up with my self-pity rant.
I'm actually doing better. As I mentioned a few posts back I've been talking to a counselor about this whole EA situation and also a Rabbi. They both have been of tremendous help. I've also enlisted the help of a colleague I can trust to keep me in line and to hoist the whip (Lol) and he's been great as well. (Not to worry; he's of the same-gender orientation - NO attraction whatsoever between us here).
I think the conversation we (MM and I) had after work recently about our relationship is what prompted me to seek out someone objective to talk about this. I walked away a little panicky when, he (LESS than enthusiastically) told me there would "very probably" be a new position (Laboratory Technical Operations Manager) opening up after the first of the year, and the brass has him in mind to fill it. At the close came the clincher; he got a little exasperated telling me that his wife thought it would be great, so that they could 'get a bigger house with the increase in salary'.
I freaked. I told him congratulations. What else could I say? It didn't seem to make him feel any better though. I know he'll have to find a way to deal with the thorny issues he's having with his wife. I'm focusing on rearranging my own personal life to include spending more time with my relatives.
It has been a huge battle. But I think I can win. One day at a time. One laugh (at myself) at a time.
Hoping your time off is helping you. I've taken some scheduled days off as well; it's Chanukah week. I love it when my family gets together. It's therapy for me.
Again, thanks.
T.J.H.
Dave,
It's nice to hear from a man once in awhile. Especially when he admits to be in love with his OW. 18 Years was a good run, so you ought to be grateful for that. I understand you not being able to leave your wife, and I understand the other woman finally walking away.
I think a lot of men are in love with their OW, but can't leave their wife (for whatever reason). Too bad cause nobody wins.
The moral of the story: To all the OW out there: Don't expect the guy to divorce. And for the MM: Don't expect the OW to "wait" for you.
Thanks again, Dave, for your insight.
Hi Tara_in_NE
Its good that you are seeing and talking to someone to help you get through this. I think you are much deeper involved than I am involved in my case. It cant be easy for you, and I really hope you will be able to move on from this by keeping yourself busy, what better way than to spend more time with your family.
I think if I continue having contact with this MM, I will surely find myself in the same boat as you and I will develop strong feelings for him. Then I will have a tough time getting out of it. I am so grateful to have received all this advice at the beginning of my friendship with him rather than later when I would have been in too deep and when it would have turned into a full blown affair.
I have managed to distance myself from him. And I felt good about it, until I heard from him yesterday. I dont know what it is, why was I happy to hear from him? I didnt respond and felt bad about not even saying hallo. This is the only thing I can do. I cannot wait to go on holiday, as these last few days at work and so close to him is becoming really bad for me. I even tried to convince myself to see him once before I go away, and then when I come back to never even think about him again. How stupid am I???
Anyway, one day at a time..
All the best to you, be strong. :-)
Thanks also to wife with 2 children for all your kind words of encouragement.
AsDumnAsTheRest
I have tried ending it, but then he said all the right things and here I am again. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you didnt even want to be with him anymore but you couldnt let go... He, like your MM has never said he would leave his wife but I know for a fact he lies to me about her like he lies to her about me and even though I know this I cant let go... But I read your posts and It came to me... This is why you coldnt let go... "I finally realized....and it is why I am so afraid to let go.....that we will most likely....NEVER be together". It hit me... My Fear is to never see him again and all though I know it will be the best thing for eveybody involved.... I can't, I am so afraid of never seeing him again because i know we will never end up together. I also thought that our relationship was special and defferent...lol!!! I also thought he was my soulmate... Now, I think I'm starting to resent him. I did leave my husband thinking we would end up together one day and now I realized I made the bigest mistake of my life. My relationship with my husband was very bad for many years and meeting my MM just made it easy for me to leave. Now I know it was not worth loosing my family and my dignaty in exchange for so much pain and suffering because thats what it is... PAIN AND SUFFERING. Thats what an affair leaves you with. If I could just find the strength to leave and NEVER go back. Every time i try to end it, it's like he know what i want to talk about and just reals me in again and i just cant resist... I am so weak. Anyway, reading your posts gives me a bit of hope because where you were I find myself now....
I began seeing a man that told me he was seperated and filing for a divorce....we dated for over 6 months...and he even showed me copies of the divorce docs....imagine my surprise when I found out that he was still married and had been married before; 5 times to be exact, and had five children with the different women. Some of the children he had not even bothered to marry the mom. This last marriage was not even a year old....when he began seeing me. He felt no remorse about the cheating on his current wife because he stated that his current wife cheated with him when he was married to wife number 4!
Wife number 5 began to call me names and send angry emails to me....I couldnt be involved any longer in that mess, so I told the current wife everything! Everything he told me about her and her family, how I spent the holiday with him and his mother....how his mom knows me well and the children, and all the things he has purchased for me....and then I told her that her husband was trash, and she should run away from this man. They were only married for a year and have no children.....I wished her good luck...and gave her a sincere apology. No more weak sneaky married cheaters for me!
i am lost
I am currently involved in an emotional affair with a coworker for 4 months. He has been living with his partner for 5 years and has no children. I have been living with the father of my children for 14 years. We have not been intimate but have strong feelings for each other. His partner just found my phone number on his cell. She has been calling me but I dont answer, what shall I do?
Marge, you are in a position to walk away before it is too late. DO IT! Just walk away. I was in a similair position, but I managed to walk away before I could get hurt. He doesnt have feelings for you, he just wants sex! Give yourself some time away from him, then you will clearly see this. All the best!
I almost fell into an affair. Unsuspecting as I was initially, eventually I realized what was happening and was curious to see how far this guy would actually go... being married and all. I thought surely he would cease when he realized I was not going to relent. Well, as it turned out... I fell for the guy, and after months of being hit on, I relented. Guess what, by the time I relented, he wasn't interested!!! I'm still laughing about it and thanking God!
Marge-
I'm going by what you're telling me here, so here goes: I would NOT go any deeper with your coworker until you talk with someone you can trust, who is unbiased and impartial to your situtaiton. YOU TOO are committed. You didn't mention in your post whether or not you want to save your primary relationship. If you do, then I would sit down and have a frank discussion with your coworker and tell him that anything above and beyond a courteous professional relationship is NOT happening. If you don't feel that your primary relationship is worth saving, I still would NOT pursue anything with your paramour until you think though all aspects and scenarios of your new potential partnership first. You still have to work with him, even if you break up with your man and if he breaks up with his significant other. How would you deal with it if things went south? How would your kids deal with your breakup with your primary partner? These are things you have to think through.
Maybeme is right. Get out while the getting is good. There is no easy way to get out of an emotional affair with a coworker. I should know - I'm still in the process. But he and I have both mutually agreed that this was the best thing to do. It's tough. The feelings we have for each other haven't *poof* magically gone away, believe me. But living through the fallout from a physical affair would have been A LOT tougher. We both know that.
Whatever you do, DON'T engage your paramour's significant other in ANY way, shape, or form. No good will come from that. DO your job. Talk with someone you can trust. MAKE A DECISION. Act on it. Good luck.
JOSEPHDA:- don’t get me wrong, but I think your head over heels for an asshole. You said that your over him but the truth is sweetie, you’re not over him . If you were you wouldn’t be down in the lobby, lunch time waiting for him to pass by, to make conversations with him. You are involved with someone else, so why do you want to jeopardize what you have with some asshole who is already taken.
Firstly had he wanted to be with you, he would have leaved his COMMON-LAW relationship a long time ago. He has a chance to leave but he didn’t , his concern for you was a lie. All he ever cared about is his money, as far as I am concern. All the best to you. Livasti Bhooplall.
All of you, your MM tells you he loves you, you make him happy. Ladies sometimes, love is just not enough. Yes I understand he loves you, he needs you and wants you but he also loves his WIFE and kid and that love, that he has for them will run deep. If you have fallen in love with him, then you have everything to loss and nothing to gain. however MM has nothing to loss. He want you and he needs his WIFE. Ladies NEEDS and WANTS are different things, you’re only going to be a WANT and when a HUMAN being gets what he wants, he will move on to find a NEW WANT. The truth is he will NEVER leave his wife to be with you, why would he? He goes home to a family and he has a hot looking Chick on the side and that CHICK needs to make herself available, when MM gets the time for her. This is the time he steals, from his family just to be with you. ladies if MM ever leaves his WIFE for you, and it doesn’t works out with you , he will blame you all his life. Again he has nothing to lose by staying with his Wife and having you on the side. You have the strength to leave ladies you always do, it’s just that we are blinded by what we feel and what we feel is nothing more than passion and lust. No you don’t love him, don’t try convincing yourself differently , it’s not LOVE. Yes he tells you he LOVES you, but you will never be able to be with him because he is MARRIED. Think about it? He tells you the sweetest things, when he knows he is about to lose you. For some ladies, they only hear I LOVE YOU, when MM is drunk. I can only advise here , for I am not judgmental in anyway. Everybody has a life to live, just make it worthwhile. Thank you livasti.
Here's something I heard, and it totally makes sense, think about it:
"A woman will do anything for LOVE, even give sex. A man will do anything for SEX, even give love"...
At the end of the day, no matter how much LOVE and attention the MM gave you, he goes home to his wife. A MM starts off by choosing his prey, he gives you attention and spoils you, he sees how far he can get and hopes to get lucky. (I have many pathetic emails from the MM who hopes to "get it on" with me.. lol.. it's actually very funny!
Ladies, WALK AWAY, its soooo not worth the few minutes of physical pleasure!
:-)
Here's something I heard, and it totally makes sense, think about it:
"A woman will do anything for LOVE, even give sex. A man will do anything for SEX, even give love"...
At the end of the day, no matter how much LOVE and attention the MM gave you, he goes home to his wife. A MM starts off by choosing his prey, he gives you attention and spoils you, he sees how far he can get and hopes to get lucky. (I have many pathetic emails from the MM who hopes to "get it on" with me.. lol.. it's actually very funny!
Ladies, WALK AWAY, its soooo not worth the few minutes of physical pleasure!
:-)
Ladies, let me tell you something about being WITH a MM.
(1) When he leaves you, he will go home to his WIFE and his KID. When he does that you will feel like trash!
(2) You will be alone most of the time
(3) He will only call you when he is away from his family
(4) When he does call you, he has limited of time to speak to you , because he needs to get back to his family
(5) On the weekends he can’t call you, because guess what? He is busy with his family
(6) On the holidays, you will spend alone .
(7) When you’re not well, he will not be there for you. The most he will do is call you and tell you “hi baby, how are you feeling ? I hope you get better soon , take care of yourself and take your pills. Bye baby”
(8) When there is a death in your family the most he will do is call you and tell you” Baby you have my sympathy, don’t worry too much and bye baby”
(9) When one of your friend is getting married and you know all your school friends will be there. Guess what? You will have to attend that wedding alone.
(10) When you’re out with the girls having a few drinks and the girls are all talking about their GUY. You will have to stay quite or lie, because the truth is, you can’t tell the girls your with a MM.
(11) When you have one of your bad days and you want to see him, he will not be able to see you because, he promise WIFE he will take her shopping.
(12) You will not get to see him when you want to because he has commitments.
(13) When he has the time to see you , then is when you need to drop everything to make yourself available to him.
(14) You can’t be seen in public with him because he has a WIFE, who he will NOT LEAVE for you.
(15) You are always going to be a number to him BUT you’re never going to be NUMBER 1
(16) He will tell you he loves you but want he doesn’t tells you is that, he will not love you enough to leave his wife.
(17) One morning you may be dreaming of him and wakes up to reach for him but HE WILL NOT BE THERE, he will never be there .
(18) He will call you and tells you he misses you but what he doesn’t tells you is that , he misses the SEX
Ladies I can go on forever, I can give you a million reasons. You’re not one of his priority, your just something on the side, he thinks of his wife as his golden trophy but you he will think of has his sexy lady. The one he can have on the side and you will have to fulfill his fantasy. NOTE ladies, DON’T TRY to match it up with the wife. Letting go can be every hard but it’s up to you, weather you want to be treated with respect and you want a man to be his number 1 or you want to be treated like an wiping cloth. Whoever said that “it’s better to love , than ever to love at all “ but I can prove this wrong, when you are in this position and you feel the HURT and PAIN, one man can do to you, you will wish you have ever found LOVE.
@Dave
I own a house together with my MM. This IS his home. But, he still supports his wife and her house. I don't know if this would be possible for you. But it's worked for us. She gets the stability of having someone help with expenses. And he gets to be with me. He's happy, I'm happy, she's happy. It's works out pretty well. Good luck! :)
@A_Little_Different: Females like you make me sick. You sound like you're proud of your situation.
JustUnbelievable: Why do you sound so bitter? A little Different just said that everybody involved with the realtionship was happy. Sounds like a win-win to me.
@Pennylane: Because you and A_Little_Different share the same mindset. Trifling, no empathy, and no respect for yourself or other people's relationships, not necessarily in that order.
@Pennylane: Because you and A_Little_Different share the same mindset. Trifling, no empathy, no self-respect, and no respect for the wives and other people's relationships, not necessarily in that order.
@JustUnbelievable: I am proud of my relationship. If you have read any of my past posts you'd know that. I love my partner very much. Like any relationship it takes time, understanding, and respect for it to grow. When I started dating my partner he could only see me once in a while (The wife knew from the beginning btw they had an open relationship), but being with him part of the time meant more to me than being with someone else all of the time. HE was worth that. I appreciate how lucky I am that we now live together. I never once asked him to leave her, and I never will. EVER. As far as I'm concerned if everyone is happy, then why is it wrong? Not to mention he gets some very ended health benefits from staying married to her. And it's not like he's with me and telling her she has to be a nun. She can go out and see whomever she wants to anytime she wants too.
One of the main reasons I lurk here and post once in a while is to remind others that being different doesn't mean it's wrong. I think happiness comes far to rarely in life to put defined labels of the Right kind of Happiness and the Wrong kind of Happiness. It's ok to be a little different. Happy holidays everyone.
Hello everyone. I got involved with a guy I thought was single, then very cruelly I found out that he was married and they had a son together. I found out because the wife called me and told me very harshly that I was fucking her husband. To say that I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. He had lied and concealed his marriage for the entire duration of our relationship, and what is worse is that he had denied ever having children.
Unfortunately for me by the time I discovered this tower of lies, I was already pregnant with out son, which did not make the situation easy at all. I confronted him about the marriage, and he denied everything, and told me that she was crazy ass bitchy girl who refused to leave him alone, and because I was in love with him hook line and sinker, I took his word for it. To make an unpleasant long story shorter, when my parents informed his family about my pregnancy, his uncles told me that he is indeed married and has a son with his wife, and that he is by far the biggest womaniser and a pathological liar the world has ever seen.
When I asked him about this, he said that he was afraid to come clean, and it does not matter anyway because he loves me and not her, he is just with her for the sake of their son, and he does not want to hurt her and BLAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!. Yes we all know the excuses. I was devastated, and so hurt. It was one thing to be pregnant, but to be having a married man's child was disgusting in my opinion. I broke it off immediately and I changed my cell phone number, so that he could not call me any longer. Fortunately for me, he lives in a different state ( province), so I have minimal chances of running into him.
Coming to the decision to ditch him however was hard, because I still loved him, and even to this day I think I still love him, but there is no way I will ever allow myself to be the MISTRESS for any man. I am beautiful, articulate, and smart, and I deserve way way better than to play second base for some men, I don't care how much I love him.
I had our son, and he is not supportive at all, but I do not care, because my son is the only right thing that came out of that deceitful relationship. I have not talked or seen him for the last 2 years, he has tried to get my number, so he can connect with me again, but I have not and will not yield to that.
After some serious soul searching, I realised that I pitied his wife. You see ladies, when a man is having an affair with you, even more than you getting hurt, the person who will get hurt the most by the affairs is the wife. I at least could deal with the deceit, get over it and have now moved on with my life, and i could not be happier. The wife however has to deal with the everyday reality that she lives with an unfaithful husband, and is paranoid everyday wondering if he is out with another girl, AND THAT IS BONDAGE TO ME. You see sometimes we wish to be the wife he goes home to, and we miss the fact that the wife is far worse off than the mistress, because she is being kept in the dark, and more often than not these days, wives know their husbands are cheating on them, and choose to turn a blind eye instead, consoling themselves with "at least he comes home to me, or at least I am the one his family knows". That is no life to live. So I decided she can have him with all my prayers and best wishes. she can live with the deceit and the pain, and the lies, and not me.
Dear A little different
I feel so sorry for you. You are living a pipe dream honey. Your so called happiness will be nothing compared to the pain and the consequences you will suffer when your little castle of joy comes tumbling down.
Let me spell it out for you. He will cheat on you too, just like he did his wife. Notice I said WILL and not MIGHT. It is almost a certainty that he WILL cheat on you too.
Now unless you are fully aware and can accept that this will also happen to you, then I am afraid you are in for a VERY RUDE AWAKENING. You see what goes around always comes around. You think that his wife is happy and content with the way things are, honey, wake up and smell the coffee. No sane, stable woman can ever be happy and content knowing that her husband is with another woman. She is pretending to be happy because like so many other women who stay in unhealthy relationships, she is afraid to leave, she is insecure, so she has (like you)tried to justify the situation and tell herself that it is okay and acceptable as long as everyone is 'happy'. What you are in is a polygamous relationship, and in actual fact you are the second wife. I hope you will prepare yourself right now for the storm that is going to hit your so called 'happy'life, because there will be a storm dear, that I am certain of.
@unathi: I'm don't think he would just be with me 24/7 and never look/play with another person. Not only am I ok with that, I fully support him going out and playing. I even point out cute girls to him! lol. Not that it really matters but I even get to join him once in a while (I'm Bi). As I've said in my first post we have a Dom/sub relationship. This type of relationship DOESN'T work for everyone. But it works for us. And maybe that means I look at things differently. But that's ok. I think the "status quo" needs to be rattled sometimes. It's the only way for people to really stop and think.
All guys given the opportunity would cheat. And I'm sorry that's the truth. You could give your man a three course meal, chocolate lava cake, and wild sex every night, and guess what. If the opportunity to go have NSA sex with someone else arose he'd still do it.
It makes me happy when he can play, and I'm not just saying that. It really does. Because when he's done playing, guess who he comes home too. Me. And that's what I've been trying to explain to people. Who cares who does what with who. At the end of the day if the person you care about comes home to you. Be happy for the time you get with him. I've mentioned this, but if or when the time comes when he doesn't want me anymore that's ok too. Of course I will be sad. I love him very very much. But I will eventually get over it and move on like any relationship. And remember, I'm not saying it's ok for guys to go out, cheat, and lie to their significant other. I'm saying, that everyone should try to be a little more understanding and open about their needs.
@ unathi - BRAVO on your position and your actions! :) On behalf of many GOOD wives out there, I thank you for NOT being a homewrecker. I wish you and your baby boy many, many blessings.
I have been both the wife being cheated on and the OW. As the wife I felt betrayed but I knew something wasn't right with us. As the 'other woman' I honestly did not know I was the OW for 4 years. Yes, of course there were signs but I guess I ignored them, his presence came at a time I needed him. I had known him for decades we went to school together. I hadn't seen him in years and we met up at a function and became instantly close. I have boys and he has boys, his are grown mine are almost. I knew about his children's mother, the first wife. This second one makes no sense, they have no kids together, he is with me most of the time and she NEVER comes up in any of his conversations not even in side notes about him going home to an empty house, regulating the temp at his home or checking his messages. I know this is part of the grieving stage - denial but seriously this is difficult. He is an intricate part of my life he has keys to my home, my car. He interacts with my boys...WTF...this has got to be some type of sick joke...I don't know her name and have never seen her...he told me he was married after running into a friend of hers...Granted, I don't want a marriage, been there done that. I want a man who is committed to me not to me because of some paper contract....I don't want to let him go. Yes, I hear all of you angry wives who have been cheated on or who think you have the perfect marriage and we are the homewreckers, remember I have been where you are. But this really feels like what real love should feel like. We balance each other, encourage one another to do and be better. When I met him I was in the middle of a bankrupt. he helped me get back on my feet not by providing financial support but by teaching me to be responsible with my own finances,I now have a savings account that I built with my own money, he encouraged me to go back to school and because of his encouragement I will be recieving my BSBA in July. He helped me through some very emotional times and brings me joy. After my first and second husband I stopped believing in words and started trusting in actions. My MM only started telling me he loved me after he told me he was married before his actions spoke volumes. Yes the sex is great but I have had great sex, I love sex. Sex is not the ingredient here, our ingredient is mutual respect and care for the other person. I haven't asked him if he would leave her, honestly I don't want him to come and stay with me but I don't want him with her. He says he feels right when he is with me....I am at a lost, everything is still fresh, so please don't preach at me to leave him alone and walk away cause he will never leave his wife, a cheater always a cheater....I hear all the comments ringing in my ear...yes, even the ones about me being a homewrecker, a whore...Is there anyone who understands it's not my fault or my choice to fall in love with a married man....this is just they way it is...Wives did you choose to fall in love with him or did it just happen? How are you any different? Because you were first, Ok, I give you that but when you look at the chicken and the egg does it matter because both are equally important irregardless of who or what came first...My chest fills as if it will explode momentarily....
I have been in love with a married man for 19 years. When I met him, I was 12 and I knew it was just a crush. He was so handsome, charming, and funny. As time went on, I continued to have a crush on him and saw him frequently. (He was my dentist). I finally got married and my feeling for him disappeared. My marriage lasted 7 years. My husband did not want to be intimate with me, and I took it personally. I tried to go to counseling, but my husband didn't want to do that. Ironically the dentist's marriage was falling apart. I saw this as an opportunity. He was always flirtatious with me and I felt strong sexual tension. Well, like a dumbass, I opened the door and the past 2 and a half years have been wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. Our time together was how I always envisioned love, but at the end of the day he would go back to her. At first he told me that it was just for sex. That lasted 4 months. I ended it. Then he started it up again and told me he missed me, loved me, and never felt like this about anyone before. He said once we got caught, we would have to deal with it and then we could be together. Well we got caught. He still didn't mention any plans of leaving. I called him out on this in an email. He said he wanted to take a break. So...I haven't heard from him. All I asked for was an answer. Are you going to stay married or get divorced? Can someone tell me why a 50 year old can't answer a simple question? Why does he want a break? I know wifey is watching him like a hawk. Is he smoothing things over with her, and waiting to contact me when they rebuild their trust? All I want is an answer. I don't want to be told: You have your answer because you haven't hear from him. NO! I want to hear him say it. Another thing, it is NOT morally right. I am not attracted to married men. Something happened to me the 1st time I met this man. I prayed for the love to go away, but it NEVER did. Why? If it is so wrong to love a married man, then why have I had those feelings for years?
I have read all posts and am glad I have found this site as i need advice now.I am nearly 3 months in to my affair with a mm, we were together 12 years ago when we were both single but we were too young to settle down and i ended the relationship. I moved away and moved on with my life. I looked him up on facebook 3 months ago and sent him a hi stranger message, he responded straight away and said he needed to see me. He came round and we had a bottle of wine but the fireworks were still there, he then droped the bombshell, married with 2 kids. He said he got married cos he never thought he would see me again and he isnt in love with her, its always been me. I saw him a few times after that, we have not had sex even tho i want him bad. He text me, rang me all the time, came around and lo and behold i have fallen for him again. Now the tables have turned, im textin him all the time and he has gone cold on me. He says he cant leave cos of the kids and he is not strong enough. He says he will always love me and i am his soulmate. Am I confused. I know i should end it but i keep thinking we are meant to be,deep down i know he wont leave her but i feel like we have been given a second chance. I am single with no kids. We are both early thirties.
Done it, its over, my heart is ripped out
Electra, you say you need advice, but I think you answered your own questions..
You are single, no kids.. Lady, you have the world at your feet, why try and get a married man? You know he will not leave his wife, go on and get yourself a lovely single man who you can build a future with..
I was also struggling with the same thing, but I realised I am the second choice in his life... And I am not okay with that..
Get him out of your system, dont text and call him, you will be surprised to see if you keep yourself busy with other things, how quickly you will move on from this man..
All the best :-)
Thanks so much for the advice, am trying to cope but he keeps texting me and messing with my head, I am trying to be strong but i want him in my life, I know how wrong it is but I cant stop thinking about him. I ended it the other night and then he kept texting me until I replied and now he is blanking me again, well no more. I need to change my phone number and erase his.I feel like my heart has been ripped out, it hurts so much that he is carrying on like nothing happened at home with his wife when he has turned my life upside down.
I've been reading a lot of the stories on this page. One theme seems to run through these disasters. The people involved in these "affairs" (pretty word for truly hurtful conduct) are selfish and self-absorbed individuals whose "feelings" constitute the center of the universe, to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. If only adults operated under the basic rule of the playground that was in force when they were young: play fair. If adults did, affairs wouldn't take place. There's nothing fair about an affair, and nobody's "feelings" justify this ridiculous conduct by adults.
Electra, if changing your number is what it is going to take to stop all contact with him, then do it. But do not let yourself feel weak after some time and you start contacting him.
Make a decision to finally end it, then END IT firmly. Then allow yourself a few days to cry over him, feel sad, stay in bed, watch a few sad movies, but then move on. You have to get him out of your head and out of your system, so that is why I say take a few days to feel sad over this. After this, there is no turning back.
With the MM I got involved with, I never saved his number on my phone and I never memorised it and I always deleted all texts and calls from him so that I never had his number available to me when I felt most weak. I did this because it made me feel like such a loser to know I can text him at any time, but he will only reply when he can steal a few moments away from his family to say something to me. So I never kept his number.
Men are so clever, they are so good at making you feel that you are the one they want, they make you feel desired and then once you give into his sweet words, you are in love, he gets what he wanted: sex, and then when you get in too deep, he goes all quiet protecting his family and marriage, and you are left alone to deal with the emotions that you allowed to enter this affair.
I for one, never again want to feel as lonely as I felt when this MM was part of my life.
Good luck to you, you will be just fine :-)
Thanks Maybeme, I have done it, sent him a goodbye message and i am devastated but i am ready to move on with my life, thanks for all your advice and for being so understanding. The past few months have been lonely and painful but i am a strong person, no man is worth the pain, i may love him, but i love myself more, ill let you know how i get on, thanks again. xx
@ Kilcardy - I agree with you entirely. The unfortunate thing is, some people simply get "caught up". We can hate it all we want but it's true. No one can deny the devistation an affair could bring. That includes all parties. While some of the women involved with married men are pretty proud of themselves, there are others that are like some of the ladies even directly above me.
At the end of the day, Affairs are probably the most DESTRUCTIVE things in society.. I really wish people would stop and think things through before engaging in them.
@ Electra - you did exactly what you were supposed to do.... let Karma deal with that man. You will find someone who will give you the time and energy that you deserve..
Plus, once the guy gets divorce, he's going to want to see other women out there. Not leave a committed relationship to commit into another right away. I wouldn't.
WOW I have spent practically the last three days reading all these posts starting from three years ago... its very reassuring to see everyones stories and point of views regarding this difficult situation (to say the least)..
I have been involved with a MM for almost 8 months now (8 months too long) and i can definitely admit that I truly love him with all my heart.. I read someones comment about how women who get involved with MM are self conscience and commitment phobic – I believe this is true. I’m in my mid twenties, a girl who plenty of men would pursue (I have never struggled to get attention from the opposite sex) and when I met MM (it was at work, how typical) he sought after me until I caved and went on a date with him. It was my ideal situation - (I had a couple relationships in the past all of which ended badly and I was a commitment phoebe) he was rich, (one major reason I said yes to a date) and married. It was perfect – I could live my life accordingly as he would his own, we would get together have fun and that’s that. I mean I was very attracted to him both physically and liked his personality right away. It’s also nice that he moved me into my own apartment and pays for everything.
I looked at this as everything being to my benefit. I have a son (single mom) that’s two years old so its nice to know that he’s being taken care of (my MM has given me thousands and thousands of dollars that have gone into savings for my son and we started a trust fund so his college is already all set). Ok but anyway im getting off topic here so continuing on…
MM is an older guy –twenty years older than me to be precise, he has been married for 15 years to a beautiful women (that’s the only good I know of her because ive been to his house and saw pictures of her), and he has two children. When we first met he bluntly stated that he was HAPPILY married and had no plans to divorce, he was just looking for a girlfriend on the side (who would receive the perks of his wealth). I submitted to this without ever thinking I could develop any real feelings for him. And to all the wives out there reading this in disgust I DID feel guilty about being “the homewrecker” but I rationalized this simply by thinking that if I wasn’t going to be his girlfriend then another girl easily would.
So coming up to present day.. I see him basically every day for several hours (I no longer have a job and he makes his own hours). We do so much together, we have traveled about a dozen times already and we’re even going to spend valentines day together ?. We tell one another that we love eachother all the time and I truly feel it myself and I believe he feels it too. Its crazy to me that I fell so hard and fast for this MM and I never thought it would be like this..
Even though when we first met he said he was happily married it doesn’t seem like that. He says that his wife drinks a lot and is always so mean to him – calling him ugly and dumb and criticizing him as a parent. He claims they also don’t have sex because she doesn’t really like him. He even thinks she might know about him having a girlfriend on the side. This is just so mind boggling to me but he’s always been so honest to me from the get go – about everything.. so could what he’s saying to me be true?
We’ve talked about the future and what it holds for us. I have definitely heard the typical “just give me some time” speech but I still believe him. Is that completely insane?
I don’t know, im just so overwhelmed and so crazily in love with this man that I don’t know what to do. In my head I realize that what we’re doing here is wrong and before I invest more emotions into this relationship I should just walk away. My heart on the other hand does not want to let go of him and us as a couple. Ugh im just so frustrated with this all! Advice would be so very appreciated!
Hi frustration101
When I first came across this hub, I also spent hours reading all the posts and I come back regularly to read any new posts, as I feel it keeps me focused. I have managed to stay away from the MM in my life, but it hasnt always worked out great and I havent always been very strong, cause when you feel something for another person, it really is hard to let go.
I can hear from your words that you do love him. I feel a little sorry for you, as I think it is going to be really really tough for you to leave him. In my case I never loved him. It was only lust and attraction. But I am sure if love was involved, then I would have broken down.
The thing that really helped me, was to really quietly read the above posts. You can feel the pain of the wives, you can feel the loneliness of the other women, and you feel your own confusion. The truth still stands firm, affairs are not beneficial to anyone involved. He is spoiling you financially, he gives you attention and he makes you happy. He should really be giving all this to his wife and allow you to find a single man who wants to give you all these things too. Imagine receiving all of this without feeling guilty? Your relationship will be so much more rewarding.
I just always remind myself, I am his second choice, he has a wife who he will never leave. It is not worth it to even think of anything else.
I also have a child from a previous 11year relationship, and sitting on the carpet playing with my daughter this weekend taught me a very important lesson. I realised that I never want this for her future, I wouldnt want her to be a wife of some man who cheats and breaks her heart and I dont want her to ever be THE OTHER WOMAN. I keep myself busy with her and seeing her grow into this wonderful strong little girl, and I want the best for her, how can I be doing wrong things and pray for a good life for her?...
When receiving a text/call from your MM that he wants to come and see you, give yourself 5 minutes to think about it.. Just reflect on your own values and then the right decision for you will come automatically.
I know very well that an affair is ongoing struggle, emotionally. All the very best to you, I hope you make the right decisions for you and your son.
Take care :-)
Maybeme, thank you for the response - I really appreciate your thoughts on my particular situation (I know everyone is in a very similar boat). Believe it or not I have NEVER blogged in my life up until this. Its nice to be able to talk about such a sensitive subject to strangers and see feedback.
I hear what youre saying and if I could cut MM out of my life I would… I just feel as if I cant.. a few people posted things claiming that they feel their MM is like a drug, I soooo feel the exact same way. I think about him ALL the time, I want him all the time :( this sucks!
Quote from you Maybeme, “I just always remind myself, I am his second choice, he has a wife who he will never leave. It is not worth it to even think of anything else.” ..I already know how naïve and stupid Im about to sound – I really feel that he will leave his wife. I know in 99.9% of cases this never happens and its completely foolish to think otherwise but I have that feeling (maybe its because im so in love) that we were meant to be. I have always been an excellent evaluator of character and personality. I know these MMs are manipulative and have perfected their lies and deceptions – I know this.. but..(I can’t believe im saying this) … mine is different.
I feel that (and MM and I have talked about some of this) he has been married for so long (15 years) and unhappy with his marriage for so long (4-5 years) that it has become routine. He has kids and he just learned to live with the constant state of unhappiness in his marriage for their sake. Now that him and I have met he realizes he doesn’t want/have to be stuck in a loveless marriage. And when I say “loveless” I know that it is a loveless marriage because I hear it – he answers his phone if W calls and there’s NO emotion or feeling between them (its like the only reason they talk is because and about their kids). No “I love you” or “honey” – NOTHING! And it’s just normal for them. His marriage situation is as follows: he is the sole provider (works all day), comes home and has to do the cooking and cleaning and W doesn’t do anything. Why would she want to divorce?! She sits on her ass all day in a gorgeous, huge house and does nothing and doesn’t even have to F—him at the end of the day!). I guess I can’t even blame her for that (although I personally love our sex). I feel as if she wouldn’t care so much about a divorce as she would losing her luxurious lifestyle.
As I mentioned before MM and I have discussed our future together and we both clearly see one. We have a timeline, that I put in place (less than a year), and I feel confident. The kids, I feel, are the most difficult part in this situation, I don’t want anyone to be hurt in all of this but if someone is going to get hurt let it be anyone but the kids.
….i guess we’ll see how the cards play out (like I said I will remain positive for the time being), my fingers are crossed..
As for the other feedback from Maybeme in my previous post in regards to children and wanting them to do right in the future – of course of course I want nothing less from my son! I 100% agree that affairs are (and usually) life devastating and altering. I also feel that because I am actively involved in one that I have learned so much about life and what I want from it. I will always stay focused on raising my son properly and teach him the utmost respect and a good life moral (I know how hypocritical I sound right now, I swear I’m not a bad person).
Before I even met my MM I was convinced that I never wanted to get married or settle down with any man, I was going to fly solo my whole life. That is exactly why I started to date him because I still was able to have the freedom I’ve always wanted. I went out on dates before my MM came into my life but every guy was not the one and I was so disinterested. I feel that I have met my soulmate – if I broke it off with MM then I would be completely lost. No one can ever take his place and I honestly feel that if it’s not going to be him – then it just can’t be anyone else.
Am I being a complete fool? I like honesty (again how hypocritical) so anyone who has something to say please do. I dont care how harsh the feedback may be, Im a tough girl, I can handle it.
Wow. You hit the nail square on the head. When you mentioned yourself as being a commitment-phobe you didn't realize how right you are. Good God, I'm one too. A great majority of women who get caught up in these relationships are. I certainly don't want to remarry, as is the case of a lot of posters on this forum; but each of our reasons for that may be completely different from the other's.
All of the single men I have ever come across have made me painfully uncomfortable in one way or another. The man who I have had an emotional affair with (who is married with two kids) made me feel "safer" than I have felt in a long, long time. Took me a while to realize that I didn't fall in love with a man who happened to be married so much as falling for him PRECISELY because he IS married. I'm sensing this is what happened to you.
It's been hard working through these feelings in the aftermath of my EA, (you know; love, joy, anger, guilt, self-pity, etc.) but now I've approached the peaceful plain known as relief. You can get there, too if you can break free and give yourself a chance.
I DO envy his wife, but oddly enough now I'm hoping to high hell they DON'T split up. I don't think I could handle THAT eight hundred pound gorilla.
If you insist on continuing your relationship with your MM, I say be prepared to act on your resolve of leaving if the deadline on your timetable is up and he still hasn't budged. Plan your life for yourself totally devoid of him if it comes to that. Yes, you'll be alone for awhile but invariably good things happen to people who learn to live out their lives happily solo and appreciate their own company. Good Luck.
Hi, just thought would give you an update, been a hard day today, mm text me that he wishes he was back to when we first met, blah de blah and he misses me, have erased his number but knew it was him straight away, he then went on to say be happy blah de blah, he was obviously after a response but was really strong and ignored his text. Half an hour later he rang me but again I ignored his call. Am so proud of myself and luckily my best friend was with me or I think I may have cracked. I know I have to be strong and move on, thanks ladies for all your advice on here and for supporting me and for knowing that I am not a vile bitch, I am just a victim of circumstance. I will keep you posted but for now I am being strong in the knowledge that I will meet a single man more right for me than said mm. x
I have been a caregiver in a celibate marriage for years due to spousal disability. If given the chance to meet a professional woman in a similar circumstance I would probably have an affair with her. Would appreciate comments
Hi guys, had a really hard day yesterday, heard a song that reminded me of mm and cried for about 2 hours and sat moping around the house like a sad case. What gets me is why is it so hard to get over a mm, I think it must be the wanting what you cant have aspect to it, I think it is harder to get over a mm than a single guy because of this. Feel stronger today and pretty mad at myself for being such a basket case yesterday, just hope am goin get over him and not feel like this for the rest of my life. It hurts so much. Am just glad that I never had a sexual relationship with him, it would have been so much more complicated if i had, remember, I only saw him again because we have a history and now I wish he had stayed in my past.
I posted something a few weeks ago under confused. NOW, he tells me his wife knows everything about us, and he wants to protect me. Apparently his wife wants to ruin my career. Often times when I saw him in the past, we would have sex. When I have seen him the past 2 times, he did not try anything. He tells me to be patient and think positive and everything will work out. He told me he would send me an email soon. I have yet to hear from him. He claims to be on lock-down. My question is not will we end up together or does he love me. I am wondering if this guy is really done with me and doesn't have the balls to tell me. It would be interesting to hear a guy's opinion. I just wish this MM would tell me the truth. Why won't a guy say, "I am not going to leave my wife." I know guys don't want to hurt a girl's feelings or end the relationship (because they still want sex or something on the side, but this MM's behavior seems like he has chosen to end it. Is he screwing with my head? Before we got caught, he always wanted to see me. Is he trying to appease the wife until things calm down? Is he going to try and contact me again?
Hi Still Confused
Sounds like he is trying to end it softly with you.. He got caught, the wife might have said she will forgive him and maybe they are giving it another go to fix their marriage.. This is the perfect time for you to let go and move on..
It cant be easy for you, I am sure.. You must have so many questions.. But see this as your exit to your affair and all the best to you :-)
I just was told that my husband had an affair on me 4 years out of a 10 years married i we been separated for two years i left but when she called me to tell me the paul separated i went to get my husband back just to make his life terr ble until i get finish with him who ever wants him can have him im piss off right now i think he married me just to get a green card dirty dog...and no i didnt know he was a cheater this man has sex with her the way he has with me suck my feet lick my A#$ the same way he done her she share all this with me took her on vaction the same places we went too payed her bills and rent now she is having his baby ...im piss but still love him.
We dont have any kids together and dont want none my daughter dont like him when he got the house we use to own he let the house go into foreclose that's why i left him i from Ghana i wish this happen in the begining of our married i would of got him deported back ugh.
I just was told that my husband had an affair on me 4 years out of a 10 years married i we been separated for two years i left but when she called me to tell me the paul separated i went to get my husband back just to make his life terr ble until i get finish with him who ever wants him can have him im piss off right now i think he married me just to get a green card dirty dog...and no i didnt know he was a cheater this man has sex with her the way he has with me suck my feet lick my A#$ the same way he done her she share all this with me took her on vaction the same places we went too payed her bills and rent now she is having his baby ...im piss but still love him.
We dont have any kids together and dont want none my daughter dont like him when he got the house we use to own he let the house go into foreclose that's why i left him i from Ghana i wish this happen in the begining of our married i would of got him deported back ugh.
I have been having an affair with a colleague off and on for the past 18months. I have always Known he was married as we have worked together for many years and over that time have became quite close as friends ( we work together as a crisis response team so are constantly relying on each other in potentially dangerous situation). It started as a drunken mistake and afterwards we talked about it and both agreed that even though the attraction was there it wouldn't happen again. And for quite a few months it didn't. But the attraction was too strong and niether of us lasted. Both of us have tried to end it over the months but it feels so natural. I do not expect him to leave his wife and he has never said he will, even through their normal ups and downs I have thought about it and know that he loves his wife and she him. I am also under no delusions about their relationship, I hope that he is a good husband at home. I worry that I am slowly destroying him by making him lead a double life and want to end it but the pain is so great when I even think about it. I love him so much.
I was having an affair with my old college boyfriend for a year. We'd talk, laugh and have so much fun. He'd tell me things about his wife BUT even so I knew this was wrong. Then he got caught. She found all the text msgs and phone calls that we had shared. Now guess what he did? Blamed everything on me!! WTH! I later found out that just before we began this torrid love affair, that his ex-GF (a co-worker) was pregnant for him.. So long-story-short, he was playing all of us. His wife began to text and call me. She said that she was hurt. I vowed that I would not "sell him out". I didn't. But I tell you I let him have it all. I left hi for good... I also found out that he is one of those PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE men who always wants 2b the victim and never stands up nor take responsibility for his wrongs. Guess what else, when his wife found out about the other woman's pregnancy/birth as well as his affair with me, HE PROTECTED HER!!! By saying that she (his wife) was the only woman that he ever loved... So, again I knew it was all wrong and it was just a matter of time B4 it all came tumbling down & the truth was told. I tried to break it off several times but I' take him back. The cycle had to end and God helped me to rid myself of him for good.However, I have now repented to God for my wrongdoings and I feel free. He even went so far as to ask me to be his GF again...He** no I said!!! He is a coward and not to be trusted. So remember this one rule-of-thumb..."married men are just that: married". They will not commit, leave their families or be able to love and help you 100%. Don't get caught there.. cause trust me KARMA is real.... Keep the faith and ask God for your own man and truly NOT someone else s'.. 'Coveted not thy neighbors house'... STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED MEN!!! Please!!!
that's really dangerous!!!
My husband and I have been together for 18 years. In the last 2.5 years I was working overseas with our two young kids and nanny, my husband stayed here. He had an affair with a professional woman for 1.5 years, the OW is 55, my husband is a couple years younger than her and I am in my early 40s. We all have similar education background, I am from Asia but my husband and the OW are from England. After coming back from my oversea assignment, I found he was distant so I checked his cell phone and found out his affair. I was furious and got into a big arguement with him, he ended up spending a night in jail. After coming home the next day he told me he wants to be with me and two kids, he said his love towards me had been shattered and he wanted to be loved and give love when I wasn't around. I got some of their emails, he tried to breakup with her for 3 times but she begged him to come back to her. He even told her she is better off to find another man, he told her that he loves her but can't find a way to be with her. She did not let him go because she believed he loved her and she would be a better partner to him because they are similiar. He told her that I did not love him and it seemed at some stage of their relationship he planned to divorce me. She was frustrated and very insecure because he never told me about his affair, she pressured him to tell me but each time he pulled away from her.
I was in great pain for two months after finding out, he works in another State so he only came back for short stay every 2 to 3 weeks. We try to reconcile, it is just so hard on my side. He has not made love with me for a year, he said he will one day. I did not care too much about sex when we were apart, after finding out his affair I want to have that too. I am very frustrated and confused, why he could have sex with a woman so much older than me? I am still slim and pretty compared to her. He must feel bad as well, he told me I can take a lover if that would help me to move on.
I am confused with why he does not want to be with her any more, could it be kids and money? We have some money together and 40% of them are overseas under my name only, it would be hard for him to get half of his share. I don't know what to do now, take most of the money with two kids and make him to pay for child support or stay with him? I still want to be with him but afraid of being unhappy for the rest of my life, I am also concerned about our kids growing up without a normal family. Sometimes I think having an open relationship might be the best way to go for me, he claims he does not need other women but he is ok with me to be with another man until I fix myself.
It has been very difficult, emotionally I am drained by this affair. How should I move on?
Dear Cnfused wife
Confuse Wife:
I can say a lot of things to you, but I can’t say that I know how you feel, because that would be just wrong. Now I do know of the hurt you are feeling because I have felt the hurt when someone has betray you. Now from your story, it sounds to me that your husband did make a mistake, but you being overseas doesn’t give him the right to cheat. He made vows to you; he promised you until deaths do us apart. However we are all human and we are entitled to make mistakes, no matter how big or small. What I would advise you to do is take some time, figure out what you want to do with regards to your situation. The most I can tell you is “life is too short to live with a man that makes you unhappy”. If you think you can go on living with him, that fine too, but from what I have gathered from your story is that you are scared of living unhappy for the rest of your live. How that right there is saying something to you, it’s your life and you have to live it the way that makes you happy. “Even as you weep, hold on to your hope! Joy always springs up wherever seeds of hope are scattered.”
Dear Livati, thanks for your caring. I am trying to move on with my life by taking small steps each day - going to church, going to work, reading how other women deal with husbands' affairs, spending time with kids. I do still feel emptiness in my heart, I hope one day I will find peace and fullfillment within. What a lesson I learned from life, never thought this would happen in my life and never even imagined men are so different from women.
Dear Confuse wife;Women are stronger than they know it and it’s only when we are faced with situation, that’s when we know how strong we really are. What I can tell you is “if you can get through this, then any other thing that life throws at you, you will be able to face it. Life can sometimes be hard, but you know what? God never promised us a happy life. With time the emptiness that you feel will go away, and with time, you will find your way. Try to let go of the near pass and look towards your future. “It’s hard to believe, but time will take this hurt and turn it into healing.” What you’re doing is good and you should continue to take little tiny steps until you are ready to move on.
To all the hopefulls out there would just like to say you are kidding yourselves, there are no happy endings, my last post was 4 weeks ago, since then i have seen my mm and we got physical, he told me he was going to leave his wife and we started making plans, I was so happy, I thought my dreams were coming true. Then his wife found out, he admitted everything and had a way out of his marriage. Did he leave, no, he bottled it and is still living in his sham marriage, that was a week ago and I have made the break, he had a chance to leave and he didnt choose me, he chose to stay with his wife, so that tells me married men are nothing more than players with commitments. Get out while you can. One night last week the pain was so bad I thought i might not survive but i did and a week on im a stronger person for it. He has text me since saying he misses me but i know better, he will not ever EVER leave his wife for me so I am better off single and alone than as a second choice. Get out while you can ladies whatever the circumstances, dont get your heart ripped out like I have.
what can I say, I left my husband for my man 11 years ago, he went back to his wife after one day, but I believed his lies and stayed with him, he had to be there for his children (one who is autistic), did I mention that he was married to his cousin, his brother beat me up and I still stayed, the problem I have is I have not seen him now for years, but I cannot seem to let go even though I know I have to, I have just had major surgery and am feeling pretty down and who do I want to talk to? You guessed it, what a fool I am the only advice I can give if a married man asks you don't do it, they are liars, cheats and when the chips are down they will not be there for you, I've learnt my lesson.
Am right there with you Annie, we have to stay strong.
Okay so there are currently two guys in my life right now whom I really care about. They both have there.. issues though. The first guy I've known for a few months now and we see each other everyday and have really gotten to know and have feelings for one another. He's been with his girlfriend for about 2 years now and doesn't talk about her much but when he does, it's always about her being too needy and depressed. He doesn't like sex much anymore because I guess she always wants it and when he doesn't feel like it, she'll get really upset and go on about how he must not love her or want her anymore. He makes it sound like he is miserable and is just staying with her because he doesn't want her to be hurt.
We've talked about possibly getting together because we've agreed that our feelings for one another cannot be ignored. I never thought it would happen, but we recently slept together. I feel horrible for doing it. I've been cheated on in one of my past relationships and I know how much it hurt me. I've become what I hate for him.
He says he really cares about me and he doesn't regret sleeping with me because it's what he wanted. He's also said that he likes me a lot and if he were single, he'd be dating me right now. He's never going to tell his girl friend that he cheated because although he really likes me, he still loves her.
The other guy in my life has been an on again off again boy friend for almost two years. He's helped me get through the painful break-up of my last ex. He understands me and knows just what to say to make me feel better. He's had his own problems and I think that is why we get along so well. We dated for a year and a bit but then took a break, got back together and then broke up for 3 months. In December, we started talking again and everything has been really complicated. I don't really know what we are.. it's kind of like "friends with benefits" I guess you could say. The night before I slept with the guy I mentioned above, he called me and basically said that he wanted to be with me and that he really cared about me. I didn't believe him and that's part of why I gave in to the guy who has the girl friend. I believed that he cared about me; that he wanted to be with me.. I'm kind of naive that way.
Anyway, so I felt that I should be straight with my on again off again guy... I told him that I had slept with another guy. He's really disappointed about the whole thing. (the reason we broke up before hand, was because he didn't like me hanging out with my guy friends & he would get really jealous and threaten them if they talked to me) He decided to give me a choice. If I want to be with him, there is a number of things that I can and cannot do. I am somewhat of a free spirit and so being the submissive one would be extremely difficult for me. I also feel that both people should be equal in a relationship. I don't know what to do..
Should I wait for the guy that says he cares about me and who I care about but has a girl friend who he doesn't want to leave right now?
Should I commit to being in a relationship with the guy who knows me pretty well but who has a bunch of rules I need to follow or it's over?
Or should I take my chances and see if there is someone better out there who isn't just interested in drinking, sex, and drugs?
Please help! I need all the advise I can get!
Thanks
Hi Needing some advice please,
I would advise for you to start fresh without either of them. You will find a suitable man that is right for you. Its simple, the one has a girlfriend, if he wanted to be with you he would have left her a long time ago (he's not even married, so if he was serious about leaving her it could have been easier than for a married man to walk away). So there already I think he is a liar.
The other guy, you need to look at which "rules" there are, or can you change your mindset to look at it as compromise rather than following rules? If your free spirit still feels locked up with this man, then you should leave him too and find someone who can understand and love you for who you are.
So in short, my advice would be to leave the one with the girlfriend completely. Try working things out with the second guy, and if you feel you are not happy, then move on.
:-) All the best to you
my first everything!!! We dated for over 2 years then we broke up and he started dating his current wife. We both went our different ways, but we still both talked to mutual friends and knew about each other over the years. Anyways we started off just texting, emailing and talking on the phone. We decided to meet for drinks about 4 months after we ran into each other. Meeting up to catch up was nice and he mentioned he was quite unhappy, but his public career wouldn't allow for him to leave without detroying his career. He doesn't talk bad about his wife ever he just says he is not in love with her anymore. We continued to message each other over the next 6 months just as friends. Are messages became very flirty and somewhat sexual then about a month ago he started messaging me all day and telling me how much his wants me and so on. We decided to meet up for lunch and then made another date for that same week ...we ended up having sex and it was amazing just like it was before it brought back feeling...we have texted back and forth over the last week but nothing like before and now I'm feeling hurt and used- his brother and I have kept in touch over fb and he came to visit and asked me to go out as friends in a group. We didn't ended up hanging out because my ex bf his brother became upset about us hanging out. Well its now been two days and I haven't heard from him at all. I definitely will not contact him first but I'm really upset and hurt.
Way to go! About time someone told these stupid bints what the truth is. I am the cheated-on wife.
He told her I was dependent--he was unemployed. He told her I didn't have time for him. I was working two jobs, so we could live. He told her I was cold and distant from him. He was online chatting with her for hours day and night and when I spoke to him or came up to him unexpectedly, he'd scream at me to leave him alone. What's the likelihood I'm going to be warm and fuzzy? And of course, he told her she was perfect -- to her face. To me, when I caught him, he told me she had the body of a 60 year old, even though she was only 45. He said she had the ugliest breasts he had ever seen, though I know he praised them to the skies in order to get her to flop them out on webcam.
So you see, stupids? WE are the ones you should feel sad for, because we have to hire lawyers to get rid of these losers. You're lucky. Just get up and walk away.
You'd better think hard about who you want to hook up with. You'd be better off alone for the rest of your life than you would be with this jerk. And trust me, once you're the ball-and-chain, his patterns will come into play with YOU as the wife.
I just ended a fling with a MM that was heading into an affair. He was my friend and pursued me. It is/was not easy but know the pain could be a lot worse down the road. Plus, I do believe in karma and doing the right thing. I am hurt right now but would rather feel this way for awhile than inflicting pain on anyone else. It's not easy to do the right thing.
If you decide to be a stay at home mom (which means nothing to me) and you bring in NO income, and you depend on your "so called" great husband....and he cheats on you.....GUESS WHAT? 9 times out of ten....he is with a professional career woman who WORKS and earns money. Time to get a real job women.....staying at home is setting yourselves up for failure.
Ms Strong?????? HUH???? What do you mean? Are you saying if you decide to be a stay-at-home-mom your husband will cheat on you?? What the hell?
I have been the other woman (I have ended it and made peace with myself about the affair), but I cannot agree with what you just said.
I just got back together with my ex (my daughter's father) and we are planning to get married this year. We are also planning another baby after the wedding and then I will stay at home to take care of my family. I am 100% committed in making my future husband happy and to keep him happy. I know you are probably thinking that I have no right to expect my future husband not to cheat, since I have allowed another married man to cheat on his wife with me (the karma theory), but like I said, I have made peace with my mistakes and I have learnt alot! And yes, no matter what I have done in the past, I very much hope and pray my future husband will not cheat on me. Whether I work or not. A working woman will not be any more attractive to my husband than me as a stay-at-home-mom.
There are many reasons why women decide to be stay-at-home-moms and if a family can afford to do so financially, then why not. She doesnt have to earn a salary to keep her husband interested in her.
When I was still the other woman, I blamed all the wives for not keeping their men satisfied and I came up with all different justifications to make myself feel better, but I think your post is the most nonsense reason out of all. Sorry, just my opinion.
:-)
He told me he was single. We had sex six months later. I did a background check to find he was married. I should have done that before sex... He lies... He says that he cannot repair his marriage and to give him less than one year. I can't take this. I drive by to see if I see his car outside their house... When I do, I get mad... For what??? He has a wife. I really want to believe him when he says that he loves me. I can see it in his eyes... This is difficult. I need to stop
Here's an interesting yet traumatic story for all of you.
I've just finished reading all of the posts here, now I'd like to share my story.
8 yrs ago I was a single mama- 2 beautiful boys..I'd been single for a few years and decided to join in on the yahoo/msn messenger crowd.. A few months in I began talking to a guy, he seemed to be everything I was looking for- kind,funny, warm hearted, honest, loving.. could carry good conversation and he was a "single dad" separated for almost a year from his wife.
So we chat away and talk on the phone, email and webcam it for about 6 months. Then we decided it was time to meet to see where things would lead. He travelled the 10 hrs to see me for a weekend. It was in one word "amazing" when it came time for him to head out it was hard.. So we continued, then he showed up at my house about a month later, I was surprised and elated, wow! I thought. He said he couldn't stay away and was going to stay for a week. We spent some wonderful time together, his friends and brother even came out to visit and to meet me. Then he had to get back- work and such you know..
Fast forward 2 months and we'd been talking and decided we'd see how it went if he was to move in..We discussed his children, and how it would all work out and decided he would be picking them up for visits and so on..he told me he'd given his ex my number in case of emergency with the kids and so they could call him if they wanted to.
So he came out..was at my house 2 days when the phone rang- it was his ex asking for him as one of his daughters wanted to talk to him..when he was done on the phone he looked upset..I said is it the kids, do they need you? yes, he said..I looked at him and said GO, those are your kids, I'll be here.
He left and then came back a couple of weeks later, we had contact the whole time..when he returned he got a job..things were going really really well and then a week later I receive an email. From his ex- she was talking about the kids- how could I take their father away from them? Telling me things about him and on and on.. I talked to my guy about it and he just said he would call her and left to take a walk. I didn't sleep very well that night.
In the morning I went to work, with a really strange feeling..When I arrived home I came in the door and went straight up to my room. All of his things were gone, everything. The house key left on the bed, he was gone.
When I looked on my computer I had several emails- from?? HIS WIFE, she told me everything. He was very much NOT separated at all and never was... and living with her, still sleeping with her when he was going back and forth, he told her about me from the get go, after the first weekend he spent with me..she knew all about me, and was aware of everything he was doing. I was stunned, I had actually never once thought that he was lying to me about anything. In fact he had no drivers license and they were on welfare..I was devastated. She called me several names, I just sat there for a long time. Then I went to the phone and called her. I calmly told her that her husband was on his way- I also apologized for everything she had gone through and did tell her that I was absolutely unaware, that he was a first class liar and I'd fallen for it all.. Then I cried for a really really long time.. This awesome perfect guy that I was so in love with and thought I knew..This guy who had met my family..the brother of his I had met who kept his secret..ALL LIES, lies, lies and more lies. I honestly had no bloody idea he was not separated, had no idea he was living with his wife and very much in a marriage. I beat myself up for a long time.
I even received horrible emails from the wife calling me every name in the book and threatening me and my kids. Then the last straw, I received an email from his wife a couple of months later telling me that he had passed away in her arms of aids..it was very detailed and horrible.
I started shaking and sobbing and had my friend call his mother to ask her what the hell was going on..I couldn't speak. She said that her son had absolutely not passed away and she was absolutely disgusted that anyone would say so.I went through alot, she knew all about me the entire time and I knew nothing about her. So many things went through my head. The whole situation threw me into a nervous breakdown.
I ended up meeting a wonderful guy and we became friends first-and he was single like me! Thank god.. he lived in the same town as me. We've been together now for 6 yrs. I have issues with trust to this day, my story seems a little different, but it shows you how married men lie, stay the hell away- that's my advice. There are plenty of single men out there just waiting..
I am a married woman and my husband cheated on me 2 years ago. Since then he had said that the affair had ended but i caught him talking to her on the phone about 3 weeks back. He says that she is the one that keeps calling her. I am confused, i love my husband and he is a wonderful father to our five daughters, but i do not want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I worry that if i stay with him because of our mortgage and our children, i will end up unhappy because i fear that the cheating will continue.
All I can say is wow!!!! I met a man 11 months ago and fell head over heels in love. I found out after the first 6 months that he was married. I gave him an ultimatum and told him if he didn't leave, I was done. Well, guess what..... he promised, lied and manipulated me into believing it was all about the financial issues but he was going to deal with it and that I was the only one. He did spend lots of time, weekends, trips, etc. with me and always answered his phone each time I called or texted. I was certain he was being honest about the "living arrangement" with his wife. I started watching his phone and memorized a number of one of the calls he received on Valentine's Day. I called it and found out it was a woman that didn't know he was married and had been engaged to him for 4 years. I was floored but still fell into his trap of explanations. Me and the "fiance" got together, became the best of friends and compared all of our notes and decided that we had been conned, manipulated and our lives were on the way to being destroyed. The bottom line is, he is married. That should have been enough to walk away. I am very sorry for dating him and being involved for the period I was. I pray that he finds Jesus and that God forgives me for all I've done. I hope anyone out there can find the strength to end the same types of affairs. It's not healthy, good or right.
Well, I confronted a man I have been seeing on and off for over a year because I felt he was keeping something from me. I asked him if he is married, separated, in a long-term engagement, or something. He neither admitted nor denied anything, muttered something not credible or intelligible, and finally said that he and this woman have not been intimate for 20 years and there is nothing going on so get over it. And proceeded to scold me and say that I was delusional...
I don't get it, he is not with me for sex, I refused to give that to him over a year ago, after we did a few times and I believed I had a miscarriage. And I can't be friends with someone I feel lied to me.
I feel like such a fool, he says he will call me again, but I need to move on. At least most of the other men on this forum told the truth. What a jerk this guy is. How can he not be married to this woman, she has the key to his house and came in one day when I was there and he went out shopping.
I feel compelled to write on this and I have never written online before. Please to all the woman involved with a mm..RUN LIKE HELL.
Sorry pressed enter too soon. Like I was saying..if involved with a MM RUN LIKE HELL. I had a 7 year relationship with a MM..I now have a 3 year old and a 6 month old with him. Well he wasn't actually married but that is besides the point..he was close enough with her for 13 years and 2 kids. It will DESTROY your self-esteem. It will leave you feeling lonely and guilty. You will spend most if not all holidays, birthdays, even your own anniversary ALONE. I KNOW you love him. I KNOW what it feels like to truely believe you are in love. You WILL heal if you leave him. It WILL take time. I am just now understanding the ramifications of my behavior. I knew all along I was wrong and did it anyway because I wanted so very badly to BELIEVE him and all his lies and empty promises. I was the text book mistrees with the text book MM. And I will get what I deserve. If "K" is out there she is the one who inspired me to write this. She said "MM are always about them". That is correct. I hurt my children in doing this..DAMN ME. I kept them a secret to protect him. His GF ended up kicking him out anyway but not because of me..because of another woman. By now nothing shocks me. I was desynthesized to his BS because I let it go on for so long and wanted to believe my own lies. Why shouldn't I? I had done so much wrong I had to rationalize my horrid actions somehow. My supidity had to have meaning. Otherwise how could I live with myself, right? Well the truth is I can't. I have hurt my children that won't have a father and their children if not directly than indirectly so. My mistakes have hurt all around me and now I have to forgive the piece of crap I was being and make myself a better person to move on. And that is hard. I would say having to face myself is harder than having to let him go. And trust me I have been there..never thought or wanted it to end, not knowing if I could live without him, thinking he was the one. I filed for child support last week. He threatened to kill me if I did and in the same breath said he would never really do that he loved me he is just scared. Well now I am the one scared. And not even as much because of him as because of me. I have to face what I did every day and will have to face it with my children when they are old enough to ask about their father. I know some of you are saying to yourselves "thats not me, I don't have children for my MM, I can still love him". Yes, you can. But you will still have to face yourself in the end..and there will be an end. Good luck and God speed.
Ladies, I agree, if you are in a relationship with a MM, all I can says is "Run Forest Run". You will ruin yourself, your self esteem, your trust in other men, and your life.
I was in a relationship with a MM May 1st would have been 2 years. During this time, we saw each other at least 4 hours out of each day if not more (yes we work together). We went out of town at least 3 times for 3 days each time. He wined and dined me we went to lunch 3-4 times a week, we went out 3-4 times a week after work until I got to the point I was attached to him, and felt I could not live without him. He said all the things I wanted to hear. I was the most amazing woman he has ever met, I complete him, we are meant for each other and the mother lode "I was right, when I met you I died and went to heaven being with you is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life." Each time we came back from a trip together he was going to leave his wife. He would go home and tell her but would not leave, there were always some sort of excuse, first it was the money, then it was the kids, and I was always told, if you think I am staying because I love her, you are nuts, I can't stand her, I pray every night she would just die. I can't stand her voice, we have nothing in common, I never wanted to get married to her in the first place, but here he is 31 years, going on 32 years in May married to this woman, he literally cannot stand. (uh-huh) so after each time he would break it off with me. We always got back together, the time away from him was the worst time of my life, I didn't know how I was going to go on, what I would do without him in my life, completely and totally controlled, and attached to him. (that is what they do ladies, they are players and they know exactly what to do, and what to say. I swear they read these blogs and find just the right words to use on woman) because we fall for them each and every time. During the 2 years, we, I mean he broke it off 14 times, sometimes he would call me, sometimes I would call him and totally beg him not to leave me. I use to be this woman who when my ex husband left me for another woman, I was strong, in control of my life and supported and cared for 2 young boys who are now men. I had it all that was until I met him and he knocked my socks off, I was not looking nor prepared for what was coming my way. I am re- married to, and although it was not all because of him, I too left my husband whom I was not happy with for a long time. I thought if I left, he would see that it can be done and he would feel better about leaving. Well the day I left, he called me to tell me he just can't do it. That was in Nov, in Dec, we got back together, he was going to leave, he told her and on New Years Eve day then he spent it with me he was leaving the next day. He went home that night and yep you guessed it, I got the text New Years day, he could not do it. I told him to leave me along, we did not speak for 2 months, he went on a cruise with wife and I am sure re-kindled their marriage. we got back in touch with each other in March, I was going to Arizona and let him know, he knew if I went it meant I was job hunting and going to move, we got back together the day before I left, talked the entire time I was there 8 days. He picked me up from the airport and told me he was going to get a place and did I want to hang with him that day. I said yes, he did get a place, but then also spent the next 4 days with me and my sons at my condo. Yep, you guessed it, he had to go home on a Friday and I knew something was up. He decided he couldn't do it, he came back on Saturday packed all his clothes and left me yet again to go back home to this woman, he cannot stand. a week went by and I contacted him and begged him, I told him, I would do anything I never not once asked him to leave his family, I was fine the way things were, we got back together, and a week later she found the texts. (pretty ironic for almost2 years, she never not once looked at his phone but this one morning she did) He told her he loved me and was going to be with me. yep, he left yet again, came to my place and we went out that day and had lunch, this was the first day after being together almost 2 years I realized he lied to me, I caught him in a bold face lie, and he came clean but got all weird on me, we went to a hotel (our staple each and every time we got together. always sex) he went home again that night and yep you guessed it again. He met me the next morning, at the hotel room and told me he couldn't do, that he loved her. I am like what? who are you kidding? we talked it all out, and I asked him if he is prepared to deal with what he now has to deal with, she will never trust him again, he told her we work together, and I had kids and he was not going to get married again, or maybe he would, he told her he would take care of my sons and he would be moving out, then that same very night goes back home and tells her he is staying.... He stood up from the bed, and said this is not right, I am leaving, he walked out of my life again, turned his back on me, walked out the door, got in his truck and drove off, and never not once looked back. I have lived the past 2 years thinking I will never get over him, how am I going to live without him, what am I going to do now? all the same questions I see on this post. (I have been reading it for 8 months but could never write before. I am writing now to let you all know, you can do it. You can walk away from him, and your life will go on, you will continue to breathe every single day. and it does get better, I want nothing to do with this liar, cheat, snake, (yes, all the things I am too) I have forgiven myself as I was played like the world's favorite violin. I never want to see him again, never want to speak to him again, and the thing that does it, is how I told him the night before, baby, you told her you loved me, there is no going back when someone tells the other person they are in love with someone else, you just can't go back. and what words did he use on me the very next day? yep, the "I guess I do love her, what else could it possibly be"? DO NOT BELIEVE IN THEIR LIES, do yourself and read these blogs over and over again and daily, weekly if you have to you will see the similarities in all the stories and the words they use on you. It is all a game to them, the game of manipulation and sex and when they are done with you, they are done with you and they go crawling back to their wives with their tail between their legs. I am so sorry what I did to his wife. I am so sorry, I cried my eyes out for the pain I caused her, I am over the pain now. Who am I to feel pain over the loss of someone else's husband. SHAME ON ME. SHAME ON HIM. but not shame on the wife who is at home taking care of their sorry asses day after day. Sorry this is so long, I could go on with stories of the past two years that would make your skin crawl. but really what is the sense. We are all stronger than we think we are. I heard this and it has totally changed me as a person. "We treat others how to treat us". think about this. ...... We sure do..... From now on, I deserve to be number 1 not number 2 to anybody especially a liar, cheat MM.
PLEASE HELP ME! I posted here 6 months ago and found my way back to myself. I was totally miserable and found my way to recovery and happiness. I terminated all contact with the MM I was involved with and sent him love and light with the decision to be a good father and husband. I proceeded to find my own happiness and didn't contact him AT ALL!
7 months post split he begins to come around again. "I miss our time together, your love, your friendship..." I have done really well in the recovery of the wake of destruction of this person. I don't think I will ever stop loving him as we have been friends for 11 years and involved while he was divorcing until he returned to his wife and family. I thought of him often but respected the distance. I don't understand. I followed the rules, I was good and now I am being tortured by this man. I didn't ask him to show up at my house, he did. His texts and all were so sweet, I was very terse and rude. He still tries and it is wearing me down. He is fully aware that I am a loyal person who loves him...I am really struggling. Cindty, you helped me in the past please help me now I am really struggling and amazed that this person still has this effect on me. I haven't done anything i would regret, but I am getting weak and even though I ask he won't stop. I am literally sliding here and don't know how far I am from that cliff of despair! Why would he do this. He and I have been through for months!?!?
Hurting so badly....
He is a liar, just keep reminding yourself, he walked out on you and went back to his wife and family. Every time I think of my MM, I just remember sitting in the hotel room after he just told his wife he loved me and was going to be with me, and within 24 hours he told me he loved her and was not leaving. I remember him walking out on me, and saying this isn't right, he turned his back on me, got in his truck, backed up, and drove away back home to his family, leaving me sitting there crying and getting my emotions in check so I could leave and drive back to my own home without him yet again. He did this 14 times to me. How many times do we need to be body slammed against a wall to realize we were just being used. I know I state he left me, as if I was something to him, but that is what they do, they feed off us and make us think we are their life, when in reality, we are their fantasy. If you can remember a situation that he put you through, think of it in the most negative feeling you can, it helps you get past the feeling you now have. Just remember he walked out on you 7 months ago, now he thinks he can just walk back into your life? He will just walk out again after he has his way with you. They are liars, and only think of themselves. I am sure he is missing you, he is back in his marriage that is not so great at times, if it were he never would have hooked up with you in the first place, eventually he will start to feel as he cannot do it anymore and go back to his family again. Plus he really said it, he misses your friendship. that is all he thinks of you as, a friend for his own benefit. he was divorcing and even went back to his family. He is exactly where he wants to be....with his family. Do not answer your door, do not respond to his texts. he is no good. Remember..... We teach people how to treat us...... you let him back in, it will teach him you will always be there to be used, he can do whatever he wants and you will be there....Tell him show me the papers then we will talk. I hope this helps you, it may sound harsh, but it is what has helped me, for 2 years, I was a basket case, couldn't function, was paralyzed, didn't go to work, I let him totally and completely control my life. this last time, when he walked out, I was devastated yet again, but I look at it like I explained above, it may be harsh, but it has gotten me through it, and pretty much over it. Remember too.... the first time someone shows you who they are.... believe them. I went on line and looked at quotes like the one I just said, I put post it notes all over my computer so every single day I would read them, it helps , at least it helped me to get my self-esteem back, I have had a few weeks now, where for the first time in 2 years I have not shed one tear for him. do I think about him? I will admit, yes, but I view it from a 10,000 feet above now, and see it/him for what it really was and what it did to me. We are much better than that.
in love with mm who loves me back...the sama scenario like all the ones i read on the blog. can samebody tell me why is it so hard 4 mm's to devorce their wives??? i constantly read that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. so why the hell is it so difficult to get 1 for the women you have been waiting for all your life. im 25, he's 18 years older. two kids. works for the whole day, spends up to 6 hours with me every night (from 10 to 4). what the hell is his wife's problem. does she really not know? what does she get from him, a father and a husban who's never home, but she still cooks for him and washes his clothes....would't it be so much better to have alimentation and not have a man like that. why is she staying with him?
we've been dating for only 3 months, and im so fed up of being second. he asks me what i'd like, but i don't want to say ot out laud to him. yes, i want him to get a divorce, but i don't think that is my choice to make or suggest, i think he should be the one to propose that. from all other posts, i very much doubt that is gling to happen. i dont talk to him about his marriage, i pretend that, as he calls it, circumstance, doesn't exsist. can someone explan why both man and woman stay in bad marriages for the sake of just having one. i mean, if your naighbours see you getting home at 4 am avery day of the week, you sleep in seperate room, away from your wife, and she is reckless enough to be awake or care enough to prevent it....than why? and the kids, come-on! how much of an idiot can a 15 year old child be not to notice what is going on, or what excuse can you have for never being home?
If your friendship with a MM start to heat up, better leave now than later. How to notice? He begins to express feelings and share things that should be ment for his wife. These "relationship" becomes an addiction and with time, you get more and more involved as a mistress and is harder to break the affair. The man also gets more and more confused or doesn't even care since he's playing. I almost fall in an affair with someone I knew all my life, but managed to avoid it. Here are some pieces of advice that helped me:
1) Detect signals on time and put an end to this before it becomes an affair. If it became one, end it as well. Men go as far as the woman allows them to go. Avoid being alone with him take distance, at first you may find this hard but then everything returns back to normal sooner or later.
2) You are not in a relationship. In a relationship you get the whole of a person and not the fragments.
3) A mistress gets the leftovers and the wife the main dish, and that is the way things are. A mistress cannot claim for ANYTHING. There's no commitment here.
4) The guy seeking you is the one who has issues in his marriage to solve, every marriage has ups and downs. Don't become part of his puzzle. If the guy is a lifetime friend (as in my case) cool your head and push down your feelings and advise him to talk to his wife or seek a marriage counselor. This is harsh and he might get angry, but you have to protect your heart. Dont fool yourself. This is no longer the friendship it used to be.
5) If the man appreciates your friendship, he will understand. No one asks for these feelings to arrive and sometimes men mean no harm in these situations but they are harmful anyway. Think about the wife! No one likes to be lied and cheated to! She might really be the most selfish, dominating, and unattentive woman in the world but he is still married to her and as long as he remains there, there is a reason for it. He might not be very unhappy at all.
6) Don't EVER tell the man to divorce. That is a decision he must take by himself. A true man is someone who is brave and confronts his fears. If he truly wants a change in his life he must take the action without you warming up and confusing his head even more! He might end his marriage because of you, but he will look back to what he has left behind and feel guilty EVERY TIME. And, probably he will cheat on you later on when problems arise.
7) We must find happiness by OURSELVES, then we can share it with others. We must seek it by personal decision and change the way of our life without intervention from others. Girls: Love and respect yourselves and don't give your hearts to the wrong person.
This article was so true, so real, so unmistakably correct it's mind buggling how dumb one really is when in love or what you think is love. What you will put up with and what you'll allow yourself to believe, what you will sacrifice, it's like a drug addiction. It's so deprivating and demoralizing, it's incredibly shameful when you realize what you've let yourself be a part of and damning to your soul how you could ever hurt another woman in a way that you know would crucify you had it been you it was done too. I am remorseful everyday, not only for her or for myself but for the one who continues to walk this earth clueless as to what true love and trust ever were or ever will be because he lives in a continuum of lies.
How do you end it?
I'm currently having an affair with a married man and it hurts
I won't go into details i just wanna know how to break it off
Because part of me want to move on while the other part which is much stronger wanted to stay.
How to end it?
You need to be completely honest with yourself and this can be hard. Look within yourself, dig deep the answers are all there. Be patient, they will come as you really think about it one simple question. it will not happen overnight it took me 6 months of self reflection. (I know I might be slow at this but it has really paid off)
1) You need to ask yourself this very important question. What are/were you hoping to get out of the relationship?
2) Once you really realize the answer to number one you then have to ....Cut the cord between you. Picture an umbilical cord attached to him/you, (that's what this is an attachment), make the decision to cut that umbilical cord, sever it, slice it, dice it however you have to do it but do it. Sit back and picture it in your mind meditate on cutting it and letting go.
3) Laugh more, find this with people you work with, your best friend, watch comedy on TV, read a good book Janet Evanovich will make you laugh she is a great story writer. Just laugh
4) ) Quit playing the victim. We all do it and have done it during an affair. We are not the victim. you know who is? the wife who is at home waiting for her husband to come home from work, the bar, the movies, the sporting event he is suppose to be at when he is really with you.
5)my favorite.... my counselor told me and it hit me so hard it is so simple, but we don't think of it. "WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US". Think about this. we are teaching these cheaters they can use us, and manipulate us and we will be there for them at their beckon call. . But is that what we really are? I bet if you were to put your foot down, he would out that door so fast you won't know what hit you.
Here are quotes I have read...
Never make someone a priority when all you are to then is an option.
The first time someone shows you who they are believe them.
Courage when you doubt
Believe in yourself
Sex without love is meaningless. and yes an affair is sex without love, it is lust huge difference from love.
This is going to sound harsh, but it is so true ladies. I was with my guy for 2 years, and you know what I was? basically a whore. he bought me things took me places, fed me at great restaurants, provided all the alcohol (go figure) I always looked impeccable when we went out, and at the end of every single time together he got his sex with me. He was so proud to be seen with me. (hello is this their ego talking)?
We are all beautiful woman and we really are in a position where we can do anything we put our minds to doing. We are strong, God made woman to be strong... in his funny sense of humor he knew what we would have to endure in life so he did in fact make us the dominant species for a reason. ha ha
I hope this helps anyone who reads it. Yes, I have been in counseling due to the mess my life was in for 2 years, and you know what? I can finally say I don't have that pit in my stomach anymore, my heart does not hurt so bad (I thought it was going to explode), I can finally breathe again and it feels really good. I am finally finding myself again. why? how? First I wanted to, second I found someone to talk to and really listen to the questions he asks me and I go home and I write in a journal you would be amazed at what you write and look back on a week, 2 weeks, a month later, your feelings really do change and you see yourself growing and what more rewarding is that?
It helps me if I can help at least one person out there to get through the pain, I am living proof the pain subsides and it is the most amazing feeling in the world. BUT first you need to ask yourself question number 1 and be honest with yourself. No more lies....
@ Arizona!
Thank you so much for your input. I have sent him a letter and assume he has read it (typical for him to not respect me enuff to let me know if he got it). My problem is that I do still love him, I don't love how he makes me feel. I have gone through the steps many times and he is what I want in a partner, but can't provide what I want and hope for in a relationship. That is the reason I respected the distance when he left me 7 months ago. I genuinely wanted him to make a go of it and pick up the remains of my life and move forward.
I don't understand why they come back. I was finally laughing again! I was going out with my friends and having fun. I started to read books again, I was genuinely getting better! Why do they feel the need to come back and destroy again. He wasn't there when he left, he ended it by a text message! COWARD! He didn't see the devastation that was there when he left. The days crying for what I had done, and the love that I thought was gone. I realized he had done me a favor and as long as he wasn't reaching I wasn't walking forward. Why do they come back? I haven't heard from him for two weeks and now I am scared of him coming back. I don't know if I can handle the recovery again. This time was hard. You said it when you said addiction. He is like a drug to me. Friends for 11 years, I lost a friend and a man I have loved for so long. i am sorry this is so rambling. I let him get to me and am trying to get back on track. I keep thinking every day is a new day and I will get stronger. How do you heal a broken heart and how do you keep moving to strength when you love the one you want to get away from. So twisted really.
Hurting so badly.
I am sure he is what you want in a partner, I am sure you still love him. But are you IN love with him? Love comes in many varieties per say. We love our girlfriends like a friend, we love our children with undeniable love, we love our spouses they are the one's we married, after time, we love them but are not in love with them. You have known him for 11 years, I am sure you do love him. but maybe as a friend? you have a bond with this man. something to think about. Maybe write down what you love about him and what you don't like about him, study the list, The side for love might be longer than what you don't like, but don't look at the number of items on each list, look at the reasons you wrote down, are they little menial items? or the big ticket items? and what side do they fall on? this might bring it into perspective for you.
No, he cannot provide you what you want and hope for in a relationship, and you did the right thing by respecting him 7 months ago. He needs to figure it all out on his own and this is where they become cowardly. He is probably attached to his wife, (and if he is this is the worst of all the emotions), once you are attached, (as you know) it is so hard to let go and make that change, it is so much harder on men. therefore he will never leave. If he just does not love her chances are he will, but in 7 plus months if he hasn't yet he won't.
He came back because you are fun, you are the person he could laugh with, have fun with, talk with, the friend he said you are, I am sure he misses it. BUT it is totally unfair to you, once again they are being selfish when they do this to the OW. I really feel they do not sit back and realize just how bad they hurt us. They are so wrapped up in what they want and the instant gratification they get as soon as we answer them, they never stop to think what it does to us.
I have noticed with my MM that he had a cycle. Notice I said had? I will not allow him back in no way no how. But his cycle was every holiday, every birthday, anniversary, his kids coming home from college, he would break it off with me, then once the events were past him, he would come back and tell me how sorry he was. Once I noticed the pattern I then asked him to just not blow me off when these things come around it hurts way to bad, then you end up calling me again and we get right back together (again teaching them how to treat us). He didn't listen and kept on doing it. Totally not fair or right to do treat any human being this way.
I will tell you this, he just sent me a blank text on Friday, why? who knows, did I answer it? Absolutely not. He does not deserve a response, which he was hoping for. Probably wanted me to say hey did you mean to say something here? this way the dialogue can start back up. BUT there is NO WAY NO HOW I can ever let that happen again. Just keep remembering the pain he put you through, hopefully those memories will make you stronger so you can move on again and not respond to him. You sent him a letter, now let it go. Until he has papers signed by a judge stamped he is still married. I look at it this way, he has lied, cheated, manipulated, used, mentally abused me, how in the world do I ever think it would be different if he were to come back? IT WON'T, he will do it again and again. and again. The cycle must stop...
You will find the right person, there is one out there. When we are not looking and when we least expect it is when it will happen.
Continue to live each day like it is your last, our time on this earth is so short. Look at how much you have already wasted? look at all the good times that were missed? Keep these things in the forefront of your mind, it will make you stronger.
one last thing.... YOU have to LOVE yourself more than you love him... Then and only then can you completely move on. Believe in yourself!!
Best of luck to you, let me know how you are doing. Hope this helps.
thank you , all your comments has made me relaised to dump my married man of 5 months, its amazing they are all the same ...... the same excuses and lies. ,
Arizona!
Thanks for your guidance. I will let you know if anything changes. For now I am in duck and cover/avoidance mode! I am weak to resist if I see him, so I am not allowing it. I am sure it will change over time and I will be able to see him and face him down. For now I think better for all for me to avoid. Thanks again, you are an angel!
I had applied for a job for Walmart and they offered me a position in the Deli i said no because i was trying to watch my weight and i was tired of working around food. So then they offerd me a job in Automotive now i know i didnt like getting dirty but i took it they said i will just be a cashier. So i went back their and got introduced to eveyone and one of the cashiers introduced me to the Shop Manager so we aquainted he was my boss didn't think anything about him. Eventually things had a drastic turn and he started flirting i mean he had ths swag about him that i liked. So this went on for about 6 months and eventually leading to sex. Then one day he said i was his woman. So now it had been a 1yr. By the way i didnt know he was married. So my feeling are all caught up now and this girl was noticeing him flirtin and she said you know he's married i met his wife. I said no way. i asked him and he said no so one day i sat down and talked to him. Why you didn't tell me you were married now my feelings are all caught up its hard to let you go he said i did tell you which he didn't. So we went on spurts of me tring to figure out how to let him go. My heart wouldn't let me i was in love i needed help but couldn't find it. So he would tell me he doesn't have sex with her, he sleeps on the couch, their seperated, that they were seperated when i came along, she is a sorry mom, he just said pretty much that everything is bad in their Marrige. So I believed him so i felt like he was mine. So now it is 5/8/2011 its been 4yrs. I waited until he went to sleep last night to go into his phone. I got his sim card out and put it in my phone and i did and the thing i seen. 4/10/2011 He Made a video of her shaving her legs while he jack off! He took numerous pick of her naked, close up pics of her private area. i mean i im so hurt right now words really cant explain my pain. I mean im only 25 we got together when i was 21 he is 36. I really hurt can someone please help me!!!!!! im in pain right now tears will not stop flowing and when i comfronted him about it he said oh you just whineing, What!!!! Im hurt and you act as if you dont even care! GOD PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!! iT'S JUST REALLY HARD TO LET SOMEONE GO THAT YOU HAVE GAVE YOUR HEART TO, YOUR BACK BONE, i'M CRYING NOW I JUST CANT STOP! HELP ME SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!
Hi Heart broken
I could clearly hear how hurt you are, I feel so sorry for you. How do you tell someone to forget about a man she's given herself to? I know it is very very dificult and there are no right words to say to you.
The only advice I can give (coming from someone who has also had an affair with a married man)is to make the decision to walk away and then you do it. There is no turning back. You will be hurt, you will miss him, you will probably even try and make contact with him when you are lonely, but eventually your strong spirit will take charge and you will no longer want to be his secret love affair. It will get easier and you can move on from this! You know the human mind is so strong, what you put your mind to, you can do! You CAN walk away from this and one day you can look back with no sadness and thank God that it was only a chapter in your life that you could learn from.
Also, when you feel weak and miss him, come and read the other posts on here, this is what I did, and I cannot explain to you how much it helped to read the same scenarios as mine.
When you feel you are about to make contact with him, give yourself 5 minutes, come and read this, remind yourself that he is using you and then you decide if you still want him in your life.
Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, watch a movie, go shopping, keep yourself occupied when you feel you are about to make contact.. With time you will be healed and feel strong again.
Give it time, but work hard at it!
Good luck to you :-)
I am an Egyptian born female of 24 years old. I am involved with my MARRIED Egyptian born, American doctor who resides in the United States. He is 46 years old.We are dating for 3 months now and have not had sex yet. I want him to leave his wife.
I planned to return to Egypt in July for a vacation to visit my mom. He was afraid that I would meet a man there so he begged me to speak with my Dad, whom I live with in America. I did that and he asked my dad for my hand in marriage. To be married secretly in Egypt. However, my American born step-mom suggested that I not marry in Egypt, but wait for the divorce and then marry. She also said that she didn't approve of the whole thing period.
My handsome married doctor says that I am the one and only. That he never has felt this way before. He is married for 10 years and has no children. I will leave for Egypt this Saturday and wait for him to get his divorce. He said that it shouldn't be longer than September. I am a virgin.
He is a successful doctor who is famous in the US in the Egyptian Arab people. He even has every denomination of patients. I don't want to ruin his practice. Do you believe him? I think that I do. Please help me. Thank you.
I am an Egyptian born female of 24 years old. I am involved with my MARRIED Egyptian born, American doctor who resides in the United States. He is 46 years old.We are dating for 3 months now and have not had sex yet. I want him to leave his wife.
I planned to return to Egypt in July for a vacation to visit my mom. He was afraid that I would meet a man there so he begged me to speak with my Dad, whom I live with in America. I did that and he asked my dad for my hand in marriage. To be married secretly in Egypt. However, my American born step-mom suggested that I not marry in Egypt, but wait for the divorce and then marry. She also said that she didn't approve of the whole thing period.
My handsome married doctor says that I am the one and only. That he never has felt this way before. He is married for 10 years and has no children. I will leave for Egypt this Saturday and wait for him to get his divorce. He said that it shouldn't be longer than September. I am a virgin.
He is a successful doctor who is famous in the US in the Egyptian Arab people. He even has every denomination of patients. I don't want to ruin his practice. Do you believe him? I think that I do. Please help me. Thank you.
Sorry I already posted this, but I thought that I should post it again after I signed up.
Hi .. I dont know how to begin and where to so that everything will in sequence. I am very upset right now.. I fell in love with a married man. yes its a taboo and morally wrong and all that and i know. But I dare to say that i truly thought that it was over with him and his wife. He told me they were separated and I recently found out that all that he fed me was lies. I lost a lot in this relationship and it kills me daily when i think that he is happily living it up and everything is working out well for him.
When i met him he was a lonely, sad and cash broke man. He told me his wife abused him and that she was not happy with what he made which was about two thousand dollars. He is a restaurant manager. He never told me that his wife was pregnant and when he did tell me, it was the day after she gave birth. On the night she gave birth he even came by to where i worked to say hello to me in the evening. Later he told me that the youngest, a daughter - the third child in the family was not even his. He earned my empathy. I wanted to set this man straight. I resolved to work him and make sure he started feeling better about himself. When at this point he told me he wanted to walk out of his home- i said no. Because i felt that regardless of whether the child was his or not, his wife had just given birth and this was not the time for him to walk out. I wouldn't wish this on myself and It will be devastating for a woman especially with 3 young children. There was good and bad that came out of this.
I made his life, mine. Our dates revolved around his restuarant, his work. I did his proposals. Waitressed and cashiered. And was available 24/7 for him as and when he needed me to talk about anything that he wanted to. We discussed his work and his staff. I got along very well with his staff and alot of people though suspected that he and i were an 'item' they also believed that i was his brains and back bone. One of his staffs told me this. Believe me in 3 months - he was promoted and within 5 months, saw yet another increment in his salary. He was no longer broke and was finding respect and the manliness that he was not seeing earlier in his community. He always made it known to me that I was the woman behind his success and i took note NOT to gloat and let myself soar in my heart for my success because by this time i was already suspecting things were better at his house. Insecurity set in within me.
Then one day he fell ill and he changed altogether. He told me that he was suspecting that it was stomach cancer. I went out of order. I prayed daily in the mornings on my prayer mat. I would wake up and I was terribly scared that he might just die. Imagine waking up daily at 4 am to pray and each day with tears and hope that he will recover. His test results came and it was ulcer. Than his fangs started showing. Increasingly he cancelled our dates. He cancelled our Friday dates. Each day all i got from him was Gdmorning B. LU - which meant - gdmrng baby. love you. He started to tell me that his children were his priority and that even I was not anymore. That hurt alot. After all that I did for him. But I gave in. I told myself that if his happiness and his heart was with his children then I should let him be. One of the reasons i loved him so much was because he loved his kids. Even when he told me he wanted to leave his wife and children, he always said that he wanted to make sure the boys had funds. But the truth was he was in demand now. His wife and he worked out their differences which is fine.
All i asked of him when we were together was to be upfront with me. To tell me he was working things out at home if he was because i do understand that children were involved. BUT he always and always told me that his daughter was another man's child and that his wife had had many men and that he will never forgive her for what he had been subjected to and the humiliation of being with her. I understood his feelings from a male's point of view. I truly loved him. I thought he was perfect, tender, responsible and kind. But directionless. There is more and it doesnt get easier.
I eventually broke up with him without a word concluding that if he wanted to work things out with his wife - i should let him since there were children involved. I refused to take calls and just started missing in action. Got a few where are you messages and soon that stopped when i refused to respond. I was really trying to be civil and control my emotions and not act on the rage and madness and sadness that I was going through within me. I want to highlight that as much as I have given and done for him - I am an attractive and a fiesty person. I live by my rules and am cheerful. I believe that people have a right to their choices. which was why i started seeing him and which is also why i decided to stop seeing him. And than more madness started. One of his wife's ex boyfriend starting looking me up on facebook. I didnt know who he was and all at that point of time. But when he started asking questions that were directed at the restuarant 'he' was working at - i knew something was up. So after a month and a half of disappearing i contacted him to tell him about the facebook stalker. He apologised and promised to have a word with his wife. I was nice about the whole thing and hung up but deleted my facebook account altogether.
I ran into him about 4 times altogether after this whole saga and I acted indifferent because I did not want his staff to detect any unhappy vibes from us. I bubbled as per normal and acted like I had it all together. But this started to attract him to me and I was oblivious to this. One day I missed so bad that I texted him.. he called back 3x and i refused to take the call because I felt like I did not want to get the whole thing started again. 2 days later, i text him his name again and he called. This time we arranged to meet. We were with each other and we talked a bit. I cried and I told him that I missed him alot. but this seemed to annoy him. He told me that his mom wanted him to be with his wife and that his wife had changed but he was still not giving her a chance. He said that he doesn't want any women in his life not even me. I just kept thinking what i had done to deserve this. I had done everything to the best of my abilities. He told me that Money and image was important to him. I listened and all this while i drew the conclusion that he was not just working his marriage but he wanted me back because he wanted to continue using me for his work and to do his proposals and stuff. Later on i went through his phone and i found a text where his wife mentioned that she might be pregnant with their fourth child and he replied with a we cant afford another one. To which she volunteered an abortion. I was disgusted cos he was still bitching about her and he was still telling me how the baby did not look like him.
I slapped him and he looked shocked. I asked him what kind of a person he was and i asked if whatever was in his pants was an animal that he had to feed it like that.
Some of the stories he shared with me made me realise that the wife had a good scare when she saw a much younger and attractive woman on facebook her husband and she decided to treat him better. (She is also older than him).She also set curfews and treated him like a kid in the past. I believe that was because of him being younger than her. She refused to let him go out and meet his guy friends or visit his hometown as well. I believe this is why he started detaching from her. Even though they were broke, she refused to get a job as apparently she told him that she will be embarrassed to introduce him as her husband since he was just a restaurant manager. He used to tell me that he was depressed and that people told him that he was crazy even when he confided in them. I knew back than he was depressed and i gave him fancy ideas about wooing back his wife - before we became an item but he maintained that he did not want her and that she was obsessed with money. I used to get him dinner because apparently she would lock the kitchen up after 8 which meant he did not
Why one can build her happiness on the destruction of the happiness of another one? I have my point of view on married men: Never listen to a married man who is bad speaking about a woman he dare call his wife. They are all liars and the only thing that interest them is to have sex with a new girl. So girls, use your brain instead of your emotions. And everytime such a situation occures ty to put yourselves in the shoes of the wives. No one this world would accept to be cheated on.
Been reading all these posts in hope of finding a situation a little like my own but unfortunately I haven't. I was after, not advice so much, as peoples points of view. I have been having sex with a married man for 2.5 years. It started as a drunken episode but we have met a number of times after this, never drunk, and had a good time. I already knew that he was married and he didn't try and hide it. He told me that he'd never cheated before, of course being a sceptic, I don't believe him. I've never really known a lot about him and our relationship isn't 'personal'. He keeps himself to himself and doesn't like anyone else to know his business, not even me. He's slightly older than me but very charismatic and sexy yet when we are alone together he goes all quiet, almost shy. He's not a fantastic lover but I enjoy our time in bed together. His lack of skill does suggest that he hasn't been with many women. Just over a year ago I text him letting him know that I had feelings for him and that it probably wasn't a good idea for us to see each other anymore. He text bakc that he understood and he'd had a great time with me and that I should take care. About six months later I managed to accidently email him with an email to someone else and he replied and seemed please to hear from me. Once again we got back into our texting routine and planned to meet up again. I should just say that we never talk on the phone. Although I thought I was over the feelings that had started it became apparent that I wasn't and I once again said that I couldn't do it anymore. Again he was understanding and said that if I changed my mind to let him know. I spent a long time battling my feelings and thought once again that I was over him. Never in two years has he mentioned having feelings for me. He had told me that he was unhappy in his marriage and was planning on leaving but that it was going to be very hard for him as she was of a delicate disposition. We agreed to keep in contact as friends and I text him in the new year, just a seasonal message and he said it was great to hear from me. I felt really strong and was able to chat with him (by text) without any urges to want to be with him. He told me that he had tried to leave his wife and it hadn't gone well and I thought nothing more of it. He has never given me the impression that he's leaving his wife to be with me. I had always presumed that to him I was just sex. Perhaps that's not correct, I provide him with some much needed physical affection that he doesn't get or want from his wife. I think sometimes that he just wants to be close to someone for a bit, and yes, get his rocks off too. But he has never gave me false impressions and for that I respect him. He has never taken advantage of knowing I had feelings for him but his lack of response to my declarations let me know that he doesn't haven't feelings for me. I met up with him one last time and he said that he would be out of touch for a while as he was going to have to end his marriage and that he would be in touch. I don't actually believe that I will ever hear from him again, sincere though he sounded. What has always baffled me though is that he doesn't tell me anything about himself but he chooses our last meeting to tell me he's definately leaving his wife. I can only assume that he wants me to keep hanging around for him but I honestly believe that he is leaving his wife for his own happiness and sanity. He has never promised me anything or given me expectations that would lead me to think it has anything to do with me but I hope.... I am in love with him. I have let him think that I am over my feelings for him as I didn't want to put him under any pressure, that's not how we work together. I want him so very badly and I am not afraid that he won't leave his wife because I think he will, because he wants to, not because he met me. I am afraid that once he's single again he will know that he can go out and screw whoever he wants and will. I am afraid that I won't be good enough for him when I no longer need to be a secret. I want a realtionship with him so badly, but I can't trust him. He has cheated on his wife, who is to say that he won't cheat on me although I think that he has been nothing but honest with me. He sees me because he likes the attention and affection but of all the personal things he could share with me he chooses to tell me the one most intimate thing, the piece of his business that would make no difference to our relationship and that he will probably not tell even his closest work colleagues...that he's leaving his wife. He has always been straight with me and yet it's still messed with my head. I will of course be shocked and delighted if I hear from him once he has separated from his wife but I'm not holding my breath. Still, I'm dreading if I do hear from him. Will he change once he's single, will he kick me to the kerb? If he has no desires to be together with me and has no feelings for me why tell me these things. He knows that I would see him when he's married so he has no excuse for trying to keep me hanging on unless he does have feelings for me. Stupid though it sounds (and I'm rational so I know it sounds stupid) but I think he's so desperate for intimacy that he has sex with me to fulfill that urge and that he probably feels very guilty afterwards. It's almost like he can't share himself with me because he still has a commitment to his wife and the sex is just sex but until he ends his marriage for good he's trying to keep the remainder of his vows...I just don't know. Maybe he's just not that into me. Maybe he is just playing me and he's doing a very very fine job. I've had affairs before but he seems different and it's hard to explain. In public he's very popular, well liked, funny and sometimes crude, a real mans man, not a ladies man, his personal life stays very personal to him but at the same time in private he's almost awkward, quiet and shy. He confuses the hell out of me!! I've deleted his number from my phone so I'm not tempted to text him while he alledgely leaves his wife. I will wait to see if I hear from him. I have imagined every possibly outcome in my head and although I know he could leave me as heart broken as the next woman I have prepared myself mentally for that devastating text and I will deal with it. I know this isn't the usual, 'I promise I'm going to leave my wife for you' story, perhaps if it was I wouldn't be so confused about where my future lies with him.
We forget too easily in life that everyone is an individual, everyone has their own idea of happiness and that everyone is different. I am not the same person I was two years ago, in fact I am not the same person I was last week. My ideals haven’t changed and probably never will, but I have. Everyday I change, as do you. Every experience I have changes me, every person I meet changes me. Everyday we change as people. Marriage…marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. So what happens when you stop falling in love with the other person? Of course this is natural, you are not the same person you were when you got married, your partner isn’t the same person they were when you got married. Marriage is a commitment to another, a vow of monogamy. Are humans really designed to be monogamous? Should we expect someone to forsake all others for us? Who was your perfect partner yesterday may not be your perfect partner tomorrow, or next week, or next year. A marriage vow does not mean you belong to someone; no person belongs to any other. No one person can steal someone else away because we are not objects to be possessed.
So, for example, your partner is cheating on you. Why do you suppose that they would cheat? What can someone else given them that you haven’t? You’ve had their children, kept their home, cooked their meals, paid the bills, bought the car, tried impeccably to get on with their family and yet they have strayed. Perhaps it’s nothing that you have or haven’t done at all. Perhaps they have changed and now they are looking for something else. They probably still love you, after all you have shared years of experiences together and been through so much, that has changed both of you. They don’t want to hurt you. Cheaters are just people looking for that someone or thing in their life like everyone else that will make them happy, only they made a promise that they wouldn’t look anymore, that they didn’t need to look anymore but they changed, and so did you. I have been cheated on, I have cheated and I have been with someone who is married.
I can look back on every relationship objectively. I cheated because I was unhappy, I didn’t want to hurt the other person but I wasn’t in love anymore, it wasn’t until I cheated that I realized I wasn’t happy in my relationship but then I didn’t know where to start or end. My partner hadn’t done anything wrong I just couldn’t fall in love with them again, that didn’t mean that I didn’t love them. I felt good when I was with my lover, I was doing something for me instead of them for a change, my own little piece of happiness in the misery I felt I was stuck in. But my partner was blissfully unaware, how could I break their heart when they seemed so happy, how could I justify ending the relationship to them? But I did, eventually. I never told them that I’d cheated, why hurt them even more than I needed to.
I was cheated on. When I found out I was crazy mad, bitter, resentful, angry, sad and of course heart broken. It wasn’t until sometime later that I was able to look back and analyze our relationship from another point of view. I had changed jobs during the relationship and I now worked long hours, I wasn’t as attentive to my partner as I had been. I despised them for there constant need for affection because I was tired. I was still a good partner but had lost the physical need to be close to them. Of course they looked for the physical attention somewhere else, who wouldn’t? I don’t blame them for cheating, I had changed, I wasn’t the person they fell in love with and if truth be told I wasn’t happy either. I was addicted to work and no longer capable of being in a relationship. The fact that it ended was for the best, for both of us.
If you suspect they’re cheating why not end the relationship yourself? You don’t trust them clearly, you’re suspicious and you’re unhappy. The fact that they may be innocent doesn’t matter, this is how you feel, right now, you’re miserable. But of course you have no proof so how can you end it, how can you justify ending it if they have done nothing wrong? You can’t. Despite how you feel, despite that you’re unhappy and don’t trust your partner you can’t end it, there’s no sense. Exactly. It’s the same for a cheater. They have done something bad, shared a bit of themselves with another because it makes them happy for a while but ultimately they are unhappy but like you, you’ve done nothing wrong so how can they justify ending the relationship? But now they have done something wrong. They can justify leaving you to themselves if not to you because they have been bad and they don’t want to hurt you and especially not like that. They don’t want to get caught out because that would hurt you far more than it would hurt them. They have already accepted that the relationship is over but they know your acceptance will be harder, yet you remain unhappy with them. Innocent or guilty why haven’t you ended it if you’re unhappy? Don’t resent them for not ending it; you have the same opportunity for happiness as everyone else.
Everyone changes and it changes everyone around you and every situation you encounter and of course it will change a relationship. Some changes are small and can be overcome; some changes are bigger and have to be fought through. Some changes are just irreversible. Change is a part of life and we have to accept it.
Ah, so you’re worried about the kids! They already know. They might not understand but they know that their parents are unhappy. The vibes have been leaking into their sub-consciousness’ since before you even realized yourself. They are growing up learning that being in a relationship is miserable and that’s normal. Would it not be better for them to know their parents as happy individuals rather than a miserable couple? It’s not about whom you are with but what you teach them.
Unhappy people don’t end relationships when they should and because they should. They end them only when a significant reason arises, like cheating. Some cheat to get caught, to have a justifiable reason because hurting someone is difficult. It’s emotional and draining so why do it, if haven’t been caught why end it? Why cause someone else the hurt? Because you should, because you are unhappy and your unhappiness is stunting their happiness and they deserve to be happy just like you do. End it before you cheat. Find your own piece of mind and be content with yourself. The status of a relationship should not hang in the balance because of money or family or ill health or even the kids, if you’re not happy you can’t make someone happy. Good intentions are not always the best intentions. And yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
You might not like that someone has changed but that doesn’t make them bad people. Men who cheat are not all bastards, women who cheat are not all bitches (I accept that some just are) they are just people, people who changed and can’t go back. People who want different things from their partner now and you changed too but not in same way. No one enters into a relationship wanting to hurt the other person, if fact I would say, with affairs of the heart no-one wants to hurt anyone else in life. No one sets out to cause another grief and pain but it will happen. We have to accept change and move on because we can’t control it or stop it from happening.
What are the odds? If there really is the perfect person out there for everyone, what are the actual odds that you will find them? If we say an average lifespan is 80 years and there are 6 billion+ people on earth you would have to meet 75 million new people every year, that’s 205,479 new people every day just ensure that you had found the perfect one. Well, that’s not going to happen is it? Don’t get me wrong, I want it all, the big romance, ever lasting love and a happy ending with the dream person, I’m not holding my breath. I envy with big green eyes two friends of mine who are in their 40’s, both been married, both divorced and then they met and marr
Nice article.Good effort. I really appreciate. Thanks
Cont's from previous...
...I envy with big green eyes two friends of mine who are in their 40’s, both been married, both divorced and then they met and married each other after dating for 5 years. They seem eternally happy, like two peas in a pod and I realize that there is hope for us all.
A relationship isn’t about one person, one person might make a mistake and cheat but they didn’t do it just for the hell of it, there was a reason, an underlying cause. They might and probably don’t love the person they cheated with but they wanted them for something, just to feel wanted or needed, for a physical touch, for an adrenaline rush, for satisfaction, whatever it was. It takes two to tango so did you stop dancing or did the music stop playing? You can not help who you fall in love with; you can control what you do about it. Equally, you can not help who you fall out of love with and you should control what you do about that. There are two sides to every story but the plot is different, we all have our own twists and turns that make up the story and no two in the history of our species will ever be the same. Don’t assume you know someone because you love them; they’ve changed since you last spoke. Don’t assume that everyone does things for the same reasons; their life has been different to yours.
Cont's from previous...
...I envy with big green eyes two friends of mine who are in their 40’s, both been married, both divorced and then they met and married each other after dating for 5 years. They seem eternally happy, like two peas in a pod and I realize that there is hope for us all.
A relationship isn’t about one person, one person might make a mistake and cheat but they didn’t do it just for the hell of it, there was a reason, an underlying cause. They might and probably don’t love the person they cheated with but they wanted them for something, just to feel wanted or needed, for a physical touch, for an adrenaline rush, for satisfaction, whatever it was. It takes two to tango so did you stop dancing or did the music stop playing? You can not help who you fall in love with; you can control what you do about it. Equally, you can not help who you fall out of love with and you should control what you do about that. There are two sides to every story but the plot is different, we all have our own twists and turns that make up the story and no two in the history of our species will ever be the same. Don’t assume you know someone because you love them; they’ve changed since you last spoke. Don’t assume that everyone does things for the same reasons; their life has been different to yours.
I posted on here 7 weeks ago and I am still having a difficult time getting over my MM. I know it's wrong, I've stayed away but my heart is broken. i would have never got involved with a MM had I known but now that i do know, it still hurts and I am still deeply in love with him. How crazy and sick is that? I hate what he's done to me and how I've changed from a strong, confident woman to a sad, pathetic person. Please pray that I can heal from all this. I feel as if I am dying everyday.
hi i read ur post abt being involved with a married guy.. i was in a similar situation..plz help me n give some advice on this.. this is my story
i'm a single woman who got involved with a married man . before getting involved with him i knew he was married and but he had told me how much he loved me and how his marriage was falling apart. i wanted to withdraw from all this as i knew it was wrong and tried even avoiding him but i had loved this man as well and trusted him and so we eventually started dating.we had the most beautiful and wholesome time together.
his wife always suspected that something was up between both of us. but he always denied it to her. his wife used to talk ill of me to people around.
i didnt do anything about this as i trusted this man and wanted a future eventually..
after a couple of months in the relationship i discovered that this man was cheating on me,, he was into flithy communications with women on the internet..
when i found out about this i told his wife that i'm not the cause of things not working out between her and her husband.. its cause of her husband, that he is complete player.. and i gave her all the dirty conversations he has had..
now today the situation is that this man blaims and hates me for ruining his life , as his folks are angry with him for his behaviour... and obviously i'm wrong in everyones eyes , although i know i'm not entirely at fault...
i know i should have never got involved in the first place but
i really need to know if by giving the wife the conversations and telling her i'm not the home wrecker and that her husband is to be blaimed was a mistake or not ?
Ive checked all the posts since my last entry and all the posts are the same, why do we let these mm get to us and grind us down, after 11 weeks away from my mm, 6 weeks with no contact, ive let him worm his way back in and im ill over it again, Things were getting better, I was enjoying life again, i felt free, could go days on end without checking my phone or thinking about him, and now im back to square one, ive turned in to the phone hogging desperate woman that i was last year. I know he wont leave, hes told me, his words, i cant leave my family but i love you. If he loves me, why be with another woman, why allow her into his bed. Well i know the truth, i just need to face it again, he proposed to this woman, he married her in front of his family, friends and in the eyes of God, he loved her then and he loves her now, he made 2 beautiful children with her, he continues to be the father and the husband, and who am I to him really. I am sure that I am just an ego boost, someone who makes his marriage better, well no more. And the sad thing was the other night I thought I could give him 10 years, 10 years, who am I kidding, in 10 years i will be in exactly the same position and he will still be with his wife, I need to move on again, so thanks ladies, thanks for helping me to get my sanity back, day one, no contact.There has to be more for us all than this x
Hi everyone,
We will be getting married in Egypt. I will stay there until my married lover gets his American divorce. I'm happy that he loves me.
@laci1948 Good luck to you, will be intereting to see how things turn out for you a few years from now....if he cheated on his wife, what makes you think he wont cheat on you..you said you are a virgin, why don't you find someone who is eligible...if you read some of the posts above...the message is coming out loud and clear...a relationship that starts off in a lie and dishonesty does not last...you will always be looking over your shoulder...
@laci1948 Good luck to you, will be interesting to see how things turn out for you a few years from now....if he cheated on his wife, what makes you think he wont cheat on you..you said you are a virgin, why don't you find someone who is eligible...if you read some of the posts above...the message is coming out loud and clear...a relationship that starts off in a lie and dishonesty does not last...you will always be looking over your shoulder...
One way to find the strength to leave after you have fallen for a MM who promises that he will get a divorce after the holidays, or will leave his wife when he lands a better job, or whatever excuse he gives you, is to tell yourself: if he loves me, if he truly loves me, he will find me once he is divorced. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you believe he will go through with the divorce, but until papers have been filed, you need to walk away because of the guilt and because you deserve more. Although chances are he will never leave his wife, you need to realize that a man who loves and wants to be with his mistress WILL GET A DIVORCE. A man who doesn't want to get a divorce will make excuses & empty promises for far too long of a period of time. If you don't see action, walk away. To make it easier to walk away, leave HIM with the choice - he can have you IF HE GETS A DIVORCE or he won't have you at all. The choice is his. Walking away while still giving him the opportunity to have you IN THE FUTURE will show you, in time, whether he loved you or whether he was using you. You can't stay with a man who refuses to take the necessary steps to get a divorce and expect to ever feel any happiness in your life. You lose your self-esteem. You lose respect for him, for yourself, you lose the ability to trust, to believe, to value love. Reading thru these posts and having heard all of the lies from men in my own life, I think of the great filmmaker Billy Wilder who left his wife for his mistress Audrey Young. He married her and remained faithful to her for 53 years until his death at the age of 95. It happens. But rarely. His life with Audrey Young shows what real love can bring about from the ruins of a failed marriage. Not every marriage is good. People marry young, they make mistakes, they fall out of love. Some stay in the marriage and cheat repeatedly. Some suffer through it and remain faithful. Some get divored. Those who stay and cheat are weak and selfish. They use people. If your MM won't leave his wife, he loves something more than he loves you, whether it is his wife, the comfort of home, financial security, the routine he has created... and the fact that he won't set you free by telling you the truth (that he will probably never leave her) is really disgusting. Please walk away sooner than later. Don't allow years of your life to pass you by because you choose to belive his promises and excuses. Walk away and let him find you when he is divorced or once he has filed the divorce papers. You deserve a man who will put you first, not one who gives you scraps and left-overs. Best of luck to everyone who is hurting.
Your response to this was perfect. Harsh? Aboslutely not! You said what needed to be said. If you have sympathy for someone and tell them something softly, it will not change anything, only encourage their rotten behavior! You have to be honest and raw to get someone's attention.
i'm a 20 years old girl future nurse who felt in love with a married doctor if this is really love because i don't think so .any way it's about 4 months when i first saw him he is funny smart handsome and playful i was atrracted to him so much evethough i knew that he is married .he asked for my number phone and i didn't hesitate .we talked sometimes we exchanged messages but when we met at the hopital it's like we don't know each other. untill the last days my brother had a surgery i went to meet this doctore to fill some papers in his office we finished by having sex there .everything went too fast i felt guelt i cried it was like i lost myslef (he promessed that it wouldn't happened again).i don't want to get more involved with him he is somehow using me this is not what i was dreaming to be or to have in my life .
Just a few words towards the angry wives and the mistress-haters:
In return, do you really believe that the other woman is the fool? Well, of course she can be, she can be dumb enough to believe every lie your nasty hubbies tell her, she can be so ignorant that she won't see that she's only used as a sex-toy and she can be so naive that she really believes your man would stop the cheating after he got divorced.
But, there are also others. There are women that by accident meet the man of their dreams while he is taken, and at first, there is nothing they can do about it. But if they happen to find out that if their man wouldn't be married, they would happily be together, they have to make a decision. There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE between the wife when she decided to marry him and the mistress when she decides the same.
Both women found their love, and both are willing to do everything to win him over, which is the most natural thing on this planet.
I can of course understand that the wives keep hatred in their hearts for these women, the 'home wreckers', the 'stupid whores' and 'cheap sluts' that are apparently too blind to see that their affair will never leave his wife.
But, as Veronica and many others stated here before, does this make the wives be the winners in this game??
Even if their men will never file a divorce or run away with the mistress, calling the other woman the fool is, in comparison to the wife's part, breathtakingly ridiculous.
They may sleep in his bed (well, alone though in many nights), take care of his children (which is in many cases the only reason why they are still in the game), cash his paychecks (as they have no other option being financially dependent) and spend quality time in the family circle over Christmas and vacations (although in a lot of cases, many of the family's members and friends know about the affair, especially the wife's mother-in-law and her hubby's best mates, which easily turns the inner circle occasions in a running-the-gauntlet for the wives that have to play along to keep the spirit up) - but in the end, may I ask, who is the goddamn fool here?
The mistress can turn her back on your hubby as soon as she can't be bothered anymore, finding a better man.
But what about you? Have you honestly looked for a man to spend your life with that gets you pregnant, buys you a house, lets you spend his money and fucks other women?! Do you feel yourself being in a powerful position as you are technically from the law still being his wife? Well, in fact, you have nothing but a golden cage of lies, cheating, dishonesty and disrespect - all being built up under your eyes (as most betrayed wives know about what's going on) - as you are simply lacking the guts to improve your situation and stand up for your rights. This is your own fault, not anyone elses.
The rule for mistresses that says they have to blame themselves if their affair isn't leaving his wife because they allowed him to get away with it for too long applies to you the same way: If you decide to silently tolerate your husband's behaviour (mostly out of existential anxieties as you decided to become a jobless, often even uneducated desperate housewive with the permanent excuse of being a "fulltime mummy"), you have no right to blame the other woman of taking him away from you. Because you should be able to protect what's your's, if you can't, it does no longer belong to you, and you certainly don't deserve it.
Never help a CHEAT!!
Perhaps you've heard this idea before: "Why shouldn't I get involved with a married man/woman? I'm not cheating on anyone."
Strictly speaking, this is true - you're not committing adultery, unless you're married as well. If you aren't married, then isn't adultery really only an issue for the partner that is? You, the accomplice, so to speak, aren't breaking any vows or promises or hearts...so what's the big deal?
I'll tell you. The big deal is that as much as adultery destroys marriages and causes heartache to the spouse who was betrayed, the main reason you should never become romantically or sexually involved with a married person is because of the heartache and trouble it will cause you. There are some very real considerations you should keep in mind if you've ever been tempted to become involved with someone else's spouse, not because of how it will affect their marriage, but because of what it will mean to you.
Here are some examples:
It means denying yourself the ultimate pleasure
Aside from the obvious truth that having sex with someone else's spouse isn't an honourable thing to do, the main reason you should never do it is the same reason why you oughtn't pick up strangers in bars, have promiscuous and multiple partners, or become a porn star; if you do, you'll be robbing yourself of one of life's greatest pleasures: love making.
You can only make love, that is to say have really incredibly satisfying sex, when you are in mutual love with your partner, when your emotional connection to each other is tied to your values and when primacy and privacy are in tact. Sex under any other circumstances is not ultimately satisfying, as anyone who has led a sexually nomadic life will tell you. Even at it's best, in those heady first few days of the affair, it still isn't nearly as good as it could be if the two of you were honestly in love with each other and together because you saw each other as a potential lifetime companion.
But what about those who do see their partner as a potential life companion? What about those people who have affairs not for cheap sex but for more emotional considerations? Well...
Adulterous affairs are almost never "true love" or even love at all.
Some people who begin affairs with a married person tend to harbour the secret hope that this is The One, some special, fragile and clandestine relationship that was Meant to Be, but that tragically this great love was interrupted or forestalled by the inconvenience of the other spouse. "If only we could be together"...they sigh, in love with the melodrama of it all..."If only he/she would agree to the divorce, then we could be together forever...."
This is simply not realistic. Most people who begin affairs are either bored, unhappy (but not unhappy enough to get a divorce) or intrigued by how much they can get away with, they are not looking to leave their comfortable lives, their comfortable spouses, their kids, their houses, their standing in the community...they just want a roll in the hay. They view this new sexual tryst as a kind of game, something that excites them for the first time in a long time, something that perks up their boring routine and makes them feel young again...they are not so overcome with love for you that they have to risk it all to win your heart. To think that the married co worker of yours who tells you how exciting you are is willing to trade in everything he's worked for all these years to start all over again with you - and with alimony and child support and a potential court battle as well - is extremely unrealistic. If you choose to believe this and become involved with him anyway, don't be surprised when he ends it soon after it begins. Because...
Affairs are notoriously short.
If you ever needed proof that affairs are not about love, just observe the average length of the average affair. A couple of months, usually, maybe a year at the outside. And that's only because it's often quite hard to disentangle yourself quickly once you've begun, and it takes a few months to really end things. If you compare that to real love - which can and does last a lifetime if it's based on shared values, there can be no doubt that the only thing binding an adulterous couple together is the momentary thrill of sex (as unthrilling as momentary sex can be).
Affairs are usually just an outburst of pent up frustration or emotion, they are temporary, short-lived sexual releases that some people resort to without bothering to talk out their problems with their spouse. They are about excitement or relief, about easing boredom or reclaiming self-esteem - and once they've served their purpose, there's no longer any use for them, or for the partner in them. Adulterers rarely leave their spouses over an affair, unless the betrayed spouse forces them to. Most adulterers, if they had their way, wouldn't alter their lives or marriages in any way, except to add discrete affairs from time to time that no one ever knew about.
If you become sexually involved with a married person, don't be surprised if the "passion" fizzles quite quickly and your company is not as desirable as it once was. The husband or wife that "didn't understand" your lover soon becomes the only person they want to go home to at night - not you.
Also...
You will never be primary or private
The lack of primacy and privacy in an adulterous affair accounts for why it will never be as sexually or romantically satisfying as a committed monogamous marriage, but aside from that, never being private or primary with your lover has real applications in the real world. You can never be primary in that his or her spouse will always come before you, in everything - don't be surprised if secret dates are suddenly cancelled because "something came up at home", don't expect to ever be able to spend the holidays or important days with your lover. Don't expect to have the simple joy of waking up in love with the person next to you and knowing you can luxuriate in bed with each other all day if you want. Don't ever expect to feel special or valuable; you know that there is someone else that is deemed more special or more valuable to your lover than you are - especially when he or she goes to elaborate lengths not to "hurt" their spouse while hurting you every day.
And although affairs are by their nature secret and clandestine, they are never really "private" - for real privacy in a relationship there must be the feeling that it is just the two of you facing the world together, that you are a team, mutually exclusive and committed to each other. It doesn't matter if you always meet in out-of-the way places and carry on in secret, as long as there's a spouse and possibly children involved in this relationship of yours, it will never be truly private.
And, of course:
This person will, in all likelihood, do the same thing to you with someone else.
You have to know that even if you develop a "successful" relationship with a married person (whatever "success" means to someone having an affair), the very fact that they cheated on their husband or wife with you means they have the kind of character that would let them cheat on you with someone else.
Some people, who subscribe to the "But he really loves me!" theory believe that they are somehow different, that their lover only cheated because their spouse was a cad or a cow, but that things are different now because now they're really in love. These people like to think that their lover will mend their straying ways now that they've chanced upon such a peach, and will turn into faithful, devoted, blissfully happy lover from that point on. Some people honestly don't make the mental connection necessary to see that if he or she did it once, they'll be able to do it again.
And finally:
Relationships that grow out of affairs can leave you open to future blame.
Sometimes, it happens. A man in his forties or fifties, say, meets a vibrant young woman in her twenties who is attracted to him and entices him with a chance to recapture his youth and feel virile again. They begin an affair, which the man thinks he can pull off without hi
Not a good idea at all - No it's not love and can't be really on either side because love means being able to TRUST that person,and if he really did leave her your going to be the one he cheats on.
But I understand wanting to believe in the non existent I really do, sometimes when you've had nothing it seems like the right thing to do as having something no matter how crappy and 1/2 @ssed can feel better than nothing temporarily anyhow, "Until it back fires and creates total trauma in your life and the life of others that is.
The problem here isn't affairs. It's marriage. Don't get married and don't live together. Relationships are much better between two individuals leading independent lives, working on personally fulfilling goals without sacrificing in order to please a spouse. Children are much better off with parents that have the strength and skills to care for themselves independent of another adult. They are also more secure for the fact that their parents are unlikely to produce more children than either can handle alone. Marriage is an archaic, unnecessary union. It offers a false sense of security while systematically dismantling the individual. For women this usually means feeling hopeless and irreparably dependent. For men it usually means feeling overworked, and under appreciated. In both situations the "security" of marriage becomes a feeling of being locked down, of suffocating. Wound opened, enter affair. Shame on all of you for putting down the poor women that seeks your sympathy and advice. The affair is the effect of a bad situation, not the cause. This was posted 4 years ago so it's unlikely that women still needs advice but my advice to anyone in that same situation is to leave the relationship as hard as that may be. Tell the man that you love him and want to be with him but not under these circumstances. Tell him to work on his relationship with his wife, decide if he wants to continue the marriage and if he chooses to get a divorce give you a call. If you are still available you might consider dating him at that time. It is the best thing for you. Men rarely leave their wives for the other woman. If they leave it will be because they want out of a bad relationship. They won't do this as long as they are able to maintain an affair because the affair masks the effects of the wounded marriage. In order to maintain a successful relationship you must first be true to yourself and your own needs. It isn't selfish, it's the best thing for everyone involved.
This is my story, I've been married to my husband for 15 years now, seve of which he's been cheating with thesame woma, I found out about this woman six years ago, she called my husband on his cel on new years eve, presumably she wanted to spend the new year with him we were gettig ready to go out, he was in the shower so I answered his phone, I then gave it to him, he told her off, said I am with my wife ad you making us fight don't ever call me again,So I thought soreted this mustbe one of those groupies, only to find out several years later that they were still seeing one another, my husband was very good he comes home straight from work, never slept outside, his phone is always visible around the house ad no dodgy phoe calls at night clearly the mistress was well trained, this day he forgot to delete the missed call, from the mistress yes I crammed the number all those years ago.I confroted him, about it he confessed, got my parents and his parets to come talk about this asked him if he was unhappy whether he wanted to leave me, was he in love with which he obviously denied, I wasn't happy stilldemanded to go see the mistress with him so that he ca end it off whilst I am there with him(I know dumb move right)we did that and he told her he was never in love with her and he chooses to end this and to be with his family, Went off thought it was finaly over. Jump to three years after the confrontation, we get a summons to court for maintanance from non other than the mistress for my husband, to support his and her child, they've since done paternity awaiting results, he claimed he never knew at first, and then he said he was called b themistress to advice him that she was expecting ad that he was te father, he denied as he claims he had broken it off with her, and she never contacted him until the summons.I don't know what to do I have two children with this man I love dearly he has been a great father and husband, he is kind and has never shown any sign of unhappiness in our marriage.The betrayal is too hurtful!
I am 44 he was 31, pursued me over 3 of the 5 years we've worked together. One night I gave in no excuse, I just gave in...I felt so ashamed, yet he just wanted me more and more. I know my issues and why I allowed it, there were flowers constantly, poems, cards, notes, text's. The more I wanted to end it, the more he fought for me. I became dependent on his affection, sex, warmth, we had so little time together,occasional hours, stolen afternoons of calling out from work. He promised me the sun, the moon and the stars,I knew it would not happen, but I loved him and just hoped for more. I fought the ups/down of all the guilt and neediness that you earn through an affair, it started to weigh us down, then I started to open up and tell him my most deepest secrets, he changed. Suddenly he started to pull away, was it me, or was it the timeline of him leaving her (which I always told him would be too hard for him to leave and in time I could not stay) It was an yo-yo affair, let me go, please stay...finally he called me with a 15 minute window (his drive home) to tell me he needed to stay for his son. I was crushed asked him to be honest and give me closure...he wasn't. We work together, we once discussed a transfer for him if we ever got to this point. He's completely shut me out, perhaps in the hopes I get over it and move on, I am physically sick every morning before work, I sit in my cubicle afraid to even use to restroom because I can't bear to see him look right through me. I tell myself this is absolutely the biggest mistake I've ever made, my choice can hurt a woman who doesn't deserve it, she has forgiven his indiscretions once before, yet I feel bad, I looked away when he's son was born, I know I have to pay with every tear I cry. I tell myself I will find a new job, I tell myself I will lift my head once more, I tell myself I did not do this maliciously, I tell myself I can be the hardworking single mom who had her co-worker's respect once again, I've made a dreadful choice, I've hurt someone, myself, turned my life upside down and I stand alone,lonely, and broken.
Well he married my friend in egypt and she must stay there now because his american wife lives here!
Well he married my friend in egypt and she must stay there now because his american wife lives here!
Hello all,
Regardless of what a married mans' indvidual circumstances are he is 'MARRIED' stay away.
For those who say it takes two to Tango true but
affairs would not happen if there weren't 'TWO' willing participants.
We always have choices and those choices should be moral. There is only one question a woman even 'contemplating' an affair with a married man should ask herself - what would I feel if I was the wife being lied to and cheated on?
Sure a man might have his sob stories about how his wife is mean, he is miserable blah..we have responsibility as women to do the right thing regardless of our individual feelings about the situation.
If the man is so miserable let him divorce his wife 'first' BEFORE he begins his relationship with you, otherwise you become part of the problem.
My personal experience - after 3 months of dating I found out that the man I was seeing was married, when I received a call from his wife. What did I do? I rang him immediately and ended it, my feelings about him were irrelevant. I felt so sorry for this poor woman and I had never even wanted for a second to have him back - why should I he's a taken man and I'm not that desperate!
So it is about respecting yourself enough not to settle for crumbs from another persons table also respecting other peoples lives and committments.
My dear female friends, a woman should be financially sound with their own career or business. Being fully dependent on a man and expecting for a marriage that is 100% risk free is impossible. Circumstances might change from time to time and we wont know what will happen in future.
In that case, be vigilent and take initiative to plan and secure goals for your children and yourself!
Yes, its heartbreaking for a husband to betray you, but the most important problem is not the heartbreak but it is that you cant even find means to put food on your childrens plates and give them a roof above their heads, give them the right education they deserve once the marriage breakdown!
the men is in the wrong because he betrayed you and his family, but you are also extremely in the wrong when you fail to see what is happening in the world now where marriages has no 100% guarentee and you failed to make backup plans for you and children.
Being a full time wife with no means of income except your husband is the road to danger, for you and especially your children.
men or women , should have goals, in terms of financial, family, spiritual , social etc.
lets consider, usually, if a fully dependent wife is being abandoned by the husband, poverty comes.
lets ask yourselve, what are you now/where do you stand in the society in terms of financial standing if you dont include your husband?
Many women withdraw and be stay at home mom due to some factors:
love the children and want to be close to them
plain lazy and dont want to work
not confident of themselves that they too can source a good income.
sickeness
if it was sickness that caused you to be a stay home wife, then its acceptable, but if it was because of other factors, there is no excuse at all for you to stay home.
Especially if you love your children, plan for them now.
DIg your well long before the drought comes,
prevention is better then finding a cure
I want to thank every single one of the people who has posted a comment here (as well as Veronica for her OP). Such insight, such brilliance, such wisdom and common sense - in spite of all your pain. Until now, I've been feeling all alone with my story. Isolation is a killer. My brain starts rationalizing, justifying and making things up out of nothing. My mind goes round and round, spinning wildly into insanity. ALL of you have helped me avoid a BIG MISTAKE.
Well it has been 3 + months since I have written here, and I have a confession to make. I have been back with my MM. I feel like such a hypocrite, writing and telling my stories and how I would never ever take him back but I fell for his lines again. he has been back 3 times, moved in, moved out in the past 3 months, the last time was for 19 days. he left again because of his sons. they are all of college age and they were so mad at him, they were to the point where they did not want to speak to him, let alone see him. He was devastated by this. so he left me to try to make it all work out, he is not back home, she won't allow him to go back home yet, (he has to prove himself).
You know what I don't get? either I am a complete moron and really truly believe and love this man, or he is really pulling one over on me. But let me ask you this... If your husband does not love you and has moved out 6-7 times (but always came back out of guilt) and wants to be with OW why in the world would you make him feel so guilty and manipulate him into staying with you?
He left and filed for divorce, she realized she could no longer manipulate him so she had the sons do it, I understand family, and how important family is, but these are adult sons who will be moving out on their own once college is over, and going on with their own lives, and probably get married, and after 10+ years, realize they too married the wrong person and it will be ok for them to leave, but it is not ok for their dad to leave and be happy, he is in his upper 50's he has a lot of living to do who knows how long we are here for.
My husband left me for another woman, and I said go, go be with her, you have one life to live and to be happy just one chance, one life and if I am not that person then you have to do what makes you happy. He left me with two small boys 7 and 4. I never tried to get him to come back and never did I play the martyr, or try to manipulate him, and let me tell you he was the love of my life, he was my everything, I have no idea how I made it through it, but it has been 14 years and life does get better. so Why would a woman want their man to stay with them if they DON'T want to be there?
I don't know, maybe I don't think right? or am I just trying to justify his reasons for leaving?
Ok I know I will get no end of stick for this and I deserve it all but I love the guy like no other.
Plainly I'm having a relationship with one of my best friends husbands. We have all been friends for a long time and have children of the same age. We do alot together as families including holidays. It's something I never even imagined I could or would ever do but it happened and I know that we put ourselves In that situation an we are the only ones to blame.
I am still good friends with his wife and have recently helped both of then though a rough patch being stuck in the middle was incredibly hard but I had to distance myself from the situation.he left but went back after a week as being away from the kids killed him. It has resulted in me ending my marriage but I did it because I was unhappy and not because of this guy. If Im honest I hope he will follow suit and he has always said IF this were to happen etc and now it's WHEN.
The difference I'm discoing with my situation compared to most others is the fact we were friends for so long before hand and it never crossed my mind to think that anything would happen between us until about a year ago. We always got on famously and one day we had deep conversations and it went from there every moment we can grab together we do even if it is as 2 families we just want to be in each others company.
We have never promised each other anything and been totally honest with each. I know some wil say married men ever are but his wife speaks to me about there relationship so I know all that is said is true but it's all so difficult bring stuck in the middle but I know it's what I deserve and more.
I told him I loved him after 2 months he never said it back but we had deep conversations about it and things carried on As normal we were happy and appreciated every minute we got together and never took for granted. We nearly got caught out by my husband at the beginning of the year and we did speak about ending it but we decided we couldn't imagine a day with out contact or that we wouldn't be together again so in turn we grew closer.
After he left his wife for a bit I decided to put my heart on the line and ask him straight out how he felt about me and what he really want so we met up to chat and it was then that he finally admitted that he was in love with me and knows that if the time ever came we would be amazing together and that he would be lying if he said it wasn't me he wanted but just couldn't bear to be apart from the kids.
That was 5weeks ago since then things have been amazing we see each other more and more alone and I know his heart belongs to me. People will think I'm foolish and deserve the worse given it's my best friends husband but we connect on every level like never before with any else its all so natural and right. There has been no promises made and I'll never ask him to leave as much as I want to as I want him to do it for himself not me but deep down I know one day we will be together. It's not about presents or anything like that as we don't exchange them it's more about the time we have together and making the most of it.
It will be interesting if anyone has been in same or similar circumstances and how that worked out. I feel guilty everyday but I have to remember to put my head in when I see her she would be devastated but I love him more than the world and he does me something like this is rate and I'm not willing to let it go but I dont want to hurt anyone either.
I am only just at the "start" of my affair. I met my MM when we were both v. Young (14/15) we didn't go out but he was obsessed with me (used to follow me/watch me/stalk me - but we were just kids) about 5 yrs ago (we are now 27) we hooked up and since then have kept in touch via text/email and a few weeks ago we met up again.
He made the 2 hour trip to see me and we spent a good few hrs together not just when we were at it but we talk forever too, laughing so much it was amazing.
I'm seeing him again in a few weeks but after reading that hub I'm starting to feel different. We are both married with kids but for some reason we just can't let each other go. I have no idea why I'm even emailing all this but I just feel lost.
I am just wondering....to all of the wives who so viciously call these OW whores....your man is a cheater and you stay with him, just to be cheated on again. So tell me how are you any less pathetic than her??
my mm married me in egypt august 19 11..he is still married in us!
Just read through all the comments since my last post and i must admit, i have to agree with what was said a few posts up, why oh why do the wives put up with it. It is now 9 months on from meeting back up with the love of my life, "the married man". We are still very much in daily contact by text and email but i only get a 2 hour visit every month since she found out in March. Our relationship isnt sexual, it is pure love for each other, neither of us is strong enough to let the other go, fair play to him, he doesnt lead me on, he wont even kiss me when he comes over no matter how much we both want it, he says he wouldnt cheat on her like that, however, all manner of cheating is going on in both of our heads. We know that we are soul mates, but he will not leave his wife, it drives me crazy but what am I really supposed to do. I know that we are meant to be together and i know that i need to let him go so he can work on his sham marriage and then find me once it is over but im scared of cutting contact in case i never see him again, how sad and pathetic is that, i would rather have a 2 hour visit a month than lose him, that is just ridiculous when i think about it.
Please ladies give me some advice, im really not in it for the sex and neither is he, we are true soul mates and we are both in love, we are just victims of circumstance and he has no strength or confidence. I want this man and i intend to get him, one day he will be mine, advice please.
Hi, I am in a situation and cant find anything even close to what Ive been through anywhere so wondered if anyone can give me some feedback cuz I am baffled by my situation.
When I was 17 ..some 24 years ago I fell in love with a guy and we started seeing each other, I was theni informed by a work mate that he had a girlfriend who was 8 months pregnant, being only 17 and somewhat stupid I accepted that his relationship was one more of a friendship that got out of hand and stuck with him, Eventually when I was 21 and had given birth to his 2nd child myself I got fed up with waiting for him and moved away to start a new life as he had left his girlfriend yes but was still not committing to me and our child but wanted to see me when it suited him ..but didn’t want to see his son at all!...I was hurt and didn’t feel strong enough to live near him as I couldn’t say no to the man I was so in love with...so moved away.
Long and short of it, he came to find me, I had met someone else and he didn’t like it and would call me when my new partner was home and cause all sorts of trouble.
Eventually after a 7 year abusive relationship with that partner My sons father and I got in contact again, my son wanted to meet his dad and I was over him so thought I could deal with it, again we started calling then it went to seeing each other and eventually back to sleeping together and that continued for 6 years but he still wouldn’t commit to me and it destroyed my confidence, I broke it off and met someone new and told him to leave me alone.
4 Years later a family matter brought us back together, he was vulnerable and I was his friend, I was still in love with him but had met someone and was trying to move on and was getting married in 6 months, he had got married also only 8 months before.
We ended up in contact regularly over the next 2 months and slept together, I started doubting my forthcoming marriage of course and he said his may not be forever as nothing is forever…I was so confused and didn’t know what to do so just went ahead with my marriage plans and tried to forget him.
After a year and a half my marriage fell apart because I was self hating and consumed with guilt, he was still married but still wanting to see me, we continued to see each other whenever we could and like always it was amazing..but his wife became pregnant, I was devastated when he told me.
He seemed to expect me to just accept it as part of what happens as he is married, but if he was happy then why was he still seeing me behind her back!, I have found out recently that he has actually been in the relationship for 10 years, of which he has only been faithful 4 years and that was because I ended it.
Now his baby has been born, all through the pregnancy he was sleeping with me up till 2 weeks prior but stopped for 6 weeks when she had the baby to play the dotting hubby n father, I know I am stupid but I still adore this man even though he is a dirty cheat and rubbish father.
We spent a night together in a hotel this weekend just gone as he was out on a stag night and invited me for the night, I went and it was great but the next day I just felt sick to my stomach that he was having so much from two women n his poor wife is totally clueless who she is married to.
I text him and said I was fed up with it and that it had to stop and he turned it all round on me, I was the one who tempted him all this time and have to accept responsibility for that fact and he only came to me because I text him but that is not the truth…he has always chased me n sought me out ever since I was 17, But now I think he is scared of losing his new born child, wife, house, new car and It would be perfect if I would just disappear now he is where he wants to be.
I feel used and stupid but still I love him and want him!!!....how the hell do I get over this man, I have wasted 24 years and he has married another woman and had a child but still he wants me, I know what you are all saying…Imp a bitch! But Imp really not…I just love him and just can’t say no to him when he calls or texts or pops in…I just melt.
I don’t want more people to get hurt, his wife doesn’t have a clue and his baby doesn’t deserve this, how do I stop loving this man? I want more than to be a long term mistress I want love and happiness, why is he doing this? Can anyone help?
I personally think, go for it.
Im having an affair with a married man...I know he has no intentions of leaving his wife, fine with me. Oh did I mention I was married....sometimes being with another married woman/man...is better....no commitments...just fun and the sex is better...
I've read a lot "she is bad/a fool/stupid for helping him cheat" and "he is bad/evil/selfish for cheating on her".
I'm coming more and more to the conclusion, both from personal experience and otherwise, that having both a fulfilling family life and a fulfilling sex life is impossible under normal social standards.
I wonder if it would be possible to raise a family with a non-romantic "life partner" and be free to explore non-permanent romantic relationships with other partner. Do others see this as a workable system?
Wow am i glad i found this. I have been having a full on affair with my MM for 6 months now. I've known him and loved him for 8 years and he was/is my best friend. I sound just like every other woman in here, how much i love him, how amazing the relationship is, how he's my soulmate etc etc and now i can see that if he really loved me, he would be with me. I am devastated but reading this has given me the strength to walk away. He has been with his wife for 15 years, there are no children involved. He told me a month ago that he had told her the marriage was over and that they were in seperate rooms, the only reason he was still there was because he had to finish a biulding project he had started on the house months ago. What a load of shit, i now realise that there will always be delay tactics. I am gutted that what i thought was so real is obviously not, and i keep hoping that he will be 1 of the ones that actually does leave, i'm so friggin stupid
WORST MISTAKE EVER GETTING WITH A MAN WHO HAS ALREADY A WIFEY NOT WORTH IT ALOT OF HEADACHES ,DRAMA ,FAMILY WILL NEVER REALY ACCEPT YOU ESPECIALLY IF HE ALREADY HAS KIDS WITH PREVIOS RELATIONSHIP IS THE WORST SITUATION EVER FROM EXPERIENCE DONT EVEN BOTHER AT THE BEGINNING EVERYTHING IS NICE AND PINK BUT ON THE LONG RUN IS DARK AS HELLLLLLL LOL
I met this married guy at work. Our conversations are very firy and full of passion from work, to life and all sort ideas and philosophy. We enjoyed each others company and conversation so much. He was interested in me and I was attracted to him. We had an affair while overseas. Now we both in country now and it is awfully awarkward that we are both married. I have a very bad relationship and was planning to move on with my life when he came on sight. I will be separating from my current hushband now and would like to have things clear for myself.However it is hard letting him go...he says he doesnt have any reason to cheat on his wife..later he admitted that his wife and him dont have a lot in common and communication apart from bills etc was non existent. The most missing thing was sex was boring. Otherwise he is very sensible and says he doesnt want to say bad things about his wife. He wished he had met me earlier and dreamt so much of having me as a wife with his children though he already has two and I have three. He was very upset when I said I will let him go. I am really confused but I wish to move on with my single life and leave him handle his marriage whether it survives or not.We have so much in common and our understanding of issues around us are very similar. I appreciate you HUB and will move on with my life.....
Veronica your advice is straight to the point and generally bang on the money.
I have been having an affair for the last 3 months. I have been a happily married man for 15 years to a beautiful wife have 3 young children and generally a text book life with all the perks and problems that normal people encounter.
A few months ago I meet a girl (early 30s) that had some wonderful ideas for a busienss I was investing in at the time and I became intreged by her and started to think about her a lot. When we meet there was chemistry and we always were professional about the situation. Until one time there was alcohol mixed and the rest is history.
we both feel madly inlove and have been widely attracted ever since.
I was not looking for this and certanly was not unhappy with my marrage. The lady is a good person that knows its wrong and is prepared to entertain anything that I might suggest that gives it the ability to stay alive. We have broken up several times and always found a reason to meet up and rekindle.
the right thing to do is perfectly clear but we have lacked the guts on both sides to end it.
We have discussed me leaving my wife and family to be with her and the enormity of the situation is horrible.
I read with interest the common themes through the above comments and that is if a man strays once he will do it again. My attitude is simple. This hurts like hell. Why would anyone in there right mind want this distraction and shameful hurt.
I woman that has an affair with a married man gets the short end of the stick. there hidden not shown off. I hate this being the case.
I really would love the courage to set this lovely young lady free so she could find an unmarried man and I can eventually live with the guilt.
I feel very sorry for anyone in this position.
asking someone to condone an affair I liken to asking a doctor if smoking is good for you. Not going to happen.
Hit me
I came across this HUB while searching for "men who abandon their families" - trying to gain some insight into my own situation and, WOW have I ever gained some of that! Not only through posts here, but also this has given me some hindsight as well, and MUCH to think about and much realization too.
Thank You, Veronica for your (very wise) input on this subject, and also to all of you who shared your stories and poured your hearts out here. Both to the OW and to the wives who have been hurt so very deeply by your circumstances. Also, to (some) of the men who posted here. I am still not through reading all the posts, but this will take days (I am a slow, but thorough reader)!
This, to me, reads almost like a good book. I say 'almost' because so many of the stories made me cry, some angered me because of the foolishness of it all, some had me cheering, but none of it made me laugh. This is an age old, serious subject and one which will undoubtedly continue throughout all of time. I can only imagine these posts continuing for eons to come...maybe...but I suspect Veronica will have to have her own server to accommodate so many posts ;-)
Now, My Story:
In 1993 I met a MM (I was 23, he was in his early 30's). He and his wife were separated and she was seeing a much younger man than herself and her husband (come to find out later, they were both unfaithful in their marriage). Yes, I knew for sure they were separated as I worked at a place where they all frequented, and my MM would later work. We also live(d) in a very small town where everybody knew everybody else' business and rumor and gossip wasn't hard to come by. I, at the time, had only lived in said town for a couple years, and didn't know many people as I didn't go out much. My MM was born and raised in this town, so he pretty much knew everybody and everybody knew him.
From the start, I knew that being with a married man, regardless of his current situation, was wrong so I tried numerous times to end our "fling", but he persisted and I of course, caved to him. He and his wife had 2 children together.
It wasn't long after we met that we began living together as a couple, with my infant son (from a very recent, abusive relationship). During the first few months of us being together, my MM went back to his wife a few or more times and they briefly tried to work out their marriage, though he would always lie and say it was because their kids needed him because their mom was gone or that's not where he was etc. etc. It was during one of those times, and one of their last, when I found out I was a little over a month pregnant. I unfortunately was not wise enough to use any form of BC.
A short time later, he was living with me full time and his wife filed for divorce and he did not contest it.
In the beginning of our 15 years together my (then MM) was so very attentive. He always bought me flowers and the sweetest greeting cards filled with words of love etc, and even when those subsided, he would write me sweet little notes before he left for work in the mornings - those ended within the first 4'ish years. We had the greatest sex I had ever had, and for once I felt truly loved for me and needed by someone I felt that I needed as well.
Also, me being so young, dumb and naive, I was secretly flattered that he would give up his family for me. In hindsight, the scenario was more likely this: His wife kicked his irresponsible, lying ass to the curb.
When our first child (a girl) was born, he was ecstatic because he had 2 boys from his first marriage and this was his first daughter who he could spoil etc. He was a good dad and changed her diapers and fed her, even all throughout many nights he would tend to her needs and let me sleep (he also did this for my son) and paid much attention to her, and to me. I thought I had found mister perfect, for awhile.
A few years later, our second child was born - a son who was born with a genetic defect which had a high mortality rate at a very early age. He spent his first month or so of life at our local Children's Hospital, and my (no longer a MM but now my live-in boyfriend and father of my children) and I would have to travel to see him. We spent many nights at that hospital while family (mostly his) took our other 2 children. He by then was calling my son his, and my son was calling him daddy.
Shortly after our son was released from the hospital to spend the remainder of his days (he was going downhill) at home with his family, my husband landed a good paying job with our county's largest employer where he eventually went through his apprenticeship to become a skilled craftsman. Our baby died at a little less than 3 months of age. The point of telling all this comes later.
We had our 3rd child together in 1998. A boy.
Fast forward to 2001 when I (finally) divorced my first husband (another abusive relationship) whom I hadn't seen nor heard from nor tried to since 1989. Admittedly I was scared and lazy about figuring out how to go about a divorce. My (still boyfriend, and father of my children) and I had talked about marriage from the start, and now we could finally do it and I thought I was ready. We married in 2005.
Fast forward once again, to 2008. He landed a better job with a large well known company, in another town a ways away from where we were (and I am again, with our children) living. We moved there, full of excitement about our better future...or so the kids and I thought. We were living in a nicer home, though the rent was double+ what we had previously paid, but with his new income we could afford it, and mine as I was seeking a job in this new town.
At this point, and for some time prior, we were struggling financially due to some very poor financial decisions on both our part, but it wasn't insurmountable, especially if/when I got a job.
We were making plans on how to overcome our financial struggles when my husband suddenly changed drastically. Although he never communicated well with me, he began talking to me less and less and started to change his personality. He was also becoming much more impatient with the kids. He hardly looked at me anymore and when he did, I saw no love in his eyes. He began to drink heavily, daily and I was disgusted at his touch and also that he would wake me at all hours of the night for sex which he couldn't even finish, when he was drunk (nightly). I was feeling very tired every day and my ass was dragging due to sleep deprivation so I began sleeping on the recliner in the living room most nights, telling him it was so I could breathe better. I was still going into our room for sex, though not every night, but then back out to the recliner I would go. I eventually tried telling him the real reason I was sleeping on the recliner, but he was too drunk to remember what I'd said to him. He stopped calling me on his lunch breaks, which he did on a daily basis before, and so my gut instinct kicked into action. Though I could not prove it, and he denied it, I knew he was seeing, or contemplating seeing somebody else. I persisted and kept bringing it up with him, and he persisted in lying to me about it. I searched the internet desperately for articles on cheating spouses and troubled marriages and I e-mailed him the best and simplest ones I could find. Did he read them? NO! He basically told me I was being unreasonable and there was nothing going on.
I resigned myself to focus mostly on our children and cook his meals but other than that, we became nothing more than roomies with benefits. The only time I saw him sober was immediately after he got home from work but I couldn't talk to him as he turned on the television and shut out all my and the kids' attempts to talk to him and slammed down the beers like they were water. He began going to bed earlier, missing dinner many nights, and eventually taking his work issued cell phone into our room with him. I knew what was going on, but didn't want to seem paranoid, so I didn't try to catch him doing anything. My gut was in knots and I cried a lot but not nearly as much as I was about to...
One day he came home after work, brushed his teeth, shaved, sho
continued...
One day, he came home from work, showered, shaved, brushed his teeth, put on clean clothes and his favorite cologne, and went out the door saying he'd be right back, he was going to the store. He came home at 4am after being gone for hours. I was going crazy with fear and worry over him while he was gone. I called hospitals and jails and even drove around to local casinos and bars to see if I could spot his truck. Nothing. In the back of my mind, it was obvious what was going on. Yes, I knew he was seeing somebody else even though he lied and lied and denied it for months to come.
While everything was still falling apart, I somehow found it in me to get a job as an assistant site mgr. at a gas station. I can't begin to tell anybody how very difficult it was to focus on learning all I had to learn at my new job, with what he was doing always at the front of my mind. I managed though and loved my new job for giving me something else to focus on. Otherwise, I might have done something crazy...I was literally getting to that point. Being lied to, knowing he was cheating and this terrible fear of losing the only man I'd ever really loved was constantly just some of the thoughts running through my mind.
Meanwhile, as soon as he would get paid (I followed his activity on our online account updates), he was taking out large amounts of cash, and often. He left nothing for the bills. Not for rent, food, utilities etc. I began driving around and all over casino parking lots (these are where many of his cash withdrawals were) looking for his truck. Nowhere to be seen so he was obviously (and later he admitted to) parking at his OW's and they would take her vehicle. I was too afraid of humiliating myself and him to go inside any of these places and risk an ugly, public confrontation. I was deeply hurt, betrayed, very cold inside, always feeling sick to my stomach and always so upset I was shaking. I had no appetite - didn't even like the thought of food. I was living on pure adrenaline, water and coffee for almost a week at a time for weeks! I lost many pounds. Not a healthy diet to be on. I can honestly, and sadly say that what I was going through was far more painful than any pain I'd ever felt my entire life - even losing my own son and my father wasn't nearly as painful...though my father was a similar to my husband, but different story...still was painful losing him a few years prior. A bit like you Veronica, my father was a big time philanderer and now I found myself driving around looking for my husband just as my mother did when I was young. How sick. I wish I'd have jumped ship before this but I didn't know how..until later, and I wanted and always sought answers from my husband. I just wanted him to tell me the truth! He never did and I found out by being nosy, months later.
Anyway, as things turned out, I kicked my husband out of the house as he was always gone anyway and only came back once in a while to grab something or sleep. He was still telling me, and to this day, insists that he loves me. My kids and I got evicted from our residence as my income alone couldn't pay the rent and buy the groceries. My husband in the few months this was going on at that place, only gave me 500 to help with the rent. That dirt bag was making 3 times+ what I was making, and his OW was making at least twice was I was. 500 wasn't even half what our rent was. I took that money and my last paycheck (I had to quit my new job) and moved back across the water to our old home, with my dear brother's help. My husband quit his new job (no notice) a short time later and followed me back here. He was very sorry and wanted to try to work things out. He was telling me that he had been staying with a co-worker and his wife this entire time, to get his head straight. Things got rough as I never did believe him and the lies he was trying to cram down my throat, and he left. Back across the water to stay with his co-worker. At least he got part of the story right.
So, the kids and I wanted him to spend the 4th of July with us, and he did. It was then I found out the truth. He always took his cell phone into the bathroom with him, and I knew why. What got him caught is that one of those times, he came out with it in his hand, dripping wet and he told me he dropped it into the toilet. The phone was open and he was holding it in front of himself. I saw on the small, outer screen that he had a new text notification so I snatched it from his hand and read the text. Ding-ding!! There was one of the answers to my many questions. The text read, "Hi sweetheart. I hope your day is going gud. luv ya!" It was from the very name he had gotten tattooed onto his upper arm a couple weeks prior. He told me the artist messed up and it was supposed to be his name on his arm (there are only 2 letters difference between his name and this other woman's name) and I fell for it!
Anyway, to make a long story longer, I blinded myself because I didn't want to know the truth to everything, and I believed his lies. He loved me, wanted us to try again as he knew we could make us work and blah blah blah...I took him back, kicked him out, took him back kicked him out...many times. Each time, he went right back where I knew he would - back to her.
One of my favorite sayings on this subject is: The best revenge you can get on the other woman, is to let her keep him!
That's exactly what I'm doing now but also feel good that I have helped to plant that seed of distrust for him in her mind. She has been very cruel herself. She told me in an e-mail once what he enjoys her doing to him sexually. She also told me that she loves him and will always take him back no matter what he does to her, and if she had him to do over again, she would in a heartbeat. She still says that after all the lies and him coming back to me. Apparently I'm not the only one with low self esteem. I know they won't last however. I found his profile on numerous dating sites and wouldn't be surprised if he has somebody else on the side over there where a side dish is so much easier to find. I'm relieved that it won't be me who he brings an s.t.d. to bed with him to. I have tested negative for everything, since learning of him and her and I intend to keep it that way. HIV/full blown AIDS looks like a terrible painful way to go and I don't wish that upon myself...him and her on the other hand...hmmm...
Anybody who would want such a loser, you're welcome to him. I'm done with him. I like myself and my children too much to put us through it anymore.
Three last things: A boy isn't getting what he wants out of his old toy and it's a bit rough, boring and hard to maneuver now . He goes out, finds a new shiny toy that's worth more money. His new shiny toy eventually winds up in the pile with all his other old toys because it just doesn't feel right and he's bored with it. It's beginning to act just like his last old toy anyhow, and he gets a new one....get the picture? These MM are immature, overly needy, self-centered little boys with low self esteem looking for comfort in all the wrong ways. They need constant attention and will get it wherever they can, with whomever they can. Nobody will ever fulfill them because they are highly unhappy within themselves. Is this what an OW will seriously settle for? I did, for 15 (and then some) years!
It is Karma and it's a real bitch. I got mine and any OW who thinks they are the one for these MM will also get theirs! No doubt about it. NOBODY is right for these guys! They are weak and when things get rough/boring/whatever, they will move right on to something new which makes them feel good again. And For those OW who say, "..but, he and I have gone through so much together..", Until you've spent as much time with these MM/MW as their wife/husband, you haven't gone through shit with him, or her. You don't know him or her at all! They are surely lying to keep you, if only for a short time. Not for your good, but for their own selfish 'needs'. Avoid them at all cost. Bad news, no good and sure to cause heartache in the end!
Another favorite saying of mine these days: If he will do it
The woman is a fool for staying in this setting when she wants more than just "fun." However, she is not responsible for the wife. Was she at the altar when this man made a vow to his wife? Face it, most men will have sex with other women during their marriages. A decent man will be very discreet about whom he chooses for such relations and will keep his wife from finding out. It is impossible to tell a man that he can only have sex with one woman for the rest of his life. Men are not wired that way. Maybe the wife just looks the other way because she very well knows the facts of life and is willing to accept what is normal for the sake of not losing security. She is the smart woman. The other woman is a ninny to think this is "real love."
THERE IS KARMA.
Generally husbands who cheat lie about their relationship with their wife. They normally have a perfect wife at home taking care of the kids, the house, satisfying all his needs and she may be working and making more money than he does. Complaining about the wife is one of the tactics men use to gain sympathy. Don't believed what he says about his wife, his goal is to make you think she's horrible. Most men cheat because they never grow up. They get married and continue their life like it was when they had mom taking care of everything and they could do whatever they wanted. Guys grow up, your wife is not a replacement for your mom. After 27 years if my husband wanted to leave, he's more than welcome to do so, but he will do it in a body bag. There is no way that I'd let him hand over my kids inheritance to some slut. There is no way I would allow him to take half of everything I've ever worked for and hand it over to some slut. We need more wives like Clara Harris, that guy got what he deserved. I wish men would just grow the fuck up, I can't stand these 50 year old teenagers.
Help getting him out of my head!!!. My husband of 18 years, is a early recovering drug addict, he started going to NA metting by court order because of physical abuse to me, he wnt to jail. while in this mettings he meet this girl 21 years old, married, heroin recovering addict, went to jail because her husband and her were selling drugs has a felony, mistaminor, eviction charges, my husband and I are separated and I moved out. then he told me that he is "in love" with her, even do she is been in court ordered rehab for the past 3 months. she is only been clean for 4 months my husband for 8 months.
Did I mentioned that my husband is 42 years old, and that my daugther 17 is 3 1/2 years younger the beloved girfriend? Even thoug it is not my proble but his and hers, I'm afraid if he relapses, becasue all the problems he has brought on himself on "loving" this junkie and that would be devastating for our daugther's well being.He does not believe and NA mettings or on a higer power, he thinks that he can do it on his own, as on the past he stayed cleaned for 12 years on his own before his last relapse.
Pleae help, want to forget about him. Gabi.
KMO that is an amazing story, thank you so much for sharing it. I might sound like an idiot here but was it worth it to have 15 years with the man you loved? Thats a lot longer than a lot of marriages last?
I have read this whole Hub, very informative and at times incredibly sad. Ladies and Gentlemen, I council married people and have done so for 36 years.
Let me first address the hot button here, the word 'whore', when I read the posts so obviously written by a betrayed spouse, with such venom and judgement, even threatening The lord an Karma and all that nonsense, - don't read those, they are written to attack as this poor woman is deeply hurting, she has to live with knowing her man has actually had relationship with another woman, the dates, the hotels, the fun and worse yet? If she stays, she will always wonder how she measures up. It's an awful place to be mentally, I myself would leave my husband, why? I would never stay with a man who could fall in love with another. And yes, these men MANY times love the mistress. I also in my years watch as the cave in, stay married, out of love? Some, VERY FEW are still in love with the wife by this time. Don't kid yourselves, they have given their love to another, they may 'love' you, but no longer in love. See the difference? They stay for the kids, the house, the financials. Sure they will tell the wife it meant nothing, but ladies it did mean alot. I speak to men every day, they many times are deeply in love with the other woman, and those holidays you speak of? For the kids, not you, they do that for their kids. Don't ever think you will know the depth of feeling and connection he had/has with his mistress! The men will never tell you the truth about the relationship, ever. He will carry that in his heart and mind. You don't think the men grieve when he has to end it? They grieve deeply. All 3 suffer. The wife? The humiliation is enormous, the other woman? Feeling rejected, the man? He had to let the other woman go. They grieve.
Ladies, as hard as it is to walk away when you find he is married? Do it for you. He is at core an unhappy man, trapped in a marriage he no longer wants to be, going through the motions. Will he leave? Not likely, they have to much to lose financially and if they have children? He will not want to hurt them. Men see walking away from their kids as the WORST they could do.
Save yourself the hurt and move on. Let him be. He just showed you he can't be trusted, he will lie, he cheats, do YOU want that man?
Wives? Why do you want a man who would lie and cheat? I know your world has been torn apart, my heart hurts for you too. Where do you go? Who do you turn to? Turn to friends and the church, they will help you with the pain- BUT the anger and how you deal with that us critical. Please do not become bitter, judgmental and arrogant. Get help. If you will think back to some of the wives postings? You could feel the anger, the judgement, the arrogance, that will come back on you too. You have a small window whereby people will be compassionate, however, IF you stay in the marraige? GET help, or it will be a life sentence of mistrust and misery and HE WILL cheat again!
Take care ladies, to the wives? He cheated! Dump him, to the other woman? He cheats! Dump him.
gmarisa092394,
I'm not one to be offering advice right now as I'm seeking counseling to get my own self "right". It's probably a good thing you are trying to forget him for as long as he isn't seeking the help he needs, there's not a chance in hell you and he could ever work your marriage out, even if you both really wanted to. Forgetting him of course will take time and nothing anybody says will likely speed that up. I hope you don't allow him back into your life, especially not until he has been 'clean' for a very long time AND gets professional help. It will never work as things are. His thinking and his judgement is very clouded and he's not taking the steps he needs to do anything about it. Very best wishes to you in staying strong. I hope you and your daughter seek support for yourselves from friends, family, counseling...something or everything. Hang in there as I know it seems impossible (I even thought so for a very long time) but you will begin to take steps outside of your situation and see things for what they really are.
To imsostupid,
It was definitely NOT worth it. I never trusted him based on how we got our start. The pain I felt in the end just drives it home...never should have happened. I really wish I could have read all this from the day I met this man. Also, another of Veronica's articles which was a real eye opener reading that and all the comments on it. It is the one titled "For Unhappily Married Men - Having Children Changes Everything, Kids Change Your Relationship with Your Husband" (the link http://veronica.hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Mar ) - I hope you don't mind me putting your link here Veronica.
I believe this all should be required reading BEFORE beginning a marriage or deciding to have children. Thank you for reading and best wishes to you also, imsostupid.
I didn't read through them all but I will share my side. Yes, I knew about the affair - I choose to ignore it for a while. However I knew. If the wife doesnt know then she is not in touch with reality by her choice. He is to blame and he will ruin your life as the other woman - you will not get the dream you have set up in your mind, think realy hard, he cann't do it for himself (leave his wife for himself to be happy - if she really was that bad) he is not going to do it for you. Im sure he told all kinds of lies to get symathy for himself - I may be a bitch, but it may be 90% because of his relationship with me, it will happen with you too, he wont change. There was also another part I knew that the other woman didnt - she wasnt the only one. So I felt sorry for her little 23 year old self - she deserved better than my husband, so I told her about his other affairs, and that I would NOT DIVORCE him (my choice - he is supporting me till I get what I want a degree) Dont do it to yourself - I know they are easy targets to find "love" but it is abuse - they are using you for the no strings attatched quick ego high. The older man looks good cause he had a job, money, a home things you want, trust me even a divorce will change all that. If he would even go through with it.
I check here regularly and really find it interesting to read others stories from all accounts.
I'm still with my mm and things are still amazing he has opened up to me more about the way he feels about me and how much it hurts knowing we could have everything together and he's so torn between me and his children. I want to shake him at times and say they will adjust mine have let's just do it but I could never ask him to leave them.
My friend and I are still as close and everytime I hear about the problems they still have I get a little more hope that they will split as selfish as that is I want him more than anything (except my kids of course) I'm not denying it doesn't hurt when I see them together, it kills me inside and I long to be the one by his side etc there's nothing more that I want than to live my life daily with him I know it won't be easy even when u take the complications of our situation out of the equation but what one relationship is easy the difference is we will talk everything though and tackle everything head on before it becomes a problem as that is te type of people we are.
Each day gets harder and harder being apart from him I ache for him to be in my bed cuddling me to sleep everynight I want to show the world what he means to as he does me. On a select few know about what's going on and they are amazing support they don't judge but listen and advice accordingly if needed but they have said they can see in his eyes and the way he is around me its genuine (they also know how he is with his wife) and how he changes when I'm there. Also they have said they have never seen me so happy and in a lot of ways that's very true, we bring the best out in each other and in otherways the worse.
At the same time would love to know if anyone else has been in the same or similar situation and how they coped or dealt with it.
It makes me laught... women are out having hundreds of men... and then they have this weird idea when they find a alpha male stud and settle down with him.. he is going to stop cheating..
Its like women are stupid little children.. and they go mad when they cant get what they want..
Ok here it is i make it real simple..
There are lots of good men in the world who wont cheat on you... but you wont like those guys.. your think they are boring or ugly..
So what will happen is you will go for the breath takingly handsom man.. and you have to get him.. because the heart want what the heart wants..
and other holly wood slogans to excuse yourself from your prostistute like behaviour..
Then you will go all shitty and mad and make weird demands like he be honest with you.
Get this you dont deserve honesty.... the women today are so immoral and dishonest themselfs..
you think of all the one night stands they are never going to tell you about..
Wow - what a lot of reading I've done!!!
I was particularly interested in your post Cancerian123. It's good to hear it from a man's point of view. In my case, I had a very brief, mostly emotional affair with a man who sounded very similar to you, married 15 years, 3 children and a marriage he was happy with. But still he fell in love with me. We were found out, otherwise it would have lasted longer than a few weeks (I'm not saying I am proud of this, but it seems most likely). We have both gone back to our marriages but there have been consequences.....
I could bag you for your crappy behaviour, but I'm sure you are already kicking yourself enough. You sound like a decent person, who would not want to hurt anyone. I get that you feel guilty, but now you are addicted to this girl.....
But chances are you are going to get found out, if not sooner, then later. It's hurts now, but it's going to hurt like hell when you have to choose between wife and mistress. Not only will it hurt YOU, are you prepared for all the heartache this will cause your WIFE when she finds out, and the tears from the MISTRESS, when you most likely choose to stay with the wife?
The thing with men is I really believe they can have strong feelings of love for more than one woman (note: I say 'feelings of love'). They can compartmentalize. No wonder they can keep their secrets so well. I am not justifying their behaviour, just explaining how I believe it is possible for them to become so tangled... Really, between the two woman, all your boxes are ticked, Cancerian123. Chances are you are probably still being a 'good', possibly even better husband than before. If I could hit and knock some sense into you I would. It is time to use your brain - it's a wonderful piece of anatomy when used! Head over heart (or other relevant body part!)
Maria - I thought what you wrote was spot on. Well said and well researched.
KMO so you think it was the having kids that ruined things for you?
I guess i'm grasping at straws, I told my MM to go away until he can be with me properly. He says he needs a couple of months to sort out selling the house etc but that he will do it. Both our children are grown up and left home and i really really want a life with this man. I truely hope that he does what he says he will do. We still talk on the phone but no seeing each other and no sex..... No more free milk for this MM :-)
I have read through all of postings, and many of them sound just like I could have written them. I have been waiting on a MM for over 2 years, and I keep telling myself that it is a mistake. All I can see is the problems that this relationship will cause, and I honestly at times do not believe that he would be strong enough to stand by my side through it all. I feel in my heart I would be left to pick up the pieces and he would be the one going back to his wife if he ever did have the courage to leave. I read this blog almost everyday to remind myself of the mistakes I could be making if I do wait any longer. I just hope this newfound strength I am gaining will get me through the next few months, so that I can move on and be with someone who is completely available and will truly be proud to hold my hand and walk down the street, not hide me from all to see. It is hard to walk away sometimes, because there are often promises made that continue to be broken and I have been hurt many times. I just need to think about the amount of time where I have been hurting vs where I have felt falsely happy(euphoric). I cannot believe that there are so many unhappy in this world, reading this makes you realize that, and right now, I am choosing to be one of them. How pathetic am I?
I giggled at the posts where the OW really thinks the wife is depressed, pathetic and clingly. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the OW for removing what was a "dead appendage" sucking the life and happiness out of our family by his constant need for affirmation, bad decisions and having his non-existent male ego stroked by VARIOUS members of the opposite sex. Oh, I wasn't happy at first being that it basically broke our childrens and my heart when he left for the OW. (she was a member of our church) But, it wasn't long before he was back crying and begging at my door in the middle of the night...The ex has never stopped proclaiming his love for me, claiming he wants to get back together. But I know better, he is a sociopath who always wants what he can't have. Now me and the OW have traded places. Though they are not married he can have her anytime he wants and now that he can, it is no longer exciting. The difference between her and myself is my legs stay closed. I don't like left overs and value myself way to much. I also don't answer his text messages or buy into the reminiscing bullcrap about, "remember when we went to the coast and spent all night laughing..." need I go on less you puke? Now that he is gone he can remember all the 'good times' and all I can remember is our child being in the NICU while I was recouping from a epidural gone wrong and he was out ...well I will never know. Cheaters want what they cannot have and who wants to live like that? I also have the upperhand having been his wife for 18 years I can see things she refuses to see: like the fact she like me is not the only one he has been with because the issue is not with her or I, it is with him and the void inside himself no one can fill..NOT EVEN HER. There will always an OW because there are alot of lonely people looking to fill a void with another empty person. I used to hate her intensly until I got a realistic look at both of them. Who sits around waiting for leftovers? He should have gotten a divorce FIRST instead of testing the waters and holding on to the past afraid to delve into the future. I know she would not come and eat the left overs off my plate after I finished. I know she would not use my toothbrush. That is too personal. Well what could be more personal than someone elses husband? So here we have a coward holding onto the past lying to someone else to get them to buy into their craziness and we have the OW lacking the self esteem to say, "Hey, I deserve better than this. I deserve fidelity, commitment and respect." You can't get that if that has been given to someone else. By the way...I am hardly pathetic. I have been the glue that has held my children together, I worked all three pregnacies while putting his behind through school, and when he left me with three kids and half the income...well let's just say God came through. I have one in college and two to go. They are great kids, I also am financially sound and successful and getting ready to run in yet another marathon. I have had plenty of offers to go out, but officially after being married almost 20 years, I am having to much fun for myself. It is really nice not to worry if someone is coming home or not, not to have to deal witht he occasional drunken spells or missing money out of bank accounts. I have for the first time something I have not had...PEACE! She really took a load off me. 220 pounds to be exact. I truly have to thank God for all that. I still believe in love and don't think all men are dirt. I still think there are truly good men out their yet I need to work on myself right now to be able to see the good ones and not the ones that are pretending to be. And most of all...I don't want my ex back. My life has been happier since he has gone. And yes, he still asks to come back even though he is still with the OW. I could warn her, but why would I want to screw that up?It is going swimmingly for me. Besides, they have good thing going, they both lie. She would just think I was being vindictive. She will learn in her own time. Although, I have to check myself because sometimes I secretly laugh at her because she does not realise she is getting back exactly what she dished out. I never thought I would have sympathy for the other woman but my question is; What is your true self-worth if you are willing to accept a man who is basically saying through his action/inaction that, 'You can't do any better than a married man. You better take what you can get.' I think it is a fair question since many OW think that somehow the wife was just lazy and self indulgent and did not cater to her husbands every whim?Instead of the truth...we are tired of his crap and are more than happy you think you can do better. Have at it! *Disclaimer: This person realizes their are men out there who have been cheated on as well. Feel free to insert she/her/whench where applicable. P.S: You are better off!
I told my boyfriends wife. I had to do it. I was tired of protecting his family when he did nothing to protect mine. I got caught, my husband wanted me out. I wanted out for many years and boy, this was an easy out!!! So, now I'm out with my 6 year old boy, doing quite well and own my own business...BUT...had it not been for my Married BF, I'd still be home with my husband and my child would be in a stable secure home. My husband was devestated by the affair as was my son, as was I. So, I felt that after a year and half, my married bf needed to shit or get off the pot.
I decided that his poor wife needed a chance to make her own decision. To work on their marriage or find true love elsewhere. What happened you ask? Well...the second she found out, he ignored me like I was a one night stand in a potato sack with no face or name. That's right...he totally denied it all, denied his love for me, denied everything and he made her so confused, she questioned if the proof before her eyes was even real!!! He made HER feel at fault and crazy!!! What an ass!!!
I even sent her a few gross video's he made of himself masterbating. I sent them to prove HIM wrong. To set her free. I don't want him back. I just wanted to take back the hurt done to my family and make him own up to his part in this ugliness.
Now he has to suffer like my family did and work through the issues that keep him in his sickness. Just like I did. It's called Karma! I felt so bad for her all the time, I kept up with him like you all did, I believed his lies. But at the end of the day, he went home to her and behind her back, emailed me, texted me, called me, skyped me naked and all from his seemingly stable home. That poor woman. I hope I helped her. I really do. I hope she was so appauled and sickened that she threw him out and turns him into the FBI for the video's he sent over the internet. I hope she's that strong!! No, I didn't do it so he would leave her to come to me!! NO!! I did it to free her, because what he was doing to me, using me for sex, lying to me, that's abuse. And I won't stand for being abused any longer. I did my whole life. But not anymore. And I see his wife as a victim, being abused by him too. I set her free!!!! Yes, she's devestated, but in time she'll come to heal and be free. Just like me!!! FREeee of abusive sociopathic cheating married ass wipes with no clue how to bring a woman to orgasm! Oh yeah, I went there....lol
Good luck to all you mistresses and wives. Once we band together to bring the Married cheaters out in to the light and expose them to their wives, the wives should then take full ownership and empower themselves to leave the asses. If you stay, you enable them. You lie in wait for their next victim while you are in the dark, he is in the dark with another woman. Get out!! leave, find a way, throw the ass out. Cheaters are mentally ill and who the hell wants to take care of a mentally ill man that cheats on you??? NOt me!!! Peace out!
HappilyDivorced!!! LOVE YOUR POST!!! Being the OW I am not insulted one bit. I also woke up and smelled the asshole. hhhahahahaa..glad he got what he deserved and now will be alone for everrrrrr...without a wife, without an OW...He's a loser and will now be an alone loser!!!
I am a married woman whos husband has gone to live abroad and left his family behind, we are not making it and are on the breadline while he books hotels for his bit on the side!!
As a full tiem working mum I wish that women and men had some respect for family as I am fed up with being treated like rubbish by my husband and his whore!
ok so i was vary good friends with a MM. I told him all man problems and he talked me though them and he would tell me how much he hates his life at home and how he only married his wife because he got her pregent and his family pressurd him into marring her and he didnt know what to get her for christmas so her got her a ring. But now after a few years of talking to eachother so much we ened up falling inlove and now i dont know what to do or if he will even leave his wife becuase he dose not want to lose his kid. I also dont want him to lose his kid i want him to happy but with me in his life.
I really don't understand some OW. You take the I love you more than anything- I want no one but you- then he goes back to his wife.
If he is telling you the truth - then tell him- I can't live this lie anylonger and be your dirty little secret- I am going to tell your wife-or better yet- I am going to tell everyone you are my boyfriend- see how he reacts. I bet he goes ballistic- If he loves you so much- he will not care. Why are you allowing him to disrespect you? If you don't care about your body- your body is the only true gift you can give to another- why would he respect it.
He is getting the greatest gift someone can give and using it and disrespecting it- he is also disrespecting his wife.
I hear so much in these posts that you are all looking for the romantic ending to a movie - he will fight for you and leave-He isn't leaving-as far as I can tell from these posts he isn't even giving it a good fight-you are like a puzzle piece that fits into his life and he can make a little time for you and pretend to others he doesn't-you are the fun ride on the rollercoaster that you go to at an amusement park- The last time I checked those amusement parks are fun to go to -but no one wants to live there.
Good luck to you all- but if you show no respect for yourself- then expect no one else to respect you as well.
My mother told me a great secret to life before she died- if you don't love yurself -then no one else will either.
Learn to love yourself- respect yourself- then you set the bar higher- everyone will respect you as well.
I really don't understand some OW. You take the I love you more than anything- I want no one but you- then he goes back to his wife.
If he is telling you the truth - then tell him- I can't live this lie anylonger and be your dirty little secret- I am going to tell your wife-or better yet- I am going to tell everyone you are my boyfriend- see how he reacts. I bet he goes ballistic- If he loves you so much- he will not care. Why are you allowing him to disrespect you? If you don't care about your body- your body is the only true gift you can give to another- why would he respect it.
He is getting the greatest gift someone can give and using it and disrespecting it- he is also disrespecting his wife.
I hear so much in these posts that you are all looking for the romantic ending to a movie - he will fight for you and leave-He isn't leaving-as far as I can tell from these posts he isn't even giving it a good fight-you are like a puzzle piece that fits into his life and he can make a little time for you and pretend to others he doesn't-you are the fun ride on the rollercoaster that you go to at an amusement park- The last time I checked those amusement parks are fun to go to -but no one wants to live there.
Good luck to you all- but if you show no respect for yourself- then expect no one else to respect you as well.
My mother told me a great secret to life before she died- if you don't love yurself -then no one else will either.
Learn to love yourself- respect yourself- then you set the bar higher- everyone will respect you as well.
Hi there,
If any of you could offer your opinion on this I would apprecciate it.
I was seeing a married man for 2.5 yrs. I absolutely adored him as he did me (well at least thats what he said and showed when we were together).
On two different occaisons 1.5yrs apart he said he was leaving his wife and both times let me down. I was absolutely devasted the first time, but this time (3wks ago) I'm not too bad. I told him it was over, I never want to have anything to do with him again and to never contact me again.
The last time he left and went back we remained friends which is a very silly thing to do when there's feelings involved.
Anyway, he has now gone back to his wife. It is absolutely over with me and him. He has hurt me, but I'll get over him, I kinda knew he wouldnt go thru with it this time jus like last time despite all his promises, so I sort of prepared myself for the worst. I will move on and hopefully meet a good available man.
However, I am torn as to whether to tell his wife that he was having an affair for the past 2.5 yrs. Before I was with him he slept with someone else I know, and this was only after he was 6 months married. He has been with his wife for 19yrs but married for 4.5.
Its just that the amount of married men that have affairs, sleep around, dont feel a shred of guilt and get away with it makes me sick. while I was with him it was me that felt bad about the affair it was wrong on his wife & kids and i didnt want to be the other woman..Had i not given him the ultimatum, he would've quite happily continued the affair.
He has now gone back to his wife, who thought it was something she had done as to why he was leaving, offering to make him a bed in the spare room or dining room etc so he would stay. The fact that he was with someone before me, then with me, and most probably will be with someone else after me, makes me wonder if keeping my mouth shut is the best thing to do.
I think its crap the way most guys get away with it. At least if his wife knows she can make an informed descision as to kick his ass out or keep him and make a go of it, but at least she knows the truth about her husband and knows that its not all her fault. And just to clarify if she does kick his ass out in the next 3 days, 3 wks, 3 years, I will never have anything to do with him again.
So, does his wife deserve to know. Should I tell her or get someone else to, or should I just leave them to do their thing and his wife can live in ignorant bliss. The plus side to which is that she doesnt have to go through the hurt and pain of knowing that her husband has been unfaithful and the children wont have to listen to all the arguing and possibly watch their dad been told to leave. But is the truth not the best. I know if it was me in her shoes I'd want to know. and I would probably want to give me a box in the mouth also. For my part in this affair i am truely sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused and if I could erase the past I would. I have never before been with another womans man, married or otherwise, and never will again. But the fact remains that married man is married and his loyalties are to his wife and kids, so why stray, and is it ok for him to go back to his life once again, and be seen as the good guy.
The last time when he decided to leave his father who had been ill for awhile passed away. All his family and extended family thought he was having a breakdown or something because he was leaving around the time that his dad died. He actually started to beleive it himself. I wonder if he had told the truth as to why he was really leaving would his family have been so simpatetic...I doubt it....Am Just sick to teeth of hearing about so many married men cheating & deceiving then going back to their lives as if nothing has happened...Statistics show that Most women who have affairs end their marraige if they are in love with the other man and want to continue the relationship....and in doing so, also still put their children first...what example are we showing kids if we remain in a loveless marraige..just for the sake of the kids....i know I would not want that for my kid.... At least woman have some respect for their husbands by not continuing to decieve and lie to them. Not all, but apparently most women in this postion put their cards on the table and come clean, take the sh*t, and let the cards fall where they may. They also still manage to take care of their kids, live life, ..Just Can't figure it out...Help!!
Dear Carly,
I have always wondering the same thing in the position I am in. The only thing that stops me from letting the world know is that I still have to work with this person and unfortunately I know it will be me that the truth affects. The OW is always the bad person, and maybe we deserve that, but all I know is this, you got out, move on, don't waste your soul on someone who doesn't deserve it. Remember Karma, it never fails.
Also Carly,
Believe me, his wife already knows that he is having an affair, women know if their gut and sense it. It is just that some men are better at lying than others. I have finally come to my senses and looked back over the past 2 years and realized, I was just blind and stupid for ever believing. I am so glad I got out unscathed and that I can now move on to some single that will truly be happy to be with me and love me for all that I am.
Firstly I am going to respond to you, Iknowitswrong, mainly because you asked if anyone else had been in a similar situation. Yes I have. I can tell you now, there will be tears, and most of them will be yours.
I will tell you a little of my story, in the hope that it may help you. I too had an affair with my best friends husband. I call it an affair, although we never actually had sex. I kissed him and I gave him my heart. That was the worst part. I almost overnight stopped 'loving' my husband and wildly loved my friends husband. Like you, we had all been friends for nearly 10 years, holidaying together, hanging out at each others homes, husbands were friends, kids were the best of friends. We connected on every level and had so much in common. So considering you are hoping that you end up with this man, it will all have to come out into the open. When it does (and it will) you know that no matter what you will lose your girlfriend. She will have been bitterly betrayed by the two people who should be caring for her most. Your kids will lose their friends, you will never 'hang out' again. And then what happens if the the MM goes back to his wife? You will be in for pain like you have never experienced. A grief beyond description if you he implements complete 'no contact'. You will never be able to see him again, talk to him, know what he is doing, thinking, feeling, or look into his eyes EVER. Yes he is probably in love with you, but don't think he doesn't still love his wife, he does. It's not a new love like yours (real but still in the infatuation stages) but she ticks many of his boxes, is probably a great mother to his kids. Do you want a man who is willing to walk away from his family? What does that say about him? Failed at one of the main tasks of adulthood, to keep a marriage together?
I respect my MM. He has done the better thing and continued with his wife. He was never really mine to have. Yes, I have experienced above mentioned pain and still, a year done the track, do at times. Yes, I too wanted him to leave his wife for me. I am thankful that he has not bothered me, because I doubt my own strength to stay away from him.
It has been a year almost since my affair and I have learned much about love. It has been a case of 'love the one your with'. I had to go back to my marriage kicking and screaming. Why didn't I leave? Because although my heart wanted my MM, my commonsense (and my cousellor!!) told me that I'd be no happier with this MM (not that he was available) or anyone else for that matter. Love is commitment not mushy feelings, nice as they are. I decided to make my marriage work. I believed that this would bring my children, my husband and me happiness. Has it been hard. Nearly impossible at times. True healing did not begin for at least nine months (in which I talked to/saw MM a few times at random and deliberately - I think we needed to debrief a bit, it for us was part of the process. It is constantly hard to not have MM in my life, not to contact him. I had to choose to love my husband. Luckily he is a forgiving, loving man, fun, caring, great Dad, good provider. We probably lack a bit of stuff in common but our communication is good. In part I love my husband better (less feelings based and more action oriented) and in someways not as well (I lack some of the romantic feelings, although they have come back in part). I am only a year done the track, so I am hopeful that our marriage will continue to get better, but I still have a bit of a way to go.
So why was I tempted by this MM? I'm not really sure, but it has made me analyse my life and realise that there was some emptiness inside, more to do with me than my marriage. I was looking for a quick fix . I need to readdress how I am spending my time, what I really want to do etc. No one else can make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness.
For all those who have just ended a relationship with a MM, well done. It is very hard to walk away. It is an addiction. You think the pain will never subside, but it does. Be strong. You will be happy again. Be patient with yourself because it takes ages!!
To Carly. Well done ending things with your MM. You know I don't think I should tell the wife. Let him go and get on with his life however he sees fit. I agree, the MM usually does get off more lightly. But it makes no difference to you what he does now. You just have to keep moving forward, doing stuff for you, spending time with friends and people that love you. Don't look back. Try not to hang out with anyone that knows your MM or his wife. OUt of sight, out of mind.
Just one comment about women leaving their husbands because they are having an affair and want to be with the new man. I think that is because they get so sweep up their emotions they can't see straight. Luckily for me, my MM went back to his wife. At first I was staying for the kids, but you know what you can redevelop the love for your husband if you give it time. There might not be 'butterflys' but it can be a true and mature love. I think men stay with their wifes because they never stopped loving them. Like I said in above post, I believe men can love two women concurrently. So it makes sense for them to stay with the one they have made promises too. And certainly they don't want to abandon their kids. But like Maria says, they grieve when they have to give up the OW.
Anyway - sorry this was so long!
Guardedheart9 thanks for your response i find it so difficult to walk away I've tried a couple of times but each time I can't see it though. He has said he never wants me to feel like the ow would rather it ended and in honesty most of the time I don't when we go out it's always me and mm doing the talking playing with the kids etc. My friend is not a natrual mom and finds it difficult with the kids I help out alot and that's how they get through school holidays etc but she does love them unconditionally as any mother wld and does she favours one over the other and that's hard to see. The problems gave even there since there eldest was born. He does love her but isn't in love with her and of course they have connections they always will I know and understand that I expect nothing less. But what we have is something they never have and I know this from her she has made comments on how well we get on. I have weighed up all the pros and cons of this situation and I don't want to lose her but I know it's how it will end up if we are ever together. But we deserve this happiness we constantly make others happy now it's our time we have wheels in motion I just hope that it all works out it's a love I've beaver felt before
Hi there,
Thank you for all your comments, thery're really appreciated. I guess im going to do as you said and just move on with my life and let him live his. I just hope that he gets his dose of karma and feels some of the hurt. The gas part is, I know now and even knew then that rule no.1 is to never get involved with an attached man, married or otherwise, I still did. We dont always choose who we fall in love with, but there is a time when you think 'hey, this guy is married/attached, get out! and you start justifying stuff, telling yourself were only friends..bla bla... The first night he kissed me I kissed him back...If only I had to back off...and say Hey! your married dude! get a life!.... If only life was that easy..Ah well, we live and learn..and what a hard lesson to learn that is...Anyway, best of luck to everyone out there in a similar situation...xxx
i'm a mistress of a married man.he has no children and i do have 2 kids. my husband is always away from us because of his work. I tried to be faithful for 6 yrs. but sad to say i was not that strong and happy to resist temptation. He came into my life when i was really down. Everytime my husband calls, all of his concerns is about MONEY...i'm not irresponsible when it comes to money.Instead of asking how's the children or me, he's talking about the money he is sending us... i just want to feel how to be loved and the sense of belonging. i never thought that i would feel this way to this married man. It's like, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, the most important person. we even have plans of living together in other country because we don't have a chance to be together in our place. I don't know which way i would take?
Doubtful - are you happy with your situation? Do you wish you were with your married man fulltime? Do you want to fix your marriage, can you rekindle anything with him or think back to when/why you married him? Which man do you want? What about your children? It's a complicated way to live.....
Iknowitswrong - I understand the difficulty walking away. I don't know if I could have, but in the end I didn't have a choice. I really feel for you. It is an impossible situation. You have already lost your heart to this man. You know that at some point it will all hit the fan and you will have to deal with the fallout. It's going to be very hard.
The question is, will he leave his wife for you? I asked and got a 'NO'. At least that allowed me to move on. Maybe you should work out some sort of time frame. You can't live like this forever? If you end up together can you deal with the stress of his broken family etc. He will lose is kids (at least seeing them everyday). My MM was not prepared to give up his kids. Men have a lot to lose in this way. Also men really can love and be satisfied by two women. The wife satisfying some needs, and you others. They are built that way. They don't feel the need to chance things like we do.
Carly - don't beat yourself up, these things happen when we are not prepared. Learn from it. Next time you have the opportunity to be involved with a MM, guard your heart. Think 'what is best for me'. Remind yourself that you deserve a man who is loving only you. I know I have learned A LOT. Whilst I still enjoy male company I will not go there. That is a whole lot of heartache I don't need in my life. His karma - don't worry, he probably loves you and misses you, and hasn't got a very good marriage. If he doesn't confess, then he is not being truthful and they will never work through their issues. You are not stuck. Now you are free!! I know it is painful, but you will heal. Remember to look after YOU. Do things you love. Work on yourself. Be happy in yourself then you are more likely to attract the right sort of man.
I have been in a 4 year "mistress" role if you will. I have been having relations with a man who is married. I am friends with the wife as well. I am not in love with the man but do love the things we do together. Is this wrong? His wife doesn't put out. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one of his "girls" either. But I am not emotionally connected like a lot of the posts that I read here. Anyone else in the same boat?
Hey i enjoyed all these posts from everyone's point-of-view. I love it. WEll i have been dating a guy who is 37yrs old and im pretty young(in my teen)for 18 months now...anyways he is a married guy for almost 8 years. His wife is in another country and both of them are working and so on...dey hav a son almost 3 years old...well he is a diplomat and wasn't living very far from me. So now that we have become friends he told he 'in a friendly way' that he's been divorced and is now looking for girl to settle down with. He is hot and is a canadian. I'm attracted to this man he's very charming, sensitive, supportive and everything in the book...u name it..he is. Anyways 7 mths have past and we became intimate (i.e having sex) and i cross questioned him and he said he and his wife is going through a divorce. The other week now he said he is going to see his son but his wife will be out of the country so they won't be seeing each other and so on...so i felt secure and comfortable with that. and at that time i wasn't that crazy for im so maybe it's ok. He came back and we continued the 'relationship'. He is rich and he supported me in every way u can think about. But his money wasn't everything. Now we are 'in love' he told me he love his wife yes but he is in love with me. Then another 5 mths have past and he said he will be getting a divorced (code red) I was shocked and hurt and i lost every happiness i had in me. My parents knew about him but not the married part for they would not have accepted him. Now he moved to another country i.e in jordan and im still here going to college. He didnt contact me often at first so i thought maybe he is on a divorce and been very busy. After 3 mths he decided to call back i was freaking happy but i didnt get carried away. He told me he was busy ad blah blah blah nothing about the divorce. Next i read his wife's blog and saw they have a happy marriage and a happy life with their son together. So i was like why is my boo lying about things like that even though he isn't gettin an sex from me? He keeps sending the cash every month and both of us show alot of respect and interest in each other. If he see im chatting with my ex on fb he would complain it to me saying he don't like it and so on. So now things have been going great between us and we cat everyday and we cam like atleast 6 hrs a day. In couple months things have changed because i saw some changes in his life. Like his wife is going to visit him because his son is small and can't travel so she has to carry him to my boo. And then he wouldn't cam wit me we hardly chat and when her visit is over my boo and i are bck to normal. I kept asking him if he is still with her and he said they are still married but he is not with her in practice and so on. He is lying to me everyday and it hurts me to know im waiting on him and he is lying to m. It's so unfair. Don't you think? And plus i know he has a happy marriage but was just having some fun because his wife isnt with him. And then when i told him he is cheating he would jump down my liver and denies it. He made me look like the bad one and like m the one at fault who is cheating. But im not the one with the 'ring', he is. I can't believe how he would twist things like im at fault and not him. He is a manipulative sucker! I hate him for twisting things around on me. I cried for so many nights. And one day i said your wife should catch you out and he threaten me saying that if i tell her that it means im messing with his son because she will never want me to meet my son again. And that he will fuck me over with all the power he has :( ouch thats hurts!!! Heis so soft spoken and so quiet..damn!! i didnt see that one coming. So yesterday i told him i dnt want anything to do with him but i know he will come back with some sad story about his so-called divorce just to get back with me...Can someone tell me y he is doing this? He has such a lovely wife..y is he cheating on her...i average they have like the best marriage ever!!! Trust me he didnt tell me anything i just read his wife's blog and i got the truth. I always wantedto tell her but im scared if he fuck me over cuz i knw he would...:((
@the other side i have been in a 5 year "relationship". We are friends and I do love him but I don't want him to leave his wife. We are great friends and we talk all the time. It is a great friendship with great sex but that's all. I don't want the wife role. I have my own children and was married before....I don't want to do it again. I get all I want from him and nothing more. He and i were dating and he went back to his ex girlfriend to try to "work things out" she got pregnant but we continued to see each other throughout the pregnancy and the marriage etc.... I'm sure that will anger some wives out there but it works for us.
Have to ask whether you'd be okay if you were the wife and your husband were doing it to you. Answer: You'd have to be in order to be "right". I would not get involved with a woman who had a history of this behavior unless she had reconciled and it was a long time ago. But, I'm sure she would lie about it. It is extremely selfish, narcissistic behavior.
The quickest way out - Tell the guy you are seeing someone else. This is one way to drive a wedge between u and him. Its the language they understand....(she is having SEX with someone else implants quite well in their brains) as usually this is their only motivation to be with u even if thats not what they say. This is one sure way to get rid of a man u don't want or need in your life. He lies to to u so no need to feel bad to lie back at him to get u back to a healthy world. He'll back off and make your emotional healing possible.
For starters, I don't believe in the harsh criticism about Mistress Carly, every relationship has a bit of a story behind it, and it is not as easy as just saying "Don't Do It Fool". I know some women have been completely lied to and others that know the deal. I myself have been with my wife for 12 years (married for 8 years). We have one beautiful daughter and a great supportive family. I would say about 3/4 of it is great, but the last 1/4 has been thrown aside and is extremely rusty. Sex is not the same with us anymore. We have tried to work on it, but we just don;t connect in a way that gets me excited and feels forced. I know we love one another, but it has become very family regimented. We are a cute couple and on the outside you would think we were perfect. Over the years I have dabbled in short term affairs. Some good some bad, and most of them don't last because feelings got in the way or just not being realistic enough. I had some run ins with a Husband and an ex boyfriend, so I have stayed somewhat "good" for a while and from time to time enjoy and old lover who likes to play. It;s interesting how I find plenty of women are open to being with married men, and some that even know my wife. Recently I met a wonderful younger woman though friends and we decided to meet out in NYC. I was not sure if she knew I was married or not, but was planning telling her anyway. Though she is incredibly beautiful, I was not concerned about "Hooking up" but just having fun with her out on the town. After I told her my relationship status, she was slightly taken back and a little and bummed that I was not available. But it all worked out and we went out anyway. As the night progressed we started to get closer and we kissed. Once out lips connected it was as if they were meant to kiss. Of course all of that amped up our night and we had a great evening out. In fact we were out so late I ended up staying over her place and whoops... We engaging in sex. The next day or so we talked about the "Situation". I am very straight forward and realistic and not looking to ruin anyones life here, but at the same time I admit I am selfish in what I am need too. My "Girlfriend"felt this "situation" was perfect since she had career goals of her own which including leaving the country and felt she didn't need a full on relationship.. I though all that was questionable, but I am willing going along with it for now if we stay cordial can communicate with one another. Like any new love we have been seeing each other as much as we can for the last three months now. We get together at at least once a week for a date and sometimes I stay there. We have become really close to one another and have fallen in love as well. It is pretty intense and becoming very confusing for the both of us. For the most part we have a great time, and then there are times we have to speak our mind. Luckily we are good at communicating and it we both know what we signed up for. She gives me a feeling I wish I had in my marriage. Though it is new, I am just looking at the over all picture. However the question could be asked, would she give me all of what I need if I were single? Would I be all of what she needs and wants too? Probably not, but what I am getting at is: If you are dating someone who is married, and you think that your love will pull them in your direction. Well there is a lot to consider. It may seem easy to ask them to "Just get a Divorce" but it is not so simple. There will be tons of emotions and baggage that is not worth sticking around for. If you name gets dragged into it you will be starting off on the wrong foot, and most likely will see things that you really don't like in your lover anyway throughout the process. Most women want their man, but once all said and done, they prefer them the the way it was when they were married. Odd right? Now for the Married people (Me) There is no good reason to leave your wife (or family) for anyone other then for yourself. I have told my "Girlfriend" that if I were to make a move like that, I would not want her involved and not to rely on her to be there in the end when all the dust settles. I love this woman and would not want to be known as the home wrecker. It's my problem not hers. So in order to have a life with her, it would have to take a gamble on setting her free so I can sort out my own head to be worthy to her. In saying that, I am not in a place where I could move like that. We actually need each other right now as we raise our daughter and companies. It;s not like we are not loving, just missing intimacy in a big way. So as I see my "Girlfriend" grow more and more in love with me, I try to keep us in perspective. It's not easy once you get emotionally invested. It's a hell of a lot of work on the married end to have an affair with a single woman. It's much easier with a married woman who is in the same predicament. BUT I would say to Carly or any mistress who has fallen in love: It's really up to you on what you want for yourself. Your lover should understand what you are going though and have the balls to let you go to make you happy. If you take the gamble and set him free (at least for your own sake) then he may come back to you under the right circumstances clean and clear. And hopefully you can have a real "Open" relationship together. If not then you need to figure out a new life for yourself. 4 year in hiding is a long time. Makes it hard to get back into circulation without being judge. So good luck with your predicament.
I know anyone reading this will think I am a callous, weak man and I should have my balls nailed to the wall. Believe me I understand, but at the same time have altered my mind a bit of how I see marriage in the long term. I look at my own family to see if it is hereditary. My parents have been together for over 45 years. They are very loving and happy, but I am sure they are not getting it on as much as they would like. I look back and know they have affairs thought my childhood. Maybe it helped them realize how much they really love one another. Who knows. I guess I am OK with the idea of Life Outside of Marriage and when I turn the tables around I don;t get sad if my wife would do the same. Sometimes I wish she would just go out and get laid. Maybe it would bring some excitement to our lives.
So I am not sure if I am any help, just letting my thoughts flow on the subject. If you are willing to get involved, Stay realistic on both ends and go over where you are at in your relationship at least once a month.
Dear Carly
I understand what you are going though and you feel deceived. He really toyed with your emotions, but there has to be two sides to it. Do you actually think you would feel better knocking on his wife's door and telling her how you enjoyed her husband heart for the past 2 years to get revenge? What would that solve. If anything, you would be making it even easier for him to get out of his marriage and really go nuts. It's not easy to be married and fall for another woman. The running around, making excuses, trying to not smell like her., mentally blocking out all the conversation you had and not slipping, Hoping you don't say anything in your sleep, or run into anyone you know, etc... I've done it's hard to play.
I actually know a bunch of women who have affairs and live life with their husbands like it is not happening. So that theory in my book is wrong. Lots of people can't afford to get a divorce and will turn their cheek to just get though it until the time is right.
If you want to get revenge. Move on with your life and be happy. Believe me he will be miserable where he is. Even if he goes out and finds another woman, he will have to do it all over again and always wish he was on the other side. You made it easy for him and now it is even tougher, Now he just has a break to be a family man again. I was dating a married woman for about a year and a half. We lived in two different cities and she was ready to dump her husband. He somehow went though her stuff, found my number and called my cell phone as some crazy hour as well as my work and left me some threatening messages. I was not scared of him as I felt the sadness in his voice by the things he was calling me. He had done some research and knew what I looked like. I already had done the same back in case of anything like this, but I kind of wanted to talk to him since he already knew. I though well if he wants to be a bad ass and try to fight me, and break up my marriage it will solve nothing, but me enjoying his wife and kids on his turf. I mean why would I let someone get the better of me who can;t realize it was not my problem, but his. He went away and nothing came of it, but in all reality what would you solve. She most likely has a sense or is content with the way her family operates. You are not playing the good guy card being the mistress. Keep your name clean and enjoy a new man. Hopefully you will run into your ex and his family some day and have the brightest smile on your face as you hold your new mans hand the way you always wanted too.
Back when I was in college, a married transfer student came and lived in my on-campus community. We became friends and he would tell me about his family back home and we would speak his native language sometimes. One night he made a move on me. I found him to be attractive, and there he was propositioning me to take me to bed. It would have been my first time. It was really tempting to say yes. But guess what?
It didn't happen.
From the moment I realized his intentions, I felt sick. He made it as far as putting his hand on my thigh, and I stood up, pretended to be drunker than I really was, and left. There were no kisses, no promises, no mutual or consensual touching, no hugs, no sex, nothing. Why not? Because I thought about how his wife and how betrayed she would feel when (not if) she found out. Yeah, that's right: my reason for not sleeping with this attractive attentive guy was because his wife, a woman I had never met, who wasn't there to tell him not to do that, would be heartbroken and hurt. And his two kids...? I felt even sicker when I thought of how his kids would feel when they learned that daddy tried to put moves on a woman who wasn't their mother. That he was unfaithful to mommy.
I stopped myself and him out of respect for his wife. Even now, I wish I had never gotten us into that position to begin with. When you get married, those vows are not just for you two. They are for all of society to recognize.
How can you justify hurting someone else so deeply? It doesn't matter if you know her or not, how could you justify breaking her heart? Sleeping with a man who she loves, sleeping with THE MAN that ONLY SHE sleeps with? How could you justify stabbing her in the back when you spread your legs?
There would be far less cheating among men if there were more sisterhood among women.
Many other women here are commenting that they're not bad people, that they're led by their hearts, that they don't intentionally wreck homes. The wives who respond are not criticizing you on what you did or did not MEAN TO do: we're criticizing you on what you actually DID. You may not have meant to wreck our homes, but by sleeping with our husbands, that is exactly what you have done.
And while I do hold the other woman accountable (as a child, I witnessed one parent betray the other, and had to deal with the other woman taking that parent's time and energy away from me), I hold the husbands much, much more accountable. He doesn't get away scot-free. For him to do such a terrible thing to a woman who pledged herself to him, in marriage, is despicable, immoral, and makes him one of the worst kinds of scum. And for him to lie to another girl about being single and available (although if she knew he was married, I find myself shaking my head at her selfish actions), is that much more cruel, as he takes her feelings and crushes them too.
There is nothing acceptable about cheating, nor about being part of infidelity. Absolutely nothing justifies it. Nothing justifies stabbing the person who swore to protect you in the back.
To Carly (and any other women who are in a similar situation)..
First off, good thing that you walked away from your MM. He is a liar and a cheat. And you probably deserve WAY more.. He will eventually have to face his deception. Just have nothing to do with it. It's difficult to walk away from anyone, once your heart is involved. So why continue, you know?
As far as letting his wife know, it all depends. See me peronally, I would want to know if my husband was messing around on me. We have a family. We share a life. I give him my all. So if he did something like that, I would want to know so I can take care of me and move on. BUT not all women are like that. Some dont want to know. But honestly, I am inclined to believe that she probably DOES know.. I mean, us women by nature, we KNOW when something isn't right. Its so much more so with our spouses. We just know something is off. She probably has a few clues to it. But just like everything else in life, it will come to light eventually and it will be on him. Just have nothing to do with it....
I hope you find what you're looking for in a loving, AVAILABLE and faithful man.
To your question
To imsostupid
You are not stupid at all. You simply believed this man in your life. Why would he lie? That is what I asked myself and have been asking myself for 2 years. Why would he continue to lie? We don't want to believe that there are people out there who would say they are leaving their spouse, yet continue to cheat on them and mislead the other woman. When I read that your man had made the excuse of having to finish a project on his house before leaving his wife, I had to reply to your post. There will always be an excuse. My MM's excuse was first he needed to get thru his son's wedding. Then his wife was having surgery. Just as soon as she is back on her feet. Just need to make sure that she handles her job ok for awhile since her surgery. Have to save some money first. Have to pay son's rent and son's fiancee's medical bills. I don't want to hurt my wife, so I need to leave gradually (been 2 years), and last but not least, I need to finish putting the new shingles down on the roof, and possibly knock a wall down and put up new sliding glass doors so the dogs can go out into the back yard. When I type all of these excuses, it almost seems comic, but it isn't. My head and even my teeth ache from crying so much as I come to terms with the fact that the only thing this man I love is good at is lying, cheating, and manipulating. If the man in your life and mine were decent, they would set us free with the truth, or leave their wife. But they do neither. They lie, cheat and manipulate and tell us that they love us. That "HONESTLY" they are going to leave, that they even told their wife they were leaving, but .... the time has to be "right". I have lost 2 years of my life waiting for each obstacle to pass (the wedding, the surgery, etc) just to be bombarded with new excuses. Your MM does not want to be with you. My MM does not want to be with me. Finding the ability to accept it is difficult. I work with my MM. And I believe I could move on if it weren't for that problem. I have no idea how to heal and move on when I have to see him everyday, laughing and flirting and having everyone believing that he is a great guy. Nobody knows the truth except for me. He is a cheater. He lied to me about his marriage being over and he strung me along for 2 years. I stronly urge you to get out sooner than later. I never realized how quickly 2 years can pass. Time that I can never regain. Stop your affair at the 6 month mark and heal. I sometimes want to die because I know I can not heal properly since I work with my MM. I know what you are going thru. You are not alone. I am sorry these men exist and that we believed them.
I first met my married man 3 1/2 years ago at work. We became close as he constantly called me for relationship advice. I tried to give him advice to help him make his marriage work as I actually liked him and his kids were young. We did end up sleeping together but only after he had told me the relationship was over and they were just living together cos he had nowhere else to go. I beleived this as he used to spend weekends with me and his children. I now believe he only brought the kids to me to hurt her. Then he got his own place. She kicked him out. At first things were great. Still spending weekends together with his kids, then suddenly he decided I couldn't see his kids anymore as she would stop him seeing them if I did. I should have ended it then but I was too stupidly in love. Despite having his own place we saw each other less. Once a week and sometimes he would ignore me for a fortnight and then beg his way back into my life. About a year ago I realised he was not taking the kids to his flat at weekends anymore and he admitted he was staying at hers at weekends and sometimes in the week too but only for the kids sake so they could see mummy and daddy together. I was stupid enough to pretend to beleive it. Just before xmas last year he took me out very publicly, held my h.and in public and acted like the loving boyfriend for all to see. I was so happy. Then he ignored me for 3 weeks. About a week before xmas he begged me to go see him and talk. I went to his flat and he tried to have sex with me as soon as I walked through the door. I refused as he had treated me so badly. But he forced himself on me while I cried throughout. I loved him so much that even after that I went out for dinner with him and stayed at his place as I knew if I caused a scene I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. But after all that he ignored me for 3 weeks over xmas anyway. I still let him beg his way back into my life afterwards. Things were good for a while. Things were always good as long as I was there when he needed me and dissapeared when he didn't but never confronted hi. If I confronted him he would punish me by ignoring me. In about March he called and said he had had to let the flat go as it was being sold and had moved back in with her until he got another flat. They were not together did not have sex and he would get another flat. I originally got emotional about this but like I said if I ever got too emotional or confrontational he would punish me by ignoring me. So I intermitently have pretended to beleive him. Since he moved back with her he has told more and more lies to get what he wants, a couple of hours of sex with me once a week at most. He hasn't taken me out since or stayed with me. He keeps promising me he will and I keep being nice to him so I don't lose the little bit I have of him, on the grounds I'd rather have that than nothing. Why do I think I love such a nasty lying cheat so much that I am convinced my heart will break if I lose him. In the time I have known him I have fallen apart at work over him so many times I can no longer work there. The whole world thinks I am an idiot and I nkow I am. I actually worry about my sanity that I have persued this and let it mess up so much of my life and yet still I would tell you I love him. I have ended it so many times with long emotional text messages but he always begs his way back with lies. Since finding this I have ended it for the last time. I have finally found the strength from reading this to mean it. Its the first time I've done it and not fallen apart. I usually get drunk and cry afterwards. This time I have managed to get on with my life and smile. I feel very sad and sometimes want to cry but I don't. I have week moments butthey are moments not days. I shall continue to read this in the hope it gives me the strength to ignore him if he calls again. Thankyou all so much
You are so right about the work thing. The fact that I had to work with my MM was at times my reason and always my excuse for not ending it for 3 1/2 years. He was somebody who I would always have to rely on for certain types of help at work should I need it, so when I did end it, even civily and in an adult rational way he would be really publicly nasty to me at work and make it very hard to do my job when inevitably anything that he should help with as part of his job went wrong. I decided about a month ago that the only way I could dump him and really mean it was to walk away from the job and in effect my carreer as well. I personally think your sanity has to be worth more than any job, whatever your situation. And I think you're right imso stupid, it is impossible to get over somebody that you have to see every day. Well only time will tell if I'm right or not but at least being off work gave me the time to find this site.
Guidedheart9 It would be incredably hard if it all came out but I have dealt with a lot if shit in my life and I feel we wld get though it together we already have in the relationship as my ex found out it was difficult but we came out stronger by no means would it be easy and it wld take a lot of time and no doubt a lit of tears will be shed on both sides. His kids are the most important thing I will never ask him to leave her he has to do it for himself else I believe it wld never work as he has to be in the right frame mind to cope with seeing the kids less. He is my life and I feel so lonely when he's not here if I tell him he comes even if for a 5 min cuddle and that shows me alot it's not an easy situation but we need each other and are so in love
To others mm do lie continually but not always to us ow they have to lie to the wives else we wld never see them that's wrong and yes if we ever had them fully they may lie to us too but it's a rusk u have to take are u willing to? Also it depends on how well u really know the mm my mm I have know 8years and have always been friends I can tell when he lies always have and thata a huge difference to a lot if these situations mm will tell u what u want to hear unless they truly love u it took mine 9months to tell me he loved me and rarely says it since even tho I tell him and I appreciate that as nice as
it wld be to hear I can tell by the way he looks touches and kisses me etc. So what im trying to say is how well do u really know him if u met and started it will probably be 90% lies but if u were friends for years more likely to be truthful ESP if u never intended on this happening. I am guilt ridden for my friend it kills me but I feel so much more for him but In some ways it helps as I know everything us the truth as she confides in me as we are very close
I hope that all makes sence x
Guidedheart9 It would be incredably hard if it all came out but I have dealt with a lot if shit in my life and I feel we wld get though it together we already have in the relationship as my ex found out it was difficult but we came out stronger by no means would it be easy and it wld take a lot of time and no doubt a lit of tears will be shed on both sides. His kids are the most important thing I will never ask him to leave her he has to do it for himself else I believe it wld never work as he has to be in the right frame mind to cope with seeing the kids less. He is my life and I feel so lonely when he's not here if I tell him he comes even if for a 5 min cuddle and that shows me alot it's not an easy situation but we need each other and are so in love
To others mm do lie continually but not always to us ow they have to lie to the wives else we wld never see them that's wrong and yes if we ever had them fully they may lie to us too but it's a rusk u have to take are u willing to? Also it depends on how well u really know the mm my mm I have know 8years and have always been friends I can tell when he lies always have and thata a huge difference to a lot if these situations mm will tell u what u want to hear unless they truly love u it took mine 9months to tell me he loved me and rarely says it since even tho I tell him and I appreciate that as nice as
it wld be to hear I can tell by the way he looks touches and kisses me etc. So what im trying to say is how well do u really know him if u met and started it will probably be 90% lies but if u were friends for years more likely to be truthful ESP if u never intended on this happening. I am guilt ridden for my friend it kills me but I feel so much more for him but In some ways it helps as I know everything us the truth as she confides in me as we are very close
I hope that all makes sence x
Veronica- Love your advice and post! I have lived all my life with a sense of self-worth and integrity. Until recently, I was about to stumble when I met a MM , but my mind is now cleared back up again . I am gonna block him out of my life before it even starts!! thanks ! your lines and the post of some of the commentators here are lifesavers! Keep up the good work of your advices Veronica. :)
I so agree with your response. I just found out I have been cheated on for years now.... I found out a few months ago and confronted my husband... he stopped for a while and a couple of days ago I found out she is still doing, This just tells me he does not care about our relationship and about my feelings. We have 9 month old twins that I feel bad because they will end up living without his dad by their side but I don't want this in my life. I have never cheated on him, i have always respected him... and now looking back to all the things he did, i know he does not deserve to have a wife that loves/respects him as much as I do. I moved out a couple of days ago, and even thought it will be hard to forgive and forget, I will give it a try. I know I won't be dating anytime soon but I will come back from this one, with my babies I will be strong and will get my life back.
Goodbye girl thank you for your comments, I am still stupidly hanging in there although i have cut off the sex. He is still ringing me 3 or 4 times a day and still tells me that he loves me and that the marriage is over. He talks about us being together for xmas. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him till xmas. After that it will be goodbye forever.
Maybe i'm an idiot but i love this man too much to not give him this chance and spend the rest of my life wondering "what if"
I am a married woman and have challenges in my marriage, my husband has erecticle dysfunction so we have been trying to address this challenge however, I took some money from our account and went on to spend it and it angered him so much that he confided in his boss who then asked that I meet him and I believe then, he was genuinely interested in trying to help.
As I related my side of the story to him, little did I realise that my husband's boss (have known him for over 17years and spoke very highly of me to my husband prior to our dating)had had feelings for me and this was like an opportunity for him to express himself.
It is very sad but I must admit that I gave in because everything happended so quickly and I was very vulnerable and he played his cards welll.
A week later, I realised that I was falling deeply in love with him and needed to end it. I wrote to him and told him point blank that I was not going to stoop so low, I am not marriage wrecker and hope he too, isnt so we must end it before it gets mess and hurts everyone involved.
I am glad that I didnt allow him to deace his wife around me but he has since gone quiet and I am glad I at least communicated my position and am now trying to work things between my husband and myself. I also have not said anything to my husband and am dreading to, his boss is a very influential figure in society (both business and politically). I hope I did the right thing for myself and just in case my husband finds out, I will dealw ith it then but am happy that I am not being lied to and used by a married man
I stumbled onto this and would like to share my story.
I’m an Asian lady in my 30s, recently separated from my husband, we have a child.
I met a married man in his 50s in Nov ’09 in an office. He’s married for 24 years and they have a boy (22years old) and a girl (18years old).
Nothing happened till last year May, he started to show attention to me and his love was going strong. We met almost everyday after work. I fell in love with him.
He’s a family man, he used to go home right after work. To cut the story short, his wife started to notice the changes in him as he comes home late, and he used to tell his wife about me (that was before we started). They quarreled quite a bit because of me, this year Feb she took action. She told her husband’s cousin that she intends to divorce him. His cousin felt there was a need to tell him, so he knows, he was taken aback by his wife’s decision. Anyway, the divorce didn’t take place. I think she just wanted to test the water, I told him if she was serious to divorce him, she won’t be telling his cousin. These days she tries to be more loving to him. Whenever she sends him text message it always start with dear and end with love you. But, he never reciprocates. He already told me he can’t leave the family because he can’t see the children have divorce parents. I’m greatly affected because I’m seeing him lesser and lesser. I don’t get his weekends and public holidays. He knows what I’m going through, he told me he suffers the same, his heart was not with the family when he’s physically with them.
We used to meet everyday but now because of his work, he’s tired most of the time, so he’ll go home, another reason is the wife has been calling him to tell him that I want you to come back for dinner or I want you to send the children here or there. The wife is also working but she goes home very early. I tried leaving him many times but we always patched up, we never had sex because he respected me as a married woman. We both wanted to have sex very much but he wants me to officially divorce my husband first. I get jealous when his wife gets his time, actually I know we don’t have any future, told him the same. But, he likes to think otherwise. Recently, I told him to promise me to stop having sex with his wife and he did. I believe his words and so far the wife has been trying and trying. It’s been a month but I don’t know how long he could stand because he has his sexual urge too.
I am 35 years old, have been married for 14 years and have 2 children under teenage years. I have been having an affair with a MM for 7 months. I openly told my husband months before I had the affair that I was no longer IN LOVE with him, but I haven't been able to come clean with him about the affair as the MM is someone he knows! I have only recently been honest with my family and told them. The MM is 47 years old, and has an older daughter, but has told me that he feels that he is too old to "start again" at his time of life. He openly tells me that he loves me and I have expressed my love for him on numerous occasions, and I realise that this relationship is going nowhere but I still can't seem to walk away!! As I have read in lots of previous posts, the advice seems to be WAKE UP HUNNY, but every time I do try to stop texting, or meeting up with him, I am not strong enough and I find myself in his arms, feeling the elation and the love, and I am right back to square one again. I miss him when I am not with him, and I know he feels the exact same way about me. But - he has no intention of leaving his wife! He tells me he has never met anyone that makes him feel the way that I do. I feel the same way about him. I get butterflies when I know I'm going to meet him. Surely, if his wife wanted him, and I mean REALLY wanted him, then she would make more of an effort. They had an anniversary recently, and she couldn't even drag herself away from work to be there for him. They had to cancel their meal, and he certainly didn't get any sex. To me she isn't fighting to keep him.
i had an affair with a married man for 9 months, my husband found out and attacked him, now i am 3 months pregnant by the married man and his wife just found out, i feel really bad about what happened she wants me to abort the child which i refuse to do. i have 4 children with my husband, and my husband is willing to raise this child with me and our children as if it was his. this guy told me the same things he was leaving his wife, he loved me more than he loved her,he told me more about him than his wife knows and knowing all that i know made me realize he wasnt what i wanted anyway,and most recently i found out he was sleeping with other girls also. i told him to leave me alone and go back to his wife but by that time his wife found out everything, but i refuse to talk to her bc theirs no point anything i have to say will only hurt her, so its better to just be quiet.after everything came out he tried to get back with me but i told him nothing was the same and i knew he would never leave her and i refuse to do this, i assumed he would leave her, bc i know how it feels to be cheated on i didnt wanna continue with him. so now im having his child
I FINALLY came to my senses yesterday! I dumped the MM I have been seeing for 7 months. I realised that my affair was going nowhere and that he was telling me all the things I wanted to hear. I am sitting here now broken hearted, but realise that I have done the right thing for all of us, especially his wife. Even after I told him it was over, and he told me he loved his wife and had no intention of leaving her, he STILL had the fucking cheek to send me a text telling me he loved me! FUCKING BASTARD. I really feel sorry for his wife cos he is going to carry on like nothing happened with me, and she is completely oblivious. FUCKING MEN!
His wife told me recently that she still believes that he's still seeing me. She told him that she wanted him to bring her to see me. He told me he had to lie to her that we no longer meet. I don't know why she wants to see me. It's not that we want to fall in love with married men. And I always believe this, if their marriage has no flaws then no one can actually break their marriage. It's unfair for the wives to call the third party marriage wrecker. Think this, if I fall in love with a married man and if he doesn't love me nor reciprocate do you think I can do anything? No, it takes 2 hands to clap. For my case, I have always been telling him that we dont have future together and it's like waiting when we will split that's all.
I am going through something similiar with my sons father, and I believe if you are the other woman that's where you will stay. How can a person put themselves second and not think about what they are doing especially when there are kids involved. I am a strong believer in karma, and as the saying goes whatever starts bad ends bad..so to the stupid whores dating married men you will always be less of a woman and never looked at as classy in anyway because of your own selfishness.
i was married for twelve years my husband was having an affair which to be fair our relationship was over im 40 years old and i have never had an affair but i have met this man who i have been seeing for about six months first he told me he was single now i have been split up from my husband 8 months .he isnt married but lives with his partner and has done for 15 years he tells me it would cost to much money to leave her i know its as good as being married to her hes told me he has had an affair before which he says she found out about and has ruined there relationship the affair apparently took place 5 years ago, i did try ending it but i was bombarded with texts and gave in i think about her a lot i feel a bad person even though he says there not together just living in the same house he makes me feel special but after reading all the comments looks like they are all the same
selfish - yes, stupid - probably. Most often the 'other woman' is not a whore, but a kind loving woman caught in a complex web of her own making. Addicted and finding it very hard to walk away. Yes - she walked straight in this mess (assuming she knew he was married). Is she happy? Unlikely.
Minxybabe - well done. You have made your first steps to a new life. It is SUCH a hard thing to do!! Stay strong. He is addicted to you to. He will not want to lose you, but you know that moving away from him is your step towards happiness. He is not respecting you by bothering you, but you don't need to respond to him. I know it feels like death not to have that connection with him, but you can survive this.
Pastel - i agree, it really is the married man who is the home wrecker. He is the one breaking his vows to his wife not you. I am not saying you are completely innocent, but he is wrecking his own home. You however are wrecking yourself by staying in the 'dead-end' relationship. He might be the most perfect man in the world, but I'm sorry to say, he is not yours to have. He belongs to someone else, and he is still with her. I'd be supprised if he wasn't sleeping with his wife. I would say to you that you don't sleep with him until he divorces his wife!! Fairs fair. Walk away. You can do better, you can find someone else who will treat you better. It doens't matter how useless the wife is he has promised to love her for better or for worse, not just when he feels like it. Marriage is not about common interests and compatablity, it's about commitment. Choosing to love even when the feelings ebb low.
Quiana - well at least you are not with him anymore. He sounds like a low-life. I wish you the best with the baby.
I am 43 and in love with a 47 year old man who happens to be married. I am walking away from the relationship now and I realize it was going nowhere but making me more and more depressed. I am hopeful he will get smart and come to me but reality says you are dreaming fool! I am using this site as therapy for me to get it out and release. I used to consider myself smart with common sense and intellectually too. I have a Master's degree and a good job. Three years ago I met this man through work and we became fast friends. I knew he was married and thought he was happily so. I never approached him or stepped to him in any way. One day he told me his marriage was "not good" and painted a picture of a wife who took advantage of him on the regular, is manipulative, and has a son that is totally disrespectful to him and she does nothing to correct it. The child is 13 and not his. They argue constantly and I was told he is unhappy and wanted to leave her. I became his sounding board offered advice and suggessted counseling for them. Co-workers/people kept telling me he was interested in me but I was in denial. I got sick and needed surgery and he was so upset he called me 2-3 times a day during my recovery. At that time I began to say wow...where can I find one of these and noticed I did have some feelings for him but still never acted on them. Shortly after he bacame sick (flu)and I called to see if he was ok and he told me his wife pushed a glass of juice to the door and took his car and left for the casino. She did not want to get her or her son sick. I brought him soup, juice, cough drops, etc. in a snow storm. About a year and a half ago he called me one evening when she was out of town to ask me to dinner. I was busy so I could not go and he said for me to call him when I got home no matter what time it was. I did and that is when he told me he was "in love with me and has been for some time". I told him I had similar feelings and he immediately wanted me to come for a sleep over. Red flag #1. How stupid I was! The next day we met to talk face to face and again he was ready to have sex but his body would not let him do the deed due to the guilt I guess. Fast forward a few months and he and wife separated and I thought it was finaly our time. Within 2 months she returned saying that the friend she moved in with did not care for her son (she thinks everyone is against her son) and she needed more time to save money to move to her own place. He took her back in and convinced me he had to because her name was stil on the apt lease so when the lease ended in April of this year (8 months later) she was leaving for good. He kept saying he was a good guy and just wanted to break free amicably with no hard feelings and still be friends and a father to the child who knows no other father. I am too trusting I guess. He says he was sleeping on the couch. So they had the "facade" marriage and no one knows I exist but a few of his friends and his biological son. In April of this year they separate again. She moves to another town he moves to a new apt saying that he knew I would not be comfortable in his old one and still proclaiming his love for me and for us to be together. I immediately noticed that this was supposed to be our time and our beginning but we were never able to be seen together, go anywhere, etc. Our outings was in his new apt specifically the bedroom and if she borrowed his car like she normally does I had to leave by 10am bfore she brought it back on the weekend. His family still thinks they are together and some of hers too and she calls daily. I began to question this and when he was going to put some boundaries in place he became more and more angry saying I was pushing him and for me to let him handle his business. He became secretive where we used to have open commuication and about a month ago I found out she stayed at his house for the weekend becuase of a tropical storm we had. Remember she has several family members around that she could have stayed with but she remains dependent on him and he allows it and adamantly told me she was still his wife when I questioned it. I too was affected by the storm and he did not call me all weekend or the week leading up to it to see if I was prepared or even still alive after it. His calls became less and less frequent after that and when he would call in the evening he would suddenly have to hang up (I guess she came in) so I assume she is staying there again on the regular. I questioned him about it and he said no and apologized for his behaviour and asked me to come over. I went over and it just felt real uncomfortable and I noticed all my stuff had been packed in a suitcase for what I assume is hiding purposes. That was my cue to take my stuff and run but I wanted to give him one more chance to be honest with me. I asked him questions and he seemed like I was the one with the problem. I stayed the night (STUPID I KNOW) but I had to see if he really turned to a Jeckyll and Hyde jackass. The next morning like I thought he had sex with me, got directly left me there got up showered and came back to bed claiming he was going to get a nap before he had to go to work. He avoided talking to me and I told him that was the reason for his fake sleep. Of course he denied it. I then went to shower noticed all her nasty hair in his brush and all over the bathroom counter and floor hence I realied it was over for me. He could have even clean up the place before inviting the other over if you gonna try to be slick. I was done! I left that morning with a heavy heart and depressed that my soulmate, the man I loved and said he still loved me did not love me enough to do right by me. I know that I am more important and will not be disrespected and lied to anymore. He called 2 times since but again "I gotta go I will call you back" and I have not heard from him in about a week. I think he finally gets it. I am done! He owes me about $250 which I would like to get but don't want to call or text as I need to be stronger before I open up that line of communication again. Right now I am reading motivational books to get back into doing me and praying for my spirit to be healed without being hateful and exposing him for the dirty dog he really is to his wife and mother in law who I know pretty well. I know I played a pivotal role and was stupid to get into this in the first place and made several mistakes along the way when my friends kept saying get out he is using and playing games with you. Love makes you blind and stupid and I accpet my responsibility in this. Takes me awhile but finally I am awake now. Thanks for listening everyone...those that know the word of prayer please pray for me. This is hard but I will make it.
I know the feeling, I have been with a guy for 6 years. We were boyfriend and girlfriend and I was madly in love with him. I had been married before which resulted in divorce. I met him and we just clicked instantly, we had such a good time together but we never lived under the same roof which was okay. He was a truck driver so that was bad from the start. However, over the years we had some problems with me finiding out he cheated. As usual they apologize and you take them back. If it couldn't get any worse. We had plans to get married when his son graduated from high school, when I started turning up the heat he started pulling back. Eventually he moved from his place and moved in with one of his ex's. I was upset and angry, but I still loved him so we still were commuicating with in 6 months he was back knocking at my door telling me he is sorry and he wants to work things out. I take him back while he is still living with this woman but he does come back and see me and we spend time together. I know that it was wrong and I loved him more than he loved me but I was still hanging on that hope that he come to my house and never leave. Just this week God spoke to me and revealed to me what was going on in the sudden change with him. I googled his name on the computer and he married this lady. For a minute my heart dropped all I could think of is "how could you be so stupid" I called him with the information he still denied he was married. Just because I live only an hour away from him he thought I would never find out. When I looked at the dates, 3 days after he got married he was at my house having sex. There is some God in me and I know nothing good would come out of this, so I am done with him for good. I know if he was cheating with me on her 3 days after they married what a mess I would be in if I married him. God has someone out there for me that will treat right. I have learned my lesson. It has been said what goes around comes around. And the sad part I asked him does he love this woman he said "no" I asked him why did you marry her he said "I don't know"
Veronica,
I was married for 15 years and have two teens. I discovered my husbands affair and after him begging me not to leave, 5 years of counseling, and a lot of heartache, I discovered he never ended the affair. I divorced him. He even begged me not to leave. Once the divorce was final he was married to her 4 months later. He has said he has never been happier.I don't love him. I don't miss him. But, I am curious if you believe this marriage will last. She was also married and left her husband for my husband. My ex now has hardly anything to do with his kids and tells them that if they want a relationship with him, they MUST accept her. Because they are older teens, they are devestated. He promised when I divorced him, that he was not having an affair and he would never marry this woman. He lied to them too. Will this marriage last?
I honestly don't know why a woman would pursue a married man. The OW in my story happens to be a former client of ours. She left her husband (3 years ago now) around Christmas. My husband backed out of their project, giving a lame excuse that the OWs ex-husband couldn't afford the project. Now after my husband got caught lying to me (he called me from a secret cell phone that he has....and left a message that was meant for OW). I confronted and he made up a very lame excuse. VERY LAME EXCUSE.
He has made a fool of me, our life together and all that we have shared. We have been married for 22 years and have two kids in college.
He continues to see OW (although he thinks I don't know). He just conveniently goes "bike riding" for 6 hours or "motorcycle riding" for 1/2 day most Saturdays. DUH...am I stupid?
HE IS HELPING TO BUILD HER NEW HOUSE!!!!! He denied it last year, and I found out that he is actually listed as a contact on her permit paperwork. HE LIES AND LIES AND LIES. It is so hurtful.
I am the one who has worked full-time, raised our children, worked our business, and have never said no to sex. Not once. EVER. Lately I tend to be more of the initiator. OW has no children, is highly educated and fit with lots of interests. She is a selfish *itch.
I know who OW is. I know where she works (at the college I attend). She is a lying cheating whore. I am so hurt by all of this I can't even communicate in words. This occupies most of my waking thoughts.......every day for the last 3 years.
My advice to any woman (slut) considering an affair with a married man.......find your own. Because seriously what goes around comes around and I'm telling you being on this end of a cheating spouse is a hurt worse than if the spouse were dead. It lingers. The doubt never goes away. THINK ABOUT IT.
Veronica,
I've been married for 6 years. My mother was married 3 times they were all bad men, they cheated and did other things. The last one was actually the reason I left home at 17. I married my highschool boyfriend he joined the military which he did not want to do and we've had 3 kids since. The last one only 5 months ago. We've had good times and bad times and weve changed and grown a lot. Which is natural. I was very scared to be cheated on. With every time my mother found out that one of her husbands cheated she got so much worse. Now she is barely recognizable as the woman who used to sing to me and tuck me into bed. She is on the run with the last husband who is out on bail and is supposed to be standing trial in December for child molestation. Naturally you can see why I am so afraid to be cheated on. I've trusted him with every thought in my head and have never done him wrong. And never would back in november he started to his ex- girlfriend from his sophomore year in highschool. I didnt really care much until it left the Internet and started happening on the phone. I was 5 months pregnant and decided to see if there was anything to worry about. So I called her up. She started talking about how paranoid I was why couldnt I leave him and her alone, why was I always in Thier buisness. When I asked his position on all this. He said that it was nothing to worry about just friends talking. Obviously what he said and what she says clashes. So that night it all blew up. I get histerical
He left the house on what was supposed to be a walk to clear his head. He was gone for hours. When he finnally came back he was getting off the phone. Naturally I asked who had been talking to. He said that he had been talking to Karen ( that's the ex- girlfriends name). I was angry and he came out and said that he was not cheating on me now but he had cheated on me before with 4 different girls and that he was needing to get that off his chest. I had the feeling that he was telling me because he wanted me to start a separation or a divorce. So I did. he panicked. Said he was sorry and we should try to grow together and communicate more. So I tried it felt like things were going to get better. but after a couple days I started to realize that we had fallen back into our rut . He was depressed. He was avoiding life he threw himself into video games and other things and ignored our family. I could see he was depressed and felt helpless because I couldn't do anything. I tried to talk to him he would hear me acknowledge that we needed to change spend more tome together and all that . But life doesn't change easy and we had two small children and another on the way. Also because we were constantly starting over again as soon as we noticed our failure to change, we called ourselves changing even though we weren't. Then the baby came and 2 weeks later I discovered he had been cheating again I saw the text messages/emails. Every time we would start to change he would stop texting them altogether or even break it off and then when we fall back into our rut it would begin again. We tried to change again. Then he started to insult to act like a man i didnt recognize. I saw him as selfish not trying. He would cheat on me and because i was looking for it now i saw it almost as soon as it happened. It was easier to start the divorce when i could see him. because he didnt feel like the man i loved. It felt like this man had killed my husband and crawled into his body like in some sci-fi movie. i couldnt forgive him for it. The man begged and pleaded for me to stay promising more change. But I would not hear it. Id been going about my buisness everyday trying not to pay much attention to his new promises of things he's gonna do and stuff he promises will change. And concentrate on doing the things that I need to do to be a single parent. When last night I realized that we were spending time together and functioning together like parents are supposed to when dealing with Thier children. We even started playing together and ended the night by making up a stupid handshake and watching dragon ball together. I looked into his eyes and saw my husband from 4 years ago staring out of his eyes looking at me like he hadnt seen me in ages too. And I started to realize the recent promises he's made he's kept and that while I've been trying to not pay attention to him he's been doing what he was promising he would do. And when I voiced this out loud he said "see I told you I could change things I told you I would do what I needed too. I can't lose you. I know I need to be with you. I'm yours and your mine." ( that's an exact quote) AND NOW IM SCARED NOW IM AFRAID I MIGHT LOSE SOMETHING IF I LEAVE NOW IM IN DANGER OF HOPING. maybe this change doesn't exist or maybe it will stop if I agree to stay? And if I stay and then it vanishes will I spend painful years waiting or working for it again because I know it can exist never to see it again ? And what if I do leave and he has changed? That would ruin us both!
All's fair in love and war and nobody owns anybody. All you insulting wives out there would do well to remember that
I have been having an affair with a bloke for about six months now. He is not married, but does live with his girlfriend of five years.
We both worked for the same company for a while but different departments. He moved into my departmens about seven months ago. I felt sorry for him, no one was talking to him, so I sent him an innocent email and we began chatting. We instantly clicked and chatted all day, every day. I completely opened up to him about everything. Work emails then went to personal emails, then went to texting and calling.
One day he told me that he had feelings for me, I already knew that deep down I was madly in love with him. I knew that he wasn't happy with his girlfriend, he tells me that she is controlling and puts him down.
He was going away for a couple of weeks and I told him that I loved him, he told me he didnt feel the same. We had a big argument, as I felt that he had used me and manipulated me. We didnt speak for a while, we had gone from talking 24/7 to not talking at all, and it broke my heart but I was so angry. Just before he came back from his holidays he text me and we made the peace. I wanted to stay angry at him, but I love him too deeply and missed him too much to stay angry.
Eventually I decided I was going to resign, this was breaking my heart. The man I loved didnt love me in return and I couldnt handle the pain it was killing me. Before I had a chance to tell him my decision he told me that he loved me and he had for a long time. I didnt know what to do. I'd waited so long for him to say this. I know it has only been six months (sounds cliche) but it felt like a lifetime.
He told me that he was going to leave his girlfriend, that they are irratible, annoy each other and just make each other unhappy and that he wants to be with me and he is planning his future with me.
She has been away for a week and is back this evening, she text him in the week saying 'im not happy anymore.' He had already told me, that I would have to wait a year as he needs to wait for the lease on their flat to finish, and get some money together for our place. He has a meeting with the bank manager on friday to discuss a loan to see if we can speed things up. Well anyway she text and he told me, and he said it sounded like she wanted to finish things but he wasnt prepared, so they sorted things out and are now being civil.
Im devastated, I asked him if he loved her and he said no, I love you and only you. I said have you told her you loved her lately and he said not in those words but yes I have. Therefore what do his words mean to me? Are they real? If he can lie to her then he can do it to me right?? He also said that she didnt like the fact that they hadnt been having sex, and I said so what your saying is that when she comes home tuesday (i.e today) You will be having sex with her and he couldnt deny it!!
Im reading this back and can see in black and white how foolish I am. I dont know what to do, I love him deeply with all my heart! He is my best friend, my soulmate, my future, and if I walk away I lose everything. I dont know if I can wait a year. I dont know how he expects me to put my life on hold for a year, when he is not giving anything back in return. The hurt is so strong its suffocating me.
Breakingheart - I get that you love this man. On the plus side, he is not married. He has not made vows to someone. In my opinion, living with someone is not the same as being married. He is obviously not happy in his live-in relationship. But only HE can decide what he is going to do. I do really believe that he loves you. He probably, in someways, loves her too, or at least he is used to her, and she ticks some of his boxes.
I think you should pull back abit. At least cut out the sex/physical relationship, if at all possible. He has to choose. He has to decide which one of you he wants. In the meantime, maybe have some contact with him, but concentrate of yourself. You don't NEED him, you just WANT him. Romantic love, whilst intense and lovely, is a clingy, needy sort of love. If he doesn't choose you, your life is not over. You will move on, even though you don't feel like you can/will. It's not foolish to love. But think about how you are going to act, think about what is in your best interests, what is helpful to your life. Sometimes we have to suffer pain to get to a better place. I don't know, life is hard sometimes. I feel for you, because I've been there, but have lived to finally be happy again. Good luck, and may you choose happiness.
Hello all, I've been caught up in a situation now for about 8 months. It started when a couple of 15 years invited me into their relationship under the terms of being their exclusive sexual companion. The idea was fine with me given my circumstance at the time. I was also involved in a 2 year relationship and thought nothing of the potential risk that could result from this situation.
When our relationship began (the couple and I), it was a wondeful, exciting and lustful experience. I enjoyed the connection between she and I, and the same with her boyfriend. There were moments when she even let he and I enjoy eachother by ourselves; allowing us to spend whole nights together, enjoy dinner dates and giving us the opportunity to get to know eachother on a personal level, outside of our sexual arrangment. Even still, all things were well, up until the point that her boyfriend said these words to her, "I am so glad that she is in our lives, because otherwise I'd be miserable with you".
That was the turn of the century!!! From that point she requested that all bets were off, saying that she does not want he nor I to see or be with eachother again (at least until he learns his lesson). My intial response was to oblige her request, I mean this is her boyfriend and her relationship after all...but then this voice said to me, "You are way too deep now, who is she to just take away your new found happiness and excitement. Plus the connection you have with him is unlike any other. He reaches all of your peaks, you can't let this go...you won't".
From that point her boyfriend I began seeing eachother secretly. At first it started as a rush, that feeling you get when you can't see, think even hear straight. All vision is blurred and there is nothing there but the moment. The feeling began to take hold of me and even started to affect my relationship w/ my boyfriend. Sad to say he and I have broken up b/c the feeling emotions and love I had for him became an after-thought when it came to her boyfriend. In conclusion, this is something that is still continuing; the thing is, she knows about it now after a dramatic confession made by me. She pretty much hates the both of us now and what started out as an amazing exploration, has turned into a horrid mess of affaris. Despite, he and I still can't to leave well enough alone. What can I do to control my urge, my lust to be with him? The worst thing about it is....its starting to feel like love!
I have been seeing a married man for almost 5 years now and I absolutely love him. I've tried moving on but I don't find myself attracted to men in the same way, sex is easy with anyone but its the touching each other and closeness after sex that I can't seem to find. I am over 40 years old and I've been with a few men in my life, when this guy holds me and wants to lie for hours skin to skin with me and just talk, it is the most incredible feeling in the world and no other man has done that for me. I know that part of it is an addiction but the pain that I feel when I think of leaving him is overwhelming.
This is a small town and I am not big on therapy. I actually did therapy when I was married and I was able to pull the wool over the therapist's eyes and manipulate things so that she wouldn't know what I was thinking or feeling. I didn't leave my husband for this guy, my marriage was not good for me or my children and bordered almost on emotional abuse. Can anyone out there recommend a good book on this type of situation that can help as I try to move on with my life? I've read a few co-dependency books but most of them stray towards religion and believe me, if there is a God, he does not want anything to do with me.
To GuardedHeart9,
Thanks so much for your advice and thoughts. I’m trying to break away from him. A lot of people think that those who fell in love with a married men is a home wrecker. I won’t try to say that we are the perfect ones, but I’ve always believe that we didn’t want to get involved with a married man at the first place. And if the marriage is strong, no one could break it. Yes, I know we had a choice to leave the married men and we chose to stay and this make those wives call us “home wrecker” or worst “whores.” We never sleep to each other because I’m still married and in the midst of divorcing. He has never tried going to bed with me and he was also the one that says he’ll wait till I’m offiically divorce.
Last week, his wife woke him up from his sleep in the morning and they had an argument because he was talking in his sleep. His wife said are you still seeing her, you've been calling her names again and again in your sleep and this is very unlikely of you. She didn't want to tell whether that was all he said or there were more things he said in his dream.
sometimes in life we have to let go it's not easy but, LET IT GO.
We do need to let go and move on. And alcoholics should just give up drinking to. If only it were that easy.....
Things are changing in my head and I'm not prepared for it. Everything between my mm and I are good in many many ways we are closer than ever. He says he wants to get away and have a break so he can think about what he truly wants which is a good positive step for him and I'm urging him to do it as I want him to be happy and discover what it is that will make him truly happy. But he just never seems to be able to tell his wife that's what he wants always saying he needs to sort work etc etc but knowing him I think it's more the thought of being away from his kids that are his life that stops him. As his biggest fear is losing them and this is the reason he's not left before I understand this and I've tried to tell and show him that they will benefit in the long run as they will have a daddy that is happier and less stressed plus time together will be quality yes he won't see the daily little things but he can still see them alot if he wants and have them half the week it's not the same I know I'm there now but time is more special with them.
Besides all that I've let my feelings get too deep to the point that I don't feel I could switch my emotions off and bare to be without him in my life yes I've loved him for months but there is always a turning point in love and I always thought I had reached it until now hence me not being prepared for it.
I have told him how I'm feeling and he knew and hates the fact I'm hurting he is too, but he doesn't open up and tell me what he truly wants or how he really feels altho I can feel it he never tells me but it's hard for him as he feels that it then becomes real and he's torn but all this hurts me and I'm debating if it's time to say enough is enough and step back in the hope he misses me so much that he realises life without me is harder than the situation were in and we can then be together properly but I will not go back if hes still with my best friend it's a risk I have to take. Altho I have confessed to him that if he ever did leave I honestly think deep down that we will never be together as it wld be a tough ride and i dont think he wld cope well he said he can't answer that as he doesn't know what the future holds but then he has said he does see a future for us.
There has never been false promises and always honest with one another I just wish he wld open up and tell me hoe he felt and what he sees for future.
Can anyone give me advice and how they think I should go from here?
I have just reviewed some of the posts on here and I feel terrible. You see I am a married white man who fell in love with a black single woman four years ago. My wife and I have been talking of divorce for years. She was just not happy and would say after our daughter goes to college I want out. So my daughter went to college then disaster struck. We got hit hard financially, hence it postponed the divorce. Meanwhile all this time I am in love with this woman of four years and our relationship became up and down because of my delay in my divorce. Now I am finally moving forward with the divorce we found the legal channel we want to use and get it done. The only problem now is the woman I'm in love with of 4 years has said she just wants to be friends and when my divorce goes through then will see at that point about moving forward. She feels that I should not have waited so long, and took the matter in my own hands. She also explained she was in a relationship like this way before me and she had to cut that guy loose. I admit I should have acted on it when I first met her, however the timing between my daughter going to college and my financial crisis messed me up. You see I am 51 in great health I actually feel like I am 20 no kidding. I take care of my health. The woman I love is 43 also in great shape and she feels young too. I don't want to lose this woman after all this. We are such good friends that is how this romance started, by friendship.
I feel lost without her and yet I am hurt that she wants to wait till the divorce is over to see me. That is if she doesn't meet someone else, then maybe we can date again. I am not a cheater even though I am married. My unhappy wife said she would understand if I had an affair cause we have not had sex in years. The woman I am in love with also stopped having sex with me for 2 years now. I am about to get my divorce and the girl I truly love will only see me in frienship not intamately.
Also, I know the woman I love does not cheat either.
My wife does not know of our relationship together even though my wife does know who this woman is as a friend to me. Love can be a tough thing sometimes to people.
Can anybody help me with this? I am more than happy to share in this. I just feel so lost. I don't want to lose this woman, I love her so much. I told her that. She just feels torn up in this which I understand, but now that the divorce is on the horizon I don't want to lose her after all we been through together. Do I just give her time and space? Then hope she don't let somebody else in, which so far she has'nt through all this?
Iknowitswrong - I'll be interested to hear what other people think, but for what it's worth, I'll respond.
I'm glad he is taking it seriously. I'm glad your MM is going to have a good think - this is serious stuff.
Bear with me, this first bit will hurt - I think your MM should take his family across the otherside of the world, as far away from you as he can. I am not trying to be mean here. I am just saying his best crack at happiness for him and his children maybe to invest in his family. To invest in his relationship with his wife. It is undeniable that kids are happiest with 'mum and dad under the one roof' even if they are not incredibily close (providing there is no extreme fighting or abuse). It is possible for him to be happy with his wife if he were to devote himself to her. In doing that he may even become a more aware and better person, because there is no doubt it would be a lot of work, and wouldn't solely be about his immediate happiness.
In saying that, I totally understand where you are coming from. I would have choosen my MM in a heartbeat, even though it would have meant breaking up a family (well two families actually). My feelings for MM where incredible. The bond, the connection. Like NOTHING I'd ever felt before. He choose is wife. I believe he loved me. I know he did. But he choose the pathway he thought was best for all.
But what should you do? What can you do? I don't think you can ever leave him, be without him, unless he calls the shots and you have no choice. You are in too deep. Do you really think you can say 'enough is enough'????
I think it is most likely that until it all hits the fan (and it will) he will continue with both of you. He wants an everyday life with his kids, and probably loves his wife at least on some level. She is ticking some of his boxes. If he does call it off with you, he will miss you terribly. It's unlikely, in my opinion, that he can possibly do without you, though he may decide he has too. Arrrhhh. Sucks doesn't it. No good options!!!
So probably he will go away, come back. and you will still be in the same situation. You will continue to see him. I'll be interested to see what happens. I feel for you. Seriously, hard stuff......then again, maybe he chooses you. Part of me hopes he does......cos I know how much it hurts to be without the man you love.
Ricky - Would you divorce even if there was no other woman in the picture? If not, wow what a dilema!! Perhaps in that light you should give your marriage another crack? But it looks like you would divorce anyway? If so, you continue with your divorce. Put all your energies towards sorting out your own stuff. Make it happen as quick as possible. Once it's final, you fight for the woman you love. She needs you to prove that you love her, not 'time and space'.
Other advice. What went wrong in your marriage? Why did you stop loving your wife? What did you lack? What I am saying here is examine any defiencies you may have had in your marriage (I'm not suggesting it was only you to blame, but 'you' is all you have control of and can learn from going forward). Don't take the same problems into your new relationship. Hope it works out for you!!
Guardedheart thanks for ur response he does love her but only on the basis that she is the mother of his children, which I get totally as thats how I feel about my ex. But he cant say he loves me (he has done twice) altho he has said he wants to but it opens too many doors, this is where our situation seems so different from others but I can feel that ge does with every touch kiss and smile it shows in his eyes ( another friend says she can see it too how he is so different around me compared to his wife. It's such a difficult situation as I feel everything u described the bond, connections everything we are perfect for each other, but the kids are what's stopping him and ur right I don't Think I am strong enough to end it, I gave it a go this morning and within an hour I msg him by mid afternoon he called and then we met for lunch and I had woke up thinking no contact today how stupid am I?
We have tossed the idea of having a break from one another and he said it's not what he wants he says what's the point in being miserable for a set amount of time when we can be happy with each other? We can't see life without each other even if it's just as friends.
The relationship with his wife is more like best friends they have had no sexual contact for over 2yrs and barely kiss when they do he says it all feels empty I know mist of his problems with her as they both confide in me and that is so hard and incredably difficult ESP when I get only half a story but it's also comforting as I know he's not lying to me. But it can also get complicated.
Maybe he should leave with his family and move away but will that really solve all there problems (and there is many) they will all just creep back over time which may cause more distress to them alll. Us being together is the only selfish thing he has done everything else is for everyone else (including me) he is such a giver and family work and my happiness is what he tries to put before himself and this is y I am urging him to get away alone so he can think about what he wants for him and that is all at the risk that I may just lose him which would break me completely but I feel he needs to. Everyone else seems to take from him and never put him first nothing is ever good enough he's changed so much for family with no appreciation and that hurts me to see. I don't get how we have something so right yet its so wrong?!? I need and want him and feel sick to the stomach that I'm in this position at my own doing but I can't live without him he truly is everything to me besides my kids and I've never felt this way before x
Ricky i think she is just protecting herself and is trying what i have just tried with my MM. No sex until you leave the wife. After all why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. You have to remember that you have "wasted" 4 years of this ladys life and caused her a lot of pain and hurt, you say that you dont love your wife yet you stayed with her.... for your daughters sake??? FFS staying together for the children is the oldest excuse in the book and by the sounds of it your daughter was no child. Children know when mum and dad aren't happy and i bet if you ask your daughter in years to come if she thinks you did the right thing by her by staying together, she will say no.
Your other lady has given you the benefit of the doubt for 4 years and yet you doubt her loyalty to you now? You need a good kick up the arse!
Get your divorce and then beg her to give you another chance, the woman obviously loves you, she's still there isn't she?
I have just kicked my MM to touch despite saying that i would give him till xmas. I've waited 8 months for him to finish his stupid house and its still not done. He doesn't even have the pathetic excuse of children. I have a date on friday night with a guy who has been asking me out for weeks and i am actually looking forward to it. One day when my MM gets his head out of his arse and realises that he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him and comes back to me with cap in hand, i might take him back or i might be happy with someone else. I love him more than life itself but i think its time i had a bit of pride in myself and started to "love myself" instead of him.
The reason i told him to go this time was because i fell off my horse on the weekend and injured myself quite badly... cracked ribs, damaged kidneys and lots of bruising. All he could say was how bad he felt that he couldn't be there for me! Even though him and his wife are supposedly seperated but living in the same house till its sold. Yep once again it was all about him.
So wish me luck for friday night, i think i will have fun
Interesting site.
Well, I don't want to judge anyone here. I believe that everything that happened in life happens for a reason. And when there is an affair like this going on we gotta remember that there are 3 stories. The two most important stories are the two in that marriage. There is a really good reason why the cheater cheated. I don't think anyone should be blaming anyone when there is an affair going on. Blame your own self. Everyone should look on the brighter side and be strong about it. Why drag yourself down on it and make it worse? If the husband/wife cheated, then let it be. Don't even ask him/her "why?" It will just make you want to know it more. Be strong and just move on. There is a reason why you came to this dead end. And the reason is for you to built a new road.
I know that there are a lot of angry wives out there. But we have to see it from the mistress point of view, too. It is always easier said than done. They might not even want to be with the married man, but maybe by the time they found out he was married, it's too late. Her feelings are already built up high. How is she gonna leave him then? We don't control our feelings and we know that for damn sure. Our feelings controls us. It's ok to be in denial about what I just said, but its the damn truth. We can try to balance it, but we always end up losing it.
I am also someone who went thru that. My husband cheated on me, but I didn't let that drag me down. I put my feet down and showed him where the curb was. Good thing he found the curb, otherwise, I would have walked him there. hehe. Jk on that part. But me and my ex husband are very close friends now. Both of us are involved with the kids as much as we should be and can be. We treat each other like how best friends does. No need to be enemy just because he cheated.
Anyhow, sometimes, we have to let our ego loose a little bit. And think more of whats really out there. All I really want to say is, we all meet people in our lifetime for a reason. And these people are usually people to guide us thru life, whether its bad or good. We learn from it, grow from it and move on. Learn how to not be so egoistic, don't hold grudges, and forgive everyone for their mistakes.
For the angry wives our there, have a big heart. I know it hurts like a B****, but life goes on. Just remember that it's really not just his fault. It is our fault, too, that's why he cheated. And I can guaranteed you that it's not the mistress's fault. Unless, she already knew that you two were married and still came in between.
Many might not like what I had said, but its ok. But only way to be able to move on with life and live happily, is if you allow yourself to and forgive what others have done to you. :)
Good luck in life and blessings to all.
Hello, To IMSOSTUPID: Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. I wish you luck on Friday night and beyond ! Peace and Love to You.
Hello, To GUARDEDHEART9 The answer to your question is yes. We would still be divorcing. My wife and I have been married 27 years. In the last 10 years we have been living more like roommates than a husband and wife. My wife admits as I do, we love eachother very much and are great friends, however we are not in love with eachother.
We definitely grew apart as people. This happened way before I met the woman I fell in love with 4 years ago.
It is better for both of us to move on in our lives. Now as far as The woman I am in love with is concerned, we definitely fell in love with eachother. It started out as friendship and in a short period of time grew from there. We have so much in common with eachother, we became best friends. In the past I have had many chances to cheat on my wife. I chose not to, I always felt it was wrong. Even though my wife said she would understand if I did have an affair. You see my wife went through some early menopausal issues and did not want sex. She was not sexual at all or a romantic. I am. When the woman I love now over the past 4 years came into my life, she was single not dating. She just about 6 month's before we met ended a relationship with a guy who would not commit to their relationship. Now in between the 4 years of my wife and I working on a divorce and me meeting this woman I love other situations happened. My daughter going to college and a big blow financially when an investment went bust. Put me in a financial bind. That was why we had to delay the divorce, divorce cost a fortune. So I can understand the woman I am in love with's position of no sex and no intamacy till the divorce is final. We can go on dates she said as friends but not lovers. She said I can't have you as a boyfriend to introduce you to my friends till your are fully divorced I agree with all that. What I am concerned about was when she said "we will see how I feel about you after the divorce" " I may meet someone else in between" "am I supposed to just wait for you, I have been waiting 4 years now". This is what hurts, now I am finally getting resolve to this in my divorce proceedings so we can be together and she tells me this. I am confused and hurt because I know what we have together in our relationship and don't want to lose it.
That would be a shame to go through all this and then in the end not have her. I guess what I am asking is how do I handle this? It is so difficult. It would really be messed up if she left me. Especially since I know how good we are together. I mean she knows how good we are together too. What is the best way to handle this and yet still be friends until the divorce is final. If I just knew what the right way to handle it is so she could be happy till we are fully together. I don't want to lose or blow a great thing we have together. Our chemistry is great and that is without sex for 2 years now. When I am finally free I know it will be great ! I just hope she hangs on after all this and does'nt go looking for something else or that something else does not try to take her away so far in 4 years that has not happened. But she is a woman, and I know she wants the intamacy and sex, she just says we can't have it right now. I just don't want to lose her over that emotional need. I appreciate any help here, this is killing me. Thanks. -Rick091768
You know its really quite ironic, my husband and I split up after 13 years of marriage because he was having an affair with a friend of mine (for about 8 months). Now i dont actually blame him, we were living fairly seperate lives and weren't exactly shagging like rabbits ha ha. She gave him what i wouldn't, not just sex but she stroked his ego and made him feel like "the man". Now the funny thing is that when i found out and packed his bags for him, he didn't want to go, he begged me to stay and i told him to go and be with her.... he didn't want to.
I still insisted that he left and after a few months he did go back to her but it only lasted a few months, i actually think he resented her for breaking up his marriage for goodness sakes!
Anyway.... fast forward a few years and here's me doing the same bloody thing, stroking some married mans ego and being his adoring little mistress, what a bloody fool.
My advice to anyone thinking about "going there" with a MM, tell him if he wants you then he has to sort his shit out 1st, he cant have both. If his marriage is truely as bad as he says it is, then he will leave and start fresh with you. You deserve better than crumbs
For Ricky. Why did you mention that the woman you were in love with was Black? Also, I am curious about what the women who have been left by men. Please tell what you do daily; Do you have a career outside the home? It is something I am noticing in general. There are patterns that repeat. As I said, this is in general. I know there are always exceptions. I wish you all joy. We all should live in health and joy. Find your passion. Find out what your true gifts are in life. You are a gift; unique and each human has something special to be and do and enjoy in this life. I believe that if we all do that, these hurts would be different...Love out to all of you! XO
Thank you so much for this forum. I symphatize with the wives and some of the mistressess. I met the married whore out. We hit it off and hung out. He did not have on a ring, and when I asked him if he was married or had a gf or children he lied and said NO! After seeing each other for a little over a month, this poor excuse of a man tells me that he has something to tell me, and then went on to tell me that he is married with 3 children. I think I was in shock. I asked him why did he cheat on his wife? His poor excuse was that he was not in love with her anymore, they got married when he was 19 and he isn't ready to settle down. Seriously??!! I felt awful. He wanted to continue to see me. I told him no way!! I am going through a difficult time right now. For some reason I keep thinking about this poor excuse of a man. I deleted his number and told him to not contact me anymore. I am a strong believer in Karma. I am far from perfect and have made my mistakes in the past, but messing with a married man is something that I want to stay away from doing. I would like to be happily married one day. Why do some men do this? He did not even give me the choice to decide if I wanted to deal with him. I have repented and been praying a lot to get strenghth to deal with this. I am trying to not become bitter. What is wrong with some of these men? We even had unprotected sex.!! I just don't get it. I feel like I am the victim here and his wife because he lied from the get go about being married. Praying for strenghth...I wish I never met this guy. After this dog told me these things, the more he talked, the more it sounds like his whoring around is just get started. This forum gave me strenght during a moment of weakness. We are all human and fall weak to our desires at times, but this is soo not worth it. Id rather be by myself alone, than to be some married guys whore. I know I am worth so much more than that. And best believe, if he will cheat and lie to his wife, he will do the same if not worse to you. Sorry for all the typos. Be strong ladies! We have the power here, if you find out a guy is married, walk away! I know its hard. I am struggling right now. Keep praying.
Love
My post was deleted..so I will try this again. The married man I dealt with, was not wearing a ring, and denied being married when I asked him. One of the first questions I ask men when I meet them, is if they are married..even if a ring is not present. Of course he stated he was not married. We had (what I thought was a relationship ) for 2 months. One day he tells me that he has something to tell me...I was in shock. I notice a lot of these mens responses are the same..I am not in love with my wife, or I am staying for the kids. That was his response. He also wanted to know if I would keep messing around with him. Of course I told him no. My heart was screaming Yes, of course I will. But Gods spirit answered for me thankfully. I am really struggling right now. It has only been a week. I told him to not contact me, I deleted his number. I am so confused as to why I am still thinkin about this guy. Ladies take my advice. If you find out a guy is married, cut it off. Trust me, I know its hard, but it will only end in heartache for you. If he is going to be dishonest with himself and his wife, just think how he is going to decieve you. I am having a hard time right now. This forum and prayer is helping me alot. Stay strong ladies. My heart goes out to all of you. No one should have to go through this.
Hi Turtle86:
I was just stating the facts for the record, no other reason.
My love for her is regardless of skin color. Thanks-Ricky
Hi Turtle
Funnily enough when my husband was screwing around on me i was the main earner in our family, he was trying to start his own (unsuccessful) business. The man i had an affair with was quite high up in the police and his wife was a detective .... talk about playing with fire ha ha
AMEN!!!
Oh my god! I have been having such a good time with new unattached guy, he's so much fun and such a neat guy! I was thinking wow this may actually get me over MM. Got a call from MM 2 days ago and he's left his wife.
What the hell do i do now?
To imsostupid - Are you joking? Enjoy this new love. And absolutely it will help you get over MM, for sure. So much less complicated. You don't have SHARE him!!
As far as MM is concerned, I'd wait until he shows you the divorce papers. Try and have as little to do with him as possible. He is still technically married and could still patch things up with her. Wait till he is legally unmarried, as in divorced. He will be even more lonely now if he has left his wife, which make you more vulnerable. Stick to your guns and your new relationship, for now.
Be interested to see how it goes!
Imsostupid that is a difficult one as I know exactly what I would do! But advice I'd give my friends are Has he ever left her before? If so how do u know he's really serious this time and won't go back? Take a few days to think who u want away from everything and if it's mm u decide you want I would get him to prove to you it's you he really wants make him earn your trust and that way you wont always be wondering what if also if he is serious about u ge will fight for you. I wish you luck whatever u decide and Much happiness xx
Hi imsostupid:
It sounds like you are cured ! Now go have an adventure and some more fun. You deserve it ! - Ricky
Thanks guys, wow what a rollercoaster few days. I told MM that it was too little too late and waited to see what he would do. Last night he rang me and we had this huge fight, him saying "i did this for you, this is what you wanted" and me saying i wanted this 8 months ago, why did it take me seeing someone else to make you do this?
I have talked to him again today and i told him he needs to think things through and be totally sure that this is what he wants, because if i open myself up to him again and he hurts me again, he will never get another chance. If he needs time to grieve over the loss of his relationship with his wife, then he should do it now. I dont want any "baggage" coming into this.
I'm going to talk to "new guy" tonight and tell him what is going on, he knows that i had an affair with MM and that it was over. He knows i was very hurt and angry. If it wasn't for MM i would go for it with the new guy BUT I have loved MM for 8 years, i've been with new guy 1 week. You cant know someone in a week (although i have known him for years, just not intimately)and to be honest i thought he would just be a "get over it guy", i didn't expect to like him as much as i do. I dont want to end up hurting him when he is the innocent party in all this shit
Oh and no MM has never left his wife before. He said they are sorting out the separation papers now and is happy to show them to me. I hate this, innocent people are getting hurt
Two years ago I was devastated by my husband's affair. We had been married 20 years! I had never felt such an awful gut wrenching pain in my life. I was sick, lost weight, and lost hope. The life I thought I had had changed in an instant. My three teen children were hurt as well. Even in such agony, I was not sure I wanted my marriage to end. He cuts ties with the other woman and made attempts to patch things the best he could. I became enraged for a good year for whatever sparked a memory. He also lived in a hell because of my mental state. He hung in there as I did and we did work it out. Its been two years now. I am so surprised now at how far I have come in dealing with this tragedy. I no longer cry or hurt, and let me tell you there was a time I never thought the pain would end! I made some changes to myself, rediscovering who I am post war. I am most definitely in better physical shape and feel 1000 times better about myself. It's easy in a long term relationship to get busy or lazy, which both can damage a relationship. I see where I went wrong too. We both screwed up and unfortunately for him he screwed up worse. Now he lives with guilt that doesn't end. It's a life sentence. I'm hopeful that we will make it another 20 years. I would like wives out there to know that the pain does go away with time. You never forget though. Good luck out there.
Oh i am so confused, I've loved this man for 8 years, waited for him for 8 months and when i finally gave up and walked away, he finally does what he should have done in the 1st place.
I'm angry and hurt and feeling guilty as hell because i will hurt the new guy and if anyone doesn't deserve to be hurt its him.
Iknowitswrong.... he has never left his wife before and they are drawing up the seperation papers now, he said i am welcome to look at them. I think its genuine, i just dont understand why now? He knows i was seeing someone else, i think he drove past my house and saw the car, who knows-he's a cop so could have found out any way, phone records etc.
I told the new guy last night, he knew that i had been seeing a MM and had ended it, i told him that i need to see MM cos i haven't seen him for about 6 weeks and i need to know how i feel when i see him.
New guy is amazing, he's very loving and wants me to be with him. So so confused
Ricky how are things with your lady? I'm sorry if i was a bit hard on you before, but i spoke from the heart and from a broken heart at the time.
Dear imsostupid:
First, I am glad things are looking up for you
and pray for you that all the good keeps coming.
As far as me an my lady are concerned, I think it
is going well. We had a major talk, and she shared
that it is just pressure of being a woman. We went
to a seminar together last night and it was nice.
I said that I will not pressure her in any way.
I'm just wondering something maybe you can help
me with. Is it that she needs to know I am there
for her as I go through my divorce, and yet needs
her space? It seems to be better, I think she just
wants the divorce done so we can fully work on us
as a couple. So maybe it is frustrating for her
in that sense. I also told her I am taking her out
on Halloween to dinner and dancing at a club. So we
will be in our costumes. She is going to be a sexy
jeannie ( Like I Dream Of Jeannie Outfit ). What do
you think is some ideas for me. I'm 5'8" 170 lbs.
dark hair, clean shaven, firm type body. I do work out.
Ha! Ha! Any ideas appreciated. Thanks-Ricky
Hello imsostupid,
I am concerned with your MM's comment as follows:
"i did this for you, this is what you wanted" in one of your previous messages.
I know this is what you want because you want to be with him, but he needs to make this decision because it is best for him. He needs to be leaving his wife because he doesn't see it ever working out for them, even if he doesn't end up with you. He needs to imagine you are not in the picture. Would he still leave his wife?
He needs to know in his heart he has done everything possible or that he has wanted to do (or not!) to make his marriage work. If that is the case then you guys have a better chance of making it work, he won't then blame you for breaking up his marriage (not that I believe you have, that is his responsiblity) still humans are funny creatures!
Anyway, that's my thoughts. I really hope that you are going well with your new man, he sounds patient! I'm glad you have told him what is going on. Still, I think your feelings for MM will not disappear overnight or quite possibly in a few years! It has been a year for me. I am making it work with my husband, it's pretty good, but I haven't yet been able to forget my MM......no good options sometimes. Complicated hey.
let us know how it's going.
guarded heart, he has told me in the past that he is not leaving his wife "for me" but because the marriage has been over for years. However they are still very close as friends and if i wasn't "there" then they would probably stay put and co-exist. So i guess in a way he is leaving for me. I'm not sure where the "this is what yu wanted" bit came from. As far as i was concerned we were over and done with and i had to walk away from him. We need to talk, we need to see each other and then i will know what the right thing to do is. I still haven't seen him as he is still sick and the last thing i need with cracked ribs is to catch a cold and be coughing ha ha.
New guy came over on the weekend and gave me a hand with some heavy lifting i had to do. Yes you are right, he is very patient and a hell of a nice guy!
Ricky you need to ask your lady what she wants from you now, she is the only one who can tell you how she is feeling. I would say that she is waiting for you to be truely free before she is willing to give you her heart again :-) Best of luck my friend
Hi imsostupid: It's so funny you wrote that today about asking my lady what she wants from me. Here is what she wants from me and expects from me. To just let things happen naturally so she can get her self back in love with me. I agreed, and said I will not pressure her. If it is meant to be
for us to be in love and together then it wil happen. I feel so much better and so does she. It took a lot of pressure off the both of us. I must focus on getting my life in order so I can be with her. That is what I am doing, in the mean time we will see eachother as friends and take it slow. She also said that she appreciates me and my decision to give her space to breathe. Today we talked for hours on the phone and it was wonderful. She was so happy to talk with me and vice versa.
Thanks for the sharing it helped me in a major way ! God Bless! I also hope all continues to be well with you.-Ricky
Dear Pastel:
October 18, 2011
Dear Pastel:
Listen, please listen good. It is not your fault or God's or anybody else's fault.
All that happened is you are a human being, and you let your feelings over
take your proper judgement. You need to stop the feelings, which are temporary
anyway. Feelings come and go don't they? Let go of this guy and this too shall
pass. You need to get out now, look what you are doing to your self. I promise
you if you live in total faith and trust, the right person will come along. Maybe God
let this happen so you can learn a valuable lesson. You can't always get what you
want in life, but if you just let yourself be free you get what you want ! I hope this
is helping you. Just know you have a far more purpose in life, focus on that and let
the goodness flow from there. Let the guy go and you go in peace to trust and live
in faith that God always delivers when we least expect it ! When you let God control
everthing instead of you trying to control it great opportunities will open for you.
Trust Me My Friend, Your Best Days Are Just Around The Corner, But First Let Go
Of Your Baggage (Him). Then be ready to recieve all you were meant to have.
Sincerely,
Ricky
Ricky i am glad to hear that you and your lady have talked things through, she obviously does love you and is willing to give things another chance. Its amazing how much we forgive when we love someone.
I will be seeing my MM this weekend and am kinda dreading it and kinda looking forward to it. I haven't seen him for about 6 weeks and although we have talked on the phone this week, it has been awkward and stilted. Its very confusing with new guy too, he's so lovely and treats me like a princess, but he understands that i need to see MM otherwise i'll always wonder "what if"
@kate and @maria
Maria, I do not believe that you were a counselor for 36 years because counseling cheating men, to begin with, you used the word "council" and not counsel; that coupled with your obvious benevolence towards the mistress was a dead give away. Married men that cheat; especially the narcissists and most are narcissists, have what is commonly referred to as a Madonna - Whore complex. The wife is the Madonna figure and the mistress is the whore figure. The wife can not be the whore and the whore can not be the Madonna/wife. Men who cheat like to have both the wife and the whore - they want their cake...as the old cliche goes.
Rule of 3's - if he lies 3 times, it's a character flaw, no matter how good or believable the explanation is.
Some men, prefer to have only one mistress others prefer more than one. Just because a man shows loyalty to the mistress does not mean anything; affairs take a lot of work - sometimes it's just easier to keep fishing in the same pond.
@kate - I feel bad for you if your dream man includes being a coward. If a man is truly unhappy, he will leave. Cheating/adultery is a selfish act period-there are options, but they require honesty and courage something that cheating men do not have. Technically they are not even men, they are boys.
BTW sex is not a right - one does not die without sex either and one certainly does not have to involve another human being to relieve their itch. A man who states that he is no longer having sex with his wife is more than likely lying or has been having sex with someone else before he met you.
I know a situation where the man, who has an incredibly beautiful and attentive wife, has been cheating with the neighborhood grocery store check-out clerk for years. The OW in this case is a bottle blonde who wears an incredible amount of make-up. Although, they both have the same body type, his wife is a natural beauty and a very kind tender-hearted gentle person. He is a good looking, glib, charming, and a very good liar. Lately, I saw his wife and was shocked to see that she had lost 25 pounds and she was svelte to begin with, she is looking very sad and the once sparkle-glitter in her eyes and ready smile is now gone. I feel bad for her children, although now adults, they have all but lost their mother - very sad.
As I see it, the problem is people who cheat feel entitled and care more about instant and self gratification than responsibility; building a long lasting fulfilling relationship. Look for a man, not a boy. Look for a person who is capable of delaying gratification, values honesty, and has courage.
Hi all, I would like to write something here. I was searching for some sort of support forum for a friend suffering consequences of an affair, as years ago a forum like this was a major factor in getting me through the most traumatic event in my life.
Reading again took me right back to a place I have tried to leave far behind but which continues to haunt me and has ruled my life in so many ways all these years. Why not take an opportunity to tell people how life is many years after an affair -for the victims.
I have read all the posts starting from four years ago and I am not surprised to see that nothing has changed much in world of those engaged in infidelity and adultery. The thing that struck me back then is still the same thing that strikes me now and that is the words that every unfaithful partner uses to justify their behaviour remain identical(the world over) as well as those of the willing participants in an affair who make it possible. I see the other women still making out the wives are at fault and somehow 'deserve' this to happen' The husbands are making out their wives don't meet their needs, love them, pay attention to them etc and they are only staying for the children etc etc etc.
It annoyed me to read the old accusation in one post above where the other woman admonishes by way of justification 'there were warning signs" as though somehow that makes a difference. Mostly the 'warning signs' are only visible in hindsight because the partner being cheated on and betrayed has enormous faith and trust in the person they love and have been denied informed choice.
The other women are still playing attention seeking games in order to boost their self esteem.That is the reason women engage in affairs - they need the thrill that they can take someone from someone else in order to prove how special they are(in their minds)and they thrive on attention seeking drama. They would be far better off working on themselves in order to receive genuine honest admiration for real achievements. To this day I do not understand why women are so pleased that a man would think so little of their morals and integrity that he would decide she would engage in an affair with him.
My experience as the wife of a cheating husband took place 13 years ago now and unless you have been through it it is impossible to describe to pain and suffering caused and the torture of the mental abuse inflicted. For having an affair is a form of abuse with long lasting consequences.It takes years for a person/ (people - because it affects more than just the spouse)to recover and they will even then never be able to view love and relationships in the same way. It is extremely cruel to devastate another person in this way.
Those involved in affairs break up marriages and not only destroy their own integrity, but destroy other peoples lives and ability to ever love and trust again.
Do any of you ever think of the consequences for all concerned? Do you think of the effect on the children and the extended family - all of whom will be affected for ever. Do you think of the effect on stability in out society? Do you think of what you are really taking away from them and usually for a relationship that ends up breaking down within a short time because it is built on rotten foundations and unreality and fantasy and neither can ever trust the other as they are proven liars and cheats. When the two affair partners get to live in the real world under the same conditions as he lived with his wife then reality bites.
My children were 15 and 17 when their safe world collapsed by the discovery of an affair - a discovery well and truly driven by the actions of the gloating other woman.My husband was a pathetic crying wreck afterwards.
My life and my childrens lives changed from that day on in so many ways and as a mother it still causes me pain and anguish and tears to know what happened to them and how I was powerless to stop it or protect them from the damage. My now 30 year old daughter has never married and never been able to form a good relationship as she is unable to trust any man enough to risk being vulnerable especially having children and risking putting them through what she and her brother experienced then, and ongoing. She has permanent psychological scaring from her fathers actions and I definitely blame women who make this possible. She will never experience that happy leap of faith of falling in love and trusting in a happy ever after life with someone which should happen for every young person. It is just a fact that this has been stripped away from her as a consequence of an affair. It is wrong.
From the day of discovery there have been no more family Christmases or holidays or knowing there are two parents at home offering security and support and the sense of belonging that contributes to overall happiness in life.
No more shared family life, no more sharing thoughts of graduations weddings and grandchildren coming home for holidays. Boxes of family photos and wedding photos that are too painful reminders of what was and what will no longer be.
There were major physical and financial changes to come to terms with.
My son felt betrayed and humiliated by his father and abandoned by him at a time he really needed him.He has no relationship with his father at all since then.
No matter who tries to tell you otherwise that all will be fine for the children etc it is not - ever again.
Due to inevitable fall out after an affair is discovered there will be division in extended family and friends. Not only did my children lose their father they lost their extended family on his side(their choice) and also their home and eventually friends and lifestyle when forced to move away to live. My parents lost a son in law whom they loved. It causes similar grieving to a death when there is no further contact.
As for the betrayed partner the shock and shattering of life's hopes and dreams is devastating beyond belief along with the shattering of self esteem.
People ask why a person would stay with a partner who has cheated on them. Again until you are in the situation you cannot understand. After a 20 or 25 year relationship with a person whom you love, the history that has been built up and life journey shared along with the plans made hopes and dreams for the future, aside from any practical financial arrangements, it is not easy to walk away and there is every reason to fight to retain everything. You don't stop loving someone overnight(otherwise you probably never loved them at all) Your world is immediately shattered by confusion and disbelief and reality turned upside down. Everything is questioned. You do not want to give up on this person you love and cared about all these years, and you certainly don't want life destroyed in so many other ways.
Sometimes it is worthwhile to keep going after an affair and sometimes virtually impossible.
Whatever the choice the outcome is hard.
In my case my heart wanted to retain the marriage but was in conflict with my head which found it difficult to accept such betrayal. In the early stage after discovery the betrayed persons self esteem plummets as the cheaters will be telling them and any one else who will listen how bad a person/partner they were to cause them to have an affair. In time one learns that this is further dishonesty and lies told by way of justification for the behaviour along with a rewriting of the history of the marriage. The marriage most likely had some problems which are often nothing to do with the partner as such but rather pressures which every marriage endures. This is not a reason to have an affair but rather the 'for worse' part of the marriage vow to be worked through.
Wives are often derided as fools or worse and yet they are not the ones who had the choice. One partner decides to let an outside person into the relationship without allowing the second person a choice as to whether or not they will accept it. The other women/man then enters the picture and starts influencing how the primary relationship will work and along the way steals time money affection and commitment from t
Hi all, I would like to write something here. I was searching for some sort of support forum for a friend suffering consequences of an affair, as years ago a forum like this was a major factor in getting me through the most traumatic event in my life.
Reading again took me right back to a place I have tried to leave far behind but which continues to haunt me and has ruled my life in so many ways all these years. Why not take an opportunity to tell people how life is many years after an affair for the victims.
I have read all the posts starting from four years ago and I am not surprised to see that nothing has changed much in world of those engaged in infidelity and adultery. The thing that struck me back then is still the same thing that strikes me now and that is the words that every unfaithful partner uses to justify their behaviour remain identical(the world over) as well as those of the willing participants in an affair who make it possible. I see the other women still making out the wives are at fault and somehow 'deserve' this to happen' The husbands are making out their wives don't meet their needs, love them, pay attention to them etc and they are only staying for the children etc etc etc.
It annoyed me to read the old accusation in one post above where the other woman admonishes by way of justification 'there were warning signs" as though somehow that makes a difference. Mostly the 'warning signs' are only visible in hindsight because the partner being cheated on and betrayed has enormous faith and trust in the person they love and have been denied informed choice.
The other women are still playing attention seeking games in order to boost their self esteem.That is the reason women engage in affairs - they need the thrill that they can take someone from someone else in order to prove how special they are(in their minds)and they thrive on attention seeking drama. They would be far better off working on themselves in order to receive genuine honest admiration for real achievements. To this day I do not understand why women are so pleased that a man would think so little of their morals and integrity that he would decide she would engage in an affair with him.
My experience as the wife of a cheating husband took place 13 years ago now and unless you have been through it it is impossible to describe to pain and suffering caused and the torture of the mental abuse inflicted. For having an affair is a form of abuse with long lasting consequences.It takes years for a person/ (people - because it affects more than just the spouse)to recover and they will even then never be able to view love and relationships in the same way. It is extremely cruel to devastate another person in this way.
Those involved in affairs break up marriages and not only destroy their own integrity, but destroy other peoples lives and ability to ever love and trust again.
Do any of you ever think of the consequences for all concerned? Do you think of the effect on the children and the extended family - all of whom will be affected for ever. Do you think of the effect on stability in out society? Do you think of what you are really taking away from them and usually for a relationship that ends up breaking down within a short time because it is built on rotten foundations and unreality and fantasy and neither can ever trust the other as they are proven liars and cheats. When the two affair partners get to live in the real world under the same conditions as he lived with his wife then reality bites.
My children were 15 and 17 when their safe world collapsed by the discovery of an affair - a discovery well and truly driven by the actions of the gloating other woman.My husband was a pathetic crying wreck afterwards.
My life and my childrens lives changed from that day on in so many ways and as a mother it still causes me pain and anguish and tears to know what happened to them and how I was powerless to stop it or protect them from the damage. My now 30 year old daughter has never married and never been able to form a good relationship as she is unable to trust any man enough to risk being vulnerable especially having children and risking putting them through what she and her brother experienced then, and ongoing. She has permanent psychological scaring from her fathers actions and I definitely blame women who make this possible. She will never experience that happy leap of faith of falling in love and trusting in a happy ever after life with someone which should happen for every young person. It is just a fact that this has been stripped away from her as a consequence of an affair. It is wrong.
From the day of discovery there have been no more family Christmases or holidays or knowing there are two parents at home offering security and support and the sense of belonging that contributes to overall happiness in life.
No more shared family life, no more sharing thoughts of graduations weddings and grandchildren coming home for holidays. Boxes of family photos and wedding photos that are too painful reminders of what was and what will no longer be.
There were major physical and financial changes to come to terms with.
My son felt betrayed and humiliated by his father and abandoned by him at a time he really needed him.He has no relationship with his father at all since then.
No matter who tries to tell you otherwise that all will be fine for the children etc it is not - ever again.
Due to inevitable fall out after an affair is discovered there will be division in extended family and friends. Not only did my children lose their father they lost their extended family on his side(their choice) and also their home and eventually friends and lifestyle when forced to move away to live. My parents lost a son in law whom they loved. It causes similar grieving to a death when there is no further contact.
As for the betrayed partner the shock and shattering of life's hopes and dreams is devastating beyond belief along with the shattering of self esteem.
People ask why a person would stay with a partner who has cheated on them. Again until you are in the situation you cannot understand. After a 20 or 25 year relationship with a person whom you love, the history that has been built up and life journey shared along with the plans made hopes and dreams for the future, aside from any practical financial arrangements, it is not easy to walk away and there is every reason to fight to retain everything. You don't stop loving someone overnight(otherwise you probably never loved them at all) Your world is immediately shattered by confusion and disbelief and reality turned upside down. Everything is questioned. You do not want to give up on this person you love and cared about all these years, and you certainly don't want life destroyed in so many other ways.
Sometimes it is worthwhile to keep going after an affair and sometimes virtually impossible.
Whatever the choice the outcome is hard.
In my case my heart wanted to retain the marriage but was in conflict with my head which found it difficult to accept such betrayal. In the early stage after discovery the betrayed persons self esteem plummets as the cheaters will be telling them and any one else who will listen how bad a person/partner they were to cause them to have an affair. In time one learns that this is further dishonesty and lies told by way of justification for the behaviour along with a rewriting of the history of the marriage. The marriage most likely had some problems which are often nothing to do with the partner as such but rather pressures which every marriage endures. This is not a reason to have an affair but rather the 'for worse' part of the marriage vow to be worked through.
Wives are often derided as fools or worse and yet they are not the ones who had the choice. One partner decides to let an outside person into the relationship without allowing the second person a choice as to whether or not they will accept it. The other women/man then enters the picture and starts influencing how the primary relationship will work and along the way steals time
Dear Imsostupid, I am praying for you and wishing all the best. It sounds like your doing the right thing and I am sure
it will all work it self out in the end for you. Be patient that is the key play. I appreciate your friendship here it has been a big help !
Good morning all, well i thought i'd pop in and give a wee update. I have ended my MM affair, even tho his wife had moved out and he had told her about me, he was still wishy washy and i felt that this was just an attempt to keep me under his thumb still. He knew that i had been seeing someone else-I'm not sure how, but he is a police officer so has plenty of "tools" at his disposal. I have contined to see the new guy and he has been amazing! I have never been with anyone as considerate and caring as him, he is fun to be around and spoils me rotten ha ha. The BEST thing of all is that i dont have to share him with anyone. He is open and honest and completely up front.
Ricky I hope things are going well for you and your lady and i hope that everyone else who is hurting on here, is starting to heal.
I still love my MM and still think of him every day, several times a day. I alternate between hating him and wishing him well in the future. I hope that he finds what he is looking for, cos i guess its not me.
All the best to everyone x
Wow! Both the wives and the other women are obviously beyond stupid. The wives want to use the excuse of oh I love him so much and we have children. Do you honestly know what your doing to your children staying in a relationship that obviously has no worth he is gonna do it over and over again why because you just like the mistress you so badly hate put up with a cheating lying man because your so insecure you can't move on and are just as pitiful as the mistress but twice as worse for using your children as an excuse to keep him and say you won well you didn't and your marriage is nothing but a piece of paper with no value to him! If he loved either one of you including his children he wouldn't cheat or have affairs. And you wives you call yourselves good mothers your supposed to protect your children not put them through hell for your own selfish "I love him he's my husband bs"! And hmmm the mistress wake up b4 you have a child from him and that child grows up asking why daddy only comes by every now and then and then grows up and ask why doesn't daddy love me like he loves his other children. And if you already have his child then I feel sorry for your child who will probably never know the love of a real father!
Hi Imsostupid:
It's good to hear from you ! The site has been a little quiet here past few days, so it is good to see you here.
Also, I am glad that things are going well for you. You sound happy and in peace. That is always a good thing, you know what I mean? As far as things with me and my lady is concerned. Things are going great ! We have been really communicating and resolving issues. We are going out on Halloween to a fancy club for dinner and dancing.
Since it's Halloween, all party goers will be dressed up in costumes. I will be in a cool looking dressed up Dracula outfit. My lady will be a Harem Girl, her outfit looks great ! We also made our plans to be together on the upcoming holidays as well as volunteer at a soup kitchen and help out there. So things are really looking up now, and we got past our bump in the road. Thanks for asking and keep in touch, I will do the same.
All the best- Ricky
DinaD1 wow you sound really angry! So which one are you? The stupid wife or the stupid mistress or maybe the child of one of them?
Ricky i'm so glad to hear that you and your lady are doing well, its great that you are going places together and doing things like a "real couple", thats one of the really hard things about being the other woman.... you dont really get to do couple things.
I feel a bit down today, tomorrow night is the Meatloaf concert that MM and i were meant to be going to together-our 1st real date so to speak.
I miss him everyday and cry most days, so no i'm not at peace, but the healing process has begun.
How is everyone else doing?
Dear Imsostupid:
I am glad you are healing, let the process go in a natural way. I am sure all will work out for you. I guess the difference for me is I am getting my divorce and want to marry my lady and she knows it. As well as my wife being amicable in all this. For all this I am grateful. I believe
that in your case you must take it one day at a time. Let a natural course flow and it will lead you to a great outcome. Happiness is just beyond that. Hang in there !
Much love, - Ricky
To Imsostupid,
Just wondering how you are doing? I agree, just take it one day at a time. You probably know all the things you should be doing. Hang out with friends. I don't know if they 'know' or not. I find it helpful to sometimes have someone to share my stuff with, but also equally helpful to have friend who doesn't 'know'. My mind is then distracted as I don't get to talk about 'him'.
Find other things to look forward too. I had to avoid places where we had spent time. I had to almost completely stop listening to any music as that would just set me off, crying my eyes out! Music is SO emotive.
When you can, try and limit time thinking about him. Or visually place him some where, like in a drawer to symbolize him not being on your mind (I have found it helpful, although not always possible to control where my thoughts go, but it is getting easier).
For me it has taken about a year to get used to the fact that we are not ever going to be together, like EVER. It was heart-breaking to begin with. This healing process takes a very long time. Be kind to yourself, this is a long road. Someone said to me that in 3, 6, 12 months time, if I looked back I'd be able to see the process I had made. When you are in the thick of it, it is hard to see, but it has held true. I'm by no means 'fixed' but I have made good progress.
How is it going with the new man? Is it working out?
Dear I'm so stupid, how are you doing? I have been following your posts on here and really feel for you.
I too have been seeing a mm, well was it went on fir 6yrs his wife found out and bam he won't speak to me. I don't even know if he is still with her. She found our once before but he kept in touch and things started again but this time it seems like he won't again.
I know how you feel, it's been 2 months now and I cry every day. I miss him so much. Reading the posts on here really help but I honestly dont know what to do or how to get over it. The thought of never seeing him again terrifies me.
We are both cops but don't work together - believe me never trust a cop. I know what they are like and they are all cheats!
I've spent the last several hours reading through many of the posts on here. And I am so grateful to have come across this page. I have gotten myself into my own mess with a married man (I am also married)
We work together, while not for the same company, we see each other on a regular basis. He pursued me, I remember early on, we would be chatting, and it seemed like he was gazing into my soul, and I remember thinking: "No man has ever looked at me like that". And I thought it was real love, but after reading the comments on this page, my doubts have intensified. I feel a connection with him, but have never asked him to leave his wife (he says he is going to, but...) he has 2 small children, and I would never encourage him to abandon them.
And if I am going to be honest, I'm not sure I even think we would make a good couple, we have "nothing" in common. I recently finished graduate school, I am a professional white female from the suburbs. He is black man, straight from the "hood". But we share a similar "heart" meaning we show affection in the same way, our respective spouses put a "huge" emphasis on material things. I do believe in a different set of circumstances, we could have been "something".
In the beginning, he would tell he how much he wanted to be with me, and how he was going to do whatever it took to have a life with me. After several months of "talk", I started feeling guilty about our affair, and I tried to break up with him. And, as I read from so many other people, as soon as I pulled away, suddenly he's 100 times more interested. He successfully pulled me back in. But now, I am looking to end it for good. I never leave work without physically saying goodbye to him, and today, I sent him a text simply saying "I'm out".
I never intended for this to happen, I never had a good male role model in my life, and I am horrible at judging a man's character and integrity. That said I'm by no means a "broken" woman, I am just terrible at picking men. I have tons of successful female relationships, I have excellent interpersonal skills, and am a "rational" thinker, I'm kind, smart, caring.
But those "crumbs of time" I get from him, make me think the anguish is worth it. When I "know" that makes absolutely no sense.
My husband thinks providing a nice home, and paying the bills are the extent of his duties as a husband. I feel a little guilty, sometimes I think I'm having my cake and eating it too. Because the other man, could never provide the lifestyle my husband provides me. But I was never as physically attracted to my husband as I am to my MM.
I want out of this "infidelity lifestyle" , I am looking to get out of my marriage, and I don't want this (one) lapse in judgment to set the stage for my future. I love my MM, but I would never fully trust him. I just need the strengthen to follow through this time and be firm about ending it.
Hi everyone
Guardedheart thank you for your lovely words, yes i am getting through it day by day. I still think about him everyday and to be honest i still cry about him everyday, god i hate that he has this power over my stupid emotions! My new man is the most lovely,funny, caring man you could ever meet. I feel like i am doing him a bit of a diservice in that i still love my MM, but it has only been a month and is still early days. They are totally different guys and maybe 1 day down the track i will be able to love the "right" kind of guy, who is good for me, rather than pick the asshole ones ha ha.
UK fool that is interesting what you say about never trust a cop, they certainly are very good at manipulating and playing you, its something they are taught and there were many times that i felt "played", Everytime i tried to pull away, he knew exactly which buttons to push to drag me back in....mind you i was happy enough to be "dragged" so i cant exactly blame him.
I guess you and i just need time, i used to say to my MM "i cant imagine you not being in my life" and to be honest i still have that niggly feeling in the back of my mind that i will see him again 1 day.
I kinda feel like its like giving up an addiction and we have to take it 1 day at a time. Be strong girl! You deserve better.... we all deserve better. I cant believe how awesome it is to actually be able to go out for dinner in public and not have to look around and see who's there, to be able to spend the night with him, to be able to ring whenever i like and not have to text 1st to see if its ok! Life is so much less complicated with and non MM.
Be strong.....Ann you deserve better than crumbs and you know it. Maybe your husband isn't the right man for you, but nor is your MM. Have a really good look at your life and see if its worth trying to get your hubby to be that man you want him to be (you loved him once obviously) and if not then its time to move on. Everyone deserves to be happy, dont stay to make other people happy...life is too short.
Imsostupid, thank you for the kind words. And that is great advice, I plan on taking a look at my life. Today, I came across the "Unhappily Married Men" article, and have been fascinated reading that. My husband stopped showing me "love and affection" after we got married. And I am starting to believe some people are together for the perfect "picture", that is my husband…. I on the other hand want something "real" I don't need perfect. And I "wrongly" thought I found something "real" in my MM, but if he "really" loved me he would have wanted to do things the right way.
You don't treat people you "love" the way MM treat their "pieces on the side"……..And I can't even be bitter towards my MM, my relationship with him, made me realize how unhappy I am in my marriage, for that I am thankful. I'm more mad at myself for being naïve and having believed all the "pretty little lies" my MM told me. Looking back, my MM lies to his wife,….. Of course he was going to lie to "me" and tell me what I wanted to hear.
I haven't spoken with my MM since Sunday. I'm on vacation from work, so I won't see him until next week. The more days I avoid him, the more I am realizing how wrong he is for me. I don't know about everyone else, but NOBODY in my life , knows about my situation. I am so grateful for having found an "outlet" for my emotions, I think just being able to express my feelings, may be all I need to "get over him". I never told anyone about him, mainly because I knew realistically it wouldn’t end "well", and I simply didn’t want anyone to answer to when things went sour.
I can't help but think for myself and others, how the "isolation" affected my ability to see him for who he really is. Because after writing my first post, I imagined myself telling one of my friends about the situation, and I imagined their reactions…… And it was a light bulb moment for me, if I had opened up to someone about this, I seriously doubt I would have gotten in this deep. I am a "good girl", and my friends and family would be shocked to know of my behavior. And I imagine that would have said WTF are you thinking about doing……and maybe I would have thoroughly "thought" about it.
Oh Ann dont beat yourself up too bad :-) we all want to give and receive love and sometimes we fall in love with the idea of love. I made the rather stupid mistake of introducing my MM to my friends and even my family.... after all according to him we were going to be together as soon as the house was done, and he wanted to meet them all. What a dick i now look like!
Be strong and you will get through this, i think back to other times i've had a broken heart and we get through it, time is a great healer.
Ricky how are you and your lady going?
Hi all,
imsostupid - when I read your post I felt almost as if I had written it! I also feel that I will see my mm man again - it is very likely as we work in the same organisation, however I kind of get the feeling that he might come back to me be in a year or 5 down the line - I just dont want to build my hopes up though, or is it the denial part of the grieving?
A lot if not all cops cheat - I work with them on a daily basis so I know, I dont know what it is but it seems to be more accetable than in any other place I have worked, even the guys in work tell me not to date a cop, this is cops telling me! However I cant say that they are all the same as they arent, I'm sure your mm did love you but when it comes to the crunch they cant loose face and look like the bad guy. Have you heard from him since? How are things going with your new guy?
I still havent heard anything, I am so close to contacting him but I think he will just ignore me so what is the point? I am so upset, I went to see my doctor who gave me some tablets however I havent started taking them. I have been on a couple of dates ith a lovely single guy but I dont think I am ready to date just yet and dont want to mess him about I think I need to get myself right first.
Ann you are being way to hard on yourself. Does your husband know how you feel about him not giving you the affection that you have craved? Is there no way you can save your marriage? Maybe you need to walk away from your husband and get yourself right, if you are meant to be with your mm you will end up together if not you can give yourself the chance to be happy with someone else which is what you deserve.
Hi all,
imsostupid - when I read your post I felt almost as if I had written it! I also feel that I will see my mm man again - it is very likely as we work in the same organisation, however I kind of get the feeling that he might come back to me be in a year or 5 down the line - I just dont want to build my hopes up though, or is it the denial part of the grieving?
A lot if not all cops cheat - I work with them on a daily basis so I know, I dont know what it is but it seems to be more accetable than in any other place I have worked, even the guys in work tell me not to date a cop, this is cops telling me! However I cant say that they are all the same as they arent, I'm sure your mm did love you but when it comes to the crunch they cant loose face and look like the bad guy. Have you heard from him since? How are things going with your new guy?
I still havent heard anything, I am so close to contacting him but I think he will just ignore me so what is the point? I am so upset, I went to see my doctor who gave me some tablets however I havent started taking them. I have been on a couple of dates ith a lovely single guy but I dont think I am ready to date just yet and dont want to mess him about I think I need to get myself right first.
Ann you are being way to hard on yourself. Does your husband know how you feel about him not giving you the affection that you have craved? Is there no way you can save your marriage? Maybe you need to walk away from your husband and get yourself right, if you are meant to be with your mm you will end up together if not you can give yourself the chance to be happy with someone else which is what you deserve.
Isn't it funny how we feel we will see them again! Do you think its just because we crave them and cant stand the thought of never seeing them? I dont know. I told my MM to get out of my life about 5 years ago and he did for a year, then he rang me on my birthday and we started being friends again. Its my birthday in 12 days and i guess part of me is hoping that he will call. I haven't heard from him, but i've been tempted to text him so many times...but i havent! Gawd this is worse than giving up smoking (6 weeks today).
Things are going well with the new guy but i think he is getting more emotionally involved than i am. I really like him and we have a lot of fun together and he treats me so well, but i still love MM and i dont feel capable of love with someone else. I just hope that new guy doesn't say the "L" word cos i wont be able to say it back and the last thing i want to do is hurt him.
UK Girl maybe you should go on a date, i found being with someone else quite healing, you just have to make sure that you dont run into the problem that i have, and try and keep things casual
Dear Imsostupid:
We are doing great ! I just took her out for Halloween.
So, we went to this club it was awesome. We danced, we
ate, we had some drinks and really had an intimate time.
It was a lot of fun, we danced till 3 AM ! It was cool.
I may have made comment on this before, but it seems from all the evidence I've come across that us women (wives) are more likely to stray if we are truly unhappy in our marriages. We then transfer all our affection to the affair partner. Many times the man begins an affair and the love (a lot or a little) that he has for his wife remains unchanged. Many decent men love their affair partners and grieve deeply when they have to give them up.
For me, it has/is taking a very long time to adjust to the idea that A) we will never be together and B) I may never see him again. I think it is less painful at least immediately, when I don't accept these. But also I am away that it keeps me trapped in useless hope. Pointless, useless hope. So Ann, Imsostupid, I think that is why we think we will see them again. We don't really want to give them up completely.
I'm amazed at the strength of emotions, or 'feelings of love' that we have for these MM's. Probably just indictive of the situation and not necessarily meaning they are 'right for us'. Painful nevertheless.
Though my heart doesn't want it, I am deciding to give my marriage a pretty good crack. I have hurt my husband no end. I guess I believe for me, healing and improving this relationship would give me and the people around me the greatest joy. In our marriage, it's me that has to change. I have to love him without judgement or expecting anything back. Easier said than done, but not impossible. In saying that, my husband is a pretty great husband. He gives me the world. Now I just have to give him back my heart.....if I can just get it back from where I left it last.....arhhhh
Anyway, one foot in front of the other. Like a quote I heard, can remember who from "Life is like riding a bike, to keep your balance you have to keep moving".
Hi all, I'm so stupid, how did you cope with the 5 yrs not being with him? Did you have no contact at all. I feel physically sick the thought of not seeing him again. But if he won't even speak to me I'm having to come to terms with the fact that this maybe the case.
I told the single guy that I am not ready for a relationship just yet, he was really lovely about it, said he understood and if I needed anything to let him know. I just didn't feel like I could mess him about as my heart wasn't in it really.
I know what you mean about him falling for you, it could be tricky but if you like him then just go with the flow and see what happens.
I am going away this weekend to stay with a friend, will be nice to get away for a few days.
Ricky it's nice to see that this situation works out for some people and it's not all bad news!!
Ricky - you're a coward and I suspect either a sociopath or a narcissist. At the very least you're a user. You took everything your wife had and then totally disrespected her by going behind her back and screwing other women whilst living off of her. I doubt the women you have now is your first or only. There is a special place in hell for boys like you.
Guarded heart i admire you so much for trying to repair your marriage. Good on you and i wish you the best of luck, i hope that you can get those feelings of love back for him.
UK Fool, i was only out of contact with him for a year (not 5 years) and how did i cope? Well i cried for months and then i told myself that he was dead to me and that this was the best thing for everyone. At that time he had told me that he wouldn't leave his wife and I knew that i was only setting myself up for a world of pain if i stayed in contact with him.
Its actually harder this time, knowing that he loves me and knowing that he has actually left his wife. I had managed to go nearly a week without crying about him, but then had to contact him about something of mine that he had (was quite expensive so i couldn't just leave it). I sent him an email asking for it back and heard nothing from him for hours, then he text me and said he had left it on the bonnet of my car. I know he did the right thing but it really hurts that he wouldn't even bring it in to me (at work). Probably just as well really cos i've put on 6kg since i stopped smoking and am getting a bit porky ha ha, would hate him to see me like this.
One step at a time girl, i guess i'm still in angry phase cos i really want to punch him in the face! I'm not usually a violent person but that would feel soooooooooo good lol.
Stolen lives, thats a bit rough don't you think? Why do you say that about Ricky?
Imsostupid , I did fall in love with the idea that, someone cared for me… And I believed everything my MM told me, even though his "actions" never lived up :/ ....I am praying time is on my side, and that the hustle of the holidays will be a great distraction. Thank you for the advice, I must say again, how grateful I am to finally have found an outlet in this hub page for my emotions regarding my MM.
UK Fool, I realize I may be a bit harsh on myself. I have told my husband what I need, and that affection and communication are important to me in a relationship, and he has simply told me he doesn't care what I want.
I went over a week and a half without seeing my MM. But we work together, so that only lasted so long. I saw him today for the first time, and (of course) he gives me a big hug, and says: "there's the love of my life". And (of course) my heart starts racing and I got butterflies. And in my head I kept saying, don't get sucked back in..
I haven't "seen" him outside of work in over 3 weeks. We really haven't seen much of each other in the last 3 months. Our relationship began about a year ago, we've only been intimate 4 times. And ironically, I just found out, I will be leaving my current job in the next 2 weeks and will be starting a new position, at a "different" location. I am praying the distance, will allow me to work on getting over him.
I know the goodbye is going to be hell.
This isn't my first broken heart, I am looking forward to "that day" when I can look back and see that I've survived the heartache and live is marching on.......
Hello Veronica and Everyone:
I stumbled upon your Hub/Forum out of sheer desperation and to find strength and counseling to leave.
I had just come to live in Philly go to school.
Married a man 13 years my senior when I was 18 years old. He is a nice man, offered me a car, house, and all the ganja I could smoke. He is an ex-heroin addict. I didn't think about love. I didn't know about love or relationships. I was a kid. I went along for the ride.
22 Years later, I met The M.M in a bar in South Fla. I asked the waitress to say hello for me, he sent Champagne with one glass. When he stood in front of me, I thought; I have never seen anything so beautiful in all of my existence. He told me his wife said to him not to come home.
I felt God and all the angels had put this marvelous creature in my path because this was what I had been praying and waiting for all my life.
The fact that we both were in the same Industry was a confirmation.
So I had to fly up to see him. No big deal, I could do it without incurring any expense.
He was unhappy/unfulfilled as much as I was.
If I had to carve a man with all of my specs it would look exactly like him... I couldn't believe it.
Four years later. The pain, anxiety, depression, fear, emotional turmoil, sadness, tears, frustration, anger, loneliness, hurt, despair, denial, embarrassment, rejection, guilt, insecurity, disappointments, lies. Interpreting emails, voice and text messages, for any comfort, any valuable piece of information that said. You and I forever... Never happened. I could go on.
I couldn't have possibly have known what I had signed up for. I gave all much of myself. I never knew what I had to give to some one else, until I met this M.M. I wanted to please him like no one before. I had never been in love before, so all this was new to me.
Days before; the hair, waxing, clothes, lingerie, music for hotel room, shoes to his liking, perfume, gifts for him, and the endless list of questions. Yes, hundreds of questions that went around and around. I didn't see the stalling, I thought he was making progress, slow but steady, he would say key words that gave me hope. I needed to hear it from him.
Once I surprised him with a lap dance, he ended up teaching me how to do it. Imagine that. I would give him hour massages. He used to be a masseuse.
I gave him and then I gave some more. I felt depleted when I left. He gave very little, said very little. Just showed up and took it all happily.
I felt I couldn't leave, If this was going not to be my future, then, the M.M had to end it. So many people try to give advice, I took anti depressents, seeked proffesional counseling, but there is no listening to any of it until one is ready.
I finally knew that If anything was going to break, The God I believe in had to help me. So I got on my knees and went after my faith.
It all went down rather unenventfully, ironically enough,
I asked straight out, "Well, because youre leaving right?"
He answered: "Well, somedays I feel like I want to leave, and then somedays I don't."
I said that is what marriage is. Mine is not that way. You obvously have something. I wish you the best.
He said please don't end it this way.
And my sobs and tears got the best of me and I said Bye, Bye. and I hung up.
It's FINALLY over. This is a quote that I read somewhere.
" MY WORST DAY WITHOUT HIM, IS BETTER THAN THE BEST DAY WITH HIM."
If this is an inspiration to anyone, like the posts have been to me. I am grateful. I thank everyone that has written a post on Veronica's Hub; It helped me get through. Writing this is helping me heal and put the past behind me where it belongs.
All My Love to Everyone Here.
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hi, i understand and Iam too going thru the same situation i been married for 13 years with my husband and its always been a roller coster with him but despite his infidelities i have to say that how dumb can these women be by messing with a married men!! they say bad things about us just to see if they still got game and when u give them the oportunity they are going to play until u no longer let them! they will not leave us yes some do but not all of them!
this woman well girl shes only 24, they meet at his job back in sept. 2009 she knew he is married with kids and dint care at all! he has called it off plenty of times but shes the one that doesnt let him go! she claims he loves her more than me and his kids but yet he has never left me for her! she got prego and claims the kid is my husband he was never there for her when she was prego and wasnt there when the kid was born! he never went out with her anywere he would go to work and come home! they managed to have the affare during his lunch which is only 1hour! how patethic in my behalf that a woman would setle for less of a mans time! still to this day she claims they are still together but yet he never goes anywere with her and if they do see each other its only durring his lunch! but yet during his 2 15breaks that he takes hes on the phone with me and during his lunch hes on the phone with me so how low can a woman really put herself for a married man! she claims that when hes txt me or on the phone talking to me she is right there next to him hughing, kissing and having sex wow who on earth would actually put up with that! that not spending time at all and that not love for u other women! who would let there supposably MM they are messing with allow that to happen while they are being intimate and speding time together be on the phone with the wife while he is suposably having sex or giving u quality time! i read many of these and none of u other women who are messing with MM will be dumb enough to allow that!! isnt that ur guys time to be alone together cause u guys supposably love each other!! see this dumb girl thinks shes got my husband and she thinks he will leave us for her and her kid! but i belive that actions speak louder than works!! works come and go and they do come and go my MM to u sorry asses that like to reack homes!! everything gets payed back and if he is doing to the wife what makes u think he wont do it to u also once hes with u like u want him!! i read several of them and it turned out that it is happening to some of u and know u want to seek help and to find out if hes doing it to u also! well he is and he will until u leave our MM alone! it u women who let them and only u are the one that can make ur self look less of a Wh**e!! its sad that when she doesnt get what she want she has to tell dear mommy to come and help her out cause she cant do it!! why mess with MM and bring in ur mommies to clean up ur messes be big enough and deal with the consencuenses that come with messing around with a MM and dont bring ur MOmmies or friends and family to help u out make the MM leave there wife cause u have them treating and harring him cause he wont leave his wife and kids for u Wh**es!! in conclusing some of us wife here will not leave our MM for ur pleasure and victory!! they are just playing u girls women what ever u want to call ur selfs to me and others here u are nothing but wh**es and homereckers!
U cant want something that was never urs to begins with!!
Actions speak louder than words always remember that!!
if ur happy with less then 1 hour of his time then so bea it u r indead less of a woman for doing so and there for have branded ur self for the whole world to see that ur a WH**e!!
Dear Stolen Lives:
First I want to say thank you for writing your comment.
You don't know the truth and that is why you responded
in the emotional way you did. First, my wife and I are
not in love anymore. We both talked about it went for
counseling and agreed we are living like a brother and sister or roommates at best. I have also been going through this for over 10 years, I stuck with my wife
because if the divorce were going to happen I wanted her
to initiate it. Which she did. I would have stuck with my wife if this could have worked out. We tried and we are both in agreement that we are not in love anymore. We do love eachother and are great friends still and will always be. However in the last 4 years I have met my true soulmate and we have abstained from sex till I get my divorce. My wife is a wonderful person, we are not in love anymore that's it. I don't go around cheating or looking. I have had many opportunities prior and never took advantage of it. I just found somebody I love and loves me and was willing to wait for the divorce to go through. I felt bad for my lady because she had to wait in all this. Just some advice to you, before you go on the attack on anybody. Find out who the people really are and what the situation really is. Then you can comment on what you feel. In this situation it's simple two people are not in love with eachother anymore. Also, there is a possibility for two people who are in love to have a great life together. All three people involved are good people. Just be careful with your assumptions, get the facts then comment. OK? Sincerely, Ricky
Hello UK FOOl:
Thank you so much for writing in. Yes it's nice when sometimes things do work out. Let me say that this is
no walk in the park for any of us. I am just grateful
that there is a chance for me and my lady friend to
have a great life together. It is going to take work.
I believe the interesting thing about life is to never
take any thing or anyone for granted. You just never know what can happen. My wife and I have been married 27 years
and the last 10 to 12 years have been rough. Yet, you don't complain, you look for the good in all of it and you move on the best way you know how. Life is a gift and I appreciate it no matter what happens. Thanks again !
Sincerely-Ricky
Imsostupid, yes, perhaps my comment was somewhat harsh. However, read lynath's post from 3 weeks ago to hear the truth about the fallout of adultery on family members.
Adultery is an innately profoundly selfish, cowardly and immature act. If one is having problems in their marriage, talk to the spouse, seek counseling to determine if the relationship is worth saving. If not, divorce and then move on to another person. A person who has an affair is looking only to their own self interests which is a hallmark of the narcissist. Inevitably, lying is involved when cheating which is another hallmark of a narcissist. The women who continue a relationship with a MM are also narcissistic, it takes a huge amount of arrogance to think that he won't due to me what he is doing to his wife because they believe they are somehow more special. This type of thinking could also be a way of denying the fact that the other women is sloppy seconds, yet can not accept this truth.
The belief that decent men love their mistresses is ludicrous. Decent men don't cheat to begin with. To consider a man who would cheat not only on his wife, but also his children is not decent unless one has an extremely low bar for decency.
Obviously it is inevitable that at sometime during the marriage one or both partners will be attracted to another person; just because one person is attracted to another does not mean that person must act to take it further. The whole point of marriage is monogamy, trust and respect. Some couples have open marriages, but that is not the topic of this hub. A MM who has an affair is denying his wife the choice of whether to remain with him or leave which is precisely why he does not tell her and keeps it hidden. Think about the degree of selfishness it takes to do that to another human being? At the end of the day all one has is their integrity and character. No one lies on their death bed and says geez I wish I would have cheated on my spouse with more partners unless they are total scum. In the overwhelming number of cases the other women is merely being used to satisfy the selfish sense of entitlement the MM obviously possess. Let the wife know and then and only then will you discover just how much the MM really loves you. Of course a MM is going to make himself look like the victim in an unhappy marriage. Do you really think he is going to come out and say I want to insert it into as many vagina's that I find attractive and that will let me, you game? Men do not need any emotional or otherwise attachment to engage in sex, yet they know most women want to believe they are something more than a piece on the side and are very good at supplying whatever line or lie that is needed at the time.
Ricky's story just does not add up to me. First he claims his wife was going through menopause and stated that she would "understand" if he had an affair, yet he kept his affair a secret from her for four years that doesn't make sense. He also stated that despite being 51 he felt 20 and is a highly sexual person. That statement sirens mid life crisis to me or a person who has a sex addiction. Also he was unemployed as he said he was having financial difficulties and so could not pursue a divorce and was not working yet did not tell his wife about the affair during this time probably because she would have kicked him out - who wants to support their spouses sexcapades while trying to put a daughter through college? He did not admit his adultery until the OW forced his hand by withholding sex from him and finally breaking off the relationship for a time. Ricky wanted to ensure that he had his new fish on the line before dumping his old fish who was supporting him financially. Using menopause as an excuse is comedic. Many women experience increased sexual drive due to the ratio of estrogen vs testosterone being closer and the fact pregnancy or the need for protection is no longer an issue and with kids out of the house sex can be spontaneous and exciting again. His new women is 43, it won't be long before she enters menopause - what will he do then - find another younger women to satisfy his sexual drive?
His daughter would have respect for him had he ended the relationship first - moved out and then began a romantic relationship with the OW which, according to Ricky, the wife also knew and would have "understood" as he himself stated. His daughter is certainly not going to go for his but your Mom wouldn't have sex with me tale of woe and we were going to divorce anyway, so I just decided to get ahead start w/o your Mom's knowledge and financial backing despite the money I spent on the OW taking away from your college fund, besides your Mom said I could have an affair. I'm not buying it. Why is ricky on this hub encouraging women to carry on with MM? Perhaps he is attempting to justify his own choices. Then there is the fact that when the wife did find out, she wanted a divorce so his claim of her "understanding" his sexual needs and the need for him to have an affair due to her menopause is pure bunk in my opinion. Also the fact his OW has had a previous affair with a MM shows she may be the competitive type of women who just likes the challenge of taking a man from another women or has her own monogamy or commitment issues. The fact remains that ricky put his own needs ahead of everyone else's and thought nothing of lying, cheating, and hiding financial spending to do so. He did not have the courage to be honest with his wife, the OW, his daughter or himself.
To goodbyeGirl:
My dear you have hit the nail on the head.
The excuses, the reasons as why they don't leave... Time invested. Four Years for me.
Thank You.
I can relate to so many of the stories posted. I have been married for 25 years and I recently had an affair with a married man for two years. I never thought I would have an affair but this was someone from my past. My first boyfriend and he pursued me.
It was at a very difficult time in my marriage. For the last ten years my husband and I have been having problems with sex. His sex drive has decreased and he has problems with erections. This led to not only a lack of sex between the two of us but a lack of intimacy as well. I was lonely and vulnerable. Our children had moved out and I turned to my work for fulfillment.This man came into my life at a very weak moment.
We started out as old friends catching up and sharing life experiences. We seemed to both be experiencing a lack of sex and intimacy in our marriages. We would talk for hrs.He made me fill alive again. He brought excitement to my life. Things quickly took on a sexual tone and we slept together. We couldn't see each other much because we live in different states but I quickly became attached to him. He told me he loved me and that I was beautiful. However, he never told me he would leave his wife and I would never leave my husband. I just needed the intimacy and sex from him. I was in love with him. He said he loved me but never said he was in love with me. He later admitted that he had four affairs prior to ours. One that lasted for eight years and is still in contact with that person. He had a very high sex drive and tried to get me to experiment more with him.
Things between us began to change over time. He didn't call or come to see me as much. Every time I would try to end it he would convince me to continue with the relationship. As time went on he was not as loving and caring anymore. I finally ended it. But there are times when I miss him and find myself wanting to txt or call him. I know that this relationship wasn't good for me and it has affected my self esteem. He met a need for me. I'm not going back to that but I'm so unhappy in my marriage. My husband is a good man but I'm a very sexual person and need more intimacy. I don't believe in divorce. I don't want to hurt my husband or my children. I don't know what to do?
Hi Veronica and everybody else,
I desperately need advise. I like my husband but have never been in love with him. He likes me but I doubt whether he has ever been in love with me. I am not attracted to him, he is not attracted to me and we have had absolutely no physical connection for the past 10 years. We live like friends, financial partners and co-parents. Of the two of us, my H says he is ok with this this life. But I have always felt lonely and emotionally and sexually deprived. Also me and my H are very different and there are no common things we like to do. A long time back I had a short relationship with a colleague when we were much younger and my H found out and forced me to break it up. A decade and a half later I find I am still in love with this person and so is he. He is married and is in an open marraige. I know first hand that his wife knew of us being together and I also knew back then she was also in some kind of a relationship outside of her marraige. As per him, they both know they do not love each other and have decided to live as independent lives as possible.
Now in my fourties, more lonely than ever, I am back in touch with him and I love him so much. I want to explore my relationship with him. I want to express my love. I dont need to stay with him for ever or dont need him to leave his wife. Whatever little time life offers us I am willing to take that and be happy. My H is a good friend and I am sure both of us can live the same life we are living, which is of pleasant, secure, co-parenting. The problem is I want to tell my husband that I am in a relationship with this person, before I start. Cause I dont want to lie. I want this beaustiful thing to be open and not hidden and sleazy. But I know my H will not agree. i am scared to take the big decision of leaving my H and I know I will never no love like I have known with this man if I give him up. This man has finshed all his repsonsibilties and his children are grown up. I have a very young child. What should I do?
Hi Veronica and everybody else,
I desperately need advise. I like my husband but have never been in love with him. He likes me but I doubt whether he has ever been in love with me. I am not attracted to him, he is not attrcated to me and we have had absolutely noy physical connection for the past 10 years. We live like friends, financial partners and co-parents. Of the two of us, my H says he is ok with this this life. But I have always felt lonely and emotionally and sexually deprived. Also me and my H are very different and there are no common things we like to do. long time back I had a short relationship with a colleague when we were much younger and my H found out and forced me to break it up. A decase and a half later I find I am still in love with this person and so is he. He is married and is in an open marraige. I know first hand that his wife knew of us being together and I also knew back then she was also in some kind of a relationship outsisde of her marraige. As per him, they both know they do not love each other and have decided o live as independent lives as possible.
Now in my fourties, more lonely than ever, I am back in touch with him and I love him so much. I want to explore my relationship with him. I want to express my love. I dont need to stay with him for ever or dont need him to leave his life. whatever little time life offers us I am willing to take that and be happy. My H is a good friend and I am sure both of us can live the same life we are living, which is of pleasant, secure, co-parenting. The problem is I want to tell my husband that I am in a relationship with this person, before I start. Cause I dont want to lie. i want this beaustiful thing to be open and not hidden and sleazy. But I know my H will not agree. i am scared to take the big decision of leaving him. What should I do?
I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of my relationship. I don't really want advice from people who don't know me or my boyfriend, because I think it's all too easy to make sweeping comments and generalizations to strangers. But I wanted to make a couple of comments, because some of these posts really saddened me.
First I hate that so many of the 'wives' damn all the 'mistresses' as 'whores', 'evil homewreckers' etc. Why do the men get off scott free? As others have said, HE made the promises to you, to her you are just a shadowy figure, who she tries not to think about. She possibly feels a lot of guilt, but she is in love. I don't expect you to forgive, or feel sympathy, but your husband is the one to blame! Accept that. Either he doesn't love you, or he's an asshole (maybe both!). I am not a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes, but the REAL mistake was his. I was single. Take a look at your partner and if you need to hate someone it should be him. Marriage is difficult. Life is not black and white. People fall in and out of love. People get married for the wrong reasons etc etc. And some men do leave their wives. Some don't, some do. Only you know what the truth of your relationship is. Don't let it go on for too long. Try not to waste years of your life and don't make the mistake again if it does not work out. The women who have had several relationships with married men, then perhaps you need to look at why you keep doing this, but it can happen to anyone once. Never say never. I NEVER believed I would end up as a mistress. I've done it for a year now and if nothing changes soon then I pray I will find the strength to end it. I met someone and I fell in love. He loves me too; you know when someone loves you. When someone cries when they have to leave you, when someone is in emotional turmoil over what they are doing to you (and their family). I'm not stupid and maybe I will need to make the break soon, but don't let people who don't know you tell you what to do. Life is not so straightforward.
Someone please do comment and help me out. I desperately need advise.
Someone please read my story and help me.
I am one of the so called mistress in this world. But thank you, since I found out about hub few days I learnt a lot from reading all you story. And I am not giving myself some space from my ''MM''. I knew he would never leave his wife for me or for anyone else. I have been seeing him 4 to almost 5 years now sort of on and off because in spite of seeing me plus having a wife, he has been seeing several more other woman out there where he met on dating site as you can imagine. Just a few days ago he meta gain because he and his wife is getting better at home again after another mayor problem from other woman. Like his wife I dont know for how many times he has forgiven, I have forgiven him for 4 times founding out he is seeing this girls one is shemale. He knew he meant so much the world for me and I cant just think the fear of losing him. It's really is hell and heaven being with a married man. BUt what about reading some stories from man who are havig relationship with married woman? Be nice to hear how their experience from it too.
I agree with Mukky, it takes tow to tangle. The MM are not blameless and the wives shouldn't direct all their anger toward the mistress. In some cases the MM are not up front about their marital status and don't reveal that they're married until the other women is emotional invested in the relationship making it harder for her to walk away.Some married men (like the one I was with) have had multiple affairs and feel it's their right as a man to have multiple women. I'm not condoning cheating but let's put the blame where it belongs.
Dear Stolenlives:
What does not add up is your accusations ! Shame on you with all your rhetoric. You just can't accept the fact that people are honest and do the right thing in
relationships. I know all are not honest about this stuff but we are. We are moving forward in our lives
and are all happy. Get that through your thick skull.
You think you know a lot, you know nothing ! You're an
Oprah want to be on this subject and you have no idea
what you are talking about. You are pathetic at best.
If you can't help people then shut up. This is a forum to help people not attack them. What is wrong with you, you psycho ! Sincerely,-Ricky
Dear Marriedandlonely:
I feel your pain. Listen, the best thing to do now is find a marriage counselor for the sake of your marriage. Tell your husband how you feel and ask him to go with you to do this together. I hope he says yes. Then from there you can open up and let your feelings and your heart do the talking. I wish you much luck. Also, there are never easy answers to the things people go through. However, if we have friends to help us along the way that is all that matters. You are not alone ! I will pray for you and your husband. Sincerely, Ricky
Dear Pooran:
I would like to offer you this advice. Before you do or say anything, go see a marriage counselor. You need professional help here. Ask your husband to go with you so you can discuss it together under professional supervision. Good Luck-Sincerely, Ricky
Dear Imsostupid:
How are you? I missed you on here. Got some wild stuff going on here. I hope to hear from you soon. I hope all is well with you. Sincerely, Ricky
Pooran27 I feel you pain I did love my husband and fell out of love and I decided that I couldn't live in a Marrage where I didn't love my h. It was a hard and heartbreaking decision but over all it was the best decision. I made its not been easy with the children but finally we have come to a good understanding with them and it's working we are both happier and good friends now and it's only taken 6 months. My advice would be to leave if that's what u truely want and are as unhappy as u sound.
My mm has wanted to leave for the last 10 years but has given it time to try to work it put and it hasn't worked for him he feels he has wasted his life as now he feels he can't leave because of his 2 children and it kills him he is torn between then and me. He doesn't want to hurt anyone and all I can ever see In his eyes is the pain he endures daily for being there he's hurting the one person that matters most- himself. I think he should leave not for me but him even of we don't end up together fully at least he will be happy and I know it will benefit his whole family in the long run as he will have more time for them and himself.
PlEase think about it all and more importantly yourself as that's what's important for all of this. What ever choice u make make it for u and no one else otherwise it will never work out
I wish you all the luck in the world xx
I'm so stupid I have also missed you on here like Ricky! How are things?
What is going on with you Ricky? Hope everything is ok!
Well I am feeling a lot better - think the tablets have prib helped a great deal. Feel like I'm able to concentrate on work a lot more and I've actually enjoyed it which I haven't for a long time. keep hearing mm on the radio in work tho and it kills me. Makes me want to go back into a depression but I'm determined to get in with my life. I'm going to get my hair and nails etc done and try and feel better about myself! I still love him and miss him like mad but I finally feel I deserve better and he's the one that's lost out at the end of the day by loosing me cos he's never going to be happy at home. Sad thing is I really want him to be happy more than anything else really.
I'm so sad at the thought of not seeing him again but I can't make him and if he doesn't want to see me what can I do? It's his birthday on thurs and I really Want to contact him but I don't feel he wants me too. Just have to believe if we're meant to be together we will be one day.
Just want to be on my own for a while and get myself right. Hopefully everything else will follow. Hope everyone else is ok.
Ricky - take no notice of nasty comments, it stopped me posting on here for ages but the people that bother to comment in this way are very bitter and twisted and will never be happy or why bother speaking about people in this way wen you don't even know them! Xxx
Hi Ricky, yep definately some wild stuff happening on here! I have been really good and getting on really well with the new guy. Today is my birthday and its a bit of a poignant day. It was the deadline for my MM leaving his wife and although he has left her we are not together. On the other hand i have had a wonderful day and new guy gave me a wonderful birthday pressie.... I got to fly a helicopter!
I hope things are going well for you and your lady Ricky, and that everyone else is coping with life.
Isn't it amazing that of all the hurt and unhappy people on here, you are the only male. Do you think its because men dont "vent" like women do, or maybe they just dont give a shit and fall in love like we do?
As far as it taking 2 to tangle....... I was single, i didn't have to keep it in my pants, he was the married one and the one who had committed to someone else. He was the one who had an obligation! Same as when my ex husband cheated on me, she was single, he wasn't. I dont blame her, i blame him!
We aren't evil or set out to ruin anyones marriage, we just fall in love with the wrong man and he chooses to act on it. Maybe if those wives looked after their men a bit better then they wouldn't stray!!?? I know if i had looked after my hubby better then he wouldn't have. It was my fault and his fault, she was just a symptom of a complacent marriage
Hi
I thought I had beaten this, I really did. We spoke after three weeks and he said I had won. That he tried to do the right thing blah blah blah... I found out they found something on his liver, his lawsuit never happened, his job is looking questionable on their end... His life is crushing him from all angles basically.
He is a functioning alcoholic, so the liver thing is not good. Testing is to begin this week. I always knew we would never have eachother as normal people do. So I decided to remain friends so to speak. I know if I see him again I'll have sex. No question. But the difference now, is that he and I as sad as it may be know the many truths. It eliminates any magic that once was there.
Speak Soon.
Hello everybody, I just read some of these comments and had to respond, first off I have been married 18 years, 19 on the 28th of this month, for the most part our marriage has been a good one, and I am very in love with my husband. Then last year the shop where he works needed help and I told him he should hire a woman who had worked there before, she is a single mom and could use the money and he would not be stressed from being short handed. This woman knows the work well and that would be helpful, now my husband has always had a low opinion of this woman, she had been a heroin junkie, cleaned her act up though.
Anyways, her daughter and ours became good friends and this bitch, and she is a bitch, started asking my daughter all sorts of stuff about our marriage, she used my 13 year old daughter to get info on us, then she used that info to get close to my husband and even manipulated her way into his life. I felt something was wrong, my husband was distant and cold, never treated me like that before, one night I took his cell phone and wouldn't you know it, there were texts between the whore and him, he woke his ass up to my yelling at him, I got on the phone and made sure the bitch knew that I knew, so she doesn't go around thinking she's got me fooled.
But if ever I have come across a low class piece of shit woman, this one takes the cake. She calls me a whore! please, I respect myself. She began to call me and text me asking me what her pussy taste like, not only was she sleeping with my husband, she had no shame or respect. If my husband didn't respect himself, she should have respected herself. It gets better, the bitch moved 7 miles from our home to be closer to him and to be able to keep on with the affair. She calls me pathetic, so I told her, look slut, first of all, who knows what the hell my husband told you about me or our marriage to get you to spread em like you do, so you're pathetic, you've got to know he lied to you. Second, let's suppose he decides he wants out and wants to be with you, I put in 18 yrs. and you have been married and divorced twice already so I doubt you can make this one work.
For whatever reason my husband did something very stupid, and it may not even be about me or our marriage, and third of all guess what slut, I kicked his ass out of our home, and where is he? is he with you? sleeping on your bed? no, you see he chose me, his family, and he dumped you. The fact that you won't back off and keep looking for him and keep begging him says a lot about your intentions.
So the damage is done to me, the betrayal and the inability to trust my husband is terrible, but in the end there was to much on the line to just let it go and have some slut sit on the throne after I put in the work, besides in all our marriage my husband was wonderful, so he got a second chance and you know what he is doing good. Many times good men make mistakes and sometimes it just takes us ( the wife ) to shock the shit out of them, see I bet he thought oh she loves me so she'll forgive me, no way she'll leave, after all we have a family and blah blah blah, but he never thought I'd pack his suitcase, drive to his job, get her fired, and take his house key. The look on his face was a kodak moment. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but necessary. These women try to find excuses that makes what they do ok, well no it's not ok, we have invested years into our marriages, we give up careers, we have children. If anyone should step off it's you the intruders who always think you are entitled to what is not yours. You know he's married, well then what don't you get? he's taken, and he will say what ever he wants, and color it any way he wants in the end it is what it is, if my husband and I are going through shit, that's our business and that is not a reason for you to mess with him, then you fall in love and want him to send us to hell for you, how convenient, but rarely do they ever, have you heard the saying " better the devil I know, than the devil I don't know " think about it, you think these men are going to risk everything for something that may or may not work out? please!! This woman who messed with my husband did it with full intention, ill will and for her own gain, I don't think my husband would have ever even looked at her in that way, because he never did in 4 years of working with her on and off before, had she not used the vulnerabilities she found out through our innocent daughter, and on top of that not only does she do what she did, she calls me to hurt me and make fun of the destruction of our family. Low class, I'm a higher caliber than that. She has her daughter, what example is she setting for her kid? I'm sorry but I have no compassion for women who engage with married men. Don't get me wrong, men are responsible, because they know they are married and have obligations, comittments and more but if a woman knows he's married she is not an innocent victim who got played, she knew the truth, she made a choice and so she can spare us the wives the waterworks becaused she didn't get to keep our men.
To the women who get involved with men and didn't know they were married, different story, I do feel compassion for them but at some point they find out and then you know you must end it and move on, as hard as it is, you are emotionally connected now and in pain but he's married.
Bottom line, you meet a man, oh no he's married, you do one of two things:
the first is say NO and go about your life without complications and damage to anyone including yourself
or
two, you can tell him, look go home talk to your spouse, file for divorce, bring me proof you're divorced and then I'm all yours to do with me what you want but not a moment sooner.
Don't settle to be anyones leftovers, there is no excuse and another thing, love is not shameful, and it should not be a secret, you women are secrets. In his life, his family, friends, holidays in all aspects you are hidden and you deserve to be acknowledged yet you allow to be a dirty secret.
Listen, if a man loves you, he isn't gonna give a damn if he hurts his wife, if they have kids, ect, ect, ect. he will end his marriage for you. The fact that they don't should tell you that maybe he has lied to you and maybe you should stop and think that men can be pigs and lie, just like mine did, and that most of the time we wives are not the nightmares they told you we were, and that their marriages are actually good marriages but that maybe these men have issues that have surfaced and they do stupid things, and instead of trying to figure out what the problem is they begin to think it's the wife or marriage and if they look elsewhere they'll be happy but as soon as that whole lie you call love begins to settle into real everyday life, he too will see that the problem is within him, and guess what, you got played. You can say you are doing what I failed to do in my marriage, and hey ok you can say that all you want if that's what makes you feel better, but you too have issues you need to get busy working on, starting with respecting yourself, value yourself, why can't you have relationships that can offer you a future and a life you deserve instead of resorting to going after married men, or perhaps you are just like this bitch that has made her life's mission to want my life, my husband, my kids, she wants to be me, and that's never gonna happen.
What makes you think its all gonna be sugar and spice and everything nice if you get to keep a married man anyway? marriage is hard work, its sacrifice, its a working progress and to you women, you think its a picnic because you ARE NOT married to them, do their laundry, have our stress and everything else.
So PLEASE wake up and see the truth as it is, because you may be getting all the fun and quality time, but as soon as reality hits you end up worse than how you began. You end up alone, sad, pathetic, no self esteem, and foolish in thinking that in your case it was different.
To those who don't understand why we wives would choose to stay in our marriages after our men stray, well it's not that easy when you have a family
Hello everybody, I just read some of these comments and had to respond, first off I have been married 18 years, 19 on the 28th of this month, for the most part our marriage has been a good one, and I am very in love with my husband. Then last year the shop where he works needed help and I told him he should hire a woman who had worked there before, she is a single mom and could use the money and he would not be stressed from being short handed. This woman knows the work well and that would be helpful, now my husband has always had a low opinion of this woman, she had been a heroin junkie, cleaned her act up though.
Anyways, her daughter and ours became good friends and this bitch, and she is a bitch, started asking my daughter all sorts of stuff about our marriage, she used my 13 year old daughter to get info on us, then she used that info to get close to my husband and even manipulated her way into his life. I felt something was wrong, my husband was distant and cold, never treated me like that before, one night I took his cell phone and wouldn't you know it, there were texts between the whore and him, he woke his ass up to my yelling at him, I got on the phone and made sure the bitch knew that I knew, so she doesn't go around thinking she's got me fooled.
But if ever I have come across a low class piece of shit woman, this one takes the cake. She calls me a whore! please, I respect myself. She began to call me and text me asking me what her pussy taste like, not only was she sleeping with my husband, she had no shame or respect. If my husband didn't respect himself, she should have respected herself. It gets better, the bitch moved 7 miles from our home to be closer to him and to be able to keep on with the affair. She calls me pathetic, so I told her, look slut, first of all, who knows what the hell my husband told you about me or our marriage to get you to spread em like you do, so you're pathetic, you've got to know he lied to you. Second, let's suppose he decides he wants out and wants to be with you, I put in 18 yrs. and you have been married and divorced twice already so I doubt you can make this one work.
For whatever reason my husband did something very stupid, and it may not even be about me or our marriage, and third of all guess what slut, I kicked his ass out of our home, and where is he? is he with you? sleeping on your bed? no, you see he chose me, his family, and he dumped you. The fact that you won't back off and keep looking for him and keep begging him says a lot about your intentions.
So the damage is done to me, the betrayal and the inability to trust my husband is terrible, but in the end there was to much on the line to just let it go and have some slut sit on the throne after I put in the work, besides in all our marriage my husband was wonderful, so he got a second chance and you know what he is doing good. Many times good men make mistakes and sometimes it just takes us ( the wife ) to shock the shit out of them, see I bet he thought oh she loves me so she'll forgive me, no way she'll leave, after all we have a family and blah blah blah, but he never thought I'd pack his suitcase, drive to his job, get her fired, and take his house key. The look on his face was a kodak moment. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but necessary. These women try to find excuses that makes what they do ok, well no it's not ok, we have invested years into our marriages, we give up careers, we have children. If anyone should step off it's you the intruders who always think you are entitled to what is not yours. You know he's married, well then what don't you get? he's taken, and he will say what ever he wants, and color it any way he wants in the end it is what it is, if my husband and I are going through shit, that's our business and that is not a reason for you to mess with him, then you fall in love and want him to send us to hell for you, how convenient, but rarely do they ever, have you heard the saying " better the devil I know, than the devil I don't know " think about it, you think these men are going to risk everything for something that may or may not work out? please!! This woman who messed with my husband did it with full intention, ill will and for her own gain, I don't think my husband would have ever even looked at her in that way, because he never did in 4 years of working with her on and off before, had she not used the vulnerabilities she found out through our innocent daughter, and on top of that not only does she do what she did, she calls me to hurt me and make fun of the destruction of our family. Low class, I'm a higher caliber than that. She has her daughter, what example is she setting for her kid? I'm sorry but I have no compassion for women who engage with married men. Don't get me wrong, men are responsible, because they know they are married and have obligations, comittments and more but if a woman knows he's married she is not an innocent victim who got played, she knew the truth, she made a choice and so she can spare us the wives the waterworks becaused she didn't get to keep our men.
To the women who get involved with men and didn't know they were married, different story, I do feel compassion for them but at some point they find out and then you know you must end it and move on, as hard as it is, you are emotionally connected now and in pain but he's married.
Bottom line, you meet a man, oh no he's married, you do one of two things:
the first is say NO and go about your life without complications and damage to anyone including yourself
or
two, you can tell him, look go home talk to your spouse, file for divorce, bring me proof you're divorced and then I'm all yours to do with me what you want but not a moment sooner.
Don't settle to be anyones leftovers, there is no excuse and another thing, love is not shameful, and it should not be a secret, you women are secrets. In his life, his family, friends, holidays in all aspects you are hidden and you deserve to be acknowledged yet you allow to be a dirty secret.
Listen, if a man loves you, he isn't gonna give a damn if he hurts his wife, if they have kids, ect, ect, ect. he will end his marriage for you. The fact that they don't should tell you that maybe he has lied to you and maybe you should stop and think that men can be pigs and lie, just like mine did, and that most of the time we wives are not the nightmares they told you we were, and that their marriages are actually good marriages but that maybe these men have issues that have surfaced and they do stupid things, and instead of trying to figure out what the problem is they begin to think it's the wife or marriage and if they look elsewhere they'll be happy but as soon as that whole lie you call love begins to settle into real everyday life, he too will see that the problem is within him, and guess what, you got played. You can say you are doing what I failed to do in my marriage, and hey ok you can say that all you want if that's what makes you feel better, but you too have issues you need to get busy working on, starting with respecting yourself, value yourself, why can't you have relationships that can offer you a future and a life you deserve instead of resorting to going after married men, or perhaps you are just like this bitch that has made her life's mission to want my life, my husband, my kids, she wants to be me, and that's never gonna happen.
What makes you think its all gonna be sugar and spice and everything nice if you get to keep a married man anyway? marriage is hard work, its sacrifice, its a working progress and to you women, you think its a picnic because you ARE NOT married to them, do their laundry, have our stress and everything else.
So PLEASE wake up and see the truth as it is, because you may be getting all the fun and quality time, but as soon as reality hits you end up worse than how you began. You end up alone, sad, pathetic, no self esteem, and foolish in thinking that in your case it was different.
To those who don't understand why we wives would choose to stay in our marriages after our men stray, well it's not that easy when you have a family
Dear Imsostupid:
It is so good to hear from you ! Happy Belated Birthday !!!! Flying helicopters, now that's really cool ! Way to go and what a gift. In relation to your point about men not venting and me being the only guy on here. Here is what I believe to be true. We are just people, Women want love men want sex. In my case,
my lady says I'm an alien because I want love, a relationship and sex as well as being a man who loves to do his thing in the world in terms of growth and contribution. She gets a kick out of how open I am. Our little joke is I am half man and half woman, Ha! In life we just want happiness and peace and to be loved as well as give love. Well, I guess in the mix of all this is feelings and feelings is what messes people up. What we need to do is come from the heart and be true to ourselves and others. But our ego gets in the way and listens to the feelings. We need to listen to our spirit, it will always guide us in the right direction if we just listen to it. We each as individuals are resposible for ourselves first, if we are not resposible and honest with ourselves we can't possibly be the same for others. We all must do what we need to do and just hope and pray what we do is right. As a man, I love to share with people. I have no fear in this. I have learned to live in faith and trust. I believe in God and I know he exists, I know I am a sinnner. But I strive each day to fight the evil and walk rather with God in his light. I did not intend to get so deep here, I just wanted to share who I am as a person who loves and cares. Most men won't open up that way, I do because I know the truth. I believe all of us on this forum are here for a reason, which is to help one another with our stuff in life. I am glad I am here with all of you, because I can learn from all of you something. Then in that wisdom take it to others and help them too. Life is not meant to be easy, if it were there would be no growth. Growth happens in our going through our adversity and trials.
The key is to learn from the experience's and gain the lesson's taught. Yes, some of those lessons hurt yet as time marches on we move forward. If we go with our spirit and ignore our ego we succeed. I never look for fault or blame, I look for love peace and understanding. I want to grow, that's why I enjoy all of you on here. It's a great place to share and help.
Look forward to speaking to you soon ! Love, Ricky
Skylar you make some very valid points and i agree with a lot of the things you said. Unfortunately when we get tangled up with these guys we are swept away by the passion that comes with "new love". We dont think logically and we believe what these assholes tell us. Maybe in some cases (like ricky) they are telling the truth, but a lot of the time they aren't, or they think they are but cant go through with it in the end. I believe my MM loves me, we were such good friends for 8 years, if he had just wanted sex i would have given him that (wrong i know) he didn't need to tell me he would leave etc. He has left (to the best of my knowledge) but it has turned him into a very confused and quite bitter man, not the loving caring person that i loved. Tho he has always had a hard and not so nice side. I hope that in time he will be happy again and to be honest i hope that he will be happy with me. In the meantime i have to push him out of my head and my thoughts and carry on with life, hopefully not hurting anyone else along the way.
Ricky....nice to hear that things are going well with you guys x
Hello to all my friends on this site:
(Who celebrate Thanksgiving in the U.S.)
I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of you, your families and loved ones a wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving Holiday ! To those not in the U.S.
Much peace and love to all of you, your families and loved ones. Sincerely, Ricky
hiya i received this email off this married man. After I told him I had someone new.My friends say this email is a game message to get me too email him again is it?
Hi ya Angel
That is good news I am pleased you have found someone who can love and look after you the way you deserve, I hope that your mum and Rose are well I am sorry I have not replied to you sooner. But I get asked questions weekly and have to swear on peoples lives that you have not been in touch and that I have not contacted you either.
So I am reluctant to correspond because my lying technique is shocking, we I hope will always be friends from afar I am afraid, today is my last day at work I am redundant and looking elsewhere so this email and my works number will be re assigned.
I will look out for you from a distance and will always have fond memories of the time we had, you take good care and I really hope that life treats you well and that your relationship will be sound long and loving.
Always xxxx
Hi ya Angel
That is good news I am pleased you have found someone who can love and look after you the way you deserve, I hope that your mum and Rose are well I am sorry I have not replied to you sooner. But I get asked questions weekly and have to swear on peoples lives that you have not been in touch and that I have not contacted you either.
So I am reluctant to correspond because my lying technique is shocking, we I hope will always be friends from afar I am afraid, today is my last day at work I am redundant and looking elsewhere so this email and my works number will be re assigned.
I will look out for you from a distance and will always have fond memories of the time we had, you take good care and I really hope that life treats you well and that your relationship will be sound long and loving.
Always xxxx
I am involved with a married man. I have been Googling all the reasons affairs start and we don't fit into any category.
First of all, we got to know each other on a dating site because he felt he was single as his wife was having an affair for years. At that point they had sold their house and he was about to move out to a flat with his son.
I was newly divorced and was incredibly shy, just looking for friends. It was a friendship site too. After a few exchanges he wrote that he regretted looking, that it was too soon for him, but that he felt I was sincere and not out to take him for a ride. He was right. We just exchanged messages and met for coffee 3 times in 3 years, opened our hearts to each other. He was in love with his wife and my ex had abused my daughter and we just supported each other as friends. I began to suspect he was in an emotionally abusive relationship, on one occasion to got into bed with him naked, hugged him, then left. He kept finding she had gone on holiday under a false name with her boyfriend. They have seperate bedrooms and living rooms and both have work during the week 200 miles away in different directions.
Then he got prostate cancer...
On his discharge she wasn't there. She took no interest in him emotionally or physically.
I have never slept with anyone outside my so-called marriage who abused my daughter, so I thought what is my body worth?
I thought my apecial friend needed a woman's body...stupid I know... but his damaged body and my damaged soul found something we didn't expect. I fell in love with him.
He is very confused because although he says he loves me, talks to me, trusts me, had told his older son about me. He seems stuck in this abusive relationship because she emotionally taunts him. Google psychopath, Stockholm Syndrome and you'll get the picture.
I don't want him out of my life, yet although I think our situation is unique, it still comes with all the pain and insecurity, yet I feel I am his lifeline to his not sinking further into the isolation. It isn't so easy to walk away from an abusive relationship if anyone knows about that. Under the circumstances I have no sympathy for his wife. She just spends his money, controls his money, does not support him emotionally or physically.
He is a really nice guy, has a good job where he genuinely cares about the people under him. He isn't one of those player guys. We are just two people who found solace in each other's company for 3 years until the cancer changed things. How could I walk away?
Angel, to me it sounds like he is saying goodbye. Dont reply to him, it will only open up a whole new can of worms and you dont need that.
RGN007 wow i dont even know where to start with yours! He needs to leave her for his own sake but he aint going to. Get out now while you can.
How is everyone else?
I have been married for what would have been only 5 years this November. My husband and I have always had a rough relationship and he would quickly say it's my fault he cheated I pushed him away I became boring and as lonelys married man said pitiful dependent clingy. I loved him very much and there were many times I was sure he was cheating and stupidly I denied it and made excuses. He lead me to believe I need to change. My job wasn't good enough because I didn't make enough money. I was lazy because I didn't work cook clean raise our son and have sex with him two hours after I had gone to bed and he hadn't. He tried to leave many times and I begged him to stay promising to change. My parents died the beginning of last year and he stayed despite the fact he had left the night before we found out. He promised to change. We had a great year. Vacation house hunting and ready to start over in a new place. He had gotten a dwi last December and I paid for his lawyer and all the fines for that and many other tickets he had gotten trying to help him get his license back. Sept 2010 we moved in with his dad in GA and he would leave me to do community service in NC. It eventually turned into the guys are deploying so I'm going to hang out with them before they leave. I understood and said ok. Checking the bank account, he was spending hundreds of dollars at bars hotels and going out to eat. When he finally came home the day before thanksgiving, he wanted out. At this point I'm 8 months pregnant with our second child. I was surprised had no idea what I had done. We spent Thanksgiving with his dad and He was very distant. I took a nap when we got home woke up and found him in my car on the phone with his whore. We had gone up to his moms and he left without saying a word back to NC. Iwas paying the car payment phone bill insurance everything because he hadn't had a job since July. I checked the phone bill and noticed the same number covered the whole thing except at those times he had left. December I told him I was gone because I knew he was cheating. He denied it. The end of January I have our son. His phone was turned off because I stopped paying for it and the only person he gave a number to was his mom. I went into labor that morning and he was 2 hrs away. His dad made it to nc from the bottom of ga before he did!! Feb he begged to come back so reluctantly I said ok. We got an apparently together and he complained about how I acted like I didn't love him anymore. I said it's not that ice just built up my walls preparing for the worst. I didn't trust him and I made it clear. He used me to catch up the car payment and turns his phone back OB before he left me with our new baby and 3 yr old for her. I was in the ER days later and that fucker had given me an STD. Did I deserve that? I loved a man and was willing to try because of that. She knew he was married. I knew exactly who she was because she was his friends wife and we had had dinner together. I eventually found out not only had he cheated with her but her husband and another girl as well. June July and august he begged me to take him back and I made it clear it wasn't going to happen. Ever since then he has been very hateful towards me places all blame on me. He planned to get the boys and half of my inheritance and soon found out that's not how it's going to go. They live together and I have to see her every time his picks up the kids. He still has no license can't hold a job somehow fucked up the car and apparently they are selling a car he talked her into buying because they cannot afford it. They drive his friends car. I wonder if she knows he begged to come back many times since living with her and if she really feels if given the opportunity, he'd cheat on her with me just as easily as he did with her? He'll never admit the truth to her because he cannot admit it to himself or me.
Hi All,
ATTENTION :Veronica
Please read to the last page. Thanks.
My own case is very different from all the cases I have read here.
I am a lady in my early thirties and I’ve been dating this single guy since my 1st year in the university, (I was 26 and he was 31 then) when he just graduated He is a good, kind hearted, nice and caring guy…… very caring to the core and he is the type that cannot hurt a fly He took care of me throughout my school days and he promised to get married to me. We met in church in 2006 and he came to meet my family in 2007, I have been engaged to him since then. I don’t have any other guy except only him. I met several other guys who wanted my hand in marriage, he begged me not to disappoint him. I promised not to and I kept to my words. I love him and he loves me too, we continued.
The only problem I have with him is that he has not introduced me to his parent and siblings, I only met his aunty who is like a mother to him. He promised to take me home but one thing continued to lead to another and he has not been able to do so. In 2009, I told him that we should have a break if he was not ready to take me to his family but he felt betrayed and was crying & begging me not to behave like that to him, because I love this guy I couldn’t stand seeing him crying, he was all over me begging & begging, since I didn’t have any other person, we continued.
In late 2009, I got to know that all his siblings got married to someone from their town while I’m from another town, so asked him if that is what was making him to feel reluctant to take me to his people, he said I should not worry, that nobody can stop him from getting married to the person he wants The guy is an average business man, yet he struggles to give me everything I wanted after I graduated from high school, I was no longer dependant on my parent, he took over while I was jobless, he was responsible for everything: my expensive accommodation, feeding transportation , he is my only friend and brother, he is my life, I cannot do without him, we plan our future together and we started planning for our wedding. Which he said we will do in 2010, He started saving up his money in my account in March 2010 to be able to rent an apartment for us after the wedding, he was able to gather the complete money in November 2010. Since my rent has expired and we are almost married, it doesn’t make sense for him to be paying a separate rent for me in my apartment and we moved into the new apartment and started living together. After a while, nothing happened (I mean no wedding yet). He said we will do our court wedding first, latter he told me and my parent during xmas last yr which we both spent in my parent’s house that there is a lady his parent wanted him to marry but he is not interested in her, he will never succumb to their pressure & that is why he has not been able to get married all this while that he has been trying to talk to them to agree for him to marry me, and since time is already against the two of us that he will do the court wedding 1st, that there is no problem that they will definitely agree after sometime & we continued.
In April 2011, I got to know on face book that my boyfriend got married in October 2010, I saw the picture (church & traditional) I saw the lady was pregnant & now she has a baby. I was devastated, I felt sad & betrayed, I saw horror, my hands were shaking, No it can’t be my guy , may be someone that looks like him. I cried every day , I couldn’t eat for days & couldn’t concentrate on my job. I can’t even open my mouth and tell this to my parent. Somebody they love and respect so much, he is a person of high integrity My boyfriend of 5 yrs became a married man right in front of my nose! Somebody that is not a womanizer, was it a mistake? what went wrong? and he did not break up with me, he didn’t change his behavior to me, he didn’t show me any warning sign, we were even saving up our money together to buy a car, we bought everything in the house together & everybody was looking forward to our wedding, my 3 younger sisters all got married and have children during my courtship with him, while I was waiting for the marriage. I don’t have an accommodation of my own, no money to get a new one & move out of his house & flea from him, my sister that would have accommodated me relocated from town, and it became more difficult for me to go, no friend to accommodate me and that is how I found myself in my present situation. He was even the only one available to console me, I didn’t have a choice but to continue living in the house.
My heart couldn’t bear it, I didn’t believe my eyes, so while on earth was he keeping me? What does he want from me? So does that mean he has been lying to not just only me but my family & friends? Can someone be that cruel to go to that very great extent to deceive & hurt somebody he loves? What does he want from me? I told him to leave me alone & asked him to return the money I saved for the car back to me for me to go & rent an apartment for myself, he refused , he will never let go of me, I tried but I couldn’t. He said if he does love me that he will not waste his resources and time over me, that something went wrong but he does not know what actually happened. That the picture I saw was just an introduction arranged by his parent. He cried and begged me & he kept on working towards the court wedding, he went to the registry registered our names etc. I kept on wondering if he knows what he is doing. but he kept on telling me he loves me that life without me is hell on earth for him and he can never disappoint me that if he does he will not forgive himself, so he kept on been committed to me .He said, it was not his intention that I should just take things easy, he was even the one comforting me. He said that he will never be with her that he doesn’t want her that I should please not spoilt what we’ve built together for years, he said we need wisdom to handle the whole thing that her water will soon find its level and we continued.
I really desired to get married and start having my own children, before November 2010, he said we cannot get pregnant b/4 marriage and he was very strict about it, he used to do withdrawal method. But since December 2010, he has agreed that we should start trying for a baby but he is always travelling. In August 2011, I found out I already have fibroids and one tubal blockage, I have painful menstruation & seeing my period every month is a nightmare because of the severe devilish pain that accompanies it. Doctor advised me to get married quickly that age is no longer on my side and because of my fertility conditions, I can’t afford to waste a minute of my fertile days again, I don’t have any man except only him, in facts as if they warned men not to come near me again, I mean men have stopped coming to approach., he spend most of his time with me, I wonder the kind of relationship that is between him and this lady. I can’t leave him for her because I have had him for long, I don’t know why his family will force somebody he does like on him, I’m even feeling for the lady because all his attention is on me, I even wonder when he has time to be
with her. Why would a woman subject herself to that kind of situation when you knew the guy does not love you, she doesn’t even have the confidence to post her wedding pictures on facebook, she is doubtful and afraid, because she was forced on him. & I know they will surely regret it. This kind of thing is very rampant here in Nigeria & so people advised me to keep on praying and never to give up, that he is mine and he will always be where he finds joy. That he got married to her is not final, any marriage not based on true love will sure fail. I will not let go of my love, my mind & his mind are both made up to do the court wedding, which is even the one that is legally binding.
He showed me true love & happiness. I have always had peace with him & suddenly something went wrong. Since I didn’t force myself on this guy, and he made me stagnant for yrs by promising me marriage even when I didn’t have issues with my fertility, and now
Continued'
He showed me true love & happiness. I have always had peace with him & suddenly something went wrong. Since I didn’t force myself on this guy, and he made me stagnant for yrs by promising me marriage even when I didn’t have issues with my fertility, and now I have nowhere to go. I will go ahead with him and do the court wedding on Saturday (only his aunty and some of his friends are aware) and watch what his plan is. We are Christians and polygamy is not allowed I want to know what he is up to for making me suffer like this for years. I never had an affair with a married man, I met a lot of them that wanted me but I was disciplined, I refused them I hate married men that cheat on their wives, I hate them with passion. I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. I just woke up one day and found myself in this mess.
My friends say it's a game play so I contact him again? His daughter started talking too me most days on fb asking me about me and my new man. And then mentions him abit? Sayin I know you two still chat. I wonder if he is behind this?
Dear Innocent Lady: Hi, my name is Ricky. I believe I am the only guy on this forum. I read your story, it sounds like this guy you were loyal to, used you. The sad part is you let him. It's simple, he played you and you gave up your power to his baloney. I know you are not going to like nor listen to what I am about to say, but you better for your own sake. You need to read what you wrote here. Then ask yourself this question, is this this what you want? Or are you just lost and naieve at the current moment? Either way, you need to run from this jerk now. I understand your situation very well. Find a person who loves you really for you first, then move from that point. As far as having kids, you can always adopt children. It may not be the same as having your own, but you better have love first before kids. I am sorry to be so direct with you, but you need to wake up and get away from this guy. I also understand the hurting, it's better to hurt and correct a wrong than stay with a guy who is stringing you along for the ride. You must get your power back and get over this jerk now. I wish you much luck ! By the way keep posting and maybe others will help you too. Sincerely, Ricky
Hi Ricky, good to see you are still around....we seem to have lost quite a few people from here and i wonder how they are all doing. If you still read this then please pop in and let us know how you are and how things are going with your MM. Heavenly, skyklar, delusion come on check in!
Well on a personal front things are going well with new man and i am still getting spoilt rotten :-)
I am getting quite strong feelings for him now but always in the back of my mind is MM, its almost like its stopping me from "stepping off the ledge" with new guy. I dont know if its fear of being hurt or because i stil love MM and cant love anyone else as well.
Time is a great healer tho and i guess eventually it will help me through
I found this site by error, but I am so glad that I did. I would like to give some lonely or confused person some strong advice. DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED PERSON. I met the perfect man TWENTY FIVE years ago, but he had just gotten married. he and his wife had three kids prior to getting married a year before we met. We met at work, and we started hanging out together. ONE year later I got pregnant with a set of twin boys. I met his wife that year and they worked their marriage out and we broke it off for a year. We later started seeing each other again, and he has always paid my bills and took great care of the twins. The twins are grown now and away in college. We just broke off our twenty five year relationship because he has decided to work it out with his wife. I am alone, and pretty much not ready or even have the gumption to date again. I do not even know how to date again, he was the only man I have dated since I was in my thirties. Things and people have changed so much now. I PRETTY MUCH WASTED MY YEARS WITH HIM, and the only good thing out of the relationship is my twins. DO NOT GET DRAGGED INTO A RELATIONSHIP with somone who is married. Keep looking!! Love is actually free of drama when you meet a person unmarried and able to have a real healthy relationship with. After the first five years, I had exhausted the notion of dating anyone else. We were more best friends and partners at work. The sex was awesome, and we did an excellent job raising our twin boys. the only problem was he was married, and we both thought it to wise not to break up his family. Our kids have a great relationship with each other. It seems that the two people hurt the most out of this crazy affair was his wife and my dizzy behind. So please DONT DO IT- The other issue and most important issue is what your kids learn from cheating parents. Although, my sons knew me to only date their father, they also knew that their father was a married man. I fear that my boys may have issues with their marriages because of the example set by me and their father. I can only pray that God will have mercy on them and forgive me for this lifelong and careerlike affair. Good luck.
Its clear to me from all the comments above, that everyone ends up getting hurt when there is an affair. I was a happily Married woman until my husband got involved in an affair, suddenly he started complaining that our Marriage is and has always been terrible, he placed all manner of accusation on me. It took a while for me to start thinking clearly because of the pain and i have now come to the realisation that the MM will always demonise the wife or the Marriage in order to justify his hurtfull ways. For the affair to continue he has to keep reminding himself that his Marriage or wife is terrible and that he deserves better. The OW always believes the lies from the MM and often gets trapped in the emotional rollercoster. The MM is caught between a hard place and a rock..he doesn't know which way to go and only time will tell, usually they come to realise when its already too late and they have destroyed their Marriages, Hurt the children beyond words and destroyed the OW too. Its a deadly and visious cycle that leads to pain at the end.
To the OW i would like to inform you that it doesn't help to build your home by breaking another. If a man is Married consider him committed(it doesn't matter the state of their relationship) until he divorces his wife and is free to start a new relationship keep off.
To the MM...if you have tried all you can to work on your Marriage but nothing is forthcoming do the noble thing..leave your Marriage and then look for someone else.
The OW/OM is always being told one side of the story and believes it like its the bible truth. If a MM or MW is not committed enough to work through the problems in their marriage how will they infuture respond to problems that arise in their new relationship? We know that no marriage relationship is void of challenges and it takes a mature man or woman to work through the issues arising.
I have had my very painful experience they say its almost like the death of a child. I and my husband have gone through thick and thin, we build a future togther with our children. So much time, money and effort into building a good Marriage and a stable environment for our children..then an affair takes all that away.
I would just say to the OW to think twice before coming between a Marriage it is a choice (and a bad one) that was made by both the MM and OW no one just found themselves in bed with a MM/OW/OM it is usually a planned and calculated move.
dear Veronica,
need your kind advise. i am 26 and having an affair with my married boss for more than a year now. to start with do not know how it all started. i always respected the fact that he was such a nice human being and was so hardworking also a loving husband. but only until late was i shocked to discover that he was actually is banging all other single, divorced woman in the office. and all the respect and love i had towards him went to drain.
it all started with my work demanding me to work late in the nights. i was so lonely and had so much to finish and report to. he initially got me into confidence that he was a very good human being and wanted to help me out reach a managerial position. he would call me on weekends to finish up with all pending work and since he was showing me so much interest in my personal life, i started to open up and share some secrets of my boyfriend we had broken up with. he showed so much empathy that he first tried to be friends with me on facebook and yahoo, gmail and would annoy me with his friendly hello's and telling me about himself. later things started to move very fast and one fine fine day dont know what happened, he jumped on me kissing me when he himself got me to tears when telling about my ex bf. i tried to stop him but he would not and it went on. only to discover that over time we actually landed up in bed.
the best part is since we work in the same cubicle type office and get to see all his stupid behaviour, he was actually screwing another lady from the other department who happens to live alone in this country in a hotel. and my boss for a fact i know, always pleaded me to come to hotels with him. and i actually went at the ones he arranged. but now that this lady comes along as a new recruit and lives in a hotel, he targets her as her next option. and lands up having affair with her too. i got to know this as it was too obvious since we work in the same office and when i asked him why he was doing this, he actually denied saying i was the only one other than his wife he actually fell in love with and has no relationship with this lady. i still went on to trust him and later to discover that this new recruit was fired from her job. now that he does not want to be lonely and i was out of his league after knowing this side of him, he immediately started to look for more prey around. Now comes another lady who he has started his affair with. but since three days back our office boy also found out the truth that he seen my boss pass the area n look for parking, as the office boy actually goes to clean her apartment and my boss has this habit of giving surprises. he did the exact same thing to me earlier.
now that i know all of this i cant forgive myself, i actually was having an affair and landed up falling in love with him. only to discover he was screwing all other woman in the office and i always trusted him. everyday i see his face Veronica, i get so angry and also when he goes out with the woman and never returns back and throws all work at me now that i am 4 years old in that company, i feel so much misused. i dont know what to do Veronica and want to leave this work place as i just hate to see my bosses face and actually cant focus. i know my boss wont change and i feel hurt that i actually cant accept that he is originally like this a womaniser. our oldest employees in the company have told me about my bosses nature but only until now.
dear, pls help me as i have now gotton wild and started to share this with another employee of our company who happens to hate my boss too. and now fear that i will lose my mind if i stay up any longer. pls advise what must i do? :(
dear Veronica,
need your kind advise. i am 26 and having an affair with my married boss for more than a year now. to start with do not know how it all started. i always respected the fact that he was such a nice human being and was so hardworking also a loving husband. but only until late was i shocked to discover that he was actually is banging all other single, divorced woman in the office. and all the respect and love i had towards him went to drain.
it all started with my work demanding me to work late in the nights. i was so lonely and had so much to finish and report to. he initially got me into confidence that he was a very good human being and wanted to help me out reach a managerial position. he would call me on weekends to finish up with all pending work and since he was showing me so much interest in my personal life, i started to open up and share some secrets of my boyfriend we had broken up with. he showed so much empathy that he first tried to be friends with me on facebook and yahoo, gmail and would annoy me with his friendly hello's and telling me about himself. later things started to move very fast and one fine fine day dont know what happened, he jumped on me kissing me when he himself got me to tears when telling about my ex bf. i tried to stop him but he would not and it went on. only to discover that over time we actually landed up in bed.
the best part is since we work in the same cubicle type office and get to see all his stupid behaviour, he was actually screwing another lady from the other department who happens to live alone in this country in a hotel. and my boss for a fact i know, always pleaded me to come to hotels with him. and i actually went at the ones he arranged. but now that this lady comes along as a new recruit and lives in a hotel, he targets her as her next option. and lands up having affair with her too. i got to know this as it was too obvious since we work in the same office and when i asked him why he was doing this, he actually denied saying i was the only one other than his wife he actually fell in love with and has no relationship with this lady. i still went on to trust him and later to discover that this new recruit was fired from her job. now that he does not want to be lonely and i was out of his league after knowing this side of him, he immediately started to look for more prey around. Now comes another lady who he has started his affair with. but since three days back our office boy also found out the truth that he seen my boss pass the area n look for parking, as the office boy actually goes to clean her apartment and my boss has this habit of giving surprises. he did the exact same thing to me earlier.
now that i know all of this i cant forgive myself, i actually was having an affair and landed up falling in love with him. only to discover he was screwing all other woman in the office and i always trusted him. everyday i see his face Veronica, i get so angry and also when he goes out with the woman and never returns back and throws all work at me now that i am 4 years old in that company, i feel so much misused. i dont know what to do Veronica and want to leave this work place as i just hate to see my bosses face and actually cant focus. i know my boss wont change and i feel hurt that i actually cant accept that he is originally like this a womaniser. our oldest employees in the company have told me about my bosses nature but only until now.
dear, pls help me as i have now gotton wild and started to share this with another employee of our company who happens to hate my boss too. and now fear that i will lose my mind if i stay up any longer. pls advise what must i do? :(
Hello now I know I am going to gain a lot of nasty remarks, insults and abuse for this, but this is my story.
My name is Lee, I am 27 years old and I have been married for 2 months, where we got ,married in Greece in Corfu.
My wife is 13 weeks pregnant and we already have a 2 year old son together.
The whole marriage was a sham to be honest, both of us unhappoy, me being blackmailed by my wife, as everytime I tried leaving she said what about the kids, I can't cope on my own etc. You see my wife is off work for depression, she has been off for 3 years, I work 3 different jobs and when I am off have my son whilst she spends half her time in bed, always has, always will.
When I come home from work I come home to a shit pit, dirty dishes everywhere, dirty clothes everywhere and when I am not working I am expected to stay up and have the kids dispite waking up 5 days per week at 3:30am ready to start a 5am shift.
We have rowed back and fourth about this but nothing changed. It got so bad that one morning I went in to kiss my wife goodbye after work and she bite my head off for waking her, my mum can't even ring on my day off either though she rings her mum every 5 minutes, seems one rule for her and another for me on day to day.
I am a devoted father but then I wrecked everything, I started talking to a girl on line who funny enough like one of my jobs she worked self-employed for the same company, at the time we met during the summer of 2001 (this year) she was going through major problems with her husband of 10 years and within a few weeks we started an affair.
The affair was great at first I felt appreciated every day not just on random days like my wife, my mistress got up off her arse every day as she has 2 children of her own.
However like you say guilt kicks in and mistakes happen.
My mistress now thinks she is pregnant and my wife is currently 11-13 weeks pregnant, I know what I must do but there are so many things to consider for example
Do I tell my wife before or after Christmas and New Year ? as don't wan't to disrupt their Christmas, yet pretending to play happy families when I know how bad I messed up ?
2nd do I try and fix it with my wife after the honesty or do I do the opposite and just raise and care for the kids ?
3rd do I give it a go with the mistress and live and raise baby with her and her kids, whilst making sure I raise and support the child I already have and the other on the way ?
I know what I have done is sooooo wrong and my wife knew this affair started before we even got married, but I carried on after and I cannot tell you how sorry I am and how angry I am with myself and I know the wrongs I have done, not just to my new wife but my children too.
What is worse is she has her heart set to move with her mum to Canada with the kids with or without me where as this child if my mistress is pregnant is in the Uk.
Hello now I know I am going to gain a lot of nasty remarks, insults and abuse for this, but this is my story.
My name is Lee, I am 27 years old and I have been married for 2 months, where we got ,married in Greece in Corfu.
My wife is 13 weeks pregnant and we already have a 2 year old son together.
The whole marriage was a sham to be honest, both of us unhappy, me being blackmailed by my wife, as everytime I tried leaving she said what about the kids, I can't cope on my own etc. You see my wife is off work for depression, she has been off for 3 years, I work 3 different jobs and when I am off have my son whilst she spends half her time in bed, always has, always will.
When I come home from work I come home to a shit pit, dirty dishes everywhere, dirty clothes everywhere and when I am not working I am expected to stay up and have the kids dispite waking up 5 days per week at 3:30am ready to start a 5am shift.
We have rowed back and fourth about this but nothing changed.
Now I am not looking for excuses for my actions but it just happened, my mistakes just happened.
It got so bad that one morning I went in to kiss my wife goodbye after work and she bite my head off for waking her, my mum can't even ring on my day off either though she rings her mum every 5 minutes, seems one rule for her and another for me on day to day.
I am a devoted father but then I wrecked everything, I started talking to a girl on line who funny enough like one of my jobs she worked self-employed for the same company, at the time we met during the summer of 2001 (this year) she was going through major problems with her husband of 10 years and within a few weeks we started an affair.
The affair was great at first I felt appreciated every day not just on random days like my wife, my mistress got up off her arse every day as she has 2 children of her own.
However like you say guilt kicks in and mistakes happen.
My mistress now thinks she is pregnant and my wife is currently 11-13 weeks pregnant, I know what I must do but there are so many things to consider for example
Do I tell my wife before or after Christmas and New Year ? as don't wan't to disrupt their Christmas, yet pretending to play happy families when I know how bad I messed up ?
2nd do I try and fix it with my wife after the honesty or do I do the opposite and just raise and care for the kids ?
3rd do I give it a go with the mistress and live and raise baby with her and her kids, whilst making sure I raise and support the child I already have and the other on the way ?
I know what I have done is sooooo wrong and my wife knew this affair started before we even got married, but I carried on after and I cannot tell you how sorry I am and how angry I am with myself and I know the wrongs I have done, not just to my new wife but my children too.
What is worse is she has her heart set to move with her mum to Canada with the kids with or without me where as this child if my mistress is pregnant is in the Uk.
Wow lee you sure have got yourself in a whole power of shit haven't you? There are several things happening here that you need to consider. 1st of all, things cant be that bad with your wife since you still married her and are obviously having sex (seeing as she's pregnant). 2nd why is your mistress pregnant, have you people not heard of birth control? and even so, she doesn't actually have to have the baby (i'm going to burn in hell for saying that i'm sure).
For goodness sakes man.......Make up your mind as to what you want and stick to it. Which one do you want to spend the rest of your life with? Your wife will never change, are you prepared to live like that FOREVER!
Your children will forgive you, there are many children out there that still maintain a good relationship with both parents after divorce and if she's as depressed as you say she is, you might even be able to get custody of them (that should please the mistress no end).
Think long and hard about what will make you happy and do it, at the moment all you are doing is making yourself and other people miserable.
Hi all I'm really not sure what to write but really need some advice I'm a married man of over 10 years and I am no longer in love with my wife I have been in a relationship with someone else for just over a year and I have never met anyone who I can connect with on every level as I do her she is amazing in every way and deserves so much more than I feel I am able to give her. But this is due to fear of losing my 2 amazing kids. I get on with my wife but we are more like friends there has been very little sexual contact in the last 3 yrs and there is no affection there for me and I'm sure it's the same for her. I have been unsure or unhappy for most of my marriage but stayed as there has always been reasons the biggest is my kids and I knew I should never of had my first when we did as I wasnt ready but due to circumstances I did it for her. What ever I do never seems good enough and I'm always being taken for granted by her and feel under pressure constantly not just the stress of my marrage I also have work and health too.
The lady I'm in love with is everything I've ever only imagined we were friends for a long time before a relationship started and as time went on we grew closer and closer. I have only ever told her I love her twice as if I open my heart it's too painfully if I think about how I feel towards her and the situation of losing the children I feel incredably torn between the two. She is incredably understanding and never pushes me I know she wants more and has never pushed me for it and I believe she never will as she is not selfish in that way. Or anyway in fact always puts others first. Not many will understand our situation as we are very similar and will do anything for anyone and always put others first until we put ourselves first and started a relationship. I wish more than anything to give everything she wants and more altho she never asks.
What I really am getting too is what do I do I could never cope with losing the children there everything to me but I couldn't imagine her not being in my life or even hearing from her daily. On several occasions she has suggested we part as she felt it was better for me but I always said no and we did try once but it lasted less than a week. What can or should I do without losing both important parts of me? I'm so torn I can't carry on this way someone help please
Torn go see a lawyer, you have legal rights as a father. Get a formal custody agreement drawn up and then go be with the person that makes you happy.
Hi,
Most interesting read I must say, but I have to say that I take great offence at you adulterous women calling the wives names and basically blaming them for the situation you find yourselves in. Grow up, what did you really think was going to happen, in most cases the only time these fucked up men leave their wives is when they get thrown out on their asses. My husband told his mistresses that it was okay for them to fuck cause I no longer cared about him and that I was having an affair, along with all the other hundreds of lies. What do you think they are going to tell you? Oh my wife is wonderful, she gives me everything I need.... what would you do if he was to say that? Would you fuck him then, not flaming likely. Yeah she gives him everything except a free reign to fuck sluts like you lot. LEAVE MARRIED ME ALONE, HOMEWRECKING BITCHES, stop and think about the innocent ones, and they are the wives and the children. NOT YOU AND THE FUCKING CHEATS. Not only do you and him lie through your teeth to each other and life partners but you are lying to yourselves as well. I am sick of all this bullshit, go find men who are single. Or are you all that desperate that you think a married man is an easy target and you convince yourselves that it is okay to do what you do, because hey he wife says she is a bitch so she must be. Get a fuckin life.
@Torn
I hate to say this but as a woman with two children in the middle of an ugly divorce caused by my husbands lack of communicating his feelings, I would have rather my husband left me instead of having his affair. To me it hurts more to be betrayed by the one you love then have them leave being honest about how they feel. Either way sucks but knowing the truth is better then living a lie. We have joint custody of our children, I have primary and he has secondary. I love my children and I would hate for them to grow up watching my husband and myself in a loveless marriage. Its in the best interest of the children to have both parents involved. Thats just my opinion. Sorry I cannot be of more help.
Torn43
I guess you haven't read most of the stories in this blog otherwise you wouldn't have asked what you should do 'without loosing both important parts of me'. There is no win win situation in an affair just realise you are not only being unfaithfull to your wife but to your children. You say that you love your children but your actions speak differently. Love is not a feeling it is action. When you love someone you act in loving ways..love is patient, kind, longsuffering, doesn't keep a record of wrong, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...Love NEVER fails. Do you really love your wife and your children...would you lay down your life for them.
If you treasure your Marriage you will sacrifice your personal gratifications for their sake. I had a very loving dad he would do anything to make us comfortable and secure..i love my Dad so much because he not only said he loved us he showed us love through his actions. I respect my Dad if anyone touches him they have touched me aswell.
Torn43 what have you done over the years to salvage your Marriage, You can never give 100% to your wife and children if you are in an affair. I believe you have self control and thats where you draw the line and avoid crossing bounderies. What has your wife done to make you disrespect her to this extend? She deserves respect, she takes care of your children, Cleans after you, cooks for you, probably cries to God concerning you day and night, has your best interest at heart.
I would advice you to stop contacts with the other woman, use the time you are spending with the OW to salvage your Marriage and be patient. If you have tried everything and its not working get a closure and leave your Marriage THEN you can start another relationship NOT an affair.
You are the head of that home it is your God given responsibility ..lead your family and protect them.
Dear Imsostupid: Ricky here, how are you? Sorry I have been a little busy lately. I figured you could hold down the fort a bit. Ha! Ha! Ha! I see we have some new people on here too, I will reply to them. Also, very interesting some more guys here too. I am glad to hear you are getting spoiled (growing, not rotten) ! I believe when it comes to love it takes patience, time, and much understanding. Most people play to their feelings that's the mistake. There is so much to share on this, I will do it as we go. I am glad that you are here and doing well. I will post to our newbies. Much love-Ricky
Hi Torn43: My name is Rick, I feel your pain. Here is the deal. You must make a decision. You either stick with your wife and work it out, if it even has a chance of working out. You won't know till you at least do that much. Then, if you really are not in love with your wife and are in love with your new woman in your life, you must go for it. Stop making the kids the excuse. You must man up and make a decision! I know this can sound a bit harsh, but I am here to tell the truth. I am not going to sugar coat this for you. Only you and you alone know what you want. Now it's time to decide. The longer you wait the more pain you get. The quicker you decide, the faster you get what you want. Also, you must be fair to your wife and not string her along. Good Luck, I know it's a tough thing. Sincerely, Ricky
Dear Imsostupid: Hi Rick here, listen I posted a message to you but for some reason I don't see it. So I am writing this again to make sure you get it. First, I wanted to say that I am glad you were holding down the fort, Ha! Ha! Ha! I was busy over the past week and this is the first chance I had to get back on here. Yes I noticed some have left for a bit, but I see some new people too. That's great, by the way guys wow ! That's cool too. I am sure our regulars will be back, maybe they just got caught up in life. It happens. Also, I am glad to hear all is well with you too. That is really great. I will respond to our newbies here and help out the best I can. Much love- Ricky
Thanks everyone for your comments.
First of all my wife and I have tried various things over the years to try and save the marriage we have had councilling, I even had sex with her to see if that would help but I felt nothing and uncomfortable it took along time to get there and since then there has been no activities in that area, altho she wants to. We have both day down spoke about things and what each o us need to change the problem is I seem to do all the changing and she changes nothing and when I look back she has always never changed or tried it's only me, she is not all to blame its a 2 way thing I know this but I'll talk more about that I a minute. We also took a weeks break earlier this year and my ow gave me the space I needed but I thought I her every day and it hurt almost as much not seeing her as it did my kids, that's y I went back as I couldn't bare seeing the kids so upset it broke my heart and spending ur birthday without them and the one you love (ow) was the hardest thing. When I went back my wife am I spoke about things we needed to change with been my main one and u wanted to get fitter and other things but for my wife she didn't seem to think there was anything that she needed to change other than we have to have a date night once a week which I agreed to.
A little about my wife she has always suffered depression and I have and will continue to support her through this as much as I can. She is a stay at home mum altho both kids are at school she moans constantly about house work and cooks 3 nts a week. She has control over all the money and I never stop her buying anything she wants but she won't save and then wants a family holiday. She had a heart of gold and will help anyone out if they need it and ask her. She tries many different businesses which I fund but she doesnt seem to follow through and gives up after 6 months but I know this is due to her depression. I've tried hard to fall in love with her again but I can't I love her and always will but I'm not in love and I feel there is a massive difference.
Now my ow she is the complete opposite she always has a zest for life and takes what ever is thrown at her and makes the best of every situation. Always smiling and there for everyone not matter what. We connect on every single level and that's something neither of us have had before. I should make clear that we are all friends have been for a long time and my ow is very close to us all which makes everything harder. She finds it very difficult and I have no idea how she copes and gives us both unbiased advice on the marriage but the good thing is it does mean she knows I'm not lying about anything that is said or done. She deserves so much more and I want to give it to her but everytime I think of being with her the fear of not seeing my children every day creeps in and that is all that's keeping me there. The last thing I want is to hurt my wife and if she found out this would devastate her and neither of us want that to happen but we can't help who we fall for. Also my ow never pushed me to do anything and understands the way I feel or how I become to feel certain things and never judges me I want to open my feelings to her more but I feel I will break if I do and because of that I never tell her how I'm feeling but I know she hopes and longs to hear it she says she knows and feels it but I want to shout to the world how I feel I can't tho.
I know in my heart what I want and need but how do I get there I know I should leave and be with her but how can I do that and have my kids daily too. It's tearing me up inside I'm so happy but broken with her
Hi Ricky, i hope you have been busy because you have been spending time with your new lady and are happy :-)
Things are still going really well with my new guy and he is still spoiling me.....i could get quite used to this ha ha. I emailed MM the other day under the pretense of getting some dog information from him, but really i was craving contact. We were both really polite and kept it on topic but it rips me up just even having that little contact with him and not knowing if he is seeing someone else or what. I know its none of my business and i can hardly talk since i am with someone, but its so damn hard to let him go. At least i've stopped crying everyday on my way to work now, tho typing this has made me start to cry. Damn him!
Torn .... what ricky has said is what you need to do, stop being in limbo and make a decision, for everyones sake and then stick to it. There are so many people being hurt, as there is in every affair. Hindsight is a wonderful thing i guess, cos if i knew then, what i know now, i would never ever have crossed that line
I dont know wat is wrong with me but I know I am a horrible person. I first started my affair when I was 21 with this man. I was young, single and naive. @ one stage I tawt I was in love. He never treated me properly, we had sex and when it was ova I used to be pushed away. Eventually a wonderful person came into my life, almost God sent. A man too good 4 me, thereafter I lost intrest in the guy i was having an affair with but tried to stop it but altough I had the power I didnt. Now he says he loves me but both of us will never leave our partners we neva discuss this. This person and I are still friends but we no longer sleep together.
I get xtremly jealous tho when he befriends other woman, he behaves inappropriately with them but he says he doesnt feel like it is. I cant let go of him and I dont know how to completly end things, we work together Sometyms I feel like I should just kill myself. I dont deserve the good person I have in my life.
need your kind advise. i am 26 and having an affair with my married boss for more than a year now. to start with do not know how it all started. i always respected the fact that he was such a nice human being and was so hardworking also a loving husband. but only until late was i shocked to discover that he was actually is banging all other single, divorced woman in the office. and all the respect and love i had towards him went to drain.
it all started with my work demanding me to work late in the nights. i was so lonely and had so much to finish and report to. he initially got me into confidence that he was a very good human being and wanted to help me out reach a managerial position. he would call me on weekends to finish up with all pending work and since he was showing me so much interest in my personal life, i started to open up and share some secrets of my boyfriend we had broken up with. he showed so much empathy that he first tried to be friends with me on facebook and yahoo, gmail and would annoy me with his friendly hello's and telling me about himself. later things started to move very fast and one fine fine day dont know what happened, he jumped on me kissing me when he himself got me to tears when telling about my ex bf. i tried to stop him but he would not and it went on. only to discover that over time we actually landed up in bed.
the best part is since we work in the same cubicle type office and get to see all his stupid behaviour, he was actually screwing another lady from the other department who happens to live alone in this country in a hotel. and my boss for a fact i know, always pleaded me to come to hotels with him. and i actually went at the ones he arranged. but now that this lady comes along as a new recruit and lives in a hotel, he targets her as her next option. and lands up having affair with her too. i got to know this as it was too obvious since we work in the same office and when i asked him why he was doing this, he actually denied saying i was the only one other than his wife he actually fell in love with and has no relationship with this lady. i still went on to trust him and later to discover that this new recruit was fired from her job. now that he does not want to be lonely and i was out of his league after knowing this side of him, he immediately started to look for more prey around. Now comes another lady who he has started his affair with. but since three days back our office boy also found out the truth that he seen my boss pass the area n look for parking, as the office boy actually goes to clean her apartment and my boss has this habit of giving surprises. he did the exact same thing to me earlier.
now that i know all of this i cant forgive myself, i actually was having an affair and landed up falling in love with him. only to discover he was screwing all other woman in the office and i always trusted him. everyday i see his face Veronica, i get so angry and also when he goes out with the woman and never returns back and throws all work at me now that i am 4 years old in that company, i feel so much misused. i dont know what to do Veronica and want to leave this work place as i just hate to see my bosses face and actually cant focus. i know my boss wont change and i feel hurt that i actually cant accept that he is originally like this a womaniser. our oldest employees in the company have told me about my bosses nature but only until now.
dear, pls help me as i have now gotton wild and started to share this with another employee of our company who happens to hate my boss too. and now fear that i will lose my mind if i stay up any longer. pls advise what must i do? :(
need your kind advise. i am 26 and having an affair with my married boss for more than a year now. to start with do not know how it all started. i always respected the fact that he was such a nice human being and was so hardworking also a loving husband. but only until late was i shocked to discover that he was actually is banging all other single, divorced woman in the office. and all the respect and love i had towards him went to drain.
it all started with my work demanding me to work late in the nights. i was so lonely and had so much to finish and report to. he initially got me into confidence that he was a very good human being and wanted to help me out reach a managerial position. he would call me on weekends to finish up with all pending work and since he was showing me so much interest in my personal life, i started to open up and share some secrets of my boyfriend we had broken up with. he showed so much empathy that he first tried to be friends with me on facebook and yahoo, gmail and would annoy me with his friendly hello's and telling me about himself. later things started to move very fast and one fine fine day dont know what happened, he jumped on me kissing me when he himself got me to tears when telling about my ex bf. i tried to stop him but he would not and it went on. only to discover that over time we actually landed up in bed.
the best part is since we work in the same cubicle type office and get to see all his stupid behaviour, he was actually screwing another lady from the other department who happens to live alone in this country in a hotel. and my boss for a fact i know, always pleaded me to come to hotels with him. and i actually went at the ones he arranged. but now that this lady comes along as a new recruit and lives in a hotel, he targets her as her next option. and lands up having affair with her too. i got to know this as it was too obvious since we work in the same office and when i asked him why he was doing this, he actually denied saying i was the only one other than his wife he actually fell in love with and has no relationship with this lady. i still went on to trust him and later to discover that this new recruit was fired from her job. now that he does not want to be lonely and i was out of his league after knowing this side of him, he immediately started to look for more prey around. Now comes another lady who he has started his affair with. but since three days back our office boy also found out the truth that he seen my boss pass the area n look for parking, as the office boy actually goes to clean her apartment and my boss has this habit of giving surprises. he did the exact same thing to me earlier.
now that i know all of this i cant forgive myself, i actually was having an affair and landed up falling in love with him. only to discover he was screwing all other woman in the office and i always trusted him. everyday i see his face Veronica, i get so angry and also when he goes out with the woman and never returns back and throws all work at me now that i am 4 years old in that company, i feel so much misused. i dont know what to do Veronica and want to leave this work place as i just hate to see my bosses face and actually cant focus. i know my boss wont change and i feel hurt that i actually cant accept that he is originally like this a womaniser. our oldest employees in the company have told me about my bosses nature but only until now.
dear, pls help me as i have now gotton wild and started to share this with another employee of our company who happens to hate my boss too. and now fear that i will lose my mind if i stay up any longer. pls advise what must i do? :(
Dear Imsostupid: Yes we are spending time together, but both of us have been busy with business stuff too. We made some time over the weekend to take photos of various places she wanted to visit. She loves photography so I bought her a professional camera and she loved it. We made plans for Christmas and New Years to be together, normally I would be with family and friends and she would be alone. I promised since things have changed from then, that I would be there for her. So I booked a Yacht for New Years so we could celebrate together in a more romantic setting. I would like to propose to her there too, what do you think? Divorce would be final within 90 days or so. What do you think? Also, I feel your pain and understand. We know the deal, got to let go and just move on, yet be friends. Love is tough stuff no doubt ! Hang in there we need you here ! Love-Ricky
Hi!
I found out a few days ago that i was a mistress. I never thought this would happen. But i now need some advise. It all started with me goin to an american dating site just for fun, cus i live in scandinavia. This guy wrote to me and we just started speaking randomly. All of a sudden he was calling me everyday for hours. And we really started becoming serius. This has went on for 4 months now. And he started saving up for a plane ticket so i could come visit hiim.
First bad thing he did was lying about his name. I forgave him cus he has a child and i understand that he has to be cautious cus of that. After he told me that he had been lying about his name i told him i was so happy that it was only his name he was lying about cus i thought he was about to tell me he actually had a wife. Finished by saying that if i found out he could do something like that i would just cut all contact with him.
Well i just found out he actually could do something like that. His wife wrote to me. And everything is just crazy right now. I dont know what to do. They now got a divorce. She is taking his son with her back to her homecountry. He wont be able to see his son much now. He told me that the reason he did not divorce her is cus she allways threatened taking his son. He also said that she was abusive to him. She kicked him and called him ugly things. He said they got married young. He want to go counselling now. I really liked the guy. Never had a connection like that with anyone. And he feels the same way. He hates everything and he says he still wants me and stuff like that.
I have never met the guy. So he never cheated with his wife like that. But still.. He said he was in love with me. What to do? I am thinking so much. Especially about his son. But as he said. Maybe its better his not with his wife cus the son wont see her hitting him? I dont know what to do. He is so depressed. Gone with this alone. Only his brother knew. I feel bad for him. The wife and the son. HELP!
shakira001,
It's highly probable that you are dealing with, at the very least, a narcissist or perhaps even a sociopath for a boss, neither of which are capable of ever, ever, ever having any "feelings" for anyone period. Both of these personality disorders are profoundly selfish. You are not a person to them, simply an object to be used. The sooner you realize this and accept it, the better. From what you've said about this persons behavior he fits the profile of a narcissist or sociopath perfectly. They are predators - not all sociopaths are killers, very few are-less than 1%, most are managers or CEO's of companies. Half the employees will love him and the other half will hate him.
Document and retain any and all evidence - emails, texts, photo's, social media contact you've had with your boss outside of work and any at work that could be taken in a sexual context. Does anyone else, like the parking lot guy, have evidence and can he document what he has seen or better yet take pictures?
Report him to human resources, but be careful as these men have no consciences and lie with the greatest of ease and are very convincing which is why you need the evidence as he will no doubt attempt to have you terminated.
It's good that someone else in the office knows. Can you get proof of him sleeping with the other women in the office? They just maybe feeling the same as you are - let them know they are not the only one(s) he's been sleeping with.
Together or alone you can nail this guy to the wall for sexual harassment which is what this is- you see there is a power in-balance - he is your boss. Find out what your company rules are on sexual harassment or relationships at the office. Speak with a lawyer who deals with sexual harassment and employment law FIRST b4 reporting him.
Do some reading up on narcissists and sociopaths - you will discover that these people actually have brain damage and it is impossible for them to not be impulsive - many have learned ways to adapt but they can't and will never love another person. They can be dangerous too, so watch your back and make sure your family and friends know what is going on and don't blame yourself as these people can be very charming and are master manipulators, they can pass lie detector tests while lying through there teeth because they have no emotional response when lying like normal ppl do. To protect yourself and your job, the more people that know what has happened the better - swallow your pride and embarrassment and protect yourself and your job.
He is playing on your sense of self worth and sense of rejection. Get angry and take your life back. Can you speak with a counselor to help you emotionally through this? Many employers have plans that assist their employees in crisis - you need to speak with someone who is experienced in dealing with women who are victims of narcissists and/or sociopaths.
Good luck to you. Pray for guidance, but do see an employment lawyer first, before going to human resources as human resource departments exist for the sole purpose of protecting a company from lawsuits.
I read these posts last night and I think it's very clear just how bad it is to get involved in these situation-in most cases; perhaps one in every 50k affairs end up alright.
I just have to say that-while I never got involved with a married man I am recently experiencing some temptation to go in that direction with a married man,who has been married many times; I feel this man probably lines up other women when he is ready to leave the current wife and he told me recently that he is going to leave this current wife this week. I have only known him for a month but I am finding myself drawn to this person like a drug; I feel like getting involved with him would be bad karma and I also feel like he is a scarey guy and I have yet to get a preview of the conflict and game there with him. I am an independent woman-although insecure and I have a great deal of caution in regard to men these days.
Anyone have ideas about getting out before anything happens/or before you are sure he is going to be single/ with a married man?
Awwww ricky that is awesome! I'm so happy for you guys and so glad that it has actually worked out for someone, just make sure you're not rushing into anything, you dont HAVE to get married :-)
I had a great weekend with new guy...his name is Greg (feels stupid calling him new guy all the time). I guess if nothing else i can put my hand on my heart and promise that being with someone who is actually available, i much much better than being with an MM.
Hang in there everyone, time does help heal the pain, even if it doesn't deminish the love
Before I start with my tale of woe, I just want to say how much this hub has helped me over the past few weeks. The experiences of you all make me realise I am not the only foolish woman in the world, and I can say that for the first time in my life I am a cliche!! I think I need to see my story in print so that I can finally see how stupid and weak I am.
I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man and we have 2 lovely children. We are from the UK, but been in Canada for the past 3 years due to my husband's job. Although things were a bit mundane between us and I felt taken for granted, I was truly happy with my life. I used to go running in the mornings and think I was the luckiest person alive, there was no one I would trade places with. I had this great family, fantastic friends on both sides of the Atlantic, no money worries, was fit, healthy and attractive. Then wham, bam right between the eyes I was hit. Met a MM when out with friends one evening for dinner - he was on his own as he was in our town for work, and we got chatting. I don't know what happened, I wasn't looking for anything but not long after we started talking I knew I wanted more. In my defence (not much of one I know), my husband was working away a lot and was pretty indifferent towards me when he was home, but this made it wasy for me to see the MM. Although he doesn't even live in the same Province as me, he engineered work so that he could be here as much as possible. And how madly in love I fell. And I know he felt the same. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep - he consumed all my waking thoughts. I tried to maintain normality at home for my children, but I'm ashamed to say I don't think I was as good a mother as I had been. How could I possibly be when I was obsessed with someone else? There no point in going in to it, as you all know we each felt we had met our soulmate, sex was amazing, I felt loved in a way that I had never been before, etc, etc.(See the cliches ...) We were in constant text or telephone contact and managed to see each other a surprising amount for the distance between us. He and his wife of 5 years have 4 teenage children, 2 each from previous marriages. He's not happy - many problems at home with her son and drugs, his daughter hating her, and so many more that are not even worth writing about, and upon reflection, probably much exaggerated. His wife is a product of a marriage wherein the father had a known long-term affair, so she is understandably going to have trust issues and is constantly suspicious of anything he does and anywhere he goes. She hounds him on the phone demanding to know what he's up to constantly - and rightly so. Things started to heat up after she found a receipt he had to lie about and saw a text from me come in, so put that together with how his attitude toward her had changed, he wouldn't let her have access to his phone and unexplainable absences, she knew exactly what he was up to. So life at home was hell for him, and although I felt sorry for him, I was secretly pleased ... as those of you who have been in my situation will understand. We had talked about a future together and how we would engineer things to be together, including what would be best for our respective children. I now have to admit that throughout all this I knew that my husband was a good man who did not deserve this. I don't know if I would have ever gone through with it. I still loved him and did not want to break up my family, but could not get this MM out of my head. It was like a drug I couldn't stop using. If I didn't hear from him I was distraught. Long gone was the happy carefree girl who thought her life was perfect. Anyway coming to the end of my tale ... he was under so much pressure with business, at home (and I daresay from me), I told him to go away for a week, we'd have no contact and he could see how he felt at the end of it. Feeling fairly smug of course that he wouldn't. Well, he did! He had some business in the US, so off he went, and I tried not to contact him. My life was hell. The drug had been withdrawn and I could not function. I craved him. My whole body seemed to shut down. I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. At one point if he'd asked I would have packed a bag and left my husband and children for him. I can hardly bear to admit that one. Eventually caved in and texted to ask him what was going on. So just about a year to the day we started our affair, he ended it with an email saying we should try to live our lives apart, he needs to concentrate on his business, his children, etc (cliches again). All through this fog I was living in, I KNEW that one day I would be relieved he was out of my life. That I still had a wonderful husband and my two lovely boys, and that they didn't know what I'd done. So every day I kept going - putting on a face and trying to get on with life. The few friends that knew my situation were really supportive. They knew I was better off in my marriage and that I'd be foolish to throw everything away for someone they didn't think I was even compatible with. And it happened, eventually the fog cleared and I saw him for what he was - a narcissist who thought he could have everything and who didn't even have the guts to end things to my face. My relationship with my husband was improving - he has just got a new job and I felt it was a fresh start for us. I'm also very pround of him. He loves me and our children very much, and this is what should make me feel wanted and needed. Not the attention of a man who needs me to boost his self esteem. So, here I am exactly a week ago. Looking forward to the rest of my life, relieved no one on my side got hurt, and happy again! Glad to be me and feeling on top of the world. Making plans for holidays (that I'd avoided) and weekends away with my husband and children. Decorating the Christmas tree, and in love with life, the way I used to be.
Fast forward to this weekend. The bastard started texting me agin towards the end of the week saying he was coming to town. I was hesitant. I didn't want to see him. His texts started getting a bit 'friendlier'. I told him what I thought. That he had no right thinking he could jump in and out of my life when it suited him. And then, stupid bloody fool that I am, I saw him yesterday. Had sex. What was I thinking? He said he wanted me in his life, but couldn't cope with the pressure of trying to keep everyone happy. I don't actually think he even apologised for the way he kept me hanging on for days then ended things in an email. So (I cannot believe I am actually typing this) eventually, we agreed that we would continue our affair, we both felt the same way about each other, and even if we ended it, one of us would get back in touch and we would see each other again. His stipulation was that we didn't have as intense contact as before. And I bought it. What sort of mindless moron am I? I came home yesterday evening to my husband and children as high as a kite because MM still loved me and wanted me. Jesus! Give me strength! How can my brain be manipulated like this? What sort of power does he have over me? And why am I so vulnerable? I cannot believe myself. So here I am today, writing this and hoping I will see the absurdity of the situation and END IT for ever. After a sleepless night - the reality of his selfishness kicked in at about 3am - I know I don't want him in my life. He wants to have me tucked away as his bit on the side while he tries to make things better at home. And the thing is I love my husband and this affair has shown me that I don't want to be without him - so why did I see MM yesterday, and even agree to continue a 50% relationship when I need him out of my life. If I keep seeing him I run the risk of my husband finding out and that is certainly not what I want. So why am I such a bloody stupid woman and why have I got myself into this mess and how do I get out of it for ever?
Comments please. Kick my ass if you like. I need it.
Scottish fool, i'm not going to kick your ass...you've done that enough. I think you summed it up perfectly in that he is like a drug, and like any drug its bloody hard to give it up. I think the really important thing to remember here is that you dont want to leave your husband....never risk anything you aren't prepared to lose. Call it off with MM again, you know you have to, you know its all bullshit and that he is just using you and doesn't even respect you! You know that you are happier without him. It will hurt and you will always wonder "what if" but you love your hubby. Be happy with what you have honey, you'll be fine..but end it NOW!
Scottish fool - keep in mind that you are not only betraying your husband, but your children also. Remember you're getting away with it for now - relationships with friends change over the years and just because they are keeping your secret now does not mean they always will - perhaps one of them may even decide to go for your husband if they are not happy in their relationship in the future and feel justified in doing so. Besides these day's there is always someone watching - cameras and cell phones everywhere. Your husband may suspect something by now and is just waiting.
He is USING you and you're USING him, his wife is suspicious because she has reason to be, he is playing on your empathy as narcissists always do and they lie big time - wouldn't believe a word that has ever come out of his mouth.
It's wrong of you to take your husbands freedom of choice/will away from him - that adds theft to the cheating. If it were the other way around and it was your husband who was doing this to you, would you want to know - be honest with yourself. You need professional help - you already know what to do - no contact with him - change your cell number and email address.
Scottish fool, I'm wondering if you need to figure out why you're risking loosing a truly wonderful blessed life - perhaps you believe it won't last anyway or that you don't deserve it, or that your husband will cheat - who knows could be any number of reasons. Try to figure out what is going on in your sub-conscious that is causing you to behave this way - that is why I suggested professional help, in the mean-time, no contact - block his number, do whatever you need to do to stay away. If it's the sex, spice things up with your husband and tell him what you want/need in that department, somehow, it doesn't sound like it's the sex to me - it's the risk your addicted too perhaps - maybe your life is too safe - whatever it is you need to find out or you'll just do it again with some other guy in the future. Just some impressions that came to mind when reading your post. Hope you can sort this out and save your marriage.
"His stipulation was that we didn't have as intense contact as before"
Scottish Fool
Let me translate this for you....
He means that he wants the same or MORE amount of sex with even LESS commitment than you required before...LESS regard to your feelings...LESS responsibility to you...
This is very sad but I have been there before...
This guy is leaving and going in order to manage down your expectations...if he treats you super nice one day he hooks you - then he treats you poorly and leaves and you are devastated and are then in a position to do ANYTHING and except ANYTHING in order to have him in your life...getting it?
This is a very old trick that abusers and users play with victims....this is how the Stockholm Syndrome arises and people end up pledging their loyalty to cults etc.
There is a man who I was with recently and has been trying to use this tactic with me as well...Im not falling for it. And I have NO family and I mean NONE.
I threw myself into working out, losing weight, taking classes etc and I watch him still try to get me back and hooked on him and I want to go but I don't. Instead I watch myself get smarter and thinner and him? Well fuck him. He deserves to stay in his dead end marriage.
Hun, I don't think that you are a bad person. I think that you have had some prior abuse in your life or you maybe have some other vulnerabilities (as I do) and that is why you are susceptible to this.
Please note: This man does NOT love you one single bit...not one. I am sorry to tell you that but it is true. People who love one another do not hurt them and abuse them. He is using you like a dishrag. And the fact that he broke up with you, gave you that lame as line, didn't care about your feelings, then comes back into your life and says he wants it to be LESS intense than before?? omg terrible.
Please listen to me...you have some vulnerability in your psyche that you need to address via a very good therapist. I am in therapy now and I am dealing with mine which is past abuse by none other than my father. We go for what we know...we try to fix past situations. etc etc...You need to see if you have any kind of history of trauma or something that is pulling you towards this.
I can tell you are a very sweet woman. I am so sorry this is happening. I know the feeling, removal of the drug, craving etc...hun HE knows this is happening to you and he is creating it to manipulate. There is no love here at all, just a bottom feeder playing cat and mouse with you.
You can fix this. Cut off ALL contact with this man immediately and get a therapist.
What do you think?
P.S. Remember that these men are not looking for someone instead of their wives. They are looking for a coping mechanism to stay in the marriage. Essentially we are TOOLS for them to withstand their dead marriages. That makes them downright scoundrels. And if their marriage isn't dead? So they just want more and MORE of a good thing? Then they are ratbastards.
We can't let these guys use us to make their marriage BETTER!!! Think about it!
IF A MAN DOES NOT WANT ALL OF ME...HE CAN'T HAVE ANY!!!!!!!
Dear Imsostupid: Ricky here, I really appreciate your feedback so tell me what you think. My divorce will go through in about 90 days or so. It is all being done with the best of care. Now my question to you, I am going to be with my lady on New Years Eve on a Yacht for dinner and the whole New Years Eve Celebration. I wanted to propose marriage to her right around the countdown to 2012. We were originally not supposed to see eachother till the day after Christmas, for she was going to be with her family and I was going to be alone which was Ok by me. However, now my lady said she wants to see me Christmas Eve before she sees her family. She wanted to do something special in New York City. I said that would be great ! Now my gift is this engagement ring I want to give her on the Yacht. Should I give it to her as planned on New Years Eve or change it to give on Christmas Eve? Like propose in front of the big Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center? If I leave it as plannned what should I give her for a Christmas present? Being I will see her Christmas eve and the day after Christmas which is the day she wanted to exchange gifts. I was originally going to buy her a dress for our Night on New Years Eve and give it to her on the day after Christmas. However, she got all excited bought a new dress and showed it to me. It is sexy and beautiful, she said she bought it with me in mind. So now I have nothing yet to giver her. What do you think? I like the proposal idea on the Yacht it is more personal and intimate. Yet some say Christmas Eve would be great too. I always appreciate your feedback so let me know. If anybody else has ideas please feel free to write in. It will be appreciated very much. Thanks-Sincerely, Ricky
I am brand new to this site and have just read so many of the posts. I landed here because I googled i am falling in love with a married man. i never in my entire life thought i would be involved in something like this. here's my story:
we met this past may through a friend of a friend. there was an instant connection. i saw him a few random times during the summer and each time we talked for hours, others were starting to notice but we didn't really care because we hadnt done anything wrong. towards the end of the summer he tried to kiss me but i refused because i felt so guilty. it was only a matter of time till we started sneaking around hanging out all the time. the last 3 months we have gotten really close and he's been at my house basically every night the past few weeks. before i ever met him i knew his marriage was struggling. i knew this because my friend is dating his best friend. it was really weird- the wife was never at any event i saw MM at. all the friends talked about how weird it was between them. when we started getting closer i asked him about it and he said they basically lead separate lives and he hasn't been happy in almost a year. he said he blames it partly because he married so young and he still is young (28) .recently he moved back to his home state to sort things out for an undetermined amount of time.
my problem - i am falling in love with him and i know its only been a short amount of time but i cant help it. plus he even told me he was falling in love with me!!! and tonight i told him i cant do this anymore because i deserve better. but i hate this and secretly hope he ends up leaving his wife, but i also dont want him to either. but i know i should just let it go and if its meant to be it will work out somehow someday. but it's so hard and i hate thissssss so much. i finally got over my ex bf because of MM, which is good but bad. i think i ended up in this mess because i havent been able to find a guy i connect with really well and then he came along and i was looking for anyone to finally solidify my heartbreak of over a year ago. we have an amazing connection and i dont get why this has to happen to me this way. why cant i just meet someone like him but that is available. ugh i dont know. i need some encouraging advice because i am a very confused girl.
Ricky, how about a necklace, earrings or bracelet to go along with the ring that may also match her dress as then it will be a bigger surprise about the engagement nye.
I have got my lady earrings and as soon as I saw them I knew they were for her. I've also got a picture of the 2 of us framed as I know that is o e thing she will love.
Things are getting harder for me I want to leave and give my lady everything she deserves this Xmas and that's a proper relationship but how can I do that to the kids at Xmas? She is so unique and special I just don't deserve her she understands why I've not left yet and is so understanding the one thing keeping us going this Xmas is knowing we will spend Xmas day night together and all of boxing day
Ricky, how about a necklace, earrings or bracelet to go along with the ring that may also match her dress as then it will be a bigger surprise about the engagement nye.
I have got my lady earrings and as soon as I saw them I knew they were for her. I've also got a picture of the 2 of us framed as I know that is o e thing she will love.
Things are getting harder for me I want to leave and give my lady everything she deserves this Xmas and that's a proper relationship but how can I do that to the kids at Xmas? She is so unique and special I just don't deserve her she understands why I've not left yet and is so understanding the one thing keeping us going this Xmas is knowing we will spend Xmas day night together and all of boxing day
@selfishcon - don't kill yourself - get professional help. I did not see your comment until today. I hope you're ok. Change jobs, be thankful for what you have - true love does not make you want to kill yourself. Being double-minded will make one lose their grounding. Emotionally and spiritually we suffer for what we do, but when we are truly sorry, and stop doing what's wrong, come clean and forgive ourselves then there can be a chance for real clean pure love.
@Torn43
Few outside of marriage counselors, know that all marriages go through twelve year cycles. Did you try marriage counseling with your wife in an attempt to save the relationship because it is true that you are cheating on your children as well and are breaking up a family - I'm sure the OW is amazing - there are plenty of amazing people out there that married persons are going to meet during their marriages - you may have even thought your wife was amazing when you married her.
Yet I agree that if you don't love your wife, let her go so she can meet an amazing man that will truly love her and share that love with the children you both created - the more people to love your children the better - hopefully your amazing OW will love your children as well. Seems by your comments that you've made your choice - the OW. The test of character will come in the divorce. Will you try to take custody of the children from your wife? Will you try to take the bulk of any of the assets built up over the ten years and cause there to be a long drawn out costly divorce and/or custody battle? The honorable manly thing to do is to pay for the divorce, admit the adultery in the divorce, and allow your wife either primary or, at the very least, shared custody - assuming she is not abusive, since it's your choice to leave the marriage and it does not sound like counseling was attempted. You can not expect your wife to be a doormat and wait for your fling to lose it's luster, if it's the real thing like you say it is. Time to Man Up.
Um...I am not sure why these men are on here talking about what presents to get their girlfriends but anyway....
Gianna....don't do it!!! Please don't! Oh god if you only knew what you were getting yourself into dear.
Wonderful post Stolenlives...thank you for that.
Thanks for your comments on my situation, I'msostupid, Stolenlives and phaidrah. I'm now back in the UK for Christmas which is why I've not responded sooner. After writing my story I got the courage to tell him it was over and to stay away from me. Very tearful and upsetting, but knew it was the right thing to do. Then the very next day (initiated by stupid me) we started texting again then spoke on the phone. I should bang my head against a brick wall! Once more I simply couldn't function. Felt sick to my core and the knife in my stomach was twisting and getting deeper and deeper. And I had been fine without him. I am so cross with myself for letting him back in my life. I did feel better with some contact, and figured I'd try to cope with whatever crumbs of a relationship he was throwing my way. Sad and pathetic, but true. I have to say that if I heard another woman speak the same way I'd shake her, so why do I allow someone to treat me like that? I just can't believe I would accept such behaviour. However, I am home with my family for the holidays so that is giving me some much needed space. I'm trying to text/speak to him as little as possible as a means of withdrawl. I just couldn't go cold turkey. I know he is manipulating me - Phaidrah you were correct in what you said. I don't know which is harder to bear - the fact that my whole being craves another person or the knowledge that he is treating me like a dish cloth and I let him. I even made a list of the pros and cons - 1 pro to a whole page of cons! I keep looking at that and reminding myself of what I could lose if I keep seeing him. So far so good ... The spell he had over me is well and truly broken. I am under no illusions as to his intentions - he is using me and I know it - but I just need to get this destructive drug out of my system so I can live my life again. A couple of you mentioned therapy - we live in a fairly small town, so I don't know if it would be available, but I think I'll investigate when we go back. I do have to say that if I got on a therapist's couch right now, I'd never get off!!!
To giannag - walk away. Read the pain in the stories here and vow never to put yourself through it, because that's how it will end. I am a grown woman, 46 years old and I have never felt so miserable in my entire life. I feel completely desolate and can hardly get through the day. So don't do it. Stay away from him, or it will be you who feels like this some time down the line. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
@Phaidrah Thank youu! i've been doing awesome the last 2 days. although i do still think about him A LOT. i haven't had the urge to text or call him. i hope he doesn't try to talk to me because then i'm not sure what i'll do but so far so good :)
advice for others trying to get MM out of your head- keep yourself busy with whatever you love to do. this sounds cliche but really helps so much. before you know it your day is over and you barely thought about him. doing things keeps your mind off of dwelling about him and the situation.
I'm curious about how it all happened torn43. How did you get to where you find yourself in your heart. Will you be able to be happy seeing your kids sometimes instead of everyday?
How is this woman different than your wife? Describe your relationship with your wife. Were you ever as in love with her as you are with this OW. How was your marriage all these years, when did you stop being in love with your wife? Can you recall the reasons?
We can all learn a lot from your experiences. You seem to be a very good man in the middle of a difficult situation.
Scottish fool....
Do not be so hard on yourself...really...anyone who has posted here has been through this phase you are in now. This is a something that has opened a deep wound in you and has released some strong chemicals in reaction to that...seriously...you NEED to get into counseling. I would not even think that you could do this, based on this last reaction, alone hun.
Just the fact that you realized that he indeed does not love you and is using you is much MUCH progress. You are on the road ok? Just know that you need to get your supports in place and get ready for NO CONTACT. This is the ONLY way to combat an addiction. Get ready for this ok?
Meanwhile get some books, call some therapists, small town or not. This will destroy your core completely and can do YEARS of damage if you don't make a move to cut this off totally.
Listen I have to have limited contact with my ex MM and it is HELL on earth. I simply cannot look him in the eye or stand within a few feet of him or I will not go away. That is the kind of pull he has on me. I am still so drawn to him and so heartbroken that I just can't stand it. It rips my heart out every time. I just keep my distance, force myself, walk away when I see him coming etc etc and it is getting a little less day by day.
There are some great books...."Women who love too much", "Breaking your addiction to a person", you can google love addiction and you will find lots of resources, books, websites....those titles may sound bad but really it just addresses the real reasons we get into these relationships and can't get out.
Glad you are with your family. Just try and relax and keep minimal contact until you can pull together some support ok?
@Gianna
Yay for you!! Keep it up! There will be a time when you will feel weak and long for contact....hold strong and see your way out of this ok?
Good going !!!!
I wish yo GOD that I didn't have to see my ex several times a week. It would speed up this healing process so much. Nothing I can do for now or for a while though.....
We are strong women..we have to hang tough and demand more than just being used as some side dish to spice up these guy's marriages. Don't do it!
Love,
P
Love,
P
To torn43
I think you should leave your wife, not tell about an affair, and wait a year and then start dating the OW officially.
If the divorce is friendly you may work it out with your wife to see your kids daily. Your wife deserves to be with a man that is in love with her. You and OW deserve your chance to have a decent, honest and happy life together.
Lying is bad, you are not being a good person by being a hypocrite to your wife and cruel to the OW. Yes, having a person on the side is cruel. I know that you are a caring and loving man and you will find the strengh to do the right thing.
I hope this helps you a little torn43. Best wishes and please let us how everything goes. Your story moved me so much.
Thank you all for your responses.
I was very much in love with my wife but early On I had doubts and nearly ended it. We married within the year of getting together and had some financial rough times but got through it then family member became very ill and died because of this we decided to try for a baby but I wasn't sure if I was ready but I went along.my wife got pd and I supported her through it
As I have with everything that has happened in our relationship. I the
Found out things that happened in the past but it involved and it hurt as it came out at a dinner pty
Thank you for all your reponces.
We married with in a year of meeting. And I had doubts early on before but I loved her so went along with the marrage. A close family member then died and she decided we would have a baby I wasn't sure but went along as it made her happy. She got pnd and I did everything I could for her. Then a few years later we went to a dinner party and she told everyone at the table a story about her past when we were just getting together and that really hurt. During all this we had financial difficulties and then I was starting my own business. Then there were times with a friend of hers and she didn't confess to doing things with her on the toilet but it was so obvious it was a big thing she couldn't be honest with me. Then she fell pregnant with our second child I love her to bits but it was a bad time for us lots of arguing and not getting on. This was when our sex life practically stopped, as I didnt want it any more. My wife never worked I didn't push her too she had free reign of all monies and I was fine with all that. But as years have gone on we drifted apart I can't remember when I fell out of love with her it just happened but I will always love her she is the mother of my children. During all this I still showed affection its who I am I guess I was hiding behind it all and our problems. I never had support through my work I work long hrs and do all I can to better myself. It's not all her I'm too blame too because of the hrs I worked 17 hr days sometimes but I get highly stressed I give into her every need except sex for an easy life which is wrong I don't feel I can talk to her do I don't open up. 3 yrs ago we started councilling but it didn't help any after 5 months and things slipped back to everyday life sex had stopped I was too tired and didn't want any. We split for a short time earlier this year but I couldn't bare to be apart from the kids it was killing me I'm very hands on.
I don't regret going back because of kids but I do for my ow. It was at this point I finally admitted my true feelings to her and it was difficult because of my kids and yes I feel guilt towards them every day and at times my wife. U asked how my ow is different well she has drive she's a go getter she appreciates everything and takes nothing for granted she's there for everyone of her friends no question (y wife is the same when she is asked to help but she is also a great friend to everyone) she is a natrual mother and loves my children the same and she is so beautiful inside never puts herself first works hard and never complains gets on with life with a happy go lucky attitude she's everything I want and have ever wanted we connect like no other on every level I want to be with her every minute of the day Shes the only one who can relax me and she deserves so much more than I am giving but I can't bear life with out the children and she doesn't question and understands even tho she has tries to show me it will be ok. But I'm extremely lucky that I get to see her loads alone and on a daily basis with out families that's our biggest problem were all friends people will see bad of us I know but this is the most selfish thing I have done. I'm starting to think of myself and tell my wife no this is having bad feeling in the house I'm getting grumpy as i wanna be with ow and just feel so lucky that we are spendin a lot of time together over christmas it's only what is keeping me going.
It's long winded I know and I do want to leave just fear of losing kids is what's keeping Me there I'm so torn and all I want to do Is be with her
Hi Torn43: Thanks for the heads up on that. Good advice ! I will give her a gift on Christmas to go with the dress but will do the ring on New Years eve. Thanks I appreciate it. Sincerely, Ricky
Hi Giannag: I totally understand where you are coming from and know it is painful to fall in love like that. I think and truly believe your best option is to not pursue the relationship. If he wants you bad enough he will leave his wife for you. If not, consider yourself lucky that you can move on and just let another come to you. The key is to not be looking for it, just let it happen on its own. We do better when not looking for the relationship rather than looking for it. Just be you and let the opportunities come to you, then you can choose what you want and not settle for less than that. Good Luck ! Sincerely, Ricky
Hi all. I think this is a forum that might help me, so just wanted to see if someone would hear me out...
I'm in a 'relationship' with a married man. It sounds so weird to say that, because there's no way this could be a real relationship. I can't see him when I want, I can't call him when I want. But we work together, and I see him often enough. I met him about 2 years ago, and nothing really ever was out of hand until this summer. We started texting and emailing more frequently, and eventually 3 months ago, I started sleeping with him. It's hard because I love him and he says he 'loves' me, but I know you all will tell me its not true. I've asked him to leave his wife, and he says that it's just too much for him to do right now. He might lose his visa, and his parents and his in-laws are best friends. They've been best family friends since he was a baby, and this would just rock everyone's world. When he told me that, I broke it off. But I love him so much that I wasn't able to stay away and demoralized myself by allowing it to continue even though I knew I wasn't getting what I really want.
He'll come over to my place often and tell me that he's never more peaceful or happy than when he's alone with me. I'm trying not to let myself get so caught up, and even have tried dating other people to no success. I just can't imagine being with someone more perfect for me. We complement each other so well, he's literally the man of my dreams.
I've told two friends, and although they've always been so supportive of me, I can tell they're starting to get frustrated with my 'stupidity'. Now, I don't even tell them anything anymore.
What to do? What are the chances this is going to end in my happy ending?
Ok, I just posted and it got deleted! So let me try again.
I'm having a 'relationship' with a married man. We work together and have known each other for 2 years now. But nothing really started until this summer when we started texting and emailing more often, and then 3 months ago we started sleeping together. I love him and he says he loves me, but I do understand that if he really loved me he'd just be with me. I've asked him to leave his wife, and he says its too complicated right now. He's under a lot of pressure at work, and he could risk losing his visa if he were to get divorced. Plus, his parents and her parents are the very best of friends, and he's known them since he was a baby. I think it just seemed the right thing to do for him to marry her, but who knows. He says that he's thought about leaving, but can't committ to that right now because it would turn his world upside down. After he told me that, I broke it off. But, I wasn't as strong as I thought, and we ended up seeing each other again. It sickens me that I let myself do this when I know it's not right, I'm being awful to his wife, and we both deserve better. I've even tried to make myself be distracted with someone else, and have tried dating, but to no avail. I've devulged my affair with two of my close workfriends, and they've been really supportive, but I can tell they're starting to get frustrated with me.
But I do love him. Immensely. He's the man of my dreams, and I honestly couldn't have imagined someone better for me. He tells me that when he's with me he's never felt more happy or peaceful and special.
I dont know what to do. In 6 months I'm at a turning point in my career, and we'll both be planning lives in different cities. I know I'm stupid for thinking of 'us' 6 months down the road even.
What to do? What are the chances that this ends in my fairy tale ending????
Yes Ricky, I do suggest you go ahead and propose on NYE - it is only what your OW deserves. "Engaged" to a married man - how interesting....and something to be so very proud of too..
@Torn43
Sorry but there is something very odd here...I am wondering, firstly (from your way of writing and spelling) how old you are exactly?
Also torn, sorry but I don't see anything that you have written that gives any kind of justification for divorce? You are being very judgmental here of your wife and you have even admitted that most (though you did not say specifically however it appears that way) of the problem is you. "You" have been withholding sex, you have not opened up, you have worked 17 hour days thereby causing a disconnect? I don't get it.
Sorry to say but it sounds to me like you may be the type of person to just get sick of someone and want something new. Your marriage is about commitment, not weak feelings in the knees.
Also, how could you have put forth the effort that you should have via counseling WHILST you are lying, deceiving and sharing your body with a woman who is not your wife.
Well extracting yourself from your wife's life may be the best thing to give her a chance for her to have someone who treats her right...you are clearly not and frankly, it is quite repulsive IMO.
Also, the only thing that seems to "bother" you about all this is the fact that you miss your OW? Wow. So you have no guilt, no remorse, no feeling of being cruel to both these women huh? This is not good my friend. Not good at all.
When the shiny wears off of this one what will you do? When you live fulltime with her and you see her ins and outs what will you do? When someone else comes along THEN and looks brand new and seems great will you then discard this OW for yet another?
Get my point?
@Torn43
Sorry but there is something very odd here...I am wondering, firstly (from your way of writing and spelling) how old you are exactly?
Also torn, sorry but I don't see anything that you have written that gives any kind of justification for divorce? You are being very judgmental here of your wife and you have even admitted that most (though you did not say specifically however it appears that way) of the problem is you. "You" have been withholding sex, you have not opened up, you have worked 17 hour days thereby causing a disconnect? I don't get it.
Sorry to say but it sounds to me like you may be the type of person to just get sick of someone and want something new. Your marriage is about commitment, not weak feelings in the knees.
Also, how could you have put forth the effort that you should have via counseling WHILST you are lying, deceiving and sharing your body with a woman who is not your wife.
Well extracting yourself from your wife's life may be the best thing to give her a chance for her to have someone who treats her right...you are clearly not and frankly, it is quite repulsive IMO.
Also, the only thing that seems to "bother" you about all this is the fact that you miss your OW? Wow. So you have no guilt, no remorse, no feeling of being cruel to both these women huh? This is not good my friend. Not good at all.
When the shiny wears off of this one what will you do? When you live fulltime with her and you see her ins and outs what will you do? When someone else comes along THEN and looks brand new and seems great will you then discard this OW for yet another?
Get my point?
@solostinlove
So sorry that this has happened to you. I know it's hard but you must get away asap. Why? This guy is a liar....period.
So he is claiming that he will be deported over leaving his wife for you? lol...omg these guys come up with better and better ones all the time. Ok so this guy chose a VISA over you? ummm...
SO yeah, if a guy truly LOVES you he will move mountains for you...he will leave his girlfriend, his wife, get a divorce, convert religions and possibly cutoff a pinky finger.
Don't believe the hype sister. This guy is just getting his rocks off cause he can. Also, if there is a bad relationship at home, guess who is helping him and making it better? You.
Oh and this one?
"He'll come over to my place often and tell me that he's never more peaceful or happy than when he's alone with me"
This is a bald face lie hun...guess what? Here's the reality of this...
He IS more peaceful and happy when he is somewhere other than alone with you...he is MORE peaceful and happy when he is at home alone with his VISA and his wife and his in laws? How do I know? Cause that is what he CHOOSES to have for his real life. You are what he chooses to have for his fantasy life ....something that is NOT real, but in fact, fake.
You do not have to let this happen. None of us do. This guy is using you like a dishrag and you can stop this right now. Please consider this ok?
Best to you.
P
Phaidrah - I totally agree that these MM posting on here about the gifts and outings with their OW is decidedly weird. Can't help but think it's a way of justifying their behavior to themselves whilst playing with the heads of the women who are posting on here who have been seeing a married man. They are fearful that their own OW may become enli9ghtened and heed the advice of women who have gone before them who have been used by MM and realize they are just being used for sex and/or to alleviate boredom, stroke their ego's and provide them with the thrill of seeing just how well and for how long they can manipulate a women for w/o being dumped and flushed into the sewer for the stenching stool's they are. Proves just how cruel and that they utterly lack good judgment. Also, Bingo on Torn43.
@Torn43 - in a nutshell, you want the OW, your kids, and you don't want to give up half your business to your wife in a divorce because that is what will happen - you could not have worked 17 hours a day with children w/o your wife's support. You said your tired, but not too tired to screw your OW - just not your wife all because she said something a dinner party that embarrassed you years ago. Your wife has PND which is a breathing disorder that leads to heart failure and you're complaining that she isn't a go getter like your OW - kind of hard when you have serious shortness of breath and can't sleep at night. Don't punish your wife because you had misgivings about marrying her, but did it anyway - that was not fair to her, you should have been honest with her and saved you both, but that takes honesty and courage - something that both bullies and cheaters lack.
You can not have your, OW, your kids and keep your business all to yourself - it is what it is. Perhaps that go getter, positive, cheery, kind to everyone saint of a OW will help you re-coup your financial losses after the divorce, but she can't do that if she's looking after your kids too.
solostinlove,
the only hope of a happy ending for you is if you end this relationship.There is always something more alluring about something we can't have isn't there?
That is what fuels the longing and the fantasy in the case of affairs. Most OW have a big case of low self esteem which is boosted if they can have some man telling them how special they are and how he is going to pick them over his wife. This man has not even tried to kid you that he intends to leave his wife. He is using you for sex only. On what basis to you feel that you compliment each other so well? You haven't lived in any normal environment with him or even been able to engage in a normal open courtship. You have only seen his workplace persona and heard his words telling you how wonderful you are when he wants sex. You don't know the real man, and are therefore fantasizing about a life with someone who doesn't exist.
The fact that you are asking yourself and others if this is right means that you know already that it is not.
Stop it, move away and find a real available man. And please do not do what most angry OW do and that is to make trouble for the wives in an effort to punish them for something they had nothing to do with. Usually done with some pious "they have a right to know"
Remember the old saying
A mistress who becomes the wife inevitably creates a vacancy for a new mistress.
lynath - excellent last post except the bit about the wives - they DO have a right to know, they have a right to choice, denying them this right is a further cruelty - especially if the man is a serial philanderer/adulterer - the wife deserves to chose - to know the truth about her husband and the nature of their relationship - the wife deserves to be with someone who will be faithful to her and really love her - life is too short to waste on a selfish narcissist; especially for women, much harder for them to find a new man after age 40.
@stolenlives and @lynath
Ty ladies...I could not have put it better myself.
And yes, let's pray that Torn's wife finds someone who is not a cad shall we?
It is good for us in a way to see how cruel these guys are. See ladies, we don't get to see this with out MM now do we? All we see and hear is how great he is and how nasty she is huh?
Yuck.
Happy Holidays ladies. I hope that you all are making it just fine. I am so glad that I got rid of my piece of shit. Even though I am sad and I have to see him several times a week I am still feeling a little better every day. I wish this for all of the women who have been seduced into being an ego machine for these losers.
Love to all of you.
P
And yes...lol...@stolenlives....we wonder about Torn's comment about his wife don't we?
"She's not a go getter"
lololol so is he looking for a mate or a CEO...who knows?
LOLOLOLOL
thank you dear stolenlives, i have actually taken the HR into confidence but the sad part of it all is that the HR who is oldest in the company already knew of my bosses previous affairs. So now if ever my boss comes back texting me and trying to mess with my life? he has had it. but a zillion thanks for your support and right source of action. god bless.
thank you dear stolenlives, i have actually taken the HR into confidence but the sad part of it all is that the HR who is oldest in the company already knew of my bosses previous affairs. So now if ever my boss comes back texting me and trying to mess with my life? he has had it. but a zillion thanks for your support and right source of action. god bless.
It funny how the OW really believe he will leave his wife for her. If u give the milk for free why would he want to buy the cow! I received an anonymous email warning me that my husband was having an affair with an assistants @ work. Our marriage was a normal one & I never had any signs that he would be cheating on my. @ home he wasn't on his cell phone other the normal & I always knew who he was talking to or texting. Never came home late & always greeted me & the kids with a hug a kiss. So of course this email come to me as a surprise.I immediate call his work place & ask for the OW to confront her. I was told she was on vacation. I then ask to speak to my husband & b4 I can say a word he start explaining to me that a few employees were terminated & so the owner was now receiving anonymous threatening email. He claim that exemployees believed he was to blame for this & warned me about any weird emails or phone calls. After hearing this I confess to him about the email I received & he claims that it's all a lie. I should know better & it's definitely the exemployees trying to f--k with his family. “ I will find out who that person is & I will report them to the police, I hope u believe me & know that I love u & our children very much to disrespect my family an any way". Those were his words. I belived him. After this he was on a hunt. Of course I pushed him to look into it as well. He is very computer smart there for I knew he would get to the bottom of it. He was determent to find the person who dare email me with such thing. He ends up finding out the email was send by his own friend. Which we suspect was gay but would not admit to it. To me it was very strange that his friend would do such thing to my husband. He was brought to our house by my husband to admit he send the email & apologies to me. I was surprise he didn't crap on our front porch. I could see the fear in his face specially bcs he knew my husband was PO. I was very happy that my husband was determined to clear my mind of any doubts I had of him & proof to me that he was a family man & extremely devoted to him family. “ I will never cheat on u. I will leave u 1st then to put u thru any pain. Ur such a great mother to our children & ur a wonderful wife. I'm so lucky to be with u. I know a lot of men wish they were in my place I have the most beautiful wife in the world." he would say this to me all the time. So he convinced me to believe that maybe his friend had a crush on him & wanted me out of the picture. A few weeks later I was contacted by the same friend & beg me to lisent to him & to believe that he was telling me the truth. He claimed to know that my husband was cheating on me with this OW @ work. He had no proves but knew they would see each other secretly after work. He said the way they both look, flirt & took care of each would make anyone believe something was going on between them. I ask what was his motive if he claimed to be a good friend of my husband & he said he just didn't want to see our family destroyed & wanted my husband to open his eyes & realized that if I discovered his affair he would lose his family. I really wasn't sure what to believe. So I made it my point to confront the OW faces to faces. I told my husband about the phone call & warned him that i would confront the OW. He made me promise that once I confronted the OW that I would drop it & no longer received calls from this crazy guy. I agreed & when I confronted the OW I made it clear to her that I was dedicated to my children & as a mother I had to do what ever I needed to protect them & if she & my husband were having an affair to be woman enough to admit it to me bcs I wasn't going to lower my self & fight for a man that does not want me. I even went as far as telling her that she could have him bcs I have 3 beautiful babies to care for & didn't need a man in our lives that did not deserve us. All in all she denied everything & claimed to have respect for my babies & me & saw my husband as nothing but a very nice person. As I agreed I dropped it. I apologized to husband for allowing myself to doubt him. He hugs me, kisses me & tells me that he loves me & only me infront of his entire office. I felt like a bad wife & couldn't believe that I allowed someone to disrespect my husband in such way. This guy continued calling me & try to warn me that I was being played as a fool by booth of them & in fact one of the exemployee was fired bcs she didn't reseprecate to my husband's flirting. He said my husband would pick his daughter(my step-daughter) up on his weekends & drop her off at the OW house & tell me she was @ a sleep over. He also mention to know that my husband would hack into my accounts & had my passwords to everything & read all my emails. I had nothing to hide so I had nothing to worry. This time I did not allow him to fill me with lies. I asked him to never call me again to leave me alone. My husband got a restraining order against this guy to protect him, the children & me. Strangely he also added OW I asked why? & he claimed to feel bad that this poor girl got dragged into this big mess bcs his crazy friend needed an innocent victim that would not act against him & that he felt that this was the least he could do for her. We moved on & turned the page to an ugly chapter of our lives & decided we both learn not allow anyone into our family the way we allowed this crazy guy. As time when on & our children out grow their baby stage. My husband would really push me for a 4th baby. I wanted to way & enjoy a little free time since now all 3 kids were attending school. I tought of may doing something for me for once, since I had been a housewife for a whiled now. I wanted to either enroll in school, or find a part time job, this way it would allow me to continued to be available for my children. He was not so thrilled about about. It seemed like he really was looking forward to our 4th baby. After a while I decided as well that it would be best to have our 4th child now that way our children won't have such a big gap in between their age. I was extremely excited about this decision bcs this was our first planed pregnancy. Everything was running smooth. He was very supportive with this pregnancy as he was with the rest. Towards my 8th month I started to notice a change on him. He was spending less & less quality time with us. All he wanted to do was seat infront of the computer. It begin to feel as if we were second priorty. We begin to argue more & more, & it seem as if he did not care a bit to see me cry or hurt. He started to pay less & less attention to the children. I wanted to believe that maybe the pregnancy was affecting him. I remember the children would ask him for stuff & he would reply with “u want it for ur new apartment". At that point I felt as if something was really wrong. I would ask him if he no longer love me? He would tell me that he was under a lot of stress & he had lots to worry about & lots to deal with. We would fight so much & for the little things. There was times were it felt as if he would pick argument just to fight. One day I notice a red mark on his chest & when I got closer to get a better look he covered up so fast. I question him about it & he gave me excuse after excuse. 1st he said he covered up bcs he was self-consions about his body. Bulls*** I won't accept that answer I feared the worst I tought I was going to have to be taken to the hospital for my stomach pains. I was shaking uncontrollably. Then he claimed to have been getting weird spots on his body & didn't want to tell me bcs he didn't want to worry me. He promised that he was telling the truth & to prove I would come along with him to his next Dr. visit. One they after dropping the kids @ school he calls me & tells me he forgot to mention his appointment was that day & his Dr. Suspected thyroid problem due to the spot on his chest. I didn't notice any hair lost, weight gain or lost, his neck was not swollen. I told him to change his Dr. & reschedule for a 2nd opinion. A woman intuition is so powerful. We would have discussions about his 2kids from his ex wife. I felt as they di
mybabies1always - so what happened? I'm intrigued - some men are exceptionally good liars - self-protection comes before anything else in their lives.
shakira001 - I'm so glad you took the steps to protect yourself. I doubt he will stop his behavior and will continue to find prey at work - this type is incorrigible and beyond redemption. The good news is he will probably end up being fired.
Thank you for letting me know how it turned out for you - that was kind of you. I hope you meet a man who will love respect and cherish you as you deserve. God Bless.
I felt extremely disrespected by them. They had no rules & he would never discipline his children. I guess he has the so call “feeling guilty for leaving them" issue. B4 this arguments were not as big as he was making them to be now. His #1 topic to pick a fight about. He also began to dress better for work & the gym was now his priorty. When I question this his excuse was that he was feeling a bit insecure about himself since I am 10years younger then him & all he was doing was trying to look good for me. He gave me the whole speech about how I always get complements for looking younger then my real age & how he notice youngmen staring @ me when we r out. Well when time came to give birth I remember him acting so cold that I would have rather been alone. After I had an emergency c- section he decided to go home & rest. Which he never did b4 with our other children. Back home I was always alone unable to take painkillers & taking care of my newborn with no help from him. He would call me after work & to say that he had a stressful day & needed to relax & would be going to watch a movie by himself. He would arrive @ midnight & go directly to our son's room where he would sleep. Our older children spend most of the time with grandma. So he had it easy. On the weekends he would pick up his other kids & spend the entire weekend out. On thanksgiving day he kept making excuses to step out of the house, which he did. We had a big fight bcs of it, but in the end once again he promised that he loved me & the kids & was not willing to lose his family to the point where he was considering counseling. Well Christmas eve while celebrating in a relatives house his excuse for this day was, he wanted to take a nap in the car bcs he was tired. This time I wasn't having it. I said to him that we would be leaving so he can rest @ home & just like that he changed his mind & decided that it would be rude if we left early. Christmas day- due to not being 100% recuperated from my c-section I was not able to shop for the children's gifts. He bought a DSi for each child & thought It was enough. He didn't even bother to get a Christmas tree. This day our neighbor came over with gifts for the children. Well my husband was pretty upset @ the neighbor did not bring gifts for his other 2children that were spending Christmas with their mother. Some how I was to blame bcs I didn't do my wifely duties by making it clear to the neighbor that she must bring 6gifts for all 6kids or don't bring anything @ all. With out saying a word & as the kids played with their toys & our son asked his father to play with him, my husband walks out of the house. At this points I had enough I get all 4kids ready & in their carseats
Moderator...why are you not publishing my comments please?
@mybabies1stalways
Hun can you make your story a little more concise please? I just cannot follow this at all :(
Hi Lynath: I appreciate your tone in your writing. I agree if this were a situation where I am hiding in all this, then it would be in bad taste. However, my wife and I agree that our divorce will be final in less than 90 days now. So things are moving forward and my wife knows about my lady friend. She knows everything. So this is all out in the open. I am not going to hide and play games here. I am blessed that I have a wife who wanted a divorce not from anger but from working on our relationship together only to find we are not in love any more. I found somebody in the process and was upfront with erverybody and it is working out just fine. Yes, this is an unusual circumstance I admit. However, I am grateful that we are all being real and mature in our handling of it. So what is wrong with asking someone you are in love with to marry you, while getting a divorce. I just wanted to do it on New Years Eve so it could be special, being my divorce will be done by February. I don't want to wait another year for this chance and keep a woman I am in love with waiting. I'd like to hear your response. Sincerely, Ricky
I wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of you on this site a very healthy and prosperous New Year ! Sincerely, Ricky
Then why are you here on this blog exactly "Ricky" ?
God this is weird.
Thank you for the previous advice. I got lucky my mistress wasn't pregnant and I broke it off, but I am still so unhappy with my wife and I was stupid enough to marry out of guilt, but she is still 14 weeks pregnant. I feel too guilty to leave her whilst pregnant and scared of causing her to miscarry due to stress.
I know what some people think here the ass hole like us deserve to rot, I feel like I do, but I am a fucking brilliant dad even my wife and the mother in law praise me for that and we don't see eye to eye, I do everything else a dad should do, I pay for my child, I work 3 jobs to earn a living for my child, I still find plenty of time to play and bond with my child, he loves me, I love him, day to day I am trying my bestest and hardest to be the best dad I can be. I am devoted to my son and will be for the new born, but when you get unhappy and you get confused and before you know it you find comfort in someone else. Yes its stupid, its bad it is wrong but anybody and I mean ANYBODY can find themselves in that situation. I get CHEATS are a disgrace so I guess that means me but what makes me sick is the people who think there upper class because they not cheated. It don't make you a better person, it may make you a better partner by record but it does not make you a better person.
Those who judge I guarantee one day half of you will become a hypercritical persons because you would of done something so stupid yourself.
I come here like many others to ask for advice, for guidance and for help, not to be slagged off and there for the title says affairs with married men, I am presuming for mainly advice so just bare this in mind before you critics start whining how pathetic the rest of us are.
Sorry and rant over
mybabies1stalways: unfortunately, the man you married is exceedingly callous, profoundly selfish and above all a COWARD - no women has any use for a coward. Let the jerk go - being a single parent of 4 kids will be difficult, but not near as difficult as staying with such a blatantly cruel boy - can't call him a man. Deadly combination - callous, cruel, liar, profoundly selfish, self protectionist, cheat, and COWARD.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Get angry and use your anger as a springboard to action in protecting yourself and your children from this evil useless person. There is nothing more painful than betrayal, yet time and support can heal betrayal but it takes time. God Bless you and know you can write on this forum to receive additional support.
Phaidrah - I look forward to your comments - they are full of wisdom and insight. Not quite sure why they did not go through - I sure hope your future ones do.
There is no circumstance when being 'engaged' to a married man is not in bad taste putting aside any legal issues.You certainly have done a wonderful job making your wife buy into the rubbish you have fed her to rationalise and justify the affair and conclude that you no longer love each other - although I prefer to think she is a smart woman who is strong enough to not accept you in her life anymore and who will not accept being treated badly. My question to you would be "How can you be 'working' on your marriage relationship 100% with the honest intent of possible repair, when one of you is putting time and emotional and physical effort into an affair?" What you have done is gone through the motions in order to ease your conscience and pretend everyone is fine and happy and attempt to retain some integrity.
Most people can see through it.It does not matter if your wife knows about it.
I would say from just reading your proposal ideas that you are absolutely caught up in fantasyland.
You are now upset that you may have missed the opportunity to do the Hollywood romance proposal on the perfect 'set' of a yacht on NYE. Again that screams disaster waiting to happen. In my opinion if people are really in love and genuine then those things don't matter at all.So why would you have to wait another year to propose if not for fantasyland setting to come around again?
How ya gonna keep her down on the farm after she seen Paris...etc etc etc... in other words can you keep up the fantasy romance in the harsh light of reality?
And more scarily...do you think she will never change? lol!lol lol! Any woman who is prepared to have an affair with a married man will have no hesitation in dumping him when the excitement and attention lessens as it inevitably does ove time.
stolenlives, the question of the betrayed person needing know is an ethical dilemma. Originally I thought like you but now I am not so sure.
We know that they had no choice in whether or not their partner started an affair and so are disadvantaged by having a third person controlling decisions in their relationship that they are unaware of. They probably have a 'right' to know but is this always best?
My main concern is that many times wives find out about affairs from the other woman or man ONLY when the cheater attempts to end the affair, and so it is done out of spite to both the wife and the cheater, and NOT as many like to pretend, from some noble good deed as all of a sudden they care about the wife's wellbeing and her having a choice!
One of the things that really irks me is when the other women attempts to be supportive of the wife and 'all girls against bad cheating men together' in order to punish him when he wants out. The other woman trying to put herself on the same level and standing as the wife - as though she had a right to be with the man all along.
I do not understand why other women blame the men for the affair as though they had no free will of their own getting into it, and only make out that 'all men are bastards" I do understand that this is how they try to justify and make out they have been taken advantage of.
Reality is that women in affairs are nearly always after something in return for sex, money power social standing etc.
What I think is that the majority of men are opportunists when it comes to sex and that they are poor communicators emotionally in relationships with both traits instilled one by nature one by nurture and lead to infidelity.
If I found out my now ex husband had a one night stand and was remorseful then I would forgive and try to forget (with the benefit of maturity of course.) Would I want to know about it? Not really as the damage done to trust and romantic ideal is hard to overcome.
If my husband was a serial cheater one night physical only type then I would want to know to make my choice as to whether I could accept this or not.
If the affair was longer and emotional and well as physical, then the person revealing it has got to know that the devastation and consequences are going to be huge. In my case it was more than a one night stand but not very long term .The other woman made sure I found out out of spite and also because she wanted my lifestyle and other things related to my husbands working life. He had no intention of telling me or ending out marriage and even she spat at me that the affair would have ended and I would have been none the wiser. This was said as though I was very stupid and deserves this to happen because I did not suspect.Another common theme form other women.
Did I need to know?
Let me see. By knowing I had my nice safe happy world shattered. Everything I had worked for for 20 something years destroyed. The ongoing consequences have been appalling. I suffered the most unbearable pain and grief for years over the end of my marriage, as did my children and my husband. To this day 12 or so years later there are still triggers to tears and grief.It is worse than a death.
If a person dies you are left with pleasant memories.If a person cheats and leaves you are left with trauma pain and years of questioning "why" Why someone you loved and trusted would betray you and risk their childrens security and happiness.Everything you knew as reality in the marriage and with the person is now in question and doubt and it is not a nice way to have to live. It ruins and destroys all memories which should be happy. This is especially so when the cheater along with the other person starts to rewrite the history of the marriage to make eveything seem bad in order to justify the affair.
If the other woman hadn't made herself known then I would, as she said, been none the wiser and continued to nurture the family and life I had until I looked back with pleasure on all the happy memories of my life in my old age. that has been stolen from.
However not all doom and gloom in the new life either - another story.
My story.
I honestly do not know how I got myself in such a messy situation. I had been married to the love of my life for almost 10 years. He was not only my husband but my best friend. He passed away in 09 and I suddenly found myself at 27 a widow. I struggled along trying to put my life together and I decided to go back to school to finish my degree, and I am excelling in that area. My life was starting to have a sense of purpose again and I felt I could go on. Towards the end of 2010 I meet a man and at first sight I was in love. I hadn’t felt that way since my deceased husband and the feeling was exhilarating. I do not know how to drive and he was the driver who drove me to school in the mornings, we would talk, laugh, he told me he was married. It was getting towards the end of his route and the end of my semester, he told me he would miss seeing me and we exchanged numbers and thus began the worst year of my life. In that year I learned more about lies, deception, shattering self esteem and self worth than I ever had, and I somehow was able to confuse this with love. There was never a question of him leaving his wife because I knew I was getting the best of him, after all he lied only to her, that’s what I smugly told myself. We became intimate and I suddenly found myself pregnant. Aborting our child was the hardest thing I ever did and to his credit he left the decision up to me, after careful consideration I knew that would be wrong as far as his wife was concerned. Bad enough I was sleeping with her husband, I couldn’t go through with having his child and the huge fall out that was sure to erupt from it. Anyway we got through it and we seemed to grow a stronger bond. I truly thought he loved me, he would send flowers to my house once a week, he thanked me for keeping my figure tight for him and cooking him meals, he stayed up at 4 in the morning editing my papers for school, and when his route changed during the winter he made sure that I rode with him in the mornings on his way to work so he could safely see off to school or work, and took off at least two days a month and spent the entire day with me, doing whatever I wanted.
Everything took a turn for the worse when the wife found an email that I wrote to him, she would constantly email me with threats also call on his secret cell phone (that he told her was mine) and leave these really ghetto crazy messages. The first d-day did not end our affair but it started to feel wrong to me. I think the way most ow rationalize the affair is that the wife is not “real” to us, we do not see her, we don’t hear her side of things, we are only fed what the husband tells us, which is nothing but to keep the affair going, they paint awful pictures of the wife and this makes us feel as if our presences is “saving” him from some sort of unhappy fate that he cannot get out of or change.
Anyway we went on and I suddenly saw an extreme urgency in him to always have sex(I think he knew the end was near), he even made a bet that I couldn’t have sex with him for two weeks straight no matter what, I foolishly took the bet and let this man continue to use and abuse my body, my self worth plummeting after one encounter and he failed to call me later as he always did. I felt used and dirty. I could sense something terrible about to happen and it did, the wife made direct contact. She is a stay at home mom with nothing but time on her hands, those people are most resourceful; she found my number and called me directly. After we insulted each other, me playing the role of the sexy vixen without a care, we cut through the b.s. and she said that she was a mother of THREE and was not giving up her husband. My lover and soul mate only told me that he was a father of TWO. I later learned that his third child was born a week before I got my abortion. I was devastated and as we spoke I knew I could never forgive him and that God was giving me a way out. I told her everything, and even sent her a couple of emails where he professed his love and said that besides his kids I greatest person to enter his life and how the abortion affected him as well.
The wife asked him if he loved me and he didn’t say anything, he just held the phone. I called him a coward and said “obviously he doesn’t” The wife thanked me and that was it, so I thought. Suddenly I started getting emails from the wife she had turned on me. I hadn’t made contact with the man after our last talk, yet my lover/soul mate told her I was showing up at his job throwing myself at him. He was a master manipulator and she fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, all for the sake of saving their doomed marriage. The harassment got so bad that I had to file a no contact order at the police after she showed up at my sister’s house with a car full of her thug girlfriends. Again I hadn’t made any contact with ex at all. The affair ended with exmm in July and the wife made contact this passed Dec. She used her mother’s facebook to respond to something I wrote in Oct. I feel so sorry for her because her husband truly doesn’t care about her at all, the fact that he constantly feeds her lies, plays on her damaged emotions which leads to reckless behavior that could have her in jail shows this. She is sleeping with the devil every night and doesn’t even see it, because all she wants is to save her marriage..
I am so filled with regret over the whole thing. These men are not men at all, they truly are heartless souls that use individuals to make their lives bearable, and even though the affair is over he is still using me to save him marriage. It’s a very icky situation and I’m thankful to be out of it. It was a powerful, painful lesson to learn. When you roll around with pigs you get dirty and pigs love dirt. My heart aches for the wives on this site who foolishly seem to believe that their precious husbands are victims to these seductive, Joan Collins-like women who want to snatch up their husbands and ruin their “happy” homes. I tell you wives, the reality of the situation is much different and the denial that most of you are living in, is very much like the denial that we the OW lived in when we are/were dealing with these “men
Veronica, Thank you for starting this hubpage. I'm a betrayed wife and I truly have an issue with the mistresses who seem to have no remorse for their actions. First, the blame lies with the husband!!! I understand the mistresses have true feelings and they hurt and it's so hard to let go and blah blah blah. I feel they are selfish because they speak how they hurt when he's away with their wives, they're lonely, they're in pain, it's so hard to walk away and yet they chose to walk into this lifestlye. A betrayed wife do not choose this lifestyle!!! I first tried to confront my husband's mistress coming from a very nice way because I UNDERSTAND men... let alone my husband. (He's immature, selfish, and never looks at his faults...he always reflect his responsiblities on someone else or me ALWAYS) I asked her to please stop having an affair with him and that she's just one of many! I told her she's young and pretty ( a lie but I was trying to build her up) and she shouldn't waste her time when she can find a single man who will not deny her. I told her how my whole family is hurting because he's mean towards me (verbal abuse, neglect my needs b/c as long as he getting it from her there's no need to work on his own relationship) and our kids. The kids are totally being neglected because instead of his father time with them it's with her. All the way around we the family are losing until he's loses interest in her. He's already stated she's back up and he has not intentions on having a future with her. Just so you know, I'm not a weak wife, I'm beautiful, educated and on demand for speaking engagements. I'm a minister. Every single one of his friends thinks he's a fool and have tried talking to me behind his back. I will leave him when the time is right and if God will allow me to leave. (we have five kids and I'm in my forties and I look as though I'm in my twenties) As of now, he's giving me grace to go through the situation and I do believe it's to help other's in the future. I say this to say...their lives are not bad at home or they aren't in a "unhappy marriage" they just have low self esteem and looking for the fall girl who will boost their egos. Lord, I try but I can't help it if I'm successful and he's intimidated. Now back to the mistress, I felt really bad for her and now I have no tolerance for her because I have asked her several times to leave our family alone. I don't believe she's in love with him as she thinks. I don't believe any of these women are in love like they think because why are they lowering their standards to be with a cheat they are not obligated to? He's chosed me over her when we came together (all three of us over the phone) and yet when he calls her behind my back she comes running like a submissive little puppy. He does it because she allows him to. He's selfish and as he told me she will give him fellatio (oral sex) and I won't. Why would I if he's having an affair? Duh? I wish they realize it's not real because evereything is an illusion. Their so called great affairs wouldn't be so great if they had to deal with real life issues that the wives have to deal with! These women are in love with the idea that the husband are great people but in reality cheating, lying, being selfish and the list goes on? Where's the greatness in that? These mistresses are not in love they are co-dependents and men can easily spot out low self-esteem women. Cheaters are good at this. All it takes is the mistress or FWB (Friends with Benefits) to give in that initial time and everything after that is a hard, long destructive trail for everyone except the husband. I've tried telling the mistress that every time she spends with my husband is every minute taking away from meeting her soul mate. She's wasting time she'll never get back....let alone the saying "YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW" She still ignores me and continue because it's a high to her! and she thinks she in love yet he denies her. If only these mistresses really knew the true intentions of MM. I feel mistresses should give themselve's a self examination and look at their character. Would they want to be the betrayed wife who didn't have a choice in this? Mistresses choose this path and betrayed wives don't. For the innocent ones who didn't know the man was married and find out later. END IT!!! Afterall, it was built on lies!!! The character of the MM is exposed right their in your face. The excuse..."it was too late, my feeling where in too deep" is not good because you now know the man you fell for isn't the man he said he is. Of course, he wants the feelings to be there!!! It's a set up so you won't walk away. It's called STRATEGY because it's about them and not about you!!!...not about the wife...not about the family....We are both lied to. As I have told and asked the mistress, I'm still in it because vows say for "better" or for "worse" what's your excuse other than being a thorn in the side to a covenant marriage. HUSBAND+WIFE+GOD I may have sounded harsh but I feel women need to stick together and not hurt one another. WOMAN TO WOMAN what woman wants to be hurt so why cause more pain to another woman. Believe it or not, I'm not against a mistress if they've been lied to and trying to break away when the truth is revealed. I don't have any respect for those who live the lifestyle and are okay with it. My husband mistress told me what she's doing in her time with my husband hurts no one. NO REMORSE!! Wow.
I'm not going to lie, I'm hurting because I see she's choosing to hurt me because she doesn't want to let go what she's started and is afraid to be alone. I've even suggested to her to read this hub. Mistress and my hubby met at work. I've printed out their emails and I can so easily get her fired as he has already left the job. Not because I want to be mean but because she's still pursuing him and messing with my livelihood. Yet, if I get on her level...she'll think twice. It shouldn't take all of that for her to understand her messing with other's lives. I won't be mean though.
I don't want to receive any bashing emails from mistresses because I'm not bashing in mistress from my viewpoint. I've done no name calling or said anything hateful. I know it's the men. A man is either a cheater or he's not. If we have a cheater in our lives, we (wives and mistresses) must deal with it in a healthy and wholesome way that heals us. Not hoping the man walks away from wife and family to fulfill selfish needs on the hope it will work out in the long wrong because it's not guaranteed it will. Afterall, marriage vows was supposed to gaurantee that and look where the wife is now. Just remember mistresses, where you and our husbands are in the affair we were once there and it was STRONG AND PASSIONATE enough to make him want us in a strong sense to marry us. I would like to have some positive support and encouragement from both. I don't need nothing negative because I'm already drained!!! This whole situation is draining to wives more so than mistresses because we didn't chose to be betrayed. Mistresses choose the lifestyle and/or have a choice and easy way out compared to us. Mistress can walk away with pain that heals in time and yet wives have to deal with the splitting of souls, children and therapy, property, family and friends are effected and the list goes on....
Healing, I'm sorry you are hurting, but my issue with wives in general is that you all have a tendency to place the blame solely on the o/w while giving the husband a free pass as if he were a little boy being led astray. Why can't you all realize that the husband lies to keep your marriage and they to keep the mistress. These men are fat greedy little LIARS and master manipulators.
@I am sorry Lee....
I don't know your story exactly but from what I can gather you are married to a woman who is pregnant and you have a mistress. No you cannot leave her while she is pregnant. What should you do?
Well first I am wondering how you got her pregnant if you have not been happy with her. If you are not happy with someone, you don't get them pregnant, you go to counseling, then you either do one of two things.....you get divorced or you stay together and THEN get pregnant.
Ok still....so now what? OK I'm sorry but this is bad...you cannot be "dating" someone while your wife is pregnant. Jeez. Please ...
- call this off with the mistress
- wait til your wife gives birth and then a little after
- tell her you are not happy with things and didn't want to tell her this whilst she was pregnant
- Go to counseling/figure out if you should still be married
- If so , fix the things that need fixing, work on the rest
- If not, get divorced and then date whomever you chose.
She has a right to chose whether she wants to be with YOU or not. That is the thing here. Woman have a right to chose...it's not Russia over here. Please give her a chance. Give her the respect to inform her of these things. You don't have to tell her details but just enough to where you all can decide what to do T O G E T H E R.
Only fair right?
-
Msllones, please re-read what I said. The blame is on the husband. The only issue I have is when the mistress is purpose targeting married men and choose it as a lifestlye. Throughout my passage I said it's the MM lying to both and women need to watch women's back. Not mistresses thinking they have the right to continue because they are being selfish and don't want to be alone. Please re-read my passage.
lynath: Marriage means monogamy - that's the whole point of getting married - in church the couple takes vows - in sickness, in health, richer, poorer, to be faithful til death period. If you think an affair is not destroying a marriage just because you don't know about it or want to know about it is false.
You said that "By knowing I had my nice safe happy world shattered" You were living in a fantasy, if discovering the affair crushed your world then you need to be honest with yourself and realize the man you married isn't the man you thought he was and that can be devastating, yet the sooner you are able to deal with reality the better.
I also don't understand what difference it makes whether the OW tells the wife out of spite or out of concern, in the end the facts remain the same - he was out screwing another women. The wife could have ended up with an STD that goes untreated and left infertile as a result - this happens often as STD's are not as obvious in women as men and women very often do not find out until it's too late - pelvic infection or inflammatory disease sets in.
Why was he out screwing around? Obviously he's a selfish asshole who does not respect you or you're blaming yourself. If you are the forgiving type then it's good that you know so the two of you can work on the marriage and he will have to eat humble pie for a very long time to gain back your trust and respect - you will be in control - perhaps for the first time. I don't see how living a lie does anyone any good. Sooner or later a person will end up with a serious mental illness or at the very least mild to moderate depression from pretending a relationship, actually ones life and that of their children, is something it clearly is not and can never be made right unless the affair is acknowledged by both parties and they both decide to either fix it or divorce.
Just last week there was a story in Mail-online about a couple who divorced after 77 years of marriage (no children) because the man found out about an affair his wife had 40 years earlier. He would have left her 40 years ago if he'd known. She cheated him out of 40 years for her own selfish purposes-she robbed him of his choice - his free will - his right to leave after she broke the vows and lied to herself and him all those years. It was not her right to decide for him that she was worth it. She had kept the OM's love letters to her and he found them. You were going to find out sooner or later, better sooner.
Many women ignore blatant evidence that their husband is having an affair for whatever reason and then act shocked when they leave them for another women. If men can get away with serial affairs and the lying that goes with it, they will, as a matter of fact it gets easier with each affair. The husbands respect for their wives and treatment of them will continue to decline as they continue to get away with it - do you respect ppl you can walk all over - lie to constantly and cheat?
Every women has the right to know as soon as possible. Truth is truth and a lie is a lie.
I am so sorry Lee: Most depressions, including serious ones, only last for 5 years with or without treatment.So I would not say that your wife will never change as that is simply not true. She just might be depressed because she senses you don't really love her and it sounds like you never did, but she was available to screw at the time so what the hell - nothing wrong with leading a women on and getting her pregnant twice right. Marriage is serious business - that's why vows are exchange. If you knew you weren't going to honor those vows then why bother unless of course you knew you could get laid whenever you wanted and if the marriage didn't work out you could always get laid on the side too. Now that's commitment and really mature.
You stated she knew about the affair before you got married - why then are you concerned about telling her? If she's as depressed as you say she is, it's not doing the baby any good anyhow - the babies health is already compromised in the way of stress through depression.
If you tell her now, she just may snap out of her depression, get angry, and do what is right for her and the kids as she should. You are making it sound as though you were forced to marry her - was there a shotgun involved? I didn't think so. You married her then committed adultery - no matter which way you look at it your in the wrong - you also said she's had depression for 3 years so she must have had it before you married her, so you knew what you were getting. Be honest with yourself - it was a cowardly act not to be a man and stand up to being forced to marry her. Now you need to quit being a coward and make a decision like a man - time to grow up.
I want to be very clear. I'm not against mistresses who made a mistake and are trying to do the right thing. I don't like mistresses who targets MM and make it a lifestyle. With that in mind...I STILL BLAME THE HUSBAND!!! He's at fault! He's the one who made the vow. If you read my earlier post I showed compassion towards the mistress (at first).
What I didn't tell you is why I showed her compassion at first. My husband is a master manipulator and that how he got me. Although when I met him and the divorce was in the works and she was no where in the picture it was still WRONG until the divorce was finalized. I wasn't around when any of this happened. However, I was an adulterer because I was not married to him yet I was sleeping with him. (no ex-wife in the picture at all)...It's still wrong. He manipulated me and now I'm receiving the same treatment 19 years later. Once a cheater always a cheater. When I spoke to his ex-wife she told me he was a cheater and she was too so she didn't care. It doesn't matter...the signs were there and I slept with him before i got married. I reaped what I sowed and I didn't intervene in the marriage at all!. Nonetheless, he was a married man in God's eyes and I knew better. That's why I tried to warn the mistress but she wouldn't listen. I just hate to see women get hurt by selfish MM.
Healingcoming2me: What you stated is 100% true. The wives are not choosing this, but if a women knows the man is married then she is choosing it - there is no way around this truth. Yes these men have no character and yes they do look for women whom they believe they can manipulate to commits adultery with, but that does not excuse the women - she simply wants to believe what the man is telling her about his 'dreadful' wife.
Guaranteed the women who is having an affair with your husband will regret it. Have you considered kicking him out? He is probably counting on your Christian faith and using it to manipulate you. As long as he can continue to have both of you he will. A separation may just be the wake up call he needs. If he's still seeing her then he HAS chosen her despite his saying that he chooses you. Look at the fruit - the actions. His word is utterly worthless - a cheater lies - all the time, to both women.
You have tried to talk with the OW respectfully and that has obviously not worked, so you now need to make your husband accountable, the only way to do that is to show him the door. I know strong Christian women whose husbands have had affairs that resulted in separation, some repaired their marriages others did not. Adultery is not much different than an addiction, often a sex addiction is at the root of the problem. Allowing him to continue with both of you is enabling him - there is no reason for him to stop - none. He is probably enjoying the two of you fighting over him.
So his excuse is that you don't give him oral sex, so he's blaming you. Cause we all know that a man will die without getting oral sex - right? Since when is oral sex a God given right for men? After he gets the oral sex, he'll probably want to go in the back door and guilt you into sodomy too. Many men like the idea of a women getting down on her knees like a dog - they feel powerful when they demean women; especially those who are not comfortable performing fellatio. God is the only one you should be getting down on your knees for. Does he have a problem with porn? Is he on the computer longer than necessary and often? Does he close windows or switch screens when you come into the room? Can he access porn on his cell phone? Are there charges for phone numbers you don't recognize on your phone bill? Some 1-800 or 1-900 numbers are for sex hot lines - you should not be getting charged for toll free numbers.
Is he a believer or are you unequally yoked? Of course, he'll want to remain with you if you allow him to go on having adulterous affairs. I know the scripture about if unequally yoked and the man wants to stay then give it a go and perhaps he will convert, yet remember that was Apostle Paul speaking and it was a recommendation not a command and was not in the contest of adultery - just unequally yoked.
Pray about it, but sometimes we need to act and your well within your Biblical rights to ask him to leave - then let God take care of the rest. My prayers go out to you. God Bless you richly and I'm glad to here you've been given the grace thus far, but it can not go on indefinitely because by him sleeping with other women he is causing you to commit adultery - make sure you go get yourself tested for STD's - don't delay - there are private clinics where you can remain anonymous.
@Healingcoming2me
Listen....all this talk about you reaping what you sew etc etc....come on..please forget all that nonsensical archaic talk ok?
It really is very simple ok?
If you really want HEALING to "come to you" then kick that lying sack of worthless shit out and bring the healing on already.
If you believe more in all this "reaping and sewing" business then think of it this way...
SEW the seed of kicking this dipshit to the curb and REAP the benefit of having a life without a cancerous growth on your side. Capish?
@stolenlives....hope you had a good holiday friend. Ty for the compliment...and.....
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT TO LEEIAMSOSORRY!!!!!!
EXCELLENT POINTS!!
Yes let us think??? why oh why would this wife of yours be depressed!??!!?!?!?!? HELLLLO?!???!
Anyone ever think that it may be the philandering husbands!!??!?!
Come on man....Ay Carrumba!! Don't go out and screw other women and expect to come home to Donna Reed!!!! Something is askew and women sense it!!!
Also, so what? She is depressed!??!?!
So does this mean that you "MEANT" to say , in your vows, yes I will love you til death do us part UNLESS you are depressed!!!!.....were your fingers crossed behind your back!??!?!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Lynath: What is your problem? It is you who is in fantasy land ! For some reason you just can't get into your head that some people do fall out of love and are mature enough to talk openly about it and move on. If a couple have been through a challenge in their marriage over several years and exhaust all measures to resolve it and the only anwer is to divorce because neither is happy in that marriage and tried to resove it, well I see no reason not to move on. By the way, me and my lady are not having sex. So no adultery is commited. We just have a friendship that we built on while going through my divorce. Mind you, this has been going on over 4 years now. So I just chose to propose sooner than later. By the way, my lady accepted under the agreement that she won't wear the ring until the divorce is final. Which is fine with me. I just thought it would be nice to do it at this time rather than wait. What I don't get is your resentment and behavoir. If people are out of love and know it, why stay married? If all has been tried and failed why stay? If a person can have a better life with someone else, and all cards are on the table so all know. What is your problem? It sounds to me like you are in fantasy land where people should be unhappy and stay that way because they are married. You have a lot of nerve posting your opinion and that is all that it is. Just your opinion of what should and should not be in your fantasy land. How dare you come on to this site with your holier than thou opinion and cast your thought as to what you think. Who cares what you think? I have been very open and honest here, you just don't seem to get that. So get this, accept the truth ! The only opinion I care about is God's and if he thinks this is wrong he will end it. So far that has not happened. So why don't you take a nice sedative and cool your fantasy land head down. You act like a jerk who knows nothing of the truth, just your own opinion of what is right or wrong. If you are not a politician you should try it you would be good at it. Your good at giving opinions with out knowing truth's. You make decisions based on assumptions. Now go take your sedative !
Dear Phaidrah: What do you mean by why am I on this blog?
err, yes ,okay then Ricky. But before I get to the sedative I must point out that I only responded to you because you asked for opinions on a public blog, and one a couple of days ago you addressed to me personally concluding with quote "I'd like your response. sincerely Ricky" So are you now telling me you weren't sincere?
FYI I have for some time been able to separate the concept of marriages which end by mutual consent for any reason and have no moral or any other problem with that. Although it is still sad.
My concern is marriages that end because of affairs and the destruction that causes and so Itake opportunities to point out that affairs are not wonderfully romantic.Sort of volunteer work for victims.....
Infidelity is not just physical it is also defined by emotional attachment, and in fact that kind is more damaging than physical alone. I do not believe that you would be engaged to someone second time around and not had sex. Either way you were emotionally attached to a woman when you were supposedly working on the marriage.
Your anger directed at me the person shining a spotlight on you and your honesty and openness is very telling. Why would you have any interest in spending so much time on a hub about affairs with married men if you truly believe you are not in one?
You like many others including lee I am so sorry can't handle the truth when it is pointed out to you and react angrily. Lee rants above about what he perceives as
" being looked down on" and continues to try to justify by blaming those who have not cheated. It is common for cheaters to never accept responsibility for anything and they certainly can't accept the aftermath they have brought on themselves. Hence the anger. As somebody pointed out above the fact that his wife is 14 weeks pregnant belies the terrible marriage spin doesn't it?
Well good luck now that you have commenced the new relationship under the heading of secrecy and not quite right.
and ps I make decisions based on assumptions and need a sedative? Well what do you suggest for yourself a married man who has proposed based solely on the big assumption that he will be divorced in three months time....
yes stolen lives I undestand what you are saying and elsewhere I have written about what is lost from a marriage where a third party intruder is involved and undermining and attacking a marriage. The hard part to come to terms with is the very person who would expect would protect you from harm is the person who is willing participating in the attack - the cheating spouse.
Are you saying that discovering an affair is not life shattering? Of course the man I married was not who I thought he was. However in hindsight the circumstances in our lives leading up to and contributing to the affair are all very clear.
My thinking has changed over the years and now I am at a more philosophical stage where nothing is so black and white as it once was and I am open to more ideas and solutions.
Life is short and my point about not wanting to know comes from this basis, as well as studies in human behaviour especially men.
As I view it now I could have remained oblivious to the affair and content and happy in my own way and world or (as it turned out)been made aware and thrown into years of turmoil pain grief and misery. Given the short time we have here on Earth what was the best use of my time?
The answer should be 'not knowing' .
So although women have a right to know and have the choice ,is that going to always help them to live happier lives? Each circumstance is going to be different so there is no right answer to fit everyone.
To clarify I am talking about cases where wives have no idea, not where they know but choose to ignore it and accept bad treatment.
Affairs are nearly always related to some difficulty within the marriage although I stress there is never justification.
When I say that the answer for me should have been "not knowing" I must also say that the years since 'finding out' have been some of the most amazing years of my life that I would not have otherwise experienced.
I am still not sure though if I could wave a wand which life I would choose for myself.
@Ricky
Ricky I mean exactly what Lyneth means....you seem to act as though you are squeaky clean here, but 4 years? Exactly. So you were working on your marriage WHILST you were having an emotional affair. um....
Also agreed that if everything were as rosie as you described then why are you on THIS particular HUB if not to get validation for something that you KNOW is completely sketchy????
And what does Lyneth mean by fantasy I wonder?
Well, here you are...you asking opinions on this board of what to BUY this "lady friend" of yours? Talk of proposal etc while you are still married to another woman???
Um....can you REALLY not see that that is in bad taste? Seriously? Do you not know that it would not matter one way or the other the stance your wife takes???? IT IS IN VERY BAD TASTE AND IS VERY POOR FORM TO DO SUCH A THING REGARDLESS OF EVEN WHO WANTED A DIVORCE!! It's ridiculous and shows enormous lack of character on your part.
P.S. - The fact that your MISTRESS does not want to wear a ring until you are divorced means nothing. Absolutely nothing. She is acting as though she has some kind of class and standards when in reality this is superficial crap and a last minute play to look like she has some control over this. Total BS. The fact that she hasn't had sex with you means nothing either. She had been around for 4 years and has been involved in a full blown emotional affair...so what is a piece of metal? This makes her innocent? No no
She has been walking like a duck and she has been talking like a duck......she's a duck honey. Quack quack.
So yes this is all fantasy.
Working on your marriage is not WORKING on it when you are having an affair.
Planning to marry someone else while you are in the process of getting divorced is lacking integrity completely.
Making meaningless gestures to not wear jewelry to signify that you have dignity AFTER you have stolen someone else's man does not actually make what you are doing dignified.
All this behaviour is ingeniune. It boils down to one thing.
You cheated.
lynath: Being informed of a spouses affair when one has no clue is devastating. I forget who said this, but it's true - divorce is more like an amputation than a death.
More oft than not, divorce is harder on the women especially when young children are involved and the wife has stayed home to care for them which is WORK, hard WORK. Her life is seriously disrupted plus she is left to deal with the emotional fallout her children inevitably experience. When one has no clue an affair is happening and one is happy and secure only to discover this they have been deceived is earth shattering shocking. The healing takes longer because the grief was foisted upon them w/o any warning. I can certainly understand why one would want to go back to a time when they were safe, secure and happy. Change is very very difficult under these circumstances. Affairs are ugly, exceedingly painful betrayals. I'm glad to hear that you are moving through the stages of grief, the loss of a dream is a horrible grief. I hope that you are able to completely heal and I'm glad to hear you've had some amazing experiences in the meantime and that's exactly what going through a divorce and the aftermath is - a meantime. It's impossible to know whether you'd have been better off not knowing - your story is still being written. I do firmly believe that in the end, knowing the truth is preferable to living a lie.
I don't know why Ricky is attacking you and I don't believe him either when he says he has not had sexual relations with the OW. Secrecy was involved. I'm glad his wife said good riddens, let's be done with it. It is odd that Ricky is posting about his OW - what is his point? What is his message? Is it, hey you mistresses complaining about all the pain involved with being in a relationship with a MM as sometimes the man will leave his wife for you, but the trick is just don't sleep with the MM until he's divorced? Be friends and have an emotional affair first. And don't worry, the MM's wife will be OK with it because the only reason a MM has an affair is because he's no longer in love with his wife, so don't lose faith in your MM and don't break it off - seriously, I just don't get it.
Like Phadriah said in respect to Ricky- God this is weird.
Anyway - I hope you find great joy and peace and your children also in the very near future.
Dear Phaidrah: Stop with your superficial horse crap ! If you paid any attention to what I said, you would have known the truth from the beginning. You are so on a witch hunt here that you lost your mind in all this. My relationship with my wife has been out of balance for 12 years. I met this person 4 years ago. I was already in my marital problem and we had seen all the therapists. So please get off your high horse ! You know nothing of facts. You jumped the gun on a whim and you look and sound like a big fool on this site. My purpose on this site is to share that not all men are bad. Sometimes it just so happens that some people can control themselves. Especially when it comes to sex ! By the way, you are not the only nut on here. You have company ! It seems to me that none of you nuts can accept the fact that some people do in fact tell the truth. As well as work together to get past it. You nuts on here think men are all crumbs, well we are not we have feelings too. The only difference is, we speak from intelligence. Not emotional jargon ! I believe the goal on here is to help people. You do not do that, I do ! You like to destroy people not help them. You are on a mission of let's bury these guys on here. Let me tell you here and now you are not helping people here. You are here to bash people and you want to be glorified for it. If you want better relationships with people you better learn that all people are different. Not everybody fits your branding of what you think as your opinion. Hear people out fully, gain understanding then help not destroy ! Do you get that now !!!! I hope this stops the foolishness ! Sincerely, Ricky
Healing, I apologize. It was my error.
reading post from RATIONAL wives such as yourself really helps in understanding the full impact of adultery. Its so easy for the OW to fall in the trap of thinking that she has "lost", but reading the heartbreak and struggle that the wives endure putting their lives back together shows that in the end, no one really wins anything. It's all just sad...
Healing I have something that I want to say to you. I do not think you "sowed" anything. You are human and God loves you no matter what, you made a mistake and wound up with a man who was not worthy. It was all to teach you a lesson, not to punish you. What I learned about getting burned by my exmm and my own poor judgement is that I was thinking to small for what God has in store for me. Anytime you settle for anyone who is not capable of giving you their all you are settling and God has a wonderful plan for all our lives so why would he want us settling for some idiots scraps? If you are the wife of a cheater or the mistress of a cheater you are settling because you cannot have this person 100 percent to treat you the way you should be treated. I just wished I would have learned this sooner and started to trust in God's plan for my life.
Healing you are human, and you made mistakes just like everyone else in the world.
Ricky I am glad you are here to show us that not all men are bad.
We don't think that all men are bad...just the ones who have extra-marital affairs.
And I am not on a witch hunt at all...I'm just not validating your behaviour.
Ricky i feel sorry for you one day you will look behind only to see the devastation and hurt you have left behind. I feel that you are looking for validation in this hub but you will get any. It is very selfish of you to get involved in an affair while you are still Married regardless of the state of the Marriage. It is a well known fact that a Marriage CAN'T be salvalged if one is still involved in an affair..no wonder you are telling us you've done everything. please dont speak on behalf of your wife because what she is going through right now is hell because of your decisions. I know that because i have gone through a similar situation. Fortunately my Marriage is now stable, my husband came back to his senses and blugged back in, he is now committed to us more than ever before. My heartfelt prayers go to your wife she certainly deserves better may God protect her, strenghthen her and provide for her. Only God can heal such a broken hurt. An affair feels like death only that you relieve the nighmares every single minute, its pure cruelty and narcistic behaviour. Ricky you still have a chance to change your mind i believe there is still hope for that Marriage..there is no Marriage that cant be resurrected as dead as it may look..if mine was saved yours can be saved.
100% true ..great hub...all the above siad it every which way LOL!!!
Mike :0)
Yep!
Thank you Mrs. Pondering.....and here is the thing...IF your marriage cannot be salvaged then you get a divorce first, then you ask someone else to marry you...lol...not the other way around...all that is is about greed...lol...omg I am just beside myself that that even needs to be said.
And yes Ricky...funny that you think "I" am out to destroy people yet YOU are the one who is one here talking about asking someone that you have been having an affair with to marry you WHILE you are still married to another woman.
Not sure how that is "helping" us as you say but whatever. It's all ridiculous.
There are many forums for (you) men who are divorced...wait.....oops...forgot....you're not divorced are you?
Dear Friends:
Thanks for all the kind words, especially toward my wife. I don't need nor am I asking for any validation.
My affair is in friendship with a woman I love. We are all happy in our decisions and moving on in our lives.
There is no sex going on and I am awaiting my divorce. My wife asked for the divorce and I am fine with it. If God wanted it to work out, don't you think after 12 years it would have worked out? It did'nt ! So let's get back to reality. I know I am a good man who does his best, I never said I was a saint. I am a sinner just like all of you on here. The only difference is I live in reality not fantasy. So I appreciate all the stuff here but it's time to help others who need and want help.
You are not my judge God is and I will let him lead me. Nothing happens by accident, God has a plan and whatever it is I will go with that plan. If he wants me and my wife back together he will do it. So far that has not happened. My wife and I are in total agreement on this and so is the woman I am having a friendship with. Let's move on to the next case people. I am sure there is at least one person on here with a bigger problem than mine.
Love You All , Ricky
Hi Ricky and everyone here. Wow more lives being ruined by selfish married men.
Ricky I'm so glad that things went well for you with your lady and that she accepted your proposal, i'm not sure how it works where you guys live but here in New Zealand you have to be seperated for 2 years before you can get a divorce so waiting until the divorce is final is a pretty big ask i reckon.
Things are going well for me with Greg tho i found it really hard over new years and was thinking about MM constantly. I really want to contact him but i haven't. New years was supposed to be a really special time for us and we had talked about being together and how it would be our 1st new years together....hence why it was so hard for me.
I hope everyone is healing and that things are sorting themselves out for yu all. Be strong!
I bet all the angry and nasty replies were written by a wifes! They call another woman a WHORE and an ASS. But in reality the other woman has as much rights to be loved as the wife. If the wife was the first doesn't mean she owns the man! Many women get married and start giving birth to babies year after year without even asking their husbands opinions. And then they sit home to raise the kids and husbands work like a slaves to support the family. Many women, after they got married, relax and feel that they're done their work and now by having as many kids as possible they have their man by the balls and there is nothing else they should do to keep him happy. And many man stay in the family and support their kids and the wife they no longer love just because they are real MEN. But they CAN fall in love again! And if a wife doesn't keep her man happy and satisfied in bad, whos fault is it that he finds another woman to love? And I think women shouldn't treat their husbands like a property they own. It's possible for any human to love two people at the same time sometimes. I'm in love with a married man who has 3 kids, and I respect him very much for that he stays in his family and supports them. But when he comes to me he is so hungry for love, caring, communication, understanding and much more...because he never gets it at home. I feel that he loves me deeply, and he proofs it to me many times in many different ways...And I like to be a mistress. I don't need to be married, or have a commitment... I just like our relationship to be natural, not just because we HAVE TO! We're together because we love each other and enjoy each other company. Not because I have his kids and now he must be with me, and he can't ever ever look at another woman! This is wrong! Women get REAL!
(Continuation)- after putting my children in their carseats I drive around & to my surprise we(me & the kids) see him getting into a females car. Same OW that I confronted & claimed to have nothing with my husband. Of course I'm devastated & in complete shock. I can't believe my eyes some how I wanted to believe that I was just having a nightmare. I call him & all he was in complete denial. “ your crazy she just so happen to come by & drop off gift for our children. After denial for months & kicked out of our home he begs & begs to come back home, bcs all he wants is his wife & kids. He asked for me to call the OW to confirm that I am wrong. I call her once more, I make it clear to her that I no longer want anything to do with. To please keep him away from me, she can keep him & I wish them well. I also didn't forget to mention how he begs to come back on bended knees & tears. She again denies having anything to do with him. Funny thing that after doing my own investigation I discover bank statements with multiple charges for female clothing, sunglasses, sephora, dinners, bath & bodies. Stuff I never received. He never man up to anything but continue to lie after lie & beg for a second chance. I finally got to the point of feeling hate for him. But my babies cry for their father & beg me for their father to come back home. Teachers have notice a change on their behavior & grades. I do see how my babies have been affected. They r too young to understand what's going on & fear that they might blame & hate me for it. As they do witness their father begging me for forgiveness, a second chance & attend marriage counseling.
Almost forgot to mention I found out this OW is from Guatemala & has an order for deportation..,
lol@Anne
Anne, we are not wives, we are women who have been suckered by married men....lolol...you just haven't gotten to that point but you will.
Right now you sound like you are in what I like to call the "Koolaid" phase....
Yep...you think that you have respect for him, that he loves you and that his wife is a troll...lol
You will find out differently very soon I'm afraid.
annechkaone, are you serious?
No one has a 'right' to be loved. Loved is an emotion caused by a chemical reaction in addition to shared experiences which bond. All people hopefully have opportunity to experience love in their lifetime.
Spouses- husbands and wives - are people who have made a commitment via a legal and perhaps religious convenant to remain faithful in a contractual partnership for life.
Putting aside all the emotional feelings spouses certainly do have a right over their partners. That is why marriage is a serious undertaking. It is not a matter of ownership but a matter of a legal binding contract to be protected and respected and adhered to like any other.
Marriage is traditionally a safe place for women to give birth to the next generation(who will be paying your costs at some stage in the future via taxes) because it supposedly provides support and protection to do so.
How dare you talk about married women carrying out the natural life cycle in this way? Do you think the man in the picture was not party to the sex in order for the pregnancy to occur? Why didn't he take responsibility for contraception if he was so concerned? And if you have never had children or raised any then you would not understand that doing so is a extremely hard job with no holidays or time off.
The paid working partner also gets many benefits and pleasure in life as a result of the children. Many women work outside the home during this time doing unpaid work in schools and comunity or there are plenty who do work in paid employment as well as all the rest at home
What does happen is that many men become jealous spoilt and immature, over less attention than before when the children are young or at various times such as teenagers. Instead of supporting their wives emotionally and physically they often just step up pressure and demands on her time. It is these times when the marriage is in danger from opportunists like you, and this is the for worse part.If men didn't then feel justified in finding a woman to inflate their ego and have sex with and instead put in the effort at home then divorces wouldn't happen.
Can you explain why you think it is okay for a man to run out on a contract when his wife has no choice but to stay and raise the children? Real men do NOT do this.
Many men actually view their marriage and children as a pleasure not a burden forced on them.
Your statement that you like to be a mistress and have no responsibility is the most truthful thing you have said. You imply that this mans wife is taking from her husband as though he owns all their property money etc, so how do you view what you are doing? You are taking time money and commitment from an binding partnership none of which belongs to you.
I believe you would be open to being sued for damages.
so he 'proves it you many times and many different ways"...oh I just bet he does...
So Ricky your wife asked for the divorce and you are fine with it? Thank goodness for that, considering the circumstances that she has ruined your engagement.
If your marriage was so bad why didn't you end it years ago. It is common knowledge that men rarely end relationships unless they have something comfortable lined up to go to. That is another reason affairs are so sickening. Men just walk away and have another woman 'caring for them' while the wives are left struggling to survive with the children on their own.
As for God. I no longer attend any organise religion. However I do follow the basic ten rules for living a good life and so far have managed to stick to them. You on the other hand feel you can tell the world about your beliefs , while not adhering to the basics of what you supposedly believe in, and hiding behind religion and even offloading responsibility for your actions onto "God" by telling us that you can do what you like and will be either forgiven or have the right way miraculously pointed out to you by 'him'
If there is a God and he had a plan it was very likely the ten commandments, and you didn't go with that one so I can't see you going with any updated version.
I am glad you are getting a divorce it is way overdue.
mybabies1stalways: one can not fix something that the other person refuses to acknowledge is occurring - he continues to lie, despite being caught. This man child will not ever change. Do not have discussions with him when your children are present, they should not be involved in adult discussions. He WILL continue the behavior if you allow him back. As for your children, it's actually better to leave when they are younger. I am guessing your husband will attempt to get out of attending marriage counseling, demand he attend counseling with you before you even consider allowing him back in the home. Your children can still see their father, they just won't be living with him. Your husband sounds like an exceedingly cruel, selfish and dishonest person - do you really want to be hitched to that for the rest of your life? Your kids are young and it's natural for them not to understand - your husband will lie to them anyway and try to make it look like your fault no matter what so you're not losing anything there that you wouldn't have to deal with anyway. He's immoral and does not want to suffer the consequences of his immorality and betrayal of not only you, but your children also. His tears are because he got caught and he can not hide who he really is and what he is and has done any longer.
annechkaone: Your naivete and gullibility is astounding. You do realize it takes two to make a baby don't you? You do realize that vows stating one will remain faithful to ones partner are part of the marriage ceremony and contract right? Can you grasp the concept that if a man is capable of cheating, he is also capable of lying? Has it not dawned on you that if he is not happy in his marriage, he could attempt to resolve any issues with his wife first through counseling?
I am wondering what has happened in your life to make you such a covetous person. Are you jealous of a friend, sister or cousin? Are you not able to attract single men? Your idea that a women is to live for the sole purpose of making her man happy, under the threat of him seeking out sex with someone else, is simply ridiculous. If anyone is a slave in the relationship, it's the wife; especially if she is a stay at home mom. Stay at home moms consider going to work full time a holiday - a break, a chance to be with adults and not be wiping noses, butts, and soothing tears all day except they still end up doing the laundry, preparing meals and cleaning and after all that they're expected to put on a burlesque show every night and play the whore for their husbands!
You have absolutely no grasp of reality. I suspect you are in for a very rude awakening when you find out that all this man is interested in is your vagina. BTW - I have a couple of acres of land for sale on the moon, you sound like just the type of buyer I've been looking for. You're proof positive that there is one born every minute.
Dear Lynath: I did'nt end my marriage because I was hoping my wife would change. I thought that maybe it was some temporary thing she was going through at that time. Then we went for counseling and that is where she just felt nothing. My wife was just not happy. My mistake was letting it go on for years. I did not want a divorce. So I buried myself in my work and waited for her to decide on what to do. My daughter is older so it's not a small child who does not understand what is going on. Of course she wants us to stay together. I am also not forming a religious plot here. I am just saying I believe in God and he will deal with me and my life. Life can be tough sometimes and even with seeking counsel there are no easy answers. Falling in love with another was not planned. I don't claim to be better than anyone else or above God. I just am dealing with what is happening as it unfolds. I do not want sympathy either. I am just saying whatever is going to happen will for whatever reason. Sincerely, Ricky
Imsostupid : How are you? So good to see you back on here again. Thanks for your kind words and I am glad all is going good with you. Divorces around here don't take long when the people involved are civil and friendly as well as understanding and amicable. My lady friend has it tough and so does my wife and so do I. But we are dealing with it as time marches on. As you can see here, the natives have been a little wrestless. I don't know if you had a chance to catch up on what's been happening here, but it's been wild to say the least. I learned to keep it all in perspective and let people have their say. I believe the only way to help people is to be real and honest. I hope we are all doing a good job on that. If you have anything to share let me know. It is wonderful to have you on here and your kindness shows. Thank you so much and I look forward to speaking to you soon. Sincerely, Ricky
Phaidrah, you ain't never lied!LOL
Anne just wait until the affair is exposed and hubby is forced to make a decision. His pockets will always come first and its always cheaper to keep her. You will be dropped like a hot potato. Despite having a no contact order on both exmm and his delusional wife she still continues to harass me, and I'm sure hubby is diligently throwing me under the bus every chance he gets to keep the heat off him.
Phairdah and I will keep a nice spot warm for you when you enter our clubhouse, called REALITY.
Delusional bulls###. Oh poor wifey. Yep whateva. I can't believe the number of women that think that their men aren't having affairs. If you aren't in it 100% why would your man be? All the psychological bs in the world isn't going to make me feel bad, not my job to protect little wifeys whiney ass.
@lynath.....You're 100% accurate in what you say!!!!!
right or wrong Ricky, you are honest and I respect you for that. Best of luck to you.
Gracieunpress - lol - like your MM is in it 100% with you - laughing hard. Bottom line - your cheaper. The MM is getting his wife, kids, mistress, and keeping the joint assets. Your not even getting 10% - he can walk away anytime from you with no consequences whatsoever and he will, there are lots of women willing to be lied too. Mind you, if your a female sociopath, which it sounds like you are, or at the very least a narcissist w/o empathy, you won't ever be able to love someone anyway - use them yes, love them no way. If 10% is all you want for your 100% contribution then I don't feel sorry for you in the least, so quit whining your ass off about the wives - sheesh.
ricky09178 - I can not respect someone who lies and you've lied to everyone on this hub. You may be able to manipulate others, but I will not succumb to manipulation, attempts at charm, or flattery period.
Your very words: "I am not a cheater even though I am married. My unhappy wife said she would understand if I had an affair cause we have not had sex in years. The woman I am in love with also stopped having sex with me for 2 years now. I am about to get my divorce and the girl I truly love will only see me in frienship not intamately."
How you can state that you were not cheating is denial, pure denial - you were married while having sex for two years with someone else and your wife did not know about it - that is cheating. I'm curious as to what you're definition of cheating is -do you think that because you had previous opportunities to cheat and didn't somehow makes sleeping with this women different - are you seriously using the "virgin" cheater defense - lol. It's clear you think you're special and somehow not like other guys - well, I've got news for ya - you are like every other cheating man and no you're not special.
To quote you: "me being the only guy on here. Here is what I believe to be true. We are just people, Women want love men want sex. In my case, my lady says I'm an alien because I want love, a relationship and sex as well as being a man who loves to do his thing in the world in terms of growth and contribution. She gets a kick out of how open I am. Our little joke is I am half man and half woman, Ha!"
You stated you and your OW did not have sex. BS, you said yourself you were but she only cut you off sex because you were taking too long to get the divorce. You even stated that you are 51 but feel like your 20 and that you have a strong sexual appetite whereas your wife didn't want to have sex because of her "menopausal" issues.
Your words: "You see I am a married white man who fell in love with a black single woman four years ago. My wife and I have been talking of divorce for years. She was just not happy and would say after our daughter goes to college I want out. So my daughter went to college then disaster struck. We got hit hard financially, hence it postponed the divorce. Meanwhile all this time I am in love with this woman of four years and our relationship became up and down because of my delay in my divorce. Now I am finally moving forward with the divorce we found the legal channel we want to use and get it done. The only problem now is the woman I'm in love with of 4 years has said she just wants to be friends and when my divorce goes through then will see at that point about moving forward..."
At least your OW is smart. Also your so called planned romantic proposal on a yacht New Years eve while you're still married is more than likely a counter strategy to see if she will give you sex again that she has been withholding so you can get the power back in the relationship as she has it as long as she is withholding the sex that she knows you want and it's so far been working - she's forced you to choose by knowing your weakness in that area and the fact your afraid she could easily find someone else who does not have all the baggage you have. And as you said about your sexuality " You see my wife went through some early menopausal issues and did not want sex. She was not sexual at all or a romantic. I am." At the time you posted these words - 3 months ago - you said your wife did not know you had been sleeping with this women only that she knew of your friendship with this other women. Has that changed? Does your wife know you were sleeping - having sex- with this women for two years while you were married and does she know that you have asked this women to marry you? BTW - I'm curious as to what your wife's menopausal issues were - women are at there sexual height right before and during menopause - KY jelly solves any lube problems, there is no worries about pregnancy and spontaneity is high with kid's having left the nest in most cases, plus they have a higher need to be wanted sexually.
Also, you're not the only guy on this hub - several have posted.
rocky09178 - Did you move out of your home - separate living quarters as most ppl who are divorcing do? You said your daughter is in college - are you still living in the same home as your wife?
In most countries, states, provinces a divorce is not granted unless a couple has been living apart - separate residences - for at least a year. There are special provisions in divorces for adultery and cruelty that often result in the person who committed the adultery or cruelty paying more in alimony and a greater portion of the assets going to them as well.
So if you're such a good guy as you claim to be - have you told the wife about the adultery - and it was adultery - with the OW and are you willing to giver an extra share of the assets as a result or are you still hiding the truth from her?
@Mslioness!! lolololol DAMN STRAIGHT! "Cheaper ta keep her"!!!! Ohhh me so so true!!
Anyway, they are usually done with the mistress anyway by the time it all hits the fan so ...whatever it's all a wash in the end....
You know who Anne sounds like to me? A "kept" woman...yep, she has one of those old ugly ones that gives her some "support" in order to keep her adoring him....so she needs to justify what she is doing....ewwwww....all I can say Anne is beware of those types....they "carry" all kinds of stuff...make sure you have some antibiotics on hand...:)
@Stolen....yes Ricky is a liar and a manipulator and a cheater....he has lied and contradicted himself MANY times in this hub and has been called on it by many.
In other words....he's a troll....it's best not to feed them but it's hard to not call the guy on his outrageous lies while he is eerily addicted to this hub...yikes....
Stolen you got his number there chica!! lol....
Yep...Ricky Ricky Ricky...you can go on for days about how your wife doesn't want sex, how she is in menopause...blah blah blah...it's all the same ole' song n' dance...why don't they realize that this is the same thing that everyone says...omg it makes no sense that no one comes up with something new!!!!!!!!!!!
And something tells me that Ricky is still living at home...hmm..if I were Mrs Ricky I would get out of there faster than greased lightnin' !
I honestly have lurked these forums for awhile now since being a victim of a cheating wife and I felt compelled to write just now because of the dangerous advice being spouted here by hurt individuals. My wife cheated and she begged for another chance and after eight years of work I can honestly say I LOVE HER again and trust her. Had I come on these forums 8 years ago I would have felt differently about giving her any chances at all. Most posters here feel there is absolutely NO reason to stay with a cheating spouse. No way to repair a relationship.you are flatly WRONG.
I read "your husband/wife PROBABLY thinks this or PROBABLY thinks that" with no proof other than your own anger. You, ladies and gentlemen are dangerous people spouting hate and anger at cheated-on husbands and wives who are impressionable and vulnerable to your words. You know so little of the story but I can tell you that a husband or wife who is genuinely sorry for their actions can eventually earn your love and respect again. Back to lurking.
Ps. She cheated on me with a friend of mine who worked at an oil industry job I work at. I was devastated but after seeing her eyes and her words knew she was sorry. I didn't make it easy for her though and she showed me with word and deed over the course of the next years that it was a tragic ACCIDENT she won't repeat. We are happily married now and having our second child in May. Thank God I found this forum AFTER this situation healed. I would have dumped her like a bad habit had I read this thread.
@Phaidrah! LOL, You are so right! But my case was different. My MM and I were still very close but I chose to end it when wifey revealed things about him that he didn't tell me or just plain lied about. The fact that I showed myself to not be the little weakling who would do anything for him made him very VERY bitter and he threw me under the bus like a squirrel! lol
I just don't understand Miss Anne's thought process, affairs are nothing but a countdown to a painful end. She probably does have a geriatric sugar daddy which makes her case even worse.
Alaskadad
and
mybabies1stalways
Posting from the same ip address.
IP 76.94.....
@annechkaone: i take it you have never been married or have children. as others have stated before, a marriage is a legal contract and promise from one another to be faithful. i was married four years and in those four years i have had two children. i was a stay at home mom living with my parents and eventually a roommate when he was due to return from overseas. soon there after, i got a job. i worked as a teacher at a childcare center close to base. my husband expected me to wake up every morning, usually 5am, take him to work, prepare myself and our son for the day (he attended the center in which i worked) 8-5, cook clean have our son ready for bed and still have energy to put on the "burlesque show every night." mind you, he would go to work and sit on his ass all day joking around with his coworkers and be home hours before myself then turn around and leave with his friends. i understand that i did not have high paying job but i did pay for our son to attend and still brought home enough to pay rent and other bills. i explained to my husband on my occasions that i wish he would help if he expects me to be as active as he liked. i tried compromises and saying if you cook ill clean and you can get our son ready for bed or vice versa. it lasted a week and it was back to him sitting on his ass or going out every night with his single friends while i did everything. i got depressed and was constantly tired. i never denied him the ability to go out but i did ask that he not go out getting shit faced every chance he got and he needed to reconsider his priorities because it seemed the bills his son nor myself were among them. the last year we spent together my parents had died and he got out of the military. months later things were great. we went on vacation, and were house hunting. since the day he was released i began paying ALL the bills. 444 car payment, insurance, 600 rent, utilities, internet, gas, groceries, paid most of his tickets and 2400 for his dwi attorney. when he was supposed to be finishing his community service for a dwi, he was having an affair with another married woman. she knew he was married, new i was eight months pregnant and the day before thanksgiving he tells me he wants out. he doesnt know what he wants. i checked the phone bill and new exactly who it was and i left despite him asking me not to leave HIS MOTHERS HOUSE where we had been living. i had my baby in january. he continued to beg and say he knew what he did was wrong. he left me march third after I turned his phone back on and paid the 3 months worth of car payments he couldnt pay because he DOESNT HAVE A JOB. i was supporting him and our children by myself. he now lives with her, still doesnt have a job, still cant make the car payments, doesnt pay child support and this is a man to you?
Comments I made previous dates:
He is very computer smart there for I knew he would get to the bottom of it.
He also mention to know that my husband would hack into my accounts & had my passwords to everything & read all my emails.
Don't know what to say:(
I'm younger than most of you but I think I've realized something that several of you haven't. First off, I am a recovering alcoholic and cheater. During my recovery process for alcohol I learned that the key to stop drinking was not only to stop physically drinking alcohol, the key was to find out WHY I would drink and address those issues. This process has been successful for me for alcohol so I decided to find out why I would cheat also. What I found is that there were certain qualities all of my mistresses had that my girlfriend lacked. Now I knew I couldn't simply tell my girlfriend to change herself and get those or I was gonna quit cheating, so I broke up with her and completely ended contact with any girl I had been with before. It is then PROFESSIONALLY ADVISED, if you have been a cheater or cheated on to NOT START A NEW RELATIONSHIP FOR AT LEAST A YEAR! That's another huge mistake I see people talking about on here. I know women who have been cheated on love to chant "ONCE A CHEAT ALWAYS A CHEAT." What you don't realize is that that's the same as chanting "ONCE BEEN CHEATED ON, ALWAYS BE WITH GUYS WHO CHEAT ON ME." Because not only is the cheater have a problem that makes them want to cheat, but people being cheated on have a problem that attracts them to those types of personalities, AND THEN STAY WITH THEM! Just some food for thought.
motherx2 - My heart aches for you. I know it's really difficult to accept, but the man you were with is a user. They are very good at hiding who they really are. The dream of a happy intact family is the hardest dream to let go of. He will continue in his behavior. You need to look out for yourself and your children. His issues are just that - his issues. It's hard being a single parent, yet there are many positives as well. I am happy you found this out now, instead of having invested years in a person who is selfish, immature, and a user. You can not control what others think or do period. Surround yourself with supportive people. Join a church as they can offer great support and encouragement. You sound like a very resourceful girl which will serve you well. Grief and loss take time to recover from - you will go through all the stages. It will take at least a year before you are able to function 100%. In the meantime - it's just that - a meantime.
Allowing yourself to be used and abused will not be a good example for your children.
My prayers are with you. God Bless you and your children - stay strong.
deeked: So your blaming your cheating on picking the wrong girl who was attracted to you because they just knew you would cheat. You are not being honest with yourself - getting there, but not quite there yet.
Did you present yourself to these women as a stand up guy? Did you lie from the get go? Did you pretend to love them when you knew you were incapable of monogamy? If so, what was the payoff? Free rent, companionship, or sex for example. Is it possible that subconsciously you picked out women you knew you could manipulate? Did you prey on women with high empathy and compassion knowing these types are the most likely to be naive, gullible or forgive easily?
Is it possible you cheated because your penis is your God whom you believe you must worship and satisfy regardless of the cost? Is it possible you're addicted to sex the same way you are to alcohol? Do you view pornography which is a telltale sign of male sexual dysfunction?
Are you trying to justify your behavior by claiming that the women who "pursued" you wanted a cheater? Did you pursue any of these women? Do you have commitment or rejection issues that have not been resolved?
Recovery is about being honest and accepting responsibility, including the consequences, for your choices and actions.
mybabies1st: No disrespect intended, but your comment makes no sense whatsoever. What does "He is very computer smart there for I knew he would get to the bottom of it." mean exactly?
There is no congruity in the comments that came from the same IP address. It is unconscionable to lead people on and tell a horrific sob story that is pure BS. If you are just wanting attention, there are other healthy ways of getting it. Messing with peoples heads and emotions is immoral at best.
Stolenlives: First off, my point was not to say that its my girlfriend's fault I cheated on her. I do take complete fault for my wrong actions. My point was to say that there is a certain attraction many women have to guys who cheat. A mental health professional told me that women who have been cheated on once are more likely to be cheated on again by another man than women who have never been cheated on. To answer your questions, NO, I did not portray myself as a stand-up guy, in fact I acted more like a badass self-absorbed guy than I really am for the sole purpose of attracting these women, who WOULD NOT have been attracted to me otherwise. Again, not trying to remove any responsibility from myself, simply stated and frequently, not always, the cheater is not the only person with a problem.
I have been married for 7 yrs now and my husband and I are both 34. We have always had a pretty easy, relaxed marriage. Two years ago, we went to counseling for some internet porn issues he had and ever since then I have felt rejected and lost. He is doing much better, but I never gotten over it I guess. We are best friends. We have two children 2 and 4. A year and a half ago, I met another man on a girls weekend. He was married for 2 yrs with a child on the way. We immediately had a great cvonnection. Long story short, he was persistant, I was weak and we started emailing. We emailed for over a year and decided to meet. He lives in NY and I am in Dallas. We met and had this unexplainable connection. I felt guilt and anguish the entire time. I never thought I would become this type of person, but now after two more meetings, sex, and finding a "soul mate", I am. I embarrassed by this entire thing. It has been 18 months now with this other man and I am in love with him and he with me. My husband has noticed my disconnect and has been trying really hard to repair, but i think I have lost that lovin feeling for him now. We have a beauitiful home, great kids, great jobs and I am so afriad. The OM said he would leave his wife, leave his job and move to Dallas, but I am so scared. I love this man, but also feel like I owe it to my husband. We have decided to have no contact for 6 weeks and see if we can clear our heads and decide what to do with our own lives seperate. The problem is I miss him like crazy. Part of me wishes he will come back with "I want to work on my marriage" and it will rid me of him. I don't think that will happan. We are both addicted to eachother. I also can't stand the fact that he may risk everything and later resent me if he moves and leaves everything? That is a lot of pressure! What if it doesn't work out between us? I won't leave my kids in dallas, so I ahve to stay here, but I know he would love for me to move to NY. he has a promising career that I don't want him to lose....I am at a loss. Any ideas? Please don't be hateful, I am a nice person who just needs some direction.
Jeni If I were you I would ask myself a question "if you never met this new love would you still leave your husband?" if not you are probably only experiencing what everyone experiences when they meet someone new. Its call infatuation. I for one would not feel comfortable rolling a dice like that until I decided what I would do about the present situation, YOUR MARRIAGE.
jenishelle - I haven't been on this site in a while and for some reason feel moved to respond to you and your situation. Believe me, no judgement here. I have been there too, though my affair was much shorter than yours. Possibly only because we were caught very early on before sex, which no doubt would have happened. But I certainly gave my heart away.
My husband caught me out, and on the same night confessed a 20 year internet porn addiction. Though I felt betrayed and believed it wrong of him, I was quickly and easily able to forgive him and I can't say it really affected me emotionally. Like you we have two children, they are 7 and 9. But I still wonder if on some level his addiction my have affected how close we were able to feel to each other. Anyway.
My advice to you is as follows:
Don't be led only by your feelings, they are not to be trusted entirely. I'm not saying they are important but they can lead us up the garden path - right to our affair partner.
Think about your life values: do you value marriage and commitment? Do you want your children to have a father that they see on a day-to-day basis? Think about the cost of divorce: financially and emotionally, the time taken to move kids from your house to the ex-husband's house, the disappointment and broken relationships (grandparents, siblings, friends - you might be surprised at the friends you loose). Is your husband a bad guy? Sure, so your marriage is not perfect and for the last year and a half you are been putting all your energy into your affair partner. Think back to the things you liked about your husband and why you fell in love/married him in the first place.
Realise that this happens all the time - sliding across boundaries. Affairs for some reason induce incredibably strong connections and the 'soul-mate' feeling, and maybe he really is more suitable and a better match for you than your husband right now for this part of your life, but can we really just pop in and out of relationships as it selfishly suits us?
For me it was absolutely unfathomable not to be 'in contact' with my affair partner. It was the most terrible grief. We did in fact talk a couple of time on the phone and when we ran into each other in the neighborhood and that brought some closure. I am still 'addicted' to him, but can honestly stay I am now happy that I didn't run away with him (I would have if he hadn't gone back to his wife). The feelings are still there but I am coping.
It's a strange things as I am mostly happy with my husband, but I still miss HIM a lot. I am investing in my relationship with my husband and in some ways we are heaps closer than we have even been. To begin with I didn't want to be there at all - I was back in my marriage but kicking and screaming. The feelings I still have for HIM (affair partner) are just the price I have paid for my straying and I'm lucky to have got off so lightly.
I am a year and a half down the track now. I had no feelings what so ever for my husband but I can tell you that they can return if you value your marriage at all. It take tons of time, effort and ups and downs - though everyone is different, they say about 2years until you feel mostly over it (him) not that you ever completely forget him, you just learn how to be happy regardless.
I understand and feel for you. It really is so hard - hope this helps. Remember you are addicted to your affair partner. The only way to end it, if you decide you want to, is to have no contact with him EVER (Yes that will be painful to hear, as it is still painful for me to think of). Anyway you may choose the other pathway....
Guardedheart9:
Thanks for your story. Sounds pretty similar except the fact that I have not been caught. Some days I wish I was caught, so I could move on with my husband and come clean about everything. One question, do you think you would have had enough nerve to end your affair if the OM wouldn't have gone back to his wife or would you have left everything and taken a leap of faith? Did you work with him? Was he in a city close by? What if my OM says, "Ok, I have had six weeks with my wife and no contact with you and it was horrible, I miss you so much and want you only you". I am honestly scared of that. I think it would be interesting to see how many women actually leave their husband for another man if they choose her. I bet a lot. I bet it takes the man to sya no more. You asked me if my marriage was that bad. No, its not. We get along fine, like most of the same things, are still attracted to eachother etc, etc. This OM though is different though. He is British (never experienced that before) and seems to be very romantic and sweet natured in general. He likes to take long walks, sit on the couch together, sit and talk and have tea in the morning, I guess just being. My husband on the otherhand likes to sit in his recliner, watch football, and isn't very graceful about anything. My husband is not like that and never will be. I wish he was...I am not sure that is something he can change-its just who he is. I guess this guy showed me what else there was out there and as much as it disgusts me, I like what I see...
Jenichelle - You are spot on when you say 'I bet it takes the man to say no more'. Now looking back, I was so overwhelmingly in love with my OM that I don't really think I would have had the strength to end it. He ended it (well we were found out and he said 'no more' and I was still saying 'more please!!'). Whilst I still miss OM heaps, I am at the point now that at least on some level I am thankful that he has said 'no' and stuck to it. I've known a little of his journey since. I know that he did love me, but really in the end he choose to live by his value system, stand by his wife and kids etc. (Actually that just makes me like him more!!) I know that I questioned marriage and how bad it has to be before you bail. But somehow I just couldn't give up considering we didn't have any enormous issue previous, just drifed apart a bit, got lazy like many do.
So I get it. For you, as it would have been for me, if he chooses you, you may end up leaving your husband. Remember though the devastation this will cause. And the OM will not end up being perfect. Also how will you feel about yourself if you don't honor your marriage commitment considering your husband is not a bad guy? Will you trust your OM not to run off with the next 'new thing' (AS they say if he can do it with you he'll do it too you)?? Apparently there is a slim chance of it working out with OM if you go down that pathway.
My OM was a good friends husband (needless to say ex-friend now). I live smack bang in between his work and his home, just a couple of minutes either way. I am en-route literally he passes my house several times a day unless he chooses a less direct route. Arrrhhh. We had heaps of friends in common, our kids were great friends. I had known him about 8years. Then we started excerising during his lunch breaks. Its 'alone time' together that started it. I couldn't have 'choosen' anyone worse, but of course you don't really choose who do you......
What about improving your marriage? Not just trying to change your husband, not judging him but accepting him for who is he. But also making it clear to him what would make you happy (eg a romantic walk) tell him what you are missing and that it leave you less than satisfied. Get a babysitter and make 'couple time' a priority. Sometimes the day-to-day stress can take the joy out of the relationship and you need some fun again.
The OM and I have heaps in common, more than my husband and I, and yes, I still think the OM is totally HOT. But I am looking to remember/look for the good in my husband, and he is lots of good things that OM isn't. OM is a hot-head, testosterone filled, manly man. My husband is just as much a man but cool calm and collected and totally good for me (I can be a hot-head too!). So I know that I choose my husband and he is good for me. Also, I am trying to make it my mission to make my husband happy this year, as I gave him such a hard time last year!! So it's not just about my happiness. I need to suck it up and not be selfish anymore.
I guess my concern for you would be that you run off with OM and if doesn't work out, and you will be kicking yourself. Even if it works, there will be a lot of baggage.
And believe or not you can do without the OM. He is not your ticket to happiness. You can choose happiness without him, though it seems impossible right now. Yes you will always think of him, but do you want your family intact? I know what it is like, it really sucks to be in a marriage when you would rather be somewhere else, but maybe it's the right thing to do and that alone brings some good feelings. It's a hard road, a long road, and the toughest thing you will probably ever do. The grief you will encounter if you give up the OM will make you feel like you are drowning and fighting for air, and you will wonder if you will ever be happy again.
How will you decide? You know that one way or another something has to give. You can't live in limbo land for ever. The average affair is said to last 6months to a a couple of years.
Anyway - enough for now. Let me know how you are doing. I am feeling for you as I know how tough this is going to be for you either way.....
Jenichelle,
It will never ever work out between you and this man. Never in a million years. This is all a chemical addiction....like someone said above...a chemical reaction in your brain leading you astray. Best thing is to stay away for good and find something else to get the chemicals going....sky diving would be thrilling and less risky at this point. It sucks I know but please try to see that this is very unhealthy and can ruin you completely. I don't think you want to do that.
Best,
Phaidrah
I need help it's been tough last few months things going great with mm he opened up more but I struggled more over Xmas and new year a friend said he was using me and I needed to move on this confused me altho I knew how he really felt it stayed what she said I started thinking I should try to get over him three this around for a while but just never could do it. Last week we spent more time together than ever he opened up a little more but nothing direct didn't say he loved me this is all I needed to hear. But said that he just fully wants the magical love I said that I hope he finds it one day he said what makes u think your not and I replied u have never told me and he just pulled me in for a hug damn that Hurt but it was his way to say I was this confused me tho along with feeling that I was never going to be enough for him if I was wouldn't he of found away to be with me by now and his kids? Anyway it all got too much scared I was losing him my emotions were everywhere another guy started to MSG me I showed him the texts meant nothing to me it was all joking around. Anyway beginning of week this guy came over I didn't want anything to happen and nothing did for a few hrs he then came to me kissed me and before I knew it we were having sex it was emotionless I froze couldn't say no couldn't get it out it was like I was a different person all I was thinking off is mm I hated every second so thought if I acted like I was enjoying it and faked it wld be over with quicker in the end I pushed him off it could have only been 10 minutes but felt longer that was enough time tho too long I felt as if someone was watching I was right mm had come he had a sinking feeling something wasn't right he saw, it's devastated him his ended it saying he can never trust me again or forgive he let me in more than anyone I've hurt him more than anyone and admitted he loved me like no other and I was the one. He's up and down but says he can't ever see a future for us now he was getting ready to leave and I'll never know what we could of had. I don't know what to do he sees how sorry and upset I am how much I hurt. He's hurting more I know but he's worried about me and keeps MSG what I say at times seems to make him more angry which I deserve it's ended but i got let him go I'm hoping time will help he says that how could I do that if I loved him tried to explain my feelings but he doesn't understand yet he tries. He's not shown his wife much if any affection as he feels he's betraying me never had sex whilst we have been together ( I know all this is true as we are all 'close' friends) then I do the worse thing ever. He says I'm worth something and special and he holds on to all the qualities I have that he admired for the last 8 plus years and remembers all our amazing memories but this over shadows it he doesn't want to be jealous and concerned the rest of his life he's not built that way I said if he let me back in I'll prove to him he can trust me and in time those feelings will go. I have decided that I'm going to give him a few days space no contact at all hope it helps and he does realise that we can have everything I've pleaded with him told him how I feel but it's all so raw still. Can anyone help advice would be nice I can't let go I won't give up and I'll always wait for him please help how do I win him back?
Iknowitswrong - girl you need some boundries!! For you own protection! Do not sleep with someone you don't even like EVER again!!
As far as MM goes: I know you say you will wait, I get that. You are totally addicted. My advice would be don't see/contact him until he proves he is divorced. I know it's hard to hear, but maybe this little stuff up that has happened will be the best thing ever, if it ends in him walking away. Why should you prove you are trust worthy? He is married and he is with you. He is not trustworthy himself!! Please care for yourself and run for you life.....
Iknowitswrong.
you too are kidding aren't you?
Can you see the irony in the story here? A married man who has cheated on his wife, betrayed her trust and demonstrated his own lack of integrity is upset because you are doing what he is doing? His belated admissions of love followed by blame and outrage are just a convenient way for him to end the affair and justify doing and continue to tell himself what a great guy he is. So he doesn't want to be jealous and concerned for the rest of his life? LOL! Don't you see that what he is okay dishing out to you is not okay and acceptable for himself. This is a great demonstration of the delusion that most of these cheaters live under.
Seems convenient that he happened to show up at the same time as his other womans other man - you sure he didn't set it up?
ps In my world if I love someone I am not tempted to sleep with anyone else and have compete control of my underwear at any time..it doesn't just happen.
Thanks for you comments and advice - lynath I do truly deeply love him more than anyway ever but I see what u say it should never have happened biggest regret ever and yes he does truly deeply love me too, everyone says I know but he is different and gets walked over alot and the one person he ever truly trusted did the same 100x worse.
He didn't set it up he didn't know the guy I have briefly for a year but only saw him a handful of times in this time for no more than 15 minutes unfortunately he is linked to my job so will still have contact but at a minimal.
Our relationship wasnt something that started over night we knew each other along time and felt alot before we even started a relationship so it's not a normal situation for affairs we had something special that we can't walk away from.
Guidedheart9 - believe me I never will again ever it was emotionless and nothingness I felt and feel dirty guilty ashamed and disappointed amongst many other emotions it's a massive regret and biggest mistake of my life.
As for mm I resisted msging him all day til early evening and he mag me yep it laste all of 10hrs with no contact!! He said we need to keep communication up as we're in it together and have to get through it together and I agree with that we met and spoke opened up more than ever both of us it was reassuring in a lot of ways but he says he doesn't know if he cld ever trust or believe what I say again that's hard to hear but he gave me his heart deeper than anyone we parted on the fact that we can't not be in each others life it's richer this way when his ex cheated he walked away but with me he can't we have something special so we have stripped everything back starting again as friends stil MSG often and i hope that he will begin to trust and believe me again to let me in but that will take a very long time ESP to get where we were but i will fight and prove this little by little day by day.
Is there any advice on how to do this I'll do and try anything so all advice is welcome thanks
iknowitswrong
best advice for you is to enrol in an assertiveness training course or start reading some feminist literature to help develop some self esteem.
Who is his ex? Do you mean to say he has an ex other woman? It is in this mans interest to keep you for sex only and now he feels he has a license to treat you badly while you beg him to continue. If he was so badly 'hurt' by your encounter with the other man then he would not still be messaging you.
You haven't got anything special but something pathetic built on lies and deception and shame. Don't you think you are worth more than that? Lies deception shame and hidden are not the sort of words that describe real love.
I don't know how old youare but I can tell you that the cliche life is short is very true - why are you wasting precious time on something that is never going to bring you happiness. You are thriving on the drama and the fantasy of a sex only relationship which can never translate into the real world. You are also getting self esteem boosts every time he throws you a crumb and no doubt believing that your attraction for him is so powerful he will prove it by destroying many other lives and basically all he has worked for to date.
How long before he would blame you?
His ex was someone from many years ago before his wife.
My self esteem is low always struggled with that since age 10!!
That's just it we met often and most of the time we didn't make love we went out and had fun like normal couples went bowling dinner lunches exercised even when we had nights away we didn't always make love as we were so content in each others arms.
I'm having dips highs and lows everyday it's not getting easier only harder the msgs do help some but I do think they are like a false hope i know and I keep bringing my self back to remember he's ended it and I'm clinging on to what was but I know deep within we are made for one another.
I am beginning to realise that nothing will come of this unless he lets me In and doesn't bury his feeling for me but I can't let him go I've lost do much weight since it happened and I'm so tired it's going round and round I know it's along progress but at the minute he seems dead certain that no matter what it's over I can't bare that it's killing me.
Iknowitswrong - just about every woman who is half decent thinks that:
"it's not a normal situation for affairs we had something special that we can't walk away from"
That is the con my dear. That is what we all think. That is the addiction, the heightened emotions that go along with an affair. Everyone says "it's a love like they have never felt before". That's what I said. But all relationships come down from the high of infatuation. I'm not saying it's not real on some level but you have to keep a level head and look at the reality. I urge you to run from him, as Lynath said develop yourself, invest in you and who you are. You can not only survive but thrive without this guy. Believe that you are worth having a man that you don't have to share. If he really loves you he would choose you and no other.
@scottish fool - GOOD FOR YOU!! I am so happy for you! Feels so much better now doesn't it? Yes you will still have highs and lows but one day they will just be highs and you will be over this moron!! Keep it up and you will see it is worth it!
@Iknowitswrong
"As for mm I resisted msging him all day til early evening and he mag me yep it laste all of 10hrs with no contact!! He said we need to keep communication up as we're in it together and have to get through it together and I agree with that we met and spoke opened up more than ever both of us it was reassuring in a lot of ways but he says he doesn't know if he cld ever trust or believe what I say again that's hard to hear but he gave me his heart deeper than anyone we parted on the fact that we can't not be in each others life it's richer this way when his ex cheated he walked away but with me he can't we have something special so we have stripped everything back starting again as friends stil MSG often and i hope that he will begin to trust and believe me again to let me in but that will take a very long time ESP to get where we were but i will fight and prove this little by little day by day."
Um..hello? Am I reading here that you are trying to prove your love to a married man? You said in your last post also that everything would work out if only he would "let you in" and not "bury his feelings for you"?
I'm sorry but I have to be honest here and tell you that you sound delusional. If men have feelings for you they don't "bury them". You think they are buried but in reality they just are not there.
First of all, you need to write correctly and use proper punctuation to end sentences and start new ones. It is very hard to give you support/advice when we cannot even read what you have written.
Hun, I have to say that it sounds to me like you really need to talk to a professional here.
You stated in your first post that your mm got mad at you because you were talking to another man and so now he can't trust you??? Hello? He IS married to another person right?
Listen, hate to say this but not only has this guy used you but he took it a step further and USED some gasighting techniques on you too....google that and tell me if that sounds like what is happening to you. IN other words, he is making you feel crazy....he is mad at you for being un faithful to him but yet he is married???
You now are trying to win him back?
Hun the only reason that he is upset that you talked to another man is because he wants to use you all for himself and his own ego.
This man does not "deepy love you"...not a bit.
Please find someone to talk to about this before it chips away at ALL your self esteem. I am sure that others will agree here when I tell you that this sounds absolutely pathetic. There is no way that this man has an ounce of respect for you. None.
Am I judging you? No. I am not. Because I have done this more than once myself. I finally had a VERY good friend tell me to my face that I am pathetic. She was right.
This guy is using you like a dishrag and you are begging for more.
Please stop all contact right now and save SOME dignity.
Best to you,
P
Thanks again for all your advice and comments. I do see some of what you are all saying, but I can not help the way I am feeling and I honestly do believe he loves me still, he said to Me that he cares deeply and he can not just walk away as he does still see all the qualities that were there before and he clings on to them. I have just broken all trust that he has put into me and no one has ever had trust like it before.
I believe this as I have known him for many many years as well as his family.
I have been to see the doctor and I am on anxiety and anti depression tablets and I have been refered to speak to someone. It's the first step I suppose in a healing process.
He has not got angry because I spoke with another man, it was the dialogue that lead the guy to come to my house for me to be stupid and sleep with him when I didn't even want to and he saw me, this is what has broken him I lied and did an act I never should have. I regret it and will never repeat it. Yes I'm trying to win him back I love him I can't not try. He is surprised I'm trying and I still speak and see him a few times a week and other than a hug or a little hand holding there is nothing this confuses me some, he says it's over but needs me around how can he do this? Especially if he says he doesn't love but I see it. He says he is worried about my health and he is one thing that can fix it, which is true. But why worry if he doesn't care?
I know this does look pathetic to everyone and maybe it is. And yes you are all right ow cheats on mm crazy he has no right to get angry upset hurt etc. but how can I throw it away? Walk away and close the door behind me? When it hurts so much and I can't get through each day as it is over a week on the pain is worse not getting better.
Iknowitswrong - it's gets worse before it gets better. The withdrawals can last a really long time. But you have to look at the big picture here. Where will you be in ten years time? Why bother with him while he is still married? If it's meant to be tell him to leave you along until he is available and not a moment before.
So he 'says it's over but needs me around, how can he do this'? He can do this because a) he is selfish and b) you let him. I know you 'feel' like you love him but he is not good for you and you know it. Your health will improve once he is out of your life.
It may feel like everyone here is being harsh but we have been there and know what it's like and have your best interests at heart. Yes you 'walk away and close the dorr behind you' and never look back. You never contact him again. No you can't be friends or have anything to do with him if you value your life.
You will be happier without him. Not anytime soon but in the long term. Get your focus a bit further into the future. There are many woman's stories of being mistresses for year and years and year. Lives wasted on MM's. Don't let that be you.
I just stumbled on to the site and I am so glad. I have been in a relationship with a MM for 5 years. We were both married when we started and we began thinking it was only about sex but became so much more. He is 17 years my senior and has been wonderful to me. I left my husband 2 years ago and moved out on my own with my kids thinking we would be together soon. Well he has done nothing but promise next summer....then next fall and so on. The feelings I felt were feelings I never knew exsisted....movie kind of love. My husband had cheated on me for years and was emotional abusive so this was a breath of fresh air to be treated like a princess. I was no different than those women who slept with my husband. I candy coated things and convinced myself ours was different and would work but deep down i knew better. I knew in the back of my mind I didnt want to be the OT. Today because of this page and the eye opening comments I ended it. I told him I didnt want to play second fiddle....I feel confident it isnt over...he will still contact me but I am going to stay strong and stick to my decision. Thank you!
@Iknowitswrong
I am sorry to tell you again but this guy DOES NOT love you. HE DOES NOT.
He says it's over but wants you around?
= HE IS USING YOU JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE AROUND OR EITHER HE IS AFRAID YOU WILL CAUSE MAJOR TROUBLE AND HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE HE TAKES OFF FOR GOOD.
Why does he worry if he does not care?
= HE JUST WANTED A FLING AND AN EGO BOOST AND DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO. HE DOES NOT WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF YOU DESTROYING HIS LIFE ANDSELF DESTRUCTING BEFORE HIS EYES.
He SAYS he does not love you = HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!
I am sorry to be so blunt but this looks scary to me. You seem delusional and maybe no one has leveled with you here. Please listen to this.
You are on medication because of this and you are ill and you say that he is the ONE thing that can make you better? This is a dangerous place to be. You are not hearing anyone here.
Yes we get that you cannot help your feelings. However, you are an adult (I am assuming) and sometimes/often times , we canNOT wait for our feeling to change before we MAKE CHANGES. IOW: You have to do things for your well being that you do not F E E L like doing at the time in order to preserve yourself in the long run.
You are now chasing after a man who is MARRIED AND WHO SAYS HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!
C U T A L L C O N T A C T with this person ASAP before it completely ruins you and you haven't ONE SHREAD of dignity left!!!!
@Blindtothetruth
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO glad you could see all that!!! Yes we ALL think that it's something special and it is NOT. Just an overload of chemicals from having to be clandestine is about it.
Yes he will try to get his play toy back and you just hold strong and don't budge.
Awesome!
Blindtothetruth - you have truly 'seen the light'!!!
Thankfully it sounds like you didn't infact break up your marriage over MM, but that it was heading toward a natural end anyway, and you were vulnerable. But you did it, you made the break.
Please hold strong to your decision keep doing the smart thing and have 'no contact', ride out the pain and you will be happier down the track.
I was 19 when I met my husband. I am now 33 and I am raising my step-daughter and our three children. He didn't tell me he was married when we met. When I found out he said the marriage has been a sham the entire time. I had just found out I was pregnant when I found out about his marriage. Regardless of this I told him I refused to be a homewrecker and I left him and made ZERO contact. When I was about 7months pregnant he found me by calling directory assistance and he said they separated and were getting a divorce and he couldn't stop thinking about me. They truly had separated and I, being so young and naive, was very excited because I too couldn't stop thinking about him. I am now 33yrs old and we are separated. I have found him secretly talking to four different women in which right now we are separated because I told him after woman number 3 I would leave him if I found him doing it again. Well, here we go, woman number four, I told him we're finished and now he has stopped talking to her and he's had an "ah-ha" moment and sees what a pig he's been. He still won't admit he's slept with any of them, but I wasn't born yesterday. I agreed to go to counseling with him, but only for the benefit of our four children and to build a healthy FRIENDSHIP. I don't know that I will ever take him back. I wasn't a knowing accomplice and the moment I found out I called it quits, then when he left her we started our own life together, but I learned that it doesn't matter who you are. Once a cheater always a cheater. I meant no malice to his then wife and was sick at my stomach to find out what I partook in! Look what I got out of it...nothing but heartache and misery. This article is the Gods honest BIBLE TRUTH when it comes to a cheater, be them male or female and any woman who believes his shit and eats it off a silver spoon and knowingly takes part in an affair deserves the worst! I've lived 14yrs of misery. I hope he will come clean about his behavior in therapy. This might surprise others but I will feel better knowing the truth so I can move on. I am an 'I need to know" person.
i too have stumbled on to this site and feel so glad that its not just me that this is happening to. its been 6 and a half years of happiness and sadness and hurt. im trying to end it once and for all its getting my head round it all im 57 and very lonely ive missed so many chances of happiness with men but always ended it as it wasnt fair on them as i wanted him all the time.
im feeling stronger now having read all the comments on here, some of them made me cry as i could see myself in them
Ive been seeing a married man for about 4 years as well. I fell for him. I know it's wrong. I keep telling him that I want out. We have arguments all the time because he tells me that he married his wife only for his papers so he has to wait 5 years before he can divorce her. I know I cannot be his only mistress. As me and him see each other I meet guys and date them and cut all relations off with him when I'm dating other people. He gets so upset that I no longer give him attention. When I break it off with this guy the married man some how knows and comes running back to me like a lost puppy. When I try to leave him he finds ways back to me. He's not afraid to be seen with me in public. All my friends and his friends know I guess nobody tells his wife . I know that when he gets a divorce I'm never going to be with him because I kno he will cheat but I want him to stay around. I love the time that we spend together. What should I do ?
ive made up my mind that next time he textes me im not gona reply i think its the only way to end it as he always gets back into my head and like you he always seems to know when ive ended it with a man ive been seeing. i left my job to get away changed my number but he got it of someone we both know. im at my wits end i feel like im going crazy all the time as he constantly plays mind games with me. i love him very much but im never gonna speak txt phone or see him again. ive got to get on with my life ive lost to much. so be strong and end it hun id hate for your ife to be ruined like mine
ILoveU21-you know what to do. Run. Do what it6yrs is going to do. Never speak/see/txt him again. Move on. You know you are better than that. So it's tough for a while but you will have a future with freedom and possiblities, and hopefully a man whom is devoted to only you. Don't put up with these games from this married man any longer. It's not so much that it is wrong that you fell for him, more than it is unhelpful for you to continue with him. So you made a mistake. Now make it up to yourself by doing something 'right'.
Cut him loose and stay strong.
Well my OM and I decided on no contact for 6 weeks. We are on week 4 and this week he emailed me. I have been strong up until this point and now I am proving to be weak. I emailed him and told him I needed more time to figure myself out. I have been trying to give my marriage a go and allow to my husband to make the changes he needs to make. The OM has now come back saying he loves me and wants to leave his wife and move to Dallas (he lives in NYC). This is the first time he has ever said I love you. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I have two great kids (4 and 2) and my family life has always been pretty easy. Its proving to not be so easy now. I go back and forth every single day. One day, I decided to leave my husband to be with this OM, the next day I say I want to stay with my family. Back and forth back and forth! Its killing me! Deep inside I had wished the OM would come have come back saying he was going to work it out with his wife--which would have made it so much easier on me. I have started to see counselor, but I am so torn and depressed. My OM and my husband are opposites and I am not sure which road to take. I am the type of person who "make the best out of everything" and I am afraid that is why I married my husband.
hear hear i know im gona get a text tonight so im gona keep busy and ignore it i also know that in about 3wks im gona be so low that i will want to get intouch as i have in the past but not anymore reading others storys on here has made me see them all for what they really are USERS .....
Here a small story for ya people
A Girl K had loved A her husband for about 25yrs since they were young. They had problem due to their different religion.
But after fighting for their love they succeeded in marrying and having 2 sons out of this marriage which was not a perfect one but due to the love they had for each other they managed it but it lasted for 14 years.
The wife S fell in love with another married man of 2 girls almost same age as her two sons.
They fought for their love indeed their partners did not want to separate due to children. But they were selfish with life and chose to divorce their partners and now they are living together...
The other partners are heartbroken cause at first they did not believe it and did not accept it. But now they have to live with it.
And now the children are paying for their parents deeds, selfishness, they have to share their lifes at mother's place and father's place. The mothers and fathers are not talking at all, no communication not even for the sake of the children.
WHat is this? Why is this shelfishness?
All of these happened due to "love"
All the MM or OW or wife are thinking about their feelings and so on
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN MADE OUT OF THESE MARRIAGES..
I really feel sorry for one little boy of Girl K and Boy A, he is deprived of his mother loves and lacking special attention that he had failed at education level and am sure he will continue on failing.. His mother has his full custody but he lives with his grandparents. He stays with his fathers every weekend. His little brother had not known what is it a mother affection. She is never at home for her sons she is too busy with her new love and her new life.
I feel so sad for both of them.But what will happen to them and how are they feeling right now depriving of particular attention at such a young age.
We are living on earth by the grace of God who have put all of us to a test.
But there are people who are too selfish to think about this and who know only about just enjoying life.
What goes around comes around - actually said people. Do you think they will pay? ANd even if they will pay the sufferance which the childrens are enduring wont be undo.. Life is too cruel at times!!!! :(
I admit life is short enjoy it but THE MOST IMPORTANT DO NOT BE SHELFISH.
So what did you do? Go snooping in her computer? Looking for passwords etc ?
IDK what to say except...well....shit happens.
Go to counseling, talk things over, see what you can do.
Good luck.
scottish fools husband did all this come as a shock or were you on here looking for proof.
as for me im a week into no contact even tho he has texed me i havent replied. im keeping busy and trying not to dwell on the past. ha or the future im just trying to get thro each day and be at peace.
take care ladies might need some support in a couple of weeks
Just got back on reading through the posts since I ended my relationship with my MM. He has tried to make contact multiple times and I have been very firm in my feelings. Not only do I not want to be someones second choice but I cant live with the guilt of being the OW. He is very strong and knows all of the right things to say but I am proud to say I have stood my ground and have even went on a couple of dates with a very nice gentleman I met at work. I would have never given this guy a chance if I had still been with the MM. Thank God I was able to open my eyes when I did. Thank you all for your support.
Sandy, if you're still reading this Hub, I answered your email in your own Hub.
http://veronica.hubpages.com/hub/After-the-Affair-
Best to you.
Best to all of you.
Jenishelle - I totally understand your conflict. I've been there too. You 'feel' in love with MM, not your husband. Like you, I'd forgotten all the reasons why I'd married him in the first place. But if I am remembering your previous posts correctly you were not overly unhappy in your marriage? I wasn't either, we had just drifted. I would have run away with my MM too, only he went back to his wife. It is about a 1 1/2 years since the affair. For the most part I am glad that MM went back to his wife. Do I still love him? Yes, but it would have buggered up my life and my kids lives, his kids....etc would have been a mess.
Anyway - I don't know if you will have the strength to turn away. Your MM needs to go home and sort himself out. Whether he makes a go of it with is wife or not, he needs to finish one relationship before he starts another (as do you). If he is going to divorce his wife, he has to do it without you waiting in the wings.
I still recommend you go 'no contact'.
It's interesting because it seems like you are letting him make the choices. You have to decide what YOU want. Do you want to be married to your husband? Do you want to honor the commitment you made? I let my married man make all the choices too. He started it. He ended it. Anyway I know it is hard when you are addicted.....
Blindtothetruth and its6yrs well done by not contacting MM's. It is a constant temptation I know, even harder if he is contacting you first....
'Mrs' Scottish Fool, how nice and how amusing that 'Mr' Scottish Fool has joined us!!!!! Welcome!!
Scottish Fool (x2)!- you asked how have I/we repaired the marriage. Don't get me wrong, this thing called 'marriage' is a journey and believe me there have been times when I've questioned it's design....
I think to start with, it helps that we had a decent marriage to begin with. Like say a 7 out of 10 and the affair was short in duration. Husband and I had OK communication and sex that kept getting better. I think we probably lost a bit of the connection and stopped communicating on a deeper level and hey it can be just plain boring and hard work at times.
Things that worked in my Marriage recovery:
1)MM didn't press for contact so that gave me time to heal and cope with my 'addiction' for him. The powerful emotions that are felt in an affair lessened at least a little over time.
2)Taking the time to connect more frequently over the course of the day with husband even when I didn't feel like it(txt from work, hugs when passing in the hallway, cuddling on the couch) - the physical connection aided the emotional closer to grow/regrow
3)Talking more about our expectations in marriage, what we wanted, what was important to us, goals in life, things we wanted to do etc
4)Acceptance of my husband for who he his rather than judging him for what he wasn't or being upset that he wasn't what I thought I wanted him to be
5)Taking responsibility for my own happiness. It is my life, I needed to find other avenues for fulfilment and acheivement etc. It was not my husband's job for make me happy
6)Husband was/is VERY patient with me!!
It's complex, I'm not always 'happy' to be married to him and I constantly miss MM, but that's what I got myself into. There are still times when the two of us seem an awkward fit.
But I'm happy I'm still married, mostly I'm happy in general, my kids are happy - the family is whole - I like that. And, surprise surprise, I am learning that it is not always about me.....
Sorry Scottishfool - that was a bit of a ramble, oh well
well its been a long weekend but im doing ok. i did text him tho just to tell him why im not gona bother with him anymore. i didnt think it was fair to just ignore him he would be worried what was up so i just told him that its over and i was moving on. i asked him not to reply which he didnt. he will get intouch in a week a month or 2 he has before and im always that low that i start it up but not this time. hes a habit i need to break. and i think i needed him and thought it was love and it was really lust and needing to be loved.
oh well thats my rant over feel better for writing it down on here.
Thanks guarded heart for your input. It is always spot on. You are right, I do feel like I am in love with the OM. The part that I can't seem to get over is how different he is from my husband. This other man is funny, vivacious, intelligent, career driven, loves sappy movies, reads books I like, listens to the same music, tells corny jokes, etc... My husband is the exact opposite. BUT he is a wonderful father, good provider and a loving person. My husband has pulling out all of the stops and tring very hard to keep this marraige from breaking. He even told me he bought the book the "Love Dare" and is on day 5 of repairing this marriage. It is soooo hard to feel close to him right now.
I still haven't had contact with the OM, but next week will be the end of the 6wk timefarme we put on it. It has been extreemly hard,, but I want to move forward either way. i can't go on living like this. I am a very level headed person and lately I have felt depressed and afraid. I have never felt like this before-ever. I am just scared of so many things. I am scared of settling for my husband and not being true to myself, I am scared of giving up my husband and the regret that may come with that, I am scared of giving up 50 percent of my children's time, I am scared of taking a leap of faith. I have given my heart to this OM and I feel like I can't disregard that!! Guardedheart, please tell me it gets easier!! You are an inspiration to me and right now I need someone to tell me that they were strong and continues to be strong and that it does get easier. Do you feel like you will now be married for the long haul? of do you feel like you are staying for the children and the family network? How do you give up your heart and take it back?
Veronica, I don't know how else to contact you, but I write to ask if you would please delete all comments by scottishfool. I really don't want either my husband or myself to have to re-live the mess I've created. We're doing well, he's being amazingly understanding, and the future looks good for us. Thank you xxx
Jenichelle, what you are in love with is the idea of the MM; who and what he really is will be totally different to what you know of him so far, if you ever got to live with him. Those corny jokes which are so funny now will become irritating when you've heard them a few more times. It is all a fantasy escape from the reality and yes, boredom and responsibility you are now experiencing in a marriage no longer new and with a couple of kids adding to the pressure. Believe me it is just a stage which you can get through.
At the moment you are expending time and energy daydreaming about a future that is not reality. You obviously have every intention of contacting MM again and so it will go on until the inevitable happens and life will be hell for all concerned.
For all you OW who just can't 'give up' the MM(who you never had in the first place) because of the pain it will cause you, I wonder do you stop to consider the pain that a wife feels giving up her husband or a child feels giving up a father? Jenichelle you say that this man has a young family and so do you. Would you be prepared to leave your children behind, or do you only think it is okay if he leaves his fatherless and his wife alone to raise them?
You criticise your husband(your supposed best friend) because he is doing his best to make the marriage better.
How do you think he will feel when he finds out that all the time he was putting in effort you were betraying him?
The humiliation will be magnified all the more.What gives you the right to play games with people in this way. The drama of you being the sought after princess with the ability to choose between two men is exciting isn't it?
How about letting your husband have a choice too.
If you are so unhappy with him why don't you leave by yourself before starting a new relationship?
All the talk about being 'true to yourself' and every o piece of jargon thrown around by way of excuse is meaningless. What exactly do you define as being 'true to yourself?"
It seems to me you have the type of husband that the majority of women want. He really must love you if he is putting in effort to make you happy. All the while you are not doing a thing to help yourself or giving your marriage a chance. You cannot work on the marriage and have an affair.
It seems like your marriage has settled into a bit of a routine(which often means that people are overall content and feel secure)but you crave some of the old excitement and romance. Well - it is up to you to put in effort to get that back. You and your husband need to get out of the rut and spend some time rekindling the romance and fun that would have been there initially.
You say your husband is your friend so you are well ahead of many people on this.
You could go off with the MM but within a short time you might be very unhappy and inevitably all relationships end up at the stage you are in now with your husband. Don't imagine that things will be any different.It is highly likely the MM will return to his wife,or never really leave her. If you choose your marriage it cannot be on the grounds of staying for the children. You would then feel like a martyr or prisoner and that wouldn't make anyone happy. Don't throw away a perfectly normal marriage going through a boring patch for five minutes of excitement with another man who has already proved he is untrustworthy.
In twenty or thirty years time you will find that the stored memories from a life shared with your children and their father will be very special and precious. Overcoming bad patches in your marriage(and there will usually be more than one) will only make you stronger and value the relationship even more.
As a test of your feelings if the police arrived at your door tomorrow to tell you your husband had died, would you be distressed or relieved?
Really Jenishelle, I don't think you are thriving on the drama and excitment. I think you hate feeling conflicted in this way. You hate being in a marriage and feeling you'd rather be elsewhere. Maybe you are thinking 'what about me, when do I get to be happy??'. You might feel like that but you have to utilise your brain and logic here!! This married man is not yours to have, and you are commited elsewhere to a man who WANTS YOU!!! You are going to just have to suck it up princess and go through the pain.
When I was at this point, I don't think I would have cared if I never saw my husband again. It felt like it would have been one less problem to deal with. Terrible I know, but just a feeling. Don't read too much into feelings. 18 months down the track I am more than glad I have him around!!
I agree with many of the things Lynath has said. So many good points about why you should dump MM and work on your marriage. It's not like you had a bad marriage before right? You'd never even seriously considered divorce?? That to me suggests you should be able to get your marriage back on track once you choose too, and start to leave your drug of choice alone. Don't you think you owe it to your husband and children to try? Don't you really just want to be happy and fulfilled WITH your husband??
Interestingly I feel I could have written just about all you wrote. How different your husband is from MM. So was mine. Like you MM and I had so much in common. And it's true we did too(music and many other common interests)but that doesn't mean he would be good to live with!!! Or maybe you really are better suited? So what. There may always be someone we would be happier with - but it's difficult and insensitive to expect to change partner whenever this happens.
Like you, I completely gave MM my heart. So now that I am completely commited to my husband, what about my heart? Well to be honest I don't know that you get back that which you so willingly and freely give away - at least not in one piece. MM has still part of my heart, but I am hoping that with time this will fade and I'll get more of my heart back. But if not, the pain, though less, is a consequence of my actions. I just have to live with it. But yes, it certainly is way easier now that it was.
The nice thing is, even in the midst of some pain, I have been able to make significant progress with husband (who I must say has been very forgiving and patient!). We are have been brutally honest with each. It has taken us to a new level of closeness, and I am must more intentional about creating connection right through the day. Is it easy? NO Do I always feel like it? No, but since when has something good come easy?????
You can do this. I think that recommiting to your marriage is your best shot at long term happiness.
im finding it hard this week im so low and keep thinking of all the good times and want to get intouch with him. i know i should focus on all the let downs and hurt but its hard going. very weepy this morning but i wont get intouch i will be strong
It6yrs, please stay strong. I have been there and it does get easier. Just ask yourself, if you do get in contact with him, then what? Has anything changed in his situation?
Probably not. You go back to him and he get's to live a life and a half while you get half a life. Doesn't seem fair to me. These men are weak losers and they never leave their wives. 16, If you just need to talk or vent, I'm here. Write what you want to say to him here. Sometimes just writing it out helps.
I have to say that these forums have helped me much! I haven't read every story but I'm finding that they're pretty much all the same! Unfortunately, I've been the "poor wife" in a marriage of 20 yrs, with a history of my now ex had been cheating in me AND just recently the OW in a 1 yr relationship with a MM. I couldn't believe that u got caught up being with a MM but he really was persistent! Yes I am definitely at fault, I take partnership for getting involved, BUT let's be real these guys know what they're doing and who to pursue! After months of sending innuendos and flirtatious texts/winks/comments.....I gave in!! My husband and I were goin thru tough times...I believed he was cheating again! Instead of dealing with it...I acted on the attention this MM was giving me. We were always around each other, our daughters were the same age and played bball on the same team so we were always around each other, girls having sleepovers, the parents hanging out together. Yea, how horrible of a move that was for me knowing the wife, the children, the wife's family! Yes I am remorseful and ashamed if myself for crossing that barrier!! Like u said, I make NO excuses for my actions! One thing that I've learned from all of this is...whether it was me or someone else (bec I def wasn't the MM 1st affair or even 2nd!) the fact is there was going to be another woman periods bec this is a pattern and a problem for these men! Instead of facing the pribs in their marriage or coming to terms with not bring able to be faithful, they choose to stay in their comfort zone with their wife taking care of the household and keeping the kids under their same roof! These men are COWRARDS and SELF-CENTERED pigs! I stayed too long in my marriage bec I didn't know and gift want to be on my own with 3 kids but 20 yrs later, I finally got fed up and left!! I can't tell u how happy I am to be without my unappreciative ex!! Ladies, those of us in this situation both wife and OW, we are all victims!! These men are totally to blame! I know it's easy to get mad at the other woman but think about...the prob is its always going to be "some other woman" whether it was Jackie, heather, Rachel, et al....get it!?! This is unfortunately your married man's problem!! They can't keep to themselves!! We don't deserve to give these men an easy out!! Kick them to the curb, get ur alimony and chkd support and be free of their nonstop cheating habits!!! Stop blaming the other woman and hold these MM 100% accountable for being a coward and not handling their problems like a man!! They r so good a lying and making us believe them but pay attention to ur instincts and their patterns! We need to stop letting them get away with this! I empathize for all the women that are affected by these men! My relationship w.my MM ended aunts ago...it was brutal at 1st to be w.out him but after reading so many of these stories and seeing that everything that CDMA out of his mouth was a lie has helped me get over him! I do have my moments when I feel I miss him but then I remind myself it wasn't real! What I'm missing was a complete farce!! Good luck to all u women I hope u find ur way to happiness someday soon!
Thinking of you it6yrs - so devastating to go 'no contact' - hang in there, take it one week, day, hour, minute at a time......it's never easy, but it slowly gets easier. Think of this as addication you need to conquer. You can't even have a little hit of your drug of choice or you won't be able to breakaway.
thanks for all your support ladies, im not to bad today. your so right about not being his first im his 4th that i know of he says his wife isant intrested in sex so he looks else where that there just mates really.. they have no kids together and she has a good job they have a good life he doesnt want to give that up.
i feel that its my fault that i feel like this as it was suppose to be just a fling like his others but its been nearly 7yrs. and he is an addictition one i have to break for my own sanity ive been on anti depressants for 4yrs trying to cope with it all.
i was cheated on when i was married 12yrs ago so i know the pain of it all. i was so lonely when i met him at work id been alone for 6yrs and i do think he knew i was vunerable, flirted text made me feel good about myself again i was flattered, and it started. we had no contact last year for 3mnths it was agony it didnt get any easier so im hoping this time it will....
It is great to hear you speak so candidly to this woman. I am married and hope that i am never in this situation with my husband. I find that pretty much always, the mistress is just as selfish as the man who did the cheating. Destroying the lives of a woman and her children all because the man cannot keep it in his pants? I agree with the first comment too- what is keeping him from never doing this to you in the future even if he does leave his wife? I am sure part of the excitement is that he is doing a forbidden act. What happens when the luster fades away?
What happens when the luster fades away?"
What happens when you wives find out that your man is a cheating dog? I love the little passive-aggressive dig you make towards the other woman, forgetting that ultimately she doesn't owe you anything. Most of you wives are quick to throw the other woman under the bus to keep your cheating husbands. You all forget that the other woman is often no different that you all and are lied to and used by the MM just as you are.
This is why the man always gets away with his dirty deeds, we women are always quick to turn on each other.
No MsLioness I suggest it is the other women who attempt to keep the cheating husbands. No one is forgetting anything about other women. Are you trying to justify with this line of thinking. The other woman is very different to the wife in that she had made a deliberate choice(it does not 'just happen") to have an affair with a man who is now using her and lieing to her, whereas the wife did not. I don't see the conspiracy theory either about women quick to turn on each other - one woman
- the other woman- decides to trash another woman's life and happiness. Why would you then think the wife is not entitled to be very very angry and upset when she finds out?
Mature adults with normal cognitive ability, manage to exercise a thing called self control, and this stops them taking what they want, or doing what they want whenever they want, for instant gratification when it is not the right action, socially acceptable behaviour and with a view of the consequences. This includes understanding that there will be people we are attracted to throughout life, but if they are married or we have made a commitment to someone else then the attraction is never acted upon. They have learned to control the need for instant gratification to their wants and needs and behave in a civilised manner.
Those involved in affairs have a serious lack of maturity and control and a psychological problem which enables them to engage in inappropriate behaviour.
They are quite okay with the belief that they can build a new relationship on the tails of someone else's grief and sorrow. Therefore, in answer to Mpoche4 when the luster wears off the personalities able to conduct affairs don't like each other and it ends. The luster wears off pretty quickly when the fantasy is gone and both the cheaters are left knowing that neither can trust the other and what they are capable of doing to one person they can easily do again.
well im struggling this week im so down please tell me it will get better.
how can i stop myself from thinking about him all the time as soon as i awake i dont want to but i carnt stop
It6yrs it will become easier to cope with over time.You will not forget him completely but it is posssible to change the way you think about him. The trick is to immediately cut out any of the romantic fantasy thoughts about him(which cause you to long to see him or be with him) and instead replace them with a thought about him that is not so flattering. Think of a time where he was badly behaved or made you feel bad or my favourite imagine him indulging in some disgusting personal habit that you have already seen or that would make you turned off him if you did see it.There must be something about him that you didn't really like. Otherwise imagine him with any of his other affair partners or that he has another one after you and he is telling her your intimate secrets and belittling you in order to make her believe only she is special(because that is exactly what he has done to his wife and at least four others you know about) If that doesn't make you cringe and open your eyes then nothing will. When you put him in real world scenarios as he really would be something might'snap' in your brain and all of a sudden you will not want a man like that. Also you should be trying to find something else to occupy your thoughts and repair your self esteem. Something to plan for and look forward to or new friends or maybe even a new partner.Or get into another online group to give you somewhere else to talk that is not about affairs and where there are no people also involved in affairs. The world is full of exciting things that don't involve affairs.
thanks for your comment lynath
i really do try to think of all these things i know hes not a nice person really for what hes doing to his wife all these years. its a habit i guess after nearly 7 years its hard, also i live alone dont have many friends and ive been made reduntant im 57 so i have far to much time on my hands to dwell.and the worse thing is i keep dreaming about him sometimes there nice dreams had one last night that was awful woke up crying.
but on a plus note i havnt contacted him and im proud of myself for that. every night i say to myself "another day over"
oh well i will keep on breathing and plod on .. thanks again
it6yrs - Well done not contacting. Just take it one day at a time. The urge for 'contacting' is unrelenting and will probably continue you for a long time. Just remember you are an 'addict' and no amount of the drug (HIM) is good for you.
It's normal to have vivid dreams about him, it's the brains way of processing. I still dream occasionally about HIM 18 months on. As far as thoughts of him - it's tough. Don't be to hard on yourself. You will think of him a lot. Just say things like 'oh there I go again thinking about HIM' and the thoughts sort of pass through you. Then deliberately think about something else like fixing dinner.
Having time on your hands right now is a big problem. Girl you have got to get busy. Get your mind and body active. Get excerising, volunteering, coffee with friends, WHATEVER. You cannot afford to be idol. Get yourself up out of bed. Dress nicely. Hold your head up and do something useful!
At first I felt like I was carrying around a ton of bricks. I felt them at every turn. Now I feel like I have maybe just one brick. Sometimes I completely forget about that brick. Its still there, but it doesn't interupt the task of living a life worth living!
You really can do this.
For the past week I have been reading this entire HUB and I just finished this morning and I am ready to share my story. I am 27 years old and 9 years ago I married my high school sweetheart, my first love, my first everything and haven't looked back since. He has deployed three times to war and has brought that war home with him, but despite that we have grown together, are eachother's best friends and love one another deeply. In my mind my husband was never anyone who would stray or look elsewhere. Overall we have had a happy marriage, and he has opened up to me about things he has experienced, really letting his walls down- like telling me how many people he had to kill and how many people he couldn't save, he is a medic. Within in the past 6-8 months our lives have completely changed. We move to a new state, bought our first house and he started going to the Army's Physician Assistant School. I worked for a military non profit who helps combat wounded soldiers and it is demanding. In October is when his life started to spiral. He was doing great in school, but one morning woke up early in the middle of a night terror and started having a seizure, he was rushed to the ER, and almost died- without me there, because I was at work. The Army immediately put his school on hold and he was left to sit at home and wait. This happened for about a month. He started spending irradictly (sp?), pushing friends and family away and going into a state of depression. I think he was planning on killing himself. Out of nowhere he started wanting to go on camping trips with friends and I encouraged the companionship. This only lasted a week before I found out that he was dating someone. I found out on our 9 year wedding anniversary. We talked all day-- he held me all day, apologized for what he had done, told me he would end it with her etc. That night he went to end it with her and she gave him an offer he couldn't refuse, saying that he can't deny there were feelings there and they owed it to themselves to see where this goes and he went to go stay at her house and hasn't slept at home since. That was two months ago. At first, he told me he wanted to leave me for her because he loves her. Then he started meeting me for lunch everyday at work, coming home to spend time with me and talk to me when she was at work and telling me how much he loved me, and how confused and lost he is. We would have very serious, heartfelt conversation about our marriage. I was all kinds of heart, betrayed- I lost 30 lbs in 3 weeks and I was miserable. It always seemed so cut and dry, if your husband cheated he doesn't love you and you need to leave. I would pack a bag, and sit at the bottom of our stairs and go to walk out of the door and leave- but I couldn't. I couldn't stop loving him for his one mistake. I couldn't close the door on us, and I don't know if I ever will be able to. For now I am the OW or I feel that way, because he is with her most of the time. As soon as she turns around though, he is with me. She found text messages on his phone of him telling me he loves me and the mistress told him that she would be second to no one and if he wanted a life with her to divorce me and come back to her, he came to me and asked me for time for him to sort this out. Since then he is pretending that I don't exist with his mistress, that I skipped town. I am now his secret, and its torture. I am going to counseling. We are also going to counseling together for his war issues. The Army is medboarding him out of the Army and he is starting to go to his VA appointments and has invited me to go with him. Everyday he calls me and comes to see me, unless she is off work. I think people think that I am pathetic for standing by him during this. I told him not to come back to me until he knows for sure that he wants me to be his one and only, because I cannot share him. He says we are seperated- but seeing him daily doesn't make me feel seperated. He comes and tells me everything about his mistress- and its horrible, but he says I am his best friend. I have done things I am not proud of, like tracking his phone or consulting pshyics to see if he will leave her to come back to me. We have a beautiful home together, two wonderful dogs that I have the pleasure of keeping me company when he is away, and we can have a great future together. There are things we can work on, and will have to rebuild, but right now all of that is on hold. I feel like his mistress has control over him-- she has no car so he has to pick her up from work and drop her off, she is constantly texting him to see who he is with and where he is at, she demands that he buy her gifts and tells him if he doesn't someone else will. She enjoys the attention of multiple men, and right now she is trying to be monogamous with my husband. Part of me wants to say, go be with her and enjoy the life you can have with her, but everytime we try to let eachother go we can't. Sometimes we just hold eachother for hours. I am a very sensitive and emotional person right now, but am slowly gaining my strength. I am choosing to love him for all the things he has done right over the years, instead of the mistake he is doing now. He tells me when he is with me he is Bruce Wayne and then when he is with her he is batman. I know all of this is probably a lie, and I don't even want to know what he texts to her because I know it will be painful. To me this is not someone I know, but do I turn my back on my best friend and husband when he is hurting most? And throw away the chance at us being together? I guess for now I am not ready to make any rushed decisions, ie: file for divorce. I want to make sure that I am ready to close the door on our relationship before moving on with my life. For now I am working on myself, I finished my bachelor's degree last week and am working on a healthier lifestyle for me. I am looking for ways to meet new friends- like joining an exercise glass or activities club. I am not ready to look for someone else while I am married, because I don't think that is fair when I am still so in love with him. I don't know what to believe. He tells me he will always love me, and knows that no one can ever love him as much as I do and that he always wants me to be a part of his life, that he will never marry again. I do think he is getting to have his cake and eat it too. I offer stability and am like a security blanket for him, while she is new and exciting and suffocating him with so much attention that he doesn't have time to deal with his own inner struggles that happen when war comes home. I appreciate reading both sides of the story. I just wish I knew what was going through his mind. I often tell him, I feel like I am standing in the way of your true happiness, and I love you enough to let you be with her and I can leave, and he says no, he doesn't think he can be happy with her, that he is trying to put space between him just give him time-- but that is all bull, he will never have the courage to get rid of her, atleast not anytime soon. It will either be her making the decision to leave or me, a battle of wills I guess. For now I am safe, in our lovely home and am taken care of- the bills are getting paid and I am able to not be on the streets wondering how to survive. I don't know where this goes from here, its excrusiatingly painful when you think a person is guaranteed to love you and protect you for your life, and then you find out that isn't a guarantee. Its a very uneasy place to be in, and I did think of suicide, but am in a much better place now. I am reading a lot of books on relationships and post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury (both disorders my husband is facing). I am not ready to let go, and walk away and say I have given this marriage my all... and I don't know if I will ever be, but for now I am focusing on myself.
thanks so much for your comments they really help.its been a little better this week no tears at least. still having dreams sometimes there nice ones other times there sad or some are nasty were he trys to hurt me his wife is in them at times too. ive lost track of the times ive picked my phone up to text him but have been strong. hes away on his annual hoilday with his wife next week the on she payes for.... thanks again
myblvdofdreams - thank you for sharing your story. (paragraphs will make it heaps easier for us to read though - just a thought for next time!!)
Wow - I will try and keep this short.
The thing you will learn in this is that you don't need him for your happiness. You can't control what he does, who he thinks about and what choices he makes, but you can learn to control your own happiness.
It sounds like you really love him. He needs to make a choice. 'Her' or you, his wife. You might not feel like you are in control but you are still his wife. He has made promises to you, he needs and loves you. You guys have finances together. Don't just hand him a divorce.
But you can't be his doormat. He must choose - you or her. I would recommend you have no further contact with him until he can tell you that she is out of his life (and then his life etc will have to be an open book so he can build back trust).
Why? Because you need to force his hand. Faced with a future of not seeing you, he is will probably flip out. He will not like it. You see, he is still having his cake and eating it too. Between you and the other woman you are ticking all his boxes. Some of his needs you fulfill and others, she fulfills.
You should make it clear that he can't stuff you around any longer. If he leaves you, he leaves you. You can state your position (ie - you love him, want to be married to him, but not if he is seeing her). Even then, your husband has a LOT to make up for, hurting you like that if he hopes to make his marriage work.
I am sorry for you pain.
Thank you guardedheart for the honest and heartfelt reply.
I will stick to paragraph breaks from now on ;)
Every day is a struggle, but every day I get more and more courage and strength to realize that I do deserve better, and that while all of his needs are being met- not very many, if any, of mine are being met.
I don't know how I suddenly became the other woman, or how I feel like I am being punished when I wasn't the one who cheated. I don't know if that makes sense, but its how I feel.
I know one day soon, I will have the courage and self-worth to tell him I want a life with him, but a life with me, means a life without her. I do think at the beginning he will say fine and go and be with her, but he will come back to me eventually, and if he does either I will be willing to go through the intense repair process our marriage needs, or I will say I can't and walk away.
Thanks again
Well I messed up again. After going some time with no contact I talked to him again. Not that it's hard to do. I do see him several times a week but still. I got sucked in again. Got into a conversation and when I heard the words spoken from him that he was in love with his wife I wanted to die. He just wants to have me around...to flirt with me when he sees me and I on the other hand love him so much it is sick. Sick.
I told him how much it hurt me and that I was so glad I was moving away so that I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore and he barely responded. I got an email the next day (only after I sent one to him) that was not mean but basically said that whenever we talk I get upset and he doesn't mean for it to happen. Basically he does not want any drama. His life is set....family, money , career. Meanwhile I am over here with nothing, no one and about to move to another country. I got the email today from him and I came and got in bed and took some benadryl. The pain is so bad that I cannot stand it even be awake. I hate myself for doing this to myself over and over. Now what should be an exciting time for me before I move and start a new job is miserable. Miserable. I will have to see him for another month and I can barely function.
Finally I deleted his numbers and email but what is the use? I see him and his wife on a regular basis. So I won't text him or email him anymore (even though I know his email). What good is that? I just see him in person and have to ignore him and go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out and then all night.
And how stupid was that of me to TELL him how miserable I was? I am nothing but a bother to him. There is a company party this Saturday and I am expected to be there. Of course he will be there. What am I to do? I cannot function once again. And I was doing so good :( I need some support.
Also I thought that him talking to me, flirting with me, staring at me, saying certain things to me etc was him telling me he still loved me. It wasn't. I just realized that it was him feeling scared that I would cause trouble for him. I made such a fool out of myself it is sickening.
how awful for you i feel for you i really do. but please be strong. its funny how you say that because he was flirting and staring at you that thought he still loved you i went through the same thing i misread him and think all is good when really hes just doing what you want to see to keep you, us onside. im doing okish this last week learning to get over my addiction.
ireally hope that you find the strengh to be strong move away and start a fresh. take care
?
Hi Gang:
I Came across this question which I am to ask it to myself every month "Do I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it"? When the answer is no, then that is a good time to get out. This question places the choice back on me, where it is supposed to be. It is really never about anyone else, and gives me the responsibility to face my choice, decision and the outcome head on.
I have not found the answer to be a no quite yet, what I have found Is a series of awarnesses which I hope will ring true, and bring strength and shed light like you guys have done for me still as we all go and grow through this process.
I see many of us struggle with the off and on, break-up and make-up which I see as a nature of the beast (no pun intended), it does ring true, the beast part doesn't it? I also now see many other (symptoms) if you will; and I have come to some conclusions to help me cope for the time being.
I know this is not a man I will end up with; yes, I desired him with the naive and knowledgeable parts of me, however time is wise and it reveals more than anyone or anything else could. It is with a bittersweet taste I say this, because to me; he is handsome, he is charming, he is smart... And more importantly, what he brought out in me; feelings I've never experienced before, sensuality unsurpassed, finding out what falling in love is... Yes, with the wrong person, granted, but falling in love all the same, wow. What a feeling! I can see why wars are fought over it, monuments are built for it, why Romeo and Juliet ... Well, you get the idea, this is why many of us find ourselves in this predicament with our hearts in our hands. Love. This MM is no different than any of yours, he says the same baloney you've heard written here, yes small variations, of course and to me he was my world. I say was because after four and a half years, this wonderful wise friend I told you about continues to show me that this man will not change, not for me, not for his wife. He has to change because he truly wants to, and not a moment sooner.
The truth is, us women are brought into this world practically perfect. We are nurturing, pretty, creative, intelligent, curvaceous, sporty, naive, conservative, outspoken, sensual,adventurous,funny, femenine,interesting, inquisitive... Should I go on? No wonder it's hard for men. But not all men are unfaithful. I know that to be true and I find solace in that. So, the fact that we have exellent qualities means we are already pre-disposed to give it is in our DNA, so when a relationship comes along where the man is deficient in the giving, it is felt very much by the woman, I always would bang my head against the wall wondering and asking my MM why he wouldn't feed this fire we had...? I felt I was putting in all the wood, because he would only show up and soak up of all the fruit of my bounty, most difficult to receive from this type of man I have found out. Why? Well to begin with I hate to say it but they are as selfish as they come, I was not the only girl my MM had, in the beginning of the relationship, he has told me once he has a weakness for beautiful women.... His wife knew of someone he was seeing shorty after they have moved in together. So, talk about Stereotypes, they're in place for a reason.
So, this would not be someone to spend the rest of my days with. I reckon with the thoughts of slowly letting him know the truth in how I feel, up until now he has believed what I believed; that I wanted to be with him at all cost. Not so much anymore, saying this to him will take a lot of the magic out of our get togethers because it places me in a light of:
"I know you are a compulsive liar, addictively unfaithful and I have reconsidered my insane decision to spend the rest of my life with you, not to mention you have a problem with alcohol and you like to pop pills once in awhile... What a catch! Oh, and an anger issue.
At this point, I am working to revitalize my mind, getting back into myself. Just had a bit of Plastic Surgery to get the years I lost back, beginning to assess friends that are worth while and the ones that aren't. Hobbies are making a comeback slowly. I know that the insecurity that allowed me to latch on to this MM will be pushed out by incorporating good things back into my head and emotions.
Here is another revelation: He is an unhappy person, he seems to have always had more than one woman at a time, for me, this is a no brainer. I have feelings for this man but the truth has a way of making me look at this differently, and feeling differently. The enchantment is not there as much. I think I will enjoy being with him but it's hard to ignore the truth the truth of knowing it's temporary .
Thanks for letting me share.
? ?
?Hi Gang:
I Came across this question which I am to ask to myself every month "Do I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it"? When the answer is no, then that is a good time to get out. This question places the choice back on me, where it is supposed to be. It is really never about anyone else, and gives me the responsibility to face my choice, decision and the outcome head on.
I have not found the answer to be a no quite yet, what I have found Is a series of awarnesses which I hope will ring true, and bring strength and shed light like you guys have done for me still as we all go and grow through this process.
I see many of us struggle with the off and on, break-up and make-up which I see as a nature of the beast (no pun intended), it does ring true, the beast part doesn't it? I also now see many other (symptoms) if you will; and I have come to some conclusions to help me cope for the time being.
I know this is not a man I will end up with; yes, I desired him with the naive and knowledgeable parts of me, however time is wise and it reveals more than anyone or anything else could. It is with a bittersweet taste I say this, because to me; he is handsome, he is charming, he is smart... And more importantly, what he brought out in me; feelings I've never experienced before, sensuality unsurpassed, finding out what falling in love is... Yes, with the wrong person, granted, but falling in love all the same, wow. What a feeling! I can see why wars are fought over it, monuments are built for it, why Romeo and Juliet ... Well, you get the idea, this is why many of us find ourselves in this predicament with our hearts in our hands. Love. This MM is no different than any of yours, he says the same baloney you've heard written here, yes small variations, of course and to me he was my world. I say was because after four and a half years, this wonderful wise friend I told you about continues to show me that this man will not change, not for me, not for his wife. He has to change because he truly wants to, and not a moment sooner.
The truth is, us women are brought into this world practically perfect. We are nurturing, pretty, creative, intelligent, curvaceous, sporty, naive, conservative, outspoken, sensual,adventurous,funny, femenine,interesting, inquisitive... Should I go on? No wonder it's hard for men. But not all men are unfaithful. I know that to be true and I find solace in that. So, the fact that we have exellent qualities means we are already pre-disposed to give it is in our DNA, so when a relationship comes along where the man is deficient in the giving, it is felt very much by the woman, I always would bang my head against the wall wondering and asking my MM why he wouldn't feed this fire we had...? I felt I was putting in all the wood, because he would only show up and soak up of all the fruit of my bounty, most difficult to receive from this type of man I have found out. Why? Well to begin with I hate to say it but they are as selfish as they come, I was not the only girl my MM had, in the beginning of the relationship, he has told me once he has a weakness for beautiful women.... His wife knew of someone he was seeing shorty after they have moved in together. So, talk about Stereotypes, they're in place for a reason.
So, this would not be someone to spend the rest of my days with. I reckon with the thoughts of slowly letting him know the truth in how I feel, up until now he has believed what I believed; that I wanted to be with him at all cost. Not so much anymore, saying this to him will take a lot of the magic out of our get togethers because it places me in a light of:
"I know you are a compulsive liar, addictively unfaithful and I have reconsidered my insane decision to spend the rest of my life with you, not to mention you have a problem with alcohol and you like to pop pills once in awhile... What a catch! Oh, and an anger issue.
At this point, I am working to revitalize my mind, getting back into myself. Just had a bit of Plastic Surgery to get the years I lost back, beginning to assess friends that are worth while and the ones that aren't. Hobbies are making a comeback slowly. I know that the insecurity that allowed me to latch on to this MM will be pushed out by incorporating good things back into my head and emotions.
Here is another revelation: He is an unhappy person, he seems to have always had more than one woman at a time, for me, this is a no brainer. I have feelings for this man but the truth has a way of making me look at this differently, and feeling differently. The enchantment is not there as much. I think I will enjoy being with him but it's hard to ignore the truth.
Thanks for letting me share.
? ?
Thank you it6yrs
Yeah today is not so great. I saw him again and he was cruel to me as usual....and there I was still begging to be with him. He just insulted me a few times by telling me not to be so obvious in front of his kids. I pray I can get better this week.
phaidrah, take it a day at a time. i had a weepy day yesterday but a bit brighter today its swings and roundabouts. ive read some of your old comments on here how strong you were and the good advice you were giving everyone so chin up hun be strong you are better then him.
hi delusion, had to laugh when i read your comments about your mm it sounds like mine... there all cut from the same cloth i think.
@Delusional,
Good for u! Way to start doing things for urself! Funny how there are so many commonalities with these MM?!? They do have some insecurities which is why they seek the attention of other women! I agree with you on how great it is to be in love! I think that's what Ive been hanging on to! My MM made me feel like I've never felt before....however at one point I really thought I had a future with him but as time went by and still goes by, I see what a compulsive liar he is....time will always tell if he's yelling the truth or not. Another thing is, I too wasn't his 1st affair or 2nd, for that matter....what would make me any different that he would stop seeking extra curricular affairs!?! Even though he tells me he's never been in love like this before.
It's been a couple of months when the shit hit the fan with his wife finding out....I've tried so many times to stop seeing him but I always give in! I admit I am weak when it comes to him! There are some weeks where I'm strong but I haven't been able to completely stay away! I am finding that as time goes by I'm getting better. U see he still says he is on the path of leaving his wife. Seeing is believing!
To try to move on....I just recently started seeing another man, which is not fair to this guy bec it is clearly a rebound kinda thing, but it is helping me take my mind of my MM. I know that's wrong but the guy I started dating knows the whole story. He knows the both of us.
I hope for all of our sakes those (the other woman/the wife/MM) that are going thru this, that we're able to find happiness! Wherever and whoever it is that will make us happy! I know of several couples that are happily together after having affairs in their marriage and ending up together. Don't get me wrong, I never want anyone to get hurt intentionally and having an affair is def the wrong way of dealing with current issues in marriages but from this forum, I see it happens more and more.
I still think about my MM! I still love him! I'm going with the notion that if things are meant to be they'll be.
Delusional, hope things turn around for u! Go out there and enjoy life! :)
@it6years
yeah I was so strong and then I got mixed up in it again. omg I could just shoot myself for that. Anyway, it is getting closer to me moving away and it is getting just weird. Now he just avoids me completely. it is just humiliating. I try every day to get back to the place that I was at. If I hadn't gone to several places that I KNEW he was going to be at I wold be a lot better now.
So I already saw him for the week and I wont have to see him again until next Monday. Maybe I can gain some strength during that time. Every time I see the guy it makes me dysfunctional.
Wishing you all are doing well.
-P
glad you feeling a little better. ive not been to bad weepy on saturday.hes back off his hol tuesday im thinking he will be intouch hopeing ive missed him and will want to start again... got to be strong.
take care
Yes that's what they do when you have been gone a while and they need an ego boost you know? The dance is what they call it. Mine started moving towards me once again as well as he noticed that I did not respond to him avoiding me. It's all B.S. I am better today and I am convinced that NC is simply the only plan that can make this better. Every day that I stay away is a better day. I have sadness but it is nothing compared to the daily hell that I go through should I be on any kind of speaking terms with him. I am looking forward to having my life back and being able to be happy again. Hope you can stay strong too.
love,
-P
hi p glad your a bit stronger. look forward to your fresh start with out him in your life. im stronger every day that passes. sadder with him than without i think..
take care let me know how your getting on
@it6yrs
wow...so so so glad to read what you just wrote. That is hopeful isn't it? I am so happy for you words just canNOT describe.
I am still feeling the depression but also I don't have the real effect of NC b/c I have to see him...
When I do see him I am ruined for a few days. By the time I get over it I have to see him again. It sucks plain and simple.
Once again this Friday I will be exposed to the poison....blechh...wish me luck...
I take it you were involved for 6 years? I cannot even imagine.
You will have to be sure on what you are doing. Being in a relationship with a married women can get you in serious as well. However, it also depends on the situation you face. But its better to be sure before taking major steps of living together :)
So first of all I'm utterly disgusted. I'm disgusted at women wanting 'their' married man to get a divorce just because of them. I'm utterly DISGUSTED at people saying that it's the wives' fault and shit like this.
I'm also utterly disgusted at people saying that oooooohhh the adulterous woman is 'a caring, loving' sweet lady 'who got caught up' blah blah BLAH. Really?
Well, tell you what? Come and live with me. The dick whom I call 'my father' abandoned us for another woman. We are living in hell right now. The slut got what she wanted: a divorce, and I don't know how she manages to put her head on the pillow and freakin sleep at night! My mum, and my siblings and I are just having too many financial problems.
And then you come and tell me that the adulterous women are poor women who deserve better? That whore deserves the bastard of my father. That's all she deserves. And I wish that he would cheat on her, so that she'll know what it feels like. I mean Jesus Christ! No wonder I am about to lose faith in humanity! No wonder I'm waiting to have my revenge! If people are on my father's and HER side, then this world is really f***** up! Disgusting!
Does my father have a right to be happy? Of course. But NOT at the expense of our unhappiness! And then you expect me to pity you? WTF?
I pity myself, my siblings and my mum! You're not the freakin victims here! I don't think the MM chained you to the bed and fu**** forced you to bone him! You're just as guilty as he is! WE ARE the victims! The family that gets to the suffer the consequences! UNBELIEVABLE!
So first of all I'm utterly disgusted. I'm disgusted at women wanting 'their' married man to get a divorce just because of them. I'm utterly DISGUSTED at people saying that it's the wives' fault and shit like this.
I'm also utterly disgusted at people saying that oooooohhh the adulterous woman is 'a caring, loving' sweet lady 'who got caught up' blah blah BLAH. Really?
Well, tell you what? Come and live with me. The dick whom I call 'my father' abandoned us for another woman. We are living in hell right now. The slut got what she wanted: a divorce, and I don't know how she manages to put her head on the pillow and freakin sleep at night! My mum, and my siblings and I are just having too many financial problems.
And then you come and tell me that the adulterous women are poor women who deserve better? That whore deserves the bastard of my father. That's all she deserves. And I wish that he would cheat on her, so that she'll know what it feels like. I mean Jesus Christ! No wonder I am about to lose faith in humanity! No wonder I'm waiting to have my revenge!
Does my father have a right to be happy? Of course. But NOT at the expense of our unhappiness! And then you expect me to pity you? WTF?
I pity myself, my siblings and my mum! You're not the freakin victims here! I don't think the MM chained you to the bed and fu**** forced you to bone him! You're just as guilty as he is! WE ARE the victims! The family that gets to the suffer the consequences! UNBELIEVABLE!
Phadriah - you need to tell your MM's wife about the affair, not for revenge, but because she deserves to know and he needs to be accountable for his actions.
It's the only way for you can be free of him - really free of him -it will keep you accountable also.
"I know of several couples that are happily together after having affairs in their marriage and ending up together."
Disgusting. I don't want to live anymore really. I don't want to live in this society anymore. Why do people pity the bitch more than they pity us? Just DISGUSTING.
Yes, my bastard of a dad and his bitch were one of those people who ended up together after having an affair. And you're saying that it's ok because it's what makes him happy? Please! His 'happiness' is causing us misery and pain. But it won't last long because I'm going to take my revenge on them.
hatred. dont blame the other woman luv. he must of set out to look elsewhere. there all the same. i was with a m m and my father many years ago now left me as a child to have another family. i was bitter like you to but the hatred will eat you up.
if your so upset dont come on this site and comment untill you walk awhile in the other womans shoes....
hey phaidrah i to used to see my m m at work and like you my resolve faultered everytime i saw him and felt sick so i left my job it carried on but i knew out of sight out of mind would kick in and i guess it did as he saw me less n less till i said no more 2mnths now with no contact. and this morning i didnt think about him till around midday thats a break through.
First of all,I 'm not blaming only the other women. You're BOTH to blame. I mean it's 50-50. I hate the fact that you're trying to portray yourself as the saint in this situation when you're definitely not.
Second of all, I hope that I won't walk awhile in the other woman's shoes. I cannot be part of what I fight. You argument makes no sense. If a murderer murders, I don't have to 'walk awhile in the murderer's shoes' to say that murder is wrong. If a rapist rapes, I don't have to 'walk awhile in the rapist's shoes' to say that rape is wrong. Same thing with adultery.
Third of all, I have the right to express my opinion. If you don't like it because it's not music to your ears, then it's not my problem.
And I hope that my comment will appear this time. I've tried being a bit more civil.
Dear lt6yrs,
It's my article.
Please refrain from telling any one of my readers not to comment on my article.
Thank you. And thanks for your comments,
V
Dear Hatred,
Darlin, you're singing my song.
My asshole father had many affairs and left us when I was 10 years old for one of them. Of course he eventually cheated on her and wrecked her life too. Then he came back to my mother. It was a horror story that just kept getting worse. He's dead now. I'm 45. There's still unhealed damage.
But you knew my position from the very first sentence of my response in this article.
I moderate all comments. With about 280 Hubs on this site to date that's lots of comments, lots of spam, and lots of comments the site flagged as spam incorrectly. If you don't see your comment just be patient. I will find and post it, it just takes me a minute sometimes.
Thanks,
V
Dear Everyone,
I don't like to comment here. But I will post just about all of yours. I have 3 simple rules:
1 - Don't speak for me or misquote me.
2 - Don't post under different names.
3 - And don't bash or name-call. It's Ok if you're heated. But try to keep it within reason. 'Know what I mean? (It's alright if you don't. That's why I moderate.)
You're all welcome here. You're all welcome to express your opinions. Thanks.
As you were,
Veronica
@ stolenlives
Hi. Nice to see you post again. Yeah well I had thought about telling her at one time but honestly, now he has NOTHING to do with me. Nothing. The last time we had anything to do with each other was when I ran into him while I was out one evening and spilled my guts about how I loved him etc. Even though he tormented me with some touching etc he still rejected me as he has done for the last good bit of time. He will tell me how wonderful I am and that he loves me and touchie feelie and then tell me how in love with his wife he is.
So since then? Well he has been avoiding me completely. I know it is for the best but it feels so terrible I cannot describe. The depression just sucks. All this guy needed was an ego boost and when he got it....he was gone.
So no need to tell her now really...and also I am moving away very soon so I will not be around it at all anymore.
How are things with you by the way?
@it6yrs
Wow that is plain awesome! And i mean after 2 months only? Really good. Yeah I am really looking forward to not seeing him anymore soon. Every time I have to see him now I feel like I have to throw up I feel so horrible.
Not sure why my comments are not being posted again :(
Phaldrah, I don't have any from you that aren't posted or have been denied. And I just read through the entire spam folder.
Must I tell my partner or not. I have stopped everything but if i don tell him then I know it will kill him and his faith. He has sacrificed so much for me, maybe he would be happy without me?
Best site I have seen and have never joined one. I really believe that we are humans and can make mistakes and fall in love. Iam a MM and fell out of love with my wife for 7 years just kinda were living as roommates. I met someone else and it started as just fun but has grown into mutual love. My wife has turned around for me but Iam in love with another. I cannot believe how powerful this all is and just dont know what to do..The OW hates the situation but we BOTH cant stop seein eachother...
Yeah Veronica....that's ok. I may have just been up late and not remembering or something. No worries.
@troubled times...
yes it is powerful...it sucks too b/c I am starting to think that because of this all too common occurrence it may not be such a natural thing to be with one person forever. It just does not makes sense given how long people are living nowadays and how much people change in every way possible...most at least.
Not so easy for people who fall for taken ones too...worse I should say....they are usually alone while the married ones have a whole family.
We make choices and sometimes bad ones and everyone suffers. I hurt.. My affair partner hurts and I love her . We are trying both to end this right now and move on as we know its the right thing and finding it very very difficult.
I guess that I feel the need to share my story. My married man I was so in love with was my best friend since high school. I moved 6 hours away when I was 16 and he was 17. I promised him I'd be back when I turned 18 and I was going to do just that, but he got a girl pregnant and decided to go to the Navy to support that child. One night stand turned him into a father. When he went he declared his love for me in every letter in every phone call, he even had her go through me to send him letters in the Navy. 2 years in and he still declared his love for me. He always called her Wifey so I never thought anything about it until I asked him if we were going to be together in the next two years and he said that wifey was his wife for real they had been married for 6 months. I was mad and hurt that he didn't tell me. Now I tried cutting him loose but the hardest thing to do is walk away from the love of your life and bestfriend. changed my number but he still emailed me still found ways to contact me. Once when we came back to our hometown we thought it was okay to meet as friends... yea it wasn't, we slept together and though I was back on the highway home never for that to happen again he told her he cheated. Imagine my frustration at that. I wasn't upset when she called me cussing me out threatening me that was fine I only got upset when she'd gotten my home number where i lived with my mother granny and little sister at the time and asked for the BITCH. She had my cell she could have called me on that and called me out of my name but had my mother or granny picked up the phone? lets just say I woulda been on the highway. they were innocent in this. Now this story is too long to tell the entire 8 years of back and forth. he actually did leave once but then went back once i kicked him out for saying he needed to go to an interview. which if you were moving why would you need to go to that interview. I tried to be friends just saparingly which is hard to do when he refuses your wishes of not declaring your love every other second. I was short and bitter with him because i knew that it really did her him that I was not his friend. 2008 I married, and cut the friendship even more my husband hated him (understandable). 2010 I separated (that's another story nothing to do with this one. Moved out and here he comes again wanting to be friends. i was fine with that actually I was over him really over him and I did the unthinkable. We were chatting online and I asked him to put his wife on. I apologized to her for all the pain that I caused over the years and was truly sorry for everything. She accepted. He and I are still friends but to a much lesser extent that we were before and her and I are actually better friends than me and him. Mainly because throughout all of this he cheated not only with me but multiple others and I felt sorry for her she held on with everything that she had and in the end turned out to be much stronger than I am. But the GOOD NEWS is that just last week I spoke with him and Finally after so many years of doing wrong he is trying to work this out and commit. You can say yeah right but for the first time since they have been together he actually sounds as though he has truly fallen in love with his wife. :-) I couldn't be more happy for the both of them. I just wanted to share my tidbit, not everything is so black and white when it comes to affairs.
Hatred,
I hope you are still reading. I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you.The rage at the injustice and pain of it all can be overwhelming. I am concerned at your comment that you are seeking revenge. My advice to you is to do nothing that will only serve to cause either you and/or your mother further pain and suffering. Do not do anything that will have consequences for you even if you think it would feel good at the time. It is not worth wasting another minute of your time or energy on these people who have already proven they don't care about your feelings and well being.
Wow. My MM has just announced to me that he is leaving his wife.
hi phaidrah
wow thats brill news im so happy for you i hope it all works out. ive not been on here for awhile been going through a bad bad time. id not heard or been intouch with my mm for 3mnths and was so so sad and unhappy so i got intouch just to say hi, he didnt reply and it made me worse as weve dont this before and we always end up chatting again and thats all i wanted his friendship as ive known him for 10 years and i miss him so much.
anyway i felt suicidel but this week getting stronger only to have another blow ive been told by a old friend who works with him that hes moved on to his 5th affair now..... so i now know that it is well and truely gone and that i will never hear or see him again. carnt tell you how painful it is i feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
Wow, and just think...you're feeling a small part of what the wife is feeling and the hurt you caused to his family by enabling him to do this.
Why commit suicide for a man who was never yours? Why give so much power to a man who did you the same as he's doing to his wife? What made you any different that you wouldn't be treated the same way? I wish women who chooses to be the enablers to their CHEATS/MM will realize they causing this destruction to happen in their lives. I've never met a mistress who's played a part in a man leaving his wife to be happy in the long run. Once the honeymoon is over, the vicious cycle repeats itself within the man because he's a broken man.
hmm very deep i think you should know though that his wife has not been hurt as she doesnt have any idea what hes really like.....and there are no kids involved at all. i try everyday to move on and i am getting there. he and his wife however will go on the same way he will always play around and she will always be in the dark
@lt6yrs
I am SO sorry to hear about how you have been doing! Please know that we understand and please disregard what Healing has just said. I know where you are at and I wish I could hug you now.
You just cannot help who you fall in love with and this guy just sounds to me like he has had too many affairs here. Please hang in there ok? Start your NC over and just don't ever talk to him again.
@Healing
What is your point with this? What? Someone says they are suicidal and you say this shit to them? E V I L!!!!!!
It's easy to make like as simple as "enabling" isn't it? Isn't it? Not so easy when you are wrapped up in it though. I am SURE that the OP did not chase this man down because you see they DO seduce women outside the marriage. Maybe you are a W and you would rather believe that it's the woman who runs after the married guy just WANTING to get hurt? Sorry but most of the time it is not the case.
That was completely cruel.
@Phaidrah
E V I L? Is not the act of engaging in extra-marital affairs with a MM EVIL & WICKED acts against wife and children?
No E V I L was intended and it depends on the character and perspective of a person's heart that will declare it evil or not.
My point is a person should not want to commit suicide based on a failed/false love with a man who was never available. She saw this broken's man character from the onset. I never blamed her because it doesn't matter who pursued who. What matters is the fact she needs to hold herself accountable for placing herself into this situation and thinking about suicide is not a way to deal with a situation that may very well be karma (sowing and reaping process) that she has operating in her life. The wife was probably suicidal as well and maybe that why she's affected in such a way.
AGAIN, I never blamed her or the OW b/c that is irrelevant. It's the fact one should be mature enough to accept consequences of a horrible choice she willfully engage in her life.
I understand these MM prey on OW but they have a choice to continue the false illusion to carry on with a MM. That's when the become the enabler to the MM man's sin and the wife doesn't have that choice when she is being betrayed.
Honestly, when I read ALL of IT6yrs' post...I discern a scorned mistress who's angry that she was treated the same way and How could it happened to me syndrome. I discern she's angry at herself for allowing it. She's going through the emotional tearing that a wife goes through and it's hard for her because she has created a soul-tie with this man and b/c he has ripped it with no closure it's unbearable. How is it she feels like this for a MM knowing this scenario may happen?...it's b/c she's receiving that same feeling she's caused on the wife. (KARMA~ sowing and reaping)
@It6yrs
No E V I L or cruelty is intended!!!! PLEASE don't let your feelings that were built on a LIE destroy your future. LEARN from this, take responsibility and make it a point that you will no longer be another MM's toy,FWB, or lust reliever. For every moment spent with a MM you're losing the possibility of building meaniful memories with an available man or time getting to know your future man. Always remember it's an illusion when you are making a soul-tie relationships with MM. Say to yourself
~I have dignity, I respect myself and have inner beauty I have yet to tap into!
~I'm worthy and will not share my man with another. I have self-esteem, I'm attractive and I'm an ASSET to an available man.
~I'm not an Enabler...I refuse to be part of destroying another woman's life b/c it will effect me mentally, morally, emotionally and physically ( he will not use my body for his pleasure).
~We all make mistakes, This is one mistake I have learned from and will not repeat again.
~PRAY TO GOD that He helps you heal quickly. Looking for another to fill the void will hurt you in the long run...unless of course, the new man is sent to help you heal and help you to rediscover your inner beauty.
I can't not stress enough if you continue to reflect off responsibility in your part in this hurt and not hold your actions accountable to the consequences along with the anger you will allow bitterness to root and other men will pick up on that negative energy. (It can come in the form of low self-esteem, scornful woman, lack of confidence....bottom line it's unattractive to men.)
@Phaidrah
E V I L? Is not the act of engaging in extra-marital affairs with a MM EVIL & WICKED acts against wife and children?
No E V I L was intended and it depends on the character and perspective of a person's heart that will declare it evil or not.
My point is a person should not want to commit suicide based on a failed/false love with a man who was never available. She saw this broken's man character from the onset. I never blamed her because it doesn't matter who pursued who. What matters is the fact she needs to hold herself accountable for placing herself into this situation and thinking about suicide is not a way to deal with a situation that may very well be karma (sowing and reaping process) that she has operating in her life. The wife was probably suicidal as well and maybe that why she's affected in such a way.
AGAIN, I never blamed her or the OW b/c that is irrelevant. It's the fact one should be mature enough to accept consequences of a horrible choice she willfully engage in her life.
I understand these MM prey on OW but they have a choice to continue the false illusion to carry on with a MM. That's when the become the enabler to the MM man's sin and the wife doesn't have that choice when she is being betrayed.
Honestly, when I read ALL of IT6yrs' post...I discern a scorned mistress who's angry that she was treated the same way and How could it happened to me syndrome. I discern she's angry at herself for allowing it. She's going through the emotional tearing that a wife goes through and it's hard for her because she has created a soul-tie with this man and b/c he has ripped it with no closure it's unbearable. How is it she feels like this for a MM knowing this scenario may happen?...it's b/c she's receiving that same feeling she's caused on the wife. (KARMA~ sowing and reaping)
@It6yrs
No E V I L or cruelty is intended!!!!
Did the wife personally tell you it didn't bother her?
PLEASE don't let your feelings that were built on a LIE destroy your future. LEARN from this, take responsibility and make it a point that you will no longer be another MM's toy,FWB, or lust reliever. For every moment spent with a MM you're losing the possibility of building meaniful memories with an available man or time getting to know your future man. Always remember it's an illusion when you are making a soul-tie relationships with MM. Say to yourself
~I have dignity, I respect myself and have inner beauty I have yet to tap into!
~I'm worthy and will not share my man with another. I have self-esteem, I'm attractive and I'm an ASSET to an available man.
~I'm not an Enabler...I refuse to be part of destroying another woman's life b/c it will effect me mentally, morally, emotionally and physically ( he will not use my body for his pleasure).
~We all make mistakes, This is one mistake I have learned from and will not repeat again.
~PRAY TO GOD that He helps you heal quickly. Looking for another to fill the void will hurt you in the long run...unless of course, the new man is sent to help you heal and help you to rediscover your inner beauty.
I can't not stress enough if you continue to reflect off responsibility in your part in this hurt and not hold your actions accountable to the consequences along with the anger you will allow bitterness to root and other men will pick up on that negative energy. (It can come in the form of low self-esteem, scornful woman, lack of confidence....bottom line it's unattractive to men.)
My point is a person should not want to commit suicide based on a failed/false love with a man who was never available. She saw this broken's man character from the onset. I never blamed her because it doesn't matter who pursued who. What matters is the fact she needs to hold herself accountable for placing herself into this situation and thinking about suicide is not a way to deal with a situation that may very well be karma (sowing and reaping process) that she has operating in her life. The wife was probably suicidal as well and maybe that why she's affected in such a way.
This is BS. Mean, condescending, haughty and just complete BS.
"Sowing and reaping"? Really? Please. No clue why you think this is helpful. It's not. You're just vomiting your projections here and that's it.
And you should make up your mind soon. Are you freaking Christian? Or are you Hindu? Or have you a mind of your own?
Don't answer that. I don't give a damn.
@Phaidrah
You're in denial about your character and you're emotionally IMMATURE. I don't expect you to care b/c you don't care about people in general. Afterall, look at your disposition on this blog. You're looking for someone who's in your same situation to justify your horrible actions. The way you attack people on this blog exposes your character. As life progresses you're look back and reflect on your actions and will deem it was not appropriate.
HealingComing2Me,
Thank you so much for posting what everyone is thinking. You summed up Phaidrah perfectly and eloquently.
Thank you Veronica and HealingComing2Me. Enough is enough with the immaturity and attacking by Phaidrah. I learned a lot watching it, about being in such a low and sad place, and having that kind of character to be like that. I don't ever want to be that sad and mean and bitter, or that self involved. So I am glad it was all on here, it was so eye opening what can happen. But enough is enough now.
Thank You Veronica. I appreciate you for opening this hub. It has inspired me to write two books (one for mistresses and for the wife). It is my desire that both wife and mistress gets healed. Women are pearls! And should be treated as such.
It's been some time since I've posted on this hub. I come back periodically and review some of the postings that were made. I used to post under "Wife with 2 Children" for those of you that are recent participators of this forum.
I myself am married. I am in a good marriage (as far as I know). I say it that way because a lot of the married women who find out that their husbands are having affairs think that they are in "good marriages". I recently had the privilege of meeting a woman who was married to her husband for almost 12 years. During the course of their marriage, they have had 3 girls, have made very intelligent financial investments, have lucrative properties, etc. In other words, they built a lot together, as a unit. She was very, very much in love with her husband. She didn't see a life without him. She was so wrapped up in him that she didn't notice the consistent late nights after work or the frequency in which he would go out. She trusted him so she didn't think to question why his phone would go off in wee-hours of the night (text messages). She accepted his explanation when he said that he was receiving emails from work. She thought that they were just going through a dry-spell when he wouldn't sleep with her. So she thought it was HER. She thought she had to spruce up her appearence. She spent a lot of money on new clothes, etc. She thought he was just consumed with work when he would hardly notice. (He's an Executive) Then she started really paying attention to him.. Now let me back up a second. I am in no way saying she is perfect. But she did what MOST women who are deeply in love with their man do... she did anything to make him happy..
She remained trusting until one day, she finds an email between him and another woman on....(wait for it...) FACEBOOK. The email was incriminating to him to say the least. She gave me a copy of these emails. In some these emails, he is telling the OW how much of a bitch his wife is. And how cold she is to him. And how much she DOESN'T take care of herself. (that one really threw me for a loop - this girl trains regularly for marathons - she is in amazing shape). He told her how she is so dependant on him, etc. Then he begins to tell this OW how much of a joy she is to him, how wonderful, beautiful, etc. He really whipped out the bells and whistles for this woman. And how wonderful their sex life is.. and how he can't wait to have her again, etc. My heart hurt for this woman as I sat there and read how he readily threw his beautiful wife (literally) of 12 years under the bus for the sake of the OW sympathies and....sex.
Needless to say, my client was devistated. She was crushed beyond belief. She's been married 12 years - what part of that was a lie and what part of that was true? My client wanted a divorce. No counseling, nothing. The confrontation was nasty. He was more upset that she looked through his email rather than being remorseful of his actions but then he came to himself. They went to marriage counseling. It didn't work. At the end of it, she divorced him and ended up with nearly everything. He pays child support for 3 children and alimony. Her nightmare didn't end there, however. She tested positive for HIV... She contracted the virus from her husband who got the virus from the OW...
I write all of that to implore you both; the married people (both men and women) and the OW that find themselves in a compromising situation. Situations like the one I just described happen MORE than you believe. There ARE consequences to these actions. You are not only hurting yourself, you are hurting your family.. your wife/husband. Count the cost. If you don't love your spouse, leave them.. Spare them the pain and devistation of an affair........
Haven't posted in awhile, but need it again now. I have been married for 8 years and have two beautiful children 4 and 2. I have been very content in my marriage and we get along great. Two years ago I met a man from NYC (I live in Dallas). We had an instant connection. He too was married and has one child 2 yrs. old. We have met up 5 times in the last couple of years, texted/emailed constantly and are completely in love. We both decided last month to leave our spouses and we both had the conversations with them. I felt as though we were doing everything perfectly. So I thought. He then came back after his conversation saying he needed more time to end things with her and didn't want to have any regrets. He said she was so in shock and he felt as though he needed her to have a better understanding of it. We decided on No Contact. I totally understood. Why would I want him to move here, lose everything, and have regret? He felt like he needed to give his wife one last shot, but felt ultimately it wouldn't matter. He had lost the love for her as well. I came back to my husband kicking and screaming! I have lost it for my husband. There is nothing there. I am hoping it returns, but for now it is gone. I told him I didn't love him anymore...Well since the OM has been gone for awhile 14 days now, I am starting to see more clearly. I do think he will come back (he said after 3-6months), but do you think he really will? I feel like I am not giving my husband a shot due to me stalling and hoping the OM comes back?! What am I doing? I am a highly educated woman with an adoring husband, who made a stupid mistake and now I keep making mistakes! I feel like such a fool, but my love for him is sooo powerful. I can't stop thinking about him. I have tried all of the suggestions, but nothing seems to be working. help!
Jenichelle,
Why don't you move on - regardless if the OM comes back or not since you've fallen out of love with your husband? I'm not judging you at all. But let's be honest. It's unfair to your husband who adores you to be your second choice. How would handle it if the roles were reversed? The OM seems like he is playing games. I've heard women tell me this same exact story soooo many times. They promise to leave the spouse because they are so in love, have the conversation, move on, etc. But when it comes down to it, they RARELY do it.. (Men, at least). Women are more prone to take it to the next step because of the emotional beings we are.
Think about it. How devistated would you be if your husband was only with you by DEFAULT (and you were actually in love with him)? Perhaps even a temporary separation would help you clear your mind and figure out what you want.. It happens.. I get that. But don't treat your husband like a fall-back plan.
@jenichelle,
If you don’t mind let’s put things in perspective. First and far most, did you take your marriage vows serious or not? If you did, don’t you owe it to your husband and family to make wise decisions based on the happiness as a family and not you as an individual? That same feeling you have for the OM, did you not have it for your husband at one point? (You did marry him!) If you would only make the decision in your mind and heart to do the right thing and be committed as you promise in your vows, you can rekindle your relationship and at the very least respect!!! However, the same investment you put in this marriage that has now gone flat (from your perspective) will only be repeated in your next relationship with the OM because you lack character that causes you to so easily fall in love with someone outside of your relationship. Ask yourself “how and why did I allow my heart to go un guarded to the point I’m in love with another outside my marriage?” “Would I like it if the way I got involved with OM be acceptable if my husband did it to me?” You’re bringing chaos into your family’s life and I don’t believe you’ve truly counted the cost nor impact it will have on how your children will manage their relationships in the future. That’s why marriage and relationships have deteriorated over the years because too many people cause devastation in their homes and their hurt children repeat the same destructive behavior and past the hurts to others and break other relationships. This Vicious cycle are initiated by people such as yourself who jumps from relationship to relationship instead working on their vows or breaking up in order that they may seek counseling for self awareness, working on their character, morality and becoming whole again. Be a whole and healthy person instead of a broken person running on feelings causing chaos in other’s lives brings a quicker healing and mends the tear you’ve caused in your relationship with your husband and kids. “I’m not in love with my husband anymore” is influenced by wrong choices made, pouring your love and affection to another instead of your husband (OM sure didn’t deserve it! He’s not paying your bills and helping raise your kids –not so sure if he’s great with his own family…look how he treats his wife and kids) and not respecting or looking at your husband with less admiration causes you to say that. Is your husband that unlovable that you can’t look past his faults of not being perfect? Are you perfect? Are his flaws adaptable? Or are his flaws so hideous that it causes your family to hurt financially, physically and emotionally? As far as the OM, wow can’t you see he still has feelings for his wife and family? Now, you’re second choice currently. Why would you want to be part of breaking a family up? Why are you not concern about destroying your own? Do you really believe there are no consequences for your selfish choices? If you were honorable and leaving a marriage without the influence of another and not leaning on other circumstances to help you emotionally well then I would say I admire you for trying to leave a marriage with honor and trying to work on your character and becoming a better person leaving minimum collateral damages without extra negative elements against your husband. Breaking a vow abruptly tears or severe the hearts involved. Good Luck and know the statics of those who enter into relationships such as the one you’re trying to initiated. Less than 5% survive. Do you have a plan when that relationship doesn’t work? Just remember we all struggle, we all want to be love in a healthy and right way and we all play a part in influencing the lives of others.
Isabella Snow 4 years ago
The problem with dating a married man, is that once he divorces his wife and proposes to you, you'll spend the rest of your relationship worrying if he's cheating on YOU.
Not worth the headache!
Leave the married men alone, they have issues!