Having a Baby Before Getting Married

I received this comment on my HUB "When Your Girl Wants to Get Married and You Don't"

confused says:

hi veronica.. the first time i saw this website, its awesome! after i read all of those love problems, i want also to share my own love story...

im in a relationship right now for 2 years and a half. honestly i want to get married to my bf and he said he is not yet ready... but he wants to a have a baby first...? is it fair to have a baby first before we get married...? please help me, im so confused!

Dear Confused,

This is a 3 martini answer for sure.

Umm, no. It's not ok. But probably not for the reasons you're thinking.

Generations ago, people got married to their high school sweetheart, bought a house, had babies, and then got divorced. It was all very orderly and traditional. It's not that way anymore. People are free to choose what things they want in life, and in what order.

There is nothing at all wrong with one or two consenting adults deciding to have a child out of wedlock. And, there is nothing at all wrong with two people that are together that have an unplanned pregnancy. In essence, what I'm saying is, if you and your boyfriend had a baby, either by accident or by decision, it's fine. It's between the two of you, and it's nobody else's business.

However, what's going on here is something entirely different.

You both want different things.

You want to get married.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to get married.

Your boyfriend wants to have a baby. But he does not want to marry you.

Confused, I'm confused too. I've known two guys in my life that were like that. One now has 6 kids, with 6 different women, and has never been married. He loves kids, and loves not having to have them 100% of the time. He acts like Santa Claus. He gets to take his kids when he feels like it and spoil them and then just dump them back with their mothers when any real work or responsibility needs to take place. He's constantly in trouble because he can't make all his child support payments. It's just stupid.

The other guy actually admitted to me and his friends that he will not marry his girlfriend until he is sure she can give him a son. If she has a daughter, he won't marry her.

I don't know why your boyfriend thinks he's ready for the responsibility of a child. You need to have a real conversation with him, and find out exactly why he wants what he wants. And he needs to be honest about why he does not want to get married.

But you asked for it, so here is my 3 martini advice: This is a bad scene, man. You need to get out of it. Do not have a child with this man thinking that he will eventually marry you. He would be free to do whatever he wants, knowing you'd be rather trapped at home with a child just waiting for him. Essentially, he would be commitment free and only take on the responsibilities he feels like taking on. He'd get all the benefits of having a wife and kid, and not have any of the hard work or responsibility involved with having that honor.

Be careful, Confused. If you want to get married, then you should find someone that wants to get married.

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All text is original content by Veronica.

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