Should I Stay in a Lie of a Marriage or Should I Go?

I received a most disturbing comment on my HUB : For Unhappily Married Men.

Here it is:

Turk says:

I am a 29 year old Married Marine father. I've been married for four years, and have been with my wife for six years.

After my first deployment, which was last year, i returned home to find that my wife had been cheating on me and destroyed our finances while i was away. I had decided on divorce, and after i realised how long the process could take, began to date and talk to other, prospective females. After a short time, i found a nice woman and we got into a relationship that i dropped recently, because my wife decided that we should give it "another shot" or whatever, at least for our daughter. As much as it hurt to do so, i did it and again faithful to her, we both know that what i did cannot be considered "wrong", at least in the sense that i believed that my wife and i were through, i just really wanted to move on and leave the pain behind.

Now, we've both made changes and sacrifices to "make amends", or try to "make things work", and in most ways it is, but i just cannot, for the life of me, forgive and forget what she did to our family, and to me.

It's smiles on the outside but inside, i'm still full of bitterness and despair, and i focus on the things that mt wife still won't do, but my recently dropped "lover" did so well. Whether it was sex, affection, or just inquiring into my well being, she really made me happier than my "wife" does, i really fucked up, i realize that now and i just can't figure out what to do.

I don't want to lose my daughter again, but at the same time, i can't live like this anymore, it's like living a lie. "

Dear Turk,

First, let me say thank you to you for your service as a Marine.

OK, now let me address your comment.

There is nothing in what you wrote that suggests you took your wife back for any reason other than your daughter. As noble as the idea is, it's just not a reason to be married.

Your wife cheated on you, which means she cheated on your family, which means she cheated on your daughter. She wrecked your finances which means the finances of your daughter too.

From where I am, I do not think the right answer is letting your daughter stay with a woman that can't be trusted to put her child's best interest as a priority.

She threw away her family, and her commitment to you. And she gets a second chance because she guilt-ed you by using your daughter. Again, not in your daughter's best interest. You know what, Turk? This is bullshit.

Get out. Get out now. You know you will eventually. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Just do it. Speak to a lawyer. You may be able to receive some legal aid through the Corps.

If you want to do what's best for your daughter, file for custody. Protect her and love her. If you have to share custody, keep fighting.

One of the best things you can do for your daughter is to be a role model. Live by example. She will understand when she's older. She will see by your example that it is not acceptable to let someone cheat on you and ruin your family. You will be demonstrating to her that the values you hold dear, like fidelity and honesty, are values worth fighting for.

It is not the best example you could be setting for your little girl to be living a lie, or to be reinforcing every day that what your wife did is acceptable. Years from now if your daughter is in a marriage what will this have taught her? If she is cheated on, what lesson would you like her to have learned from you?

Enlist the help of whomever you can. If you have your parents, siblings, grandparents - tell them honestly and completely exactly everything that has occurred. Speak to your superiors and fellow marines. Do not be too proud to accept help and support. You will need it, especially in a fight for custody. You might be surprised by which people around you have good advice and information that will help.

Make sure you keep whatever evidence you had regarding her infidelity and whatever it was she did to your finances. Bank statements, credit card statements, cell phone records. If they are gone, contact the establishments and get copies. You need to present all of that to your lawyer.

While all this is going on, you may or may not want to reach out to that woman you cared for again. You have to decide that for yourself. It may not be too late for the two of you to build something. Then again, you may want to focus all of your energy on your divorce and custody battle.

My advice is not based on the idea that you met a woman you really liked. That was nice, but that's not why i believe you should divorce. You should divorce because you don't want to be with your cheating money-wrecking wife. You're too young to be living a lie. You were wronged. Now go out into the world and live life right.

Best to you.

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All text is original content by Veronica.

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