When Your Girl Wants to Get Married And You Don't

Billy 5 years ago

Awesome answer! 'Can't even tell you how many of my friends have had women they ended it with because the woman pushed and pushed about marriage. They want you to do what they want, and don't care about what you want. They want to get married for the sake of getting married. They can't just live in the present and enjoy the relationship as it is right now. They blow it for themselves.

Irene 5 years ago

I like that you also included that just like she can't expect him to do something he doesn't want to do, also he can't expect her to give up on something she wants. So I think that was good, and that makes this article well balanced. I'm one of those girls that really wants to get married, and maybe it's wrong but if I am with a guy for a while and he isn't talking marriage I am out of there. But I can see what you are saying. I don't know, maybe I haven't really met the right guy, or else I would have waited it out?

bipbi 5 years ago

Hi Veronica. Do you still hold that answer if the guy says he really wants to marry that girl somewhere down the road, just not right now?

kranky 5 years ago

you haven't expained how do two people who love each other so much get over this hurdle, without afflicting anymore emotional heatrache

bambie 5 years ago

What if it's been six years and the guy still does not prepare for the future? Say for example, the girl is 27 yrs old and the guy is 28? He still want to buy very expensive phones and a car! He knows how difficult it is to earn money. And yet he doesn't think of preparing for the future.

miahbell 4 years ago

Observing from experience I would have to say that it is only a good idea to marry if the two are in love with each other. Such issues like the overabundancy of money or the expensive luxuries that one partner has and expects, are reasons enough to look at the whole situation and evaluate with reasoning. Are they going to be another expense account overdrawn or are they going to treasure every moment available with you? I would want to think that my husband would want I for the reason of love and not for money. Then again I'm not married. To know that you could be someone greater if you were with your partner all of the time still stands to be seen. Usually, one out of the two puts in more into the relationship than the other and tends to make argumental reasonings become a showdown of wit. Sometimes this showdown comes to a conclusion that leads to a having of your cake and eating it too. Then other times, that showdown only leads to some romantic interlude or some good sex. Either way, the design of the reasoning being verbalized or argued against had the love shared and put into a different perspective? The instances that one shares with the person you are going to marry, should be ones that have "you" put in the spotlight and made to feel loved and appreciated for yourself, and not the money that you put into action. When you lack the beauty of being young or the what if you go broke? Will they still love you? If "yes", then marry them. If not for love, then why did the both even start talikng and sharing moments together for in the first place. There had to be an attraction of ideals, or an admiration of one another? If not, then it's just lust and not love. If you cannot see yourself prettier or more handsome around them, then that love is not love. Someone that loves you, makes you feel special; they tell you that they love you. With those sentiments having been expressed, you look at yourself differently in the mirror and tend to have good days instead of bad. Some marry for money and whatever that love brings. Stay away from them, cause and effect. Either way in that whole proposition-only you end up with your feelings hurt and with a smaller wallet. Money can buy so much, but never will it buy love...,unless you're purchasing a pet.

akenfar 4 years ago

i am akenfar from morocco and i am looking for awoman to marry me

waiting 4 years ago

So how long do you wait before you walk. I have been in a five year relationship, going on 6. I love my boyfriend but I am ready to get married, ready for a family. I have waited and waited because I didn't want to "push" him into anything. He says he loves me and sees a future together and doesn't want to lose me, but still nothing. When is enough, enough?

bipbi 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

It's great to have you listen and talk about things like this. Thank you! I say this because in times of confusion and hurtful emotions like such, one (or probably me only) cannot be able to think it through.

I try to read your advice and figure something for myself. But as I say it's all so confusing. I guess it's because I still desperately hope my relationship to last the way I want. But I'm not at all sure it will now.

I'm 27 and he's 23. I've been with this guy for 4 years and it's been long distance for 3 years. We saw each other once every year for 1-3 months. Everything got better as time went by, because (I think, of course) we overcame quite a lot of things to get to know each other better. We talked about the future too but never came up with a specific plan. This summer I graduate and he graduates too, and we will return home both. I'm quite flexible with my plans for the future because I jave a good job at home and at the same time can return for further study abroad. But it would be more difficult for him if he stays home.

3 months ago he was offered a scholarship for further study. He will of course accept it, which means we're gonna be apart if I dont find my way there with him. As eager and sure about a future together as I was, I talked to him over Instant Messaging about marriage in the next 1 or 2 years. Then he told me he always truly wants to marry me but he's not ready now. The reason is he's not confident with all family responsibilities. I was upset. But that time he was busy with his dissertation so I left him alone and didnt talk about that for a while. A month later he told me he was ready and wanted to take all the responsibilities. He talked about what we should do with our families this summer when we're back and other stuff that I love to hear. I was so happy. But only for a few days. He then told me I should find a way to apply for study so we can be together because he doesn't want marriage that soon. This time the reason is he doesn't feel happy when thinking about marriage. I was hopeless and hurt, until now.

Things are the same for 2 months now. I have read a lot about similar situations. But I am moving toward a negative decision, that he doesn't really want me for his life as he always says. Do you think I am right? Do you think I should move on?

I'd appreciate your thought and advice a lot. I want a happy future with him, but with or without it I don't think I should be this miserable.

bipbi.

bipbi 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Thank you very much for your prompt reply. It's helpful and encouraging.

It's hard to focus on just myself now after a long time of "us". And it's harder to believe that we're not gonna be together any more. He wants being together without talking about marriage for a while. But I'm not happy with that.

You said about some possible happy day in the future and that eases the pain I'm feeling. This is for me a great way to get through the first hardest phase of breaking-up. Because somehow I still believe, despite what people often say about the "not ready" symptom, that he's just too young for it, not that he doesn't want me. Or this's just an illusion I choose to create, I dont know. Still I think I need to enjoy life and have fun. And thanks to you I have more courage to go for that now.

Thanks for being here, Veronica.

Helen 4 years ago

I think that I am the clingy type. I see myself so differently after I read your articles. I wish you were my therapist.

Ditch? 4 years ago

i was introduced to a girl 2 months ago and after just 2-3 times of meeting her i felt very close to her and had never felt as comfortable talking to someone as i had with her....we have alot of similar interests and share similar ideas for what we want for our future, so everything was goin well.......however i was told that i would have to make a decision with 2 months as to whether i wanted to marry her or not......I know you can never know someone until you live with them, and from what i do know i like....well up until now at least....cos i have to make a decision so soon i have to think about all factors, (which may sound trivial).

Based on what i know i like apart from lately when i've spoke to her she's sounded quite down and when i think about it some more, during a few of our conversations in the past sometimes she's been happy and others she hasn't, when i've asked if she's ok, she just says she's had a bad day at work, but doesn't seem as happy (on the phone) from one day to the next....this concerns me as i don't like the idea of being married to someone who's emotions vary from one day to the next..sometimes i think its just nerves on her part, but surely those nerves should disapear when we talk....ideally i'd have liked more time to get to know her before committing myself to her, but i was affriad of missing out her as i couldn't think of a reason not to say yes. However, now i feel as if i've dug a big ditch, but am hoping that she cheers up so the ditch turns into a mountain (cornie i know)........hope you can read between the lines and help me out.

Perseverance  4 years ago

I think this is a very interesting article. I think a breakup isn't ALWAYS the right answer, however; sometimes, "I'm not ready yet" means exactly that, and if you can have a little patience, things will work out all right.

My finace and I went through a long period of "I want to get serious about the future" and "he doesn't want to have to make a commitment or change the way things are now." For me, this was nearly intolerable because I have a lot of health problems and was struggling with carrying my own health insurance, and he had some of the best insurance available anywhere in our state (through graduate school, and at an absurdly low cost). It was very painful to hear "I love you, I want to be with you, but I don't want to marry you even though it would mean a HUGE financial and emotional burden off your shoulders, because I'm not sure I want to be with you forever." I understood what he was saying, but it was still frustrating.

Still, we talked it through, and came up with a compromise: he wasn't ready to make that committment . . . YET . . . but he understood that my main impetus for pushing marriage was the financial issue, so he would help me pay for my insurance if I would table the marriage issue for a while. I did so, and I'd also like to say that he was there for me emotionally through a lot of extremely difficult times. We've had our share of problems, but I'd like to think we've come through them stronger.

We got engaged in January, after nearly 5 years of dating. It's going to be a long engagement, as he's still a little nervous about the whole concept of marriage, but my patience paid off. We really listened to each other, and discovered that our goals were NOT actually insurmountably different -- unlike a lot of the scenarios Veronica has presented, we had a way to meet in the middle. In March of 2009, after 7 years together, we will become husband and wife.

Bipbi 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

My boyfriend came back home and said he was not ready because he just needed some time to think over the whole idea of getting married soon and how he could adjust to it. And he proposed us do anything I want as long as I am happy, i.e. getting married next year. Because my being happy would make him happy, even though he doesn't really want marriage as bad as I do at the moment.

Now it's my turn to step back and hesitate. I dont feel as happy as I think I should be with what he just tells me. I have a feeling that if he just does it for me, it won't last. And as much as I want a future with him, I do want to have a happy future with someone who is fully ready and does want and need the same things with me. And I think the latter part seems now to be more important to me. So now I am confused. Is he what I want, or is it just a happy marriage life with someone who needs it for himself, not just for me?

Do you have any Hub about this kind of confusion? Or do you have any advice about how I can clear my mind and know what I really want?

Bipbi.

John Disher 4 years ago

hi, nice website, i was looking for this kind of help, let me tell you a little about my relationship, my gf and i have been together for 2 and a half years now, and i have been 6 months now out of town working (it's a job that will help make a good financial future) i go see her every half a month, anyway, she has been pushing about the "let's plan for the future" issue, i don't like the idea of her pushing this issue, i think its a "us" decision to start talking about that.. i dunno, maybe i'm not ready yet, maybe im selfish on the issue, i love her a lot, she loves me the same and a little bit more, she says to me that i don't care being far from her, that i sound "super" when we chat over the phone and she's always talking like a truck full of rocks were on her shoulders...very depressing..that she wants to se me and all that ( i want to see her too and be with her, but i have a job and i cant, i see reality, she sees fantasy... i dunno) and i feel like crap for that, but i can't feel miserable here were i am right now, i need, i must mantain the hope that soon i will comeback to our town (where i used to live, and she lives in the present) thats my plan, make a few bucks were i am right now and get back with her, and MAYBE, when i return, JUST MAYBE then... i will think about marriage, like she does right now.. i dont want to hurt her feelings, that's all. and besides all this... i see that she has a lot of problems at her house, and her sister just got married a few couple of years and live next to her house (life's a beach at her house compared to her parents house) , and then i think to myself.... she wants to marry because she want out of her house or because she's ready?? she's 25, im 31.

thanks for reading this, i hope i get an answer, ty, im confused.

John Disher 4 years ago

Thanks a lot Veronica for your reply, I feel a little better now, i was affraid i was being shelfish but now that i read your reply, i see things with another perspective, usually i don't look out for my needs or feelings, intead of that i just want to make my gf happy, but what about me and my life?? lol, thx again Veronica, grettings.

cutie 4 years ago

just love and merrige

KLChicago 4 years ago

What a great topic and advice Veronica. I hope you can shed some light on my situation. My girlfriend is 32, soon to be 33, and I just turned 32. She was previously engaged but broke it off because her ex fiance was a druggie and this is really the first serious relationship I have had that lasted more than 9 months. We've been together for just over a year now. We recently went on a break about a month ago for various reasons. One of these reasons was that she expects me to talk about our future more but doesn't really hear it from me. We love each other but I am the type to only talk about things like moving in together, marriage, children, etc. only when I am ready and when I can truly see that happening (maybe its just a guy thing). Anyway, I make a very decent salary but have always had money/credit issues since college...trying to dig out of debt, etc. We had a discussion tonight that ultimately drove me to search the internet and find your website. It went like this: We go out to eat ALOT and I almost always pay the bill (dinner for two in Chicago can get expensive). She wanted to go to dinner this Friday at a very nice Italian place and I told her I felt like we shouldn't go out as often because I need to really start saving money for my debt issues and to be able to be comfortable for the future (I know, I'm 32 and should be there already but I'm a late bloomer and have always had an issue saving $$). She brought up the fact that I spend money on other things (golfing, etc) that can get expensive and I agree I need to budget better all the way around. However, the conversation led to the fact that she looks around at all my friends and they are almost all married with kids and she feels "behind" and that she's "not getting any younger" and she doesn't want to be like some of her friends that are in their late 30's/early 40's with no family or significant other. I agree with this but I am not ready financially and want to be together for another year or so before I even start thinking of marriage and to be able to give myself some time to really fix my money issues. She wondered outloud what I'm waiting for (to start saving for a ring, etc) and I'm thinking "what heck, we've only been together a year and most of my friends dated for 5 - 7 before getting married". I feel she is pressuring me before I even have a chance to be ready to marry her and if I tell to wait a year I'm not sure how she'll react. Any advice on my rambling? Thanks!

jacksonBusiness 4 years ago

Very useful informat

Keep it HUH

Jackio

kitten 4 years ago

i'm in the same situation you can hardly blame a lady she wasted her time and invested in the future a future now that seems to be never going to happen it sad that this happens but as far as getting married goes if he don;'t want to marry her she may not be pressuring him constantly she maybe thinking well if he don't want it i will find someone that does.

space 4 years ago

Hi Veronica, I am glad that I find this website. Me and my bf has been together for 2 years. I thought we were having a great time, and of course, like a lots of other women, I pressured him into getting married. He on the other hand, went through a nasty divorce before, and one of his buddies is getting divorced now, so he suddenly said that he need some space. then he said that he just want to live together, no marriage, no divorce. I was very angry at the beginning, but then I realized that I kind of pushed him away by giving him these pressure. I am kind of confused now, I feel I am facing a choice of either break up, looking for other man who wants to get married someday, or be happy with him (we were happy together), be honest with you, I don't even know why I want to get married, I don't want kid, I guess it is the pressure from my family, and seeing other friends all getting married. Help please.

African hotel 4 years ago

I'll remember to save this article so that i can refer to it in the future when i have kids of my own. You never know.

myfavoritenook 4 years ago

RealityTV 4 years ago

Veronica, is there any chance that when he says he just isn't ready that he will actually become ready one day?

confused 4 years ago

hi veronica.. the first time i saw this website, its awesome! after i read all of those love problems, i want also to share my own love story...

im in a relationship right now for 2 years and a half. honestly i want to get married to my bf and he said he is not yet ready... but he wants to a have a baby first...? is it fair to have a baby first before we get married...? please help me, im so confused!

Coconut 4 years ago

K Williams 4 years ago

.....maybe she no longer wants to live as an unpaid whore.

Renaissance 4 years ago

Veronica, this particular Hub was the one which introduced me to hubpages.com. A Web search of the very phrase which makes up the title brought me to this site.

Great answer, and thanks for introducing me to HubPages!Here is one of my own Hubs on a similar topic: http://hubpages.com/hub/Not_Ready_For_Engagement

Renaissance 4 years ago

Veronica, here's that Hub you suggested I write:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Once_A_Cheat_Always_A_Chea

Dino 4 years ago

This is another excellent article, Veronica. You're so right. When two people in a relationship are not on the same page it isn't fair to eaither of them. Girls LOVE to delude themselves and think their guy is different, their situation is different. But any guy who reads this is pretty much nodding and smiling to himself.

sipoom99 4 years ago

Hope every pass it.

hunny1980 4 years ago

well, i have the same problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now.He used to say he wanted to marry me but, now he doesn't AT ALL! When he gets around his buddies he makes rude and nasty comments about how he will NEVER get married (with me sitting there listening) like i am not even there. It makes me feel worthless and like I am not worth marryng. if there is something so wrong with me, why is he even with me at all? I am sorry but i disagree that its ok not to want to get married. I understand not wanting to get married after a few months or even a couple of years but, after that, they are just trying to keep you at arms length and trying to get out of a commitment. If they are not ready to get married, i feel like they are basically wasting your time because it is more or less telling you that they are not sure if they want to spend the rest of their life with you. I am almost to the point of moving on myself because i have been pushed far enough.

Me 4 years ago

I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 28. He's been married before (at the age of 18) and that wasn;t the best decision in his life. He has an 9 year old son who lives here 7 days a week. We've been together now for 5 years and 4 of them living together. We got engaged 5-5-2007 becaus I " proposed" Now he wants to get out of the marriage, because he's not ready yet. He thinks marriage is something not necessary and says we have a good life the way it is.. I want to move on and get married and I understand that I'm pressuring him right now... I do want to be with him the rest of my life, but marriage is very important to me. We have a date 08-08-08 and while he's not sure of marriage, I cant plan anything. He knows that I already got the wedding dress and I know that the pre wedding planning is the most fun for women! But I cant have fun before I know what he really wants... Well I already know of course, but I dont know if I want to be with a man that never wants to get married... what should I do???

Jessica 4 years ago

Wow, Veronica! Way to be blunt! you say what every one who reads that is thinking, but we're all afraid to say it. I know I always want to be liked and wind up like many people not telling the truth about how i really feel. But i guess that is why your hubs are so popular, you really tell it like it is. I will never understand why women get so caught up in wanting to have a wedding that they totally don't look at what it takes to actually be part of a marriage. This one doesn't even want to wait til the guy proposes to her. I feel sorry for her,but your advice is correct. she needs to stop thinking about her dream wedding and think about what it means to be a partner.

Ali 4 years ago

I have been reading some of the post and I love your advice but every situation is different and I would really appreciate your advice on mine. I am 24 yrs old and my bf is 27. We have been together for 6.5 yrs and living together for 1.5yrs. We have had our tough times and had a couple of breaks early in the relationship but gotten through it all. I would love to get married and have spoken to my partner about this and he recently said he just isn't sure yet. I was in shock when I heard this as a year ago he said in the next year we'll probably get engaged. Now that year is almost up and we arent going anywhere. He always tells me he loves me and wants to be with me but I am worried we have become more like flatmates rather than a couple. He has it very good with me and I feel he doesnt appreciate it and its making me feel like his mother. When I talk to him about this I always feel like Im being pushy and he then makes me feel like Im the bad guy. I am just worried that its never going ot happen and I have sacrificed alot of time, and things I would like for him. I am starting to think I shouldnt sacrifice anymore time as that you cant get back. I love him but I think he takes advantage of that. What should I do? Please help

ppp 4 years ago

me ur boy friend is fooling u u choose safe direction otherwise ur life will be distroyed.

Ali 4 years ago

Thankyou Veronica. I was thinking I needed to do that but just wasnt sure if I should.

You are right in that is the only option. And I will do it. I'm sure he knows its coming but has always thought I wouldnt go through with it.

I am lucky that we are renting. It is my lease and am not locked in anymore so as soon as I find a place we will go our seperate ways. Will let you know how it goes.

Any advice on what to do about our 2 dogs? we both love them and got them together. So not sure what would happen there.

It is nice to get such an honest opinion which sometimes you cant get from your friends or family.

Thankyou again so much

Samantha 4 years ago

Hello Veronica,

My situation is a little different, I guess anyways. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years and we are engaged. He proposed a little of a month of us being together (way too fast yes, whirlwind romance) We have no been engaged this whole time and he refuses to set a date. Everytime we do he comes back a few weeks later and says he isn't ready right now and doesn't know why. I'm struggling with my wanting to move our relationship forward and him wanting us to stand still, well actually he wants us to move in together next year, which is stricly against BOTH of our religions(catholic). But I don't want to pressure him because I don't want him to really want to do this not because I forced him to. But I'm struggling to deal with standing still and him constantly unsetting the date.

Confused on where to go from here, and how long do you wait for him to be ready?

Samantha 4 years ago

I'm sorry I guess I should add that I am 25 and he is turning 32 on Monday.

erika 4 years ago

Hi veronica,

Thank you for putting up such an inspiring article.

Let me share you my experience. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. I'm only around 24 but my boyfriend is around 33. A few months ago, he started to propose for me to get married with him, I accepted and we started the preparations for the wedding.

However, in the past few weeks, he kept changing his mind, 1 day he said he wanted to marry, and the next day, he said he wanted to postpone. He keep being undecided ever since which makes me really fed up about it. Does he want to marry or does he not?

I had a talk with him and we discussed it through, it seemed to me that he is worried about financial problems. We both sat together and do some planning on financial stuff, how much can we save up, how much do we have and how much we can allocate for emergency situations. It look pretty nice and he agreed, so he carried on with the plan.

Unfortunately, a few days ago, he started worrying on other things, like what if I get retrenched, what if accidents happen, what if this and what if that.. you know unexpected things. Well, I don't deny it won't happen but I don't really see the point of worrying of all that, you can't see when it comes, but you should not really let that prevent a marriage.

We both love each other but sometimes I think that this marriage is not going to work as he keep postponing and worrying for unnecessary things, 1 after another. My friend said maybe he's not into the marriage thing. Unfortunately I am into marriage, I want to build a family and future with him.

Eventhough we're young, but I want to know how should I handle this kind of situation. Should i just wait for him or should I not waste both our times and move on with my life. I'm just afraid of waiting for something that will never come.

Talked to him on this before, but he doesn't seem to get what I'm saying and act really touchy on it. Can you advice on this?

Really appreciate your comment

Thank you and have a nice day

Dee 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I like reading your comments and you make a lot of sense so I was wondering if you might be able to offer insight into my problem. My issue is that I'm almost 24 and my b/f is 26 and we have been together for 5 years now and living together for 3 of them. I have a child from a previous relationship and he has been in her life from the beginning. My issue is that after all this time together:5 years I want something definite. I know that he is the one I want to spend my life with but he doesn't know what he wants. We didn't have the talk until recently because I've tried not to pressure him but I want to know that we are on the same path. I've just started going back to school and with school and work, I know it's been a stressful time for both of us. But now he says that he doesn't know what he wants anymore and he's going to stay at his Mom's for awhile to "clear his head." I told him that I would move out and we could break up because it doesn't feel that we want the same things but he said that he doesn't want that. He just needs time to figure things out. My question is am I making a mistake by leaving the ball in his court? I don't want him to be with me because he feels I need him. I want him to be with me because he wants to be. I don't know if this separation is a good idea or if it the beginning of the end? I love him so much but I'm hurting. Do I just give him time or do I walk away? Thanks-Dee

Bianca 4 years ago

Hi Veronica

I can not begin to tell you how much I love what you relay to your readers. I am in a bit of a tangle. I want to get married very much so but even my own father has told me to be okay if it does not happend since I will be career successful. I don't want to give up and become like so many other successful women in my family, but I don't want to turn into this desperate prune that settles. I am only twenty one and feel so stressed about the situation. I know I should take a chill pill because I am young, but it's hard, many of my college girlfriends feel the same way. So, what should we do?

MiamiBabyMama 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I need your advice. I am 29 and my boyfriend is 24. After only knowing each other for a few months we were very much in love and decided to have a baby together. He is the one that 1st brought up the question and after about a month or two of talking about it, contemplating and compromising my beliefs of marriage before children, here we are a year & a half later with a six month old. I love my boyfriend very much, but I broke up with him because now I realize I do want to get married and he says he's not ready. He finishes with school next year and he says sometime after that we will get married because he will be more financially stable and he'll be able to "be a man", but after hearing so many situations where the girl is waiting years for a ring and also knowing people in the same situation I feel I better get out now while I'm still young enough to find someone who wants to get married and have more children. I also have heard that when a guy says he's "not ready" it really means I'm just not the one. Even if he was to propose now I feel like it would only be to make me happy and he may throw it in my face later that he never wanted to get married. Also I feel like if he really loved me he would have asked me already, especially when I was pregnant or even after seeing our beautiful baby! Sometimes I think he is too young anyway. Am I being selfish? Am I right? Please help!

*undecided 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I need your expertise on my situation. I am 30 yrs old and my bf is 28. We have been together for two years. We moved very fast in our relationship. I was the first girl he ever lived with. We were living together but after not knowing if he wanted to marry me ever and catching him in a lie, I asked him to move out and get his own place. He was and is very resentful that I asked him to move out. That same night he moved out he was terribly upset and said he was a fool for not telling me that he sees a future in us. I think he was saying all of those things because he was scared of losing me. Five months later he forgets what he said and we are back to square one.

He's a really good guy with great family values and I love that about him. He's sweet, attentive and I am very much in love with him. The problem I'm having is that it's not about when we will get married, it's IF we will get married. He doesn't know if I am the one. It doesn't help that my family is constantly asking when we are going to get married and that I have four of my friend's wedding coming up early next year. He has a lot of debt from college and it's a big stress factor in his life. I don't have any debt and make double what he makes. I think he resents that too. I know it's hard for a guy to feel secure when his partner makes more money than he does. I can tell he feels inferior sometimes and I wish he wouldn't. I have even told him that if we elope and forego the wedding that we could use that money to pay some of his debt. I like to think that when you are married you are a team and should address all issues together.

There has been a couple of time where I hinted breaking up and he got very upset and was even crying. How can someone that loves me so much just not know? When we first started dating he told me that his dad cheated on his mom and that it was very hurtful to the whole family. His parents worked things out and stayed together. I think that changed his outlook on marriage. I think he's scared of that happening to him.

I know some men like to be in control of their financial situation before taking that leap. He used to hint about our future together, but after I started putting the pressure on him he completely stopped and even retreats. He doesn't want to break up and now I'm the one who has asked him for some time to clear my head. It has definitely hurt my ego that he doesn't know if I am the one yet.. after two years. Should I give up and move on or give him some more time?

*Undecided

Feelingverydown 4 years ago

Veronica,

   I'm a 26 year old male, going on 27 soon.  I've been in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman for about 6, almost 7 years.  She is 26.  There are some problems, however, in which I really would appreciate your input.  I will try to make this short.  Its a bit of a narrative, but its all relavant.  Since we graduated from college in 2003, I've hopped from one job to the next and i've hopped from one business idea or career idea to the next.  In the back of my mind, however, regardless of all the job hopping and scattered thoughts, I was always set on two big things:  1.  eventually marrying her  2.  trading stocks and making a really good living doing that.  Well, I eventually saved up the money i needed to trade stocks which took me a few years.  I started trading this year.  To make a long story short, I lost most of my money; most of my savings.  Moreover, I lost my dream, my hope in a financially secure future for both of us because I depended so much upon trading as my career and I failed horribly. 

After that devastating reality check and some personal health problems, I fell into a severe depression--for the very first time in my life.  I have always been the socialable happy friendly guy.  I've been like this for at least 6 months, but I feel that I'm slowly recovering.

Heres what's up.  Again, I'm almost 27, she's 26.  We've been together--let me see--it will be 7 years in February 2008!!!  We are NOT married yet.  I feel like a complete loser!  Why?  Because we are not married yet, I still live at home with my parents (although that will change soon cause they are getting a divorce and the house is in foreclosure), and she just deserves much more than this!  why we are not married has much to do with what i told you:  I lost so much money in the stock market and depended so much upon trading as our way out of the rat race and such and such.  I just got fired from my job too! (first time ever being unemployed and/or fired). I fell into this severe depression.  And finally, I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAREER PATH TO CHOOSE!  We are both actually trying to find our way--careerwise.  Four years have passed since we graduated from college and neither of us has a graduate degree, set career, or solid idea of a career direction! We've been asking ourselves, what have we been doing the last four years. Its sad, but not much, at least in terms of building careers. Our future careers or lack of them will ultimately have a huge impact on our relationship or lack of a relationship. We've seem to have lost focus on our individual career directions and the relationship is partly suffering because of it, but I feel that I'm mostly to blame, at least for not living together and being married.  

 I love her, Veronica, very much.  I just feel like a boy in a man's body who's been beaten the hell out of by Reality.  I want her.  I love her so much.  During my darkest moments, hundreds of memories we had together, hundreds more movements, gestures, sounds, and smells of her shot through my memory waves.  I love her more than she knows.   

what should I do?  for the first time in my life, I'm financially and spirtually broke.  She knows this.  She knows my pain and is still standing by my side.  i told her that I love her so much and want to marry her.  I told her that i'm getting out of this depression, looking at graduate schools, trying to decide what career path to go on, trying for a lack of better words, to get my shit together.  I'm willing to do whatever I can for her.  I told her that I want us to move in together. by the way, she lives at her home with her mother. She threw me a curve ball, however, and said that she thinks I should get my own apartment first by myself, show that I can pay my own bills, be responsible, etc.  that seriously hurt me cause I've always been financially stable (till I lost the $ trading)and responsible. I did have my own place when we first met and was paying my own bills, handling things very well all the while graduating with honors! (magna cum laude)  I moved in with my parents years later to save up money for the stock market.   

All in all, I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I love her so much that many of times i want to tell her to leave me, to find somebody better and stronger than me if it would make her happier in the end.  I would rather her be happy, even if that means her being with some other damn lucky schmuck.  But I know that what she wants most is for me to get my act together, ask her to marry me, move in together, and get started on a career path. She should have an engagement ring, a house with me, and a real man (me) who has a solid career, solid mind, and strong spirit. Granted we have had a really great many years together--even traveling in Europe (France, Poland, Germany, etc.) for a month, visiting California twice and so so so much more. I feel, now, however, that I'm taking time away from her, time away from her precious youth, time she could be using for better things.   please help me.

P.S. I'm confident, Veronica, that you will give it to me straight and honest, no sugarcoating it, like you have in your previous responses to others. I highly admire that. Thank-you!

Confused 4 years ago

My bofriend and I have been dating for a year and seven months now. He is 22 and I am 23. I am ready to start my life with him. I am ready to get married, move in and have kids. He says he loves me and wants to marry me. He keeps saying we will get engaged just give him time. I told him how am I supposed to know that. Then he gets defensive and asks me if I want a promise ring and that he didn't know I needed a monatary item to show commitment. How do I know I am not just waiting around and wasting my time on an empty commitment.

Bri 4 years ago

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now. Currently we are both 24, which I know is young. We never intended our relationship to be long term, and seperated a couple times in the middle and went out with other people, but neither of us met anyone who meant half as much to us. Now we have graduated college and I have a fixed job in one location while he accepted a job with a training program, where he moves across the country every few months. He lived with me for 6 months during which he always talked about the future, which house we would get, our values for life etc. Then I started talking about marriage and he backed off, saying he wasn't ready yet, he wanted to travel and to experience life first. I on the other hand want to travel and experience life with the one I love, giving shared memories. I said since we didn't want the same things we should break up and go our own way, which was the hardest thing I have ever done. He however wanted some time to think about things, so I said ok, I could give him that. During this time I have tried to not talk about the future or what plans we would have, which I thought he would appreciate while making his decision. Once I stopped talking about committment or the future, he started again. But I know that as soon as I talk about again he will back off.

As I have told him, I don't necessisarly want to be married right now, I just want to know that it is what he wants and that he will eventually take steps to make it happen, like tell his job to station him in one location. I am fine with letting him travel and advance his career now, but would like to know a long term plan, and he cannot give it to me. The mixed messages he is giving me are driving me crazy, and he makes me feel like I am unreasonable for wanting to know that continuing a long term relationship will get me what I want out of life. Any advice?

eric 4 years ago

Veronica-

After reading your other replies, I think your advice sounds very grounded and honest. My own situation is similar, and I would appreciate your insight.

I am 33 and have been dating a 31 ye old woman for about 13 months now. We just broke up (for the 3 time) yesterday for the same issue as before; because although i know i love her, i'm not sure if i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

We both want to be married and have kids. My career is great and i'll be financially fine, so these aren't issues.

I do love her, and this is the most commited and serious relationship i have been involved in. We enjoy so many of the same things, and have spent this last year together almost daily.

I feel like if I choose to make her the one I will marry, then we could be happy. But the fact that I'm not sure about whether she's the girl i should marry makes me very scared. I don't think I should have to think logically to make a decision about something that should come naturally.

and yes, at my age, I get very scared that she might be the best chance i ever have at happiness, and that if i let this go i'll never have another opportunity.

Well, we broke it off, b/c i could not lie to her and tell her that if we stay together we will definitely get married. I want her to be the one. But i don't want to force anything and end up with a divorce several years later.

I would like to just live with her and see how it works out. But I also suspect that wouldn't be fair to her, b/c I would probably end up feeling just as ambivalent as before i moved in with her.

So, I guess my question is: Would it be wrong to move in with her while I wait to make a decision about marrying her? Do the people in these on-again/ off-again relationships ever end up having a happy marriage?

thanks for your input...eric

Leilani 4 years ago

Hey Veronica,

All of this has been speaking to me quite a bit.... As, of course, I'm going through something similar.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years; about six months ago we decided to move together from Seattle to New York. We had then, and currently have, a really great relationship, i.e. we have a lot of fun together, we are understanding and respectful and share a common set of values. We laugh a lot and spend holidays with each other's families.

Shortly after we moved here though, I brought up the idea of commitment -- mind you, not marriage/wedding/hoopla but just a commitment to each other that we would do everything we could to make it work through hard times or easy times and all times. We had never talked about a future together before that. I was very shocked when my boyfriend said "No, I'm not ready to make a commitment to you". It was a very difficult time to get through, but I understood and we moved forward. I brought it up again, six months later and got the same response. It's really hurtful.

I can't help but wonder if he doesn't have a fear of commitment just a fear of committing to me. He says "I really believe I'll be ready someday, but I don't know when that day will be". How long am I supposed to wait? How long am I supposed to believe him? Am I just fooling myself into thinking he'll ever be ready?

I'm 28 years old, so I'm not old, but I ain't no spring chicken... and to be honest, this "rejection" is making me a little angry and bitter and sowing the seeds of a potential break up. What can I do?

Thanks for any help... I appreciate it.

Leilani 4 years ago

Hello again!

I wrote in a few days ago regarding my "commitment" predicament with my boyfriend. I followed your advice and told my boyfiend that in the near future I would probably leave for a while to let us both think about our needs and our futures. I wasn't pushy or ultimatum-y. He said that made him sad but he understood.

Well, a day or so later, he said he had thought about it and was ready to make a commitment to a future together. That he was really comfortable with that decision and was happy to have spent some time thinking it over.

So, thank you for the advice. We'll see where we go from here. But at least now I can make life plans including him without feeling like a tool. ;-)

Thanks

Should I give it try? or not? 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I’m very happy that I found your website. I’ve been very confused with my current situation.

Regarding marriage, I’ve been proposed since I was 22. (I’m now 28) I turned down some of the proposals because I thought I was too young to get married, and other it just wasn’t meant to be. Several months ago, I was dating this guy, and he was too end up asking me to marry him. But then, I rejected the proposal because I wasn’t sure that he is the love of my life. In other words, if I marry that guy, I would only do it just to fulfill my ‘wedding fantasy’ without even respecting and falling in deeply to the guy’.

Now, I guess I’m experiencing my karma. My life is like a love comedy. Now, I realize that I do want to get settled. Not to be a snob or a bi**h, but I have several admirers. Off all the other available guys or guys who are in the same page with me (i.e ready to settle), I chose to falling in love with a guy 3 years younger then me ( he is 25 years old).

We were click, we have many things in common, we enjoy each other company, nonetheless, we‘ve been together for only 4 months. The thing is we are completely honest with each other. He knows the story of my marriage proposals and he is honest regarding his family background. I should tell you that his family background is urr I could say very unique. His mother divorce three times and currently dating another ‘new’ man. As I was told, my current boyfriend has some ‘issues’ regarding trusting women. I think this has something to do with his family background. So, I never brought up his family issues. But he is very honest with me in telling all his feelings towards his family situation. My parents also got divorced when I was young, but then remarried again and live happily. But the impact on me is that I should carefully chose the right guy.

Please don’t get bored =). Now Im getting to the core of the story. One night we were discussing about marriage. But somehow we get into the conclusion that ‘ I was ready to find that special someone’ .. While he has not even considering to get married. Quoted from him “I don’t know what will happen to me for the next 1-2 years, but I know my self truly, and I don’t think I want to settle in the next following year”. Then I joked “ Oww so its not ‘us’ then and he replied “ that depends when” (whatever that means!!).

The thing is, every time he got the vibes that I want to do the right thing (correct me if Im wrong), that I should not be with a guy who does not want the same thing with me, therefore start creating space between me and him, he comes with a gesture of loving me.

However, when we end up discussing the ‘issue’ again, he said “lets not discuss it because it gonna hurt us both”. I know he loves me.. You can tell when a man truly loves you. He done nothing but trying to make me happy, listen to me, and spend most of his time with me .Ow, another facts is he brake up with his previous girlfriend because he wasn’t ready to commit.

Am I wasting my time? Or it is too young to tell even he already say it to me that the term “marriage” has not occurred in his mind yet? Thank you so much for your time =)

Kind Regards,

Big Question Mark

Big Question Mark 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Thank YOU so much! This is the best advice that i 've received!..most of my friends scrutinizing me for turning down the last marriage proposal.. and they also critizing me that why i should wasting my time with this guy. So the conclusion is just go 'with the flow' with in mind that i should always keep my eyes, heart and mind open so i know when right time to decide what is right for me. Thank you! I'll keep you posted!

Kind Regards,

Big Question Mark

RFox 4 years ago

So it's 1.30am and I guess I'm in the mood to comment on hubs! hahaha.

I just have to say one thing to all the people who are pushing for marriage or considering it just to keep their partner happy: DON'T DO IT!

I was 21 when I married. I have never been the type of woman who wanted 'The Dream Wedding' or all those other girly things. I've always been independant and still can't believe I said 'I DO' so young. I was not ready and it was not my dream in life.

I am now divorced. And yes, I was the one who ended it. My ex was not a bad person. He had a good heart. He did have issues which as I grew up I was not prepared to deal with and that's my point.

People need the chance to 'grow up' before they even consider a lifetime commitment. I knew I was not ready for marriage but I didn't want to hurt my partner. I thought I could grow and change within the relationship and that maybe my feelings would become more solid with more time together. IT DOESN'T WORK. You have to be ready before you say 'yes'. I applaud the guys and girls who are saying they're not ready. They are being honest. And they are certainly braver than I was!

Listen to their words. Even if they capitulate to your demands eventually it will fall apart and it is a difficult thing to go through a divorce. Even an amicable one. You don't want to experience it.

Now at 30 I have arrived at the point where I know who I am and what I want and actually feel that I am ready for such a commitment when the man and time is right. My inner voice was telling me at 21 that I wasn't ready but I chose to ignore it and hurt a lot of people in the process, incuding myself.

You can't rush anyone into being ready. Some people are ready at 21 or some (like me) need to experience more in life to be able to be a fulfilling, committed partner. Let people choose their pace in life and if it doesn't match yours then it's not meant to be. Doesn't mean either party is wrong or unworthy or anything of the sort. As they always say "true love is in the timing."

Another great advice hub Veronica!

arrow sheds 4 years ago

If you have to push a guy to get married, it won't be good.

Lily 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Here I am another woman wanting to get married and wondering what's the deal with my guy??!!!

While I was in college I was never involved in a serious relationship because I wanted to focus on my degree. Once I graduated and got a stable job, I didn't rush it and just enjoyed myself. Two years ago I met the man I am with now. He is and has been wonderful to me. It is a real mature relationship and it was everything I wanted and can safely say we are very much in love with each other.

We dated for a year and moved in together. He was married before and never even slept with his ex-wife before they married, so he insisted that living together before marriage was a way to truly get to know a person. I really didn't have any reservations about living together before marriage. However when we moved in I made it clear that I had no problem doing so, but that I would not have a baby without getting married. This is my opinion and I've told him this from the beginning so that there were no surprises.

The very first day we met I asked if he was ever married and he said yes and that he would like to get married again. He said he enjoyed being married and had no issues even though he was divorced. From the beginning of our relationship he had a very positive attitude towards marriage. After we moved in together he seems to be a happier person, but his attitude towards marriage is more non-chalant. He doesn't say he doesn't want to get married, it's more like when we're ready. I'm ready now, I'm 27 he's 34 and we've lived together for a year and half, it's been wonderful and he's always known that this was important to me. We've both even talked about and agreed that we would like to have a baby soon, but how can I have a baby with a man that I'm not married to? Why would we have a baby if that's an even bigger commitment than marriage? If you're not ready for marriage why would you be ready for parenthood?

I have been told by many family members that he is looking for a ring. He carries a picture of the ring I want in his wallet, his whole family tells me that they know we will be engaged soon. But a couple of weeks ago he said I took away his ability to choose whether we "should" get married. I was highly upset since he knew from the beginning that I wanted a serious relationship because I wanted to get married and start a family. I respect him if he doesn't want to marry again but I was clear that that is what I wanted. If he didn't want that he didn't have to stick around and I would've understood. But now after he claims he's buying a ring (because he's made comments also) he says that. He also said that he wants it to be when it's right for us (it's right for me already, i don't know what's taking him so long) then he says he doens't want a wedding, he's fine with just going down to city hall. I'm not trying to be a drama queen but just because he had a circus of a wedding doesn't mean I can't get so much as a celebration dinner, I don't think that's fair. And if he just wants to go to city hall what's taking him so long to want to get married, if he thinks it's just about the wedding and not the marriage.

To make matters worst, last time we spoke he said he could do without marriage but would do it just for me. I don't know how that sounds to others but I want a man to marry me because he wants to, not to just shut me up, which is what it'll feel like if he does that now.

He's very indecisive and sometimes says things and a week later will say something completely different. I try to not let things get to me and just enjoy what we have now but I dont want to see myself stuck wtih a man who doesn't want to marry me or is doing it to shut me up. How do I know if I should stay and if he does propose how do I know he means it?

RFox 4 years ago

Ditto, Veronica!

Lily 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

thanks a lot for your advice and positive comments. I'm happy to hear that my "puppy" might just be scared. I've thought of that too but we are our toughest critics so I brushed him being scared off and just assumed the worst, that he doesn't want to marry me, and that he's wasting my time.

I will definitely be patient and give him some time, I love being with him and we have a wonderful life together so it won't be hard. Hopefully your prediction will be right and I'll look back and giggle about my insecurity.

confused 4 years ago

*saves to favorites before typing comment*

Veronica, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years in a long distance relationship. I consider our relationship to be serious and we are in love with each other. Currently I am in my senior year of college and I'm 21...my boyfriend is 24 has graduated college and is trying to START his career. He is currently living with his family--not because he's a bum--until he is hired by one of the many jobs he's applied to. Towards the begginning of the relationship (about a year or so ago), he mentioned marriage....there were conversations, which consisted of a future with us...lately, those talks have been diminished....

I am approaching graduation (dec 08) and we are in a long distance relationship, therefore lately I have been wondering what IS the next step. I brought my thoughts up to him and he told me that we should take one day at a time. Being that my insecurity can get the best of me sometimes....I questioned him again, this time wondering if we should look at some states we'd like to live in and find careers there.....in result of that, he feels as if i'm pressuring him to marry me. I brought up to him that he was the FIRST one to mention marriage and lately I haven't been hearing anything about it, which has caused me to wonder if he thinks I am the "one" any more. I don't want to get married now because I am still in college and without a career...it would be completely unwise for me to do so right now. I told him that I am not trying to pressure him to marry me now or in the future, but I'd just like to know what is going on because I'm graduating soon..blah blah blah...I don't want to lose him...I feel that he is husband potential and can see us having a future together until we're old. He reassured me and said he feels the same and that he thinks that my main focus right now should be school and finding a career, not what the future holds for our relationship. He thinks I'm focusing too much on him, but I can't help it...i love this man!!! I kind of see it as him looking out for me because he wants me to graduate college with a decent gpa and land the job of my dreams, but another part of me can't help but wonder if he no longer thinks i'm the one, but doesn't want to hurt me.

The other day he made a comment saying he wanted his favorite singer to perform at our wedding...if we happen to wed each other. I took offense to that because I feel that true love needs no if's....I asked him why he said that and he said and he said "life is uncertain...I love you and I love what we have right now...let's take one day at a time...its hard for me to say we will get married because anything can happen...."......i feel this is complete and utter bullshit because any thing you do in life involves risks...does that mean you say you're not sure if you are going to do it or not? men propose to women every damn day uncertain of whether their marriage will last, but they don't take the ring back due to those uncertainties.........

He told me that I am worrying way too much and I need to stop pressuring him and painting him into a corner as if this is his LAST and final relationship...yet he says that I am wife material and he sees a future...just not now cause we are both too young.....

Could it be that he is the logical one and I am irrational for wanting an answer about marriage when the future is uncertain or am I right for wanting to know if he sees me as his future wife? I'm afraid I could possibly be ruining the relationship with all my questioning, but I don't want to waste my time being in a relationship with someone who doesnt want me as his wife one day. If he were to ask me I can honestly say I can see him as my husband possibly 5 years down the road or whatever? I don't want to get married now...I just want security...certainty...why can't he just say, "I love you and do want to marry you one day?".....

confused 4 years ago

thank you very much for you advice veronica....it could be that i am possibly dependent on him, but not so much to the point that I would sacrifice my career...it could be that i am also insecure and I do need a bit of maturing to do, but it is kind of confusing when someone brings up marriage from time to time, yet when I mention it, I'm the one that is pressuring, when indeed I'm not....we are in a long distance relationship...he on the east coast, me on the south...I am simply just wondering.....what's next...do I not have the right to ask? I simply asked should we relocate to an area in which we are closer....it's not that I'm asking for a guarantee (guess I should have articulated that better) later on down the line..its that if I am going to invest so much time in a relationship with someone who i can see my future with..he should feel the same...

he mentions marriage, yet he contradicts his statements with if's and tomorrow's not promised....maybe i'm buying into the socially constructed concept of "if you know someone's the one....you know".......I am aware that you can't base a marriage or a relationship off feelings of whether someone is the right one for you or not...that's nonsense, that feeling must also be accompanied with similar qualities/morals, compatability.....

Although I have not been exposed to all of life's complexities, I believe I have a good head on my shoulders and I am definitely naiive...maybe I did not properly communicate the issue at hand to you for you to understand exactly where I am coming from. We are in love and I feel he is my soul mate....we have been through A LOT together...we share the same morals and qualties (same religion, both are into saving/investing, music, etc)......this is not some fleeting romance, we do have substance and this past month I have been thinking about it a lot because I WANT to share my life with him in the future....

I thank you for your candid response for you are way more experienced than I...and I am not crazy!

B Girl 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I was hoping to get some of your candid advice on my situation. I've been going out with my boyfriend for 18 months. 6 months after we met, he asked me to move in with him. I said I'd love to, but maybe we should wait until we'd been together over a year, until we knew each other better. I've lived with someone before and it didn't work out, so wanted to be sure we were compatable.

2 months before we were due to move in together, he told me he'd told his mum he was moving out. Just for info- he's always lived at home with his mum. His dad died 5 years ago, and he has become somewhat of a replacement husband. I own my own house, and rent 3 rooms out to other girls. We are both 28.

6 weeks before we were going to move in together, he changed his mind and decided he wasn't ready. I was hurt by this as it was him that was initially pushing it. He moved in with his friend, who lives around the corner from me, as he wanted to be independant. Fair enough, I wanted to be independant too, only i did it when i was 18 for the first time, not 28! But people move at different speeds.

So he tells me we will move in together in 'a few months'. 6 months have passed and now he says he doesn't know when it will be, but he does want to do it 'one day.'

Every 8 weeks or so we are having a blow up about this. I can't help but feel insecure- he wanted to and then he let me down by changing his mind (didn't actually even tell me, I had to ask) he assures me he does want to do it 'one day' but just can't tell me when- even ballpark. He has so many issue surrounding his dad's death- he is scared to commit incase he loses that person, he wants to be 'successful' in his career before he commits, he is scared incase it doesn't work out. He is Catholic and wants to wait 'to be sure' before moving in with someone, as he sees moving in together and marriage as synonymous. I am very black and white about things and think that if he wanted and loved me enough, he would have made a move towards moving in toegther by now, or at least think 'i'll live with mate for a year, and then move in with girlfriend.' He doesn't want to say 'when' incase he feels differently when we get to that time.

I feel he will eventually commit, we have a great friendship, love and passion, but I am findnign it hard to cope with someone who is so vague and unsure about everything. Whatever I read about this, and logic tells me that i am just not the 'one' for him, that if he was sure he would jus tdo it. I cannot decide whether he is just unsure about me, or he truly wants to just give it a bit more time and then definately do it.

We are now having some time apart as I cannot go on living like this- feeling worried all the time. I think that after 18 months you would have an idea of when you'd liek to move in together. I understand that he cannot go on feeling pressured to do it, but at the same time, why should i wait and wait just feeling stressed all the time that he doesn't feel the same way i do?

I feel like i'm screwed either way- if i stay with him, i will always feel worried, and can't help but every 2 months or so get a bit upset becasue we are just 'drifting along'. If he did move in with me it'd jus tbe to please me, so that's not the right thing to do- not that he would, he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to, and rightly so. If i break up with him, I will stop feeling worried and insecure, but i will lose my best friend, lover, and potentially 'the one'. What if i regret it and realise I should've jus tgiven him some more time?

Conversely, he doesn't want to lose me, last week before we went on our 'break' he broke down, had spent the day thinking about all the little things we do together, our bond, little in jokes, and doesn't want it to end, but just wants to keep things how they are for now. I'm afraid I won't be happy if it continues too much longer without some sort of commitment. I think after 2 years if you are not committing, there is something wrong.

Am I being stupid and not reading between the lines that he does not love me enough, or is it a case of giving him time to grow up and do things in his own time? If i do carry on, i think we need some sort of solution in the meantime that will make me feel more secure. We do spend time together, talk all the time, have fun- should this be enough? I just feel like i need some reassurance about the future to carry on, and i knwo if he wanted it, he should naturally be volunteering thoughts about the future. Becasue he's not, does it mean he never will?

So confused!

B Girl 4 years ago

Veronica,

Thank you so much for the advice- you've broken down in a clear way the slightly mixed up feelings in my head and made them into sensible insightful paragraphs!

That is my fear ultimately- that he will change and move on himself, though he does not see this as a possibility right now, I have experienced it with an ex boyfriend (when I was younger, more naive and jus tlet things 'happen' to me- not any more!) and I do not want to go through this again.

You have rightly commended him on his first move to independance- it is a step in the right direction. I only wish he had done this years ago, we may have been on more of an equal footing if he had- sod's law naturally dictates otherwise! I think it is a matter of bad timing, not being at the same stage, at the same time.

The problem with continuing in this manner is the stress and enjoyment factor as you say- how can I live like that? Continually unsure of how he feels about me in the long term. I am not one for living in denial, my personal mantra being one of truth, knowledge, respect and awareness in life. I do see things in quite black and white terms (leaning towards the 'he's just not that into you' mode of thinking), though the idealistic part of me that loves the bones of this man wants to believe love will conquer all- i just can't let myself believe it- as you say, there are too many variables.

We have had a short break, although i think he is not seeing it as anything serious- he does need to realise we have a problem. His apathy to the situation tells me he is not realising the full extent of the trouble we are in. He just wants things to go back to 'normal'. Thing is I think we've gone too far to just go back. At this stage I need a reason to stay. We had an idea about working out a system to reassure me until he is ready, but i'm not sure i'll actually believe what he is saying. I'd be absolutely gutted to lose him (this week i've realised the true meaning of that word- every time i've thought about not being with him, it makes me feel like my insides fall out). If we both started dating again, i don't know if I could handle knowing he was out with other girls. And it would take me a long time to get to the stage where I could date other men, I would still feel too strongly for him. If I stay and he does change into a newer, more independant him, and outgrows me, or I push him away with my sadness, I will be alone, possibly 30, starting AGAIN. If I go, I will not be worrying all the time, but I am possibly giving up something that could be wonderful.

This is possibly the hardest relationship problem i've ever had to deal with to date. There is NO easy solution to this one!

Thanks for you straight forward advice Veronica, it really has helped.

Sweety 4 years ago

Hi Veronica, great website. I found you because I was googling on "Why Men want to get married" I have similar situation in a different context. I'm 35, divorced for 1 yr & my fiance 39. divorced for 4 years with 1 kid. Since the first time we met, he always say that he want to marry me, spend the rest of his life with me, and other all grow old together stuff, future crap things. Everything going great. We get along really well. We can talk on the phone like hours. He is like the man of my dream. I feel like in heaven at that time & thought finally God answer my prayer. He proposed to me 3 weeks after we met. 5 Months after that, I moved in with him, leave my good job, my country, & my family (I know it sound stupid). With something on my mind that we will get married when I'm arrived.

3 Month we together, there's no sign from him that he want to plan our wedding (I am not talking big wedding, just say our vows in front of marriage celebrant) Everytime I asked, he said off course he want to get married, but no action. I was disappointed. Not only because no action from him on the wedding plan, & it seems that he has "amnesia" a lot. Say a lot of things (promise) even a small thing but none is come to reality. After 3 months, I got back to my country to extend my visa. I was staying longer than I suppose to on purpose & was thinking to not go back to him. When I said that to him, he was panic & begging me to come back. He promise (again) that as soon as I arrive he will arrange everything.. Stupid I am, I came back. And things are going back the same like 3 months of hell. He seems occupied with himself and I don't think he even realize that I am there. We rarely talk. I feel like a guest in his house.

This April we will get married. It finally happen because of my initiative. I googling on how to get married in this country. He doesn't care on how it will get done. He didn't get involve at all on all this thing. He just ask me on when is The Date that he suppose to be there & put it on his palm pilot for his reminder like that is the date for him to get a vaccination or something.

The thing is, now I have doubt. I don't want to get a divorce again. I am not sure if I want to get married now. I feel like he doesn't even need me. I am not sure why he need a wife, and now I am not sure if he really love me (even he said that he is). I am not sure what is the reason for him to get married. I asked him all that questions, and he said, he want to marry me because so many reasons but couldn't even name 1.

Do you think I should break this off?

litzitan 4 years ago

id like to know your opinion about my relationship. i am 26 yrs. old and my bf is 32. he is my bf for 4 years now. we talked about getting married someday but i am not sure if he's really serious about it. because he's not saying when to really formally announce it. Last year, he told me that he wants to get married this year but he told me lately that he wants to finish our house first. he is currently processing the papers to build his house but I think it will finish late this year. he told me one time that he is afraid because he doesnt want me to experience difficulties/hardships with me. I understand him but i told him that whatever happens i will be here to support him. Do you think he really loves me? or he just saying some reasons/alibis to postpone the marriage? thanks!

litzitan 4 years ago

id like to know your opinion about my relationship. i am 26 yrs. old and my bf is 32. he is my bf for 4 years now. we talked about getting married someday but i am not sure if he's really serious about it. because he's not saying when to really formally announce it. Last year, he told me that he wants to get married this year but he told me lately that he wants to finish our house first. he is currently processing the papers to build his house but I think it will finish late this year. he told me one time that he is afraid because he doesnt want me to experience difficulties/hardships with me. I understand him but i told him that whatever happens i will be here to support him. Do you think he really loves me? or he just saying some reasons/alibis to postpone the marriage? thanks!

litzitan 4 years ago

id like to know your opinion about my relationship. i am 26 yrs. old and my bf is 32. he is my bf for 4 years now. we talked about getting married someday but i am not sure if he's really serious about it. because he's not saying when to really formally announce it. Last year, he told me that he wants to get married this year but he told me lately that he wants to finish our house first. he is currently processing the papers to build his house but I think it will finish late this year. he told me one time that he is afraid because he doesnt want me to experience difficulties/hardships with me. I understand him but i told him that whatever happens i will be here to support him. Do you think he really loves me? or he just saying some reasons/alibis to postpone the marriage? thanks!

litzitan 4 years ago

id like to know your opinion about my relationship. i am 26 yrs. old and my bf is 32. he is my bf for 4 years now. we talked about getting married someday but i am not sure if he's really serious about it. because he's not saying when to really formally announce it. Last year, he told me that he wants to get married this year but he told me lately that he wants to finish our house first. he is currently processing the papers to build his house but I think it will finish late this year. he told me one time that he is afraid because he doesnt want me to experience difficulties/hardships with me. I understand him but i told him that whatever happens i will be here to support him. Do you think he really loves me? or he just saying some reasons/alibis to postpone the marriage? thanks!

Bgirl 4 years ago

Hi again Veronica,

I posted on here a week or so ago, my problem is further up the board. Well we've had a little time apart to think. Now is decision time. My thoughts were to have a proper break, and date others etc (though this would kill me, and him) or i was prepared to give him until the end of the year, and see where we're at. Not an ultimatum, but just say, 'I can wait this long, and if you're still not ready, I have to let it go'

But he's surprised me by saying that we should just do it- move in together, jump in at the deep end (not that it is so deep after 18 months), get a 6 month rental contract and see how it goes. Could make or break us. I still have my house that I can fully rent out as an investment.

At the end of 6 months we decide what to do. Carry on, and rent again or possibly buy somewhere if it went swimmingly, or break up if it's a disaster.

He finally has pinpointed the reasons he's been so aprehensive, which I knew all along, but he just buried in the back of his mind.

He's scared. Terrified. The reasons about him being scared because his father died and he's scared of losing someone are there, but the main reason is he's scared of the idea of one person 'forever'. And of missing out on the banter with the guys. Grass is always greener syndrome springs to mind...I knew it!

But he said he's thought about it, gone through all the other situations he could be in if he wasn't with me.

Living with his friend has not been all he imagined (surprise surprise). He thought they'd be out for drinks a couple of times a week, and the reality is that they hardly see each other due to work, seeing other friends and girlfriends. I think he thought it would be like being a student. We've all got full time jobs now so it's a bit different. I remember going with my student friends to our favourite cheesy club every Tuesday night for 2 for 1 cocktails, but we don't do it anymore!

So he's realised that the fantasy is better than the reality.

And if he was single, he'd be out with the couple of single friends he's got left, attempting to pull girls again. By the sounds of it he didn't enjoy that too much before he met me. One night stands aren't all they are cracked up to be, he said. Again, big surprise.

So his idea to try living together is what i've wanted all along. Thing is, now it's my turn to be apprehensive. It's not the ideal way in which i'd like to shack up with the guy I love. Wondering if he's thinking 'is the grass greener? What are the lads up to? Am I missing out?'

The grass is pretty sweet from where I stand, except for this issue with him. I've had a few relationships, and I know from experience it can be fun being single, but I always got to a point where I missed being in a relationship. I guess he's not had that, having never actually hada proper girlfriend before. maybe he needs to experience it first hand.

I'm nervous about accepting his proposition to give it a try. I might still be miserable because I don't feel like he really really wants it. He's partly doing it so he doesn't lose me. But like a friend of mine said, you could give him 20 years to decide and he'll still not fully know. You have to put him in the situation to see if he likes it. I think he might realise he does like it- he'll still see his friends just as much, he's a bit of a domestic goddess, and so am I, so he won't be getting annoyed with the boys making the house a mess. I'll be happier and our relationship could flourish. Hopefully. On the other hand it could die a painful death if he feels trapped.

But at least we'll know then. I wouldn't wait any longer than the end of this year anyway, so we'd break up then anyway. I can't say it's how I imagined moving in with someone (in fact i've moved in with a bf before and he really wanted it, so iknwo it's possible) but I guess we're here so maybe we should give it a go.

My instincts tell me it's not quite right, and that's obviously a major red flag. Do you think it's worth a try? Never know, it could save us.

B girl 4 years ago

Veronica,Once again thanks you for replying. I've talked to as many people as I can about this but it really helps to have an impartial viewpoint.I have changed since my early twenties yes. I identify with what you say as I too was a total party girl- the party started on Thursday and sometimes didn't end til Sundays. I travelled, partied for 3 days on top of a mountain in Spain, had the odd one night stand too. I don't regret any of it, I had a blast.I still have a good social life, but now it’s meals out, the odd night dancing on the tiles, instead of every weekend being a drugs and alcohol fuelled crazy-a-thon. I don't live such a hedonistic life anymore. Except for the odd occasion when the mood takes me! I’m left with an amazing close set of friends from those days. I had a trip down memory lane to Ibiza with my friends last year without the bf, he's been away with the boys many weekends away. That’s absolutely fine, but now I’m at the stage where i want to build a life with him as well as have our lives as they are. I wish he had the same urge. I think as he’s always lived with his mother, he’s not ever felt independent. He probably needs to feel he’s had that time standing on his own two feet before he lives with me. I’m trying to be patient and wait for him. I can’t wait forever though, hence the idea to wait til the end of this year to let him stand on his own two feet. That’s as long as I can compromise, it’s hard enough as it is, so that’s how long I’m prepared to feel like this. He’s compromised himself by saying ‘let’s just do it’ which is an amazing thing to do, I’m just apprehensive about it, as he might be compromising himself too much. I don’t want him to feel like he never had that time alone in years to come. It’s unfortunate timing on both our parts. It’d be a shame to throw it away as I think if we can get through this time, I think long term we’ll be great. Currently he sees committing as a very scary thing to do, but you're right he is getting there. It’s not that I don’t want him to socialise, I suppose if i'm honest i resent him a bit. That’s probably what came through in my post. I have re evaluated, I want commitment, definitely. I also want our lives to carry on as they are. It’s the fact he is so reluctant to commit that bothers me, not the way his life is so much. I see him trying to live the single life, with me ‘on the side’. If he had his heart set on making a life with me, and still went out, it wouldn't bother me at all. See the difference? Nobody should stop doing what they want to do for a partner, I wouldn't want him to stop me either, as long as you do have that desire to be with each other as well. I think it’s healthy to have some time apart. Usually it is him who goes on boys nights out, but every 3 out of 4 times, it’s the other way around. Last weekend I went out dancing with the girls and stumbled home at 4am, and he stayed in and watched tv! You're right, you can have a marriage and live that lifestyle. I totally agree, that night I was out with married friends who do just that. It’s getting him to see that that is the problem.I think like you observed, the problem is my boyfriend sees commitment as change-having to stay in, never go out- not have a life basically! This is in his head, and it’s something he has to see for himself, that it doesn’t have to be like that. I can see where he's picked this up from- his brother is never 'allowed' to go out by his wife! I think that’s where he gets his idea of commitment from. That's not what I want for us. Admittedly I do want a slightly more settled life, but what I mean by settled is being sure that he wants to build a life with me, not changing our lifestyle. If he wants to go drinking mid week, he can, but what I meant was, it’s like he wants one more blast at that early twenties lifestyle before committing, not having to answer to anyone, and by answer I mean ‘tell them what you’re doing’ – he doesn’t like the idea of having to tell me he’s even going out, but as I pointed out, he already does that, we speak all the time and live around the corner from each other! Not even many of his friends have that lifestyle so much anymore, so he’s not really gonna get it unless he moves in with students! It’s rare that I’ll go and get wrecked mid week, I’m more likely to go for dinner at a friend’s house, or to the gym. Like I said, the grass is pretty sweet from where I’m standing. I’ve got my friends who have become like a family, I’ve got my independence, I’ve got him. I’m not wondering what it’d be like if I was single. Well except when he tells me he’s so scared of committing! Thing is, he’s already committed! I don’t think he does even want to sleep around anymore either, or even want to drink himself into oblivion every other day; he just is scared of the idea that he won’t have that life again. Just have to let him come to his own conclusion I think that what we have is pretty good, if he decides he does need more of the constant crazy life and to sow his wild oats then I guess we aren’t meant to be. I would possibly want kids in the next 5 years, but not right now. I'd just like to know it was going that way. I think he'll be a great partner and possibly dad one day, he shows signs of it anyway. I still don't think that would mean he can't socialise, or I couldn't either, I'd hope we could still keep living the life we do, albeit I’m sure on a less regular basis. If he could get the single life independent urge out of his system, and get his head round being committed and that it's not all that scary, and he can still have a life, i think we'd be on our way. I don’t think we do want different things ultimately, he’s just having trouble taking the next step so he’s been sitting on the fence, I don’t think it is lack of love that is the problem, but he has a commitment phobia, he’s the same with his job, always wondering if it’s the right thing to do.It makes me think he doesn’t want it enough, and maybe he doesn’t. But I’ve given him a push and he’s suggested taking the plunge, instead of suggesting breaking up. It’s not my ideal way I’d like my guy to commit to me, I wish he just ‘had to have me’, I don’t want to settle for someone who’s not as keen on the idea as I am. I’m not gonna end it without trying my best to work it out, but if it looks like I’m flogging a dead horse, I have to get out. I’ve written an essay! Thanks for letting me bend your ear Veronica, and thanks for taking the time to reply to a stranger’s problems.Take care.p.s. loved the blog posts- very erotic reading!

B girl 4 years ago

litzitan 4 years ago

thanks veronica. you've enlightened me.

mysexxxylady 4 years ago

hi veronica,

i have a boyfriend of 4 years. i can say that i am happy with him but i am confused about a former classmate in college knowing that she a girl too. i admit that i am boyish but i am sure that what i want to be with is a man. but i admit that i admired this girl before because she's really intelligent and nice to everyone. actually she's not that pretty. we were not close but i often notice her staring at me. we never had a chance to get closer. i am not sure if you have the same belief like i do because i believe that you will also feel if you are like by someone you know what i mean. sometimes, i am thinking about her. i dont know whats happening to me.

Tonya 4 years ago

I have been dating my boyfriend for 13 months now. I am 33 and he is 36. We both have been married previously and divorced. I have been divorced for 7 years and he has been divorced for 6 years. Our relationship is great and he just purchased a house to combine our families into one. The concern I have he has told me that his family and friends asked him when we were getting married. He replied by saying that out of all the girlfriends he has had I have the best shot. But when we start talking about marriage it seems like he freaks out. I asked him what he has against marriage and in return he asked me why would I want to get remarried. I explained to him commitment means alot to me. It is nice to have someone who loves you enough to want to be with you for the long haul. Someone to feel secure with and feel like your life is complete. Then I get mixed feelings because he tells me he would like me to show him what type of rings I like but he never indicated what type of ring. This is all confusing to me.

Tonya 4 years ago

Thank you Veronica. He is a great guy and I am sure we will continue to be happy. I was just getting confused on how he was handling things. Thanks for your opinion on the situation.

feelingbluemarch 4 years ago

Okay, so I'm sure my situation is a combination of the above, but I have to say that your advice is great... so I figured why not?

My boyfriend of 20 months has told me that he's not ready to get engaged. He knows that it's something that I really want and he says that he's upset that he doesn't feel compelled to go buy a ring. He says that he wants to be able to give me what I want, but nothing in his gut is telling him he should do it right now. He says that he loves me and he thinks that he wants to get married and have kids (he said he's always seen himself as the type to have a family eventually). He doesn't know why he doesn't want to get married. I've tried asking him. Bachelor lifestyle? Finances straight first? Is it me or us? Etc? But he can't put his finger on it which is even more frustrating to me but I know it's also frustrating for him not to be able to figure it out. (FYI; He is 29 and I am 26.) We were both visibly upset last night. He tells me that he's just not ready yet, but that begs the question, will he ever be ready?

To make matters worse, I moved overseas to live with him 3 months ago after he took a job offer abroad. I now work and live abroad, too and feel that I have given up a lot to make "sure" that we work. The fact that he doesn't want to get married makes me feel badly about myself. If he was SO swept off his feet, wouldn't he want to marry me? There has to be something wrong with me or us as a match, no? Could it really be anything else and am I wasting my time waiting around for something that may never happen? I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and realize that I've made a big mistake.

I joke around and give him ultimatums saying that I'll leave at the 2 year point (4 months from now) if he doensn't propose. He hates the ultimatum but when do I decide - at what point in time - do I decide that I can't hold out any longer? After I've wasted 2 years? 3 years? 10 years? I feel like telling him tonight that he has to make a decision by tonight. I know that may seem unfair, but things shouldn't always be in the guy's control.

Any advice? Comments? Thanks :)

gaye 4 years ago

hi veronica,

my bf and i are together for 4 years, we are both helping our own family esp. financial aspect. he wants to get married this Aug. 2008, i was happy when he told me that but also felt lonely for my family. i cant explain. im thinking of my family but i also dont want to lose him. is this normal? pls. help me.

thank you,

gaye

Andyp 4 years ago

Veronica

i was with my girlfriend for just over 3 years. thanks had been going good, we had had our little arguments and stuff but nothing really major.

a couple of days after her 21st and she turned round and told me the the matching jewllery set that cost me over £200 was not good enough it wasnt what she really wanted for her birthday. she was actually wanting me to get her an enegagement ring bcoz thats all shes been thinking bout since like a year into the relationship.

i know i want to spend the rest of my life with her but i want to concentrate on uni and getting the career i want before i go and do that. i know youve said if shes in that place that why should she wait. but if she really did think that i was the one and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me then should it not be that she would b willing to wait instead of going and trying to get that feeling all over again.

the other thing is is that she believes in soulmates and she believes im the one. if she honestly believes that why would she be willing to throw away a relationship over say a year or 2?

to be honest i want her back but i feel the only way is to get engaged and im not at that point just now. a couple of years but right now no

just wondering what your opinion of the situation is

daisy_ 4 years ago

Hi Veronica. I think you have wonderful insight on relationships and would like your take on a recent conversation I had with my boyfriend of a few months. We somehow got to talking about marriage and family, and he disclosed that he does not believe in marriage because it is unreasonable for people to believe they can stay with the same person forever, and because it would end in divorce anyway. He said people can be committed without being married. And he said he not want kids until he was in his 40s, and he would probably end up with someone 15 yrs younger than him like his dad did. BTW, we are both 28.

I said that it appears I could never fit into those plans, and I did not see the point of continuing on in the relationship if there was no possibility of a future. I know you can't put a timeline on things, but I would like to be married with kids before I am 40. He immediately took back what he said--he said a lot of what he said was not the truth and he doesn't know why he said it. He further assured me that he was happy with our relationship, and he can't predict what he might want in a year or two. At that, I decided to simply live in the moment, see how things go with him, and if I start feeling really serious about him, I could revisit the issue.

But now I am not sure that is the best course, because what is the point in delaying the inevitable? I do not know why he would say those things if they are not true---and if that is the case, there is no point in staying in an exclusive relationship with someone who does not want the same things as me. Alternatively, if what he said was not true, why would he say them? That is almost worse because then he is playing games with me or is not an honest person. Or maybe he was just talking??? He has never been in a long-term relationship before, so maybe if we do fall in love and get serious he would change his mind?? But I don't want to be naive and believe something about him that is not true. Any thoughts?

Zaray 4 years ago

Hey Veronica. It seems like everyone has the same issues but I need to get your advice on my situation (maybe a personal note will hit harder).

Me and my g/f were a couple for a little while when we were 19 years old far away in a nother country in what seems to be another life. We broke up when I decided to move to the US. 4 years later we run into eachother here in the US and nothing felt more right in my life.

We have been together for over 3 years now and it's great. We really get eachother in most ways.

I work very hard and for now make good money but I still rent a one bedroom apartment, I still love to play with my band and enjoy life the way they are.

I back my g/f up completely, she is going to school and works. I pay the rent, I bring a made to help with cleaning and also when we go out at night or on vacations.

Last month we had our first big fight and it was about this subject. I do see my future with her but not in the timeline she sees it.

I am really going crazy thinking about this day and night. She wants to get married soon and probably have a baby before she is 30. I understand that, but I only see myself married at 30 (if I am where I want to be in my career) and a baby possibly at 34-35. I understand that a woman has that ticking clock issues but I also no that as a man I have no clock. I am affraid that I will marry her and then if I wont get to my goals I will always blame it on that.

Until the fight she really didn't do much around the house and I was bitter about that. I also think that for a man to feel better about a woman as a wife he needs to experience that life. So now she started helping with cleaning more and she even cooksa couple of nights a week.

For now we agreed on staying together for 6 more months and see if I change my mind about this. I am afraid I am wasting her time. She made it clear she wants a ring. Anything I am not seing? Am I crazy to feel the way I do? It seems like today it takes a fortune to raise a child in Los angeles, plus I think when you have a kid a big part of your life has to change and most of your time off work revolves around the child. HELP!!!

Zaray 4 years ago

Thank you for the answer, I guess I knew what you would say but still you lay things in a perspective that is new to me.

I think it may not be fair since you only see my side of the coin. I think I will have my g/f read this and she may write you soon.

Again thanks, this page is great, reading other peoples stories helps so much.

virtuallymaggie 4 years ago

I think there are a lot of women out there who are happy with their relationships the way they are, but they start pressuring their guy to get married because they are overcome by societal pressure to do so. Women often wonder "what will people think" if they've been with a guy for a number of years and they aren't married. They take it personally and worry that maybe they are not "marriage-worthy."

Of course, it would be ideal if we women didn't care what other people think--and kudos to those women who don't! But the pressure that women put on each other, especially about this topic, can be difficult to endure for some.

There are also some women who just want to be married! They love the guy they are with and they want to take the relationship to that next level--which isn't always a bad thing!

AW 4 years ago

Even after only two wines (vs 3 martinis) something says it might be a good idea to wait in this case. You need to really want to get married yourself.

pink_heart95 4 years ago

..maybe things wont work out if u will marry the guy.. so its ok to be friends than the husband and wife relationship..!

trsh335 4 years ago

Veronica,

Hi, I have been reading your reply posts on here for a while now and I respect your opinion very much. Right now I am seeking some of your advice for my relationship. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. We began dating in our senior year of high school. Her age is now 22 and mine is 21 soon to be 22. In one week, I am going to graduate college with my bachelors degree. Meanwhile, she has a year long internship requirement for her bachelors beginning in the fall of this year.

We have been arguing alot lately in regards to engagement and marriage. For the past 21 years, I have been coddeled by my parents and haven't had much responsibility. This is all about to change very quickly when I am introduced to the real world. I see this situation and know it will be expensive. Therefore, I want to find a job before I get engaged and married to the girl I love. To me this seems like a reasonable request, finding a job before I ask her to marry me. However, she doesn't see it that way at all.

She always brings up the fact that we have been dating for 4 years, which I hate, because we started dating in high school when things weren't all that serious. I look at the fact that we are both still in our early 20's and don't see a reason to rush into anything, especially if I'm not employed. I honestly think she feels pressure from those around her to get married. She has two siblings that were married around this time of their lives. Also, she has been to a few of her similar-aged friend's weddings which doesn't help her mindset.

Earlier this year in February, we had talked about getting engaged this year and getting marriend next summer. Now it's the beggining of May and she is wondering where her ring is? I tell her that I want to find a job first before I pop the question. She gets all upset and freaks out at me. Apparently, by me saying this, I all of a suddent don't want to marry her. I don't understand, what's so wrong with wanting to find a job before I get engaged and married and then must support two people? I haven't even had to support myself, let alone two people! She says that I am choosing money over her!

It feels like she is literally threatening to break up with me if she doesn't get a ring. This makes me so angry that she doesn't see where I'm coming from and just translates me wanting to get a job into me not wanting to marry her.

I don't know maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that having a job is pretty important! I just don't know what to tell her anymore. If you could please analyze our situation and let me know your thoughts and personal opinion. I know it can be difficult because you don't know all of the details, but please just help me out here. What should we do?

Thanks.

shalani 4 years ago

Really interesting

elizabeth 4 years ago

hi veronica, i would like to seek some advice. My bf and I are together for 4 years now. Infact we are planning to get married late this year or next year. My problem is there's an opportunity for me to work in other country and obviously I will be apart with my boyfriend. id like to accept the offer but I have also second thoughts, I dont want to leave my bf although he allowed me to pursue it and it hurts me because I felt that it's easy for him to let me go. I dont know what to do. i am so confused. pls. help me. thank you

AFD 4 years ago

I am blown away by how specific and thoughtful your advice is. This last one is amazing. You're 100% on target, and you included every angle and possibilitiy. But you didn't just talk. You gave your opinion. I hate it when people ask advice and all they get back is well that's up to you. OBVIOUSLY it's up to the person. But they are ASKING for your advice. Your advice is strong and thoughtful, and i'm really impressed. I wish I had found you before I married my first wife. I only married because she was pressuring me. Of course it didn't work. Of course we are divorced, that was a stupid reason to marry. I used to think she was strong, but I soon saw she was selfish and dependant and pathetic. I'm happily married to my second wife now for 5 months. She is a very independant strong woman, and you are so right. It is so attractive. I look at her every day and feel lucky. Keep up the great work veronica! I am emailing you a question for help I am needing in work related situation.

elizabeth 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Thank you for your advices especially for your time reading and responding all our messages. I appreciate it a lot. Im sorry i forgot to tell you our age. Im 27 yrs.old and my bf’s 33 yrs. old. He also has a stable job. Yesterday, I was able to talk to him regarding this. Before, I was already telling this matter to him although it was not yet confirmed and I’ve told you that he never disagreed on this. Now that it’s absolutely confirmed, I told him the whole thing. I told him that I’d like to take the job but I don’t want to accept it because I will be assigned in the other country and we will be apart. I was a bit surprised by his reaction. He doesn’t want me to go. I asked him why because before it was really fine with him. He told me that he realized that he doesn’t want us to be distant. He told me that he’s not getting any younger. He told me that he knows that I’m not that strong and independent so I should not take the job. He told me I need him and he needs me…

As of the moment, my boss still gives me time to think. I’m still confused.

Thank you V.

whoknows 4 years ago

Dear Veronica,

My boyfriend and I have been togeather for two years. One year ago we bought our first home togeather. I love him very much and until recently saw our relationship becoming more committed. After living togeather for a year, I started talking to him about marriage. He grew up in a shaky home life and many of his friends are divorced, so hes skeptical. I gave an ultimatum, which i knew would be a mistake, of wanting to get engaged by a certain date. He does better with time line and I thought this might give me an answer either way. The date came and went.

He now says that our long term goals are whats holding him back. I would like to stay living near my family. He would like the option of obtaining his PhD and moving for a job. My compromise of him obtaining his PhD and working at one the local colleges is not good enough. He would like to be able to run for senate. He would like to join the National Guard. I think thats ridiculous. He feels that he cant commit to me because he does not want to give up his 18 year old goals. He says hes not ready to get married.

I am 26 and he is 30. I know Im happy with him. We rarely fight. We have fun togeather. I genuinely like him. But this is tearing us apart. I would wait, if I knew there was light at the end of the tunnell. But at this point its looking a little black.

Help!

whoknows 4 years ago

Veronica,

There is a difference between wanting to live near you family and not growing up. I lived apart from my family for 5 years. My grandparents are sick and I moved home to help. I know that I want children and because of the professions we have pursued money will always be tight. Therefore, I will need to work. I do not want my children to be raised in daycare. I would like them to have all the advantages possible. Being near my family gives me that advantage.

I also have goals. Im sorry I did not post them. I am going for my MSW and almost done. My goals are goals I have developed in my adulthood and not some pipe dream that I had at 18. They have been tweaked and changed and bettered as I matured. My point about his is that they have not changed since he was 18. And I am willing to compromise some of those and he is not.

I am in a real adult relationship. So is he.

Ali 4 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I wrote to you about 6mths ago and wanted to give you an update (and ask for some more advice)! :)

I actually had the guts to tell my partner to move out and I had the will power to stand my ground and follow though. I even let a couple of guys take me out and spoil me, got to know who I was and got my self confidence back. I guess I was lucky enough that outcome number 1 happened and he did fight for him (as this is what I had hoped for). He was absolutely devastated at losing me and I was truly shocked (in a good way) at his reaction and then the actions he took in order to get me back in his life.

Do not fear though! I did not let him back into my life easily and I still have not allowed him to move back in with me but I would definately say we are dating each other again. We communicate alot more, he is taking me out and spoiling me, showing me how much he appreciates me and I am just really happy now.

My family are aware that he is back in my life and are supportive as long as I am happy, however now I am facing the problem of telling my friends.

I am really anxious about telling them because some of them have said that "People can't change" and when I have brought up the topic of my ex and that he did something special for me or that I still have feelings for him, they would quickly brush it off by saying "He wont change, there is someone so much better for you out there."

A couple of my friends that know we are dating each other again are really supportive and have been great, but they know him quite well, where as some of my other friends who don't really know him that well, (and unfortuantly for me they probably only hear the negative things I have to say about him as these are the people I vent to when there is a drama) are not going to be as easy to convince!

I know this sounds a bit funny but he is like my 'Mr Big' (from Sex & the City) and I don't want to feel like I am going behind my friend's backs by seeing him. Do you have any advice for me on how I can deal with this?

BONZ 4 years ago

hi veronica,

i've been an avid reader of this site and honestly i cannot help but admire you. im getting married next year but i dont know whats happening to me. I always think of you and i really want to see you. i think im falling inlove with you.

sandra 4 years ago

hi veronica,

i'd like to seek some advice. i am 26 years old and my bf is 30 yrs. old. we've been together for 3 years. Before, I used to know him as a joker esp. to girls, he's like always flirting with girls. Then, unexpectedly he courted me and one thing I was worried was his attitude. but obviously, I accepted him. Because of his attitude I became so jealous and doubtful, When I cannot hide my feelings anymore because I always get hurt, I talked to him about it and he assured me that he changed. But I dont know why until now, I always think that He's still the old man he is. Am I just a really a jealous person? But luckily, until now I havent caught him with other girls, I know that he's faithful though. pls. help me. thank you

Marta 3 years ago

My boyfriend and I, both 28, have been dating for three and a half years. He says he loves me and wants to get married someday but isn't ready now. He says the reason he's not ready is b/c we fight too much and I don't get along with his family. While I might disagree with these two statements, the point is, to me that doesn't say "I'm not ready" that says "I'm not sure you're the one". I don't think my personality is going to change at all, or his, and I'm satisfied that we could live a happy life together. But, since now it is clear that he isn't sure, how long should I stick around before I give up?

Marta 3 years ago

So, I talked to my man... and told him that I loved him, but it was really important to me to be in a "forever" relationship and not something shorter-term. I cried and told him I was thinking about going away for a while to think about things NOT to break up. Just to think.

So today, over the phone on his lunch break while I was crying he said. What do you want? A commitment? Sure. Fine. Let's commit. Let's get married.

It feels so shallow and crappy. When I kept crying he couldn't understand why. Aren't commitments supposed to be joyous? He refused to understand saying "isn't that what you wanted?" "i don't want to lose you" I feel like we're further away from committing than we were even before. I don't know how I feel about being with a man who would react in such a way. Did he commit on the phone over his lunch break b/c he wanted me to be insulted? Ugg. I hate overthinking. I need a vaykay.

Livia 3 years ago

hi veronica,

my bf and i have been together for 5 years now. we plan to get married this year. i just want to ask why is it we always fight considering that we're together for 5 years. still, we cannot avoid arguing. even in the simplest thing we fight. i am confused now, whether we get married this year or we still need to work things out before we get married. i love him so much and i know that he also loves me so much too but i dont know why we always argue on things and fight. the only good thing is that we still end up loving each other. but sometimes it doesnt also feel good. hope you would give me advice. thank you very much for your time

sincerely,

Livia

Ryan 3 years ago

I just went through this same situation a few weeks ago. I miss her very much but she wanted more than I can give at this very moment. I do want her back and iwll certainly entertain the idea in awhile but she has a way of not enjoying the moment and thiking about the future so much. It's EXTREMLY frustrating when you really love the person. I can't tell you how it feels unless you have gone through it yourself.

Nick 3 years ago

So I just did a search on the net asking why I don't want to get married to my girlfriend right now and this was at the top of the list. It's amazing because the original question posted is my exact story except I DO want to get married at some point. It's been two years and I love my girlfriend, I miss her when she's not around, and she still has a glow about her when I look at her. I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm almost 29 and she's 26. For about 6 months she has been bringing up marriage every 2 weeks. It's a weird feeling I get, first I get irritated because it's a conversation I hate having because I'm not ready financially (which might be a cop-out), then I feel an amazing sensation because this girl wants to marry ME so much. I don't want to hurt her and thinking about breaking up is unbearable. I'm at a lost. I don't know what to do. I love her but I might not have the courage to make this right.

julia 3 years ago

We’ve been together for 4 and half years. He’s 32 and I am 27. he’s my first bf and I am also his first gf. I don’t know if these things matter with our arguments. This is our problem eversince. Everytime he wants to go out with his officemates or friends he will always tell me his schedules but he says that he just tells me about these so that I know where he is and I know his schedule but it doesn’t mean that I have the right to approve it or not. He informed me but doesn’t care about my permission. He doesn’t want that set up. Honestly, I don’t want him to go out with his friends more often because I feel that we only have little time for each other. We only see each other every weekends because of our individual work schedule so of course I feel mad if he goes out with others. Actually, I get mad when he tells me that he doesn’t need my approval on those, he just wants to inform his schedule. Is this a good attitude? I got hurt. I felt that I am nothing to him. I don’t know if I am the problem. I don’t know if I am being too much possessive. Because if I have schedule with my friends to go out, I want to ask his permission. If he wont allow me then I wont go. I always do that even if he tells me that its ok with him. The important is that I informed him. I don’t get him. Please advice me. Thanks

Cindy 3 years ago

Veronica, my boyfriend and I are currently on a break and im very confused. we have been together for over a year and I made it clear that in the future I want to get married. He's going into the military soon, and he told me he doesnt want to get married until he's in his 30's or 40's( he's 27 right now). I don't want to be with someone who isnt even sure if they want to get married in there 30's or 40's. What should I do? should I stay and see if he changes his mind? or should I just leave him now? He is my first love, all I want is a future with him.

Cindy 3 years ago

Veronica,

Thanks for being so real about this. You make a very good point, I cant enjoy the present because i'm so focused on trying to make the future how I want it. To be honest, I think he's scared of getting married because in the past in proposed to 2 women and it never followed through. Do you think that is the reason why?

anon 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I've read you fo a while and gathered that you met your husband when you were around 30, moved in together and made it clear that you were moving in with the intention of spending your life together and getting married. What would you have done if he hadn't have wanted to get married? Would you not have felt sad that he didn't feel the same? Would you have waited to see if he or you changed your mind/ stayed with him and accepted the relationship as it was or would you have left him, since you wanted to marry him? Don't have to answer if you don't want, I was just curious!

Jcorrigan 3 years ago

Hi Veronica, I've just found this article as I've been searching for answers to my own questions and I have have found it extremely useful.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years. He's Irish and I'm American and we live in Scotland. We met at grad shcool in Edinburgh and it was love at first sight and moved in together after 3 months. I'm currently back in the US sorting out my third immigration visa so I can continue to live in the UK with him.

He's been telling me for 2 years that he doesn't want to get married "yet". (A word I am growing to really despise!). Since I've been back in the US for 2 months, I've really had time to think about "us". I still want to get married and recently told him this. After a week of "discussion", he now understands my desire for marriage (him, love, children, future, etc) and says he's ready to take the next step. His reason for not wanting to get married was that his love should have been committment enough. I understand love plays a HUGE part in a relationship but I wanted to take the relationship a step further.

I would NEVER want to pressure him. My biggest fear is that he looks back 5 years from now, is completely unhappy and says to me, "well you made me do it". But I feel like I need to talk about the future and do what's right for me as well. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Should I have just waited for him to discuss it with me? I'm almost 28. He is 28. I want to have kids (with him) and have them after I'm married. He told me I'm taking all the romance out of any possible engagement by talking about marriage. But honestly, I feel like I'm talking about the furture and, more importantly, a future with him.

By the way, he and I have a fantastic relationship, very loving and understanding. He's a great guy and I adore him and can't imagine my life without him.

I think I'm just feeling scared that I'm making him do something that he doesn't want to do. How do you know if he's ready? Or if you've pressured him?

Anon 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Yes you did answer my question, thank you. I was just curious really, having read the rest of the board and your blog. Your answer was what i'd expected though. It's reassuring to hear the way others think on this matter, as my boyfriend and I are thinking of buying a place in the next year or so and I don't want to do it unless marriage is on the cards. Not yet, but in the next 4 or 5 years. I'm not dying to get down the aisle, but i love him and believe he is my one, but I do need to know i'm his one too if we're making a commitment like buying a place. I know he believes in marriage and wants to 'one day' but he's not ready yet, and neither am i to be honest. I'm ready for cohabiting, and i know i want to marry him in a few years, but not right now. He's still transitioning and developing, and I need to be sure he's ready for it, and we're both a little further on in our careers and have tried living together and are sure it's all right.

We have talked about marriage before, in moments where we've been loved up with each other, but not seriously. Mostly lighthearted, in a way that to him i think was a romantic notion, not a relaistic possibility in the near future. Weh nwe have talked about it seriously, he's said he's not ready right now but he does want to do it once we've been together a decent amount of time and he's got his business off the ground and we've lived together. Which is goos, we think along the same lines on that. He'll slip in a little hint occasionally (mentioned joint accounts, jokes about rings etc) that says that's where we're headed (not yet but in a few years) and that's fine with me, i don't want it now, just to know that after a certain amount of time, he's thinking it too. We had a few problems over him committing (he was into it, then got scared and backed off, he upset me, we had a break, but now he seems to have grown up and is talking about it without me bringing it up.) The only problem we have now is that I sometimes worry that he'll back off again and that makes me feel on edge and over react sometimes. That's my problem to sort out. I can't help but worry sometimes but so far so good.

We are gonna move in together at the beginning of Sept, into my place and then buy a place together when his business takes off (fingers crossed!) I was just thinking recently that when we do start to look at buying, I need to have that conversation with him. I don't want to pressure him into something he doesn't want, or isn't ready for, but i think if we're buying i need to know it's gonna go that way. If it's not, or he gets scared again, and all those conversations were jus thypothetical, i wouldn't buy a house with him.

Thanks for the input Veronica!

Anon 3 years ago

p.s. I like that you accept things for what they are and don't live in a fantasy world. I think it's great that people can come to this board and see what, i think it's helped a lot of people, myself included reevaluate things and see reality, not fantasy. I've had relationships in the past that were just fun, just casual and no strings, but I always knew we weren't in love, it was just sex, or clubbing, or a holiday thing, and i do have fond memories of those. They ended just fine. But like you i have broken hearts, which I felt terrible about, but had my heart broken twice too, and that has hurt. I wouldn't wish anyone to go through that, but it happens. And they have been for reasons that we couldn't get past, different things, but we just weren't compatable. It's been a great learning experience though, and I don't regret them becasue I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't met them, or learnt what I do really want and what I don't, and learnt to stand up for myself. Even though I still need to talk things through when I have a problem, eg. when my now BF had issues with taking the relationship to it's next stage, I feel stronger, and clearer about things, I know what I can tolerate and what I can't, and what I need and want. And I don't feel bad about that anymore.

fishes 3 years ago

Hi veronica,

I need some advice. So My fiance and I are both 26, have our collage degree, and have great jobs that provide us with good finantial standings. My fiance had proposed to me last year, and we set a date for October 3rd of this year ( 2008) We have been living together ever since the proposal, a little more than a year ago, and things are great.

All the wedding planning is done, and the invitations have been sent out, now my fiance comes and tells me maybe we should wait another 6 months before marrying. At first my natural reaction was to be furiouse, not only is it embarrassing sending out invites, and then telling all of our families, never mind we are waiting six more months, not to menchine its a waist of money..and he waited last moment to tell me..but Ive come to realize I need to respect his opinion. so we sat down and talked.

His parents arnt particularily fond of me, so he figured if we waited they can warm up to me some more, hes afraid of losing his family, but he really wants to get married, also he says we can save a little more money incase emergency things happen..like a car breaks down and he needs a new one or w/e. He said he's not sure if he's just nervouse, or if it doesnt feel right getting married in october..he cant ell the difference because he's never been married. He sais he wants to do it, wheather we wait 6 months or not, but maybe 6 months more is better. We've been together for 4 years already..what do we do..and how do you know if its just nerves, or not right at all.

he said he is not unhappy

Vic 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I am 41, my gf is 31, we have been in a relationship for around 2 1/2 yrs. We dated for 6 mo and then she moved in w me. We both have 1 child. My child is w me part time. After 1 1/2 yr she up and moved out while i was out of town her reasoning was she cant stand being alone. We have continued dating for around 6 mo. I think my house was just to small for all of us and she really missed her things in storage. She has moved into an apartment near by and we have continued to try to make it work. Recently she has stated that she want to be married and she wants it all. I have said i would love to get married eventually and tried to reason w her that we should save money to buy a place together and build a home together and be patient about this. I don't think she wants this, I think she just wants to be married now and I am not ready to jeapordize everything i own over a marriage contract right now unless she is willing to put forthe some effort to build something together. What are your thoughts? I have just pulled the plug w her about 4 weeks ago, miss her terribely, everytime she says she wants it all i shreik.

Vic 3 years ago

Veronica,

Thanks for your take on this and you are right, the trust issue will probably never go away from leaving on a whim. I guess I should have run away then, foolish for holding on. I believe she is a very insecure person and sometimes can be a bit immature. She wants someone to take care of her and her child at any cost. I guess if she would have never mentioned the word marriage, I probably would still be with her and doing my best for her and her child, there is just no justifing marriage at this stage in our relationship. It kinda bothers me some women do not care about the man and only care about being secure in a marriage to fall back on something. Most of her friends are very young and i think this has alot to do w what she thinks she wants. Maybe i just miss the sex and the fact our children are around the same age so it makes a nice ready made blended family that had alot of fun. I will miss that part. It feels good to try to express this to someone....thanks again....

Vic 3 years ago

Ver,

I have been thinking about this alot over the weekend. I have got to stop thinking about all the niceties and conveniences of a relationship for now. I was not willing to yeild to the pressure. I can not say I was madley in love w her for the long haul. I feel angered by this that it is my fault for not being done with this last year w she took off. I have since found out she is already dating. Why should I care about her anyway. I still have a few things of hers she will probably want to get but i am afraid I will be so mad when and if we talk, I just want to tell her to *&&^ off and die. Is this ok to get mad as hell?

Just For Fun 3 years ago

Good advice. I was hoping when I saw this title it wasn't going to be another "just cave in and do what he/she wants" answer posted for the writer's selfish reasons. You answered it perfectly. (And Vic if you're still reading, I agree with Veronica. Someone more interested in security than you is not worth your time)

My cousin announced that he was getting engaged. I could tell he was less than enthused so I asked him jokingly when she wasn't around "So are you getting married because you want to or because you feel like you have to?" He said seriouslessly "Because I feel like I have to." I like his fiance but I think he's making a mistake. Obviously I hope I'm wrong.

f 3 years ago

nice article

Jennifer 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. I'm 24 and he's about to be 27. He has talked about me being "the one" since pretty much the beginning. I am definitely at the point in my life where I want to settle down and get married. I have never really put it out there to him because I didn't want to pressure him. I wanted him to do it when he's ready. Well, just because he's not very good at hiding secrets, I figured out that he has gotten me a ring. He doesn't know that I've figured it out but he's been keeping it in his car, in a black jewlery bag, and I've seen the bag. I know that's what it is by the way he guards it constantly and judging by the changes he's started making. He's kicked bad habits and is bettering himself. He has constantly talked about marrying me and even came out and asked me about a week ago, "If I asked you to marry me, what would you say?"...Okay, the question, he has the ring. I know he's had it for at least a few weeks now, but that's it. Nothing has happened...I know, I'm get way to antsy but he has made no big plans, no plan to take me to dinner, nothing. And he was acting very loving and complimentary and now we are starting to bicker. I know obviously I have no choice but to wait...but what is he doing? He's had plenty of great moments since he's had it to propose and hasn't done it.

Jennifer 3 years ago

Thank you. I do need to just take a breather. And I will keep you posted.

Jennifer 3 years ago

One more thing Veronica,

He's got his eye on a house that we both like and he wants to buy it asap. I really don't think it's a good idea to buy it before we're married b/c we would have to go through trying to get my name put on it afterward. But, it's a house we both really want. I just don't know how to say it without it sounding like I'm pressuring him to get married. Any ideas??

Thanks

B Girl 3 years ago

Jennifer,

Veronica is right, just take a deep breath and wait. He's got the ring now, he wants to do it, it's just a matter of when. You've been with him 2 years, a little longer won't hurt.

I can't tell you how lucky you are to have a guy who wants to marry you and is taking all the steps by himself to buy a house and marry you. I'd kill to be in your position!

In the meantime just be you, and act how you normally would, do the things you always do. That's obviously why he loves you and wants to marry you.

I have a few good guy friends, and one of them proposed to his live in gf (also a good friend of mine) a couple of years ago. They got married a year ago and it's their anniversary this week. He told me he was going to propose in the November, got the ring in January, and didn't actually propose until her birthday in May. for a couple of the months in between, she rang and emailed me quite a bit, thinking he was going off her and worried that their relationship would end. He had gone quiet from time to time, she said, and things seemed different. On the other hand I was talking to him, and I knew the reason things were 'different' was because he was thinking about proposing and going through all the emotions of making that commitment. There were times he was scared, worried, but then excited and committed. It took some time before he did it, but he'd planned it all out so it'd be a special surprise on her birthday. He'd bought the ring way in advance because he got it specially made.

So through the months she was stressing out, thinking he was going to end it, I knew what was really going on and had to just keep reassuring her that everything would turn out ok, and not to worry, but I couldn't tell her any more than that!

Just wait, he might have planned something liek that, a surprise trip or to propose on a holiday or birthday or something.

Enjoy it! All the best to you:)

Jill 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years. My bf and I live together and are very happy. He has been wanting to get married for the past 5 years and I kept putting it off. We picked out a ring this year and now I am getting very nervous about getting married. If we are happy and nothing is going to change, why am I so nervous about it? I wonder if it's because I never dated anyone else (since we've been together most of my adult life) I think the only solution is for me to move out but when I think about moving out I get so depressed. I am afraid of losing the best man I've ever been with but why is it so hard for me to say I do? I don't think it should be this hard. My friends and family say to just do it because we are so compatable and it's like we are already married but I think I should be feeling more excited about it? We broke up for three months 5 years ago becuase I didn't want to get married, and I was miserable. We got back together and now I still don't know what to do. It's not fair to him to make him wait, he's a good man who deserves better.

Jill 3 years ago

Thank you Veronica for your response. I do agree that I should see a therapist, hopefully it will help.

Kika Rose 3 years ago

Do you do a dating-advice blog or something? Or was it just a random question some guy asked you? Because I have a similar problem, and your answer was very well put, so I was hoping I could ask you. If not, can I ask anyway? :-P

Kika Rose 3 years ago

Okay.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years.

That's a pretty long time, all things considered.

He wants me to move out to California to be with him. I'm all for that. The faster I can get away from Minnesota winters, the happier I'll be. I have no problem moving out there to be with him.

Except, now he's talking about marriage. And that scares the crap right out of me.

I mean, I'm only 18; he's only 20; we have a 1.5 year age difference. I'm not ready to jump head first into anything that serious at this age. I'd rather wait until I'm, oh, 25 before I even think about that kind of stuff. But he's so sure we'll make it, that we'll be perfect, that it almost makes me want to hide under a rock for the next 10 years. I love his stupid butt to death and all, and I'm not against marrying him, just Not Right Now.

It's confusing and confounding and confuddling and it's making my brain scream all sorts of lovely things. I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

Got any advice on that?

Kika Rose 3 years ago

I will. Thank you so much. Y'know, you should consider writing an advice column for a newspaper. You're very helpful. ^_^

Yenzz 3 years ago

I already with him 1,5 years but I never thought to married that fast. I still wanna enjoy my free life and keep working like this. I dont mean that I dont wanna get married someday but please not now. I can't imagine that I am married now and just stay home caring my kids. I really can't for this time.

Maybe some girl just worry if her boy friend will leave him someday.While He said that he will never leave her or whatever but who knows what will happen tomorrow? But think that if he is yours it must be yours.

Anon 3 years ago

My guy friend has been with his girlfriend for around 2 years but they've known each other since they were 6 (he's 28 now). For as long as I've known him he has said he will never get married. A few days ago he told me he's engaged. I asked him how he could say he never wants to get married one day and be engaged the next. Basically his response was he loves her, wants to be with her and didn't want to get married but he guesses he's come to grips with the idea. He also said that if she didn't want to get married then he would not have proposed. He also admitted that he has feelings for someone else.

Anon 3 years ago

Thanks for the input. I never really thought about it that way...maybe he has matured. He still says that he doesn't want to give up his single life and freedom.

What about his feelings for the other girl? It's more than just lust. He's been seeing her longer than he's been with his girlfriend. He was with her less than 2 weeks ago.

B Girl 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I wrote to you months ago when my bf and I were having some problems. The messages are further up the board. I really appreciated you advice and it helped me when I was going through that.

So we moved in together, a couple of months ago, and it's all going really well. In the months after that turmoil we went through he seemed to relax about commitment, we had a few months living apart after that, looking at places to rent on the net and getting used to the idea. He actually seemed enthusiastic.

We decided in the end to move into my place together- I couldn't really move out legally (without getting a buy to let mortgage which cost thousands to change from the one I have) and it seemed the easiest option. He had originally said he didn't want to do this as it would be 'living under my wing' but then when it came to it, he had forgotton he'd said this and suggested it himself. Confusing, but he'd said it at a time when he wanted to live on his own. When he was moving out of the family home for the first time, so I guess he wanted independance which is understandable. Since he suggested it again, that's what we did.

He seems to have chilled out about it all. When he moved in we cleaned out the house, rearranged stuff together and made him a study to work in. He's talking about relandscaping the garden. He's mentioned buying a house together when his business takes off. He said the other week that I am more than a girlfriend, I'm his partner, lover, friend. Things between us are great.

I'm writing again as there are things that I've held onto from that tough time. Six months of hearing, 'I'm not ready, and I don't know when I will be', 'Maybe if I was away from you for a bit I would realise I wanted to live together', 'I'm a free spirit, I don't want to have to tell you when I'll be home all the time.'

Phrases like these reverbarate around my mind in those dark corners. They hurt. I was in a dark place for a while. I was ready to commit and I was with someone who was shutting me out. Sometimes the things he said come back to me and all I can do is wallow in it for a while, cry and then let go again. But they come back time after time.

I want to let go of that, but there's comething that worries me- what if he does that to me again, what if he gets scared again? The fear won't let me let go. I'm not very good at forgetting things that hurt me. I wish I was. I've always been this way and so is my father. I can't talk to him about it becasue he hates bringing up the past. What I'm really asking is, how, after you've been through some heartache with someone, do you let go of the pain?

North of Everywhere 3 years ago

Hi Veronica

I have just read the whole of this page and i'm really impressed by your realistic and logical advice. Looks like you've struck a chord with quite a few people, me included. Can you spare some more advice?!

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and have a bloody great life together. (I'm 25 and he's 32.) We have owned our own house together for 2 years and lived together for a year before that. We have good steady professional incomes (think social worker not doctor!) and as we're from the UK our student debt isn't too bad. Our relationship just keeps getting better and we've really supported each other in achieving some great things. We are very in love.

And compared to all this my question seems so trivial. After we'd been togther about a year he mentioned marriage, but wasn't sure if he believed in it all, etc. As we had not been together long and I was quite young I didn't think too of it - I was flattered and we talked more about our future together. After we'd been together 3 years we talked about it some more and he asked me about what types of rings I liked and told me all about what he wanted the wedding like. It became quite a regular discussion and I even mentioned it to friends and family, which in retrospect I probably shouldn't have. Soon after he started talking about it he started to come up with reasons why it wasn't such a great time/wasn't right - money usually, but sometimes really odd things like the fact that i'm a feminist and he's not sure how marriage sits with my ethics! (I told him that was for me to decide!) That really felt like he was clutching at straws and it really hurt. Now it has become the only ugly part of our relationship. Our other future plans haven't changed, if anything we've become more committed. (We've found out that my chances of kids aren't as good as they could be so are looking at kids in 2-3 years rather than 5-6 as we'd planned. He has been really supportive with all of this.)

Should I be bothered at all by this marriage stuff? I know I am, but i'm not sure why. I think maybe because all the changing attitudes he has on a marriage actually feel like changes attitudes he has towards me, regardless of whether they are or not. Should I forget the marriage thing for good?

confused 3 years ago

So here I am reading all of these comments and I can find myself in many of the comments.

My bf and I have been together for more than 10 years now, living together in an apartment for more than 8 years. When we started dating he kept looking at me saying: "five years and I'll marry you". I was 19 back then and didn't take this very serious. I finished school, lived abroad and returned, we moved together and I got a job so I thought OK, this is the time to make promises come true. I proposed to him (oh yes, I did!) and we decided to take things slow. Two years later, I didn't push but thought we might get serious and talk about what each of us expected and wanted from a wedding. But we just talked, never made any serious decisions because I felt in these talks that he didn't want to get serious. I waited and waited and waited and at some point started asking what exactly he wanted from life, where he sees himself in the future. His answer was that he'd like to have a family, be a dad someday. He didn't mention marriage and I foolishly didn't ask.

Through the years all our friends started asking when we'll get married, when we'll finally have kids and after I had been honest for a while saying we can't decide. Honestly I believe if he said, let's go, I'd be ready to say I do right away. But I feel like he just doesn't want it, not now and probably never.

Since this is such a tough thing for us, I stopped really talking about it. I tried really hard to let go of it realizing that I might not ever get married but it still keeps bugging me.

He just bought a house and desperately wants kids. I told him jokingly and seriously that there won't be kids without a wedding. Unfortunately he doesn't respond to that or any other comments about this topic. He never said "I don't want to get married" straight in my face but commented like "these days you don't have to be married to have kids" or similar. I've never wanted a house or kids but I'm willing to compromise for him. How come he can't compromise for me? Then again, do I want marriage on the basis of compromise? Don't get me wrong, I don't need the big wedding and white dress, I just want my shot at happily ever after. I can't imagine ever getting married to someone else so I'm trying hard to figure out if I should let go of the marriage idea or if I just tried the wrong things. Also I'm worried because with this we keep blocking eachother for our future plans, I think.

I really hope you can help this confused person too.

extremeanes_007 3 years ago

I think that when a guy says that he loves and wants his girlfriend and sees future with her, but at that particular time he is not ready to marry her is OK, because I am very young but I have been with the same girl for 4 years, I love her very much and she means a world to me but somehow I know that I'm not gonna be rady to marry her in the next 10 years or more because we are both goal setters and I think that it's more important to build up a career than getting married, if she's ready to be with me in a realtionship for that time I'll love her forever, but if not I guess you have right when you say guys are looking for the right time and girls are looking for the right guy, if metting married is all she cares about then she's not looking for the right guy, she's looking to get married,it is so stupid when you can enjoy relationship and be with someone you truly love!

Martin 3 years ago

well welll well, after reading some of the advices here for some question, i am tinkin, like"geeze" well for me , i dont think i am gettin married. b'cuz , my parents , infact , my whole family is against every girl i know ,, and i told them "i am staying single" and no one can change my mind, u know what will b amazing , if someone can get me to change my mind, well we know for a fact that , there is no one in my family, and as for friends, i dont hav any, so , gettin me to change my mind is a gud challenge!!! :) Blesss!! :D

anon 3 years ago

@extremeanes_007

When a girl thinks she's found the right guy, and she wants to marry him, it doesn't necessarily mean she 'just wants to get married' (to anyone). She wants to marry him. And if he doesn't feel the same, that hurts.

When you know what you want (and by that I mean marriage to that person) and the other person can't say they want that, that is hard to deal with, so she may leave. It's unfair to ask her to wait for 10 years (!!!) if she is ready to commit to you NOW. It's too hard for her. That is something that you need to understand. If you aren't ready to get married that's fine, but you need to understand that she may truly love you and because of that she's ready to marry. I've met a few men with the your attitude and i'm not saying it's wrong but try and look at it from the perspective of the person who wants to get married. Why should they just wait and wait for the person they are with who can't tell them when they will (if ever!) want to get married.

If you truly loved her, you would be able to talk to a girlfriend about it and perhaps compromise instead of making her wait and wait. But I wouldn't say if she truly loved you she would wait, you need to communicate with her about it, not just make her wait.

If you are both happy to wait 10 years, then that's fine of course. You might feel differently when you've built up your career, you might be ready for it then and understand how it feels when you want to get married. It doesn't necessarily mean you 'just want to get married' when you have the urge- it may be that a person thinks they have found their 'one' and want to marry that person.

Hope that makes sense!

ModerateInAllThings 3 years ago

I don't see marriage as the be-all and end-all of relationships. It's one way, but not the only way, of being in a committed and loving relationship.

I've been living with my boyfriend for 11 years now, and we have a 3 year old son. Marriage isn't really important to either of us, what is important is our love for each other and our son.

TravelMonkey 3 years ago

I know plenty of people who do not feel the need to get married, take away the white wedding and the girls won't be half as keen.

Wendy Juniper 3 years ago

TravelMonkey- funny your should say that, I'm the exact opposite, i want the marriage, not the wedding. I never played dress up in a mock bridal dress when I was little, or anything like that, I didn't even think about getting married until a couple of years ago when i felt my current bf is the 'one'. I'd be quite happy to just go off on our own and get married somewhere low key, it's my bf who wants the big do! We're not all shallow, you know.

no one 3 years ago

i have question not a comment its for a project >but why do people get married when they know thier not ready. Its very complicated to understand but alot of people are doing it and then getting a divorce.

Lisa, Phoenix 3 years ago

This site just made me realize I'm getting out of my relationship. We've been together for 5 years. We lived together for a year (we were soo young and the house had other roommates that made for mad drama!). So we left that sitaution. Now things are great - I've graduated college and working and feel like I'm ready to be an adult with marriage and kids. He's still in school getting his MBA and it's becoming clear that he's no where ready to do that yet. I don't mind waiting for him, but he can't even discuss the future now without having all these bad memories about when we did live together 4 years ago. And now it's becoming clear that he's going to be more of a career man than a family man. And basically when he does get married and have kids, it will be like I'm a single mom and he'll be gone for wok 90% of the time. And I don't want that. So come January, heartbreaking as it is because I love him so much and had high hopes for us, we're just going to be friends and I'm going to look for someone with the same interests as me - the same family values and someone who's ready. Think that's realistic to find?

Wendy Juniper 3 years ago

Hi Lisa,

I think you're brave for realising it's not what you want anymore. And yeah, I think it's realistic to find someone like that. It might take a little while but if you look you'll find it.

The fact he can't discuss the future is worrying- especially after 5 years. If I was you I'd sit down with him and say exactly how you feel and make him realise you are serious about what you want and if he still won't discuss it you know you need to make the break. What's the point if he won't even talk about things?

I had a problem a year ago with my bf, he wouldn't talk about the future at all and I felt like he was keeping me at arms length. He wanted to move in together, marriage etc 'one day' he said but wouldn't be any more specific than that and wouldn't talk about when he might want to do that. I knew I wanted to do it in the near future, and the fact that I felt like I was left hanging, not knowing what he wanted told me that he didn't know himself, and if he didn't know, that wasn't enough for me. It was too painful being with someone and wanting more, and not him not knowing. He wanted me just to wait and wait until he wanted to discuss it, and that could have been years away for all I knew. So I decided that wasn't for me, I KNEW so clearly that wanted more than that from a partner. So I initiated a break. Gave each of us time to think. And at the end he had got so worried about losing me, he'd realised he was being immature by refusing to discuss anything.

Then it was HE who suggested moving in together. I had some reservations as I didn't understand how someone could do a complete 360 and change like that. We talked about that for a while and started looking for somewhere and in the end we moved in together. I still get scared sometimes he'll revert to that person he was but every time I get worried he does something that shows me he's ready to be a partner. He's far more open about the future and although he's not propsoing or anything, we've at least talked about it and how we would like things to be. I reckon in a couple of years when his business has taken off and we've bought somewhere together, that'll be the next thing we'll do.

So what i'm saying is, although there's been some bumps in the road, because I stood up and said, 'the way things are isn't what I want', he stopped being beligerant and immature and started talking. Maybe try that and if it doesnt work, you know it's not right.

Jennifer 3 years ago

I dated my boyfriend long-distance for a year. I was becoming insecure about his commitment and admittedly a bit too needy, and brought up my interest in getting married and having kids. I realize now I was too quick to bring that up; perhaps I should have just opened the conversation by asking him what he saw for our future. Anyway, it didn't go well, and he said he thought we needed to spend more time together (especially in light of my insecurities and how I was acting out somewhat) and that he was happy with the way things were and needed to see if we were compatible. I ended the relationship in haste, but now wish we could start over. I see that I wasn't really listening to him. He says he's unsure because he already knows what I want and is afraid we'll find ourselves in the same spot where I am ready for more and he is not, and that everything will get dramatic and emotional again. Also, his sister is going through a divorce, which is making my less comfortable with rushing into anything. He also feels like he'll have to walk on eggshells on the subject of marriage to avoid finding ourselves not on the same page again and all the drama and emotion that entailed.

I'd like to try again -- we had wonderful chemistry -- but at our age s(37 and 38) it seems like a bad idea.

Any thoughts?

Jennifer 3 years ago

Thanks, Veronica. Your response is really helpful, and I'll give it some thought because I'm not sure what I want. On the one hand, I miss him and enjoyed what we had togther and think it ended too prematurely and would just like to be with him again in the present here and now. On the other hand, there were some legitimate (I think) reasons for my insecurities, such as his comfort with letting a couple of months go by between visits. Certainly, when I was thinking that we were on the road to marriage, that was very frustrating. I expect that, in taking marriage talk/ideas off the table, I would be less antsy about when our next meeting would be because I wouldn't be looking to his desire to get together as a sign of whether he was on the road to marriage or was committed to me. But I'm not sure.

livelovecoffee 3 years ago

I love this hub - I was trying to make it through all of the comments but it became a little too much and I get easily distracted so I didnt want to lose my thoughts.I have been in this position, seen this happen and watched both ends to this story unfold. Unfortunately, many girls grow up dreaming about a lavish wedding that is needless to say perfect! Where most guys don't really entertain this thought (or really start) till their twenties - this is kinda - sorta - think about it. So that would mean girls on average have a huge head start so getting married can only be a wish for long before you get tired of wishing are ready for something...anything to happen. That is typically when a wedding takes hold over the marriage part. Not the best thing but very common.I could go on forever about this, but I will stop there. EXCELLENT POST!

al 3 years ago

hi my boyrfriend and I have been dating for 3 years...I want to get married and he says he's not ready...he's 22 and I'm 21....do you think this makes a difference?...he's also VERY reluctant to talk about it ..or even say that'd he'd want to get married in the future....right now i'm in limbo, and i'm really upset...but he just keeps trying to hug and kiss and tell me he loves me till i don't want to get married anymore...this is crazy because we are bestfriends and i love him as a person and i don't want to break up, i can't stop thinking about him not wanting to get married MEANS.

Sonick 3 years ago

Veronica,

Let me start by saying I am so glad I found this page. You have given some awesome advice in these previous posts.

The reason I found this page is because my girlfriend that I have been with now for a year has been in my opinion pressuring me to get married. I turned 23 this past September and she is 24 turning 25 in April.

I want to start off by saying I am not your ordinary 23yr old. I moved out of my parent’s house when I was 19. I have been living on my own for 4yrs now paying my bills and my way through school. I have decent job, I am a commodities broker and I am pretty good at what I do. Before my current gf I was single and living up life for over two years. When I found her, I finally decided to slow down and commit myself to her. This past year with her has been great, she is my other half. I am at my best when I am with her, at least she makes me feel that way. For the past couple of months we have been talking about our future. I knew about 6 months into our relationship that I wanted to marry this girl one day. She asked me where I saw us going and I told her sometime in 2009 I want to get engaged. She was ecstatic. I told her the first thing I want to do is get myself in a good financial situation before we take that step. She was fine with that at the time. Then about a month later she told me how she felt she was getting old and how her biological clock is ticking and she thinks she is never going to get married. And she is sad because she has no idea when or where it is going to happen. She likes to be in the know on things and it kills her she doesn’t have anything concrete with this. I asked to just be patient with me and give me time to get my ducks in a row. Now here we are, the New Year has just started and she is sad. Why? Because she thought I was going to propose on New Year’s. I didn’t obviously. She brought up that we both come from the Hindu faith and it is kind of frowned upon when to people date as long as she and I have and not at least be engaged. She also said she feels it’s just “never going to happen” that she and I will just be “dating” for a long time. I keep asking her to be patient with me but it seems that she can’t. How do I respond to her actions? I could go buy her a ring right now but it would put me in a bad financial situation. I tell her that all I need to do is just build some more cushion under myself and then we can go forward. She doesn’t seem to like that. She says she needs reassurance and that when we get engaged she will be okay. She says the longer I put it off the less likely it is to happen. She is getting pressure from her family to hurry up and get married. I think they are the ones telling her she is getting old and filling her head with nonsense. I have talked to my family and they are all for me getting married if that’s what I want to do. They think I should finish school first. But whatever I decide they respect. I don’t want to lose her and I also don’t want to put myself in a fragile position financially. No one pays my bills but me. How do I handle this situation without being an insensitive prick? Again this is the girl I want to marry I just need things to be right on my end before we take the next step. What do I do! Help!

Sonick 3 years ago

Thank you Veronica for the advice. And thanks for the prompt response. I will try what you have told me and see how it goes over. What should I do if nothing changes and she is still the same way?

Jennifer 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I am 23 and my fiance is 26. He proposed to me in September and I said yes. I love him very much and I know he loves me also. I was absolutely sure I wanted to marry him when he asked me but now I'm not so sure. I'm really confused. We are very compatible in a lot of ways but here's the issue. We are happy I would say 80% of the time and when we are it is utopia for us both. But, when we argue, we cannot argue civily (if that's even a word) He has an anger problem to where it doesn't take a whole lot to set him off and he cannot control how angry he gets so he gets ridiculously mad at the smallest things. I cannot stand it. He says I provoke him and when we are arguing, we do not communicate well at all. He says pretty mean things to me. Afterwards he always apologizes alot and says when he gets like that he can't control it that it just comes out. I love him very much and am always excited about marrying him but when we come away from an argument, I feel less and less for him and alot of times think to myself that I don't want to marry him. I've always thought of marriage as a sacred thing due to my parents divorcing when I was young and I always said that I will never get a divorce and I've told him this and he says he feels the same way but I just don't know if we will both be happy years down the road when we get married. Any suggestions?

Thanks

Rebecca 3 years ago

Well Google brought me here, the comments have been interesting...

I think my situation is a lot different from everyone else's. I've been with my boyfriend for four years. We have a significant age difference, I'm 29 and he's 47. Odd as that may sound, we have a tremendous amount in common--we love football, old movies, the Beatles, etc. We spend a lot of time together, I'm at his house four or five days a week sometimes.

I'm working on my MA, and he has a full time job, so he has more money than I do. He got flooded this summer, so he's quite broke and complains about it quite a bit. I keep telling him that it really bothers me when he says this, because he usually is helping me keep afloat, and the only way I can help would be if I moved in.

Problem is, is my cat. I love my cat and have a responsibility to her. He likes cats, but does not want the fur in his house. His ex-wife has a dog and the dog was destructive and shed a lot. I asked him why he had the dog then, and he said it was one of those things you do when you get married. BUT, he does understand that I would not give up my cat under any circumstances. We are both stubborn and even though he's not wild about it now, I believe he would eventually give in because he will realize it isn't worth it to lose me over the cat. (he's pretty logical, being a Virgo--I'm a Libra, on the cusp of Scorpio as well, which makes it fun)

Another problem is that he has been married twice--once at 20, he married a girl he had a long correspondence with, had a child, and divorced within 18 months. Not a great marriage, not a good reason to get married. The second ex he shouldn't have married either--he got her a small ring, not to say "let's get married" but "I really like you and let's see what happens" and she took it as "let's get married". This was three months in, mind you. She was also my age, and he figured at the time he couldn't go wrong.

They eventually split because while they get along well, there was a lot they didn't have in common. I must also confess he and I were talking at the time, but things had been quite bad for them before I came along--they hadn't had sex for two years before I ever came into the picture.

After all that, he's obviously REALLY against the idea of getting married. I can't entirely say as I blame him, but I keep trying to point out logically that he can't base everything about being married off of those experiences--he's a different person now, and I'm different than his exes. He also is around a lot of guys he works with that aren't entirely happy in their marriages, and I don't think that's helping one bit.

I've made it clear that I want to move in and I want to get married. He raised a son for quite a number of years (not with his first ex, he made some mistakes when he was 18-22!) and so post divorce (2005) was the first time he'd lived alone since 1991.

Truthfully, our relationship is really great right now, better than it's been, and it keeps getting great. Our sex life is dynamite (so much so I don't talk about it a lot because it sounds like I'm bragging!) We can communicate honestly about everything and especially sexually. (the biggest problem in both of our previous relationships). We have common interests, but separate ones too.

I want to get married because I think that since things are so good, and they keep getting better, that getting married would make it better as well. After looking around online tonight, I'm starting to rethink the living together before getting married thing, because I don't want to spend more of my life waiting to see what happens. (I did that with my last ex.) I also don't want to increase our chances of divorce, and I don't want to live together without a firm idea in place of what it will lead to.

I'm not sure what to do. 98% of the time, I'm very happy. But then someone will say they are engaged, or I start thinking about how I'm almost 30, and it gets to me. I don't want to give him an ultimatum--I told him what I would ideally like (move in at the end of my lease this summer, engaged when I graduate with the MA in 2010) but I told him that I didn't expect those things to happen, but I wanted to be honest about would I would IDEALLY like.

I also hate the idea of walking away as a form of forcing a commitment. I know he does miss me when I'm gone; I had all night classes last semester and he missed me terribly. (as did I) The other thing is that as cliche as it sounds, neither of us would date anyone else again if we split. For one, he's just getting older and would have a hard time meeting someone who was as compatible as me, and in my case, he is so utterly the right one for me, we are totally soulmates, corny as that sounds. We would really be just wrecks alone without each other.

I don't know where this leaves me. I try to live in the moment, and enjoy what I have, and like I said--98% of the time, I'm very, very, VERY happy. But then I think about finishing my degree, getting older, the years passing--I've told him I won't wait around for ten years or anything crazy like that. But it's been four and while I understand his issues, I don't know how much slow change I can deal with, logistically. He has said he doesn't want to live together at the moment, but he is more amiable to the idea than he used to be. He says he doesn't know of any good reasons to get married. I don't like calling him my boyfriend--he's hardly a boy--and I want to be his wife, I want the commitment. I don't even care about a wedding, we can get married in the backyard for all I care. Basically, he says right now he doesn't want to get married, but he also said that he can't honestly say he wouldn't change his mind at some point. I also think that me not working full time, being rather poor, and my student loans have him nervous as well.

Phew, that's a lot I put out there!

I suppose the question is this: at what point do I realize that I'm "wasting" my time? (I don't think of time with him as wasted, but in the grand scheme of things.) We really are wonderful together, we have an open, honest relationship and I really feel we are meant to be and I'm so happy and thankful I have found him.

Ack! So much stuff...part of me wants to just continue the way things are, keep my hopes of living together and getting married to myself (as I often do), and part of me wants to pull the bitch card and threaten to leave, but I don't know if that would do more harm that good. I did tell him that I have thought of doing that, that I don't want to, but the thought has crossed my mind. (Like I said, we're very honest.)

Sorry for the book...what's your take on all of this?

Rebecca 3 years ago

Oh, I flat out told him that he was using the cat as an excuse. :-) I know he knows it...I'm not dumb!

I suppose it does sound silly to say we wouldn't find anyone else, but I know in my heart anyone else I found would automatically be compared to him, and that isn't fair to anyone new. He likes younger women and the odds of finding someone who has things in common with him aren't great either.

As for the met when he was married thing, that is one thing that I will say he's been very committed to me about. Though we have both cheated in the past, we have discussed it extensively and I really have zero fears of him doing the same to me. He realizes it was a mistake, and he actually has a really decent relationship with his ex--they do lunch, etc., and every time he comes away very happy with his decision. I'm not even worried about a sexual attraction since they didn't sleep together the last two years.

Basically, that doesn't worry me. I know him too well, and he doesn't even want to find a guy on the side without my imput. We were corresponding with a guy a couple of weeks ago who moved a little faster on him than I was okay with, and he was very upfront about telling him that it made ME uncomfortable. I know typically that's an issue, but I do know he loves me a lot, is in love with me much more than he was with his ex.

I know we are in different places, mostly because of the age. We go around about this issue every six months or so, and while it seems like we are rehashing things, there is progress. The only reason this came up now was a conversation he had with a coworker about the cat thing. Like I said, I told him flat out he was using it as an excuse. On the other hand, I don't mind living alone sometimes either. Some days I love living alone, some days I pine to live with him, some days I'm dead split down the middle. Same about getting married.

I'm not that worried about finances either, I'm looking forward to getting done with school and (hopefully!) finding a decent job and making the scales more even. I always make a point to thank him for anything he does spend on me, and he never makes me feel guilty for that--I just feel guilty because I know he is unhappy about his sudden financial insecurity post-flood.

I can't fathom the thought of leaving...things are immensely good and I would be utterly miserable if I did. While the progress has been sloooooow in our relationship, there has been progress, which is hard to convey in a box of text. :-) I think he's just had so many bad experiences in relationships (and frankly, in life) that he wants to sit back and just chill for a while...and I suppose when I think about the big picture, I'm okay with how things were. I think I get suckered in by the people around me, and society, and the stupid commercials with the big flashy rocks...

At any rate...it's good to get another perspective. Even though I would like to get married, I don't think it's worth losing the best thing I've had with any other human over that. So I'll stick with it for now. :-)

princessnady 3 years ago

Well i think that you should talk with her about wat you want if you already didnt..

Car guy 3 years ago

Hi Veronica

I read all the questions people made you and your answers were very good. So, I hope you have time to read my case and give me some insight too.

I just turned 25 and my fiance just turned 24, we've been dating for a bit more than 3 years. Since we started dating, it all went fine and we loved each other more and more each day. About 16 months ago I moved out of the country to study at an excellent school and get a shot at my dream job. Even though I would be studying abroad, 3 times a year I would have a 3-4 weeks break and go back to see her (and my family and friends).

She was ok with it and we got engaged before I left. We didn't schedule the wedding but decided that we would wait for the right time. So, 16 months have passed, I've come gone home on vacation about 4 times but things are getting worse between us. Every time I come back she wants to spend most of the time just the two of us, but I still miss my family and friends and want to be with them too. To make things worse, she said she can't wait another year and a half to get married (that's when I graduate) and want to do it in about a year.

So here's the deal: she wants to get married even though she might not be able to move in with me (it's illegal for student's spouses to work). She is ok with getting married and having to wait for me to graduate and get a job so she can come live with me (assuming I get hired right out of college, which is not certain). I want her to move in with me first, try to get a job on her own, and then marry after I get hired and start working. According to her, living together for that long without being married is wrong.

I have no scholarships and live on my parent's expenses, I don't wanna tell them that, besides my tuition and living costs, they're gonna have to spend even more money on a wedding...

She broke up with me yesterday because she says she waited too long for me already and doesn't wanna wait much longer. Should I let her go?? I don't wanna be the cause of pain to her, but I don't wanna lose her either. I believe she's the on..e, but I also believe in that taking big steps on the right time is the right thing to do.

Thanks for reading

Car guy 3 years ago

Gee Victoria, you got it right, she doesn't have a full life, and I guess that's partly why she wants to get married, although she never actually said it with those words.

She says I'm being a coward and that I'm scared of facing the situation, scared of comitting to her the same way I comitted to my career path, or the same way she comitted to me. And the fact is that without a job, without a way of maintaining life, I don't wanna face so many troubles while having to concentrate on my studies because I only get this one shot, and if I don't do it right, it might compromise what I have in the future and might compromise the way we feel about each other.

I'll try reasoning with her, but I don't see much hope in this. She's really mad at me.

Well, this is it, thanks again Veronica!

icreongame 3 years ago

Very nicely answer..that's the power of martini :) it dragged out the hidden truth.

http://www.icreongamestudio.com

hopeful26 3 years ago

Hey Veronica,

I've been reading nearly every post you have on here, looking for some sort of commen thread, or link to the problems I am dealing with.

I was wondering, hoping.. you could help?

I'm 26 years old, my boyfriend is 31.. we've been together for almost 3 years... we both have pretty demanding careers in journalism where we are constantly on the move every couple of years to different cities.

About a year and a half ago, we moved together across the country.. both got jobs at the same place (although, we don't work DIRECTLY with eachother everyday)... but it was the first time we moved in together.

To put things simple: we get along great, we both treat eachother with respect, we rarely fight, and we spend a lot of time together because we enjoy doing the same things. Since we've been together it's always been what "we" will be doing in a few years.. where "we" will be.. that sort of thing, so... never was question of whether or not we'd have a future together.

Well, recently over the holidays my boyfriend and I were talking about the next step.. because really, we've never discussed marriage SPECIFICALLY...

He brought it up, and said it just seems like at the point we're at (3 years together, living together) our relationship should be progressing.. but he says it feels like we aren't. He says he has always thought he'd get married, and have kids... but now that he's getting to that point, he just can't picture himself doing those things, and he doesn't know what that means.

So basically, where we're at is... he is trying to work through these issues... to figure out if in the future.. what he wants with us., whether its marriage.. or he's just someone that is supposed to be alone.

He tells me over and over and over... they are HIS issues ... and that the way he feels has NOTHING to do with me, or how he feels about me directly. He says he wants to be with me.. and that he doesn't know what is wrong with him, because in his words I am "perfect" .. and do everything right.. so it's nothing I did.

So now, I'm at the point where.. I just feel rejected. From reading a lot of stuff.. many people say.. if he doesn't want to get married.. it means he doesn't want to get married TO YOU... and that makes me really wonder if that's true?

Could he just be nervous that he's approaching that time in his life, and he's just not ready?

The odd thing is, I'm not pushing marriage AT ALL... I am not even in any sort of rush to do that...I don't fantasize about my wedding, or name my children.We've been together for 3 years.. and I'm 26.. and right now enjoying things the way they are. However, at some point.. I know marriage & children is something I will want... but.. not if I can't have those things with him.

Does this make sense?

So basically, where I'm at is... I am willing to wait..and hang in there.. until he can figure things out and work through his .. as he calls it "issues". I think he is worth it, and I love him and at least owe it to him to figure things out.

Am I dumb for waiting around? How long is too long?

hopeful26 3 years ago

Veronica--

Thank you so much for your prompt, and thoughtful response. I think much of what you are saying, is what I already told myself I would do. Let it go for a little while, not let it drive me nuts, and just be "us".. and enjoy our time together. I think I really know in my heart, that he wants to be with me, so, I find it ridiculous like many women might say.. to "leave him and move on". Everyone has issues they need to work through, everyone has different needs, and it's like we are supposed to just sweep perfectly good men aside because they don't feel the EXACT way we do at the exact same time. I'm not going to do that... he's an amazing man, who treats me great, I really couldn't ask for anything more...

As I've said, I'm not in a rush to get married, I'm not going to give him any sort of ultimatum, I don't want to change him... why would I want to be engaged/married to someone who doesn't 110% want that?

I really think (HOPE) my boyfriend is just being cautious, letting me know how he's feeling WHEN he's feeling it.. without even know what those feelings mean. I'm thankful for that, it just brings a whole new perspective into the relationship.

As for the children thing, if that IS the underlying issue here... I'll have to think things through more... I love children, and would like to have them one day.. WITH HIM. Until I met him, I never even considered having them.... so.. to end the relationship on that alone... doesn't seem to make much sense?

Anyways, I'm just thinking outloud now.. but it helps :) Thanks again for your advice. Appreciate it.

Rob 3 years ago

Veronica - help! I need advice.

I'm engaged to be married this summer, and I'm having mixed feelings (they tend to appear and disappear every so often).

Back-story: I'm 29, but I've always been a late bloomer emotionally. For example, as pathetic as this sounds, I still live at home (although this is because my fiance always had a place and I plan on moving in there...anyway). I also started dating late (in my early 20's), and haven't had many relationships or dating experience (this is my 2nd real one).

As much as I love my fiance, and think we can make it work, I really feel like I haven't lived life enough as an independent human being to be entering into this marriage. I essentially gave into an ultimatum on her part...well...perhaps that's a bit harsh, but I definitely felt pressure to propose.

I really don't like the person I am in terms of my life experience, and my inability to pursue things I want career-wise, hobby-wise, etc (versus always doing the "right" thing, getting a stable job (which I have), keeping other people happy...my over-controlling parents...my fiance, etc.).

A subset of these feelings are specifically related to women, sex, and my (lack of) sexual experiences in life. I see so many women on a daily basis that I'm attracted to, and I wonder if that's just a typical guy thing that all guys experience (married or not), or if there is something more to it. I'm not a cheater, and I never see myself cheating, but I'm afraid this particular topic, and the others I've alluded to above are going to eat away at me for the rest of my life.

Then again, I realize this could be a "grass is always greener" situation. Though most people who come to that realization do so by themselves as a reult of their own life experiences, and not by simply guessing.

It appears I'm just rambling now. I would love some of your insightful advice. Thanks!

Lgali 3 years ago

nice hub

britneydavidson 3 years ago

well really nice post i will say may be boy is not mentally ready as after marrige he has to take really good care of his wife.he might be thinking lets get setteled first with good job and good salary then it will be fun after marrige.so girl should understand about this rather than feeling insequire.and boy has to understand even life is very uncertain,if he has job today it wont be tommorow.well i will say they should get marry and enjoy each second of their life...all the best

Sam 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

First of all I want to say that this forum is excellent - I haven't found anything like it on the internet.

I have mixed emotions at the moment and don't know how to proceed or what to do and I feel pressured into marriage really soon. Pleeeeeeeease help me :'(

I have lived with my fiance for 3 years and everything is perfect. We care for one another, we live like a married couple and were always there for each other. We met in October 2005 in Paris and moved in together in January 2006. We moved in together pretty quickly, but we get along together perfectly, we practically have never fought. When we met I was 21 and she was 25. We are now engaged and don't live in europe anymore and she is 29 turning 30 and I'm 24 turning 25. She want's to get married this December but I feel like I am not ready and want to put it off until next year. She clearly sees this as a sign that I never want to get married to her. We spoke and she told me that she feel's like she is getting old and all her friends are always saying to her that ''you 2 are a perfect couple when is the marriage?''.....So she is feeling pressured in a way I guess and the biological body clock has started ringing. I really love this girl with all my heart and don't want to lose her either but at the same time I don't want to say to her, ''yes, let's do it in December'' because...well...I know it sounds stupid but I just want to wait another year. Maybe it's the whole "marriage" title that scares me. I dunno. I told her about my decision today, and at first she seemed ok with it but then she started speaking all of her concerns.

She also said that she will wait but she will not be happy inside.

Please help me with this problem, I don't want my stupidity to affect the relationship but at the same time I have to listen to my heart and my heart is saying, wait up Sam..Don't rush into it, take it slowly. Do you think that we should talk together to find a compromise? Your advice would be appreciated. By the way, we've been engaged for about 12 months....

Sam 3 years ago

Thanks Veronica. The advise that you have given is invaluable, I appreciate it. The worst thing I would want to do is rush into something that I am not ready for - it would kill the relationship and I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life, period, or else it would force us apart. Luckily, I can hear that voice inside that's telling me to wait.... Thanks again and I will keep you posted on the outcome!! :)

Sam 3 years ago

Thanks Veronica. The advise that you have given is invaluable, I appreciate it. The worst thing I would want to do is rush into something that I am not ready for - it would kill the relationship and I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life, period, or else it would force us apart. Luckily, I can hear that voice inside that's telling me to wait.... Thanks again and I will keep you posted on the outcome!! :)

takesatraintocry 3 years ago

Hi Veronica-

I've read through a lot of the questions and responses to this question and several of your other entries. I am extremely interested in not only the topics, but the reactions they have evoked, and your responses to the reactions. Here comes the "me" part.

I'm fully behind you when you say "when it's right, it's right for both of you."My situation is a bit uncommon. I've known my current boyfriend my whole life- our moms grew up together and were best friends. We played as children, then kept only in distant touch for years. We later reconnected after high school, and the two of us have been very close friends for going on six years or so. We've been a couple for about two years now- maybe more- sometimes it's hard to remember when the line blurred over. (I only remember the physical contact starting!) We have talked openly about just about everything at this point- and had just about every fight- although I am sure there are more to be had. He has said on numerous occasions that he wants to marry me. He's referred to me as his "future wife." He brings it up.

Neither of us really expected to get married. (Ironically, I remember being 18 and discussing that at great length with him.) I have never wanted a wedding, still don't. When he has brought it up I usually tease him about it and shrug it off- push it back. Say we're not ready, etc. I have thought about marriage in the meantime. I don't think we are ready right now. I think that it bothers me that he has asked me- even flirtingly and jokingly- if I would marry him. I think I take it very seriously and especially so as I get older. I do want to be proposed to, decently. I don't need a storybook affair- but I want to know a man is truly serious about me enough to consider purchasing a ring and asking me in a serious way. I've mentioned that to him, but I'm not sure how much he understands, or understands how much that means to me.

I take my faith very seriously, and I do not want to move in with a man before I am married to him. I know this is old-fashioned in today's world, but it stands. He very much wants us to live together, although he agrees with me about waiting for marriage (And yes, on his own, not because I am forcing him). Trouble is, he has these odd notions of marriage. We're in our mid twenties. Still young, but not unreasonably young to make a commitment. Whenever he hears of people getting married near or above our age he seems surprised. It's like he doesn't realize how old he is- he only remarks that he always pictured people older than him getting married. This makes me raise my eyebrows a bit- for he'll get older every year, and that will make that "right older age" increase without him ever catching up. I feel like that mentality directly conflicts with the one that has discussed marriage to me and living alongside me. I am skeptical by nature- I have a hard time trusting men to commit. This isn't helping. We have already argued about the age in which to have children. I don't want to have kids much past 30, although I don't want to start having them until I am at least 26 or 27, etc.

I hope this is coherent! We work through things together, and we are very committed to making things work- but I am feeling uncomfortable about the whole marriage thing. It's like he is coming from two completely different directions. We were invited to his buddy's wedding in October, and he seems a little surprised about that even. On the same note- he mentioned he would possibly be able to get time off his job at the end of the year if we needed it. (We had discussed making things official in November a while back). I had suggested we could wait another year if we needed to at that time and he seemed opposed to that as well. I feel a bit confused- I am willing to give him all the time he needs (within reason, of course) but I don't know what to expect. If he is serious about me and about us, I would like a ring. Something to show me that this is for real and he means it. If he isn't for a long time yet, I'd like to know that too. If he is unsure in any way, I'd rather it not even be a discussion.

This is of course not my main focus in life- I am very busy with work and school and my own pursuits, as is he. It is something I think about from time to time though- especially when he makes what I percieve as conflicting statements so close together in time. I am interested to hear your input, especially after reading so much of your thoughts and insights.

Thanks for your time & effort in advance

-lauren

bspilner 3 years ago

This has to be one of my all time favorite hubs. I absolutely love you advice and the way to approach both sides. You make an incredibly thought provokin point that you could probably write an entire hub on "Physiolgocially, his frontal lobe has only just developed, making him cognizant of long term implications and commitments." It was in response to Al's comment.

This is extremely well written and an enjoyable read - I will be reading it again because you make very valid points.

Stanley 3 years ago

Veronica,

My girlfriend of 4 years and I are in our mid 40's. She lives an hour away. She mostly comes here. She's great, cute , funny etc. BUT our relationship is always stalled because at night she cries and says "I don't want this", I want to get married. It makes me feel like crap. Now I think I love her but at first she wanted a child, perhaps more than a relationship. then for us to live closer, then live together, she said it doesn't have to be married. Now its married or she will most likely leave me soon. I don't want to be without her. One more thing. I am unemployed about a year and live (rent) in a great little house in a beautiful place with an amazingly low rent which I love. I mean Love this place!!! She wants me to move out to start a place of our own. She is welcome to live with me here but it would be over 1 hour each way commute to her. She has met my family many times and likes them. also she doesn't drive. I tried to teach her but she doesn't make any efforts plus she once had serious debt (maybe still) and refuses to even tell me how much she owes. Saying we don't have a relationship where we share finances so I won't tell you. Sorry for the long winded comment. Please Help!!! Please please advise. Drink a few martinis if you must but help me!

Thanks

Stanley

stanley 3 years ago

Veronica,

No child. She once said she wanted one more than a relationship but she realizes its not feasible as she is mid 40's. She has paid a lot of money on busses and trains visiting me for 4 years, always shares expenses (dinner movies,concerts etc.) she even takes out my trash. I'm not willing to leave this place and I don't like being without her so I will probably grit my teeth and endure until she leaves me.

Thanks for your insight!

Worried Girl 3 years ago

I've been with my bf for three years now, and I'm worry that we never get married because he's not ready. He gave me the ring two months ago just to tell me that he is serious bout marriage. He suppose to look for the house/apartment, but he keeps put it off. I told him to get an apartment, and he looked for it for few days; then he told me that if he can find a cheap house our monthly payment will be the same, so I told him OK, look for the house. He only looked for it for a day or two after I bring it up, and then he stopped looking. I don't have a job right now, and with his salary it's hard to get married. I understand that, but I have a feeling that he is making excuses, and he really doesnt want to get married.I'm worried that we never get married. I almost broke up with him, and told him that I am going to give him the ring back; he looked for a place for three days, and then he stopped. It's really really hard for me to break up with him. What should I do?

realist 3 years ago

I have a question. Is this woman wanting to get married because she wants a safe and secure place for children, or because she is a narcissistic and selfish person as some people think here? This is an important difference.If a woman wants a marriage in an unthinking, self-serving way, then no, that is not okay. If a woman wants to be married because she wants to know that you really love her and will be there for children and for when she is no longer the most attractive thing in the room, then that is valid. Otherwise, she may just be someone you are using, for sex and fun. So, for a man, it's easy to take this easy route.

Woman may indeed be selfish, neurotic and mean. Men may also be these things. When men regard marriage as exclusively a female power game, that is inaccurate. Men need to also aknowledge that for eons having sex with a woman without comitting to taking care of offspring, i.e. marriage, was considered immoral, selfish and abusive. There's a reason for that. That's Dads would shoot these guys, that whole steretype - because they didn't want a woman they loved, their daughter, used for sex by a man who didn't love her, or have "noble" intentions. Relationships, especially sexual, are not there just for fun. Sex makes children. Men seem unconscious of the fact that they are demanding their own pleasure at the expense of compassion for what they are using for themselves. This selishness dialoge - it goes both ways.

Having said all that, don't marry someone you don't love. And don't marry someone who doesn't love you. That would be downright silly. But do please consider that her need is a valid one of self-respect for what a female human body is and does. It isn't necessarily a selfish power play.

Cheers

Realist

Rhiannon_2009 3 years ago

Good advice! And my feeling is - DON'T do it if you are not ready.

Never do it for the wrong reasons. Never do it to make someone else happy, or because someone else expects it, or because of pressure from friends or family. You have to want it for yourself, and you have to be ready.

And even if you take the risk of losing her by saying NO, you are better off to end the relationship than for either of you to end up frustrated and unhappy. It is too high a price to pay. If being married is really important to her, she has a right to pursue what she wants, but she needs to be respectful of your feelings. If you're not ready, then you aren't the right guy. Never sacrifice your own happiness to make someone else happy. You will be really sorry for it later.

One in two marriages ends in divorce, and everyone loses except the attorneys involved. Those of us who have been there know the pain of divorce, and if you can avoid going there, all the better.

If it's not right, someone else will come along (for both of you).

Valentine Trouble 3 years ago

Hey Veronice,

This forum is going to serve generations to come ;-)

My story is like this:

I have a great g/f for over 4 years, we are both 28 an live together for the past 3 years.

I do see myself married but the only reason for me to wed is to have kids, and that is something I won't have as people say "No matter what". I want to own a home abd have some basic securities that can make me know I can give my family a good life. I don't know if you are up with the news but that lady with the 8 babies got me thinking and I preffer not to have kids but live a remarkable life to have kids but barely get by.

My g/f is really great, beautiful, smart, loving but she is very emotional and I know she wants a wedding and kids and she is the only one I can see myself with but still I won't get myself into a situation that I clearly see will not work for me.

I have just recently started my new business but with the state of the economy no one knows how long will I have to work to start making real money, and my girlfriend is still in school and probably will be for the next 3 years.

We are very open and talk about this but we always get to the same end where I say logically that in this case there are no compromises, if I get to the point that I'm ready then great. If I don't and she feels like she want a wedding or family and she wants it soon, then we should part ways, as sad as it sounds, this is one issue where there is no meeting half way.

What do you think?

Judyti 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I think your advice has been great and would like to get your opinion on the following;

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We had both recently gotten divorced when we met and found comfort in how much in common our situations had been. We had both felt trapped in our past marriage and took us a very long time to stir up the courage to get out. In the begining of our relationship I told him I could care less if I ever got married again and once or twice after a couple of drinks he told me he would someday want to marry me and that I was the perfect women for him.

We moved in together right away and it's been fantastic ever since. We get along great and have a great life together. He is the love of my life and according to him, I the love of his. I am 35 and he is 42 neither one of us has children nore are interested in having children. His family is very religious and is completely against us living together without being married. I think this is what stirred things up to begin with. We spoke about marriage about a year ago and all of a sudden he tells me that he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married again. I have no dought that he loves me, I think he is just terrified of feeling trapped and unable to get out again. Also, I know that his family was very dissapointed when he got divorced because of their religious background, so I know that deep inside he doesn't want to put them through that again. I can understand and although I am not in any rush to get married, I think it just upsets me that he doesn't WANT to marry me. I think if he simply told me that he did want to marry me in 2030, I would be ok with it. It's mainly the fact that he doesn't want to that upsets me.

The way I see it is, I had someone before who wanted to marry me that I was totally miserable with and now I am with someone that doesn't want to marry me but makes me totally happy, so why does this bother me so much????

Judyti 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

Thank you so much for your words. When we ask for advice deep inside we already know what the correct answer is but sometimes it gets a little fuzzed out with all of the other stuff that makes it's way in there. You are absolutely right and what matters most to me is the man and the realtionship that we share. When you think about it, it's true none of the people trying to push you into what to them is the "correct situation" are happy at all.

Thanks ;)

Judyti 3 years ago

Thank you so much, that sounds great. I have officially decided to take it one day at a time. We had a conversation and I told him exactly how I felt about everything and promised I would never touch this subject again. This way, he knows how I feel and should he ever decide that he's comfortable with the idea, we'll take it from there. As long as he continues being with me the way he is and we are in love and happy, I am good. The one thing I realized is that the LAST thing I would ever want is for someone to marry me because they feel obligated instead of because they really feel like that's what they want. So, I am just going to enjoy the moment. That's what life is anyone, just a few good moments here and there and I am very lucky that I am right in the middle of a very good one right now.

Once again, thank you so much.

DJ 3 years ago

Wow. This is the exact situation I'm in right now. My girlfriend of two years wants to get married / live together. And she feels rejected and deeply hurt that I'm not ready for it. But it's not her, it's just a step I need a little more time for.

This is a person I can envision spending the rest of my life with, but there are certain things I feel the need to accomplish on my own before marriage (a very man thing for me to say, I'm sure).

The problem is our relationship is quickly deteriorating because of it. I feel like she's going to wind up resenting me because we're not on the same page at the same time.

It's compounded by the fact that I'm buying a condo and she feels I'm moving ahead without her. I understand this feeling, but I'm really only buying it because the time is right financially.

I feel like a jerk and I'm really depressed by the fact I may lose her...

teleassistência 3 years ago

Well... When your girl wants to get married and you don't want to... just don't do it!

Judyti 3 years ago

I don't think its as simple as that. I think that most of the time men don't know HOW to tell a women what is on his mind. They try to express themselves and it just comes out wrong!! I can guarantee that if DJ tells his girlfriend that she is that special women that he wants to spend the rest of his life with but that she needs to be a little more patient with him, she would understand. He can also let her make the choice.

"I could ask you to marry me now out of fear of loosing you and simply wanting to make you happy and later resent you for not giving me much of a choice in the matter or would you like me to do it when I am ready and feel like this is the right decision for me as well as you?" Ask her what the main reason for her wanting to marry you is? Because if it's love then the right choice is to wait until both people are ready. This of course doesn't mean that she's going to wait forever. She will proove her love by waiting and you will prove yours by asking when your ready. Now.....if you feel like she may not be "the one" or that you may never be ready...please be honest with her and yourself.

Judyti 3 years ago

I don't think its as simple as that. I think that most of the time men don't know HOW to tell a women what is on his mind. They try to express themselves and it just comes out wrong!! I can guarantee that if DJ tells his girlfriend that she is that special women that he wants to spend the rest of his life with but that she needs to be a little more patient with him, she would understand. He can also let her make the choice.

"I could ask you to marry me now out of fear of loosing you and simply wanting to make you happy and later resent you for not giving me much of a choice in the matter or would you like me to do it when I am ready and feel like this is the right decision for me as well as you?" Ask her what the main reason for her wanting to marry you is? Because if it's love then the right choice is to wait until both people are ready. This of course doesn't mean that she's going to wait forever. She will proove her love by waiting and you will prove yours by asking when your ready. Now.....if you feel like she may not be "the one" or that you may never be ready...please be honest with her and yourself.

kariberry 3 years ago

Hi Veronica -

I just sent this as an email, because I didn't realize how to post it.  Feel free to respond either way.  Thanks for your insights. 

I appreciate your thoughtful insights, and I'd love your take on my situation.  I have been with my bf for 2.5 years, living together for about 8 months.  He is 25 and I will turn 30 in one month.  We have had ups and downs, but also have excellent communication and a lot of love for each other, both as lovers and friends.  I've been clear with him that I am looking for a long-term committed relationship, and have given him space to feel this out for himself.  Our agreement to take the pressure off was that I would give him the space he needed and he would let me know if he got clear about not wanting to be together for the long term.  About a month ago, he came to me and let me know he's not ready for committment  - we freaked out and broke up, but realized that didn't quite feel right....so we've come back togeher, and are living together, holding the space to figure it out.  We are communicating well, staying connected.  He continues to feel clear that he isn't interested in exploring the long-term, but he also doesn't want to break up.  I really want a long term partner, and am confused about how to work with him on this.  He has decided to see a counselor to see what's really going on with him, but I am feeling like I can't take much more of this unknown space - and I am feeling like the only one fighting for this relationship.  He is really sad at the idea of splitting up, but still doesn't want to consider the long term.  I want us both to be happy.  Do you think it's worth continuing to be in the process with him?

Gypsie 3 years ago

Hi

Im so scared of asking the question as I dont want to see the answer.

I have been with my b/f 4 years now. I am 36 and he is 43. We moved in together 3 years ago and things are 90% of the time not bad. The rest of the time I dont like him. For the first 2 years of our relationship, he was stil visiting his ex due to his daughter being upset about loosing her. I accepted this and allowed the visits. I then stumbled over some emails of him trying to contact another ex. He claims it was to explain to her why he walked out on her 10 yrs ago. 2 years ago i was visiting my parents for a week, i came back to see he had been chatting online to a woman who he then called on the phone for an hour. H says he was boared and it was a very stupid thing to do. Last week i caught him sending flirt and cuddle messaged to "his best friends sister" via facebook. I am very upset and angry with him.

He says i am jealous, insecure and possesive. I dont think i am but he give me reason to be insecure.

I am at a 2 way road now, leave him as he wont change or stay and work through it.

I have told him i want to get married and he has said ok if thats what you want. I was again furious about his answer.

Do i leave him or work it out?

Gypsie 3 years ago

Hi

Im so scared of asking the question as I dont want to see the answer.

I have been with my b/f 4 years now. I am 36 and he is 43. We moved in together 3 years ago and things are 90% of the time not bad. The rest of the time I dont like him. For the first 2 years of our relationship, he was stil visiting his ex due to his daughter being upset about loosing her. I accepted this and allowed the visits. I then stumbled over some emails of him trying to contact another ex. He claims it was to explain to her why he walked out on her 10 yrs ago. 2 years ago i was visiting my parents for a week, i came back to see he had been chatting online to a woman who he then called on the phone for an hour. H says he was boared and it was a very stupid thing to do. Last week i caught him sending flirt and cuddle messaged to "his best friends sister" via facebook. I am very upset and angry with him.

He says i am jealous, insecure and possesive. I dont think i am but he give me reason to be insecure.

I am at a 2 way road now, leave him as he wont change or stay and work through it.

I have told him i want to get married and he has said ok if thats what you want. I was again furious about his answer.

Do i leave him or work it out?

just me 3 years ago

I have been in a relationship for 4 years and my BF and I also have a 2 year old son. I am 32 and he is 48. In this time marriage has been brought up a few times. Well at first he said he would marry me to put me on his health insurance. I didn't want to get married for that reason also it was too soon. That was after being together only 4 months

Then in a converstation he told me my job was keeping our relationship from going further. So I got a new job. Then after the baby was born we would get married on the baby's first birthday. Then when I was about to leave he said he wanted to marry me just give time time but not to much time. A year later still nothing. Then one day out of the blue he says to me find the court house where you have to go to get a marriage license and I will take a day off work and we will go get it. Then two hours later he said he didn't want to get married. He says he wants to get married but I know that's not true. Two different times I have over heard him say that he didn't. I love him so much. I don't just want to up and leave. but I also don't want to be his girlfriend forever. Is there any hope or should I just move on with my life and find someone who does want marriage.

It sucks to have to start all over. I mean I have spent 4 years with him.

Honesty 3 years ago

I think that it just isn't a woman pushing men into what they want but also men pushing woman into what they don't want.

"Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

Men will put off marriage and tell his SO that he wants marriage just to keep getting what he wants. Who doesn't love all the conveniences of a marriage without actually being married. I am sure alot of men are raising their hands.

Alot of woman would bend over backwards to please their man, to do anything for their man cause she has been told "one day we will marry" When his real intentions are to just keep milking the cow. When in the end if the man really loves her and just loves the idea of having a wife without all the paper work then he will take it and eventually the woman will realize that this guy is a complete jerk and move on.

If men would be honest up front before a woman even moves in with him, woman wouldn't have to "push" men into getting married.

If a bad divorce is keeping you from marrying your wonderful woman, get over it or you will lose probably the best thing to ever happen to you.

Comparing your ex with a current girlfriend is wrong and unfair.

raymondphilippe 3 years ago

This is a great hub you've got here! You're right before getting married both parties should always be honest with each other and should consider each other's thoughts about it.

B-girl 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I wrote to you on this board over a year ago when my bf had some probles with commitment and moving in together. You've given me so much advice on this topic and I have had lots from friends and family too. We moved in together. We trialed it and it's been about 9 months now.We're in a very strange place at the moment.

Ideally I would have liked to have moved in under different circumstances, us both really wanting it, not as a 'trial' for him to see if he could get over his fear and this has impacted our relationship a little, I've felt insecure. I guess I need someone to want it as much as I do. I would have liked to have had the discussion about marriage before we moved in, and for someone to want that too. But as it was I took baby steps with him 'to see' how it would turn out.

We've come to a point where I think I got to end it. He is just not ready for what I want. We love each other enormously, and although there's been some painful arguements over theis topic, we're now just talking honestly and openly about it, which is good. I don't feel pushed away or hurt by his comments and defensiveness anymore. He's told me he's 'a million miles' from marriage. He loves me and doesn't want to lose me but just doesn't know when he will be emotionally ready for marriage.

I have to walk away. I can see now in everything he does and says how not ready he is. His priorities are different to mine and he is still attached to his mother like I was when I was about 8. It's so sad to think this person who is my best friend and love is just not on the same page as me, but i guess that's just life. It all makes sense now, it's so clear. In terms of relationships, he's at the sam stage I was at about 19. So he's a long way to go before he gets where I am. In other ways he is mature, he has a great work ethic and is an all round good guy, non of this has been deliberate to hurt me, he just went with how he felt.

I'm having trouble actually saying it's over, though we've come close to it in the last few weeks. I think he knows we'll have to split, but he doesn;t want to either. It's not fair to hang on though to either of us. We have some great trips planned and I'm reluctant to end it now becasue of these which is selfish, we were gonna have such a great time though! Part of me wants to give him a few months to let the discussions we have had sink in and then we can make a mutual decision to end it. I just can't imagine getting over him whilst knowing we still love each other. Such a weird feeling thinking I won't see him every day, make food together, tickle each other and mess around how we do. There's just this big issue we have and we know we need to end it. Just don't know how to actually say the words.

Life is so unfair, if we were on the same page about this, I would be so happy. We were driving through the countryside yesterday and imagining it was all a big joke, he'd turn around and say haha, fooled you! Of course I want those things with you. But he doesn't, he just says his future is a big grey cloud and he doesn't know what it brings. He needs to be successful in his new business to gain confidence in himself and respect from others before he thinks about marriage. And if he never makes it career wise he says he'd rather just be alone. He sees money equating with marriage and having kids. Of course it'd be nice to be comfortable but I love him however much he earns. My dad says if you want something, you go out of your way to get it, if you don't, you use every excuse in the book to get out of it, which I tend to agree with.

Such a shame:(

AngelKisses 3 years ago

I ended a 5 1/2 year relationship last night over the marriage topic. I'm 38 and he's 53. I feel like it's time to tie the knot he doesn't. I've put my whole heart into this relationship, moved 400 miles, left my entire family behind. What has he given up? If a man doesn't want to spend his life with you then turn him loose. If all he wants is a sex partner he can find that at the local bar. don't waste years like i have. Be true to yourself and don't wait around on someone that will leave you hanging. Get on with your life and find your real happiness.

mikefraz 3 years ago

HEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPP me! i've already made plans to propose to my girl this summer but just this morning she hit me with the dreadful U word, that's right an ultimatum. I cant believe this, after finally coming up with what i consider the perfect proposal she goes and does this and makes me think that maybe this isn't the girl for me after all, we already have a small child together and i've known her since i was in middle school and i really do love her but now i feel like she's making me ask her to marry me. call it old fashioned or just being a guy but i WON"T be pressureed into anything, what should i do? ps we've been back together for just under 5 years.

mikefraz 3 years ago

HEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPP me! i've already made plans to propose to my girl this summer but just this morning she hit me with the dreadful U word, that's right an ultimatum. I cant believe this, after finally coming up with what i consider the perfect proposal she goes and does this and makes me think that maybe this isn't the girl for me after all, we already have a small child together and i've known her since i was in middle school and i really do love her but now i feel like she's making me ask her to marry me. call it old fashioned or just being a guy but i WON"T be pressureed into anything, what should i do? ps we've been back together for just under 5 years.

Jojo 3 years ago

Does any of this change when the man you're dating has been divorced? (His wife left him, very coldly, and at the time, unexpectedly). My boyfriend of almost 2 years is not ready for marriage, and while I understand and accept his not being ready, as I do not feel 2 years is too long to be dating (though also believe it is long enough to want to get married)...does this mean he will never be ready? I love him immensely and he loves me, says he wants to marry again someday, and that he wants to marry me... We have an amazing relationship and communicate everything very openly and honestly so both of us always knows where the other is at. I love him and want to wait for him...but my fear is that he will never "feel ready" again... What I'm wondering is...is this any different? I feel like I cut him more slack because he has been hurt and betrayed so badly...but if he's not ready now, will he ever be? Or am I just the wrong one for him? (He's 33; I'm 29).

Bethieg 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I've been reading your advice and I must agree with the readers, your advice is very thoughtful and from the heart.

I'm hoping you have some advice for my situation.

I have been dating my boyfriend 4 years now. We've been living together for almost 2 years - I'm 25 and he is 37. At first we took it slow, I wasn't in a hurry to settle down and he was just coming out of a committed relationship and wasn't looking to jump into another serious one.

After two years, he suggested that we move in together. I wasn't keen on the idea because I didn't know where we were at in our relationship. He assured me that he was looking for something long term and that he was trying to show me this by asking me to move in with him. That was the only assurance that I needed at that point in my life.

However, two years have come and gone. During this time we have only had the "M" discussion twice. Both times as a result of my initiating the conversation (I purposely held off because I didn't want to seem pushy and also because I was young and in no rush). The first time I brought it up, he shrugged it off saying, I knew what he wanted. I did know that he wanted a committed relationship but I didn't know what kind. With marriage - without? He wouldn't answer my question. I waited 6 months before bringing it up again. This time, I expressed my concerns of not knowing how committed he wanted to be and feeling like he was blowing me off when I wanted to talk about this. He apologized and told me in so many words that it was marriage he was looking for. He said that he was waiting until he was financially stable to do anything and perhaps a year from now, he could do something. He just started a new business and I know how tight things can be, financially. This was 6 months ago and I haven't brought the subject up again.

Instead of being anxious about it, I've helped him get the business off the ground - which thankfully, there's a light at the end of that tunnel! I've also been thinking about ways in which I need to mature as an individual and I've been trying to work on these things - although I will be the first to admit that I am still pretty immature at times!

What brought me to your blog was a google search on this topic. We were walking home from dinner one night last week and there was a bridal party outside of their hotel. My boyfriend had indulged in a few drinks, and as we were walking by shouted "don't do it, there's still time to get out". I know it was an attempt at humor, but it still hurt me.

Now I'm unsure as to what I should do. Do I bring this up again to him? I wanted to wait until next year or whenever he was fiscally sound to say anything and give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm beginning to feel strongly that this is not what he wants.

It's not that I want to get married at this moment, but I need to start thinking about my future and I want to know if that future includes him.

I'm sorry for the length of my post, but after reading your comments to the other readers, I would value any input you have in the matter!

Sincerely,

Beth

countrywomen 3 years ago

This question can't be answered without further in depth information. The reason I won't dwell into answering this question one way or the other is due to the particular situation i.,e is the guy postponing due to fear of commitment, starting a family (including financial reason), or simply not serious about the girl. And from the girls point of view is she rushing him (due to other factors like family), afraid of losing him, and so on. I guess one needs to understand the situation in depth to give an opinion hence I would prefer not to make an assertion without further information :D

LOVE SD 3 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I stumbled upon this page b/c a coworker of mine was talking about getting married at the same time that my bf and I, now fiance, was talking about getting married.

Anyhow, it started with her saying that her and her bf was thinking about getting married. Not long after, she was always looking a diamonds online and not long after that, she picked out her diamond, it was abt 2.5 carats. Anyhow, he purchased the diamond but now is saying he is unsure and not ready to get married. That was what lead me to google this subject. That and bc I was bored at work. This is going to be pretty long, so pls bear with me.

My fiance and I have been dating for over 4 yrs. We spoke about marriage before but never as serious as in the recent months. Matter of fact, I was going to seriously end things with him last yr. Not b/c of the marriage thing but more b/c he was showing no signs of planning any type of future (saving, looking for a steady job, etc). I was pretty fed up with things b/c I have always been getting out of my comfort zone to get myself in a better financial situation (looking for better job opportunities). I kept pushing myself b/c I knew if I wouldnt, nothing was going to change. I thought by doing this, this would set an example for him and that if he truly wanted and beleived in a future together, he would do the same.

I was pretty much sure he was 'the one' after abt a yr and half dating. But with things happening and what lead me to really consider breaking things off last year, I wasnt so sure anymore. I'm a couple yrs older than he was so I always said that I knew this going into our relationship, it would be such a shame for me to get out of it for the same reason. So throughout this whole time, I kept telling myself that I needed to be more patient...and so I have been.

After I suggested that we break things off, my heart was really not that into it anymore. We were physically still together, still had that title, but perhaps that was the case b/c I wasnt fully ready to let go. Selfish on my part perhaps...but I couldnt fully detach myself until I was fully ready and felt like I really had nothing to look back to.

Last summer, I started talking to an ex. Dont know if I can really consider him an ex b/c we only 'dated' for about 1/2 yr. This was like 7 yrs ago. He lives on the east coast, me on the west. We met b/c I was there with a friend, her on business, me just tagging along for pleasure, b/c I've never been. Anyhow, we met and kept in touch. That summer we talked everyday and I went back to visit for a couple of weeks. We started 'dating' and having a long distance relationship. I saw went back again to visit not long after my first visit, things were absolutely great. A couple of months after I came back from that trip (we literally talked every moment we had), things started to change. He stopped calling one day and I knew something was wrong. Not long after that, we talked and he told me some bad news. I dont want to say exactly what it was, but lets just say I was still willing to support him thru this time. However, it was more his decision just to end things.

We stopped talking, years past, we both moved on. Until last year, we started talking again. Although I was with my bf for over 3 yrs at the time, for some strange reason, my feelings for him started to resurface. He didnt know this until one day, dont know what got over me, but I decided to write him and tell him how I feel. Not to start anything again, but more to have some closure from the way things ended, bc I felt that was what I was lacking and the reason why i'm having all these feelings again.

I made another trip out there late last year. We hung out and I had no doubt that my feelings were still there. I didnt go out there with the intentions of starting anything, b/c I was still w/my bf.

We hung out but that was it. We exchanged a couple of texts after I got back but basically he told me that he wants to be friends.

I am now engaged, but my thoughts and feelings for this person has resurfaced. I know that my fiance will be a loving husband/father. My mother always told me to find a person that loves you a little more than you love them. i think I found that. I just understand why I'm still wondering about this other person. I dont want to cheat on my fiance in anyway, not even to think in a certain way for another person, but I dont understand why I keep going back to that person.

I apologize for the novel...your input would be greatly appreciated.

future planner 3 years ago

Hi Veronica, how are you? I´ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We´re both 26 and whenever the marriage subject poped up he kept telling me he didn´t want to get married ever! After hearing this answer a couple of times, tired of questioning myself why he thinks in that way, we´ve decided be apart for a while so that he can decide what to do. I know he loves me and I really don´t want to get married tomorrow, or in two years, but I do want marriage in the future. I find his denial frustrating and if he can´t commit I see no reason to stay in such a relation. I think, though it´s makes me sad, it´s better to move on and find another person.

Am I wrong? Should I take into consideration that he MAY change his mind someday?

Please I need some insight!

future planner 3 years ago

Hi Veronica, how are you? I´ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We´re both 26 and whenever the marriage subject poped up he kept telling me he didn´t want to get married ever! After hearing this answer a couple of times, tired of questioning myself why he thinks in that way, we´ve decided be apart for a while so that he can decide what to do. I know he loves me and I really don´t want to get married tomorrow, or in two years, but I do want marriage in the future. I find his denial frustrating and if he can´t commit I see no reason to stay in such a relation. I think, though it´s makes me sad, it´s better to move on and find another person.

Am I wrong? Should I take into consideration that he MAY change his mind someday?

Please I need some insight!

future planner 3 years ago

Hi Veronica, how are you? I´ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We´re both 26 and whenever the marriage subject poped up he kept telling me he didn´t want to get married ever! After hearing this answer a couple of times, tired of questioning myself why he thinks in that way, we´ve decided be apart for a while so that he can decide what to do. I know he loves me and I really don´t want to get married tomorrow, or in two years, but I do want marriage in the future. I find his denial frustrating and if he can´t commit I see no reason to stay in such a relation. I think, though it´s makes me sad, it´s better to move on and find another person.

Am I wrong? Should I take into consideration that he MAY change his mind someday?

Please I need some insight!

future planner 3 years ago

Hi Veronica, how are you? I´ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We´re both 26 and whenever the marriage subject poped up he kept telling me he didn´t want to get married ever! After hearing this answer a couple of times, tired of questioning myself why he thinks in that way, we´ve decided be apart for a while so that he can decide what to do. I know he loves me and I really don´t want to get married tomorrow, or in two years, but I do want marriage in the future. I find his denial frustrating and if he can´t commit I see no reason to stay in such a relation. I think, though it´s makes me sad, it´s better to move on and find another person.

Am I wrong? Should I take into consideration that he MAY change his mind someday?

Please I need some insight!

future planner 3 years ago

Hi Veronica, how are you? I´ve been with my boyfriend for two years. We´re both 26 and whenever the marriage subject poped up he kept telling me he didn´t want to get married ever! After hearing this answer a couple of times, tired of questioning myself why he thinks in that way, we´ve decided be apart for a while so that he can decide what to do. I know he loves me and I really don´t want to get married tomorrow, or in two years, but I do want marriage in the future. I find his denial frustrating and if he can´t commit I see no reason to stay in such a relation. I think, though it´s makes me sad, it´s better to move on and find another person.

Am I wrong? Should I take into consideration that he MAY change his mind someday?

Please I need some insight!

Right This Time 3 years ago

Veronica,

I'm 47. He's 60. We were friends only for a year before we starting dating. We've been dating now for 1 1/2 yrs. I heard him say to other people before we started seeing each other that he did not want to remarry. He has been divorced for 5 yrs. He immediately went into another relationship after his divorce. That relationship ended very badly. He was mistreated horribly.

Because I had heard him say he had no intentions of remarrying and because I knew he had been hurt, I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I did consider him marriage worthy and if he truly had no intentions of remarrying I needed to know at that time. He said he had nothing against marriage but he needed to work through this issues from his past relationship. He said he did not want to lose me. I assured him that I understood and would be there for him in anyway I could. We both agreed that there was nothing I could do for him but to continue to listen if he needed me. We agreed that "at all cost - we would preserve our friendship".

It's 1 1/2 yrs later and he says has been able to come to terms with the previous relationship. We see each other every day. There is no doubt in either of our minds that we love each other.

Eight months ago he came to me and said he was ready to pull this relationship together. I agreed. I am ready to start working toward marriage. I have asked him if he were on the same page twice in the past eight months and he said he didn't want to discuss this now. The last time (only twice) was a week ago. We both know the questions is still out there. I feel that if he wanted to move forward he would say so but I also think that if he doesn't he should say so too!

What should I do?

May 3 years ago

Hi Veronica! Me and my fiance (both 25) have been together for over a year and got engaged 6 months ago. It's a long distance relationship but a really close one - we both went through ups and downs within that time and it brought us very much together. I live in UK and he lives in the States and being so far apart is of course not fun, however, in order to be able to live together we would have to get married. I've always been a fan of "try it out before you buy" but in our case it is not possible. We have been talking about getting married for quite a while (clearly, since we got engaged) but we have not set an actual date. About a month ago I mentioned that I would like to eventually move but we did not really talk about it and I did not want to push so the topic was dropped. A few days ago he raised the issue and said he would like to start talking about me moving there, despite being a little scared about the whole process. We then talked about it and it became clear that he is not fully convinced to this step. But the problem is that, while he has no problem with making a commitment, he feels like it is a lot of responsibility to take on, regarding planning for two people and generally quitting single careless lifestyle. I feel completely differently on that - I do not plan on becoming a old-fashioned lady inviting family and friends to dinners every Sunday afternoon. I still want to have fun, travel and do everything we do now, not being married. I think he has this stereotypical image of "married life" painted in his head and is scared of it. May I add that it is clear for both of us that we do not plan to have children for the next few years.

So what do I do about his fears? Ideal situation would be if we could live together for a while so that he would see that it is not such a scary thing, but it is not an option for us. Sometimes I just want to convince him to get married despite his doubts and then show him that there is really nothing to be scared of. But then the wiser part of me knows that it is not the way to go. How do I go about this then?

Nicole 3 years ago

Hey Veronica,

I'm having a silmilar situation. We have a bit of an age difference, which is a reason I'm more concerned. I'm younger 20s and not looking to get married or have kids any time soon. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is lower 30s and has been married for 8 years and convinced its recipe for failure. However, he really wants to have kids without ever wanting marriage. Both of our families have highlighted in some way that our relationship is not really serious unless we are married. My mother is of course highly religious and his dad has said comments along the lines of, "Well it doesn't matter what you do because you're not married". In the future, I would like to do the whole family number and get married and because I'm young, I have opportunities now to be the college girl and go out and about. I feel l am somewhat married already because we live together and he is older and more "settled" and I feel like I'm giving up a little bit of myself to stay with him and be "settled". Especially because, as a female, it's a little concerning when a man is standing in front of you telling you they want babies in the future but never want to get married because, lets face it, accidents happen and that would be a sticky situation to be in all around. What does it really mean if a guy doesnt want to tie the knot, ever, no matter what you think and whether or not there is children involved? So...we have been together a couple of years and I feel like I'm being selfish for up and leaving over the document...but I feel like its not fair to me to stay in a relationship when I never had the chance to at least TRY marriage for myself and I'm basically living with the ghost of his own divorce. So after a series of run-on sentences and such, I would like to know...is there a right thing to do here? Would I be stupid for leaving even if we are doing relatively well in our day to day relationship? Or should I just stay true to what I want for myself in the FUTURE? My justification has always been that I'm happy now and I don't want the marriage and kids now anyway, but the clock is ticking and its apparently not going to the next level... ever... even if a kid were to come into the picture. As always, the conversation comes up occasionally and usually generates an argument and ends with a , "Well, I don't know what I'll want in 5 years" coming from his end. Honestly, I would have to be a dumbass to believe that so, what 's the advice, Veronica? Should I stay or go?

May 3 years ago

Veronica, thank you for your answer.

There are two reasons - first he said that he does not want that. And that would maybe be discussable if it was not for the second reason - immigration laws. I did look at other possibilities and the only other way for me to move there without getting married would be to get a job there and convince the potential employer to apply for a work permit for me. And I know that there are people that go to the States to work, but they are usually specialists or moving within company and therefore their employers are willing to put effort into organising the paperwork for them. On the other hand, if we did get married I would be able to work there immediately.

This is really an important part because being a housewife is not appealing to me whatsoever (no offence to any housewives), I want to be able to work. Just to add, my fiance has a government job and cannot quit it until his contract is finished - this is why it would have to be me moving over to where he lives.

I just don't quite understand this sudden change of tone - he proposed without any pressure on my side and was really excited about it. Logically that would mean he wants to get married, wouldn't it?

confused 2 years ago

veronica,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, but we were friends for a couple years before that. When I met him, he was married, but after walking in on his wife cheating on him, he moved out. We started dating and now we live together. He has made many comments about our future together. We just bought a boat and put both names on the title. he has no problems or hesitations with us purchasing things together, joint accounts and plans for the future but he still says he doesn't want to get married. He knows I do but I have always said, "someday in the future. I am not in any rush". Which is true but I am not sure he will ever want to. I keep telling myself that it is pain from his marriage that makes him not want to get married and maybe he will come around.

heartbroken 2 years ago

Veronica,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. The realtionship itself was wonderful. He is an amazing man. I never wanted to get married or have children until I met him. However, he said on several occassions he never wanted to get married (again) or have children. We did talk about moving in together soon. He started traveling for work a couple of months ago, 3-4 weeks at a time. On one of his return trips he said he bought me a gift, and for a split second I thought he was going to propose. It was at the time I realized I needed to get out. I told him that I did want a family ONE day, but I was in no rush, but I couldn't continue in a relationship that wasn't headed in that direction. My head knows I made the right decision, but my heart wonders if everything was so wonderful, should that have been enough? Should I have just waited it out longer? His response, by the way, was that he understood and he wished he could say he would feel differently in the future. As I'm writing this It seems completely obvious that I did the right thing. I guess I have doubts because he was soo good to me. I know he loved me, and treated me so well. I just need an objective person to tell me I did the right thing.

Confused 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for the last two years. I am 24 and he is 27, we are very stable with our career and we do not live together. He treats me very well and giving me everything that I ever ask for. We used to joke about the future, and kids, he also even giving me a promised ring after a year of dating. I recently popped the questions about our future and being married just to know where are going from here, but he told me that he is not ready and he doesn't really planning that far (this is true because he just that type of guy and I know that too). He also told me that he loves me and does not want to lose me, but he can't really giving me a promise for our future right now because he doesn't really see himself being married in the next year or two. This whole talk really ruin our relationship because I can't bring myself to not thinking about it every single seconds. I can't get myself back to being mornal anymore because it's upseting me. I know that I am really pressuring him right now (I don't want to it's just happens). I am not asking to being married in the next year or two, i just wanted to know where this relationship is going (he also told me that he doesn't know). What should I do?

Thanks!

paige 2 years ago

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and in that time marriage has been brought up and always his response has been he is not ready. So this last time it was brought up and he said that I said then if you have intentions of marrying me then why can't we be engaged. So he agreed and he gave me the money to go get a ring. I brought it to him (we live together) and he said it was nice and asked me if I was going to wear it. I was actually seeing if he would take it and if not propose at least put it on my finger. He didn't do that though.

Also I thought that when people are engaged they tell their family. He hasn't said anything to his family or anyone. He ignors me when I ask him. However though his sister knows cause she seen the ring.

I am kind of thinking that the ring was to buy him more time. Because another fact is that. We had talked together and he said we could get married at the end of the year when he took vacation. Well he plans on taking vacation in August. I have a funny feeling marriage is not going to happen. He has promised me other times that we would get married and on those certain dates nothing. This is the first time he has bought me a ring. But again I think cause it will buy him more time.

I hate wearing something that is one expensive and number two doesn't mean anything. Tell me if you agree with me on this one. I feel like I should take that ring back and buy a cheap ring because he is never going to marry me. Why waste all that money on something I probably wont be wearing that long.

Any advice would help. I want to add this too and maybe this makes it obvious I just want another opinion. He has always come up with excuses on why we shouldn't get married but never on why he wants to or why we should.

Advice please

Paige 2 years ago

Ok this might sound silly but I am obviously going to take the ring back. Is it a good idea to buy a really cheap one because he will notice that it is not on my finger and ask questions and honestly. When I have brought up the fact that I didn't think he was serious even though I have a ring he denies it and such and well, I just dont feel like getting into anything on why I am not wearing a ring because if I know him he will suggest now that I don't want to get married and turn the whole thing around even though I know he doesn't really want to.

Paige 2 years ago

In all honesty, I have thought this through and everything I have thought about made me decide that I infact don't want what I thought I wanted. I know and have known for sometime that his intentions are not to marry me. Exactly what I said above, the giving me money to buy the ring is just away to buy more time an expensive way but a way.

Right now I am in the situation where I can not just up and leave. I am on disability right now and am waiting a settlement and when that time comes I will go my seperate ways. I have no family I can live with and all my friends (what little friends I have) They all have husbands and children and dont have the space right now. I too have a little one with this man.

It isn't that I can't talk to him because I have talks with him all the time. This particular talk however is much different because of the fact I now don't want to get married and in the last two years, well have asked several times and never got any where with him and now he says he does even though both you and I know he has no intentions on marrying me.

John 2 years ago

Hi, I came across this page while searching for this exact question and even though it's 2 years old you're still replying to comments so maybe I'll ask.

I've been with a girl now for 5+ years and I met her while I was living overseas. 6 months into our relationship I moved back to Canada and she moved over here with me (she had already been planning to come here since before we met). After being together for a year I proposed; she hesitantly said yes but said she wasn't ready. Fast forward three years, she still wasn't ready and my proposal was still a secret from her friends and family back home. We broke up for a few months but then got back together. She wants to get married but now I'm the hesitant one and not ready. I think I was naive before and I don't think I was really ready nor do I think I am now. On top of that she really wants me to move with her back overseas, but honestly I would prefer to stay here. I do love her but even after so much time I don't think I ready for marriage and I am unable to give her a satisfactory answer as to why not.

just a kid. 2 years ago

Thank you billy... finally!!

Somebody who agrees...

This advice has been most helpful.

LSL 2 years ago

SOS Veronica and folks!

I have been living with my boyfriend for 10 months and we have been for one year together. I am 28 and he is 29 years old. We don t have financial troubles thanks God, but the stability of our jobs is not optimal.

We are happy together, and we love each other a lot. We talk about plans for our future, like buying a house together, but he is really evasive on the subject of getting married. I introduced the marriage topic to him by making small jokes, in a friendly way, expressing my desire to marry him. He was taking a censorship kind of attitude towards my jokes so we discussed that and he acknowledged his attitude. Now, I can joke in a friendly way about the topic and it is fine with him, but he is still not willing to talk about it. I feel frustrated, downgraded, and it hurts so much that I am reckoning making a move. How should I manage all these feelings? I started questioning myself in many aspects....for example, should I be living with him? I don t want to hurt myself , neither want I to hurt him. And I only want us to get married when we both really want it.

Living with him make it more difficult for me to cope with these feelings. I am considering moving out. What shall I do?

LSL 2 years ago

SOS Veronica and folks!

I have been living with my boyfriend for 10 months and we have been for one year together. I am 28 and he is 29 years old. We don t have financial troubles thanks God, but the stability of our jobs is not optimal.

We are happy together, and we love each other a lot. We talk about plans for our future, like buying a house together, but he is really evasive on the subject of getting married. I introduced the marriage topic to him by making small jokes, in a friendly way, expressing my desire to marry him. He was taking a censorship kind of attitude towards my jokes so we discussed that and he acknowledged his attitude. Now, I can joke in a friendly way about the topic and it is fine with him, but he is still not willing to talk about it. I feel frustrated, downgraded, and it hurts so much that I am reckoning making a move. How should I manage all these feelings? I started questioning myself in many aspects....for example, should I be living with him? I don t want to hurt myself , neither want I to hurt him. And I only want us to get married when we both really want it.

Living with him make it more difficult for me to cope with these feelings. I am considering moving out. What shall I do?

sad 2 years ago

I'm really upset, so i decided to write how i feel. I just wanted to share...

I’m tired and frustrated.

Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I stop being emotional? I can feel big walls building around me again. I’m starting to step back. I don’t feel like giving myself, my whole self, because I’m afraid that eventually I’m going to get hurt.

Yes, other people live together for the rest of their lives unmarried. But I’m not one of those people. I’m happy for them but I don’t want what they have. I want something more. Something secured.

Now, no matter how hard I try not to think about it, I just can’t. Eventually it might go out of my mind but surely my frustrations will manifest on my actions. I just can’t give myself wholly right now. I’m really scared that this is happening.

I don’t feel like being intimate anymore. I don’t want it. I don’t feel like doing it.

My chest feels heavy. I can’t breathe. Pain… so much pain….

I love you but I’m saddened by you…

Mylee 2 years ago

I've enjoyed reading all these comments and can hardly believe it spans over two years! You're very dedicated, Veronica, I admire that!

Anyway, apologies for bothering you, but I've not really found an answer in spite of all the experiences I've read here.

I've been with my boyfriend for three years - four years on Thursday. We met at University and as such have been living together more or less from the start - we lived opposite each other in Halls (I believe they're called Dorms in the States; we're English) and then in shared house the following year, finally moving into our own house the year after. We're now both 22, which I know is young to be thinking about marriage, but given the time we've been together, combined with other trials (financial, family and personal illness, bringing up puppies!) we have a certain mature closeness. At least I like to think so!

The issue is that I want to get married, but he is not ready. His not readiness is apparently not to do with love, not wanting to get married and so on but to do with our lives. He has just given up his job to pursue an MSc, not only to better himself but because he has suffered from (according to therapy abuse induced) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder from the age of eight, meaning he can't really cope with the restraints of an office.

I don't believe I am wholly obsessed with my own desire here. I try all the time to ensure he is happy, safe and secure - at times I feel more like a mother than a girlfriend. I take care of the cooking and most of the cleaning, as these are things he simply can't do without falling into compulsive patterns. I often feel our relationship has become rather one sided in this sense and I worry that this is going to eventually make me bitter, as when I try to talk about getting married I always end up feeling selfish and needy, trying to get something that I feel I want.

I'm feeling very confused about this now. I want to be married for the extra layer of security and solidarity I feel it would give me - call me naive or idealistic if you will, but I imagine being his wife will just be the embodiment of the feelings of closeness and friendship I already have for him.

And yet, he doesn't want to get married, because he says he'd rather wait until he's in a happier place. But he has been ill for over fourteen years, he may never be able to work - it's impossible for me to see when he'll be in a happier place!

Any advice you have would be appreciated. Again, apologies for my minor thread necromancy.

ajnorth 2 years ago

This is a fantastic page. I was hoping you might be able to shed a little light on my situation. I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years now, however, it doesnt seem like that long due to a job I had that took me away from home for 4 months and a trip for work that she took for 6 months. Over the past year she has had many friends get married, which has turned into a lot of eyes looking at me wondering why we arent engaged, and I hate it. Additionally, over the past year she has taken a new job that requires long hours, and evenings full of studying. She also plans on going to get a graduate degree. She constantly complains about having little to no social time, however she does it to herself since she is so ambitious. Because of all this our relationship has started to get stale and boring for stretches of time. Its almost as if we are an old boring married couple already. I hate this as well. How can I even consider the idea of marriage to someone who is so consumed with where they want their career to go? How can I talk to her about the fact that I am getting bored without hurting her feelings. We live together and have a very decent life, but I never expected to be this bored in a relationship with someone who is looking at me to propose. What in the world am I supposed to do?

loveygal 29 2 years ago

Hi there,

I have been reading the other posts and I wanted to add my story...I love my bofriend to pieces and in the past he was greatly opposed to marriage where I had gotten to the point that I loved him so much that maybe I would be ok if we never married...I've never been a big marriage person but when I became serious with THIS person it just seemed like the step logical step, this is my first mature relationship and most enjoyable of all, we have been together 3 years I am going to be 30 Sunday and he is 33. In the last 8months he was been talking about marriage alot and what I our children are going to be named, and we both agreed on a timeline that at the end of 2009 we would make a firm decision about both our futures...until them I try my damnest not to bring up the conversation we agree on a time line so I try not to mention...

recently he has been down and not in the best mood and we were not getting along and then he tells me doesn't want to get married and I am like wow, then he like I just don't want to maybe not even for 5 years, mind you he is 33 that would make 38 and me 35...after he said it he starts crying, he never cries, im hurt and upset I leave and go home in the morning don't return. He wants me to come back but I don't I feel like so I am home...I feel like we are back at square one..I had really hoped he was past this...he asked me to call him tonight he had been calling most of the day just to say hi...

so I call him and I ask him why? and when did things change? He had been saying yes to marriage for the last 8 months or more he is saying I can't do it, won't do it for 5 years. I told him i can't understand...he says he just doesn't want to come home to wife and kids it is too much pressure...I say ok then its not much further we can go from here, I think it might be time to move on...it truely sucks that this has come up after all the things we have been through together and all we have shared....not sure if there is anything to be done but any advise you can offer would wonderful

Thank you

Gilly 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I am 36 and my girlfriend is 21. We've lived together for 2 years and she has told me that at some point she would love to marry me and have children together. I love her to bits too, very very much but i just don't want marriage and i don't have a fatherly urge to reproduce either. We had the "chat" about it a few weeks ago and she cried even though I explained my feelings for her grow all the time.

Am I being a coward? Should I tell her to leave and cause her (and myself) alot of pain now, rather than a huge amount more in later years? Maybe I will change my mind on it all though - and I would be a fool to let her go - she is an amazing girl, beautiful, bright and sooo mature - she has an old soul. Her family love me to bits too and her mum who is 20 years my senior said she would love me as a son in law. I love her family too but i just feel too much of a free spirit, and i don't mean about other women either, I mean generally. I cannot stand being told to do something i don't want and i think i am pretty selfish on that side of things, but then i don't expect other people to do anything other than what they want either. Me and my girlfriend generally do the same things cos we like the same things - otherwise it would not have lasted 2 years! I think my family upbringing because it was so very restrictive and I wasn't allowed to do hardly anything i wanted might be somewhat responsible for the way i am now, and my parents argued all the time and me and my sister would sit at dinner crying when we were small. Maybe that is why i don't want marriage, who knows... :(

Lee Thacker 2 years ago

I like the way your brain thinks, makes me feel alive listening to what your thinking, very cool...Keep it up ...PS Now I Know Why I bookmarked your page ;-) ...Hope you are doing well,

worried 2 years ago

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now and we are both in our late 20's. For the first four years my boyfriend spoke of marriage all the time. THEN HE CHANGED HIS MIND!! this change of mind coincided with him moving to another country (i didnt) We have maintained a long distance relationship but I am going to emigrate and join him next week. I have quit my good job to do this and i feel hurt and angry and stupid!! what will i do?!?

judyti 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I wrote to you a while back regarding my non-commital boyfriend. As much as I believe myself to be a rational person the thought of my boyfriend of 2 years not wanting to marry me consumed me. I came to the realization that when he would tell me that he didn't want to get married what I was hearing was "I don't love you enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you". That became to much to bare. I am not the type of woman to nag at anyone so one night I just started talking to him about it and he told me that he knew for a fact that he NEVER wanted to get married and that it had nothing to do with me "He didn't want to marry me or anybody ever". Never the less I beleive in my heart that if the right person came along he would chang his mind. I was no longer happy in that situation so I moved out.

He was Ok with it at first but after about a month he wrote me asking me to meet him so that we could talk. At this point in time I had already found a new apartment and was living on my own. He told me that he had thought about it and he did want to get married someday and that if things went well him and I would marry. We got back together but I did not move back in. I refuse to move back in with him unless we are married. Not that he wanted me to move back in at this point anyway. After about two months of being back together when the subject is brought up again he tells me that he doesn't know when and IF he will ever be ready and he doesn't even want to live with anyone right now. So, I am back at square one. Part of me thinks that perhaps I heard in his apology what I wanted to hear and not what he was really saying. I am so angry at myself for having put myself in this situation once again. I feel like I should have been stronger and have been more specific about what I wanted before I took him back.

The deal is that its not about marriage really, its more about the feeling of rejection. When you tell someone that you want to marry them your telling them that you consider them the right person for you, that special person you are willing to spend the rest of your days with. That is a huge deal, and when that person tells you that they don't want to marry you what you hear is "your not as special to me and I am not AS SURE about how I feel about you". It's not a good feeling when you realize that your the one the loves more in a relationship.

MGUY 2 years ago

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. When I entered in to this relationship, I had no intention of making it as serious as it is, but it has certainly gotten there now and it feels like quite a mess.

I am 23 and my gf is 20. She is constantly pressuring me to get married. But I dont feel ready for it yet, because of my selfish reasons such as having a career. She has an abusive father, so that is another reason that she wants to drop out of college and start living with me, so she doesnt have to deal with her family.

Also, she suffers from something called trichotillomania, where she cant stop pulling her hair when upset, so I am kinda scared of having conversations with her that might piss her off.

She is also overly dependent on me, and not mature enough to think how her actions will affect me in my circumstances.

All this being said, she is certainly a very loving person as well, and has a good heart, some temper problems, and does a lot for me in this relationship. Like I know if we are married she will do all she can to take care of me as long as she isnt having one of her anger tantrums.

I dont mean to rant on about my gf, I know I have my faults too, and I can get lazy, and seem too non-chalante in this relationship at times, and cant decide if I ever want to be married.

Currently, she is driving me insane by asking me to propose, and I love this person but I am just not ready yet.

She seems to go through phases of depression (i feel like) due to her horrible family, and in the past has talked about committing suicide, at which point I would talk to her and make her feel better.

So, my question is, I have pretty much had it in this relationship and know that I am not built to handle the fights and junk and I want out!! She either needs to change for which I will give her as long as she needs, but I will certainly leave her if she doesnt get it and keeps pressuring me to get engaged.

But, I am worried. Will she is able to move on? Because she is very stubborn, almost clinically depressed, antisocial at times, has talked about suicide in the past, freaks out over everything.. I have tried everything in all different forms to try to get her to go to a therapist, but she is just too stubborn. Her parents are retarded enough to not address it either and just make it worse by getting mad at her for it.

I know.. FML

I dont wanna break up with someone i love and then find out later on that she did something horrible to herself.. I wont be able to forgive myself.

I have considered faking how I feel and staying in this relationship till she gets better and is able to get a hold of her life, and then dump her, just so that I kinda know that she will fare well after me.

Sorry for this poorly organized post, but what should I do??

MGUY 2 years ago

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. When I entered in to this relationship, I had no intention of making it as serious as it is, but it has certainly gotten there now and it feels like quite a mess.

I am 23 and my gf is 20. She is constantly pressuring me to get married. But I dont feel ready for it yet, because of my selfish reasons such as having a career. She has an abusive father, so that is another reason that she wants to drop out of college and start living with me, so she doesnt have to deal with her family.

Also, she suffers from something called trichotillomania, where she cant stop pulling her hair when upset, so I am kinda scared of having conversations with her that might piss her off.

She is also overly dependent on me, and not mature enough to think how her actions will affect me in my circumstances.

All this being said, she is certainly a very loving person as well, and has a good heart, some temper problems, and does a lot for me in this relationship. Like I know if we are married she will do all she can to take care of me as long as she isnt having one of her anger tantrums.

I dont mean to rant on about my gf, I know I have my faults too, and I can get lazy, and seem too non-chalante in this relationship at times, and cant decide if I ever want to be married.

Currently, she is driving me insane by asking me to propose, and I love this person but I am just not ready yet.

She seems to go through phases of depression (i feel like) due to her horrible family, and in the past has talked about committing suicide, at which point I would talk to her and make her feel better.

So, my question is, I have pretty much had it in this relationship and know that I am not built to handle the fights and junk and I want out!! She either needs to change for which I will give her as long as she needs, but I will certainly leave her if she doesnt get it and keeps pressuring me to get engaged.

But, I am worried. Will she is able to move on? Because she is very stubborn, almost clinically depressed, antisocial at times, has talked about suicide in the past, freaks out over everything.. I have tried everything in all different forms to try to get her to go to a therapist, but she is just too stubborn. Her parents are retarded enough to not address it either and just make it worse by getting mad at her for it.

I know.. FML

I dont wanna break up with someone i love and then find out later on that she did something horrible to herself.. I wont be able to forgive myself.

I have considered faking how I feel and staying in this relationship till she gets better and is able to get a hold of her life, and then dump her, just so that I kinda know that she will fare well after me.

Sorry for this poorly organized post, but what should I do??

unknown 2 years ago

my sis has been with this guy for 3 years and he has another son with someone else but my sister is 21 and he is 35 and they had a child thats 4 months old do you think they will get married

XLAURAX 2 years ago

Hi Veronica I'm really impressed by all the posts I have read and the advice that you have given. I've been in a relationship for almost 9 years now. Both me and my boyfriend are 40 years old and have been seeing each other since we were 31. We both have 16 yr old boys from previous relationships, we have a lot in common as well. My problem is that now that I'm 40 I want to get married, the boyfriend don't he says he wants to wait till hes 40-50 yrs old. I have broken it off with him, but he still has yet to get it through his head that we are over. He still tries to get me to come over for dinner etc. Of course I turn all offers down. I was very good to him friends, family see it. I do for him as if he was already my husband and we don't even live together. When at his house I cook clean do his laundry clean his whole house for him. I feel he has gotten way to comfortable with the way things are and him not having to make a commitment to me. He tells me hes faithful which i do believe and says that is the only commitment he can make to me and continue to be faithful. Oh and by the way he was married twice before at the age of 18 which lasted 2 months then again at 22 which didn't even last a year. He sees I'm being strong this time and not giving in and its making him upset and he says stuff to me out of anger, but yet tells me he loves me I really don't think he wants to lose me but at the same time he doesn't want to marry me. I hope you can give me some advice as to what I should do. Thanks Veroncia!

Slowly breaking 2 years ago

Hello. I've told my family about my situation and I am just looking for a 20th opinion... My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and we were friends for 2 years before we realized we were both madly in love. Not even 3 months into our relationship he began to talk about marriage and kids. (I am 25 and he is 26.) I never saw myself as the type to be concerned with marriage as I never worried about it in my past relationships but since my boyfriend seemed so passionate about it and so sure, I began to love the idea of sharing the joy of marriage an parenthood with him. The problems began once he started to become wishy-washy about our future. On one side he is pounding our lovely future into my head and even his family knew about his plan to propose and how many kids he wanted. On the other end, he would act like I was pressuring him if I tried to talk about our future like what kind of wedding he wanted. He had previously stated that we should start coming up with a plan even without the official proposal. Yet if I brought it up he would act like I was nagging him so I would drop it and just days later he would ask me if I had been searching wedding options... At around 6 months of dating with him giving me mixed signals he wanted to take me ring shopping and we found the perfect one for me and he even browsed for his ring. I assumed at that time that it okay to proceed with the wedding plans and he again brushed it off and told me to drop it so I did. After being with him for 6 months I had discovered that he was still talking to his ex's and doing his best to hide it from me. I was upset because I knew it wasn't just innocent conversation because he was so sneaky about it and there were times when I would sit down by him and coincidentally catch him in the act of texting something he obviously didn't want me to see because he would delete it immediately. I tried to pay no mind to it until I found out he attempted to go to an ex's house without me. He then wondered why I was acting paranoid and untrusting... I finally told him I was not okay with him communicating with those women anymore because I felt he had something to hide. He agreed to discontinue but it still took me some time to have full trust in him again. That must have made him rethink our relationship because all the wedding talk stopped on his end. 6 months later we had reached a year and was back on track and we began planning our future. Within 2 months we had it all planned out and had even put down non-refundable deposits. We were still not engaged nor had he purchased my ring but our wedding was otherwise in full swing. He even told me to go buy a wedding dress so I did. Things were going well and we had informed everyone we were planning to invite of our date. His mother is very over-bearing and he is her "baby" and as a diagnosed and proud of it bipolar she is constantly screwing with our relationship and getting into his head. She only likes me when I do as she says which is almost never so she calls him everyday to state her feelings on me and our relationship and he usually listens. (She is a whole other story to tell and I don't think any of us have time for that) about a week after he and I made our wedding deposits his mom suggested we change our date because it didn't work for one of her sisters. My bf pushed me to change the date and then within the next 2 weeks she managed to get him to feel pity for her and change our date 3 note times!! No joke! I began to try and stick up for myself and informed him that it's not his mothers wedding, it's ours and he proceeded to tell me that he needed to make his mother happy. Okay, but what about me? Your future wife. She then managed to convince him that we should just cancel our plans for a family oriented wedding and go to Vegas. He agreed and of course I felt I had to as well so I managed to get back our biggest deposit which still left us (mostly my money) to call it a loss on about $1000. We figured out our Vegas wedding plan and then his mom (again) told us it was "okay" for us to just proceed with our ORIGINAL wedding plan and date but before we could get it all back together (and after me finding myself holding back from wanting to beat them both senseless! Too much?) my bf and his mother went house hunting and decided to put the wedding on hold all together (which I fully expressed my hurt feelings of him letting our plans fall down the drain just like that) because he found a house that we can barely afford and had to have it so we could no longer afford a wedding. He could also no longer afford my ring. We moved in 2 months ago and out of the blue he mentions selling his motorcycle to be able to afford my ring. I was shocked but didn't get my hopes up. He didn't sell his bike but he did text me while he was at the mall to tell me about a $1800 tv that he wants but is "thinking it can wait cause he is gonna buy my ring." he came home with the tv! No ring. I tell him that sucks and he is making me feel like he doesn't want a future with me and he goes off and tells me that I'm selfish and all I think about is what I want, marriage and kids, and that he bought this nice house for me to live in which I should be grateful for because he'd much rather have a house than get married and i just unleashed on him and said that if he hadn't screwed with my head for over a year and put my feelings aside constantly I wouldn't be so bothered by it all and I'm grateful for this nice house but he is the one making me look obsessed with getting married when I was only going along with him at his pace yet it's "my fault" that I'm still concerned with our future?! Last month he started talking about a court house wedding and trying for a baby. I told him that after he proposes we will talk and he and I agreed to just buy cheapy rings to seal the deal til we can afford the real deal. He bought my ring online for $50 and it has been in the house for a month now. He went and spent nearly $1000 on a akc puppy and in my opinion is usin it as an excuse to not be able to afford or have time for kids in the future and just yesterday he asked when we could go apply for our marriage license and I told him we could make an appointment to go in this week and he "no, let's wait awhile. I want the time to feel right." so now I'm back at square one and he shows no signs of proposing yet he professes his love to me daily and still manages to be in complete denial that there's something wrong with his logic and our relationship! He blames it all on me... That we can't afford the things we want like a wedding or kids because "I don't bring in sh*t money wise." He is ignoring me a lot lately and disregarding my opinions and if he asks me something like "why does our dog keep peeing in the house? Is he marking his territory?" and he knows I know the answer because I used to work taking care of dogs and I tell him the answer and he looks at me like I'm stupid, calls his mom (not an expert by any means) and asks her, she says the opposite of what I say and he believes her and then the vet tells him what I said and he finally believes it and then tells me he "knew I was right but wasn't sure." he does this often and i don't know if it's just me or he just doesn't take me seriously and thinks that this is his world and I just live in it. I am sorry this is so very long but I needed to give the whole story to an unbiased party to know if I'm wrong and what I should do. Help me please!

MGUY  2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

So, as you recommended, I told her the truth, that she was using my relationship as something to hide behind and it was allowing herself to become weaker and not really deal with her life. I told her that I am not gonna be able to constantly save her as she would like because I will have my own life to deal with.

She took it all to heart, and broke up with me. She says we arent on the same page and so she will not be with me anymore. She said the relationship was just hurting her.

I know she is very depressed atm, and I feel very shitty also. I think I have really hurt her this time and may have created too much destruction to be able to get back.

But were my reasons right?? I mean I know is not my responsibility to fix her life, but she was suffering a lot. She had trichotillomania, and an abusive father that makes her life hell and keeps on verbally abusing her. I feel like she deserved to just leave her home and get married with someone to get away from all that. But I held out on her like a jerk, and all I did was threw her back in the fire by telling her that she needed to learn to deal with it on her own..

Now, she is probably at a very low point in her life. She will probably get very suicidal at times and she wont allow me to help her out anymore. I know she doesnt deserve this.

She wouldnt want me to tell her family, who dont know the extent of the depression and suicidal feelings she has. Her dad just tells her that she is a bitch for her depression and trichotillomania and wont allow her to get proper help from a doctor.

Should I interfere, against my gf's wish and may be try to meet and tell her mother (who I hope is more considering but probably wont be) or her brother, and make a case that she need to get help from a doctor?? I mean chances are that her family will probably blame her again, give her shit, and keep on abusing her. But then on the flip side, may be it will have an effect and they will get her help.

My gf is gonna hate me completely if I do this without her knowing, and she will probably try to retaliate, but I think she needs help, and if things arent addressed in her life, she will only get worse.

Her parents are very asian, so there is a great cultural divide. I hate them, because I think that they are very much responsible for my gf's situation. Idk if they will even care for what I have to say. But should I still try to talk??

Naomi 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Hi, I'm 26yrs old from Japan and my bf is same age as me but American. We’ve been together for over a year and have mutual friends to hang out with.

I let him to spend time with his friends whenever he wants and never put any pressure on him. We don't fight, things were really great between us.

Last week he came back from work told me that there’s no future between us. I told him that I don’t want to get married in 4 years.

But he said he can't live in Japan forever and I can't move to America for him. He was worried a lot of international relationship ends badly and it might happen to us.

He doesn’t even know when he wants to get married and if we move to America together, he thinks i would be almost like a marriage, a huge commitment and he’s not ready for that.

I’ve lived in states for a year when I was in college and I also know that life in America with him would be tough but I’m willing to try not just for him for myself too.

He is planning to stay in Japan for another year but said that he can’t drag me on this and I deserve someone better who doesn’t feel this way when he tells me he loves me and cares about me..

I def want to keep our relationship no matter what but he thinks that brings us a bad ending..

What should I do..? I need help.

Flip-flop 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half (I am 24 and he is 25). Before that we dated on an off for 5 years, mostly because he is in the military and I was in college and neither of us were in a place where we wanted a serious relationship. Yet, somehow we always managed to circle back to one another. The current situation is this: we have lived together for 6 months and while I do not want to get married anytime soon (I am only 24 after all), I don’t want to waste my time if marriage isn’t in the cards in the future (like 5 years out). Before we moved in together, he had set aside money for an engagement ring and was all about getting engaged, having a long engagement, then getting married. Since we have moved in together, his attitude toward marriage has done a complete 180. He spent the money set aside for a ring as a down payment on a new motorcycle and has decided that since we are happy they way we are now, we shouldn’t change anything…ever. I believe his exact words were that there was no reason to get married unless we needed to because of medical insurance or something of that nature.

I know that he looks at this relationship as long term because he always talks about our future together and we make plans for the future together. For instance, he purchased a road bike and triathlon gear and has started training with me so that we can do a triathlon together when he gets back from ranger school next summer. He was not very interested in cycling, but he got involved in it because he knew it was something I really liked and he wanted to be involved in the things I was doing.

Another wrinkle in the story is that I have been having some medical issues and it’s looking like I will need to have my gall bladder taken out here soon. My medical insurance in my new job is not nearly as good as my previous job’s insurance and the surgery will cost a lot out of pocket. I make a decent amount of money as I am a CPA, but I also have a large amount of student loan debt due to my speeding through undergraduate and graduate school in 5 years and I took a large pay cut for my new position, but I’m so much happier at work now so I feel that was worth it. If I indeed need the surgery, he wants to get married so that I can have the benefit of his insurance and not put “us” (his words) in more debt.

In the end, I just end up confused. I know he loves me and wants to be with me long term, but I do want to get married eventually and I don’t want to push him into getting married because of my medical issues if that isn’t what he wants. Any advice you could give me is welcome.

Gipsy 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I'm loving your advice - and agreeing with most of it - but am struggling a little with applying it to my situation.

I'm 28, my bf is 35 and we've only been going out for 6 months. I'm not an experienced 'relationship-haver' and this is the first time a relationship has gone beyond 3 months for me. I know that my brain tends to get overinvolved in things like this...

He was with his ex-wife for ten years (only married for one though), and now tells me that he doesn't believe in marriage because it didn't 'do' anything for him then - nothing changed from before they were married. When we first discussed this about 3 months in, I suspected that the reason for 'no change' was because they'd been living together for 6 years, and didn't want children - so of course nothing was going to change after marriage!

My perspective was (and still is) that I want children, and I can't do that without a partner willing to put his signature on the line and say that he'll be there for them and for me even when it's not fun. I came to this realisation a week after our initial conversation, and shared it with him straight away. We left it at mutual awareness, no promises or concessions on either side.

He mentions kids and buying houses and 'future' things and in the first month or two he was really big on babies and having them with me specifically, but now these things are rarely mentioned in concrete terms - they're more passing comments than conversations - and never in terms of 'we could do this or that'. After 3 months he asked me to move in, but last month when we hit the date that we'd agreed to make the arrangements to move, I chickened out.

Partly it was because I didn't want to move onto his turf - finding a place to rent that would allow his space-needy working dog would be really difficult, and his place needs so much work that it couldn't be rented out yet. So mine would have to be rented out, I'd have to get rid/store/rent my furniture and move into his place. There's a bit of identity-loss in that - for example my books won't fit in his bookcases and my two very modest bookcases won't fit in his house. I'm an editor: I can't put them in storage. Moving into a 'neutral' territory would enable us to both bring things without displacing the other's.

Partly, I was also afraid of losing my lifestyle - I have an apartment in the city within walking distance of work and my friends, whereas he lives over half an hour down the highway out of town.

Partly - and probably the biggest 'partly' - is that occasionally I feel that he just had a girlfriend-shaped vacancy in his life, and I now fit it sufficiently well that if I move in all will continue on the same way for forever, with me waiting for him to change his mind on marriage.

I want to live overseas, and would love to have a mobile family - I had a mobile childhood and want my kids to benefit from what you can learn from other countries - not just seeing them and then moving on, but actually living with and developing an understanding of other cultures. I feel that if I stay with my bf I will miss out on both of these opportunities. I've suggested us spending some time living overseas together, but he said he's got too much here right now that he doesn't want to leave - but he supports me if I want to go. Strangely, that kind of makes me feel a bit guilty. And given his own long-term plans, a mobile family will most likely not happen. I'm afraid I'll end up feeling bitter about opportunities lost.

Is it too soon for me to want to clarify this? I don't want commitment yet, I just want to know if marriage is on the table. I don't want us to be wasting each others' time if we're not after the same thing. And now seems like as good a time as any to end it, before we end up living together and fighting over DVDs... Then again, maybe it's just my inexperience making me scared and looking for any excuse to break up to get back to my comfort zone.

Gipsy 2 years ago

Thanks for your advice Veronica. I think it was exactly what I was expecting to hear. He's a truly wonderful person, and I get excited whenever we're together, but when we're not in the same place at the same time I realise I don't know where we're going or how we're getting there, and that it seems to be my life bending around his, rather than twisting together.

Most of the successful long-term relationships I've seen are like yours - the right people at the right time and it happens in a flash.

Thanks again.

Upset 2 years ago

I have been with my BF for 5 years. In this time marriage has come up a few times and he has said that he wants to marry me but has always put it off. He has promised me two times certain dates and both those dates have passed.

So the other day he comes and says to me, what are we doing this weekend? I said nothing and he said good because we have been invited to a wedding. When I asked who's wedding he said his son's wedding. I simply stated well at least he knows what he wants and walked away.

A few hours later he came to me and asked me if I wanted to go to the court house to get our license. I told him only if you really wants to. So we go to get our license.

In an earlier conversation he had mentioned and had me ask his sister if she would marry us. So I asked him, when do you want me to call your sister? He said "no no don't call her yet, in fact don't tell anyone we need rings"

So that night we went online and bought rings but he still hasn't told anyone. I even told him when the rings will be here and he just ignores it.

My guess is he is trying to quiet the baby with a pacifier and has no intentions on actually going through with the marriage.

What do you think? , and if he has no intentions of marrying me, why would he go to such great lengths to get a license and rings?

I always thought that once you got the license and you intended on using it, you would tell people at least family. He hasn't done either.

The license expires on Feb 9th 2010. Do I just wait it out?

The only reason I had made that commit to him was because his son just got divorced 2 years ago and has only been with this girl for 2 years (off and on I might add)and we have been together for 5 years and have not had problems. Just that he has put off marriage a few times.

Friend or Fiance 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

My question is not should I get married, or will he ever marry me, but rather do you honsetly believe there is potential in the relationship I currently have.

Me and my guy have known one another for almost 5 years, we are both 21 (yes really young I know). He is my best friend in every sense of the word. We have never officially dated for various resons mostly because I moved away and we go to colleges in diffrent states. We talk on the phone constantly and set up periods of time to visit one another durring the year, averaging about four 2 week sessions. Now we love eachother, we get along well, dont really fight besides small things that we quickly can compromise and sort out. We tell one another everything including the details of our relationship lives with other people, because since we are not dating we are allowed ot see other people, and because we do love one another we want to be open about everything. So to get to my question. We have talked about relationships, he wants one even if its long distance, I am warming up to the idea I just didnt want to limit ourselves in college since we are so young, but I have come to the realization that he is my best friend, I love him, I can't have anything better than that. Now we both graduate in a year, we have gone back and forth with the idea that when we graduate I will move to wherever he ends up (He already has a job in line and it requires him to relocate but it hasn't been determine exactly where at). My question is does this make and sense for someone to be doing at 21, or 22? I feel like we are so young, yet so perfect. I'm not saying we will get married or I expect him to propose after I move with him, but if I am going to move I would like there to be a possibility of it in the future. Do you think im mistaking reliability and companinship the "safe choice" for love, or rather that I am taking into account the many dimensions of relationships and am not being swept away by mere "butterflies"?

Marie 2 years ago

Veronica -

It still hurts. I was with a man for almost 4 years, lived together for 2, neither of us have ever been married but we each have children in their early twenties. He is 50 I am 42. Dated for 2 years, moved in together, had bumps along the way but worked everything out he asked me to move in and I agreed but said I did not want to play house and that I wanted a commitment and did he want to talk about it. He said yes I want to get married I want to spend my life with you blah blah blah so I said okay we are on the same page oh yes honey you are everything to me okay great. 2 years later I casually bring up "discussing" marriage/engagement (neither of us wants anymore kids)and he said well can we talk about it later because I'm having problems with work, kids mother, etc. I said okay when would you like to talk about this? He said XSXX (6mths from then) I said ok great and didn't say a word for 6mths. At the appointed time I asked if we could discuss so we talked it all out and decided to get married in 6mths. I can not even begin to tell you how that man turned in to a complete and total psycho in 1mth. Yelling at me, making things up in his mind that may or may not ever happen, it was insane. The final straw is i had an emergency medical procedure and needed him to come home early and he left me at home bleeding crying and in pain and then wouldn't apologize - because according to him I wouldn'nt believe him anyway so what was the point I threw his ass out the next day. After 4 years! Came back a couple weeks later and said well I'm scared of getting married. What kind of idiot would treat someone they love like that because they are scared of marriage? He is now in counseling to "figure out" what is wrong with him. That has been almost 6mths now. How do you get over the betrayal of something like that?

MeHere 2 years ago

Hi Veronica, i have read your wonderful page here and you are a gem, I really hope you answer me candidly and maybe even again as I may have a followup advice request. Thank you in advance. I am 25, 26 soon. He's 30 and our relationship is 2 and half years now. I have recently pushed for marriage in the past couple months but he says we are not ready, things are not as rosy as they used to be in the first year and half or first year. We are christians and i 'recovered' from being sexual with him and put my foot down after the first year though even during that time, it was just a few times...so we dont live together. His elder sister came to the States from africa to live with him and for her masters about a year ago and half ago and that complicated issues as he feels really indebted and obligated to his family and financially supportive, would not let her share rent for 2 BDR apt that he can barely afford & she in turn will not find a good job but recently works in school lib partime for peanuts partime that she uses on herself... and all that and am not sure where that comes in in your advice...but just a mention. Anyway, i keep telling myself that its because he's not financially capable yet is why we are not married because he's taking some steps now - back in school to get his degree after stopping half way with his associate before to help his family and put his siblings to school as he's the only grown man child in the family plus he recently lost his job this year too and has been struggling too with parttime here and there...i am also struggling financially of late after being laid off early this year with newer job of less pay...but in the first year or so he was really serious with me and was even looking for a home when he had it good financially though no ring yet then but i was young and just enjoying the relaionship though from the start he told me he wanted me as the mother of his kids and our goal was to get married finally...anyway, now it looks like from your advice on this page he doesnt want me since he is not showing interest in marriage anytime soon to me & tells me we are not ready allwise and me am just thinking that even if he does want to marry or give me the ring he doesnt have the money, even food these days we are managing to eat. He used to sleep over at my place frequently after a good night out or in watching movies or talking or he studying here or just having a gd time, even if we sleep in different beds as christians and have not had sex since that first year but recently he has stopped totally and always goes back home to his sister at night. i kinda have a feeling and have told him too that he wants out but is too coward to tell me and i have demanded he be sincere but he wouldnt admit a thing. i just feel am being dragged out but i love him very much and he does too but the problem is how much he does, i dont feel very much...do you think he will marry me or give me a ring ever or what?

MeHere 2 years ago

Hi Veronica, its MeHere again. I just posted the main bulk a few minutes ago but left a detail out: he walks out onme a lot this days and is always ready to leave whenever i bring up a topic he does not like or am complaining , i have become complainant of late cos i dont feel heard really anymore...he goes to his place that he stays with his sister he says he makes the tough decisions to leave me hanging and hurt each time for our own good to avoid escalation at the time and for peace or to clear his head...we tend to argue a lot these days but i try to avoid it though and cry and shutup and dont push any topic on if he reacts to it...since i miss him and dont like it when he leaves me all alone to go to his place/apt...sometimes i follow him now. before at the beginning of this mess, he would come back in a few minutes but these days he just goes and does not come back for that day.

MeHere 2 years ago

Thank you so much, Veronica, for your great advice and assessment. I have tried not picking up his calls before and he was brought to tears and he really then gets serious for a while but it seems after time passes and he relaxes again, problems start again...is my only hope now to just break it off for good - let go and move on for good like you said? I really love him and wish for us to work, isn't there a slight chance this would work, is there some way he can really change?

JC 2 years ago

My girlfriend wants to get married NOW, but I'm not sire, and don't know how to let her know that. I do love her and think she's the one, but not so soon. I was initially the one who talked about a life together, and now i fell terrible being the one that needs more time to put everything together. She's been pushing so hard lately, that I feel pressured into making the decision, and am fearful of making the wrong one. Any advise?

confused 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. I am 29, he is 28. We've lived in the same city, in the same apartment, and also long distance, most recently while I was in graduate school. We had a complicated sort of open relationship while I was in school, in which neither of us actually saw anyone else, but we were trying to figure out on our own if we wanted to take the next step together. We lived on different coasts and had our own lives, and saw each other every few months. About a year into this arrangement he broke up with me, saying there were some things he thought he could only figure out alone - REALLY alone. I was devastated, but at the same time I thought he was doing the right thing for himself. He had been molested as a child and teenager and was struggling with these elements of his sexuality and felt like he just couldn't do what he needed to in a relationship. With anyone. And he hoped we'd be together in the future but knew he couldn't ask me to wait, because he didn't know where his journey would take him.

Anyway, six weeks later he contacted me and said he'd realized with certainty that he wanted to be with me forever, to have children with me, to be my family, and that he would figure out how to confront these deep issues from within a relationship, even if it was more difficult. It took a while for him to convince me that he was really where he said he was, but eventually he did. We got back together and saw each other more frequently for the next 6 months, and now we live in the same city.

About six months ago, someone very close to him in his family committed suicide, and the brother of this person (who my boyfriend is the main support person for) is now also suicidal in his grief. My bf has also had several other people very close to him die this year - many of them young. He has slipped into a pretty deep depression and has trouble even imagining that he will feel better again.

Where this gets relevant is that it seems to me that everything changed between my boyfriend and I when this person died. He says he still wants us, and to build a life and family together, but he doesn't act like it. He is distant, disinterested in sex, noncommunicative, and doesn't really want to give up our separate apartments or talk about the future. Specifically, he is very uncomfortable talking about marriage (even though he still says he has no doubts that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life).

I brought up marriage about 6 months ago, like someone in a previous post, because he had good insurance and I had none. And it seemed like we'd already reached this place of being committed life partners, so it didn't feel like a big deal to me - just a piece of paper that would tell others where we were, and allow access to certain legal benefits. I was very surprised and hurt that he was so uncomfortable talking about it. He also recently said he doesn't know if he wants kids, where before he said he wanted them within 2-3 years.

The thing is, I know for the first time in my life that I do want marriage and kids, and I want them with him. I've known this for the past 2 years, really. And I know that my boyfriend is grieving, and I have tried so hard to support him, but he has stopped talking our future, stopped talking about anything of substance with me really (and we used to have great communication), and doesn't seem able to look toward, or fight for, a different kind of reality than what we are in now.

I just don't know what to do. I mean, I don't understand how he can say all the words that go with a life commitment - that he considers me his family, that he wants to have children with me someday, that he wants to love me forever and get old with me - and be SO uncomfortable talking about actual marriage in the near future. Is it reasonable to assume grief is the source of his hesitation and that this will pass? Or does it seem more likely that he ultimately doesn't really want what I want (whether he realizes this consciously or not), and his grief makes him less capable of dealing with that in a healthy way?

Thank you so much for any advice.

Waiting 2 years ago

Hi Veronica. I came across your post and found it quite helpful and intriguing. I am hoping you can give me some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years and have lived together for 4. I am 27 and he is 30. For most of our relationship, he has brought up marriage; we have talked in detail about our future wedding and even looked at rings initiated by him. He used to introduce me as his wife, until I requested that he did not until I actually was.

Six months ago, I mentioned that I wanted us to get engaged and we had a serious chat (as opposed to our wedding fantasies and hinting remarks) and he said that he wasn't ready. It completely threw me. After all of his suggesting, he couldn't even define why exactly he wasn't ready. I don't understand what he expects to happen to magically 'make him ready.'

A part of me now thinks that he will never be ready.

I had never seen this hesitation until we seriously discussed the possibility of marriage. I don't want to push him into making a decision or give him an ultimatum. But I feel like I've been unintentionally lead on. I can't even ask him to marry me because I'll always wonder if he agreed because he was expected to. I also don't want to wait forever. Marriage is important to me and not a sacrifice that I feel I should have to be expected to potentially make waiting for him to somehow 'be ready'. Please help!!

so  2 years ago

I was wanting to ask a question

Uncertain 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Thank you for this hub and so many of your others---I stumbled on them the other day and have found a lot of good information and advice. I doubt my situation is going to be terribly unique, but if you could offer any additional insight, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. When we started dating, I was 29 and he was 23. I was hesitant to start dating him initially because I'd come to the point in my life where I wanted a life partner and to start a family, and I thought it was unlikely that we'd be on the same timeline (he on the other hand said "age is just a number"). After about 6 months, we had a serious discussion about timelines and it seemed like we were generally compatible. I made it very clear that I didn't see myself dating him (or anyone else) for more than 18 months without an engagement.

We've been rather serious. He spent Thanksgiving with my family and I spent Christmas with his. Both of our families like each other, which is really important to both of us. He also comes from an area (midwest) and family where getting married on the younger side isn't unusual (his parents were married at 21, many of his friends from college are married). So, it sounds like it's great, but when we spoke about marriage again after returning from Christmas festivities, he's thrown me for a loop. He says that although he loves me, he just doesn't know if he's ready yet for marriage or when he'll be ready. He doesn't know how to figure this out, so he can't really tell me anymore than that.

I appreciate the honesty, but I can't really relate to that state of unknowing. He says that there is nothing else he's waiting on--buying a house, certain job promotion, etc. Needless to say, this leaves me rather unsettled. Part of it is no doubt a fear/insecurity on my part, especially because I was with someone for 5 years who told me much the same thing and I thought I was doing the right thing by being patient and giving him the space/time he needed to figure things out. Since I got burned, I'm more hestitant to extend myself like that again. But the other part is that I'm just afraid that it just means that he doesn't want to marry me (and perhaps doesn't even realize it yet) and I'm not being realistic about it and seeing the writing on the wall. So, my question for you is--where do you draw that line? When should you wait and when is it a lost cause? As of right now, my plan is to continue things through the 18 months (6 months from now--he'll be 25 by then and me 31) I originally spoke about and if there is no proposal, to move on. I don't want to give an ultimatum or to constantly talk about it. I'm confident that he knows where I stand on this and at that point, the only thing left to do is to move on. Is there any other alternative that I'm missing? Would you suggest anything different? I really wish there was a more satisfying option, but I don't see one.

Confused 2 years ago

Hi Veronica

I need advice! 

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years and she has a little boy who is great. I've been step dad since he was 1 so we've raised him together. 

We have problems because she wants to get married (was married before) but I just can't get past some issues we have.

I am 36 and she is 37. 

She is terrible with money and she has got into large amounts of debt without me knowing. She reached breaking point a few months ago and had to tell me about it all. I have been working really hard to become debt free and this has knocked me for 6 because I feel like I'm back where I started.

She has a good salary but most of it goes on debt and bills. If we were try for another child (my first) then she would have to quit her job because it involves being out of the home a lot each day. But then how do we pay for all the debts?

She has a 'must have it now' attitude and she's even started to get angry at me because I won't go into debt myself for things for the house. 

Because money has been tight and because she is unwilling to save the money that she could have left each month then I have not felt like I can move forward with marriage. I have the opinion that if she wants it so much then why isn't she prepared to plan and work for it?

This makes me wonder whether she is right for me, but I can't ever imagine us not being together because we connect so well in so many other ways.  It's like she has 2 sides to her.  

She says that if it was right then I'd want to marry her regardless and I would have found a way to afford an engagement ring.  I have said that we need to save now but she says she won't until I propose to her, but I doubt she ever will.

I feel reluctant to put myself under financial pressure when she has been secretly making a complete mess of her finances.  

Day to day when things are good then we're great together. But everytime a small issue crops up it turns into a massive argument because she feels worthless due to not being married. 

It's make or break time now. Any ideas?

Thanks! 

Charlene 2 years ago

I am 24 years old and my boyfriend is 28, he has a 6 year old child by a girl that he was dating when he was at university. We've only been going out 10 months but he never talks about the future with me, initially when we were first dating he couldnt wait to talk about this with me. Now he talks about marriage and children as if he doesnt want them or at least not till years down the line. He says he doesnt want another child until his son is at least a teenager. I dont want marriage and children right now but I'd at least like to know that he plans them with me.. 7/8 years is a long time to wait for all of this to happen though, I dont want my life to be ruled by the fact that he and his previous girlfriend had a child so young. How to I bring this up in conversation with him? I know I cant push him to want what I

l4l4 2 years ago

Hi,

I'm having the same problem with most of you all here. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and in the last couple of months I've asking him about marriage but it obvious that he doesnt want to get married. It is hard to except the fact that we are not on the same page and I did a stupid mistake and threaten him that if we, as a couple and not going more than boyfriend and girlfriend that I will leave him thin Jan 26 ( our anniversary ). Right now I'm so devastated knowing that this relationship will come to an end. I'm 29 years old and he is 31 years old. I'm afraid that if I didnt threaten him I will be on the same situation 10 years from now. Help!!!!

J in so-cal 2 years ago

I have to be brutally honest here. I really think this all comes down to a very basic thing. Men become more attractive as they get older, and women become less. Sorry but we all know it's true, it's just that nobody likes to say so. It's mean, and it hurts people's feelings, so we never talk about it. But for this very simple reason, this is why women push so much for marriage. If the situation was reversed and men became less physically attractive as they aged, THEY would be pushing for marriage. I think deep down, women understand that a 45 year-old man can still attract a young beautiful woman in her 20's, and generally, the situation does not work the other way around. Women know that marriage brings 'red tape'. As much as they claim they want 'commitment', they also want to bring in 'red tape'. This makes it difficult to get out of a relationship if a more desirable, attractive, woman comes along, which will inevitably happen over the span of decades. You know, you CAN make a commitment without bringing the government into your relationship. But that's not enough, it seems. The 'red tape' ensures that the saying "It's cheaper to keep her" will live on. As men, we are in love with you're beauty. We always will be. We are wired to always be attracted to beauty first and foremost. NOT exclusively, but it is half the equation. Yes, HALF. And we know that inevitably, this half will fade. Now we have a woman who is slowly but surely becoming older, and greyer, and generally less physically attractive. Women call us pigs as if all the men of the world got together and said, "How can we make the lives of women unfair... I know! We'll all make an agreement to be attracted to young beautiful women for the rest of our lives, and have it influence the majority of the things we do!!" Yeah, it sucks. Trust me, we all wish we could change and be more like you. The world would be such a happier place. If you believe in God, then ask him why he made us this way. We as men are not wired to have sex with just one women for the rest of our lives. Can it be done? Yes. But there's that part of every man, that he must force deep down and try to extiguish. And it kills a part of him. It's like cutting off a limb. Women are just not made this way and I don't know why it is like this, but it just is. In a man's perfect world, he could have sex with any women he wants, get it out of his system, and then come home to the woman he enjoys spending the rest of his time with. Sounds crude and yes, "piggish", but that's how we're made. And it's not that we want to hurt anyone. Like I said, it's not a decision that we all decided to make, any more than any of us "decided" that we like pizza or beautiful sunsets, or anything else. This is why the decision is so hard for us. A small, but powerfull, and exhilarating part of us must be killed to make this happen.

A 2 years ago

Hello Veronica- I have been reading the responses you have given on here and I hope that you will respond to my issue. To start, I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 30. I agree that I am young, but I was in the Army for four years and traveled around the world, so I feel a little different that most people my age. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over two years, and have lived together for about a year and a half. We share a joint checking account to pay bills, have both of our names on our lease, and each have our own car. We both make enough money to get by on our own if we needed to. I love him very much and I feel we have a real partnership. I don't know if we will ever get married though. I am not dying to get married, but I don't want to take it off the table some day in the future though. We don't discuss it that much, and when we do it's just joked off. When we visited his family over Christmas, his cousin said to him in front of his family "Hey when's the wedding?" and he said "I don't believe in marriage." I respect his feelings and opinions but I also feel a little disregarded at the same time. Other than this issue, he is a great boyfriend. Should I keep this relationship going only to feel like an idiot in five years when I am an "eternal girlfriend" ?

lilly 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I have been dating a guy for 7 months and I am 32 and he is 36. I was in a long relationship before this for 9 years and was engaged to be married but I broke it off with him because I moved back to my home country to finish study and really fell out of love. Now I have met an amazing guy and at the point of wanting to settle down sometime in the near future but he doesn't know what he wants. Granted it has been a short time. He has been married before but it did not work out. Think he is scared of the whole marriage thing. I have brought up what he wants out of the relationship and he says not to push him. He says he cares about me and enjoys spending time together and would miss me if he lost me but is not ready to settle down anytime to soon. He says if I don't push and let things go along as they are then maybe it would develop to that. He hasn't told me he loves me yet and says it takes him time to love someone. I just don't know how long to wait around?? He did say he wants to get married again and have kids but not to push. I have brought up moving in togther so we can see how it goes. He just moved to a new place and at the beginning he said yes after 6 months of dating but now he has moved in with another friend of his. He now says it's too soon but give it some more time. I just don't know what to do. Shouldn't he know at this point and given his age being in his late 30's whether he can see a future together?

Thankyou for your advice!

medhelp 2 years ago

I have been dating a wonderful man for close to a 1 1/2 years. He is 30 and I am mid 20s. We would both ideally like to start a family in the next 5 yrs but we often dance around the part where we explicitly state with each other. We are both medical students and will be going through the horrific process called the match in which a computerized system places us someplace nearly anywhere in the country for residency training programs that will last three years. We have some say in where we go but some of it is random chance as well. Marriage/engagement significantly increases our odds of ending up in the same area/ city. This is giving us somewhat of a artificial deadline (Especially because applications and interviews start for me in 6 months). What adds further complication is that I am a year ahead of him in school with this move staring me in the face. To him it is still far enough away that he can't worry about it until he passes his board examinations and such... Without this deadline I don't think I would feel quite so much urge to have him commit to a future right now but without it we will likely end up a minimum of several hours apart for the next several years.

We have discussed this at length and I really hear where he is coming from. I understand that he loves me and "wouldn't be with me any longer if he didn't see a future in the relationship". However, within the next 6-9 months I need to decide whether I choose to pursue jobs at places I would be happy if I were still with him or if I were single (and of course this doesn't coincide with the locations of the best programs). There is so much unknown and his advice constantly changes - "apply to my hometown b/c my family is there and I will get to see you part of the year if I can't get into a program in that part of the country" to advising me to make the best choice for my career and hopefully if we work out that will fall into place later. I love him and want to be with him married (or unmarried at least for the next 1-3 yrs) but I feel like I need him to give me some commitment so I can direct my efforts. I honestly don't know how to approach this and don't want to pressure him (but I am of course). I don't want to have regrets that I sacrificed too much for him in terms of my career (and end up unhappy w/ my choice if he doesn't join me in a new city) or didn't sacrifice enough for our relationship if we do get through this move (and have to have a 3 yr long distance relationship). Suggestions??

terry 2 years ago

Hi,

I had a question. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. I brought up the subject of marriage had asked him if he would like to get married in the future, such as in three to 3 and a half years or so. We graduate from college next year. We are in our early twenties (22 and 24) and then he plans to starts his career and I am going to grad school right away or after a year. We plan to continue to live together during this time. We have talked about possible cities to move to so that we both will have be able to find work and attend school. We have agreed on several possibilities. I told him that I do not want to get married until we have had time to start our careers and finish school and are independently financially stable. We have lived together for 2 years and get along very well. I really love him and we get along well with out respective parents. My friends have been asking if we will get marries soon but neither of us have wanted to make such a commitment until we were more mature and ready. He, however, wants to wait at least ten years. I have asked him if he would be willing to compromise if in 4 or five years I was still interested in getting married and he was very opposed to the idea. I am not sure what to make of this. I tried to explain why I might want to get married sooner:

I love his companionship, I love him, I would like to start a family and plan my family with my spouse. He simply said he does not want to any sooner and would not explain why. I do understand I can enjoy his company and even have a family without getting married which is why I am willing to wait but I am not sure if I want to wait ten years. We have only talked seriously about it once a few days ago. Previously we have just said that not until we were done with school and more mature. Should I just drop it for now since I do not want to get married yet and go back to before and wait until a few more years go by or should I tell him that I need to know why he wants to wait?

real man 2 years ago

my ex harassed me every other day about marrying her and it drove me nuts.

The Secretary 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Your advice seems very constructive, and I was hoping you could help me see my issue a little more clearly as well.

My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost 4 years. Generally we are happy together. We are good friends along with being lovers.

I would like to get married a year from now. But he says I’m not emotionally ready for it; to marry me would “completely destroy our relationship.” He also says that I don’t put enough effort into our relationship and he “wouldn’t get a single benefit” from marrying me, and it’s just a huge stressful favor that he would be done entirely for my selfishness.

I have mixed feelings on exactly why I want to get married. Maybe I’m insecure about being alone because I had an abusive homelife as a child. Or maybe I’m giving into the wishes of my Grandmother. Then there’s the feeling that maybe I want a firm declaration of love and stability from the person I love the most. Whatever the reason is, it’s very strong and I’m so sad when I think about the possibility of never getting the wedding and marriage that I keep ‘thinking’ will make me happy.

I don’t think he’ll ever leave me, but sometimes I wonder if it’s just because I’m convenient. And then there’s his hypocrisy. He’s told me that if I bring home another woman for us to have a threesome with, that he would instantly marry me. Wtf?

I’m so confused. How can he say that I don’t put enough work into the relationship when I’m the only one that cooks, cleans, pays bills, grocery shops, and even helps him fill out transcripts for his medical school applications? He even got furious at me last week for not calling him enough when I was away( for only 4 days) at my Nana’s funeral. He wants so much, but then calls me selfish when I ask to go to the mall and spend a single dollar of money that I earned myself.

Am I giving into his wishes so much that I’m harboring deep aggression toward him? Maybe when he says that I don’t put enough effort in, it means he wants me to resolve my anger toward him. Marriage won’t fix that, and in fact I suppose it Can make it worse.

Is this right conclusion?

Thanks so much for your time. Any ideas you have would be wonderful.

d 2 years ago

I need some advice. My bf and I have been together for 4 years. He is 23, and I am 22. We both live at home, both still in school, and both love each other very much.

Recently, I feel like we've been digressing. He wants more of his independence - saying that sometimes he feels as if he were married and it frustrates him

He says he never wants to get married. That he is scared, and that marriage ruins things. I respect his view, and I've explained to him that I do want marriage, and unfortunately, that will lead to our end, whether we are still in love, or not.

I am not willing to risk my future. He thinks that if we can stay together forever, why do we have to marry. I look at it as a commitment issue. Where's the promise? What if you up and leave?

I just don't knw where to draw the line. Lately, it's been crushing me. It is a heavy burden to carry because i love him so much, and I was convinced he was my man...

When do you draw the line?:(

lilly 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I have been dating a guy for 7 months and I am 32 and he is 36. I was in a long relationship before this for 9 years and was engaged to be married but I broke it off with him because I moved back to my home country to finish study and really fell out of love. Now I have met an amazing guy and at the point of wanting to settle down sometime in the near future but he doesn't know what he wants. Granted it has been a short time. He has been married before but it did not work out. Think he is scared of the whole marriage thing. I have brought up what he wants out of the relationship and he says not to push him. He says he cares about me and enjoys spending time together and would miss me if he lost me but is not ready to settle down anytime to soon. He says if I don't push and let things go along as they are then maybe it would develop to that. He hasn't told me he loves me yet and says it takes him time to love someone. I just don't know how long to wait around?? He did say he wants to get married again and have kids but not to push. I have brought up moving in togther so we can see how it goes. He just moved to a new place and at the beginning he said yes after 6 months of dating but now he has moved in with another friend of his. He now says it's too soon but give it some more time. I just don't know what to do. Shouldn't he know at this point and given his age being in his late 30's whether he can see a future together?

Please Help!!

Blue-Dahlia 2 years ago

Veronica,

I'm in at the point in my life where I am nearing a cross-roads of sorts. I am about to graduate from college, and have all ready been getting interviews from the resumes I've distributed - and most of them seem to be going well, so much so that I have a job offer pending my graduation! It's quite overwhelming to know that less than a month after you graduate you could be starting a new career. Overwhelming, yet incredibly exciting for a 22 year-old woman. I am really looking forward to joining the work force.

However, despite how great all of this seems, I am facing an issue on the home-front with my boyfriend of three years. He graduated in '08 and is going on his first year of work. He is almost 24, so 23 at the moment, and has been working hard to save up money to buy a house. While we were still in college together we lived together and talked about the future we were going to have together. We both said that when we started making money we would both put some away to buy a house, and we talked as if it was only natural that we'd get married one day.

Recently in a conversation about our future he said that he was certain about me but that he didn't want to take the next step until we are living together and both working. I asked him if he thought we would get married and he said possibly, but that he didn't want to give it too much thought until I was out of college - and living with him, and working - so that's about 6-7 months away.

As selfish as this may sound, I am not satisfied with 'possibly', and I wish he was able to give me a clearer answer. I want to know that, if we live together and discover life is better together, marriage is without a doubt going to be the end result - and a result that discussable with a reasonable time frame. (I am not into the dating for 20 years thing). However, if we live together and realize we are miserable, I'm not going to insist on marriage - so I am in no way thinking that if we live together marriage has to be the outcome. I'd just like to hear him say that if we're both happy living together then marriage will be the next step.

I've never quiet approached the subject like that, because I know he doesn't want to say 'yes, we'll get married' before either of us know for certain that we will get married. For me, if we live together and are happy, I will have no doubt in my mind that I want to marry him - and really, I am happy with him now, we are very happy together. We have a healthy relationship - he takes care of me and I can't tell he honestly loves me and wants whats best for me - which is why he doesn't want to tell me something now and have it turn out to be false.

I understand that, but I also want him to understand that I need to be given the certainty that, if we’re happy still after we’ve completed his steps towards marriage (living together, working) then marriage is definitely the next step. If he can’t promise me that then I don’t feel comfortable living with him. I know he means well, and he hasn’t ever said one way or the other in response to after completing his necessary steps, but I have some necessary steps too. Before I would ever marry him I would want to be working for at least a year – and paying my OWN bills. If we live together in a house (which we’ve looked at a few houses, and would probably pick out a house we both agree on, but he knows that if we take this option, not a single penny of mine will go to mortgage payments until we are married) I would want one bedroom as mine - and I would want to pay ‘rent’. The reasons behind this are fairly simple. If we are living in a house that he is solely responsible for financially, then I shouldn’t pay mortgage, but if I were to rent out an apartment I would be throwing money away. Therefore I would chip in money for ‘rent’ and would split the household bills with him. If things do not work out, I wouldn’t have lost any money because if we hadn’t been living together I would have been paying rent elsewhere. Does that make sense to you? I wouldn’t technically live in my ‘room’ but it would be a place to escape to if I needed some private time. If everything works out like I would like it to I would have been helping pay off ‘our’ house instead of throwing money away to a rental unit elsewhere.

He knows that I want to be independent before I get married, but since he insists that we live together before we get married I think the above is a good compromise. However, while I tell him I want to be independent before we get married, I think he thinks my bringing up marriage means I want to get married now. And I think that thought is scaring him – heck it is a little scary for me – when I think about marriage from the non-romantic point of view. Right now I can’t even support myself, and I hate it! I want to know that when I get married I do not need my husband as a crutch, or be a crutch myself. I’ve tried to tell him this before, but when I speak I get tongue-tied and end up losing focus and completely saying the wrong thing.

Is it wrong of me to want him to tell me that we will get married if after we’re living together and working everything is going well? Is it selfish of me to want that security (though nothing is 100%) before taking a job in his city? I’ll say this again, if after I graduate we realize that we’re the perfect University couple, but not the perfect Adult couple, I am not going to be pissy because we aren’t getting married. However, this man is everything to me, and I wouldn’t be considering living with him let alone spending the rest of my life with him if I didn’t feel that after college we would still be happy together.

Thanks for the help.

crln 2 years ago

Hi,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I am 25 and he is 27. We don't live together. We see each other on Wednesday nights, and then spend the weekends together, so we have ample time apart as well.

When I first started dating him, I had no desire to have children, marry, etc., and I thought it was silly to even think about it when we'd only just started dating anyway. He told me that he wanted to have 2 or 3 children (not with me, necessarily, just a general conversation).

Since then, I guess he has changed his mind. I have brought up moving in together a few times, with a bad reaction. I understand where he is coming from as he has a few friends who have lived with their girlfriends and all they did was fight! He has some bad examples around him. I have also asked what his plans are as far as marriage, the future... And he says "I don't want to get married or have kids, and I just don't want to think about it right now." He is in a bad situation at work and may lose his job, he still rents and does not own a home, and in general he seems to be under a lot of stress. I know it's not something I should be bringing up if it upsets him that much. But I just wish I knew. Do they ever change their mind? I am happy being with him. He is happy with "the way things are." However, now that I am growing up more and getting more of these maternal instincts... I do want to get married and have a family, before it's "too late." I want a family to be the most important thing to me, not a job or money - I think it would relieve so much stress. It is heartbreaking for me to think of leaving him but I realize everyone has to do what's best for them. I just can't seem to figure out what I feel is best for me, I guess.

Ali 2 years ago

I really love your advice. I am in that situations. Many thanks

Joe 2 years ago

Veronica,

My fiancee used to hint to me that she REALLY wanted to get married by constantly singing Beyonce's "Put a ring on it".

As a 30 year old guy, this is why I hesitate about marriage:

1. I know many couples who get divorced or cheat;

2. I don't like sharing my money;

3. Wedding planning is a lot of work.

Call me selfish and lazy, but I think it applies to many guys. If she didn't push me, I would procrastinate.

Jessica 2 years ago

I am in this situation right now! I see my friends, his sister and two cousins all around our age getting married and looking forward to a future together with kids and a house. For a while my boyfriend an I of 5 years always agreed that, thats exactly what we want. But since recent events and me pressuring him, and completly freaked out and now he's saying that he's not even sure if he wants to get married..ever. As you would think I am completly crushed, and I have no idea on what to do. I love him more than he'll ever know but I whole "future plans" seem to be crumbling. Should we break up? Should I just back off and give it time? I very much need advice.

Dazed and confused 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I am 26 and my ex-boyfriend is 28. We dated for 2.5 years. The first 2 years we were long distance and the last six months we lived together. I went to college, grad school, and worked for a few years and had my own apartment. Last summer, I quit my job and started law school. My boyfriend went to college, worked a few odd-jobs while living at home, and has been a freelance artist for the past three years, again while living at home. He also worked retail part-time but lost his job when the economy nosedived. He’s applied for tons of jobs but hasn’t had any success, so he just does gigs. It’s not steady work and I’m not sure how he pays his bills but, with hindsight, I've concluded that his parents have helped him out financially. When I decided to go to law school, he suggested we move in together and I agreed.

My ex-boyfriend has been the love of my life. He’s a nice guy who comes from a great family that welcomed me with open arms and I hugged them right back. My family and friends took a while to warm up to him. They thought he was a nice guy too but they were concerned that he lacked ambition and steady employment. I truly believe he is a talented artist and just needs that big break, but until then he should do something else to bring in a steady income while doing gigs on the side. It took a bit of effort, but I brought my family and friends ‘round to him. My parents still had reservations about his lack of steady employment, but they were very nice to him and his parents. They weren’t happy about our moving in together, but I stood my ground and once we did move in, they stopped protesting. They even visited us a few times.

I’m a motivated, hard-working person. I weigh my options carefully, I make a decision, and I’m very good at following through. When we were dating, my ex-boyfriend would talk big but never followed through. He talked about going to grad school but never applied. He enrolled in an art programme which has an open-ended completion time and he hasn’t finished it. He looks for part-time retail or short-term retail and other gigs but not for something full-time. I’ve made several suggestions for him to try this or that approach until his art career takes off, but my suggestions either fell on deaf ears or he said I was trying to get him to abandon his art career.

He says he’s focusing on his art career – and that’s great – but I feel that at 28 he should be focusing on stability too. When I mention this to him, he says we’re both working on our careers right now and that neither of us is stable. When I talk about how I’d like to move the relationship forward once I finish law school, he replies that there’s no way either of us will be able to afford anything at that point in time, especially as I’ll be in debt from school. He also says that he can’t understand why my parents are “obsessed” with his being financially secure and says it’s antiquated to expect him to be the “breadwinner.” I’ve told him that I don’t expect him to be the breadwinner, but that it isn’t unreasonable for my parents or me to want a guy who can support himself and eventually can support a family. When I would ask him what he wanted out of the relationship, he responded only " to be with someone who is nice."

I broke up with him almost three weeks ago, but we’re still living together as we work figure out the apartment lease. There are moments when I feel really good about my decision and moments when I’m worried that I’ve made a big mistake or I unfairly pushed him. I’ve given him several reasons for the break up, though mostly it has to do with his lack of stability, which he tells me is thoughtless and stupid. He has also accused me of not defending him against my family and friends, which was very unfair because I have done so. When we moved in together I thought this would motivate him to get the ball rolling so we could really move forward as a couple. Instead, his idea of moving forward as a couple seems to be delaying things on his end under the guise that I'm back in school. He excuses his lack of steady employment with “well, you’re in school, not working, and focusing on your career. I’m focusing on mine.” I feel that’s pretty weak because, even though the job market is poor right now, I will have a lot of opportunities to use my degree when I am done. Am I being unreasonable? Recently he's done a complete 180 and has told me that he's applied to grad school (as in, applied after I broke up with him) because the gigs aren't a reliable source of income. And I'm like, why now? Why didn't you do this when we were dating? I feel so confused and mixed up.

kay 2 years ago

I have been with my partner for just over 3 years and we have a 11month old baby and we have another one on the way, i really want to get married but he says maybe one day things are good the way they are, its only a piece of paper to say i love you and you love me, i just dont see the point, but i really do want to get married but he just doesnt understand.

kay 2 years ago

I have been with my partner for just over 3 years and we have a 11month old baby and we have another one on the way, i really want to get married but he says maybe one day things are good the way they are, its only a piece of paper to say i love you and you love me, i just dont see the point, but i really do want to get married but he just doesnt understand. Im 25 and my partner is 42 and has been married before with 2 previous kids and it didnt work out.

sky 2 years ago

Ok...so I came across this browsing for answers to the never ending question will it ever happen????

I have been with my fella for 3 years, we moved in together after only 3 months and we bought our own house with a joint mortgage 2 years ago. Over a year ago we had the conversation about us getting engaged....he said it was all planned...but every important date has been and gone! We are both settled career wise, with good and secure jobs, we own our house, we have a gret life together...but getting married is really important to me! I really want to bring our children up as a married couple...he talks about us getting married, and wants us to have children.....but how come I'm still waiting for a proposal? We have already made a commitment to one another with the house. He knows how important it is to me, but now i'm worried that he knows that i'm committed to him and he can sit easy knowing i'm going no where! If I try to bring up the subject now I simply get asked...do you really want to know.....or do you want to spoil the suprise?

I'm just worried that theres never going to be that suprise!

sky 2 years ago

thanks for replying!the link describes this situation to a T!! Thing is it's never going to be a suprise anymore.....just a relief!

Phem_Rich 2 years ago

I'll give the URL of this hub to my friend.. he is in this same dilemma.. thanks..

Roxy  2 years ago

Veronica,

Here is my problem. I’m 22 and my boy friend will be 27 in December. We have been together for 7 years and we have been living together for 4 years. I have been ready for about a year now to get married. He is well aware of that fact. I want to marry him so much, because I’m ready for that next step. I love him so much; I can’t wait to be his wife. My religion has to do with it also. I don’t want to be living in sin anymore and I have not for a long time. All he keeps telling me is that he is not ready right now. I said well what about next year? And he said I have no idea what is going to happen next year, I don’t plan the future what happens, happens. What I do, I mean I don’t get it we live the married life. No we are married without paper work and making that commitment in front of friends and family. He knows that I don’t need a ring, just wedding bands to exchange when we get married. The most I want to spend is $5,000 and my parents are covering that. I mean I don’t get what he is waiting for. What do I do? How come he gets to get all the benefits of a marriage, but not have to get married? That’s not really fare. I have talked about just not living together until we plan on getting married and he says that he does not think that will work. I don’t get it, I don’t get him! Please tell what do you think about all of this?

Elionor 2 years ago

I being in a realtionship with my bf for 2 year, in the beggining was a long distance then one year pass by and i move with him. During the time we talk on the phone he use to said to me that "he know every wodman wants to get marrige and that went he is done with some stuff he will look in to get marriege with me" Today we being living together in his place and a year later it since he is not looking in to marrige as much i am. I understand he got a divorce and that he feel i guess different about marriege. Now, a baby later, living with him, he tells me "we can live together we do not need to get marriege"

Hurting 2 years ago

I'm writing with another similar situation. He's 37, I'm 30 and we each have 3 kids. We've been living together for a year so it feels like we're a family. He's not ready for marriage right now but says he's taking steps in that direction and thinking positive thoughts about our future. I've been battling depression over it that sometimes is a physical pain in my chest. I feel rejected and that he isn't as excited about us as I am. He knows I'm hurting this much. I don't want to throw out an ultimatum and push him into it. I love our life together, but I can't make this pain go away. What if I end up hating him? Do you think, if I wait a while longer, I'll hold this against him? My kids and I have been through some rough years - losing our home repeatedly, and I feel sick when I think of doing that to them again. Leaving terrifies me and I don't know if I even have the mental resources left for it. Staying in the current situation is tearing me apart. Do you think there is anything I can say to him so he'll understand?

Niki 2 years ago

It does not matter if you have been dating for 2 years or 7 years. If you express to your mate that you want to marry them and their response is that I want to be with you but I am not ready to get married. You need to ask yourself what is it that your mate is waiting for. The answer to the question is that your mate may not care for you in the same way. Just because you have spent years together as a couple, you both may share a home together and even have children that may not be enough for that person. You may have a hold on the person for them to continue in the relationship for now but your mate may feel deep down on the inside that they have settled with you and is still waiting for the next best thing.

mellll 2 years ago

hi veronica,

i have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. yesterday we had a huge fight and basically said i was "pushing him" to get married. we've talked marriage before and he was excited to talk about it. he even tried to get me a promise ring, which i refused. but now he's saying he's "too young" and that his siblings waited years to figure out who they were going to marry. i don't know if i should just leave it alone and wait to discuss later or if i should just leave. he says he loves me, but he can't stand to see me hurt or cry when this topic comes up. i don't want to waste my time or his time. maybe he's just confused? i don't know.

thanks.

Iðunn 2 years ago

You're a wise and kind person, V. Wanted you to know I passed through and read and was especially impressed by your obvious concern for "Hurting". Anyone who lucks into finding you when seeking relationship advice is quite lucky indeed.

RRon 2 years ago

Hi verconica,

I am 28 and I am doctorate candidate overseas, I had 4 years relationship with a boy who was in same age with me, when I was studying my master overseas I promised him to apply for him also for master, we loved each other,finally I got it for him and when I was in the my last semester of my master degree, he just came and joined me, we were enjoying together for 5 months, but before that In my country also we were together for 1 and half year, anyway I had to return back to my country and my family pushed me to ask him marry him nevertheless I have to break up with him, since he also loved me he returned back with me during his vacation and we engaged in my country and after 2 weeks he had to return back, you know my religion is different and we have to marry for 2 times, he told me after finishing his second semester of study he will come back and we do the first marriage, and after that we can live together and I can continue my education as phd student and he can finish his study, he returned and since the first wedding has to be arranged by girl's family , my parents were getting ready for that, but one day my father told he will not allow me to live with him after the first wedding and we have to do both of wedding at the same time and then I can live with my fiance overseas, and he spoke with my fiance parents, but they said they are not ready and they don't have money to arrange the second wedding for us, anyway he returned back to my country to marry but we didn't because our families relationship get worse and since I didn't want to hurt my parents specially my father because of his heart, I tried to forget him, but now I am in the same city which he is doing his study and it is very hard for me to see him and remember my good memories with him, i saw him times while my parents didn't know if they know they became very sad and disappointed of me, 3 months ago my ex-fiance wrote me he missed me, and asked me to come back to him, but it is about 1 week ago I saw him we had very romantic times together , but i feel he never want to try to marry me again, because his parents can not support his wedding , and they encouraged him to forget me specially forget marriage.. I love him, I can not forget him, I tried to be friend with some other guys but I couldn't .. I am really in a bad condition..

RRon 2 years ago

Thanks veronica for your response,

I really can not understand my culture also, here every thing is bad even you kiss your love, that's why I have to always hidden what I did and what I am... but one point that My father was angered that why my boyfriends parents didn't want to take responsibility of their son, I know it is very complicated and non-understanding situation.. I am always under control my parents and even from far they control me who I am talking , and even who I am emailing.. because every thing is over for them but not for me.. I am still thinking about him and i can not forget him, the only way I found is I have to move on from this city and country to another country... to pursue my doctorate and don't think about him and my memories... I really think If I call him even and tell him about my situation i am a guilty...there is no night with out thinking and crying..but I can not tell it to any one else.. even when I talk with my friends with the same culture they punish me and they believe his parents and he did wrong..

thanks again for your attention

Hurting 2 years ago

Veronica, thanks for listening and offering advice on my situation. I love him very much (guess I didn't say that) but it might not be worth this hurt. He decided against getting me a ring for Valentine's day last month & I think I need some kind of further commitment to stay with him. So I'm going to explain that to him and then work on the next steps. When I stepped back like you said, I really had to think about why I'm putting myself through this.

It's funny, I always promised myself I'd never end up living with a guy and trying to get him to marry me. I recently told my daughter to never, ever get into this situation, so I'll think about that if I end up needing to move.

Thanks again - I stumbled across your site & it looks like you help a lot of people.

matneybrat21 2 years ago

--Veronica--

what age do you think is a good age to get married , or even start to consider marriage?? i have been with my boyfriend for going on 7 years this June and I have always had my heart on the perfect wedding with my 'PRINCE CHARMING' and i believe that i have found my prince. My heart melted the first time i heard his voice on the telephone and from there things picked up. i am 21 now and we have a 3 year old daughter and i have brought up marriage and more children at a later point in life only to be laughed at and shut down. he claims 'ill never b married and i dont want anymore kids ever'.. what should i do?? at the moment i feel like saying 'SO BASICALLY IM JUST WAISTING MY TIME HERE..'... please help.... :(

Helen 2 years ago

Veronica,

I love my boyfriend of 6 years very very much. He's talking of moving in with each other in a few months time. The trouble is, I'm not really comfortable with the idea of moving in together.

He seems to have strung me along for some time. Leading up to my 21st birthday two years ago, he hinted that he was going to propose. When the time came, he gave me a ring box. I opened it, expecting what you'd imagine, and there was a ring. I asked him which finger I should put it on, because it wasn't diamond, and it wasn't totally clear. Turns out he wasn't proposing. This set-up made it a horrible experience. I tried to hide from him my feelings.

Months later, when I finally told him that I had thought he was going to propose back then, he said I had been ungrateful. I was planning to go for coffee with another man who liked me. However, I decided not to when my boyfriend said 'wait and see what kind of ring you get for your next birthday'.

That birthday came and went.

Unprompted, he would say romantic, promising things. If I asked him anything specific, he said it would happen when he finished studies, got a place... but these things too came and went.

In three years I have brought it up three times. That's me making a real effort to make things easy for him, and give him space and time. He, however, keeps making romantic promises, saying how perfect we are for each other, making hints... and it breaks my heart.

He wants to move in soon. I don't think it's a good idea, because I will be very sad when he still won't get engaged, and I'm giving him everything. Might I add we have an amazing time together. I am a brilliant girlfriend to him. He's a lovely man. I don't see why he keeps stringing me along instead of either making a strong commitment or telling me it's not possible.

What does this sound like to you?

Thanks,

Helen

Equality7-2521 2 years ago

This HUB has been so helpful, and I want to say thank you to Veronica and all its contributors. I am also feeling torn about my own situation and have found much to think about reading over all the entries here.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years now. I am about to turn 33 and he is turning 25 this week. I knew going into the relationship that he may take some time to reach the ready point for marriage, while I have always known it is an ultimate relationship goal for myself.

We have always had exceptional communication of our thoughts and feelings, and I know we love one another very much. Marriage has always been something we've both discussed would be in our future. Just recently though he has confessed that he is not sure he really belives in marriage anymore. His mother and father were unmarried for the first 4 years of his life and then divorced when he was 15. He says that he now thinks marriage would ruin the relationship, because he has never known a marriage to create anything but pain.

I understand his family background has deeply affected him, but this sudden confession has made me question to continue our relationship. I have thought for the last 4 years we were on the same page, and was fine with being patient till the right time. I just don't know if any amount of patience will make a difference anymore.

We do not live together, as I have always felt that waiting till at least engagement would be the right thing for me and the relationship. He lovingly calls me his "not at home wife".

I don't want to date for years living in seperate places, I want us to share our lives together in one home as a family of 2.

He is a good man and I love him, but the thought of my life being with someone who may never want the same things for our relationship is breaking my heart.

Any advice you can offer me will be greatly appreciated. thank you again!

Gemma 2 years ago

Hi Wanted to know what if a guy gets engaged to a girl who he didnt really love because he says it was for the child. Then the girl he is with now and says he loves to bits and has been on off with for 5 years ( one yr off had baby with engaged girl, came back to 5yr girl because it didnt work with baby mother) etc wants to get engaged but he then says no im not ready. All in a short time scale. What does he mean ......

Was it really for the child?

Does he really love the 5 year on off girl.

Does he wanna make sure its the real thing and not rushing.

Or is he just not that into her (now gf 5yr)

matneybrat21 2 years ago

--Veronica--

thanx for such a fast reply.. i read your other hub.. so it is basically saying women mature and are ready for a married life way before men??.. after my 1st posting i again tried to talk to my boyfriend about marriage... i think there was some sort of break through.. he says hes afraid hell be like his father, who believes a marriage certificate is his pink slip to ownership of his wife... with that i can sort of understand his hesitation, but i do not know if i wait because of hope he will come around, or because he was my first everything.. first boyfriend, love, lover and the father of my daughter... i am very optimistic that he will come around , but feel like kicking myself in the ass everytime i think that, because what if he never does... and i dont want to base my life on 'WHAT IF'S ' anymore than i have to ... i am back in school for a year now to earn 2 degrees and a certificate.. 1 in administration of justice, one in pshycology and a certificate in crime scene investigation... i feel like i have a clear vision of my career paths and now i want to work on my social and personal paths.. can you or anyone else in this hub offer any tips on how to open his mind on looking to the future and being openminded towards a life ??? awaiting patiently and greatly appreicatively--- matneybrat21....

matneybrat21 2 years ago

thanks for the fast reply.. and all the advice helps alot...

azn 2 years ago

Hi Veronica

I came across your post while i was goggling this same question, and i can't believe how we can relate to what these ppl are going through, A little background I'm 25 and my girl friend is 24 we have been dating for a little over 2 years now. I'm about 1 year into my career and bought a house she still lives on her own and finishing graduate school. About 6 month into the relationship she brought up the question of marriage and it scared the hell out of me and my response was to shut it out and ignore it and at the same time i thought it was way too soon since we were so young and i just graduated collage. I know now that was the wrong response, even if i was against it then i should have been more straightforward to her about my mind. This led to many fights over the course of the next year and half. Now fast forward about 6 month ago I started to think about the concept of marriage but its been such a battle for us. And we just had another fight because i was not 100% ready still, We entertain the idea of maybe date other ppl since this is the first real relationship for both of us. But I don't have any real want to date other ppl and neither does she but I don't want to go through any more fights on this subject,i don't want to loose her, she is very special to me and i love her very much.

Melody_red 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I found your site by chance and I'm glad you did; amazing advice! I wonder if you could help me, as I'm at a real crossroads right now. I'm 36, my partner is 45 and we've been together 2 years. I have a chronic health condition which means for the past 10 years I've found it hard to socialise, meet people and generally stay out of hospital long enough to have a life! But the last 2 years have been good. I have always believed in marriage (my parents have been happily married for 42 years) and always wanted it to be an option in my life. My partner is separated (not divorced) from his wife he left a while before he met me. They hadn't had a sexual relationship for 5 years prior to that and he said they had become like sister and brother, so to him the 'marriage' had been over for years. They have a long-term foster daughter together. For the first year and a half, he didn't tell his daughter about me. When he did speak to his wife about this, saying that he wanted me to meet his daughter, his wife refused. He told his daughter, who was fine, happy about it and who wanted to meet me and asked for a picture of me, which he gave her. But because his wife said 'no', meeting her is not an option. He says he doesn't want to get divorced as he 'doesn't see what difference it would make' as he never wants to marry again. He apparently was a very lazy husband to his wife and vowed he'd never be married again as he was so ashamed in failing his vows the first time around. However, with me he's been attentive, loving, supportive and we have many shared interests. But there are issues; I'm still yet to be invited to his place (he lives in the flat of his brother who died just before I met him - he's been renovating it and due to bereavement it took a long time). He also spends every Christmas with his wife and daughter (who is 11) so this year will be the third year I have to spend it without my partner. I'm tired of this and although I understand he needs to be with his child at Christmas, because his wife refuses to let me meet her and he refuses to 'rock the boat' further with her and put his foot down, we can't start to integrate Christmases or any other holiday....so I feel quite 'separate' from areas of his life. We've been to relationship counselling for the past 2 months to try to resolve things. He has started finishing his flat in order to get me round there; however, it is painfully slow and he keeps 'forgetting' that I was meant to go round last week! He has said I need to make a decision as to whether I can stay in this relationship without being married as he will never want that again. He's also not that sure about living with anyone ever again as he likes his space. But he said maybe in the long-term. I'm really mixed up and also worried; I'm 36, not getting any younger and with my health problems I'm not exactly capable of 'getting out there' lots to meet guys and I'm also not exactly a great prospect as I tire easily. But I do feel I really want to at least live with a partner, and hopefully get married. On many levels our relationship is good; he tells me every day how much he loves me, he misses me if we're apart for 24 hours, we do a lot together and he's incredibly supportive and understanding about my condition. We just want different things I guess. He's adamant marriage is not an option and I feel I'm having to bend round to what he wants completely. But I'm scared to let go. Please help me. Please also know that he is a lovely guy; never nasty, belittling or cruel and I really trust him. I hope you can advise me. I'm planning to go away the week after next to get some head-space and to give him a chance to see what it will be like without me; he comes round to mine all the time and I won't be there for a week so he'll have to either go elsewhere in the evenings or stay in his own place. I think I make it too easy for him to come over although I do nag him about inviting me round to his as I think it's unfair that he never does, even if he does have issues with grief. Thamkyou in advance for any help you can give me.

Shasta 2 years ago

If I were the girlfriend I'd dump the guy. After two years you should know if you want to marry. The girl is wasting her time. She wants committement and the guy either doesn't want to commit to marriage and doesn't want the responsibility that goes along with it. He wants everything the girl can give in the relationship but doesn't want to pay the price.

bikergirl 2 years ago

I think that marriage is a big step, and many times we as women get caught up in the hype of being married, but trust what glitters is not always gold. True if he is not ready in two years then he is never going to be ready, and she needs to respect that and either deal with it or move on. On the other hand life is too short to equivalate happiness with marriage, if that man treats you like a queen, and is a beast in the bed then why rock the boat. Enjoy life.

babygirl 2 years ago

Hi Veronica

I would really love your opinion on my story. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, he is 27, i am 31. We are from different countries, living in a third country. I recently starting talking about 'where is this relationship going' topic and he said he is not ready to any commitment now and he can't tell me when he would want that. All he knows is that he loves me and he wants to be with me the way we are. We talked about this only 2 times and one day he said is better for us to break up, because after these conversations our relationship can not be the same as it was before, because he will feel forced to think about it (which he doesn't like) and I will always nag about it. He left 2 weeks ago and we had very little contact since then. He tried to reach me out several times, but i didn't answered his phone calls or replied his emails. I just called him up on his bday last week and he asked to meet up for a coffee and discuss on what happened. The end of hte conversation was still the same as before, he had thought over it and he just doesn't have that feeling. But he seemed devasted and he said he loved me and it is so hard for him to get over this. He was crying like a baby. I just don't understand, if you really love someone that much that loosing that person makes you feel like the whole world is crashing down, then why would you just break up for that person and not be willing to think over and find a solution. I was not asking him for a marriage right now, my aim was just to see his intentsions...and he just gave up..Any advise would be very helpful. Thanks

Tyred of waiting 2 years ago

Hi Veronica, my bf is 36. I am 27.We have been together 1 year and 10 months. We have been very happy. He lives 1.5 hours from where I leave. We see each other only during the weekends. He knows I want to get marry. He told me he does not want to get marry or have kids right now that he does not want to be pressured, however, he said one day he might change his mind, maybe in a month, in 5 months, in 1 year.. etc...I dont know what to do. Should I wait since I love him and we have a great relationship and I know he loves me too...when enough is enough?..I think if I wait more and more he will eventually propose since there is no pressure. But should I take the risk of wasting many years with someone, and then he never marries me? Please give me some advice

Patient 2 years ago

Hi Veronica.

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 4 years. We live together, have pets together, and enjoy each other's company. He is in grad school and will be getting his PhD soon, too. I want to get married someday, though he has said he doesn't feel ready. He loves me and I love him, but I feel like I might be in a waiting game for the next 3 years before he starts considering marriage. We've talked about it together and he never shuts me down, but lets me know he just needs time to wait and perhaps finish school. How long should I wait? I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm not sure how long I should be waiting. His school is very important to him, but he always makes time to show me his love, but I'm not sure how long I can keep waiting (im)patiently.

Thank you

Cali 2 years ago

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 25. We've been together for 2 years and recently moved in together. I feel like now is the right time for us to get married so we can get a house together and start our future. I want to be married for at least a year before I have any kids and I think 22 is a good age to have children. I've asked him how he feels about getting married and he says he's not ready yet. Am I too young to be thinking this way?

confused 2 years ago

I'm so glad I've found this page.

I'm 22, my boyfriend of two years is 23

Things started to change when I questioned him about our future and of course I didn't heard the answer I wanted to hear. I started seeing all my friends getting married and engaged and wanted to know his opinion on this. But he told me he have never thought about it![is that possible?] how can you be with someone for two years and not even think for a split second about the future? He also mentioned that he does not know where he is going in his life,whether he will have to move back home at request of his family or stay here. We were so good together until all this came up. I know for a guy he is too young for commitment and I understand him acting this way. But I cannot 'waste' my time with him hoping that he will stay here, or we will someday get married. I want to get married and have children before I hit 30. I don't have time to wait another 4..5 years just to see if he is even going to stay in this country or move back home!

I want to break up.. but it's so hard for both of us :( We still talk, we still go out sometimes, but we are slowly breaking up because I don't want to be in a relationship which makes me lost and confused...

Do you think I'm making the right decision by cutting this?

I come from a family where getting married is very important.

Do you think if we were really meant to be together then shouldn't even be worried about the future?

I'm so lost. I know he loves me.. but do you think is it because it's the wrong time for him ?

What should I do...

Patient 2 years ago

Neither of us are past 25 as of yet. I am not currently in school (almost finished, just need the time and money), but have a fairly successful job thus far.

I just don't know that I can wait until I'm 28 years old to marry. We have spoken about a long engagement (2 years), as I want to take commitments one step at a time and grow from our time together.

I just know that I can't be with someone, living with them, etc. without having some sort of serious commitment from his end past 5 years of "dating" time.

maria 2 years ago

I am with a guy for 10 years and he is still not ready for marriage. He said he likes the way things are with our relationship and he does not feel the need to marry. He said he is committed to our relationship just not having th need to marry. He is a divorsee and I am single, never married. THere have been many times when I feel this may not be the right guy as I view that if guy really loves a woman then there' s no right or wrong time, they will be ready to marry. I am looking for marriage as I am traditional and marriage is important to me, not just being in a relaitonship. Should I call it quit and look for someone right that will be ready to marry?

Mrxx 2 years ago

i am very sad at the moment. i have just broken up with the love of my life after 18 months. For 15 of those i had a daily barage of hints and such about getting married.

i would of liked the relationship to of developed first and then for the desision to of been partly my idea, but was never given any breathing space or time to just enjoy each other.

She was like a dog with a bone if you pardon the expression.

i was finally given one week to come up with the "RIGHT" desision or i was history.

Do you really do this to someone you say LOVE DEARLY and would be prepaired to spend the rest of your life with ??. All i know is is that i would never push someone away whome i love as much as i love her...... still.

Lani 2 years ago

It’s been almost 7 yrs of dating. I’m anti-marriage so it worked for us cause there was never any pressure. What concerns me is that we’re older, he’s 37 and I’m 32 and I would like to have a child before I’m too old. We talked about it and agreed to start at the end of next year if he gets this other job (money would be better). My concern is that he was already talking about things he would do on his time off if hired, now granted I want him to have hobbies and explore to keep him happy… However, he mentioned to a friend that he would like to finish up college (which is fine), and possibly other endeavors like starting up a business and traveling. What worries me is that if we’re talking about having a baby then that means he is going to be a pretty absent father and partner. My bf is my absolute bestfriend, but am I just wasting my time-youth on something that isn’t going to amount to anything, or that is going unknown-future?

As much as I care for him and completely respect him… I honestly don’t want to be miserable in the future. He doesn’t know what he wants when it comes to career’s and he’s told me numerous times that he wants to grow old with me-til we part this world… but how can he know what he wants when he switches jobs and changes career interests all the time.

I’m confused right now. My head is telling me to leave him, and my heart is telling me not to… but the more time passes my heart is starting to fade for him.

Mrxx 2 years ago

Veronica,

Thankyou for your understanding of my situation. times are hard to cope with at the moment but i guess what you have said is true. Thanks again. x

lilly33 2 years ago

I just got out of a two year relationship recently for this very same reason. I wanted marriage and he wanted more time.he's the one who brought up marriage in the first place. then after a year and a half he said he wasnt ready and didnt know if he would ever be ready! what a slap in the face. I was devastated but had to honor his choice. I broke it off then he came crying back to me asking for more time. and although we stayed together I remember feeling unloved and resentful I had put off my life plans to be with him because we were going to be married. I will never again sacrifice my future for another person as long as I live. it was foolish of me. I agree with you when you say that a man will get married when the time is right for him and a woman will make it the right time when the man is right. I am heartbroken over this but I would rather be single than married to someone who felt they were pressured into marrying me just to keep me. I hope one day he will realize what a mistake he's made by letting me go but either way I have to move forward with my life.thanks for your insight...good stuff

23girl 2 years ago

Veronica,

i've read all your post and advice and I was so tempted to ask you for one.. thank you so much.

Me and my boyfriend are 23 and have dated over two years. We just graduated from college and currently trying to adapt to the real world. We also love with our parents which makes it sometimes impossible to spend more time together. We only get to see each other during the weekends.

All my friends that are in a relationship are either always hanging out with their love one, living together or engaged. It never really bothered me until now... I guess I feel that we are not normal because even thought we've talked about a future and marriage , we know it is later in the future.. which I was ok since I am not ready for marriage.. but being in love.. and seeing my friends have made me desire anf think about marriage more and more.. and even though i know my boyfriend is not ready for marriage . we can't really talk about it because there is an obtacle.. his job.

His career and job won't let him marry or move in with me until I become a citizen. This is in about 4-5 more years. I guess it plays well for him because he mentions that everytime we've talked about the future... he says that i need to become a citizen in order to marry or moved in together. I dont want to get married now, not in two years.. but i would like to get engage or have some assurance that he would want to marry me hopefully in two years. I respect his career and I support him a 100% but I also have mine, and even thought I tell myself that if a new job presents and i need to move I will because our careers come first, but I dont know if I can.. knowing that I could lose him.( hint: he doesnt believe in long distance relationship).

I dont want to lose him, I keep telling myself that we are young and we have so much to live, that eventually if we are meant to be with each other , we will but the whole i cant marry you until you are a citizen feel that is a huge obstacle or something impose on me.. in order to make this relationhip work.

i guess my questions is what should i do? I guess seeing my friends make me want that, live together, spend more time with him and of course that makes me see my relationship as abnormal, but am I crazy for being upset at the whole 4 year wait?

I tend to overanalyze my relationship from time to time, i guess a need a way to feel secure in it and i admit it but I just feel pushed away by what he wants in his career. Last night we had a fight because I was askign what if i dont want to become a citizen and he said that if i didnt he would marry me, that that is the only thing i need to do for him in order to have a life together. He says that he loves me, that he can't do better than him that it has been the longes relationship he've had and that he doesnt see himself with any other girl but me... but we are too young arent we?

Thanks for you thoughts

nix 2 years ago

Having read the advice you have given to others, maybe you could lend a little light on my situation.

My bf and I are both 33 and have been together for a year and a half, although we had known each other previously as friends for 3 years. In the beginning I was very laid back as to where the relationship could go. I didn’t have anything set in my mind as he told me he had 2 children and was going through a messy divorce. Having never been in that situation before I just accepted it and we took each day as it came.

As the relationship progressed he moved in with me and I realised things were getting serious. I was more involved in his children’s lives and with each others families. Then eventually a year later the divorce came through and wiped him clean of everything. It felt like a clean slate and once things started to settle in our relationship I started to get broody. I mentioned it to him but he told me he wanted to wait. I understood that a year in was a little too early for a baby but I feel like I am putting a lot of my ambitions and wants on the back burner for him without him realising. Yet kids come first in everything, then his work, then how he feels.

My dilemma is when I have asked him about how he sees the future; he says he only plans for now he doesn’t really think about the future. But, I really do want to plan for a baby and to get married but I do not know how to lay the foundations for him to want to commit to me in that way. I am not in the relationship just to keep him company. I have the same worries but I chose to deal with them as the come.

It feels like his ex has taken his want for commitment and kids away from him and I have lost out. I am the kind of person who gives all or nothing and I don’t want to get to another year gone and be in the same situation.

I support him 100% in everything he does, but what more can I do?

Any advice is much appreciated.

atlantic81 2 years ago

Warning: The seeds are deep, the plot is thick, and moral fiber is definitely twisted.

The back story - I'm from the USA living overseas in Korea. It's my first time this far away from anything or anyone and I'm 28 years old. I've had a string of relationships in '08 to mid '09 after my first real heartbreak that was probably more pride orientated than actual love. Either way it was my first time to feel that. I was coming off that 1.5 year haze, where the break was on my birthday in Jan of 08 and the pain lasted 2 years. After coming to Korea I felt a big shift and it went away. I was energized and able to move on finally.

Then 3 months later I met a Chinese girl who was graduating from college in a few months. After her school finished she ended up living with me until her visa expired. I cried when she left, and I never thought I would. She was a 23 year old virgin, and we have exchanged the "I love you" phrase. We had an abortion when she was here and we both regreted it (her obviously more so) although it was the best thing considering the law and culture in Asia. Just wish we would have done it sooner.

I have visited her family and drank with her father. There was a big scene because apparently that's a big deal and I'm a whitey and yadda yadda. Her father questioned her decision. Time has pasted and I've kept things going by not actually making any decisions for myself. So I have said yes to getting married without actually thinking I was going to because I thought this would naturally end when she went to China. I just wanted to keep the peace while she was living with me and enjoy our time as a couple. I really enjoyed her and I care about her.

She's in China now and wants marriage because it's the only way we can be together. Overseas relationships are hard with Chinese because their passport doesn't allow them to travel like an American can. She wants a baby really bad. I want a baby too but I don't want that responsibility (unless she takes care of it 95%). We talk online and on Skype and I know she senses that I might lying to her or she wouldn't be so worried and always asking me if I still miss her and love her. I don't know what love is as I don't think I've ever felt love. Not even with my family. But with her I can't tell if she's needy or it's just culture, but I do know some culture does exist.

So I'm this terrible horrible sexual man who wants many women with great bodies. I love women. I've cheated on her already with a crazy girl I don't even like (now that I learn her true personality) and I feel terrible about it. It's like I've lost all control, but I was going to break up with my China girl anyways.... But I can't.

Her dad had a fight with her over me and punched her in the face and stomach giving her a black eye. He then moved out and is letting her live in his house until "I come and marry her". She was devistated by this. Her mother is dead and she has talked about not wanting to be in this world and that I am the only good thing she has in this world (of course the abortion comes up and how she wants another one). She said she would not want to live if I left her and I believe her. She tried to kill herself once before when her mom died, as I have seen the scar.

I feel so terrible for her and I care about her well being. But I don't know if I can be married. I'm so reckless and irresponsible with women and sex and I always want more. However, I have a strong sense of loyalty and if I marry this girl maybe she can save me from myself because she takes really good care of me. I would be saving her from her dad and give her what she wants. My friend got married just because he got a girl pregnant and they are still together doing fine.

My doubts are if I don't find her sexy one day. Her body isn't bad but I've always wanted a woman with a smaller frame.

Am I delusional? Is my plight understandable or do I come across as just an asshole? I don't even know what to think on this one. I know marriage is about sacrific, but I want to settle down and start meeting emotionally healthy girls. I've been working on being a better man, but I feel like I want to keep meeting women perpetually.

Can 2 people level each other? I've made this all seem so dramatic, but I've been up all night and it's 7AM.

Oh and here is an afterthought. Should I get Herpes or something terrible I would not be allowed to work in this country and I would have to got back to the USA therefore eliminating my income and ability to travel and pay for the visas and all that jazz.

I hope this makes sense, but I'm posting it anyways. I would love your opinion.

trini 30 2 years ago

Hi

I am in a relationship with a man for 9 years , within 5 of those years he was married and 4 years ago he got divorced. We are still together but the divorce was hard and he does not want any children not does he want to move in or get married. We are 18 years apart and for 90% of the relationship we are good- should I bust my bubble and end this relationship?

After the divorce he has become very selfish and the caring side of him has gone, we normally see each other 4-5 times a week but this year he has decided he does not want to see me that often.

I will be 30 this year and even though I had decided no children, the prospect of no marriage haunts me , i don't want to end the relationship but if it means it is not going anywhere should I?

maria 2 years ago

hi veronica,

great to read the above messages, you read situations really well.

so here it goes.

I have just turned 29. I am european. i have been living for a year and a half in the middle east working. for the first 9 months i was working for this company and really enjoying my job, but my contract didn't get renewed. i was very disapointed as i was really enjoying my work, and i was good at it. in february 2009 I met this really amazing guy. he is 35 and is half european and half from the UAE. he was Truely amazing. he made me very happy. a real gentleman, and i was pinching myself couldn't believe it, it was soo great.I went back to europe during the summer, and he came to visit often. My family thought he was great and my friends also. and me to, he made me feel really special and loved, we cared lots for each other. Did I want to get married? well not yet ... but i was enjoying myself and felt we were definitely going somewhere. I returned to the middle east after the summer- but his tune was changing, he said on a few occasions that he had a really difficult summer and that i did not treat him right,(i thought it was great, and I included him in everything i did) and he basically showed strong signs of jealousy. i decided to trust our relationship and work on the whole jealousy thing. we went to travel in south america in november and got on well, but there were again a few jealousy scenes out there with one of his friends!- i think he thought i fancied him or something, and that i admire him? ... completely daft! and he said very hurtful things to me, that were unjustified. I was really upset, because we had something great, on so many levels. we have the same interests, and i feel he is a good man, and genuine, we came back to the middle east, things were ok again. For a while, until i found out(he told me) that previous to our relationship he used to go to call girls. And i think it was quite a frequent habit of this. My heart sunk and crashed when he told me. I was really heartbroken, and i know it was previous to our relationship but still i feel very disappointed and it really stresses me out when i think about it. I let him know that , and he says he is sorry and all,,,

then i went back to europe for x-mas vacations. then we went skiing together with friends and my sister, it was really great fun, but he got jealous again (of one of the guys that we invited) . he thought i found him more interesting, and that we didn’t ‘talk’ enough and stuff. Honestly it was a bit ridiculous, because we are always talking and discussing things....

Things got better again after the holiday, because i tried to explain to him that i loved him just the way he is, and i wanted to comfort him and help him. Things have been like this up and down. But obviously generally great apart for some crazy moments, where he just looses it and says really hurtful stuff that is just not true. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary a few weeks ago.

Things have been up and down. Mostly good though, otherwise we wouldn t be together. But yes i am worried about us. Sorry for the really long message, really look forward to your reply. Thanks. maria

kaarmen 2 years ago

IMO when in a several-years-relationship a guy says he is not ready to get married yet, HE MEANS, HE IS JUST NOT WANTING TO MARRY YOU. but if 3 months later he finds his RIGHT girl, he will be ready. so GIRLS do not waste your time and youth for someone who is not willing to get caught by YOU lol

NeedAdvice 2 years ago

Hi - I love your advice and need some. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 4 years and are both 25. I feel like we have the perfect relationship except when i bring up moving together hes "just not ready" (99% wants to 1% doesnt - he says). We never fight more then bickering except once when when i first brought up the issue - i was completely shocked that he didnt love the idea and didnt want to live together so we (more-so he) ended up going on a "break for 5 days". We realized we missed eachother and couldnt be without eachother. That was 8 months ago - now its time for his lease to renew so i brought up the idea again and he still 'isnt sure he is ready'. (i was planning on waiting for him to bring it up but it was eatting me inside) I dont want to push him but i am scared that he may never be ready and am concerned about how much longer i will have to wait. I know he is worth waiting for but it is breaking my heart in the meantime. We spent 6 of 7 nights together as it is. I know i couldnt be without him but i feel I may resent him for not being ready. What do you think?

Gigi 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

You give amazing advice!

Maria - I know this is Veronica's HUB, but I thought I'd offer my 2 cents on your situation - I once dated (and married) a guy like you describe (very sweet at first, from a different country and culture, and then later displaying many big red flags). Your man is showing MAJOR red flags early on - the jealously, lies, and also past disrespectful behavior toward women. Culturally, you 2 are worlds apart and this will become even more apparent in the future. I say RUN and run fast and far! If you don't run now, be prepared for more jealousy, more blame, more lies, and more hurt.

NaturalBeauty 2 years ago

Veronica,

I am so happy to have found this page. I am hoping to receive some advice about my unique situation. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been dating since we were in college, age 20 (6-7years ^_^). We have had some ups and downs, religious differences, cultural differences, many periods of long distance (internationally and domestic). We have overcome all of our odds except for marriage. I have always wanted to be married but he hasn't. I believe I was raised with that notion. I would have easily moved forward at the age of 23. I am happy I didn't because I had time to know him better. The more I learn about him the more I love him. I am sure he feels the same way. We have learned more about communication and growth during these years.

About 3 years ago, after he graduated university I decided it was time to start discussing marriage. He willingly joined the conversation. He started to contribute positive feelings towards the subject. I was elated! I hadn't had a response from him in that way before. I expected a proposal within a year. After that didn't happen I felt it was because of his career situation. I decided to remain happy in our state and push forward.

When the following year approached I began to wonder what's next. We moved in the same state after a period of long distance. Everything was starting to look great at the time. We hadn't had any arguments and had learned to communicate on a mature level. I believe it was the first time we really understood each others goals.So I was expecting the ring that year! He made several comments jokingly about me being his wife, rings on my finger, blah blah! But nothing!!! I remained sane still. For him moving in together was such a large step. He didn't want to go for marriage. When asked about the topic, he replied that he wasn't sure. I was in shock!!! Not sure!! I thought we were really working towards it.

I put my foot down and demanded an answer within 3 months!! I told him that I had given my life, time, patience and love to him.

I was surprised when we started to show improvement again. I didn't want to get my hopes up because I had experienced this feeling many times before. I felt that his conversations towards marriage we becoming serious again.

I currently live in a foreign country with my boyfriend. We have been here for a little over a year. I have family that would have to pay a high priced ticket to come to a marriage. I was so happy to find that my mother and my father would like to fly here 6 months from now. I thought it would be the perfect time to marry. The weather will be wonderful! My job has a week vacation! We have been together for almost 7 years! We know each other very well and are in love! Yay!! :( He still doesn't think its the right time for marriage. " He told me that he is sure of his feelings now more than ever. Really wants to move forward. Has never felt like this in his life. Wants to do everything when the time is right."

Am I wrong for wanting to start our future sooner??? I feel like we've had so much time together! 7 years! We're not engaged yet! I hate to be one of those girls, but all of my friends are now happily married to people they have known for only 7month or 1 year. My family is so ready!

My man is talking about 1 year to 1 1/2 years from now!!! Come on already!!!

NeedAdvice 2 years ago

To add to my post above, my question is if we spend (meaning he sleeps at my place or I sleep at his) nearly every night together (on average 6 of 7 nights a week) what is the difference? – then just moving in together?? And why wont he just move in? We both currently have roommates and I just hate commuting back and forth and having 2 sets of everything. How is he not ready when he is already so committed to me?

I really feel so lucky to have him and am so happy with our relationship – am I asking too much and should just continue to enjoy our relationship or is he taking advantage with no formal commitments? We are same religion/culture/values so I doubt that would be it.

Im confused…

Natural Beauty- what happened with your BR with the 3 month deadline?

NaturalBeauty 2 years ago

After I gave my boyfriend a 3 month deadline he decided to consider moving towards the idea of marriage. Now we are stuck in a strange area. He wants to marry me but not right now. I asked if we could marry this September and he said it was too soon. One reason is financial and another reason is that he isn't comfortable yet. He says he would like to enjoy the thought of marriage a little longer since its so new to him. He suggests a date about 1year to 1 1/2 years from now. I am disappointed because I thought that we were going to try to get married sooner. Especially since he now says he is ready.

I am looking forward to any responses that might help my situation and my peace of mind. I am finding it difficult to continue waiting and to trust in waiting since we have been down this route before. This is especially effecting our romance.

Noemie 2 years ago

I am 32 he is 52, we've been together on-off for 4 years now and we have been living together for 9 months. Before moving together he said we were going to look at the marriage issue in 9 months time but at the same time he keeps talking about how marriage and divorce always benefits women and that why should someone get married and all that nonsense. I feel I have been misled. I do not want to be taken for granted. I have decided to move on and move out. But I love him so much and I can't stop hoping that when he will realise that he will lose me for good he will then propose to me.. I am very sad. But I don't feel I have any other option..

crimsontide1980 2 years ago

Quick question - have been dating my bf for 4 yrs. and a few months. I have never pressured him into an engagement but have spoken with him about it in the past. I finally got angry and basically told him I don't care anymore- which is only partially true. I am just sick of waiting... and I am starting to feel very resentful of him. I am in love with him, but I am nearly 30 - I told him when I was 28 - that my last 4 yrs. relationship was a WASTE of time... he promised me not to do that... but I think he already has in a way... what do I do?

Angela 2 years ago

Hi,

Great page and great insights. Would love to hear your thought on my situation...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over 2 years now. We've been very good friends for a few years before we started dating.

We are in our late 20's, he's turning 30 this year. We both have good careers, make decent living and are free of the usual relationship baggages (emotionally stable, physically healthy, and both have great and supportive families, etc.)

Since we've known each other long before we became a couple, we have seen each other through our previous relationships. We were each in a long term stable relationship. I broke it off with my ex because I knew that he wasn't the one and I didn't want to settle. His relationship ended around the same time for similar reasons (nothing to do with me).

I brought up our previous relationships because in one of you posts, you told the story that the guy was not ready to get married, but got on with it as soon as he found the "one." Having seen my boyfriend in another relationship from a friend's perspective, I know what we have is special to him. He was with the other girl for 7 years and I knew, as well as our friends, he wasn't talking about marriage. We didn't want to ruin the wonderful friendship we had, so we really thought things through before we took it to the next level. He told me I'm the one soon after we started dating, and I felt the same way too. Our mutual friends all have told us that we act very different this time around compare to how we are with other people we've dated in the past and they think this is IT.

It hasn't been the perfect relationship because we both have very dominant personalities that lead to arguments (mostly about not very important issues), but we have managed to communicate and work things through every time. After 2 years, I would say that we've worked out all the kinks and are very much in love with each other.

Here's my issue, I'm at the stage in my life where I need the commitment. True, there is the pressure from friends and family and the bio clock etc., but I am also a mature independent woman in a healthy relationship. I want to be able to know I can plan the next chapter in my life with him. But here comes the cliche, he's not ready. My initial reaction was I wasn't going to wait around, but as it turns out I'm not as strong and carefree as I have held out to be. After long talks and explorations of his feelings, I'm more confused than ever. He tells me I'm the one, he tells me that he sees us being married in two years, he tells me he never wonders what it would be like to be with someone else, and he tells me if he has to choose between losing me and taking the plunge, he would choose the later (but what an awful person would I be if i made him choose). He can't name a reason why we shouldn't get married, but it just feels so "final" to him. He admits that he always gets the cold feet when making big decisions in life, and this is about as big as it gets.

This has been the sore spot in our relationship for a while, and it's really weighing me down. We are great together, but I also believe there's always someone else. I know I can no longer be happy in this relationship without being engaged. All the things he tells makes me feel like we are so close to getting there, but I don't know what I'm waiting for and how long for that matter.

Can you please help me understand what he meant by "scared of the finality of things", and what I can do short of an ultimatum in this situation?

havagohero 2 years ago

hey veronica,

really appreciate the amount of time you take to answer peoples questions. it has given me food for thought on my own situation.

i am 28 and my gf is 27, we had been together for 2.5 years until i broke up with her several days ago. now we are both hurting.

i am what is called a 'late bloomer' i believe as i did not first have sex until i was 23. This wasn't through lack of effort but simply because

i had deep depression issues focused around my looks. Even now i still have only been with 13 women. On top of this i have always stuggled financially

and have been unable to hold down even the shittest minimum wage jobs without falling into depression and feeling like i am wasting my life. At 23

things began to change for me on the 'ladies front' and i had the little success that i mentioned above (including a 6 month relationship), before

meeting my current gf at 26. shortly after being with her my mother died and my gf was there for me and it bonded us very close. with the small

inheritance i got i was able to quit the crappy jobs and focus on my dream career as a professional poker player. it has been my dream for 6 years

to be a poker pro, travel the world and party and have more success with women - sew my wild oats. that is what i see as truly living. the trouble is

i wish that i didn't have this urge to be with other women. i regret that i wasn't able to overcome my depression and insecurity about my looks at an

earlier age so that i would be ready to settle down with this great girl now. she is a deeply family orientated person and i know that she really wanted

to get married and have children. i broke up with her because i could see the years slipping away from her and i didn't want to stand in the way of her

happiness. i needed to get out now, while she is still only 27 to give her time to find someone to spend her life with.

my gf would never have tried to stop me following my dream career, nor stop me from the travelling that would be involved on the tournament circuit.

so i cannot use that as an excuse to break up with her. what this all basically comes down to is me wanting to be with other women. i am trapped my internal

code of not cheating.

from reading david deida's book 'way of the superior man' i know that as men, we will never stop having sexual desires for other women. My thoughts are,

the men that want to be married must either suppress these urges, have had their wild times and be totally satisfied or cheat.

for me, it feels like if i was to be with only this one girl for the rest of my life i would fall back into my depressive ways.

so my question to you is, will these feelings for more women ever go away if i don't quench my thirst for it? i know that this girl would make the

perfect wife and mother to my children. i don't want to throw that away for what i know will be ultimately meaningless soleless casual sex. i have

already had some one night stands and i didn't think they were that great immediately afterwards but then a day or two later i would want to do

it again if given the chance. this is retarded. do you think that if i went to a psychiatrist i could find away to get over these urges? I see all these

good looking celebrity men, whether hollywood stars or sports stars who could pretty much gauge themselves on meaningless casual sex everyday if they

wanted to and yet they nearly all choose to get married and start families so it can't be ultimately satisfying.

my reasons for breaking up with her were for both our benefits, to allow us both to live the lives that we want. now my thoughts have been clouded with

emotions and the heartbreaking thought of never seeing her again (living on opposite sides of a big city like London and with no mutual contacts, we will

never meet again unless arranged) has made me think that our lives are compatible if only for that one thing.

any help deeply appreciated.

cheers.

Sakshi 2 years ago

Hi veronica,

i am glad to find this! I have been with a guy for almost 2 years. We are very young. We are both 21 years still finishing our undergrad degree.

I am ready. We live together but he goes for 4 months in the summer to live with his parents because he is scared of them.

He says he is not ready to get married he wants to accomplish a lot of things in life first, do wild and extreme things before he gets married. He said, he wants to do everything with me, he still wants to live with me but just not with the title of being married.

His family doesn't like me at all. They all hate me. He goes for 4 months to a different city and i am all left alone and i can't even talk to him.

My reason for pushing marriage if we will live together we might as well be married and live together once we graduate. We will graduate next year and i told him to get married an year after that so still 2 years to go.

He doesn't want it! He wants to get married when he is 30 yrs. I don't want that, i don't know what to do at this point.

It kills me that we have to hide from his family about us being in a relationship together. We even have a dog together. I don't know what to do at this point. I love this man a lot but i don't want to wait till 30 and realize he is not interested in me. I don't know!

He said he is very scared of the whole TITLE as being married!

Can you please advice me something! Do you think we can save this from breaking or am i better off breaking this?

Cinderella 2 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I love your advice. I think your insights are amazing. I hope you can give me a better perspective on my relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I’m 25 and he’s 28. We’re both catholic and we both believe in marriage. He’s also very romantic by nature and is an amazing, dedicated partner. That said, he’s finding it difficult to take the next step though he’s said that he loves me, couldn’t imagine his life without me and that he wants to get married. He’s also very honest that he doesn’t know why he can’t actually do it – propose.

After I finished University 2 years ago, marriage was on the table. He said he wanted to get married and so we talked about getting married and moving to Japan (a dream of mine). I made the plans for Japan, got a job, and waited for his answer but he kept pushing it off until I finally boarded the plane without him (which was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done). I was there for three months, figuring I’d moved on with my life and the fact he couldn’t commit was an indicator of how he felt about us. He secretly showed up at my doorstep three months later saying he “could propose at any moment.” That, of course, never happened. Now we’ve been back for over a year and there’s still nada.

We had a heart-to-heart recently. I asked him that given he says he wants marriage, what it would take for that to happen. He asked me for two weeks to sort out his thoughts and to make this happen. Well, those two weeks ended and all he came back with was “I know you’re absolutely the one for me and I’m going to make this happen” – but no timeline, no nothing. I told him that what he just said was no different from what he’s been saying for years now.

So he asked for another two weeks. That ends this Friday. (By the way – I didn’t give him an ultimatum on time – he offered both of these two week periods.) I told him this two week stuff is ridiculous, because what happens if he can’t – the relationship’s over? I said that if the choices are between breaking up and marriage that makes a ridicule out of our relationship and the idea of marriage. So I asked him marriage was what he wanted and if he was willing to make that happen – he said yes. I said that obviously there is something going on that is stopping him and that I want him to see a counselor of psychologist or something. He agreed but still asked that he could try to figure this out by Friday on his own and that if he couldn’t he’d see a psychologist.

Here’s the problem: I came back from Japan for him – because his visa didn’t allow him to stay any longer. I really gave this relationship my absolute best, for years. Now I am in my hometown and can’t find any work because of my profession and have been unemployed for a year!!! I feel like he's holding my life back! and that my life only revolves around him now! I feel bad saying this to him and he's guessed how I feel. I know it also makes him feel upset and guilty that I feel this way. He has a wonderful career and makes fantastic money and I am scraping into my savings. It’s so disappointing and horrible the situation I am in now. I’ve been looking for work, even something small like working in a bookstore, and I’ve sent out a ridiculous number of resumes but everyone says I am overqualified (I have a masters degree and have worked in a publishing firm.) If he comes back and tells me that I will have to wait should I just pick up and go back to my fulfilling and wonderful job in Japan and sacrifice this relationship, or should I sacrifice my career and future and wait around for him for another year or two while I’m dipping into my savings? I know I have a fantastic man who wants to marry me but who for some reason can’t. I don’t think I can wait around forever. What can I do? I feel like my hands are tied and I hate having to choose between the two.

biv 2 years ago

you are champ! and speak like champ!! I wish clumsy oaf like I could speak wit half as much wisdom...

Kal 2 years ago

I married a guy who was not quite over his divorce..he was not so much in love with the wife, but he was attached to " family Feel" he had with her because thier son. In short he was after thier divorce he met me and tried to hide me from everyone who knew her. He would not mention my name to his closest friends because he was worrid that his ex might find out and give him a hard time. So after cuple of months I wanted to be introduced at least to his friends, which he did introduce to one. He lost his job and I had money.I supported him a little. I wanted marriage so he very quitly married me. His ex found out and stopped him from seeing the kid. Now it has been about a year...not only he was very unhappy the day we got married in the court,he did not even give me a card I spend for all the expenses for our travel after marrieg he refused saying it is was all my idea. His 12 yeasr old son got mad at him over the phone and ex stopped talking to him. Now every day I hear the same thing over and over again that this mrriage was a pressure and should not have happend unless the son gave his OK.He want to start a business with me, but saya is not quite sure of the marriage. He says I should keep him a partner but he might break the marriage. NEVER EVER MARRY A GUY WHO IS NOT DONE WITH HIS PAST LIFE AND IS SO ATTACHED TO THE PREVIOUS " FAMILY FEEL' THAT HE CAN CHUCK YOU OUT OF THE WINDOW...BY THE WAY i AM YOUNGER THEN HIM DECENT LOOKING

saschoolcraft 2 years ago

Hi, Veronica! This was a great article. I'm yet one more woman in search of advice. I'm 30 and the boyfriend is 28. He proposed in October, and then rescinded the offer, so to speak. I sort of knew from the beginning that he wasn't into it. I asked him what compelled him to propose, and instead of a romantic response he replied, "I knew it would make you happy." A few months later (and a few thousand dollars worth of security deposits), he took it all back, and said he's not sure he's willing to make that kind of commitment to anybody. He said he felt pressure to move the relationship forward, as we have been dating for three years and living together the entire time (it began as a roommate situation). I'm trying to accept the here and now, but at the end of the day, I'm alarmed that he's not willing to make a commitment to someone he's been living with for three years. All of a sudden, my mother's "why buy the cow" warning is running through my head, and I feel like I'm being used. Although he says his feelings for me haven't changed, I can't help but think that inertia is keeping us together, and he's keeping his options open. Not only that, but I lost a lot of respect for him for making such a big promise and taking it away. I feel he should have been self-aware enough to know that he didn't want to get married, and to start a conversation along the lines of, "I know you're probably expecting a proposal, but..." As hard as that would have been to take, I think it would have been easier than getting a ring, getting excited and then losing it all. He seemed like a perfect guy for most of the three years we've dated, but I'll admit now I can't help but think he's emotionally immature.

Am I being impatient? Should I let it go and appreciate what we have now, or do I need to recognize that I just might not be the girl for him, even though he's not willing to admit it?

Thanks!

anony 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I'd love your insight on my situation. I am 27 and my bf is 30. We've been together for about 3 years. When we first met he very much pursued me and talked about the future (definitely hinting at things like marriage and kids although not explicitly talking about them). We have a great relationship, very solid, we don't really fight and it generally feels very easy when we are together. Last year we had the kids convo. I definitely want kids and he's not sure. His parents are divorced and his father wasn't the greatest and I think he worries he'll turn into him. Also, he's in debt and I think feels very far from being at a point where he could have kids (I feel far too, but that doens't mean I don't think about it). I got upset at the time because I felt like this meant we had no future together and had to break up. But we discussed it and I'm a long way from being ready to have kids, so I felt like its ok to be together for now and live in the present and see what happens.

Anyway, I recently brought up the future again (nothing specific like marriage or kids) but just generally the future, like would he consider moving in together at some point and where he sees this going. I don't feel ready to move in together at the moment, but I also want to be open to talking and thinking about steps like that, even though it scares me. I hear horror stories about couples that get engaged and then find out that she wants one thing and he wants another and so then they break up. I am trying to avoid that. Currently we are both in a period of transition, looking for jobs and figuring out life, so there's this a big unknown about our futures. He said he's not ready to move in together (he still lives at home and I think he's gotten too comfortable with that!) because he's always been told that once you move in together it goes downhill. He also says he's never really imagined himself having a family. I am not sure if this is cause of his parents divorce or cause most of his friends aren't married or what. This all seems so different from the way he talked when we first met (althoguh, I know things change from the honeymoon stage). I really love him and I think he's just scared and feels immature still so part of me thinks I just need to be patient. I also feel like he doesn't want to give himself a chance at being happy in a way. So I'm all upset now and not sure what to do. Things are really great in the present, but I feel like I can't jsut ignore the future. I am still young and not in any big rush to make a long term commitment, but I would like to be married and have kids by my mid-thirties. I'm not sure if this means I need to end it or if I need to just give it more time. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

stbf73199 2 years ago

I have been with and living with my boyfriend for a lil over 5 years. I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant and although I knew from the beginning that he wasn't ready to get married even for the sake of the child, I still decided to keep the baby. Growing up in a city full of statistics of unwed pregnancy, I am embaressed to say that he is my boyfriend and not my husband or fiance when people see that I am pregnant, so I asked for a compromise. I offered getting engaged before the baby is born in exchange for waiting for marriage and he agreed. Lastnight, tho, when I brought it up the engagement, he said he can't believe I want to go through with this engagement knowing he doesn't want to. It hurt bad. I mean I just don;t get it. We live together, we are about to have a child, we have a married life without the certificate, why is he so against the thought? How can he have everything with me that a married couple has and says he loves me, but get so aggravated by the idea. He says he's not going anywhere and that he will marry me, but sometimes he's just so harsh in his honesty of not wanting to now. Is there any man who can explain this to me or anyone at all?

Cali 2 years ago

My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over 2 years now. I just moved in with him recently and things are going bad fast. We work opposite schedules so we don't get to see each other much. When we do see each other we fight or hardly talk. I don't think he is happy and I don't know why. He goes out with his friends all the time while I'm at work and does whatever he wants yet he's still seems unhappy. Should I move out? Should I leave him? I hate to through everything away, I do love him and I think he loves me. We are just in a rut and I don't know what to do. Please help me!!

Confused 2 years ago

Hi Veronica,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for little over 5 months now. She's 25 and I'm 28. At about the 3 month mark she started questioning the direction of the relationship and wanting some form of reassurance that there was something worth staying with me for. She's convinced that i'm the one. I told her that I wanted to take things on the day by day to make my own assessment of how compatible we were. Well at the 5 month mark she's given me an ultimatum telling me that she needs a reason to stay in town (i.e marriage) otherwise she's gonna take a job offer out of state within the next year. I love her,and am settled into my career where i told her that moving with her was not an option. I feel pressured to make such a hasty decision at such an early stage in the relationship. I feel as though this threat of marriage on her part interferes with the natural development of the relationship at this point. Furthermore, she's told me that she wants kids within the first year of marriage I find it hard to agree with any of what she says because I still hold on to the notion that 5 months is hardly a long enough measure of time to get to know someone. I don't really know what to say to her because i think she's just acting out of fear that her biological clock is ticking away. On a side note she has been engaged 2 times in the past and not once walked down the isle. Granted in those cases she's told me that her past fiancees cheated on her before the wedding. I'm not sure if perhaps resentment of being pressured too hastily into marriage might have played a hand in this considering that these guys popped the question at around the 4 to 5 month mark. Help! what advice can you give to save this relationship from potentially repeating a doomed pattern. I love this girl but think she needs to give the relationship some more time.

Virtuous One 24 months ago

Hello Veronica. Your insight is quite remarkable and you definitely give unbiased opinions. Its always better to hear an outside/unbiased opinion than your own because when your in the situation your blinded by the fireworks.

I have been with my current gf for exactly 2 years and i really do love her. She has been with very successful men before me but stated she is not looking to be with a man with money but who he is and how he makes her feel. I thought this was impressive and it won me over. She had guys talk to her about marriage before but her reason she gave them to "wait it out" is the same reason i give her now.

She explained to me that the reason she was giving them was not good and it was because she didnt find the right guy until i came along (pats myself on the back). Now she has been threatening that she wont stay forever and that she needs to see at least an engagement ring from me or else or else or else...me personally i dont like threats one bit and i dont wanna just engage or marry someone out of pressure, it takes the fun out of the creativity i want to have when i plan my typical "will you marry me scene". i currently live with my mom and dont have a stable job because i have invested most of my time to my business. I really want to get married at 30 and always said i need to be with a girl to know her for at least 3 years, im currently 29 and she...26...her family is in her ear saying that if i dont show commitment by a ring then i clearly dont love her and must have doubts - but im so tired of explaining thats not the case to her so now im at the point whre i dont care if she leaves me because i will NOT marry out of pressure ...i want to know your take on this situation....do you think im wrong for not wanting to marry her out of pressure? i also dont want to lose her cuz i do love her....

Tabatha 24 months ago

hello

I have been with my boyfriend foralmost threeyears we live together and we are totally Happy IM ready to get married and every time I talk to him about it he get agitated and says I want to get married someday. I dont want to wait five years it just doesnt make sence we are stable we havefun we both want the same things what is he waiting for. He just gets so angry when I bring itup and it doesnt seem like he is evergoing to make up his mind. I dont really know what IM supposed to do because we live together and whendo I give up on waiting for him.

Sincerly

Confused

Jess 24 months ago

Hi Veronica~

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years. I'm 25 and he's now 30. I work full time and am in school full time. Both of us have very similar goals in life. My problem is marriage. He bought a house in which we live together and he wanted me to purchase it with him. I turned him down saying we are not married and it would not be in my best interest if I did. He understands but I could tell he was hurt by my decision. We had the house built and everything about it is what we chose together. While marriage isn't everything to me, I do want to be married and I truly want to be married to him and "make a future". I'm lucky in the fact that we are able to talk and have a conversation about it. He says he thinks of our future but is not ready for marriage. I told him I did not want him to marry me because I want him to marry me and resent me for it. I want kids and want to enjoy being married before we start a family. Am I hoping for too much or is he really trying to hold on to me without giving me what I need in return?

spaceandtime30 24 months ago

Veronica,

I need your unbiased (and amazing advice). I'm 33.

I recently split up with my long-term girlfriend after seven years. Why? Because although I loved her to bits, I simply couldn't see the wedding day. I panicked at the thought of marriage. Didn't feel ready to enter into a bit family. I couldn't speak to my partner about any of this because I was just shattering her dreams.

I basically don't have much of a clue what I want from life, and tend to just coast on a day-to-day basis. But now I've broken someone's heart and kept her waiting for more than 7 years. She's now 33 and wants a family and children.

Now that we've split up, I really miss her. And I look at all the cosiness and warmth and happiness we had together and I should want it. Yet the prospect of family and children I still don't feel ready for. What on earth shall I do? Keep away from her? Try to come round to it? Or just go back and smile through a wedding and hope it all works out down the line???

Thanks for your help.

spaceandtime30 23 months ago

Veronica,

Thanks so much for your reply. For seven years I coasted in a relationship just happy to see where it would end up, rather than proactively thinking about marriage, the steps needed to get there, and what my life might look like when I do get to that point.

Now, I'm a lot more switched on about what I do want (was this my Rites of Passage, moment?).

With this in mind, I was REALLY interested in the plight of your husband. Before he met you. After all that existential soul-searching in his previous relationship, did meeting you just suddenly make sense? Were there certain character traits you had that he realised were deficient in his last relationship? Does this tend to happen quite a lot with men who are uncertain about what they want - and then find out what they DO by what DIDN'T work?

I suppose my question is, is finding "the one" usually a lot more simple than we tend to make it?

spaceandtime30 23 months ago

Veronica,

Thanks so much for your reply. For seven years I coasted in a relationship just happy to see where it would end up, rather than proactively thinking about marriage, the steps needed to get there, and what my life might look like when I do get to that point.

Now, I'm a lot more switched on about what I do want (was this my Rites of Passage, moment?).

With this in mind, I was REALLY interested in the plight of your husband. Before he met you. After all that existential soul-searching in his previous relationship, did meeting you just suddenly make sense? Were there certain character traits you had that he realised were deficient in his last relationship? Does this tend to happen quite a lot with men who are uncertain about what they want - and then find out what they DO by what DIDN'T work?

I suppose my question is, is finding "the one" usually a lot more simple than we tend to make it?

Lindsey 23 months ago

Veronica,

Why aren't you harsher with the guys in these situations(referencing your response to spaceandtime30)? I've read a lot of your hubs and really appreciate the no-nonsense/3 martini approach and thoughtful insight, but it just seems that you put more responsibility on the women for the marriage question than you do the guys. Am I just imagining or projecting this myself? I realize that I'm biased to the women's perspective as I was there myself, but I don't it's wholly off base.

For example, I completely agree with you that people have to be responsible for their own life path and happiness (a lesson I learned the hard way), but why don't men such as spaceandtime30 also have a responsibility to be upfront and honest with women in this situation? I understand if they literally never talked about it, then I suppose it's more understandable. But it sounds like he did know that she wanted kids and marriage at some point. Was this really news to him at year 7? It seems unlikely. I'm not saying I think he lied to her per se, but it's hard to walk when you know that he knows you want marriage and kids and also tell you things like he loves you to bits. And I don't like to admit such things, but a lot of women are raised by families and encouraged by society to be accommodating and nurturing, which often contributes to this sort of situation (you almost never hear of a man waiting around for 7 years and ending up heartbroken because his gf won't commit so there must be something inherently different about the sexes and/or gender roles).

Sure, a really savvy, emotionally mature woman can separate those out and understand that the actions aren't aligning with the words or that they may love each other but aren't going to be compatible because they want different things in life. But just as a woman has a responsibility to take control of her own happiness, be clear about expectations and act accordingly, do you think the men in these situations have some similar duty to act responsibly emotionally? Like perhaps after 5 years and he's 31 and he doesn't want to marry her, that maybe he has some responsibility for pulling the plug too? I think the woman (like I was) is the bigger fool for not seeing the writing on the wall and allowing herself to be strung along and semi-duped, but at what point does he incur some responsibility to for the "I love you, but I'm not ready yet" response?

I guess sometimes it just doesn't seem right that women have to be the emotionally responsible/aware ones in these situations and guys get more of a pass because they didn't know what they want. I realize that practically that may make the most sense, but I think he should feel some guilt for this after 7 years. Not all the guilt (I'm sure she feels a classic fool), but I also don't think at 33 this is the same as not knowing what you want and going through some of the necessary trials and tribulations that happen at 23. At some point, you're taking someone else along on that path of self-discovery and you should have some consideration for their heart as well.

dc 23 months ago

I might have to call you on this on, Veronica. I was reading thru spaceandtime30 and your response, and thinking the same things that Lindsey came up with in the very next post. I generally agree with you on everything, and in this case, it's the 7 years that is the sticking point. While I agree with you and Lindsey that, ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness, I tend to agree with Lindsey that at some point, spaceandtime can no longer get off completely scot-free, as I really feel like he has in this case. Sure, maybe at the 4-5 year mark, if he loved her, if he really truly loved her to bits (and also keeping in mind he was 26 when they got together and 30-31 at that point, no longer a kid in his 20s), and knew that she was wanting something different, that he might ~never~ be willing to provide, at that point he might need to man up and say, Look babe, I love you to bits, I want to be with you, YOU, but I don't know about this rosy picture you're painting, kids, etc, and I gotta tell ya, if that's what you're looking for, I may never be that guy. And give her that option to look elsewhere, if he loved her and wanted her to be happy, he should let her know that she may never get what she wanted from him, and then she could make an informed decision about staying with him, minus her pre-made plans. I myself brought this up with my on again-off again partner of two years, knowing he eventually wanted kids, and I didn't.

Actually, I need to give spaceandtime some credit, it sounds like this conversation may have actually taken place, though it seems a bit later than my comfort zone timeline.

And yeah. I agree with your metaphors in general, certainly most of these letters involve women who aren't hearing what the guy is clearly telling them, however I'm specifically referring to this situation. Spaceandtime has done the right thing, absolutely, belatedly, he should put it behind him now, but I think he should realize that he has a bit of responsibility and be more aware of it next time.

Thanks for your efforts as always, I'm sure lots of people appreciate your insightful analyses.

Lindsey 23 months ago

Hey Veronica,

Thank you for the response and invitation to continue the dialogue; I really appreciate it. I'll try to keep my personal projections out of it, though I'm sure a good portion of them will bleed through, so please bear with me in this regard.

As for my own hurt, yeah, it sucked. But it was a good life lesson, and taught me, among other things, to learn to better voice my needs, desires and expectations rather than try to interpret or communicate them in ambiguous actions or general statements. The ironic part is that I've always been very good about such things in a professional atmosphere (I'm an attorney), but even in the that setting, I'm also aware of the balance of the double standards (an assertive man is a go-getter, maverick, etc. where a woman is more often a demanding bitch). Unfortunately, I failed to speak my own truth as much as I should have in my personal life. Good life lesson, on my levels.

However, this is the rub, and where I find many women get caught. Perhaps nurturing isn't the right word, but women are often taught by family, society and perhaps even developed to a certain extent from a biological/evolutionary perspective, to consider the whole/others first (community, group, family and the case of a couple—the "us" rather than the "me") rather than themselves, whereas men I think often are the other way around (the yin and yang). They more naturally lean towards looking after number one first and more often have to learn to consider others—that just seems the most logical order. Obviously, blanket statements and generalizations, but I think it's part of the situation why men are generally more direct and assertive than women. Sometimes this becomes dependence on the less assertive person's part, but I think that's not always necessarily the case. It's probably closer to a lack of self-worth or an inability to express or properly prioritize their needs as equally important as their partner's (and when you have family and society telling you that's the proper way to be woman/lady, it's especially difficult and one thing I think we need to address from a cultural/societal standpoint---after that, I'd tackle the virgin/whore issue in female sexuality, but that's a discussion for another day). Are you an only child? Or a first born in your family? I find women that lean towards the more assertive, direct side to more often be only children or first borns.

When this enters into the dating arena, it becomes more difficult. I would wholly agree with your landlord analogy, except for one little word: yet. If the renter said they were not looking to buy or never were looking to buy, I'd absolutely say you were spot on. But when the renter says that they're not ready to buy yet, then it takes on a whole other connotation. It implies that one day they may be ready to buy (and worse if they said one day they'd like to be homeowners) and leaves the seller in a sticky situation. This is where I think most women find themselves---the balance between wanting to be patient with someone that is trying to get there and nurturing and supportive of that self-discovery and knowing when to say when and put their needs before their partner's needs. Often men won't address the difficult commitment issues directly which results in sometimes a genuine misunderstanding for which they're both responsible in my eyes or sometimes a deceptive/lie by omission situation, often where the men don't want to discuss it because they don't want the conflict, don't want to deal with difficult emotions (either theirs or their partner's) or simply don't want to lose a good girlfriend/situation (these are the true cads in my book and I think they are taking advantage of their girlfriends and "stringing them along"). As an aside, I think you also can be very harsh on the women for being too direct and turning into a nag----it's a difficult line you seem to be expecting women to walk whereas men are given much greater latitude as either the boyfriend being bullied by the controlling, demanding nag of a girlfriend or the boyfriend who is just happily coasting along without any thought of tomorrow or his girlfriend's dreams and needs and it's she that is being too dependent and not taking enough control for her own life and happiness. You don't seem to be as harsh with the men that need to stand up to their nagging girlfriends or the men who are stepping on their doormat girlfriends.

The part where I think that something of this sort was going on in spaceandtime30's situation is when he explained in the first paragraph that he loved her to bits but the idea of marriage and starting a family panicked him--totally fine. But then he said but he couldn't speak to her about any of this because he was shattering her dreams. That's the part where I think he's being a selfish, possibly deceptive, cad. I read that as he knew her dreams, it sounds like she thought he was on board when he wasn't and he didn't tell her that, allowing her to believe they were working towards the same things when they either weren't or it was at least less certain from his side---he'd hit a roadblock and didn't tell her. I feel that in that situation he owes it to her to clarify his position and feelings. He owes it to her to have that frank discussion about hard truths and his doubts. And worst of all, he says he's avoiding it because it shatters her dreams, but that isn't true---he isn't having that discussion because it would be too hard on him, not her. At that point, he knows he's going to shatter her dreams at sometime and to just stay silent on it is only going to make it worse in the end----especially if the poor girl is doing things with him that she thinks is leading to a permanent future together (living together, decorating a place together, putting away for a wedding/family expenses, etc. and thinks that he is sharing in those goals).

Obviously, I'm not saying that she doesn't have responsibility in this. Frankly, I think she has the most responsibility (as I did)—to check in, to make sure you still want the same things and not just assume you do because he hasn't told you differently. And to set viable goals that lead towards marriage. The problem is that it's hard to know when the rubber hits the road until you finally get to that make-it-or-break-it moment of deciding marriage, and that's usually several years down the road, not a mere few months. Up to that point, if you've made your goals clear and he says he shares them generally (wants to get married and have kids someday), but just isn't sure about the timing---not quite yet---it's very hard to know when you should stop being the patient, kind, understanding girlfriend or strike out on your own and look for someone that knows what he wants now. And it's especially hard when he's telling you how much he loves you---it made me cave and give him more time.

I think it's that "yet" that gets women more often than not. Men that are clear that they don't want to marry, I think that's a much easier situation to gauge, but men that imply or worse explicitly state that they share similar general goals but just can't tell you yet if those specifically include you, that's harder. And for me, men like spaceandtime30, fall into the latter category rather than the former who are more clear and direct about not wanting marriage and/or kids.

Just to be clear, I totally understand that genuine misunderstandings happen or that things just change and that is to be expected in life. But 7 years? That seems cruel to me from the man's standpoint and, as you pointed out, extremely foolish from the woman's perspective. Although the majority of the responsibility and foolishness falls on her shoulders for not taking care of herself, I think a significant portion falls on his too. Had it been 3 years, totally different story, but 7---that's too much, in my humble opinion, and at some point prior he starts to assume some of that responsibility too.

I guess I somewhat liken it to a woman that accepts gifts or romantic gestures from a man that she has no intention of b

Lindsey 23 months ago

Here's where it got cutoff (guess I said too much:)

I guess I somewhat liken it to a woman that accepts gifts or romantic gestures from a man that she has no intention of being romantic with. When the wooing starts out, they're going on dates and she hasn't made up her mind whether she wants to be more romantic with him or date him exclusively, I think accepting the flowers, gifts, etc. is totally fine. She's trying to decide whether she wants to date him more seriously. He is making it very clear that he wants to date her in some fashion. But if it comes to a point, where although she may enjoy his company and him footing the bill for expensive entertainment, meals, gifts, etc., she knows she no longer wants be romantic with him, I think she owes it to him to tell him that. She may say (like a man that doesn't want marriage), "hey, I like you, I enjoy your company, I enjoy you taking me out to dinner and seeing shows, but this is never going to be more than it is right now (whether that's friends or friends with benefits)", then the man can decide whether he's okay with that. Whether he's willing to invest in this woman at that level knowing that he will never be more to her. But for her to say, "well, I like you, etc., and I know I eventually want to be with someone in the way you want to be with me, but I'm just not sure if I want that with you yet" or worse, says nothing, but keeps taking the gifts and smiling, that's a totally different story. Like the marriage question, it implies that if he keeps doing what he's doing, then one day she may give him what he wants---and it's up to him to force the question. In my mind, though it makes more sense for him to push the question as he's the one making the heavier investment (like a woman with time if she wants to have kids), I also think she has some responsibility to him to express where she is in the process internally after , especially if the thought of being what he wants her to be panics or scares her (meaning, it's unlikely she's going to be able to be that for him). I think most men would feel taken advantage of in such a situation (as well as a fool) and why many women feel similarly in the marriage situation. Luckily for guys, this situation only persists for men for usually a few weeks or months, not like it can with women for years with the marriage question.

This may be a little crass, but I'd consider a woman like this a tease and lacking in character and I'd consider a man that does that regarding a woman and the marriage question similarly lacking in character---a marriage tease, perhaps?

Lindsey 23 months ago

So interesting, Veronica, how two people can look at the same situation and interpret them so differently. I guess that's the beauty of different perspectives and no doubt a result of our different experiences.

On the only child comment, I was just reading a book a while back about birth order and how certain patterns have been noticed by psychologists regarding personality traits and birth order. I won't get into a dissertation about it here, but one of the things I remembered was that when someone is very direct, assertive, naturally tend to leadership roles, it is likely that they were either a firstborn of their sex or an only child (only children usually had even more intense versions of these traits). They also tend to be more driven, ambitious and perfectionistic than later siblings---which, obviously, can be a double-edged sword. I believe it has something to do with having only adults to look up to for example/mirroring purposes as a child as opposed to a sibling that is only a few years older (lower/more reasonable expectations). For example, a disproportionately high number of presidents and CEOs of Fortune 500 Companies are only children or firstborn sons/daughters. It had some interesting points that gave me greater insight into relationship dynamics both personally and professionally. What is your husband?

Oh, and sorry about the pretty fucked-up family.

I see your point on "yet", and perhaps I explained it badly. I was using in the way where I assumed they'd already had a discussion about similar life goals (in this case, marriage and children) and they were compatible, where the guy said, "yeah, I'd like to have that one day, but I'm not there yet." I think that has a different connotation. If he said he never knew if he'd even want those things, then that's a different story. But to say that generally you want the same things, but just aren't there personally yet, that brings me to the sticky situation and implies that it's possible that he may one day get there.

Spaceandtime30 knew her dreams and I think he owed her candor on his fears and concerns regarding being a part of those dreams. I also think that your comment also assumes many things not stated by spaceandtime30. You seem very sensitive to the wanting to change someone issue, as if all women are trying to change their boyfriends into the men they want rather than accept them as they are. I think some undeniably do that, but I wouldn't necessarily say that's what happened in spaceandtime30's case.

How do we not know that they didn't have the marriage/kids talk at the 6 month or 1 year mark. How do we know that it is the girlfriend trying to change him and not him changing the parameters of the relationship? They could have been in school and both not looking to do that in the next 2-3 years when they started dating in their mid-twenties, but seeing it on the horizon in the 4-6 time frame in their early 30s (finishing up grad school, getting established in a career, just wanting to enjoy more strings-free time in the 20s, etc.). It's quite possible that's what happened and from her perspective things are going along well, they're both taking care of business and preparing themselves for that later goal (as you can tell, this is closer to where I was). Then somewhere along the line, things change---perhaps because the general idea of marriage and kids is desirable and easy to agree to as a longterm goal but seeing it staring you in the face in the near future is a lot scarier (I think of kids this way---a lot of people like the idea of it, but being pregnant, no matter how much you want kids, is often scary for many because you know your life is about to radically change—and change is almost always somewhat scary, even when exciting and desired).

I'm not saying people aren't allowed to grow and change. Of course, they are. And I've found in my experience that some of the biggest events can't even really be truly anticipated---how someone reacts to losing a parent, a child, their job, aging—things that often don't happen in the relatively few years dating but will probably happen in the decades following dating and getting married.

But the difference I see here is that spaceandtime30 did know what she wanted now (and may have wanted very early on in the relationship)---marriage and kids, or at least a relationship that led to that---and he wasn't so sure he wanted that at all. He should have talked to her about those doubts when they arose, whether that was initially or later on. And perhaps he did. It just sounded to me that he didn't because he said that he couldn't talk to her about these things because it would shatter her dreams. That's the fault I find with him. If he did communicate these things and she decided to go ahead and take the risk that he would change, then I'd agree with you that he was honest and clear and the fault for hoping he'd change is 100% on her. I just disagree with you on him being honest and clear about these doubts given his statement about not being able to talk to her about them.

He seems honest and clear about them now, but it's 7 years later. If things really just changed for him at 7 years, okay. But that seems far-fetched to me. It seems more likely that this changed sometime earlier (perhaps year 4, 5, etc.) and that's when he should have been honest and clear with her about his doubts/fears and not hung around for a couple more years without that frank conversation. But, you're right, in that we don't really know what happened in this regard. It could be like you say, or it could be like I say. Perhaps, if we're lucky, spaceandtime30 will chime in and give us more details.

You also assume they have the same views on what they have in the present or that she changed the rules, and I don't necessarily agree with that either. You assume that they both started out with this fun, coasting along relationship without giving much thought to the future (or as he said, being proactive about marriage) and she changed somewhere along the way with wanting kids and marriage. She on the other hand may have been very honest and upfront about her longterm goals and thought this fun, coasting along time was fine for now but was a step towards marriage and it was he who changed the parameters/goals. The fact is that we don’t really know.

I guess we disagree on people's responsibilities regarding others' hearts. I think when you love someone, you have some responsibility to help them if they can't help themselves. I think that makes you a good person. I know it's an extreme and far-from-perfect example, but would you apply the same logic to a person who was an alcoholic or being self-destructive for other reasons (perhaps recent death, etc.). There are times when people don't know what's best for themselves or can't see reality---whether it's an addiction, grief, fucked-up family, etc. Do you let them continue to do things that will hurt them in the longterm? I understand that you can't control people or make them do what you want, but you can control your actions in regards to them. You can tell the alcoholic that you won't enable his drinking anymore, you can tell depressed, grief-stricken friend that they need help and you'll leave if they persist in their self-destructive ways, etc. Sure, you can't make them get help, but you can limit your facilitation of destructive habits.

If you're friend is with a guy who you both know doesn't want kids and marriage while you know she does, do you not tell her that she has to face reality and act accordingly? Why shouldn't a boyfriend have as much loyalty to his partner as a friend would have to her? And if he is that impediment (I don’t mean to say not wanting kids/marriage is inherently destructive, just incompatible with someone who wants those things), why shouldn't it be honorable for him to extricate himself from that situation and say, "honey, I love you and because I do, I'm going to let you go so you can go find someone that can give you what you truly want in this life because I know I can't." That takes chara

Lindsey 23 months ago

Rest of comment (you're simply too inspiring, Veronica!):

"honey, I love you and because I do, I'm going to let you go so you can go find someone that can give you what you truly want in this life because I know I can't." That takes character, and balls. I think loving someone oftentimes means that you're willing to put their needs above your own in certain circumstances (not all the times, but sometimes). I know I couldn't stand in the way of my partner's dreams if the shoe were on the other foot, just because I loved him and liked our relationship as it was knowing that he wanted more and I couldn't give it to him. I would think I was being cruel and selfish and not very loving.

Now, if you communicate all of this and they accept it or are willing to take the risk that you'll change, fine. But if you don't, I think you bear some responsibility because you know they are deluding themselves and you're facilitating that self-delusion to your own benefit.

Not sure if the women disagreeing with you comment really applies here. It's somewhat like saying, no neutered dog gets testicular cancer so that's why you should have your dog neutered (big jump, stay with me). It's not a fair comparison. You have to look at the rate of testicular cancer for non-neutered dogs to evaluate the risk whether it makes sense to get him neutered to avoid testicular cancer. Women who everything worked out for aren't generally coming to your sight for advice on commitment issues, let alone complaining about their non-committing husbands---their husbands committed!

I couldn't agree with you more on who you're battling for or your comments about women having to find a better balance between caring for others and caring for herself. I'm just saying that as much as I'd like that to be our society, that isn't the reality now and to pretend otherwise is counterproductive. Women still get paid less than men and it's still much harder to be a working mother than it is to be a working father---the playing field isn't equalized yet and the situation isn't as simple as some would make it out to be economically, biologically or psychologically. I think you do a great service to women as being an enlightened, compassionate voice on how to better empower themselves and proactively shape the type of life they want.

As for threatening that she won't stay forever, I think you're mixing spaceandtime30 with Virtuous One. I agree with you that threatening isn't appropriate and speaks directly to the points you made in another hub regarding the difference between being a nag/bully and being an empowered, goal-oriented woman. I love the point you made about power and whether it's coming from a self-directed standpoint or a coercive/bullying one.

As for my situation, I'm not sure it was that. Perhaps. I think mostly poor communication all around. We met at 22 and broke up at 28. At 25, we broke up for other reasons and he asked me to take him back. I was very clear about that if we were going to give it another try, we had to be clear about goals and for me, that meant marriage (and eventually kids). I said that after 6 months of living together, we had to make a firm decision. I wasn't thinking proposal specifically, but something close to it with an engagement not far behind. He agreed. Then life happened. Within that 6-8 months, I finished law school, we moved in together, I started my first real career job working crazy long hours and my Dad died. It was Dad's illness and death that turned 6 months into 2 years. I was so emotionally busted up over it, that worrying about whether this relationship was going to lead to marriage was the least thing on my mind (not breaking down and getting fired were top priorities). The funny part is that I thought my Dad's illness and death brought us closer together. I thought, shoot, if he can stand by me during these incredibly dark times, he must be in it for the long haul.

But I neglected to really talk with him about it. To see if he was still on the same page I was. He wasn’t and I'm not sure when that changed, and he never said anything until I forced the issue and went with the ultimatum, more because I couldn't frankly understand what the issue was and he seemed unable to articulate it (it ended up having a lot more to do with his family and fears deriving from his parents' divorce than our relationship, but neither of us were that enlightened to see it at the time). Looking back, I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I had been more self-aware and acted in an honest, clear way and not assumed and projected as much as I did. Life lessons, but they came at a big price to both of us.

There are a few strange ironies. A year after we ended, he came back and proposed. Unfortunately, too much bad stuff had happened for there to be any chance at reviving our old relationship (cheating on his part at the end of our relationship---his cowardly, selfish way of breaking up with me instead of just breaking it off cleanly---and that's something I couldn't forgive a second time [I forgave a questionable situation before---something he considered not cheating and I did, and I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as we hadn't clearly defined the semi-murky area, but we had clearly defined stuff by the time something happened a second time]).

Three years later, I've been dating another man for a year and a half, and you better believe, I made my expectations really clear from the get-go. We have an age difference (I was 29 when we started dating and he was 23), and at the 6 month-mark, we had a real hard, clear conversation about relationship expectations and goals. I wasn't looking to just have fun. I was only interested in pursuing something further if it could lead to marriage and kids---and I was ideally looking for the marriage thing in 3 years or so. So I needed to know if he was interested in those things and in a similar time frame (5+ years later was too late for me). He said he was.

We're here 18 months later and we'll see how it turns out. If he says he isn't ready, fair enough. But I won't be willing to take the risk beyond the 2 year mark and he knows that and knew about it at the 6-month mark. So we'll see how it plays out (and your hub on the nag vs. clear communication and the story about not being an eternal girlfriend with your own husband helped immensely in this area). And, to boot, me and the old bad-break-up ex are friends again. He's ready to find "the one" now (he's 32) and has been looking for the past two years and can't seem to find someone that's on the same page with him. Ironic, no?

Lindsey 23 months ago

Thanks for the compliment, Veronica. I'm not sure I'll ever blog or do hub pages myself, but I do really enjoy this exchange with you. It's very interesting, stimulating and enlightening---I don't get nearly enough opportunities to really challenge and be challenged on such thoughts, so thank you for that.

As for the birth order thing, I read the Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman. A little light and fluffy at times and full of generalities that certainly don't apply to everyone, but some very interesting patterns which I could definitely see played out in my family in certain ways and relationship dynamics both personally and professionally. For me, I'm a middle kid (3 of 4), but the oldest girl so I have some traditional first born tendencies and some traditional middle kid tendencies (tend to be more entrepreneurial/marches to the beat of their own drum, more likely to move away from the family when compared with oldest and youngest, likely to have stronger friendship ties, can be more interested in people getting along than being "right" or getting his/her way, etc.). Strangely, I seem to be more firstborn in the workplace and more middle child in relationships. I think you'll find the read easy and interesting---if you do seek it out, let me know what you think.

The more we write, the more I'm starting to believe that we're not as far apart in our views as I initially thought, but we just tend to express them a little differently---use different words to express somewhat similar concepts.

I guess I thought something must have changed because I think it would be supremely foolish to get involved with someone that you know right from the get-go doesn't want something that is a dealbreaker issue for you (and opposing views on marriage and kids are often dealbreakers---things that just can't be compromised on for many people). So if that really is the situation and he was so "oh I don't know" from the very beginning and she was hoping he would change, then she is a supremely stupid and got exactly what she deserved. In my experience, that period of not knowing often happens in the first 6 months or so of a relationship but once it starts to get "serious", conversations about deal breakers happen, especially for people looking for spouses or life partners in the longterm. For her not to have talked to him about his views on marriage generally somewhat early on to see if they were at all compatible with her goals seems extremely foolish and so I just thought that was extremely unlikely. I thought she must have some idea that he wants to be married/kids someday and the issue is more with whom and when, not whether he ever wanted those things with anyone ever. Therefore, I thought something must have changed along the way. But I could totally be wrong there.

For the controlling people's lives and judgments issues, I apologize if I offended you. I didn't mean for those statements to be interpreted in that way. I wasn't trying to say you should control people, I was thinking it more from the perspective of helping them to face reality and not enabling self-destructive delusions or behaviors. I somewhat think of it like I think a therapist would view it. A therapist telling her client not to x or to do y seems like a terrible strategy for a myriad reasons (from the fury is would invoke in people like you and me regarding control and value judgments to it not helping a person to make their own assessments for themselves). But I think a good therapist would ask questions and gently lead a client down a certain path of self-discovery and part of that would be learning to accept reality---not what you wish it were, but seeing it for what it is. Because you can't really begin a journey until first realize where you are.

So for the friend in the dead-end relationship, I first would never offer unsolicited advice in such situations---usually ends badly for the one offering the advice no matter how incredibly accurate that advice is. You can't make someone see truths until they're ready to see them (the whole leading a horse to water thing), and they determine when that is (for some, it may be never). But in the course of a close friendship where they want my feedback on situations, I would offer probing questions. Is she unhappy? Why is she unhappy? What does she think she needs to be happy? Is that being provided in this relationship? Is this something that she needs in a relationship or does she need to find it elsewhere (especially within)? Questions like that. The person's answers will reveal the truth and their reality to them when they're willing to really ponder them and answer them honestly to themselves.

I didn't mean for it to come off as controlling or "you should do X". You're right; I would be absolutely furious if someone tried to control me like that and resent their intrusiveness. But it's also probably a result of my strong personality that I can be inadvertently thick-headed. Since I know that I brook no control from others, I somewhat automatically assume statements (even really strongly worded opinions) are always optional or suggestions. I have no problem with someone saying, "you should do X". I think about it, assume it's a suggestion and then tell them why I think it's a good idea or not. And if they really are trying to be controlling, I have no issue with telling them to bugger off. As a result, I can lose sight of how my strong opinions can appear more forceful or controlling for others without skulls as thick as mine:) So my apologies in that regard. No one likes a know-it-all or the self-righteous type, me included.

Lindsey 23 months ago

I couldn't agree with you more on the first date analysis. No one should be talking marriage in a specific sense on the first date, but waiting 7 years isn't reasonable either. I'd think that most people that are looking for marriage and kids talk about those things within the first 6 months to a year to see if they're even in the same ballpark, perhaps if they're really young, they won't talk about it for several years. If you're 20, I could see people not talking about that for several years because they may be focused on other things---having fun, finishing school, establishing a career, etc. But someone not talking about it for several years when they're in their mid to late twenties (especially if a woman that wants marriage and kids), that seems highly unlikely. I think so many women fall into the trap that love conquers all--if he loves you, he'll eventually want those things too. It's a hard lesson to learn to realize that you can love someone incredibly but still be fundamentally incompatible. You see it in the marriage/kids issue as well as many others---family values, career/work lifestyle, religion, etc. Which is why I think most people once they're out of their early twenties talk about these things to some extent in the first year of a relationship. Perhaps I'm giving too many people too much credit, but otherwise just seems nutsy to me.

As far as the before 30 marriage stats go, I'd love to see where you got those. I did a quick google search and didn't see anything even close to that. I'd just love to see what study showed that because I'd greatly question it as my experience has been no different. I don't doubt that marriage before 30 have a higher rate of divorce than those after 30, I just would think it was nearly that skewed--80% as opposed to 20%. I'd also like to know if they were comparing just first marriages because I think that would skew the over 30 side as well (in the sense if it was the 2nd time around, I could see people being more careful in selecting a spouse and learning from the mistakes of their first marriage, though I don't know if this is statistically pertinent either---I'd just like to make sure they're comparing apples to apples).

I know my experience isn't likely the norm, but I've just seen dramatically different percentages of that in my life. Comparing my parents, aunts and uncles, and grandparents, we've had 9 marriages where people were under 30 (21 to 27 I think) and 7 of those did not end in divorce (3 are now widows but after 30+ years of marriage). 2 did end in divorce. But that's a 22% divorce rate, not an 80% divorce rate. We've also had 3 over-30 marriages (1 of which was a second marriage) and they're 100%. So yes, the over-30 ones have a better percentage of staying together---100% vs. 78%. And I totally agree that my family appears to have been done much better than the statistical averages on divorce on all fronts. But I just have a really hard time believing that 80% of marriages where one of the people was under 30 statistically in divorce. I think there may be something off in such a study or a serious flaw in the statistical analyses used. If you have the study and/or website, I'd love to see the data.

I guess I'd err on the side where there are many factors, and age/experience definitely is one of them, but not that large of a determining factor as I've known some 25 year-olds that are incredibly mature and self-aware and some 40 year-olds that painfully are not.

a rose by any other 23 months ago

Veronica,

Do you think it's possible there is a huge disparity in the desire to wed based on gender? I honestly feel like - be it genetics or society - most or all women have this image of having a ring on their finger, a huge house with a yard, and 2.5 kids come 30, and that most or all guys would rather not fork $3000 for a rock, $10,000+ for a wedding, a mortgage on a house they'll never pay off, and 2.5 very expensive mouths-to-feed. Howard Stern once quipped that marriage ruins everything, and that if you really care about eachother then you'll realize you don't need all that aggrivation to show it, and - being a guy (bias) - I really have to agree with him. OK, so they want progeny to prolong the species. Why does reproducing and committing to monogamy require a massively expensive ring and a ceremony no one can actually afford plus months of aggrivation preparing for the wedding...by 30? I'm 24, and if I had a kid now or any time in the next 10+ years, the poor thing would literally starve to death - at $180 a week I mean that in the most sincere of terms with no attempt at euphamism. Anyways, now I'm rambling; do you think the disparity exists? More important, I'm finding it tough to find any actual articles that discuss this from any sort of scientific standpoint; do you know of any? Thanks!

Lindsey 23 months ago

On the marriage statistics, you're not comparing the same things. You're doing the neutered dog/happily married women don't complain about non-committing boyfriends thing again. The statistic doesn't say that 80% of people who enter a marriage before age 30 get a divorce. It says that of all people that get divorced, 80% got married under 30. Two very different things.

It speaks not at all to the chance of getting divorced if you marry under 30 because it only considers those that got divorced (like happily married women not coming to your hub for commitment questions---yeah, because their husbands committed and so they don't have issues with non-committing boyfriends). These statistics don't consider the whole picture----those who got divorced and those who did not get divorced.

For example, let's say the divorce rate is 10% overall (I realize it's higher than that, but I'm using 10% because it's an easy number for math purposes). Now, let's say that there are 1000 total marriages (once again, way off---too low in the case---but go with me). That would mean that 100 result in divorces and 900 don't. Then we look at those 100 divorces and see the age of the individuals involved, and 80% of those folks were under 30--that means 80 marriages of the original 1000 (I'm ignoring the possible additional skewing of partners with varying ages for simplicity--i.e. one partner is under 30 and one is not; I'm making them both under 30 or both not). The flaw is that you have no idea what the ages are for the people that didn't get divorced---they could all be under 30. Perhaps the other 900 marriages that didn't end in divorce got married under 30--would you then say that everyone that gets married under 30 is guaranteed not to get divorced? No, of course not. But that's what the statistics would say in this example if you looked at just those who didn't get divorced. And if the other 900 marriages started under 30 and didn't end in divorce, that would me that if you married under 30, your chance of getting a divorce would be 8% (i.e. 980 total marriages under age 30, 80 of which ended in divorce and 900 that didn't) and if you married over the age of 30, you have a 100% chance of divorce (20 total marriages over the age of 30, all of which ended in divorce).

See how drastically things can change if you're not careful about looking at everything---this is the chief reason statistics can be misleading and easily manipulated (I originally thought the same thing when I read that chart and had to look at it closer to see the flaw in the analysis). Bobbie-7 should be flogged!

To be an accurate reflection of this issue, you'd have to look at ALL the couples that got married before 30 and then see how many are divorced and how many aren't. Then you'll have an accurate reflection of a person's chance of getting divorced before marrying under 30. All we know from this statistic is that people who marry before thirty are relatively more likely to get divorced than those that married after 30, but we don't know how many of them compared to the whole of all people that get married are likely to get divorced--it could be 8% or it could bo 80+%.

Bruce 23 months ago

Hi Veronica,

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and 8 months. She's Chinese, 26 years old, and her parents/family have been pushing her for marriage for probably 4 months now.

She was about to do her MBA and I needed to move from my apartment because it wasn't a great neighbourhood. I asked her to live with me to help the burden of doing her MBA because I knew it would be difficult.

And it was. After awhile I felt neglected. Four months ago she essentially proposed to me because "her mother told her to." I said relationships need time to test themselves and that it was too soon.

Today, she's done her MBA, employed her life-long education concerns are done. I think she's been pressured constantly those four months about marriage because she re-engaged a discussion like an argument.

She's a planner and I am fairly directionless. That's either a nightmare or a perfect mix. She's very direct and bottom-line (in our argument she called me pathetic) and I would rather say nothing than say something cruel. She hinted at an ultimatum. Me suggesting it is too soon is suggesting I don't respect her Chinese heritage.

I did this to myself. I set a flag, a flag monitor, and then walked away. We recently agreed to save towards a a house. I like that. Marriage ... wasn't something I thought I would be bullied into. What's to the stop the Mother from attempting to interfere with how we raise our child? What schools they go to? What professions they choose?

I'm meek but have the balls to walk away from the relationship. I suppose the question is, given the circumstances, is it really cowardice to abandon a relationship simply because I'm 28 and only really starting to look at what I want from a career and life? I tried to reason with time before and that seems to be cornered. I suspect within 8 months if I don't propose, it's genuine ultimatum time.

Bruce 23 months ago

Thanks Veronica.

A good tell indeed. We spent a few weeks apart recently and when she came back I couldn't tell if I missed her or missed 'someone.' I love being with her and really thought when she came back that was a good sign. Maybe it's just the sign I wanted to believe

thanks for your quick response and having an ongoing forum like this.

Miserable  23 months ago

Hi Veronica

I have a situation which is kind of peculiar and thought you might have an opinion. I am 36 and my partner is 35. We have been together 2.5 years and living together almost all of that time. We bought a house together a year and a half ago.

He had a 7 yr long distance relationship which ended when he moved countries to move in with the girl. I had two previous marriages that ended in divorce (ouch!) one at 18 (due to pregnancy, which lasted 4 years) and one at 24 (because I couldn't stay in the country I was in without being married to my then-partner, but which lasted 12 years). We live in a third country to our countries of birth. I have two boys, who spend 4 days of the week with me and my partner, and the rest of the week with their dad. My first child from the first marriage ended up being adopted anyway so she is not with me but that is another story.

Anyhow, he told me when we met that marriage didn't interest him. But then, he started to talk about it like it did interest him - like about locations and where we would get married and who would come to the wedding etc, and even songs, and dresses etc. I brought it up recently and now he says that he told me when we met that he had no interest in marriage and that I should be content as we are.

He also refused to sign a co-habitation agreement when we moved in (common where I live in Europe) saying that it was expensive and unnecessary. When I called him up on it he said he would do it 'if I wanted to'.

What I can't come to terms with is my feelings about the situation. I never did really believe in marriage, despite doing it twice, but now I feel like he is the only one I've wanted to marry and he doesn't want to marry me. I knew the other two marriages were for reasons other than wanting to be together forever, but when I compare and think 'well, those guys married me anyway, and he won't even consider it at all' it makes me pissed off.

I think I am annoyed because I want him *to want* to marry me more than I actually want to get married. I want an extravagant gesture, because I have never had one, and I want to feel special. That all sounds completely stupid and irrational when I put it like that!

I am also annoyed because when he talks about me to others he calls me his 'wife' even though I am not and I asked him not to do it!

I feel like if he asked me now I'd be inclined to say no because I would question his motives.

His family and friends apply pressure too because some don't believe that it's a commitment if we are not married and they ask quite frequently when we are getting married. My own family is very far away and I have little contact except via telephone so they have no input.

We are not able to have children (I had my tubes tied), yet he tells me that if I had become pregnant he would have felt obliged to get married because it's 'not right' to have children without being married. He refers to co-habiting friends as 'still single'.

He says it is enough that we bought a house together, and that he has accepted that we cannot have children together and that he treats my children as his own.

We have a good life together, and are happy. He is good with my kids. I love him and he says he loves me, and I trust him. I am just unsure of whether or not he is waiting for someone better to come along and that person will be 'the one' for him and of course, whether my motives for marriage are because I want him to want me, or because I actually want to get married! My history should have put me off marriage, but it seems to have made wanting to get married for the right reasons even more important, which logically I can see as ridiculous.

Sorry, that was a bit rambling but please help!

Miserable

Ruby  23 months ago

I don't want to get married. My boyfriend does. Over the years, I lost FOUR boyfriends who wanted to get married and I didn't. I don't want to lose this one, too. So... I am going to marry him even though I hate it and I pray to God he will change his mind, or I will simply summon the guts to say this is the deal take it or leave it. I am not sure why men presume women want to get married. Or am I picking up the wrong guys?!

smallette 23 months ago

Hi,

I'm glad I have found this site...Basically , for the past two years I have been somewhat concerned about my situation. After spending 3 years in a relationship with my partner (who with an added twist also has a significant age gap with me, kids and has had a messy divorce with abuse etc) I am becoming increasingly insecure which is totally out of character for me. Basically from very early on , we got on really well and a year or so into the future he said he wanted to marry me. I was happy he saw a future with me and I see it with him. But now its two years down the line and he has re iterated (on his own accord) the same..but now he's changed his tune and says he wants to marry me but in his own good time (??). Also I feel there are a number of excuses that he is now using to defer the idea of getting married for example his kids and his ex wife. These problems existed from day one, and I have tried to help him and be understanding. HOw can someone say they want to marry someone but end up going back and forth? The situation is making me increasingly worried about his ability to have a stable relationship with him or maybe I am the one being paranoid and he is possibly just not ready yet. I don't know what's in his head, you probably don't neither but I now need someone to objectively tell me if I am in the wrong to question this ?

We both have solid careers, money is no issue for us and I am understanding , get on with his kids etc..I love him to bits, he makes me happy most of the time but this issue is something i need advice on given I want to settle down as well and build a future with this person.

Katherine Mitchell 23 months ago

Hi Veronica

This page is so appropriate to me. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years in November and we moved in together in October. It's going really well and we both love each other very much. He's nearly 31 and I'm 26.

I've always known that he is not bothered about marriage and children but I've never let it worry me because I always assumed that it would develop naturally.

We went to a wedding last week and it got me thinking and I said (rather drunkenly) that I was really looking forward to getting married one day. He smiled but did not really say anything. The next day he said that he did not know if he wanted to get married and he still doesn't think he wants to have children. I've felt crappy ever since and I do not know what to do. I know it is still early days in the relationship but I don't see why I should compromise so much when they are two things I have always been certain that I want. At the same time I do not want him to compromise because he also deserves to be happy.

I have made it clear to him that I do not want these things for a long time because I start uni again at the end of the year for two years and will obviously have a lot going on. I just wanted to talk about our future.

Should I cut my losses because this is making me feel insecure and that's really not my bag? I am sure that there must be other men out there who would be willing to make this committment to me.

Thanks

Katherine Mitchell 23 months ago

Hi Veronica

This page is so appropriate to me. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years in November and we moved in together in October. It's going really well and we both love each other very much. He's nearly 31 and I'm 26.

I've always known that he is not bothered about marriage and children but I've never let it worry me because I always assumed that it would develop naturally.

We went to a wedding last week and it got me thinking and I said (rather drunkenly) that I was really looking forward to getting married one day. He smiled but did not really say anything. The next day he said that he did not know if he wanted to get married and he still doesn't think he wants to have children. I've felt crappy ever since and I do not know what to do. I know it is still early days in the relationship but I don't see why I should compromise so much when they are two things I have always been certain that I want. At the same time I do not want him to compromise because he also deserves to be happy.

I have made it clear to him that I do not want these things for a long time because I start uni again at the end of the year for two years and will obviously have a lot going on. I just wanted to talk about our future.

Should I cut my losses because this is making me feel insecure and that's really not my bag? I am sure that there must be other men out there who would be willing to make this committment to me.

Thanks

Nebraska 23 months ago

OK, I have never posted on a blog before. I am having a simailar situation and it has begun to stress me out again. My wife of 7 years decided she was not happy being a wife and a mother and pretty up and left for awhile. Since then she has come back into my childs life (somewhat) as more of a buddy for my daughter instead of a mother. This is more off the topic but just a little background info. I dabbled in the women department a little but not much after around of yr of being divorced. I met someone after that and quickly became involved. The problem was she was an hr in a half away. Things progressed for a good while but there were some differences in personalities. To be quite honest, it was probably a bit me wanting to get out and be single awhile longer before comitting again. So I enjoyed single life again. I have been pretty happy with it being just me and my daughter to be honest. She has become my whole world. Well after awhile I did go out with someone else. She is divorced as well and has two kids with the father no where around. What started out as just a couple of dates rapidly evolved into more and more. It seemed like it was never enough. First it was "I want more than just a date every couple of weeks" and then it was an argument about the kids. I for one never involved my daughter with anyone I went out with. I do not want different women coming in and out of her life when she already craves for that motherly attention. She has little help with her kids so she had to involve them if we were to see each other more. I gave in and we did start seeing each other more. And the kids loved having new friends and it became more of a constant thing. Most weekends we would see each other and generally at least once during the week. Yet we still had issues. She had issues with my exwife. I have always bit my tongue around my exwife to maintain a decent relationship with her. I want her to be involved in her daughters life and I do not want us to fight and have the constant tension between us. Well after 3 years we honestly have a good working relationship. Nothing more than that though. The gf does not have to ever deal with her ex so has no idea of what all it entails. I honestly believe if me and my ex totally hated each other it would make her happier. Then there were differences in discipline. I was raised with 3 brothers and my parents had to be stern. I have that same mentality. I make my daughter mind and am big on respect (yes sir; no sir) and she is a great kid and knows her limits of what she can and cannot get away with. It is easy with her because we have grown together and she knows what crosses the line. I have only really had to spank her once. (she is 8) The gf kids (girl 7; boy 5) are different. They are great kids and she is an amazing mother! But they both do tend to do what they want. I have seen them kick and hit at her and ignore her countless times. They do not have any worries that she will react to them being disrespectful because she usually lets it go until she gets mad. That is just not consistent enough for a child to learn in my opinion. So that became another issue. I knew I would have a hard time watching them do that if we were married and I do not feel it is my place to jump in from the start and try to totally change how she handles things concerning them. Then there were trust issues. Most coming from her previous marriage. But I did lie to her once. I did not think it would work in the begining because all of the issues that were coming up. She was pushing too hard so I had told her there were still some feelings with my ex so we needed to stop. Now I know how stupid this sounds. I really had though it through though. I did not want her to feel rejected after all she had been through and I did not want her to wonder why but at the same time I wanted her to get over the hurt fast. And I have found anger at times can help that. Looking back I realize how stupid it was. Honesty is always the best route!! Anyways....I ended up telling her that I was just not ready for what she was pushing so hard for and I wanted to get out. The feelings about my ex were a way out and I was wrong. So...we trying to work through it again. For around 5 months things were good. But still it was a constant battle for her to just enjoy it, find out if the issues, aka the ex, rebuilding trust, etc could work and we could see where it lead. Every other week it would turn into a huge fight because she wanted to get married. Never failed. It was always a fight. Finally she told me either I was ready to get married by the end of the year or she needed to move on. So, I told her she needed to move on. I told her I loved her and wanted things to work. I felt we still had some issues (she would constantly have to check my phone and email to reassure herself) and I also was in process of switching jobs and moving a little farther away. I told her how unhappy I had become because it was no longer a relationship and enjoying being together, it was just a battle with her wanting to rush to the alter and my wanting to slow things down. I ended all contact. I felt it was for the best. For 6 months she stayed on me. Email, text, phone calls.... I did end up talking to her after awhile. And after 6 months I agreed to meet her for dinner. I have moved finally. Gotten into the flow of new job. Have more of a defined schedule with my daughter seeing her mother. I told her I was more in a position to seriously consider settling down. I made it clear that I still thought we had issues. Now her family hates me for walking away and hurting her. She is constantly getting an earful how stupid she is for going back into the situation. I realize they only hear one side. But I know how hard it must be to get that from all your family and friends. So....to sum it up I honestly think the world of this girl. The feelings I have for her have never been the problem. When we are together everything seems so right. Now we actually live a good hour away so the amount of time would be harder than before. But I have only seen her once and it is starting again. I wanted to try to see if things would be different with me finally more settled. She does not want to be hurt again. So 3 out of the last 5 night has been an argument. She does not want to do this if I am not 100% sure I want to be with her forever. I cannot give her a guarantee! Will the trust issues work out? With the blending familes be able to work? Can she deal with me having to deal with the ex? I do not know how to answer those questions without actually trying! I have told her I do love her and would want to try and be committed in making it work. But I cannot give her a guarantee that it will work. She swears I have committment issues and will never get married again Has too much happened? Are we both wanting two totally different things? Is it time to just honestly move on?

Nebraska 23 months ago

I guess I left out some info. I am 31 and she is 30. We had been dating a year and a half before we took the 6 months apart. She has been divorced for 5 years and I have for 3 years.

smallette 23 months ago

My guy is 47

armorris 23 months ago

Veronica,

I am 30 years old, and my boyfriend of 4 years is 36 years old. We have been living together for 2 years. First I moved into his house, but we made a decision together to let it foreclose (he bought it for a million, and it decreased in value to $500k...so it was pointless to pay such an expensive mortgage on a house thats worth half). My moms has 2 houses, one in AZ and one on a CA beach. She decided to live full time in CA so we moved into her house and we are renting to own. We didn't buy our own place because now with a foreclosure on his record, my boyfriend can't get approved for a while....and I didn't want to get us into a new home because we aren't married yet. So that's our living situation lol :)

When I was 21 my dad died unexpectedly of cancer. A month later a met a guy who was 7 years older, and we were married when I was 23. We divorced when I was 25 (no kids). I know now I married him because I was in love with the idea of marriage and didn't want to deal with my dad's death. I dated a lot for the next year, which led me to my current relationship. My boyfriend has never been married, but he has had a few long relationships.

The first year my boyfriend and I were together was pretty dramatic. I had a lot of unresolved issues, insecurities, and low self worth. He had an ex girlfriend who he couldn't let go of and he constantly lied to me about. The second year I worked through my issues and started a new career.....his ex girlfriend was finally out of the picture, and he launched a new company that required a lot of traveling. it was really stressful on our relationship because we didn't have a solid foundation to cope well with the distance, I didn't trust him because of all his lying about the ex girlfriend, and we fought a lot. The third year is when I moved in, he stopped traveling and we were finally on the path to starting our solid foundation and real life together. This is when our infatuation and lust for each other turned into to a best friendship and true love. This is when our relationship finally started :)

September 2009 we started talking a lot about marriage and kids. We started looking at destination wedding spots online, but after a couple weeks he said the wedding talk was moving to quickly and I needed to slow down. No wedding talk for a month. Then in November he started showing me engagement rings online and we went to see one and he bought it! It needed to be sized, so we left it there. He started talking about trying to get pregnant. I want to be married first, but I guess because of insecurity I went along with it and we tried for 2 months (didn't get pregnant). January 2010 we talked logically and he felt that we should wait to "try" again until that house situation was worked out and his new company starting generating an income. We also talked about marriage again, and he told me he want to be able to be the provider and generating an income before we get married. He said we will be married sometime in 2010.

So it's obviously July now. We are in our new house, his new company is still struggling (he had a large savings account from his previous job which he lives off of), i still haven't seen that engagement ring, and now he has started talking about getting pregnant again soon. I've expressed that I want to be married before we have a baby and he feels if we get pregnant we will get married before we tell anyone we're pregnant. I really want to be his wife, and I really want children. But now I'm finding myself going along with trying to get pregnant again because I want to get married. But I don't understand why we can't just get married now? Does it mean he doesn't really want to marry me? His parents had a really messy divorce when he was in 8th grade, and I know it really messed him up. It's also hard for him that I was already married once. He will call me his fiance to other people, but hello???....he hasn't proposed! He calls my mom "mom" and he refers to himself as her son-in-law when he speaks to her. I am very close to his family too. His mom calls me her daughter in law, and his sister calls me her sister in law!

I find myself a little embarrassed to my friends and family because I told them all about the ring 8 months ago, and he still hasn't proposed. I also don't understand why he can call me his future wife to his friends and family, he wants to try to get pregnant, but we won't actually marry me? I don't really bring it up, because the last thing I want is to pressure. I believe that if a man wants to marry a woman - he'll marry her. He told me in January that I am an impatient person, and he knows that if he proposes I will want to set the date and make it happen immediately and he can't handle that pressure. He wants the wedding planning to be fun for him and getting married to be happy and stress free. We don't talk about getting married now really at all, because he says then I start pressuring. So like I said, since January I don't bring it up.

We are so happy together! Aside from his company not generating an income for him (I know this is EXTREMELY stressful for him), our life is awesome together! I seriously had no idea that this kind of love even existed, and I laugh at myself for thinking I was in love the first time I got married. Our life is that of a happily in love married couple. I don't want to sabotage it, but I'm ready for us to get married!

I'm sorry this was so long, but I wanted you to know the details :) Please give me your advice....

oliviakate 23 months ago

Hello Victoria,

Your advice is super spot on, but I just had a quick question ... in some responses I see that you say a woman who chooses marriage over you is not worth your time, but in others you tell a woman to move on when a guy will not commit to marriage. Can you give me some insight as to when each of these apply? I am in a relationship with a man who loves me and I love him, but we differ on the marriage question. Been together 5 years, living together for 4, and I don't just want marriage, I want a marriage with him.

Thank you!

oliviakate 23 months ago

So sorry, I said Victoria instead of Veronica!! My fault!!

armorris 23 months ago

p.s. i should add that he tells me frequently that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and that i am THE ONE for him and how lucky he is to have found me. our life is completely intertwined together, everyone thinks of us as married already....except we aren't. he is absolutely an amazing man! people often tell me how lucky i am because he's thoughtful, loving, committed, hard working, smart, etc :)

i told myself i would be patient through 2010, because he DID tell me we'd be married this year. i try to not think about it, because we are very happy! but i do really want to be husband and wife! my best friend thinks he needs some kind of push to take the next step and get married, and he's possibly looking for me getting pregnant to give him that extra push. but i know getting pregnant is not the answer.

oliviakate 23 months ago

Thank you for your response, Veronica, that helped make sense of it. In my case, my guy and I are 32 and 33, respectively. We spent many years wanting to be together, and five years ago, we finally made it happen. He has wavered on the subject of marriage for the past few years, and I honestly feel that my love for him makes me naturally desire a deeper level of commitment, but I love and respect his values and wishes, too, and I refuse to force the issue. We are coming to a crossroads in our life together, and I feel it is time for me to tell him I really want this for us, but I love him and don't want him to change for me, so I don't know how we can stay together without one of us eventually resenting the other. I would much rather be alone and feel fondly towards him than stay with him to see my love or his love turn into hatred. I can honestly say that if I do not marry him, I will be happy on my own as a single woman. I have many friends and family who love me, and my life is full. That is my sign that my desire for marriage has everything to do with my feelings for him, not the piece of paper. Thank you again!

cleey 22 months ago

Hi I have been with my guy 7 years we have a child together,last year I moved out as we had a very bad patch,he now wants us to live together again and I said not without marriage,he said you never know one day I may surprise you.......

Truth be hes 43 Im 40 hes never been married he said he wanted to be married before children,nature happend I became pregnant we got engaged 6 years on and he still makes silly excuses. Its not always just to walk away from a very long relationship as they wont marry,he lost 2 other ladys as he wouldnt Marry.

Commitment phobic is alot different to someone who just doesnt want to Marry.

So we stay living apart and its hard on my own with 3 children but I was his live in housekeeper lover childcarer partner for 5 years so have done this how he wants it,when you adore someone its so hard to walk away but he keeps on saying move back in,I say no not without marriage.

I think one day he will just marry or we simply part ways. All I know is they dont know what they have until its gone

robertaharden 22 months ago

This hub truly reminded me of something I wrote on one of my recent blogs:

"I have recently learned that you should give your heart to someone only after you have made sure that his/her ethical standards, compatibility and opinions in matters of love are the same. That's where we all go wrong. We start a relationship with someone knowing many times that they don't share our point of view on love and we wait for them to change their minds, but the truth of the matter is that they never will, regrettably".

Check it out, if you wish:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Foreverlove

smallette 22 months ago

hi thanks for your reply. does it matter that his divorce happened 10 years ago? He's had other casual girl friends in the mean time as well and he seems to have moved on from his ex wife, its just that his problems seem to have lingered. He seems to know hes quite attractive and desired anyway and he was never shy to me in the beginning etc. I feel you are right that he probably doesn't want to get married and the need doesn't exist for him anymore. Yet, yesterday he said he wants to have kids before I'm 30. I have very many strong convictions, and he knows I stick to my guns and will never agree to that unless we are married. If this is more about it trying to take shape for him before he can commit, I will give it one more iteration and I will be out unless I see that the relationship progresses. thanks for your insight.

smallette 22 months ago

hi thanks for your reply. does it matter that his divorce happened 10 years ago? He's had other casual girl friends in the mean time as well and he seems to have moved on from his ex wife, its just that his problems seem to have lingered. He seems to know hes quite attractive and desired anyway and he was never shy to me in the beginning etc. I feel you are right that he probably doesn't want to get married and the need doesn't exist for him anymore. Yet, yesterday he said he wants to have kids before I'm 30. I have very many strong convictions, and he knows I stick to my guns and will never agree to that unless we are married. If this is more about it trying to take shape for him before he can commit, I will give it one more iteration and I will be out unless I see that the relationship progresses. thanks for your insight.

waiting 22 months ago

hi veronica i hope you can help me with my problem im veri confuse now if i should stay or i will give up the man i love..we been together for 3 yrs now im 28 and he is 44 i love him so much and i want a future with him..we living together for 2 to 3 months then i will comeback to my country so its a long distance relationship coz i cant stay long unless we get married...first part of relationship we always fight especially when im drunk but i finally realize all my fault in the past and i can say that i change alot and he know that too...last year we suppose to get married but thats jus because of me being pushy but i realize that its not right so i waited for him to propose to me until this year he say he will make the arrangement for us to get married but got issues financially and he say he scared of getting married...i understand that he dont have money but im not askin for a big wedding i jus want to be with him already i love him with all my heart..when i ask him about it now he gets upset coz he say i dont understand his situation now he say how he can support me if he no job and money now he told me to wait for him to settle things first and then we can talk about marriage..im willing to wait for him.. what bothers me is he scared of marriage...im scared im waiting for nothing..

Mark x 22 months ago

Hi Veronica,

Your thread is very impressive!

So I've been asked tonight over skype to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years in Paris where we will meet in one month, is it just for the thrill of being proposed to in Paris or is it the that one of her friends is recently married and another engaged? Or could it be she thinks it is the perfect time in out relationship, that is at present over the internet although we have lived together for the majority in Australia and Brazil.

If I were to propose to anybody I want to make sure their the right one and only do it once. I believe she is as I've never met anyone so sweet, so beautiful and that makes my world such a wonderful place when she's in it. I also believe that 25 which we both are is a young age and I feel as though it may be too soon to move to the next step!?

Mark

brijen2005 22 months ago

Hello Veronica,

I think you are the brains of all brains and would like your opinion. My boyfriend (31) and I (28) have been together for 7 years this October. We have two beautiful daughters, and I have another daughter from a previous relationship. A little over a year ago I brought up the marriage talk with him over dinner and got sarcastic jokes in return... a laugh while saying "we aren't ready" and so forth. I played it off but deep down was a little bothered by it all. Then my brother in law got stationed in Germany with the Army and we were talking about having a vacation there the following year to visit. I thought since we would be overseas it would be neat to visit Paris and possibly have a wedding ceremony there. Before really researching it and finding it out of reach I asked him about it and he said that would be really neat. I looked into that a little far and took it as if he wanted to get married I guess. I then asked him to marry me in late August as to which he said yes. Our plans were then to marry on our 7 year anniversary (this year). December came around and he was acting all weird about wedding plans and reserving a hall for the rehearsal. Please keep in mind that prior to all this wedding talk, we had discussed what type of wedding to have. I was perfectly ok with a court house wedding as I had already been married before with the white gown and everything but he said he wanted a real wedding. He said it meant just as much to a guy as it does a girl. Giving this comment, I wanted to give him what he wanted (at my expense- we don't share money). I wanted it to be special for him. Anyhow, back on subject in early December he started crying telling me he didn't know what he wanted. He asked to not get into this until after the holidays because of the kids. Instantly heart broken I didn't know what to do or say. I told him the wedding was off as we needed to work out our issues and if it was the stress of marriage that was bothering him, the easy fix was to call it off. So now, I can't help but to constantly feel like I'm an inch tall. What did I do wrong? Am I not good enough? To me... he is telling me I'm good enough to be a part of his life, but not his wife. His Dad cheated on his Mom after 20years, got with the mistress then cheated on her with his now wife. My parents have both been divorced twice and I have been divorced. I think that bothers him. I can't change the surroundings or the past but only assure him of the future. We both have steady jobs/income, make a decent living, are raising 3 wonderful kids. I have that security bone inside me that wants to be complete. Before I brought up the marriage talk last year, we got along GREAT! Now I just feel hurt and uncertain. Honest opinion, what do you think? i love him... I know he loves me, is it possible that even though he knows how much I want to be a complete family it's just not there for him. He's an amazing Daddy... the best actually. And he's really good to me. This marriage issue is building a wall between us though.

MacBangla 22 months ago

Dear Veronica, I am a Bangladeshi guy living in Rome and am dating a Ukrainian girl for last 20 months. I've known this girl for almost 2.5 years. We worked together and she was dating someone else for 2 years before me (her 5th relationship). She broke up because her previous boyfriend was not treating her well. She had to leave Rome for Ukraine because of her job contract and can't come back to Rome for 5 more months. I am also not an Italian citizen. She loves Rome and wants to live here. I have a good career and so does she in Ukraine. She infact makes more money than I do. I am 29 and she is 30. I love her a lot. We started dating after she had to move to Ukraine and visited me for two weeks as she had some meetings in Rome. During the last 20 months (our long-distance relationship) we've visited each other many times and travelled around the world. She's been hinting (read putting pressure) at marriage since almost first few months together. She cheated on me with two guys a year back but I took her back after she admitted herself and showed a lot of remorse and apologized with promise not to repeat it. I don't think that she repeated it since then. Her family likes me a lot and my family thinks that she is a nice girl. I love her. 4 months back during our trip to Singapore (after getting ultimatum from her) i gave her a ring with sincere intentions (though with some doubts). I had earlier told her that I want to be with her but we should wait till her job contract is over (which is after 5 months from now). She has been nice and loving to me but her attitude towards money (she wants to me to spend even for her air tickets) is unpleasant and the fact that she cheated on me scares me a lot. I love her a lot but we also have cultural issues and we never lived together. Now she is (within months of me giving her a ring) is forcing me to fix a date for marriage. I am not sure what to do. She is scared that she is getting old and may not be able to have kids. I have a few family and career issues to resolve and have a really important milestone in my career coming up in 2 years. I want to marry her (and not lose her) but need atleast 2 - 2.5 years more. Am i being unreasonable? Is she right in saying that it is tough for girls to have kids after 32-33? What should I do? Please advise. Its important for me. Thanks!!

MacBangla 22 months ago

Thanks Veronica. The problem here is that I love her and want to be with her. I guess she loves me too (despite the fact that she cheated on me which was the worst thing someone ever did to me and that crushed me from inside). I've been really nice to her and have taken care of her as a partner. I've almost planned my life around her. She blames me for not loving her because I am not fixing a date to get married despite the fact that I've proposed with all true intentions (there are still some serious doubts though) and a beautiful ring. Even when we were in Singapore (where I proposed to her) she picked up a fight and cornered me many times on the issue of when I am going to propose to her. I halted till the end despite the fact that I was carrying a ring in my pocket. I felt pushed and wanted to make it a surprise. Now just 3 months or so in the proposal she has started cursing me for being slow and selfish in not planning a marriage already. i want a life with her but I want to give my kids a good life too. I am working 15-16 hours a day so that I can have a stable financial situation and I am just 2 years away from being permanent partner. She also wants a five-star jet-set life style and I am working for that. I just can't stop cursing myself for hurting her. Not sure how to make her understand that. Long-distance makes it even worst. The problem is I can't afford to lose her too. And if she breaks up with me (which she most likely will once I tell her the at least a year wait) I will be hurt and no less because I will have a huge guilt feeling for wasting almost 2 years of her life when she could have had kids. Any suggestions will be most welcome.

MacBangla 22 months ago

Veronica, your response didn't post properly...

MacBangla 22 months ago

Oh...!! That makes sense. I thought you were replying to my second post. Any more thoughts on my situation?

tooindependent? 22 months ago

Your advice is brilliant. If you have any insight on my situation, I would love it.

I am 31, recently split from my bf, 32, after more than 3 years together. The first 2 years we lived in the same city while he was in residency and I worked on my career. We began talking about getting married after we had been dating a year. Around this time, he also had the choice of 1-year fellowship programs- one in the same city and one half way across the country. The one far away was more promising and he liked it more so I encouraged him to take it despite the distance, and he finally did. We figured we could work it out, even though a long distance relationship would be difficult, it would be worth it. We made plans to visit often and move the relationship forward toward an engagement when his fellowship was over.

During that year, we had fewer chances to visit than we would have liked- weekends that one or both of us could get away were rare. I was going through some stressful situations (not related to him) and his 14-hour days were stressful for him- but we talked daily, and supported each other, and got to know each other in deeper ways. He visited my family for Christmas (they live far away from me, but they had met before). He is Indian (I'm not), and little by little his family warmed to the idea of their son not marrying an Indian girl (I estimated that they would never be thrilled, but knew it wasn't personal, and that because he was wonderful, I would do what I could to make it impossible for them to not like me. I am also very knowledgeable of and involved in the culture and was before I started dating bf, this helped.) Talks about our future life together, babies, family etc. continued.

Several key opportunities came and went for a proposal- I trusted he would be planning something for when the moment was right. He would be returning from fellowship in June and then heading out to another city for a faculty position (the job was chosen based with consideration to us being together, it being located in a city where there were many schools available for me to also pursue my professional degree). The plan was that we would get engaged, and I would go out there with him, live separately, but be engaged for a year (we did not want to live together before marriage- both personally and considering our parents' reactions as well) and get married next summer. The hitch- there was no way I was going to uproot my life and move across the country with out a guarantee that we was serious about a life together. A verbal promise wasn't going to cut it for me- as you say, I needed to see action, of some sort.

April rolled around, and while I hadn't set a deadline in my head or to him, I realized the deadline with my comfort zone had already passed. I was very uncomfortable with the looming move and not having something concrete to plan for. I adore him to the ends of the earth, but I still have my life and I need a certain amount of time to get my own ducks in a row. I didn't know what to tell my job (I wasn't going to quit for nothing), I needed to apply to schools, give my roommate notice to find another roommate . . . I didn't have an all-systems-go, and I was edgy because of it. I felt that we had to move forward NOW so I could sort things out. No way did I want to put any pressure on him to do so- I don't want a proposal or marriage motivated by pressure, either. I HAD already given him 2 years of talking about it though! We got in a fight and I took a break, we agreed to reconvene in a few weeks, after some thought.

We talked at the end of the break and he said that it had been losing his best friend, he definitely wanted to move forward, That YES we were doing this. He said, "why didn't you say something sooner?!". I hadn't bc we talked about it so much with hope and joy that I couldn't imagine how doing something about it could be far from his mind. I asked what he thought moving forward would look like and he said a proposal by the end of the summer. He planned a couple trips for us to take together and said that as soon as he found his place for the year, we would start looking for mine. While I was happy to be with him again, truth be told, and everything was just promises- I'm no spring chicken! This still was cutting it short- a move several states away takes some time to plan. At least for me. It would have been less to plan if we decided to live together, but again, we weren't going to do that. I would have to find a place find a replacement at my job, find a new job, purge a bunch of stuff, apply to new schools-- I wasn't going to do this without the green light-Not comfortable!

In the meantime, we continued to talk about marriage- we did Q's in a book- 1000 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married. He wanted to talk deeper about different potential marriage issues so we could navigate them better when we actually got married. This was his idea-We had talked about our future life together so much that I finally said I wouldn't talk about it anymore until I had assurance that it was going to happen. I didn't want to discuss our future life together and put myself in that mindset and invest myself further if we weren't going to do it. He said he wouldn't ask me to if he wasn't serious. All along, though he has said he wants to get married and have kids, this is also what I wanted. I dated A LOT in my 20's and was ready and knew I wanted to be with him. He's my best bud, the man I respect, the other member of my team!

Perhaps this should have been enough for me, but it wasn't. I have never been in the position to just go by what someone says- I am used to planning my own life. True, I could have stayed here for the year we were engaged, but I didn't want to do a long-distance relationship anymore. It seemed like to moment was upon us- shit or get off the pot- move forward together or go our separate ways-and we both freaked out. Lots of promises, no action. I am not sure if this was the trained puppy thing you were talking about in a much earlier post. I took it as he didn't want to be with me or didn't know he wanted to be with me, which is the same thing, in my mind. I told him he hadn't even been saving for a ring and he responded, "Ok how much do I have saved up, how could you possibly know?" His parents were asking him when he was going to propose, my friends and family were like, "if he hasn't done it yet, it's never going to happen", which a (not insignificant)part of me believed, although I was trying to trust him (and generally he is the most upstanding guy, I was just having trouble). When he finally got back in town for a month, I could tell he felt that every time we hung out I was expecting the proposal (I wasn't, I was just glad to have him back in the same town so we could attend to the fun part of our relationship and go on dates, instead of just talking on the phone). Pressure, Pressure, Pressure. Neither of us happy because of it. Bickering and tears ensued. One fight, he began to criticize me, this was not like him (or us) at all- that I needed to "engage his friends more" and talk about the news with him more". After putting up with his resident schedule, going out of my way for his parents, and then putting up with this nonsense, I reminded him how I accepted him the way he was and didn't criticise him. I told him I could try to do better on these issues, but mostly, I'm just going to be myself, and that's how I want to be accepted too. Such trite things, but I think he was trying to rationalize why we was freaking out. He also said he was finally going to be making money and we wanted to be able to enjoy that. I had always told him the money he makes is is- he has worked so hard and earned every penny! Plus I will be making some bank of my own soon enough! Not sure what that meant, other than he doesn't have $ that he wants to spend on a ring and wedding right now?! This was very unlike him. I just backed away and said, I'm not going to go there. He called back right away and apologized.

The next week we broke up over the phone- we were supposed

Denise 22 months ago

Hi Veronica,

this HUB is very impressive and the fact that you're still helping people afer 3 years is simply amazing. I hope you'll have some advice for me as well.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, living together for 2.5. He comes from a very conservative background and has strict views on marriage and family. For example, he didn't want to move in with me at first, because he only wanted to live with the woman he was going to marry one day. So when he changed his mind and agreed to move into a new apartment with me, I was thrilled, of course.

But now it's been 3 years. We have a joined savings account to save up money for a house, all our insurance policies are in both our names. He keeps saying things like "when we have kids, we'll raise them this way". But he just won't propose.

I asked him about it as lightly as I could and all he said was "I'm not ready for that yet, I like our life the way it is." Well, I like it, too, but I want to take that next step, because there's more - children. We both want kids and are usually talking about 3 of them (he actually wants as many as possible, but I'm drawing the line at 3). Of course, he doesn't want children before we're married. But I'm 27 now and he's 30 and frankly, I don't want to be an 'old' mother. We both have well-paying, secure jobs, his family likes me a lot and mine simply adores him and I'm really not sure what he's waiting for.

I can see how much he enjoys hanging out with his friends and spending time with his playstation and that he's mostly not done being a boy.

But I'm worried by now. We live together and I cook, do the chores, sleep with him - in short, he has no reason to change anything. But I want to get married and start a family. I suppose what I'm really worried about, since I know for sure that he does want those things, too, is that he doesn't want them with me.

I'm confused and very tired of waiting. He knows how I feel and if I had the impression that he was somehow trying to muster up the courage to propose or he was at least thinking about it, I'd be able to be more patient. But I'm afraid I'm waisting my time here. It feels like I'll be waiting forever and then after I'm fed up and leave him, he'll go and get married to some other woman after three months.

He keeps telling me that I think too much, and that I should enjoy our life the way it is. He keeps brushing me off and it makes me so sad. A while ago, he got me a cat, because all of our friends were having babies and I was sad and jealous. He said a cat would be good 'practice' while I waited for kids of my own.

Do you think I'm over-reacting and he'll want to get married (to me) one day or is it a lost cause?

Any advice would be welcome. Thank you,

Denise

tooindependent? 22 months ago

I got cut off . . . sorry, didn't realize the tome I had written.

So we broke up over the phone- we were supposed to go to my friends BBQ and he freaked out. He said my friends hated him, with good reason, because he was a bad bf. Not sure where that came from, it wasn't true. He said he could go but he would just be freaking out next week, it would be the same thing. The convo went something like this:

Him: God, what am I doing?! I feel like I've poisoned our relationship!

me: Why don't we just take the whole issue off the table. Its obvious the pressure is destroying the relationship.

Him: I feel like I've ruined your life. . .

me: Don't give yourself too much credit. I was fine before we met, I will be fine . . .

him: I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, etc.

me: Yeah, that does nothing for me. Go, Live your life in ____ City.

Since then, (a few weeks) we haven't talked. I don't think he would dare call or get in contact with me. When we were on our break, I said if we broke up, I was not interested in being friends- how would that work? No. I want a life with this man, but I feel the circumstances and timing (and my supporting his goals, in a way) screwed everything up. It seems there should have been a way to make it work, I'm just not sure what it was. I could not respect my self if I moved out there "for him", without a proposal, instead of "for us" with a solid future plan. With this respect, my immediate reaction was relief- that I at least had my answer- it wasn't going to happen, and I didn't have to stress about trying to change my life around given about 45 days notice. I am angry with how he treated me at the end- the trite requests. I am also sad, we had a great partnership, and were such good friends, we really weathered some storms and were there for each other. I have had several long term relationships, with great guys, (however, this was his first relationship longer than 2-3 months), but really there is no one like him. Things were very right for a long time. We actually laid out the time frame for wedding and children, considering our careers and age and what we wanted, and we were on the same track. I wonder that we waited too long and the timing was now just wrong because it was talked about but wasn't set up that we would be together. Not that either of us had much time to be setting things up, we were both swamped with career and school (in case this hasn't come through, we are both in medicine, although at different places in the process). He agreed that he wouldn't expect me to go out there with out a ring, but also that once we got engaged that we were as good as married, that is how seriously he looked at it. I wonder what I could have done, or should do differently. That is, what I can take responsibility for, at least. I wish I had read some of your posts earlier- my panic definitely fed into the flames of overall panic that the relationship went down in. Whatever your take is on things, I would be glad to hear.

Denise 22 months ago

Hi Veronica,

with all due respect, that was way harsh. I understand what you're saying and I see where my post could give you the impression that I didn't care much about what he was thinking, but you were way out of line, basically telling me that he would be better off without a selfish bitch like me.

I adore this man and do everything to make him happy. He loves car races - so we watch several every Sunday. He's wants me to be more religious - so I go to church every week and prepare to get baptized. His mother tongue is not the same as mine - so I take classes to learn his language, because he wants me to be able to talk to his family more easily. I'm vegetarian, he loves meat - so I make food he likes and just eat the vegetables while he gets his beef.

I don't mean to start any "I did this so you have to do this" arguments. But what you said is really wrong on so many levels.

Our relationship is actually a happy one. I'm simply insecure. I think that he'll meet a girl that's more religious, from his community, prettier, smarter, etc. And because I know that marriage is very sacred to him, he would never consider divorce or cheating and I would naturally feel safer if I was his wife.

But anyway. I've read several of your Hubs and you're always very insightful. I guess you're right and I'm just being selfish and bully him into doing something he obviously doesn't want. He probably will be better off without me. Thank you for your insight and fast reply.

Denise

Denise 22 months ago

Veronica,

You do scare me a little. My previous boyfriend was studying to be a therapist and I don't know how many text books I read with him over the years. So I usually don't accept advice easily because I tend to... dismantle everything, as you put it so rightly. You out-smarted me here. I guess I really needed someone to smack me in the head with it.

You know, I was sitting here crying after I read your first reply and my bf came in, saw me and said, "Who do I need to beat up for making you cry?". He IS absolutely adorable and you're right - I need to relax and just enjoy being with him again.

So I'll order us some pizza now, let him pick a movie and we'll just have some fun.

Thank you, Veronica. For smacking me in the head.

Denise

allen 22 months ago

Hey veronica

i am so confused my gf has all this plans for us getting married and insist we do it right now . my proble is im not sure if she loves me i really doubt it . because she is very stubborn towards me very demanding all my freinds and family hate her shes very overprotective tries to keep me to her self . her last relationship got involved into hours she always said she would never talk to two guys at once but after a year she admitted she called her x after six months of our relationship and found his number disconnected and admited she spoke to him first month of our relationship bcuz i paid her no mind and im sure it was longer but still dont get it y would she call him after six months. she lies and dosent feel guilty feels like she is doing the right thing. her x was dating her two years she loved him but he left her for 5 month twice bak to his country with no warnings once when she was pregnent and later found out he was married with a kid... and ihave heard words like i really loved him and u do nuthin for me and etc. once she told me that if she wont get happily married shell just do it to do it and do her thing on the side all this makes me insecure i cant belive this is happening when i never wanted her she chased me and till this day she say im the first she chased.... what do i do how do i no she loves me?????????? she used to tell me she hates me going out because shes jelous but now i no she did it because she hated my freind and wanted to seperate us and succeded and got to a point where she became ignorant now alot better because i was so close to leave we fight every day till now because i dont trust her and remind her every day of what she did and not one person ever told me shes the one... whats next vicky pllzz help

Courtney 22 months ago

Veronica-

This hub has been a very interesting read! I rarely ask for advice on things like this but am compelled to do so based on the amazing advice you have given others.

My bf and I have been together for three years (I'm almost 27 he is 24). He was in the military when we first met and spent 9 months of our relationship in Iraq. He is now out of the military (amen) and we live together. We own our home together, have a joint account for bills, and basically live as husband and wife.

I am ready to get married and start a family but he is still hesitant. He says he is only 24 and probably won't be ready to get married for a couple more years. I have always said I don't want to have kids past 30 because of the risk factor of giving birth at an older age and this worries me. I will be 28-29 by the time he thinks he will be ready but who's to say he will be. His response is we don't have to be married to have kids, which is technically true but I really believe if you are willing to have kids with someone you need to be fulling committed to the relationship.

I agree he has some growing up to do. Period. But two years seems excessive when we have been together for three already. I told him that if I didn't feel like our relationship was going anywhere I would be able to walk away because getting married and having a family is important to me and his response was, be patient.

I should probably add that we have been to 10 weddings this year and have 5 more to go before October. He thinks I have wedding fever and want to get married because it is what everyone is doing. I think the weddings made me see where I want my relationship to go but isn't what is making me want to get married.

Your thoughts?

liz 22 months ago

glad i looked this up. i better wait. but we have a son:(

liz 22 months ago

glad i looked this up. i better wait. but we have a son:(

tooindependent? 22 months ago

Any feedback for me? I would love your take on things.

too 22 months ago

Thank you!

kjd 22 months ago

All I'm looking for is a girlfriend that does not want to get married and does not want kids! Why is that so hard to find in NJ? Really theres sooooo many females here and yet not ONE want the same as I do?

Sarah 22 months ago

Dear Veronica,

I really hope you can help me, I have been with my fiance for 4.5 years and we've had our share of ups and downs, I'm 36 and his 37, we have broken up on several occasions due to him not showing me the respect i need, and i have also caught him cheating when he went overseas, I know the relationship sounds like a disaster but i still love him and want to make this work. He proposed 15 months ago after leaving him because he was taking his time to propose, discussing the wedding date with him since has been difficult, he always avoids the topic, however his interest has always been to buy a house together and so we did in May this year, we have been living together in my apartment properly since the purchase and will be moving in there next April, he always has his parents house to run to in situations when we argue about the wedding day. He says he doesn't believe in marriage and people get divorced all the time if they're not happy so he wants us to remain engaged forever, the other issue is he doesn't want kids, i want at least one, I am turning 37 next month so the time is now to start talking about it. He said he might want one later but not now. Maybe when we move into our house he says, but that would be taking a risk. His family own a beautiful beach house in Europe and he has other plans for us like living there or living there 6 months and here for 6 months. I think life would be boring when we're older without children. So where we are right now is fighting about the marriage again, I have taken his keys away from him and packed his stuff. Our conversation was that we will get married in March move into the house in April and go overseas on our honeymoon in June. However he panics every time i mention the priest and refuses to go to an appointment to meet with the priest. He keeps telling me he just wants to show up on the day to appease me, his parents, my family and friends, but wants nothing to do with planning any of it or going to any appointments. After the weekend to think over things he came over and we had the exact same fight, I thought he would be a little different about the situation but he is still the same. He even said i'm acting all crazy about it and he can't take it anymore, but refuses to take his stuff and ran back home. He then called me to say goodnight to keep the peace. What do i do?

Kitty 22 months ago

Hello

Im 22 years old, and yesterday I broke up with my 40 yr old boyfriend. We had been together for aprox 3 years and lived together for almost the entire time. At the begning we argued a lot but we always agree to disagree or I would just give in to what he said so he wouldnt stay upset. We could talk about everything except feelings, when it comes to that he says that feelings and sensitivity are for drama queens and he doesnt want to deal with it. I am very outgoing and like to talk, i am a sales rep, he is an IT consultant so he is nerdy and shy. I havent been with anyone before him, so he is my first love, he was married once and had a terrible divorce and he has a 15 yr old daughter that lives with her mother. When we became friends I felt really close to him more than any one I had ever met and I felt like he was lonely and sad, so I wanted to love him and make him feel like the most special man in the world. The problem is that I was wrong. He likes working and spending time on his computer more than anything else so we rarely go out. In 3 yrs I havent done anything that i wanted to do, instead Ive been home taking care of him, working, and watching tv. Lets just say he doesnt know how to balance work with life. I am very affectionate and romantic and he is not. One day I told him I wanted to get married and he said "yeah maybe in 3 or 5 years when we get to know each other better". and I understood that for him it was going to take longer to feel confortable with marriage because of his previous experience, so I decided to let time pass by and try to show him that I love him the way he was and stay home and not complain, because all I wanted was to be with him. Earlier this year I decided it was time to by a house, because of the economy and stuff so I explained my plan to him and he was all for it. we started saving money together and learning about the process, we were both really excited about this, we finally got an offer accepted and we were waiting on the bank approval, during those days I felt like I had to bring the marriage topic up again and see were he stood now, but he said that he wasnt married and he didnt know if he would ever be. This really upset me because I feel like Ive giving him all I have and we are buying a home together and he still doesnt want to get married, and it makes me think that he is too confortable because he is getting everything he wants without getting married but all i want is to get married and I am not getting that. So I told him that I wasnt asking to get married right then and there, all I want to know as that he wants to marry me too, even if it took another 2 years but if he couldnt do that then I couldnt move forward with the house and we shouldnt be together anymore since we dont see eye to eye. All he said is that If I was willing to loose love for a stupid paper that that was my problem and I had to figure out what I wanted to do. a few days later I ask him again if he had changed his mind and he said "lets talk about it after we buy the house and we settle down" which doesnt make sense to me. I feel like he is giving me the run around. Yesterday I just had enough and I exploted. I could handle it anymore and I told him that I was tired of doing everything his way, that I was bored out of my mind and that I want to get married and since he doesnt we should end this, and he said well you dont have to tell me, if your not happy you know what you have to do Im not going to stop you, so I got up and packed everything and took it to storage. Later that day he ask me if I was sure about what I was doing, that he didnt have a problem with me, that Im the one that has issues but I still left. I love him and I know he loves me too, but I thing he has to let his guard down. I just down want to force him to marry me and I think that seperating is best for both of us becuase I know i cant give up getting married and some other things. I dont know if im doing the right thing, what if we can still work things out? or is it pretty obvious that he wont change his mind?

fatima 22 months ago

Hi veronica

i need some advice.I don't have anyone to talk to this about. i'm 24 and his 23 now.I started dating this guy who i found out NEVER had a gf before. i was nervous being with him. I have experience with other guys dating -wise.WE were friends then become lovers. He always confident in me. But then he started fancying this 26 yr. old woman whose in a relationship When she got married, he become depressed and called it quits with me. I knew the back of my mind that i should let him go and date other women. He looks at other women all the time and talks to me about them. I let him because we talk about everything together. He told his older sister that we were in a open relationship. He has't dated anyone YET. and i have'nt dated anyone either. I don't plan to. i'm tired of it. He told me he wants me in his life and no matter what happens, we'll be together. Now his mother and sister had a discuss about our relationship. He asked if he can bring me over at his home( he lives at home,with his divorced mom) she said, "if you want"in a sarcastic tone. We have arrangements whenever i come over. so it was odd to hear that. he asked what that meant.she questioned him about our relationship saying that if he wanted to experience, he need to go out and date other ppl and not have me around all the time. she says that she can't see or think of us getting married ever and she told him about a story about a man who got married to the first woman he met and became melancholy and depressed. she says its a lesson he should learn from that. He said to her that his 23 and too young to be thinking about marriage and maybe he's one of the those guys who is never going to married. HE stormed off and told me this. I was EXTREMELY MAD!First off, its not his mother's business what our relationship is. I wanted to discuss marriage with him SLOWLY. I'm fully aware i should be talking things slowly with him. I know he needs to date and i laid down my heart and let him go. I'm hoping he will learn its not as glamorous and just about fun and games. Relationships with women aren't easy or predicable and that things have consequences. BUT his mother encourages him to stray from me. I feel like I'm competing for his attn all the time. with her around,she constantly follows us whatever we do. Due to the that fact that her ex-husband cheated on her, she has become so bitter and possessive of her kids.I'm trying to teach him and become a good role model for him but she totally sabotaged my goal with him. I wanted to marry him(long term goal) but not if his feet are restless. I understand what his going through. I don't want to pressure him to marry me because i can see it makes him nervous. BUT one random day he said he could'nt see us getting marry.but once we fought, i asked him if i meant anything to him, he said i was it and he knows. I assume him meant i was the GIRL he wanted to be with in the future. Deep down something tells me to bind my time and wait for him til his ready. I'm not fully ready to marry either tho. I'm focusing on my goal to be my own boss one day,,while he goes out and dates ppl.by the time I'm finished school (2yrs). i think i want to take him in again.

I'm not sure if I'm delusional for binding my time and waiting for him. It seems very unrealistic but i hate to rush him.He said he would sacrifice or do anything that please me ( marriage), but i told him that if it doesn't make BOTH of us happy i can't take that side of him to my advantage. i told him i want some space and that i'm never coming over at his mom's place ever again. I'm extremely gentle and i'm not afaird to let ppl go if they have no intention of being sincere around me. I feel depressed tho, because i don't know if i should tell him how i feel ( i didn't tell him i want to marry). He never asked me what i think about us so i always keep inside me and i always time everything. I fear if i tell him now,it may make him run and not be as close as we are. Also i fear him may actually agree with him mom and not even consider my as future partner.

HELP!!!

Sam 22 months ago

I would not say that guys do not want to get married. They fear the consequences of divorce and to be realistic, divorce laws in most states are in favor of the woman, from assets to child custody and emotionally, divorce is devastating.

That being said, I subscribe to my rule: "True love is the ability to walk out the door with no consequences, but choosing to happily stay."

I think some people remain in loveless marriages because of the consequences of divorce. Just my two cents.

Courtney 22 months ago

Veronica,

Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes a girl just needs a reality check!

Courtney

Katie 21 months ago

I really like your advice, Veronica, so perhaps you can provide some insight into my relationship "problem"

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. In February we got engaged. Three months later, of trying to get his opinion on photographers and food, he said he had enough and wanted to break up. He said that he didn't want a commitment right now in his life, and wanted to focus on himself. That was fine.

Recently we've gotten back together, and I've expected that we would return to the "engaged" status that we were and our plans would resume. He, however, said that he loved me, and wants to marry me "someday" but wants to live together first before we do. No engagement, just boyfriend and girlfriend.

The problem is, I don't want to live together before marriage, but I dont want to lose him either.

We met in university, and are graduating this year. If we don't get married or move in together or something, I dont think our relationship can survive seeing each other once a year. I've been brought up in a Christian home, and it is against all that I know and believe to live together before marriage.

It also fustrates me that he is still a momma's boy and that his mother despises me. She doesn't like that i'm the one cooking his dinner, doing his laundry etc.

He was homeschooled his whole life ( until college) and I believe he has issues because he has never seen a happy married couple.

His father met his mother at a young age, and they got engaged, had my boyfriend, and then his father left because he didnt want to have any responsibility. His father came back twice, and they had two more children. However, his father never married his mother, and appears to have commitment issues. He's also quite a ladies man who has "womanizing" tendencies.

I understand that my boyfriend has commitment and trust issues. However, he has been promising me marriage for a long time now, but goes off the deep end every time I bring it up. He told me that he simply does not believe in the institution of marriage.

I feel like he is taking advantage of me. It's fine that I can feed him, clothe him, write his papers and have sex with him....but he can't even marry me?

What do you think?

MARIASH 21 months ago

Dear Veronica,

I am 30 years old and have been in a great relationship for 9 months with a 30 y.old guy. I am living out of my country, and have a good life here- stable job, rent a great apprtement, friends, etc. His life is also very much settled. We are in love and I dream of our future together. Our relationship histories are quite different though.I have been married once when I was younger, but this does not prevent me from desiring marriage again. he has never had a serious long relationship ( except for a long distance one) but is very much comitted and mature.

My boyfriend told me he wants to have chidren, and can even imagine them with me but when I mentioned marriage he said he is not sure he wants to get married. ( by the way, What is this new fashion of kids before marriage? as if havign a child is less of a commitment than gettign married!!) Actually he would rather consider marriage later, when our children are older. I told him i was against that idea. he also feels the marriage question is too complicated ( he is nether for, nor against) and he has fears of being divorced. I told him clearly why marriage was important to me, and that I would not plan to have a child with him without being married. I also told him that if he beleives that he will never want to marry, then he should tell me. I wanted to make sure that he sees that each oen of us has our choises, but that I would stick to mine.It was a really normal dicussion-no drama. We kind of left it hanging there, without any obvious conclusion.

Now I am wondering when this conversation should be revisited- if ever. I need to know how much time would be reasonable to wait for him to propose- now that all our cards are out on the table.yes, I am 30 y.old, and of course there is society pressure, but more than anythign I feel I am ready to take this step and I know he will be a great husband and father. we have been " playing house" for soem time now and I dont know how long I can keep giving myself to him and pretending to be married to him ( I catch myself daydreaming A LOT. i am recently thinkign that moving things slightly but surely into the were only datign stage would beenfit us both. I eman- stop sleeping over at his house on the weekends, cookign for him etc. I know it sounds liek punishement but it isnt- I just need to take hold of my life and not get lost in a dream.

He says that has never had such a good relationship as with me ( his words), but he has also never been involved with a divorced woman, nor actually lived with a woman.

What would you do? How long to wait? I feel I really want to start my life with him and not be anxious anymore. I woudl appreciate some advice,

thank you

confident11 21 months ago

Veronica - I feel that after reading your hub you would be a great source to give honest advice. Here is my background I am 25 graduated from college at 20 and have been in my career for multiple years now my boyfriend is 24 graduated a year and half ago having a great job for a year now. We have been together for almost 4 years and have owned a home for 2 of those 4 years. We also lived together a year in an apartment before purchasing the home. I knew him as a friend many years before we started dating. So to get to the point for the past year we have talked back and forth about marriage he told me he wants to marry me but is not ready to. He says he feels pressured yet sometimes he makes comments about where we should get married. I finally asked him what he really wanted to do after hearing him go back and forth by bringing things up at random, his answer has consistently been I know I want to marry you but I'm just not ready and if I was in your shoes I would wait till you were. I'm the type of person that believes that if you have to give an ultimatum then really the relationship is already over why would you marry someone you forced into getting married. We have a great relationship but this seems to be the cloud that hangs over my head making me feel like it’s never going to happen. I really just don’t know what to do and for the first time in years I feel lost so any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Sue 21 months ago

Not that I disagree with jon ewall, but typing in all caps is yelling and not appreciated, asinine is spelled with one "s", and any advice that suggests all you people don't need to be listened to, just told what to do and it's all the same, somehow falls out badly.

And even though I agree with what jon said, basically, it doesn't seem like he read the article. There's no articulation or thought, just a bark in all caps of his advice to everyone, not anything specific, including the guy's side.

Lala_Lisa 21 months ago

Veronica I see why people write to you for advice. Even when you have a "broad stroke" piece of information as you call it, you still listen to the nuances of different people. You said in one hub that the circumstances can be drastically different. Like on this topic. Maybe what the woman needs to hear is how to stop being so focused on a wedding and how to focus on building a partnership that could lead to an actual marriage. Or how she may be too young and demonstrating that. Or how maybe it really is time to move on. Veronica I see why people write to you for advice and why you have such a popular hubpage because you don't yell in all caps one command of advice that can't possibly fit every single situation or person looking for help. I will keep reading your hubs. They are sound and helpful and you really listen and think. Thank you.

Heartbroken 21 months ago

hello.

My fiance and i just broke up afte 6 years. We dated for 5 years and we got engaged year a go. he was married before and had a nasty divorce. he also has a daughter who is 12 years old and she decided to move in with us last year and live with us. her mom was not really stable and still in partying so my fiance's daughter decided to live with us. i am 33 years old and he is 37, i must say we had a lot in common and we were really happy togather ( or i thought we were). i really wanted to get married and have a child and he never said he does not want to get married or have kids, and that is why i tried to be patient and give him time because i loved him so much. i tried to do everything right, i was trying to be like a mom for his daughter and a fun fiance for him but after 6 years he broke up with me. we never had any date set for wedding becuase he wanted to be ready to do that and i tried to be understanding and dont push him. recently he decided to go on a vacation for 2 weeks and when he came back, he broke the news to me that he thought about us and he really does not want to get married and have kids at all. i am very heartbroken, after all i did and after 6 years he is just breaking this new to me. it is just not fair. i did move out the same night and i have not talked to him since then. but i am scared, i am mad and i am heartbroken. he was really broken from his divorce when we started dating and i tried to make him happy and be the one he always wanted to have. I wanted him to be able to love again, but now i am broken myself. i feel he cheated me with not beinh honest with me for 6 years. i am very confused about future and how i will trust people after this. Sorry if this is long but i need help. I am a very positive person and i hate to be so sad and down.Thank you so much

Raoe 21 months ago

Hi Veronica, i have gone through this page!, your writing and answering skills. Should be appreciated! :)

Well. I want a small suggestion or words which would convince me and my partner, i hope so.

Am 20 and my girl is 19, it's been 2 years we are in good relation. I really want to get marry her, but our both family matters. We both don't want to disappoint our parents since they have done so much to us.

Till this date our both parents don’t know about our relationship. However once everything has to put on their eyes. But really don’t know how they would react. I wish I get a job by two years and settle my own, so that I can face her dad. And bring this up to priority.

We really don't know what we're doing is wrong or not. But our love is true.

We want help..plz

With lots of hope.

Kstar 21 months ago

Hi Veronica.

Amazing site. Ive looked through 70% of your posting but havent seen a situation quite like mine so i figured id spell it out and see if you can help me. Me and my girlfriend are both 21, we have been dating for a year and she is very pushy about getting married and having more kids. (she had a kid with her previous boyfriend) We were always good friends and our friendship became more serious after she returned home from college.

She says that she needs to have another kid before her child gets too old (she is 2 now). I am not ready for marriage, let alone more kids. I mention this and she calls me immature and afraid of commitment. I mention that it took a lot of maturity and commitment to even begin a relationship with a girl who has a child and she looks as if she might punch me.

My brain tells me to move on but my heart says wait it out. Im less then happy on most days now though as we have multiple fights on the issue.

Please help!

Biting My Lip 21 months ago

Veronica,

Great article, I think you really weigh the sides evenly and logically. I was wondering if you had time to give me some much-appreciated advice.

I just started dating a friend who I met online (I know, gasp) going on 7 years ago. We are both 21 now, and due to distance, never got to be together though we have been interested for a long time in one another. We met twice last year when he was in the neighboring state-- the first time I drove to meet him, the second time he came to me. I am going to school now where he is, and for the past month we have been officially dating. Things have been really good so far, and I have no doubt that I love him, and he has claimed to loving me, too.

Now, don't worry. Marriage is not something I am considering so soon. But I do want to be married someday, and I can see that so far, I can see marrying this man in the future. The issue is, I don't want to live together prior to marriage. And I know from past conversations, that is something he wants (to live together first).

His reasons are:

- To see if living together works out prior to marriage

- It's financially logical if you spend alot of time together

- To him, it is a sign of love and caring.

My reasons for not wanting this til marriage is:

- I think it is basically avoiding real commitment. At this point, it's like you are everything but married, so what's to stop you from never marrying?

- My friends and family would disapprove and think he doesn't really want to ever commit either

- I feel like living together, it makes it easy for a couple to see it as a month-to-month rent agreement, and if any problems occur, it is easy to leave and not work out the problems, like you would married

A big problem is we view marriage differently. To me, it's the ultimate sign of love and commitment, something very romantic. To him, marriage is just a legal commitment. He thinks people can have all the love and commitment without it. But he DOES want to get married someday. He's always expressed in prior conversations dreams of "settling down with a nice woman, having kids.." etc.

So I just want to know, what is the best thing to do when this debate comes up? I want to stay with him no matter what, and I respect the opinions he has, but don't know how to compromise in this. I don't know if he would break up with me if I refused to live with him, but I think it might make him unhappy, and I am worried he would see it as me saying I care about him but not proving it by living with him...

Help! Please!

Nemo 21 months ago

Hi

The same problem that I have.I am living 2 years with my boyfriend,I would like to get married but he sticks on financial issues.I don't care,I am not ready to leave him.I have lost my job so can not live separately.He is with his friends most of the time.I am so exhausted.I am extremely looking for a job to being independent immediately.I am not in a good mood,I can not push himself to marry me.I am educated girl and know that have so many good options.Maybe have a chance in my love life.I told him twice and would be enough to think about my own life.We had so many ups and downs together ,I did cover everything but it would be enough.I love him and he loves me,But unfortunately can not trust him.

Nemo 21 months ago

Hi

The same problem that I have.I am living 2 years with my boyfriend,I would like to get married but he sticks on financial issues.I don't care,I am not ready to leave him.I have lost my job so can not live separately.He is with his friends most of the time.I am so exhausted.I am extremely looking for a job to being independent immediately.I am not in a good mood,I can not push himself to marry me.I am educated girl and know that have so many good options.Maybe have a chance in my love life.I told him twice and would be enough to think about my own life.We had so many ups and downs together ,I did cover everything but it would be enough.I love him and he loves me,But unfortunately can not trust him.

too independent? 21 months ago

I wrote a couple weeks back but never got your take on things. It seems like everyone has advice to offer up, but I would really appreciate knowing what an impartial (and wise) person has to say.

My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. I haven't talked to him since, except to text him good luck for the new position he was starting in early August. He texted a thank you back.

The more time passes, the more I miss having him in my life. I also recall the petty things he brought up and the freakouts, however. I wish we had actually had time to talk over things face-to-face, instead of all the freakouts, and ultimately breaking up on the phone. given some time passing, a large part of me wants to talk to him again. I don't know that he would even think about initiating talking to me because I said I didn't want to be friends. I said that anticipating how hard that would be, but I have stayed friends in the past with exes, and actually that was fine.

I would like to talk to him. He has family here and will be visiting frequently enough where this would be possible. I guess I would like to see if, given some distance and relief from the high pressure situation we had, we can regain some of the relationship we had. I lost both my love and my best friend, who until that time had been really wonderful to me. I was so happy with him until it came down to me having to move without a further action from him. Now, that is a non-issue, at least for the next year. I am taking classes here and committed to my job until I find out what school offers I have for next year. Several possibilities are near where he is, but plenty I like are elsewhere too. True, it would be containing the long-distance thing, but he is actually closer than he was last year and both of our schedules will allow for more opportunities to visit. I am getting off topic. . .

I know I let something valuable go, but at the same time, we at least both needed to take a step back. I want to get in touch with him, but I wonder if should just be strong and let go. What do you recommend?

Nemo 21 months ago

Dear Veronica

I am still waiting for my comments,Could you give me some advices?

Thanks for your helping

Jessica 21 months ago

Veronica,

I have been with my boyfriend this time for a year now. We were together when we were 16, at which time I took his virginity. We lost contact for 12 years almost, and our paths just crossed again.

I left an abusive marriage, and ended up homeless. I showed up on his doorstep after 12 years and he took me in and supported me. He even did this with his then-girlfriend telling him she would leave him if he let me move in. Well, two months later they broke up, and he and I were together again.

Now we are going on 1 year together in 17 days. He originally said he would never get married, now he says it has to be at least 2 years into the relationship. Recently, I have pointed out that I have no problem with a long engagement, which would carry us past the 2 year mark, I just wanted to be engaged because there are so many women after him. I kind of want him to be marked as out-of-bounds. When they flirt, he doesn't exactly tell them he's unavailable. He thinks that they are just being nice and that to tell them he is with me would be assumptive of unintended advances and that it would be rude.

He agreed that just being engaged wouldn't violate his 2 year rule and that he saw my point. That was 2 months ago, and even though he swears no woman has even meant to him what I do, he still hasn't proposed. He says he wants to get a ring first, and do it right by surprising me with a proposal. I think he's delaying for something. Is he really just that naive, or is he playing games with me? How long do I give him?

On top of all this, I spoil him badly, so he is definately getting all the benefits of a wife.

Edith 21 months ago

Hi Veronica

I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years, we are both 25 and have been good friends for 10 years. When we had been together for a year he told me he wanted to marry me one day. I have never really been interested in the whole wedding thing, even as a child I used to ask if I could have a baby without a man :-) I have never felt the need to be in a relationship and knew once I fell I'd fall hard. My bf always knew I would only be in a relationship which was heading somewhere (doesnt matter where just not for the sake of it). When we had been together for 4.5 years he changed his mind on the marriage thing, wouldn't give me a reason because he didnt have one. But is adament he wants to be with me, "forever" doesnt want anyone else and loves me. These things I dont doubt. We broke up a few months later (only for a few weeks) We got back together and now a year later are living together.

I love this man very much, we have been through so many hurdles together, learnt so much about ourselves and each other over the years. We still laugh, cry, have fun ;-) it isnt stale or mundane, but he still doesnt know why he doesnt want to get married. Both our parents are still together in happy marriages.

The problem is now he has taken that option away I feel hurt. I do love him, and want to be with him more than marrying someone else. But I want him to want to marry me. I have tried to talk through with him every reasons why he doesnt want to get married and he still doesnt know. I have asked whether its me? Whether is about finances? Whether its about the wedding (cuz Im not interested in the whole princess thing) Half of me feels like I am making an issue out of something that didnt botehr me before it was taken away and the other half feels hurt.

If we were to break up I honestly wouldnt be too interested in actively dating and finding a husband. The idea of that has never appealed to me, I know myself very well for a 24 year old and have been in many situations which have forced myself to anaylse why I feel the way I do etc.

I dont know what advice I am asking for. I know that I feel "entitled" to know why he has changed his mind. He wants children with me and we are saving for the future together, he talks about the future as 'us' and 'we'. I dont think its me, meaning that he wants to get married but not to me, I dont think that is the case.

People around us are currently getting engaged and married, and he was really supportive, which means a lot to me, he does think about my feelings but I just hate the questions and the looks people give us. I dont want to get married for anyone else other than me, my bf and our future family.

I have told him if we were to ever have children out of wedlock they would have my name, it took him a week but then he accepted this. I knew this was a mig deal to him and eventhough I was the one who said it the fact that he would rather it be like this rather than marry me at some point hurt.

I don't want to get married now, we are not financially ready for children or marriage, although I sometimes think I am maturally ready, I dont want to pressure him. But I do want to know whats changed and if it will ever change back. I believe very strongly in the traditional view of marriage - to me its not about the paper or the wedding day or the dress its about making a covenant with someone you love and promising things you have every intention of keeping until you die!!!!

I do not know anyone else who still has that impression of marriage :-(

At one of our lowest moments I did offer for him to go, no hard feelings (well none openly) and experience life he cant experience while with me, and said when he was ready I might still be here but I might not. He didnt want to, he was hurt and offended. I didnt mean to hurt him I just didnt want him to feel trapped into a future with me, I know its hard when you have been with someone a long time. I love him so very much.

What are your thought on my situation???

Edith 21 months ago

Veronica

Thank you very much for your insight - it has helped me get my head around everything. So many people have said leave him he will NEVER marry you. Its great I now have a greater understanding of what he is thinking and how etc. Loved the comparison to a faster engine/brain as he loves cars and it really does describe how he is at the moment, he has just go all this new responsibility with a home and new job, something he would not have even looked at a few years ago so he is maturing and I know it will take a while and I am completely happy to wait as long as it takes knowing there is a possibility it could happen. Thank you so much - I will try very hard to ease off the "where are we going" topic and just enjoy being with him.

Thank you

Edith

Lindsey 21 months ago

Veronica,

I've got a question about your take on the developmental changes you've referenced with Edith (especially the Saturn Return). What is your advice on dating a younger man then? I ask because I think, from what I've gathered in other hubs, that you and your husband married when he was only 25 or 26 and you were 5-7 years older. Did he go through his Saturn Return much younger than average? Or am I off on the ages?

I also ask because I'm in a similar situation (we're 25/31 now but have been dating since 23/29) and we're interested in having kids and with my age waiting another 4-5 years probably isn't the wisest course (it'd be much easier if we were in the not-wanting-kids camp), so I'm just trying to navigate these slightly more unusual waters and thought you might have some really good insight to offer.

Lindsey 21 months ago

Veronica,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts on the matter. That really helps, and makes a lot of sense.

As for me leading the way, I honestly can't say for sure that's not the case. I know I'm trying not to, but I've also been honest with him that I'm ready to take the next step and don't want to be the eternal gf either.

Unfortunately, I think life events have simply highlighted this issue a little sooner than either of us would prefer. I lost my job recently and we're considering a move to where his family is located (Wisconsin--I'm in discussions with a company out there--a job that he turned me on to) if I can't find something where we currently are (California--where the job market is fairly saturated for my profession at the moment). I get along really well with his family and consider it a sizeable plus to have them close by. I'm definitely not moving out there to just be close to them or making the move based on our relationship. It would have to be a really good job opportunity separate from those things, and it looks like it may eventually be just that. We even just got back from a trip to visit his family (his idea) and check out the surrounding area where the companying I'm in discussions with is located. However, he is also conflicted about living near his family. He adores his family but is also concerned that I'll become too close to them before he's made up his mind on marriage (specifically that I'll be too "buddy-buddy", as he put it, with his Mom and that will increase the pressure to officially make me one of the family before he's ready to make that decision for himself).

So these days, I'm mostly confused about where he's at. On one hand, he says he's still trying to figure out whether he wants to marry me (we both believe in marriage so I know he's not concerned about not wanting to get married generally) and I'm trying to give him space on that. But then he does stuff like forward me jobs in Wisconsin and take me out to visit his family for 10 days, but then is conflicted about actually moving out there if I get the eventual job offer. Makes my head spin a little. Generally, I just try to breathe and not get too caught up in it because it feels a little contradictory and crazy-making for me. I feel like he must be trying to work something else out (perhaps his boundaries or relationship with his parents as shifting from parent-child to parent-adult child) and our relationship is getting mixed up with all of that.

Any thoughts? Is it obvious to you and I'm just not "hearing" what he's "saying"?

Lindsey 21 months ago

Veronica,

Thank your husband for the additional insights; I really appreciate them. They definitely have contributed additional dimensions of this issue for me.

I don't think I'm too worried about him not having partied as much when he was younger. He was very fortunate to have parents that were able to support him through college, and although he made sure to take care of his grades, he surely didn't lack for some serious partying (sometimes, I'm shocked his liver made it through). We still go back to his college for his fraternity events a couple times a year as alumni, and those are some pretty party-heavy weekends.

I have traveled more than him, but since I went to law school after undergrad, I haven't been out in the work force all that much longer. Between the two of us, I'd say it's been me that's had to learn to loosen up and smell the roses as I spent 18-29 working like mad between putting myself through college, law school and then working those 70, 80, 90 hour weeks at big law firms.

I still have plenty of places I'd like to travel to (we just went to Peru in the spring, hiking for 5 days to Machu Picchu), so I don't think he'll miss out on that in the longterm. Even if we had kids (and I'm thinking 3-4 years down the line), I plan to still be able to travel to some extent -- I'm sure his parents would be thrilled to look after them for a week or two while we went somewhere. And unlike me who has only lived in 2 places my whole life, he's lived all over the country (and even two years in England) because his family moved every 2-3 years. So I've experienced more places internationally, but he's experienced a lot more of the US than me.

He's a pretty grounded individual and responsible (I think it's partly being the first born), but he doesn't take it to extremes being a workaholic who never plays. He's always played a good deal and still does (he's at softball while we speak). So it's definitely possible that may be an issue, but my intuition just isn't really pointing towards that.

If anything, I'd almost say he's had it too good -- lead too blessed of a life. Lack of hardship sometimes results in lack of perspective, not being able to realize how good something really is or that perfection is illusory. I know it's been the hard times in my life that really forced me to drill down on what is really important and what is simply gravy or neglible details--they helped me to separate out all the bullshit. Prior to such lessons, I definitely took certain things for granted to this day I'm still a little embarrassed or ashamed of --- but that's how we learn (I'm much better at forgiving others than myself).

I don't know if he's already experiencing Saturn Return issues or not (at 23, he told me he wasn't interested in dating around just for the sake of it, that he was interested in really looking for "the one" and more recently that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't think I could be that), or if he will later and it will take him in a very different direction without me. I guess I just feel that it's not one of those things you can force, control or really predict. I'm trying to be smart and realistic and not just hearing and seeing what I want to rather than what is, but if I end up just being wrong about him, and he goes another direction, I guess that will just be my misfortune. I hate the idea that it may cost me having kids, but I also feel then perhaps that is just fate -- because heaven knows I've tried -- tried really hard. It's not a very satisfying end point, but I think that may just be the best I can do.

Lindsey 21 months ago

Veronica,

I appreciate the clarifications and affirmations. Perhaps my response came off too literal or too dire; I didn't mean it to. I completely get the idea that your husband's experiences and insights are just one possibility, an example of one way such things can manifest. I just followed that idea as applied to my situation as one path of could-be's to explore, but totally understand that it could snake down a myriad of different paths.

I appreciate you sharing your overall feeling about my situation. I trust such feelings a good deal, even though I'd feel more comfortable if I truly understood them (it seems that the head is always a little bit slower than the gut and heart and is desperately trying to catch up).

I am tired and perhaps have a little bit of underlying unhappiness. But it's not so much aimed at my relationship or the bf, but more frustration with life. Patience certainly isn't a natural virtue of mine, and perhaps this is just another lesson in why I need to develop it more (I'm so much more comfortable doing than being).

I've worked very hard to get where I am now, and am really proud of the person I've become. I've got a lot to work on still, but I feel very solid in my foundations and confident in my general direction. I was one of those folks that had really hard 20s. I am probably the only woman I know that was happy to turn 30---the 20s kicked me in the teeth and I was happy to be done with that decade. The frustration comes from getting to this great point of my life, to being a really good ME, which has been really hard-earned and then having to wait, especially with a good dose of uncertainty. I feel a little like a racecar revving it's engine, but not quite yet getting the green light and being able to put my gears into drive or even truly knowing that I'll ever be given the green light.

It's not that bf's fault or mine. Just a timing/life issue. One of the few things I've learned in life is that life rarely happens according to a person's preferred schedule. Almost always it either comes earlier than preferred or later and you've got to make the choice to dive in a little less prepared than you'd like or pass up a potential amazing opportunity and hope you don't regret it as truly good opportunities don't come around all the often. So that's where the exhaustion and frustration comes from---just wanting to really start to build, finally in a place where I'd be a great builder and have the right tools and supplies, just not quite yet getting the go ahead to break ground. Close, but not quite yet. I hope all these mixed metaphors help explain where I'm coming from better than my last post did.

Thanks for listening and all the sage advice. I appreciate it so much!

Lindsey 21 months ago

Thanks, Veronica, for the reassurance. It helps to know that you don't see any glaring, giant issues out there that I'm simply refusing to acknowledge or not truly listening to what he's "saying". Thanks again. You're a gem! And I'll keep you posted. I wish you live in SF instead of NYC---I think we could have been great friends.

PS. I'd love to see a hub about how damaged people tend to mature and grow differently--as you alluded to in your earlier response.

Sam 21 months ago

Hi Veronica, I just read a few of your comments and I really like your outsider points of view so here's my story....I am 36 with a 13 year old son, previously married for 10 years and my boyfriend is 32 no kids never been married, we've been together for 3 years and 7 months now. The first 2 were really bumpy with a lot of breakups and makeups. Finally after 2 years in the relationship I decided to move on because he was not ready for a commitment so I broke it off and started seeing somebody else. Suddenly he realized ''how much he loved me'' and almost died, he started writing a blog which he emailed me a link to were I could read the daily journal of the pain he was going through.I decided to ignore it but eventually I gave up and started talking to him again and one day he just proposed to me with a ring and all, I said NO because we were not even together, I was seeing somebody else etc. To make long story short...we got back together, I moved in with him and it's been a year and 5 months since he proposed but now that's a forbidden subject again, he never talks about getting married, he talks about a future together but NEVER marriage, so I finally decided to talk to him about it for the 3rd time last night and I got nothing, and today we haven't even chatted while working like everyday. I think I need to add that he has been awesome with my son, helps him with homework and because of him my son has straight A's now. Please advise.

OrlandoC 21 months ago

"I've read that men marry at the right time and will make any woman the right woman when the time comes. Women marry the right guy, and will make any time the right time when the right guy comes." So true.

Hailyk 21 months ago

Veronica you are now my favorite read when I am taking bus or subway during my commutes, good thing there's smartphones! Let me give you a quick recap since I know you get so many questions. I have a more specific financial question I want to get your take on. My boyfriend and I are both 26. We both have great jobs but he makes twice as much as me and has no school loans because his parents paid for school. He owns our home and I pay him half the mortgage as rent, he takes care of the rest plus most of shopping and for this area in a big city what I pay is pretty typical and fair. We do not share any accounts or anything like that. He recently paid off his car and got another raise and has been saying I don't need to pay rent. He knows I live paycheck to paycheck and have huge amounts of student loans left. Last month I asked if he were kidding and he said no and I could pay whatever I felt like. This month I am considering his offer and we had a talk about it and he said he wouldn't mind if I didn't pay. I am confused about what this means. Does it mean something?

The extra money would help me a lot! But I feel bad and weird. We had also been having major issues for over a year about commitment and marriage. I now know a couple key things about him. He is not ready for marriage yet, and he feels we both have improvements to make to become the ideal partners to one another. I did in the past give him a deadline to decide and he was still stuck at "I don't know" when time was up. I was devastated and he was extremely upset at me leaving and we discussed keeping things the same for now which I have settled into the past few months and we are happy again.

Even though he says he isn't ready for a serious commitment yet he has shown some actions towards it. Buying the home, being responsible with money, and we have dogs together. Is me not paying rent a test for himself to see if he would like "taking care of me"? Or does he feel he doesn't want to owe me anything in case things go sour? I don't know at all. Maybe in a man's head it's just face value plain and simple: he is doing well and can handle it financially, I could use the extra money. So is there deeper meaning or not? If yes, what?

We were commenting before on how our friends are all engaged and getting married, I asked if he thought there was hope of us getting married in the future. He said he didn't know. But later he asked me casually how I would like to be proposed to. And we talked about that a bit, not sure it meant nothing to him and was just conversation but to me it felt hopeful somehow.

We both agree I am steadily improving in areas I lacked domestic skills in and I am making a bigger effort now to listen to him and be open to his feelings. Trying not to let my agenda and emotions get in the way of communication. I think he feels it too because he is nicer to me. Do you see any signs in his recent actions? What do you think I should do about rent?

Jessica 21 months ago

Veronica,

I have been with my boyfriend this time for a year now. We were together when we were 16, at which time I took his virginity. We lost contact for 12 years almost, and our paths just crossed again.

I left an abusive marriage, and ended up homeless. I showed up on his doorstep after 12 years and he took me in and supported me. He even did this with his then-girlfriend telling him she would leave him if he let me move in. Well, two months later they broke up, and he and I were together again.

Now we are going on 1 year together in 17 days. He originally said he would never get married, now he says it has to be at least 2 years into the relationship. Recently, I have pointed out that I have no problem with a long engagement, which would carry us past the 2 year mark, I just wanted to be engaged because there are so many women after him. I kind of want him to be marked as out-of-bounds. When they flirt, he doesn't exactly tell them he's unavailable. He thinks that they are just being nice and that to tell them he is with me would be assumptive of unintended advances and that it would be rude.

He agreed that just being engaged wouldn't violate his 2 year rule and that he saw my point. That was 2 months ago, and even though he swears no woman has even meant to him what I do, he still hasn't proposed. He says he wants to get a ring first, and do it right by surprising me with a proposal. I think he's delaying for something. Is he really just that naive, or is he playing games with me? How long do I give him?

On top of all this, I spoil him badly, so he is definately getting all the benefits of a wife.

hailyk 21 months ago

oh and I should add details about our living situation. He is territorial and so I do not have many things and only occupy a dresser, closet, and half the bed basically. We share a room and there's extra space but he is working on it or we use it as storage. So in my mind maybe I am overpaying right now. But he also takes care of toiletries and utilities so I feel I must pay something at least. He said it was ok but I am feeling guilty already and think I should pay maybe half rent.

Lisa 20 months ago

My situation is that I live with my boyfriend, we have two beautiful kids together and we care about each other a lot, I love him very much and I am sure he feels the same (he says he does). I want to get married because I want to make that commitment and he did ask me to marry him on my 20th birthday, but now he says he doesn't want to get married,. I asked him why he asked me if he didn't want to and he said because it was what I wanted.My real conflict is that he asked his ex-girlfriend to marry him and she told him no, is this what is making him not want to get married? I don't want to lose him, but I can't get over the fact that he does not want to get married and I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want to do. I understand that he does not want to get married but he still wants to be with me. I just don't know what to do. I see friends getting married and know that it is what I want for us (to have a real family). I guess I am insecure about the whole situation. We have even discussed just going down to the court house, but I feel that he is still hesitant about getting married. I get really upset at the thought of never having that real experience and being able to introduce him as my husband, I also get upset when he calls me his wife and I am not, because he doesn't want to make me his wife.

Kylie 20 months ago

My boyfriend wants to get married so badly and worries and hems and haws over it weekly...he's 31, I'm 24....I'm not really ready to get married but he keeps threatening to end things b/c he thinks I am too young to take idea seriously....which is sort of true, but sort of not. Either way he wants it sooo much more than me. I really don't want kids either and he brings it up every now and then...

It's actually sort of cute the way he's asked before he's been like "so you don't wanna have my babies?"....and uck its so damn cute how he asks me all pouty and cute and I cn't just flat tell him "No" lol...so i just give him a confused look and say i donno...lol

Sunny and Sandy days ... 20 months ago

Hi Veronica,

I met this guy from a very good link of friends, we've been together for 8 months now but I knew him for a while before that, maybe a year now.

I am now in the country that it seems possible to get a right guy, i feel this country is just a hub for people to meet and leave whenever they have to. I've experienced hard times to find a serious relationship since 2 years i've been living here.

When i met this guy, everything's changed. I can feel what life really is, not just typically work hard and party harder type of life I had before.I really thanked god that i met this special guy.

One night when we shared a bottle of whiskey together, he came up with a marriage topic that his family has put pressure towards him, it's in his culture that arranged marriage is common, and he's sick of it. He also told me that he did not want to hurt my feelings or make me sad, and he said he will only think about marriage after 5 years. PERIOD.

After that night on, I feel terribly, i cannot explain to you the reason why, but my heart just keep battling what he just said. It hurts me so much actually but we always speak out what we feel, then just a day after that i told him in response to what he said - i also want to let him know my future plan which i see myself to be settle down in 2 years with the person i love & told him i wanted a relationship goal.

He did not response immediately after that and he said he will think about it. In the same evening he texted me that he already has the answer which he's not ready for marriage yet nor to think or to response to my 2 years plan. He mentioned to me financial security was the major reason.

Because i love him and i don't think any love should be pressured with conditions, i told him that i want to be with him and try to forget all of this.

A month passed by and our relationship is getting stronger, but i still can't forget all of this PLUS i have a mother, single mother and she depends her old days to me, which in my culture & my own belief it's a must and my mom in no 1 in my life. She knows abt this matter and had asked me to forget him several times and acted unhappy if i go out or spending times with him.

For the last time i try to speak with my boyfriend again, explained him the pressure i got and the love i have for him, it's hard for me to handle. He suggested a cool off relationship break for both of us, but only after 3 days we cannot handle the feeling of living in Limbo, so he texted me to clear things up. He said he's completely OK with relationship with no goal and what he know is he love me. But this is not what I want! I want a relationship goal and to make my mom happy too!

Veronica, waiting to hear from you ... sorry i wrote too long!

love 20 months ago

hi veronica,

i love this guy alot, i am nt in a relation with him but he very well knows that i do and want to have a future with him.

i had given him time to decide whether is wants to be with me or not..

we started as frnd and it leaded to love from my sidee.

we had a heart to heart conv yest and he said that for reason that he cant disclose, he doesnt want to be married to me.

he adores me, has a soft corner but doesnt think that i am the one. he says i am best for him or any guy - just a perfect bride but.. its nt clicked for him..

wat do u think i should do?

torn 20 months ago

Veronica,

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. He is 24 and I am 23. When the topic of marriage first came up it was when his mom asked when he was going to make that step. I took it all as a joke. But it has been happening over and over and he responded with you just don't know and maybe when Im 25 with a smile. Just recently we actually had a discussion with friends when he said he's not ready for marriage , and he's not ready for that type of commitment. I was crushed. Maybe not because I actually thought we'd get engaged, but because it felt like rejection. Im not 100% if I am ready for marriage either but I cant get it out of my head now. Something that started as just joking around has become more than that. We had the talk and we agreed not to bring it up anymore. Things were going well until we recently attended a wedding. I met his grandparents and other parts of the family. In turn they all started to bring up the conversation of when he was going to get married. During the reception and after probably too many drinks...I brought it up after a friend at the wedding asked where my ring was in front of a group of people. His response in front of everyone was you can't force family. I was devastated. We argued all night at our hotel after that... How can one little subject take such a high toll on a relationship that for the most part is great.

I spoke with his mother privately the morning after and asked her to not bring this subject up around him because he thinks Im pressuring him and he's already explained to me he isn't ready for marriage.

In conclusion after a few days passed he said he wanted to apologize for everything that it wasn't what he meant. But then asked me if I wanted to buy a home with him. I was so thrown off. I said as much as I would like to say yes I need to think about this. In the back of my head I am thinking how is buying a home not a commitment. I don't believe in buying a house prior to marriage it just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. So I explained to him that I think that would be something people who would be considering marriage in the future and it may not be the best option for where we are right now.

But I am so lost and filled with mixed emotions. All I want to do is go back to how things were prior to everyone bringing up marriage ideas. how can I successfully do that?

Sorry so long and thank you :)

Torn 20 months ago

I forgot to mention we have been living together for most of our relationship. It is something most people say don't work out, and most don't, but in our situation it did.

franicuss 20 months ago

Hello! I as well as others found this site do to the question.

I am quite different. I am 49, my bf is 57. We were both married before, and over 20 years with grown children.

Neither of us has experienced a love like this! That's all I will say about THAT...trying not to be too wordy and to get to the point.

For three years, I thought he was working toward a marital future with me. Our conversations included comments like, "when we are together someday...", and if someone would ask him "so, when are you two gonna tie the knot", his few answers were, "in due time," "I need to get my son out of highschool"...etc...

We were even looking at houses...but NEVER EVER did we say the M word...well, except for me clearly saying that someday I wanted to be married again.

One day over Easter weekend, we got into an argument. His ex wife, and alcohol and bipolar, was creating some issues within their family..he has two kids, freshman and senior in college...luckily the ex has moved out of town...but back to that weekend...I had told him that until she was completely away from the picture (which she is now", there wouldn't be any hope for a life together because I don't do well when mothers hurt their children over and over...emotionally.

I casually asked him, "Where do you see us ten years from now...really..." His answer shocked the heck out of me..."you mean MARRIAGE? I can tell you right now I'm not sure I'll EVER want to marry again."

I became very emotional...told him I felt he had led me on and he knew that was what I wanted in my future again someday...how dare he even look at houses with me and make the comments to the questions he was asked.

So...we had a VERY drastic and heartbreaking split...for awhile...then we couldn't do it without each other and got back together...then we split,,,then we got back together....then we split, and 2 weeks later he broke his leg in 3 places and I was the first person he called...I moved in temporarily, (I've never lived with him),to take care of him. I am a caregiver,,,so he was and is very lucky to have me around.

So...after a week of this, he started introducing me as his girlfriend again, and treating me like one...I point blank asked him, "Where do I stand now? You dumped me 2 weeks ago, and the only things that has changed is you broke your leg."...his response was that he wanted me back as his girlfriend, and he didn't want me to date anyone else...as the last time he dumped me, he came back saying he still wanted to go out occasionally and wanted to be friends...so then, I had told him that was |OK but that he left me no choice but to play the field...I got online and had a couple of dates...it felt horrible because they were not him.

We already act like we are happily married...we are both mature and know what is important and what is not...this relationship is so unconditional, yet after 3 years, he said that he isn't ready to even ready to decide on our future.

So...I have been limiting my time with him...it's very difficult because it's obvious we want to be with each other all the time.

I know you will probably say, either break it off, or accept the fact he doesn't want to marry again...I'm trying not to be selfish, but I'm one year away from 50 and don't want to be 60 still waiting.

I appreciate any advice you can give me! I'm glad I found this site!

I want to break free 20 months ago

Hi Veronica, I've been dating my current girlfriend for 4 years now. We are both 27 but neither of us have the money to live on our own. I've loved her very much and past the first year of dating, she's asked me when I plan on getting married. The problem is, I'm generally an independent person I don't see her as someone I'd want living with me the rest of my life. I recognized this two years ago and attempted to break up with her, but I still had feelings of attachment and felt bad about making her so upset, so I tried to make it work, getting her a promise ring on Christmas of 2008. She tried her dearest to make me happy, but I believe she loves me more than I love her.

My heart loves her, even if only at the friend level but my mind and our status tells me we're incompatible (she has many mental and physical problems and would not be able to help much with either housework or finances). I expressed that I couldn't live with her the past few months, and a few days ago, I told her that I'm probably not the best person for her and she should get someone else. My primary concern as of now is getting a good, stable career, which has proven difficult with this economy.

TEENA 20 months ago

I was with my bf since i was 15 then we broke up when i was 19 then got back together since the age of 21 upto date today. now i am 26 and he is 28. i had been talking of marriage since the past year or so but everytime we talk about it he says hes not ready.

i live with my parents and they are on my back to get married too as in my culture it is this way, like wise with his. but i dont know why his view is like this.

he says he loves me and wants to stay like this, but i also have a life and i wish to get married and have a family. we both have stable jobs and are independant and we love each other very much.

but this extra hurdle is stopping everything. by him not wanting to get married means i grow old and its a shame on my families reputation. he understands this fully but he just doesnt know what to do.

another point to note is that his family said if he chooses me than they will disown him. in this case he sayd neither does he want to lose them nor me.

ive given him endless reasons to see the positive side of getting married but he keeps saying hes not ready but will eventually one day - when will that 1 day ever come?

i get so stressed from thinking about this but i wish it wasnt so hard for him to make this decision.

now my family know of him, so it was suggested that my father speaks to him either face to face or on the phone? would that solve anything or would that make my bf even more frustrated?

whats the way forward.

Lindsey 20 months ago

I want to break free -- I'll say it. If you knew that you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with her 2 years ago, why would you stay together?!!! You tried to break-up?! I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt, especially when it comes to figuring out feelings, but man, this just sounds downright cowardly and selfish. It sounds as if you've put your feelings, no matter how much you want to cover it up with faux concern for not hurting her, before her heart. It sounds incredibly selfish and hurtful. If you truly care for her and respect her and know that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with her, let her go so she can find someone that loves her as much as she loves him. You're not a good friend. You're the kind of man that makes good men cringe because you give them a bad name.

I want to break free 20 months ago

I finally broke up with her. It was depressing of course, but I know it was the right course of action. I talked to her and made sure she had the support of her friends and was looking for some more. The problem is she threatened suicide both two years ago and just now, but I went through with it knowing she had a deep fear of death and spoke words of encouragement to her. I need to spend some time single and change my ways of trying to be a "good guy" in the name of my own selfish feelings.

Lindsey 20 months ago

Good for you, I want to break free. The suicide threat sounds very manipulative (my ex did this as well and my therapist said not to worry about it as it was a manipulation tactic and she was completely right). At the end of the day, you can only control yourself and act with honor and compassion as the circumstances will allow. If it means anything to you, I think you've done that, even though it was still a hard thing to do. It sounds like your gf has some soul searching to do herself. Bravo! and I wish you much fortune on the next chapter of your life.

Jon 20 months ago

Hello Veronica, stumbled on this site and you are very good. I am a 23 year old been in a relationship with my gf for 6 years since college now. we were on and off several time. Now we are both graduated and out in the world with jobs for about a year now. Our relationship has been struggling a little bit as my gf has been asking for marriage several times and wants to settle down. I, being the typical guy ha, haven't been as interested. I care for her a lot and love her, but I don't really want to settle down yet. Its tough, to be honest I see other girls out and about and wonder what it would be like. I also don't really want to lose her as she is my best friend. Guess I wish I could have it both ways. Life sucks in that respect. Guess I am at the point where I don't know what to do. My unconscious mind has been propelling me away from her, but I think thats cause of desire for other girls. Life after college is definitely harder then what I thought. Girls in there twenties are way to focused on marriage I think its insanity. It's harder for me to meet people... but I don't know if thats the best reason to stay where I am now with my life. I have lots of goals of opening a business, getting more education, and somehow I am expected to just settle down as well. Everyone at my work is either married or engaged. Is society waging war on the single class ? do you have any advice for a guy in my spot? do I wait for other girls ? try to make my relationship work?

franicuss 20 months ago

how long does it take here to get a response...just asking cause I've never posted a question or created any "HUBS".

SMILEY 20 months ago

Dear Veronica,

I have been reading the posts here and I find your advice so enlightening that I wanted to know what you think of my situation.

Im 31 and my boyfriend is turning 42 next month. We have been together for 5 years now. We survived being together long distance. He lives in Australia and I in Manila. We see each other every 3 or 4 months, 6 months at the most. Most of the time he comes here, sometimes we meet somewhere like Hong Kong, Vietnam or Singapore when he has work there.

One year into the relationship, he talked to me upfront and told me (without me bringing it up) that he is not looking into getting married soon and he knows I wanted to so I should just find a local guy. I laughed at his comment and probably my pride speaking, I told him who is thinking about marriage (of course i want this but not soon) we are having fun and so lets just see where this goes.

The next few years have been great. Our relationship grew and it gets better and better as time goes by. He even brought up living together (living in sin as he terms it) since he probably doesnt believe in marriage much. I said I dont want that coz I believe in marriage.

Few months later, since I was turning 30 I had to bring it up. I talked to him and asked him where the relationship is going. To which he replied that he really hasnt given it much thought considering the distance. I asked him if he is willing to think about it because Marriage is what I want and if a year is enough for him to think about it to which he said YES.

The relationship for the next year has been greater, I felt him being more committed and actually felt that we would get married soon. When my year deadline came though, he got laid off from work, not really having financial troubles since he saved up but dealing with a lot of paperwork and taxes and stuff. I felt it was bad timing to bring the "future" up so I just let be for the meantime and it still was great.

A few months later we have been discussing about spending more time together because having a long distance relationship is hard. I am so busy with my job and he has been telling me that I should start setting my priorities straight -- i feel what he meant by this is to give him more time. I really love him but since he hasn't really talked of a definite future, I don't feel like I want to prioritize him yet (I would have if he proposes)and change my life for him. He was complaining about his taxes how he is being over charged because he is a single male to which i joked he should get married then. I was surprised he said yes he should and told me we should plan my trip to Australia so I can see how his life is, if I can cope and if I like it there get married.

Three months later I went to visit him to Australia and stay there with him for 3 months. He never brought the topic of marriage up again and I was waiting for him to do so but he never did since 3 months ago. Since I knew we were getting married anyway (i felt in the relationship) and due to the fact that I have a few ovarian problems to which my OB told me it wont easy getting pregnant, we started trying having a baby while I was there. I did get pregnant a week later (it wasnt so hard after all) and was happy but I think he is still in shock. I was waiting for him to bring up the MARRIAGE topic but he still never did until I could'nt take it anymore and asked him if we are getting married. His reply was eventually we would but that he doesnt want to hurry. Then he pointed out how great it was that I was pregnant and that we would take care of the child and that we will be ok financially because he would help me out even if he doesnt have work at the moment. He actually laid out financial plans to me and with pregnant hormones at that time all I wanted to hear was that he will marry me and dont care about the money.

We just stayed together there and was good but 6 weeks later had a miscarriage. It was very trying for us and he was very emotionally supportive. Was with me in the hospital and took care of me afterwards. Before going back home, he just told me he is coming to visit me before year end (this was september). I went home with that plan and so far he has been ok. He tells me he loves me and misses me. We talk online and call and text. He just said he cant wait till he sees me again soon.

Now my issue is, I have come to a point when the distance is tiring. I want to be with him all the time and love him so much. I want marriage. He however never really brought it up after that. He hints about trying to have a baby again, living here and stuff but nothing concrete. No marriage. No ring. Now I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should wait for him or settle with the fact that he probably wants to be with me but doesnt believe in marriage. I dont know if i should compromise my belief though. I know its what I want. Even though I love him and feel its worth it.

I feel he wants a future but is scared of that peice of paper that would bind us forever. I dont even need a wedding. I can do it with a judge or something as long as I have that form of commitment.

What do you think? Is it time to let go or should I still wait?

Smiley :)

audri 20 months ago

veronica i have a huge problem. I've been with my boyfriend for two years already.he does not believe in marriage but i do and i do. he will be moving to a different state with his family in two months. what am i suppose to do? Be ok with it and try the long distance relationship or should i just call it off since he wont be back until 5 yrs and yet marriage might not even be an option for him?

SMILEY 20 months ago

Dear Veronica,

I hope I can hear from you regarding my situation.

Thanks

SMILEY 20 months ago

Dear Veronica,

I hope I can hear from you regarding my situation.

Thanks

Jon 20 months ago

Veronica - thanks for the advice. I official told my girfriend we need a break. She demands answers as to why I won't just commit and get married. She makes it clear that it must be because I want other girls. I try to explain its not all about being with other girls, but just trying to establish myself. I am branded as selfish by her which hurts me a lot. I guess I live in a world where I want to be friends with her since she has been my best friend for so long. Taking a break is tough since my family liked her and respected her.

Its just difficult for me to contemplate walking down the aisle at this point. The thought of having a kid sounds like a death sentence... I am being selfish - which is hard to admit. But is that such a bad thing ?

Maybe I will lose her and it will be the worst decision I make. Or it could be the best one... I guess that is the risk I take. But you are right I should not commit and marry if I have such doubts. A foolish mistake that would be....

We spend years in school learning how to work in this world... just wish maybe we could spend more time teaching people how to live in it.

CCDL77 19 months ago

Hello all,

I'm sooo happy i found this website. A lot of your stories sound very close to home. Thanks for sharing.

Here's my story and I hope I can get some honest feedback because I honestly do not know what to do. I'm just a mess emotionally.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We live together now and have been for the past 1.5 years. He's 46 now and I'm 33. He's been married and divorced once and has an 11 year old daughter. We all get along well. We always had a wonderful relationship - honest and caring, loving. He is a wonderful provider and is very secure financially and emotionally. We've always talked about getting married and having another child. When I met him he said he wanted one more. Last year, when we went to Italy, he gave me this "promise" ring on my birthday and said that he's saving up for the real thing. Everything was going great - we lived together, had good jobs, travelled together... Well... 6 months after I got my promise ring, i started feeling neglected. He'd come home and just turn on the TV, watch sports, and not talk. He's never been good at communicating as I'm sorry to say most men aren't (sorry guys!) but I thought that i could get over that. I tried telling him that i'm not happy but he just said it was "my" issue and he's fine. We don't need therapy. He said i was the one who was too emotional. (typical) After a few months of this silence and emotional neglect, I started seeking that emotional connection somewhere else. It just so happened I had a friend who was in her 20's and loved going out. So one night, I went out with her and got really drunk. I was supposed to meet my boyfriend at his holiday party but instead i stood him up. Didn't do it to hurt him. I guess deep inside i didn't really want to go. My friend was begging me to stay. So i did. I was supposed to meet a partner at his firm...I never showed up :( I came home at 6 in the morning. He was very mad at me and didn't talk to me for 3 days. (he usually runs away from problems - if he doesn't talk about them they don't exist which i hate because i'm a communicator)... So after 3 days and the persistence of his daughter who really loves me, he forgave me. I told him how i felt and what was wrong. He promised he'd stay open to me. Well, that lasted only a few weeks cause then a month later, i did it again. Only this time, I lied to him and told him i was working late when in truth, i went out with this girl again... It was fun - being at the club with people, i liked the attention... got drunk again. Got home at 5am again. He couldn't forgive me this time. This time he thought ok, this girl is cheating on me. So we broke up. I left my stuff at our apartment, but I moved back with my mom. For 3 months, we were on and off...I was a mess - i begged. Finally, as i was ready to move on, he took me back. Said he couldn't picture his life without me. But the damage has been done.

So here's my dilemma. Because of those nights and the betrayal even though i'm telling you - i'd never cheat...it was just pure stupidity...i was rebelling! because of that, he now has changed his mind about marriage and kids. He doesn't want them. It's not even a matter of trust he says, because it's been 8 months since then and he says he loves me and trusts me...but just that he was sooo hurt that he decided he doesn't want marriage and kids. Period. I AM JUST DEVASTATED. He's my best friend and love of my life... and it took me losing him to realize i can't live without him. I know i messed up BIG TIME...but I also know that people make mistakes... I made a huge mistake. I don't know what to do... Do i stay and HOPE he changes his mind? Do i leave and just move on? Thing is, how can anyone make me choose between the man i love and the baby i want to have someday? I told him i'm not in a rush, i told him i love him very much...i've stopped talking to that girl, i don't drink or go out, i've been nothing but the perfect girlfriend, and STILL it seems like it's not enough. I just don't know what else to do. I'm sooo sad. He said he's happy to just live together forever - not married. But that's not ok for me. I can't forgive myself for what happened in the past... if it wasn't for that, we'd be married by now. I'm soo torn. His daughter loves me and considers me her stepmom... I know she's a big part in this but i can't ask her to put pressure on her dad - that's not right. And the truth is, the more pressure i put on him, the worse it gets... he runs away. He comes home late, goes out w friends, etc... and again, i feel ignored and unloved and scared. He said i was the love of his life, his best friend, his sole mate...that he'll be with me forever...but if that's the case, why can't he change his mind?? Does he want me to be unhappy?

The other thing to add to this is that recently, he's been going through a lot of financial issues, and his father passed away. His daughter is a teenager soon and so she's battling with the raging hormones which is also upsetting him. I also shop a lot and he hates it but I've been helping him out as much as i could. I keep thinking that maybe this situation is clouding his judgment? Because one day he says, how can i think about the future and having a kid when i can't even pay my bills? And then next day he's like, i don't want them at all. One day he says, I don't want to have 2 ex-wives..what if 10 years from now you will get "bored" and go out and hurt me again? What then? And the next day he says, we want 2 different things. I don't want to get married. I HATE THE MIXED SIGNALS!! UGH :(

Does someone have any suggestions or have been in similar situations out there? Is this man i love so much a hopeless case with too much baggage who's truly scarred for life or can he turn around? Like i said, i'm 33 and by 35, I'd really like to have a child. Age is also a factor here because he'd be 48 by then. Should i give an ultimatum? Should i wait? Should i move on? I'm sooo confused :( Please help.

Obamistake 19 months ago

Isn't the whole point of dating finding someone to marry? A process of elimination until you believe life isn't possible without that one special person. If that's the ultimate goal of the dating process and you have no intention of ever marrying, why waste a woman's time when you can be sure a trip down the aisle at some point is definitely on her mind? Being honest and upfront about this is likely to stop any relationship dead in its tracks, but isn't it better for her to know right off the bat than waste her important beauty/attraction years on a dead end relationship that has no possibility of producing children for her?

Tarheel12325 19 months ago

Hey Veronica,

I have been with my girlfriend for about 3 years now. Recently I freaked out and broke things off because I was feeling pressured about the whole marriage thing from her and her friends.

To give you a little background on us, I am 26 and she is 24. My career has just started to take off and I am now pointed in a direction with where I want to go career-wise. She on the other hand is still in school for her Masters, does not have a high paying job and has always lived at home.

Now we did live together for a year (she moved back home after the breakup), and I paid about 90% of the bills and all of the stuff we did for fun, etc. I want to be with this girl for the rest of my life but I have a lot of concerns. One is being financially secure. I have a pretty good job making decent money for my age but I just don't feel like I can financially commit right at this point in time to buy a ring, save for a wedding etc. She on the other hand wants everything now, even though she is very naive and doesnt really know what it is like to have to pay for stuff like this. This frustrates me like crazy since I KNOW I want to marry her one day when I feel more secure about things but it seems like she just doesn't want to wait and wants it all now. She also says she wants passion and romance in the relationship and that she wants to travel and do more stuff. This frustrates me even more because she's acting like every relationship has to be romantic 24/7 like you see in the movies, and how does she expect to do all this travelling when I am paying for everything and am having a hard time saving money for future things for us (i.e a ring, wedding, down payment for a house, etc).

I of course have never really fully communicated this to her, which I know is something I have to work on and plan on it. We are meeting for the first time in two months to have this "talk" but I feel like she is just going to sing the same tune which is "I can't get back with you if I don't have a committment TODAY and all i want all this stuff". I understand where she is coming from but how do I get her to see that we both need to become more established and she needs to pitch in too if she wants all these things and that it would be better to wait a little bit and just enjoy being together for the time being?

I was thinking about "compromising" and possibly saying we can get engaged when she finishes school in a year and has started up a career first. That way we both can chip in equally, etc.

tjean1007 19 months ago

I need advice. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 16yrs. We started to date when we were 13yrs old. Now we are 29yrs old. We bought a house about 3yrs ago. We had a "surprise" child who is 2yrs old. We both adore her more than anything in the world. I handle all our finances, we have joint bank accounts. So this is insite into our relationship.

Here is my problem. We play the part of husband and wife. He calls me his wife, we both wear rings that most assume are wedding rings. Yet we are not married. I have told him many many times I want to get married. I want to have the same name as my daughter. I love him we have both made a commitment to one another. Yet still no marriage. Lately it has been harder for me to deal with. I have thought I have been patient and not really pushed the issue. I have pushed it but since we are still not married clearly I haven't pushed it that much. Last night we got into a really bad fight about it. The first fight we have had in about 2yrs. Yes we bicker etc...but we normally never fight. He told me when I brought up the issue of marriage that he said we could get married. He is correct in the past when I have brought it up he has said well just set a date and start to plan it. My feelings on that are BS. Who wants to get married liek that. I don't want to feel like I pushed him and he is just doing it to make me happy. I want him to want to marry me. I want him to bring up the marriage idea and say hey I love you let set a date. I don't want him to say just do it already.

Am I wrong? Should I be happy that we play the part and that should be good enough? Do I just stay and continue on this path? Or do I decide I have already invested 16 yrs and if he on his own doesn't want to marry me then maybe I should leave. I worry about my daughters happiness. By staying we are the family she needs. But I am not happy with the arrangement and I don't want my daughter growing up knowing her mommy was not happy. On the other side, what if the grass is not greeener on the other side? All I would have done is split up my family and deal with not having my daughter with me everyday. Please help.

JD 19 months ago

Hi Veronica. I consider myself a late bloomer - my first big heart break was at 23; (wasn't even a long relationship) I'm 27 now (soon to be 28), and moved out on my own a about 18 months ago. I met my girlfriend a little over a year ago, and we've been together ever since. (she's 24) This is the longest and best relationship I have ever been in. We are very much alike, have the same values, trust each other, and get along well. I am content with our relationship but have had some doubts recently.

My girlfriend asked me to move in with her after my lease is up in February. (she owns her own house whereas I rent) I am having a hard time making a decision on whether to move in with her. In talking about moving in together I asked why she wanted me to move in, and she said so we can live together to see if it would work before going further in our relationship, with something like marriage down the road. I was honest with her and told her I don't know what I want for myself, or if I'll want to get married, or when I'd be ready to get married (if I do want to). I know I don't want to get married right now though. Of course no one knows how their going to feel in the future, and anything could happen, but she got upset at the idea of me possibility of me not wanting to marry. I think part of me feels that moving in with her is akin to making a commitment to marry in the future because that's what she would like. Personally I think this decision to move in (which is not as big of a decision as marriage) should be a natural one, where I don't have to convince myself. I supposed it doesn't help that we're past the "honeymoon stage" in our relationship, and being past that is a first for me too.

Do you have any suggestions? Are these feelings normal? I guess I'm trying to figure out what my feelings mean, and I am afraid of what they might mean even though I really care for my girlfriend.

ST 19 months ago

Hi Veronica,

I have a similar problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while, and originally he said he wanted to get married. The other day he told me he made up his mind not to get married ever. I dont know why all of a sudden he changed his mind he wont tell me.He just says marriage is pointless and he wont do it period. But I know i want to get married. Is this going to lead to a break up since its an unsolvable issue? I mean, I dont think its possible to stay together when one wants marriage and one refuses to am I wrong?

jen 19 months ago

What if you are at the age where your biological clock is ticking and you want a child with this man and know you realisticly have only a small window of opportunity to do this and your relationship is good, you both love each other very much and your desires were made clear upfront from the beginning and the man told you he would want the same thing and now a yr and half later hes not sure.... but loves u and doesnt want to lose u?

Katie 19 months ago

Hi Veronica,

I have been dating my boyfriend for more than 1 year now. I moved in with him several months ago and everything was good. He told me he loves me everyday, he paid for most of the bills/rent and other expenses (because he knew I was really tight with money at the time). I really appreciate what he did for me, and I do love him. But whenever I try to talk about future and marriage with him, he keeps saying "I need my career established first, and I will think about marriage after that". He said he wouldn't get married before he's 30, and by then I'll be 32. I'm 25 now and want to get married before 30.

We love each other but we also argue a lot. We broke up several times in the early stage of the relationship, and got back together afterwards. It really bothered me that every time we broke up, he wanted to go on dates with other women and if possible, brought them home. (I saw it once, so I knew it was real).

Now everything is more stabilized. But he's moving to another city. I don't know if I should stay in this relationship. Whenever I ask if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, he says he needs more time to answer that question, and he's not in a rush to make a decision yet.

Should I wait for this guy indefinitely? I sometimes wonder if he just wants to keep me around...

dancergurl19 19 months ago

Hi Veronia- So glad I found this! A lot of this information is very helpful!

Maybe you can help me out because I'm stuck on what to do. About 5 years ago I met my bf. He was a traveling sales manager. So he lived in the south and I lived in the midwest. We connected right away, and after 8 months of long distance, and visits, I moved down south to be with him, even tho he traveled at least 9 months out of the year. I lived down south till I found out I was pregnant and decided that with him traveling so much that I wanted to be with my family. After I had the baby, he helped me move back home so I would have more support. (His family was no help at all) We have been talking about getting married for the last 3 years, but he's always saying its not the right time, or my favorite was about 2 years ago, he told me if I lost 30lbs he would marry me. I'm not a big girl yeah I got flab, but I still take care of myself, 5'5" and about 140 (well thats after a baby) but anyways once I found I was pregnant I realized even more that I want to be his wife. He just doesnt seem to understand that. It's always a huge fight with us. He says he's close to it, but not ready just yet. I admit I keep pushing him because I'm out of ideas on what to do. I do everything and anything for him. I mean we are 100% happy and I wouldnt trade it for anything, but I want the next step. I starting to think well you need to sh*t or get off the pot. I'm only 23, and he's 30..but I would think if you have been with someone so long that they would know if they want to marry you or not. It makes it even harder because all of my friends are getting married, and they havent been together with there bf's even 2 years. It makes it hard on me because I'm looking at it like why am I not good enough to have my bf wana marry me. I know he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm beginning to think he doesn't want the same. We have an amazing son together and I dont want to raise my son without him, even tho I pretty much am cuz he is always on the road. and then it makes me think with him not wanting to get married because he still wants to play the field. I mean its not like I would ever know what he's doing. I'm so confused. We just got in a huge fight and are on the verge of breaking up because he doesn't seem to want what I want. He just keeps telling me do what you want.I just dont understand why after all this time he still isn't ready to commit. Does that mean he isn't ever gunna want to commit, and he is just keeping me so he's not alone? I just don't know what to do anymore. I dont want to wait to much longer if there isnt guna be anything out of it.My mom keeps telling me she thinks hes gunna do it at xmas, but I dont know anymore if I should keep waiting...:( please help!

La st 19 months ago

Wow! A lot of great advice for others. Maybe you can help me as well. I am 33, my boyfriend is 35. We knew each other as classmates back in high school, and reunited 8 months ago. He was married for 10 years, divorced for 2, and has 2 children (4 and 6 years old) who live with us every other weekend. He moved in with me officially 3 months ago. So far, he is the man of my dreams. He is a great person, great father, great boyfriend, and his family (who I've met so far) is wonderful and they love me as well. There is just one thing that could be a deal breaker and I don't know what to do. He has had a vasectomy (during the marriage when they were having problems). I want at least one child of my own and have ALWAYS wanted to experience everything that comes along with bearing my own child. He knows that I have always wanted to be a mother, but has not ever brought up the topic of whether he would be open to a vasectomy reversal or other ways of fathering a child for me. After seeking advice from a male friend of mine, that friend said that I should wait one year before bringing up the subject as he thought at that point, my boyfriend would know for sure if he loved me and wanted to be with me enough to make this important of a decision. I am trying to patiently wait this time out... or at least get through the holidays peacefully and happily without bringing up the subject, but I get so worried that I will just wait this whole time, and fall deeper in love with this man, only to come out on the other side heartbroken after finding out he is not willing at all to father another child. I thought for a few months that I could be happy in the role of step-mom to his present children, but after realizing they will never look like me or call me mom, I know I want to have my own. My boyfriend tells me how much he loves me, how great I take care of him and his children, how much more I fulfill his dream life than his relationship with his ex, how much his family loves me, and how he can see forever with me and would like to marry me someday. He has said little comments on occassion about how hard being a father is, or about how his ex-wife and him were indifferent on whether they had children or not and just accepted them as they came. But, he is a WONDERFUL father to his children, and has stated how much more of a nurturing person I am than his ex. My question, then, is two-fold. 1. Do I stand a chance of persuading him to give me a child as well? and 2. When and how do I bring up the topic to give me the best chance of a fair discussion, but also not waste too much time. At 33 years old, I need to make decisions that are right for me before I lose my chance at children. I need to know I'm on the right path. I love this man more than any man before him and I'd hate to lose him. This is the toughest decision I've ever had to make. What advice can you give me?

Dwayne 19 months ago

So I've been with my girlfriend going on 5 1/2 years now. We want to get married. I am just about done paying off on a diamond ring that she actually knows about but won't know when she will get it. She keeps pushing that she wants to get married sometime next year. I'm ok with that however, I feel that out funds do not permit so I said maybe we should wait. She gets really pissed off at me and says it's not according to her plan. I have many things going on right now in my life. I am a partner in a Lifestyle Apparel Brand that is about to launch in March, teach part-time, and do freelance. I am 26 years old and my girlfriend is 27 years old. We are on a break right now as of two days ago (her decision to do it). I don't think breaks work for us, we need to talk about the situation instead of dealing with it alone. But that is not how she operates and I don't like it. I told her what happens when we are married, your going to get a hotel to be away from me when things hit the fan. It's just a lot of tension going on. I want to get married, I just want to take things one step at a time. I feel like I am being rushed.

tarheel12325 19 months ago

Hey Veronica,

I posted a little while back...but after reading Dwayne's response I am/was in his boat 100%. A months ago I broke things off with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years. The main reason behind this is that I felt like I was being rushed into marriage by her and her family. I am 26 years old and she just turned 25, she is still in school for her masters and finishes next year. My career has just started to take off but I don't have the funds to start doing the engagement, wedding preparations, etc. Ever since she moved back home (we lived together for about a year) she lost her job so she has no imcome with a lot of school debt.

After about 3 weeks of the split I realized I do want to be with her and we should try and work things out. Ever since then she has pinned everything on me saying the whole breakup is my fault and when I tried explaining to her I wanted both of us to be "financially stable" she just said I was being negative and didn't want to deal with it.

Honestly I am at a loss of what to do, I am trying to get her to see the valid reasons why we I broke things off and how we can work on things, but since then she has already moved on within a month of the breakup and is now playing the "I miss you and want to be with but not sure if I can" game.

Help?

orchid 19 months ago

Hello Veronica,

I found your pages extremely useful – your candid advice and perceptive take on things is awesome. It really helped me understand certain things better but am hoping to have your point of view on my story if you find some time.

First of all I am from a different culture – I am an Indian and live and work in India as well. Getting married here has a lot to do with our respective families and most times marriages are arranged by parents. Almost all individuals stay with their parents when they get married and even after, the idea being that as you grow older you need to look after your parents by being with them.

I have been with my boyfriend now for 9 years, since postgraduate school. We are of different religions, he being a Christian and I am a Hindu. This has caused a lot of heartache in my family, more so since I am the only child. The pressure to get married early is tremendous since most people I know including men are generally married between the ages of 25-29 – women even younger.

The initial years with my boyfriend were wonderful as it generally is. After about 2 years of being in the relationship, we decided we would eventually get married. After about 4 years of being together he met my dad and told him he wanted to be married to me after his sister gets married. I was OK with waiting for some time. In our culture it is unthinkable that a younger brother gets married before his older sister especially if the parents are looking for an arranged match for her. I did understand that but after a point, around the time I was 28, I started getting tired of waiting. But the real anxiety set in when I touched 30. I did understand that I needed to wait but started nagging my boyfriend to set a timeframe for the wait – like I will wait for my sister to get married for the next 3 years or 4, which he was extremely reluctant to do and never did. This got me very anxious because the pressure at home was tremendous as here unmarried women beyond the age of 30 are very rare. But every time I broached the topic of marriage we would have huge fights as my boyfriend felt I did not understand his situation. In the meantime, my parents started finding matches for me and I sat through them (which was very wrong of me but my boyfriend knew of it) and somehow made sure it fell through.

Anyway, eventually, this June his sister finally did get married and I went to attend the wedding where I was introduced to all his relatives as his fiancée. Through all of this my parents had still not come around and to be honest I did not make an honest attempt to bring them around either as I was never certain how long I would have to wait – also, my boyfriend never tried to talk to parents either after that one time. Another instance I have to mention is that my dad at one point shouted at him which I am ashamed to write about. But I spoke to my dad and got him to call my boyfriend up and apologize. The morning after this occurred, he wanted me to go out with him, as an act of rebellion against my parents – I did not do this as my dad had already apologized and I felt to walk out then would give out feelings of abandonment to my parents. This added to the resentment my boyfriend feels against my parents.

To come back to the point now, my boyfriend is all set to get married and his parents are just waiting to get the wedding fixed and do it in a grand way – the only condition being that I get baptised – which means conversion over here. I am extremely reluctant to convert as would further distance my parents and also I feel it is unnecessary. My boyfriend is an atheist and I am an agnostic so religion does not really matter to either of us but he wants me to go through with it because his parents want it. His take is that his parents have been so accepting of me throughout and he feels outraged that I cannot do this little thing for them. I cannot bring myself to do it because it would mean distancing myself from my community. He refuses to discuss it. My point is, now that the time has come for marriage, we should be working together to bring my parents around – my parents have now come to a point where they say they are ok with it but will not attend the wedding which would be devastating for both my parents and me – but I can feel them softening and I feel it will really work if my boyfriend showed up and spoke to them. But he is so enraged that he refused to come though he told me he would and I had prepared my parents and they expected him one day.

Through all of this, I feel let down as though he is actually telling me – you wanted to get married so hurry up and do all that is required to be married, without listening to my concerns or working with me to resolve them. I am beginning to wonder if his family will always take priority over me all our lives if we get married and that is a situation I do not want to get into. Maybe I am reading it wrong or maybe I am wrong in this case – your perspective will really really help.

Another thing I need to mention is that through all the years before his sister got married I felt he did not really care too much if I broke up with him. But I waited thinking I might be wrong and also because he was fed up with me because I was giving him hell all the time instead of waiting patiently. I keep seeing red flags like him not planning trips with me (I love travelling and would love to travel with him but have not done so with him so far) – he claims he loves travelling too but has never planned anything with me though I see him planning trips with his other friends. So far we have also not discussed our future clearly and he feels we will tackle as it comes. Reading through all your comments made me wonder if he actually wants to marry me or just wants to get done with the process since so much time was invested into it. I am hoping I am wrong – it may be just that I too have been immature through the years and have not exactly been the ideal girlfriend that has led to this behaviour.

I hope I get to hear your wise point of view.

Sorry for the extremely long post

Orchid 19 months ago

Oh! I forgot to mention that he is two years younger - I am close to 33 and he is close to 31

Thanks so much for helping everyone out here with your comments and the insightful posts

leggo my ego 19 months ago

Hi Veronica-

I think you have made some really good points in this hub, and feel that you have probably helped many people. It's really difficult to see objectively when in these types of situations, which is why an anonymous detached outsider can really help. I can tell you from my experience, that much of what you have written is true, and many of the stories here have similarities, with some outliers of the bell curve. It's easy to think, "my relationship is different" and be blind to the signs. Timing is everything.

I am 30 and my gf was 33 when we just seperated a few weeks ago. We dated for five years with a year break. Somehow I ended up on the internet searching for advice. Probably because it's cheaper than a therapist!

When I first met her I seriously thought "this could be the one," I was 25 at the time, so my frontal lobe was fully developed ;) Things were casual at first, but we quickly became very close and after alot of persuasion and two years, we moved in to a tiny one bedroom apartment together. When we first met, I felt like I was at the top of my game, exercising, going to school, and earning enough money from the pursuit of music to pay the rent. Three years later we were living together I was seriously depressed, stoned all the time, sleeping all day, and broke. My self esteem began to fall, and admittedly I looked toward the gratification of female attention as an ego boost. I started going out more and more and drinking alot. Finally my debt ran high, as did my 'wild oat sowing' desire, so I moved out. We didn't break up quite yet, but I was back to my parents house. Cowardice.

All this time my girlfriend had been asking if I wanted to get married. I would generally answer No, and quite often fall asleep at the notion of any discussion. She was quite pressured by her family and friends (most of whom where either married, having children or LGBT). So we broke up for a year. Meanwhile I got to being a vagabond single musician and took to the dating scene again. I then turned 30 (I know here comes the Saturn Return speech).

One weekend I decided to go camping by myself. As I was enjoying the peace of the woods, I began to think about my ex some more. Not in a sad longing way, but rather in a joyous proud way. The dating scene had been good to me, I had the fortune of fraternizing and cohorting with sexy women, yet I had not felt any real connection with anyone. I realized, how great a person she was (I had always known), despite my desires to be with other women that fulfilled my lust more. Finally, we got back together and I broke it off with the others.

This time around she asked "was I ready to be with her forever? would I ever be with someone else even if I had the chance? could we move toward getting married one day?" I reluctantly answered that she was the one.

Still, we never made serious future plans together, and I never moved out of my parents house. Yet she stood by me for a while. Eventually, she made an ultimatum of "kids in three years, or goodbye," which I agreed to. Things seemed OK for a while, but my apprehension grew more and more with each serious discussion.

I agree with some of the comments from other men above. There can be a serious element of reverse psychology at play here. With my girlfriend and everyone around me asking "when are you gonna get married?" I began to feel rather overwhelmed. I was trying to get my life back on track, pay off credit card bills, get a decent job, and pursue my passion, let alone try to be supportive in a relationship. It's very hard to have 'romance without finance' let alone be in a relationship when one doesn't feel independent. In the long run, I feel I may have been more naturally drawn to the idea of marriage had it not felt like a fate being pressured upon me. But then again, maybe that's a cop out.

After that, I went on tour with my band, temptation rose again. Nothing happened, but the ego has a way of playing with you. Then she went on a trip to Europe, which I couldn't afford, and I went on a trip throughout the states, working odd jobs, visiting friends, playing music. We were apart for a few months when the text came: "Will you marry me? I need to know"

I answered on the phone: "I'm not sure, but I'm strongly thinking about it. I just want to make sure we can work out details like where we are gonna live blah blah blah"

She basically answered: "Well then I have to leave you, because I need someone who is sure that they want to be with me forever. The details can come later..."

Ironically, she didn't really care to get married now in the classic romantic or legal sense. She just wanted to know if I wanted to be with her forever. Which is what I was so wishy washy about.

So before I could even talk to her face to face, she left me after almost five years. When I go back home, we met up. It was great to see each other, we had a fun time as always we had good conversations, we laughed alot even though we were breaking up. But that's that, I'll be always wondering if I let the big one get away. It sucks, but if your not sure, your not sure. I hope I'm doing the right thing by letting her go, but I wonder if I would be more inclined to settle down if the conversation had gone differently. Everyone tells me I'll never find anyone better, or more supportive of me, and I don't want to lose her. I know I won't lose her friendship, but what about my sanity?!!

Orchid 18 months ago

Hi Veronica – Thanks so much for your opinion. It helps to have another point of view apart from ones friends’ as I have always thought that my friend’s opinion would be biased towards me. Also it helped to write it all down.

I did feel at times that he is rather controlling – this stems from his immense confidence that at times translates to ‘I cannot be wrong – I am always right’. To see from another’s point of view (or mine in this case) I think seems to him as an admission of something wrong from his side. I believe there are times when there is neither right nor wrong – just two sets of circumstances that collide. An empathetic stance does not necessarily mean that one is wrong.

I am writing this as it occurred to me that this stance or trait of my boyfriend’s illustrates a very guy characteristic “if I cannot take concrete steps about something, I do not want to talk about it” – from Men are from Mars …

Another thing I was thinking was that relationships are the same the world over irrespective of culture – loving or controlling, responsive and empathetic or manipulative … so your take really helped.

Anyways, I read in one of you hubs that you would soon have a post on stages men go through – explaining the frontal lobe development and the Saturn Return. I really look forward to reading them.

Thanks once again for such a quick response

P. 18 months ago

I am 27, and my boyfriend is 40. I brought up the subject of marriage around 1 year into our relationship (1 year living together). He ignored my comment. It has been 2 1/2 years now and I have been more brazen about mentioning marriage, and he simply becomes enraged when I bring up the subject. He has been married once before and I understand his apprehension. But, because of his age and the fact that he is unable to discuss the future at all, I am believe that he will never want this sort of commitment with me. He appeases me and says "its coming", but he can't even say "marriage" and it is clearly not "coming". My issue is that I have given up many of my friends, where I lived, and some serious opportunities for him. I feel as though he wants me on a short leash, but doesn't want me at the same time. The funny thing is, I was extremely independent before we met and I'm no idiot. I wonder if I am being weak or selfish... Wouldn't someone who wants to marry a person know right away? Maybe I am a romantic, but I never thought that that level of love suddenly grows on a person after many years.

Heidi 18 months ago

I came across your site and find it very helpful. So was hoping to get your opinion. My boyfreind and I have lived together for 1.5 years and recently I've been thinking seriously about my future. We've talked about marriage and he has told me that he doesnt want to. ever. But he would like to remain boyfriend and girlfriend. He likes the way we are now. Now we are both young (22) so im in no rush but would like to know if i can look forward to marriage or not. It is something I know i want. (my parents married for 30 and grandparents married for 50 years and i look up to their relationships and envy that.) So i guess my question is Do you think that since he is so young he may change his mind? And do you think since we live together he will have no desire to tie the knot since he already has all the benefits marriage could offer him? And if so, do you think there is a way to compromise in this situation? I want him to be happy but im not going to give up what is important to me in the process. I have considered moving on since he doesnt share the same future as i do. But would i be making that desicion too early seeing as we are only 22?

Waiting 18 months ago

Veronica,

I'm worried I already know the answer to my question, but every time I talk to my bf I think i fool myself into thinking that we're ok. We are both 27, turning 28 in a month, and have been dating for a year and a half. We have been living together for about the same time. Six months into the relationship he was spouting from the roof tops that he wanted to marry me. He would tell all his friends, and when asked when he would propose to me he would say within the next year. That all changed a year into the relationship. We have had our rough spots, much like every couple, but a few months ago we had a huge blow out fight. During that fight he told me that he did not want to marry me, and that he didn't think he would ever want to get married. He kept saying that he wanted to take a step back, that we spent all of our time together, and that he couldn't deal with it anymore. He said that he wanted us to move out into our own places, but that he still wanted to date me and be exclusive. He kept telling me that he wanted to be with me, but that he didn't know if he could love me the way he used to again and that he needed time to tell whether or not he would be able to love me the same way again.

We kept talking and arguing about his statements for another month or so, and when I told him that he could not have his cake and eat it too.. meaning that I would not be exclusive with him if we took that huge step back... he finally said that he still wanted to live together. It's been a couple months since then, and now he says he loves me the same way and that he is happy with me. He acts like nothing ever happened, and he wants to be together. We still live together. The issue is that when I asked him if he still thought about us getting married he says that maybe in the future, but he's not ready yet. He did say that if he wanted to get married and have kids it would be with me. I'm not sure if I can believe what he says anymore. I mean to go from nothing to everything in the period of a few months seems crazy to me. Friends have told me that all he really wanted to do was to get out of this relationship, but I didn't want to listen. We seem really happy now, but I'm not sure what's going on. He keeps telling me that he's trying to show me that he loves me and that he sees me in his future, but marriage is not one of those ways. He knows that marriage and kids are very important to me, but he's not willing to propose anytime soon. I'm not sure whether to keep in this relationship because I love him or to move on. I'm not sure if he was telling me exactly what he wanted back then, and is now just with me and trying to love me because I told him I would date other people if we lived apart.

I love him, but like I've read above, now I feel like even if he does propose within the next year he will just be doing it because I want it, not because he wants to do it. I know it's lame, but I do feel like if he truly loved me, wanted to be with me longterm, and wanted to build a family with me he would not have doubted it a few months back. More importantly he would have already popped the question. We are after all in all senses of the word 'married,' we just don't have the binding paper. When I ask him why he's not ready yet he does not have an answer. He just says he loves me, and is committed to me. Should I leave him or should I give him time to figure out when he's ready?

Confused 18 months ago

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I am 26 he is 24. We live together in a house we own together. I love him and don't want to be with anyone else and don't see why we shouldn't get married. We have no financial worries really and the money is there from my dad to get married. I really feel ready, i mean we live like a married couple but he says he is not ready to get married. I think what doesn't help is three of my close friends are all planning their weddings for next year. I feel like it's affecting me emotionally towards him. I feel distant from him since our conversation. I just want the commitment. I don't understand how he can feel so differently from me, it makes me feel like we are on different pages in life. Help?

caligurly 18 months ago

Hi Veronica!

My situation is similar to most of the others above, yet unique as it is my own. I have been with my bf for 3 years now and we currently live together in our own apartment. We have had our fair share of ups and downs but I have stuck with him through much turbulence and am quite devoted to him and our relationship as I love him very much and want to marry him one day. Recently I approached him with the conversation of "marriage" and asked him what he sees in his future and if I'm in it... He firstly responded by getting very defensive and refusing to talk about the subject at all. After I gave him some time to think about it he responded that he believes its a "Huge" step and that he is not ready for it. I asked him if or when he would ever be ready to which he replied "maybe in four years." I am very hurt by his feelings on the subject. He says it is very hard for him to think about the future but he says he loves me and wants to be with me. Do you think he will ever be ready? By the way he is 28...

Steve 18 months ago

I agree with the Martini answer, break it up, otherwise the relationship will just become poisonous to both.

I got married once to please a woman, and it was a big mistake. I now have another girlfriend who is pressuring me for marriage and she will be toast soon. I have nothing at all to gain from marriage, but she gets to inherit half my money if we did, since she had no assets.

Watch out guys, girls know marrying it is much easier than working and saving for 20 years. Women are a depreciating asset which is why they know they have to get their hands on yours as soon as possible. I hate to be cynical, but I've seen it waay too many times, the greed always wins out.

summer2011 18 months ago

Hi veronic:

i have a question for you

summer2011 18 months ago

hi veronica-

I came across this site and have a question for you; it is somewhat long.

A little over 2 years I became friends w/ this guy, he just turned 28 and i will be 22 shortly. It started off w/ me watching his puppy when he traveled for work.I began a part-time government job early in college which is how we met. Around last year at this time we started to become very good friends. We spoke about the possibilities of an "us" and he said we would discuss it more. He also informed me that he just started datng somone else (she was 24 and now just tured 25 and also from the gon’t job) but it wasnt going anywhere. He also said he didnt really want a serious relationship at the moment b/c he was leaving, so i left it at that. He had asked a few personal questions via text and i told him I would give him an explanation the next time we hung out. I am currently in school still and he obviously is not, so about 3 wks passed before i was at his house again (had thesis to conduct) and i had stopped over to see the pup b/c i hadn't been there for a while. He told me it was fine with him but after i came back from the walk he was mad at me b/c he told me i never made it clear, which confused me. I let it go and decided that id email him the explanation i said i owed him. After the email, he told me that I could feel free to call whenever I wanted with no worries, and I didn’t question that. I had a rough childhood growing up and had to be an adult at a very young age. My father passed away young and my mother got into a "messy marriage" so i had responsibility that a parent should have actually held. Because of that, I have a very “headstrong” personality and am driven towards my career of choice. But also b/c of that, i do not trust very well, but w/ this guy I actually did. I am/was unbelievably comfortable around him but did not really become so until about a year into our friendship. When i mentioned to him after our little argument that i wanted to stop by, he told me the girl he was currently dating didnt like when another girl was at his house and complained to him about it, and after he told me that, i didnt know how to react. He pretty much let this girl only after a few weeks tell him what to do.

He was transferring the state 2 months after so i assumed his current relationship would end as well so i only talked to him here and there on the phone, work, and texts. When he left i wanted to be completely honest with him and eventually was (we spoke about some more serious stuff on the phone about 2 months later). In between that time we were talking every so often. But when i spoke to him he said that i should have mentioned i cared more for him than he thought before he started dating the girl and now he was serious with her. He said he would let me know if something were to change, etc. Well since that conversation we literally have not spoken. I just talked to him via email (light chit chat) a few days ago. I found out from a person from work he just married the girl, they were only dating a little over 8 months. I know that she had tried to transfer to be with him but that the agency was not very complying. Its weird for me to think of him marrying someone that quickly. I dont know what to do here b/c i feel like he was a really good friend of mine and it all went downhill once he started dating this girl. He knows i originally never really wanted anything more from him than friendship, that he is someone i really trusted, but that i wouldve considered more. I feel like telling him the truth may not have been the correct decision. That letting him know certain information freaked him out or something, i really dont know. I pay close attention to everything, reactions, expressions, its part of my job, and i made the call that i could talk to him..but with how things are i am now unsure. I feel like we had potential and now its gone..but he is always on my mind and i dont want to lose him as a friend, i value his friendship. My mind doesnt want to conceive either that he just married her b/c of what he had said before he left. And a fast paced relationship to marriage is completely out of character for him, so I dont get it. He is a very intelligent guy and i want to tell him im happy for him but i feel sick knowing how things played out but would never wish him anything but happiness. I don’t even really have an appetite anymore which means this is actually bothering me. I’m at a loss here b/c the situation seems so strange to me and I don’t know if i should completely cut him off as a friend or what? I usually don’t care about things like this, in-fact i usually will just "walk away and forget about the person" but i care about this for some reason which confuses me, but i just don’t know what to do here. I don’t want to question someone I never thought I would have to…

Elizabeth 18 months ago

So I am reading all this and havent read all the comments so I am not sure if this is any of them. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we have lived together going on 2 years, we share a bank account, I handle all the bills and a year and half ago we went ring shopping just to look and ended up getting an engagement ring set that I fell in love with. That was a year and half ago and he still hasnt asked me to marry him. At first it was because his younger sister was getting married and he didnt want to take anything away from her spot light. Fine I understand that but her wedding was in oct. its not going on dec. and still nothing. I am trying my hardest to not be pushy or get upset but its like come on already. I mean shit we are about to even share health ins from my work.

The ring has been like holding candy in front of a child and being like you cant have this.

I just dont know what to do or thing. I am becoming resentful.

Hurt 18 months ago

Hi I am 32 years old my boyfriend is 36, we have a 2 yera old Son, and have been going out for nearly 6 years now, in the beginning we talked about marriage but the longer we have been together it seems the less likely he wants to get married and each time i bring it up he says it pushes him further away but as my best friend my younger sister, younger cousin get married next year after being with their partners for 2 years I am wondering should I just walk away, he obviously has no respect for my feelings at all, please advise

ladycascadia 18 months ago

I would say that if the person doesn't want to get married and the other one does, there is an impasse. One person is going to be miserable, so it's best to cut your losses and move on. It's not fair to keep someone hanging if there is no intent to marry. Men can afford to waste a woman's time with shacking up. Women can't.

trying to stay patient 18 months ago

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we have a great relationship. We are both in our late 20's and in the early stages of our careers. We don't live together, but we do stay at each other's apartments about 5 nights a week. Almost all of my friends are married, some already with kids. Some of his friends are married or just getting engaged. Everyone in my family got married very young and I am like the "old maid" who is still single. That has never been an issue for me, as I am also the only one in my family to go to graduate school and actually have a career. At this point in my life I am ready to take my relationship to the next level and build a future as husband and wife. I'm not ready to have kids yet, but I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with him. We have had a couple of conversations about getting married but he just does not seem to be ready. He says he wants to be more stable in his career and knows that he's asking a lot of me to wait when he knows I'm ready. I feel like we are definitely not on the same page when it comes to this issue. I feel like I am sacrificing for waiting, but he should sacrifice a bit too. I don't want him to marry me because I am pressuring him, but I don't know how much longer I can wait around until he has his "I want to spend the rest of my life with her" moment.

Lindsey 18 months ago

Trying to stay patient -- it's a very personal decision, knowing when to say when. Late 20s sounds like generally a good time for people be seriously considering a life-time partnership, you're both out of school and starting a career and have been dating a significant amount of time. I know it's a very common thing for many guys to not want to get married until they achieve some level of career success -- perhaps it goes with the whole "good provider" thing. Women don't seem as concerned about this, either for themselves personally or for their boyfriends. I think it may be one of those Mars vs. Venus differences.

You'll wait until the waiting gets too hard, then you'll leave. Hopefully, you guys can talk about it and somehow bridge the gap --- wait more than you'd like to but less than he'd like to. However, be prepared for the fact that may be a gap that cannot be bridged. He'll want to wait longer than you want to and that will lead to resentment on your end---given your comment about sacrifice, it seems like that is already beginning.

The only advice I have is to be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend. Then expect him to be the same. There is no right or wrong answer, just a right and wrong for you and for him and unfortunately those answers may not be compatible. I really hope they are. Best of luck.

Kate 17 months ago

Hello.

I stumbled upon this amazing hub whilst looking for some sort of advice on how to handle the recent events of my life/relationship. Reading these posts have been an amazing comfort to me and have made me feel like I want to share what has happened to me, and hopefully get some advice. Right now I feel so lost and alone.

My boyfriend and i have been together for a little over 8 years, I am almost 28 and he is almost just 26. We have lived together for 5 and a bit years we have our moments at times but always manage to get through them together and in love.

My partner Adam is an extremely private person and finds it hard to talk about things or deal with conflict in general, so when we argue or have issues, he shuts down and just tunes out. It becomes a real struggle to resolve things, especially considering I am the type of person who needs to talk things out and resolve things.

So for the past 8 months I have been pushing the marriage issue, but he keeps telling me he is just not ready. 3 months ago I told him that "Its what I want in life and that if he cannot give me that, then he needs to understand that I need to leave and follow my own life path." So after a bit we spoke about it again and he said "OK lets do it" he went on to say that he loves me and when it comes down to it, he does not want to loose me and so getting engaged is what he will do. For the passed few months I have got a ring made using my great grandmothers diamonds, told my mother and close friends. Last night the jewellers rang to let me know that the ring was in. I told Adam we were able to go in and get the ring, and he told me he couldn't do it, that he doesn't feel right, that he has felt pressured into it, and that in his heart he knows its the wrong thing to do. I was devastated, I felt like m life was crumbling into a million pieces. He told me he still loves me and he still wants to be with me but that he cannot make a promise to me that he does not feel right about. I asked him if he thinks he will ever want to get married or have children and he said he does not know, that he does not want to make me any promises that he cannot keep. I said do you see yourself wanting this in the future and he said he is "sure I will want to one day but not now, and I cannot tell you if or when."

I love this man more than I can ever put into words, and he tells me he is still in love with me, but he just wants us to go back to before this whole engagement pressure.

I dont want to leave him because I truly love him, but I am so worried that he may not ever want to have the same things that I want. I dont know weather to leave now while I am still moderatly young, or weather to stay and hope that one day he does feel right and ready.

Also how the hell can we come back from something like this. We laid together for hours last night talking about it, and he just isn't ready, I understand that. Is it because I am the wrong person for him and that he does not love me enough....

I really need some advise. In Adams mind he wants to put it all behind us and move on and be happy like we were.

What should I do, and why has this happened

KAte xxx

mando 17 months ago

Good call. I just got dumped for telling my girlfriend that I didn't want to get married. We had discussed it and had a common goal to do that, but our relationship has been very shaky over the course of two very long years and I just don't feel a need to get married. I have been there before, and don't care to do it again. However, I felt that she was someone with whom I could do just that in the beginning, but as our relationship progressed, I noticed a lot of things that I didn't like in her. Her love seemed very conditional and despite my giving in constantly to her desires, (she's very attractive and we have great sexual chemistry - I think I was thinking with the wrong head many times) I never felt that she was putting in as much effort as I was so I got to thinking the last few days about why I felt this way, made a pros and cons list and she called me as I was finishing up my 2 to 18 list (cons won), and asked me point blank if I still wanted to marry her. I answered No immediately and asked if that was the only thing she wanted from me. She said no, but became upset and uttered "then we can just be friends but I want that" which is ok, but it just sucks that it's so black and white for some people.

Lindsey 17 months ago

Kate -- I'm so sorry about your situation. I've been exactly where you are, though we'd been together for 5 years instead of 8. In my experience, his being "ready" is just something he needs to figure out on his own. It's his own path and there is nothing you can really do about it. There was nothing you did wrong. You're just simply not on the same page and just incompatible as far as life goals.

I know it's really hard because where he is right now is so amorphous. He doesn't want to lose you, but he doesn't want to get married either. You've got to decide how important getting married is. If it's more important than losing him, then bottomline, that's your decision, as much as it hurts.

For me, being married was and is a big deal. I wanted a life partner, not a perpetual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I was ready and wanted to move onto the next level and truly start building a life together. I had to eventually leave and seek out someone that wanted the same things in life I did -- to be married one day and start a family. My bf said he wanted those things, and from the very beginning, but 5 years later at 29, he still wasn't ready. If after 5 years and some very difficult times (death of my father, college, grad school, etc.), he still didn't know, then I figured he never would (or he just didn't want to marry me). Or if he was close and really worried about losing me, then he'd come after me. He didn't. The only thing I regret is that I didn't make the decision sooner. He's now nearly 33 and still single. I'm not sure he'll ever get married.

You'll get to the point where waiting for someone to "choose" you as you choose him will just be too hard. You've been plenty patient and understanding. You two simply may not be compatible. If he's close to the point of getting married, he'll come after you. If not, then better you not waste any more of your time and love on someone that doesn't want the same things (especially if you want to have children one day).

I wish you the best of luck. I hate to give "leave him" advice, but it just gets to a point where there is nothing else to do. 8 years is a long time to be "maybe" land.

Lindsey 17 months ago

Mando -- I have to say that I'm a little confused with your comment. Are you happy your relationship ended or not? It sounds like you realized it wasn't a lifelong relationship as you realized that your gf wasn't such a great partner (18 cons vs 2 pros). And so you broke up as she did want a life partner and to want to get married. What else was supposed to happen? It just sounds to me like you got to the end of the road and so parted way.

g0nzales! 17 months ago

Hey Veronica,

Same old situation, why won't he marry me? I'm 26 and he's 27 and we've been together for almost 6 years.

I know it sounds pathetic, but we both still live with our parents. Not because we can't be on our own, but it's our culture, to stay with our parents until marriage. We both help out our family financially because we want to.

I am happy with my job and make enough. As for my boyfriend, he's changed jobs four times. He keeps changing careers and keeps taking specific classes for it, only to change his mind again. I have always been supportive of his career changes and never pressured him to make a decision. At his current job he is financially stable, but with the economy as it is, he doesn't want to quit.

The last 6 years have been awesome; we've traveled the world together, and have a great relationship with each other and with each others families and he's even become a member of our Christian church, despite coming from a Catholic background. I'd like to say we are very happy together, but lately I've been getting the "itch."

We've talked about marriage and he says I'm the one he wants to marry and we will eventually. He asked if I was giving him an ultimatum, and deep inside I know he's not the type to give into one, and I'm not the type to give one. He says he's waiting to be settled because he wants to give me all the things I want in life, especially the wedding I've always dreamed of. But I'd trade all that just to be married together and start a family. He finds humor in comparing our relationship to that one of Jennifer Anniston and Ben Affleck in that “He’s Not That Into You” movie. A little disturbing.

As of late, the itch has gotten worse and more apparent. My younger and older family have all gotten engaged, gotten married and have begun having babies. I know comparing is bad, but we’ve been together for A LOT longer than all of them. I truly am happy for them, but am deeply saddened and envious inside. Seeing the want in my mother’s eyes is one of the worst parts.

I just don't understand why we haven't progressed much, it's like we've been at a stand still for the past three years. A year and a half into our relationship we broke up shortly because he wasn’t ready for a commitment. We got back together when he realized that he did want to be with me.

It sounds like I'm whining, but is it so wrong that I'm wondering why he hasn't even proposed? I’d be content with a long engagement to save up for a wedding and our future. But how much longer should I wait? How do I approach the situation without it feeling forced or pressured? Should I just be content with where we are?

Help?

Lindsey 17 months ago

gOnzales! -- I know I'm no Veronica, but I do love her hubs, and if it helps, here's my take on your situation. The biggest thing that jumped out at me is that it doesn't sound like you're on the same page with your boyfriend, or that you've even really had a conversation about what those different pages are.

I totally understand you being ready to take the next step, and very badly wanting to move forward with him, and being frustrated and confused as to why he's not moving forward with you (especially after seeing others among your family and friends that have been together less time getting married and starting families). I see that you said that he doesn't want to get married right now because he wants to be "settled" first. I'm assuming this in the financial/career sense -- wants to be more settled in his career before getting married and starting a family (a very common thing for many men). Do you have any idea when that will be or what his plans/timeline for that is? I have a sinking suspicion that this is where the biggest disconnect is.

Does he want to make a certain amount of money before considering himself "settled" sufficiently to get married or propose? Acquired a certain level of savings/money in the bank? Accomplished certain milestones -- specific degree/education/position at work, bought a house, etc.? I first think you need to really get a good idea of what he means by "settled" before you can even evaluate whether you're willing to wait that long--right now, it's very amorphous and vague and seems to be causing you quite a bit of discomfort as a result. It could be as little as 6 months, but it could also be 6 years -- and I think the answer to that is going to make a big difference to you and your decision about whether you're willing to wait.

My instinct, given what you've said about his changing jobs a lot lately (if it's not driven by this junky economy but due to his desire to change positions/fields), is that he's still trying to figure out the career/financial thing. And not having that figured out yet makes him very nervous and somewhat fearful about committing to other big things in his life, including marriage and you. The good news is that when you get older, you get better at coping with such career ambiguity. But it's certainly not uncommon for a lot of people to struggle with this in their 20s (I certainly did), especially when they've only been in the workplace for a few years. With more life experience, you realize life ebbs and flows and so you don't fear the diminution of the ebbs as much anymore. Essentially, right now, he's so focused on figuring out the career thing, that he likely doesn't have the emotional energy to focus on your relationship. Once he figures out the job thing, he'll feel more secure and comfortable moving forward in the relationship.

I know this is so counter intuitive to many women because we're simply not wired this way. It is said that women are better multi-taskers and men are more linear (start and finish one job before starting the next whereas women can have many projects going simultaneously at various stages). Obviously, this may not be what's going on with him, but I know I've personally seen this pattern with many men in my life. Some won't even date seriously until they get their career stuff squared away. It goes back to that saying about men marrying when the time is right and women marrying when the man is right.

After figuring out if this career issue is an issue or not, I'd suggest you telling him what you've told us here -- that the "settled" issue isn't as important to you and you're totally okay with a long engagement. It sounds to me that you just want a little reassurance that you're both still on the "marriage path" together and can work out timing issues to accomplish your mutual goals together (including marriage, family, career, etc.). He may be open to the idea of a long engagement -- that would give you the reassurance that you will get married one day and him the time and energy to focus on getting "settled" in his career. If this isn't the issue, his response to your proposed solution of a long engagement will tell you volumes about his true intentions.

After getting a really good idea of where he is and what he's thinking, then you'll be much better equipped to really evaluate whether you think his goals and timeline will be compatible with yours.

It's not unreasonable or wrong for him to want these things, just as it's not unreasonable or wrong for you wanting your relationship to move forward towards marriage. You just have to find out if there is a way that they're both compatible.

Please talk to him so you can be crystal clear on where you both stand and want out of life and your relationship. If he intends to marry you, but is hesitant due to not being "settled", his responses will reassure you. If he is beats around the bush, evades and isn't able to give you any assurance that you're still on the "marriage path" together, then that too will be an answer in itself. Please speak with him. Right now, I fear that too much is going unsaid and you're secretly starting to resent him for not doing what you think he should be doing (i.e. proposing). That will poison your relationship if you don't nip it in the bud now. Talk to him. Figure out where he is and what he wants, explain where you are and what you want and then see if you can find somewhere that all those things are compatible. Best of luck to you and let us know how it goes...

Lindsey 17 months ago

gOnzales! -- I know I'm no Veronica, but I do love her hubs, and if it helps, here's my take on your situation. The biggest thing that jumped out at me is that it doesn't sound like you're on the same page with your boyfriend, or that you've even really had a conversation about what those different pages are.

I totally understand you being ready to take the next step, and very badly wanting to move forward with him, and being frustrated and confused as to why he's not moving forward with you (especially after seeing others among your family and friends that have been together less time getting married and starting families). I see that you said that he doesn't want to get married right now because he wants to be "settled" first. I'm assuming this in the financial/career sense -- wants to be more settled in his career before getting married and starting a family (a very common thing for many men). Do you have any idea when that will be or what his plans/timeline for that is? I have a sinking suspicion that this is where the biggest disconnect is.

Does he want to make a certain amount of money before considering himself "settled" sufficiently to get married or propose? Acquired a certain level of savings/money in the bank? Accomplished certain milestones -- specific degree/education/position at work, bought a house, etc.? I first think you need to really get a good idea of what he means by "settled" before you can even evaluate whether you're willing to wait that long--right now, it's very amorphous and vague and seems to be causing you quite a bit of discomfort as a result. It could be as little as 6 months, but it could also be 6 years -- and I think the answer to that is going to make a big difference to you and your decision about whether you're willing to wait.

My instinct, given what you've said about his changing jobs a lot lately (if it's not driven by this junky economy but due to his desire to change positions/fields), is that he's still trying to figure out the career/financial thing. And not having that figured out yet makes him very nervous and somewhat fearful about committing to other big things in his life, including marriage and you. The good news is that when you get older, you get better at coping with such career ambiguity. But it's certainly not uncommon for a lot of people to struggle with this in their 20s (I certainly did), especially when they've only been in the workplace for a few years. With more life experience, you realize life ebbs and flows and so you don't fear the diminution of the ebbs as much anymore. Essentially, right now, he's so focused on figuring out the career thing, that he likely doesn't have the emotional energy to focus on your relationship. Once he figures out the job thing, he'll feel more secure and comfortable moving forward in the relationship.

I know this is so counter intuitive to many women because we're simply not wired this way. It is said that women are better multi-taskers and men are more linear (start and finish one job before starting the next whereas women can have many projects going simultaneously at various stages). Obviously, this may not be what's going on with him, but I know I've personally seen this pattern with many men in my life. Some won't even date seriously until they get their career stuff squared away. It goes back to that saying about men marrying when the time is right and women marrying when the man is right.

After figuring out if this career issue is an issue or not, I'd suggest you telling him what you've told us here -- that the "settled" issue isn't as important to you and you're totally okay with a long engagement. It sounds to me that you just want a little reassurance that you're both still on the "marriage path" together and can work out timing issues to accomplish your mutual goals together (including marriage, family, career, etc.). He may be open to the idea of a long engagement -- that would give you the reassurance that you will get married one day and him the time and energy to focus on getting "settled" in his career. If this isn't the issue, his response to your proposed solution of a long engagement will tell you volumes about his true intentions.

After getting a really good idea of where he is and what he's thinking, then you'll be much better equipped to really evaluate whether you think his goals and timeline will be compatible with yours.

It's not unreasonable or wrong for him to want these things, just as it's not unreasonable or wrong for you wanting your relationship to move forward towards marriage. You just have to find out if there is a way that they're both compatible.

Please talk to him so you can be crystal clear on where you both stand and want out of life and your relationship. If he intends to marry you, but is hesitant due to not being "settled", his responses will reassure you. If he is beats around the bush, evades and isn't able to give you any assurance that you're still on the "marriage path" together, then that too will be an answer in itself. Please speak with him. Right now, I fear that too much is going unsaid and you're secretly starting to resent him for not doing what you think he should be doing (i.e. proposing). That will poison your relationship if you don't nip it in the bud now. Talk to him. Figure out where he is and what he wants, explain where you are and what you want and then see if you can find somewhere that all those things are compatible. Best of luck to you and let us know how it goes...

mommascared2go 17 months ago

I am 24, bf is 26. We have been together for almost 5yrs, I 2 kids together, have been living together for 3 1/2yrs, bought a house together over the summer (7 months now) Still no ring! He changes his mind all the time on whether he wants to get married or not, in the 1st yr of being together he wanted to get married.. i did not. After we moved in together and I got pregnant, he did not want to get married and I did. Right before our 2nd pregnancy he changed his mind he no longer wanted to get married... and its changed 2 more times since then (18ms ago) he again, does not want to get married, I still do. We talk about the future, more kids. Pets. Paying things off. Vacations. Kids going to college, ect. Im terrified to give him an Ultimatum and possibly leave w/ the kids, i dont want my kids to have a "broken home" but i also do not want to be his GIRLFRIEND for the next 25yrs instead of his WIFE!

advice??

Lindsey79 17 months ago

mommascared2go -- two things hit me. One, your age. I can understand someone in their early/mid twenties not wanting to get married as a general premise because they aren't ready to take on such responsibilities of a mate, family, etc. They want more time to just focus on themself without having to worry about someone else too much (i.e. just want a gf or bf). But then you describe all of what you're already doing -- living together, have 2 kids! and bought a house. That's huge for such a young couple, so your young age isn't as much of an issue for me. Your bf definitely isn't trying to have some free-wheeling, non-committed lifestyle as his actions indicate a guy wanting to settle down in everything but name. So, that brings us to #2...

Secondly, you're already giving him everything he wants -- the house, the household, the kids. Where is the incentive for him to give you what you want -- i.e. marriage? It seems like he can keep telling you to fly a kite, while still getting everything he wants. Unfortunately, this may not bode well for his character in general as not being particularly considerate as a partner -- i.e. caring about your needs being met and not just his. That aside, the only solution I see is for you to start to distance yourself if marriage is that big of a deal for you.

Veronica wrote a great hub about this for a woman named Chrissy who had a similar issue. But instead of just 5 years, it had been 10 years! I suggest you check it out. Chrissy also shows up in the comments with updates. Best of luck!

http://hubpages.com/hub/Investing-Too-Much-in-Your

skgrl 16 months ago

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We have talked about having a future together. We currently still don't live together but are planning to buy a house this year.

Currently I am a little uneasy about that because I had a previous relationship that turned abusive after we moved in together. The difference is with the previous relationship we had jumped into it and moved in with each other at 2 months. The guy I am with now is awesome. We get along well and we really love each other.Not a day has gone by that we haven't seen or at least talked to each other.

I have decided that a part of the reason why I am a little uneasy maybe because of the previous relationship. I am a little scared that history will repeat itself even though I know that he is not the same guy. So I have pushed aside my uneasiness so that we could build on our relationship because living in the past just gets a girl no where. :)

The other day he had family in town for a funeral and his aunt brought up the topic about marriage. I wasn't present at the time but his siblings joked around that I would have to push him to get married. He told me later on that night about the conversation and that's when he said that they were right. Chances are he won't pop the question and that I would have to pressure him into it if I wanted to get married. Up to this point we haven't really talked about marriage much. Once he said we would get married after buying a house...which at the time shocked me since I had yet to start thinking about marriage at that time. My thing is I don't want to pressure him into marrying me. I have seen marriages fail because it was one sided. So the night he told me that I would have to pressure him into marrying me I simply said that we don't need to get married. All I need is for us to be living together for at least 1 year before we start having kids. We both want 4.

Although I told him that we don't need to get married...and I am really not that upset over the idea of not getting married a part of me was nagging to me that maybe there was something about me that made him decide that he no longer wants to get married.

What should I do if he does pop the question? The only reason I ask that is because a part of me wants to marry him but the other part of me is wondering that if he pops the question...is it because he wants to...or is it because his family is pressuring him? How do I ask that without sounding rejecting?

Hope this comment doesn't confuse you.

JH5683 16 months ago

Hi Veronica,

I got some helpful perspective, just writing out my thoughts to you... Would you mind deleting my comment from earlier? I'd rather it stay private. If you would prefer to not comment, that's okay.

Thanks for your understanding and your time,

JH5683

Julia 16 months ago

Marriage is evil...

Worried 16 months ago

Dear Veronica

Me and my fiancê have been together for 9 years and of that 9 years, we have been engaged for 7. We have been living together for 6 years and we bought a house together. My problem is that I would like to get married "i mean it's been 9 years already and I would love to become his wife" but he doesn't want to get married and keep telling me this is what I want not what he wants. I am 27 and he is 30. What the hell should I just get out of the relationship or wait until ONE DAY he is ready....

Jackie 16 months ago

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and we live together. I love him very much and it hurts me terribly that he doesn't want to EVER get married. I am not sure what to do because deep down I believe that it is wrong for people to live together and not be married.

It really hurts me that he won't even talk about it at all or even consider it. At my job I have people hit on me all the time and I just ignore it. Sometimes I think about moving out and getting my own place by myself and breaking up with him because living in sin forever is not what I believe in. I am not sure what to do and I don't think I will ever be completely happy in a relationship that is going nowhere. He is a good man and he works hard and I care about him very much. It just hurts my feelings so bad that he doesn't think that I am good enough to marry. To tell you the truth, I have alot more going for me than he has going for him so I don't understand what the problem is. He just wants to sit in his room and drink beer and smoke all the time. What am I supposed to do? I am 39 years old and a very nice person.

Jackie 16 months ago

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and we live together. I love him very much and it hurts me terribly that he doesn't want to EVER get married. I am not sure what to do because deep down I believe that it is wrong for people to live together and not be married.

It really hurts me that he won't even talk about it at all or even consider it. At my job I have people hit on me all the time and I just ignore it. Sometimes I think about moving out and getting my own place by myself and breaking up with him because living in sin forever is not what I believe in. I am not sure what to do and I don't think I will ever be completely happy in a relationship that is going nowhere. He is a good man and he works hard and I care about him very much. It just hurts my feelings so bad that he doesn't think that I am good enough to marry. To tell you the truth, I have alot more going for me than he has going for him so I don't understand what the problem is. He just wants to sit in his room and drink beer and smoke all the time. What am I supposed to do? I am 39 years old and a very nice person.

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Jackie -- Don't take the whole marriage viewpoint of your bf personally. It's not a statement about you, but a statement about him. Neither is right or wrong, but your individual personal preferences. He doesn't want to get married, you do. Those are dealbreaker issues.

It's like the kids questions --- some people want to have kids and some don't. Both are completely valid preferences -- they just aren't compatible with one another.

It sounds like marriage is a dealbreaker issue for you as you see living together without being married as living in sin. Accept reality. Reality is that your bf has been very clear with you -- he doesn't want to get married. Break things off with him and seek out a man that wants the same life goals you do -- in this case wants to be married. Trying to change your current bf or convince him your way is better never works in the end. Accept that you guys have incompatible life goals and look for someone with compatible life goals (and next time, hopefully find this out earlier in the relationship, and certainly before you move in with him).

MsBusyBee 16 months ago

I was with my last bf for over 4 years and still no ring. He talked about marriage months into the relationship and I dismissed it. I figured that we weren't together for that long so how could I take a comment like that seriously? Years passed and I thought nothing of it. I started going out with him when I was 21, when I turned 25 (I'm 26 now), I had enough of this waiting crap. If I was significant enough to him, he'd make it a priority. I got my life in line: graduated college, got a stable job with benefits, and mentally and financially prepared myself to take the next step. He's the same age as me and he's a college drop out, no job (he had a full-time job before and got laid off) and has zero commitment towards a future. Besides that, he's the most honorable, respectable, decent man I've known all my life. He was a good guy, just not good for me. I did the only thing I could to regain control of the situation: I left. I will not let someone deter me from making life situations for myself. I know I want a meaningful, deep committed marriage and not just a wedding. I want to have children the old-fashioned way: through a marriage. I wouldn't have cared if he took me down to City Hall.. All I know is he never did and I'm certainly not going to force him to do something he didn't plan for or isn't ready for. I really love this article and I can totally relate to it.

Jeffrey87 16 months ago

I've been with my gf for over a year and this last week she sent me a text saying that she needs a break from us. Everything has been through a text and I wanted to talk to her in person but she says that she's not ready and that she would of never gone through with it if it hadn't been for that text. In my previous relationship she pressure me to getting married and we had been dating for about a year...and now this feels like deja vu. I told both my last gf and my current one that I don't see myself getting married until I'm 25 or older. But they both tried to change my beliefs about marriage...and so I felt pressured. I'm 23 now and my current gf is 21...she says that all of her friends are getting married or getting engaged. I do love her and she loves me a lot...it's just that I wish that she would respect my wishes and wait until I feel ready for marriage. I'm trying to start my career and I would feel much better if I had a stable job. Also like 9 months into our relationship she wanted to move into an apartment together...but I don't feel ready to make that step because I knew that after a year of living together she would want to get married. I just feel like getting married at an early age is a big mistake. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

texasbaylor 16 months ago

Veronica,

Need your help. Please.

I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over 1.5 years. I'm 30 and he is 28 and we both are successful, indepedent, own our own homes, and come from good families. Problem is, I want to get married and he keeps giving me the "I'm not ready speach".

It gets worse. Are you ready?

Ok, we have broken up several times. I know what you are thinking-but they have all been for the same reason. Committment. First it was his committment level in general and a "schedule" he had me on (when we would see each other). That really did not sit well with me, so I ended it. A month later I was seeing another guy who was VERY nice and I was not on any sort of schedule with him. Turns out, my bf ended up on my door step with every sort of ammunition known to man. He promised and begged and pleaded he would give 100% and that he has a hard time showing his feelings and allowing someone to get close to him. I took him back and we vowed to work on both of our issues togehter.

So, things move forward and we are happy. I begin to mention the "future" because it is imnportant to me and find out- sure he wants to get married, but not any time soon and he doesn't have a specific timeline. Months and months go on and we are happy and having fun. He really is a wonderful person. So around August of last year, I mention a timeline and he freezes up and basically calls me "needy". To make a long story short, I broke it off again, and started seeing another wonderful man who had all his eggs in a row and REALLY liked me. This time, my bf knew he couldn't give me the song and dance to get me back so he basically promised me that we would be engaged before the end of the year. He said he would do it tomorrow, but he wants it to be perfect. He took me to look at rings, the whole nine yards, even started using phrases like "when we get married" or "when we have kids".

End of year came around, and no ring. I confronted him about it and he said he feels forced and is not ready. He said there are things about our relationship that need to be fixed before he makes that sort of committment. Which I feel is a total copout because if that were true, then why didn't he tell me it wasn't going to happen by the end of year like he promised? It's like taking candy from a kid. I was not happy.

Nevertheless, it's been 2 months since our discussion and I promise every song and tv show on tv makes me think of how I am not happy and need to move. I feel like I am "waiting" on him to make a move, but in all honesty I am not sure he ever really will. So what if I wait and then I am not his "one" and I have wasted all this additional time.

I am so in love with this man and I know without a doubt he too is in love. I don't know what "i'm not ready is" in our relationship because I know him and he takes forever to make any decision from buying clothes to changing shampoos. I feel as though if I walk, I may be losing "the one", but if I don't I may be missing out on what it is that I truly want.

And...let's not forget- he is famous for showing up on my doorstep with all sorts of letters, promises, etc that grab my heart. I just can't go through this again and I fear he will "wake up to reality" after we break up and slew a million promises at me that may never come true.

Please, understand, I have dated a lot of frogs. From cheaters, to abusers, to manipulators. He is the first one I trust and can honestly say would be a good husband and father.

Will he ever be ready? Am I hanging on to someone that is unintentionally stringing me along?

Thanks.

Lindsey79 16 months ago

texasbaylor -- the thing the jumped out at me most of all is that he makes these promises, doesn't follow through on them and then you have to confront him about his broken promises. That's a big problem. Not keeping his word on several occasions--BIG problem.

It would be different if he came to you and initiated a discussion where he said that he realized that he had made a promise too rashly and upon further reflection needs to discuss altering that with you. But he hasn't. He just ignores it until you confront him about it. Do you really want to be in this dynamic for the rest of your life? Him making promises, you trusting him, him breaking that trust with no acknowledgment of a change in circumstances? Do you really want to raise kids with such a man? I think this behavior is going to kill any long term trust between you two.

It seems like he just says what's easiest for him at the time to get him what he wants (you back) but has no intention on following through on those promises. He knows what you need and says he's willing to give you that and then balks when the time comes. I personally couldn't deal with such a wishy-washy man. It would kill my respect for him as I feel like I could never trust him or take him at his word.

He may just not be ready and doesn't know how to articulate that. But that's something he has to figure out on his own. You pressuring him isn't going to help. It just results in this craptastic behavior on his part.

If I were you, I'd leave and not take him back unless he had a ring in his hand and agreed to go down the courthouse that instant (and then I'd do just that -- have the fancy wedding, if that's your thing, later). Go on with your life in a positive, empowering way. If he catches up and you're still in a position where you'd consider rekindling something with him, great. If you've moved on, then that's how it goes.

I don't get the feeling that he's meaning to jerk you around or string you along intentionally, but that's the reality of the situation regardless. And that's what you have to accept. Someone may not mean to hit you over the head, but if he keeps doing it accidentally over and over again, the result is still the same -- that you have a bunch of bumps on your head. He's acting like a scared little boy reacting from one situation to the next instead of acting like a man and taking responsibility for his choices and promises.

Perhaps he'll come around in time and can convince you to take him back. Or perhaps he won't. But I think if you wait around anymore on this guy, you're taking a HUGE risk especially if you want to have biological children.

Summy 16 months ago

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. I am ready to get married and have been for quite some time now. He is not. He says he knows it's time to do something and he said this year will be the year. I can't help to think that he's not ready for a reason, I guess because once I knew he was the one I couldn't wait to marry him. I think that since he's not ready that means were not meant to be. I mean if your in love with someone them you can't wait to marry them right? I'm so confused...he tellse he wants to spend the rest of his life withe and he talks about our future all the time and our future kids and everything else... But I can't help but think it's me...I get so upset over this and I just want us to move on in our relationship. I admit I can be pushy sometimes about marriage and such but I just want more to us. I don't know what to do sometimes... Sometimes I think that I should just walk away cause I feel like he'll never be ready but I can't because I'm so in love with him.

confused123 16 months ago

Hi Veronica,

I want to see what you think about my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We are both 27 years old. We don't live together, but we have a great relationship on all levels.

Lately, the marriage issue has come up and it is really starting to bother me. He has made it clear that he is "just not ready" to get married any time soon. He wants to concentrate on his career and get where he wants to be (either making more $ or being more recognized in his profession) before he can think of getting engaged. I don't understand why getting engaged or married would be such a hinderance to his goals. I don't think that you need to choose one or the other. What if he does not get where he wants to be in the next year, or two? I don't know how long I can wait for him and I don't think it's fair.

I want to get married because I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and build our life together. We basically spend most nights together, but I refuse to move in with him unless we are engaged. I feel that if we move in together, there will be no reason for him to want to propose because he is happy with the status quo and not ready for the next step. I feel like he is being selfish because he is thinking only about himself and his career. I am nowhere near where I want to be with my career either, but that does not mean I have to wait until that happens in order to get engaged.

I feel exactly like Summy (post above). Sometimes I also feel like walking away, but then it doesn't make sense because he's the man I want to marry. It doesn't help that almost all of my friends are married, some with kids and I have crazy pressure from my family to get married already. I block it out as much as I can, but it definitely gets to me every now and then.

uggh super frustrated!

nelly 16 months ago

My ex-bf and I live together for 2 years, I left because he was very comfortable having all the benefits and no marriage. I was like a wife for him. It’s taking me too long overcome this pain. I broke up with him almost a year ago. He has looked for me 3 times since we split.

I’m still hoping he calls me again and said he realized his loss and decides to plan a future little by little. He hasn’t had any serious relationship since we split. He told me that he has a lot to offer to me and he has like 5 girls that would die to be with him. He wants to try things with me. The last time I saw him he tried to kiss me and I said no because we are not in a relationship and he got all mad saying that this isn’t going to work for him because we slept together for two years and had sex thousands of times and I told him that is not going to work for me either because he doesn’t have the intention to be my bf first , since we broke up he completely forgot about me and only called me three times. He wants his cake, after he eats his cake he wants to be my boyfriend. And don’t really agree with that. I think he hasn’t showed me he wants to reestablish a serious relationship again. I think he calls me only when all the girls he is dating are not what he is looking for and feels lonely and calls back. He said that if I was his wife he would have never let me go and would have pull me from my hair back home.. Kinda aggressive ha? Now I haven’t talked to him for 2 more months and don’t know what to do.

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Nelly -- Let him go. You aren't moving on with your life. If you're still waiting for him to call you and ask you back, you're not moving forward at all. It seems to me that you're in a no-win situation. He's not offering you what you need for a relationship to go forward -- i.e. marriage or something with a marriage plan. Why are you even talking to him?

I know it's painful to break up and leave something that was once good in the past, or to let go of that hope/dream of a future with someone you once loved. But if you know that it's not enough for you, that's what you have to do. You've got to accept the reality of the situation -- that he isn't asking you back or to marry you. Keeping one foot in the past and one foot in the future never works. You've got to let him go so you can move forward with your life.

It would be a different situation if he were coming to you, realizing what he's lost and wanting to marry you, but he's not doing that. I think you're right on that he's only using you as some sort of crutch when he's feeling lonely or unsatisfied in other areas of his life.

Pick yourself up, realize that you deserve more than this half-love he is offering you. Take some time off to heal if you need it -- focus on yourself. Go the gym, take up a new hobby or class, join a local softball team, etc. Rejuvenate your social life, reconnect with and invest in the friends you already have. And then when you're ready, start dating again and look for someone that wants the same things out of life you do.

Dealing with your ex is just throwing good money after bad. Cut ties and move on!

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Confused123 -- A couple of things. First, I totally hear what you're saying about feeling frustrated and that it's not fair. It's really frustrating when you feel like you're on the same track, moving along together and then all of sudden he's saying he's not ready. But, I'd ask you to evaluate these feelings. Has he promised something and now is not living up to that promise? Or is it just that you are both not on the same page (and it's only become apparent recently)?

I'm guessing it's likely the latter -- that you felt like you were both on the same page, but it doesn't sound that way (this was more of an assumption on your part than a mutually agreed upon plan and timeline that he's backing out of now). If that's the case, then it really isn't an issue of fairness. You're both entitled to feel exactly the way that you do -- that you want to take the next step and get married whereas he wants to get his career in line before even contemplating marriage. There is no right or wrong in that, just different totally valid preferences.

I too don't understand why guys put such a big emphasis on getting their career established before marriage. I think and feel like you do on the matter, but I know for a lot of guys, this is the way they work. I'm not sure if it's because they feel a greater pressure to be a good provider and until they get there, they don't feel comfortable having a wife or starting a family. Or if it's just because they're very linear (unlike women that tend to be more comfortable multi-tasking) and need to get one thing done (i.e. career) before turning attention to personal issues like relationships.

At this point, I'd say that you need to drop your whole idea of fairness or being upset that your ideas on marriage aren't exactly the same. Talk to him, explain where you're at, find out where he's at and see if there is some way you can meet in the middle -- perhaps slowing down your timeline to accommodate him and he accelerating his timeline to accommodate you. That's the key -- that you're both willing to understand one another's needs and bend to accommodate one another. You can't push just your timeline and wants; and he can't just consider his either. If either one of you does this, then you're not very good partners as you'd be more concerned about getting what you want rather than balance that with making sure your partner's needs are met too.

You may come to the point where you simply aren't able to meet in the middle -- that your needs are fundamentally incompatible. At that point, you'll just have to ask yourself whether you're willing to wait or start to look for someone with more compatible life goals and timeline.

I know this is very frustrating and can be heartbreaking. But this really isn't something you can control or push on to him, because even if he gives in, it won't be for the right reasons and he may very much come to resent you for it. I wish you the best and hope that you two can work it out so that you can both find a way to get what you want/need.

buddhabelly07 16 months ago

i need help!

so, i'm 23 years old and he is 37. we've been together for only 2 years. he says he would NEVER like to get married. "A couple should be together as long as they want to be together"-him

we both come from reasonably broken homes but i would like to give it a shot. i want to get married within the next 3 years. i know i'm young to have the baby itch but i want a kid and marriage with him. before 30 is fine with me. should i wait to break it off and just enjoy my time with him? or it is a waste of time since i know he doesn't want to get married? should i break it off now or later? kids aren't off the table for him. he wants kids if we can have the resources- the financial resources. to have that he might have to give up his dreams (he's a full time musician in a dying industry but might still have a chance as he was just signed to a record contract one year ago), which both him and i refuse that he do. so, maybe both kids and marriage isn't possible (with a guy that isn't getting any younger)?

Maria Gonzales 16 months ago

Veronica or Lindsey,

I dated a guy, a divorcee with a child for 2 years. I am 33, want to get married and have a baby, I made it clear since day 1 and he made it clear that he wants the same at the beginning. It all started when he was going through his divorce. We knew each others since almost ten years and we used to fancy each other since then. When his marriage started to fall apart he tried to contact me several times. I did not give it a chance until I knew he started his divorce procedures. He was passing through the dilema of divorce and custody of child and I was a his advisor and lover at the same time. He broke up with me 3 times during the 2 years saying he is not ready for a serious relationship and begged me to return to him the first time saying he loves me and that I am the marrying type. The second time he promised we will get married and announced it to all our friends and came close to my family then broke up, The third time he begged me to return to him due to the fact that I was about to date a very nice guy. He interfered and ruined everything, and again said he is getting the ring and we will get married soon. I waited 2 month and no ring. We talked and still he is not ready, he said he worked hard on himself to make this step but he couldn't yet and asked me to stay with him and that he loves me and doesn't want to loose me. I did not accept, I left him a month and a half ago and guess what, he is dating another girl. Please explain. Does he love me? What happened? I am in choc. Is he revenging?teaching me a lesson? Does he really like this girl, I know she is not his type at all

what to do? 16 months ago

Veronica/Lindsay,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. We did go on a break for a couple weeks at one point, but ended up getting back together. I think both of us knew it was not really over. I'm 23 and he's 25, and we both love each other very much and have reached an even deeper understanding of each other in the time since our brief split (9 months ago). Both of us are at uncertain points in our lives regarding career choice, finances and living on our own (both still live with our parents). We both just graduated from university, but are not sure what we want to do next. I've decided not to pursue a career in the field I studied, and we've both talked about temporarily moving away for school. For me it might be this fall.

We've talked about having a long-distance relationship for awhile, even a couple years if necessary, and we feel it will work even though it will suck to be away from one another. He says he can't imagine trusting another girl more than me, and I feel the same way about him.

The problem for me lies in his inability to commit long-term. Why is it so hard for him to say I'm the one he wants to be with forever? Lately all my friends have been getting married, and while I agree we're not in any position to do that right now, I have told him I see myself getting married in the next five or six years. We also have some very different opinions about things like living together first (he absolutely wants to, I really don't like the idea) and sex (I'm waiting till I'm married. Although this hasn't been too big of a problem, because although it's not his belief, he is willing to wait for sex because it's so important to me).

Is it selfish of me to want him to be able to tell me after a year and a half that I'm the one for him and he wants to get married someday, to me? He keeps saying he's not sure yet, he's confused about whether we're the right fit for each other, and that we should just live in the moment more and have fun being young people in love. He says the only thing he knows for sure is that he loves me. I'm just worried that we don't want the same things in life, and both of us might be wasting our time when we could be happier with someone else. But it's so hard, because we have so many good things together despite the unresolved differences. I've never felt more comfortable in someone's company (most of the time) and he's said before he feels the same way. We have little jokes together that no one else understands. Those are small but important things to me. I don't know what to do - should I even be thinking of throwing everything away so quickly? Please help.

JoanV.. 16 months ago

Me and my boyfriend been on and off for about 4 years we have a little girl 1yr old. But he's more interested in buying a brand new car. He doesn't want to get married. That makes me feel insecure. What should I do????

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Maria,

Wow. I'm not sure I can answer all your questions, but I think I can get down to what is ultimately important: he isn't keeping his promises/word to you. End game.

I can understand him not wanting to be in a serious relationship for some time after his divorce. This is pretty normal -- most folks need time to grieve and mourn the end of the relationship. Some are able to do this during the end of the marriage and the divorce just makes it final, so they're ready to move once the divorce is official. However, I think these folks are the exception rather than the rule. I think it often takes most people a period of adjustment after a divorce, to grieve/mourn/accept the end of their marriage and then to find their new balance and place in the world before they can even begin to think about another serious relationship and potential life partner.

Ultimately, I think he used you as an emotional crutch and companion during this very difficult time of this life. He may have not done this with ill intention, but it's a common occurrence when someone is in a state of crisis (much like how a rebound works after someone is shattered from the end of a relationship). When someone is in such a vulnerable place as the end of a marriage or the death of a very close loved one, they often reach out to and bond with people during this very difficult time. However, you can't really trust that when they come out of it and regain their balance and composure in life, that the relationship/friendship won't drastically change.

My gut is that he cares for you and is very grateful for all the support you gave him during his divorce, and may even be able to recognize that you're an amazing lady -- one that is the "marrying type". But he's also being very clear with you in some ways -- he is telling you in word and action that he is not ready to be in a serious relationship, and given his circumstances, this should not be surprising.

I think he'd like to be ready to consider marriage again or at the very least wants to make you happy and that's why he gives you all these promises about marriage, but in the end, he just can't bring himself to do it. And that's the key.

Plus, his three broken promises/break-ups also shows that he doesn't take his word/promises to you very seriously. Already, he's broken his word and promises to you 3 times! Do you really want a husband that can so easily promise something extremely important and then not follow through? To me, this says that he's trying to get what he wants (i.e. you back) but without considering the effect of what you want (i.e. marriage). To me, such a pattern would kill any foundation of trust.

I'd suggest you move on and seek out someone that is ready and looking to marry. Although he may love you and care for you deeply, this guy is not even close to that and who knows when, if ever, he will be again. Since you're 33 and want to have kids, you can't waste any more time on someone that is very clearly not on the same timeline as you are. I know it hurts, and it stinks. But that's all you can do --- accept the truth of the situation and seek out someone who is on the same time line and who follows through on his word/promises. Best of luck!

Helen 16 months ago

Hi Veronica,

This page came up when I was googling some thoughts on whether to buy a house before getting married and I’ve read through these questions and answers with great interest… I wouldn’t mind knowing what you think of my situation, one where I truly believe he’s being serious when he says he’s not ready ‘yet’.

He’s 25, I’m 24. We’ve been together for a year, but have known each other for about 5 years. It was one of those situation where we both liked each other, but kept missing the opportunity where we were both single to actually start a relationship… In hindsight, I’m glad that we were both delayed, it allowed us to make our mistakes with previous partners and understand what we were both looking for.

We’ve been living together for about 10 months. It felt right for both of us to make this step when we did, and it’s still right. We have a fantastic relationship, we rarely bicker or argue [and when we do we always reach a compromise, never shout or yell at each other], we agree on all the major decisions in a relationship [e.g. believe that we will get married at some point, both want children down the track and tend to agree how we’d raise them etc]… We’ve had very similar upbringings, even to the point where our parents have become great friends since meeting each other, and they spend a lot of time together!

I know in my heart that he is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with. I know he feels the same way not only because he’s told me that, but because he’s shown me that he wants me in his future through things like opening a joint savings account for a home loan deposit, purchasing a car together, getting a pet, talking about having children with me etc.

We’re looking at buying a house in 6 months time because we’re sick of throwing money away into rent when we could be putting it into something that we own. We’ve discussed marriage before, many times and I know that at some point he does want to marry me, but he says that he’s not ready yet. He says that buying a house is a lot easier for him to absorb because, as he said, he knows he is going to live with me for the rest of his life, and if there is a list of figures saying that it’s a good investment for our future, then it’s really easy to make sense of and decide to do it. Marriage, on the other hand, he said he needs more time to get his head around.

Buying a house before getting married feels like it’s the wrong order to do things in for me, but I don’t actually have a reason why, it’s just that – a feeling… I’ve had a Catholic upbringing and it’s probably a throwback to that, to be honest. I want to marry him because it feels like the logical next step in our relationship… We’ve both decided that we’ve found our life partner, and I want to make that official, and I know he does too, just not yet. I know 100% that this will happen at some point, but do you think that there is any reason why two people shouldn’t buy a house before getting married?

Helen

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Helen -- If my opinion is at all useful, I say trust your instincts in this one. I'm in agreement with you on not buying a house prior to marriage. That's where I drew the line with my fiance -- no kids and no house until we're married (he was of the same mindset). Buying a house with someone is a big commitment. Perhaps not as big as having kids or getting married, but it's up there.

You guys really haven't been together that long -- only a year -- and you're on the younger side being 24 and 25. Given those two facts, I'm not surprised that your bf isn't quite ready to get married. Though I am a little surprised that he's interested in buying a house with you. That would indicate to me that he's likely on the marriage path. But consider these two things:

1. There is nothing wrong with buying a house prior to marriage, but as Veronica has pointed out over and over again in her hubs, when you give your guy all that he wants, it reduces the incentive for him to marry you. Buying a house before marriage tells him that he can have the live-in gf and house without the commitment of marriage. You see women that even have kids with their bf before marriage and then wonder why he won't marry them. Why should he? You're already giving him everything he wants. You're teaching him that it's okay to get what he wants while disregarding what you want (i.e. marriage). Before you do this, just really consider that. Will you grow to resent him -- that you've given him so much and it doesn't seem like he's stretching himself to give you what you want? If that is at all a possibility, don't do it. Hold some of your cards back. Don't invest yourself so much on your own -- let him meet you part of the way (perhaps an engagement?).

2. If this relationship doesn't work out, it is much more difficult to separate if you jointly own a house. If you choose to buy the house together, go to a lawyer and get a rock-solid tenants-in-common or similar agreement in place. One that lays out how you will handle things if you break up. I know it's not fun to think about, but you must. If you both can't acknowledge this possibility and plan accordingly, then you're not ready to buy real property together.

Breaking up a household after you've been living together can be very difficult emotionally. I've been there. It was devastating. But having to figure out how to divide up a house would have made it so much harder, especially if neither of you can afford it easily on your own. Please, be smart and protect yourself.

Personally, I'd suggest letting him buy the house and you pay rent to him (or vice versa). If you get married, then there is no harm as the house can be contributed to the marriage. If you don't, then you won't be tied to a dead relationship via joint ownership in a house. You can split the household much more easily and make a clean break. If one of you can't afford the house on your own, this may also be a sign that it's simply too early for you to buy a house as a non-married couple.

Once again, I personally wouldn't buy a house before marriage. It would make me feel too vulnerable and invested without the safety of the commitment made in marriage. I think you should follow your instincts on this one. Best of luck to you.

tina76 16 months ago

I came across your page through my search for answers and I found it really useful with well balanced answers so I wanted to put my story out there and see what ur opinion is...i've been in my relationship for 8 years I broke it off twice....the first time three-four years in because he continuously asked for an open relationship cuz he felt like he was missing out but didnt want to lose me... we started when he was 18 and i was his first, he wasnt mine...so he was having that itch which I understood and walked away... 6 months later he came back to me telling me that its over he wanted us to be together and it was all great for a year...then he started avoiding me and it felt unusual...i kept asking whats wrong he never admitted to anything and i broke up with him again that was two year ago....a year aago he came back to me telling me that he was ready to change to talk things through and be there for me and he admitted that he cheated on me in a one night stand, which made sense to why he was being weird before i walked away...now its a year in things have completely changed were much more open no longer argue and communicate well...except on one issue which is marriage were 27 now and a year ago he said that he was ready to get married i brought it up recently for him to say he is not ready to get married because he's worried about moving away from his dad, his dad is elderly and needs the care...in our culture its normal for him to be still living at home...of course i do and will help him im not a girl to take a a man away from his family but it feels like there's more to it than that...cause his dad will need him for the next ten years atleast and we wont be living more than a 5 min drive away so it doesnt make sense which ive told him and he agreed.... he's worried and i get that...but im just worried that im being a fool here? i know he loves me he's a good man he can easily get women so its not an insecurity issue he cheated but i saw the shame and guilt in his eyes i trust that he wont do it again, but he has a major commitment issue both his parents divorced remarried each other but have major issues(but still together for society status)...his sisiter is divorced so i get that he's scared...should i push or let go? im giving myself a year if nothing official happens i am gonna start thinking of walking away but i needed someone elses point of view....obviously this is just a glimpse of an 8 yr relationship that has a lot of good too and i havent mentioned my mistakes....never cheated but i have had my issues im not perfect, though i have been in therapy for two years and still in therapy.... i am ready for the next step i do want kids but i want them with him not just anyone, so its not mrriage or im out...i dont want it with just anyone.....but im afraid ill end up a bitter heartbroken women if i wait too long because he's scared... ive known he's the one for years and ive been waiting...but i dont want to resent him, which im starting to....any advice?

thanks

T

moongirl_277 16 months ago

ok.. Here's a more complicated thing. He proposed with a ring and all, but then he says that he's not ready to get married yet and he doesn't even think about marriage at this point in his life. And I wonder why on earth would he propose if he's not ready for it? (and no I didn't push him into it! i hardly ever speak about weddings etc). He got me all excited (I mean every woman would feel the same way if the man she loved asked her to marry him) and now I just have to wait until he feels ready.

Of course he has had some serious issues in the past with women and I'm afraid that he's not feeling really comfortable to open up. He takes a step forward and a thousand steps back. To begin with his mother left him when he was 3 and he hasn't seen her ever since. He had to grow up with his father who was not around much and does not treat him well even if he doesn't want to admit it. Then he met a girl he really loved and he ended up broken hearted. And then I came along and I can see that he really loves me but I can also see that he's really scared. He won't open up, but the few times he does I sense how hurt he still is from everything that's happened to him. He shows me that he loves me and all but how do I make him trust me when he's been through so much and he feels like no woman can trully love him? And what are the odds that this relationship will succeed?

mary 16 months ago

Dear Lindsey/Veronica Ive been with my boyfriend for two years and he tells me that he doesnt want to get marry is not sure wheter he ever would want to live with me or have kids.He thinks that it is selfish to bring children in the world and does not want to live with me because he is scared that he'll need a lot of time alone as he is an introvert.As for marriage he doesnt believe in it and doesnt think that a certificate should proof anyones love.What hurts me the most is that he is so caring and kind and treats me like his princess and is so good to me.He is a bit complicated but he keeps telling me that he loves me so much and his actions show this for real .Its not just buying stuff or anything even if Im sick ,need to talk he is always there .He walks me down the bus stage and is very respectable.What should I do ..thanks:)

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Mary -- I think your situation is very simple, though you may not like to hear it. Your bf is being very honest and clear with you -- he does not want to get married. He does not and will not marry you or anyone else -- and has told you just that. That's the good news. He's not confusing you with a lot of this, "I'd like to marry you one day, I think, but just not yet..." sort of stuff. He's made it very clear where he stands and what you should expect from him -- no marriage and no kids.

So now, you just have to decide how important marriage is to you. Do you want to be married or be with him? If you want to be married and have children, then you need to leave him and look for someone that wants those things too as your bf does not want these things. I know it's hard to love someone but have to face the reality that you want different things in life and therefore are not ultimately compatible even though you love each other deeply. However, if you can be happy and fulfilled with your relationship as it is, without marriage and kids, then stay and appreciate all the good things you listed about your relationship.

I know it may not be a decision you want to make, but he has really done as much as a man possibly can do to let you know exactly how he feels. Now, you just have to decide how you feel and act accordingly. Best of luck!

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Moongirl -- you've got a doozy. I think you already understand the situation quite well -- that he loves you but is terrified (likely of loving someone that he could ultimately lose or be abandoned by -- I'd guess it's a fear of abandonment). I'd look at the ring as him trying to tell you that he loves you, but then pulling back because he's freaking out.

I think your bf has some major, very deep-seated issues -- the type of issues that aren't going to be worked out very well on his own. I'd strongly urge you to see if you can get him to go to counseling -- either as part of a couple (that may be less threatening if you're willing to be a participant, couching it as a joint issue to explore rather than some problem he has that needs to be fixed, but follow his lead on this) or as an individual. Some folks start off as a couple, but then realize that one or both could also benefit from some individual therapy.

I think you nailed it on the head -- that he may not be allowing himself to be loved, and this isn't something you can change. Only he can change it, and likely will need professional help to do so.

What to do if nothing changes? that's a harder question. You can stick around and try to help him through this -- only you know how long you can do that for. If he were willing to see a therapist to help work through these issues and can understand that they're hurting your relationship and you, then I'd think there is some hope. But if he isn't willing to do that, I'm not sure what else you can do. You can't force someone to help themselves. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. You can only help those that want and welcome help.

Personally, if I didn't see any signs that he was trying to work on these issues, not only for himself, but for you and the relationship (like going to therapy or reading self-help books on these topics or opening up to you more), I'd probably not hang around for long because that would not be a fulfilling enough relationship for me. But that's ultimately a decision only you can make. Best of luck!

Alequin 16 months ago

I have a girlfriend and we have been dating for 1 year and 1 month she lives with her parents at the moment and she is not independent....im 23 shes 20....I work hard on 2 different jobs to have my house, my car and to be able to have all those expenses to take my GF out and visit different places around the city......I used to do many activities, sports, gym, painting, playing instruments and usually liked my alone time.....and since I met her I have enjoyed being with her we always have a great time....she is really sweet and she is the type of person that will support the things I think or ideas and admires me and obviously who wouldnt love that......I have tried to get my GF into those activities that I like and some of them we do together and helps me with others......so summarize it she is great, we spend lots of time together I completely stopped partying or going out and I dont really mind it that much BUTTTTTT the problem is that whatever her family does she has to do since she lives with them...so she now tells me that her parents are planning to go back to Mexico like on March or April and that what are we going to do about it??? she can be really sensitive or take something the wrong way and get upset if anything seems like I doubt being with her or the way I might answer her questions....so I have said well stay with me but she says that she cant do that to her parents because they have always supported her and it would be an insult to them to move in with someone like that (hispanic culture is usually picky about that) and to move out would be through marriage and she tells me that she doesnt really care about a wedding or anything and that she definitely wants to spend the rest of her life with me......and I tell her that she is old enough and she can make that decision and just move in and can even see if thats what she really likes before making that big of a step.....and then she answers that what is the big deal and that it is just a piece of paper to make her parents comfortable that she left in good terms and make them feel like she is secure with someone and not just moving in with a guy....and she even has told me that why am i so worried about getting married if worst case scenario we can just get a divorce if it becomes a terrible relationship.......I am an ambitious person have many goals in life and have let go many things for her or to be with her......have even offers for jobs at places or cities I wanted to move and have done nothing about it because she has made me feel comfortable being with her and I do enjoy it......have not regreted any decision I have made in life....almost always make the best and right decisions and get what I want but this time I feel if I take this step I might just keep in mind its a bad idea and that im only making it so I can keep her here......I know she loves me for me since im obviously not rich or have anything that I could worry on getting married and then divorced....but it just bothers me that I have to make that decision to keep her......but I feel she manipulates it in a certain way cause it seems like she is pushing it and then says but no im not trying to get married im just letting you know and its ok I can move back to Mexico and visit every now and then till you feel ready and while im in mexico I can finish college or something and ill wait for you for maybe a year but if its more than that then ill know that youre telling me to move on and ill understand........and yes im afraid of losing her....she nows me better than any girl ive dated and she is the only one that I have lasted this long cause I usually get tired or bored....so she might be the one and I really believed that .......but right now im not 100% sure and take decisions really carefully and plan them reallly carefully.......so what do you think I should do?

Lindsey79 16 months ago

Alequin -- You're very young. I won't say too young to get married as some people do get married very young and make it, but the majority of people that get married young, do not do well -- and that makes sense. You're both still in big growth years. Who she is at 20 may not be who she is at 30 -- that's very common for most of us. So to make such a big life decision at such a young age is not very wise.

I understand that you don't want to lose her, but she's not in a place to get married yet either. If her family were not moving to Mexico, would she be pushing the idea of marriage? And really, why is she pushing the idea of marriage? Because she wants to be with you the rest of your lives? Wants to make the next step, perhaps start a family? No, she wants to do it to make her family "comfortable". She wants to do it so she can move out of her parents' home and stay with you without upsetting her family. This isn't a good enough reason to get married.

I understand different cultures can can have different views on such things, but they shouldn't be what drives two people to get married. Your gf is more concerned about upsetting her family than what is best for the two of you. She speaks of divorce casually -- another sign that she isn't taking marriage very seriously. She's not ready to be a partner.

Plus, she's never been out on her own either. If you went along with her arrangement, she'd be going from being a dependent in her father's house to being a dependent in your house -- from daughter to wife, with no-in between to just be her and find out who that woman is. This is also big red flag, as she will need time to figure out herself as well.

My advice is not to get married. Try to figure out another arrangement. Offer to help her get a place of her own, perhaps talk to her father about it together. Does she have any other family in the area she could stay with, aunt, cousin or close family friend? If not, then I'd suggest trying to do as she suggested beforehand with a long distance relationship with her visiting from Mexico and you visiting her. Long distance relationships are definitely very hard, but if you're meant to be together, you will find a way to make it work.

I say trust your instincts on this one. You don't want to get married right now, and that's a totally legitimate view to have. Don't rush into it because of pressure from your gf, her family or the general circumstances. Please come back and let us know how it works out---best of luck!

Kelly 16 months ago

Hey Lindsey,

Seems like you are the advice giver now so I'd appreciate some :) My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years - he has even moved cities with me when I got promoted.

About 8 months ago, we picked out and bought a ring but he never actually proposed. We'd talked a few times about it and he just kept saying it didn't feel like the right time, etc. Finally, it came down to he doesn't really want to get married, doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want to make the commitment in case it doesn't end well.

I am trying to really understand why I want to get married. I think a lot of it is pressure from others - I am 32, we have been together so long - it just feels like what we SHOULD be doing and I am tired of others asking me. But I also think there is part of me that just feels insecure about our relationship and wants some reassurance.

Where do we go from here? Is it possible for me to get that reassurance another way?

The other thing is that I know he has some pretty big issues - his dad died when he was young and there is a pretty big pattern of times when he has had something good (job, friends, etc) and he has pretty much ruined it for himself. It's like he doesn't feel like he deserves it. He is very pessimistic - he had started taking anti-depression meds months ago but it hasn't done much good. So I feel like I have to take all of that into consideration as well.

What do I do? We talked today and thought it might be best to just split up. He said he knows he can't give me what I want but I think he can. I love him so much and truly can't imagine my life without him. Help!

Lost 15 months ago

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years. Due to financial reasons we moved in together almost immediately upon dating (we had known each other for a while prevoiusly). He has quite a bit of money, and I don't have financial trouble, but I'm not nearly as well off as he is. I've thought that maybe this is the reason he's afraid of marrying me, that I'll somehow take his money and run, but I've offered to sign a pre-nup.

He is 35 and I am 26. We are best friends. We hardly ever fight, but when we do it's about really serious issues, such as marriage. Neither of us want children, however I would really like to be his wife. He thinks that marriage is not for him, because it would "change who he is", and I guess I just want to know for sure that he is commited to me forever.

He has really stuck with me through a deep depression, suicide attempts, and he has supported me through medical issues such as epilepsy (these things are being treated by a doctor, and I am about 2 1/2 year out of the depression). I know this alone should prove to me that he would stick with me, but for some reason I just feel the need to have a rock on my finger and I don't want to be called "girlfriend" anymore.

I really hate telling him that not getting married upsets me, because I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't feel comfortable doing, but I also don't want to give up my wants either. Thing is, I've thought about it for about a year, and I don't want to get married, I want to marry him. You're sopposed to marry your best friend. But what do you do when they don't want to marry you? I just want to get over wanting it, so I can be happy and so can he.

Lindsey79 15 months ago

Lost -- I think your situation is somewhat easy, at least in concept, though difficult in execution. You just have to decide what you want more -- to be married or to be with him and remain unmarried.

It seems like your boyfriend is being very clear about what he wants -- and that's not marriage. I personally think the fear of it changing him is sort of a cop-out; all things in life change us to some degree. But it definitely looks like he does not want to make the change from boyfriend to husband for whatever his reasons are, and those are totally valid preferences. Although he's stuck with you through some very difficult times, you don't say too much about his intentions towards the future or building any sort of life together. I gather he likes things just as they are and doesn't want them to change. Is that enough for you?

So you just have to decide whether things as they are now are good enough for you too. If they are, then perhaps getting married isn't that important to you. But if you feel like you'll start to resent him or want more, then better to be honest with yourself (and him) sooner rather than later. Search your soul and you'll find your answer, even if it's not the one you want.

Eschina 15 months ago

I hope this is finally a breakup. But however, I can't stop crying. I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday the day before valentines's day. I have read your comments hoping to make myself feel better. When I first met my boyfriend he had joined the army. It told him from the start that I want to get married. I really wanted to be a military wife at the tme. But I refuse to live with any man without marriage because I consider it to be "the next best thing to rape." In order words, he can sleep with you all he wants and never have to "put a ring on it." So I look at this matter in a sexual and religious manner. It is just not acceptible to be. A lot of people were getting married in the military. Even his best friend proposed to his girlfriend and married right before he went to Iraq. I thought I would get that dream. It didn't happen. After Iraq, and after leaving the military he moved to Florida. But I met him in Massachusetts where he lived before. He wants me to move to Florida to live with him, but I won't live with any man w/o marriage. So we've been long distance for eight years. When I finished nursing school, a lot of people I knew were getting married, but it did't happen to be. So I've been tring to break up with him for year. Now it has been 8 years. He refuses to let it happen. Last Easter I told him I want to get married this Easter. Then he told me "you're not ready, I'm not ready, we're not ready." I have two bachelor's degree, so I have no idea why he would say that I'm not ready. Well he never attended college. So we have different education. If I tell him I want to breakup, he would change the topic and ask me "so did you work today." I finally told him I know whe doen't have early dementia. So I need him to respond to what I'm talking about. So he finally okayed the breakfup (for now I guess because that is what he does.) It is like "the dead don't die." I finally learned to tell him that we are not compatible because compatibility means two people want the same thing. He even tried to help me get pregnant but he doen's want to marry. I am now 31 years old and he wasted a great deal of my life by not letting us breakup. The reason I prefer to marry him, is because I am confident we would have a great marriage together. I am looking to seek therapy because of the emotional damage.

Megan 15 months ago

I have been dating this guy for 4 years. He says he loves me, he's fine with sex, but he doesn't come to see me more than three times a month. He won't spend the night with me at all, and he likes to be difficult with me. I get so frustrated with the situation and I don't know what to do. I'm completely crushed. Please help.

Lindsey79 15 months ago

Megan -- Dump the guy, provided that you want more from this "relationship". To me, it sounds like it's not much more than a booty call from his end. No guy that loves you wants to see you only 3 times a month (unless there are other circumstances you aren't describing -- like in the military and only gets 3 days off base per month) or never wants to spend the night. If you're fine with such a limited arrangement/booty call, then fine. But it sounds like you want more. If you want more, dump the guy and find someone that wants more too.

cinthia 15 months ago

Hi, Veronica,

Six months ago I broke up with my then boyfriend because we had different views on our plans for the future. Basically he was not sure if he wanted to get married anytime soon after 3 years of a long distance relationship (we live in different cities but saw each other every weekend). He is 28 and I am 34. I completely understood we were at different times in our lives and we broke up amicably. It has been pretty hard on both of us since we love each other a lot but I decided to break up and move on out of respect for both of us. I told him to only come after me if he felt I was the one for him and if I was still available we could take it from there but that I could not give him any guarantees and that I would not wait for him. One month ago he called me and said he missed me a lot but still was not ready. I asked him if he did not have strong enough feelings or he had not enjoyed his single years enough. He said he loves me deeply but has not enjoyed his single years enough. Is that really possible? I am having the hardest time moving on since I believed he was the "one". What do you think? I would really like to hear your opinion on this one, my head seems to be in the right place but I am in deep emotional pain. Thanks.

Lindsey79 15 months ago

Cinthia,

I'm not Veronica, but I've been exactly where you are, and it's horrible and incredibly painful. The lesson I learned is that it's not about you or your love for each other, but really about him. No matter how much he loves you, if he's not ready to commit, there is nothing else you can do about it. It may be fear of commitment, responsibility or just loving the single life -- whatever it is, it doesn't really matter because you can't do anything to change it.

I know as a woman, I get caught in the idea of "well if he only loved me enough..." because, frankly, there is nothing I wouldn't do for someone I loved so it all makes perfect sense to me. But I also don't have a fear of commitment -- finding a partner that will have your back seems great, not something that's threatening or would limit my fun or freedom. But to others (especially men), being responsible for someone else in any way is just scary and limiting (the whole ball and chain thing). You have to think about and consider someone else besides just yourself and that freaks a lot of guys out. I see it as a huge bonus rather than a limitation, but I guess that's a common divide between Mars and Venus.

I think you've done all that you can do, and handled it perfectly. If he ever shows up with a ring, then you have something to talk about. If not, you've moved on or working on moving on and you're no longer investing in something that isn't going anywhere.

I know it's really, really painful. It was for me too -- incredibly so! Mourning the end of something that doesn't really have to end is really, really hard to do. But as Veronica has said on multiple occasions, you can't open a new door until you close the old one. You can't start something new until you let go of and end the old.

Perhaps, he'll come around--hard to say. I know with my ex he did, he even asked me to marry him. Unfortunately, our break up wasn't amicable or honorable -- he cheated on me and it was devastating (I'm a fiercely loyal person). So even though he eventually came around on the commitment issue and valued that which he lost/threw away, it was too late because the trust had been obliterated and I could no longer respect him for having been such a lying coward. Had he not cheated on me, I think we would have gotten back together and been married today. He says it's the greatest regret of his life. But so is life...

I know it's hard moving on from someone you thought was "The One". But really look at that. Would The One do this to you? Would The One not want you in his life forever? Wouldn't The One want to claim you as his? If he was super young or you'd only been dating a short time, it may be different, but he's 28 and you've been together for 3 years. If he was saying that he wanted you to live together or proposing a sacrifice so you could live together, I'd at least think that was going in the right direction. But he isn't. He likes the relationship as it is and doesn't want to change it. I know he may look like The One in a lot of ways, but if he doesn't have the dealbreaker issues (i.e. wants to marry you), then he's not The One, despite how much he may look like it otherwise.

I had the same feelings with my ex. He looked like The One in so many ways. Could I just get past the cowardice and deceit of the lying and cheating? Could I just rationalize it away as being a bad reaction to being scared (knowing I was leaving soon if there was no proposal)? I had a lot of soul searching to do on it, and I ultimately decided that being scared is understandable, but choosing to react to it with lying and deceit is not. I didn't want to be with someone that reacted to fear or difficult emotional situations with that sort of selfishness and lack of character. So, ultimately, he wasn't The One though he looked like it in so many other ways. I suggest you may benefit from a similar altering of your perspective on the ex--seeing what's really there, warts and all, rather than just what you want to see or wish was there. You too may one day realize that he really wasn't The One either.

I wish you all the best. Know that you deserve someone that wants you in his life as much as you want him in yours. Someone that will be a partner through thick and thin. Your ex isn't that person, at least not right now. Value yourself and one with value will seek you out as well.

renee 15 months ago

what about when there is a child involved. it seems the easy answer is to leave a man who doesn't want to be married, but it breaks my heart to think of taking my daughter away.

it also sickens me to think that in basic conversation with people i refer to him as my daughter's father. or say stuff like her daddy instead of my boyfriend. I think it implies i let some stupid ass have sex without protection. I don't want clients thinking that of me. Protection isn't %100 all the time and that's how I am in this situation.

My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to either of us and he is a wonderful daddy. We have been together for 4 yrs now. Living as a family, we have been thru hell and back from pregnancy to here. He pressured me to have an abortion and has lied about stupid stuff and one big thing. We have been close to splitting. I have packed everything up, but when it's time to take my daughter out of bed. I just can't do it. On a recent holiday I was heading out to see my friends and he said he wanted a break. On my way home I called to tell him he better leave then I'd be home soon so he should be packed up. He never left and we talked a bit. He couldn't say that he wanted to be with me. That freaks me out so bad but it's like he does it just to push my buttons.

Things haven't always been the best. From my perpective he hasn't given me a chance. I'm actually a really cool girlfriend that he could tell anything to as long as it was the truth. I wouldn't care if he was hanging out with an ex if he had told me. Instead I get told that he "forgot" to tell me. Which makes me angry and suspicious. It's like his actions and behaviors are driving me to be exactly what he is afraid to commit to. He says he lied because I would act like "this" and I know damn well that I would not have acted like "this" if I wasn't lied to about something I wouldn't have cared that he did in the first place.

All that's besides the point. He doesn't want to get married because that's what people do and he's always wanted to be different. Like it's a social institution that's stupid. He knows how important it is to me and that it's not fair to stay with me forever without marrying me. He says he is faithful to me, but it makes me wonder because not getting married seems an excuse to have a back out plan so he doesn't have to be faithful. I was like you're prerequisite for a life partner is not who the person is, it's that you need someone who doesn't want to get married ever. Good luck with that buddy. The end of one of our conversations he said there is a possibility we could get married if things go good for a while. I'm not sure if he just said that to shut me up. This was the day that he was supposed to take a break, but wouldn't go to his mom's house, or anywhere and wanted to still live at home... Am I crazy, or is this really stupid?

In all this I don't know where love is. It was there, when we're intimate it's definately there. but he's done all the worst things to me anyone has ever done. At least all my previous relationships the partner could say they wanted to be with me. That's the worst to just invalidate everything. I think he has mental problems. He just says I'm here aren't I? For as much of an ass as he can be he is a good person and he really does alot for me and our family. It's like he shows his love thru actions and can't talk about his feelings. He'll park my car, change cat litter, do all the dishes, my daughter's laundry.

Any attempt at getting to his thoughts and feelings leads to him saying a bunch of nasty things he doesn't really mean just to get off track or keep from telling me what he feels. We talked about counseling and he said he couldn't go together because he would have to hold back. I wonder what would he be holding back. I just don't get it.

I don't know if I have an actual question, I'm just lost in my thoughts today. Wondering if my family has a future or if I have to be the one to initiate a separation. I was reading everyone's stories. From what I know now I would ask if a man beleived in marriage before I ever gave him my phone number.

I want to know that my daughter and I can feel secure and safe that our family is a unit and is not going anywhere. I want to be able to refer to him as my husband so I can feel proud instead of disgusted at myself when people realize I have a child out of wedlock. I want to have a day about us and I would compromise any of my wedding day dreams just to be able to get married. I would go justice of the peace if he didn't want the whole thing. I don't want my daughter feeling less than perfect when she realized not all her friends parents got "knocked up"

nalia 15 months ago

Dear boyfriend who has been with me for several years, is not sure about getting married even though the age, time, whatever blah blah is right...I think you are awesome, I love you very much and the best times I ever had in my life have been with you...I want you to be happy, I dont want to pressure you..I want you to take all the time time in the world to decide if you want to marry me...or anyone for that matter...but while you are deciding I cannot remain exclusive with you...I am not looking to sleep with someone else..but I can no longer guarantee the future...just that I will not remain exclusive while you are undecided.

Lindsey79 15 months ago

Renee (awesome name by the way!) -- you've got a hot mess of a man there. I understand it being really hard as you have a daughter together and that changes the whole dynamic and risk/benefit analysis, but I also think there are some major issues you're refusing to fully acknowledge. You see them, but just aren't taking them fully in.

At best, this guy has some major issues and, at worst, he is a selfish, cowardly manipulator. And love isn't just present when you're intimate. If you think those feelings with a man that otherwise lies to you to avoid difficult situations (i.e. "forgetting" to tell you about hanging out with the ex) is love, it's not. It may feel good, but it's not love. A person that loves you treats you with consideration and respect and you've given numerous examples of when he has failed to do this time and time again.

I think you're confusing what he is with who you wish he was or want him to be -- because you love your daughter so much. In many ways, you sound like a battered woman. A man mistreats you, but is then nice to you and all is forgiven only to mistreat you again--and the ugly cycle continues. Except instead of physically beating you, he's doing it emotionally/psychologically. Making all the excuses for him is a classic sign of denial.

And also, being a good daddy and a shitty partner are not mutually exclusive. I'm not saying people need to stay together for the kids, but when partners treat each other poorly that makes them worse parents. Because the kids see that lack of respect and consideration and it screws them up. Someone once told me that the best thing a man can do for his children is treat their mother well, regardless of whether they're a couple or not. I wholeheartedly agree, and, of course, that goes for mothers treating the father of their children with respect and consideration too.

I know you badly want him to be a great guy, but he isn't. Yes, he is the father of your daughter, but that doesn't make him a good guy. He lies to you and making a social statement about marriage (being a different just for the sake of being different) is more important to him than your feelings about a really important issue? This is not a man that considers anyone other than himself and by continuing to be with him, you're reinforcing those same lessons to your daughter. Although you don't want to be, you're being terribly close to being a doormat.

Let me ask you this, if he were not the father of your child, would you allow him to treat you this way? I highly suspect the answer would be No. It's more important that you stick to that as you are setting an example for your daughter. She will pattern her romantic relationships in life off of what she sees between the two of you (or who you eventually partner with). Would you want her to be with a man that treats her as her father treats you? Once again, I suspect the answer is a resounding No.

I think you know deep down that this guy, as he is now, is not a good partner for you, but you don't want to accept that reality because he is your daughter's father. Refusing to accept that reality isn't going to change it. You can't change him. He may always be a selfish coward. If he changes it will be up to him and only him. All you can do is live your life with people of value, that reciprocate respect, consideration and love. He doesn't. I know it's really painful, but the longer you put off seeing reality for what it is, the longer you delay finding a man that will truly value you and be a great example of a healthy relationship for your daughter. All the best!

Charles 14 months ago

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 6 years, we are both 29 years old and lately she's been pressuring me about getting married. I love her a lot and I can see myself living with her, but the reality is that I don't feel ready just yet. The bad thing is that she gets really upset about it, and as time goes by I feel she's getting the courage to break off our relationship. She has already set a deadline she wants to get married on july, I love her and it hurts me a lot that I don't feel ready, I don't want to break it off, I don't know what to do. To make matters worse, I recently started talking a lot with one of my friends from work (a girl friend) who's older than me and single. I think I'm starting to feel something for her, and well, I've been very stressed and I just don't know what to do. Most of my friends are getting married and that has also made my gilfriend more impatient. I bought a house last year in which I planned to live with her. We obviously have a different idea of when to get married, I don't want to hurt her, and I know that if we break it off I will be hurt too. Like somebody said in a comment, maybe I just don't have the guts to break it off, I know that either way one of us will be hurt. What can I do?

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Charles -- Do you have any idea why you're not ready? Have you explored any reasons why that is? Is it money-based (i.e. would prefer more financial security before getting married and possibly starting a family)? Is it fear-based (e.g. your parents are divorced so you're afraid of making a similar mistake)? Is it career-based (i.e. want to get to a certain place in your career or schooling)? I ask because you haven't given any other reasons than not feeling ready. The why you don't feel ready may make a huge difference, both to you figuring out how to get to ready and for her deciding whether she should hang around and give you some more time.

I've found in life things rarely happen when we want them to -- they either come earlier than we'd like and we have to decide whether we're willing to act on them not feeling as prepared as we'd like to be or whether we're willing to let them pass us by and hope another good opportunity comes around. Then, when we're "ready", it often takes a long time for another great opportunity to present itself. I find that it's very rare that opportunity and "readiness" go hand-hand. Timing sucks in this regard, but it is what it is -- part of making adult decisions and navigating hard places.

I also feel great partners don't grow on trees -- if she's a great girl that you can see spending the rest of your life with, then you better figure this out pronto before you lose her. You've had 6 years to contemplate this and you're nearly 30 -- it's not like she hasn't been patient or you haven't had a lot of time to grow and mature. Whether you've done that is a whole other issue, but it's certainly not premature or should be surprising to you that you're 29 year-old girlfriend of 6 years! wants to get married.

I guess you really have to ask yourself if you don't take the marriage plunge, will you regret it later? Will you regret not building a life with this woman? Some men would and have and others haven't. Personally, without further extenuating circumstances, I don't see how anything else is going to happen. If you don't propose, she'll leave. If you don't go after her with a ring, then she'll have her answer and you'll both go your separate ways. I don't think there is anything else you "can do". You are where the rubber meets the road. Man up and make a decision.

Becbec 14 months ago

Hi Veronica I have a situation for you?

My boyfriend and I have been together now for nearly 7 years, we have just built a house together and life is great but I am at the stage where I want to get married in the next 1-2 years. We have spoken about it in the past and we have always agreed on what we want for the future but lately he has decided he does not want to get married anytime soon or if at all. he can not give me any reasons why just that he is not ready yet but if he were to one day ever get married it would be to me.. I am very confused and frustrated I don't know what to do? your advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Thanks for the compliments, Veronica. I always enjoy our dialogue -- if we always thought the same, it wouldn't be much fun, would it? Also, thanks for the plug!

A little more for Charles -- I admit that my first reaction was similar to Veronica's advice. That he was looking for validation, and if that's the case, Veronica is spot on. I was just afraid that his feelings were more fear-based---we all have insecurities and fears, but letting them rule us is never a good thing either.

The reason I went the direction I did because I thought of 3 guys I've known over the years who were in Charles's position and didn't feel ready, but didn't really know why. All of them decided not to marry their longterm gf and all 3 lataer regretted it. Now, I'm sure there are others that thought differently and didn't marry, but these 3 guys' stories really resonated with me with Charles's story. And people rarely talk about these guys -- the guys that said no and then later regretted it. But they do exist and I wanted Charles to really contemplate that possibility as well.

One had been with his gf for 13 years (since they were 16), one for 6 years since 23 and and one for 4 years since 24 -- all were in the 28/29 age group. And what all of them later told me is that fear just froze them, not really fear of their relationship but fear of other things that they projected onto their relationship or gfs (of course, this was much later upon reflection). Two were from divorced families and realized that they had hang ups about commitment from that that they'd never really addressed or confronted before. Not really sure what the other one was.

But all 3 told me later that they didn't really appreciate how good they had it until they lost it -- and this seems to be a very common human experience. One later married at 38 after a near decade of dating. He never thought it would take nearly a decade to find another great woman, but it did. The other two (one is 34 and the other 33) are still single and looking and they chuckle about how now that they're finally "ready", they can't seem to find someone that's on the same page and wish they too had figured out their issues earlier. And dating in the early 30s isn't the same as it was in their early/mid-20s. Not as many available women, more women with significant other ties (divorce, kids, etc.), not as much time to explore each other as when they were in school or in the early stages of a career because these of these other commitments. It is a vastly different dating landscape for many.

Now I'm not saying Charles that you should marry her, but just really, really search your soul. Look into your reasons why you don't want to commit. You may be looking for validation just as Veronica suspects, but I just don't want you to end up like one of my friends who greatly regretted his decision when in the exact same circumstances.

Amazing opportunities don't come around all the time. Don't let your fear, if it's fear driving this marriage decision, to rule your life. Think long and hard because this is a really big decision and take the path that you think will have the least regrets, whichever one that is for you.

Charles 14 months ago

Thanks a lot for your comments Veronica, the fact is that I've been giving this a lot of thought, and it has come to a point where I feel I need to make a decision no matter how hard it is. Our being 29 years old puts a lot of pressure on us, or should say her. We live in Mexico and people expect the girls to be married by the age of 24 or 25 if not before.

Lindsey79, back when we starting having this problems, I told her that I didn't want to get married for financial reasons, we were making enough money. That was part of the truth, but I expected that as time passed by and our relationship grew, I would feel ready to marry her. Our finances have improved a little, but my feelings haven't. Something happened this january, my gf's sister got married to a guy had met a few months before (like 6 to more exact). Before this guy, she had been in a relationship with another guy for more than 6 years. So I do believe what someone said in a comment, maybe the time for my girlfriend to get married has come and she's going to do it with or without me.

There's also another thing that bothers me. With all the arguments we've had over the years, and with the weakening we've had with the subject of marring, I've come to see some things I don't like in her. Things that I don't want my wife to have, she gets upset and stops talking to me (which might normal, I'll give you that), but what bothers me is that after it passes she still won't talk about it now matter how much I try to talk to her. I feel that behavior has left a lot of unfinished business which have contributed to this whole thing.I have to admit that the more I think this through and read the comments, I see that I'm just a coward who doesn't have the guts to tell her I don't wan to get married because I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to be hurt when she leaves.

This other girl has been really nice to me in the sense that she tells me to figure this out on my own, and has out no pressure on me. She was very clear to me, try to fix your relationship, if in the end you can't, then we can start something, but the right way.

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Charles -- Thanks for the additional information. One last thing, would you at all be interested in couples counseling with your current gf -- to see if you and she can work through the issues? I completely understand the not talking thing. I have to admit that I was guilty of this in a prior relationship. As the relationship went on without a proposal (I too was at the 5-6 year mark) without some explanation of why, the more unsafe I felt. I felt I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing and it still wasn't good enough, that something about me wasn't good enough -- it was a real self-esteem crusher. I had a real fear of vulnerability that I developed from my family and let that fear really contribute to the end of my relationship because I allowed it to kill our ability (or at least a large part of my ability) to communicate effectively. I just shut down, he ran into the arms of another woman and we broke up. We both made huge fear-based mistakes. And if I count him, he'd be the 4th guy that regretted his decision -- in fact, he currently says it's the greatest regret of his life (4 years later and he's still single and looking too). But there is no doubt that I contributed a great deal to the mess of that relationship.

Now, I'm not placing blame on either of you, but just trying to give a perspective how these sort of things can happen. If you just feel it's futile or she won't go to counseling, I think that's your answer. It just sounds to me that something may be salvageable if you're both willing to work at it and I think a good marital counselor (even though you're not technically married) will help you work out some of these issues. Help you get clarification to see if you can work things out.

In my current relationship, my bf actually suggested that as we're in the "will we get married" phase too and he was having a hard time communicating or even identifying his reservations. I was actually incredibly impressed that he suggested it and saw it as a big statement from him about how much he wants our relationship to work out. It's helped him get in touch with a lot of his feelings on things, both in our relationship and fears he has brought with him from prior experiences (I'd done some personal therapy before meeting him so had done a lot of this sort of stuff on my own and am far more balanced and true to myself than I was in my prior relationship).

Maybe I'm struggling here too much to make something work that ultimately won't work, but 6 years (especially at 29) isn't something to minimize either. That's more than half of your adult life. I imagine you both must see a lot of good in one another and I wouldn't want you to turn your back on that unless you were pretty darn confident that was the right thing for you.

As for the other woman, I have a different take on it than Veronica. Although I can see how it may be an indicator of your gf not being the right one for you, I can also see it just looking/feeling safe. Like a married man with kids (or woman for that matter) that seeks out an affair. It often doesn't mean that he doesn't love his wife and kids anymore, but that he's overwhelmed with his commitments or unhappy in his marriage and instead of addressing those issue, looks for something easier/safer -- and thinks a mistress is just that person. Unfortunately, this never works well because that is just an illusion.

Wherever you go, Charles, that's where you are. Changing scenery won't solve the problems or challenges within you. You'll just play the same story out with different characters and different scenery. You can't make people behave as you'd like them, but you can control your own actions. If you really think you've given all you can in this relationship, then so be it. Recognize that it isn't and won't work and part ways. But if you think there is any chance for it, please give it your all so you won't look back and wish you'd tried harder (supposedly 40% of people that get divorced say that they wish they tried harder and that in retrospect they think the marriage was salvageable). Best of luck to you and please let us know how it goes...

Charles 14 months ago

Lindsey79: Thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate it. Right now I'm waiting for my girlfriend to talk to her. I don't know how it will go, and I'm saddened because she seems to be in a very good mood today. I need to talk to her now though, because all this stress has been affecting big time these last 2 days, I've even had insomnia, and it's affecting me in my job too. I don't even know how to start, I feel bad to bring this up when she's in a good mood, but I'm hoping she will be more open if it's this way. I'll let you know how it goes, although I think she has been getting the courage to leave me all this time, and that's why she felt confident enough to give a deadline. I'll everything I can.

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Charles -- I know it's hard, but this is where relationships are made. In the hard times. Life is always going to throw you curve balls and difficulties, how you decide to handle them both individually and as a couple will prove the mettle of your relationship.

If she is a truly good partner for you, she'll want to discuss this with you even though it may be very hard on both of you. She shouldn't want you to suffer and experience the things you're experiencing. She'll want to find a solution where you're both happy and getting your needs met.

Don't be afraid to speak your truth, just do it with compassion and love. If she's the right girl for you and a good partner, she'll do the same. And you guys will find a way to navigate through these stormy seas, becoming ultimately much stronger and more loving. As Veronica often says, namaste.

lovemaster 14 months ago

as long as you cant agree on marriage together, then it means there is no love the first place and someone is using another. just wait, and only move on when you finds someone you love and that is ready to marry you...at that point you will dumped him/her and he/she would have to pay the price of refusing your gift. love is not about love or looking after each other, but most importantly you have a common vision and direction ---if this is not the case, the there is no love and better remained as enemy friends.

Charles 14 months ago

Thank you for all your comments. I talked to my girlfriend lastnight which was hard for me because she was a good mood. I was forward with her and told her I didn't want to marry her yet. I explained to her I wasn't ready and that maybe in the future it will happen but I can't set a date for that. I also told her all those things that I felt had weakened our relationship, and well I couldn't get much out her in that aspect. She agreed to continue, but to tell you the truth, I don't feel completely good about it. I think that I caught her off guard and that she got scared of a break up so sudden. She wants to continue, but when she said, her expressions were nothing like she usually is. Believe me, we've had many discussions before, and this time her answers were to calm, too relaxed. We agreed to work things out, but I don't see her changing her behavior, I mean, she has been angry and unhappy for several months now, and I don't expect her to change now that her ultimatum thing is not gonna happen. Still, I'm willing to give it one last try, if in the end it doesn't work, well at least I'll know I did everything I could. Sadly I still don't feel good, I feel better, but not satisfied with what happened. I was ready for a positive or negative solution, and either way I would be fine. But now I got a positive one, but I don't believe her. Maybe it's because of all the times we argued and I have in my mind all that she has said before, I don't belive all those words can be changed. When she argued with me, you could see she had everything analized, her voice sounded firm and solid, she wasn't bluffing. We'll see how it goes, thanks a lot to all you. I'll keep you informed of what happens.

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Charles -- She just may need some time to adjust and take it in. Given what you said about her shutting down in difficult emotional situations and not even wanting to talk about them later, I think she may be someone like I once was that is not very emotionally connected within herself. She may try to use her brain to analyze and understand things, so it may take her a while to truly know what she feels because she's not used to being in touch with her feeling side (ironically, this is often a common guy issue). I imagine this may be one of the reasons you're feeling sort of conflicted about it -- you're hearing one thing from her but intuitively you aren't really believing it at this point. Give it a little time to settle down and see where it goes -- you may have a few more conversations about it as she's able to digest it.

Also, you may feel just sort of bad about it because it may ultimately end up being in a situation where you both love each other but want different things in life. That is always a hard place to be. It's hard to walk away from someone that you love and treats you well but ultimately isn't compatible with you, whether it's because you don't see things the same on a big dealbreaker issue like whether to have kids or because your timing is just off --- she wants to move forward with someone, though she'd prefer it to be you, and you're just not ready for it. It is sort of a bittersweet feeling. You feel better about it because you know you're being true to yourself, but sort of crappy too because you may be inherently incompatible though you wish you weren't.

She may also just feel very calm and relaxed because she's accepted the reality for what it is. She's not trying to make you ready any more and realizes she can't. There is a great liberating feeling when you come to understand and accept that. You're not being ready is about you and not her or your relationship and that can be a big weight off a girl's shoulders. No more guesswork needed or hoping that it will be different. Now she just needs to decide what she wants -- whether she's willing to wait and take a risk on you one day being ready or whether she'll move on to someone that knows he's ready. It's a hard place too. Best of luck!

Charles 14 months ago

Hello again. As I has said before I didn't feel comfortable even after talking to my girlfriend. The fact is I was still feeling some pressure of some kind, and that didn't let me focus. I've been distracted and distant, and she noticed it. I just talked to her this morning again, and I asked her for some time alone. I really wanto explore how it feels to be alone for some days, I want find out if I really miss her, and also I want to know how she reacts to being alone. I need some space, lately I even my cellphone stresses me because I know it would be her calling and texting me and I don't feel I can do the things I have to do freely. I explained all this to her, and I will spend some days alone, she didn't like it at all and got very sad. She has been texting me all afternoon asking me to talk again, but I can't, not now. I really wanto stop this pressure inside of me and only then I'll be able to talk to her and decide if I want to continue or not. I want to test our relationship now, because if we decide to continue, I want to be sure we will be able to resist the troubles we find in the future.

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Charles -- I hope you figure it out. It sounds like you're being very honest with yourself and your gf, even though it's hard, and that's a very good, brave thing -- not only for yourself, but also for your relationship.

Sometimes a little time away can be a good thing -- sometimes you don't realize how much you really value a person until they're not there. Although I can understand your gf being very sad and anxious, I hope she's able to deal with that and give you the time and space you need. Best of luck figuring it all out.

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Charles -- I hope you figure it out. It sounds like you're being very honest with yourself and your gf, even though it's hard, and that's a very good, brave thing -- not only for yourself, but also for your relationship.

Sometimes a little time away can be a good thing -- sometimes you don't realize how much you really value a person until they're not there. Although I can understand your gf being very sad and anxious, I hope she's able to deal with that and give you the time and space you need. Best of luck figuring it all out.

DizzyDame 14 months ago

Hi ladies,I'm sure I already know the answer to this lil problem of mine, but I'll ask for your input anyways :)...So I've been seeing a super awesome/sexy/handy/lovable older man who lives about an hour and a half away in NY for about a year an a half now. He's 44 and I'm 29. We're madly in love with eachother and because of the distance and the fact that we both own businesses in our own respective towns, we only see eachother on the weekends. We have the perfect relationship full of passion, stellar sex, no fights,butterflies and all that jazz, except fot the fact that he still hasn't finalized his divorce from his wife of 15 years. They are by no means still actively married and have been seperated for over 2 years, but process has been messy and she is bi-polar/without income so he's stuck having to support her which is bleeding him dry. The fact that he has been so tainted by this failed marriage has left him feeling less than optimistic about getting married again, which is totally understandable. I'm ok with that part as he's still healing and all that, but what bothers me is when he tells me that he will never want to remarry or have kids and doesn't know if he can offer me anything by way of a "future together" because he's been so financially devestated with the divorce. He says he wants to be with me but he can't move on to the next level (whatever that is). When we first got together he did all the persuing and traveling down to visit me every weekend and when I told him I was falling for him after a couple months he kind of gave me the "I’m falling for you too, but I'm going through a divorce and don't know where I'll be" line. At that point I told him that he should stop coming to see me if he didn't want this to evolve into something more. He of course took it back and said he wanted to continue on with the relationship.Now, in the year and a half we've been together I've only requested maybe 4 or 5 divorce status updates and every time is the same thing. It’s as if our relationship hasn't motivated him to expedite the process faster so he can start a new life with me. They still share a house that is up for sale , but he never stays there as he has an apartment set up in his shop building. I’ve met all his friends and been to numerous family functions so I’m by no means the “other woman” in this situation. At this point I'm ready to make some changes in my life, not marriage or baby stuff yet or ever (but possibly), just location and lifestyle and I'm considering moving up to NY and it would be an added bonus that we could spend more time together. When I bring this up he tells me to go for it although he doesn't know if he'll ever want to live with someone again, but maybe and he still can’t make any promises. I mean, I know he’s totally entitled to feel the way he does and I appreciate that he’s being honest, but I can’t feel good continuing on with him when I know so many relationship perks would be out of the question for him… My heart is telling me to just be satisfied with the loving relationship that we have, and I guess I could stifle my expectations, but I’ll end up being hurt in the end or making sacrifices that I’ll one day regret. I adore this man and so do my friends and family. He’s very supportive and does his best to take care of me and I him... Should I just live in the now and worry about the future later or cut him loose to save ourselves the drama later?

Lindsey79 14 months ago

DizzyDame -- It looks like you have a strong grasp of your situation. From what you've described, it sounds like you have a great relationship in many respects. There is nothing confusing or deceptive going on from what I can tell, and that you totally get where he's coming from. I see this situation as merely being one of those things that you have to decide for yourself.

He seems like a great guy, but he's not in a place to move forward with a relationship like you'd like to (i.e. marriage, etc.). That's the sum total of it. It totally makes sense why he feels that way and it seems like you completely understand and respect that. This may ultimately just be one of those things where you love each other a lot but the timing is off or you have fundamentally different desires in life.

On one side, you can try to accept what you have though it's less than you want, but you run the risk of growing resentment (probably for both yourself and him). Or you can leave and seek out someone that is seeking compatible life goals, someone that ready and wants to have a relationship that leads to marriage, but then you lose this great guy. That's ultimately a decision only you can make. What's more important to you? Being with him or finding someone that believes in marriage and wants to be your husband one day? Right now, he's clearly telling you that he doesn't want that and can't even say if he'll ever want that again.

It's like dating a guy, falling for him and then finding out he definitely doesn't want kids when you definitely do. What's more important -- having kids or being with him? There's no right or wrong, just two fundamentally incompatible things.

True, he may one day come around about the marriage thing, but it's near impossible to tell when or if that will ever happen. To hang around waiting for that is a big risk for you to take, but only you can make that call on whether the risk is worth it or not. There really is no right or wrong answer here -- it's only what is right or wrong for you, and only you really know that. All I can say is be as honest with yourself as possible and be true to yourself.

Personally, for me, I'd leave just because I know in my heart of hearts that I ultimately want a life partner that wants to be my husband. It's also probably why I likely wouldn't get involved with a separated man to begin with---just too risky, but life sometimes just works out that way (I'm dating a younger guy and I thought I'd never do that either for the same reasons -- unlikely he's going to be on the same page on commitment in the same time frame, but working on figuring something out too, so I completely understand taking the bigger risk sometimes). But I'm not you, so you may choose differently. Best of luck!

DizzyDame 14 months ago

Thanks for the quick response, Lindsey! Yeah, I've decided that marriage isn't a necessity really, allthough it would be quite nice and flattering to be proposed to one day! I've just seen more drama then fun and good times revolving around the married couples I know so its not that big a deal to me. It just sucks to know that its not an option from jump street...The other night when he was over and we were discussing where we stand, he asked me if what we had wasn't good enough. He expressed that he takes our relationship extremely seriously and doesn't want to lose me, but would understand if I decided to end it since he cannot ultimately meet my expectations, which he knows are valid at my age.I mean, my bf before him (40 yr old man-child) never introduced me to his parents(I'm black and they're white, a whole seperate story!)or siblings after 3.5 years and right before we broke up he bought a house and didn't ask me to even move in with him, even though all through the relationship he would openly fantasize about being married and living together. I guess you can say I have commitment issues!...It just comes down to knowing that someone actually wants to spend their life with me and not just live in the moment and see what happens on a weekly basis. I can't even get him to go away to Costa Rica with me(free lodging!) because of his divorce paranoia. He thinks he doesn't deserve a vacation until all of his shit is in order. I love him to pieces, but there's so many hang ups that I'm going to have to work around or get over and the only sacrifice he'll have to make is the 1 1/2 drive down to see me on the weekends. I know I probably shouldn't have let myself fall for him in the first place, but he's got this Elvis thing goin on and was persistent and made me feel like a woman again after years of piddly once a month sex with my ex...Oy, his parents were showing me his childhood photos a few weeks ago and I instantly wanted to have his babies...love is torture!!

Carolyn 14 months ago

HEllo lyndsey

I recently stumbled across this page when googling for the same question. After reading through all the posts and all the replies, I thought I will give it a go..

I am 23 and my boyfriend of 4 years is 26. We have lived together for 3 and a half years now. I have always been ready for marrriage and kids and that s all i talk about all the time. He is very much aware of it.. (we were friends for a year before we started dating). We both have graduated and have very stable careers.

We have always had a religion issue, where I was not comfortable with his and that made him very sad. Unfortunately he decided to take the revenge out on me when we met the parents. He had cried to his parents on how I am not the right girl because i am not comfortable with his religion and his parents telling me a marriage is out of the question and that I should leave him alone and get away from him and coming from a very decent family , I thought that this was completely inappropriate.However, sad sad me did not know that my bf had cried to his parents and naturally they were protecting him.Anyway, following this incident, we lived apart for two months, during which I realised I have been oh so cruel to him and I realised my mistake and against my parents wishes, embraced his religion as my own. This was a big big massive giant step for me in my life and I did it only becos i thought he loved me and his parents were pressurising him that I was nt the right girl.

All done! I got back to him as his gf after those 2 months and he really appreciated me for the changes I made in myself for his sake and embraced me. However, 3 months after everything was fine between my bf and I, I come to know that he had cried to his parents and told mean stuff about me to them, this really hurt me and we had a conversation about it, and that was it! Recently I started talking to him about marriage again and he feels that it is still to early to talk about it! I mean, I have practically changed my entire belief system for him, changed myself emotionally to show him I am ready, i.e I practicallyN do everything for him, cook , pack his lunch for work, clean, laundry,when I go away on jobs for a week or two I still cook his food and put it in the refrigerator for him etc.Now remember I am in a high fly career that puts a mountain of stress on me and no matter how tired i turn up in the evening, he seems to think i am responsible for cooking dinner. We seem to be at a good relationship stage and me being me and always wanting a baby and marriage, I do ask him on when it is going to happen etc.. for which his standard answer is two years.. everytime i ask, std answer 'two years'.

This is now really bugging me and I a week ago I asked him to break the two years down for me, for which his reply was, for the first 6 months he wants to enjoy having me back as the gf who understands him and his religion. and for the next year or so be a good son to his parents and spend more time with them(he left abroad at 19 for higher studies, so he feels like he never enjoyed being a son to his parents)

I completely respect his decision, and I put up with it. But every time I See a friend getting married I break down and in the last few months nearly 12 of the people I know got married!!!!! IT s crazy, when life shoves things on your face!!!!

So, whenever I see the wedding pictures or get an invite to a friends wedding I go into this real depression mode cursing myself for putting myself through this. Recently, I have also had suicidal thoughts. I do speak to the samaritans and the helpline often to keep me from doing anything crazy. I feel worthless, like I am no marriage material, like everything I have done for him means nothing to him. I try and prevent myself from getting upset by not loking at my friends wedding pictures and I did not even turn up for a couple of weddings because it hurt me so much.

I know you might probably look at me and say I am too young to be wanting a marriage and let alone kids, it was something I always wanted with the right guy. Although he felt like the right guy, I am starting to think he is probably not!!!!

We don t fight, but him thinking it s too early for me wanting a marriage and not understanding my needs is making me feel like an idiot for understanding him and changing myself for him.

I want to pack my bags and move out, but he says he loves me and wants to marry me when he is ready. I totally appreciate it and my answer is, go have a good time with ur parents, enjoy being a good son, enjoy your life and in the mean time let me enjoy mine as well. Why should I live like your wife, when you clearly are not ready for one? Let me focus on other things in life!!

He does nt want me to go away from him. My only option looks like I have to deal with living with a guy who is enjoying his life and change my needs and focus on something else.

I don t know if I should pack my bags and leave and enjoy my life as well rather than signing up to him at this point or live with him and enjoy the life as a couple. Any comments are appreciated.

Lindsey79 14 months ago

Carolyn -- Whoa. There is a lot here in what you wrote. I'm not as wise as Veronica (she's truly sage), but I'll try to share what I see in your words.

First off, I'm concerned for you. What leapt out to me the most was when you said you felt worthless. You buried it in the middle of a middle paragraph, but that's exactly what I was thinking when reading so much of your letter. You really seem to be seeking your worth and validation from the outside, and specifically from your bf. You're doing all these things for him, contorting yourself in all these ways to be what you think he wants/needs, and then he doesn't propose, and you feel terrible -- as if you're not good enough, what you're doing is not good enough.

I can totally understand you feeling that way. I've felt that way before. You love him and want him to love you back in similar way, but it doesn't work that way. You're looking to him to fill a hole in yourself -- a hole only you can fill. You can't get your self-worth from him just like you can't get it from your parents or your boss or your friends. You have to develop that within yourself first. You have to believe you're worth it. And you are worth it -- you just don't see or truly believe that yet.

I think talking with a therapist would really help with this – help you to find your self-worth within yourself. If therapy isn’t an option, consider doing things to improve yourself. Take a painting class, join a book club, learn a new skill or hobby that interests you, take that ballroom dancing class you always wanted to, join a yoga class, a running group or get a gym membership. Do things that make you feel good about yourself merely for doing/accomplishing them. Invest in yourself and you’ll start to feel the beginnings of self-worth blossom.

My gut tells me that you're a giver, and that's a great thing. Being generous is a very good trait to have; however, that comes with a big caveat -- you have to know how and when to give in a healthy manner. Giving to people that just take advantage of you isn’t a good thing. If you give so much that it hurts you, then it becomes a destructive behavior. Do you have alcoholism, addiction or abuse in your family? I know that's a leap, but this is a classic sign of a co-dependent person. Someone that sacrifices so much of herself that she can't express or own her own needs.

Everyone has needs. It's great to be generous, but if you're the only one giving, it's not a good thing. You need to learn to give to those that deserve it and can reciprocate it -- who can see your worth and respond accordingly. From what you've said thus far, your bf sounds like a taker. You keep giving and he keeps taking. That's not a good balance and I think in large part why you're so hurt, angry and frustrated. You keep wanting him to give to you like you give to him, but he doesn't.

As you develop more self-worth, you’ll learn to give more judiciously. You’ll be able to see how truly amazing you are and you’ll want to associate with other amazing people. And even better, other amazing people will naturally be attracted to you. You won’t want to waste yourself on people that can’t or won’t give back, those that just take and never give or those that only think of themselves. But right now, I don’t think you’re seeing all that. You don’t realize that you deserve better – and you do!

You aren't ready to get married. Not because you're too young, but because you haven't even really figured out who YOU are yet. You're trying to mold yourself into this perfect gf/wife for your bf, but what about Carolyn? What is the right thing for Carolyn? Who is Carolyn? Who does Carolyn want to be one day? Aside from being a wife and mother, what other dreams does Carolyn have? Does she want to travel? Does she want to learn to dance? Does she want to learn a new language?

Being a wife and a mother is great -- it's a honorable and valuable calling for many, but you'll also be much more than that. You'll be a daughter, perhaps a sister, a woman, a dancer, an artist, a friend, an employee, etc. -- so many other things in addition to a wife and mother. You need to learn to feed these other parts of your soul as well -- they're equally as important. And when you do, it will strengthen all of you and help make you that much better of a wife and mother too!

The great thing is that you are still so young -- there is plenty of time to find this out. To figure out who you are, who you want to be and where you want to go. I know it can be hard when everyone else seems to be getting married and you feel left behind, but remember that is a fear in your head more than anything. There are plenty of people that don't get married until much later. There is plenty of time.

I'm not set against people getting married before a certain age per se as I do really believe that there are some people that are ready to get married at your age. But I also realize that those people are the extreme exception rather than the rule. The younger people get married, the riskier it is because so many people are still figuring out who they are and who they want to be throughout their 20s. That's a major reason why so many folks that get married before 25 get divorced a few years later. Whereas if you get married in your early 30s, you're more likely to have a stronger grasp of who you are and choose a good partner. You've settled into your skin more as you get older.

I'm not sure if there is a cultural issue at play, but from what you've said about his family and his issue with religion, I think there may be, so take this last bit with a grain of salt as it may not be as applicable when viewed through a different cultural lens. Your bf does not sound ready to get married either. Even though he may have a good job, he still seems fairly immature. You've given me no evidence of how he is acting like a good partner for you. You've told me many things that you've done for him, including changing your religion so as to be better accepted by him and his family!, but you've told me nothing about what he's done for you. This really worries me.

The good part is that I think deep down you already know most of these things. Towards the end of your letter, I see these things coming out. You do know that you deserve better. That you do deserve to be with someone that treats you as well as you treat him. Your desire not to be taken advantage of comes shining through. You want him to do his own thing and you do your own thing – you want the time and space to pursue your own life and develop yourself as an individual. This is fantastic! This is exactly what you need to do.

I know it’s scary to leave a comfortable relationship, but I think you already know that is what you need to do. That you need some time to just focus on yourself. To figure out who you are and want to be. It’s not an easy path, but its rewards far exceed the struggle. Learn to become a truly happy, fulfilled individual and you’ll attract someone that is equally worthy. Then, you’ll be ready to be a true partner and build a life with someone else. Best of luck and please let us know how you are doing.

BrittneyC 14 months ago

We started dating in high school, so I know that we will probably be together for longer before he propposes than if we had met older. However, he went from being very future focused to not-so-much. We took a break, only a little under 2 months. Since we got back togetehr I was mroe hesitant to talk future plans but he continued to sya he wanted them. Now he is pulling the " I d owant to, but not yet." We have been going out for 3 years, I am 19 and he is 20. How much longer should I wait? and does the concept of him saying not yet and meaning not at all still apply since we are younger?

Jesse824 13 months ago

Hey Veronica,

My situation's a little different, as I'm a man wishing to marry my girlfriend. Some facts: I'm 24, she's 28, we have a 2yr old (devilishly handsome) boy and we've been together 5 years.

Here's where it gets problematic. For three years, I've been living with her family, upon her request. Yes, she's 28 and still lives at home with her two brothers and mother in a tiny house. Her family is Phillipino and I'm assuming this is a cultural thing ... how tight-knit they are (and why she hasn't moved out). Due to cultural differences and conflicts in how I do things compared to her family's house rules ... things have gotten pretty tense between her family and I. All the while, she is pushing for marriage because, and I agree with her on this, we've been together 5 years and have a child!

Now, I know many people might feel it was wrong for me to do so, but I gave her a stipulation for our engagement. I wanted to move out of her family's house before I proposed. My reasoning: with how little privacy I've had with my girlfriend in these past 3 years (intimacy is VERY HARD with her family so close to our bedroom), it feels like I'd be marrying her AS WELL AS her direct family. Feeling this way, I just can't bring myself to pop the question before we move out. She labels my reasoning as an excuse to just not get married.

I need to know how she acts away from her family. There's a difference (ALWAYS a difference) between the woman I love outside her family's house, and the daughter I tolerate while she's with her mother. And, at 28yrs of age, I need to know if she can live WITHOUT her family.

We've saved money on two separate occasions to afford a down-payment on our own apartment, thus fulfilling her end of my bargain and i was ready to propose but ... each time, she's spent that money on trips to be with her family.

I'm torn. I never thought I'd be so close to marrying or leaving someone. I also think its humorous we both want to marry each other, and its in that feeling that the distance is growing between us.

She wants to marry me and still live at home ... I want to branch out and start our own family with our son. Am I the bad guy for staying adamantly against marriage until we move out? I really feel I'm just being practical about it considering where we are in college and employment...

I have 2 options, really at the rate its going. I can either give up on my last (and only) demand and marry her (while we still have no set timeline on when we'll move OUT of her family's house) ... or I can move out myself, because I dont think she's ready to leave her family ... but I'd be leaving my son there with them.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense lol I'm prone to anxiety attacks and just trying to weather all of this has done a number on my psyche and my constant struggle for mental balance, but any advice or questions for more detail would be greatly appreciated.

Lindsey79 13 months ago

Jesse 824 -- I think you're being very, very reasonable. I too would want to know how tied to my significant others' family I would be before marrying him. I’m very close to my family in an emotional capacity, but my parents fully appreciate that although we are their children we are adults in our own right as well. They do not attempt to control us in significant ways, but this can vary greatly among different cultures. Some people are very close to their families and their needs come second to those of the elder generation. For example, I know this can be an issue with East Indian families and it can cause a big conflict when marrying outside of that cultural understanding. I think this may be more similar to the dynamic you describe with your girlfriend and her family. So I can relate on some level to what you're saying and how incredibly frustrating it is for you.

I think you really need to sit down with her and have a discussion on these cultural and value differences--don't attack them, but discuss your concerns about potential incompatibility. Discuss how much influence you both envision extended families interacting with your own family and what sort of dynamics you desire or won’t tolerate. To me, it sounds like you’re saying that you want you and your gf (and your children) to be the first priority to one another but you fear that she is not ready or does not want to do that – that her parents/siblings come first to her and then you and your son. As a result, you want to live with her outside of her family’s immediate influence to see if she can draw healthy boundaries with them. I think you’re incredibly astute and wise to want to do this (and at 24!). I too would insist upon it.

I find it very disturbing that your gf is telling you through her actions (i.e. using your “get your own apt” money for other purposes) that she either doesn’t want to do this, fears it or doesn’t respect your desires in this regard. It’s very inconsiderate and selfish of her--she's not being a good partner when she does this. Even if it’s motivated by fear of separating from her family, it’s simply not something I’d want in a partner either.

Although I’m not a big fan of ultimatums generally, I think you do need to draw the line in the sand with her. Explain to her your concerns about her not being able to live separately from her family. Get some books that are aimed at just this (1001 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married, 10 Conversations You Must Have Before Getting Married, Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to Healthy, Happy Relationship) – these will help you have these conversations and be able to explain things better for both of you. Perhaps even go to counseling to help with this – having a third party help navigate these difficult issues can really help. But at the end of the day, you need to have some experience with her apart from her family and an ability to reasonably rely on her ability to be autonomous.

Some people will ultimately never leave their families. Ironically, you often see this in Momma’s Boys. They will always choose their mothers over their wives and many of those wives would have loved to known that before they got married (and many likely wouldn’t have married if they’d known that either). If your gf is unable to do this – live apart from her family before you marry or somehow give you some other type of reasonable assurance that it will be you, she and your son as no. 1 priorities and her parents and siblings second to that --- then you’ve got to decide whether you can live with that. I definitely couldn’t live with that and given what you’ve said I suspect you can’t either. I generally really like to encourage people to try and work it out, but in this case, you’ve been really great and now need to see if your gf can bridge the gap. If she can step up to the plate and be the type of partner you want and need too. She may be able to, she may not be able to. Neither is really wrong or right here – just compatible or incompatible. I wish you the best luck – please come back and tell us how it works out.

loribeth2 13 months ago

I have been with my partner almost 11yrs now. Early on in our relationship I told him my dream in life was to settle down and get married and have a half decent job. Just over a year after start relationship we had a baby (un-planned but not regretted)and not long after that we got engaged on my 21st birthday. The problem is we’re still not married, everytime I bring it up all i get from him is “It’s a waste of money” or “it’s just a bit of paper – means nothing”. Obviously i would love the dream wedding but accept it’s never going to happen, i’ve offered to book a registry office with just the two of us there which would cost about £100 so that is not this issue either but merely an excuse.

I’m in no doubt that my partner loves me, we are like soul mates and we are each others best friend. He does however have issues showing emotions, he is not romantic, (aside from our sex life) we don’t kiss or cuddle, very rarely talk about emotions or how we feel and if i’m upset, he would be silent or walk out the room rather than have to talk about it. When talking about the wedding he’ll just change the subject or just refuse to talk about it.

I believe what he’s says when he says being married doesn’t mean anything to him, but what about what it means to me?. I also think the ceremony would be hard for him as he can’t handle attention being on him.

The problem I have is I don’t know where to go from here, I do not want to end our relationship at all as I love him to much and we have a child together. But at the same time i feel he’s being incredibly selfish by not marrying me after building my hopes up getting engaged. I think I may have to come to terms with the fact that if I want to stay in this relationship then I will never be married and im not sure I can cope with that. Maybe if I knew from the start that he would never want to be married then our relationship would have never of got this far. Where do I go from here?

Anna 13 months ago

Hello,

I've been googling articles about marriage pressures and stumbled upon this very helpful site! I feel that reading other people's stories helps me get through my own situation.

Me: I'm 32 and my ex partner is 35. We've been together for 2.5 years. He was with someone for 8 years had 3 children with her and then had an affair with me (they weren't married - just common law). So technically, although we agreed we were together for 2.5 years, we took our relationship public just a bit over 1.5 years ago. From the moment we got together (we were best friends beforehand) he kept telling me he wants to marry me (although he never believed in marriage with his ex). Everything led me to believe that we were soulmates and I never doubted his love for me.

Well fast forward to our 2.5 year anniversary and I'm scratching my head wondering where my ring is?! We went to look at rings in the fall and I had "the talk" with him last summer about what my thoughts on marriage were. I told him if he'd like to marry me than I would like to be engaged within a year (I want to have a child and be married before I do so - yes, very old fashioned). Although he wanted to wait an additional 2 years he said he was willing to compromise b/c he loved me and wanted to be with me. Over the past few months though I started noticing that although he said all the right things, he wasn't doing things that told me he was serious about marrying me in the near future. I was the one that had to keep pushing him to get a legal separation from his common law wife (which finally happened this year!) otherwise he'd keep dragging his feet. For some crazy reason, the 2.5 year mark was my cutoff time.

We were also experiencing other issues and ultimately I broke up with him (right around the 2.5 year mark). Three weeks went by before I realized that I made a mistake and wanted to work on our relationship (during our time apart he tried to reason with me to no avail). By the time I wanted to save our relationship, he told me he was really frustrated with me and my negativity (in terms of always expecting the worst). He told me he felt pressured to marry me and no longer knew if I was "the one". I was shocked. Its been over a month now and I am still heart broken. On the one hand I feel that I did the right thing by initiating the break up b/c he clearly wouldn't have proposed to me anytime soon. On the other hand I feel full of regret for not trusting in him and our love and pushing him to the point of no return. I am driving myself crazy with my thoughts - if he truly loved me, he'd come back wouldn't he? or can a woman's marriage pressures really make a man walk away from the entire relationship forever? Maybe I was naive all along in thinking that he'd finally commit if he wasn't able to commit to the mother of his children after 8 years. Any advice on how I can regain my sanity and move forward, accepting that its too late to cry over spilled milk? I always thought a proposal should be easier - you date, you love each other, you get engaged (esp if both partners are in their 30s) - maybe this just happens in the movies?! Sorry for the loooooong post :)

Lindsey79 13 months ago

Anna -- Really? This is surprising to you? You had an affair with a man who was with a woman for 8 years and had 3 children with her and you're surprised that he doesn't want to marry you? I hate to be so harsh -- but, wow, you are in major denial. You know right off the bat that he's a liar and would forsake a family he created with another woman -- that's not honorable. Now, considering you were the willing partner in such an affair, I have my doubts about your honorability too.

I usually try to empathize with folks in such situations, but your self-described actions are making that difficult. Some would say that you're getting exactly what you deserve and I must admit that I'm having a hard time not feeling a lot of that too. But putting the complicity in the betrayal and cheating aside, this guy has not shown much character -- really, you want a liar, a cheat, someone that betrays the mother of is 3 children! as a soulmate? I think you have some major issues to work on and should look into professional counseling ASAP to figure out why you'd hitch your wagon to this guy's star --- it's really terribly unhealthy all the way around.

Don't you want to be with a man that has honor, that can commit, that can tell you honestly and with an open heart that you're the one and only woman for him? Why are you bothering with this loser? The only consolation is that unlike his former partner, you don't have any kids with him---consider that a HUGE blessing and a major bullet dodge. Drop him like a bad habit, get yourself into therapy and then seek out someone that has good values, strong character and is a decent, loving human being. This guy, regardless of however much you think he is your "best friend" or "soul mate" is none of these things.

Anna 13 months ago

Thanks Lindsey - I actually didn't write on this blog looking for finger pointing and judgement. I've dealt with my guilt and my role in this a long time ago and have accepted it (as has everyone else in my life who knew how we got together). And FYI: not every couple starts off perfectly (single boy meets single girl and they live happily ever after) - in fact I was part of a wedding recently in which the bride and groom both left their significant others to be with one another (both got involved when they were very very young and stayed with their partners for the sake of the kids). They have now been together for many years and I've never seen a couple that is more in love (their exes have happily moved on and remarried shortly after the separations). Turns out none of the 4 people involved were happy and the affair was the best thing that happened for everyone involved.

Anyways, you raise some valid points and yes I have thought a lot about the fact that this guy might have commitment issues since he didn't marry the mother of his children and your observations highlight this. I appreciate your thoughts, I sincerely do - however your advice could have been given without the insults.

Lindsey79 13 months ago

Anna -- I was really trying to hold back on the insults. Your actions speak for themselves. I'm sorry if you were insulted by them, but I was trying to be honest and compassionate (it's just hard to be compassionate in your situation where there was so little honor and compassion for your guy's former gf and wife of his 3 kids).

And, yes, somethings don't work out all well or don't start well but that doesn't justify acting badly. We all have choices in this life. We can all choose to act honorably or not honorably, with kindness or without kindness. Sometimes there are crazy, extenuating circumstances, but sometimes we just make bad, selfish decisions and they come back to bite us in the butt (which appears to be more your situation).

I'm just saying that I would have never started a relationship with a man that was entangled with another woman --- because I think that would not only lessen my own honor but also I wouldn't be attracted to a guy that showed such lack of honor, honesty and integrity himself. It would simply be a non-starter for me and frankly I have a hard time understanding why it's not a non-starter for more women. If you're deceived by him (i.e. thinking he was single and he lied about his gf/wife), that I can understand more. Though once finding out about the deception, it would kill a lot of my attraction for him too because now I'd know he was a huge liar. But knowingly starting a relationship with a man that is involved with another woman, I don't understand women that do that. I think such women have serious issues and need help to figure out why they'd do such a thing---why they're attracted to such a louse and why they'd put themselves in a such a lose-lose situation.

If I found myself attracted to such a guy and he said something to me about wanting to be together, I'd tell him "perhaps one day we can explore that. But not so long as you're with someone else. If you're ever single, look me up. Otherwise, I want nothing to do with you. Handle your own business at home -- don't pull me into your drama and use me as a crutch, a distraction from your problems, etc. I'm only interested in nurturing something healthy and real and we couldn't do that if we're both not single."

You chose not to do that. Fine, but don't be upset when others point out the real lack of integrity and honor in those actions or the fact that it lessens their compassion for you current situation that grew out of such dishonorable actions in the first place.

Anna 13 months ago

Again, to reiterate, I found this site b/c of my marriage dilemma, not because I wanted someone's opinion on the start of my relationship 2.5 years ago. I'm sure that there are blogs/sites that I could go on if I wanted opinions on that aspect of my relationship. I feel Lindsey that unless you have something else that is valuable to my original question to add, then you are simply wasting your time telling me what you would or wouldn't do if you were in my situation. I don't know you and therefore I have no interest to read about how you would act differently than me. In all honesty, everyone makes their own choices and we are all responsible for our consequences - end of story. All that matters to me is that my friends/family accepted my relationship and the way it began (and everyone has!) - but again, that is not the issue here. I had a question about marriage/commitment, not the whole cheating thing you keep talking in circles about.

Lindsey79 13 months ago

Anna -- Perhaps your guilt over the beginning of your relationship has blinded you to your present dilemma. Perhaps I'm wrong for focusing on that, but I find it very telling that you decided to divulge those facts in the very beginning. As Veronica often says, those appear to me to be quite significant "tells". If you didn't want someone to comment on those issues or didn't think they played into your present dilemma, then why did you mention them at all in the first place?

From where I sit those are very important things -- not to condemn you or anything else negative at this point, but as part of the reality that you need to accept. You started dating a guy in a very compromised position -- someone from the very get-go that showed you that he wasn't honest, wasn't honorable, was lacking integrity and couldn't commit to a woman with whom he had a relationship for 8 years and shared 3 children! It seems incredibly unlikely that a man with that past, who has shown no desire to change these qualities (at least you haven't said anything of the sort to indicate that) would have any likelihood of being the sort of guy you want in your life --- kind, honest, honorable man that wants to commit to one woman.

Open your eyes. See the reality of what is rather than what you wish it were. Stop throwing good money after bad. He is a loser. Then take that energy and work on yourself -- look into those deep dark reasons why you were attracted to him in the first place, what need did he fulfill for you that you willingly looked past all these obvious bad parts? I think if you figure some of those out --- and I think a professional therapist can really help you in sorting those out -- that you'll be better equipped to seek out that which you truly want and hopefully deserve. Someone that is kind, honest, genuine, honorable and wants and can commit to lifelong partnership. Your current guy is not that!

Laura 13 months ago

Hi Veronica

Your posts are ver informative and I would like to ask your advice on my siutuation. My boyfriend is 38 and I am 30. He was previously married for 10 years 6 years ago and we have den dating for The last 2 years. We have been through quite slot together he was bankrupt and left with very little money after living a very luxurious life and always being a home owner to living in poor rented accommodation but I have stood by him regardless because unlike his previous relationships I loved the person not the money. On a sadder note he has been there for me after my mother passed away unexpectedly. We are good together but where I want to marry and have children with him it's sometimes on the cards and then sometimes it's not what he wants right now. For me at my age I don't think I can wait for him to be certain and feel I've passed my chance to have children healthily but also I want my father to see me married with children because unfortunately my mum couldn't. I'm not sure what to do because we have a good relationship but this issue causing slot of riffs between us. I just want my dad to see me in love and with a family. As well as have children that I dont want to pass away unexpectedly and leave them at a young age it hurts enough at 30 without a mum.

John Philip 13 months ago

I have been reading this hub and i see that you had amazing advices about the feelings of being ready and not ready, i have a same problem and i would really appreciate some advice too.

We both are in our 30's she's bigger than me and she has already children of her own that cannot see due the father she has a divorce with has the custody. I live in Guatemala and she lives in the States, for 3 years we have been taking care of our relationship, and unfortunately i got a lung health problem that has made me go into hospital several times and, because of that, i have been more and more not able to contact her like in the daily basis, to the point she has been thinking i have another possible relationship here at guatemala, what has brought a lot of fights.

Lately she just wants to marry me now, no matter how but now, saying i must hear her needs and how she is tired of being alone dealing with all her family and the custody of children, I even agreed on marry her but i told her to me to be fully ok to do it but has taken me months to do that, i think is a way to have a grasp on me because she is afraid. Honestly i asked after that to wait and had a commitment after a year i would of come to california and marry her, but even she is pushing it so hard that for 3 times she were extremely nasty with me in a way i would of never do to her, because when i say her to wait that time she gets extremely pissed and snaps at me, even to the point she has told me we are over. Or saying that "i have very easy on my side because i don't have to deal as much she does"

I love her and but i had my limits and i broke with her once, but i came back because i can't be without her, but she has also again threaten me to leave me if is not now is never, the things hurts me most is the things i never would of thought she will say to me when she is upset.

Even now she is thinking about an long distance wedding over an non present layers, but i think that is a fraud or i think is too not my way of do the things. Should i keep up with this with this so much pressure ? please i would like some advice.

Sando 13 months ago

Hi,

My girlfriend and I are both really in love with each other, still. I love her a lot and lately she's been showing signs of wanting to marry me.

Quite frankly, I'm just not ready to get married yet. There's still things I need to do before I can settle down with her. Plus I don't want to give her a meager wedding. Regardless though, she is the one I love and cherish, and if it was for the situation to be any different, I would jump in the boat with her within a snap.

Due to these factors, I am not ready yet. However, I have seen several comments stating that a break-up might be what we need. Which is the last thing we both need. If one marries, is it not because they found their life-mate in that person? And what's the best way to tell her I am not ready now, but will definitely ask her to marry me at a certain point in time when I am ready. I also don't want to make it seem like it's still going to take forever - which it won't.

Gr,

Lindsey79 13 months ago

Sando -- I think you tell her exactly as you did here. Simply and succinctly. I must admit that it's hard for some of us women to understand that you know that you want to marry her someday, but aren't ready today. If you know you want to marry her in 5 years, why not now? So expect some pushback or desire for explanation from her. I think a lot of us fear that we're just being lead on, that he'll never be ready or simply doesn't want to marry us and can't admit that. If you'd consider a long engagement, that may help reassure her that you're serious about marrying her, just not at the moment. Or doing other things to show her that you're planning for your future together -- like opening a joint savings account in which you put a certain amount of money in it every month towards the wedding, ring, etc. Then she'll have some tangible sign that you mean what you say and you're not just putting her off with pretty words.

I also think if you can narrow down the reasons you want to wait and what goals you want to accomplish before you marry would be immensely helpful. If you want to save a certain amount of money, achieve a certain level/position at your work, etc.--tell her that. So she can see you're working towards those goals and ultimately marriage. Also if you can give a specific timeline, that would also help -- say you're not ready now, but will get in engaged in a year, two years, etc. and married in three years, etc. Something specific she can hold onto will also help reassure her that you're serious and not just talking and so that she knows that she's not perpetually waiting without an end in sight.

But also be prepared for the possibility that she may not want to wait for these things. Just as you want to wait, she is just as valid in not wanting to wait. So she may decide to break up with you, and that's her choice. She may want to be with someone that's ready to move forward and since you're not him, she may choose to look for someone else that is ready. Neither view point is wrong or right, but she's just as entitled to her feelings as you are to yours. Sometimes you can't always get what you want. But hopefully, if you guys talk it out, you'll be able to find some middle ground. Finding that middle ground is key. Best of luck to you!

Cindy 12 months ago

Ok here's mine. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. We've been living together most of that time. About two months ago he asked my stepdad for my hand in marriage. He said no basically that we need more time!! (the thing is my parents are pastors and they don't like that we live together and he's not Christian) That night there was a lot of yelling and crying. The trip was basically ruined because it was SUPPOSED to be my engagement. He had planned an amazing NY trip. We went on it anyway :( The next day on our trip I saw the ring and loved it but I felt so angry that all this negative crap went along with it and I couldn't wear it because we're not TECHNICALLY engaged anymore. The following day after in my anger and resentment I said I love this ring and its perfect but can I upgrade it to a carat. I think I did this because I wanted control over something because I felt like everyone else is making my decisions for me. He ACTED like it was fine and he was thinking the same thing. The next day he returned it. 2 weeks later, he flipped out saying I was superficial to my surprise because earlier he was fine. I tried to explain why I did it but it was too late. Now him and my stepdad meet every two weeks to talk but I have no ring. Every day that goes by I get sadder and sadder because I almost had what I had been fighting for and waiting for and now all we do is argue because I'm pressuring him because I told him just get my old ring back. Now he says he doesn't have the money which makes no sense because he's using my old promise ring as a down payment. He doesn't have the money for the BIGGER ring but I just want the old one back. It would be fine. All we do is fight and I don't know when I'll ever be engaged at this point. Any suggestions?

Lindsey79 12 months ago

Cindy -- Honestly, you sound too young/immature to get married. You've been dating for 5.5 years, so I have to assume that you're in your early 20s at the very least (if you're older than 25, then it's even more alarming). But if your stepfather's blessing has really stopped the engagement, that's a problem. A big problem.

Now, I understand wanting a parent's approval. I like the traditional route of asking for a woman's hand in marriage from her parents. But after 5.5 years, it shouldn't have been a surprise. The fact that your stepdad withheld that says something to me -- either they don't think very much of your bf or something else is afoot (like major control issues). But if you're both adults, you should be able to decide for yourselves when you get married.

To me, you sound very young and immature. I'm shocked that you're not angry with your bf for not proposing or at your stepdad for interfering in your relationship by withholding his consent/blessing. I think you need to learn how to be an adult and a master of your own destiny for a while before you get married -- be responsible for yourself for a while. Your concerns about a ring and its size should be the least of your worries.

Charles 12 months ago

Hello, I don't know if you remember me. I posted a couple of months ago about the problems I was having with my girlfriend. Unfortunately things haven't gone the way I would have wanted. In my last post I wrote that we (or I) had decided to spend some time apart to figure things out. My (ex) girlfriend has been calling me and texting me since that day, which stressed me a lot. She lives across the street so everytime I left my house she would call me to ask me where I was going. I felt so bad that I just decided to turn off my cell phone. I'm a complete mess right now, and I just don't know what to do anymore. After a few days after breaking up I started going out with this other girl. It was supposed go really slow, I just wanted to relax and talk. She knew my situation, and we were just going out as friends, but it didn't go that way, in fact, things went really fast. My (ex) girlfriend still calls and texts me every once in a while, and has written to me asking me if I'm seeing someone else. My life is out of control, I feel bad for hurting my (ex) girlfriend, I really do, and I've even been thinking that I made a huge mistake in leaving her. Now, I'm with this new girl, who has been really nice to me. I feel so guilty, this new girl had always had avoided relationships for fear, and now she opened up to me. To make this even worse, she was a virgin and didn't tell me until we were right at the moment. On saturday we went to a restaurant and one of my (ex)gf's friends was there and saw me with this new girl. Well last night when I got home my ex gf called me crying because her friend told her she had seen me. I'm confused and I have a lot of doubts, I some times feel like I want to go back to my ex, but at the same time I don't want to hurt this new girl. I don't want to hurt either one.

I know this is not really the topic of this thread, but I feel lost.

Lindsey79 12 months ago

Charles -- My best advice for you is to be single for a while. You seem all over the place, running from one situation/woman to the next. Rebounds are rebounds for a reason -- oftentimes a person's attempt to avoid the pain of mourning a relationship, they start a new one. But eventually find out that they were just using that new relationship as a crutch and it dissolves shortly thereafter.

I have a really hard time imagining jumping into this new relationship has helped you gain any clarity. Instead, it sounds like it has just further muddied the waters and introduced a new person and additional dynamic into the mix.

It's nice that you don't want to hurt either your ex or your current squeeze, but that's now unavoidable. It's hard to see some guy you spent the past 6 years with immediately go out with another woman. I think it's understandable and probably points to your inability to be alone, but I can also understand your ex feeling very hurt. You say the new squeeze knows your situation, then she should understand your need to be alone and figure out yourself. You're on a rollercoaster of emotions right now -- going from your ex to the new girl and in between. Until you get off that rollercoaster and allow the dust to settle (i.e. not be involved with either woman), it will be very difficult for you to figure out how you really feel as you'll be so overwhelmed and mixed up in these two women's emotions.

Take some time to be by yourself. Mourn your past relationship or at least take some time and distance to gain perspective on it (after all, you may decide that you ultimately want to be with her). But you'll never figure this out if you just jump from one situation to the next. Good luck!

Vicky 12 months ago

I have truly hit a point where I need to decide to continue on this highway or take the next exit off. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. He is 34 years old and I am 24 years old. He has been married before and has a natural fear of marriage due to the fact that his wife abandoning him right after he had surgery on both of his knees. He also comes from a broken home. His mother has been married 2 times and is praying for the 3rd to come around. She has become extremely religious and claims herself and her oldest daughter to be prophets. They go to weekly prophet meetings and don’t believe or respect any other religion other than Christianity…. My point in sharing this information with you is not to judge the way they are living their lives--I respect it! My intention is to paint you a small picture of what it has been like for the past 3 years. His mother and sister are in constant attempts to control my boyfriend through me. They want to change him into what they believe God wants him to be. His mom knows that her son and I have started to entertain the thoughts of marriage. She knows how much I LOVE children. She said to me, “I’m not getting confirmation from God about this.” And followed on by telling me that I may not be able to ever get pregnant because I’m too petite. – After that point, I had HAD IT! I was so hurt and disgusted, I went to my boyfriend and told him what kind of hell it was for me being around his mother and sister. He talked to her “leader” and I don’t know anything else. Not pastor but “leader” is the one that told me 2 years ago that my boyfriend and I needed to break up because he was not the one for me. I’ve never been around so many manipulative, controlling, judgmental people in my life.

Oh, did I mention I come from a Muslim family? Ha.. ha… yes. His mother and sister have never, and will never bluntly say that him and I are not meant to be to HIS face. But they have said to me that God has reviled to them that we are not equally yoked. She tries to convert my mother and father who don’t even practice Islam, don’t call themselves Muslims. They have been married for 28 years, are constantly involved in community charities, and are truly good people! ANYWAYS -- all of the above aside, I am naturally a very affectionate person. I am very guarded of my heart, but when I love I love with all mind and soul--I love unconditionally. I need, and want to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands. My boyfriend is not like this. He is literally the opposite of me. He gets mad when I roll over to cuddle with him in bed sometimes, because he gets freakishly hot. He gives out his phone number to other woman (“she’s just my sister’s friend--it’s not like I would ever hang out with her alone”). I’ve hit a point where I need to be honest with myself weighing the whole situation and answering the question. Is this worth it? Is it?

dawn 12 months ago

Please help!

I am 34 and have never been married.

My boyfriend is 45 and divorced with 2 kids. His "story" about his first marriage is that he did it because that was the thing to do (everyone was doing it etc), never REALLY loved her and thought with time he would. Had children soon after the marriage. The kids are his life! Was happy living as a "family" but was never truly happy with his wife. She fooled around, he found out, they tried to work on things. about year later we meet through our jobs, starting communicating innocently a lot by e-mail, a couple months later that lead to seeing each other in person and a few months after that we were having a full blown affair. The affair last just over a year. Throughout the time he would tell me that he wanted to be with me but had a really hard time thinking he then wouldn't be able to see his kids every day. She found out, they tried to work it out, he still couldn't stop seeing me, she found out again and ended it quickly.

we've been living together for 4.5 years. we own our home and have no financial issues. we've been trying to have children for 2 years and have been getting fertility help. The years that we've been together have been busy with renovations to our home, trying to make a baby, sick and dying parents, on going issues with his ex, and his struggle not seeing his kids every day. It has been rough, but we love each other more than anything, don't have any issues with each other, are 100% committed to our relationship and grown old together.

here's the problem. I want to get married, and have been open and honest about this. Through our discussions throughout the years he's communicated that at some point we'd marry. Over the past year he's made comments to friends and family about us getting married, he's asked what kind of a ring style I like, what size and so on.

we went on a much needed vacation last week by ourselves to just relax. Paid a lot of money to go to a very high end beach resort that we went to at the start of our relationship that we really like. To be totally honest I think he is going to propose at every minute of the day and it never happens. this time I was positive that he would. each day that passed and he did not I got more and more depressed and angry. Finally on our second last night I told him that I thought he would have proposed. this lead to a big discussion and ended with me saying I was done. we've spend the last 5 days ignoring this issue or arguing about it and it hasn't resolved anything.

his position: He has though about and gone through the motions to getting ready to propose. He had planned on asking me while we were away and had discussions with a jeweler until he realized that he was just doing it because I want it so much, and he didn't want it, and therefore it wasn't the right time for him. He has now told me that he does not have the desire to marry. He does have the desire to marry me but that's to make me happy, I want it more than he does. He is 100% fully committed to this relationship, growing our family, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He does not feel like we need to be married. He is very upset and does not understand how I can throw all this away because he does not have the DESIRE to want to marry, and I do NOT want him to do it just to make me happy.

If we stay together I either have to settle for never being married. Or if the does propose at some point I will think that it is just because I want it and it is not genuine. Or he is doing it because he is scared that I will eventually keep my word and leave if he does not propose.

Am I unrealistic to want the fairy tale proposal with the speech about his love for me and desire to want to marry me?

OR

Should I be happy that I'm in this committed relationship with a man who says he is 100% committed to us?

Vicky 12 months ago

I spent some time reading your advices to other people, and you guys seem very experienced and intellectual in the health relationships. I am looking forward to reading your response to my post Victoria or Lindsey!

Best Regards,

Vicky

Lindsey79 12 months ago

Vicky -- You may not like to hear this, but given what you've written, I'd definitely say your relationship is not worth it. I would have bailed a long, long time ago. Here are my thoughts.

First -- mom and sister. Your bf's family is going to be a big part of your life. They say when you marry someone, you marry their family as well. I find this to be very true. Now, plenty of us come from hot mess families, so it's not like you can never date someone because they have a crazy family. But how they treat you in relation to their family is very telling. You don't say much about where your bf is in this mess, but it sounds like to me that he isn't very supportive of you --- likely that he just wants to stay out of it which leaves you having to constantly deal with his nutty sister and mom? That's a really rough situation, especially since you describe them as so controlling and manipulative. For me, unless my bf was helping to make me feel really safe and secure in our relationship, how he felt about me, including in how he protected me from others (including his crazy family), I'd be out of there. It sounds like he isn't making you feel like he's got your back and you're number 1 in his life. That would be a HUGE problem for me. I've dated a guy much like your bf in this regard (actually worse) and it really wore on me--bone deep soul/heart wearing sort of thing. It was exhausting as I felt I was having to constantly fight them and defend myself -- it really drained me. One of the reasons we eventually ended things was because despite loving him very much, certain members of his family tearing me down (while he sat by and watched, made excuses for them or asked me to be more understanding of their lack of empathy and compassion) just killed my respect and eventually my love of him. I'd never do that again.

Second -- you don't sound like a good emotional match. People express emotions and relate to people in different ways. Neither is better than the other, just different. But it is important that you have some overlap and some compatibility. There's a book out there called the 5 Love Languages and it describes how people express emotion/love -- touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and quality time. They're all valid methods of expressing emotion, but problems arise when you guys speak completely different languages, which seems to be the case with your bf. You want to touch, cuddle, hold hands (me too!) but he doesn't and I bet that oftentimes makes you feel rejected, stifled or at least not as close. It's this sort of crossed wires that can be really difficult. Neither of you is wrong or bad, you just express things differently. This would be another big concern of mine because I'm not sure how much people can really re-wire themselves to want to love to be expressed in certain ways or to alter their own natural inclination of expression. Some movement is probably possible, but if you're too different (which is sounds like you are) it's just too much change to ask for realistically.

Third -- He gives out his number to other women? Really? I'm usually pretty chill and think men and women can be friends sometimes, but I get the impression that you don't think this is innocent. If that's the case, I'd say trust your gut.

Fourth--You're only 24. What's the rush? Why are you with a guy that is 10 years older? Why at 21 would you want to date a 31 year-old guy seriously? Your bf sounds like he has some serious issues and I don't think it makes sense for you to invest any more time or energy helping to "fix" him or help him heal these issues. That is for him to, or not do. I have to wonder if at 31, he sought out a 21 year-old because a more experienced woman would see through a lot of his bs and issues very soon and wouldn't bother to keep giving him the benefit of doubt. She'd stop throwing good money after bad rather quickly -- and I suggest you do the same.

Enjoy being in your early/mid 20s. Go out, have fun, explore. Bfs are great, but there really is no reason to rush into marriage. Enjoy this time. Eat out, try new restaurants, try new hobbies or that new dance class you've always been interested in. Take this time to explore and figure out who Vicky is and who Vicky wants to be. Live it up. Don't spend any more time on this 34 year-old guy that lets his family treat your poorly, is giving out his phone number to other women or who has some serious emotion issues he needs to work on before he can be a true parter. To me, it sounds like you're settling for a broken, possibly selfish guy. I'd say end it and move onto bigger and better pastures. And I think deep down you already know this. Best of luck!

Vicky 12 months ago

You’re right! Deep down I do know everything you just said to me. What I don’t understand is that: I am an educated, well rounded woman that comes from a great family and has a lot going for her. Why can I not walk away from this? (This is not my first long-term relationship, and I may be only 24 but I've lived a VERY different life than most-in many ways.) I like to be able to full heartedly ACCPET all of this, and make the decision to move forward with my life--knowing that you can’t lose something that was never yours. It’s all so much easier said than done, but I can do it and will do it eventually. Thank you for your advice, and please keep me in your prayers. I will keep you posted on my improvement!

dawn 12 months ago

Hi Victoria and Lindsey, I'm really looking forward to (dying actually!) to hear what you have to say about my situation.

sincerely,

dawn

long overdue! 12 months ago

Dear Veronica,

So I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, were 23 and 24 and will qualify as doctors in a year. When I question him on marriage he says he will consider it after our foundation years.... in 3 years time. I'm not saying I want to get married right now, but some sort of further commitment would be good. He is from a different culture and isn't meant to have girlfriends and so, even though it has been 4 years, I have never once met his family. Do you think I'm just being strung along? When I try to ask him he just seems unable to have a proper debate and we never get anywhere, he just wont talk about it all!

Thanks

Lindsey79 12 months ago

Vicky -- I can't actually say why you personally are having a hard time letting go and accepting the reality of this situation. However, I can say that it is a very common thing -- I know I struggled with it too (as I imagine many women in such situations would/have).

It may be as simple as just letting go of love. Many people in such a situation have a hard time letting go because they love their partner deeply. Unfortunately, their bf doesn't want the same things in life -- they don't want to be married to their gfs. You want fundamentally different things in your relationship. That's a really, really hard truth to accept (especially when he's telling you how much he loves you).

If you're interested in figuring out your issues personally, I'd really suggest considering seeing a counselor. Unless it's really obvious, a good counselor will really help you parse out these issues. I know there is a concept out there that says people are attracted to each other that fill some void they have as a person, or a core wound. And sometimes when you find such a person that fills that void, it can blind you to other areas where you don't fit because filling that void is so important to you. I'll give an example from my life.

I struggle with abandonment issues and not feeling truly lovable due to my familial background. So when I "feel" very loved, I can blind myself to other issues. It was very difficult for me to break something off with a man that made me feel very loved and cherished but didn't want to marry me. Being married and making the commitment is extremely important to me. I want to feel loved and find my Person -- that individual that will be with me through thick and thin, that will be my rock and partner through all of Life's trials and tribulations (if you see how Veronica talks about her husband and marriage -- I want that!). But to let go of that immediate feeling of love because I knew there was no future was very, very hard. And it hurt like hell. And it took time to grief that loss -- and it is very much a loss. Acceptance is the last step in the grieving process and I don't think it can be rushed (other steps are denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression -- and you can jump from one to the other and back again). The comfort was that I knew I was doing what was best for me in the longrun -- then I could find someone that only made me feel loved in the present but would also promise to be there for me in the future and with whom I could build a life together.

Perhaps your bf has some quality that fills a particular void in you -- a core wound. If you can figure out what that is and then work on healing it from within, then you won't be so susceptible to it in the future because you will have filled it yourself. You won't be so blinded by it.

Just remember all your good qualities during these hard times. You sound amazing. You're educated, well-rounded, come from a great family, are very intuitive and self-aware, sound very generous with a big heart. If he can't see all those qualities, then that's a lacking on his part, not yours. And once you end this relationship, you'll be able to go out and find someone that can see all of you and will feel blessed and cherished to have such an amazing woman in his life. Best of luck -- and definitely keep us updated on how it goes. I feel for ya and know you'll be okay and eventually back to feeling amazing.

Lindsey79 12 months ago

Dawn -- I'll give it a whirl. First off, I have to let you know that infidelity is a hot button issue for me, so I may not be the best person to ask in this resort. I see a man that has a year-long affair on his wife is a man that doesn't honor his commitments, who lies and is a selfish coward. I simply could never trust a man that was so openly deceitful. He could have been honorable and ended his marriage before pursuing you. The fact that he chose not to do that (without some extreme extenuating circumstances, of which you made no mention other than not really loving his wife) says that he has serious lack of character issues -- that he'll put his own needs above those of the woman he pledged his life to. That says to me he's very selfish and a coward. Being of such negligible character, I have a hard time seeing him being a stand-up guy with you. I see him more likely putting his needs first and not really caring how it affects you. So that's my first big caveat.

Putting the cheating issue aside and looking at your situation as if that wasn't how it started, it looks like he has everything he wants and there is no reason for him to change. You have to get over this wanting him to have a desire to marry. He doesn't. You can't change that. You can't make someone want something. But if he is sincere in being willing to marry to make you happy, that is significant. That would be a sign of a partner. He's not standing on some bs principle or letting his fear dominate his life. If you can believe that he can sincerely do this for you to show his commitment and because he believes that it's important to you, then you should be satisfied with that.

We do things for our partners all the time that we don't like or care for but we do them because it makes our partners happy or is important to them. If such partners then complained that it didn't count because we didn't really like it, that would be ridiculous and not to mention ridiculously selfish. I not only want you to go to the opera and be pleasant company (i.e. fake it) because this is something I want to do, I also want you to want to go to the opera (just never going to happen for most men). Instead of recognizing someone sacrificing something to make you happy (whether it's a night at the opera or getting married), you're focused on his intentions and desires. He's entitled to have his own desires and emotions -- that's not something you can control. Your desire to control that is your problem not his.

The fact that you're so adamant about wanting him to want to get to married I think stems from what he told you about his first marriage. That you fear that he doesn't really want to marry you and somewhere down the road will have an affair with someone else much like he did with you because he doesn't really want to get married (and he'll use the same story of not really wanting to marry you). I don't know what I'd do there. That's a hard call. I think you really need to search your soul and see if you can trust his intentions -- and given how your relationship started and what he said about his first wife, that's understandably difficult. But I think you have to make that call. If you can trust his intentions as sincere, then go ahead with the marriage -- let go of this foolish "I want him to want it too". It's unrealistic, controlling and a little juvenile. If you feel that you can't, then you may want to seriously reconsider your relationship altogether. Your relationship may ultimately be a poisoned well given the infidelity at the start, but only you know whether that's an issue for you or not.

I personally would never believe someone that said he was 100% committed but refused to get married. I don't understand that viewpoint, although I understand it's out there and for some people it's okay. I look at it like I do any other contract. Sure, you can make an oral contract, but for important stuff, people put contracts in writing. I think the same goes for relationships/marriage. I think being married is a bigger deal than living together as an unmarried couple. Others disagree, but that's my take on it.

I think you've got some soul searching to do, Dawn, and only you really have the ultimate answers. Best of luck to you! I hope you find all that you seek.

artistkelsey 12 months ago

Hi I need some advice about my relationship. Let me start by say I'm 22 and my boyfriend of 4.5 years is 24. I am at a loss, we have discussed marriage and engagement many many times and everytime the subject is broached he swears he would love nothing more then to marry me that second. However this is not the vibe I'm getting. To understand our relationship you have to know a few things, my boyfriend has been with me through hell, when we first met I had just been diagnosed with bipolar, and to be honest attempted to end my own life shortly after. He was there everytime I needed him though, he spent data with me in the hospital while I got the help I needed and we

quickly fell in love. Within a year of meeting we decided to move in together, everything was going smoothly until last year when out of the blue my liver began to fail, its taken til about a month ago for everything to fix itself but he stated with me through that too. However while I

was sick I had to do a lot more growing up then I honestly should have because the liver problems meant I had to battle my bipolar without any medical help, which let me say is not a simple task stopping yourself from doing what every fiber of your mind tells you to. And although my liver has healed I have been basically told that the.medication I was taking was the cause if the problem so it is no longer an option, so I am still fighting my disease on my own, so for now working and finishing school is out of the question. Last year I began asking my bf if he was planning on asking for my hand anytime in the near future, and he replied of course hopefully by Christmas. Well Christmas came and went. As did the day we celebrate as our anniversary and I still have no proposal, and anytime I breach the subject he blames finances and puts a new by this time date in my head. i sausaid I grew up a lot last year and I want nothing more then to be

with hmm forever, but to me personally having been loving with him for three years now and getting the same excuse I have to wonder if maybe he is never going to commit to me, and with the experience I had last year I feel like he is the one person I could see myself spend my life with...the

question is do you think its the same in his eyes, or does my medical standing mean he will never commit.

Confused and Waiting 12 months ago

Hi Veronica,

I really enjoy all of your candid advice, and would love to hear your thoughts on my relationship. My boyfriend and I are both 26 and have been dating for over 6 years (a few years long distance after college). We are very close, and he generally isn't afraid of commitment (moving to be near me, helping me financially through school, we've been living together for a year, looking into purchasing a home, etc.). That said, he acts and speaks like we are already married, or as if we have already talked about it. And, we hadn't until I brought it up six months ago.

Last year, I began to feel upset that he hadn't proposed or hadn't talked about it with me seriously. These feelings were brought on because we were trying to move to a new location together due to his work, and I felt awkward trying to explain to my work personnel that I wanted to move for "my boyfriend" (even though he had done it for me). The result was that I was not allowed to switch offices, and as a result, he stayed and declined the new work opportunity. Yet, the lack of marriage discussion bothered me. I would think, doesn't he know that I would likely be able to transfer if we were engaged? (Note: I didn't want to get engaged to ease a move - how unromantic! - but wanted to at least have him think about it). I brought it up casually then, and he said something to the effect of sorry, and that he didn't want to get engaged to ease a move. We then moved in together, and over the next year, I've felt less and less secure about our relationship because I keep thinking about this issue. Everyone else I know that has been in a relationship this long is married or engaged. I just want to have a satisfactory discussion and decision about it (but I also want the pizzazz somewhat).

Eventually, I just brought it up because he wanted to completely intermingle our finances, and I didn't feel comfortable with it and this issue had been bearing down on my thoughts and making me surly. He said that he did want to get married and had thought about it, but as far as I could see he hadn't taken any steps towards that end. After the discussion, we decided that we'd pick out a ring together, so we went to look at rings and I know he is having one made that I essentially picked out. However, it has already been over six months since our discussion and still nothing (I know he had messed up the ring once). I don't know what to think anymore. I know he is serious, but I get really frustrated over our relationship and in our relationship due to this issue.

Personally, I am not sure I even believe in the institution of marriage, or want to have the ceremony, but I do feel the external pressures. Towards him, I'm angry that he has taken the surprise away from me, has waited so long, lacks initiative in this regard (and I know I am being unfair because he has shown initiative in other areas of our relationship). When we talk about it, it doesn't go that well because I am accusatory and he claims that he is trying to remedy the situation. The waiting and additional time just makes me bitter. I feel that he's taken away the surpise, the enjoyment over the ring, the happily saying yes to a proposal, and an exciting marriage ceremony, now that I have had such negative feelings in this regard for over a year.

I guess I wonder about your thoughts generally. If you have any ideas about how to get out of this funk? I often feel like it is a catch-22, like whatever he does anymore regarding marriage, will not be enough to remedy how I feel about waiting.

just'a'guy 11 months ago

First of all, a wonderful site.I really appreciate.I read down this page from top to bottom this night.It is 04:43 a.m India time when I am writing this.I am Indian.24 Years Old.My gf is 23.We know each other for the last 1.5 years.

We are both software engineers with me being one promotion above her.I am an engineer from one of the best Engineering Institutes of India.And when I say besT,I mean it (You can compare it with MIT of USA).I am intelligent with strong academic background and career ambitious.Just recently I have got this plum job 4 hours away from the current place I am living.Roll back 1.5 years before-

I fell in love with my girl and proposed her after 3 months.She was into me and she told me that she is attracted to me but not yet in love.In 3 months (without any physical relationship),we ended up breaking up with each other as she said she was not into this all (relationships,having bf etc).We did not talk for next 5 months.Then after 5 months she approached me and finally after 1 month or so we ended up in physical relationship.FYI,in India getting in physical relationship is a very BIG thing for a girl.For these 6 months she comes and stays at my place every weekend (we both live away from our parents independently).I love her.She loves me.We fight over small issues sometimes and she gets angry on small things(which I tend to ignore thinking that she is being little childlike there).I get angry sometimes too.This is my first real relationship.I love this girl but I would be frank to say that I do not lust her.She is very beautiful but ,you can call me stupid,asshole,anything,I also find a lot of girls who are way more sexy and beautiful.

Now she visit her parents at her hometown and when she return back ,throws me that Big question- ''What do you think about our future?Do you plan to marry me?Because I have to inform my parents otherwise they will start finding me groom (arranged marriage tradition in India).If they start that I cannot say no to my parents.Then it would be late.Decide.''

I reply saying - Wait.I am not ready yet.

She is really pushing this up now and has given me ultimatum to inform her about my decision before leaving the current place for my new job.She wants(not very happy and willing though due to 4 hours of travel every weekend)to still continue visiting me on weekends.But wants her answer (in the next 15 days from today).I told her to wait and right time will come when I would feel ready and want to make that decision solely by myself without any compulsions and pressure.

Now I am in a fix,what if I say her to wait?I am not yet ready and want to settle in my new job and make myself stable.I am not even sure if she is the one.But she has told me that 'no' will break her heart.And I do care for her.I sometimes find her really awesome,the best,the one to be.But sometimes I just don't.I fear that this decision of mine may result into loss of my first love.Sometimes I feel it may result into something the very best I always desire.

I don't want to marry before 27.AND if say yes,It would be practically saying yes to marriage under compulsion.Though she is ready to wait if I engage with her but if I say yes to engagement too,I would never rollback my decision and will pretty much come down to the same situation.I just don't want to make her waste her years in this waiting game.Though I wish if this (the wait)could have happened without any issues.I could think of marrying her someday.

What should I do?

JZ 11 months ago

With all do respect to the person above, this is not India. This America! You scared her off.. move on and dont make the same mistake twice. Get to know someone, and allow them to get to know you before purposing.

just'a'guy 11 months ago

@JZ :

I didnot get you.Could you please explain me in detail?

Thanks

Blue Gardenia 11 months ago

Dear Veronica,

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. He is 27, I am 30. Right now we are long distance with little chance of being in the same city in the future due to our jobs (military) though we would have more chance if we were to get married. He says he is not ready but he does want a future with me. I just want a sign of commitment. It is so hard being long distance. What keeps playing in my mind is that last year he broke up with me because he needed to experience things on his own. Then 2 months later he deeply regretted it and new he wanted me in his life more than anything. He was serious about me. I don't have a promise ring, or property together. We do have a phone plan in his name, he pays the bill. He is very generous with his money. He is a wonderful man, whenever we do have weekends together it is fantastic. But I keep thinking, we will never be posted together unless we marry, and what if he changes his mind again and breaks up with me again? I am getting very clucky, plus I want us to be together again, I don't really want to be in a long distance relationship until he feels ready. My family and friends think I should end it. But I love him. I don't know how long to wait for him.

Monica 11 months ago

Dear Veronica or Lindsey,

Monica 11 months ago

Dear Veronica and Lindsey,

I am 32 years old. I was married for six years and had two children from that marriage. Unfortuatley, my husband died in a tragic car accident. This was four years ago. I am now in a relationship with a 36 year old man and we're going on 1 year and 8 months. He has never been married and has no children. I have fallen in love with this man and he says he's deeply in love with me. He is good to me and my children. He has his own home and a good job. I too have my own house, im going to school and have my own job. We seem to have a good relationship, but he has told me more than once that he's not ready for a "commitment" meaning marriage. He does say he wants children of his own soemday and i too would like at least one more child but he says that hes not thinking about all that just yet. This confuses me at times becuse theres times when he says things like when "we have a kid" and "when we get married". So i dont know what to think. I know what I want and life has taught me that life truly is short. I want the whole family life again. I want to be married but more specifically i want to marry this man. He has been a positive influence in my life. But these past few months i havent been truly happy. Knowing that he's still not sure if im "the one" hurts to the core, especially when i feel that he is "the one" for me. Im not the type to pressure anyone but this just feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Hes said it himself that he realizes he's being selfish but he also cant see his life without me. He says we need to take it day by day. I recently agreed to do that with the condition we bring up this subject again once we hit our 2 year mark. He said that was fair. Im just not sure what waiting for the 2 year mark is going to do or what exactly im waiting for. Sometimes i feel as if i cant go on with someone who is not as sure about me as i am about him especailly at our age!! He can have kids forever whereas us women cant. Plus, i have two kids to think about. They have gotten really attached to him and that scares me too knowing that he might not be around someday because "he wasnt ready".... What do you think i should do? Wait around or just call it quits now... Do you think he's wasting my time? I believe my kids and i have been through enough to be played with emotionally... What do you believe? Please some advice...

Dan 11 months ago

Hi Veronica, I am amazed with your advice.. I'm hoping you can shed some light on my situation.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 1/2 years. She and her family is pressuring into getting married. I feel that im not yet ready for the committment. My parents dont get along, everyone around me gets divorved and to top it off most of my friends that are married tell me DONT DO IT. Not sure if she isnt the one or i have a committment issue. We were engaged last year 2010 and broke it off 2 months later because she didnt get along with my sisters and that sparked a huge fight. ( i proposed because she gave me an altimatum) Now im back to square one. Im scared to lose her because shes such a good girl, but at the same time i want to make sure im making the right decision.

Thanks,

Dan

Dan 11 months ago

Sorry im 25 and she is 24

ShellBell 10 months ago

I just want to say that everything about not convincing the other party into marriage is sage advice. My bf of 3 years I thought was The One. Until last night, when he said that he didn't see our future. We had broken up once before a year ago, and when he came crawling back to me, I thought he was serious. The part I don't get is that he had been really great lately- everything indicating that he was looking to the future, too. He even bought me a computer for my birthday less than 3 weeks ago. He had put up with my overprotective family a lot this past year, so I don't get why it felt as if he was acting with me for the past few months. I'm overly emotional, as it was less than 24 hours ago that this hit me, but I just need some clarity and closure. Everyone I know thought we were headed to marriage- and soon. Last night hit me like a brick.

Duck 10 months ago

I'm really stuck. Me and bf been together 6 years- he always said he wanted the same things as me marriage, kids etc even jokingly would get down on one knee and would ask questions like what type of ring would I like? Etc. More recently we talked about getting a house together- I was living at his flat for the last 3 years. More recently he started saying that he didn't see us moving for another 2+years- which was news to me. We argued and I was stressed that he wasn't really telling me what he wants- not communicating! Then we agreed to compromise and start saving for a house and see where we were up to by next year- were not particularly financially sound either of us so then a months later he's sulking and withholding affection - I thought it was because I booked a hol withe the girls and he thought I was a hypocrite which may be true, spending money on hols. Then out of the blue he wants a break! not sure he wants the same things, feels confused, I'm pressurising him etc. I had to move out back to mum and dads- I'd told him that I wanted a commitment coz I was afraid of the rug being pulled out from under my feet, and he does it! So I waited a week then said- you obviously want to break up- he said he'd made a mistake and wanted to put ms on his morgage but then hesitated bout me moving my stuff back in- wanted to to out on dates first. I broke things off coz he was obviously still unsure and I don't think he should have to settled for me or say things like- "I think after 6 years we owe it to give it another chance". In between my distress I messed up my pill dates and he slept with me even though I was crying the whole time now I'm pregnant- not told him. What to do now?!!!

Duck 10 months ago

I'm really stuck. Me and bf been together 6 years- he always said he wanted the same things as me marriage, kids etc even jokingly would get down on one knee and would ask questions like what type of ring would I like? Etc. More recently we talked about getting a house together- I was living at his flat for the last 3 years. More recently he started saying that he didn't see us moving for another 2+years- which was news to me. We argued and I was stressed that he wasn't really telling me what he wants- not communicating! Then we agreed to compromise and start saving for a house and see where we were up to by next year- were not particularly financially sound either of us so then a months later he's sulking and withholding affection - I thought it was because I booked a hol withe the girls and he thought I was a hypocrite which may be true, spending money on hols. Then out of the blue he wants a break! not sure he wants the same things, feels confused, I'm pressurising him etc. I had to move out back to mum and dads- I'd told him that I wanted a commitment coz I was afraid of the rug being pulled out from under my feet, and he does it! So I waited a week then said- you obviously want to break up- he said he'd made a mistake and wanted to put ms on his morgage but then hesitated bout me moving my stuff back in- wanted to to out on dates first. I broke things off coz he was obviously still unsure and I don't think he should have to settled for me or say things like- "I think after 6 years we owe it to give it another chance". In between my distress I messed up my pill dates and he slept with me even though I was crying the whole time now I'm pregnant- not told him. What to do now?!!!

cinthia 10 months ago

Hi, Lindsey and Veronica,

Four months ago I came here asking for guidance as I was in deep emotional pain for the loss of a relationship with a non-commital man. I would like to thank you very much because your words were so important in a moment of extreme heartache. Now my grief is finally over (after eleven months) and I have found myself again: I feel free and whole and happy at last. No, I have not found another man yet, but I am pretty sure I am much better equipped to recognize a much better match. To all of you women and men out there who are enduring pain because of a non-commital partner: hang in there, it is a long journey to full recovery but in the end, you will have found a most invaluable treasure: that you are strong enough to provide yourself with love and courage and wisdom and that you are really brave to have walked away from a situation that was not fullfiling your dreams.

confusion 9 months ago

Hi Veronica, This is a great hub! Hope you can help me here.

I just had my 33 birthday,my bf took me to a very nice place for a long weekend, everything was great, apart from he didn't want to tell me where he was taking me to,so it was a Surprise birthday weekend away. When I came back, many of my friends rang me and they thought the surprise was a ring as birthday present, and the people in the office were also teasing me about it. I am very frustrated.

He is 35, we have been together for nearly 5 years. About 2 years ago, I was asking him about the future plan, the answer I got wasn't great, we were on the edge of breaking up and I eventually stepped back as I think I may have pushed him too much.

We are great together,we love each other. However the pressure from family and friend really stress me out. I know I shouldn't get stress about this, but they keep asking about our relationship all the time. Sometimes make me feel like want to shout at them and tell them to Shut up, and mind their own business.

I think the reason for me to get so angry is that I don't know the answer, they should ask my bf, not me.

But I am really confused now, I thought I want to get married, but I just don't see myself walking down the aisle, I don't know is this just because he doesn't give me any confidence about our future or I can't do it with anyone.

Another thing is his father passed away 5 month ago, he was only over 60s. And my Bf's health isn't great neither, he pretty much looks like his Dad, and someone dead in work, he was only over 40s, left with his wife and young kids. I am so afraid and worried that will be me after number of years if we got married.

I have been very down since our weekend away, he keep asking me what's wrong with me but I don't know how to say to him yet, I am very confused. I really don't know what do I want, but I know what he doesn't want.

Probably what I wrote here doesn't make any sence as I am in tears when I think about it.

Any advice will be appreciate it. Thanks.

Diva 9 months ago

Hi, i am glad that i find out this page where you can share your stories. I am in a relationship for three and a half years and there was a time when i wanted marriage at that time i was only 19 years old and love, marriage everything was like a dream to me. But today as the days passed and i came to know the real world and also realised that my BF doesn't earn anything not a single penny (Though i will say it's his bad luck because he tries a lot to get a job, and works hard too) but today he wants us to get married but i am not sure about marriage as i dont see a safe future. I am very confused wat to do, i love him a lot but i don't think marriage can only bring you together we meet everyday, go out, go for long weekends so we are together it's just staying with each one's family. Can anyone suggest what should i do as i feel like crying whenever i think about future.

bunny 9 months ago

This has never been a subject I really cared about untill my family started bringing it up... so I guess my question is: how do you deal with family preassure? do i talk to him about it? will i sound like the girlfriend that just wants to get married... in my mind a ring dose not make all that much difference. if some girl wants to go after my boyfriend a ring will not always stop her, and if my man wants to ... cheat... then i dont think the ring is going to make that much difference. what dose make the difference is how he feels about me. but i still dont know how to handle the family issue before it gets blown up by one person or the other.

Holly Winn 9 months ago

Well im only 19 here, and ive been with my bf for 7 months now and we talked about marrige and my bf dont want to get married ever and he dont want kids either..i was so upset when he told me that..i love him to death and i dont want to lose him, maybe down the road he will change his mind, but he said he will never change his mind.. what should i do? im going to respect his decision. Well i have a life time till the time comes, who knows...the weird thing is he told me he can see himself marrying me and being with me his whole life and i see it too, but we are still young im 19 and he's 20 so, im gonna give him time.

nicole 9 months ago

well Ive been a relationship for 6 years getting ready to go on 7 here soon. We have two young kids together and live together and the money is all together but he still says hes not ready. He once did propose but we kinda broke it off and he still hasn't put the ring back on. He says hes not ready to be married. Its been almost 2 years since we broke it off. We both agree its not far to either one to give into the other one. What should we do??

Craig 9 months ago

Well im in a situation. Im a 30 yr old guy who has been married before. I didnt really want to but i did it anyway. To be honest you ladies pressure us so much on this. Anyway im divorced now and in a different relationship. She has a son who might as well be mine too. She is always talking about getting married. But as far as im concerned im not too sure i ever wanna do it again. I know the dreams you ladies have. The dress and that day are whats so important. Once the day is over its over. You cant say its because of commitment. As far as im concerned you should be committed to anyone that you are dating. My gf has told me i have 2 yrs to propose or she's gone. I told her i wasnt going to be pressured like that or threatend. I love her very much and her and our son mean everything to me but ive been divorced now for about 2 yrs. Im not ready. Im not really writing to ask a question. Im just saying how i feel. Ladies marriage doesnt guarantee your guy will be faithful. If he's not when your dating then marriage wont change it. Dont let your family pressure you to pressure us. When my gf's parents start doing that theyre in for a rude awakining. Promise rings are a freakin joke too. Maybe it depends on who your with too. If it was the right person maybe id be pumped to do it again. i dont know. Im not trying to be a jerk im just saying how frustrating it is when were pressured. Im 30 and my gf is 22.

jelly 8 months ago

Dear Veronica,

My ex-boyfriend is 35 and I am 29. We have been dating for 1 year. I wanted to start a family but I didn't want to push him. Last month I found out I was pregnant but he said he wanted to make some changes to his career and we had to get my pregnancy aborted.

I was very sad and I left him after the abortion.

He wants us to be together after the abortion and I still think about him all the time. Do you think I should move on or get back with him? Thanks,

Joanna 8 months ago

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. My boyfriend is telling me that when we were together for two years he wanted to marry me. Unfortunaltey I went overboard with looking for a ring and trying to find the perfect ring. He felt what he was offering wasnt good enough (ring). Currently at four years my mother is mentally ill. His mother has picked up with his dad and moved to another country. He says he wishes we had gotten married two years ago. Now he says he doesn't feel the same way about getting married. He currently doesn't want to marry me. I spend everyday with this man. I give him all of my time as much as I can spare but I feel that what I am doing is not enough to make him feel like he used to about me. Sadly I feel like I have ruined things. But I would love to marry this man I feel he is the right person for me and he makes me so happy. I am not sure how to make him feel the way he did about me 2 years ago. He says that we have a lot of family problems his mother is older now and she wants to live by herself while his father comes back to the states. He is worried that something will happen to her and that is why he wants to go see her for 2 months. I am not very happy about this but its not in my hands. I honestly don't know what to do.

If you could offer some advice I would greatly appreciate it.

Rebecca 8 months ago

I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years, and known him for a couple of years longer. I am in my early 20's and he is approaching 27.

We have a very good relationship with each other. We both have good jobs, we have a mortgage and house together and are generally very happy. We often get complimented on our relationship by others.

We have both discussed the future and we both agree that we would like children in the distant future. At the moment we would like to just be happy as we are together.

The problem is marriage. I would like to be married before I have children. I have no logical reasoning for this, it's just something I really want. However my boyfriend doesn't see the point.

This has caused a couple of problems between us.

He has said that if it is really that important to me, that in time we can get married, but I feel uneasy about this.